Yesterday in the very first class of the next round of Turning Relationship Hell To Heavenparticipants brought their thoughts to share on the call, those incredible answers to the questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.
Boy, it is amazing to really let it out, say what we’re thinking even though we know it isn’t perfect…it may even be childish, petty, and mean.
This is the first step to freedom. It’s like shining a big light right on the most judgmental thoughts and looking at them closely, carefully.
Then we questioned a very common belief, which I have thought thousands of times, or suspected: “that person does not appreciate me”.
I decided to look up “appreciate” in the dictionary today. It is “to recognize the full worth of something, to be grateful for something”.
Holy Moly! That’s exactly what I would love, every time I’ve ever thought that someone should appreciate me.
What The Work brings me is an open unknowing place where I discover, wow, do I really, really want someone else to recognize my full worth and be grateful for me? Would it really, really matter if they started saying all the time how worthy I am, or how grateful they are for my presence?
It’s like we want it just enough, but not too much….hmmm….could it be possible it’s never quite right. Constant seeking for this recognition from outside of myself.
I’ve been so SURE that if I had this recognition, I would feel so much better. So it really is like if THEY appreciate me and express gratitude, then I’ll be happier.
I love how the Work brings me back to turning things around to see not only how that other person might actually appreciate me already (this was hard for some people in the class yesterday to find) but also how I don’t really appreciate them, and I don’t appreciate myself at all.
These other unappreciative people kind of match what I’m thinking about myself.
I love Katie’s saying “You are the one you’ve been waiting for”. Can you imagine really being your own best friend, your own nurturing parent, your own playful child, your own secret admirer?
Letting go of needing or even wanting appreciation, I discover that sometimes, other people say things to me like “thank you so much” or “you are so wonderful”. Then, I notice that reality is offering appreciation.
How do I know I do NOT need to hear appreciating words from that person who never gives them? I don’t hear them.
How do I know I DO need to hear wonderful appreciating words and compliments about me? Someone says them and I hear them.
Sometimes sitting in question four is an act of imagination. As Katie writes in I Need Your Love, Is It True? You can take an imaginative leap. You imagine what your life would be like without the painful thought; if you weren’t even capable of thinking it. In your imagination, look at the person who you wish would appreciate you without the thought that they don’t.
I begin to see everyone doing the best they can. There is some important reason, and I may never know it, why they are not showing appreciation in the way I thought I wanted it.
But appreciation is still present here, in my life, inside of me…right here.