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When In Doubt–Lean Inside

Have you ever pondered a decision, flipped back and forth, written lists of pros and cons, agonized, consulted others on what to do?

Just about all of us have done this at least one time: what will be my major, should I go to that school, is breaking up with him a good idea, should I stay, when is the best time to start that program, is this place or that place better, do I choose the blue one or the pink one?

How can I decide? Yowsers!!

Even if you don’t have much trouble “making” decisions….

…you’ve probably had at least one biggie that took more than five minutes to make.

In one of the sweet and powerful YOI (Year of Inquiry) Groups recently, one of our participants asked if they could bring a new friend to the in-person weekend retreat.

The people of YOI meet for these twice a year, unless someone YOI lives miles and miles away (England, Toronto, Michigan, New York, Hawaii….although one member is traveling from Florida…I think distance may be less important than we THINK).

I had to stop and consider the question.

Can someone in YOI bring a friend to just the retreat?

My process: check in with gut, still uncertain, call the requester and have a conversation, still uncertain, hear from other members of the group, still uncertain, consult a wise and detached mentor, still uncertain.

And then….holding the whole group in mind and deeply feeling what is created here with people committing, joining, investing, and being a part of something for a whole year…

…I knew the answer was No.

But oh! I could disappoint the wonderful inquirer who made the request!

Hand wringing, hand wringing.

If you have known that you needed to say “no” to someone, no matter how incredible they are, then you know it’s not personal.

Saying “no”, deciding not to go for it, taking the left turn not the right turn, saying goodbye, quitting that job, telling them “thank you, and no”….

….these are powerful moments. You may not know what you are moving towards, you simply know you are moving away….

It was a very early spring, almost violently bright sunny morning in February in Colorado. My dorm room was warm, the high mountain air dry. I quietly packed my final clothing into my suitcase under my bed.

My roommate was already gone, working out early before she went to church.

A dear young man, Sean, who had carved a beautiful wooden GRACE by hand for me for my recent 19th birthday, was waiting for me in the parking lot in his mom and dad’s station wagon. The smoke formed clouds from the tail pipe.

I had met Sean at the local church youth group in town, off campus.

For all the months here at school, I had tried hard to have fun.

I had tried to work hard, but I was having a nervous breakdown, or a life-break-down, I didn’t know what. I was at the church youth group every Wednesday and Sunday with people and families who didn’t know me from the college. I couldn’t concentrate on my classes. I was obsessing about food worse and worse.

Now Sean was driving me to the airport.

That day, I knew to leave. I knew to head home, to Seattle. Where the sun wasn’t so blinding. And neither were my thoughts.

That was a very, very hard decision.

I was leaving an excellent, high-level small liberal arts college in one of the most beautiful places in the country.

Sometimes, saying No is life-changing and dramatic, and twists you up in knots.

What a grand place for The Work.

Is it true that I shouldn’t or should say NO? Is it true that I shouldn’t or should say YES? Is it true that I need to decide? Is it true that I could make a mistake?

Help Help Warning Warning!!

(Sound effects: Big Honking Fire Alarms Going With Red Lights Flashing!)

Are you sure this is “difficult” and are you sure you don’t really know which way to move?

No. I do know.

“What you start to get used to, very subtly at first, is almost like an inward leaning. There’s an inward leaning, one way or the other. You just feel that the Infinite is inclining toward one direction. Then your mind wants to know, “I feel it is going in that direction. Is that the right direction? Is that true? Is it all going to work out for me?” The interesting thing about the way the Infinite moves is it never answers those questions, does it?” ~ Adyashanti  

Who would I be without the thought that it’s hard to decide, or it’s difficult to say no (or yes), or that something bad will happen, or that mistakes could be made, or that you have to decide NOW!?

Peaceful, very quiet, hearing in the silence the way to lean.

Willing to pause, be gentle. Feel.

Feeling loving kindness and care arise as a leader, a gatekeeper (in this YOI story).

Turning the thoughts around….there is no past and no future, no need to THINK heavily, with effort, nervousness, anxiety.

No expectations, no analysis here, I am present. I say one thing, I say another the next day. Things unroll the way they need to, gathering the input, all in the right timing, everything unfolding.

You will know when deciding happens, or change, or turning back, or moving forward.

“When you become a lover of what is, there are no more decisions to make. In my life, I just wait and watch. I know that the decision will be made in its own time, so I let go of when, where, and how. I like to say I’m a woman with no future. When there are no decisions to make, there’s no planned future.” ~ Byron Katie

Wow. With no future….ahhhhhhh…letting life have you. 

To come join our YOI family, click here. Yes, it’s a whole year, a new topic every month. Telegroups on Fridays 9-10:30 am Pacific Time. Email grace@workwithgrace.com to have a conversation and learn more.

Much love,

Grace

 

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Entering A Higher Form Of Intelligence–Together

Only two weeks from today on 3/8: jam session in The Work 1:30-5:30 pm, Seattle. Start from wherever you are. You’ll take a look at something that seems to not be working well, someone you’ve been troubled by, an ongoing problem.

I love that people show up, and go for it.

At least that’s what I love about questioning my thoughts, my feelings, situations that bother me.

In that moment that I take a seat, sit with other inquirers, pull out a pen and paper….I’m going for it.

Being able to be totally and completely honest, with all the anxious, mean, vicious, nasty, terrified, distressed thoughts….even from the distant past….and look at them head on like they are worthy of being addressed is a remarkable feeling.

These are the feelings I used to avoid.

These are the thoughts I used to shove under the rug, or try to distract myself from.

I should just be happy and doing something productive and not thinking negative thoughts and being a good citizen!!

My old mantra when I felt anger, sadness, or fear was “Quick! Look over there instead! Danger Danger! Do Something Else!”

I used binge-eating, running, movies, alcohol, and to-do lists to keep very, very busy.

Last night, I noticed a funny little evening thought.

Outside was a full moon, quiet night air. A friend had come over and she, my husband and I had tea. We ate some chocolate hearts with fortune messages inside. We all wrote letters together.

After hugs and goodbyes, and putting our letters in envelopes, with stamps, she left, and I thought about several other tasks I needed to accomplish for upcoming events.

I could work on them for an hour or so, before going to bed.

But then…seconds later….the thought “let’s watch the next episode of Dexter”.

(Yes, my second television show series in over a decade. It started with getting Six Feet Under from the library two years ago).

Two episodes later it’s almost midnight.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

But I’m reminded how the urge to escape and think about nothing that has anything to do with ME; my interests, worries, success, fears, goals, pain, suffering, tasks, thinking, uncomfortable feelings….

….is incredibly appealing.

ESCAPE!!

And so, something moved to watch the story of what happens next in that story, and now on Saturday morning there’s sitting and being here again, with less drama.

I love that a client will be on his way soon for a session this afternoon, and tomorrow there will be two more sessions, and Monday quite a few sessions with incredible people….spending time in their presence, looking at the mind, staying with it.

I love that the mini retreat is coming in two weeks, because that is what brings me to presence. I plan to sit and do inquiry.

Willing to sit, be here right now. With this busy mind. With this human body.

If you’re drawn, if it would feel like going for it, if it is appealing, interesting, exciting, maybe a little scary, yet you are willing to look…perhaps you’ve exhausted all other choices….

….join me in inquiry.

Whether a teleclass, Year of Inquiry, a mini retreat coming soon, the Horrible Food Wonderful Food weekend in April in Seattle, I am so touched by what we do together.

Simple as it sounds, placing aside the intention to connect with others and do inquiry is very powerful.

All the big coaching success blah-blah books have this in their directives: SCHEDULE IT.

But they are ON to something.

Go to the retreat. Sign up. Say yes. Join others. Allow yourself to be guided. Show up at the meeting. Sit in the chair. Close your eyes. Start writing.

You may find that as you put your boat in the river of looking, as you enter the flow of inquiry….

….you begin to be directed by an order of intelligence that is far beyond the mind, the personal, the individual.

You’re saying “yes” and you enter the silence. And awe.

And it’s more than just OK, it’s beyond belief.

Give yourself the opportunity to get there. You will anyway, there’s no emergency or rush….

…but why not now?

“In ego-land it’s helpful to have an ego that can discriminate between right and wrong, but at a certain point, that’s not what you are operating by. You are operating by the flow of the Tao, which is a higher order of intelligence. You don’t need to intellectually discriminate anymore because the Tao discriminates without discriminating; it knows without knowing; it moves without moving. There is no sense of being enlightened or unenlightened.” ~ Adyashanti

Sign up for Mini Retreat Jam Session by hitting reply to this email and letting me know you’re coming, or sign up for the next teleclass.

Sign up for Year of Inquiry the same way, or clicking for more information HERE.

Appreciations for Group Gathering in The Work:
“Dear Grace, I so appreciate your teleclass savvy. in my book, you are a model for teleclass giving. This body so appreciates the combined effect of the food teleclass and the work. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.”

“I had no idea I thought I needed money to feel safe and
secure and happy and special and needed and wanted and in control….I appreciate the stress-free but supportive environment you create that allows whatever is up to be welcomed into inquiry.”

“Thank you so much for our group and Grace for such amazing insights and leadership. It’s been a pleasure to let go of so many heavy thought-weights, together.”

Love, Grace

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The Truth of My Mediocrity

I was looking into the face of a woman I didn’t know extremely well. Her eyes were squinted and very pale and icy blue. Her voice was low but edgy, a little like she was trying to control herself. Her face was slightly red and shaking.

We were sitting in a conference room of an office building. This was a board meeting for a big community non-profit organization. I was the secretary.

“Some people look really good on the outside, but it’s deceptive. The way they look is much better than they actually are….” 

She stared viciously towards me. She was clearly saying it to me even though other people were listening.

I almost wanted to look left and right to see if she was looking at someone else nearby…was there someone standing behind me?

There wasn’t.

A huge electrical surge of adrenaline zapped through my whole body, turning my own face red.

Is she saying that I’m a fake? That I appear to be something that I am not?  

My heart was pounding.

I knew this had to do with my poor secretarial skills. I wasn’t keeping up on the notes I was supposed to take and transcribe at every meeting. I wasn’t getting them out on time to the rest of the board.

She was upset. An important deadline had come and gone. It was definitely my fault.

But wait, this was an insult.

What a b*%&#! 

Later, I was telling one of my best friends about this irritating fellow board member and her rude, paranoid, critical comments, and the way she looked at me.

I hate her. She’s making something that is supposed to be fun, community service into a chore. I HATE her! 

Fortunately, my closest friends all know that I love questioning my thinking. My dear friend said “have you done The Work on this?”

Oh. Well. OK.

Is it true that I hate the woman who was upset with me? Is it true that she is ruining my experience? Is it true that she’s making something into a chore, that was supposed to be fun?

Yes. This has gone very badly. She’s too critical. She’s sooo picky. She’s worthy of my hate, my rage, my irritation, my disappointment. She’s embarrassed me in front of other people.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true, though, that I hate her? That she ruined my participation on that board? That she embarrassed me and messed things up?

No. I don’t absolutely know this. When I met her the year before, I instantly liked her. She asked lots of good questions. She cared about the board.

When I first learned that she had no family for Thanksgiving, I thought about inviting her to mine.

How did I react when I believed that thought that she messed everything up…that she insulted me, embarrassed me, criticized me…and was worthy of my hate?

I stopped looking at her, talking with her, connecting with her. I wrote her off. I made any conversation as short as possible from that time forward.

Too scary a person.

So who would I be without the thought that I hated her? Who would I be without the thought that she was a dangerous person who put me down in front of others?

Without the thought that she was a threat?

Oh boy.

Without the thought, I would notice how powerful her words were, that I was affected deeply, that I may not love hanging out with her, but she called me out to be in complete and absolute integrity.

Without the thought that I hated her, my body relaxes. I realize her words are not daggers. Her opinion of me is not actually important. It doesn’t matter if she dislikes me, or thinks of me as a fraud, or irresponsible with my duties.

She’s right! I’m feeling very insecure with my secretarial position! These people are brilliant on this board, and I feel like an idiot half the time.

I turn the thoughts around that I have about this situation, in that moment, with that woman who dared to criticize me in front of other people….

….I love her. She is making something that is supposed to be fun into a very powerful life-changing experience. I love her!

Because after that time, I got crystal clear on my role on that board, I did my duties so that I knew I was doing my best, I cut the fat, I did exactly what I signed up to do, nothing more and nothing less.

I expended my energy exactly where I wanted to. I didn’t try to act nice or say “yes” to something I really was saying “no” to.

“In virtually every situation where you find yourself blaming, attacking or making someone else wrong, there is an unconscious feeling or sensation in the body that is being avoided. Turn gentle, restful, open attention to the sensation and let it float freely without words. Watch it disappear. Then look at the other person and notice it was never about him or her. It was just about avoidance.” ~ Scott Kiloby

After that, I looked without fear at the idea that I might look more together or better than I actually WAS.

Yes. True. Not so terrible.

If she, or anyone, was saying that I am a liar by looking different than I am…well, it’s true.

I think I want to be perceived as great and amazing, but I’m really not. I think I want to be thought of as a genius, or very kind, or loving…but I’m not (just look at my thoughts about that person)! I think I want to be supportive and helpful, but I’m not.

“It was so wonderful when I really understood that I was mediocre. Oh my goodness, what a balance!” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

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Is This Tiny Slice Of Life Enough?

“I can’t get anything done”.

A woman with a tear rolling down her face sat on the couch in my little cottage where I meet people for sessions.

She was a mother of three kids (and she was pregnant with her fourth).

The following week, at the mini retreat I offer sometimes on Saturdays, a man who was the head of a huge insurance company said “I should be doing more.”

He had the same deeply unhappy look.

I need to accomplish my goals, I must clean, drive, fix, take care of household items, I should be working on my dreams, I don’t have time, I have to focus on my vision, I should be farther than this, I wish someone else would take care of that.  

And then, being washed with all these kinds of thoughts there is an urge to cut and run.

As in, ditch the project.

Like a ton of granite, the weight settles on the shoulders…you’ve just been taking care of kids all day, or working at your job…and all you want is to escape.

Oh for just a little television, or a movie. How about a little bite to eat, or a drink? Perhaps facebook.

But what about your meditation, or exercising, or buying lightbulbs or returning those books to the library?

Just leave me alone! I want to stop and do nothing for once! 

I enter the large Victorian house on Elizabeth street in Denver Colorado where I’ve been living for three months. The door is large and elegant, built in the 1920s. It reminds me of my childhood home.

I share this house with four other perfectly lovely, young working single people. Outside it’s been brilliantly sunny all day long, with snow piled along the sidewalks.

No one is home.

The parking area is empty in the back alley.

I am alone.

Two ideas collide: 1) oh good, I can do anything I want without having to converse with anyone, and 2) I should do something productive.

I’m volunteering for student production at the college where I work tomorrow, and I could work on the programs. I could go running in the crisp air. I could write my grandma a letter. I could watch LA Law. I could look at grad school applications.

I drop my bag on the staircase up to the second floor, to my room, and I enter the empty kitchen.

Not even thinking about food, not even hungry really.

The mind chatters about what I should be doing…which by the way, I don’t even have enough time for if I DID do it…but I stay in the kitchen and start eating fat-free red diet jello that I made yesterday.

And then I want to eat some “real” food and I make a small plate of cheese and crackers and take them upstairs. All the while screaming at myself that I should be eating green vegetables instead. And getting something done.

Two hours later, I’m running in the park, jumping over snow drifts, pushing myself hard even though exhausted. I went up and down the stairs eight times, getting more food each time, consuming an entire box of triscuits and then another of wheat thins, a bunch of cheese and ice cream and stealing some of my housemates’ food.

Guilty as usual.

I run for an hour.

Even though I was in counseling and in a therapy group, and knew a lot about self-care….the way I talked to myself was vicious.

I look back now, and remember that young woman as I hear other people have the same thoughts.

Back then, I didn’t ask if it was true that I should do more, and that I wasn’t getting enough done. I just believed it was true…..and I wasn’t.

The same thoughts will run through my mind now and again, only I notice, I simply cannot believe them like before.

Who would you be without the thought that you should be doing more than you are? Without the thought that you need to take action, get on the horse, cross the finish line for that project?

But. Won’t I just lie around like a lazy slob and do NOTHING?

Without these thoughts I might never get ANYTHING done. EVER! I won’t win! I won’t achieve!

I won’t be guilt-free!

Are you sure?

Here’s the thing. Now that I hardly ever believe the thought that I should ever do anything, I do a lot more.

Seriously.

(Ask me right before a workshop is about to start and I might have a different story about done-ness).

Without the thought that I should do anything at all, I’m writing this Grace Note in this moment, hearing the wind chimes sing on the front porch. Feeling the thump of my daughter’s footsteps moving outside past my closed door. Feeling the delicious heat of my black sweater on my arms.

Every little thing alive, ecstatic, like the air is dancing.

Look around right now. Breathe in and feel the room you are in as you read this.

Feel it.

Who would you be without the thought that you need to do anything more, at all? Without the belief that this is not quite enough, there should be more? 

“You have to understand that it is your attempt to get special experiences from life that makes you miss the actual experience of life. Life is not something you get; it’s something you experience. Life exists with or without you. It’s been going on for billions of years. You simply get the honor of seeing a tiny slice of it. If you’re busy trying to get something, you’ll miss the slice you’re actually experiencing.” ~ Michael Singer 

Turn the thoughts around that you need to do something, that you need to stop procrastinating or wasting time, that you must achieve and do more, that you haven’t gotten enough done:

You need to stop, you should sit here, you do not need to do anything, it’s not your job to get anything special done, it’s not possible to waste time, you can slow way down, you do not have to write that letter, you can get everything done that is necessary.

You are enough. This moment is completely full.

Isn’t that amazing? Doesn’t it make you want to stare at everything, with wonder and joy?

The colors, the sounds, the temperature, textures, sensations, smells…can you see how much is around you?

Could this be enough?

Love, Grace

 

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Big Ego Gets Spit Out Of The Universe

I was sitting cross-legged on a brown carpeted floor in a large circle of people. We were in an enormous log cabin far up a winding dirt road in the mountains, thick green forest outside, cool scented summer air coming in through the big screened windows.

Each person was sharing the answer to three questions.

What’s your name? Where did you spend a lot of time growing up? Who haven’t you forgiven? 

One of the workshop leaders had explained that you haven’t forgiven someone if you feel resentful, furious, critical or irritated in the presence of someone….or even just thinking about them.

As people shared, one by one, my turn to go grew closer and closer. My heart was starting to beat a little faster.

I was nervous about sharing, period.

Everyone stares at you! They make judgments! I could say something stupid! And by the way, I can’t answer that question about who I haven’t forgiven….because I’m irritated with EVERYONE! I’m too angry, judgmental and critical myself! 

But here I was. I had signed up for this for three whole days to learn about anger, resentment and speaking one’s truth…..or something like that. I was only 24.

So far, 45 minutes had gone by.  

Fortunately for me, somewhere along the road I recognized that the one who thinks she is important, unique, independent, an individual personality…..is not exactly any of those things.

One of my deepest underlying beliefs back then: I have a problem. I must fix it. I must change myself. This will perhaps help other people around me to change. It has to get better.

Is it true, that I need to fix something? Something about me, something about you?

I need things to change…is that absolutely true?

Of course! That’s why I’m on this stupid retreat!

How do I react, though, when I believe these thoughts that I need change….yesterday?

I gather information, I make plans, I get an agenda, I wonder about myself, and others.

There’s an energy of push, forcing, lazer-beam direction. I get pictures of the future better-looking world.

I’m against stuff. Even my own thinking.

Especially my own thinking. 

So who would I be if I couldn’t have the thoughts that there is a problem around here, things need to be corrected, I have to do something, and that I should fix my own mind?

Who would I without the thought that I really should be more forgiving, or forgive anyone, or be a “better” person and that I better get on that right away?

Weird. I’m used to trying to fix myself. So much to fix, so little time…..right? So many self-improvement course, techniques, workshops, trainings.

“Only a huge ego could say that you’re supposed to be doing something that you’re not doing. If it’s required, just start moving toward it–get the job done. And if you can’t get the job done, it’s because it’s not required. It’s your attempt to mess up the universe, and the universe won’t have it. It would prefer perfection. It does its job. The universe does what’s required. It spits you out–have you noticed?” ~ Byron Katie

I’m raising my hand here! I’ve noticed!

When I argue with what is happening, with another person’s behavior, with my own thoughts, with my own agenda, even about whether or not I should be forgiving….it really doesn’t feel good. Or true.

Turning the thoughts around….

….I do not have a problem. It is not necessary for ME to fix this. I must not try to change myself. No one around me needs to change. It will never get better.

Suddenly laughter wells up. This is not up to me. I am not the boss of How Things Unfold.  

As people share in the circle on the retreat, everyone begins to look so sweet, thoughtful, pensive. Everyone is so sincere.

Coming all this way to spend some time with others, enter the unknown, listen, experience something different.

I suddenly want to hug everyone. Even if I’ve never met any one of them before. I feel joy with this place.

Why, I could probably call up my old ex-boyfriend right now, or my mean old grandpa, or that infuriating 4th grade teacher, and tell them “I love you!”

Wow, I can even see the advantages in those people chewing me up and spitting me out.

I’m not sure I can thank them for it…but I can so see how it’s helped me become so deeply powerful (in a good way) with my own rooted capacity to love unconditionally.

Like a light beam planted deep in the earth, never to be moved.

Oh. Forgiveness. I think I’m getting it.  

“By watching your mind, you will notice that it is in the process of trying to make everything okay. Consciously remember that this is not what you want to do, and then gently disengage. Do not fight it. Do not ever fight your mind. You will never win.” ~ Michael Singer  

I hope this retreat never ends.

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Eeeek I Need To Ask For Help

I was talking with my mom on the phone. I called her because I had the pool schedule, and she had offered to take me swimming again.

I had discovered a rehabilitation warm-water pool about 30 minutes away from my home…perfect for me and my stiff, hurting body after lying in bed for 3 weeks after my leg surgery.

My mom had picked me up and taken me and gotten in the pool with me, following me with my crutches and helping me get dressed in the locker room.

I couldn’t lean over to pick up anything, or reach my right foot.

She had to put on my sock and tie my shoe, like when I was four.

Now we were talking on the phone and I was excitedly telling her about when we could go again.

But I heard a hesitation in her voice.

“The chlorine kind of bothers me. I’m not sure I’ll be able to stick with this. I’m wondering if you have any other options for people who could drive you?”

Oh.

Rats.

A feeling of embarrassment came up through me. I had the thought that while I had enjoyed myself, she had not.

The thing is, people often want to help you when you have an accident, or you’re sick, or you have a very rough experience–maybe a devastating loss, an abrupt change, a shocking diagnosis.

But sometimes….the help can feel uncomfortable.

Like, you’re weighing and measuring how much help is OK, whether or not you should really ask for All That, and if the person who is offering help really means it.

It’s a strange doubt that enters.

The one where even though someone is saying “please tell me what I can do to help” but you think “they will think I’m a pain in the ass if I tell them what they could really do to help”.

Discomfort can even overcome us when we need to ask directions, or for the bathroom key, or for a different meal, or for the late fee to be removed.

These kinds of stressful thoughts are cloudy, confusing, worrisome, and anxiety-producing.

Is that person pleased or repulsed by my need for help?

Let’s take a look and see what could be going on when you’re in need of something, but you’re afraid to ask…or you’ve asked, and the answer appears to be “no”.

  • She doesn’t like me
  • He’s just too busy–other things are more important
  • She’ll feel obligated
  • He’ll do it, be secretly resentful and I’ll pay for it later
  • He’ll think I owe him
  • They’ll think something’s wrong with me
  • They’ll feel uncomfortable about saying no, even though they want to

Is it true that someone might feel obliged, resentful, owed if they help you?

Yes! They might not feel comfortable saying no, and then feel stuck and like they should help.

It could come between us. They might avoid me.

Even if they are a stranger, they might feel all twisted up inside and want to run for the hills because they don’t even like being asked.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that all these possibilities are to be avoided, that they are dangerous outcomes? Can I absolutely know that if someone says “no” that they don’t like me anymore?

No.

How do I react when I believe that I shouldn’t impose, shouldn’t ask for too much help, should do things by myself, or that it’s much better to be entirely independent and need nothing?

How do I react when I believe that people don’t tell the truth, feel stuck, or feel like they are owed something for helping?

I NEVER ask anyone for anything! If I really need something, I agonize about who, when, where and how to ask. I do everything I can to get what I need without putting anyone out.

Phew, it’s a lot of work being in other peoples’ business!

Who would I be without the thought that receiving a “no” is bad, for any reason? Without the thought that someone saying “no” means something about me?

Can you imagine having a “no” be just as fabulous as a “yes”?

How exciting!

Without that thought, everything feels easy, fun, full of humor. Not serious, grave and heavy.

Without the thought….absolute freedom to ask, to hear the answer, to confirm, to have conversations about what works and what doesn’t.

Turning the thoughts around: she still loves me, he may be too busy and that’s fine (it doesn’t mean I’m not important), people will or won’t feel obliged and it doesn’t really matter, he’ll tell the truth honestly with a “yes” or “no”, they’ll think something’s right with me for asking, it’s not my business if they feel uncomfortable saying “no”.

The only thing I am responsible for is asking for what I want, hearing the answer, moving on.

That’s it.

So simple.

Nothing personal. 

“I trust everyone. I trust them to do what they do, and I’m never disappointed. And since I trust people, I know to let them find their own way. The wonderful thing about inquiry is that there’s no one to guide you but you. There’s no guru, no teacher who, in her great wisdom, shows you the answers. Only your own answers can help you. You yourself are the way and the truth and they life, and when you realize this, the world become very kind.” ~ Byron Katie 

I find my own “yes” and “no” and so does everyone else. What they want is kind, for me. Every request and every answer is felt with trust and respect…no fear of the truth, no personal meaning.

Who would you be without the story that asking for help, and any answer you receive, is dangerous, or any kind of a problem, whatsoever?

Love, Grace

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How To Get The To-Do List All Done

The word “whelm” comes from an old English term that meant to overturn a vessel. Totally submerged, turned upside down, drowning, helpless.

Today, I glanced at the clock knowing I had exactly two hours to respond to a bunch of emails, write for 50 minutes on my book proposal (at least that’s my little plan), take a shower, finish my taxes, work with a client, write this blog, fix something on my website, watch a training video, and make a green smoothie.

If I really did all of that, it would take five hours. Depending on the speed needed for the email replies.

The mind kicks in…what can I cut?

Not enough time! Not enough time! Not enough time!

And then there’s a few more personal messages I would actually like to respond to but naturally, not enough time for those, either.

When time appears to be limited, with more things to do in it than what allows….a strange dynamic gets built that believes in TIME and that MORE of it will resolve this state of un-done-ness.

Yesterday, I unexpectedly devoted a lot of time to my wonderful son who is 19. He needed fairly quick medical attention and we had to see an ear, nose and throat surgeon/specialist.

After a fascinating two-hour visit (I got to see a film of his inner ear on a big screen and a bunch of weird stuff inside it) and a procedure, the next step was driving son back to college. Ninety minutes away.

3.5 more hours for me out of my “schedule”.

Now, because I love caring for my kid and have zero trouble with whatever needs to happen there, the whole afternoon and evening I did not consider a waste of time, and I loved spending time with him….

….but I had the thought this morning that I don’t have enough of it to allow for surprises, changes, hitches, cancellations.

Then, in comes the itchy little thoughts. I need more time, and for these reasons (x, y, and z) I am getting held back. I should cancel my dinner date tonight. I should skip my own physical therapy appointment later.

Uh oh. Overwhelm is descending. The boat is getting turned over.

Ahhh….must inquire.

What do I actually need more time for?

Creativity, building and making everything I’m thinking into a reality, connection, success!

And what do I need creativity for? What would I have, if I had my creations manifested into reality? What would it mean if I emailed back, traded communications with people? What would I have if I had success?

I’d feel Happy! Powerful! In Service! Mighty! Joyful! Rooted!

Quite remarkable what I think more time would give me…like it’s an obvious stepping stone to feeling strength, happiness, and joy.

Woah.

If I just had more time, I wouldn’t feel so incomplete, unfinished, unstable, small, limited, insecure, unsafe……

I suddenly picture I’m at the end of my life, still with the thought.

Please….just a little bit more time? God? Source? Reality? Universe?

Like I’m asking something Out There.

More. Now. I personally need it.

I see how I am when my convinced mind that believes that More Time would offer greater happiness.

I get all worked up internally, going fast, speedy. I feel an adrenaline rush. I don’t go to the bathroom until I’m bursting. I don’t ever pick up the phone when it rings. I feel irritable with interruptions.

I think about canceling things I love to do most.

Like I’m running a race and I’ll wait til it’s over before I slow down, or take care of basic needs, or simply enjoy myself, or pay attention to anything except the finish line.

So who would I be without the thought that I need more time and there’s not enough of it right now?

Writing this Grace Note. Taking a long, deep breath.

Without the thought that anything is actually un-done?

An even deeper breath.

Everything good the way it is. Everything brilliant the way it is. I stop and look around the room, hearing the air of the heater, listening to the mail truck drop off mail, feeling my sweater on my arms, relaxing.

Turning the thought around: Everything is completely and entirely Done right now, in this moment, as much as it needs to be for my happiness….I do not need More Time. 

“As soon as your idea of enlightenment becomes time-bound, it’s always about the next moment. You may have a deep spiritual experience and then ask, ‘How long will I sustain this experience?’ As long as you insist on the question, you remain time-bound. If you are still interested in time and the spiritual accumulations you can have in time, you will get a time-bound experience. The mind is acting as if what you are looking for isn’t already present right now….So you miss what’s actually here.” ~ Adyashanti

Here now is a beautiful silver laptop, and a full spectacular mind thinking many thoughts, words spilling out onto the screen, images of meeting a very close friend for dinner later, feeling the joy of creativity in this moment, feeling in service, noticing how very safe I am, connected to the flow of life…

….joyfully unfinished, not done.

No submerged boat. Not whelmed. Not underwater, not drowning.

FLOATING, face up to the gorgeous sky, feeling everything.

Could it be TRUER right now that I am complete, finished, stable, expansive, unlimited, secure, safe……OR happily incomplete, unfinished and never actually DONE?

Into my mind comes the picture of butterfly eggs, caviar, dandelion seeds….the burst of multiple millions of something in nature but only a few actually become fertilized.

The eggs that aren’t fertilized aren’t screaming for more time.

Maybe thoughts and to-do lists are like that, too.

So you just pick the ones you feel joy about getting born, and move into the activity of completing those (or not) and notice what is here, now.

Nothing more is required.  Nothing.

“Nothing comes ahead of its time.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

 

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Watching Football For No Reason

Normally on Sunday afternoons I start my Grace Note for Monday morning.
But yesterday offered an unusual opportunity: watching football (the American kind).
Now, I must confess, I haven’t watched football in a few years. I don’t even know all the rules.
But it was such a sweet adventure.
I had printed out a google map of the location where I was invited along with my husband. My son arrived home unexpectedly for the weekend from college, so he joined us.
Our destination?
The home of someone I knew in high school who I had not seen in about 30 years.
The map showed that we would be traveling for 40 minutes and into a slightly unfamiliar neighborhood. There would be other high school friends there, too, who I also hadn’t seen since 1979.
Now that’s what I call an adventure.
Paths not crossed, yet lives being lived, the business of being human, growing, expanding, becoming aware….how had it played out for these friends?
And these were the football guys from HS. I mean, the popular team players. The guys ON the football team.
Well….they were all totally welcoming, kind and fun. Long stories were not necessary, details were not exchanged like “what do you do, where do you work, how long have you been married, how many kids do you have.”
There was a game to watch!
It reminded me that people connect, then separate, then connect again….like dancing.
I’m in a car driving to another nearby town, then I’m in someone’s new kitchen circled with others holding hands hearing a blessing of the food and people gathered, then meeting new people and eating guacamole and chips, then high-fiving people in a room, curious, delighted, in the now, sharing.
Yesterday, there was a thought of wondering why I am called to drive 40 minutes in what turned out to be heavy traffic for part of the way, in order to watch something that could be watched at home….
…but then the thought “who would I be without the thought that there has to be a reason?”
Who would you be without the thought that you should know why you are going here or there, or that there must be a clear goal, or a purpose, for what you do?
Without the thought that you need a good logical reason to be drawn over there, or that you should avoid long travel, or that it is hard or arduous.
Once at an Adyashanti retreat, there was a woman who stood up to share on the very last day at the last hour of a one-week retreat in California at a meditation retreat conference center.
She said that very recently she had been searching for something on the internet, not even sure what….and came across Adya’s website and began reading.
She then knew she had to come meet him.
She puzzled about it. Because she lived in Australia. And she wasn’t a meditation retreat type person. She smoked cigarettes and ate meat and had no personal spiritual practice.
But she got on an airplane and showed up at the retreat a week later.
I don’t remember what she looked like, but I felt her braveness and her clarity. There was no “should” about being there. She was so honest about feeling like she didn’t fit in.
Adya said “Oh! It was you who was smoking! I loved that, it reminded me of my grandpa.”
Who would we be without the story that it’s easier or safer to stay home, or that we should know why we’re called here or there, or that we don’t fit in?
Even in the smallest ways…like showing up to gather with friends just because that’s the next thing to do, with joy, even if we have no idea what’s going on in football.
“Being and non-being create each other. Difficult and easy support each other. Long and short define each other. High and low depend on each other. Before and after follow each other.” ~ Tao Te Ching #2
Turning the thoughts around and letting them come alive and living them out: I don’t have to know the purpose, I follow the joy, I say yes, I say no…I relax into the way of it…there doesn’t have to be a reason, I’m not running things here.
The adventure of a lifetime!
“If you put your hand into a fire, does anyone have to tell you to move it? Do you have to decide? No: When your hand starts to burn, it moves. You don’t have to direct it; the hand moves itself. In the same way, once you understand, through inquiry, that an untrue thought causes suffering, you move away from it.” ~ Byron Katie 
Same with moving towards something you love, what brings joy, honesty, connection, play, lightness.
For no reason, you know to do it. 
Love, Grace
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Escape Route To The Present

I can walk, I can walk!

Isn’t it funny to become excited about returning to your previously “normal” experience (in my case, having the use of my right leg as a regular working leg)?

The most intense part of the ordeal is over, apparently, in my journey to healing.

Although, I can probably testify that my right leg and hamstring will never be the same again. There’s a big scar, and permanent titanium pins embedded in my right pelvic bone.

But this body, and all its functions…what an incredible entity for receiving our judgments.

Often the mind runs rampant with its opinion about what should or should not be happening:

It should go faster, stop hurting, be smaller, grow taller, return to normal, heal, be younger, have no wrinkles, feel juicier, feel stronger, be softer, flatter, smoother, lighter, heavier. 

It’s sort of an incessant commentary.

In the Eating Peace group, we’re looking at the body, and zoning in on judgments about what is ugly or repulsive.

Too fat.

But what does that actually mean? In the past, I knew something was off about the whole fat/thin, old/young, abled/disabled assessments…but it seemed the only way to oppose all that was to think about something else, or apply affirmations.

Until I found The Work I didn’t even know how to examine this torturous belief-system in detail.

Is it true that your body is too fat, or that part of the body?

Is it true that any part you’re fighting with should be different than it is?

Well, duh. Of course it should different…look at that extra roll around the middle! Yuck!

Are you sure it shouldn’t be the way it is? Are you sure it’s too fat?

Even if you still say “yes”….because it seems like a dumb question…see if you can actually ask and answer.

Because when I stopped to answer, I couldn’t know for sure, not absolutely, that the part of my body I was looking at was ugly.

Scar tissue, atrophied thigh, sagging skin.

Ugly? Even if I were from another planet and had no reference for this belief system?

No.

Who would I be without the thought that something’s wrong here with the body?

Some people think at this point that they’d go off their rocker, become wildly obese, never work out again, stuff themselves silly every day, stop all physical movement, if they didn’t have the idea that something was wrong.

Can you be sure of that? Are you sure you have to hate it and think it’s ugly to get motivated?

Turning the thoughts around: this body should be exactly as it is, in exactly this state at this time.

How could that be truer? How could I be soft, gentle, kind and accepting with this body, here, now?

Which way would feel better….saying “this body sucks” or “this body rocks the house”?

Which way do you think you’d lose weight, feel less pain, relax with the illness you have, recover from an injury?

“Relying on thought has been our escape route. The only instruction we need to follow from the mind is ‘rest in presence’. This one instruction changes everything.” ~ Scott Kiloby

Dropping all ideas about right and wrong with the body, what is or is not true, what I deem ugly or unacceptable, I feel freer, full of wonder. Curious, present.

What if the next time you feel overwhelmed with self-criticism about your body, or despair, or you feel craving and hunger, or a pull towards a substance that doesn’t end up well….you just sat there.

And did nothing.

What if the easiest way really is….the easiest way.

Love, Grace

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Telling The Truth To Others Changes Everything

The Year of Inquiry (YOI!) circle begins 3/7/2014 and our in-person live group (optional) retreat in Seattle is only two months away. If you are seriously considering joining this fabulous one-year small group of inquirers, email me soon for a conversation: grace@workwithgrace.com.

A participant shared this with the YOI group, and I feel the same way:“I’d like to say how much I’m enjoying being a part of this group. I thank you all very much for coming together and making it possible. I thank me, too, for this gift to myself.” ~ YOI Circle Participant

Being connected to others in groups and at a deeply intimate level has offered me shifts in my life that have changed…..everything.

But being in a group can be uncomfortable! It can be really freaky scary!It might be boring, stupid, full of annoying people, or depressing!

The first time I went to a twelve step meeting, thirty years ago, I was so shocked that people spoke the way they were speaking. I was quite literally stunned.

I had no idea you could say out loud what was going on inside your mind and heart.

I had no idea you could actually tell the truth.
But I caught the bug of awareness about my own mind by hearing others talk about theirs.
A few years later, I joined a therapy group.
That scared me half to death. I was silent for six months before the therapist actually said “your silence is actually very controlling”.
OMG! Really? But I don’t want anyone, ever, to see anything wrong with ME!
Oh. Right.
When I first encountered The Work of Byron Katie, I felt a memory stir of how I felt when I started that group therapy in my twenties.
I wanted to clam up.
Thanks! Got it! I’ll just go away and handle this BY MYSELF!
See ya! I’m good!
OK then!
Yep, yessirree I’ve done a LOT of personal work so I’ll take it from here!
I wanted to burn my Judge Your Neighbor worksheets. I might even look over my shoulder while I wrote them just to make sure no one was coming.
Once, I even watched myself skip right over one of my sentences written down, one of my stressful concepts, as I read them all out loud to an actual facilitator (that I could hardly believe I had hired).
I couldn’t read that one. Then the facilitator will really hate me.
Maybe some judgments are acceptable, but not that one.
I’ll just work on that one later, by myself in my closet with a flashlight.
The truth is, when you work with a group of people, and get to know them and show up regularly, you have no way to manipulate, direct, appease, lighten, or control what anyone does, says, thinks or feels when you tell the absolute truth.

We may see parts of you that you normally keep hidden. You may not be able to keep that ugly stuff to yourself anymore.

“The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes.” ~ Pema Chodron
 

The thing is, you can only maneuver your life into being closed and careful for so long.At some point, for everyone, their interest in the truth and revealing themselves becomes more important than holding things together.

I find every time I join a collection of people with the intention to learn, grow, incorporate and understand….it’s thrilling. Our joining makes something wonderful happen.

But I’ve got a lot of practice now at self-disclosure. I know from experience that it works WAY better than puttin’ a lid on it.

I speak from careful testing.I would have LOVED to maintain a perfect image and never have to say the yucky stuff, the fears, the anger, the sadness.

But it was killing me not to.

Even if you’re super crazy shy, you know how great it feels to have one of those wonderful, close, connected, honest conversations.

Being with others in a deeply honest way may not only be good, it may change your entire life. Twelve step groups, support groups, one-on-one counseling, group therapy, retreats, prayer circles, study groups, people who do The Work of Byron Katie together.

We the people are somewhere you can reach us…whether on the phone, in your neighborhood, in your city.

You mean….I am going to reveal my stressful, weird, unpleasant, nasty, immature, pissy beliefs?

You mean I’m going to tell about my inadequacies, fears, and anger?

You mean I’m going to write what is inside my head? On paper (not in invisible ink)? And read what I write OUT LOUD?

Yes. You are. You know you want to!

You may feel sick for a little bit, but it rocks. The more I’ve done The Work….the easier its gotten to reveal my innermost crushing thoughts to other humans.

In fact, the cave is no longer dark and musty and smelly….the one filled with all those resistant beliefs.

It’s rather light and treasure-filled now.I see now that this comes from being totally and completely honest, noticing exactly where and what I wanted to hide, and uncovering it…all the way.

“Most people don’t get out of childhood, or adolescence, without being wounded for telling the truth. Someone says ‘you can’t say that’ or ‘you shouldn’t say that’ or ‘that wasn’t appropriate’ so most of us human beings have a very deep underlying conditioning that says that just to be who we are is not OK…….Most human beings have an imprinting that if they’re real, if they’re honest, somebody’s not gonna like it. And they won’t be able to control their environment if they tell the truth.” ~ Adyashanti

Letting go of control, you become very honest.That moment of speaking the truth without trying to get anything or expect anything or look a particular way…of just being you…what an amazing shift.You may notice a freedom beyond belief.

“If you aren’t afraid of dying, there is nothing you can’t achieve.” ~ Tao Te Ching #74

If you’re ready to be with a group, supporting you through inquiry with honesty and integrity, then come on down to the One Year Program and join our telegroup, starting 3/7/2014.You will be welcome here…the real you.Love, Grace(This Grace Note went out originally in Sept 2013…it’s modified here since I’m gone celebrating my birthday.)