Grace – Page 164 – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

December 21, 2012

That Mean Nasty Person Cut Me Off

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A most sweet client recently came to me with concern for the way someone really close to her had cut her off.

Oh boy…one of my favorite repetitive beliefs. I could relate! I may have mentioned this once or twice before. But there was an interesting new little piece of the puzzle that I noticed more clearly.

The belief that SINCE that person was CAPABLE of distancing, getting mad, cutting me off, going silent, running away, ending the relationship, banishing me…..IT MEANS THAT:

he is mean and nasty
they are stupid, immature, vindictive, wrong, ill, crazy, harsh, hard
he is not loving
she is a terrible person
she is too much of a scaredy cat
she must not have really loved me
I can’t forgive that person
good riddance!

Oopsy Daisy. Unfortunately, this kind of attack-mode can use up a lot of energy mentally and emotionally.

And no one likes being mad at someone else. Just about EVERYONE, if given a choice between hating someone and feeling love and forgiveness towards them will always choose love and forgiveness.

People really are amazing at the core.

So as we looked at the whole set up together, this honest woman and I, she could find how even though the person in question no longer has cut her off (always good to notice) she thinks of how he was capable of it before. How all that time passed without contact.

And she feels sad, and angry, and maybe other feelings as well. Not exactly happy, relaxed, gentle feelings. Not stress-free.

When we get hurt, sometimes it stings for awhile. Sometimes it stings for YEARS. That’s the way of the mind when we don’t investigate the situation.

Is it really, actually 100% true that the person who cut you off is unloving? Are they really too harsh? Given who they are, and what their whole life experience has been….can you know it’s true that they should be different?

Are you sure it would be better if they stuck around?

What if this is like “It’s A Wonderful Life” only in reverse? The thing that is wanted is for the person to be close, connected, around, present. But what happened in reality is the person is distant, absent, gone, bye-bye.

Maybe the way the movie would play out, if the person STAYED, is NOT SO GOOD. Maybe all kinds of totally and completely unforeseen things would play out, if they were present.

Maybe they needed to be gone, for that period of time. Maybe that was just what the doctor ordered, for you. Your path. Your freedom.

How is it OK that this person acted like that? How was it actually, dare I say it, LOVING that they exited out, cut you off, said *NO CONTACT* in that tone of voice?

When my former husband moved out….I started doing The Work as if my life depended on it.

It did.

Because being able to feel trust, acceptance and love was what I wanted most. What all of us want most.

When he left, I could ask myself how this might be a friendly situation? How could this bring me new possibilities? What if this is my ticket to God? What if THIS was my path to peace?

Would I take it away?

Sometimes you don’t know right away what the positive is. Sometimes you don’t know why that person is gone, how that could be good for you.

Or why that job is gone, the money is gone, the time has run out, your health is not good, the day is over, or the birds flew away.

But you don’t have to know.

Examples of how it is true that it is a good thing that the person left when they did (and maybe returned again later) will come to you, if you’re open to it.

“Every single human being is trying his best. We’re all doing the best we can. But when we believe what we think, we have to live out those thoughts. When there’s chaos in our heads, there’s chaos in our lives. when there’s hurt in our thinking, there’s hurt in our lives. Love thy neighbor as thyself? I always have. When I hated me, I hated you. That’s how it works. If I hate someone, I’m mistaking them for me, and solutions remain hidden.”~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. $215. To register click HERE now and then send me an email grace@workwithgrace.com.

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June 2013! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

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December 20, 2012

I Gotta Quit But I Can’t

Yesterday I spoke with a gentle man who wanted to quit smoking. He started when he was a teenager. He’s been smoking for forty years. He might now have lung cancer.

He had tried to quit many times, more than ten. Sometimes he stopped for a couple of days, sometimes a week, sometimes 3 weeks.

And he said, with sadness in his eyes, “I don’t know why I start again…but I do, every time.”

I asked him about that moment when he has an urge to smoke.

The mind moves so fast, it likes to cover up or run past things that are uncomfortable, brush them under the rug. If it can’t brush them away or put it in a closet, then the way thoughts usually go, it seems, is that they get louder, angrier, more stressful, enraged.

The first step the Worried Mind thinks it needs to do, is to silence that tiny uncomfortable moment, thought, or experience…the second step is to try to crush it and destroy it and make sure it never happens again.

But that uncomfortable moment will happen again when this dear man quits smoking.

He has been so amazing to choose to smoke really, to bring himself to these moments of life/death and uncertainty.

There are many thoughts and beliefs that feel true that swirl around for people when they have something going on like smoking….and one of the most wonderful discoveries is finding out what is there, really, below the surface.

To get down under the situation and drill down into the core feelings and thoughts…you often have to start up on the surface.

For me, this is what the surface thoughts up on the outer crust are like:

I need a cigarette
Screw it, I want to be free to do whatever I please
I gotta get outta here
I hate (fill in the blank…that person, traffic, the rain)
I don’t fit in here
I need to calm down

These kinds of thoughts will surface and BOOM, right after they appear…you’re smoking.

Problem solved, situation over…NEXT. You escaped that moment and now, you can move on to the next one.

It feels a little safer to stay up here on the surface, dancing along with starting, quitting, relapsing, not even trying anymore, then trying, then quitting again.

Because under the surface is a bit scarier. At least it was for me. Digging down, there were more dangerous and frightening thoughts:

Life is hard
I don’t know how to deal with people
Everyone abandons me
I just want a little comfort in this difficult world
I will die
I can’t stand being here
I’m a terrible person
The world is a dangerous place, bad things have happened here

NOOO! I can’t admit that I think thoughts like this sometimes! What a pessimist! What a nervous wreck!

Have you noticed that the mind will turn on you just to have a target of its angst? It really seems to be compelled to ATTACK. Busy busy busy.

But to stop, and slow the difficult moment down into slow motion, or even if it’s speedy and screaming “RUUUUUUUUUNNNNNN!”

STOP and ask…..”is it true, that I need to do something, eat something, smoke something, ingest something, get outta here, get away from that person, quit feeling this feeling, quit thinking this way?”

I can’t stand this. Is it true? Are you absolutely sure? What is it specifically that you can’t stand? Living this whole life in a world that is dangerous and unpredictable?

Whew.

Who would I be without this thought that the world is a dangerous and unpredictable place? That I can’t take it? That I’d rather not be here?

I’d enter a place where I don’t know for sure what this all is. I’d be aware of how I don’t get it. Not knowing. Open. Empty. Wondering. Waiting. Not so scared. Feeling disturbed but not deciding anything, not doing anything.

Silence. Patience. Willingness. Falling and letting myself fall.

Curious to see what happens without smoking or eating something, without watching TV or seeking distraction. You mean, I COULD stand it? Maybe?

If you turned this thought all the way around and found examples of how this world is safe, this moment is ultimately safe, that you are safe right now…can you look at your life this way? Can you find genuine examples?

So far, I’ve noticed that I have been able to stay alive even though I am terrified. Without me even trying. I have been able to feel feelings, and question thoughts about this world and find that I’m not 100% sure it’s 100% terrible.

Yes, the world is completely and entirely unpredictable, it seems…but perhaps this is not a bad thing. Perhaps it is the way of it. OK. Not a problem.

The less afraid I have become, the less need for smoking, drinking, eating, distracting, thinking, ruminating…

I am willing to be afraid again today, I am willing to be terrified, I am willing to feel hurt or nervous, I am willing to live in an unpredictable world, I am willing to Not Know what is going on around here.

Because so far, I have been living in an unpredictable world, as it turns out…whether or not I gave it permission to be unpredictable.

“This unknowing has no limits. It extends beyond what we perceive to all we feel and think and do. It is ceasing to know how to cope with life, where we are going, what to do after the immediate task is done, what’s going to happen to us tomorrow, next week, next year. It’s walking one step at a time and blindfolded, in the assurance that the Space here–which is nothing and knows nothing but Itself–will nevertheless come up, moment by moment, with what’s needed.”~D.E. Harding from On Having No Head

You can handle any moment, anything that happens, anything you feel. You’ll handle it, even if you think you can’t. That’s the good news.

Today I have no urge to smoke, binge, drink heavily, and escape intensely with activity because I found out I couldn’t crush the uncomfortable moment, no matter what…

Reality won.

Love, Grace
Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. $215. To register click HERE now and then send me an email grace@workwithgrace.com.

December 18, 2012

Once Upon A Time – When Is It OK To Tell A Story?

Today I received a voice message. The person was a stranger, and she left a very long message, expressing gratitude for the wonderful care her relative was receiving from me.

But I never heard of this relative. She had the wrong person. She had done a google search and landed on the wrong counselor/coach/facilitator and called me, instead of the correct person.

So I called her back to tell her she had been mistaken, and I told her she should continue her search so she could find the right person.

She said “Oh, I am so glad you called because I have been confused, and really wanted to say thank you because this is what happened, and then this other thing happened, and then I was sad, and then yet another thing happened, and this is how it was handled, and I was surprised, and then someone else did something, and another person said something else, and then another thing changed, and then more people did these things and said other things, and then I was happy…”

I reminded her that I was actually the wrong number…so she might want to try to find the right number so she could call THAT person, who might like to hear the story.

In my mind, the fun thing I noticed with this sweet woman, who was probably elderly although I can’t be sure….is that she had her story.

This story was a true story for her, and a very important story, and a very up-and-down story with many twists and characters, and it didn’t matter who was listening really.

Just like me.

Boy howdy, in the past could I ever tell you the tale of what happened and who did it, and who said what, and you could listen for a few days and I probably wouldn’t be done.

Maybe the not-so-distant past!

Byron Katie often speaks of the benefit for someone doing The Work of not “going into story”.

This is a diving into and going under water with explaining and justifying and asking for advice and finding out who is right and who is wrong and hashing out the details.

This is very different from watching events unfold, and telling them in a most clear, powerful way, so that someone hears you….maybe for the first time.

I find that when I tell a story, when the core of it is for my own awareness, to find out what I was believing and replay it in order to wake up, then this is the place the story can exist.

I hold that story in my mind. I look at it from every angle. I feel the emotions, the sensations. I note the ideas.

This is the way I make discoveries….I see my story for what it is. A story.

Anthony De Mello, the wonderful Jesuit priest who died in 1986, loved to use a wonderful technique of telling a story about himself (and he had his clients do this) in third person. “He had breakfast, he took a walk, she talked with him and he said…”

For awareness, for entering the zone of the observer, you watch and tell the story that you feel concern about.

Then, you write out your stressful thoughts. The thoughts or judgments or ideas that you think about this story that bring discomfort, anger, fear, terror, irritation, sadness.

Then, as you question your responses, your thinking, your beliefs…..then your story will be telling a story on yourself. It will not be a story of proving that what happened to you was truly terrible. It will not be the story of a poor victim, or of a bad person you know, or how you’ve been wronged.

It will be a holy story, a sacred story, a beautiful story. You will not want to change the story. In fact, you will leave that story alone, and it will be the way it is.

Even that person telling a really, really long story that “seems” unimportant or unrelated to you will be OK.

“Not wanting to change what is becomes a state of mind that is literally unimaginable. There’s no sacrifice in it, no deprivation– quite the opposite, in fact. It means to gain everything, the everything that is already yours, and the effect is peace. People who use The Work at home as a practice tell me that they find their own freedom. There is such joy in that, such peace, and it’s a story that can’t be told.” ~ Byron Katie

Love,

Grace

December 17, 2012

At Home In Foreign Countries

Recently I was traveling, visiting a very dear friend in Vancouver, Canada. I imagined running into Eckhart Tolle, but no.

Entering another country, even if so many things are the same, is rather funny. Suddenly we’re lifted out of the usual scene of our story. The surroundings are different. Every store has a brand new name (well, mostly), all the shops have a different appearance, the money is completely different, the street names are unfamiliar.

On the scale of what is different and what is the same, this city that I don’t know well is mostly the same as life where I live most of my days.

Same climate, same language, same evergreen trees, same accent (a few different words).

Still…there is something so fun and exciting and mysterious about believing “I am in another country!” That moment crossing the border.

I drive or step across a “line” and now this place has a new name, new officials, new traditions, new rules, new money, new economy, new food.

Doing The Work, inquiring into our thinking and what we deeply believe, can sometimes feel like crossing a border into a new land.

Before, we couldn’t seem to get across. We may not have even known the other country existed. We may have been planning a trip here for years.

Being somewhere new brings a wonder to the experience of the world, a reminder of how different, how strange, how wild, how unusual it all is.

To be somewhere “foreign” reminded me again that in the end, whatever HOME is, is some place, some feeling, some experience of a landing spot. Home is in the center, where there is no wild variety, no overwhelming newness, it just IS.

This world, whatever country you live in, is not really quite home when you attach to the place being the thing that brings home-ness to you…at least that’s what I have noticed over time.

Everything changes and moves here; things turn to ruins, buildings are torn down, places have new borders, families members come and go.

The only place that stays intact is like a humming, constant, alive, buzzing, empty, spacious center in the middle of “me”. Whatever exactly me is…not entirely sure (isn’t that hilarious?)

Home. Here. Now.

There is no “best” place to live or “worst” place to live when you are in touch with your own borderless center. You are drawn to what matches your home already. You may move, you may be surprised, you may feel like you “have to” move and its not your preference, you may sleep in many different places in your lifetime.

Home is with you everywhere, even in times of trouble, even in times of celebration. Right in the middle of your amazing journey here.

No one has to go looking for it. No one has to be somewhere and think they’ve lost it.

The mind will start chattering away: why don’t they have good cream here, I don’t like the toilets, there is too much garbage, the exhaust smells funny, I miss my bed, I want sunny weather, the food sucks, I need a good internet connection, it’s too cold, I don’t understand the map, that man is trying to rip me off, I don’t understand what they’re saying.

Many of the thoughts in a new place come down to “I am scared” and “I could get uncomfortable” or “I could get hurt!”

Oh horrors! An uncomfortable moment could occur? GOSH!

When I question my chatterbox thinking, I can see that I am very safe, I am alive and breathing, I am aware, I am not in denial, I am free, I say NO, I say YES, I take care of myself, I find the bathroom, I find a restaurant, I watch the most beautiful theatrical show unfold before my eyes…perhaps with a little drama thrown in for excitement.

“The truly open mind doesn’t have a goal or a purpose other than to be what it is. It’s not attached to concepts of self or other. It realizes that ultimately there are no humans, there is no mind. When the mind opens, you lose everything, gratefully. I’m sitting here as a woman, and in the next realization I’m a galaxy or an ant. It doesn’t matter.”~Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

As I look around at the country or place I happen to be in on any given earth day, I am amazed at the variety, and amazed at the incomprehensible, open crazy mystery of this world.

“Colors blind the eye. Sounds deafen the ear. Flavors numb the taste. Thoughts weaken the mind. Desires wither the heart. The Master observes the world but trusts his inner vision. He allows things to come and go. His heart is open as the sky.” ~ Tao Te Ching #12

December 15, 2012

Reality Is Always Kind

Reality is a huge concept. In fact, it’s so huge, how could this mind grasp all of it?

I leave out huge parts of reality all the time. Have you noticed how the mind does this?

I’m thinking about something, and I’m very sad or upset or angry; thinking about how it should or shouldn’t be, repeating it (even though it happened in the past).

I’m thinking about some problem I perceive in this big soup of a story, and I focus in on that problem and ruminate.

I miss the joy and life and incredible activity that is in my presence, I miss the air and the rain, my old couch, this room entirely filled with things. I miss myself, the aliveness in me.

Today, let’s remember the vastness of reality…and how much it includes, and how infinite it is, and how full of EVERYTHING.

“Reality–the way that it is, exactly as it is, in every moment–is always kind. It’s our STORY about reality that blurs our vision, obscures what’s true, and leads us to believe that there is injustice in the world. I sometimes say that you move totally away from reality when you believe that there is a legitimate reason to suffer. When you believe that any suffering is legitimate, you become the champion of suffering, the perpetuator of it in yourself. It’s insane to believe that suffering is cause by anything outside the mind. A clear mind doesn’t suffer.”~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

We think “oh no! If I am NOT upset by reality, then I will be weird, uncaring, unpopular, too detached, selfish…”

We think “oh no! If I am TOO upset then I am allowing my feelings to overwhelm me, I’m unenlightened, I am believing terrible thoughts!”

No win.

What to do when you can’t win? Surrender. And then watch what happens with an open, surrendered mind.

When something terrible happens, reality is that you may feel the horror, the sadness, the pain of it.

And reality will move and change. That’s the way of it.

“The heart is right to cry
Even when the smallest drop of light,
Of love,
Is taken away.
Perhaps you may kick, moan, scream,
In a dignified
Silence,
but you are so right
To do so in any fashion
Until God returns
To
You.”
~Hafiz

Love,
Grace

December 14, 2012

People Should Lie

letters yesterday from readers saying they’d like help with their thoughts about someone else lying.

Arrggh! Yes! Those lying, cheating, deceptive people!!!

OK, so after the tantrum…(you can hit a few pillows, it sometimes helps)…write down what you think it means when someone lies.

They have either withheld important information, or acted in a way that was different than you expected, or kept a secret from you, or tricked you into taking some kind of action you felt uncomfortable about…or actually said “I did not take your cookie” when there are crumbs on their lips that look exactly like your cookie.

What does this actually mean about this whole situation, that they did this LYING?

Get really close to it…what does it mean for YOU that they did this lying?

Your mind is already busy telling you what it means about THEM when they lie. You have a whole list of unpleasant traits to describe them. Conniving, selfish, thoughtless, immature, hateful, sad, mentally ill, cruel.

But what does this really mean for you, that this has occurred? What is dangerous about it? Or aggravating?

If someone else lies, then I could be hurt. I could lose something important. I could be a victim. They don’t care about me. I could have a terrible life.

I have found that the greatest stress occurs when I’m afraid. And to understand it, I have to first understand what it is I am actually afraid of, really, really, really.

Because when you think about it, the person two blocks away who is in the middle of lying right now, who you don’t even know….or the ten year old who is hiding something she took under her bed….you aren’t really upset about THOSE people lying.

No, but THIS person lying. That is REALLY UPSETTING.

I once had the thought “he shouldn’t have lied”. I was embarrassed, I felt like crying, then I felt furious, then like crying again.

When I really thought through all the pieces that were most painful, I found that the thing I feared was that I was not worth telling the truth to. Them lying meant that I was too hard, difficult, irritating, spacey, gullible, stupid, or needy.

That really hurts. And it wasn’t really that other person that created my thoughts of self-hate and self-doubt. I just started believing them. I started believing instantly that I was a victim, that I was robbed, that I was diminished.

Who would you be without the thought that that person shouldn’t have lied?

I would suddenly notice how much space was around me, how free I was, how I was standing there alone with an entire universe ready to explore.

When someone stole money from me, I discovered that I had no need for that money, and it was incredible! Another time when I got “tricked” by a stranger who pretended to be out of gas on the side of the road, I had such appreciation for learning a lesson like that in a very easy way (it only cost me $20 for that lesson).

Another time when someone lied, I discovered total and absolute appreciation for their timing, and for the sweetness of me having no idea of the truth (until I did).

When I question my thinking, I begin to see not only what it is like to be without the thought “they shouldn’t lie” but also the advantages of them lying at just the exact time, in just the way that they did, for me.

Can you really know that when someone lies, it means that you were mistaken, gullible, ignorant, needy, stupid, or that something is wrong with you?

“The Tao doesn’t take sides; it gives birth to both good and evil. The Master doesn’t take sides; she welcomes both saints and sinners. The Tao is like a bellows: it is empty yet infinitely capable. The more you use it, the more it produces; the more you talk of it, the less you understand. Hold on to the center.” ~ Tao Te Ching #5

I notice when I question my thoughts of anger and rage and those mean, nasty, lying, sneaky people…I get to let go of running the universe. I trust.

I thought them lying took away my feeling of trust….but it didn’t take it away at all. It made it bigger. Because they lied, I get to see what’s really true.

Those people SHOULD lie. Because first of all, they did. That is reality. They were scared, they were confused, they didn’t know how to do it differently.

Maybe YOU were a little scary to tell the truth to, eh?

And look at all the amazing learning that comes from them lying. I learned that I did not need them.

You also should have lied in the past, too, if you did.

My lies brought me the most incredible lessons. I became aware of how much I preferred not to lie, and how freaked out and confused I got at the time. They showed me how afraid I was of hurting other peoples’ feelings or hurting my own feelings. They helped me know even more that truth is like heaven, and I only have to worry about my own.

“To be honest is to live closer to your true nature. The way I know that it is, is that when you’re not living it, it hurts. That hurt is an opportunity to notice what stressful thought you’re believing in the moment, to question it and turn it around. That’s what all pain is about. Sanity doesn’t suffer—ever.”~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

December 12, 2012

There Is Not Enough

One of the top stressful thoughts of the whole year that people have shared with me has been “I am not good enough.”

There may be slight variations, like just “I am not enough” or “I don’t have enough” of something.

Or the big dramatic way to put it “I WILL NEVER, NEVER, EVER BE ENOUGH!”

Enough is an interesting word. I’ve used it a lot myself.

Not being or having enough of something can be so, so stressful. And usually, the stress comes right alongside the thought…practically instantly. Without the thought being questioned.

There I am, living my life, and someone I care about sees me, or hears me say something, or watches me, or encounters me, and something happens, and it seems like they are not pleased.

Something went wrong! Things naturally are supposed to be easy, sweet and kind…right?

Or I myself have images in my head of how grand life would be if only I got it together, stopped doing “x”, started doing “y”, changed some things about myself. In other words, some improvements could definitely be made in the department of ME.

Or I notice that I want something, or someone close to me wants something, and the thing that is wanted is in short supply (money, time, attention, love, connection).

With all these things, there is something MISSING. Not enough of something.

It is good to spend some time in inquiry, asking yourself, when you have these “not enough” thoughts just what exactly you believe is absent. Like what are the qualities, the feelings, you think aren’t here?

What would you have, if you had enough of that thing, or that person, or that substance?

If I really had “enough” money, I would relax, kick back, read more than I already do, watch more good movies, not get up quite as early, travel more, go to more workshops and lectures, fix parts of my house, do more no-fee work with the community, take a writing break to finish my book, contribute to the scholarship fund.

And what would I have, if I had THAT? Awareness, knowledge, fun, connection, security, meaning, rest.

If you were good enough, what would you actually be? How would you feel?

I love when Byron Katie responded to a woman who said “I’m not good enough”. She asked “Good enough for what?!”

Excellent question.

It’s like there are our own images floating around showing us pictures of what it COULD be like, how things COULD be better, how it COULD have gone much more smoothly, how we COULD have not made that mistake or blunder.

Images of better versions of life, of me, of the people I know, of the world.

And a big chasm between the two. Oh that gap! So annoying! Why can’t we just get over THERE in that beautiful better scene? JEEZ!

“Let’s suppose that rain washes out a picnic. Who is feeling negative? The rain? Or YOU? What’s causing the negative feeling? The rain, or your reaction? When you bump your knee against a table, the table’s fine. It’s busy being what it was made to be–a table. The pain is in your knee, not the table. The mystics keep trying to tell us that reality is all right. Reality is not problematic. Problems exist only in the human mind.” ~Anthony De Mello.

When I bump up against the image of a more perfect, better version of myself that would be “enough”, or I bump up against the idea that this reality, with this much money, is not adequate…when I bump up against some vision of what I want and I believe I can’t have it, or I can’t feel peaceful without it…whenever I think there is not enough of something…Good News.

It’s in my own fearful thinking. I am only believing that without this thing or essence or person that I want, I am not happy. Without some improvement, I am not happy.

So, my mind is doing this: I am not quite good enough….I need more goodness or skill or awareness, I need to be better at “x” than I already am, I need to fix myself or there will be a long drawn-out life of suffering and unhappiness and never becoming enough.

Is that true? Are you sure?

“True personal growth is about transcending the part of you that is not okay and needs protection. This is done by constantly remembering that you are the one inside that notices the voice talking. That is the way out.”~ Michael Singer in The Untethered Soul

That voice that considers everything and comments on it not being enough, including YOU…it is only a voice. We all have it.

But we can also all take a look at it. It’s such a drama queen, have you noticed? So serious!

Who would I be without the thought that there’s not enough? This is REALLY imagining that it’s not possible to not have enough, if you couldn’t even have that idea.

I would feel so excited, aware, relaxed. I would feel secure, joyful, peaceful. Open to whatever is next. Silent. Pleased. Waiting. WOW.

Who knows what could happen with this state of mind.

Love, Grace

December 11, 2012

I Couldn’t Bear It If My Child Got Hurt

One of my absolutely most obsessive thoughts that I remember from long ago, that carried itself forward for several years, was “my children should be home-schooled”.

I read every education author out there that I could get my hands on. I got the books on free schools and democratic schools and private schools and specialty schools. I read about Un-Schooling, I heard speeches, I toured various schools in my city, and there were a LOT since I live in a big city.

My children started public school, and then I took them out and home-schooled.

And then I put them back in.

I think I drove my best friends BONKERS with the repetitive topic. It’s like I was gathering data, and I couldn’t get enough data. I needed more. I couldn’t feel comfortable with ANY decision. Nothing was right.

The search for the perfect decision will drive you crazy faster than trying to go to sleep with 5000 mosquitos in the same tent.

I look back on myself now and have so much compassion for that poor, distressed, anxious mother who was trying to be the BEST MOM EVER.

I wish at the time I had The Work to penetrate my thinking and stop. Just stop and look at my frightened ideas.

They looked like this: my children could be damaged, my children will be bored, they will hate learning, they won’t succeed, they will be sad, I want to be involved, I want to participate in all parts of their cute lives, bad things can happen, schools can hurt children (look at the proof)!

Dang. That was rough.

Fortunately, life circumstances and my own capacity to (barely) let go of my images of the Perfect World for Children made it so schooling became calmer over time, and it was the easiest and best choice. I needed to work.

It was a fabulous several years, home-schooling and being with my kids in many very amazing and fun activities.

Fortunately, my kids appear entirely undamaged and even very unique and interested in learning (they are now 18 and 15). My daughter attends a very alternative, tiny high school that focuses on community. My son attends university, his choice.

They are thoughtful and have their clear opinions. They are great to have discussions with about learning.

But back then I was such a *BASKET CASE*!

So much of my experience was tainted with fear. Fear of the potential abuse. Fear of the potential failure. Fear of not offering my children the most amazing, incredible childhood anyone could possibly ever imagine! OMG!

Kids will bring forward your fears in the most precise, beautiful, clear way. What you wish for them (for yourself, for people in this world) will cut you to the core.

Schools will bring up all the possibilities of pain and images of where BAD things could happen.

Doing the work on school for your kids can be like doing the work on the world, for you.

It could hurt to be here, something bad could happen, failure could occur, people can’t be trusted, wrong turns could be made.

If you get really freaked out for your kids, like I did…doing The Work can be the biggest relief you’ve ever known. You can find relief about just being alive, in this world, yourself.

I discovered that if I stopped worrying about my children, I used think it would mean that I would not be good mother. If I didn’t bend over backwards and do ANYTHING to bring them an awesome life, then I didn’t care enough.

After you do The Work on your worst fears about what could happen to your kids and what you really, really want for them and what you’re anxious about, the most amazing loosening of fear happens. At least it did for me.

“Imagine your child coming up to you and asking, ‘mom would you be okay without me?’ Now you can look into his or her eyes and say,”I love you in my life, and I’d really miss you, and I would be fine.”

“Really mom? What would you do without me?”

“Well, sweetheart, let me see. I wouldn’t have to get up so early in the morning, and I’d have the first shower, and I could go out whenever I liked. And the bottom line is that I love you in my life. Nothing can take you out of my heart, honey, ever.”

There’s no fear there. You’ve learned—and they learn—that love doesn’t mean fear.
~Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Now, I notice when I have little nervy thoughts about my kids. Is she cold? Is he getting enough sleep? Is everyone OK? And I have to laugh.

Even on the tiniest moments, the mind will start to fill in a story when it comes to children. They are 30 minutes late and it means they’re lying in a ditch, dead.

The thing is….I notice I actually don’t think that anymore. Almost never. And the reason, I think, is because I keep finding out that the WORST thing I could imagine, I can actually open to. I can let it cut this frightened me to the core, and love would still prevail.

Love,
Grace

December 10, 2012

Their Silence Means Something BAD

Many writings and texts, both ancient and modern, speak of unhappiness and how to work with it….how to relax, remember our happiness, come to our “right” minds.

Unhappiness; the experience of stress like anxiety, worry, self-pity, sadness, frustration, hand-wringing.

This morning I woke up and suddenly, the world appeared.

BOOM! It’s the world again!

The mind kicked in immediately. Sometimes it is slower, sometimes it is faster. It seems sometimes to pick up where it left off the day before, or where it left off last year…but one thing for sure is that if the mind thinks there is a big problem somewhere, it will return to that problem again.

Almost like it’s saying “Oh good, excuse me, glad you’re back…remember that problem you were trying to solve the other day, last week, last year, over the past couple of decades? Well! You haven’t solved it yet! You are running out of time, ideas, and ammunition! You need to work faster/harder/better/cleaner/longer!”

Have you ever noticed that if you tell yourself “I really do not know how to figure this out, I do not know the answers, I have nothing else to try, I give up” that the mind doesn’t listen usually?

Until it does.

One way to get there “faster” (knowing there is no faster or slower, really, it’s all going at just the right speed) is to clearly identify what it is I am thinking, and then take it to investigation and inquiry.

Sometimes, in order to help identify clearly the repetitive speedy stressful thinking, I like to ask myself how old I feel when in the middle of the feelings and thoughts?

So when the world appeared today I soon noticed the thoughts were moving around sadness I have towards missing someone. This person is no longer in my life. Still alive, I know that…but not connected. I have no idea of their deepest concerns or amazing ideas, as we once for many years discussed in confidence with each other.

No intimacy, no sharing, no closeness…no current friendship.

What are the actual painful beliefs going on? And also, I notice that I feel about 3 years old with some of this, almost without words, just terrible sadness.

Start here with this prompt: “I am upset because _________”.

I am upset because she is gone, we are no longer connected, something happened and I don’t know what it is, I did something wrong, she hates me, she thinks I am bad for her, she has cut off the connection and doesn’t think I am worthy, she doesn’t care about me, she is too harsh, she is too judgmental, I am over-reacting, I am too nervous…

I could go on. The mind really can go on, can’t it? It can loop back and start repeating itself, over and over.

The most powerful thing to do, for me, is to stop the mind by writing these thoughts down, no matter how ridiculous they appear, no matter how immature and petty, or wrong, or stupid or blown out of proportion. These judgments about how childish I am are ALSO thoughts.

The painful thoughts on my list are really what I am believing it MEANS when someone is distant and not responding.

She thinks I’m bad, unworthy, wrong, stupid, selfish.

I make it very simple and I take only the first thought. She thinks I’m bad.

Is it really true? I don’t know. Total speculation. I even asked and she said NO.

How do I react when I’m believing this? I assume I’ve done something wrong and I start making huge effort to fix it. It’s like there’s a gigantic push of energy, obsessive ruminating, thinking and re-thinking, going over past moments and images, trying to find where the “bad” moment happened. I say I’m sorry, I say I’ll change.

But what entity or self am I actually trying to fix in this moment? What actually IS this Bad Bad Self that did something wrong?

“What I say is, find an enemy. They won’t give you that sympathy. You go to friends for refuge, because you can count on them to agree with your stories. But when you go to your enemies, they’ll tell you, straight up, anything you want to know, even though you may think you don’t want to know it.”~Byron Katie

When I am feeling very serious, or very desperate or needy….and there is a Self here that is all wound up, I remember that I am thinking false thoughts. I am reacting, I am afraid. This Self thinks it is the center of everything and VERY IMPORTANT.

AS IF!

But I want to know the Truth.

So what I am receiving from this person I have loved very much is no contact, no interest, little response, mostly silence. Nothing mean, no words saying “you are bad for me”. No attack, no anger. Just silence.

WOW. I mean, just amazing, all the importance I place on me being worthy, on me needing someone else to respond to me, on me needing contact.

My core belief has been SILENCE = I AM NOT IMPORTANT (or I am unworthy, hated, distrusted, accused, wrong, stupid, blame-worthy).

Is that true?

Suddenly I remember that I myself have been silent with other people in my life in the past. I have not responded, I have cut off connection, when I myself have felt terrified, hurt, angry. When I have felt like blaming, accusing…when I have called that other person wrong.

I have thought of God as this way, in my childhood self (I secretly admit, in my grown-up self too). God is not responding…I have assumed…so it must be me.

Silence is bad. Silence means they disapprove.

Who would I be without that thought? REALLY? If I couldn’t even have the thought that silence means disapproval from that other person or entity?

I turn the thought around: I think I’m bad. I see how true that is, how I worry about this, how I put so much effort into being the perfectly good wonderful person at all times.

What if this person disapproves, but it’s OK? What if silence means you are set free to move on? To move back into yourself? To work with someone more available? To do The Work and be with your own mind and make friends with it, instead of focusing on someone else?

What if in the silence you find how much you love, appreciate, approve, care for and delight in that person, in the memories you have of them? What if you notice how much you’ve adored them and enjoyed them?

What if when you notice you are missing someone and wondering if they think poorly of you, you drop your doubts and you speak from your heart and soul, and stop demanding that they give you approval?

What if you completely and entirely respect and accept their words, their expression that they do not have time, energy, interest, or desire to connect with you?

If this is a friendly universe, I see in this moment the image of that person, all those people, who I doubted, worried about, cut off, separated from, clung to…and hold them in a most gentle light of unconditional love.

Silence = I am important. “I” am important. And not even THAT. It is all OK….it doesn’t have to mean anything terrible. Just not thinking I KNOW is enough.

And that amazing person who seems to be gone, or distant…they are showing me the truth that this is NOT important. This is not desperate, it is not an emergency, it does not mean that all is lost, that I am unworthy, that I am bad.

“It is within our deepest solitude, where we take leave of every image and idea of ourselves as well as of God, that we come upon the fullness of our being. And in that fullness of being we recognize the divinity of all things and all beings, no matter how great or small. For divinity is not something earned or given, but lavishly present within all. To have the eyes to see the divinity of all beings is to bring light into this world.”~Adyashanti

Divinity is in every being, of course in the friends who move away from me. In the silence all around me. In all the other incredible people I DO have contact with all the time.

Divinity is here in the flow of connection and distance, like the way tide is always here, moving in and out. The waves go in, the waves go out, without my dictating when, how far, how much or how high. When I express only love, and then get out of the way, I know reality runs itself just fine, without my opinion.

Love, Grace

December 9, 2012

I Am Alone In The Big Ocean Universe

Have you ever had one of those open unscheduled days where you have some open time? You are excited for all the little household tasks, errands, projects, organizing, managing, resting and perhaps even a little entertainment or reading you might want to take time for?

Sometimes these days are called The Weekend. Or if not the whole weekend… Saturday.

The way my life has gone over the past several years is that the weekend is similar in many ways to every other day of the week. I work with clients quite often, I teach classes, I go to the gym, I catch up on email, I update my website, I do laundry.

Not long ago, I had a Saturday all free. No clients. No all-day workshop. Prep for the next all-day intensive was complete and registration full already.

Bonanza! About 5 free hours to do so many things calling to be DONE in the little recesses of my mental internal to-do list.

Wow, so many things…where do I even begin? What’s the priority?

Except something strange happened.

Soon after I awakened and completed my usual morning routine of green smoothie, little cup of French press organic coffee, meditation….I started feeling anxious.

An old feeling entered. It seemed there were no thoughts. Low-level worry. On a deeply grand scale.

Ahhhh, the Deeply Grand Scale. Like it’s way down deep in here in the psyche, not usually tapped into or addressed. Somewhere in a dark place, A hole.

It feels like something jogs loose where I become aware of my smallness. My limited nature. My finite period on this planet in this body. That I will die, that none of this really matters in many ways, that I am alone in my own unique weird journey, but not even really unique.

These are the core underlying beliefs getting triggered. Maybe for me, it was seeing the movie The Life of Pi where the main character lived through a horrendous experience but told the story differently than “the truth”.

Maybe it was listening on recording to one of my favorite teachers of This Spirit Journey and hearing him say that in the end, we are all alone on it.

My little secret scary underlying beliefs come forth when I think about being ALONE.

Being alone, I think (some part of me thinks) is Not Good.

I don’t wanna be in a shipwreck by myself for 3 months at sea! I don’t wanna say goodbye to my children (too late, they’re growing up)! I don’t wanna be disconnected from my partner, or my mom or dad! I don’t wanna wonder where the heck Whatever-Mystery-God is! I don’t wanna say goodbye to absolutely everything I’ve ever been attached to! I don’t wanna climb the ladder all by myself!

Empty space. Empty open life. Mysterious open ocean. Mystery. Unknown. Not knowing.

So what’s the problem??

THAT is where the most interesting investigation begins. I know something inside me believes there is a problem, because I feel the Problem Energy. So let’s look!

What’s wrong with being alone? With people coming and going? With life ending and beginning? What’s wrong with missing someone? Or longing for someone to be here now who I once knew, or perhaps who I don’t even know yet? What’s wrong with seeing beautiful art, and having only ME to turn to, to say “wow, do you see this?!”

When I really ask myself what the problem is with this Alone, Empty, Missing or Nothingness Situation…I can’t put my finger on it.

My mind says that not being able to put my finger on it is a problem! It’s just unknown uncomfortable unpleasant soup. Scary! Not just scary…terrifying!

So scary in the past that I wanted to put something in my mouth to shove the fear back down.

But is it actually really true that the wide open infinite unlimited expanses of reality and space and the ocean are SCARY?

YES! YES! IT’S TRUE! It’s weird! It’s unexplainable! I HATE not knowing! Too big! Too mysterious!

But can you absolutely KNOW without any doubt whatsoever from your greatest expansive broad wide self that you are afraid? That the Mystery is frightening, and that you are indeed ALONE?

No. I really cannot absolutely know that. At all.

This is fear that I’m feeling, is that true? Could it be readiness? Anticipation? Willingness? About-To-Jump-Off-The-Diving-Board Gusto? Surrender? I-Can-Die Now-If-That’s-The-Plan Openness?

Is Fear really scary? Am I sure I can’t handle the wide open magnificent omnipotent unimaginable power of the ocean? Am I sure I can’t handle death?

I mean. I don’t even know what it is, remember? I don’t even know what I’m afraid of, right? Oh tricky mind.

“Ordinary men hate solitude. But the Master makes use of it, embracing his aloneness, realizing he is one with the whole universe.”~ Tao Te Ching #42

This does not mean oh bad you for hating an experience of solitude. What is wrong with being ordinary? Nothing.

It is through recognizing this pain and fear of solitude that I look again, and go beyond ordinary.

As Byron Katie says, you either believe your thoughts, or you question them, there’s no other choice.

That day I remembered, through looking and investigating, that having wide open hours ahead and a long to-do list and big ideas and awareness of limits may not only be just fine (and not scary) but it also doesn’t seem to be 100% true.

Being alone might not be scary, in this vast universe….and being along might not be true.

Love, Grace