Category: Sexuality

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Money and Sexuality Teleclasses Start Next Week

Next week two teleclasses begin: One on Money and many threads that relate to Money and the opposing or uncomfortable beliefs we have about it.

The other on Sexuality and all those thoughts that are most nerve-wracking or frightening or frustrating about THAT topic.

If you’re interested in either one click over to the teleclasses page. You can click on any teleclass page to read all about it.

Both Money and Sexuality are considered very sensitive issues. As in, so sensitive, you may not want to discuss them. Or hear other people discuss them.

It’s like there are certain codes socially that we may find ourselves automatically following, without even questioning whether they are true:

  • never say how much money you make to anyone, especially close friends or family
  • don’t talk about your attractions to other people, it causes trouble
  • don’t ask questions about sexuality, or express concerns—you’ll be embarrassed
  • if you’ve ever owed a lot of money, make sure to keep a lid on that information (people will judge you as a loser)
  • if you’ve ever had a difficult or violent sexual encounter, don’t tell anyone
  • if you’ve been in a troubling financial or sexual situation, there might be something wrong with you
  • don’t do business with friends or family, people get upset and it could ruin the relationship for life
  • if you make a lot of money or enjoy a lot of physical pleasure, people will get jealous, criticize you, feel envious, or think you are undeserving….so keep that under wraps
  • don’t talk about the details of your sexual encounters! Ewww!

I notice that people feel pretty nervous sometimes when we all gather together to identify our most troubling beliefs about Money, Work and Business OR Sexuality.

There are so many assumptions to move through, just to even be able to say your beliefs about these topics out loud! Yikes!

But as someone said recently….it’s so worth it.

Step Number One of The Work is seeing what you’re believing under the surface. These are the thoughts that you think, based on your past experience, that color how you look at your relationship with money, at how you feel about sexual feelings, attractive people, desire, or acquiring things with money, selling things, receiving money, earning money.

Step One is identifying your most upsetting beliefs. Good news: it’s not very difficult to find them.

They are there, often right in front of us in our heads (and felt in our bodies) when we have a stressful experience around one of these topics.

Something happens, and we feel worried, frustrated, anxious.

Our minds start running. These stressful thoughts are the petty, childish, embarrassing, judgmental, bitter, critical, mean, defensive, angry thoughts that are all there anyway, hanging back in the shadows.

They come out when we think we’re in danger, or threatened, or afraid that some past experience will repeat itself.

One of my most favorite discoveries in my life has been the numerous times I’ve found that telling the whole truth, asking all my questions, exposing my inner thoughts….has led to enormous freedom.

Who would you be without the thought that you shouldn’t talk about money or sex, for the danger of other people judging you, or other people behaving with uncertainty, or other people being upset, or feeling rejected?

Who would you be without the thought that you need to be quiet on these topics?

I found that when I didn’t force myself to keep thoughts about money or sexuality hidden, when I wasn’t frightened of my own thinking…..then I could use the thoughts, the issues, the beliefs I have had about these topics to become enlightened.

These areas of life offered amazing areas of investigation, for me to find out what was really true for me, to feel the peace and unconditional love available to anyone.

Who would you be without the thought that you have to hide, avoid, push away, or destroy your thinking or memories around these subjects?

You may find it’s safe to talk about them and investigate them, and a weight that has been on your mind (or physically on your body) becomes much lighter.

You may find that in your investigation and in your safety that other areas of your life, that have nothing to do with money or sexuality, become more clear, loving, and easy.

“There’s no intimacy when we’re in fear and there’s no love when we’re in fear…..it’s there, it’s just that our awareness of it is broken. So we experience this separateness. So what I invite people to do is to identify when they’re stressed out and look at their relationship, you know love and sex and what we’re all talking about here in this particular time together. We look at what we’re believing about our partner, and that either turns us off or it turns us on, physically.” ~ Byron Katie 

Finding out what you’re thinking about money or sexuality, for me, has been finding out what I fear and what I love.

What turns me on, or turns me off…with working, loving, spending, giving, receiving, being, conversing, connecting…finding out what I am believing is an amazing journey!

Come join other inquirers in exploring your thoughts and beliefs, what you have learned, observed, repeated to yourself, worried about, feared…..and see what can happen.

You may be surprised.

Who would you be without your stories around money, attraction, promotion, receiving, giving?

Who would you be if you felt joy, happiness, simplicity, love, health and ease with money or with sexuality?

“Not-knowing is true knowledge. Presuming to know is a disease. First realize that you are sick; then you can move toward health. The Master is her own physician. She has healed herself of all knowing. Thus she is truly whole.” ~ Tao Te Ching #71 

Money Teleclass: July 11-Aug 29, 5:15-6:45 pm PT, 8 weeks
Sexuality Teleclass: July 12-Aug 30, Noon-1:30 pm PT, 8 weeks

Freedom To Speak
“Thanks to all of you for such a wonderful teleclass and the freedom to speak about sex as if I was talking about a nose or arm, how cool that we have this time together…and thank you Grace for having the foresight to bring this topic to the open space of presence for us to question it.” ~ Tanya, teleclass participant

Marketing Became Easy 
“Through Grace and her class, I confronted my issues with marketing my business with patience, ease and self-compassion. She helped me open up to all my fears and depression over this issue and move beyond that without pressure and impatience. I learned so much from this course. I highly recommend it. It helped me understand that real freedom is not a how-to-do-it job. It is through being with myself as I am that I can find all the love and enthusiasm I relish from life. Results came out of who I was being, not in doing it “right” or through effort.”- Ben, teleclass participant

Love, Grace

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Guys Wanted Bad

I am laughing at the subject line. Hilarious! But I promised the one wonderful guy in my Sexuality class that I would beat the bushes for another male participant.

One spot left before our second class meets on Tuesday evening Pacific time via telephone! Anyone can catch up by listening to the first class recording. You will be welcomed in with open arms. All for exploring your icky thoughts that are not fun to think.

And meanwhile, back at the ranch. Speaking of WANTING BAD….

Doesn’t that just about sum up one of the major human life dilemmas? I waaaaannnnnttttt it. Really bad.

Recently, I’ve been reminded of how intense the experience of WANTING can be forparents. I’ve had probably 4 clients in the past week work on a deeply similar thought: I want my kid to succeed. I don’t want my kid to feel bad. 

Being a parent myself, I know how badly we can want when it comes to kids.

  • I want her to get good grades
  • I want him to clean his room
  • I want them to be kind and thoughtful
  • I want him to be excited and passionate about learning
  • I want her to excel at ___________ (sports, classes, art, drama, language, etc)
  • I want them to be upstanding citizens
  • I want her to love herself

Parenting another human carries such weight, responsibility, hope, energy, fear…and HOPE! Did I say hope?

We think of ourselves that we need to be strong, excellent, incredible parents who are stellar role models of brilliance!

Our kids don’t always do what we want them to do. They might even “fail” the usual system. These kids might have other ideas, their own desires and interests, their own new way of doing something.

In fact, doing things in a new, innovative, unusual way might secretly be what we would really, really want for them….and for ourselves.

But gosh, that’s entering the unknown. I’m not sure it will work!

This raising a kid thing has to WORK. Meaning, I have to successfully help navigate this child towards THEM being incredible stellar models of brilliance!

They have to turn out GOOD. Otherwise….I’M A TERRIBLE MOTHER.

I must be vigilant!

Wow. So much hanging on the “success” of these creatures under our care. We see these conditions we place on them, and discover that it doesn’t quite feel like wide open love.

My daughter was having a terrible time in school. She was tested. Not enough of a gap between intelligence and skill. No special ed supplied. But she couldn’t read. She was recorded as “three years behind” her grade level.

I did the Work a lot on schools, the inadequacies of the schools, the need to actually go through school in order to learn something. After questioning stressful beliefs, my daughter I realize could try many options, and I knew the schools weren’t bad, and knew that they are full of amazing helpful people AND she doesn’t actually need to go to any of them.

And then I questioned the concept “my daughter needs to read”.

I mean, that just seemed so true! She not only needs to read, she needs to succeed in school, GO to school, and go to college….otherwise she’ll be a waitress for the rest of her life.

Or worse!!

Everyone who is anywhere wants children to read! Everyone knows it is best, this is just basic square one rudimentary stuff of life. How could anyone be happy or successful without reading?

And by the way, while we’re at it…videos, computers, gaming, movies, talking, listening, iphones, cell phones, shows, anything observed by sight that you passively sit back and relax and take in….these are NOT as good as reading.

Reading is better.

Is that absolutely true?

I notice after doing The Work for awhile on this and related ideas, I stopped worrying about all that. I didn’t stop caring. I just accepted that the structure to thrive was going to look really different than I had previously imagined.

My daughter started going to a little itsy bitsy alternative private school. She’s been there for awhile now.

In the past I would have been afraid of this crazy, alternative school.

Bunch of weirdos!

But that was several years ago. I stopped having a panic attack about my daughter and her reading. I continued to question my thinking. It seemed like I was the one who calmed down, not her.

Yesterday, my daughter came through the door breathing with excitement, with a pile of books from the library. She said “mom, you gotta hear this!” She threw down the pile on the table and opened one of them, hunting for the right page…..

“Listen to this book we’re reading in my class!” she said.

And she read out loud to me…..several paragraphs, with speed, clarity, articulation, excitement, laughter.

“Isn’t that funny?!” she said as she looked up.

My eyes were brimming with tears. I had forgotten about that “reading” problem, for quite awhile now. I had stopped wanting her to read. And this is what happened.

“If you want to shrink something, you must first allow it to expand. If you want to get rid of something, you must first allow it to flourish. If you want to take something, you mus first allow it to be given. This is called the subtle perception of the way things are. The soft overcomes the hard. The slow overcomes the fast. Let your workings remain a mystery. Just show people the results.”~Tao Te Ching #36

Yes, that’s pretty funny.

Love, Grace

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I Get Mail About My Intimacy Class

You’ll notice I didn’t use the words, “sexuality class” in the subject line. That’s because the spam filters will sometimes block e-mails with those kinds of “bad” titles and nasty words. The word “intimate” is more innocuous and acceptable.

And speaking of THAT CLASS…here’s a note from a guy who’s taken it before. It sums up what I like so much about this amazing class (which is starting on Tuesday at 6:30 Pacific time).

————-

Hi Grace,

Here’s why I’m taking your sexuality teleclasses again.

For one thing, I just like being in a class that I’ve committed to, because I know how sneaky my mind can be.

By being in the class, I’m doing what I really WANT, instead of believing it when my mind says, “I don’t have time,” or, “I don’t want to bother with this today…another day would definitely be better.”

And I’m amazed how often I think these thoughts just before doing The Work…as my mind looks for an escape hatch…but afterward I’m so grateful…and this happens time after time after time.

Another reason is that doing The Work in a group continues to diffuse the charge on ALL the sexual topics…hearing “the words” said out loud and hearing other people saying my exact same thoughts.

I feel my body relax when I hear other talk about how they react (Question 3) and it reminds me of places in me I hadn’t thought of, or that I was trying to keep at bay and under wraps.

Actually, I’ve thought about it a lot…that what we share and drop into in just a few minutes on these teleclasses, is what used to take me years…of getting to know someone…and then sending out feelers for a while to see if it’s safe…and only THEN getting to the stuff I protect and keep in the deep dark recesses of my hidden mind.

And during the classes, I continue to progressively relax and it seems to get even better as the weeks go by and we “break the ice”…the people become friends after we’ve all had the guts to actually SAY what (awful, horrible, despicable) things really go on in our heads instead of trying to look good or hide.

It’s such a relief.

And I see myself just being more open and hiding less in my daily life with “ordinary” people (who seem to be getting nicer, more open, smarter, friendlier, and more receptive).

Also, I have two friends from a teleclass about 2 years ago, and we’ve continued to do The Work almost every week since then. Our trust level has deepened and we’ve learned about each other’s lives and offer quick e-mails of support and sharing during the week. That was another gift I never planned on.

But it isn’t just sexuality issues that have changed. I feel better about my body, the way it works, the way it responds, and have dropped judgments that I wasn’t aware of until I realize they’re just not there anymore…harsh judgments of both others and myself.

I also notice how the “sexuality issues” are almost never really about sexuality…it’s about expectations, needing and wanting approval, anxiety relief, believing how other people

SHOULD be, how I should feel…the usual suspects!

One specific example I loved seeing during the last session was thinking back to being with my partner and wanting her to initiate sex…but of course, I didn’t say anything that night, I was just lying in bed, facing the other direction, arms crossed, pissed, resentful, pouting, and stubborn as a mule.

And when she unexpectedly started moving toward me, both emotionally and sexually, I was so far down the road of resentment that I said I didn’t want to! Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face.

But now, I can just laugh and be kind to myself in seeing how I was innocent and didn’t have the tools at the time…instead of bringing out the hair shirt and whip to punish myself for yet ANOTHER emotionally stunted response.

Day by day, I’m gentler with myself.

Another thing I’m grateful for is a great friend who’s a straight guy who DOESN’T do The Work…yet our relationship has deepened so much since doing the first sexuality class.

Now I tell him all about what I’m noticing and we talk about all sorts of sexuality issues. I’ve never had another man to talk to on this level of intimacy.

Frankly, we’re both astonished, yet it seems so normal and ordinary…another unexpected, precious gift.

Sometimes I try to figure out what it is that makes The Work, actually work. My best “analysis” is it’s a combination of opening and shining light on our hidden world, catharsis, intellectual understanding, sharing in the presence of another, honesty, truth, actually feeling our bodies and emotions, seeing our thoughts and images as just thoughts and images, educating our minds, learning to love each other and ourselves.

In other words, all of the above and a bunch of other things I’m sure I don’t notice. But really, I don’t really know or need to know I just keep doing it and noticing.

So thanks for doing what you’re doing with these classes…and how you share yourself too, just like the example in your “Grace-Notes” e-mail about the strip club a couple days ago. That was revealing and pretty funny!

We’re ALL so funny…weird and wonderful.

Much love,

Jack

I loved this letter, so thorough, so thoughtful. If you’re wanting to join a group, we’ve got the Sexuality class starting on Tuesday…then All About Earning Money–Money, Work, and Business starting Feb. 4th, and Relationships starting at the end of March.

We’ve got a fantastic co-facilitated in-person workshop at the end of June, only 4 months away, on the body. Food, eating, embarrassment, aging, our appearance, aches and pains. All of these are pathways to awareness! Come do The Work!

Love, Grace

Learn About Teleclasses Here

Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.

  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: Untangling the Passion, Attraction, Love, Past Terrors, Future Worries, Fear, Confusion, Tenderness, and Joyful Intimacy. Tuesdays, January 22 – March 12, 2013, 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29-May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.

In Person workshops:
Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June 2013! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.  

 

Work With Grace - Byron Katie Coach 

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You Should Be Attracted

Yesterday I wrote about the dreaded experience of someone saying “you’re not my type!”

But in our human experience, we also notice great angst when we we think we SHOULD be attracted to someone when we are, in fact, not.

An amazing client working with me in my starting days as a facilitator came to me in excruciating emotional pain. She was leaving her husband of 20 years. She had tried, and tried and tried to feel attracted to him, to no avail.

It can feel like being forced to eat some kind of lousy tasting food when we are not even hungry (although I’ve had this experience, too, but that’s another topic!)

Or like being forced to wear a jacket when we’re already too hot. Suffocating.

That Dictator Voice will come in and demand change of you. Not only should you be attracted, but you should be attracted 85% of the time, if you are in a long-term committed relationship. You should desire physical contact, and you should be grateful and nice.

Your partner is so kind, steady, thoughtful, or such a good provider. Can’t you just FIND IT? COME ON!!

You used to think he was hot, and he still thinks YOU are hot, so this is simply unfair, wrong, and unreasonable. It’s the least you could do.

If the truth is going to hurt someone, then you should keep your mouth shut.

The problem is, the pressure becomes like an underwater boiling lake ready to burst up like geysers through the surface.

The woman I was working with began at some point to simply avoid sitting around at home. She avoided conversation, she avoided confrontation, she got really busy with laundry, tasks, work…she avoided her husband’s anger, sadness, and the terrible guilt.

Years can go by for people in this predicament, where no one actually says anything and no one knows how to make a change.

A simple way to get out (and I know it’s not really simple) is to become interested in someone else. A new attraction.

Another way, is Inquiry.

And heck, you can mix ’em up together if that’s the way of it. The way of Reality is any or all of it, I notice.

What do you notice happening when you do not connect with what is true for you, in this moment, and acknowledge it somehow? What happens when you start putting up with stuff you don’t really like? Or feeling trapped?

  • the truth will hurt my partner
  • I should never hurt anyone
  • if my partner knew my thoughts, she would feel rejected
  • I should never reject anyone
  • if my partner knew of my lack of attraction to him, he would be angry
  • I should never make anyone feel angry
  • if my partner knew how I’m not that interested, she would be desperately sad
  • I should never make anyone that sad

You shouldn’t make anyone, ever, feel bad. Bad feelings are terrible. YOU can MAKE someone feel them, if you don’t watch out. They can make you feel bad, too.

IS THAT TRUE? 

Hmmm. It seems true. Ever since I was a kid. My dad made me sad, my mom made me angry, my grandparents made me scared, my sisters made me upset.

How do I react when I believe this thought, that other people can make me feel bad, and that I can make other people feel bad?

Very, very careful. Very. Careful. I smile a lot. I’m nice. I laugh when it’s not funny.

Who or What would I be without the thought that anyone can make anyone else feel bad?

Like a tree.

Still on the inside. Looking. Kind of excited. Alive. Buzzing, humming. Free. No matter who is around.

I would hear words coming out of someone, like “I don’t want to talk to you” or “I am crushed by what you’ve just said” and I would have a spark of trust that all is OK anyway. Even if hurt feelings are present.

“In the moment I see you as ugly, I am ugly….It is the moment my mind attacks you. In that moment “ugly” has entered my world. No one can hurt me, that’s my job. In the moment I see you as terrible and unkind, in that moment, my life becomes unkind. It can never, ever be what you say that hurts me, it’s what I think about you that is hurting me.”~Byron Katie

When I think it’s ME who is the hurtful one, and I feel upset…I pause, I breathe, I remember that I can be filled with loving kindness even though I am saying something that is distressing someone else.

In the moment I see you as vulnerable and hurt, I am vulnerable and hurt. In the moment I see you as needing to be protected from the truth, I see how much I want to be protected from the truth.

I turn the thoughts around, that bad feelings can be made and that they are terrible and awful and should always be avoided:

  • not telling the truth will hurt my partner, not telling the truth will hurt me, telling the truth will heal my partner and heal me
  • rejection is not terrible, rejection is full of learning, rejection is freeing
  • anger is love and care with a few rockets attached to it, it’s strong, it fades, we survive it
  • not being interested is a relief, a message, a joy, not a problem

Living in the turnarounds, I find everything moves and changes, feelings shift and come and go.

Nothing is guaranteed. Attracted, repulsion, towards, away.

Reality changes, reality is never fixed, reality moves.

“Life moves, undulates, breathes in and out, contracting and expanding. This is its nature, the nature of what is. Whatever is, is on the move. Nothing remains the same for very long. The mind wants everything to stop so that it can get its foothold, find its position, so it can figure out how to control life. Through the pursuit of material things, knowledge, ideas, beliefs, opinions, emotional states, spiritual states, and relationships, the mind seeks to find a secure position from which to operate. The mind seeks to nail life down and get it to stop moving and changing.”~Adyashanti

If you find you are NOT attracted anymore to someone, and think you should be, Our Wonderful Sexuality is a wonderful place to be. We look at all angles and aspects of relationship through our past. We start next Tuesday evening 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. Only a few spots left…join us!

Love, Grace

Learn About Teleclasses Here

Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.

  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: Untangling the Passion, Attraction, Love, Past Terrors, Future Worries, Fear, Confusion, Tenderness, and Joyful Intimacy. Tuesdays, January 22 – March 12, 2013, 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29-May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.

In Person workshops:
Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June 2013! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.  

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All You Have To Do Is Sit There And Watch

Last Friday the very first class of Our Wonderful Sexuality. A fantastic group, and one more person could come on board before the second class (and listen to the recording of our first one, to catch up). After that, it’s closed.

Sexuality is a very big, intense and emotional topic for many. It sure used to be for me.

I have written down my thoughts on every kind of repulsive person or experience I’ve ever learned about, heard of, or been involved in myself that related in any way to sexual expression.

It’s amazing the way the mind will dictate what it thinks is True when it comes to romantic love:

  • I need her love
  • I want his love
  • They are so happy together, they must have a wonderful sexual relationship
  • That couple is unhappy, non-sexual….it’s sad
  • She hasn’t had a good sexual relationship with anyone in “x” years, how horrible!
  • He is sexual with a new person every week, how disgusting!
  • People who are in committed relationships should never flirt with or be attracted to anyone else
  • Feeling sexual feelings is dangerous unless both people are available for a relationship

Epic stories, novels, movies, the great myths of human history often include one person’s passion for another….and the consequences of having that passion.

Destruction! Intrigue! Pain! Agony! Betrayal! Jealousy! Abandonment!

In the name of love and romance, people have murdered, gone crazy, killed themselves, have unplanned children, vanished without a trace, become depressed for years.

Shakespeare is one of the great writers of such human stories, and the Greeks. Gods, goddesses, humans, royalty….the greatest leaders changing the course of history because of lust, passion, envy.

No wonder, with such evidence of pain resulting from this feeling of sexuality inside us, we’re suspicious of the very feelings of being attracted to anyone or anything.

But as Katie once said to me directly “How do you know you’re supposed to be feeling what you’re feeling? You are!” Well, she was actually referring to my anger. Which I was judging as HORRIBLE and like I needed to get rid of it ASAP.

But we feel the same about our sexual feelings: I must get rid of this. In fact, for many humans, BIG FEELINGS OF ANY KIND are suspect. Great grief, great rage, great terror often have the accompanying thought “this feeling must stop”.

The mind begins to analyze it and problem solve. HOW do I get rid of this? I can distract myself, I can fix myself, I can suppress this. And of course, one way we imagine getting rid of a big powerful feeling is to actually satisfy it…express it.

Break something if you’re mad, hit something, jump up an down! Shriek and cry, wail, scream if you’re full of grief. Run for your life, hide, get away from the source of fear if you’re terrified. And if you really WANT something, then get it, ingest it, consume it, smoke it, drink it, or engage in sexual contact…like if you’re hungry, you then look for food to eat.

If any feeling is acceptable to feel without DOING something, however, then a different route can be taken. I can be curious, open, and allow it to be here.

There is nothing so amazing to me as when I learned that as I quit smoking….the desire to smoke actually dissolved. The craving would come, but not following it or taking it seriously (and yet also not crushing it down) I could ask myself what else was going on?

And what about the unbelievably strong desire to binge-eat, that would feel like it was taking over my whole psyche and personality like being possessed or something? Could I drop the thought that I would not be satisfied until I ate something?

What was going on in those moments of big gigantic feelings, if I didn’t judge them so harshly? What was I REALLY worried about, afraid of, sad about, longing for?

Could I be sure that food or tobacco or being sexual would satisfy me….and resolve the Big Feeling?

No. In fact….based on experience it appeared that the things I obsessed over most and thought I wanted were VERY temporary. Moving towards them worked for just a short while. Then I was back at the big feeling again, and the cycle would start over.

This morning I worked with a client who was so sad because her primary love relationship was over, broken up, ended. Her partner had wanted to date other women, and she didn’t want him to.  Not a match, and yet she had very painful feelings about it being OVER.

As she did The Work she began to find examples of how what was happening right now, in the present (without a partner) was a wonderful, advantageous thing.

This is a most simple but profound discovery, to discover the connection, love, aliveness, passion, joy, peace, ecstasy right here, right now, in this moment.

Or to even ask oneself if this could be possible….ecstasy here, now, whether someone is here or not here in our presence. Could it?

Or, OK OK Jeez…if it doesn’t feel possible that ecstasy could be present right here, now, then what about just being able to STAND this big feeling without DOING something immediately? I mean, is this an emergency? Do you really need to smoke or eat or drink or watch porn or call that person in order to be able to stand this moment and satisfy this urge?

Eckhart Tolle writes about urges and applying awareness to anything obsessive. He says to say “yes” always to what you feel. This means, I have the feeling, and I don’t chop it into bits, I don’t set fire to it, I don’t act on it instantly, I don’t criticize myself for having it. It means I genuinely am not opposed or against myself having this feeling in this moment.

“When we maintain awareness, whether we know it or not, healing is taking place…a door that has been shut begins to open…As the door opens, we see that the present is absolute and that, in a sense, the whole universe begins right now, in each second. And the healing of life is in that second of simple awareness…Healing is always just being here, with a simple mind.” ~ Charlotte Joko Beck

Truly amazing to imagine—just being here, with awareness, with a simple mind, brings healing.

Questioning all the thoughts about romantic love, desire, feelings…all feelings…I arrive at a place of mystery and wonder.

I noticed as I questioned, and questioned again, every belief I ever had that produced stress, every “rule”, that I became incredibly free to be myself.  Being myself with total freedom happens to look like being married for me. But I could only have arrived here if NOT being married was just as wonderful.

Every state worth living in, being in, every moment OK, every feeling acceptable.

With awareness and just sitting here, watching Big Feelings, I see in my life there is much less theatrical drama that could be retold and acted on stages or in the movie theaters….and yet still….truly….there has been a change in the course of history. A quieter one.

Love, Grace

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Click here  to register for any fall class to learn how to do The Work of Byron Katie on these powerful topics in your life.

 

Our Wonderful Sexuality – Fridays 10 – 11:30 am Oct. 12 – Dec. 13 (no class 10/26 OR 11/2)

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The Secret Hush Hush Topic

The topic of sexuality and sexual expression fills a lot of the human race with resistance, anxiety, repulsion or anger.

So much so, that I almost don’t want to write about it, even though it’s one of my favorite topics and I love assisting people through their beliefs about it in individual sessions and teleclasses. I love where I’ve landed after doing The Work on tons of concepts around sexuality.

Some people will actually think “I prefer not to think about sex, talk about sex, be aware of sex, or be concerned about sex! Ever!”

It’s like we’re talking about something very painful, or sick, or confusing. So let’s just sweep it under the rug .

Or more like, bury it 20 feet under the ground with no markers for where it is, just in case we get the wild thought to dig it up some day.

Many people grow up in families that felt both interested in sexuality and its expression, and confused or against sexuality in varying degrees.

There are many revolving rules, attempts to control sex, do’s and don’t’s:

  • only have sex with one person and don’t ever switch or change your mind
  • focus on pleasing the other not yourself
  • don’t talk about sex too much, don’t use “crude” sex words
  • don’t even think or fantasize about others if you’re in a committed relationship
  • if you really, really want sex with someone, you won’t feel satisfied until you have it!
  • there’s something wrong with you if you don’t know what you really want
  • there’s something wrong with you if you’re SURE you know what you want
  • keep doing it even if you don’t get that much out of it, because your partner wants it, and they may not stay with you if you don’t!
  • stay away from those nasty, sicko, creepy people who are violent, who use porn, who are attracted to children
  • don’t say No because that might hurt someone
  • don’t say Yes because that might hurt someone
  • have sex with strangers or people you don’t have to talk with much
  • you must make sure you are attractive if you want sex
  • it is possible to be unattractive
  • only have sex with people you “love” (whatever that means)
  • get sex from the internet or pictures or paid venues—no strings attached that way, no need to care about anyone but yourself
  • banish sex from your interests because its too complicated
  • be very careful when it comes to anything having to do with sex…careful careful careful!
  • control yourself!!!

Not only do we have all kinds of alarm about our own sexual feelings, but we’re often terrified of other people’s sexual feelings, or their LACK of sexual feelings.

Good/Bad…Right/Wrong…Yes/No…Turned On/Turned Off…Passionate/Bored

Just a small gesture, a tiny comment, a look or raised eyebrow can set our minds off into thinking “WHAT DID THAT MEAN?!”

We think we know what it means. Or we don’t want to risk finding out what it means—too scary (which is the same as thinking we know what it means).

Even though sexuality seems so fraught with nerve-wracking thoughts and feelings…..really, this amazing topic is about communicating, just like talking.

Humans making contact with other humans.

Just like every other situation, our thoughts that feel uncomfortable, fearful or disgusted about sex are temple bells ringing, saying “ding-a-ling! This is bothering you! Time for inquiry!”

When I was younger, I absolutely believed that if I felt sexual, I was playing with fire. Dangerous territory. Gross. Yet I continued to feel sexual. It would just appear. Like most people!

I didn’t even ask more thoroughly WHY this might be dangerous….the explanation that you can get pregnant (horrifying) or get diseases or have a bad reputation were the obvious repeated reasons. Those things were all assumed to be BAD BAD BAD.

Basically, my parents wouldn’t approve. Or my grandparents. And probably not their grandparents either. Or my family religion. Or my neighbors, friends, or their parents.

One little problem was that my grandfather appeared to be interested in sex. Most kids notice SOMEONE who is more blatant about sexuality. Or they see a sign on a building that says GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS and they learn not to ask about it.

So, apparently sex is allowed, but only over there for those people, hidden away.

Something was DEFINITELY wrong with my grandpa, that was obvious. He had Playboy magazines and a baseball hat that had written on it “dirty old men need love too”.

Jeez, didn’t he get it? Was he stupid or something? Why would he subject himself to ridicule or admit he was interested in THAT?

I was already filled with moral judgment about the wrongness of his behavior.

When someone is particularly forceful…when they do very intense things like rape, molest, abuse, spend tons of money in the sex industry, chase, manipulate, or physically control others, we often cast them into hell in our minds.

There is nothing wrong with staying away from people who scare you, this is not a weird test of learning to handle everything, but every area of pain offers amazing opportunity for expansion of the mind. Freedom from fear, attack, judgment, condemnation. Genuine acceptance. Including sexuality.

“To exclude anything that appears in your universe is not love. Love joins with everything. It doesn’t exclude the monster. It doesn’t avoid the nightmare—it looks forward to it.~ Byron Katie

I have found that to question my rules about others and about sex, I find great peace with my own experiences; my feelings, what happened to me (which is now over), what I invited, what I thought I wanted, how I live now.

It is absolutely incredible to not have to reject, rebel, fight against, feel enraged, push, long for, control, or suppress what I’m thinking or feeling.

It seems that what has occurred, by having troubling experiences and then bringing them to inquiry and dropping the rules and judgments, is that sexual expression for me is entirely clear, fun, happy, passionate, awake and wonderful.

Anyone can do it. All you need is a pen and paper and then to start writing down all your beliefs that produce anger, resentment, dischord, or fear in you.

Go ahead and pull back the rug and let’s clean it up under there. Let’s dig up the beliefs that have been buried underground so deep.

This is just inquiry, it doesn’t mean to take action, or do anything at all for that matter. This is about watching, observing, noticing and staying with yourself, to find out the truth, for you, before anyone taught you anything.

In fact, it may be most peaceful NOT to do anything, except inquiry.

“When people see some things as beautiful, other things become ugly. When people see some things as good, other things become bad. Being and non-being create each other. Long and short define each other. High and low depend on each other. Before and after follow each other. Therefore the Master acts without saying anything. Things arise and she lets them come; things disappear and she lets them go. She has but doesn’t possess, acts but doesn’t expect. When her work is done, she forgets it. That is why it lasts forever.”~Tao Te Ching #2

If you’re ready to do this in a group setting, with guidance, then join Our Wonderful Sexuality this week, there is one space left for the Thursday evening group.

If you’re not ready for a group….go for it on your own. You can free yourself with your own answers…and potentially change your entire life.

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Loving What Is? Not This.

Bertrand Russell, the famous British philosopher who was a huge political and social activist during his lifetime, said “every great idea starts out as a blasphemy!”

Sometimes looking at difficult things in life from every angle, or from an entirely alternate perspective, sounds crazy. Just thinking about being with something horrifying and contemplating the idea that it is not as bad as we think….it almost sounds cold or inhuman.

For example, studying cancer, or death, or torturous pain, tragic accidents, huge earthquakes, mass murders….not exactly pleasant topics for most of us.

When I first encountered The Work and questioning my thinking it was through reading Byron Katie’s book Loving What Is. I was reading along, loving the ideas and my mind opening as I read, and then I got to a section where Katie is doing The Work with a woman who experienced sexual abuse during  her childhood.

Suddenly, I felt a little sick to my stomach. In this situation it is not possible to “love what is”, I thought. But I kept reading.

It is radical to stand back from what we think of as the greatest horrors in life, and look with open eyes.

I confess, I like things when they go “well”. I like happiness and easiness and kind voices and quiet places. I don’t much like being surprised or having people jump out at me for fun. Sometimes it takes me 15 minutes to jump into a cold lake.

But I see now how when I preferred to chop out all the “troubling” things from human existence and from my experience, when I raised my fist against them and tried to avoid them, as I used to, I became tense as a block of cement. And about as happy.

Anthony De Mello, the wondeful Jesuit priest I mention occasionally who died in 1986, wrote that people would come to him with their problems and often wanted only relief. They did NOT want to understand their problem and find their part in it. He said that he discovered that some people had to suffer ENOUGH in a relationship so that they got disillusioned with ALL relationships.

Other writers and teachers speak of this suffering that seems to need to occur in order to wake up and find a better way of thinking, of living.

I do not know if we need to suffer, but it seems most of us do. We feel anxious, sad, terrified, sorry, guilty. Some of us feel suicidal, some of us feel deeply angry with others in our lives.

Adyashanti, one of my absolute favorite spiritual teachers, writes poetry that does not always sound pretty, peaceful or gentle when it comes to Reality, God, Source, or Awakening.

One thing that appears true….things don’t always look rosy. We are going to die. People are unpredictable, like the weather, like life.

“Enlightenment is a destructive process. It has nothing to do with becoming better or being happier. Enlightenment is the crumbling away of untruth. It’s seeing through the facade of pretence. It’s the complete eradication of everything we imagined to be true.” ~ Adyashanti  

Be compassionate today with yourself in your fear or distress. Be open to others as they are terrified, or enraged. This is all part of the pace of life.

“The Master give himself up to whatever the moment brings. He knows that he is going to die, and he has nothing left to hold on to…” Tao Te Ching #50

Be with the silence and the part of you that doesn’t know. Bad things happen, good things happen. It’s not OK. But it is.

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Questioning The Pain Of Losing Someone

A wonderful friend of mine who loves to do The Work kids around about the fact that he has an old shirt that he uses as a rag to cry into when doing his inquiry. Kleenexes are just too small!

And boy, we sure needed some old shirts today to cry into during the Relationship class.

Our topic was Loss and our assignment was to imagine losing something or someone very precious to us, very important, that we couldn’t bear to lose.

Everyone really went for it: they picked their child, their sibling, their partner, their parents.

I have done this exercise and imagined my children gone.

I once met a woman when enrolled in a class who had three sons who had all been killed, and I thought to myself “how could she even be teaching this class today?” It was like in my mind, I thought she wouldn’t be able to even cope, for the rest of her life, because of that experience.

It is so powerful to find out what these painful thoughts are about losing someone, as they are the biggest, worst, most horrifying versions of what we really believe about loss.

A lighter version about loss that still leaves some people reeling, is ending a relationship. An even lighter form of loss with someone we care about is having them move to another town.

What do you believe about “losing” someone?

In our class this morning one of the beliefs we questioned was “I want her to talk to me”.

How do I react when I believe that thought? I had images flash through my mind. I remembered being so anxious to talk with a man once who I was dating that I carried my phone into the bathroom. What if he called, and I missed it? I remember being aware of the power of that thought and how I was believing it so strongly, I had no peace, no freedom.

Who are you without the thought that you want more than anything in the world for that person to talk to you?

Without the thought I come back to the present. Woman standing in a bathroom, space all around….air, ceiling, floor. Woman who can now see what is present right here in this moment. Woman no longer interested in carrying her phone with her everywhere, even to the bathroom. FREEDOM!

If my children were gone, I would live. I would know because I was alive that I had more living to do here, and they did not.

The amazing thing is that with doing The Work and becoming freer of the fear of loss, freer of the idea that I have lost important people, my life seems so full.

Amazing to live in a world where people can come and go, live and die, and I flow with what happens. I can argue with this…but I will suffer.

Eckhart Tolle writes “To offer no resistance to life is to be in a state of grace, ease, and lightness. This state is then no longer dependent upon things being in a certain way, good or bad. It seems almost paradoxical, yet when your inner dependency on form is gone, the general conditions of your life, the outer forms, tend to improve greatly. Things, people, or conditions that you thought you needed for your happiness now come to you with no struggle or effort on your part, and you are free to enjoy and appreciate them – while they last. All those things, of course, will still pass away, cycles will come and go, but with dependency gone there is no fear of loss anymore. Life flows with ease.” 

Much Love, Grace

P.S. The topic and awareness of LOSS when it comes to sexuality is just as powerful. So many experiences where people feel they have lost out, are losing out, will lose out when it comes to happiness and sexuality. We may be full for the class, but email me if you want to be on the waiting list and you may be able to start with us on Friday!

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If I Speak Up It Will Be Terrible!

Several months ago I had the experience of wanting to cover up a growing feeling of anxiety I had with a friend. I’ve had this experience before, I can remember it as early as age 5!

If I show someone close to me that I’m anxious about something they are doing, they’ll either attack me or attack themselves. If I say I prefer them to stop doing what they’re doing, someone will get hurt….and it could be me!

And by the way, on top of being stuck between a rock and a hard place and busy helping my friend to not do any attacking, I shouldn’t be so judgmental!

One of The Four Agreements, written by Don Miguel Ruiz, is “Be impeccable with your word”. He says this includes using your word to point in the direction of truth and love.

What I had believed most of my life was that what I say, my words to others, should be nice, kind, gentle, well-received, and leave people feeling better than they felt before.

It’s really living out the teaching “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”.

I was mixed up about what “nice” is. I thought it meant that if I had an objection, or a preference, or a request, or an observation, or I wanted something different, or even wondered about something, that this wasn’t “nice”.

I found I was in a heap-o-trouble. The unspoken word between my friend and I caused great misunderstanding and confusion.

I love completing this exercise:  “If I speak up, the worst that could happen is________.”

  • With my children, if I speak up, they will protest, yell, resist…and I’ll get angry
  • With my parents, if I speak up, they will be crushed and full of despair
  • With my friend, if I speak up, they will feel rejected and angry and stop being my friend
  • With some acquaintances, if I speak up, they will spread rumors about me
  • With my co-worker, if I speak up, he will say mean things about me
  • With my partner, if I speak up, he will be sad and I will be alone

Pema Chodron says “Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.”

Now after doing The Work for awhile, I see my fear rise up and I know there is something important present to look at. To delay may make it bigger.

I love how once we question the terror of speaking up, doing The Work also helps us discover who we really are, what kinds of preferences we actually have, what we want or desire, what we don’t like and move away from.

True freedom is being able to speak, without rage, terror, hopelessness shutting down the voice that needs to speak. Let the voice have its say on paper, then let your voice speak what it needs to say to others, with love and truth and impeccability. No worry about the future, or what will happen next, or what happened before.

The Tao #50: …“the Master doesn’t think about his actions; they flow from the core of his being. He holds nothing back from life; therefore he is ready for death, as a man is ready for sleep after a good day’s work”. 

Much Love, Grace

P.S. This is a fabulous topic that we’ll apply to Sexuality, join us in the upcoming teleclass that starts Friday! How amazing it is to speak up when it comes to Sexuality!!

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Sexuality Is Like Everything Else

I love receiving your emails for those of you who write. Several have asked me permission to post these daily pieces to your facebook page or forward it to others…. YES is the answer!

It would be wonderful if you forwarded this email to a friend or loved one, or tell folks they can get these posts by going to my website workwithgrace.com and entering in their email to the little “subscribe” box, or visiting my Facebook page Work With Grace-Byron Katie Coach.

As I finish this first paragraph I find I’m suddenly fascinated by the topic of communication again; talking, writing, giving speeches, facebooking, reflecting, connecting, emailing, hugging, touching.

Speaking of touching!! The Wonderful Sexuality teleclass starts on Friday! Are you the person, or perhaps someone you know, right for one of the last few spots?

I am so grateful for the facilitators who worked with me on the often “embarrassing” topic of sex, and for the work I’ve watched Katie do with people as they inquire on a story that has to do with sexuality.

What if you wrote down all your thoughts and judgments on an incident that involved sexual expression and you let the concepts sit there, in writing (without erasing them or scribbling them out), and you treated them like the other topics that produce stress?

Woody Allen said “Love is the answer. But while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions!”

Some powerful thoughts that the sexuality teleclass has raised for questioning in the past were thoughts like these:

  • He shouldn’t have been deceptive
  • She doesn’t care about me if she doesn’t kiss me back
  • I want him to love me
  • If I have sex with him, he will like me
  • If I’m not feeling attracted, that’s bad
  • My father was a pervert
  • My partner had an affair, and it means that….

We all have every piece of wisdom we need already right inside of us. No need for anything more, and yet it is absolutely remarkably beautiful to me to join in with others when we feel the burden of suffering and repetitive thinking.

The Tao Te Ching #65 “When they think that they know the answers, people are difficult to guide. When they know that they don’t know, people can find their own way.”

I love that I know much less what is RIGHT or what is WRONG when it comes to sexuality than I once did. I really used to have a whole list of what was wrong, all not written down of course because I couldn’t even write that stuff down. Eeeww!

I have found that I have become more open-minded as I have really examined everything I thought of as bad, horrible, gross, disgusting, nasty, sick or twisted.

Just like those enemies I’ve had in my life, or the condemning thoughts I’ve had about life itself, I find that by opening my mind up about these things doesn’t mean I am condoning them.

It’s really the opposite that happens. I feel more free to be who I am, to freely say Yes or to say No, and it turns out that I find my natural state is loving, kind, happy and often open to physical touch.

The universe is more and more loving and friendly and ecstasy is everywhere!

Byron Katie says in A Thousand Names for Joy “I don’t try to educate people. Why would I do such a thing? My only job is to point you back to yourself. When you discover–inside yourself, behind everything you’re thinking–the marvelous don’t-know mind, you’re home free. The don’t-know mind is the mind that is totally open to anything life brings you.”  

Everyone doing the best they can with what they know. Everyone following their own life path, just right, with perfect timing….Not a moment out of order, not an experience they can’t learn from, study, grow from.

Sexuality is Just Like Everything Else

Thanks to all of you for such a wonderful class and the freedom to speak about sex as if I was talking about a nose or arm, how cool that we have this time together.. and thank you Grace for having the fore sight to bring this topic to the open space of presence for us to question it…Tanya, teleclass participant   

Much Love, Grace