Category: The Work of Byron Katie

Posted on

When he said that….I did The Work and remembered my job: to love my thoughts.

Could he be saying what I’m already telling myself? Wow, maybe I could turn it around!

Has someone ever given you advice you didn’t ask for?

There they go, on and on telling you about their lawyer, or their vitamin plan, their stress-reduction method of inquiry (LOL), their daily exercise routine.

Recently, an inquirer told me she received the advice, for the umpteenth time….”why don’t you just stop thinking about it?!” when telling someone about her thoughts.

Well, she did say it was yet another MAN giving her advice to stop thinking about it.

So maybe a few thoughts about men and what they in particular have to say to her about “thinking”.

But let’s look at advice.

The kind where someone is making suggestions, giving you ideas, offering solutions to the problem, saying “try this!” or saying “just stop!” or getting out a piece of paper to write some important items down….

….and all you really wanted was a listener.

He shouldn’t say that. He should stop giving advice. He should listen, without problem-solving. In fact, he should stop talking. I’m outta here!

Is it true he shouldn’t be like that?

Yes! I was already annoyed, wanting to talk about a few things and shake it out a little, and he had to start asserting his opinion! So flippant! Just telling me to STOP worrying about the thing I’m worrying about? Jeez, I wish I thoughta that, what a genius!

Oh. You asked a question?

Can you absolutely know that it’s true, he shouldn’t say those words? Act like that? Be that way?

No.

I can’t find that I absolutely 100% know it’s true. He’s saying words, based on his point of view. He can say whatever he wants. I really don’t know he shouldn’t say what he says. I’m not a dictator of his words. Heh heh.

So how do you react when you think someone shouldn’t say what they say? When they already said it?

It’s like a volcanic tantrum. Anger. Fury. Cut-off. Disconnect.

Some people yell back, immediately (maybe on the inside)! How dare you say that to me!?! Who do you think you are? 

But who would you be if you couldn’t think the thought, like if it couldn’t even go through your mind, that someone shouldn’t say what they said.

Because first of all, it happened. They said it.

Like so many of the events and situations that happened that we still think about and replay in our heads, and really didn’t like….

….they happened.

Now, they’re over.

So without the thought they shouldn’t have said what they did say, I notice the silence, the emptiness in that moment. I notice the words floated from that mouth into my ear, and that’s all that happened.

I love how Byron Katie once gave an example of her former husband Paul yelling at her, swearing and cussing and upset with a red face, and she listened and heard his words and asked herself silently….”yes, where the hell DO I think I’m going?” and noticed she had no idea, and that maybe it was a valid question.

Why don’t you just stop thinking about it?

Hmmm. Good question. I’ve been wondering the very same thing! For about 40 years!

Without the thought he shouldn’t say what he said, I’d have a genuine sense of humor, not that poking, mean kind. I’d hear the question, or the words, and really hear them, without offense.

I’d notice he’s trying to help, or stop my anxiety, or stop his anxiety.

I wouldn’t have to defend myself or take it personally.

Turning it around: he should say that to me. I shouldn’t say it to him (the stuff in my head I’ve been saying every since he said it). I shouldn’t say this to myself!

Ooooh, I shouldn’t say to myself “Why don’t I just stop thinking about it” (whatever IT is)?

I shouldn’t beat myself into a pulp for….thinking.

Because instead, I can notice how amazing, brilliant, prolific, wild, chaotic, exciting, crazy my thoughts are….

….and how wonderful it has become to question them! I should keep on thinking and thinking! Until I don’t!

What an amazing puzzle, a sweet adventure, a mind-blowing experience to have THOUGHT these thoughts, and yes, notice how painful many of the stories are….

….but then to open up to a new world, through The Work.

A world where I love my thinking, even if it’s very childish, even if it’s impossible (like believing someone shouldn’t have said something they ALREADY said). A world where I get really smart messages I apparently needed to hear in a different voice besides my own.

“One of the things that I understood about the thoughts appearing inside me was that I was someone to be trusted with them. I was the vessel that they could appear in and finally be met with unconditional love. The same thoughts also came to me through my children [and others]. I treated them as what they were: visiting friends, neighbors I had misunderstood, who were kind enough to knock on m door again. Everyone is welcome here.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

The urge to do the thing….and avoid inquiry. You’re not alone.

But I’m running. I can’t do The Work right now. You have no idea how busy I am….Are you sure you have to Do The Thing and Not The Work?

I was so touched by the inquirers doing The Work on money this month, both in the Year of Inquiry group (it’s our topic all of January) and in the collection of people who showed up to participate, listen and contemplate money just yesterday in the 4 week Money and The Work class.

One important part of doing The Work on a big topic, or any really troubling reliably stressful topic in your life is…..

….drum roll please….

….DOING The Work.

In other words, sitting down, writing out the thoughts you’re experiencing in your mind no matter how childish and frightening, and then taking them through the inquiry process.

And it’s weird how hard it is all on your own for some of us, right?

Sitting on my own couch, or lying in bed, or moving about my living room, or going to the store to get groceries, doing laundry, working, being busy with life, picking up kids from school, putting together meals, talking to the son and daughter at college, preparing for the next workshop or retreat….

….there’s a commenter looking on, noticing what you’re doing.

And at the same time, there are voices saying to Get Busy, Keep Moving, You-Have-To-Do-That-Thing.

Do the thing! Do the thing! Do the thing!

Don’t sit down and wonder about a stressful thought. Get over it!

But has this worked?

Maybe for a temporary time. Maybe you get distracted pretty well, in fact…but then here it comes again. That dreaded stressful thought.

Those thoughts, for example, about money. Not enough. Might make a mistake. Can’t get what I need. I want more.

Today I suggest taking a moment to sit down. You can get up again if it’s torturous. But maybe you can also handle it? Maybe it’s OK to really see what it is you’re thinking about a difficult situation?

Start with the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet questions. That’s what everyone did in the money class. We found a situation where we were troubled with money, and focusing on money itself, wrote a worksheet, wrote out those thoughts.

NOW….you’ve got some good work cut out for you. Like someone sewing together some lovely pieces of cloth that don’t yet look so good, all cut out but not built yet, not made into a new suit of clothing, no fine threads, no tiny segments decorated, no real usefulness. Not yet.

But the good news is, you’ve got the Four Questions, and you only need to go through them, slowly, one at a time.

In the new money class I’ve invited everyone to do The Work this week on the thoughts they found. Whether you’re in the group class or not, why not do The Work on one thought every day from your worksheet?

Who knows what kind of new suit you’ll be wearing by the end of the week, with this kind of lazer focused investigating and “working”.

“For some of us, life is controlled by our thoughts about work and money. But if our thinking is clear, how could work or money be a problem? Our thinking is all we need to change. It’s all we CAN change. This is very good news.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

If you find it very difficult to sit with your own busy mind and question it, you’re not alone (I know the feeling! Oy!). Call the Help Line, find a facilitator, get a friend or family member to ask you the questions without giving any advice. Put on a timer and allow yourself to sit for whatever you think you can stand–you might surprise yourself.

Who would you be without your story?

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

Hate is too great a burden to bear

Here in the U.S. it’s a holiday, honoring the birthday of Martin Luther King.

In my school years growing up, every January there were assemblies, plays, speeches and lessons about MLK. A major thoroughfare in many US cities, including mine here in Seattle, is “Martin Luther King Boulevard”.

Even though I never knew him personally, and wasn’t old enough to be aware of him at the time he was practicing and speaking love….

….we all recognize him as someone who questioned his beliefs.

About race, hate, love, sharing, safety, law, prejudice, change, transformation, change, war, peace, communication.

For me, to question my violent thoughts (I’ve had many)….against others, and most importantly against myself….

….has been a pivot point of change.

Who would you be without your story of inner violence? This means thoughts like “I’m a failure” or “I screwed up” or “I made a mistake” or “No one cares about me”.

There is nothing wrong with anyone who has “violent” thoughts. What are they, anyway? Forms of energy, a feeling of fear, worry that we are not supported by reality and the universe, scared of being hurt.

This is a deep cry of human suffering, and we all do the absolute best we can with our minds, feelings, actions.

What I’ve seen over and over, as I question my stressed out, violent, aggressive thoughts that arise–and I didn’t “make” them appear–is once they are investigated, an open, wild, mysterious, unidentifiable sense of peace remains. A peace that feels like the real truth.

Thank you all the speakers and leaders who questioned their thoughts, to show us how to live freely in the world, without fear.

I see every time, when I question my thinking, those stressful thoughts I had came only out of fear, confusion, and doubt in the mind.

Otherwise, all is very well indeed. And very, very peaceful.

Even if you don’t “know” it for sure.

“Non-violence and truth are inseparable and presuppose one another.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

“I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.” ~ Martin Luther King

Thanks for being on this journey of wondering about thought….

….and exploring it, with an open mind. A journey of not needing to “bear” one ounce of hatred or violence, not even towards you.

What a relief. How very beautifully, brilliantly, quietly exciting.

And this journey to love….maybe “you” don’t even have to “decide” on sticking with it.

As Byron Katie says….drop the ‘maybe’.

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

Who would you be without that stressful thought? Sleeping.

sleep, silence, quiet, eyes closed….sometimes it’s simple

I am sooooo thrilled about starting the Eating Peace Process today with a small vibrant group of inquirers.

Everyone in the group receives the first presentation today (or any time in the next several days).

It has meant a ton of prep work. For me.

The Eating Peace Retreat also happens this coming Thursday right here in Seattle. Which involves 12 hour days with the amazing people who come here to do this work in person for 3 full days. (Remind me next time not to start them both at the same time).

This email is not about announcing these programs–you already know about them and I’ve probably done that enough by now.

I’m here writing now because….the ton of work. Noticing my stressful thoughts about these tasks.

My neck was aching, my eyeballs were hurting from staring at the computer screen or concentrating on creating my keynote presentations. I stayed up until 1:00 am two nights in a row I was so excited I guess.

I even had a local event only 2 nights ago in the middle of this planning and creating time, doing The Work with folks in Seattle at the marvelous East West Bookstore on eating issues.

I was there, rather than working on my Eating Peace Process Presentations. (There’s a lot of ‘P’s in these titles, I know).

Things got a little backed up. As in, tightly scheduled with a wedge and a hammer. No down time, no free time.

Have you ever had things wildly scheduled so close together you’re not sure you’re going to have time to breathe?

So even with all that going on, I’m here. Because. Thoughts.

Is it true, I need to WORK WORK WORK (picture sort of matronly looking nun clapping her hands and saying chop-chop)?

Um….yeah. Who else is gonna do it?

Can you absolutely know it’s true, you need to keep at it until you drop? Are you SURE you must push past the point of neck aches and a hot meal (speaking of eating peace)?

No.

I’m remembering Byron Katie musing about sitting at her computer, looking at 200 emails, and knowing she didn’t have to answer any of them if she couldn’t or life moved in another direction.

Nothing’s actually required here.

How do you react when you think you have to stick with something until it’s finished?

Kind of like a dog who can’t let go of a bone, or a squeaky toy. Jaw lock down. Like the sound of high revolutions, the way it sounds when you push hard on the gas pedal without being in gear on a stick shift. LOUD WHIRRING. Neglecting softness.

Sigh.

I just took a spontaneous very deep breath here, as I wrote.

Who would you be without your story of chop-chop stiff-upper-lip discipline high-rev don’t-take-a-break?

I’d drink a big glass of delicious water and go to bed.

Pretty much, right now.

Ahhhhhh.

Good night.

“We are such stuff
As dreams are made on, and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep.”

~ William Shakespeare

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

Eating Peace: Powerful Questions That Can Change Everything (+ Masterclass)

The Eating Peace Masterclass on the Barriers in The Mind That Come Between Us And Eating Peace meets this evening at 5:30 pm PT OR Weds 1/11 at 8:30 am. Register here. (It’s free). You’ll receive the link to join in your Inbox. If for any reason you don’t see it delivered to you, please hit “reply” to this email and I’ll help.

You don’t have to have a heavy “eating” issue (although my focus and language will be around reaching for food) to join this class. If you get the link to join, you can unsubscribe from Eating Peace list any time by clicking on the little letters at the bottom of anything I send out (Unsubscribe/Update Your Profile).

So what do I actually mean by “barriers” to peace, or specifically barriers to eating peace?

Oh so intricate, slippery and complicated, it seems.

There are many reasons people have, often very personal, for eating off-balance or having battles with food and eating.

There are many personal reasons why people have all kinds of whacky or obsessive behavior, or do something unnatural or less-than-peaceful.

I once worked with a man who was very disturbed by his use of pornography. He paid lots of money for various sexual stimulation, all online and without any real contact with other human beings. He was incredibly lonely, even though he spent a ton of time engaged in his activity.

I’ve spoken with many people, from my years working at a cancer treatment clinic, who smoked tobacco and were so disappointed in themselves for getting addicted and continuing with their smoking for many years. They felt awful, guilty for causing their cancer, and yet really felt they couldn’t quit.

There are so many other human behaviors that involve confusion about the way we behave.

Usually, eating wars aren’t directly associated with the food itself.

I’ve mentioned “hidden” beliefs or assumptions running that make eating get out of whack. If you’re not so sure about the word “hidden” you might say they’re protective or adaptive mechanisms, to make sure you stay safe, don’t enter a threatening situation, remain comfortable, avoid the pain of suffering, avoid emptiness or despair.

The thing is, the deeper, maybe long-term reasons you eat the way you do (or whatever the behavior) is usually quite personal to your own life, even if it’s not unique as an activity or adaptation.

The barriers I’ll be sharing with everyone on the masterclass are the thoughts, generally, we think on the surface that keep us from looking under the hood at what’s fueling our compulsions.

These are attitudes like “I’m in a hurry!” or “There’s something wrong with me!”

The voices in the head that shout internally, and make sure you never “see” what you’re really nervous about in any moment where you feel….well, nervous.

I used to feel like I was SUDDENLY overcome with the urgent need to binge eat. I might have been only a little hungry, or I don’t even know what I felt (because I paid little attention to my stomach or physical sensations that meant it was time to start or stop eating).

It was super emotional: ANGER. FRUSTRATION. DESPAIR. NERVOUSNESS.

I know….I’ll get something to eat.

It was like everything locked down on eating, and I was aware of almost nothing else but the need to eat and the continued urge to eat. Then later, of course, stubborn self-hatred about what a dunce I was for eating like that.

I thought the only thing that could alleviate the pain, the cravings, the urge, the “wanting”…..was the act of eating itself, or succumbing to the cravings.

Whatever kind of crazy behavior, or unwanted behavior, you’ve engaged in….I say, there’s a very good reason for it. It doesn’t just come out of the thin blue air for absolutely no purpose.

Get below and past and through these barriers to “seeing” and you’ll be looking at an inner landscape of your reasons you personally consume.

I’ll share with you in the Eating Peace Masterclass some of the ways you can work with these common barriers, and get deeper into what’s eating you, and to stop eating.

(By the way, if you want to come on board to watch the masterclass and apply the teaching to a DIFFERENT compulsion altogether, go for it and you might find some insights into how to address your behavior).

But even if you can’t attend the masterclass at all, here’s a few wonderful questions I’ll leave with you today, if you’re curious about this conflicted inner world when it comes to some kind of activity you do that seems weird, confusing or bad for you:

  • Is there anything that frightens you about quitting your escape, comfort, pleasurable activity?
  • What’s the worst that could happen, if you no longer had this behavior to help you cope?
  • What’s dangerous about being at a normal or slender weight (if this applies to you)?
  • What’s upsetting in your mind (pictures, thoughts, scenes, memories, feelings) if you didn’t have your activity to help you forget about them?
  • Where have you felt powerless in your life, like you have no say, no control, no choice?
Each one of these questions is worth spending some time with.

The most important thing with deep investigations, with archaeological digs into the past….is to take them slowly, just like an archaeologist takes a delicate brush and tiny instruments to sweep away the dust and dirt of some precious gem buried for thousands of years.

Slowly. With compassion for yourself.

The best way to proceed with this exploration?

Write down your thoughts….notice what frightens you….

….and do The Work.

“When a child gets lost, he may feel sheer terror. It can be just as frightening when you’re lost inside the mind’s chaos. But when you enter The Work, it is possible to find order and to learn the way back home….That is how The Work functions. Once the mind is met with understanding, it can always find its way back home. There is no place where you can remain lost or confused.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

You don’t have to do it all by yourself.  (Hint, another one of the barriers is thinking you have to).

Start with only one situation you find particularly troubling, when it comes to your compulsive behavior. See what else was going on in that moment that might have sparked a reaction.

It may be very old, but you can uncover it.

Just like the Pyramids of Giza.

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

Eating Peace: What’s The Worst That Could Happen….If You STOP Eating?

New Eating Peace Masterclass on the Barriers in The Mind That Come Between Us And Eating Peace. Watch the webinar live on Tuesday 1/10 at 5:30 pm or Weds 1/11 at 8:30 am. Register here. (It’s free).

*********************

When it came to food and eating, or weight loss and getting into shape, the first place my mind always went was to the solution.

I’ll eat like “x” and avoid “y” and add this exercise to my daily routine and resist “z” and control myself and apply willpower. I read many books on nutrition and dieting, all of which had pages of information about what was happening with the cells and molecules in the body, what recipes I should follow in the kitchen, and how I should plan my day (take the stairs, not the elevator).

All of that was ridiculous, considering the actual problem was in my mind. It was in the way I viewed the world, and how I was adapting to very stressful situations.

I was full of fear, anxiety, worry, nervousness and discomfort in some areas when it came to living life….

….and the way I adapted and coped show up in the way I ate.

The way through this very agonizing dilemma?

Identify clearly your stressful beliefs and fears, and question them. Find the opposites, the turnarounds, and practice living them.

As Einstein said (paraphrased), if he had an hour to solve a problem, he’d spend 55 minutes defining and studying the problem, and five minutes “solving” it.
So I quit studying food, nutrition, and exercise and I began to wonder what was below the surface of this whole thing in the first place.
 
When I questioned my fearful assumptions about life (and eating, food and body image) and spent the majority of my focus on this issue there….I cracked open the barriers I had to freedom.

When I questioned my fearful assumptions about life (and eating, food and body image) I cracked open the barriers I had to freedom.

I still feel nervous and anxious sometimes–I still have bad dreams occasionally, or concerns and I’m not sure how to handle a situation. But turning to food to handle them, or to help me cope or comfort or support my emotional state, is not something that even occurs to me. Nothing like it once was.

To begin to understand what your blocks are to freedom from compulsive eating (or any compulsive behavior) you can start with Byron Katie’s wonderful question that invites us to see what we’re afraid of. It’s not comfortable, always. But it’s profound, and offers insight to our inner fears that can be found in no other way than by identifying them, and looking at them.

The great question?

What’s the worst that could happen?

Here’s how. (The text on the screen will vanish in 50 seconds, hang tight at the beginning if you find it distracting).

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

I should be different…..is that true, given the story I’m believing?

I should be different when it comes to “x”. What if this isn’t true, for some important reason?

It’s weird how agonizing thoughts that conflict with one another can be sometimes.

On the one hand, I know it would be great to lift weights again. It’s been a few years. You’re supposed to lift weights when you get older, right? Build calcium or something?

On the other hand, how boring can you get…..lifting weights, ugh.

I remember being in a decision dilemma about my old job.

On the one hand, I’ve got great health care benefits, awesome co-workers and boss, nice environment (there’s a fountain named Grace on the campus, how sweet is that?) and a solid paycheck every two weeks.

On the other hand, I commute every day sometimes for an hour, I don’t have enough time for my other pursuits including my business, the actual work is kind of boring.

You could go this way.

Or you could go that way.

You’re free to make the decision. You’re completely and utterly free to do as you wish.

Or…..are you?

What if you feel uncomfortable or stuck, but for some weird reason, you do NOT make a move, or make a change?

What if you’re believing an underlying stressful story, and you’re not even brightly aware of the story?

(What if all you do is attack yourself viciously….why can’t you fix this, or move on, or stop thinking about it, wake up, get a grip, CHANGE?! Jeez! Fume, fume, fume.)

But what if there are a few things to explore and dig into under the surface, things you may find a little uncomfortable to address or even “see” in the first place, that all contribute to this stuck-ness you’re experiencing?

What if there was something that yelling at yourself was hiding?

For example….eating too much.

(I know, my favorite topic, what can I say….I was a nut case for years with eating).

You know you should lose weight, you know it doesn’t serve you to binge-eat, you know you need to stop starving yourself to death and then overeating, you know you need to quit the junk food at night….

….and you might even do The Work on some of the thoughts that appear, such as “I should lose weight” or “I need to eat that food” or “I should go outside and exercise” or “I’m a loser” and find the turnarounds and notice, nothing changes.

Not that there’s anything wrong with doing The Work on those powerful and stressful beliefs.

However….your mind may be brilliantly distracting you with these first thoughts that appear. The ways to FIX this situation. It’s off the to races on what you need to do, say, think, feel in order to change this (especially the “do” part), without really looking deeply at what’s actually going on for you.

So of course, when you fall into this “FIX IT NOW” way of viewing your problem, when you have urgency and fear about your situation or condition, the weird thing is often when there are underlying beliefs that oppose the surface beliefs…..not much may change.

Fear kind of has a way of blocking things from sight. Clever energy, fear.

I speak for myself.

Some time ago, as I’ve mentioned before, I had a raging eating disorder.

Can you imagine how many times I said “I am going to stop this” (starving, overeating, binge-eating)? Yes. about a million.

It was not until someone very wise got to know me, and cared about me, and suggested I might be adapting to something completely different that had nothing to do with food and eating….that I began to consider what it was like to be close with people.

What was I afraid of, that overrode the desire to stop the insane cycle of eating the way I did?

What was the worst that could happen, if I DID stop binge-eating?

You might ask yourself a similar question, even if you don’t have an eating issue: What’s the WORST that could happen if I quit my job, do what I want to do, leave home, start a business, go to the gym, write every day, lose weight, quit drinking coffee?

But those things are all soooooo wonderful. I should do them, it will be good for me, I’ll succeed.

Are you absolutely sure?

Long ago, I discovered that I was actually nauseated to confront someone in my group therapy and tell the truth and speak directly to them about what I wasn’t comfortable with. If someone confronts me, I still feel anxious initially, even now.

If someone says what they don’t like, and I’ve done it, I feel terrified of disappointing them. I feel frightened they’ll attack me, or slink away and never talk with me again.

I was so very committed to NOT BEING A DISRUPTIVE or MEAN or UNLIKABLE or REJECTABLE person, I would do anything, including not actually have friends and eat in secret instead.

Anything to avoid being dismissed or disliked. Anything to get rid of anger and rage (overeating really helped, and vomiting too). Anything to slip under the radar of the judgments of others (namely, mom, dad, grandparents). Anything to stay as safe as possible, in an unsafe, judging world.

Including risk my life by stuffing myself with food and forcing myself to vomit or exercise like a maniac.

You might not have such an extreme case of avoidant beliefs, but if you have something you keep repeating, or don’t act upon, or don’t do even though you know you’d feel happier (you think) or some way you procrastinate, hurt yourself, avoid action….

….there may be a very important frightening story you’d kinda sorta rather not look at, if you please.

But looking will make all the difference.

Not long ago, I realized I have been carrying the thought around “if I stop and slow down, it could be dangerous (money loss, failure, boredom, lack of creativity, fading into oblivion). So I really need to keep up this pace and work all the time. No extra meditations. No reading for pleasure. No netflix. No movies. Morning coffee required.

Who would I be without that story?

“Your suffering may be caused by a thought that interprets what happened, rather than the thought you wrote down….When your statement is about something you think you don’t want, read it and imagine the worst outcome that reality could hand you. Imagine your worst fears lived out on paper. Be thorough. Take it to the limit.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is 

This work is not always easy. I notice, there’s sometimes initial resistance and refusal inside me to want to look.

It’s like…..NOOOOOOOOO.

And then, when there’s no other alternative (there isn’t, unless I prefer to suffer)…..The Work.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. One spot just opened up in the Eating Peace Retreat–a cancellation. If eating, food or your body image is one of your dilemmas, we’re going in to find out what we’re believing, and what’s really true. Join me January 19-22 in Seattle. To find out more, visit here.

 

P.P.S. If money is a problem, I’m doing a 4 week money class by donation. To read about it and to sign up, visit here.

Posted on

Eating Peace: A shorter time to peace than you think

Learning new video recording technology–my message today starts with literally one or two seconds of darkness and a black and white screen….moving into color.

And isn’t that also what the message is all about.

Your movement to peace can take literally seconds, beginning with this moment slowing something deep within you down, no matter what your mind is thinking or what your feelings are.

When you slow movement and action down, you become more still, quiet, deliberate, relaxed…..peaceful. And what happens with your life is a little like what happens when Dorothy lands in Oz. Life becomes more colorful, less dramatic and serious.

A long, long time ago, I sat in a 12 Step Meeting and someone shared with me at the end this same message I speak of in the video today.

I never forgot it.

Much love, Grace

Posted on

Freedom from your ideas, nothing is impossible (stress-free Resolutions)

nothing required for the stream to be happy

A client said to me yesterday, rolling her eyes….

….”this time of year, everyone’s assessing and thinking about their goals and year-end reflections and resolutions. Ugh.”

I could tell she was irritated at some of the ideas in her mind.

Goals.

What does the word conjure in your mind?

Many of us have completely thrown away all planning, striving for goals, setting goals, dreaming of some achievement out there in the future somewhere….

….and still….

….thoughts arise with scenes of what could be, what I might walk towards (even if I’m not running anymore), what I’d prefer, a hope for that wonderful vision to become realized.

When you have a dream of where you’d like to go or what you hope to achieve, do you feel stress? Does it make you want to roll your eyes?

I remember having goals in my past.

Long ago, when I was in my later teens and throughout my twenties, if you asked me at any time, in almost any situation, any moment of day, in the company of absolutely anyone (although I might not speak it out loud)….

….what my greatest dream, hope, goal, or longing was….

….I would say “to stop being crazy with food”.

Well, OK, honestly at age 14 (when I went on my first diet) my dream was to be thin. I wanted to be skinny and svelte. THEN after several years of that, I only dreamed of stopping the war with eating.

Be thin. Never overeat. Get control of the wild appetite.

As I grew older, the vision was not so much to be skinny, but to feel relaxed with food….although I would say it always included Not Craving, not obsessing, not thinking or re-thinking what I ate or would later eat.

Then being thin and ending obsession with food faded away (with deep help from therapists, groups, and clarity with emotions and relationships and no longer trying to be skinny all the time)….

….and instead I really wanted to be happy with money.

I wanted to feel like there was enough, I was satisfied and cared for, safe and secure.

Then….I wanted a mate, a close companion, a partner in life to live with and share adventures with.

And then….yet another vision to “work” towards.

Enlightenment.

For some reason, even though it’s so human, I feel a little embarrassed to speak of these goals, visions, dreams or hopes.

They aren’t very unique.

It seems like everyone wants these things in this culture I live in.

Here is so….scary, sad, disappointing, or boring.

Over there is better. In the future.

Is that true?

Oh surely, if I had 10 million dollars I’d be excited and happy. Wealth. Perfect health. Love.

Although…can I really absolutely know I’d be happy in every way, for the rest of my life, and never worry again if I had these things?

No.

Who are you when you believe reaching that goal (you know the one) would mean you could feel happy?

Constantly pushing, reaching, grabbing, wanting, and waiting to be happy….later.

Who would I be without the belief I need to earn double my income this upcoming year? Or lose 30 pounds? Or get married? Or get divorced? Or live in a different town? Or win the Olympic Gold medal? Or resolve that relationship. Or have a mind-blowing self-realization?

Right here now, without any thought that something needs to happen later, in the future, in order for you to be happy?

I notice it doesn’t mean I don’t naturally move in the direction of a vision, or an accomplishment….

….but there’s no stress. 

It’s a weird paradoxical thing.

I don’t need anything to change right now, I don’t need this other condition this instant.

If that other state was not required for happiness (thinness, money, pain-free, health like x, partner like y, mind like z) what would THIS moment be like, right now?

Interesting. Strange. Wonderful. Amazing. Taking everything in. Noticing. Being here. No matter what the outside circumstances or condition.

How bizarre this is, to have it be OK to be the way it really is, right now.

So for example, with the endless goal I lived with for years (thinness, absence of eating battles) without the belief I needed to be thinner in order to be happy, I would have been brought to the present moment.

Sometimes the present moment required eating, sometimes it did not. Happy either way. Happy with the Way of It.

“The mark of a moderate human is freedom from his own ideas. Tolerant like the sky, all-pervading like sunlight, firm like a mountain, supple like a tree in the wind, he has no destination in view and makes use of anything life happens to bring his way. Nothing is impossible for him.” ~ Tao Te Ching #59

Ahhhhhh.

A way to be with all situations, even this thing called envisioning “goals”.

Turning it around: it is not necessary, that way of being or thing or condition I must have, in order to be happy. It is not necessary to be thin to be happy. It is not necessary to be rich to be happy. It is not necessary to have a relationship to be happy. It is not necessary to be self-realized to be happy.

Not having anything be necessary for happiness IS self-realization.

Oh!

Ha ha.

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

I don’t have enough time!

Have you ever had the thought there isn’t enough time?

It’s almost laughable to ask the question, I know. It seems to be a common thought. Even children say “I didn’t have enough time!” to finish their homework, clean their room, watch a favorite show, play with their best friend.

It’s a complaint, a reason to be upset.

The other day, I was working with a client who was so frustrated with going to work. Spending time at a job she felt sure she didn’t like.

The thing is, when you have this kind of thought, about absolutely anything–and there’s not enough TIME–you feel like you’re in prison, or trying to achieve something impossible.

I need to get “x” done. I need to choose what I’m doing all day long (and if someone else tells me to complete a task, I’m on THEIR time, not mine). I need to check off all the boxes on my list. I need to buy all the presents. I have to go to the gym. I must clean my house.

Oh the list!

I need MORE time!

Like it’s so scarce and limited, since we’re packing it all in, and the mind screams for more. Have you ever heard people say they wish there were more than 24 hours in a day? Kind of funny. As if that would help this dilemma.

As I sat with the client I was working with, I loved opening up to the concept of time, even more than I have in the past when questioning stressful beliefs about it.

Is it “mine”? This “time” I’m thinking I need more of?

Is it really better to be doing whatever I want, vs what someone else asks? Am I sure what I want is what’s best for me, for the world? Am I positive what they want, isn’t what I want?

Do I really need to finish this list, in order to be happy? Or skip lunch, or meditation hour?

I’ve had so many thoughts in the past, very repetitive, about “time” and what should be accomplished in it. Success, accumulation of money or savings, cleaning, transporting people (kids, myself) from here to there, learning, buying, improving, errands, gaining, achieving, changing….even getting enlightened. I need to have these things “done” and THEN I’ll be happy!!

But who would you be without any thought whatsoever that you need more time, you don’t have enough time, that time is limited, that time is the stepping stone from here (not so great) to there (much better)?

What if nothing is required, in order to be happy?

For some reason, the whole thing makes me laugh. The mind comes in with its ideas about the passage of time and the accumulation of time and almost immediately the thought there’s not enough. (I need to live LONGER…right?)

Who would I be, what would I be, without my conditions or thoughts or complaints about time?

Turning the thought around: I do not need more time. Not in this moment “now”. The whole entire future is unknown and mysterious. The past is a bunch of images and memories and replays at this point. In this NOW moment, I don’t need more as I’m simply pulsing with life, doing what I do, being here.

The client I was working with then noticed a most lovely thing, in the middle of turning her thoughts around about time:

What is this “I” that apparently thinks it needs more time?

Only the mind imagines a need for more.

The inner “I”, or “I am” has nowhere to go and nothing to do. It is itself, being alive, already. It’s just….here.

Does your very force of life need to go out and make sure you complete all your tasks today to “get ready” for whatever is coming in the future?

No.

And it doesn’t mean you won’t move towards the car with your keys in hand to head off to acquire something.

But you don’t have to be in charge. You don’t have to get it done. You don’t need it to be different in order to be happy. You’ve made friends with the universe and reality and what is (even if your mind isn’t so sure).

You are free to be simply alive, no “more” time required.

“I follow the way of it, which is always revealed in the moment. It’s God’s will, and it’s always crystal clear. When you no longer have a will of your own, there is no time and space. It all becomes a flow. You don’t decide, you flow from one happening to the next, and everything is decided for you.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy #68

Much love,

Grace