Doing The Work together with friends….can bring closeness, clarity, support. If you don’t do it on your own, try it with others!
Yesterday I gathered up my black briefcase, with five clipboards, pens and a stack of Judge Your Neighbor worksheets, turned on my Waze map app, and ventured off to a beautiful house overlooking the water and the Seattle sky line.
Usually when someone hires me to come work with a small group, it’s their employees, their non-profit organization, their work team.
It’s about leadership and growth, numbers, success, and communication improvement (so they think…although it is indeed all these things, but oh so much more).
But this group was simply a friend, inviting 3 other friends over, to be introduced and to “do” The Work in a little mini retreat of 3 hours. We were all offered cinnamon tea and roasted cashews.
We sat around a sweet dining table with Judge Your Neighbor worksheets, and each woman got to read her worksheet and work a concept from the sheet.
There was such a kind, supportive, loving sense of sharing in the group.
Normally, when doing The Work, it’s important not to share a long story, explain or justify, offer suggestions to someone else’s work or problem, brainstorm someone else’s dilemma. We even have training in The Work to listen to yourself facilitate on recording, listen to your own “hmmmm” sounds, or laughter, or unimportant words.
General overall feel: allow the one investigating to go deep, to follow their own process. There is no agenda.
I started off the little gathering speaking to this, and also mentioning the urge sometimes to tell your story with great detail. I usually say something about how to hold this work–with a lot of silence, consideration, not rushing in to sort out the identified problem.
But these women knew one another very well, and they were such a beautiful delight.
They wanted to help each other out.
Something in me knew to relax around their joy of giving feedback, reflection, asking questions, and watching creative ideas flow as these brave individuals did their work and wondered about their turnaround examples.
Someone shared the wisdom of her long-gone mother-in-law as an example of a person who lives the turnaround “there is nothing wrong with you”. Everyone benefitted by hearing about this unnamed elder who was so accepting of her children, and grandchildren, during her life.
Interesting to sit with this thing, called The Work, and watch the mind have it’s commentary: No one should tell their story, explain in too much detail their situation, give advice, suggest turnarounds, share their opinion.
An inquirer who is planning her own mini retreat in fact wrote to me recently requesting I don’t bring any agenda to her animal rights work. She wanted no convincing, and for me not to have an alternate opinion.
This is profoundly important with The Work. To understand there is no “right” way or “wrong” way….but nevertheless to have a very open mind, whether facilitator or the one inquiring (and the facilitator is actually also an inquirer, honestly).
So I noticed in this little lovely mini retreat with friends who knew one another well, the experience was just right. Not too hot, not too cold.
Is it true there should never be conversation, suggestions, help offered, new ideas, or someone telling quite a few details of their situation?
No.
Who would I be without this story of The Way To Do The Work?
Delighted with time spent with people who are my teachers, these newcomers to The Work.
Humble. Noticing I interrupted and brought people back into the process, and everyone got a turn, and joyful ah-ha’s were expressed, and now….
….The Work continues inside of me.
Trusting that the Universe and Reality have got this, and if I’m a part of the help, hooray, and how could I or anyone not be?
“I can’t find anything outside the brilliance. It’s everywhere, and it’s always gone, even before it happens. It’s how form appears to take place….You see that all stressful thoughts are already gone, you realize that there’s no substance to them, and you feel intense delight.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy page 131
Slow down. Let your feelings show you your stressful thoughts. Do The Work….Ahhhhh.
From time to time, someone I do The Work with says something like this:
“I don’t know what I’m thinking. I just feel awful. I wake up anxious. I overeat. I drink. I smoke. I have a dull job. I’m not sure what I’m doing in my life….How do I do The Work on all this?”
LOL. (Kind of. I know it’s not that funny when you’re in it).
I love how the mind looks at “all this” (your entire life) and keeps things foggy, uncertain, unclear. Awareness is in a holding pattern of…..“I have no idea what’s going on, I just feel bad. Gosh.”
One thing that can help if you’ve had this overwhelmed uncomfortable feeling, is to first, focus on one troubled feeling at a time.
For example, if someone says they feel anxious (I can relate as a former anxiety junkie) I might ask “What does that feeling look like? What color is it? Where does it land in the body? What’s the temperature? What’s the texture?”
As the person focuses on the feeling, they’re turning towards it, not away.
If they feel MORE anxious for a moment, and they start to feel pretty nervous, I might do The Work with them first on the belief “I am not safe.” Or “Feeling this isn’t safe.”
Is it true?
No.
Who would you be without this story you aren’t safe right now, feeling this feeling?
What’s the turnaround?
I am safe. Feeling this is safe.
And now….noticing you’re safe, if your feeling could speak, if you let it bring you the message it wants you to know, if you considered this feeling a gift rather than an enemy you need to get rid of….
….what does it have to say?
Sometimes, the awareness is instantly far more lazer sharp.
The other day, I watched my own mind follow this very inquiry, landing on the stressful belief.
My teenager daughter, off at college, is far less communicative than I anticipated. She rarely calls, she hardly ever texts, and I’m so curious about her daily life, her classes, her friends, who she’s meeting, what she’s learning, what she’s thinking about.
I have to wait, though.
Until a weekend break, or whenever she returns home.
I love her so much, and miss talking with her. I’m also awed by her independence and feisty strength. She’s not clingy, not needy, and has no desire for my opinion or consult. For now, this seems incredibly healthy and beautiful.
So the other night, I look at my phone before going to bed and realize this daughter, such a wonderful curiosity, called 45 minutes earlier.
Wow!
Even though it’s late and I was about to turn out the lights, I immediately return the call. (She naturally didn’t leave any message).
“Oh hi mom! I’m five minutes from home, just about to get off the bus!”
REALLY?!
She walks into the cottage moments later and I am so, so happy to see her. Big embrace. She’s doing a homework project, and since it’s a long weekend (Monday is a holiday) she’s home for 2 nights
Then, I say I don’t get why she didn’t let us know she was coming?
Her: I did let you know, jeez, I told you about this weeks ago!
Me: But I never knew you had actually decided to come, I had no idea. Plus I thought you said you were sick?
Her: Being sick has nothing to do with Not Coming, I only have a cold. I can’t believe you didn’t realize this, I told you I was coming, like, ten times.
Me: I didn’t know! You should communicate more clearly!
Her: I did!
Me: You didn’t!
(Variations on the theme You Did and You Didn’t ensue).
My daughter and I eventually go through texts on both our phones, and discover she never received a few important texts from me, and I thought her replies back were matching other completely different questions, and the whole misunderstanding and confusion was based on text and cell phone tech failure.
It’s like the Who’s On First Routine.
So we laugh, and embrace again and agree it’s late and time for sleep.
Especially because her step-dad and I are leaving in the morning at 6:30 am for an overnight in Canada, just over the border.
As we load our little carry-on bags into our car in the beautiful early morning, I’m aware my daughter is sleeping soundly in her bed.
She’s home.
And we are leaving.
How did this happen? If I had known, I would have stayed in town. Rats.
Anxious flutter. Images of her being alone all weekend in the house going here and there and me not getting to cross paths with her, see her, listen to her. I think about how beautiful she looked, coming into the house with her gorgeous dark brown hair and grey blue eyes, grey tights, cute polka dot skirt and black jacket.
On the car ride to the pier where we’re catching an early boat, I feel jumpy. We shouldn’t be going. I don’t care about this trip. I get seasick. This won’t be fun. I need a massage, not a holiday. There are too many people in this line (the boat is sold out). I can’t meditate. Complaining.
But then rather than skipping around to generalized complaint mode, finding something wrong with the moment and my feelings in addition to whatever else is in the environment, I stay with the feeling that’s anxious.
And then….the true stressful belief appears….*ping*:
I need more time with my daughter.
People think this all the time in a very deep and troubling way with someone who is dying, or a break-up, or when saying goodbye for a long period of time.
I need more time with them than I’m getting.
So let’s do The Work!
I need more time with her, Is that true?
Yes! So true! I can’t BELIEVE I’m traveling AWAY from her when I want to get to know her more and….
Stop. It’s a simple question. Can you KNOW this is absolutely true that you need more time with anyone?
No.
How do you react when you believe you need more time with her?
Choked up. Sad. Longing. Images of the future. Images of the past. Melancholy. I feel like turning around and to hell with the money my sweet husband spent to surprise me with two days away.
As I’m seeing the present moment, the gorgeous high cliffs of islands, the Puget Sound, the misty rain, the white choppy waves, the magnificence of where I am located….I dismiss it. I think Somewhere Else is better (at home with daughter).
So who would I be without this very stressful thought that being somewhere else is better than where I am, and I need more time over there?
Who would I be without the belief someone else’s company, another location, a different experience, more time with a person who is not here physically….is required for my happiness?
Woah.
Laughing. Laughing at the absurdity of it all. As if my thoughts had control of the universe. Noticing that with the thought, I’m missing the beauty of this location (except fortunately, not really).
Without the belief I need more time with someone else, I feel the glory of being alive and having eyes, ears, fingers, breath. I remember my father, who died quite young it seemed, and how doing The Work on his absence gave me the incredible gift of having him here in my heart at all times, and no dad to miss.
Without the thought that I need more time with my daughter, I simply sit here, noticing I adore her.
Turning the thought around:
I do not need more time with her.
She needs to spend more time with me.
I need more time with myself.
I need more time with what I’m spending time with (look around).
I don’t need more time with her, because I’m aware that even if she’s home, she has mega plans with other people. Not me.
She needs more time with me? Yes, as the kind, listening, adoring mother I am. I could go visit her soon, instead of waiting for her to come home.
I need more time with myself, with reality.
There is no requirement for time, I notice, in the universe. Time is limited in this physical body. Sometimes, humans are here for a very short time. Only months, or a few years. Sometimes, 19. Like my daughter.
I need more time with my own thoughts, with my feelings, with myself, with my environment.
Yes. I get to notice the splashing drops on the window, the great vast salt water sea, the low hum of this clipper ship motor, the snow capped mountains sharply rising off one side of the boat, my appreciation for remembering to take Dramamine (motion sickness medicine) which my husband kindly asked for.
I get to notice how very much I love this apparent daughter, and how it is right that we are independent beings. She should be able to easily live without me, and I without her. It doesn’t mean love between us isn’t just as vast as this ocean I’m sailing on.
“That nothing is static or fixed, that all is fleeting and impermanent, is the first mark of existence. It is the ordinary state of affairs. Everything is in process. Everything—every tree, every blade of grass, all the animals, insects, human beings, buildings, the animate and the inanimate—is always changing, moment to moment. We don’t have to be mystics or physicists to know this. Yet at the level of personal experience, we resist this basic fact. It means that life isn’t always going to go our way. It means there’s loss as well as gain…
If you’re going to be a grown-up—which I would define as being completely at home in your world no matter how difficult the situation—it’s because you will allow something that’s already in you to be nurtured.” ~ Pema Chodron
Your answers, already inside you.
Let the uncomfortable feeling lead the way to the thought lead the way to growing up lead the way back home.
A beautiful inquirer did The Work recently with me on being hit by her mother when growing up.
Sometimes these moments containing violence seem too awful.
The mind gets set off into shock, defense, anger, justification even with the first question of The Work “Is it true?”
Yes, it was true! I had the bruises and pain to show for it. It was terrible suffering. No one should have to go through that.
First, to do The Work on these painful memories and experiences, it is helpful to realize that right now, in this current moment….
….you survived. You’re a survivor.
You are here now, supported, in a quiet room perhaps, living your daily life going to work, having conversations, reflecting on your inner life, taking a walk, sleeping in a bed, sitting in a chair, living.
The thing, the event, the terrible moment unfolded and came to an end. Even if it repeated itself over several years, it’s actually helpful to really wonder how many times it happened? Every week? For how many years? Until what age?
Sometimes people discover, as I did….Oh. I remember only 5 times when extreme anger was shown. Five times in my entire childhood. Or, with mean words and critical speaking….maybe it was only every so often, maybe once a month for ten years, which is 120 sentences spoken in criticism.
Even if you feel like every single time you were in the presence of that person (the violent one, the critical one, the hurtful one) you got hurt…..you might notice there were many minutes of life spent outside of their presence. You were at school, with a friend, playing sports, walking home from school, sleeping. There was space outside of contact with violence.
And even more powerful….it ended at some point and never repeated again.
I love we can go back in time and clean up those past experiences that hurt so bad. Clean up the troubled perspective, the resentment and suffering.
So today, if you have something you remember and you feel horrible about it, angry or upset, let’s do The Work.
“It shouldn’t have happened”.
Is it true?
Yes. It was frightening, awful, there was no purpose for it.
Are you absolutely sure it shouldn’t have happened?
Yikes. YES!! (It’s always OK to answer yes again, no right or wrong way to answer).
But now, after doing The Work for awhile, I’m not so sure what happened in the past shouldn’t ever have happened. I can’t say “yes, it definitely shouldn’t have happened” even about very tough experiences.
How do you react when you think “It shouldn’t have happened”?
Rage. Resistance. Drinking. Eating. Escape. Dreams of leaving town forever.
Who would you be without this thought that it shouldn’t have happened?
Weird, right?
It never means you deserved it, you condone it, you’re in favor of violence.
Just without the thought, what would you be like, feel like, live like?
Even in only one moment.
Because it’s just a thought now.
As the friend doing inquiry said, she wouldn’t shut down and go numb, she’d maybe get up and go out for a walk, even as a kid. She’d stop wishing her mother was different. She’d notice she knows what a loving mother would be like, and she could give this to herself….now.
Turning it around: it should have happened.
Wow, kind of strange to find this with something violent, but the idea is only to open up to examples, even the tiniest examples, of what advantage might have come out of that terrible experience?
This inquirer was amazing. She found the following advantages:
I learned detachment (some monks practice this for years and years in monasteries)
I was keenly aware of what love would look like: a hug, support, caring about my inner world, asking me how I feel, and I can do this for myself now
I went on to accomplishments, like university, that I might never have done without my mother’s pushing and forceful ideas
I was great at dissociating, it didn’t feel like I was in my body (and this was favorable at the time)
I became aware of the power of great discipline, and can add love to it now, too–not overly-permissible love that has no energy or accomplishment, but razor sharp love that has action and fire in it
And even if you can’t find good reasons for the thing to have occurred in your life….I do love noticing that despite your mind that might have been repeating the memory over and over and feeling bad about that situation or relationship for years….the actual event is indeed over.
Reality was kind. Kinder than perhaps your own mind with its replay button continuously revisiting that experience.
Fortunately, with The Work, you might actually visit that experience once and for all, head on, rather than having the memory scream at you for attention at odd and uncomfortable moments.
When you do this work, witnessing that hard time out in the open (and wonderful to do it with someone else facilitating if you can) you can clearly find all the concepts that were born at that time that no longer serve you.
Then, you can investigate. So your mind can stop hitting the repeat, replay, revisit buttons, and respond in a new powerful way.
In the case of the friend doing The Work, she made a list of what a loving mother behaves like. She had all the wisdom inside her.
She can notice, if she hesitates to live these powerful loving turnarounds, there may be a little more inquiry to do.
But one thing’s for sure; The loving mother is available….right here within.
“You know what I love about the past? It’s over.” ~ Byron Katie
“A thought without belief has no power. A thought with belief can start a war, or heal a nation’s pain….All the power, wisdom and ability is in you….We use thoughts, but if you take them all as The Truth, they become poison. You are greater than ANY thought. You are before thought.” ~ Mooji
The best fire alarm for stressed out feelings? The Work!
Urgent! Urgent!
(Listen, I hear the Foreigner song from 1981).
The feeling of needing to hurry, ASAP, is very stressful if you aren’t a rock band singing about it.
Running, pushing, moving fast.
The other day a lovely inquirer said she felt like it was an emergency to find peace. All caps I WANT TO DO THE WORK AND FIND PEACE NOW!
Everyone feels urgency sometimes. Quick, I gotta call that person. Quick, I gotta apologize. Quick, I gotta say the right thing. Quick, I gotta leave this place. Quick, I gotta get enlightenment. Quick, I gotta calm down. Quick, I gotta figure this out. Quick, I gotta get a job. Quick, I gotta get some money. Quick, I gotta get over there!
There’s a deep feeling when I’ve had this thought that I won’t survive! CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT!
It has to happen YESTERDAY. Or else.
Or else what? What is it that will die? What’s the worst that could happen?
I once had a man I was dating who I didn’t know extremely well, who I was pretty sure wasn’t a good match. He could feel the distance through our phone conversations. I was anxious about his neediness.
The next day, he showed up in my city after taking an emergency-type last-minute flight. I couldn’t see him. One of my kids was sick at home and I felt like distancing from what felt….frantic.
I felt scared of the intensity of it all. And sorry for him and for myself. Yikes.
The thing you see that needs to happen…..it HAS TO. NOW!!!
I remember this feeling when my house might have foreclosed if I didn’t come up with a payment within a few days.
Must. Happen. Immediately.
Are you sure?
Oh. Wow. Um. It seemed like an emergency. But right at this exact moment in time I’m aware I’m breathing, there’s a ceiling and a floor, and warmth, and I’m actually OK.
So no, it’s not true.
But I’m sure it WILL be true! Soon! (Now, now, keep going).
How do you react when you believe something has to happen immediately, including finding peace or enlightenment?
I notice an intense feeling of crunching down within, a tightness, lots of adrenaline and speed rushing through the body. A shrieking voice inside that’s terrified.
I can’t sleep, I feel like I can’t think straight (it’s true, I’m thinking crookedly all bent up around fear).
I treat anyone else who’s frantic like they need to be avoided.
So who or what would I be without this stressful lie that the thing Must Happen Now?
Sometimes, I’ve had the thought if I let go of this belief, I’ll lie down on the floor in a puddle and no longer try. I’ll give up in despair. Even if the thought is extremely frightening that the thing I want to happen must happen right now….I can’t give it up! Otherwise it will never, ever happen ever.
Ahhh, that tricky mind encouraging you to stay in the thought and not wonder about what really, really would happen if you weren’t thinking something ELSE must happen ASAP than what IS happening.
Who would you be, for example, without the thought you must stop feeling anxious RIGHT NOW (hear finger snapping)!?!
For me, I’d notice the sensations called “anxiety”. I’d allow them to be in the room with me, in my body here. I’d let things be as they are, like watching a rain storm or thunder and lightening. The wind is blowing….let it blow (I notice I have no control over it anyway).
Without the belief something must happen, or stop, or change instantly….I notice something here relaxes.
And then relaxes a little more.
There’s a bit of space around the edges. The thing I’m nervous about isn’t as awful and big as before.
I definitely don’t feel like escaping, either. There’s no thought about eating, drinking, smoking, doing, internetting, TV watching, planning my escape, spending, making arrangements stressfully. I’m just here.
Ahhhhhhh.
Turning the thought around: Nothing needs to happen differently, or immediately, or on my preferred timing. What’s happening is just right.
Oh.
You mean I don’t need peace right now in this instance?!
What are the examples that I don’t?
Breathing. Typing. Going to the store. Lying still. Meditating. Picking up the phone. Sending an email. Going to the gym. Talking to my mom. Getting dressed. Everything happening, unfolding, nothing “dangerous” occurring. Even with nervous energy or uncomfortable feelings, all is well.
I hear rain pouring outside right now, and I’m not “against” it. I’m inside in a brightly lit cozy winter cottage. The sound is actually beautiful of the rain on the roof. Perhaps I could see this feeling of anxiety coursing through me like rain on the roof. Something natural, exciting, pattering. Something that comes bearing a gift.
Turning it around again: My thoughts are urgent. My thinking needs “x” right now (like peace). And only my thoughts. Nothing else is really an emergency at all. My THOUGHTS must happen immediately.
I like how Byron Katie says, if you looked in a basket of thoughts, you’d see air. Nothing. Thoughts are only…..thoughts. You don’t have to believe them.
How could it be a good thing this is unfolding in its own timing (not mine) and I am not the one in charge? How could it be a wonderful gift to not demand that anything be different than it is, in this moment?
Jeez. You’re getting carried away with this whole thing….now this is pretty extreme. A GOOD thing that it’s not happening, there are no guarantees, and life doesn’t appear to be concerned with urgency about this topic?
Wow.
I notice the lightness of not being the one who has to worry, force, push, control, make-happen, charge ahead.
In fact….what a surprise.
The inner anxiety appears to have passed on by now. Feelings did not require action, apparently.
Just like a wound healing, or the sun coming up on Reality’s timing, can I trust what’s going on here, without trying to control the outcome?
Ha ha! Yes.
“Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it….it’s just easier if you do.” ~ Byron Katie
Valentine’s Day TeleSession 2-4:30 pm Pacific Time. Click HERE. Password: WWGVALENTINE. Donations fantastic, so helpful & not required.
It doesn’t exactly feel beautiful when someone breaks up with you, when divorce proceedings are underway, when you have a fight with your beloved, when you find yourself complaining about the same thing endlessly in a relationship.
But what I love noticing, and so grateful for, is that if it ISN’T feeling so beautiful….
….The Work is beckoning.
Today, you can join me for an online mini-retreat in doing The Work on anywhere you notice in your life you feel not-so-beautiful, especially around relationships with others.
Don’t feel you must come do The Work on couples, romance, break-ups or love-gone-wrong (although those are all really amazing things to question). Come do The Work if you notice resentment, irritation, fear, loss, or worry about anyone in your life.
Concerns about love show up in many ways.
To join me click here. Come and go as you wish, no requirement to be there 2.5 hours.
Awhile ago, I had the privilege of doing The Work with a young woman who was upset about a man who didn’t love her as much as she loved him.
They had an off-again, on-again relationship.
He would return to town (he didn’t live in the same city), they’d spend 24 hours together making love, eating, sleeping, talking….
….then he’d leave for who knows how long and she’d try to act nonchalant and regroup.
But underneath, she felt abandoned and triggered by his going, and his absences, every time.
Why doesn’t he love me that way? Why doesn’t he want me to be his girlfriend all the time? What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I have a relationship like my friend? Why doesn’t anyone, including this guy, want to marry me?
And then on top of all those kinds of thoughts, she’d also think “There’s something wrong with me, I am sooo clingy, I shouldn’t be needy, I’m ridiculous, relationships trap you anyway, I prefer independence, what am I doing here?”
It’s like she’d get stuck in a side-eddy of the river swirling around between “I suck” and “he sucks”.
Deep breath.
This is a good one for inquiry.
This relationship should be different than it is.
Find that one thing you notice you believe should be different. Whether in a long-term relationship and you’re so annoyed because he doesn’t do the dishes, or you’re going through a divorce and you believe you should be together, or you’re wanting more than you get from her in a relationship, or less.
Let’s do The Work.
In this situation, the relationship should be different. It should be that other, better way. Not THIS way.
Is that true?
Yes! This way is painful, boring, irritating, not serving me! It’s TRUE!
Can you absolutely know it’s true?
The woman I was working with said “yes” she could absolutely know it was true she wanted more time, more commitment, more steadiness.
How do you react when you believe the relationship should be different than it is?
Angry. Depressed. Thinking I made a mistake. Yelling at myself that I should get over it. Furious with me. Furious with him. Sad. Begging. Trying everything to get it the way I want it.
So who would you be without your belief that this relationship should be different, that it should change in that situation for you to be happy?
Woah. But.
I can’t be happy with the relationship the way it is! I’d be ignoring my complaints! I couldn’t! I wouldn’t!
Slow down, though.
To not have this thought doesn’t mean you will never have the love you want, or the peace you crave. But in that situation, right when he doesn’t call back, or she forgot to meet you, or he left town again, or she was critical….
….Who would you be if you couldn’t have the belief it should be different, better, another way?
Wow. It drops a whole massive weighted layer of expectation and frees up other possibilities, at least for me. No one person needing to be any different, or do more than they do. No pushing, pulling, arguing with what is.
When I did this work with the young woman suffering from her un-committed relationship, she felt more of an unknown in that moment, without the thought.
She wasn’t very excited about other possibilities, especially other relationships, but she didn’t need to be. She simply noticed her own pretty apartment, her passion for her career, the way she sometimes would completely forget all people and get drawn into a project, the way her friends would come and go and she didn’t have the same feelings when THEY left (good to notice).
For me, I notice when I don’t think someone should be different, here I am taking a walk, doing The Work with people, buying groceries, going to yoga, vacuuming, teaching a class, writing….
….without any thought that something’s missing.
Even clients I work with should be exactly as they are, right in that moment in time.
Turning the thought around: this relationship should NOT be different than it is. It should be exactly like this. How could this be just as true, or truer?
Well, first of all, it’s teaching me about deep attachment, expectations, demands I have inside that someone else should change so that I feel more happy, or comfortable.
I want to be the one to notice, and accept, and change, and move where I’m drawn….without enormous suffering or dreadful sorrow.
Another turnaround: My relationship with myself (in that situation with that other person) should be different. I should be more committed to myself, I should connect with me, I should express my preferences, I should do the things I like to do.
I could do all this by myself, or with this other person! I can ask for what I want, and hear without resentment if the answer is no from the other.
And finally, I should be different with this other person. If I want them to be more committed, could I be more committed, connected and clear with them? If I want them to be less clingy, could I be less clingy, demanding or needy with them? If I want them to quit “x” can I quit doing “x” with my thoughts about them?
This never means you should put up with something, or that you should twist yourself into a pretzel, or withhold information or the truth, or work even harder.
I love that it simply brings freedom if you are not arguing with reality, and wishing for something Other Than What Is.
As I look around the room in that situation I was questioning where that other person was doing it differently than I thought I wanted….
….I notice how much I love that room, the air, the lights, the distant sounds, the colors, the feelings, the quiet stillness, my heart beating.
I know the universe and reality has it handled far better than I could ever handle it. I can trust what’s going on, instead of fight it.
And if there’s a fight….The Work.
“Humility is our natural response to seeing what’s true about ourselves. When we judge others and question that judgment, then turn it around to ourselves, that is the fire and the purification. Our knees buckle, and we learn how sweet it is to lose–how that is the winning. That’s what The Work is about. Some people call it forgiveness. I call it sanity.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy pg. 221.
*Three hour Saturday afternoon meetup 3/18 at East West Books for only $25. Register here. I’ll share specifically how to do The Work on eating, weight, compulsive thoughts about food and your body.
*Living Turnarounds Group Sunday 2/26 3-6 pm (if you’re a beginner in The Work, email me first before registering).
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question your thoughts, dance into a new reality
I’m about to go dancing. It’s what I do on Saturday mornings now if I’m not teaching a retreat somewhere out of town, and one of my absolute favorite things in my entire life.
This kind of dancing is almost not really “dancing” the way many of us think of as dancing, because it’s spontaneous movement, without words, to music of all kinds of genres and countries.
There are no step, no choreography, no requirements whatsoever, no need to dance with anyone. You can stop, you can sit on a yoga mat or a chair eyes closed or open, you can shake a shaker or tambourine, you can be entirely still. People of all ages attend, and I especially love all the people who come in their 60s, 70s, 80s.
What does this have to do with The Work?
Everything, I realized some time ago.
Here I am in this body, on planet earth, experiencing this particular lifetime. There’s a mind attached to this body, a brain, thoughts, feelings, responses to this reality.
And movement happens, it seems, out of this body. I lie down to sleep. I rise in the morning and get out of bed. I go to the kitchen and drink a glass of water. I notice thoughts, and notice the room, and notice sounds. I peel a banana and eat it, gorgeous.
Now, the body sits at a table and fingers are typing. Soon, this will stand up and gather a coat and others items to leave for the dancing. At least this is most likely. The mind doesn’t know exactly how it will go.
In the flow and river of what’s happening are thoughts, ideas, planning, wondering, and movement and stillness.
The way of it.
Not up to me. I am not in charge. I didn’t even invent this body, I don’t run the lungs, heart beat, temperature. I don’t invent the thoughts that appear, or the feelings that follow thoughts.
I used to think, when I stuffed myself with junk food, and watched my judgments become enraged, when I shoplifted that time on my bicycle in college, when I said mean things to people close to me, when I didn’t have enough money, when I didn’t win the race, when I didn’t dance very freely, when I was nervous about going on stage, when I had any uncomfortable feeling….
….I used to ALWAYS think it was My Fault.
Or, someone else’s.
What’s wrong with this person? (Me, Them).
Then I’d start to think about all the ways I could improve myself, or get away from that other person, or stop feeling “x”.
In the Year of Inquiry group the other day on our phone call, someone said as she’s navigating a major change in her life, very unplanned….
….What if this is the BEST that could happen?
As opposed to the WORST?
An amazing thing to realize, to feel and understand and be aware of….even just a drop.
It suddenly brings us back to right now, this moment, looking around as if to find the good news, the best, the interesting, the wondrous, the handle-able.
Are things so difficult as our thoughts sometimes make them out to be? Do we really need to worry? Is fear the motivator for change….or is accepting this stunning lack of need to change things the easier way?
As I found The Work in 2014 it was a slow dawn. First it was reading Loving What Is. Then a weekend workshop. Then making my way to the School for The Work in 2005 (a big leap there, with 9 days of inquiry). Then another school, and using the last drop of savings to attend it. Free to spend the money without fear. Even with fear.
No planning was done for how this went. I just knew what to do next. And next. And next.
And I noticed dancing right there at the School, during breaks, during one exercise. The joyful, spontaneous movement that didn’t need to be any certain way whatsoever except free, expressing itself.
So I found dance back at home where I lived, free-form dance, and I started going specifically to do what Byron Katie calls “living your turnaround”. An intention to move without worry, or criticism (well, there were a lot of inhibitions at first, for about a year, but I kept showing up and dancing who I would be without my thoughts).
And eventually, with my husband, I started a dance of this same interesting kind–open movement without plans, without requirements of any kind.
Being You in a group of other people all moving together.
This feels like where The Work brings us all. Being ourselves, connected to everyone and all that is, moving freely with joy and love, this body, music (or no music as we live our waking day moving from here to there, even from one room to another room). Just for a temporary time here on planet earth.
Who would you be without any thought whatsoever that something is required, or there’s someone to blame–someone’s fault–just for today? Who would I be without the belief there’s something off, or wrong, just for the next hour?
What if this is the BEST that could happen, and I could doubt my fears and angst about whether or not it’s gone wrong?
“Since the beginning of time, people have been trying to change the world so that they can be happy. This hasn’t ever worked, because it approaches the problem backward. What The Work gives us is a way to change the projector-mind—rather than the projected. It’s like when there’s a piece of lint on a projector’s lens. We think there’s a flaw on the screen, and we try to change this person and that person, whomever the flaw appears on next. But it’s futile to try to change the projected images. Once we realize where the lint is, we can clear the lens itself. This is the end of suffering, and the beginning of a little joy in paradise.” ~ Byron Katie
As one of my other favorite teachers (Adyashanti) invites people from time to time to try: Sit on a couch, and only get up when “it” gets up, not when you think you should, or shouldn’t, or when you have a thought about it.
Who would you be, how would you move, without your beliefs or your identity?
This morning, apparently, I’d be Dancing.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Most Saturday mornings Free Form Dance Dance is at Northgate Community Center in Seattle. Doors open 10 am.
Of course they have, everyone’s gotten that feeling, even if you had it when you were a kid and you thought the old man at the end of the street was scary.
Nothing wrong with it, really. A feeling comes up, maybe you’re reminded of something fearful, or disappointing. Maybe there’s a gut intuition with no “reason” behind it. You know to cross the street, and move to the other side. Something is on alert.
But I found myself then wanting that person who creeped me out in the past, and also frightened a few others (added proof) to GET that they’re disturbing others, and why.
I heard him say “I didn’t do anything wrong!” about a sleazy overture to a woman.
Everyone would agree he should get a clue, right?
He’s a sleaze-ball. Ew. Creep, creep. Get away from us you creeper!
I noticed, however, even though that kind of teenage reaction was occurring in my thoughts, something felt off. Like I wanted him to suffer, to really understand he did the WRONG THING. You were totally out of line and inappropriate, dude!
(Not that I would ever say anything. Because. People like that aren’t rational and you can’t talk with them anyway. It’s no use. Oh yeah, I could question that.)
Oooooh. That’s some serious stressful argument going on. Wow.
Time for The Work.
He should understand he did the wrong thing.
Is it true?
Yes! Of course! How could he even think what he did was OK, or acceptable, or ? I mean, he should be ashamed of himself.
Is it absolutely true that he should understand he did the wrong thing. Are you SURE??!!
Well, no. If he knew it would create such a response, if he was a completely different person, if he knew better, if he had a alternate perspective…..he might never have done that.
And I have no idea what created his action, what he expected, what he was thinking, what he hoped for.
I just really can’t know his business, his background, his life.
Even if I’m thinking only of myself, and my own safety and comfort, I can’t know that HE should understand HE DID IT WRONG.
I notice that even though he did it wrong, I’m breathing. I haven’t seen him in a year. I haven’t heard of him making overtures to anyone else I know.
Life went on.
I also know the suffering when someone believes deeply they did indeed do something horribly wrong. They sometimes want to kill themselves. They are filled with suffering. They can’t function.
Do I want him to feel….that?
Well, I guess No.
How do I react when I think the thought “he should understand he did the wrong thing?”
Absolutely furious. I treat him like an outcast. I stay far away from him and think about what a creeper he is, and maybe talk about him to friends. Did you see him over there? Snort, laugh, make gag face.
I’m actually frightened, when I believe that thought. I’m seeing pictures of him believing he did nothing, and therefore repeating it over and over again. Like a serial killer or something.
Whew. It’s an horrendously stressful thought!
So who would I be without it? Without the thought he should understand how wrong he was, feel bad, apologize, suffer, change….all that entire story?
Who would you be without this very stressful tale?
Oh. Interesting.
This is one of those wonderings where at first, even though it’s so anxiety-riddled, I’m not sure I want to give up the thought. Because, if I give up this thought, he might be out there repeating his crime. Capable of creepy stuff AGAIN.
I must think about him and how he should be sorry and wanting to change his ways and aware he did the wrong thing.
But. What if it was safe not to have the thought? What if it didn’t mean denial, or pretending it didn’t happen. What if this question is only about noticing what it’s like when I’m not aware of the thought, when I start fresh, from the present, open to anything, clear? When I’m not freaking myself out with the terrible possibilities of what will happen next, unless he understands what he did was wrong?
What I notice is, nothing terrible has ever happened that I personally know of, with this person, ever again. Everything has been shared, and logged, by the people involved. People have the support they need.
Without the thought, I’d notice how most of the time, except when reminded the other day of this person, I don’t think about it. Ever. Without the thought is the way I usually am. It’s friendly. I’m care-free. I’m not frightened of this person.
Turning the thought around: He should NOT understand he did the wrong thing.
How could this be just as true?
Well….when someone feels awful about something they did, as I mentioned, they might lose it, they might feel suicidal, they might be deeply depressed. I’d hate to hear about him killing himself. That’d be awful.
He also shouldn’t understand he did the wrong thing, because he’s not oriented that way. He’s got the ideas he’s got. Maybe you could call them sexist, or weird, or aggressive, or good-old-boy but that’s what he learned. He’s doing as he was taught. He’s living his way, not my way.
Turning it around again: I should understand I did the wrong thing, especially when it came to HIM.
OK. I didn’t speak up, I didn’t go to him directly, I smiled when in his presence and play-acted like everything was fine. I didn’t share my fears. I didn’t get support for myself. I stuffed things down. I gave the wrong impression. I didn’t look to myself with care, love and attention.
Which is really the best turnaround, for me, in this situation….or the most meaningful: I should understand I did the wrong thing with myself. I ignored my intuition, I laughed when afraid, I pushed the small timid part of myself away and acted strong, and unruffled. I didn’t ask…”what did you mean by that remark?” or “could you stop doing that?” or “I’m feeling very uncomfortable.”
I was so frozen with the thought that he should stop doing that, and then later that he should KNOW he did the wrong thing….
….that I never simply saw: If I’m the one seeing the dirty socks, it’s my job to pick them up. And notice I love myself when I do that, rather than resenting everyone else for being so creepy.
He doesn’t need to understand any wrong-ness about what occurred at all. Not if he doesn’t ever see it as wrong.
I’m the one who needs to see what I did, without malice or criticism to myself, or guilt or shame. This is not about piling a bunch of judgment on me.
I love how Byron Katie says “A turnaround should be a kiss, not a slap!”
I should see, with great compassion, how the whole thing went down. No one person’s fault.
“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is ‘out there’-as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering–the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.” ~ Byron Katie
Amazing to think, the only problem is here, in my own thinking about this situation.
Who would I be without fighting against reality, wishing he KNEW he did something wrong…….thinking he hurt me?
Peaceful. Free.
Now that’s worth letting go of a thought. And good news. It’s my thought, so I can do it.
Yesterday, I got to sit in the presence of Byron Katie and about 800 other people, all gathered together where I live (Seattle) to observe our stressful stories, and question them by taking them through the process known as The Work.
I had an image at one moment of dropping to my knees, prostrating I guess it’s called….
….and bowing to the Great Universe, kissing the ground for giving me the ability to wonder if what I’m thinking, when it’s painful, is actually true?
It almost never is.
Not the absolute 100% solid, never-to-be-doubted truth. I mean, how could what my brain is saying be The Truth?
One person’s mind?
But I sure have acted like it was.
He hurt me, she insulted me, he abandoned me, she criticized me, I better be careful, she shouldn’t worry, he should calm down, she shouldn’t have cut me off, he shouldn’t have been so greedy, they shouldn’t have more than me, I need, I should, I want, they are, what if.
So many stressful concepts chattering away on the inside of my mind over years of my life.
And then this question….
….Is it true?
Can you be sure it’s true, the thing you’re thinking?
Are you certain?
Consider it deeply. Are you sure? How do you know? Where did you learn this “fact”? Is it undeniable? Would EVERYONE agree?
Where’s your proof?
Katie asked the audience yesterday, as I’ve heard her ask before….
….”Who just heard me cough?”
Silence, with some hands going up.
“Where’s your proof?”
The point being, the proof is only in the memory, the image in the mind, the imprint getting lodged in the brain that determines it happened, because we saw it. We heard it. Therefore it’s the truth.
And there’s no proof. None.
So who would you be without holding on to your thought? Who would you be without your belief that what you saw, or heard, (even if it was a cough), was The Truth?
What would it be like to look around at this present moment (you can do it right now) and not have any solid “IT-HAPPENED-FOR-SURE-AND-IT-SUCKED” attitude about what went on in the past that you didn’t like, hated, resisted, regretted?
Wouldn’t you notice how lovely, quiet, stable and kind this moment is, without your full-fledged belief?
I got once again, listening to Katie and the brave people who sat in the chair opposite her on stage and said their stressful thoughts out loud….I got once again that this work isn’t about denial.
In other words, it’s not about pretending something never happened or that I’m a complete nut case to have “made up” something that wasn’t real. It’s not about denying the intense thing I witnessed. It’s not about acting fake-fake like all is well, when it really wasn’t (even if in the end, it was).
This is about noticing the past is OVER.
Right now, I’m sitting in a chair, reliving a memory. The memory is in the mind. It’s not reality. it’s not happening Now. These are images, repeating themselves. Images on replay. Waiting for me to question them.
Right now, it’s very safe. Very quiet. I am supported by the chair, the room, the floor. The world is still revolving. There are kind people nearby. No one is yelling, criticizing, abandoning me, hurting me, or being violent.
Noticing this is who I would be, who I am, without my stressful thought.
“The mind creates the abyss, the heart crosses it.” ~ Nisargadatta
“A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing that it’s true, without inquiring. A belief is a thought that we’ve been attaching to, often for years.” ~ Byron Katie
Who would you be without your thought about yesterday?
Oooooh, it could be very, very exciting. Thrilling. Wondrous. New. Mysterious. A blank page. Loving. Magical.
Do you loooooove getting everyone’s approval? It may be more stressful than you think. Are you sure you need to be “nice”?
We’ve all heard about the concept of making amends. That it’s very beneficial, for both the person making it, and the one receiving it.
An amends is perhaps an apology, but by definition it means to make up or repair a harm done. The word literally comes from the latin “to correct” a “blemish”. To make something right.
I once took the process of making amends overboard, though.
It wasn’t truly amend-making.
There I was, very young and going to 12 Step meetings, getting a sponsor, serving as a secretary, following the program.
There was something very cathartic about writing out all the wrongs I had done to people (the fourth step process). Incidents and relationships I felt uncomfortable about.
After some contemplation, the invitation is to make amends where you recognize you need to.
The thing is, at the time I was lousy at slowing down and seeing who I really, really needed to make amends to.
(It was myself most of all).
I wrote several letters to people I’m not sure I really harmed all that much.
It’s almost like I was excited about the possibility of being forgiven, and the more people who said “you are OK, I don’t hate you, and you’re forgiven” the more I’d feel good about myself.
Which really isn’t a true amends. Begging, hoping, wishing, longing, needing someone’s approval or blessing or acceptance is definitely NOT amends.
It has to be done with zero strings attached, without expectation.
So if you have someone in your life who’s been upset, angry, or hurt by you….
…..the first step is to do The Work.
I noticed in those “amends” I made with others so long ago, these letters went off to men I had dated. I can’t even remember the details. I broke up with them, or told them I wasn’t interested, or moved away. And here I was apologizing for doing that.
My assumption was they had been hurt, and I actually didn’t even know this for sure.
Kind of embarrassing, now that I think about it again.
Even if you have someone you’re sure you broke their heart, or hurt them….check to make sure if you were doing what was right for you. Because THAT is also extremely important to remember and notice.
Now, another brilliant teaching in the middle of all this amend-making, inside The Work, is the suggestion that when a turnaround hurts…..when it feels bad….you might want to take a look with inquiry at the turnaround.
As Katie suggests….a Turnaround should feel like a “kiss” and not a “slap”. In other words, if you start punching yourself (in your mind) when you find a turnaround towards yourself, there’s a little more work to do as you notice the violent thoughts towards yourself.
So this inquiry today comes out of a thought about me, that could be a turnaround found in inquiry, but a concept I used to believe was true with a vengeance.
I hurt him (when I said no).
This doesn’t have to be with a love or romance. It can be in friendship, as a parent, with co-workers.
Maybe you were awkward and bumbled your way through it, but you said no. You really didn’t want to work for them, go out with them, hang out with them, give them the shiny toy at the check-out stand. And they appeared upset.
You hurt them….is it true?
Yes. It seems like it. They acted frustrated. They tried to get my attention again. I avoided them.
But can you absolutely know it’s true that saying “no” hurt that person?
No.
How do you react when you think that thought?
Too nice. Talking longer than I’d like to someone. Not hanging up the phone. Feeling apologetic. Nervous about hurting them.
I treat them with kid gloves. I make things light, when I’m kind of nervous about their grabbiness. I call them “needy” in my mind.
In my past, how I reacted in my youthful efforts to be sane and compulsion-free were, I started apologizing right and left and feeling ashamed of myself.
So who would you be without that story?
I’d just say no. I wouldn’t withdraw and start to feel like hiding, or worried about their continued reaction. I wouldn’t start to feel insecure about what they’re REALLY thinking. I’d go on with my day, with my life. I’d know everyone will be OK, including me. I wouldn’t obsess about whether they still liked me or not. Ugh.
Turning the thought around:
I didn’t hurt them.
How could this be just as true?
They’re breathing. They get out of bed. They go to work. They have a whole life without crossing paths with mine. They are capable humans, on their own path. If they look wounded, I can even talk with them about it, and connect and listen, without rescuing.
It was an honest “no” so ultimately how could this hurt? Even if they acted like they wanted a dishonest “yes” I’m not sure they really would. Would you?
Turning the thought around again:
I hurt myself.
Yes, I dragged the “no” on forever without speaking it. I felt so incredibly nervous about “hurting” them I twisted myself into a pretzel trying to make sure to let them down easy. It was like I agreed with them. They ARE fragile. So I MUST sacrifice.
Yikes.
Turning it around again:
They hurt me.
I don’t have to find examples, if it feels right not to….I could even question the thought (maybe I already questioned this thought). But I can also notice if I think they did hurt me, and when, and simply respond with compassion and understanding, and saying “no” if I mean it.
They’re treating me the way I treat me. I was showing them I am someone who will rescue, sacrifice, worry, assist, and believe them to be people who can’t find balance or happiness without me.
Today, my living turnaround is actually not to be apologetic, in this kind of dynamic. It doesn’t mean I’m not full of love and care for that person. I am. But I see them as strong. Able. Someone being supported by the universe, just like me. It’s not my job to make them happy and un-hurt.
Instead, my living turnaround, a way of offering amends to those people and to myself, is to see us all as powerful, creative, clear people following the paths we must follow. And saying “no” when I mean it.
“If this was their only path to God, would you take it away?” asks Byron Katie sometimes, when people are desperately concerned with someone else’s happiness.
They always answer…..”no”.
And even though it’s in someone else’s business, and I can’t really know what’s true about that person over there, and their pain and suffering….another turnaround pops in that makes sense in this case, for me at least.
They hurt themselves.
This is not said with any fault or blame whatsoever. Only noticing their angst, their fear. There that person is, believing their thoughts (if they are). Like the child at the check-out stand screaming because mom says “no” to buying the shiny thing.
They’ll get over it.
And this is very important. It’s not said with malice, wishing they would, even the slightest criticism. You can love them with a big huge heart, be with them, listen with them, adore them, care about them….and still be completely honest with what’s true for you.
“Politeness and tact are supposed to be about consideration for others. But notice how often they are really about trying to control the impression you make….Why bother with all of this complicated pretending? There is no reason. You do it because neither of you has questioned the belief that your relationship depends on playacting and couldn’t stand up to honesty….What would happen if you moved and responded with less concern about what others will think? What would it be like to live your truth without excusing, defending, explaining, or justifying your thoughts or actions to others?” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love Is It True pg. 44
If you notice this as an issue, and you want to find freedom from the trap of trying to please….one way is to come do The Work. Spring Retreat is filling very fast (May 11-14) in north Seattle. Or come to Breitenbush in Oregon June 21-25.
What if you didn’t know you did it wrong, made a mistake, or failed? Don’t believe your thoughts, even about yourself.
Last Sunday in the middle of a beautiful, dark, wintery afternoon at a hushed meditation satsang event with a teacher I so love, Adyashanti, I noticed a thought suddenly appear.
(Satsang, by the way, means a gathering of people with shared spiritual interests to talk about truth and sacred ideas–Q & A time).
This wise teacher and author, a man very close to my same age, has followers from all over the world, and hundreds of people at his meditation retreats.
And here he was talking, yet again, about giving up the hunt. The pain of seeking, searching, reaching, pushing. The ridiculousness, in many ways, of talking about “enlightenment” or pursuing some condition other than what is here, now. He dialogued with a very sincere woman encouraging her to find her own way, her own answers, and not follow his way or anyone else’s. And definitely not to move to California near where he lives.
His unassuming invitation was to wonder about All This. To grapple and sort through it. To come up with no solid, rigid answers and yet still move, act, watch oneself navigate through conditioning, and reality.
Somewhere around then, my stressful thought appeared. (Remember I mentioned it?)
The thought had babies. It went something like this: I better buy the recording of this conversation, so I can “get” it.
Then a little familiar depressive feeling of the futility of all the “trying to understand” something about the meaning of life. Whatever.
I had stayed up late the night before, and perhaps lack of sleep affected me. I had a very chocolatey dessert and a lively and wonderful conversations into the wee hours.
I also felt a slight sore throat, glands working hard. A fatigue.
Have you ever noticed when you have a barrage of self-critical thinking, the voice is saying “you” like it’s an actual person, talking to you?
You should have gone to bed earlier. You didn’t even like the chocolate that much, what a fool for eating it so late. You facilitate Eating Peace for crying out loud! You should quit! How you got this far with your programs, I have no idea. I have one word for you: retire. You’re not that great at meditating either, I might add. Twenty minutes a day? (Say “loser” while coughing).
Um.
It would be funny except it’s pretty harsh, right?
Deep breath.
Lately, I’ve been preparing the Year of Inquiry group for our next month on Relationships. As I was reading and researching for Katie’s ideas and suggestions about doing The Work on relationships, I came across an important passage.
“If you haven’t undone your painful thoughts, you can get into a bubble bath, light candles, recite positive affirmations, pamper yourself in every way–and once you’re out of the tub, the same thoughts will come back to haunt you. It’s like staging a seduction only the one you’re trying to seduce is you…..The only obstacle to loving other people is believing what you think, and you’ll come to see that that’s also the only obstacle to loving yourself.” ~ Byron Katie (pg. 204 in I Need Your Love)
We’ve all heard how not doing The Work on yourself is generally the easier, more crystal clear way to “see” your objections to a situation. Everyone always wants to do The Work on themselves when they first begin The Work. But get the hang of judging someone else? Oh what brilliant awareness can come forward, without it wiggling out of reach because you’re questioning your own thoughts about your own thinking.
But what if you DID take this potentially harder road, where it might get a bit murky and you might have an agenda to enforce change….
….but you questioned just one stressful thought about yourself, very sincerely, very honestly, anyway?
Ready?
What haven’t you forgiven yourself for?
Even if it’s not the biggest, wildest, most ugly thought…..what do you see in the middle of a situation where your thoughts get nasty, about yourself?
I did it wrong.
OK, let’s go.
Is it true you did it wrong? (Stayed up too late, ate the wrong thing, said the wrong thing, screwed up, failed)?
Yes.
Ugh.
The pictures start showing me so many ways I screwed up. Remember that time in high school? What about the multitudes of embarrassing moments involving romance? How about driving after drinking, with your headlights turned off on purpose? What about the guy who loved me and I broke his heart but can’t even remember his name? Or the time I stole laundry detergent? Dropped out of college? Started a job, went through the training, and then quit it only a few months later?
Or, the abortion?
Mistake! Mistake! Mistake!
Are you sure? Can you absolutely know that it’s true it was wrong?
No.
If you say “yes” keep going anyway. There’s so much you can still learn, even if you’re sure you made a terrible mistake.
How do you react when you think your thought?
Sinking into the ground. Afraid. Embarrassed. Secretive. Too nice. Incredibly stiff and careful. Hoping I never run into “x” or “y” people.
So who would you be without the thought you made a mistake and did it wrong?
Really, what would it be like if you couldn’t think that thought?
“Trying to earn your own love is just as painful as seeking the love of others, and the results are just as unsatisfying. And undoing the search works the same way. When you sincerely question your unexamined thoughts about yourself, love just happens.” ~ Byron Katie
Some people will think….well, wait now. If I let myself off the hook, if I accept myself or STOP thinking I totally screwed up, doesn’t that excuse it? Doesn’t it mean I’ll do it again, or never stop doing it?
Don’t I have to be against myself eating something for example, in order to know NOT to do it again?
Well, heck, that never worked before. So how about let’s try kindness and open inquiry, rather than violent thoughts towards the self.
Turning the thought around: I did NOT make a mistake, or do it wrong. I made a correction. I did it right.
This path is perfect for me. This path is my particular enlightenment path, my personalized journey of awareness in this world.
How could that be true, or truer, than the thought “YOU SCREWED UP YOU DINGALING!” (and all the accompanying yelling)?
I did not make a mistake. I didn’t do it wrong.
These actions all showed me something very interesting. Showed me when I was willing to override what I thought was wrong to get something I believed was missing, or threatened.
Making these “mistakes” helped me identify how small I felt. How victim-y. How impatient. How desperate. How merged with holding onto an identity that’s in control, that “knows” what I shouldn’t be like.
Huh.
How simple, and quiet it is, to consider I should be exactly all the ways I’ve been–every action, every supposed mistake. No battle in it. Simply seeing, when I’m being a dictator, even about myself, I have no idea what’s talking really. It’s only fear.
“Know nothing. Take your ignorance all the way to your freedom.” ~ Byron Katie
“I can assure you that nothing else holds a candle to life lived beyond self.” ~ Adyashanti
