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What If I Don’t Wake Up?

I am sitting in the airport (yes, my crutches are still with me and very nice people have been wheeling me around in wheelchairs).

This morning my flight is pretty early….but my ride to the airport even earlier.

Have you ever woken up off and on all night before going on a trip?

Because last night, my sleep was that kind of sleep.

I looked at the clock at 2:33 am, and then 4:04 am. Always the concern “how much longer?” and then a sort of funny back-of-the-mind thought about whether or not I would actually wake up with the alarm.

So funny, the idea that I would NOT hear the alarm, or awaken…as if somehow, I would remain asleep and miss this important occasion.

That part of mind has such an unrelaxed, nervous attitude towards my capacity to wake up.

As if!

Such anticipation of a near-future error! I might screw up!

For the first time, this morning, I actually did The Work on this very small, minor stressful thought “If I missed my flight, it would be terrible”.

Because it is only because of that threatening possibility that I even care about waking up, planning, packing, moving.

Is it true that it would be terrible if I missed my flight?

YES! It would cost money, mess up my schedule at home, and be imposing on my airport pick-up when I arrive at my destination.

I might miss the next class I’m teaching, I might miss my doctor’s appointment, I might, I might, I might…

Hmmmm. Would it really be terrible to miss my flight?

Maybe not. There is nothing unsafe about rescheduling anything and everything. Change occurs.

I see what I’m like WITH the thought. I feel like I never slept all night (which is not actually true).

With the belief, I am leaning into the future in a pretty stressful way, like I’m anticipating the next hours ahead. I’m thinking about when all this is over with, and I’m done traveling. Like I want to skip this moving/waiting/rushing part where I’m on the move.

Who would I be without the thought that it would be terrible to miss my flight?

I would not be diving into the next 10 hours trying to “see” them and make sure they are safe.

Without the thought, I trust myself to participate in this idea of travel, waking up, alarms, being ready, waiting in the agreed upon places.

All is well, whatever happens.

I turn the thought around “it would be wonderful if I missed my flight”. 

Now it’s getting interesting.

I might have quiet time. I’d have time to sit with my computer, or my book…or to close my eyes and rest. I might see more of the strange city I’ve been in. I might run into someone fun.

Something deep inside would relax.

Suddenly, I realize that the thought about not waking up with an alarm feels the same as the thought about not waking up to the Truth, or Enlightenment….

….that future open state of peace.

Eckhart Tolle reminds me that if I focus on the future, my goals, the time on the clock, I begin to lose.

That includes the focus on waking up. Whatever kind of waking up I’m thinking about. 

“Your life’ journey is no longer an adventure, just an obsessive need to arrive, to attain, to “make it.” You no longer see or smell the flowers by the wayside either, nor are you aware of the beauty and the miracle of life that unfolds all around you when you are present in the Now.” 

There could be wonderful, exciting things about missing my flight, missing the future.

Who knows. It is not sooooooo up to me as I think. Everything is working here together with this plan to move from point A to point B. Or not.

Remembering that I am open to whatever happens, everything within rests.

“Nothing comes ahead of its time, and nothing ever happened that didn’t need to happen.” 

With love,

Grace

 

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Flitting About Like A Fool For Sherlock Holmes

It was a sweet weekend evening, time at home with nothing on the agenda. A rare moment after a good day of work, clients, a morning class, and a solid two hours of writing…and a mind ready to read for fun, or watch a great movie.

My 16 year old daughter May is the only other person home.

“Let’s watch Sherlock Holmes!” my daughter exclaims.

Turns out there is a wonderful BBC modern version of the tales.

My daughter knows exactly where and how to watch them on the computer. She’s a huge fan.

We’re sharing a blanket on the living room couch, leaning back, the laptop on a chair, the speakers hooked up for high quality sound.

We’re 30 minutes into the show.

It’s getting exciting. I love this Sherlock portrayal. Brilliant, blunt, hysterical, says exactly what he thinks.

Suddenly, my daughter says “Oh wait! This is NOT the right episode” and reaches for the computer, pushes a button, the whole thing shuts down before my eyes and she’s tap-tapping her fingers on the keyboard.

AAAAHHHHH!! WAIT! STOP! 

The inner sensation is like a rug has been pulled out from under me.

“Hey! What are you doing?!?” I say with a frustrated tone. “You’ve already seen them all…and I liked that! I don’t want to change to another one! Put it back where it was!” 

Inside, I am screaming. Outside I am gritting my teeth.

My daughter looks up, noticing my reaction.

Let’s see what was going on in that moment. Heh Heh.

My story is yanked away! I want to see what happens next! I love being lost in the show! She shouldn’t get me all interested and excited and then stop the movie!   

I felt FURIOUS!

Yes. About a TV show getting interrupted.

The first movie I ever went to, I was five years old. Mary Poppins.

It was the most spectacular, mind-boggling experience I ever had.

Leaving the movie theater, I can remember the dark red carpet, the gorgeous golden lights glowing softly on the theater walls, and holding my mother’s hand.

Out on the street, it was Kansas. Seriously.

As in Not London. Or singing, dancing and magic.

Glaring late afternoon sun. A sidewalk. People departing and scattering in various directions.

My mom says at that moment, I put my head back and screamed, mouth wide open, crying from the bottom of my soul.

What I remember is feeling like all my pleasure and joy were suddenly ripped away, destroyed, the channel changed….just like that. 

Like a switch was flipped. The electricity unplugged.

Not unlike (in a less intense version) this same moment of anticipation watching Sherlock, being lost in the trance of a very exciting story on the screen, and having the trance END.

Time for some honest investigation.

You may have something you’ve thought of as “over” that you wish wasn’t. Not just a show, but a relationship, your youth, someone else’s life, your job, a vacation.

Is it true that the story is over, unplugged, brought to a sudden halt….and that it shouldn’t be? 

Can I be absolutely sure that this switch to a new and different channel is a bad idea? Am I sure it’s actually “sudden”? 

Hmmm. Seems true that it’s over. But I’m not sure 100%.

And I know it isn’t absolutely true that it should keep going and never end.

Can I be sure that it was sudden, ripped out from under me, shocking, frightening, maddening?

Strange to even question this, but it does seem true that it was sudden. Although I realize it’s my version of sudden, and I’m not sure it was sudden until I gave it that evaluation later.

In the moment, it may not have been sudden at all…..it was there, then not there.

Things were like this….then like that.

So who on earth would I be without my story that what I was engrossed in suddenly ended….and shouldn’t have?

Without the thought that my opinion is the most important one? Or that my trance state is extremely important to maintain, uninterrupted?

I would be relaxed. Breathing. Watching my adorable daughter focus on her own ideas.

Roll with the flow and the scenery.

I would notice that this story, the one without a Sherlock movie running anymore, is quiet, tender, sweet.

Silent house, daughter tapping fingers, a moment to pause, no emergencies, curious about what is next, no need to actually ever know what is next.

Something ends. And then there is something right here, in its place.

I would be rooted, solid in the earth, allowing what I see to change, come, go….and trusting reality.

“Why should the lord of the country flit about like a fool? If you let yourself be blown to and fro, you lose touch with your root. If you let restlessness move you, you lose touch with who you are.”  ~ Tao Te Ching #26

I turn the thoughts around:
My story continues! I am already seeing what happens next! I love being found in the present! She should get me all interested and excited and then stop the movie!  
Yes. Because in these turnarounds, I expand and grow up from age five into an adult.
With love,
Grace

 

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The Pure Ego of Feeling Their Pain

Saying No to people can be strangely uncomfortable, even for bold, verbal, articulate folks…..who don’t even appear shy.
Someone calls, or looks at you with big sweet crocodile tears….I’m so sad. I can’t take it anymore. I wish I were dead.
 
If your kid said this, most moms would feel the energy practically spring out of the heart towards the one suffering.
My baby!
Sometimes this movement goes towards anyone who appears to be suffering profoundly.
The underlying assumptions and beliefs get churned up in less than two seconds…..and they might be troubling.
In which case, soooooo good for self-inquiry.
  • this is terrible
  • their suffering must be stopped
  • I need to help them
  • if I say No or move away they will suffer worse
  • Helping means I say Yes, I listen, I stay with them

All in a flash of two seconds, without questioning these troubling beliefs, there is suddenly no choice, a loss of clarity, fear, anddishonesty.

Dishonesty? But!
I am such a good, kind, genuine person. This has nothing to do with being dishonest!
Does it?
Let’s take a look.
How do you react when you believe these thoughts that the person before you is in terrible need, you are the one to help them end their suffering (since they asked you, since you’re here), or you could be responsible for them feeling worse?
How do you react when you’re sure saying No won’t go over well? When you’re afraid of disappointing someone? Or making them mad?
Or sending them over the precipice?
Yikes. I’m very, very careful.
Many years ago, I was madly in love with a brooding and very funny handsome European. A crush.
He told me he was kinda schitz. Very happy, then very depressive. A musician (of course). Edgy, dark. Trying to quit smoking Gitannes.
We had long conversations into the night. Who cares about getting sleep (as I watched the clock tick by…midnight, then 12:20 am, oh now it’s 1:11 am, rats I’ll be so tired tomorrow).
The thing is, if I were truly honest, I would say “I seem to be very interested in you and your fascinating story, and, I am going to sleep now. I hope we get to talk again soon.” 
But there was a clinging, grabbing sense of risk about revealing the overriding desire to go to sleep. A risk if I hung up.
He began revealing the dark inner recesses of the hellish world he sometimes occupied. His painful secrets. His addictive story. Abuse.
Oh yeah. This is serious! I can help! I’ve felt bad before, too!
No more choice in the dynamic. I’m believing he needs help, and I am the one to do it. I am believing that my need for sleep is sort of…stupid.
Considering the comparison.
Who would I be without the thought that there is a desperate problem happening? Without the thought that suicide is bad? Without the thought that someone crying and feeling pain must be soothed?
Without the thought that I have to help?
I would be free to relax, slow down, trust the world, not think I am the all-important solution.
I would be free to be a regular, mediocre, balanced person who sleeps at night, if that’s what I notice I like to do.
I would be free to say No peacefully, with loving kindness. No need to explain, give excuses, feel guilty, worry, give advice.
I could trust the inner voice that says “maybe later” or “not now” or “I don’t know”.
I turn the thoughts around:
  • this is not terrible
  • their suffering must continue, my suffering must stop
  • I do NOT need to help them, I need to help myself
  • if I say No or move away they will suffer less, if I say No I will suffer worse (my real fear)
  • Helping means I say No, I listen to my inner voice, I stay away from them

I realize that every person, including this one who appears unhappy in this moment, is simply expressing. Being themselves. Asking.

I don’t have to have a heart attack. They are allowed to ask. Who made me the boss of the universe, thinking they shouldn’t?
And whose suffering do I have control over? Only my own. And I’m not even doing a great job at that, in the moment that I’m suffering because they are suffering.
“Do you feel their pain? Or are you projecting what they probably feel like? How can you feel another person’s pain? No one has ever felt another person’s pain! We imagine what their pain is like and we feel what we’re imagining! You’re creating your own pain…..’I feel their pain’—pure ego. It’s disrespectful to believe that I can. It’s separating, it doesn’t connect.” ~ Byron Katie
If I truly do not believe that they should not be suffering, I am free to feel joy, laughter, quiet, silence, care, kindness and peace in the presence of their pain.
In the presence of absolutely anything.
Who would I be without this story?
A well-rested, honest person.
Willing to help if that’s the truth. My honest No could be a big help, just as much as my honest Yes.
“The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance of your partner as he or she is, without needing to judge or change them in any way. That immediately takes you beyond ego. All mind games and all addictive clinging are then over….This is also the end of all codependency, of being drawn into somebody else’s unconscious pattern and thereby enabling it to continue.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
With love,
Grace

 

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True Gain From Non Action and Not Interfering

The idea that I don’t need to know how to solve a problem, especially with my mind, is quite radical.

I always believed that in the end, I would be able to solve any major problem (or die trying)!

I just needed to try hard enough, keep looking, consult the experts, study the problem, and hunt down the answer.

Recently I did The Work with a man who felt suicidal, depressed and angry.

He said “I’ve felt this way for so many years, I don’t know what it’s like NOT to feel like this.”

Almost all the participants in Eating Peace (the teleclass that just started) expressed deep, profound discouragement in how long they have suffered with this whole food and eating dilemma.

Here is the way that voice speaks who believes you have a terrible problem….and therefore, you better solve it:

  • if I just figured out the missing key, I’d get this
  • that other approach may have worked for her, but not for me
  • maybe there’s no solution for me….that’s so depressing
  • I hate hate hate this condition
  • there must be something wrong with me
  • I’ve tried everything, to no avail

Here’s the thing.

Feeling absolutely horrendous about something…like so bad you want to crawl under a rock, or die…is a really, really trapped place.

You can’t see anything positive about your situation. Nada.

When I went to a meditation retreat with Adyashanti for the first time, I approached the microphone with a question.

When I got up there, I couldn’t really remember my question.

I said “I’ve tried everything…..” and then instead of listing out all the things I had tried, in an effort to understand life, I choked up and started crying.

Adyashanti said “congratulations”.

What??!

Part of me wanted to say…“wait, you don’t understand….”

But a little light began to glow, with the awareness of how strongly I had held on to the belief that I will solve this LIFE problem (I will understand it clearly) AND that there WAS a terrible problem.

Who would you be without the thought that you have a terrible problem……a devastating, unsolvable problem that you will never be able to live with happily?

You don’t have to have a solution, there’s nothing else required, there’s nothing missing….only no thought that you actually have a problem.

What if trying to solve it has maybe fueled it, or made it worse, or you’ve been using the mind to solve something that it can’t?

Who would you be without the thought that you need to know what to do, right in this moment, today?

I get this start-from-scratch feeling, but not in the mind. More like this is a fresh moment, now.

I notice anxiety, sadness, memories, pictures from my past, feelings and energy moving.

But that is not all that is here. There is something watching, being here, noticing everything without judgment.

“Your way out is to just notice who’s noticing. It’s really that simple…..Be an explorer, witness it. And then it will go.” ~ Michael Singer 

I turn the thoughts around and try them on, see if they could be as true or truer:

  • if I just felt there was nothing missing inside me, I’d get this: I can do this, I can wait, sit, breathe
  • what is here can work for me, I can notice what I’m drawn to: I can be kind to myself, see what draws my attention, feel my intuition
  • maybe there is solution for me….that’s so exciting: this could be just as true, or truer
  • I love love love this condition: odd, but what does this condition give me (depression, addiction, self-hatred)? Is there any advantage? Independence? Autonomy? Protection?
  • there must be something right with me: list them. For me, I love my mind, my perseverance, my capacity to love
  • I’ve tried everything, to no avail—congratulations

When I stop fighting this situation, this condition, then I can relax.

I don’t have to quick go eat, or quick get that done, or feel so resistant, or eradicate depression.

“In the pursuit of knowledge, every day something is added. In the practice of the Tao, every day something is dropped. Less and less do you need to force things, until finally you arrive at non-action. When nothing is done, nothing is left undone. True mastery can be gained by letting things go their own way. It can’t be gained by interfering.” ~ Tao Te Ching #48

With love, Grace

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Addicted To Believing

One space left for Eating Peace starting tomorrow 9 am Pacific time. Hit reply if you want to join or have questions.

Yesterday, as I wrote more for the Eating Peace class curriculum (I’m trying not to go overboard) I remembered the concept that many teachers, including Byron Katie, mention about addiction and recovery.

It’s not the substance or the actual behavior that needs to change in order to feel peaceful.

Although….it WILL change and become more peaceful if you get to the bottom of it all.

But the core root of the “problem”, the actual addiction, the uncomfortable, distressing, out-of-control, compulsive experience that throws us off kilter, is our addiction to stressful thinking.

“Addictions are always the effect of an unquestioned mind. The only true addiction to work with is the addiction to your thoughts. As you question those thoughts, that addiction ceases because you no longer believe those thoughts. And as those thoughts cease, as you cease to believe them, then the addictions in your life cease to be. It is a process. And there’s no choice; you believe what you think, or you question it.” ~ Byron Katie 

Now, now.

Don’t start thinking that this means you have to question every single thought that ever entered your head that felt difficult or painful, or every thought that ever felt bad, or every imagined fear that could happen in the future.

I saw you going there! Come on back!

THAT is a thought in itself, that you can’t stop thinking (and you should) and you’ll constantly believe your thoughts, forever.

I’ll never stop thinking of uncomfortable or troubling possibilities in the future. I’ll never stop remembering sad or traumatic things that happened in the past. 

My mind is a maniac…I’ll never get away from…..THINKING!

HHHHEEEEELLLLLPPPPP!!!!! 

Is it true?

Well, have you ever noticed the gaps between thinking, or between difficult experiences? Have you ever noticed there’s slow times and fast times and times in-between?

Do you sometimes sleep? Can you look out the window for a sec? Do you take a deep breath?

Have you ever been thinking something, but not really BELIEVED it? Like some part of you really knows all is well, and you can relax?

Maybe it’s not absolutely true that you’ll never stop thinking fearfully, ruminating, repeating things, seeing the same things over and over in your mind.

It may be possible that you have stopped sometimes.

How do you react when you believe that you’ll NEVER stop thinking, you’ll always believe your thoughts?

Deep despair and discouragement. Longing. Not satisfied. Problem-solving.

Hunting down whatever can stop the thoughts, or appease them.

Sometimes, this means drinking, eating, smoking and doing whatever “works” for you to interrupt the pattern.

Seeking teachers, solutions, whatever you can find that help offer lighter thoughts, fun thoughts, loving thoughts.

And who would you be without the thought that you can’t stop thinking, and you can’t stop believing your thoughts?

Seriously. Who or what would you be?

Without the thought that you have to believe what you think?

Holy Moly!!

Can you imagine not believing everything you think?

So very, very exciting! Curious. Spacious. Free. Wild. Mysterious.

Just to enter the state of not automatically believing everything running through your brain is true. Not the images, the words, the pictures, the ideas, the visions of the future or past.

Not Knowing.

“You don’t have to destroy the character called ‘me’ to wake up from it. In fact, trying to destroy the character makes it very hard to wake up. Because what’s trying to destroy the character? The character. What’s judging the character? The character. So you leave the character alone. The character called you, just leave it alone.” ~ Adyashanti

Turn the thought around: I’ll always stop thinking of uncomfortable or troubling possibilities in the future. I’ll alwaysstop remembering sad or traumatic things that happened in the past. 

Oh. This is just as true. It’s truer.

I don’t have to believe what I think?

WOW.

Noticing this is enough.

And if those terrible, worrisome visions aren’t 100% true, if those bad feelings aren’t staying permanently…

…you may be able to wait, to rest, and see what happens.

Your craving may pass.

With love,

Grace

 

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Do You HAVE To Share?

Yesterday one of the YOI groups started our month on looking at moments of stress or trouble around…..sexuality.

The orientation around this topic, what is learned or what we’re allowed to talk about….has huge variations from culture to culture, family to family, religious traditions, social expectations.

As we began our call together, I did the slow and steady version of filling out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet as a guided meditation.

That JYN worksheet has six powerful questions on it. They are designed to cut to the chase about whatever really painful situation you’ve got going on.

Some people want to skip this writing part.

“I know what I’m thinking already!”

They see that they’ve got the concept, or the one-liner as many people call it, already clearly in mind.

The thing is, the JYN worksheet helps you get deeper with that troubling situation. Sometimes, the first ideas that come to mind when you don’t like a situation are obvious, clear, and a stream of cuss words.

“I hate this!” 

“That person should *&/%# STOP!” 

“He/she hurt me!”

But you may not really find what feels most painful about a situation until you sit and write about it, answering questions about it, wading through the swamp to review the surroundings.

This is not always easy when it comes to sexuality.

And if it’s not….then I love what one person in our group knew to do.

She wrote her JYN on this topic, on talking about this topic, examining this topic, investigating this topic.

Do we have to talk about this….out loud? Shouldn’t this be discussed in private?

I love noticing simple preferences, comfort, awareness and beliefs about this. In this era where some people think everyone SHOULD be examining thoughts openly about sexuality….

….finding a gentle, relaxed place about this topic and discussion is such a relief.

The Work can be worked completely on your own, or with others.

If a worksheet with all your thoughts on it feels embarrassing, condemning, shameful, frightening, or squeamish….you may be on to a really important lightbulb moment.

Allowing yourself to simply write what you need to write, and speak it out loud (even if to yourself) is all you need to start.

You don’t have to tell everyone. This is your internal work.

You don’t have to go up on stage and do The Work. You can say “pass” if you’re in an environment where it feels better to pass.

If it is super crazy stressful to share, talk, blab about something out loud, the solution is not necessarily blasting through your fears and talking anyway.

Simply notice. Relax.

“In almost every person, every religion, every group, every teaching and every teacher, there are ideas, beliefs, and assumptions that are overtly or covertly not open to question. Often these unquestioned beliefs hide superstitions which are protecting something which is untrue.” ~ Adyashanti

The only thing needed for doing The Work, on any topic, is a willingness to question what is stressful, to look at what I might be protecting and why.

“Don’t believe everything you think.” ~ Byron Katie

Sharing what you discover is not a requirement.

With much love,
Grace
P.S. If you’d like to join a group, to get that rockin’ awesome support team with you who may very well NOT react when you share your worst beliefs…then several 8 week teleclasses are starting soon, and a new YOI will begin in March (new time).

 

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I’m Sad When They Are Sad

Today I’ve been enjoying reflecting on how much I’ve learned about self-inquiry and having my own business in the past several years.

I looked at a few emails I sent when I started my email list, in early 2011.

I would email the dates and time for anything I was about to teach, and months would go by between one email and the next.

Then….a really wonderful friend who also loves The Work (we met because he signed up for one of my teleclasses) kept prodding me to expose myself, wide open.

He knows a lot about marketing.

“Write about your own work”, he said.

I hemmed and hawed and he kept saying DO IT! He sent me examples, ideas, hints, encouragement.

Well….here’s an updated version of one of my first emails. I thought I’d share it with you all today as a way to revisit that old belief that reappears sometimes now and again.

Dear Inquirer,

Although it was scary at first (and still is at times), doing The Work with others and allowing them to see where I hide from the world and myself, is one of the most liberating things I’ve ever done…and continue to do….

…my heart…bare and naked!

So…

I share my work here for two reasons.

One is, to help dispel the myth that people who’ve been “in” The Work for a long time are in some way “different,” more “evolved,” or “superior.”

Wherever and whomever you are, is just right. There are no special answers, special qualities or special ways of being that happen with any guarantee whatsoever.

And I guess the 2nd reason is sort of the same.

To remind you that we’re all working on the same thoughts and can learn from each other’s work.

I continue to marvel at how everyone’s work in my classes…is MY work, too.

I’m also amazed at the courage, integrity, and innocence of “us.”

My clients and class members inspire me.

With that said, here’s a one-liner that reappeared with respect to someone I’m really close to recently:

“He/She should stop hurting.

I look out into the world, I talk with the most amazing, beautiful people, and sometimes I feel a sense of sadness that they are “hurting” or suffering; grieving, smoking, drinking, overeating, hopeless, full of despair, cheated, lost, desperate, suicidal, afraid…
They feel sad, so I feel sad.
Now that’s rather…funny really. I love how right in the moment that I am interpreting that person as unhappy, that I myself feel unhappy.
This happens often with parents. As a mom, I look at my kids and think wow…I really want them to be happy.
Who would you be without the thought that she/he is sad?
That question alone is so liberating. I realize immediately how sadness is not all they are….
….and it’s not all of me, either.
I’ll continue on this theme tomorrow.
We’re all in this together.

With much love, Grace

 

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Thank You For Changing Rooms With Me This Year

Jeez, there is stuff everywhere about the last day of 2013, welcome in the new year 2014, reflect on the highs and lows of 2013, make 2014 the best year ever, let’s set some goals, let’s check off what we accomplished…

….but! It’s just another day! The birds outside have no idea that it’s new year’s eve!

Hee hee.

The Committee appears to be having a discussion about the date change and its meaning and worth.

Numbers, calendars, dates, days, times, goals, plans, resolutions. What does it matter?

It means nothing! There’s no real point!

It does too mean something! It’s a time to reflect, contemplate, review the year.

This needs to have a point, I wish I understood it fully.

Is that absolutely true?

How do you react when you are believing that something, whatever it is, needs to have a clear point or meaning, when it doesn’t appear to have one?

Who would you be without that thought? Without believing that you need to understand what’s going on, or groc what’s happening, or have something “big” happen on New Years?

I would simply be watching….feeling gratitude, looking around with curiosity and wonder.

Whatever you are moved to “do” or say, think, or express in this time when the counter moves forward and we’re about to call it 2014 here on planet earth amongst most of the humans….

….there is something exquisite about using this fascinating mind to meditate on the beauty I’ve seen this past year, inside and out.

It reminds me of the beauty of the present moment.

Last night I sat in a circle of smiling, kind eyes in the faces of gentle friends who gathered on purpose to share whatever came out of them right then.

A timer was set on an iphone, each person got five minutes to speak without interruption.

(Yes, it was my first time out of the house to a social gathering since my surgery!)

As people shared, it sounded like a different instrument playing with each voice, the content, the cadence.

Suddenly, I felt that sweeping rose-colored wave of delight with All This, whatever This is.

A cup of turkey soup, glass table, the back of my husband’s neck, green pine tree needles, a hand, a napkin with tiny red flowers, white buttons, brown tender eyes, voices.

Whether this moment marks anything, or not, I love that we can change rooms, gather with others, investigate our thinking.

For all of you reading, I wish you great love in this new moment, the sweetness of simply noticing what is around you, wherever you are.

Happy New Moment To You.

I can’t wait to be with you here in Grace Notes for this next year of continued adventure with inquiry.

“Leave the familiar for a while.

Let your senses and bodies stretch out

Like a welcomed season.

Onto the meadow and shores and hills.
Open up to the Roof.
Make a new watermark on your excitement
And love.

Like a blooming night flower,

Bestow your vital fragrance of happiness

And giving

Upon our intimate assembly.
Change rooms in your mind for a day.
All the hemispheres in existence

Lie beside an equator

In your heart.
Greet Yourself

In your thousand other forms
As you mount the hidden tide and travel
Back home. 
All the hemispheres in heaven
Are sitting around a fire
Chatting 
While stitching themselves together
Into the Great Circle inside of
You.”
~ Hafiz

With much love, Grace

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Quick Announcements – And The Heaven of Not Knowing

A few quick announcements today:

I love the feedback I’m receiving for the Peaceful Eating guidebook, keep it coming: what is most helpful, what is not necessary, what your questions are.

Click HERE to get it now, and to get updates on recovery from more extreme painful eating issues and the development of a new teleclass program. There is no obligation to participate in any program offered…I would simply love your help by hearing your desires and questions.

ALSO: There is one space open for someone who is at a basic experienced level of The Work in the Year of Inquiry YOI programthat started last September. A rare opportunity. We’re entering the month of January with the topic: MONEY.

What is YOI? I call it Yoi Joy for fun.

It’s NOT just for joy though. It’s for the investigation of reality.

We spend every month on a new topic, with a new focus, doing The Work together, inquiring into our stressful beliefs, changing our worlds, connecting with deep honest intimacy. Our commitment is to examine what’s going on when we don’t want to allow what is.

Not just allow….but love what is. Like the book title “Loving What Is” by Byron Katie (required reading for the group).

Someone in YOI said this group becomes your pit crew, as Annie Lamott calls it….your support team in inquiry.

Unlike the people with whom you interact in your daily life, the primary sharing is the most stressful, dreadful, embarrassing, upsetting beliefs running through the mind….

….and then of course, The Work on those same beliefs.

If you’d like to join in with this current group, hit reply to write me. Our meetings are Thursdays, Pacific time 5:15-6:45 pm.

If you’d like to start from the very beginning for the Year of Inquiry, another YOI group 2014 will begin soon Fridays at 9:00 am Pacific time.

And on this day with simple announcements here in Grace Notes (I will be back tomorrow with written inquiry) I send a little preview about looking ahead into a new year, a new time, a new life, new goals, whatever is coming…..

….with no hope.

Yes, chuckling here. You read that right.

Even with all the awareness we have of time passing, of futures and pasts and wondering what’s coming up, or what that thing that occurred last week was all about……

….I wish you the deepest rest and relaxation right as you read this, right now.

Letting everything be the way it is for today.

“Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all. When there’s a big disappointment, we don’t know if that’s the end of the story. It may just be the beginning of a great adventure. Life is like that. We don’t know anything. We call something bad; we call it good. But really we just don’t know.”  ~ Pema Chodron 

Heaven to be in group inquiry:

“I love that I have to EXPERIENCE the Work, have to DO it, to be IN it.  And when I do The Work – surprise! – I am letting go into the moment. I’ve been at it for a few years now, here and there, sometimes frequently/intensely, sometimes not for weeks or even months. And here we are in this terrific group. Heaven.” 

~ YOI Group Participant

With much love, Grace

P.S. For a short time the free guidebook to peaceful eating, is right HERE. You’ll enter your email again, and be added to the Peaceful Eating list along with receiving the new guide in your Inbox.

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I’m Missing Something Blues

Alas. So sad. Get out the violins! Don black apparel!

I realize I can’t attend the Cleanse (the big New Years event in LA with Byron Katie).

I’m not physically able to actually sit on the airplane tomorrow. A wheelchair could wheel me to the gate, and I am able to use my crutches to get from wheelchair to aisle…

…but dang it, the sitting is not possible without lots of pain!

I must admit. The realization, the changing of the plane reservations, the sorting out who might have my Cleanse ticket all comes easily.

Then afterwards, those little thoughts of loss, missing something, not getting what “I” want.

Have you ever had this feeling?

  • this is terrible news
  • I’m losing: connection, friendship, love, contact, joyous expression, fun, insight, realization, discovery
  • not going means boredom, dullness, lack of inspiration, not meeting people face-to-face who I love
  • I will miss something

Arggh! Rats! It’s true! It’s true! That sounded fun! Staying home and lying in bed is no fun!

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that I’m losing out, that I’m missing something, that my life here with crutches is boring, dull, uninspired, and without intimacy?

Am I sure this is terrible news?

No.

Oddly, the whole thing is sort of surreal, like a dream.

I’m a character in a soap opera, and the main character (me of course) was in the hospital and now is out….and let’s see what will happen NEXT!?

How do I react when I think I’m missing out? How do I react when I think that over there is better than this here?

Sad. Frustrated. Failing.

I think this here isn’t good enough. This moment, alone. This time and place reality is empty, that one is full. This one is sad, that one is happy. This one has nothing to offer, that one has everything to offer.

Yikes.

So who would I be without the thought that I am missing out? That this moment here isn’t the same as any moment at the Cleanse?

I would wait, and look, and contemplate what is happening here, now, in this present.

I would get out the Cleanse recording from last year, and listen. I would notice that I love intimacy, connection, genuine contact. Maybe I could go out with my crutches, or call people to invite them over.

There are many people, right here in Seattle!

I turn the thoughts around. I remember the aliveness of this moment, here, right now. Not the imagined future moment in Los Angeles that I thought would be better. Or a past moment in Los Angeles that I thought was fabulous.

I suddenly know, once again, that all these ideas are projections, images from the past and future, dreams, hopes, illusions.

  • this is outstanding news
  • I’m gaining: connection, friendship, love, contact, joyous expression, fun, insight, realization, discovery
  • not going means excitement, living color, inspiration, meeting people face-to-face who I love
  • I will not miss anything

Oh boy, could all these turnarounds really be true?

Even if your news does not seem like it could be outstanding at all?

Even if it seems like, on the face of it, you are missing something. Are you sure it’s bad news?

Could THIS be what is needed in your life to build connection, friendship, love, contact, joyous expression or your next thrill of enlightenment?

Yes.

“There are always moments when one feels empty and estranged. Such moments are most desireable. For it means the soul has cast its moorings and is sailing for distant places. This is detachment—when the old is over and the new has not yet come. If you are afraid, the state may be distressing, but there is really nothing to be afraid of. Remember the instruction: Whatever you come across—go beyond.” ~ Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

Did he just say “most desireable?”

Wow.

But as I consider this, the thought enters my mind to invite our neighbors over for tea, who have lived next door as sweet and dear people for almost a decade, but we’ve never had them inside our home.

I call a friend, I call another friend. I write this Grace Note and do my work.

Nothing is changed, and yet….

….everything has changed.

With love, Grace

P.S. For 3 more days the free guidebook to peaceful eating, is right HERE. You’ll enter your email again, and be added to the Peaceful Eating list along with receiving the new guide in your Inbox.