Several months ago I had the experience of wanting to cover up a growing feeling of anxiety I had with a friend. I’ve had this experience before, I can remember it as early as age 5!
If I show someone close to me that I’m anxious about something they are doing, they’ll either attack me or attack themselves. If I say I prefer them to stop doing what they’re doing, someone will get hurt….and it could be me!
And by the way, on top of being stuck between a rock and a hard place and busy helping my friend to not do any attacking, I shouldn’t be so judgmental!
One of The Four Agreements, written by Don Miguel Ruiz, is “Be impeccable with your word”. He says this includes using your word to point in the direction of truth and love.
What I had believed most of my life was that what I say, my words to others, should be nice, kind, gentle, well-received, and leave people feeling better than they felt before.
It’s really living out the teaching “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”.
I was mixed up about what “nice” is. I thought it meant that if I had an objection, or a preference, or a request, or an observation, or I wanted something different, or even wondered about something, that this wasn’t “nice”.
I found I was in a heap-o-trouble. The unspoken word between my friend and I caused great misunderstanding and confusion.
I love completing this exercise: “If I speak up, the worst that could happen is________.”
- With my children, if I speak up, they will protest, yell, resist…and I’ll get angry
- With my parents, if I speak up, they will be crushed and full of despair
- With my friend, if I speak up, they will feel rejected and angry and stop being my friend
- With some acquaintances, if I speak up, they will spread rumors about me
- With my co-worker, if I speak up, he will say mean things about me
- With my partner, if I speak up, he will be sad and I will be alone
Pema Chodron says “Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.”
Now after doing The Work for awhile, I see my fear rise up and I know there is something important present to look at. To delay may make it bigger.
I love how once we question the terror of speaking up, doing The Work also helps us discover who we really are, what kinds of preferences we actually have, what we want or desire, what we don’t like and move away from.
True freedom is being able to speak, without rage, terror, hopelessness shutting down the voice that needs to speak. Let the voice have its say on paper, then let your voice speak what it needs to say to others, with love and truth and impeccability. No worry about the future, or what will happen next, or what happened before.
The Tao #50: …“the Master doesn’t think about his actions; they flow from the core of his being. He holds nothing back from life; therefore he is ready for death, as a man is ready for sleep after a good day’s work”.
Much Love, Grace
P.S. This is a fabulous topic that we’ll apply to Sexuality, join us in the upcoming teleclass that starts Friday! How amazing it is to speak up when it comes to Sexuality!!