Saying No to people can be strangely uncomfortable, even for bold, verbal, articulate folks…..who don’t even appear shy.
Someone calls, or looks at you with big sweet crocodile tears….I’m so sad. I can’t take it anymore. I wish I were dead.
If your kid said this, most moms would feel the energy practically spring out of the heart towards the one suffering.
My baby!
Sometimes this movement goes towards anyone who appears to be suffering profoundly.
The underlying assumptions and beliefs get churned up in less than two seconds…..and they might be troubling.
In which case, soooooo good for self-inquiry.
- this is terrible
- their suffering must be stopped
- I need to help them
- if I say No or move away they will suffer worse
- Helping means I say Yes, I listen, I stay with them
All in a flash of two seconds, without questioning these troubling beliefs, there is suddenly no choice, a loss of clarity, fear, anddishonesty.
Dishonesty? But!
I am such a good, kind, genuine person. This has nothing to do with being dishonest!
Does it?
Let’s take a look.
How do you react when you believe these thoughts that the person before you is in terrible need, you are the one to help them end their suffering (since they asked you, since you’re here), or you could be responsible for them feeling worse?
How do you react when you’re sure saying No won’t go over well? When you’re afraid of disappointing someone? Or making them mad?
Or sending them over the precipice?
Yikes. I’m very, very careful.
Many years ago, I was madly in love with a brooding and very funny handsome European. A crush.
He told me he was kinda schitz. Very happy, then very depressive. A musician (of course). Edgy, dark. Trying to quit smoking Gitannes.
We had long conversations into the night. Who cares about getting sleep (as I watched the clock tick by…midnight, then 12:20 am, oh now it’s 1:11 am, rats I’ll be so tired tomorrow).
The thing is, if I were truly honest, I would say “I seem to be very interested in you and your fascinating story, and, I am going to sleep now. I hope we get to talk again soon.”
But there was a clinging, grabbing sense of risk about revealing the overriding desire to go to sleep. A risk if I hung up.
He began revealing the dark inner recesses of the hellish world he sometimes occupied. His painful secrets. His addictive story. Abuse.
Oh yeah. This is serious! I can help! I’ve felt bad before, too!
No more choice in the dynamic. I’m believing he needs help, and I am the one to do it. I am believing that my need for sleep is sort of…stupid.
Considering the comparison.
Who would I be without the thought that there is a desperate problem happening? Without the thought that suicide is bad? Without the thought that someone crying and feeling pain must be soothed?
Without the thought that I have to help?
I would be free to relax, slow down, trust the world, not think I am the all-important solution.
I would be free to be a regular, mediocre, balanced person who sleeps at night, if that’s what I notice I like to do.
I would be free to say No peacefully, with loving kindness. No need to explain, give excuses, feel guilty, worry, give advice.
I could trust the inner voice that says “maybe later” or “not now” or “I don’t know”.
I turn the thoughts around:
- this is not terrible
- their suffering must continue, my suffering must stop
- I do NOT need to help them, I need to help myself
- if I say No or move away they will suffer less, if I say No I will suffer worse (my real fear)
- Helping means I say No, I listen to my inner voice, I stay away from them
I realize that every person, including this one who appears unhappy in this moment, is simply expressing. Being themselves. Asking.
I don’t have to have a heart attack. They are allowed to ask. Who made me the boss of the universe, thinking they shouldn’t?
And whose suffering do I have control over? Only my own. And I’m not even doing a great job at that, in the moment that I’m suffering because they are suffering.
“Do you feel their pain? Or are you projecting what they probably feel like? How can you feel another person’s pain? No one has ever felt another person’s pain! We imagine what their pain is like and we feel what we’re imagining! You’re creating your own pain…..’I feel their pain’—pure ego. It’s disrespectful to believe that I can. It’s separating, it doesn’t connect.” ~ Byron Katie
If I truly do not believe that they should not be suffering, I am free to feel joy, laughter, quiet, silence, care, kindness and peace in the presence of their pain.
In the presence of absolutely anything.
Who would I be without this story?
A well-rested, honest person.
Willing to help if that’s the truth. My honest No could be a big help, just as much as my honest Yes.
“The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance of your partner as he or she is, without needing to judge or change them in any way. That immediately takes you beyond ego. All mind games and all addictive clinging are then over….This is also the end of all codependency, of being drawn into somebody else’s unconscious pattern and thereby enabling it to continue.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
With love,
Grace