Did you notice this week that there were a bunch of days when I did not send out a Grace Note at 5:30 am Pacific time, my usual?
Eeek! I was behind! I was sleeping!
And now, today, apparently…I’m back “On Schedule”.
Ha Ha! As if there is a schedule, that I would know.
Imagining what will happen in the future is a very itchy thought at times. Seeing it go like this, like that, and not wanting it to go like that other less acceptable way.
Or that other terrible, horrifying way.
In the process of doing The Work, the first worksheet for catching stressful thoughts on paper is called the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.
As you already know, it’s for filling out all the mean, vile, nasty, vicious, childish, petty thoughts you have about someone or something unpleasant….or awful….in your life.
The very last question on that worksheet is to think about, when remembering a troubling situation that has occurred, what you never want to have happen again, ever, when it comes to encountering that person, or repeating that situation.
It points to the idea that it’s very natural that when a human being gets into a rough situation, they not only wish that it happened in the first place, but also decide thereafter to never let it happen again, if at all possible.
NEVER AGAIN!
I noticed I had this thought, only very mildly without much stress at all, about being “behind” on Grace Notes.
I won’t let that happen another day! I’ll write two in one day! I like staying on plan!
What about bigger worries or risks, though?
- I don’t ever want to get divorced again
- I don’t ever want to lose all my money again
- I don’t ever want to get cancer again
- I don’t ever want to be betrayed again
- I don’t ever want to hurt someone again
When looking at the concepts deeply believed on any of our Judge Your Neighbor worksheets, where we got nuts and write them all down, the final step is considering the turnarounds.
You think about the reverse, the opposite, of your belief.
It’s not because you’re a crazy person, it’s because it’s a profound exercise in imagination.
In this present moment, instead of bolstering myself against something terrible happening….instead of keeping myself safe, comfortable, and hidden inside my house….instead of being as small as possible or as careful as possible (very stressful)…
….what if I actually became OPEN, willing, excited, or looking forward to encountering that again?
It doesn’t mean you ARE going to experience it again, it’s a shift inside your body right now, in this present moment.
It’s total and complete surrender, giving up control. Can you imagine the thrill of that?
This may seem really weird, and its simplest if you look at other concepts you have about troubling situations or people one-by-one, before you get to this imagination exercise…
…but wow, what an incredible feeling to let go in the middle of that painful memory:
- I am willing to get divorced again, I look forward to it
- I am willing to lose all my money again, I look forward to it
- I am willing to get cancer again, I look forward to it
- I am willing to be betrayed again, I look forward to it
- I am willing to hurt someone again, I look forward to it
Who would you be without the story that you have to make sure to be careful about the future? Who would you be without the thought that you need to follow the plan and keep the schedule?
Perhaps you may notice that you have much less power than you thought, actually. Much less control.
Can you be OK without running things? Without knowing what’s next? With knowing you can’t be the ruler of the universe and dictate what should or should not repeat itself?
Could there be any advantages (it doesn’t mean you are sadistic or masochistic or twisted) to that difficult situation you went through? Did anything come out of it that made you stronger, more actualized, more loving, more mature?
Why, um, yes.
After my divorce, I discovered an inner mate that would never go away, and had never gone away the whole time. I found out I didn’t really need anybody…and a fabulously new and different kind of man happened to come along who is perfect for me (and it would be OK to have no man in my life as well, seriously).
After I lost all my money, I found a center of passion to get what I needed like never before in my entire previous life.
After my cancer I discovered the extent of friendship, love, connection from unexpected places….and temporary-ness of this life and realization that heaven could be present, even during cancer, and that dying will be an adventure.
After someone betrayed me I stood up for myself and stood up for the truth in a way that taught me to trust myself and feel the depth of my own confidence like never before.
After I hurt someone I learned about the resilience of others, how good it is to tell every iota of truth, relax, feel loved, love instead of hate myself, be tender, open and real.
“If this were your only path to God, would you take it away?” ~ Byron Katie
Without a sense of dread for the future, even being open a tiny little bit that there could be possibility, creativity, wonder, and peace, even with all you’ve been through…
…who would you be right now, in this moment?
“Not-knowing is true knowledge. Presuming to know is a disease. First realize that you are sick; then you can move toward health. The Master is her own physician. She has healed herself of all knowing. Thus she is truly whole.” ~ Tao Te Ching #71
If you find it tricky to question your story, or you have a LOT of them to look forward to repeating…and you need some support in staying in this process of looking and opening to the unknown, then maybe Year Of Inquiry would be perfect for you!
Write me at grace@workwithgrace.com if you want to talk about it.
Much love, Grace