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Memories Bringing Love Into The Now

The other day I walked through my childhood home here in Seattle. My parents owned it for 28 years.

A friend had driven by, and seen the For Sale sign in the front. She had spent many nights there. With four girls in our family with a span of under six years, there was a lot of voices, activity, movement, people coming and going, meals, parties, meetings, community.

The friend who drove by wanted to see the inside again. So did I. My daughter, my current husband, my mom, my youngest sister, my niece, one brother-in-law….we all came at the appointed time.

As I stood in my parents bedroom I suddenly felt the strangeness of remembering my father’s death right in that very room, of leukemia, almost 25 years ago.

All of us had been there with my dad when he passed. It was odd to think “it was right here”. Images flashing of holding his hand, all the candles that were lit, the bed was over there, the dresser was here….

….and then other images and scenes from totally unrelated times in that same room. Here’s where the closet door used to stick, and it still sticks. Here’s where we passed to go out to the roof top to sunbathe.

As I entered the basement I could hear Earth, Wind and Fire in the distance from all the house dance parties, so much dancing. My sweet sixteen party.

My first wedding.

And my own bedroom. No furniture, seeing the past overlaid onto the space, the walls and the shell of the room in the Now.

People call it nostalgia, taking a walk down memory lane. With so much life lived in that house, there were many memories popping, floating in the room. Even in the front hall closet, running my hand over the wall paper, the very same coat hooks.

Then somewhere in the corner of the mind, a sadness. Something moved, felt, the ghosts of the past, these moments, gone forever.

I had the thought “Life is temporary. Now I am standing here, remembering, and many years, over.”

What is sad about it?

Time for inquiry.

All that life passes by, unfolding, and every moment temporary, gone, vanished except in ghost images in the mind. Sad.

Really? Are you sure it’s sad, uncomfortable, haunting? Are you certain that this walk-through in this moment is not perfect, hearing the voices echo in empty rooms NOW?

Are you sure you miss it? What is it you think you miss? Is it really gone?

Yes! On a timeline, things go from beginning to end. I was happy then, I was care-free (not true), I miss my dad, I’ll never be that young again.

Is that really a sad thing? Are you positive?

No. 

I notice what happens when I believe that there is a past and it’s gone, or over, and that this is sad. 

So who would I be without the thought that remembering all those moments, seeing the images and pictures, is sad?

Realizing that this house was built long before I ever existed, and others also lived here, and it will stand long after I am gone.

The way of it is things come and go, things are created, then they dissolve. 

“It’s just a thought, with no energetic or emotional pull. I no longer live with any sense of lack. When that is gone, life is just lived in the here and now, like I say, loving dogs or eating prime rib or whatever–not to reach a later goal.” ~ Scott Kiloby 

Could this be very, very happy, this moment? Not seeking any repeated moment, not seeking any later goal, not hoping for something else?

I turn the thought, the feeling, the experience around….just to try it on, not to try to get away from the feeling of nostalgia or that something missed. 

Could even this moment, remembering so much, be good, be OK, be beautiful?

My current partner, asking me questions, my youngest sister asking me if I remember the way the pantry door hit the dining room door and what a hassle that always was, and us laughing. 

My niece saying to reenact my wedding for everyone, and me hamming it up. Laughter. My mom saying “I’m sure those stained glass doors were never like that” and everyone else saying they remember those doors to be exactly like that. 

Everyone hugging each other goodbye, everyone touched.

On the way home in the car saying “shall I take you out to dinner?” to my sixteen year old daughter, when I almost never go out to dinner at restaurants, or take her by herself.

My daughter saying “this place is so awesome, I want to have my next birthday dinner right here!” 

Laughing with her, sending a snap chat to her brother, my son, of our delicious food. Talking with her about my memories, her grandpa. 

Something being re-membered right here, in this moment. A little piece of story told, joyfully, for no reason.

“Life without a reason, a purpose, a position… the mind is frightened of this because then ‘my life’ is over with, and life lives itself and moves from itself in a totally different dimension. This way of living is just life moving. That’s all.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love, Grace

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Without Comparison God and You Are One

That person is soooo cool, she has it together, he is successful, she is so fit, he is such a dynamo at business, they are so lucky, he is so enlightened, she is so good at helping tons of people…

…have you ever had Comparison Worry?

I love taking a dive to investigate stressful beliefs about these kinds of thoughts where you feel some inner glitch because a human out there has something you feel drawn to yourself.

You want it, too.

You do not have it.

Now, before you chop yourself off from this inquiry by saying“there is nothing I really want, I am fine here with me, there’s no one else’s life I want”…

…stay with me if you have a tiny dream that feels unrealized.

Like “waking up”, being confident, feel abundant, doing good for others (like Mother Teresa), being kind, feeling peaceful at all times, making a difference.

Now think of someone who DOES occupy that role, that space, who has it.

They know something or have something that you do not have—is that true?

Yes! I saw him give a speech. He said he made $122K in one month AND he’s helping tons of people change their own lives and contributing to a more joyful world. He’s so confident!

Yes! She offers personal awareness programs and has waiting lists for participants and helps people recover from terrible addictive behavior. She’s so loving!

Yes! He gave people hope, he was so awake people still talk about him after hundreds of years. He was so radical and kind!

Are you sure it’s true, that when you look over there at that amazing person, that enlightened teacher, that they have some quality, or insight, or idea that YOU don’t have, that you’re missing?  

Really answer this question, with honesty. You might be surprised. The answer might be No.

Even if you’re a regular self-doubter.

How do you react when you think the thought that what is going on over there, in that person’s life, is not possible for you? Or if it is possible, it’s not here yet, dang it!

I chase! I’m on the move. I’m rabidly reading books. I buy information, I check out 800 items from the library when I could only read one at a time.

I analyze, I work very hard, I concentrate.

I had a client recently who had this same kind of thought. I want that lifestyle, over there, he thought. I want to be like so-and-so, the one I admire. I want a girlfriend and a great career.

The way he reacted is, he felt depressed, hopeless, defeated. Like it was impossible. Too late. Too hard. Too many rejections so far.

How do you feel physically, with that thought that you are not there yet?

Tired. Tight throat. Sinking chest.

And now….who would you be without that belief? Without the thought that you don’t have what it really takes, or you have a long way to go before you get there, or even, there might be something wrong with you?

Right in this moment, what would you be without that idea?

“Many people find their spirituality taking them outward. They think they are going inward because they have heard the spiritual teaching, ‘Inquire and look within.’ Meanwhile, they are out in the stars somewhere looking for someone else’s experience, looking for the right experience, or looking for the experience they believe they are supposed to have. This is spirituality going entirely in the wrong direction. Inquiry is a means of taking you back to yourself, back to your experience.” ~ Adyashanti 

As I watch the amazing cool young man on youtube who I love that has built a really innovative business (in my opinion) and as I watch all the beautiful teachers of human inquiry and enlightenment and healing….

….without the belief that I am missing something, or that they have something I don’t, or that I’ll never get there….

….I notice I’m delighted beyond words. The variety of success, joy, abundance, wisdom is infinite in this environment.

This place, here, in this particular human life is just right for now. It’s like a garden blooming full of flowers of the most amazing varieties. Today, it turns out, this is what is called for, that is what is moved to, this is how it moves.

It’s not personal.

“Reality is something I can trust. It rules. It is what is, and once it is, there’s nothing I can do to change it for the moment. Nothing. I love that. It’s all so beautiful…..There’s a perfect order running. I’m a lover of what is. Who would I be without my story? Without my story, in this very moment, is where God and I are one.” ~ Byron Katie

Without my story that I don’t have that, or there is something different about that other person’s life (more successful, easier, bigger….or for that matter less successful, harder, smaller) then this moment is quite brilliant.

It’s one gigantic I-Don’t-Know.

I am here, with myself, and find whatever this is (this person who is apparently me) is temporary, unfinished, filled with life energy, watching, taking things in, communing with these other visions of people.

I turn the thought around: I am not missing anything, nothing at all. I have all that is needed, here now. I could die this moment and know it’s been enough, is enough. I am the most incredible person, I LOVE myself, what an interesting human! 

Could that be as true?

How does it feel, despite all the heartache, setbacks, mistakes, loss, failure….to know that you didn’t miss anything, you have all that is needed, that you ARE the qualities you admire, and it’s fine if they don’t look like that person over there.

They look like you, over here.

Even if you DO have doubt about yourself or your abilities, what would it be like to feel that turnaround right now, in the second you’re reading these words: there is something right with me, this is good enough, I love, I enlighten, I serve, I am abundance, I make a difference, I am radical and kind, I am awareness. 

“We are that awareness, whether we’ve noticed it or not.” ~ Rupert Spira

Appreciating This Process

“I wanted to share with you that as a result of doing My Work relevant to ‘Eating Peace’ I am having one of the most peaceful, easy and gentle in my mind evenings home-alone nights in a long time.  I don’t eat much during the day, but evenings are my tough times. Lots of surprising underlying thoughts to Work with have come up, and I feel deep appreciation for this progress. Thanks so much for holding the space for this!” ~ K

Much love, Grace

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I Must, Should, Ought To, Have To, Will!

I must, I have to, I needa, I should, I will, I ought to, I shall…..

These kinds of thoughts enter the mind in an instant and will repeat themselves in a light way, or an intense pushy way, constantly.

You’re in great pain, feeling sick because you’ve done what you said you would never do: buy, spend, drink, eat, watch, lust, obsess, contact, chase, grab, surf.

Maybe you’re physically sick because you’re practically killing yourself with substance abuse…and this is that moment where you’re very aware that this is happening and how much it hurts.

I must quit, I have to quit, I need to control myself, I ought to stop. 

Or, on a slightly lighter note, maybe you’re experiencing a transition like a relationship break-up, a job change, a new housemate.

I have to hurry, I need to work hard, I must change this situation immediately, I will change it, I ought to stay vigilant.

Or, even on a very teensy subtle flicker of a note, you flash on a desire for change.

I should get a new car, I must get that adjusted, I have to finish this today, I ought to be more organized.

Two weeks ago, I looked at the little space between my refrigerator and the wall of my house. I can stretch my hand into that space, my palm touching the white wall, the back of my hand almost touching the fridge. On the other side of this wall is the outside of the house.

My palm feels the damp. There is pealing paint. The rain pours down and obviously there’s a leak up above. Maybe a big leak.

I think “Dang, I MUST figure this out. I need to call someone. I need to find a roof/leak specialist. ASAP!”

Then I walk away, and a few days go by and I forget about it.

I know, I know. It could be really serious, or expensive, and a hassle.

I called someone last year for the same problem, and they came and fixed something on the roof, and my husband paid him some cash, and we thought it was handled.

But something calls for looking again.

It’s the same with our leaking beliefs, right?

Here comes the awareness that something needs attention. I feel pain in the form of worry, stress, sadness, fear, anxiety, irritation.

I say “I really HAVE to do something about this.”

But that thought, in itself, sometimes fosters stress. The pushiness, the demand, the command, the attack, the screaming.

Like you’re yelling at yourself to do it.

You might find, if you don’t like to be yelled at, that you procrastinate, forget about it, dismiss it, or say “I’ll look into that later, when I damn well please, it’s not that freakin’ serious, jeezus.”

If you have a thought that you HAVE to do something, and then right on the heels of this a turning away from that thought, you may want to take a look.

Are you sure you have to?

No, of course not.

I am free to move or not in that direction. I can drag this out, I can stop now, I can ask for help. What’s inevitable?

But without this thought I might never do anything! Never achieve anything! Never try to get safe or secure! Never keep the eyes on the prize!

Without this thought that I MUST do something, my roof will cave in and the wall will keel over, exposing my kitchen to the outside air.

Really?

You’ve already had the thought that you should do something, though. Maybe for years. Is it working to have it? All that yelling, or reasonable well-meaning encouragement, or instructions to the self….how do you react when you believe these thoughts?

Annoyed, depressed, sad, like a failure. Sometimes, suicidal.

What if you didn’t have that thought that you MUST do something, think differently, change something, move differently, take action?

What if you felt different about the idea of doing it…like it wasn’t a big dang hassle, it’s just an idea?

(I just paused this Grace Note, wrote the email to my good friend who does remodeling stuff on houses to ask about who he knows who is a roofing specialist. Done.)

That’s what happens without the thought. Without the heaviness of should, must, will, have to, ought to, never-let-up, never-forget, push it, oh-what-a-bummer.

Something moves that has nothing to do with should/should not.

“It’s just a thought. What are you without the thought? Nothing. Not vulnerable, not invulnerable.” ~ Adyashanti 

I turn the thought all the way around: I do not have to, there is no must, there is no should, I don’t need, I don’t know, there is no ought. 

If I simply relax, slow it all down, stop doing anything for a minute and follow the simple directions…oh look. Do that next. Call for help. Write an email. Walk over there. Get dressed. Breathe. Be quiet. Go to sleep.

There are simple directions…have you noticed? You can follow them. With ease.

“When you follow the simple way of it, you notice that reality holds all the wisdom you’ll ever need. You don’t need any wisdom of your own. Plans are unnecessary. Reality always shows you what comes next, in a clearer, kinder, more efficient way than you could possibly discover for yourself.” ~ Byron Katie

“I” MUST wake up now, is it true?

Hee hee.

Much love, Grace

 

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Stop It! Just Stop It!

Oh so sweet all the lovely inquirers who came to participate in the teleconference yesterday morning.

For those who missed it but wanted to do your own work and follow along, click here. Please keep this confidential and hold it as the personal and sacred work that it is.

There were so many who listened in (so touching!)….your presence was wonderful, and thank you for coming and questioning your thoughts and being with us as silent participants.

So many people love questioning their beliefs….and it isn’t always easy to understand how to do it.

Recently I worked with someone who was deeply disturbed by the unknown that presented itself when considering question four.

Who would you be without that thought?

Yikes. No idea.

Like on the phone call yesterday….as we looked at the belief“that person should STOP doing what they’re doing.”

Maybe without the thought, if someone were threatening us, we wouldn’t KNOW it….and we’d get badly hurt, we’d be crushed, we’d walk right into dangerous situations, we’d die.

It was late at night several years ago and I was having trouble sleeping.

I had not heard from someone I loved dearly for a long time, despite occasional emails and two long heart-felt phone messages left on her voicemail.

I had asked “Is something wrong? Have I hurt you? I love you, you know….”

Nothing.

I was entirely confused. We were close, we shared intimately. This was one of my best friends. I would scan my mind trying to think about what could have happened.

Time for the work. A perfect thing to do when you can’t sleep.

Is it true that she should stop offering silence, non-communication, emptiness?

Yes. I can feel it. Something changed, something off. I don’t know if it’s me, true….could be something else….but how strange.

I would feel better if there were contact.

Can I absolutely know that to be true? Am I sure? Would I really feel better with contact? Am I sure it’s true that I would be better of if she STOPPED being silent?

No. In fact, I love silence.

I used to be uncomfortable with silence, but now it is so incredible, I almost can’t wait for the next quiet time, the next meditation retreat…I am even thrilled about being in silence without going on retreat.

But with her…would things be better, if only….

No. Can’t know that’s true.

How do I react?

I think, think, wonder, imagine, reach out, ponder.

People have this feeling with someone they are newly interested in sometimes: he should call, she should email, I wish I would run into him right now, she should be here with me….this aloneness should stop.

It doesn’t feel exactly relaxed, you know? It’s slightly edgy, nervous, sad, worried….or aggravating, feeling extremely hurt, knife in the heart.

So who would you be without the thought that he or she should stop that? Stop being silent? Stop interrupting? Stop coming too close? Stop moving too far away? Stop leaving?

“Truth never explains why it’s moving that way at that moment. And if you ask, it won’t give any information. It would be like a leaf asking the wind, “Why are you moving that way right now?” The question doesn’t make any sense to the wind.” ~ Adyashanti 

Without the thought I wait, I move towards, then away, then I rest, I let the wind out of my sail, I stop trying, effort-ing, pushing.

Then one day several weeks later, after that late night doing The Work, I made a discovery and find out something about my good friend, completely by accident, that is absolutely shocking (or seems so) and then I even chuckle because I thought I might know what couldn’t have been known.

And I realize all that is possible is to hold that dear person with the greatest compassion, with all their frightened reactions and mixed up responses and mistaken dramas….

….and I remember this is also me.

I have imagined the worst, made up dramas, reacted with fear, had mixed up responses going on inside MY mind. Imagining “bad” things because of….silence.

The mental process is the same.

“We’re all children when we believe unquestioned nursery-school thoughts. – He’s a bad person, it’s not fair, I need to be punished, I’ll cry to get what I want, I’m a victim, you are my problem.- Have you graduated yet?” ~ Byron Katie

I turn the thought around: I should stop what I’m doing.

Especially when it comes to that friend, to my relationship to the unknown, when it comes to silence and uncertainty and lack of approval or contact from someone….I should stop.

Because it hurts to imagine what THEY are thinking.

“That’s the part very few people come to know: it can stop. The noise, the fear, the confusion, the constant changing of these inner energies–it can all stop….You thought you had to protect yourself, so you grabbed the things that were coming at you and used them to hide……But you can let go of what you’re clinging to and not play this game….It will stop. No more struggling–just peace.” ~ Michael Singer

Stop what I’m doing? Stop this war with that person, and what they’re doing? Let go, and stop clinging to my ideas, my demands, my war with what is?

Yes.

Much love, Grace

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I Give Up

Every so often, I get the urge to close up shop, sell the cottage, and go live in a monastery.

You think I jest!

But no.

There will be a moment of fleeting thoughts, perhaps the to-do list…..

….the roof is leaking, the bed needs to be made, I need to post information about the April Horrible Food Wonderful Food weekend because hardly anyone knows about it yet, I should finalize my 2013 taxes and send them off….

….and then, for no apparent reason except maybe the natural inclination to escape, the thought enters “I give up”.

An idea to bring everything to simplicity. A surrender. The thought to lie down on the floor and do nothing.

Oh dear, though.

Then nothing would be done. And the darkness, or emptiness, or depression, or despair might take over.

The other day I was working with a lovely inquirer who came to this realization….

….”if I don’t have a drive to change, then, I wouldn’t change!”

This is one of my absolute most favorite difficult and troubling concepts to question.

If I love everything the way it is, as it is right now, I won’t TRY to achieve anything. I won’t move, I won’t take action, I won’t want to do anything.

Ever!

Are you sure?

Yes. I dream of lying on the beach all day, doing whatever I want, whenever I want to. I dream of meditating, living in the monastery, being extremely simple, reading books. I dream of staying in bed all day, eating or having sex or sleeping.

Everyone’s got their images of dreamy non-doing.

Are you positive that this is what you’d be doing, this is what you’d follow and how you’d live, if you had no urgency to change, no stress, no upset?

Well. I’m not sure. Personally, my answer is no.

I don’t know if I’d like endless monastery life, I hate staying in bed all day, and the beach is only fun for me if I get in the water, talk, walk or play volleyball, or meditate under the shady umbrella.

How do you react when you believe the thought that you can’t stop feeling stress because your stress motivates you to change?

And of course, you HAVE to change. The current state of affairs sucks, right?

Not enough! Too much!

But who would you be without the thought that you need to change, and you need pain to motivate you to change?

I am not talking about pretending that your state is pure heaven, when it is not.

This is not weird mind-control, affirmation, crazy-ville talk.

But really, when I realize that perhaps not only pain motivates me, but actually support, love, encouragement, silence and relaxation support me…

…I feel relief. I feel excited. I feel much more creative.

I don’t feel physically hopeless.

I notice I have energy, thrill, movement, action arise inside me. I love writing. I love organizing and studying what works for people around healing eating issues. I love dancing.

I only like lying on the floor doing nothing, sometimes.

Without the belief that I absolutely HAVE to change, I might notice that I kind of love the idea of change…and even that I can’t help but change…that it’s not possible to remain stagnant and NOT change.

Without the belief that only pain makes gain (eww) things appear to be very obvious much more quickly. I follow my intuition, I don’t get side-tracked, I remember what the point of All This is, is unknown (to the mind) but I may as well enjoy the ride.

(I love how Adyashanti always says “enjoy yourself”, it makes me chuckle and nod).

Turning the thoughts around, I find I do NOT need to drive change in order to change.

Nothing big and dramatic actually needs to happen…I can notice tiny movements towards honesty. I bring up something I’ve been wanting to speak about to my mate for awhile. I tell my deepest truth to a family member. I ask for help. I pray. I stop hiding anything. I look up at the sky with rain falling down on my cheeks.

I question what I’m thinking.

This organism moves.

“‘My life is over’–ask ‘is it true? Can I absolutely know? How do I react when I believe that? Who would I be, just in this moment, if I didn’t believe it?’ Then turn it around and allow life to show you the new way to move forward, the way that you haven’t seen yet…..When your old plan is gone, your mind immediately fills with new possibilities.” ~ Byron Katie

If you did not HAVE to change, and you relaxed on your urgency to force something to happen….are you sure you would give up, and do nothing…or that nothing would then happen?

“Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it.” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

Wow, now that’s a turnaround.

Yes! I can do this! I give up! All is well!

Much love,

Grace

 

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Skip The Middleman–And Find Happiness NOW

If you are seriously considering joining YOI on Friday, it may be daunting to think of committing to an entire year. You may never have worked with me before, or with a small group on the phone or skype.

You are welcome to try it out guilt-free without feeling you need to commit to the entire year, for the month of March only. Write to me to let me know you’d like to try it for our calls in March, just hit reply. We can have an email chat and I’ll let you know how to enroll for March only if you’re pretty serious about YOI.

*****

When I was first beginning to work with people, I felt nervous, tentative, and a push-pull about working with MORE people.

What I mean by that is, I actually felt uncertain enough about building my practice, and meeting new and completely different individuals all the time, with varying issues, that I sometimes wasn’t sure I wanted more clients.

Kind of funny, right?

Yet I knew to survive financially, at least with the life I had of owning a little cottage, supporting two children, and buying food and gas….

….I would need to receive money for my service of working with others.

Even though I loved working with people without getting paid for it at all. I volunteered on the Help Line, I offered free sessions, I did volunteer workshops for business organizations and non-profits in my community.

But as I continued my work with other human beings, I saw that I had some strange and uncomfortable blocks with money.

So the actual “receiving” part was weird. My fees were super crazy low. I’d feel embarrassed about asking for money at all.

I’ve questioned many stressful thoughts since that time….

….stressful thoughts on money, work, promoting oneself, marketing, selling, giving, receiving, buying, charging.

And my thoughts began to open up to other, very different possibilities.

I began to feel much more creative, confident, and valuable, to both myself and to others.

And as this feeling of value grew from inside….so did my value in the physical world.

Even with thoughts that seemed entirely unrelated to money, as I did The Work, my relationship with Reality and with the whole universe, every day, grew more abundant, safe, gentle and loving.

Not having dread of new things, worry about how something might go, sadness about the way something went…

…there is an open humility and softness that I never before experienced.

In the end I found that thoughts I had about money: getting it, earning it, accumulating it, spending it, saving it, asking for it….

….were surprisingly similar to thoughts I had about love, attention and needs…..

….and these thoughts were surprisingly similar to thoughts I once had about food and eating.

  • I need it
  • I want it
  • I must have it in order to be happy
  • I don’t have it now (so I am unhappy)
  • too little is dangerous
  • too much is dangerous

Always pushing for that perfect balance!

Either there was too little or too much! Where’s the middle ground??! ARRRGGG!!!

Just taking one from this list to inquiry can be super powerful.

So pick your item, any time (it’s like the magic tricks–pick a card, any card…)

Money, Love, Food

What do you need this thing to be “right” for? What would you have, if you had enough of it?

What would you have if you had it squared away? Under control?

Well…I thought you’d never ask….I’d have comfort, peace, relaxation, I’d be attractive, secure and care-free.

Are you sure? Is it true?

YES! I’d stop hunting, seeking and striving for more. I’d quit having to feel empty, insecure.

Are you absolutely sure that’s true? Are you sure you’d be happy? That your problems would be solved….if you had money, love and food-and-eating (or that other addiction) all settled in your life?

No. I’m pretty sure there would be different problems, other things to consider, new situations to face, or handle.

There’s always somethin’!!

How do you react when you believe you need something, want something, must have it, are lacking something, or you need to be careful about having too much or too little?

Oh man. Very, very cautious. Nervous, uncomfortable, lost, sad.

Now here’s the Big Question, the one that sometimes is hard to even “get” at first, when you feel nervous:

Who would you be without the belief that getting more of that thing you identified would be good?

What if you came from another culture where there is no need for money, love, or perfection around food and eating?

Without the belief that I need, I want, I must have, I’m missing….

….suddenly I look around the room, and I feel a surge of excitement.

Can you feel it?

What if you knew this was a game, you were OK, and you had all you needed, in this moment right now?

“Absolute completeness surrounds you wherever you go. So there is really no reason to bother yourself about it, except for the fact that we humans have long ago deceived ourselves into such a confined tangle of confusion and disarray that we scarcely even consider, much less experience for ourselves, the divinity within and all around us.” ~ Adyashanti 

You really do have to imagine this for yourself.

All I know is, I can see how every single time in my life I thought all was lost, and I didn’t have enough, or I thought I wouldn’t make it…

…it was OK.

I turn the thoughts around:

  • I do not need it, I already have it or have access to it
  • I do not want it…I want peace…and I already can have peace in this situation
  • I must NOT have it in order to be happy…I’m being invited to something else, something different, something new, something yet unknown
  • I don’t have it now (so I am happy)…could I find happiness for anything right here in this moment? Yes!
  • there is no danger—WOAH! Amazing.
“I have an expression: skip the middleman. And be happy from here.” ~ Byron Katie

 

If you notice you are stuck on some either big or small thoughts about what you might need, or be missing, that you’re SURE would make you happy (and where you are now is unhappy) then try doing The Work.

If it’s hard to “get” or understand, and you’ve tried before but it feels like it’s not sinking in…join Year of Inquiry starting Friday.

Every month we change topics, and we’ll cover Money, the Body, Relationships (love) and many others during our time together.

Much love,

Grace

 

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Who Would You Be Without Your Scary Story?

The mind is so active, quick, busy, full and engrossed with itself….you’re probably sayin’ “I know! Tell me about it!”

When something troubling happens, mental activity appears to kick in even more than usual: thoughts, images, voices, pictures, planning, suggestions, internal movies.

There’s a Problem.

The mind will go after that problem with a vengeance.

One thing I love about The Work is that when there is a flair-up of excitement, worry or adrenaline….there is something to “do” with the feelings and thoughts that occupies the busy mind.

When something difficult happens in life, often there is a core underlying shout, a belief, that appears.

Maybe it’s not so obvious, but if you ask yourself about a really sad, scary or irritating situation you’ve experienced, then you may find that you really believe one of these thoughts is true:

  • there’s something wrong!
  • I need to change!
  • this is terrible!
  • I can’t live with this feeling!
  • I have to know what to do!
  • I’m not safe!
  • I’m not enough (so I need support, love, money, etc)

When there is a really deep painful belief like one of these coming up, and felt very profoundly inside of you, you may not be able to sleep, sit still, work, talk to friends, stop talking to friends, relax.

You may feel overwhelming urges to avoid thinking about this troubling event by eating, drinking, smoking, watching television, or obsessing about a new relationship.

But like I said, I do like The Work for investigating very deep unsettling beliefs, because I can follow the steps, one-by-one, slowly, and using my imagination to expand my viewpoint.

You get to take this simple action….The Work….and examine your idea that feels so very true.

This situation is terrible, and I need to fix it and know what to do.  

NOW.  

Is that true?

Yes! I’m making check lists, I’m writing out plans, I’m making phone calls, I’m compulsively moving, going, busy, anxious.

Stop.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that this situation is terrible, that I am not happy at all, that I can’t live this way, that I’m not safe?

In the most basic sense, No. I am breathing, living, I am loved, this appears to be part of the human condition (it’s happened to plenty of others).

No. Even if I have no idea what to do, I’m here, now, alive.

How do I react when I believe these core underlying disturbing beliefs?

Like I’m on a racetrack, running…or angry, furious…or very sad, despairing and tearful.

Now here’s the Great Leap to Question Four: Who would I be without these underlying thoughts? If I couldn’t believe them to be true? If they were just not so dang serious?

Who would I be if these thoughts were NOT TRUE?

One thing I say over and over to my clients, that works so well for me, is imagining being a tree.

Trees grow, in just the right amount at just the right time and they do not believe they are doing it wrong, or that they are in danger, even if someone comes along and chops them down.

They are not busy planning how to fix a situation, manipulate, control, change or switch routines.

“Watch any plant or animal and let it teach you acceptance of what is, surrender to the Now. Let it teach you Being. Let it teach you integrity – which means to be one, to be yourself, to be real. Let it teach you how to live and how to die, and how not to make living and dying into a problem.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Even if it feels crazy at the moment…simply consider who you would be without these beliefs that something terrible has happened.

Just the act of entering this imagination, you may notice, changes something ever so slightly within.

Byron Katie suggests that The Work is meditation. It is a waiting, slowing down, stopping, contemplating.

Holding still at some inner place…..even if you are going to the market, preparing your kids’ school lunch, cleaning out the garage, applying for jobs, answering the phone.

Who would you be without that story?

Only 3 days more to sign up for YOI, Year Of Inquiry. If you’d like support with entering the quiet of simply questioning your thoughts, supported by others, then write me at grace@workwithgrace.com.

Much love, Grace

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I Look Forward To WHAT??!!

Did you notice this week that there were a bunch of days when I did not send out a Grace Note at 5:30 am Pacific time, my usual?

Eeek! I was behind! I was sleeping!

And now, today, apparently…I’m back “On Schedule”.

Ha Ha! As if there is a schedule, that I would know.

Imagining what will happen in the future is a very itchy thought at times. Seeing it go like this, like that, and not wanting it to go like that other less acceptable way.

Or that other terrible, horrifying way.

In the process of doing The Work, the first worksheet for catching stressful thoughts on paper is called the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

As you already know, it’s for filling out all the mean, vile, nasty, vicious, childish, petty thoughts you have about someone or something unpleasant….or awful….in your life.

The very last question on that worksheet is to think about, when remembering a troubling situation that has occurred, what you never want to have happen again, ever, when it comes to encountering that person, or repeating that situation.

It points to the idea that it’s very natural that when a human being gets into a rough situation, they not only wish that it happened in the first place, but also decide thereafter to never let it happen again, if at all possible.

NEVER AGAIN!

I noticed I had this thought, only very mildly without much stress at all, about being “behind” on Grace Notes.

I won’t let that happen another day! I’ll write two in one day! I like staying on plan!

What about bigger worries or risks, though?

  • I don’t ever want to get divorced again
  • I don’t ever want to lose all my money again
  • I don’t ever want to get cancer again
  • I don’t ever want to be betrayed again
  • I don’t ever want to hurt someone again

When looking at the concepts deeply believed on any of our Judge Your Neighbor worksheets, where we got nuts and write them all down, the final step is considering the turnarounds.

You think about the reverse, the opposite, of your belief.

It’s not because you’re a crazy person, it’s because it’s a profound exercise in imagination.

In this present moment, instead of bolstering myself against something terrible happening….instead of keeping myself safe, comfortable, and hidden inside my house….instead of being as small as possible or as careful as possible (very stressful)…

….what if I actually became OPEN, willing, excited, or looking forward to encountering that again?

It doesn’t mean you ARE going to experience it again, it’s a shift inside your body right now, in this present moment.

It’s total and complete surrender, giving up control. Can you imagine the thrill of that?

This may seem really weird, and its simplest if you look at other concepts you have about troubling situations or people one-by-one, before you get to this imagination exercise…

…but wow, what an incredible feeling to let go in the middle of that painful memory:

  • I am willing to get divorced again, I look forward to it
  • I am willing to lose all my money again, I look forward to it
  • I am willing to get cancer again, I look forward to it
  • I am willing to be betrayed again, I look forward to it
  • I am willing to hurt someone again, I look forward to it

Who would you be without the story that you have to make sure to be careful about the future? Who would you be without the thought that you need to follow the plan and keep the schedule?

Perhaps you may notice that you have much less power than you thought, actually. Much less control.

Can you be OK without running things? Without knowing what’s next? With knowing you can’t be the ruler of the universe and dictate what should or should not repeat itself?

Could there be any advantages (it doesn’t mean you are sadistic or masochistic or twisted) to that difficult situation you went through? Did anything come out of it that made you stronger, more actualized, more loving, more mature?

Why, um, yes. 

After my divorce, I discovered an inner mate that would never go away, and had never gone away the whole time. I found out I didn’t really need anybody…and a fabulously new and different kind of man happened to come along who is perfect for me (and it would be OK to have no man in my life as well, seriously).

After I lost all my money, I found a center of passion to get what I needed like never before in my entire previous life.

After my cancer I discovered the extent of friendship, love, connection from unexpected places….and temporary-ness of this life and realization that heaven could be present, even during cancer, and that dying will be an adventure.

After someone betrayed me I stood up for myself and stood up for the truth in a way that taught me to trust myself and feel the depth of my own confidence like never before.

After I hurt someone I learned about the resilience of others, how good it is to tell every iota of truth, relax, feel loved, love instead of hate myself, be tender, open and real.

“If this were your only path to God, would you take it away?” ~ Byron Katie

Without a sense of dread for the future, even being open a tiny little bit that there could be possibility, creativity, wonder, and peace, even with all you’ve been through…

…who would you be right now, in this moment? 

“Not-knowing is true knowledge. Presuming to know is a disease. First realize that you are sick; then you can move toward health. The Master is her own physician. She has healed herself of all knowing. Thus she is truly whole.” ~ Tao Te Ching  #71  

If you find it tricky to question your story, or you have a LOT of them to look forward to repeating…and you need some support in staying in this process of looking and opening to the unknown, then maybe Year Of Inquiry would be perfect for you!

Write me at grace@workwithgrace.com if you want to talk about it.

Much love, Grace

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The Delusion of Being In Charge

Only 10 days until YOI Year of Inquiry JOY. Read the details HERE.

Quite some time ago I either read or heard somewhere the story of the little sailboat that represents one’s own life trajectory. You may have heard this same little metaphor….

If you were a little boat sailing across the wide expanse of life, the huge open ocean, every little tiny choice or movement, during any single day, points your sailboat in a certain direction.

In a journey across the open sea, the captain, or the person at the helm, would be doing all that was necessary to stay on course.

You know where you’re going. You’re on the way. All your gizmos and gadgets are pointed to THAT country…the one you think you’re aiming for.

The story told is that your wee boat, even if it changes course one-half of one degree, will wind up in another country altogether.

The shift of one-half of one degree is imperceptible today. The boat looks like it’s in the water, pointed in the same direction, with no apparent change.

But over time, if there is a new ever so slight new course taken….

….one enters different territory.

Now, the way I like this story, that feels very positive and fun, is that there needs to be no massive “change” right now to wind up somewhere completely different.

No gigantic shift, no nervous breakdown, no wild shift of consciousness, no completely mind-bending mind-altering state, no lottery winning, no explosion of awareness, no stunning awakening, no tragedies (unless there are).

No.

Just a little tiny butterfly flutter of something…different.

For me, The Work has more often been like this than like some dramatic change.

The first question alone…Is It True?….is pause for a deep breath.

Could what I am believing, in this moment, be false? If I think it’s true, am I sure? Am I completely positive that in that past uncomfortable situation, I wasn’t safe, it should have gone differently, or that it went horribly for me?

Was I actually a victim of unfortunate circumstances?

And what is happening now, in this moment? Am I OK? Is peace possible, with what is going on? Is love present, even if things seem pretty rough?

Has this happened to others in the human race, and they made it through?

Because here’s my reality of loss: my father died fairly young of leukemia, my marriage fell apart, I lost my beautiful house and all my savings and money, I got a cancerous tumor on my right leg (that bloody right leg), a dear friend made a shocking false accusation, I was bulimic long ago and suicidal, I lied to one of my favorite people in the world, I was too insecure to go to medical school.

In every single one of those instances….and many more that I didn’t even list….I carried on.

I’m still here. Right?

The world is a dangerous place, bad things happen, suffering occurs….is it true?

YES. It’s TRUE! I have suffered! Other people suffer! Awful things happen! Its an unfriendly universe!

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that I have 100% suffered? Or is it my mind that has suffered? Am I certain that I am a victim, caught in a ridiculous chaotic tragedy?

Could there be another possibility? Could reality be friendly?

I am not saying to think positively or fakey fake smiles. This is not a Lets-See-The-Bright-Side exercise.

In those dreadful situations, it appears that great loss happened.

But honestly, I am not absolutely fundamentally sure that there isn’t something more, something different than the usual way I’ve looked at All This. Or something less. Or something beyond my usual conditioned way of looking.

I can’t be 100% sure. Even if I think I’m sure, in one more moment, things could change.

Who would you be without the thought that your come-to-Jesus moment, as they say, is a horrendous, good-for-nothing moment, that there is no peace possible when something difficult happens?

“Thought tells us who we are; what we believe; what is right and wrong; what we should feel; what is true and what is false; and how we fit into this event called “life.” We literally create ourselves and our lives out of thought. Further, we associate the end of thought with sleep, unconsciousness, or death. It is this very personal relationship with thought that is the cause of all the fear, ignorance, and suffering which characterizes the human condition, and which destroys the manifestation of true Love in this life.” ~ Adyashanti 

All I know is that right now, in this present moment, without the belief that all those bad things MEAN that life sucks and is filled with suffering….

….I notice I am in a room, sitting on a small white leather couch in my cute little cottage, feeling my body relax and touch the air and space around it.

I think of upcoming events with relaxation, gentleness, joy, excitement.

I see that when I was lying in bed after my cancer surgery, (and my more recent surgery), and sitting on a chair during my divorce process, and sleeping horribly when my dad was dying, and feeling sick to my stomach when I sold my former house, and having to give away or sell every piece of furniture, and having nothing left but $10 in my bank account….

….and I realize that the next day, the sun came up (OK sort of, I live in Seattle) and an infinite number of things happened just beyond my awareness.

Just past the thoughts.

There was open ocean out there, but I didn’t need to see it, until I did.

I didn’t even need to know it was there. It was.

“It doesn’t matter what symbols we use – poverty, loneliness, loss – it’s the concepts of good and bad that we attach to them that make us suffer…..People who know there’s no hope are free; decisions are out of their hands. It has always been that way, but some people have to die bodily to find out. No wonder they smile on their death beds. Dying is everything they were looking for in life: they’ve given up the delusion of being in charge. When there’s no choice, there’s no fear.” ~ Byron Katie

Could everything I ever wanted be here now, in this moment?

Kindness, peace, love, rest, surrender, freedom.

I know The Work brings this state of mind (or lack of mind) to my experience over and over again.

And now, wherever this little sailboat is headed, it’s gonna be good.

Because NOW is good.

If you’d like something to DO with those troubling stressful, disturbing thoughts, and the power you may tend to give your thinking….then come join YOI. It starts March 7th.

Much love,

Grace

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Is The Universe Giving You What You Need?

Yesterday was my first day back on the dance floor since my leg got sewn back together!

Oh the joy, the beauty, the people, the music, the movement, the fun of dancing!!

But I have a big confession to make.

Last year when I was inspired to begin this fun Saturday morning open free-form dance with my husband….

….in my head was a picture of a whole room full of awesome people dancing together, sweatin’, singing, being themselves no matter what age or ability.

We had called tons of studios, big room, or spaces where people could easily dance.

Over and over the same question: Are you available Saturday mornings?

Hardly ever available. Aerobics classes, Nia classes, kung fu, tai chi, lessons, groups, salsa. No, we only do our own classes, no we don’t rent space on Saturdays, no we don’t know anywhere else you could try.

Rats.

And then…it turned out because of cuts in city funding, a city community center that was normally never open on Saturdays WOULD be available for a pretty high fee. Like the highest fee of anyplace we had ever called.

Ok. What the heck. Let’s do it. We need 20 people to break even. No problem.

I really thought, absolutely no problem. There will probably be 30 people there, maybe even 40 or 50, on the first day.

It was a winter, drizzly, cold, early February Saturday morning. A good day to dance!

After several visits to the community center dance hall to scope it all out, gather our sound equipment and music together, get dance cards made, set up the room, and sign rental agreements…..my husband and I returned with anticipation, excitement and a little adrenaline in our hearts.

Finally! Our first free-form dance, open to everyone! Soooooo exciting!!

Everything was ready. Doors opened at 10 am!

The clock ticked past 10:15 am.

No one.

I began to get a fearful sensation in my stomach. 10:20 am.

No one.

OMG. This is like having a party, inviting friends, and no one showing up. A worst nightmare. Like a high school movie. The geek has a birthday party and no one comes.

This is sad.

My heart was sinking. My mind started racing.

Oh so, so wonderful to have The Work. To notice when stress, fear, pain, anxiety, discomfort of any kind presented itself within me…and know what to do with it.

Feel it.

Ask it what it thinks is true….that is NOT really in truly true?

  • we are losers
  • we screwed up
  • we thought people wanted to dance with us, but they don’t
  • we’ve made a mistake
  • this is terrible, a disaster
  • this is embarrassing
  • I can’t dance today after all

Then a good friend appeared. ONE good friend. She was here to help. (Although there was no one to help, no lines, no crowds, no people pouring in–ha ha).

Then another good friend appeared who had promised to come.

Are you serious? I think I’m going to throw up. 

10:25, past time to start the music.

My very optimistic and happy husband, who seemed to not be worried about this situation whatsoever, started our music set, right at about the same time as two more people came.

We all began to dance. All six of us.

And the work was starting to work itself in me. I could see the part of me that was five years old flailing on the floor with disappointment.

Two more people showed up…but that was the Grand Total for the morning.

Is it true? Is it true? Are you sure this is a terrible disastrous event, worthy of embarrassment? Are you sure you can’t feel the inspiration to dance?

No. I’m dancing right now. I’m moving. If I were alone in my living room, this is how I would move….and I love this movement.

Is it true that we are losers, that no one wants to be with us, that this means that we made a mistake, that we are ashamed?

No. I can’t know that any of that is true.

Do we need other people to be here to have fun? Does anyone need any other person with them to express joy? Do any of us need a companion, of any kind, in order to be happy?

No. Wow. No.

Who would I be without the thought that 20 or more people should be here? That since they are not here, this is shameful, uncomfortable, difficult, or something wrong with me?

Dancing. Noticing how much I love the space, the trees through the gigantic window, the music.

Everything on its own trajectory, its own timing.

I need a crowd, is it true? No.

I turn the thoughts around, in the middle of dancing:

  • we are winners
  • we did it beautifully, perfectly for this moment
  • we thought people wanted to dance with us, and they do
  • we’ve made a correction
  • this is wonderful, a miracle
  • this is a blessing, good fortune, something to be proud of
  • I can dance!

I suddenly realized that this moment was just like being single and stood up on a date….if I could enjoy being there all by myself, with deep joy….I would never “need” a partner again.

What a relief.

Whomever showed up would be like icing on the cake.

Ahhhhh, a powerful lesson. A test of faith.

I couldn’t have paid for a workshop or personal coaching or business coaching or accessed connection to leadership, power, and unconditional love for this moment in any better way.

I had to see it for myself, I had to feel the dance right here, with these six people who came (plus husband). I was not alone, I was not in need, I did not have to hide, I was making a correction in what I thought was necessary to be happy.

Holy Smokes!

“When all struggle ceases, there is nothing to bind us to a distorted perception of existence and we can finally see. What we see is that we do not simply exist within existence, but all of existence exists within us as well. And although everywhere we look we see the endless diversity of life, we also now see our own true face in everything under the sun.” ~ Adyashanti

 Yesterday, a year later, 26 people came to our Saturday morning dance. Just the right amount. No more, no less. Just the perfect combination of people. More and more every week over time. More and more, steady, showing up, celebrating, expressing.

“Imagine….no one shows up…look around the room. It’s empty…You like silence. You have time out of your schedule to sit, be still, and do your own work. You could probably use some time, right? Look around that room, are you OK? You’re the one that matters…YOU’RE the one…..The universe will give you what you need against your best thought.” ~ Byron Katie

Without any stressful thoughts….all that can be said, is thank you, thank you. How absolutely amazing.

And the exciting vision of 50 people dancing together on a rainy Saturday morning—still here!

Much love,

Grace