Grace – Page 166 – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

November 22, 2012

No More Leaving

Have you ever wondered why you like someone?

There are often qualities we are conditioned to understand, enjoy, “get”, or relate to easily and well. When someone comes along with just the right amount of the formula that we can relate to, we like them. It may even feel so familiar, like you’ve come home, that you think “OMG! You’re the one I’ve been waiting for! This is FANTASTIC!”

And it’s REALLY REALLY fascinating and wonderful to ask yourself; why? Why this person? Why now? Why am I so drawn? Why do I like them sooooooo much?

What is going on here?

Anthony De Mello writes in his sweet book Awareness “If you’re attached to appreciation and praise, you’re going to view people in terms of their threat to your attachment or their fostering of your attachment.”

I remember realizing that with some people, the actual reason I liked them, as Tony De Mello also discovered, is that they do the behavior or say the words that show they are enjoying themselves in my company, they are feeling good, I am feeling good. We are appreciating each other.

I like them because they like me. They like me because I like them. It’s like we recognize each other as people who can give and receive appreciation, love, approval, praise in a way that is comfortable, familiar.

It’s like there’s a measurement device faster than the speed of thought that is a very sensitive sensor, looking at all these energies or personality traits and behaviors. All of it getting measured against the comfort zone. My comfort zone.

It’s like getting into a mode where we’re tasting the personalities of porridge, like Goldilocks, and we know immediately when it’s JUST RIGHT.

Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the beauty of connecting, making intimate contact with someone (or many), being real, honest, joyful….being around someone who inspires you!

But this attachment sensor is powerful. It’s even become a theory in the psychological field, that people are driven by their conditioning around attachment and connection.

So what happens when you really like someone, you’ve had a wonderful feeling with them, deep intimate connection….and then they drift away, or tell you it’s not working for them? They say NO. They’re too busy, they don’t have the time, their life circumstance changed and they aren’t available anymore. They don’t return your calls.

Rats.

You may get to find out what you’ve been attached to.

They don’t like me after all, I did something wrong, I offended them. What did I say, do or think that distressed them? I have to figure it out. I am not important, I am not lovable, I am not worth it to them, I am dismiss-able, I am worthy of being ignored. This is terrible, this is a problem. Agony, worry, fear, hand-wringing, busy mind.

The scale of this pain can be at a level of 100, like when your life partner of 20 years leaves….or it can be a 10 like when a co-worker you used to have a coffee break with every day says they don’t have time for that anymore.

“The truth is everything will be OK as soon as you are OK with everything. And that’s the only time everything will be OK.”~ Michael Singer

I start with the most simple of core stressful thoughts in this situation, where I am here with myself, and that person I have so enjoyed seems to be gone.

I need to talk with them, I need to be with them NOW….Is that true? Am I OK right here in this moment, without their presence? Can I connect with others, if I want to talk or listen?

This one human being out of billions on the planet is the ONLY ONE that will resolve this feeling of detachment. Like a baby whose mother dies. Only that human being, that baby’s mother returning, will bring genuine happiness back.

IS THAT ABSOLUTELY TRUE?

Could it be that if someone is gone, if they break up with me, if they move away, perhaps even if they die, that I can still be happy? Could I get what I need and want from someone else?

“How do we love ourselves? One way is by not seeking approval outside ourselves–that’s my experience. By not seeking approval outside myself, I come to see that I already have it. I don’t want approval; I want people to think the way they think. If I seek your approval, it’s not comfortable.”~Byron Katie

I notice that when I question my thoughts about that person and their level of contact with me (or lack of it) that I have no idea really what it means. I can’t know at all it means they don’t like me, care about me, or that I am worthy of being left.

And there are so so many other human beings in the universe…and more places in this world than anyone could ever explore. So many possibilities!

There is intimacy right here in this moment. Appreciation for this present moment.

I once saw a motivational speaker called Bob Proctor on film talking about how much he enjoyed his own company. He was so enthusiastic. So full of playful happiness! He exclaimed “I just LOVE myself! I am so much fun to be around!” and then he kissed his own hand with such childlike joy, it made me laugh out loud.

That is what it is like without the thought that I need that person to come back, to say they like me, to say I didn’t do anything wrong, to comfort me, to call me.

Without the thoughts that anyone should be nearer than they are, without feeling attached or detached or concerned or anxious or fearful…I appreciate myself. I find what is lovely, precious and comforting, right here, right now.

At some point

Your relationship With God

Will become like this:

Next time you meet Him in the forest

Or on a crowded street

There won’t be anymore “Leaving”.

That is,

God will climb into Your pocket.

You will simply just take
Yourself

Along!

~Hafiz

You are beautiful.

Love, Grace

P.S. Only a few spots left to do The Work for a day in Seattle. Come join us in this amazing process of identifying your painful thinking, and questioning it! Write grace@workwithgrace.com to reserve your spot.

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.

Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. To register for either weekend workshop, click here!Fill in the workshop fee after you click the Buy button at the bottom of the page. You can use paypal or any credit card (you don’t need a paypal account).

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

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November 21, 2012

When You Can’t Stand Losing

Winning and Losing. People get soooo excited about these things. You may have noticed.

They scream and yell, paint their faces, don unusual clothing, carry weapons, train their bodies for hours, weeks, and years, lie, hide, cheat, defend, gather, get, hoard, sell, buy, strut, disappear….all in the effort to meet their future goal: winning or losing.

It seems like people usually like to “win”. But the very definition of the word, and its origin in English, means to toil, struggle, strive or fight. To succeed by struggling. There has to be a contest! There has to be some kind of opponent!

Otherwise….yawn.

Then there is losing. No one wants to be the loser on first glance.

Given a second look, sometimes there are big advantages. In the dictionary, lose means to perish or separate, cut apart, divide, untie, to part with accidentally or without meaning or trying to.

When we say we lost or we won something, the feeling that follows is really the thing that indicates what we believe about this loss or win.

Yay! I won! Boo! I lost!

When I began to do The Work, one wonderful thing I realized that the feelings I had about everything were such excellent clues, pointing to where I believed something was “good” or “bad”.

Today I lost my cell phone. BOOOOOO!

As I looked in all the usual places I started banging around the house. I KNOW IT’S HERE. How can it have disappeared? It was just in my hand 15 minutes ago! For cryin’ out loud!!

Hmmm, do we have a little frustration entering the scene?

The first utterance about Truth
Is the first step
Down the path of deceit.
~ Ram Tzu in No Way

Here is something misplaced, an object that seems like it is usually HERE, and now it’s NOT. So simple, so non-emergency, really not that important…and yet a little fire has come into the picture.

Even on this small scale, the thought is still present “the thing I am thinking about should be here, it is not, and I don’t like it.”

True? YES! What do you mean “is it true?!” Of course it is true!

That is exactly how I was behaving. Within maybe 10 seconds of not seeing the phone anywhere, in any of the usual places.

It is true and it sucks. It is true and this is NOT good. This is NOT convenient. This is NOT smooth. This is NOT peaceful. I demand the phone show up immediately!!

Full Stop. Um. Could this be a little stressy moment?

I notice today that I never find the phone (yet). But with self-inquiry…the reaction dissolves itself practically moments after it was arising. OK OK, an HOUR after it was arising!

Do I actually need the phone? Do I need to find those photos? Can I live without that file, those papers, my wallet, that dish, my water bottle, that earring?

How about not just living without it…but living joyfully without it. Everything still convenient, smooth, good, peaceful. What if this is funny…because something seems funny about all this now.

What could be the good news about losing my phone?

Today, I had two full hours in between clients where instead of making any return calls or texting or listening to messages or checking emails….I had a huge personal planning session for my upcoming year.

I went to a little cafe with my laptop that I haven’t been to in ages, to sit. Without a phone.

I took final notes on a new teleclass I’m ALMOST about to offer (I know some of you have been waiting) on Pain, Sickness and Death. I wrote for 30 minutes on my book I’m writing on recovering from an eating disorder. I wrote down six unfinished things that I know will be possible and fun to complete this week.

I find that each time I see the goodness, the advantage, and the peace in things going the way they do…I notice I’m….happy. Kind of simple.

Who am I without the thought that I need to feel a certain way about losing ANYTHING?

Without losing being so harsh…winning also is more mysterious. Who knows if it’s really good today. Maybe winning, whatever it is, is more normal and not so hyped up or over-the-top or exhilarating as its cracked up to be.

You may have to think for a minute to find examples of why the way it’s going is OK. You may have to be open to finding out later, that these examples will come to you at a future time.

There may be some other reason I don’t even know yet, that I’m not aware of, that what I’ve lost is good.

Not just a phone….but a marriage, my childhood, my big house, a pregnancy, my bank account, a client, part of my leg, old photos.

“Not wanting to change what is, is a state of mind that is literally unimaginable. There’s no sacrifice in it, no deprivation–quite the opposite, in fact. It means to gain everything, the everything that is already yours, and the effect is peace. People who use The Work at home as a practice tell me that they find their own freedom.”~Byron Katie

Any tiny moment where I think I have deprivation, loss….could it be that there is something gained, even as that thing is disappearing?

Could the universe be friendly?

Love, Grace

November 20, 2012

Me? Jealous? Never!

The dynamic of jealousy can be one of the most painful, agonizing experiences a human can have internally, believing their fearful thoughts about someone else being better than us, someone else ditching us or finding us unimportant, and what it could mean about the future, or about the past.

There are several kinds of jealousy, it seems: sibling jealousy, workplace jealousy, romantic jealousy, jealousy in friendships, business jealousy, success jealousy.

And then on top of it all….there is often condemnation of the person who is actually jealous. That person is crazy, insecure, wrong, mixed up, fearful, distrusting, resentful.

That jealous person needs to work through their issues! JEEZ! Get a life!

No one would want to be around a jealous person. No one wants to get involved with a jealous person. Not one wants to BE the jealous person.

I used to think of myself as very NON jealous. I rarely experienced it in romantic relationships. Why would I want a prison for a relationship? Why would I want to ask a someone to adjust their contact with others so I myself could feel more comfortable? That seemed weird.

I was sooooo above all that.

Until I noticed one day several years ago that I was “jealous” of a woman who was very successful in her field. She offered great service to clients, she was a former dancer in incredible physical condition, she is 14 years younger than me, she had a book published in 10 languages, she ran events that she led that drew 1000 people, she made six-figures every month, and she had amazingly gorgeous hair.

And then there were MORE women like her showing up in my life. People who apparently, the story went, had a gazillion dollars more than ME and were published! Creative! Inventive! Crowds of followers!

It was like the areas of this world I found difficult but highly valuable….and felt a bit lacking in….were all displayed in these amazing women. There she was, the successful one over there.

Here I was, the dork over here who had debt, age, non-accomplishment, failure, sickness, and not only was not published, but I hadn’t ever even finished a whole book.

My hair at least was OK.

Jealousy shows up in different ways for different people. I felt like these women were larger than life. Beyond me. Extraordinary.

Eckhart Tolle speaks about jealousy and envy as a view of others from the absolute perspective of lack.

“The basic condition of the egoic self is a deep-seated sense of lack, of not enough, not complete…and then it looks for the next thing to fill the hole that is always there…” ~Eckhart Tolle

So at that moment that I noticed someone on the planet who I admired enormously, someone who amazed me with her accomplishments.

And I noticed at the same moment practically that I simply could never do what she has done. Oh how deflating. I’ll never get there, never be that, never do it.

That part of the mind likes to compare. It’s like the most dissatisfied, worried, anxious voice you ever heard. What’s wrong with you? How much of your life have you sat around on your butt? I’ve heard of wasting time but this is ridiculous! You see that over there? That’s what success looks like! Fer Gawdsakes, look at you!

Identifying and questioning these pesky little thoughts when they spring forward can catch the most powerful moment of jealousy or envy in the bud, and nip it.

“When we’re in the student position, we’re growing. When we’re in the teaching position, we’re stuck…There is nothing negative in the world. If I see something negative, I am believing insane thoughts…” ~Byron Katie

If I am a person who questions my thinking, who is open to the unknown, to mystery…if I am someone who is a student of my awareness, of the reality that shows up around me…then I notice I do not compare.

There is nothing negative in the world, INCLUDING ME. Including you.

What could be fabulous about this incredible, accomplished woman showing up in my life?

Wow. I have a role model. I am inspired. I see how she’s a human being, like me. I can turn the thoughts I have around of myself like “I’ll never make it. I can’t do it. I’m not successful. It’s too late for me. I’m not good enough.”

Really?

Maybe instead, as a student, a teacher has appeared. Showing me the inspiration, joy, beauty, power, success, excellence, and achievement that is possible.

Everyone is God in disguise. The rough people, and the idolized people as well.

“The difference between a good artist and a great one is: the novice will often lay down his tool or brush, then pick up an invisible club on the mind’s table, and helplessly smash the easels and jade. Whereas the vintage man no longer hurts himself, or anyone, and keeps on sculpting Light.” ~ Hafiz

Question your thoughts when you believe you don’t measure up to that other image, over there. Question your not-enough-ness.

Sculpt your light.

Love, Grace

November 19, 2012

Ending The Inner Holocaust

I will never forget when I first was exposed to The Work on the WWII holocaust. I had already been doing The Work for awhile. I was at an event with Katie known as The Cleanse, where people come from all over the world to do The Work and listen to Katie working with individuals on stage.

This is one of the most devastating, terrifying experiences of human history for many people…any holocaust. When many are killed violently by others. Groups of people against each other, terror, dictators, destruction.

I had written a worksheet on Hitler before, but not questioned and investigated all my fears and beliefs about him within my mind. It’s almost like I couldn’t quite go there yet, I couldn’t see how one could even ask whether or not the holocaust was horrifying…or question that its occurrence was hell. It was horrifying, that was just true.

How could any of us accept this kind of experience? And I could NEVER love it, that’s for sure.

A woman sat in the chair with Katie and read her worksheet. Instead of the worksheet being on Hitler or the Nazis, it was directed to the people who walked to their death, the victims. They should have done something, they should have run, they should have fought.

As I listened to the story of how the victims should have fought, with violence against violence, self-defense, something in me became willing to consider every little nuance of my own perspective.

Just by listening to someone else do The Work, the questions were present inside me. The answers were alive.

It didn’t mean I had to love it. It didn’t mean I had to fear it either.

I had other visions of terror. Viet Nam, Cambodia’s Killing Fields, Rwanda, the Wounded Knee Massacre, Hiroshima, WWI. Many stories.

I had never been in an actual war myself, or even been around a real gun that went off.

And yet, just hearing the stories….I was scared about the nature of humanity, what it was capable of. I had been scared my entire life.

Sometimes when we ask the question “is it true?” about something we are believing, it seems like the answer is absolutely yes. Those situations, those wars, that horror, that was pure hell-on-earth darkness.

And that day, even while in my own life it felt like everything was falling apart (divorce, moving, almost no money left, sleepless nights, unhappy) I heard an amazing idea:

What if that event was not 100% absolute total and complete destruction? What if something could rise out of it that was healing?

I once heard Katie say “if I break my arm, I immediately begin to see the advantages”.

What if it was possible to remember or hear these terrible stories about evil in the world, and know we are all OK anyway?

Could it be possible still that the universe is ultimately friendly?

One thought I had was that for the universe to be friendly, then death must not be as bad as I am thinking it is. The most terrible end-result happening there in that awful, gut-wrenching situation was death, or the body being destroyed or maimed (if there was not death).

I realized that I did not actually KNOW that death was horrendous. I did not know that if I died with a group of other people, all at once together, that this would be worse than dying on my own.

I also didn’t know whose fault it was. I could say the dictator’s fault….but I don’t really know that. Many factors had to come into play together to create any war.

“Fear teaches fear. Only peace can teach peace.”~Byron Katie

The mind screams in terror, the images repeat themselves. The actual event is over, and then the story lives on to be re-lived.

I notice when I think with terror about these terrifying events in history, I am sitting here as a ball of fearful energy, even if I am surrounded by a silent, quiet house and never have seen an actual real weapon.

This is not about being in denial. In fact, hearing the woman’s work on the holocaust brought me into the feelings and fears I had not even looked at yet.

I was coming OUT of denial.

I realized that without questioning my thinking, I saw myself and people who were “victims” as small, powerless, sad, hopeless creatures. I saw dictators as crazy, insane, violent, brutal destroyers of happiness. End of story.

“The war I made against my family and against myself was as brutal as any bomb that could be dropped. And at a certain point, I stopped bombing myself. I began to do this Work. I answered the questions with a simple yes or no. I sat in the answers, I let them sink in, and I found freedom…..This story is your gift. When you can experience it without fear, your work is done. There is only one person who can end your internal war, and that’s you.”~Byron Katie

If you’re ready to go for it, write a worksheet today on that person or people who were to blame for introducing fear, ruin, devastation, decimation into this world.

Bring yourself this investigation, even if it seems hopeless or unfathomable that peace could be present inside you with those terrible images. Maybe it can. Maybe it is.

Love, Grace

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.

November 16, 2012

I Need Time–Not Enough

Boy Howdy the thought “I need more time” really kicked in for me last night.

This is one of those very core ideas that repeats itself. The mind is offering this age-old solution to the problem that generalizes over All Of It in one fell swoop.

Gosh…now that I think about it, TIME is the problem. Yeah, that’s it!

If I just had more time….then I would get “a,b, and c” done. It would already actually be done, right?

If I just had more time….then this moment right here would be very relaxed, open. I would have ALL POSSIBILITIES in front of me. This moment would be pregnant with what is about to be birthed!

Everything would be finished, we would be actually ON the diving board, after making our way all the way to the pool, up the ladder, standing up on the diving board, and walking the length of the entire board.

The Pool would be right below, waiting only for us to dive, fall, or jump in with abandon. Nothing more to complete or achieve. Everything would be wrapped up! Finished! I HAD ENOUGH TIME. Now it’s all “done”.

When I have the thought “I need more time” I can feel deeply drained. Sunken down with a weight upon me of lists and to-do items, dreams of accomplishments dashed, not there yet, worried.

Imagine if someone said “you have six months to live”. You might have the thought “I need more time!”

Sometimes I can get THAT serious in only 5 minutes of finding proof that I don’t have enough time and I need more.

It’s obvious! It’s true! Not enough! I need more!

The thing is, it turns out to be the same kind of hopeful, longing, wanting, desperate thought as all the other things, people, situations, results I have ever wanted.

I NEED.

I have an image of how it would be better, if things went according to me, if I told God/The Universe about this circumstance, and I were granted access to that which is outside the laws of the universe.

Just right now….for me only….more please. More time. Turn back the clock. Or leave the clock on the same hour for awhile. Anything! Extra! I need more!

The way it feels in the body when it is stressful is in my throat I feel tight, tense, like a wail is under the surface wanting to rise up. Sad sad sad. Kind of a clawing drama. Or panicked, like I can’t stop hurrying. It’s a race.

But this also tells me AHA! I am believing something that isn’t really true for me!

Stress is the temple bell (or the gong…or the sound of something exploding) going off as a reminder to do The Work.

So what do you need more time for anyway? If you could push the PAUSE button on life and have infinite time. What would it give you?

A clean house! Hmmm….maybe there is something more important than cleanliness for me that I would want (chuckle).

Success, rest, play, fun, pleasure, no care in the world, peace, expressing love, security, happiness (more time= more money= security).

Find your stepping stones. What would you have, if you had that thing you want more of? It may be a person, if it isn’t TIME. It may be money. It may be a relationship, silence, peace, enlightenment.

That thing I want, that experience, that place of being is over there, not here. When I get that thing, I will be over there.

Are you sure?

And are you sure you need this thing (time) in order to have relaxation, security, success, love and peace?

Or a clean house?

What if you have ENOUGH. Right now. Entirely, completely, marvelously, wonderfully, magnificently enough.

This is not about only pretending you DO have enough….for me, this is seeing that it is possible to experience right now that there is enough. By finding specific examples. Real ones that I can acknowledge. Really simple ones, as simple as they need to be.

I have enough time to email my sister, a day LATE (ha) how much I love and appreciate her, since I thought of her on her birthday yesterday.

I have enough time, apparently, to write this article.

I have enough time to have spent 90 minutes with my amazing husband 2 days ago after a surprise hour without a client scheduled, when he just happened to arrive home earlier than usual.

I had enough time to be with my gorgeous 15 year old daughter on an errand last night…..that turned into 3 hours.

The universe is actually showing me what I need time for. It’s already happening.

Maybe you need time for silence, being single, being unemployed, having very little money, reading this Grace Note, healing, having nothing, cancer, pain, someone dying.

It may sound harsh….it may feel scary or very sad, you may feel unhappy. See if you really need more time, or more of that thing you are sure you want that is different than what is happening right now.

See what could be pointing you towards this moment, here, and having enough in it of whatever you are looking for.

In this moment, I have silence, a sweet living room cottage with lots of air to breathe, colors, furniture, sounds of far-away traffic, an eagle chirping, a teleclass group starting in 20 minutes of the most beautiful, lovely people from several countries around the world.

In this moment I have happiness.

“When you’ve become a total success in business and have more money than you could ever spend, what are you going to have? Happiness? Isn’t that why you wanted money? Let’s take a shortcut that can last a lifetime. Answer this question: Who would you be without the story ‘My future depends on making a lot of money?’ Happier. More relaxed. With or without the money. You’d have everything you wanted money for in the first place”~ Byron Katie

Same with Time. Who would I be without the thought that I would be happier, or more successful, if I had more time?

“There is a time for being ahead, a time for being behind; a time for being in motion, a time for being at rest; a time for being vigorous, a time for being exhausted; a time for being safe, a time for being in danger. The Master sees things as they are, without trying to control them. She lets them go their own way, and resides at the center of the circle.”~Tao Te Ching #29

Love, Grace

November 14, 2012

My Sister Is Sooooooo Irritating

Hello Dear Inquirers,

Several people have written to me about teenagers, inspired by my recent posts. Pre-teens as well. Why do they act that way? Why so dramatic? Why so short-tempered, or irritable, or rude? Have you done the work with teenagers?

Teenagers may have a reputation for “acting out” but really, perhaps they have some important reason for being so hostile. They may have something incredible to say. They also may be able to be less complicated, and catch on quickly to new ways of looking at something.

I have not done The Work often with my amazing children. But they see the benefits of their mother questioning her thoughts about them, I can guarantee it.

There was, however, one amazing moment where my children were fighting, and The Work sprang forward as the thing to do, right there on the spot.

My son, the older sibling, was saying something under his breath that my daughter (who admires her older brother) was perceiving as mean.

As usual, my son’s voice was quiet, I couldn’t hear the content. Then my daughter screamed “that is SO MEAN! I hate you!” at her brother.

I think he may have chuckled or scoffed. It wasn’t taken favorably, it seemed to incite the rage already present in my daughter.

Of course, there I was noticing from the other corner of the room my thoughts talking to me: they shouldn’t fight, here we go again, I must stop this, the noise of screaming is horrible, I don’t know what to do…

But somehow, in that moment, I remained in the seat of the observer, like the Work was working me and I wasn’t believing these thoughts…everything happening at once, but seeing a broader view of it all.

When there was a moment of red hot, angry silence, I said to my daughter: “what are you thinking right now that is really bugging you?”

In an angry voice, with her eyes burrowing like lazer beams into her brother, she pointed at him and said “he HATES me!”

I asked her then “Is that absolutely true, are you positive?”

“YES!!!!!!!!”

“You want to do The Work questions?”

“NO!!!!!!!!!”

Then my son said “I’ll do The Work!”

“Well, what are you thinking right now about your sister?!” My son replied “she is so irritating”.

My daughter hit her hands on the table. But stayed seated near her brother. I could tell something was OK about all this…at least I thought so. She wasn’t crying. She didn’t storm out.

“Is it true that your sister is irritating?”

Pause. “Well….not all the time.”

My daughter leaned back in her chair, not so on edge, defensive, ready to pounce.

“What would it be like right now if you didn’t have that thought that she is irritating?”

“I guess everything would be cool….but I HAVE the thought, so I’m not even sure. Calmer I guess. Maybe.” My daughter unfolded her arms. She was very interested in listening. All ears.

“What is the opposite of your thought, the complete opposite?”

“She is not irritating. She’s cool.”

“Can you find an example of how that is true, even right now perhaps?”

As my son found the examples, and then found another turnaround that HE is irritating, both kids burst out laughing. The whole thing was 10 minutes.

I couldn’t have planned it that way.

It seemed like they went from zero to LOVE and humor in 10 minutes. A wonderful example of the beautiful world of strong, intense, dramatic teenage thinking, for me.

Much love,
Grace

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.

November 13, 2012

Teenage Drama Inquiry

“We’re leaving our home for a one-year adventure”. My parents announced this to me and my three sisters when I was 14.

I would miss my entire freshman year of high school in the US.

At the time, I had no idea the changes I was about to experience. My teenage thoughts were like this: I will miss good stuff here at home, I don’t understand why we are going, some of the countries we are traveling to are weird, one country we’re visiting called South Africa is really messed up, our dog will miss us, people will forget about me, I’ll be behind in school, I’ll miss my friends. NOOOOOO!!!

My parents were scraping the money together to do this. Selling things in order to be able to go. My dad had a teaching job lined up in South Africa first, and then London, England.

My parents were so enthusiastic and excited. Traveling the world was like a dream come true for them. Just being around them, I SORT OF felt excited about the possibilities. Seeing strange and unusual things. Maybe.

If it was my choice, however, I would have chosen to STAY HOME.

One of the strangest and yet common experiences humans have in growing older, maturing, learning and “seeing” is when something you once thought you understood is no longer the same, because you now know much more.

Before that one-year journey with my family (we traveled to ten countries) my world appeared full. I wondered about many things. I was constantly thinking about the novels or books I was reading, my friends, boys, clothes, my appearance, my sisters…and sometimes concerned about death, God, goodness, badness, success, happiness, life.

But not until actually going into the unknown world and observing, watching, and listening did my world become bigger. And I didn’t do it. It was not my idea, it was not my plan.

My parents led the way. They were inspired for their own journeys, and I came along with my sisters as a part of the adventure. This shifted things in a way I would have never, ever chosen if it was up to me.

Many of us think about the difference between something happening TO us, or us makingsomething happen. We have pretty strong thoughts about something being completely unplanned, instigated or ignited by someone else, and what we intend or implement ourselves.

It can feel like the stuff we “make” happen we have control over. The other stuff we don’t.

The thing is, we actually don’t have much control over anything.

Anything could happen, at any moment of the day. Even when we stay home.

Other people get crazy ideas, offer interesting perspectives, say things, do things, come and go, change it up. On first glance, what they are doing may not seem good. Not helpful. Not fun. NOT productive. NOT what I want. (Like my parents’ crazy travel adventure).

Doing The Work, questioning your assumptions, your fears, your belief that THIS IS NOT GOOD….can actually change your experience of the situation.

What if you don’t know whether it’s good or not? What if there actually IS something just a teensy tiny bit good about it? What if what is happening might lead you somewhere else, in another unexpected direction, better than you could imagine? What if your mind grows bigger, your life expands to another broader perspective?

“Every thought, every person, every apparent problem is here for the sake of your freedom. When you experience anything as separate or unacceptable, inquiry can bring you back to the peace you felt before you believed the thought.”~Byron Katie

When I was 14, I thought I had a problem. A big one. I was being RIPPED from my first year of high school full of people and fun stuff happening!

It was one of my biggest wake-up calls of my life. One I am incredibly grateful for. I soon had a much, much bigger interest beyond my little life…and what I learned, and the connections I made, I didn’t realize would continue to be important, even today.

Traveling the world like I got to do is easy to think of as a Big Fabulous Opportunity. Most adults think so. But to me at 14? It was a Big Horrible Disaster.

What is happening in your life that is calling you to expand your mind, open yourself up to seeing it differently, not be so AGAINST it?

Are you feeling like a teenager? Maybe acting like one? It’s only fear. It’s only imagining that what is to come couldn’t be as good as what you previously expected. It’s only thinking that keeping things they way they are is best.

And here’s the most fun news of all: Maybe you don’t have to run the show. Maybe something else wiser (like parents) or the universe itself knows an even better way than the one you’re dreaming up.

“The Master does his job and then stops. He understands that the universe is forever out of control, and that trying to dominate events goes against the current of the Tao…” ~Tao Te Ching #30

Much love,

Grace

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.

November 12, 2012

Eat, Sleep and Cry, Oh My!

A lovely inquirer and reader wrote to me this past weekend. She had a common dilemma. One I experienced frequently in the past, from even before I knew about the simple steps of The Work.

“I want to know how to find the thought that makes me want to EAT, SLEEP AND CRY right now!”

There I would be, overwhelmed with feeling, wanting to shut down, disappear, sleep, desiring freedom, peace, anxious, annoyed, flustered, confused.

Oh boy, ingesting something would be good right now, shift the energy for sure.

What do we humans do when we feel confused or overwhelmed?

We can start from the most simple place. It seems difficult to find the thought(s). But that itself can be such a trap.

I have to find the perfect thought to question
I can’t find any stressful beliefs right now
There is a thought here that is disturbing, but I don’t know what it is
I feel like drinking, eating, sleeping, zoning out, watching TV, escaping
I can’t identify anything I am thinking except that I want to change, right now!
I am confused
This is terrible, I hate feeling this way
I can’t stand this

Confusion itself can have about a million stressful, negative, painful thoughts associated with it. So the internal process blossoms from a little hum into a five-piece quintet, into a full blown symphony. In about 10 seconds.

Byron Katie says that the way we can tell that something is bothering us, is that we feel stress, and when we feel stress, we are believing something that IS NOT ACTUALLY TRUE for us. So, stress = believing untrue thoughts.

The more stress, the more I know I am repeating thoughts inside my own mind in my own story that if examined, I discover I don’t actually believe afterall.

It gets louder when I am repeating thoughts more frequently, without questioning them, that are not true for me.

If you are used to pounding yourself with untrue thoughts, without questioning them, then you get used to the process of experiencing a kind of zero-to-1000 MPH in less than 60 seconds, much faster than any vehicle. Rocket speed!

So I wrote back to the reader, and I suggested she write down whatever she was thinking, for 15 minutes if at all possible, but if she could only do it for three, then that is good enough.

I am someone who tried EVERYTHING to get some immediate relief from busy stressful thinking. A junkie for relief. I was confused and upset…but I also did NOT want to work.

Why? Because I didn’t think I really had good answers to the questions offered for self-inquiry. I didn’t think I was good enough, powerful enough, interesting enough.

I didn’t think that finding my own way through the jungle would actually lead me anywhere. My view of myself was pretty twisted. I’m a rebellious loser. Too smart for my own good. Too egotistical. Too blind.

I thought I needed help, I thought I was in need of additional input. So that kept me looking Out There for answers. I thought they would be quicker.

The thing is, the answers and authors and teachers I encountered that I felt positive about, and even the ones I didn’t, all led me back to….ME.

But wait, I am the loser who is less-than-perfect who is trying to find answers. Jeez! I hate this Loopy Cycle!

Forget all that. Or even if you can’t forget (not a problem really, overall) then just take only this moment and see if you can trust that whatever is going on in your mind is not Beyond Confusion, or impossible, or hopeless.

It’s just there, being the thinking-feeling-machine trying to do its job.

Here in this moment, it is good enough. It is enough. You can write. You can put some of your numerous stressful beliefs down on paper. Only do it for 60 seconds if that’s all you can dream of doing. Before you go drink or eat or smoke, even better.

These thoughts are GOLD. They may look boring, stupid, ridiculous, horrifying, mean, vicious or despairing. But let that voice have its say anyway.

Then, you will have what you are thinking right there in the moment. You can go backwards into what you were thinking 10 minutes before you started feeling most overwhelmed. What about an hour before, or earlier in the day?

Did anything happen that threatened your peace? Did you remember something? Did someone say something that was bothersome?

Let yourself write whatever comes along in that stressful moment. “I’m lonely, I hate my life, I need more money, he shouldn’t have looked at me like that, she doesn’t like me, the weather is terrible, the floor needs to be vacuumed, no one helps around here, it would be better with a life-partner, this is boring, I’m too fat, I should exercise more, I don’t take care of myself…”

Then begin to investigate. I just want to eat, sleep and cry right now…and this is terrible. I’m too confused. I don’t know where to begin.

Is that true? Who would you be without that thought?

If you need help with this process, or a boost, or tune-up, or want to spend some time on that one particular relationship that’s really bugging you, come to the all day event on December 1st. Of course, you’ll be pointed back to YOU. To register click HERE.

“There’s no place, there’s no dark hole you can go into, where inquiry won’t follow. Inquiry lives inside you if you nurture it for a while. The it takes on its own life and automatically nurtures you. And you’re never given more pain than you can handle. You never, ever get more than you can take. That’s a promise.”~Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.

November 10, 2012

Crazy Like Romeo And Juliet

Last night I saw Romeo and Juliet at the local high school theater performance in my town.

I know this play really well. I actually played Juliet in college on stage, so at one time I practically knew the whole play by heart.

And in my life, I have known that whole play by heart.

As I teared up during the finale, when everyone is dead and “all are punished” I also smiled on the inside. These people were crazy! Mega-attached, dramatic, killing themselves with knives, killing other people with swords, weeping and howling and depressive, or manic, or enraged.

In case you don’t remember, Romeo is wildly in love with someone else named Roslyn at the beginning of the play…then he switches in one night to Juliet.

He also actively participates in killing two people, and then of course himself. And Juliet, as we know, also kills herself.

Good lord! No one seemed to know about questioning their thinking….although Shakespeare does appear to have knowledge of this himself. His poetry, prose and plays are filled with awareness of what life could be like beyond this “believing” mind.

“There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.”~William Shakespeare

Now, after being able to ask myself if what I am thinking is actually true or not, in my own opinion and no one else’s opinion, I find the joy of not really knowing, and being aware that some of what I thought was really, seriously true…is not.

So there I was in the past *desperate* for HIM to love me, want me, pay attention to me, talk to me, be with me, call me, write me, email me, stop by, adore me, please me.

We don’t like admitting these kinds of things.

Ha! I say with a chuckle, that was soooooo long ago, when I was a teenager! I’m not like that anymore.

[A very loud buzzer sound just went off]

Oops! Oh, now that I think about it, I had a longing for HIM to come find me as I sat looking out at the beach on vacation LAST WEEK (my husband).

I may not have been all a flutter in quite the same manner as Juliet, or ready to stab myself with a dagger, but these tiny moments are the same.

I need him to listen to me, I want her to be kinder to me, I need him to understand me, I want her to like me, he should talk with me, she should appreciate me, he should contact me, she should call me, he should show up.

That voice or feeling inside appears, it wants something to come from OVER THERE towards ME.

Being here in myself feels somehow not quite interesting enough, even lonely, empty, solitary, purposeless, lost, boring, meaningless.

These sensations or thoughts can happen with our children, friends, parents, bosses or lovers.

Or God, the Universe, Source, Reality. It isn’t close enough, it should be closer, I should feel it right here with me all the time, there is separation, I don’t get this, I need something more…

So what if this sense, thought, or feeling that something is ABSENT is questioned?

What if nothing is absent, missing, or too far away?

Can you imagine who Romeo and Juliet and the whole entire rest of the cast would BE without the thought that something was tragically missing?

Without the thought, if someone is busy, and focused on NOT ME I would remember that I’ve been spared (one of Katie’s little sayings I love).

I’d have an open, excited, curious, smiling feeling on the inside of my whole body.

Looking out at the ocean, last week, without the thought that anyone else should be here looking at the ocean with me, I stare with joy and amazement at the grand sight. Nothing to do, nothing to say, no one else here, just me and the Big Mystery.

Without the thought….sitting, looking, everything slower.

I love that Shakespeare wrote Romeo and Juliet. He shows so well what happens when we’re believing with a vengeance: fearful, secretive, sneaky, sleepless, worried, banished, cautious, defiant, fighting a war, crazed, terrified.

Who would you be without the thought that you actually need anyone? You might think that you’d be cold, and no one would ever be around, and you’d have no friends, or your children would never call you up.

Find out!

“You are the one you’ve been waiting for”~Byron Katie

And by the way…if you have some sticky little thoughts that sound like needy ones, come on over to do The Work on Dec. 1st. It’s gonna be good! To register click HERE.

Much love, Grace

November 9, 2012

There Is A Community Of The Spirit

Today, it’s almost all Rumi. One of my favorite poems by him is below. Re-read it here today.

For me, this says we are all here in THIS together. Be here with everyone, don’t push anyone out or hate anyone. Feel what it really means to relax yourself in the midst of suffering, or what you think is suffering.

This poem says to watch what you are afraid of and let it parade by. Don’t grab on to it. It can feel like fear can overtake us: cancer, money-all-gone, people dying, violence, slow traffic, she left me, I can’t live without her, I need to succeed, be someone, do something, I didn’t like the way he said that, she watches too much TV, I’m a bad mother, I should be more extroverted, she is too harsh, it is too hard, I don’t have enough time, my cellulite is ugly, the house is too messy, no one else cleans the dishes, I am too nervous…..

Today I notice that behind the frantic, busy, fearful little buzzing, hissing mind…is silence.

I play with relaxing and it feels like energy going right through my stomach and out the back. Everything opening, cutting through. Doesn’t matter, all is well. Everything changes.

This thing I think is so important, or worrisome? It isn’t really.

There is a community of the spirit.

Join it, and feel the delight of walking in the noisy street, and being the noise.

Drink all your passion, and be a disgrace.

Close both eyes to see with the other eye.

Open your hands, if you want to be held.

Sit down in this circle.

Quit acting like a wolf, and feel the shepherd’s love filling you.

At night, your beloved wanders.

Don’t accept consolations.

Close your mouth against food.

Taste the lover’s mouth in yours.

You moan, “She left me.” “He left me.”

Twenty more will come.

Be empty of worrying. Think of who created thought!

Why do you stay in prison when the door is so wide open?

Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking.

Live in silence.

Flow down and down in always widening rings of being.

~Rumi

Love, Grace

P.S. This intensive day I call Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven. The relationship I am referring to is….THAT UGLY, UNCOMFORTABLE ONE. It could be a partner, your mother, your sister, your job, money, your body. If you have multiple ones, don’t worry. Just start with one, we’ll help you begin to investigate just that one. Who knows what can happen from there.

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.

Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. To register for either weekend workshop, click here!Fill in the workshop fee after you click the Buy button at the bottom of the page. You can use paypal or any credit card (you don’t need a paypal account).