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Feelings Nothing More Than Feelings

It is amazing how feelings and thoughts appear to be separate.

Feeling and Thinking are often spoken of as quite unique energies, coming from different places…one uses the mind, one uses the heart.

There are tests that identify whether you lead more with your feelings or with your thoughts.

But the lines aren’t really all that clear and divided, right?

We say “thinking” to refer to the mind churning, analyzing, flashing images, seeing words. We’ll point to our heads. Thinking seems to happen in our brains.

We say “feeling” to refer to sensations in the body. Feeling seems to happen in the heart area, or the stomach, or through the whole torso (have you ever noticed that your pinky toe doesn’t feel “sad”?)

Yet, when we look at feelings and thoughts and where they happen and what they are….they are entirely and completely linked and woven together. Like two peas in a pod.

Which comes first, the chicken or the egg? Thinking or Feeling?

These two energies are communicating with each other. They seem to be part of a great movement and motion, back and forth, in and out like the tides, part of a big cycle.

And they are much closer to each other than we often imagine.

Byron Katie and many current teachers of awareness and peace often speak about becoming friends with our minds, with our thinking….

…and by becoming friends with this mind….we get to become wonderfully friendly with feelings.

And vice versa. And so on and so on.

It doesn’t matter which one you find troubling first. Most people notice discomfort or unhappiness with both.

Here’s the interesting dilemma that a lot of people, including ME, have noticed sometimes, with all this talk about questioning what we’re thinking:

What if I FEEL really bad, but I don’t even know where to start? What if I don’t know WHAT I’m thinking? What if I almost don’t HAVE any thoughts? What if I just know I feel BAD BAD BAD.

What if my whole persona and my body and my day feels like waves of feeling come along that are painful: stress, fear, fury, disappointment, sadness, despair, nervousness, desperation, loneliness?

What if sometimes, I’m just overwhelmed with difficult or troubling feelings?

Here’s something you can do, if you notice that you are a person with this sort of experience at times:

Write down your thoughts about these feelings. They’ll be all swarming in there like a hive of bees.

  • I shouldn’t feel this bad
  • I hate this feeling
  • I need to do something to get rid of this feeling
  • I can’t think
  • There must be something wrong with me
  • I can’t handle this
  • I can’t stand it

Now that you have words that are already in your mind coming out onto a piece of paper, you can question them.

Don’t worry….you can do The Work even while you are having big feelings. You can do The Work with tears streaming down your cheeks or a sick feeling in your stomach.

You may even find that when you have bigger feelings, your thoughts are bigger, and right under the surface if you dig only a little.

You can’t stand these feelings….is that true? They are too big, too much, you need to stifle them….you can’t figure out what the thoughts are that are associated with these feelings….Really?

I noticed in my past that when I resisted my uncomfortable feelings and felt CERTAIN that I couldn’t know what my thoughts actually were, or that they were resolvable….I felt like drinking, smoking, binge-eating, quitting my job and ditching whatever situation I was in. OUTTA HERE.

It worked, temporarily. But I had to put a LOT of effort into avoiding bad feelings and grabbing onto the good ones.

But without the belief that my feelings are bad, I’ve noticed that they are the best assistants in the world to help me see that I’m believing something off.

Turning all these thoughts around, about feelings, I find the following to be a great relief:

  • I should feel this bad
  • I love and appreciate this feeling
  • I do NOT need to do something to get rid of this feeling (it will go away actually, if I leave it alone)
  • I can think
  • There is nothing wrong with me
  • I can handle this
  • I can stand it

How would you live your life if you made friends with your feelings?

If you knew they were there for some important reason, giving you a clue to awareness, to your thoughts….and then your thoughts giving you clues about your feelings.

What if you really didn’t care if you felt bad or good today?

You might find that you are more curious than ever about this world. You may find that rather than contemplating and questioning your thoughts because you feel pain and you don’t want to anymore (a perfectly reasonable way to enter inquiry)….

….that you ride the waves of feelings, like a surfer. And your thoughts become clear and you might see even more clearly what is or is not true for you.

“…if feeling good is your goal, then as soon as you feel better you will lose interest in what is true. This does not mean that feeling good or experiencing love and bliss is a bad thing. Given the choice, anyone would choose to feel bliss rather than sorrow. It simply means that if this desire to feel good is stronger than the yearning to see, know, and experience Truth, then this desire will always be distorting the perception of what is Real, while corrupting one’s deepest integrity.” ~ Adyashanti

Whether you find you have more active thoughts or more active feelings, both are beautiful and both are messages to lead you to awareness.

My feelings, which I used to think of as the bain of my existence, are now the best pointers to my thinking that I could ever imagine.

Love, Grace

P.S. one of my absolute favorite ways to stay present and have feelings is with the power of a supportive group. Really…its made all the difference in the world for me personally in my own spirited journey. Teleclasses (8 weeks) or the Powerful Living May 4th or the half-day mini-retreat May 18th….or (drum roll) the whole one year program all start in the next couple of months. And Breitenbush at the end of June, too! Join one of these group experiences for contact with love, truth and you. Scroll down right here to click and read about any of these.

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All Roads Enhanced By The Work

This Grace Note came from last year….I was looking through them today and decided to send this out. You can always find all of them on my website (search the archive on the side bar to the right).

The Work and Other Modalities:

One thing I love about The Work, is that it’s not one thing.

What I mean, is that it seems to incorporate into just about all types of therapies and practices and makes them better.

When I was in graduate school studying psychology, I learned about many famous therapists and their ideas about how to help humans stop suffering.

I also tried just about everything that was put in front of me (no, I’m not  talking about food…although as you know from my food stories that on a binge, I did eat everything in front of me….but I digress, that is not the topic today).

I tried every kind of retreat, workshop, lecture, book, method, exercise, plan, orientation, spiritual practice that might help me understand life and live a better one.

All the way from Arthur Janov’s “Primal Scream,” that was popular in the 1970s where clients cried their guts out and screamed and beat pillows with a tennis racket.

To Freudian three-times-a-week talk therapy with a psychoanalyst. Good ol’ Freud with his talk about “transference” and childhood trauma and “projections”.

Carl Rogers was one of my favorite authors and therapists, and learning about his life and what he called “unconditional positive regard” with clients,  really hearing them, was so sweet, so wonderful to hear that this alone helped people transform themselves.

I loved sitting in a “gestalt” workshop once where all the teachings were from Fritz Perls and we role-played like actors….the way Katie works with people, acting the part of that very person who is driving us nuts.

And I’ve spent hours in meditation retreats, listening to the incredible teachings of thoughtful, beautiful individuals who have worked with their own minds and questioned them (I’ll be sitting again with a teacher Stephan Bodian in a week who has accompanied me this year on a wonderful inner journey).

And the sharing in 12 steps! Revealing all the darkness, bleakest, rock-bottom stories of extreme suffering to other supportive and honest people who have walked the same walk.

Everything has had its sweet, perfect place. In every room, group, therapist, retreat, or workshop there is wisdom, learning….and there are also PEOPLE!

And if there’s not a disturbing, boring, annoying, broken, sad or difficult person….then there’s the weather, or the traffic or the poor quality of the hand-outs! Ha! Voila! The four questions!

Now that I have The Work I notice that asking the four questions enhances every single one of these theories or modalities I’ve encountered over the years. What an adventure.

I love how we humans are thirsty for knowledge, learning, understanding, seeking, reading, analyzing….thirsty for peace. I love how the Work can bring it.

If you’re ready to enjoy a group setting for four days at a mountain spa retreat in Oregon, USA, then join the amazing group forming for Breitenbush at the end of June.

Love, Grace

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You Are The One You’ve Been Waiting For

Today and tomorrow, I get to spend some time with one of my favorite people: Adyashanti.

Or should I say: ME.

Adya is a spiritual teacher, of which there are so many….and he, like Byron Katie, happens to be someone whose words are exciting, gentle, and powerful for me.

But I know that Adya, as well as Katie or anyone else with great integrity, would smile just knowing that I come to sit with them and listen because really, it’s all about me enjoying my own company.

This happened for me in the past in therapy, with a wise counselor, and many mentors over the years. Even authors who as I read their work, I felt so excited and thrilled.

Different people click for different personalities. You may have someone you admire who is a brilliant scientist in your field, or a thoughtful minister of a church, or a creative genius who sings inspiring songs, or an inspirational speaker who moves your heart.

Here in our human condition, there appears to be a wonderful interweaving of input from others, contact with people who move us (even when they don’t mean to) and then a process we’re going through the whole entire time with ourselves.

I would go so far as to say that learning to enjoy, deeply enjoy, my own company is one of the greatest and most wonderful, and sometimes BRUTALLY DIFFICULT things I’ve ever done.

Jeez! My own company has been a NIGHTMARE!

And the funny thing is, you probably know what I mean, right?

That voice, the committee, that never shuts up and comments on EVERYTHING and is excessively critical. Whew!

One time when I was on a meditation retreat, with total silence for meals, no reading, no listening to anything electronic of any kind, no writing…I just about had a heart attack.

I was awake at 3:30 am in a room with ten other people. All asleep. Too dark to go outside (we were way in the wilderness on many acres in deep woods).

I HAD TO LIE THERE DOING NOTHING! Pure torture!

This was not the feeling of being with the love of my life, my favorite person ever. It was NOT the feeling of spending time with my most beloved and steady best friend.

Now I smile, as I remember that difficult time, exhausted with thinking and with silence.

The mind is sooooooo dramatic.

Who would I be without that thought, that being in my own company is uncomfortable, lonely, sad, anxiety-ridden, boring, uninteresting, or painful?

Who would I be without the thought that my mind is a foe, an enemy?

It’s like God is giving me a nudge, as we’re both up there in the sky looking down on the person apparently called Grace Bell, and God says “that person is going to be the most interesting, wonderful, lovable, patient, steadfast, loyal friend…that person is going to take you on adventures and you are going to LOVE her with all your heart!”

How would you live your life if you had the thought “OH BOY! A day of quiet with just me, the love of my life!”

You might notice you are bursting with happiness. You might see that lots of people want to hang out with you (now that you love being alone, it’s hilarious). You might be happy to spend time with all the wonderful people you ever encounter on the planet.

You might even notice that the people who bring up a little spicy flavor, or edgy response, or disappointment, or sadness…you might feel appreciation for those people.

You can certainly relate to them, if they seem bothered by something you’re doing…after all, isn’t that just like one of the ways you’ve been, too? Haven’t you also been bothered and critical of yourself?

There is a term in Buddhist practice called “maitri”. It means to be unconditionally friendly with oneself.

Pema Chodron says that maitri is sticking with ourselves when we don’t have anything, even when we think we’re a loser.

What if just for today, just for five minutes even after you read this, you practice maitri towards your mind, your emotions, all parts of you.

What if YOU are the one you’ve been waiting for?

Your favorite, most wonderful, fabulous, exciting, fascinating, mind-blowing person has arrived in town today! YOU!

“Whatever you have, that’s it. There’s no better situation than the one you have. It’s made for you. It’ll show you everything you need to know about where your zipper’s stuck and where you can leap.”~Pema Chodron

Love, Grace

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Mean, Depressed Guests Welcome

Yesterday a fabulous group gathered during a very rainy April-shower afternoon to expose their inner painful beliefs about one situation or person….and get to “work” on it by asking themselves the most amazing questions:

  • is it true?
  • can I absolutely know that this belief is true, this thought that I’m repeating to myself?
  • how do I react when I think this thought, what happens in that moment?
  • who would I be without the thought? if I couldn’t even think it?
  • what if I believed the opposite instead—could that also be as true? 

These questions are simple, yet sometimes not so easy to grasp. To some, they seem like a mental mind-game when first looking at it. Or, if you’re like I was, you might think “Huh? what does that question mean? 

Pausing for a moment to answer to the best of your ability, allowing the question to sink in with respect to that stressful concept you repeat over and over in your mind, can offer the most freeing, fabulous experience in the most unexpected way.

The light-bulb A-HA moment we’ve all had one time or another!!

One absolutely powerful experience of doing The Work in a small group of inquirers is that when your own mind is going off on a tangent in answering the questions…or you’re not sure you get how to answer the question…someone else’s answer zings in like a lazer beam and you can so relate.

Yesterday people came with stressful thoughts about the following relationships in their lives: their husband or wife, their lover, their son, their daughter, money, their mother, their boss, their sister.

Even if the people gathered had issues in several areas, they focused on only one.

One never knows….when you do The Work on your mother, you may find that all the issues you have with your boss disappear. When you do The Work on money, all the issues with dating, or sexuality, may change.

Who knows what doing The Work on that one relationship can lead to…it might change your entire life, as you shift your perception from feeling upset to feeling peaceful and accepting.

At the end of the workshop, I read the famous Rumi poem that so many of you dear readers already know.

I read this poem because these thoughts are our guests. They come in to visit. They dwell in our minds for a reason, even if they have been painful. They are here to be acknowledged.

Well, I have found, if they are not acknowledged then they start to get louder. Ignoring them doesn’t work. For me, doing The Work does.

Thank you all, you inquiring minds out there in the world, for questioning your beliefs.

The exciting world of inviting it all in, even if it’s a little frightening, may be changing not only your life….but your neighbor’s life, your family’s life….anyone you can think of.

Yes, even THAT person (the one you prefer not to think of). They are welcome too, just like all the difficult and troubling thoughts.

This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor. 
 
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
 
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet the at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
 
Be grateful for whoever comes, 
because each has been sent 
as a guide from beyond.
~Rumi

Love, Grace

P.S. We’ll do the mini-retreat again on May 18th. This is doing The Work starting from scratch. Beginners and experienced all welcome. We start with step one and move right through the whole process. From darkness to lightbulb moment.

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Fear and Terror: Something Is Going Right

First quick: If you want to take a Saturday afternoon to do self-inquiry with a small group next weekend in Seattle (one week from today) with guidance, to bring clarity to one troubling situation or person, click here to register or just send me an email grace@workwithgrace.com to reserve a spot. No issue is too big or too small. The half-day retreat is $70.

Speaking of no issue being too big or too small….as often happens with people who come to work with me, I’ve had several wonderful inquirers comment or ask about agoraphobia all in the last month.

What a tremendously powerful and BIG issue.

In case you don’t know what agoraphobia means, it is the experience of great anxiety with wide open spaces, or the environment….the person feeling the fear feels small and helpless in this big place.

Boy, I can relate.

Have you ever stood on the edge of a big cliff, or at the top of a gigantic tall sky scraper, or even seen a photo of the open ocean, or been in the middle of a wheat field in Kansas?

The wonder and magnificence of this place can give pause to anyone, just watching it and getting a sense of how teesy tiny each one person is…and if that’s not enough…a limited life span, too.

Sometime last year, I saw on the cover of the National Geographic a young man pausing for a rest as he ascended a huge rock face in Yosemite National Park in the United States. WITHOUT ROPES.

Just seeing the photo set a little worried flutter in my stomach. I was stunned to find that I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about THAT PHOTO.

I thought I was more “advanced” than that. I thought I would not be someone who could be set off by a photo. I mean, really?

But that photo haunted me for a few days.

Fear is a very amazing energy. If you didn’t know it was fear, or if you didn’t even label it “fear” you can spend some time with this energy, and the thoughts that go with it, and see what it’s about.

What is it about this scenario that is most disturbing? I had to ask myself (ahem…in the middle of the night) with that scene of the free-climber.

Falling wouldn’t be so bad, I thought, it’s just falling—I suppose like flying. But the impact! Death! In such a short time…smashed to the ground! Gone!

“Fear is always the result of an unquestioned past imagined as a future”. ~ Byron Katie

Dying because of falling hundreds or thousands of feel would be terrible, and wrong…can I really know that this is true?

I am a miniscule speck of dust in this vast universe…and that’s not very safe. Is THAT true?

If you’re afraid, find the core belief and ask yourself, “Is it true that I need to be fearful in this situation? What is actually happening right now, physically? Where is my body (hands, arms, feet, legs, head)? What do I see (trees, walls, windows, sky)?” ~Byron Katie

YES YES! I need to be afraid of falling to my death! I need to be afraid of the hugeness of the sky!

Otherwise, I could just accidentally find myself on the edges of cliffs or floating in outer space with narry a care in the world…and wind up squashed like a bug!

I am afraid of destruction, death, annihilation, endings, physical pain.

Who would I be without the thought that I need to avoid those things? Without the thought that those things are bad?

What a strange thing to consider. I always thought it was supposed to be bad to die or get something chopped off or get sick or have something end!

How fascinating just to be open to the possibility of it not being bad.

And also, how wonderful that the experience of this thing we’re calling “fear” comes forth, to be addressed. Like a part of the mind saying “look here! this is interesting!”

 “As we get close to realizing our true nature, and even after awakening, we may fear losing control or not existing, or be terrified by the vastness beyond our limited view. Yet on the spiritual journey, fear can point the way toward a deeper realization and freedom — but only if we truly understand it.”~Adyashanti

If you are afraid, maybe rather than being spiritually retarded, you are being called to something amazing.

If you’re worried, then maybe something in you is READY, interested in transformation, understanding, seeing.

Maybe something is going right….and it’s good.

Love, Grace

Learn About All Teleclasses Here 

  • A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind: Life Support For The Compulsive Thinker. June 2013 – May 2014, Tuesday teleclasses * 2 in-person retreats * Relief, Peace, Group Work, Change. Click here to read all about it.
  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, June 13 – August 8, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. No class June 27. 8 weeks $395.Register Here. 
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life. Thursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 5:15-6:45 pm. 6 weeks $295. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29 – May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.  
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 5 – August 23, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.    

In Person workshops:

  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, April 6, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, May 18, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm  Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  • SIGN UP FOR BOTH SATURDAY MINI RETREATS FOR $125 – Click here to register for one or both mini-retreats:
  • One-Day Retreat: Question Your Thinking, Change Your Life. Saturday, June 15, 2013, Thunder Bay, Ontario, CANADA. $175 includes workshop, snacks, wonderful catered lunch. Please click HERE learn more and to register. 
  • Loving Your Body Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.  

Work With Grace - Byron Katie Coach 

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Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven Teleclass – One Spot Left

This Friday there is indeed one space left in the teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven. We have so much fun. Start with one person in your life with whom you struggle, even if they are long gone.

For me, given a few minutes, my mind scans for who I DO NOT have an ideal, peaceful, stable, loving relationship with….and if it’s left up to the little individual small “me” mind…then I can put my judgmental thoughts on ANYONE.

You can come to this class with judgments about your spouse, or your mother, father, sister, brother, boss, co-worker, best friend, teacher, next-door neighbor, that person who is in a committee with you, your dog.

Seriously, this is about looking at any relationship that creates some kind of concern, sadness, upset of any kind, and taking a really good look.

There is no guarantee of peace, or “answers” or resolve, or change….but oh how amazing to simply look with depth and clarity at this relationship.

You are not required to look at only ONE relationship, you can switch any time and move to another one.

If this is the time for you, to get support and look with fresh eyes, then come on over. We meet via phone or skype. Click here to read more or to register.

The way I see it, we’re all in this together. I know that’s been said before. But I keep finding it a fun and supportive thought. Here’s some comments from amazing teleclass participants:

Discovering Life Flowing As It Should
“Thanks, Grace, ‘I need to be accepted’ really nails it for me.  After class yesterday I was thinking that rejection is just a concept and nothing at all until I attach a meaning to it.  What I perceive as rejection from someone is perhaps just life flowing along and moving as it should.  Reality.  My suffering is when I think it should be different.  It was such a great concept to do The Work on.” ~ BW class participant 
 
Wow…An Opportunity To Find Neutral Acceptance Over What Was Once Scary
Grace, I just have to say – again – how wonderful you are. Your own energy is a healing by itself, and for your playfulness and respect, your old stuck-ness and your true light-ness to couch and hold and talk about all these topics is a wonderful healing of anyone– an opportunity to get taste of what neutral acceptance and seniority over what were once scary things looks and vibrates/feels like. You da bomb, Gracie! THIS is the energy we be wantin more of in da world!” ~ DY class participant

Love, Grace

Learn About All Teleclasses Here 

  • A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind: Life Support For The Compulsive Thinker. June 2013 – May 2014, Tuesday teleclasses * 2 in-person retreats * Powerful Group work. Click here to read all about it.
  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, June 13 – August 8, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. No class June 27. 8 weeks $395.Register Here. 
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life. Thursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 5:15-6:45 pm. 6 weeks $295. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29 – May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.  
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 5 – August 23, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.    

In Person workshops:

  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, April 6, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, May 18, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm  Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  • SIGN UP FOR BOTH SATURDAY MINI RETREATS FOR $125 – Click here to register for one or both mini-retreats:
  • One-Day Retreat: Question Your Thinking, Change Your Life. Saturday, June 15, 2013, Thunder Bay, Ontario, CANADA. $175 includes workshop, snacks, wonderful catered lunch. Please click HERE learn more and to register. 
  • Loving Your Body Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.  

Work With Grace - Byron Katie Coach 

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She Hates Me

Several readers asked me, after yesterday’s post on Jealousy: How should I handle someone’s jealousy of ME?  

Oh boy do I know about THAT stressful belief.

I used to get a very uneasy feeling in childhood, as the oldest of four sisters, that there was some upset because I got to do many things first, that I was better at a lot of stuff because I had an extra year or two on everyone else developmentally, and that I had the most power.

I was the director of many of the games, I literally directed some “shows” and cast my sisters in various parts, and I probably was easiest for my mom to talk with…seeing as I could actually speak English instead of toddler-talk.

It was only circumstances….but still this uneasy, sick feeling of sensing that those other people I loved (my three sisters) were separate from me, looking up to me, comparing themselves to me.

It wasn’t fair.

Everyone agreed. NOT FAIR!

The kinds of thoughts about those other people can start like this:

  • She hates my advantage, I started sooner
  • He feels inadequate around me
  • She thinks she is less beautiful than me and it troubles her
  • He thinks that if he were as confident as me, he’d feel happier
  • She thinks I am closer to the boss (or mom, or dad, or that other friend) than she is
  • He thinks I am more spiritually advanced, peaceful, calmer than he is
  • He thinks I am more successful than he is
  • She thinks I am more creative than she is

And what is actually BAD about all this occurring? What is troubling about these people in our lives comparing themselves and finding themselves falling short, in our presence?

For me, it feels sad. I feel disconnected. Out in a field alone.

“It’s lonely at the top”. Probably coined by the oldest child in a family.

But is it true? Are you sure it’s really, really bad when someone else is looking at you through green-monster eyes?

There they are, being themselves, jealous as all get-out. Do you need to suppress yourself, change your ways, watch out for the danger of their meanness, or stay wary of their vicious attacks?

Do you have to stop loving them? Withdraw yourself from their presence?

Who would you be without the thought that they can hurt you, if they feel jealous? Who would you be without the thought that they can bring you down, “make” you feel sad, or create bigger disconnection, war, problems, conflict, negative experiences?

Their jealousy is BAD NEWS….is it true?

No. I look at them all and their dear, darling faces…everyone doing the best they can with what they know and who they are…and I have huge compassion for being where they are.

My heart is open and full with love for them. If they can’t comfortably accept it…that’s OK too. They need to be who they are.

Getting away from me might be the best thing that ever happened to them. No more comparison, no more falling short.

I turn it all around: He doesn’t think I’m better, she doesn’t think I’m better…I don’t have any advantages or extra specialness…everyone has their own perfect path…there is no true comparing, every journey very unique, and ultimately none of it matters. 

Even if I am the only one to feel appreciation for that incredible person who is in the moment experiencing jealousy of me, that’s OK.

Even if they are hell-bent at my destruction, or obsessed at hoping for my failure, or hurting themselves through their own comparison….even while they are suffering, and maybe blind to their own beauty….I have great compassion for their experience.

I remember what it’s like to feel like I am not enough myself. It hurts, even if it’s a lie.

“When another person suffers, there’s nothing I can do about that, except maybe to put my arms around them or bring them a cup of tea and let them know that I’m totally available. But that’s where it must end. The rest is up to them. And because I made it through, I know that they can do it. I am NOT special.”~ Byron Katie in A Thousand Names For Joy

I feel the love for that person, and then move on, that appears to be the most peaceful thing to do.

It will be sweet as can be if they come with me…but if they can’t, or won’t, then that’s really OK too.

I remember how hard that was to not believe at the most core level that all is well, that love is the greatest power of all, and that no one is truly threatening.

Love, Grace

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Home Mysterious Home

First a very quick note on upcoming events happening soon:
*8 week teleclass next Friday, March 29th 8 – 9:30 am Pacific time. Click link below to register. Now only 1 spot left.
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*In-person Seattle 4 hour mini-retreats in Seattle: Saturdays, April 6th and May 18, 2013 1:30-5:30 pm $70 or $125 for both includes handouts, snacks, tea, small group

The other day I was thinking about homesickness. Someone mentioned that they felt terribly homesick when they were a child on a regular basis.

The feeling of being “at home” entirely 100% of the time is actually pretty elusive for many humans.

Sometimes, we go somewhere and have the feeling “THESE ARE MY PEOPLE!” I’ve heard this is the experience of “trekkies” attending Star Trek Conventions.

Sometimes, not so much. As when I once came across a huge dog-convention by accident when walking in a park in an unfamiliar town.

I was absolutely fascinated by the commitment, interest and focus by the hundreds of people I walked past, all with their dogs.

But I wasn’t homesick….so there’s something more to homesickness than feeling like you can’t relate or you don’t fit in or you don’t share an interest with others….although these qualities often rub salt in the wound.

Homesick in the dictionary means nostalgic for “home”, longing for home after some long absence from it.

So where is “home”, anyway? Is it in childhood? Is it the house you grew up in? Is it your favorite place you’ve ever lived? Is it your family? Is it a specific relationship? Is it your religion? Your spiritual path? Your body? A teacher?

Once you look at any of these, none of them are permanent, none of them last, none of them feel like home ALL the time.

Unless of course, you abide in yourself.

And what is that? What is YOURSELF?

Ahhh, the great mysterious and wonderful question of all time.

It’s been a process of elimination over many years. Kind of like the book “Are You My Mother?” that was read to me growing up.

Is Home here? Is Home there? Is Home up here? Is Home over that direction? Oi. So much traveling!

The mind will tell us that we need to hunt, seek, and discover very complex and endless locations or teachings before we can find “home”.

Never quite “getting” there, close but no cigar!

One of my favorite ways to stop the pushy, seeky, get-it type feeling is to REST. Just rest. Stop. Like you’re taking a big fat break.

Sit there for awhile. A good thing to “do” if your mind wants to do something incessantly is Inquiry.

Ask yourself what this resting place is. Look around. Ask yourself if it’s true that you have to find home, and you’re not there right now?

Are you sure you didn’t bring home with you?

“One must be willing to stand alone–in the unknown, with no reference to the known or the past or any of one’s conditioning. One must stand where no one has stood before in complete nakedness, innocence, and humility.” ~ Adyashanti

Maybe the weirdest places, the ones that at first seem unfamiliar, yet familiar, far away, yet close, are all a part of “home”. Maybe no matter how bizarre your environment, or how strange and unusual the atmosphere…home is present.

“We hammer wood for a house, but it is the inner space that makes it livable.” ~ Tao Te Ching #11

Love, Grace

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Give Evil Nothing To Oppose

Resistance is Futile!

One of the most fun and well-used quotes from Star Trek.

And an idea that enters my experience of life over and over: when I resist something that is happening, it hurts, uses a lot of energy, and often turns out to be futile.

But what is meant by resistance, exactly, in this context? Especially when we mean that having it will amount to nothing, offer nothing, that having it won’t matter one way or the other….we’ll still wind up in the same place.

I have a picture in my mind of a tiny ant shaking its fist at a huge elephant coming its way. The ant is digging in its heals, furious, enraged, building a barricade, setting up forces so that it is not stepped on. The enormity of the elephant being itself, walking along with the ant directly in its path, is simply too much.

The tricky part about this thing called “resistance” is that often, we don’t study it, we’re just in it, like swimming inside resistance-soup. Busy building the barricade instead of getting out of the way.

What part is actually futile and where is the sensation to be resistant coming from? Is there anger or fear present? Do I have an internal “no” that wants to be spoken? What’s going on in this moment of wanting to set up a barrier against a situation? What is happening when I feel resistance?

The other day I was reading about physical pain, and then emotional pain.

It occurred to me, for the ten-thousandth time, that fear is a fascinating reaction to life events.

Something happens, then the body quickly has a response with adrenaline shooting through the arms and chest, the stomach flip-flopping, images of what will happen crossing the mind, the heart beating faster.

The body says RUUUUUNNNNN! or FIIIIGHTTTT!

Energy surges through the body. There’s an urge to strike, attack, or escape and hide.

There are famous stories about people foiling their enemies, receiving justice, and being set free.

Picture the scene in the Sound of Music when the whole VonTrapp family is hiking on foot over the mountains, with only the clothing on their back, into a free country, and the refrain “Climb every mountain…”

We all clap for joy! They made it!

In that moment, it appears that resistance was not futile. They ran, they were free.

Back to looking at “resistance” and what we really, really mean.

Because sometimes, in very critical and crucial situations, it is indeed futile….

For me, as I’ve studied this over time, I find that I used to think that NON-resistance was passivity.

Not resisting meant being apathetic, suppressing fear, not showing I cared, not saying no, not speaking up, not taking action.

Resistors were trouble-makers, rogues, defiant people, too outspoken, rebels.

But studying “resistance” more deeply, in my unique situations, I find I have the answer to what is futile even if I take only a tiny half-second to consider and be with it.

You already generally know when its futile and when its not.

When action is appropriate, honorable, has integrity, and is open-minded, you will take action that will move with the greatest ease.

When non-action contains the most integrity and honesty for you, that will be right.

The feeling to look at is feeling AGAINST the whole situation. Screaming “NO!” in your mind. Feeling hate for someone, or extreme disappointment, or deep grief. Believing with intensity that you can’t handle this, or this is such a terrible situation that you must get frantic.

Are you sure it’s 100% terrible?

“The instruction isn’t then to ‘smash ahead and karate-chop that whole thing’; the instruction is to soften, to connect with your heart and engender a basic attitude of generosity and compassion toward yourself…” ~Pema Chodron

Pema Chodron suggests that we can cultivate warriorship AND a gentle heart and clarity.

Climb every mountain, ford every stream, follow every rainbow, ’til you find your dream. 

Set to music, this is joyful. Here comes the elephant…it looks like the best plan is to move. It’s not even a plan…it’s just the way it goes.

Warrior clarity.

Life powerfully expressing itself, non-resistantly, open and courageous. Changing. Free.

“Center your country in the Tao and evil will have no power. Not that it isn’t there, but you’ll be able to step out of its way. Give evil nothing to oppose and it will disappear by itself.” ~Tao Te Ching #60

Love, Grace

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Is It Bigger Than A Bread Box? Best Trick Question Ever

It’s amazing how painful, penetrating and persistent thoughts can be about the Self.

This Self is unworthy, not good enough, not perfect, the One that made a mistake.

When I have visited this Land Of No-Good then the thoughts start having babies like rabbits, multiplying in a thousand directions with pictures and comparisons about other people who have done it better than ME.

Plus, OF COURSE, the Voice has to get turned on that is also critical of the self being self-critical.

Jeez, what’s wrong with you being so insecure? You already KNOW you’re doing the best you can. How much therapy or how many workshops do you need, can’t you give it a rest?

The thing is, all of it goes into the basket of what Scott Kiloby calls The Deficient Self.

It’s such a deep conditioning, or so it seems, to think in terms of the negative consequences of the future. It’s like there is a belief that I need to push myself, correct myself, or improve….or else.

Or else later I will be sorry. I will be in pain. Tomorrow I will fail worse than today, if I don’t pull it together. Next week I will be depressed, fatter, lonely, worried, banished.

Next year I will be living on the street, no friends, no one speaking to me, no health, no money, no happiness.

If I don’t work on going UP, I will go DOWN. Heck, even staying in this same place would be bad. Yep, only IMPROVEMENT and GOING UP is acceptable.

People out there say we are enough, we have enough, we have all we need for anything we want to do already. We’ve got it.

But that makes no sense to the person who absolutely believes that it is true that this Self is Deficient.

I used to like to hang around people who said supportive, kind things. I liked my therapist in my early 20s who was so nurturing and loving. I liked it when someone said “you look mahrvelous!” I liked it when someone said “you are so brave, generous, interesting, funny.”

If someone said I was a bitch, or a chicken-shit (definitely bad if they started squalking like a hen) or selfish, it was like when the Hulk was called Angry.

How dare you say that about MOI…..or if I didn’t have an angry response I would be terrified at being seen. It was like I had the belief that I must be perceived well ALL THE TIME.

Dangerous things happen to people when they are not perceived well!

What’s the worst that could happen if someone is not liked? They could be put to death. Banished from the kingdom forever. Hurt.

Such a fear of the Deficiency of the Self.

What if it wasn’t true? What if the whole entire story is mistaken? What if there actually is NOT a self that isn’t good enough or big enough or strong enough or committed enough or powerful enough or determined enough or honest enough or rich enough?

What if there is no self that needs to be defended, or bolstered up?

What if no one is any better than anyone else? It sounds easy to say this is true, but watch you mind compare yourself to others…it gets very convinced that the person over there has “got it”. They are “further along” than me.

That person over there is awakened, enlightened, peaceful….doing something right.

All by itself this may be a very joyful thought. I love seeing other joyful people and all their different flavors and ways and personalities!

But if I compare and find myself lacking, even in the tiniest way….ouch.

When I spend time with one of my Self-Improvement thoughts, that is my way out of the gerbil-cage belief system of repeating this idea over and over.

  • I need to relax more
  • I should pay attention to the little things in life
  • I don’t want to analyze the universe so much
  • I want to wake up
  • I need to stay on track
  • I am selfish, too fearful
  • I care too much about other people

And by the way, while we’re at it, I don’t always exactly have a Supremely Happy world view. What’s wrong with me?!

I love how Adyashanti, Steven Bodian, and many of my favorite teachers ask “who are you?” Who or What is this Self you think doesn’t measure up?

Adya once asked me “is it bigger than a bread box?” I went on a hike after that conversation and got more and more frustrated.

Dang it, there was nothing there. As soon as I looked…what did he mean “bigger than a bread box?” This has nothing to do with shape or size, and I can’t even find a location.

Is this a trick question?

“There is nothing to attain except the realization that there is nothing to attain.” ~ Tony Parsons

“Do not worry about your life….Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin…” ~ Jesus

There’s nothing solid here, this Self, whether deficient or not. WOW. What a relief. Nothing actually there to improve. And how bizarre, too!

That was a good trick question.

Love, Grace