A beautiful inquirer did The Work recently with me on being hit by her mother when growing up.
Sometimes these moments containing violence seem too awful.
The mind gets set off into shock, defense, anger, justification even with the first question of The Work “Is it true?”
Yes, it was true! I had the bruises and pain to show for it. It was terrible suffering. No one should have to go through that.
First, to do The Work on these painful memories and experiences, it is helpful to realize that right now, in this current moment….
….you survived. You’re a survivor.
You are here now, supported, in a quiet room perhaps, living your daily life going to work, having conversations, reflecting on your inner life, taking a walk, sleeping in a bed, sitting in a chair, living.
The thing, the event, the terrible moment unfolded and came to an end. Even if it repeated itself over several years, it’s actually helpful to really wonder how many times it happened? Every week? For how many years? Until what age?
Sometimes people discover, as I did….Oh. I remember only 5 times when extreme anger was shown. Five times in my entire childhood. Or, with mean words and critical speaking….maybe it was only every so often, maybe once a month for ten years, which is 120 sentences spoken in criticism.
Even if you feel like every single time you were in the presence of that person (the violent one, the critical one, the hurtful one) you got hurt…..you might notice there were many minutes of life spent outside of their presence. You were at school, with a friend, playing sports, walking home from school, sleeping. There was space outside of contact with violence.
And even more powerful….it ended at some point and never repeated again.
I love we can go back in time and clean up those past experiences that hurt so bad. Clean up the troubled perspective, the resentment and suffering.
So today, if you have something you remember and you feel horrible about it, angry or upset, let’s do The Work.
“It shouldn’t have happened”.
Is it true?
Yes. It was frightening, awful, there was no purpose for it.
Are you absolutely sure it shouldn’t have happened?
Yikes. YES!! (It’s always OK to answer yes again, no right or wrong way to answer).
But now, after doing The Work for awhile, I’m not so sure what happened in the past shouldn’t ever have happened. I can’t say “yes, it definitely shouldn’t have happened” even about very tough experiences.
How do you react when you think “It shouldn’t have happened”?
Rage. Resistance. Drinking. Eating. Escape. Dreams of leaving town forever.
Who would you be without this thought that it shouldn’t have happened?
Weird, right?
It never means you deserved it, you condone it, you’re in favor of violence.
Just without the thought, what would you be like, feel like, live like?
Even in only one moment.
Because it’s just a thought now.
As the friend doing inquiry said, she wouldn’t shut down and go numb, she’d maybe get up and go out for a walk, even as a kid. She’d stop wishing her mother was different. She’d notice she knows what a loving mother would be like, and she could give this to herself….now.
Turning it around: it should have happened.
Wow, kind of strange to find this with something violent, but the idea is only to open up to examples, even the tiniest examples, of what advantage might have come out of that terrible experience?
This inquirer was amazing. She found the following advantages:
- I learned detachment (some monks practice this for years and years in monasteries)
- I was keenly aware of what love would look like: a hug, support, caring about my inner world, asking me how I feel, and I can do this for myself now
- I went on to accomplishments, like university, that I might never have done without my mother’s pushing and forceful ideas
- I was great at dissociating, it didn’t feel like I was in my body (and this was favorable at the time)
- I became aware of the power of great discipline, and can add love to it now, too–not overly-permissible love that has no energy or accomplishment, but razor sharp love that has action and fire in it
And even if you can’t find good reasons for the thing to have occurred in your life….I do love noticing that despite your mind that might have been repeating the memory over and over and feeling bad about that situation or relationship for years….the actual event is indeed over.
Reality was kind. Kinder than perhaps your own mind with its replay button continuously revisiting that experience.
Fortunately, with The Work, you might actually visit that experience once and for all, head on, rather than having the memory scream at you for attention at odd and uncomfortable moments.
When you do this work, witnessing that hard time out in the open (and wonderful to do it with someone else facilitating if you can) you can clearly find all the concepts that were born at that time that no longer serve you.
Then, you can investigate. So your mind can stop hitting the repeat, replay, revisit buttons, and respond in a new powerful way.
In the case of the friend doing The Work, she made a list of what a loving mother behaves like. She had all the wisdom inside her.
She can notice, if she hesitates to live these powerful loving turnarounds, there may be a little more inquiry to do.
But one thing’s for sure; The loving mother is available….right here within.
“You know what I love about the past? It’s over.” ~ Byron Katie
“A thought without belief has no power. A thought with belief can start a war, or heal a nation’s pain….All the power, wisdom and ability is in you….We use thoughts, but if you take them all as The Truth, they become poison. You are greater than ANY thought. You are before thought.” ~ Mooji
Much love,
Grace