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In The Desert, You Can’t Remember Your Name

The desert is a wide open exposed place. I was in the desert very recently to spend some time in inquiry.

One day I was outside stretching my legs in the very bright, cold afternoon. The sun was so bright, I squinted my eyes. My skin felt the dry, crisp air. I had to run to stay warm even though there was not a single cloud in the sky.

All the yards were full of gravel. Maybe a cactus bush or two.

I marveled that as I was there in the desert town, moving down the sidewalk, that the landscape matched my inner mind.

Vulnerable, brighter than I can almost stand without dark glasses, and sort of harsh but full of delicate, colorful structures. And the most infinite, vast sky, full of mystery.

Right there on the sidewalk I felt scared for a moment about how vast the sky was.

How strange that thought is, right in the middle of your day, “I am vulnerable” or “this world could be a dangerous place” or “this place is so mysterious, I don’t get it.”

It seems like stressful thoughts sometimes appear out of nowhere, for no particular reason.

It’s a clutching inward, like a stomach ache, or muscles tightening, except it’s the mind tightening.

Wouldn’t want to get too vast or anything crazy like that!

Fortunately, in those moments where a fearful thought arises, not long afterwards, almost on the heels of the thought, there is an awareness that the thought isn’t actually true.

It was just a thought.

And by looking at it, off it goes into the wild blue yonder.

Later, when I was safely inside again and not contemplating the big humongous sky…I laughed because that worried mind is such a nervous ninny.

But there is something to lose here, in this big mysterious world. It’s the sense that “I” am important, that I mean something, that I’m extra special.

Honestly, I am of course unique in all those ways we know, but not really. In the great big scheme of things, whatever this person is that I seem to be, is just another human being living life.

My name will not be remembered in only one or two generations. Even if my name is written down somewhere, or I do something that is written down, no one will actually know me. No one.

People still study “famous” figures in attempts to understand their motivations. Only the story remains, not the person. Most of that person’s daily living is unknown, forgotten.

The interesting thing about all of this, is that in the past, before The Work, my attitude towards the impermanence and inconsequence of ME and my little life was sadness, pessimism, a sense of being so small. It all seemed so pointless. The feeling was that in my little lifetime, who cares.

My name not remembered…sooooooo saaaadddddd. I should do something important!

But now, with self-inquiry…I need to do something, or be important. Is that actually true?

My name needs to be remembered, I need to make a difference, I’m NOT making a difference…really really?

“The basic creative energy of life—life force—bubbles up and courses through all existence. It can be exeprienced as open, free, unburdened, full of possibility, energizing. Or this very same energy can be experienced as petty, narrow, stuck, caught.”~Pema Chodron 

I notice that when my world opens up and a vast desert landscape lies before me, inside and outside, without the thought that “I” am something or that I need to be, all is well.

Everything is free, untethered, unnamable…and that’s wonderful. Maybe things don’t need to be named. Including me.

“The tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao. The name that can be named is not the eternal Name. The unnamable is the eternally real.”~Tao Te Ching #1

Love, Grace

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I Did Something Wrong

I did something wrong.

Isn’t that a nasty little aggravating, or life-crushing gruesome thought?

When humans believe that they did something wrong….it can be devastating in a huge variety of ways.

Some people react to this thought with anxiety, some with defense, some with attack.

The anxious reactor feels they did something wrong and adrenaline shoots through their system. They immediately begin trying to repair the wrong with a new right. Apologizing compulsively.

Please forgive me, I’ll do it better from now on. I didn’t mean it.

It doesn’t matter whether or not it’s true, the goal is to make others feel better and love me again!

People with anxiety sometimes can’t sleep, trying to sort out how this could have happened, where they made their “mistake”. Guilt is a predominant thought. Must fix it NOW, I need to have that other person’s approval, I need to have my own approval. Emergency!

Then there is the person whose stressful reaction is defensive. He or she puts up a barrier, draws a line between themselves and that mean person who thinks they did something wrong. The greatest need seems to be to escape the presence of this other human. Go into hiding!

Again, it doesn’t matter whether this “wrong” is true or not, the forces must come in for protection. The Sea Anemone reaction.

And then there is the person who attacks in response to believing they did something wrong. This person might shout, explain, and hold whomever is accusing them of being wrong to be the guilty one. They might come off as “controlling” and angry, vicious, malicious, vindictive.

The attacker might bark “how dare you…!”

All of these are human ways of reacting to the fear that something wrong happened, and I was involved. Even if it’s clear I didn’t commit the crime, even by being accused there is danger.

We all may jump around in all kinds of reactivity, entering all zones and strategies for managing the emotional and mental discomfort.

Whew. As my friends used to joke in high school if any of us got a bad grade or didn’t win the race or got ignored by someone we liked…”that’s rough, girl”.

My favorite way to look at this kind of Big Reaction is to zoom into focus on that original painful belief. There might be several ways to write the belief, there might be extensions to the belief…but getting a core belief identified is an amazing opportunity for discovery.

I did something wrong.

Is it true? Are you sure?

What does “wrong” mean for you? Is it irreparable? Could you have done any better than you did at the time? Do you really need that other person’s approval? Are you sure you don’t have it?

Can you stand in what you did, which is now over by the way, and let it be? Is it OK that you’re human?

What would Martin Luther King, Jr, have done if he was worried about what other people would think when he spoke up, if that rose to the top of his concerns?

What if you did something right? Just perfectly right for that situation, at that time, in that circumstance? What if that experience can teach you…perhaps bring you into a place of love like no other you’ve ever known?

When I went to The School for The Work with Byron Katie in 2005 I identified my absolute worst thing I had ever done in my life: I had had an abortion.

I had such shame, grief, and desperate unhappiness about that experience I reacted every way I’ve described above. I was saying “I am so sorry” to the little unborn constantly, I would be reminded to say it when I saw my children, and many other circumstances. I would calculate how old the child would have been.

I wanted to hide it and never tell a soul for the rest of my life. I felt nauseated thinking about it.

I attacked the bill boards of the organizations that had anti-abortion slogans and felt anger and bitterness towards the groups who displayed them, and renewed sadness.

But when I looked deeply, the deepest I possibly could, given what I believed at the time, I found I could not know that I had done anything wrong.

I would have liked it to go differently, it caused such pain within. I would have liked to have known back then that I could question my own thoughts and give myself love.

I would have liked to have access to another way to do it (or so it seems), but I didn’t. That’s reality.

Are you really supposed to know more than you actually do right now? Are you sure that what you know is not enough in this moment?

“You can’t not be in grace. Everything about you is totally absolutely perfectly appropriate. All the things you think are wrong with you are absolutely right.” ~Tony Parsons

Back in 2005 at that school, I began to find turnarounds to this terrible thing that I had previously believed was wrong, that “I” had done.

I began to see the beauty in that movement, that experience going the way it did. There was great love present in that original “wrong” experience.

You can find it in the things you think you’ve done wrong, too.

Love, Grace

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There Must Be Some Mistake

Making mistakes is an interesting concept.

Byron Katie says that when she first experienced her huge shift of perspective, quite on its own without her help, people started knocking on her door.

Many of them would say “namaste”. She thought they were saying “no mistake”.

She hadn’t been a part of any scenes that said “namaste” so it was an entirely foreign word. but “no mistake” worked just as well for her.

Kind of hilarious, though, to realize that she was thinking everyone was so brilliant and they were all bowing and saying No Mistake to each other….

And they were brilliant, of course.

Namaste means, roughly, “I bow to your form and the light in you”. In India (or here as well) you might bow with your hands together and this will mean the same thing, even if you don’t say “namaste” out loud.

Mistake is defined in the dictionary as making a blunder in judgment, action or opinion. By definition, it means that it should have or could have gone differently….with more knowledge, or more awareness, or less negligence, a different opinion, an alternative action, or SOMETHING.

But imagine walking about and seeing someone before you and bowing, whether you really do it or not, with the idea that there are no mistakes.

Imagine doing this with that person who really bugs you. That person from 20 years ago, that mean boss, that difficult teenager, that angry son, that ex-partner, that nasty neighbor.

Have you had the thought that a relationship in your life was a mistake? That you made a mistake? They made a mistake? One big blunder?

What if you open to turning that thought around. It doesn’t mean jumping into believing immediately “I did NOT make a mistake, that relationship was NOT a mistake….that was a FABULOUS wonderful relationship, one of the BEST!”

No, that might be a bit far at the beginning.

But if you find yourself experiencing deep stress when you consider that mistaken time you spent in the past, or that mistaken action, with that mistaken person….then you know you can do The Work, and find out what’s really true.

That was a mistake. Is it true? Can I absolutely know that this is true?

How do I react when I believe the thought that there’s been a mistake?

Oh boy. Busy mind. Sad, unhappy, frustrated, regretful. Busy feelings. Many images. Worried energy. Tight. Planning ways to fix it. Self-critical. Wishing things were different.

Who would you be without the thought that a mistake was made? Without the thought that it could or should have gone differently, could have gone better, could have not hurt so much?

Who would you be without the thought that you made a mistake, or THEY made a mistake?

I did not make a mistake, that period of time was not a mistake, he did not make a mistake, she did not make a mistake, it’s nobody’s fault.

Can you find examples of how this might be true? What if everyone is always doing the best they can? Were there any advantages to it going the way it went?

“Our parents, our children, our spouses, and our friends will continue to press every button we have, until we realize what it is that we don’t want to know about ourselves, yet. They will point us to our freedom every time.”~Byron Katie

The thing happened. It went the way it did.

Without any mistakes, I am in this present moment. Open and empty, filled with peace. Moving with the wave.

I bow to the mistake. Namaste. Thank you for being there, to show me where I have believed in mistakes.

“Open yourself to the Tao, then trust your natural responses; and everything will fall into place.” ~ Tao Te Ching #23

Love, Grace

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Start A Huge Foolish Project, And You May Cross A Dangerous Line

Long ago, I had the incredible experience of working on a ship. I was 24 and that job lasted for a little less than a year. My position? Ordinary Seaman.

I am still fascinated with the lingo and history of life at sea, and I know I was only an onlooker. Peeking in to a culture and world that would never really be mine.

A 24 year old woman being an Ordinary Seaman? I think the people of the 13th century would have been stunned. It’s still a little weird.

For some odd reason, and there perhaps is no reason, I am a shellback, because of that experience.

A what?

A Trusty Shellback is someone who has crossed the equator. This is no small feat. This does not mean, the vessel “crossed” the equator line, and therefore you are automatically a shellback.

Since ancient shipping times, on board the vessels crossing the equator, there are very strange and wild ceremonies put forth to initiate the dirty, scummy wogs (those seamen who have never crossed the equator) into the other side of the line.

All work stops, there are elaborate rituals and rites performed. Captains and ship officers become someone other than they usually are.

Yeah, that was crazy. I have my certificate signed by King Neptune to prove I went through it.

In every culture, group, and family there are “lines” that get laid down, and with some of those lines, it’s a Big Honkin’ Deal if you cross them.

Sometimes it’s very “positive”….like graduations, weddings, changing careers.

Sometimes it’s very “negative”….like taking something from someone, hurting someone, giving something away, ending a marriage, voting for BLEEP, taking the pill.

The Work of Byron Katie, as so many of you already know, allows us to enter the realm of the questioning mind where it doesn’t matter where you are from, what you have done, which gender you are, what historical age you live in, or whether or not you’ve done the “right” thing or the “wrong” thing.

You are simply looking at who you would be, without your story. Without your fear, trepidation, sadness, anger, or anxiety.

For some reason, there I was on that ship, because of very odd circumstances lining up in the universe, like the federal government creating a Equal Opportunity law, and a good friend of mine calling me to say “they need an OS on this ship, get over here and you’ve got the job” and me dropping out of college and knowing I needed a huge change.

Not everyone liked that I was on that ship. Some of the others employed there could hardly stand it.

  • young women shouldn’t be on ships
  • this is dangerous
  • we can’t change the way we’ve always done it
  • she’s not strong enough, tough enough, smart enough
  • if she can do it, that means my job is diminished, disrespected
  • she doesn’t belong here, she’s not our kind

If I had believed their thoughts, I would have been so freaked out I wouldn’t have lasted five minutes.

Was I thinking that they were having those thoughts, or did I assume that these were their thoughts because of a few stressful moments when someone said something or acted uncomfortable, or acted mean?

Mostly…..everyone was incredible. They were kind, attentive, protective. They showed me the ropes. Literally. One guy showed me how to tie four vital knots that we needed to use from time to time.

Another showed me how to use the nail gun. I got the special job that no one else wanted of re-painting the huge faded black letters of the ship’s name on the stern.

There were hours spent in silence on watch…hours of it in pitch dark under the night sky.

There was lots of time painting and re-painting the ship gray.

Today, I remembered a moment during that amazing time, and I thought about how sometimes, you go across a “line” without planning, without controlling anything about it.

There I was in a most unusual weird strange place out at sea, with a very unusual job for a 24 year old that could only have happened in very unusual perfect circumstances….and it turns out, a line was crossed.

Several lines were crossed. For many of the men on that ship, for the Chief Botswain, for the other OS. Lines were being crossed left and right, all over the place.

And I was there to cross it, because I was. I was PART of the line-crossing. I had my role in the story. Apparently, the one who could play that part, at that time.

It wasn’t up to me. If I had known what I was getting into, as I said, I might have been afraid and not gone.

“Start a huge, foolish project like Noah. It makes absolutely no difference what people think of you.”~Rumi

Getting on that ship was a huge, foolish project. But a thing inside said “go”. And because of that, I got to cross several deep lines that I had no idea would be crossed.

Perhaps this is all we can do…follow the “yes”….and along the way, you will come to some edges. Sometimes they are sharp.

Pema Chodron wrote of how her teacher Chogyam Tungpa, Rinpoche, told her this:

“A big wave comes along and knocks you down. You find yourself lying on the bottom of the oceans with your face in the sand, and even though all the sand is going up your nose and into your mouth and your eyes and ears, you stand up and you begin walking again. Then the next wave comes and knocks you down. The waves just keep coming, but each time you get knocked down, you stand up and keep walking. After a while, you’ll find that the waves appear to be getting smaller.”

Keep going. Follow the “yes”. It’s worth it….and it’s out of your hands anyway.

Love, Grace

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Are You Trying To Handle The Master Carpenter’s Tools?

I have had many questions recently about how the teleclasses work and what it’s like to participate logistically. Like, “do I need my computer and do I need to watch something online?!”

The good news: all you need is a telephone. Any kind of phone will do. I haven’t gotten fancy yet with webinars or slides or something actually online…although that’s probably coming. But this option is quite simple. You dial in to a regular 9-digit US phone number and then enter a code, and we’re all on the phone together!

Many people like to use Skype as it is then free from their foreign location. This DOES require a computer and the use of the free software by Skype. I am amazed at all the wonderful people calling from Australia, Japan, Germany, Spain, Peru, Mexico. Truly incredible!

And speaking of technology….MY HARD DRIVE CRASHED! ARRRRGGGGH!

What was that? Did you say I might want to do The Work on this situation?

Oh, now that you mention it…I DID notice a moment of exploding thoughts about gizmos and gadgets and hard drives not working. I WOULD call that stressful, yes.

In my Friday Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass, the effort to establish the group forum initially didn’t work either. Arrrgghh again.

These moments are so fascinating for watching the mind that wants control, or believes it HAS control, or believes it NEEDS control.

It has such a hissy fit. It should be going THAT way, not THIS way.

This is the landing place of angst, frustration, resentment, suffering. I want it to look like that, I think it should look like that, I need it to look like that…in order to be happy.

I will NOT be happy until it looks the way I think it should look.

  • my hard drive shouldn’t break
  • all data needs to be retrieved
  • this program should work
  • this shouldn’t take so long
  • I should understand this. Yesterday.
  • whose fault is this? Attack them now.

With computers and technology, I find the frustration is so minor, my mind brushes it off as inconsequential. Unimportant, not necessary for investigation. I quickly find that the data I thought I needed is not needed at all.

However, this is absolutely fantastic training ground for awareness of the thought process, since there is not so much invested, according to my mind. The feelings are not very strong, so I can see how the mind works when it’s incredibly self-oriented and all about ME.

Busy finding fault with those people out there who are doing it wrong. Those hard-drive builders, that data-retrieval company, my teenager who dropped the thing in the first place, the people at google or apple who are updating everything so freakin’ fast I can’t keep up.

This mind will do the same thing on seemingly much bigger issues, the ones I care about a lot more.

Like…my body should be like THAT, not like THIS. My girlfriend should be like THAT, not like THIS. My job should be like THAT, not like THIS. The political scene, the corporations, money, traffic, my child, my mother, my father, time, energy, my health, my job, my living situation, that other country, the government, chocolate, the weather.

One of my favorite things Byron Katie says is “who needs God, when we have your opinion?” 

But. I can’t be mistaken, could I? That would be alarming. Confusing. Weird. I mean, wouldn’t I lose all my volition, my energy, my push, my drive? If I am not 100% RIGHT then what will I do? I won’t know what to say, think, feel, dream!

I won’t be able to come up with my PLAN for this situation and how it should be handled and managed. I’ll be too passive!

[We interrupt this Grace Notes post to let you know that right in the middle of writing it, half of it suddenly disappeared from the screen with a message about unusual technical difficulty right here in this moment].

I am now laughing!

What are the advantages of having things vanish, break, disappear, get lost, become unretrievable?

I notice that suffering occurs, on some level, every time I think things should be different than they actually are. I also have believed that if I accept WHAT IS, then I myself will become nothing, mean nothing, and not matter. And nothing will ever change (and it needs to, remember?)

What are the advantages for losing my work, losing my hard drive, losing my memory, my former husband, my childhood, my family the way it once was? What are the advantages for losing my health, my youth, my job, my house, my money, my hard drive?

I am here, now, in the present. I notice there is now, and a new thing to think of or do. I notice I don’t need all my recordings on that hard drive, I don’t need the wedding pictures (there are plenty more from other people), I don’t need it to run my classes, I get to buy a new laptop that is new instead of very old.

I notice everything is moving and changing. Nothing is stagnant.

“Our life’s work is to use what we have been given to wake up. If there were two people who were exactly the same—same body, same speech, same mind, same mother, same father, same house, same food, everything the same—one of them could use what he has to wake up and the other could use it to become more resentful, bitter, and sour. It doesn’t matter what you’re given, whether it’s physical deformity or enormous wealth or poverty, beauty or ugliness, mental stability or mental instability, life in the middle of a madhouse or life it he middle of a peaceful, silent desert. Whatever you’re given can wake you up or put you to sleep.”~Pema Chodron

For me, I am nodding off when I start in on those people, that technology, or this situation that is BAD and needs to be FIXED.

There she goes, falling asleep into the irritable, intolerant, anxious, sad, all-about-me mind!

I remember, at some point, to question my thinking.

Because I find over and over again that without making war on a situation, amazingly, it seems that it’s actually MORE likely to change.

Well, it usually does anyway, whether I’m trying to get it to change or not.

“If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you aren’t afraid of dying, there is nothing you can’t achieve. Trying to control the future is like trying to take the master carpenter’s place. When you handle the master carpenter’s tools, chances are that you’ll cut your hand.”~ Tao Te Ching #74

I used to cut my hands over and over again. They were a bloody mess. OUCH. Just so unhappy and so full of thoughts about my predicament being terrible. Life seemed sooooo hard.

But with The Work, letting go of the outcome, turning my thinking around to the opposite, finding advantages for my present situation….my hands only appear to have little nicks and scratches on them.

And today, with this technology “break down” thing, I notice my “hands” are pain-free. In fact, they look pretty lovely. They look fascinating! Who made these hands? What made these hands? Who or what do they belong to?! Freakin’ Incredible!

Love, Grace

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I Wish That Person Was Happy

Wow, there is nothing like doing The Work with a kind, interested, curious group of inquirers for hours together during a weekend.

I absolutely loved the group that assembled these past two days in Seattle.

I noticed a little mosquito-sized thought entering my mind by the end of the second day: I want everyone to find relief, inspiration, happiness, or hope during this weekend.

I want them to have an AH-HA moment! I want them to be AMAZED by their own power to ask themselves if what they are believing is true! I want them to be EXCITED! I want them to be CHANGED after this weekend and go off into the sunset Renewed!

Good lord. Have you ever wanted someone close to you to be happy? It just seems like such a benign little thought, such a good-hearted little happy positive thought, such a nice thought.

Wait….what? Did you say co-dependent? That I might be over there in Other Peoples’ Business?

Ooopsie Daisy! Heh Heh.

It is actually quite stressful to wish that someone else is happy, or “gets” something, or feels better.

And it is entirely hopeless.

This past weekend was for me, no one else. It was a practice in being of service, which is incredibly powerful and joyful. It was a practice in being honest, authentic, real, open.

This past weekend was my practice at telling the truth of my story, and the truth of how it changed, knowing that for some people, it seems to be very inspiring to learn about.

I happen to be a human being that once was insane around food.

I could not be in the presence of food without becoming afraid, angry, or condemned. I hated vegetables because they were the only thing I was supposed to be eating without guilt. I hated sugary sweet things because to even imagine eating them meant I was a terrible, greedy, disgusting person.

How incredible to have FOOD, a thing which we apparently need to live in these bodies, be something of such danger. I could slip at any minute into the You Are Bad category. Or be pure in the You Are Good category based on what I chose to eat.

I feel so grateful not to be there anymore. To see all food with equal joy and gratitude. All food as my friend, whether chocolate chips or broccoli.

But how did I get here? It seems like a long and winding road. Learning just a little bit more all the time. Sometimes learning something big, that felt like a leap forward.

I wish I could give it to the people who suffer around food. But everyone seems to have their own path, their own journey.

Now, my work is to allow those people who are suffering to be as they are.

So I want that person or those people to feel better, to feel relief, inspiration, joy, hope, excitement, change or peace….is that absolutely 100% true?

YES!!

Who in your life do you wish would feel better?

How do you react when you believe that thought?

Fretful, hand-wringing, I keep thinking about them, images of them come to mind, I worry. I call them up, I send them emails, I think of ways they could find relief, I offer suggestions.

I might clench my jaws, I might feel concern, and spend time thinking about them. Their image keeps coming into my mind like a broken movie clip flashing over and over. It’s rather mad.

Eeewwww. Yuck. It is not that fun to be in other peoples’ business this way.

Who would you be without the thought that someone else, or a whole group of other people, should feel better than they do?

“Thinking that people are supposed to do or be anything other than what they are is like saying that the tree over there should be the sky. I investigated that and found freedom.”~Byron Katie

Without the thought that anyone should learn, get, or find anything, in my presence or out of my presence, I am so mysteriously open. I am shaking my head in the strangeness and beauty of them all. I am fascinated by whatever state I see anyone in. I am trusting.

I am allowing everything to be as it is. I am letting go.

“You just act sometimes as if you’re God, as if you need to make things happen. I noticed that things happen with or without me, people approve of me or they don’t. It has nothing to do with me. This is really good news, since it leaves me responsible for my own happiness. It leaves me to do nothing but live my life as kindly and intelligently as I can. If you don’t notice and aren’t grateful, I understand. It’s only me I’m dealing with, and that is enough for a lifetime.”~Byron Katie

The turnarounds are actually truer than my original beliefs about other people. In fact, they are the only true beliefs…and maybe not even those, actually:

I want ME to have an AH-HA moment! I want ME to be AMAZED by my own power to ask myself if what I am believing is true! I want me to be EXCITED! I want me to be CHANGED after this weekend and go off into the sunset Renewed!

Done.

Love, Grace

P.S. Last call, a spot left for Friday’s teleclass Horrible Food Wonderful Food, Noon – 1:30 Pacific time. Click below to register or send email with questions to grace@workwithgrace.com.

My Relationship With Food Changed After Your Class

“Dear Grace, I wanted to tell you that after I took your class for two months, I have never had the same difficult relationship with food again. That is a miracle. It’s been six months now, and I still can hardly believe it. I am simply not worried any more about my food, and this changed everything. I recommend it to anyone I know with eating troubles.”~EK Horrible Food Wonderful Food class participant

Learn About Teleclasses Here

Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th.
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: Untangling the Passion, Attraction, Love, Past Terrors, Future Worries, Fear, Confusion, Tenderness, and Joyful Intimacy.Tuesdays, January 22 – March 12, 2013, 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Healing the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating, Food, and Our Bodies. Fridays, January 18 – March 15, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks. No class 2/22.
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29-May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.

In Person workshops:
Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June 2013! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

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Welcoming and Entertaining Pain, Sickness and Death

I don’t always email on Sundays, but I know many of you have been waiting very patiently for the new tele course Pain, Sickness and Death… 

Yes, you read that correctly, if this is new to you. This will be looking in depth at some of our greatest, most frightening, terrified observations and thoughts about being here on this planet.

Our relationship to death, dying, disease, and pain of any form.

If you are interested and have hopes that the class is offered in a certain time zone that works for you, let me know. Since I live in Pacific time, it’ll have to be during my waking hours.

I have to admit, part of me is solidly and defiantly interested in NOT thinking about pain, sickness or death.

Gosh..can’t we just look at the fun parts of life? I mean, do I HAVE to look in-depth at death, trauma, accidents, cancer, pain, losing people, wars, destruction? JEEZ.

I’d rather go to the beach.

In fact, I’ve spent a fair amount of time kicking and screaming and doing everything possible (eat, drink, smoke, distract) to NOT look at these subjects.

But what I notice, and I bet you do too, is that most of us are very, very interested in these topics. And actually, making peace with them, even just a little, is astonishing in how it makes life look more beautiful somehow.

Everyone has had contact with death, sudden change, or pain. Nobody escapes it.

In the past year I have done the work several times on a terrible and intense stomach pain I occasionally experience. I have gone to the doctor to have it checked and had the colonoscopy (I had some beliefs about that all by itself).

It’s a pain that has come and gone for about 10 years, sometimes being so strong in the beginning that I was doubled over and writhing, not able to walk, and breaking out in a sweat.

Over time, I actually one day when having this pain had the thought “is this true?” in the middle of the wave of experiencing it. How odd to even remember the question. It just came into my mind!

And then the thought “I can’t relax, this is horrible”. And seeing that maybe that was not true either. Could I actually relax in the middle of this pain?

I could. Weird. Hard to describe. And then it vanished.

It has come back since then, and I feel open to it. Like “oh…here YOU are, whatever you are, hows it going?”

This feels very different, certainly a completely unusual way of feeling the sensation of pain than I ever felt before. The feeling was still there, but I also thought I was OK at the very same time.

“This being human is a guest house, every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, becasue each has been sent as a guide form beyond.”~Rumi The Guest House

The Work is about welcoming and entertaining them ALL. When the monsters and sorrows and physical agony are allowed here…who knows what can happen.

Love, Grace

Learn About Teleclasses Here

Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th.
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: Untangling the Passion, Attraction, Love, Past Terrors, Future Worries, Fear, Confusion, Tenderness, and Joyful Intimacy. Tuesdays, January 22 – March 12, 2013, 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Healing the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating, Food, and Our Bodies. Fridays, January 18 – March 15, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks. No class 2/22.
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29-May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
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I Am Trapped, Stuck, and There’s No Way Out

When my first significant primary relationship and marriage ended seven years ago, I was really lost and unhappy, abandoned and terrified.

I had so many painful thoughts it was like they came in waves and I could barely keep my head above water….really almost drowning in the thoughts and feelings.

Rage, terror, desperation, anxiety, sleeplessness.

I worked those thoughts using The Work on a daily basis. I got people to facilitate me. I remember spending an entire day with back-to-back facilitation on thoughts like “I can’t make it on my own” and “I will fail” and “he abandoned me”.

A couple of years ago, in my current and amazingly peaceful relationship, my blessed partner suggested we might get married.

OH NO. Not that again. Never! Ever! Ever! I will NEVER subject myself to such ridiculous shenanigans as “commitment” or “marriage” or “promises” that no one can actually ever keep!

Now that I was safely away from danger, and was earning money and almost done paying off my debt, and saved my house from foreclosure, and had many an adventure in dating…I wanted to do nothing that involved even the possibility of dependency or relying on another person.

It was like I had moved from the dark basement to the daylight first floor, and I wanted to keep all options open and make sure I had NO expectations for the future.

I never wanted to live in the basement again!

But of course I recognized that I was having a bit of a strong reaction. Heh heh.

I also noticed that this interesting companion of mine had moved into my house with me and I had said “yes” to this configuration of life. And I hadn’t noticed any problem, imposition, or irritation.

Such a niggling sense of worry about this, though…..I could be trapped! I could be stuck! I could get myself into a situation where I can’t get out without hurting him or other people!

What I found is that just the POSSIBILITY of being “stuck” was the only fear. Many of us have this when considering parts of our lives.

  • I have to work
  • I must clean my house
  • I can’t change my mind
  • It will always be this way
  • I am trapped in this life
  • I can never be intimate with anyone else
  • I can’t really be free

The mind is such a drama queen. So extreme!

Images will spring forth instantly of this terrible, imprisoned, trapped, bounded life where we are stuck with that boss, these kids, this house, that partner, this body, this problem *F-O-R-E-V-E-R*!

Enter Inquiry.

This situation is hopeless, I am stuck, I am trapped, I’m getting cornered, there’s nothing I can do, there’s no way out….is it true?

First of all, I can tell that any of these Prisoner Thoughts are Not True, because I feel stress when I think them.

“Suffering occurs when you believe in a thought that is at odds with what is, what was, or what may be….Suffering is how Life tells you that you are resisting or misperceiving what is real and true.”~Adyashanti

And the ultimate fun is realizing the Great Turnarounds to these thoughts that I am in a concentration camp of some kind with a dictator “universe” in which I am stuck:

  • I do not have to work, I may choose to work and find its really fun
  • I don’t have to clean anything, I might enjoy it though
  • I can change my mind at any second (I love that my husband says that this is what he would most want for me and for him)
  • It will never stay the same
  • I can be completely free in this amazing playground world
  • I can be intimate in many ways with many people, every day
  • I am totally free to say Yes or say No, to make commitments

I can jump off the roof if I want, so that I can fly for 3 seconds, but I will hit the ground after that. I see what happens clearly. If I don’t want to hit the ground, I won’t jump unless I use a parachute.

Something’s going on around here and I can have fun learning all the “rules”. Which is different than complaining about the rules.

“Anyone in harmony with what is has no past to project as a future, so there’s nothing she expects….She lets all things come because here they come anyway; it’s not as if she had a choice. She lets all things go because there they go, with or without her consent.”~ Byron Katie in A Thousand Names For Joy

Who knows what exciting thing will happen today in this vibrant, changeable world…with my health, my job, my housecleaning, my child, my bank account!

Free mind, free world.

Much love, Grace

P.S. If you are interested in understanding some of your deepest “complaints” about being STUCK about one person in your life, or about sexuality and physical contact with other(s) in your life, then join us for either Our Wonderful Sexuality on Tuesdays from 6:30-8:00 pm Pacific time, or Turning Relationship Hell to Heaven on Fridays from 8:00-9:30 am Pacific time. Go to the website to read about the classes in more depth and explore what’s right for you. We have so much fun in class!!

Learn About Teleclasses Here

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They Won’t Like What I Say

Last night a talented, hilarious and kind group of good friends gathered to celebrate a birthday.

At the risk of revealing how North American west-coast touchy-feely we all were…we had what is called an Appreciation Circle.

But really, in all countries and cultures, people give toasts, make speeches, write prose, and express appreciation or gratitude through spoken or written word all the time.

We love true, genuine, authentic, moving words. We love to see and be seen, in truth.

This can also be REALLY SCARY if you’re not used to it.

I used to be so shy and introverted, I remained very quiet if the group gathered grew beyond about 4 people. Just one was best for me.

The thoughts I had when I was so shy still come forward, but I hardly believe them for one second anymore because experiencing the honest connection, experiencing what happens, is sooooo rewarding.

  • I have nothing meaningful to say
  • People will think I’m stupid
  • I don’t speak well enough, eloquently enough
  • I’m not funny (and I need to be!)
  • If everyone is looking at me, I risk being judged
  • If I remain quiet, no one can hurt me
  • I need to hide my judgments, they are too mean

I still notice that with all attention turned on me, my heart may pound and my arms might shake. My body is reacting to these old thoughts….EMERGENCY! Don’t let anyone see or hear you! They might judge you!

Is it actually true that they might judge me? Yes. Almost certainly. They will be looking AT ME and listening to what I say. Their mind will kick in and start making assessments. They really might not like what they hear or see.

But! It is BAD if they don’t like it…..is THAT actually true?

Good question. In my shy days I thought OF COURSE it’s bad! I want other people to think what I am expressing is fabulous!

I want people to like me!

Have you noticed how being in other peoples’ heads is seriously burdensome? It tends to dampen, suppress and squelch any possibility of spontaneous expression.

In my mid-twenties, when I began to become VERY, VERY interested in honest talk, in being authentic, I joined a therapy group.

Three months into the group, I had hardly said a word, even though we met every single week for 3 hours. I believed with a vengeance that if the other people didn’t like what I had to say…it was bad.

I had never questioned that thought.

After being there week after week for those months, one of the therapists said “I’d like to speak to Grace today with everyone listening in an all-group discussion”. GULP.

Adrenaline shot through my veins.

With the whole group listening, this honest and wonderful therapist said to me: “when you are quiet, do you realize how much control and distance you have? No one knows what you think about anything….so they have to guess. No one knows what you’re interested in, what bothers you, what pleases you, what angers you. You don’t share yourself, and you maintain a separate, powerful space by keeping to yourself. You are being very controlling. And we want to know the REAL YOU.”

I wanted to vomit. With fear.

But that was the best thing that could have happened to me, the best thing anyone had ever said to me so far in life. I started talking. I started telling the truth.

My heart’s greatest desire was to express myself.

Everyone’s greatest desire is to express, however that looks. It’s life, living itself, being itself.

Walking around, living life, thinking “I need to hold myself this way, talk that way, look this way, think that way” is like being in a straight-jacket.

Questioning all thoughts that what other people think of you is freedom. This does not mean I will now blast all my mean judgments out towards others…that is not freedom either. It’s the flip side of the same coin.

I look at whatever would keep me from expressing truth in a very real, simple way.

Even with the quietest little voice, speaking what you feel out loud, or writing it down and giving it to someone else, is so appealing, so much fun.

What is one thing you would like to say or express today, that you’ve been holding back?

They will think badly of you, or they will be inspired by you, if you say it, sing it, write it….

Who would you be without the belief that what they think matters?

Revolutionary. Spontaneous. Speaking and not speaking at just the right time and space, for you. Kind. Loving. Real.

“One must be willing to stand alone–in the unknown, with no reference to the known or the past or any of one’s conditioning. One must stand where no one has stood before in complete nakedness, innocence, and humility…..It is the activity of an inward revolution brought down into time and space.”~ Adyashanti  

Much love, Grace

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Happy New Moment!

There are beautiful, sweet, precious, peak moments all throughout our lives. Along with the apparent ugly, sour, ordinary, bottomless-pit moments. And then many in between.

We humans generally like the beautiful ones and shun the ugly ones.

What this “work” of being alive seems to bring is a wider, bigger, more expansive understanding or acceptance of the beauty of it all.

Byron Katie said “Happy New Moment!” to all the people gathered together at The Cleanse.

Can you imagine living your life with the general energy and attitude of absolute-loving-happiness towards each new moment?

I mean really….happy new moment. Now. And now. As you read, do your laundry, go for a jog, take a shower, feed the cat, talk to a friend on the phone.

The moments of this day that don’t seem quite as fun…we have a tool that we can use for broadening our understanding of these moments.

It is, of course, The Work. Identifying your stressful thoughts and beliefs, and asking yourself if they are really true.

Simple perhaps, but tricky. There are so many thoughts!

So if your moment is full of the memory of your mean mother, your neglectful father, your judgmental sister, your over-extended boss, your abusive partner, your lying brother, your cheating boyfriend, your cancer diagnosis, or your annoying clients….you can use this new moment to write out your thoughts and start to question them.

Even if there are so many uncomfortable moments you can remember, just pick the worst one that you can think of right now, and narrow in on that situation only, then write down what you didn’t like about it!

In that terrible, difficult situation…I wanted “x”, I needed “y”. Write down what should or shouldn’t have been said, or done, or thought.

Only then, with the mind on paper, can we really see what to look at most easily.

One of the most profoundly powerful reminders I have received from Katie and all the people who have done the Work with her these past several days, is to sit with the possibility, in this world of duality, that what happened to you, what you didn’t like, had advantages.

What could actually be good about that person saying what they said? Why could it be a good thing that you got that disease? How is it of benefit that that person left, or arrived, when they did? What is an advantage of that thing happening to you? Or NOT happening to you?

This is an incredible thing to discover. It is not an attempt to get you to think positive or deny your very painful experience you had in the past…it is not being all pollyanna on it.

This is admitting…and continuing to see actual advantages for you where before you may have seen it as ALL BAD and EVIL.

Nothing is all bad and evil. At least that’s what I’ve noticed. And the more I find examples of turnarounds for why it is a GOOD THING that it went exactly the way it went….the freer I feel. The more joyful, the more excited, the less fearful.

Less fear is good. I know it, because it feels better.

Not fearing feels natural, simple, peaceful. Not fearing opens up a future you just feel excited about for no reason…you want to clap your hands!

Doing The Work: writing down a painful, stressful thought, and then taking it to the four questions, is very straightforward, very simple. No need to complicate this.

“If you want to learn how to govern, avoid being clever or rich. The simplest pattern is the clearest. Content with an ordinary life, you can show all people the way back to their own true nature.”~Tao Te Ching

Byron Katie suggested to us all yesterday to sit in inquiry 20 minutes a day. Take only one thought and be with it, in silence. Look at it from every angle.

Slowing down and simplifying is the easiest way, the fastest way.

“War ends when you don’t have someone to fight with”. ~ Byron Katie at The Mental Cleanse.

This includes you.

Much love, Grace