Grace – Page 165 – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

December 7, 2012

I Need To Go To Sleep!

The idea that we each have any answer we have ever sought already inside of us is pretty spectacular.

When so many people live with depression, unhappiness, grief, anger, pessimism, fury and despair…if we really had all the answers inside us, then why don’t we find them?

I know one reason for me has been BECAUSE I’M TOO BUSY BELIEVING EVERYTHING I THINK!

I wasn’t asking myself very good questions. Or any questions! I was just feeling frustrated, scared, nervous or sad. Just FEELING.

The mind is racing as if it’s trying to find the perfect answer ASAP and discarding most potential ideas as “not good enough”. Like an obsessed dog chasing its tail!

Stress feels like thinking, then quicker than lightening having a feeling that isn’t fun or peaceful, then thinking something about THAT, then feeling again…like a ping pong ball game going 204 miles per hour. No room for slowing down and relaxing.

I remember Byron Katie talking about sleep to someone who had trouble with it, and I loved coming across the very same topic again not long ago with a client.

I recalled a man being upset about his lack of sleep. Katie said that in the middle of the night, when he couldn’t sleep, he could say to himself “how do I know I’m supposed to be awake? I am!” and that he could then do The Work.

These words rose up before me when at one point in my life when I had trouble sleeping. I would wake up every night around 3:00 am as I was traveling through my divorce. I was so unbelievably exhausted, I had never had trouble before sleeping my entire life with the exception of an occasional bad dream or worrisome situation like everyone does sometimes…but it was rare. Until then.

In the middle of the night when all was very quiet and it felt like all the world was asleep and everything was closed…I would be there with myself in full view. Nowhere to go.

I would start to write out my thoughts. They were very repetitive. I’ve been abandoned, I can’t stand it, I won’t make it, my life is ruined, I will never be the same again, I can never succeed, I need more money, this is a disaster…

The fear was terrible. The grief was horrendous.

However, not everyone wakes up because they are afraid. But everyone who wakes up and WANTS to go back to sleep, and cannot, always has some kind of problem with their thoughts.

If only the mind and “thinking” could be turned off….then I could sleep!

We all know, it’s impossible to turn off the mind with will power, or force, or demand, or pushing. Have you noticed how the mind keeps on going like the Energizer Bunny Grand Pooh Bah of The Universe?

No….the only thing that’s ever worked for me is to investigate what I’m actually thinking, believing, repeating over and over, ruminating on, and dwelling in.

This investigation can include, if you don’t find super stressful beliefs plaguing you, what you believe about SLEEP.

Let’s say you aren’t terrified out of your gourd like I was…and you STILL wake up at 3:00 am, or you toss and turn and think.

You might have a thought or two that is pretty stressful about sleep itself. I need to sleep now, I will feel awful tomorrow (as usual), I hate my mind, I can’t stand this, I have to find the answer to this sleep problem, this life is not working with lack of sleep, I don’t know what to do, I’ve tried everything.

One of my favorite questions in the investigation of thought is to ask “what would I be afraid of, if I didn’t have this stressful thinking?”

So in other words, if I wasn’t stressed about NOT SLEEPING? What’s the worst that could happen?

I’d just accept lack of sleep, eternally! I’d be wasted and drained and never enjoy life, forever! I’d always be worried every night when I lay down! I wouldn’t try to solve this problem! I’d feel hopeless!

Bruce Di Marsico, who was another wonderful inquirer with a little different flavor than Byron Katie, asks “why would NOT being stressed about something mean these terrible things would happen….or that change would NEVER happen unless you were stressed?”

What if I questioned all my angry attack thoughts about sleep and me needing more of it? What if I really imagined NOT being bugged about lack of sleep anymore…What if I imagined not having the thought “I need to sleep, I want to sleep, I hate my mind, here we go again”.

When I discovered that 3:00 am is an amazing magical time to do The Work because there are no distractions…that is when I found hope for the first time that I might have my own answers inside of myself.

I started finding turnarounds to all my painful thinking, even if I didn’t whole-heartedly believe them…I am not abandoned, I am found, I can stand this, my life is being born anew, it is so exciting that I will not be the same again, I am succeeding and I can succeed, my life is an amazing adventure, everything is possible. WOW.

Giving up being against something, even against not sleeping, can be frightening and weird and unusual and difficult. Of course I want to sleep, jeez! I hate not sleeping!

“Throughout the day you actually hit the edges of your cage. When you hit these edges, you either pull back or try to force things to change so that you can remain comfortable. You actually use the brilliance of your mind to stay inside your cage. Day and night you plot and plan how to stay within your comfort zone. Sometimes you can’t even fall asleep at night because you’re too busy thinking about what you need to do to stay within your cage: ‘How can I make it so that she will never leave me? How can I keep her from ever becoming interested in someone else?’ You’re trying to figure out how to be sure that you won’t hit the edges of your cage.”~Michael Singer

Today, I love myself in this moment with compassion for trying so hard to stay inside my own comfort zones and not ever ask myself if things were really as bad as I thought they were. Worrying, pacing, hand-wringing, wondering, mulling over things, distrusting, anxious…

It never occurred to me to ask myself if it was true.

Love, Grace

December 5, 2012

I Really Should Be Thinner

Not all you wonderful readers have had the privilege of hearing some of my beliefs about cellulite, wrinkles, aching knees, loose skin or gas.

Doh! So unspiritual! So unenlightened! So superficial, ridiculous, silly, petty, childish, and stupid!

What…me? I would NEVER have a thought about such trivial occurrences as these. I would never have stressful beliefs about thinness or jiggling body parts.

It only used to run my whole life practically, starting around age 14. And occasionally these kinds of thoughts pop back by for a visit.

I needed to be thinner, smoother, less bumpy, tighter, more muscular, stronger, defined, angular. And never smell bad, either.

A wonderful inquirer reminded me the other day that many people walk around thinking that they need to be thinner, several times a day or more, and that it is very stressful.

It’s almost as if we believe it would suck if we didn’t have the thought that something needs to change. Because then, we’d be wallowing in a pile of passivity, non-motivation, and apathy. Resigned, not trying. Never getting there. And fat. Or certainly not thin enough.

Pain Makes Gain. Right? I feel pain when I look in the mirror, or I feel stuffed after a meal and nauseated, or I have a god-awful hangover…and this pain slaps me around and makes me want to wake up and do something different. That pain gives me motivation to CHANGE…..right?

Well, have you noticed how many times you’ve thought mean, nasty, ugly thoughts about yourself and your condition or situation? But no change happened?

If it WORKED to be self-critical, then it seems like it would have gotten you skinny by now, or sober, or successful, or rich.

Oh. Right.

There is another way. And it’s not “positive thinking” either. Because that would just be a fakey, rah-rah, cheerleading sort of approach which still assumes that you need to be pumped up and LOVE yourself to get somewhere. To get thin.

The greatest doorway to freedom for me has been, instead of condemning myself to long-term punishment, to look with depth at what I am really thinking repeatedly and finding out what is going on in those moments.

This is gettin’ down and dirty with the ugly, immature, stupid beliefs.

The belief “I should be thinner” can be mildly annoying or really sickeningly painful and very, very old.

Let’s look at it. First of all, can you absolutely know that it’s true? YES YES YES!! Screams from the balcony, the stadium, your family, your mirror, your grandparents, all the way from Hollywood! OMG of COURSE you should be thinner, are you kidding me?!!

Really ask again. I mean, in the big scheme of things beyond all this, can you know without a doubt that right now you should be thinner? You may still answer yes. That’s good….you thought about it for real, instead of just assuming it’s true.

You see how you react when you believe this thought: irritable, you make dieting plans, you despair of dieting plans, you try to ignore the thought, you hate yourself, you’re disgusted, you try to forget about it, you say “it’s not THAT bad”, you consider yourself superficial, you get tired just thinking about what you would have to do to get there. Starve and exert more energy.

And then…who would you be without the thought in your mind at all? Like other parts of the day when you’re not even thinking about it? Maybe you would notice that there are some other disturbing thoughts present. Some big ones that feel a little more foreboding.

You might notice that you could ask yourself a little more deeply WHY you should be thinner. I mean, what’s the problem here?

I should be thinner because then…WHY? My lover will stay with me, my spouse will never leave me, my friends will admire me, my boss and co-workers will be amazed by me, everyone will be attracted to me, my health will be superb, I won’t have “x” disease, I will feel fabulous, I will get more sex, I will have more energy, I will be more successful, I will make more money, I will be more secure, I will look stronger and younger which means people will find me appealing, I will stop having to think about this. Ever.

Phew. That’s a lot to put on thinness.

When we turn the thought around it becomes: my THINKING should be thinner….I mean really. I’ve believed that thinness meant so very much, the thinking has been thick and profuse and chaotic and fast. Yes, my thinking should slow down, relax and thin itself out.

Another turnaround is: I should NOT be thinner, I should be just the size I am. What if you allowed everything to be about your body, right now? What if you closed your eyes and just felt this body, and treated it kindly, without looking at it or caring how it turned out? Isn’t that what we all really want? Total freedom?

“I once worked with a woman in Jerusalem. Her religion was ‘I should have thin thighs’; she thought that’s what would give her what she wanted in life. She was the cutest! And she just wasn’t willing to do The Work; she couldn’t go inside for an honest answer, because she was terrified that if she answered honestly, she’d end up with fat thighs. She thought she needed fear as a motivation to exercise and eat right. It was obvious she preferred thin thighs to freedom.”~Byron Katie

When I began to realize that I don’t, in fact, actually care if I am thin or fat or round or sharp-edged…and what I really really want is the truth….then I became free to live in peace. To not grab for things when I’m not hungry (that isn’t the truth) and not force myself NOT to eat when I AM hungry (that isn’t the truth).

Simply being gentle with myself, moment to moment, at meals, with food, eating, tasting, smelling, hunger, fullness, slowing down. Not panicking or judging it as wrong. Waiting, breathing. Questioning other painful, difficult beliefs. Knowing I can “live” through any troubling or strong emotion.

I discovered what I used to believe thinness was going to bring me: love, joy, fun, pleasure, admiration, approval. Only all of these, already here. For myself. Whatever the weight.

The wonderful news is: you don’t have to be in 100% all-out full blown joy, love, pleasure and approval ALL THE TIME to be free from the burden of thinking about your weight.

All you need is a tiny drop of inquiry, willingness to drop your religion about the body and its appearance, and you will gently wake up.

That mundane, stupid, ridiculous series of beliefs about thinness that I had for years and years? They were my path to freedom.

“When they believe their thoughts, people divide reality into opposites. They think that only certain things are beautiful. But to a clear mind, everything in the world is beautiful in its own way.”~Byron Katie

If you want to take a closer look, come to a weekend in Seattle in January on questioning your judgments about food and your appearance….or come to Breitenbush Hotsprings next June 2013. Maybe it’s time to end this war?

Love, Grace

Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. $215. To register click HERE now and then send me an email grace@workwithgrace.com.

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June 2013! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

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December 4, 2012

Giving Yourself A Hard Time

I loved hearing yesterday that many of you did indeed pick that one thought, situation, or person that has been disturbing in some way lately, and that you took note of it.

Maybe you wrote down a bunch of troubling ideas, in a wild fit of a brainstorm.

The thing that helps the most, I have found over and over again, is writing a short, simple sentence that sums up what is distressing. Not that I myself would have a whole LIST…but if you wanted an example, here we go:

“She should explain herself more clearly, they are very sad, he is so immature, sick and mentally ill I can’t believe I liked him, I should have taken care of the roof leak earlier, it will take every waking extra moment of my day to finish my book to get it done by the deadline, I should move to a sunny place during the winter, addicts make me angry, I haven’t fed my children enough raw veggies during their childhood, I should be better at home repair, I don’t ever want to get cancer again, why did I make that plane reservation for 4 am…”

It’s kind of hilarious really, and appears sort of random and ridiculous. The mind skips around with its commentary.

When something is particularly upsetting, then it appears to overwhelm the mind. More of the thoughts will get focused on that one problem, person, or situation.

One thing that is wonderful to know, is that if there is stress, especially in the body, then you know you are believing something that isn’t really true for you. You’re not in your truest, clear self. You’re maybe a little confused. It’s OK…you don’t know any better.

After you have your list, or even only one painful thought, written down, you can bring it to inquiry. Maybe you have bigger, broader thoughts that the chatter that is relating to your personal life. “This shouldn’t be happening, people shouldn’t hurt other people, war is horrendous, global warming is killing us, I am alone.”

Start with just one.

Now, you can question it and investigate everything about it. You can ask the four questions.

Yesterday a reader wrote to ask “what are those four questions again?” I love this question! The mind is so funny, isn’t it? It will space out, forget, become confused, grow foggy, distract itself, move on to other ideas and thoughts.

When I first encountered The Work I would forget the questions constantly and have to go find them written down again to see exactly how they were worded.

The first question: Is It True? I have written down the thought “I should have taken care of the leak in the roof sooner”.

Answer with a Yes or a No. Not with waffling around. If there’s waffling around, then you’re probably answering with a NO. But if your answer is yes, then move to question 2.

Can I absolutely know that this is true?

For my thought, that I should have taken care of the leak sooner? Heck, I don’t really know if it would have been better if I did it before or not. Not really. So no, it’s not 100% true beyond a shadow of a doubt. NO.

Third question: How do you react when you believe that thought?

I get MAD at myself! Jeez you stupid dope! Do you want to be a home owner or not?! What were you thinking? You’ll never amount to much.

The barrage of insults is not pretty. If someone ever spoke to me this way I would run for the hills! Many of us think we’ll get motivated to handle the situation best if we’re as mean as possible to ourselves. We start with one bad idea about ourselves and a second later we’re the worst human to have ever walked the face of the earth…and we will never amount to much.

I laugh now when I start talking that way, most of the time. So very, very serious. So dramatic. So extreme. Where’s the theater?

Except when you ask yourself the fourth question: Who would you be without the thought?If you couldn’t actually believe it right now? If you came from another country or another planet and you just landed here? Or if you were a tree? Or if you were happy?

Then the final step is to turn the thought around to the opposite, and there may be several ways you can do this…it can be the trickiest part for people starting The Work.

Turn Around: “I should NOT have taken care of the roof leak any sooner.” Find examples of the truth of this. Real, authentic, believable examples, no matter how small.

For me, Now is as good a time as any for repairing the roof. Like any situation in life, the time for it to unfold appears to be right now, today. Who am I to dictate to the world, to anyone else, or to ME exactly when something should or should not have taken place?

I mean really, who made me the manager of the universe and the boss of house repairs and when they are allowed to happen and when I myself should have responded to them?

Byron Katie says “Who needs God when we have you?!”

“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”~Pema Chodron

Love, Grace

December 3, 2012

The Innermost World REVEALED

Leave a comment at the bottom of this post! It is wonderful to see your thoughts, questions, ideas, journey.

This past Saturday I had a most beautiful day facilitating a workshop of incredible inquirers all here to look at their painful thoughts about an important person or issue in their lives.

People are really amazing when they attend a workshop. They show up from many miles away, getting themselves from home all the way to strange and distant location, to be with other people they’ve never met before.

And bare their innermost thoughts and feelings to them.

We’ve probably all noticed how it feels like in being human, there’s an inner self and an outer self.

Inside the mind, there’s the one thinking, feeling, looking, sensing, and chattering away…which is all going on in this inside world. It’s a whole universe in here, and only YOU can see it. Only YOU can hear the voices, pick up the sensations.

And then there’s the outer world of where you stop and the rest of the universe starts, and it is doing it’s thing, filled with life and activity and events.

Have you ever wondered where the line is between inner world and outer world?

The body feels like a boundary area, perhaps, between both worlds. It seems to be close to the place this inner self lives. This thing called me is somehow involved in bringing life to the body and taking it here and there, moving it certain ways, putting clothes on it, resting it, feeding it.

But this seat of consciousness, the deepest inner world that feels so….INNER. Where is it exactly?

Even if we can’t define this inner world exactly and where the boundaries are, isn’t it so fascinating how INNER it seems to be? Like down inside this cave or secret world or separate realm or little hideaway place. Inner, inside, in the middle, the center of everything, at the core, bottom, or heart of it all.

And then, when people gather together in this powerful way in any kind of deeply personal work, intentionally….miracles can happen.

This does not mean lightening bolts come out of the sky, or magic wands are waved (although anything is possible, who knows) but by just the smallest revealing of this innermost world, something can shift, some energy can be moved.

Through this movement, change happens. Things get unstuck.

The first time I ever went to a gathering of people interested in revealing some part of their inner world was a 12 step meeting. I was 19.

I was so filled with suffering, I questioned all the time whether this life was worth living. This seemed like a mad, mad world and I felt equally as mad and VERY UPSET. It wasn’t funny. Full of despair.

I was absolutely amazed that people sat together in one large room and spoke out loud and shared some of the content of their hearts without trying to hide it or make it prettier than it was. They were telling on themselves. I felt like I was not alone in the way I had been thinking, not entirely.

One of the things I love about doing The Work is that the first step is simply identifying what we are actually believing and feeling that is most stressful. The really uncomfortable, mean, vicious, nasty, horrible thoughts we are thinking about someone else (or ourselves). Feelings put to words.

Most of us feel *HORRIBLE*, and I mean really, really horrible, about having these thoughts and feelings in the first place (I sure did).

But keeping a lid on them, locking them down and hoping they would go away never worked well for me. At all. I really tried!

Gathering together with others to reveal these innermost “secrets” and then take them into the light is what doing The Work is. Investigating these truly fascinating critical thoughts, terrified thoughts, sad thoughts.

That’s what our group got to do on Saturday together. So I know, some cracks were made in the inner-world boundaries and light got in.

“If you want to be free, you must first accept that there is pain in your heart. You have stored it there. And you’ve done everything you can think of to keep it there, deep inside, so that you never have to feel it….On the other side of the pain is ecstasy. On the other side is freedom.”~ Michael Singer in The Untethered Soul.

Being willing to reveal the painful thoughts is courageous, and worth it. How incredible are all the humans, who know that staying in what appears to be their inner comfort zone world isn’t going to really work in the end.

They desire freedom more than comfort.

Thank you to the group on Saturday, and every group that has gathered to learn, study, reveal, uncover, and face their inner pain.

Today, you can notice something that pulls you in, something that brings up a little fear (or maybe a lot). Catch it. You are an amazing observer of your own inner world!

Write it down. Take it to the Four Questions…explore it, whether with someone else or with your own wise self.

You only need to look at one thought at a time. No more than one. If there’s a whole stack of ’em, just take a look at the one on top.

“Together we will disappear into the Presence beyond the veil, not to be lost but found; not to be seen but known.”~A Course In Miracles

Love, Grace

Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. $215. To register write grace@workwithgrace.com now.

November 30, 2012

Top Three Stressful Thoughts?

Some of you may remember last year a Grace Notes post asking you what your top three stressful thoughts of the year were?

I’m asking again!

Over the course this past year, I would refer back to your thoughtful responses. And write about my experiences with the same exact thoughts in my life, and how to work with them and question them.

When you think about your own mind, and what it presents to you regularly…what kinds of thoughts does it come up with over and over again?

Or maybe there have been important people in your life who have REALLY BUGGED you!

In the past year I have loved facilitating people…in teleclasses, workshops and individually, on their most troubling relationships with their mothers, fathers, co-workers, bosses, children, spouses.

And also on their relationships with money, food, their bodies, time, death, pain, sickness, work, sexuality, cancer, cravings, addiction.

You know, the light stuff in life.

I don’t know if I personally could narrow it down to ONLY three. But it is really interesting to watch the mind and notice where it repeats itself, if you can catch it.

So the TOP three, for you.

Scroll down to the bottom of this Grace Note and leave a comment. Then you can see what other people might be struggling with as well.

If you’re too shy, just reply back to me, that’s OK too.

My top three struggling thoughts?

#1 It’s Not Enough (money and time especially)
#2 I made a big mistake
#3 she/he doesn’t like me OR he/she likes me too much

What are your underlying repetitive stressful thoughts?

You are not alone.

Love, Grace

November 29, 2012

The Universe Abandoned Me

Today I woke up thinking about one of my favorite people, someone who has been a really close friend in the past.

But we don’t talk much anymore. We haven’t seen each other in a really long time. My last emails went unanswered.

Inside, I felt a little sad.

There is distance here. That person is far away. No communication. No flow.

The mind immediately begins to make suggestions for solving the problem. DISTANCE is a problem, in this situation.

Have you ever noticed that the mind can actually speak to you in third person? My thoughts were going something like this:

I think you did something wrong! Maybe you weren’t interesting enough? Maybe you failed to share honestly about something? Perhaps you hurt his feelings? That last time you were together wasn’t ideal–maybe you should have talked about it? Something happened in this friendship, that’s for sure! You think you’ve sorted this through and reached the best conclusion possible, but NO. You haven’t!

Then another member of the Mind Committee appears on the scene to offer its opinion about this person you’re thinking about! Well…he did have a lot of faults…maybe this is all for the best! Remember how much he complained? He talked too much, he drank too much, he interrupted, he was a bad listener, he was too bossy…

It’s like the mind is making a case for defense, trying to argue its way to a peaceful conclusion.

As my mind took off on its journey to analyze the heck out of the exact same relationship that it has already thought about before, I realized…OH.

I haven’t done The Work yet on that person.

When the Mind Committee gets big enough to look like the Wall Street stock market floor with people shouting, noise, arms waving, and anger, worry, fear, doubt, and sadness all present….then that’s a very clear sign that sitting down and doing The Work might have been a good idea awhile ago.

If the Mind Committee has only sent two voices to come into the room and start talking (like my experience this morning when I woke up) then it might be a good idea to notice this and do The Work NOW, before it gets louder and bigger…before the reinforcements and teams of debaters are ordered in.

So I sat down and I wrote out my judgments. What do I want from him, that would make me happy? What do I need? What should he do, what should he say, or think, or feel?

Then I take only one of these thoughts, just one of them. I don’t have to question everything, I don’t have to get this whole thing wrapped up in one fell swoop. Time is not important here.

This is starting with only ONE stressful thought. It doesn’t have to be the “best” thought to question. It’s identifying an idea I have that I feel is serious, sad, painful.

He abandoned me.

Yes! That is sooooo true! He ditched me, he doesn’t have the staying power of a real friend, he’s shallow, superficial, he’s not cut out for real depth of honesty, he is flawed, good riddance!

Can I absolutely KNOW that it is TRUE that he abandoned me? Really? Can I know that Abandonment is what is going on here? And that he is doing it, 100%?

Well. Um. Not really. No. Now that I think about it, it isn’t true at all.

How do I react when I wake up with a memory of him and I have regrets, doubts, concern…when I am believing that he abandoned me?

SAD SAD SAD.

Who would I be without the thought that he abandoned me? If I really couldn’t even have this belief? If it didn’t occur to me? Who would I be if I came from another world and got dropped into this situation without the thought that ABANDONMENT is going on here?

I notice that I think about him and feel happiness. How much I loved our conversations. How much laughing, crying, intimacy has happened. Gratitude for him, whether he is here at the moment or not. Appreciation for him….whether he responds to my emails or not. Smiling, without the thought.

The turnaround to the thought, the exact opposite, is “he did NOT abandon me.”

How is this just as true, or truer? Can I find real, genuine examples of ways he did not abandon me, even though there is distance, apparently, between us? Even though we haven’t talked in a long time?

Well, first of all…ahem…he is busy living his own life, and its not all about me. He has a huge project he’s working on. He’s traveling. He’s in an important primary relationship in his life that he’s trying to sort out. He’s taking care of himself.

I don’t have to know all about it. I don’t have to know the details. I mean….really. Would I want to say “stop doing all those things and take time out to contact ME! You need to show ME that you care. Where are you? Get over HERE! You need to come towards ME. ME ME ME.”

Sigh. This Work is NOT about raking yourself over the coals, listing your faults and concluding that you yourself are the culprit. THAT kind of turning-it-around is not compassionate or loving.

Seriousness is a clue that you are attacking yourself in some way, if you turn something around and it feels painful at first.

So I notice it is kinda funny, this whole all-eyes-on-me thing that happens eternally, with the little unquestioned mind. Everything is about me. He isn’t living his life, making his own choices and decisions, out there in the world. Nooooo, he abandoned me!

And ultimately, there is the turnaround to myself that I look at through this process of The Work: “I abandoned myself”.

How is THAT true, right in the middle of this friendship? Right in the middle of this memory of that person, as I woke up this morning?

I abandoned myself as quickly as you can say Jack Robinson. The minute I thought of that dear person, I related him to ME and instead of feeling loving, sweet, affectionate, grateful, and full of joy…I felt slighted, attacked, dismissed, judged, uncared for, confused and abandoned.

In the present moment, with the memory of that person, I was sad.

I must confess….this thought of abandonment has been one I have had before. No! Really? OMG! (joke).

I notice that another example of how I abandon myself is that I have believed the Universe itself….love, security, happiness, care, joy….all of this has abandoned me at times.

I have believed that the Universe/God/Source is not friendly but instead totally uncaring, in a bad way. Those difficult things happened that were scary, terrible, threatening.

I remember now, in this morning’s Work, that this thought I have had, about this friend, is something I have thought before about all THIS. The world. Life. Oh yeah, that’s right. I’m doing my Abandonment Thinking thing.

“It takes a lot of courage to go inside yourself and find genuine answers to the four questions of The Work. When you do, you lose all your stories about the world–you lose the whole world as you understood it to be….You open your arms to reality. Just show me a problem that doesn’t come from believing an untrue thought.”~ Byron Katie

Could it be true, or truer, that there is no abandonment going on, ever…except in my own mind? Could it be true that this mysterious World is never abandoning me?

Because as it turns out, I’m sitting here, breathing, alive, typing, drinking tea, seeing rain come down outside the window.

I mean, there is stuff EVERYWHERE. Objects, colors, sensation, light, heart beating, furniture, heat, windows, aliveness, a bird squalking somewhere, rain tapping on the roof, image of my friend, peace…joy.

“Failure is an opportunity. If you blame someone else, there is no end to the blame. Therefore the Master fulfills her own obligations and corrects her own mistakes. She does what she needs to do and demands nothing of others.”~Tao Te Ching #79

I demand nothing of others? That means I don’t demand they “not abandon” me. I don’t assume they have.

Suddenly, it’s a very friendly universe.

Love, Grace

November 28, 2012

Expose Yourself For Love

I registered for The Cleanse today, the annual event in Los Angeles conducted by Byron Katie where she does The Work with people from morning til evening for 3-1/2 days, an incredible celebration for the New Year.

As I was clicking on plane ticket reservations and sorting through my calendar, I thought about the joy of being a part of the crowd, the people interested in exploring their thoughts and imagining their world without stressful beliefs.

I imagine just sitting near the front, listening, not taking notes, hearing whomever comes forward with such courage. Nothing to do but listen and Be.

Then I imagined jumping up in the chair and doing the Work with Katie and I had a huge jolt of adrenaline course through me. This was just from imagining. When all I do is raise my hand in a big audience, I usually feel tingly and nervous and my arm pits start sweating!

The people who get up on stage with Katie and sit there doing their intimate work seem so brave! Not only are they doing it in front of 300-500 people, but they usually agree to be filmed and recorded.

Many other human beings are assisted in the future by the people who are so willing to do The Work with Byron Katie…in public!

I remember realizing that my own personal spiritual journey happens in an atmosphere of willingness to let something be exposed. If I try to hide, it just works up so much more energy around whatever it is I think I need to keep hiding.

Sneaking, lying, withdrawing, ducking, keeping a low-profile, deflecting…you can feel it when it’s a lot of work. When it’s there to protect some inner part of the self, to make sure no one sees it so no one can criticize or reject us.

Long ago when I was in a therapy group and I was only in my twenties, when I had been in the group for at least 3 months, one of the co-therapists said “Grace, I need to talk with you in the group here.”

Uh oh. Scared. There’s that adrenaline.

“You never speak. When you don’t speak, it holds a certain power. No one can get close to you, and you keep us out. You are maintaining power with your silence”.

Gulp.

Eckhart Tolle writes that the ego believes that there has been a shrinking of the Self when it is blamed or criticized. It will immediately attempt to repair this damaged sense of self through justification, blaming back, or telling a big story that is defensive or shows it was victimized.

But notice how he calls the ego “it” all the time. Like it isn’t actually who we are. At all.

Adyashanti says “leave everything the way it is.”

So imagine that you are at a big event, and there is an offer of an open chair where you can come and get help (with hundreds of people watching) and you know you want that help. You have a spark inside you that says “yes”.

And you don’t stop yourself, or wait, or hesitate, or shut yourself down. You go for it, with love. You feel excitement, you may feel terror, but you feel love and willingness bigger than the fear.

Something inside you stops needing to do damage control, or keep yourself whole, or intact. Something is willing to break open and spill the dark stuff out into the atmosphere, with everyone around hearing it. Willing to risk it.

“You may then come to an amazing realization: When you are seemingly diminished in some way and remain in absolute non-reaction, not just externally but also internally, you realize that nothing real has been diminished, that through becoming “less” you become more.”~Eckhart Tolle

People come to personal growth workshops or therapy groups often because they are so real, honest, authentic, genuine and alive. They are an amazing study of the the capacity of humans to be themselves and through this, simply transform.

The “it” that wants to keep safe is not really all of you. It is just a resistance device that wants to keep the fortress strong.

Back in that therapy group, that encouragement by that wonderful therapist was one of the biggest gifts I could have ever received.

Today, you may know that there is something inside you that makes you really nervous to bring out, but it might be important to expose it. You’ve been ruminating on it.

You may feel scared, but you know you need help.

There is nothing to lose, really. All is well, it is just that little “it” that is afraid most of the time (the ego) that does not want to change, and is not comfortable with questions or uncertainty.

Expressing the inner “demons” may not be as bad as we think. It may not be bad at all. Go for it today, and see what happens.

“For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”~ Jesus of Nazareth

Love, Grace

*This workshop is FULL* Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm. Stay tuned for a future one-day event again in March 2013!

Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. $215. To register write grace@workwithgrace.com now.

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these articles and announcements for Work With Grace. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.

November 27, 2012

He Is Dead–Are You Sure?

Recently I found out one of my favorite spiritual teacher guys, the brilliant Dr. David R. Hawkins, died about six weeks ago. He was very old. He lived a very long human life.

Last year I said to myself “he is really very old…I ought to go to Arizona and have a day retreat with him when he offers one. It could be the last one soon”.

That was true.

The interesting thing that happens when someone wonderful dies and you don’t know them very well, not really, is that some of the stressful thoughts that rise up around death are softer, quieter, sort of slower.

Not the agony experienced, the grief, when someone really close and important dies.

When I learned of the not-so-surprising news of this teacher who made a difference for me and who was quite fascinating, it was like there was sediment on the bottom of a clear lake and it got stirred up a little.

Too late now, I missed out, I need to re-read his books, I need to ‘get’ his teachings better, I wonder what it will be like to be 85 and lived all those years, I should have gone to Sedona (never been), I wonder if his family misses him…like a sadness, a little ache in my heart, my throat. Something missed, something gone now.

When I first encountered the Work, one of the first people I ever talked with about it was one of my sisters. She had gone to the School. She said that while there, not only did she ponder the death of our father fairly young from leukemia, in a way she never had, but also there were others who brought death to the conversation.

Death. One of the things that confounds us the most in this world. What is going to happen? What does it mean? Is it true?

What an amazing question, to ask if it’s really true that the person you know has died? I mean 100% end-of-story died!?

When I ask “is it true, that my father died?” then I realize I don’t know. I have no idea what’s going on, in fact.

He was in a body. He was born a baby, grew up, became an adult, got married, had four daughters…and that same body which changed and had an impact and offered and created and lived, stopped doing it in the same way.

But the body was still made of matter, and that material carried on in many various ways into little molecules and atoms and moved on into other formations.

One big mystery. That entity that was my father is now morphed into something undefinable but not actually entirely DEAD. As in non-existent.

And then there are all the memories of my father as well. Those images are big, sweet, sad, stormy, loving, kind, vivid. I remember him so well that I could have a conversation with him. I could actually sit in a chair opposite him in my mind and have a talk, ask him a question and probably have an answer.

That doesn’t seem entirely “dead” to me.

In fact there are so many images and memories and feelings that something is alive. Very alive.

Who would I be without the thought that my father, or anyone, should still be alive in that body they were inhabiting? Who would I be without the thought that it’s very sad that he is gone?

Who would I be without the thought that he is dead?

I’d see the people who look like my father when I do a double-take and stare…I would see them on the street, driving cars, taking walks, chatting with their friends in coffee shops…and I would smile with joy in this sensation that my father is present.

I would say “hi dad”.

I would remember him, re-member, like putting him back together so instantly, I don’t even have to try. He is just there, alive in my mind.

Instead of moving with unbelievable speed to the sadness or the missing him or the idea of what could have been if he had lived longer in that particular formation…. I could turn to myself right here, in the present.

I could notice, just like everyone can, that this moment of remembering him is filled with love.

“The old song asks, ‘Why do fools fall in love?’ Actually, only fools DON’T fall in love. Only a fool would believe the lonely, stressful thoughts that tell him that anything could separate him from another human being, or from the rest of the human race, or from birds trees, pavement, and sky.” ~ Byron Katie, in I Need Your Love, Is It True

Love, Grace

*This workshop is FULL* Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm. Stay tuned for a future one-day event again in March 2013!

Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. $215. To register write grace@workwithgrace.com now.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these articles and announcements for Work With Grace. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.

November 26, 2012

I’ve Done Enough Work On Her Already!

When people start becoming interested in questioning their thinking they often come to see me, or enroll in a teleclass, and say “I don’t really know what I’m thinking but I feel bad” or “I have so many judgmental thoughts, I don’t know where to begin!”

“I could do The Work for hours, I have so many thoughts…..I’ll need to do The Work DAILY…for 100 years!”

“I feel terrible, I experience stress all the time, I can hardly get relief!”

Have you ever noticed, though, how if you hit a core, underlying way of seeing someone in your world who looks troubling, and you shift some small part of it, bring some light to it, connect with another person about it, understand it differently…then other people in your world also start looking better?

Who has brought enormous judgments up in your life? Who has represented a source of stress, anxiety, anger, or fear? If they had only been different….you wouldn’t have had such a hard time. You would be in a different place now.

That person is the one to do The Work on.

Some people will exclaim “BUT! I’ve done so much therapy work on my father! My mother! My sibling! My spouse!” They don’t want to go there again, or focus even more on these key people in their lives.

Byron Katie oftens says that The Work is not therapy. It is a modality of self-inquiry, a simple but profound process of looking at how YOU are actually looking at people.

Those difficult people may have done very harmful things, said very painful things, acted in ways that were extremely damaging, it appears. Everyone may agree with you when they hear your story of how these people behaved and how hard it was.

It is often incredibly powerful to share your perspective, to see what this story is that you are telling to others, and to yourself.

But the most powerful thing is to actually feel an internal change about how YOU experience that person. Without them changing at all.

Can I be happy with them, as they are, without condemning them or defending against them? Can I stop with the internal war?

Can I remember that person, can I be in their presence, can I allow them to be the way they are, doing what they do, and stay connected to my own happiness and joy?

For me, that is the true sign that all is well with me. I see that person, place, situation, memory, event….and I discover that it is still a friendly universe, with them in it. I feel love, I feel surrender, trust, openness, peace.

Doing The Work cuts through the details to the very core underlying beliefs I have about THAT DIFFICULT PERSON and moves me into a broader, more expanded vision of what I see, how I see.

Then the rest of the world starts looking better, amazingly. The rest of the world starts looking like it does when you fall in love and every moment is exciting, full of wonder, anticipation, and joy.

Only you aren’t believing this feeling comes from outside of you, from another human being. It’s coming from inside of you and the way you see.

When I go all the way back to the most troubling person (or people) in my world, and I question what I’m thinking about them, what I believe I learned from them, how I think they affected me and hurt me….

The most amazing thing happens. Freedom.

If we felt good already, if we felt happy, joyful, awake and free…we wouldn’t be drawn to do The Work in the first place.

Who in your life, when you think of them, brings up sadness in you, or anger, or nervousness, worry, disappointment?

Go there. Look again. Write down your judgments of that person. Keep them simple. Be thorough. Be petty, mean, obnoxious. Do not edit yourself. Be non-politically correct, rude, controlling, bitchy, needy, desperate, embarrassing.

These thoughts can now be the gold of your awakening. Really.

Don’t sigh and think “I already did this, I already have looked…” It is OK to look again since the judgments still exist. Since they are there, they are waiting and available to be seen, with new eyes.

This may be the last time you ever see this way again, if you dive into self-inquiry in a truly honest way by answering the Four Questions. Milk it for all its worth.

“The apparent craziness of the world, like everything else, is a gift that we can use to set our minds free. Any stressful thought that you have about the planet, for example, shows you where you are stuck, where your energy is being exhausted in not fully meeting life as it is, without conditions…Until you can love what is—everything, including the apparent violence and craziness—you’re separate from the world, and you’ll see it as dangerous and frightening. I invite everyone to put these fearful thoughts on paper, question them, and set themselves free.”~Byron Katie

If you’d like help with this process and to start from right where you are…there is one space left in the Seattle One Day workshop next Saturday. Write grace@workwithgrace.com if you’re the one. If your only reason not to come is financial, please ask about scholarship help.

So Good To See The Value of The Work
I wanted to tell you how much I appreciated your class. It was so good to learn Inquiry on a deeper level and to see the value, first hand, of doing The Work with others (as opposed to doing it solo.) Thank you so much for making it possible for me and for being such a clear, living example of “being the Work”.~ Becky, Class participant

Love, Grace

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.

November 25, 2012

You Made Me Feel This Way

He is making me so furious! She is making me feel so disappointed! Soooo frustrated!

Must get away from that person! If only they would change! How could they possibly….I mean…. fer gawd sakes what are they thinking!?! DANG IT!

How many times in your life have you had this kind of feeling course through your veins? Or been saying these kinds of words out loud!

You may even KNOW that you are shooting thoughts at that person like bombs, and you know you can’t do anything about their behavior…and yet still the gut reaction is THEY SHOULD BE DIFFERENT.

Then, I would be happier. And by the way, it would be easier if THEY changed. Because…I have no idea how to stop reacting.

Yup. THEY are MAKING me CRAZY.

As humans throughout history have studied psychology, spirituality and relationships …all angles of examining humanity and our behaviors and experiences… there is a common set of ideas all the greatest writers and philosophers seem to grapple with:

If I am here with you, how am I actually influenced by you? What does my family, my childhood, my city, my country, my environment have to do with this thing that is ME?

Then where do you stop and I begin and how do I operate, separately from your responses?

This is like the whole soup of it all, the organism, the hive, how we interact, how we are affected by others.

Who are you, and who am I, and what is going on here when we communicate?

This is a big humongous question.

Dependency or Independency. How are we dependent on each other? What do we rely on from others? How do I get what I need and want here?

If someone else threatens my happiness (or appears to) or seems to not be giving me what I believe I need and want…then what do I say, think, or feel?

Unfortunately, all the reacting, physically and emotionally, can start to feel incredibly dependent…almost out-of-control dependent. Like someone can do something any minute that is my particular trigger and I’ll have a heart attack about it. No steady peace.

For example, once I was on a date quite a few years ago, after divorce.

We went to a very exquisite and fancy restaurant with an amazing view. The man I was with received a phone call mid-meal and left to take it outside.

I waited and looked around at the place. After twenty minutes, I did The Work. Did he leave? What’s going on? I have to know. I am trapped. There’s nothing else I can do. I stood up to go and a waiter stopped me and I realized the establishment felt worried about our table being completely abandoned with no bill paid.

I returned to the table. I knew I was not trapped, I knew this moment could be exciting! I had just questioned my stressful thinking in this “waiting” moment.

A great writer and therapist for couples in the past several decades (his books were introduced to me in graduate school) David Schnarch talks about the most fun, exciting and healthy dynamics between humans is the road to differentiation.

Carl Jung talks about something very similar and calls it “individuation”.

As you become more individual and unique, you discover your own path in life, you don’t lose yourself. In Schnarch’s words, you “hold on to yourself” in the middle of any relationship.

Independence….the sense that I love following my own authority, me knowing what I want and need and then going to get it, being self-reliant, being OK where I am and psyched that I’m continuing along an expansive path somehow.

Then Boom. Something BAD is happening around here. It looks chaotic, or scary, or weird, or like I’m being abandoned, or like I’m sitting in a restaurant all alone WAITING. And it’s someone else’s fault.

I suddenly realized…although I had been watching them for almost 30 minutes, that there was a large table of 8 people right near me, with two empty chairs because two people had left temporarily. (I had lots of time to hear their conversations so I knew the two people were returning at some point).

Uncharacteristically, I got up and went over to their table and said “May I join you?”

The whole table was delighted and welcomed me in. They were the family of the restaurant owners. The two people away from the table were getting a tour of the grounds. This restaurant had been here for 100 years.

It was so much fun, I hardly noticed when my date returned from his one-hour business phone call. In fact, I didn’t want him to come back yet.

No one “made” me feel bad in that waiting moment….except me. Until I questioned my thinking and it opened up a world of options that I couldn’t see before.

WOW. If we don’t think that someone’s behavior, or any situation, is MAKING us feel bad and there’s no way out….

What else could be possible?

If you really, really are not stuck….if you really are not 100% trapped….what could happen today?

Love, Grace

P.S. Only ONE spot left to do The Work for a day in Seattle. Come join us in this amazing process of identifying your painful thinking, and questioning it! Write grace@workwithgrace.com to reserve your spot.

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.