Tag: money

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You’re the one you’ve been waiting for….not the house, not the money

Moving….if it’s sad, do The Work and move peacefully on the inside as well as out.

Money telecourse 4 Mondays starting January 23rd, noon-1:30 pm Pacific Time. Read about it here. Anyone welcome.

Speaking of money.

Last week a lively group of inquirers gathered for the monthly Living Turnarounds private group here in my cottage.

As people did their work, wondering about these experiences with others, noticing the reactions, imagining who they’d be without their thoughts….

….I remembered situations of my own.

The moment a lover is leaving, an uncomfortable request from a sister, a son getting lost in drugs, a grandson triggering frustration, worrying about our kid’s school, arguing with our spouse.

And money….losing it, wanting it, trying to get it, feeling furious about it.

Money is the topic of this month in Year of Inquiry, and I’m also doing a 4 week by-donation telecourse on Mondays starting on January 23rd Noon-1:30 Pacific Time.

Because money, it seems, is a huge biggie source of stress, pain, suffering, worry and fret.

I’ve met people with almost unlimited quantities of money, people who make money in business or real estate, people who inherit money, people who have very little money, people who lost money, or a house, or possessions they deeply loved because not enough money, people who live practically without any money at all.

What I see in reality, is there isn’t a direct tie between happiness and money, and unhappiness and lack of money.

But I’ve really thought it was true, in the past, that my happiness depended on having “enough” money (with “enough” being a little foggy or hard to pin down).

A memory.

I’m in my old house (one of them, I’ve lived in quite a few). It’s a beautiful house. It’s quite possibly my favorite house, besides my childhood home, (and my current cute adorable cottage) that I’ve ever lived in.

It’s big, but not pretentious at all. Built in the 1960s and thoroughly updated from top to bottom. It’s elegant, tucked away with an astonishing 40 year old bamboo wall along a secluded deck, surrounded by old growth cedar trees beyond that. Too dark, some might say. But inside the layout is lovely, with skylights, a big master bedroom with a gorgeous wooden ceiling, two lovely additional bedrooms all looking into lush ferns and forest, a big full basement that can serve as an entire brightly lit apartment.

Large floor to ceiling windows fill the living room space, and the 1960s stone fireplace and mantle. All the doors and closets and windows are stunningly high quality.

I lost that home.

Here comes the thought again.

Like a splinter. All the memories race through. I remember feeling anxious about the monthly payment, worrying about the failed septic tank, fearing a future massively expensive sewer hook-up requirement, terrified of not being able to pay. It’s too much, it’s too much.

Thoughts racing back then, like “we would be better off with something more modest” and other more painful thoughts like “we don’t actually deserve this house”.

As if it shows we’re better off than we actually are. It’s too much, it’s too much.

Images of deciding, with then-husband, to sell it before we get stuck with a big bill. We will sell it and walk away and no longer be terrified of large expenses or big monthly mortgage payments. We’ll be relieved! It will be worth the pain!

Someone comes along who wants to buy this house, never even put it on the market, and things move quickly….

….“Wait. Nevermind! I didn’t mean it! We don’t really want to sell!” I want to cry. But I’m embarrassed to change my mind. I push through. I must be tough. It’s the “right” thing to do.

I didn’t lose it. I gave it away. I walked away from something wonderful, because I was too afraid.

Ugh. This is even MORE stressful.

I made a mistake.

Let’s do The Work!

Is it true, that I made a mistake in selling that beautiful house?

Yes, yes, yes. It was so amazing to find it. There were magical coincidences upon moving in. A car we bought turned out to be owned by a woman who grew up in that house, whose father built that house with his own hands. A famous local mountain climber.

Wow….we own his house? We didn’t even know it when we bought it! This is incredible! We are so lucky! What serendipity!

Pictures of the parties in that house move through my mind. The guests we invited to stay, the meetings–I was not ashamed to volunteer my house to have them in, the strangers we welcomed, the Christmas Eve annual breakfasts for tons of friends and family.

I made such a mistake. A horrible mistake. Surely that’s true?

Can I absolutely know this?

No.

I can’t know more than reality or God or all the mysterious forces involved. I can’t know it didn’t support the people who bought the house, my kids, the divorce in the future that happened only two years later, the collapse of everything that led to all that brought me to here where I am now.

How do I react when I believe “I made a mistake”.

It’s a crushing thought, when you believe it.

People believe they’ve lost relationships, family members, their country, money, jewelry, photos, precious mementos, jobs, houses, cars, reputations, their whole lives as they knew it….

….and they feel devastated.

I felt the flare up, after that very powerful afternoon when all the inquirers came over to do their precious work, as in my mind I remembered again that house.

Never will I get it back.

If only I had been more confident, more aware. If only I had had The Work at the time. I got the book Loving What Is when living in that house. Why couldn’t I have sat down and “done” The Work? Why did it seem too hard to follow? Too confusing and too complicated?

I feel desperate when I believe I made a mistake. Crushed by my own decisions. I did it. Responsible.

So who would I be without this vicious, difficult, despairing thought that I made a mistake? Without the belief I could have done it differently? Or that I want a do-over?

If I couldn’t have this story at all….what would it be like?

Without the thought that I made a mistake with money and gave up on staying in my own home?

I’d relax.

I’d settle down and let the silence of this moment hold me close.

I’d notice I have a cute little place to live, and that house I once lived in rarely comes to mind. I’d appreciate the visions and memories of being so young and agile, and willing to move about and walk away.

I’d enjoy that ultimately my desire is to be peaceful, and this life, like that house, is not “mine” in any permanent way.

I’d remember suddenly all the people I love, many of whom I had not seen in years, contributed to me getting back on my feet again only about 4-5 years later. I had solid evidence of the kindness of the world….and I would have missed this, without that previous experience.

I’d be aware of the incredible freedom of having very few things, of owning little, of starting one’s life all over again from scratch.

I’d remember, without the thought that I made a mistake, the moment quite a few years ago now, when I facilitated a lovely young woman who had lost her house she inherited and decorated with yellow curtains, and her pain and misery of self-inflicted anger. I’d remember how she came to me to question her deeply painful thought, and she helped me by honestly sharing her story.

Turning the thought around:

I did not make a mistake. I made a correction. “I” did not make any mistake. It was done for me, supporting me in an incredible adventure to self-inquiry and truth.

“Just keep on coming home to yourself. You are the one you’ve been waiting for.” ~ Byron Katie

I’m not waiting for a house to come back, or enough money, or the right job, or the perfect partner, or the great success story.

Only to question what I believe is true, when it hurts….

….and open up to a different world, without stories of loss and mistakes repeated over and over again like an alarm that won’t switch off.

Finally, my favorite and most astonishing part of all, when it comes to The Work. This other kind of turnaround:

I am willing to make the same kind of “mistake” again. To lose my house. To make what appears to be a “bad” decision. To think of myself as too small and unworthy. To choose to lower stress, remain out of debt, respect money, do what I think’s best even if I don’t know for sure, even if it means heartache.

Why not. It could happen. (Roseanne, Rosanna Danna).

But even more than being willing, how could I look forward to it!?!

Why is it a good thing I don’t live in that house now, and I made that correction which involved leaving it?

Sometimes, this takes some important concentration to begin. But here it comes, I can see the examples:

I don’t have to clean a big house, or vacuum all that carpet. There are no enormous expenses with a very tiny house like the one I live in now. When my kids are home, or family or friends are over, we’re all together in this little cottage, because there’s no other place to go. There was no suffering about who got that pretty house in the divorce. The people who moved in were thrilled.

Nothing changed in my location, I live so close by. It was very tucked away and isolated and dark, now I’m out in the bright open street facing south. Visitors to the old house had to park several blocks away and walk. I would have never lived here where I live now, and found this place where I can live all the rest of the days of my life into old lady age without ever moving or “downsizing” again.

I’ve had fabulous neighbors I would never have met.

I might have continued ever-thinking that houses are required for happiness.

Who would you be without your terribly painful thought that something or someone got away, and you lost it, or made the mistake that caused it to happen?

Perhaps feeling the abundance of what is permanent….which isn’t a thing or a person or a place or a condition. Excited for the taste of having nothing from this earth stay with me forever, which is where we’re all going eventually anyway.

Questioning that thought that I made a mistake, and lost something?

Priceless.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. If you notice a stressful thought or two or eight-hundred about money, join the 4 week money class.

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Money problems? Thinking problems!

Thinking problems? Money problems.
Thinking problems? Money problems.

Last night I went to test out the gorgeous big-screen at the lodge where we’ll be watching Being With Byron Katie and moving into silence in between all sessions starting on Saturday.

Wow.

The internet connection worked beautifully, and I felt thrilled to be one of the people about to enter listening-only-mode with Byron Katie as she teaches from Switzerland.

I feel so lucky.

This retreat has space for 2 more people. I operate this one at a non-profit level, which sometimes brings up a few thoughts about MONEY.

ARRGGG, will it never end?!

(You’ll see in a sec what I’m talking about, when it comes to the “arrggg” part around money).

What the non-profit deal means, is everyone attending pays the small rate of $165 for attending one, two, three or all four days with Katie. If you have to leave, or miss any days, then included in your registration is free access to the recordings through August 31st.

Everyone who attends gets to sign up for viewing time, on their own, from their own home, using my log-in. It takes some scheduling prowess because we can only have one person logged in at a time, but we have full permission and an awesome scheduler. It worked fabulously last year.

So back to the money part I mentioned.

As in non-profit.

Now, as of today, I am sooooooo OK with this retreat with the money part.

Because why?

Because I am not losing money, so reality is going my way (ha ha).

All my expenses have now been reimbursed. I’ve put many hours into arranging it, planning it, organizing people, answering questions….and not put any financial expectation on the working hours required to pull the event together. As in, no money expected for the organizing of this retreat.

However, when I put the payment down on the lodge I rent for retreats here in Seattle, for 5 nights, it felt like a pretty major kaplunk of moolah. Almost $2000 for the lodge rental alone.

There’s a streaming fee of course ($250). Then there are Judge Your Neighbor worksheet copies, a white board and pens, post-it notes, and other small expenses. A few internet fees. Some posting fees for the event announcements.

Even though I know by now, events happen, people show up, it always works out (especially when I have The Work)….

….it’s still scary for that part of me that cares so much about money and prefers more coming in than going out.

Ugh. So much thinking, worrying, wondering about money.

These thoughts move like a stuck tape loop. Needing more money, losing money, not having enough money.

(Will these kinds of thoughts never end during my lifetime?)

How they show up this time, in this situation around this event, are like an old set of flies buzzing around, softening sometimes, rising up again.

They sound like this:

If I charged more, I’d at least pay myself back for all the work. This isn’t fruitful to offer this as a volunteer project. Just because I’m not teaching, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t make money for my time involved. Oh no….if this keeps up, I’ll lose money on this retreat! I am NOT doing this next year. No one understands how awesome this is. People shouldn’t write me to ask for scholarships. I should have more confidence about this retreat. People don’t understand how cool this event is or how insanely cheap compared to live events with Byron Katie. Maybe its so cheap it reduces the awareness of the value. No one realizes they can watch what they miss after the event, without extra cost. I’ve done all this work for nothing. It’s too much work. See #1, loop back. Repeat.

Over and over again, the same kinds of thoughts.

Why not take a look, see what’s left of these annoying beliefs?

More money should come in. I should be paid for effort (I’m somehow NOT being paid).

Is this true?

Yes. Yes. It really would be better to feel compensated for everything. It would be better to earn something, have money coming in. Not breaking even. Breaking even is not good enough!

Are you absolutely sure?

No. No idea. Ha ha.

I look around and notice, I’m absolutely fine. Thriving, enjoying myself, enough to eat, place to live, good business, people coming and excited for this amazing retreat.

How do I react when I think I should have some kind of pay back? That the money isn’t “worth” it, not enough, too low?

Pissy. Annoyed.

Bad attitude. Treating money like I know better, bossing it around.

Nervous. Thinking about NEXT YEAR of all things, when this soon-to-be event hasn’t even happened yet THIS year.

Wildly flailing in the future. Thinking about my bank account. So concerned with enough-ness and deciding this isn’t it.

So who would I be without this belief, though? What if I had no idea, no argument with what is, when it comes to money?

Huh.

You mean….money can do whatever it does, and I don’t mind? Like, I don’t even KNOW it’s doing something uncomfortable, or not good enough?

Yes.

Woah.

I guess I would be noticing how excited I am for this retreat, to spend 4 days listening, instead of talking or teaching or facilitating or expected to lead one single session.

Noticing how relaxed I am right now, in the beautiful summer weather. Breathing deeply. Feeling the amount of money I have and thinking “enough”. Stopping the comparison, pushing, wondering, wishing, wanting….altogether.

No wanting something different.

An amazing relaxed, curious, sweet feeling of being with this present moment. Noticing how fun money is, and it’s enough the way it is. Like this moment.

Turning the thoughts around….

No charging more is required. I am already paid back for my work with joy, connection with others. Plus all the money I’ve spent is reimbursed. This IS fruitful as a volunteer project. Because I’m not teaching, it’s OK to not make money. Oh no….if this keeps up, I’ll gain sanity on this retreat! I have no idea about next year, I’m open to it. All the right and perfect people understand how awesome this is. Maybe I’m the one who doesn’t. People should write me to ask for scholarships, it’s wonderful and gives me ideas for doing this in the future. I already have great confidence about this retreat, and I’m feeling more. I could make a scholarship fund for this event. People totally understand how cool this event is and how cheap compared to live events with Byron Katie. I have reduced my own awareness of the value here by being concerned with money. People realize just what they need to realize, and so do I. I’ve done all this work for so much. I am rewarded with love, insights from Katie. I’ll get to enjoy the retreat. It is NOT too much work. For all I know, I’ll become aware of an incredible realization in these four days ahead. 

How could the money be doing exactly the right thing, in the right amount, for me….for others….for Seattle….for the world?

Why not?

This could be the most perfect, brilliant, lovely four days for me, and I don’t have to buy any plane tickets or spend anything more than I have, or go to Europe to see Byron Katie in person. I get to be with all these amazing people coming to attend to their minds….with a passionate interest in freedom.

I get to hear one of the world’s gifted teachers of peace, and hardly have to leave my own home.

Wow. Such a deal.

“I’ve never seen a work or money problem that didn’t turn out to be a thinking problem. I used to believe that I needed money to be happy. Even when I had a lot, I was often sick with the fear that something terrible would happen and I would lose it. I realize now that no amount of money is worth that kind of stress.” ~ Byron Katie

No LACK of money is worth that kind of stress either.

I notice right now, in this moment, I’d rather be free than right about money, profit, income, being paid, being compensated.

How do I know I shouldn’t be making MORE in this event?

I’m not.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. It’s been a few years, but I created a full webinar on money, and questioning what I call a “Belief Cluster” of thoughts about money we commonly believe, all of which bring terrible stress. If you’d like to watch it, click here.

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Your greatest freedom would be achieved if you got……

fear1
I need more money. I need a relationship. I need to be different. I can’t handle this…..are you sure?

It’s released.Peace Talk Episode 113: The WORST that could happen if I lose all my money, have no money, lose my house and everything money pays for…..is….what?

Today I share with you my worse case scenario fear when my finances were drained, I was about to lose my house, bills were due, I was 80K in debt….and what happened when I did The Work.

Listen here.

Speaking of money.

I got the amazing privilege of volunteering for the Help Line for The Work this past month for about five hours. (I know my schedule has been erratic with the Help Line, I’ll be back though).

Guess what the most common stressful belief centered around, from all the amazing people I got to sit with in self-inquiry?

Money.

Here were some of the situations and very stressful beliefs I heard:

  • my renter shouldn’t be late with the rent
  • the person sub-letting for the summer just cancelled last minute
  • he didn’t repay the loan fast enough
  • I can’t afford to do the program I want to do
  • my parents just said they can’t support me anymore
  • I can’t pay my bills

I’ve had each and every one of these thoughts.

Something’s happening with money, and it means….

….I’m screwed. 

My survival is threatened. My security is at risk. Change might be coming along, and it isn’t safe.

Let’s look, though. It’s so powerful to pause and see what’s really true.

Are you absolutely sure this money situation is a threat? Are you going to die? Are you positive you might not be safe….or you already aren’t safe?

Do you really need more money?

Are you sure you’d be happy if you suddenly won the lottery, or had a “windfall” on a project you’re working on?

(The word “windfall” refers to trees blowing down in the wind making the fruit available, or the wood available, to anyone walking by. Literally, it’s unexpectedly acquired resources, or money, blown in by nature.)

Do you need more money?

In my mind, I still can answer “yes”.

It seems like it would be super crazy fun to have more money. I could get started on fixing my house, I could pay off my mortgage, I could buy my daughter new clothes for college, I could support my husband who’s about to lose his current job in 2 weeks, I could save some money for my retirement.

There’s so much more. I could do ALL those things! I would be happier if I could do ALL those things!

Really?

Oh. Well, I’m not sure. Maybe not.

I have no idea if I’d actually be truly happy just because I could DO things, or accomplish things, or create physical things, or acquire things.

In fact, I’m pretty sure they are NOT tied together….doing these things, getting these things….and happiness.

How do you react when you think you need more money, or tons of money would make you happy?

I focus on it all the time and have no fun.

Relationships are the same way sometimes. If you have no partner, and you believe having one would make you happy….you focus on finding the “right soul mate person” all the time, and find single-ness no fun.

Or what about spiritual enlightenment and seeking the “Truth”? I grab and listen and read and consume spiritual teachings and retreats and workshops and knowledge….focusing on finding “it”, and finding my present state of mind not all that fun.

But who would you be without this story that having that thing (money, person, success, enlightenment, windfall, etc) would bring you happiness?

Haha!

It makes me laugh out loud suddenly.

Without the thought, I’d be noticing the room I’m in, the environment surrounding me. I’d sense the present moment more, feeling whatever’s here, and noticing….this is important….noticing I’m quite alright. I’m not starving, I’m not dying, I’m not cold, I have a place to sleep.

Turning it around: Nothing is threatening me. What if there are great things about losing it all, not having possessions, not striving to “get” stuff or “understand” stuff or “acquire” a partner or dollars or enlightenment?

Could it be my thinking is threatening me? I need more of me (not money). I need more peace, love, resting, enjoying my own company, enjoying this adventure.

Money needs more of me. Could this also be true? It’s waiting for me to come forward, to be intimate with it, to share myself and appreciate it and me, equally.

What I notice about Money is, it’s not attached to where it goes. It travels here, there, parting, uniting, leaving, staying, going, coming back. Nice to know my worth does not depend on its whereabouts.

That would be crazy.

“When you’re empty, there’s space for revelation, for spontaneity, for intuitiveness. Everything’s fresh. Get ready for that.” ~ Mooji

As I’ve heard Byron Katie ask others doing The Work with her….

….Your highest spiritual path, your greatest freedom, would be if you got what YOU think you want and need. Your greatest freedom would be if you got more money, or that person did it the way you want, or you achieved that status….

….can you absolutely know that’s true?

Much love, Grace

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My money story turnaround

lettinggobutterflies
who would you be without your story of being trapped in failure? flying free.

Because so many people have seen me in my coach Selena’s films as a successful student, I’ve been getting a lot of feedback from many awesome people (including my mom) about how inspiring my story is.

Night before last, I went to my good friend Mary’s dance in Seattle.

When I entered the dark beautiful dance space always lit with twinkly lights, she pulled me aside and whispered “OMG! I watched your video of your interview with Selena Soo. Wow. You’ve come so far, it’s just amazing. I remember when you almost lost your house….and by the way, you should write a Grace Note blog on that. I want to read it.”

When someone tells me to write about something, I do it.

So, although I’ve mentioned bits and pieces of the time I almost lost my home and most of what I owned….I remembered it vividly last night.

I was failing terribly. When it comes to money.

As in….back then I was so broke I couldn’t jump over a nickel to save a dime (as my Texas grandma might say).

My financial failure was one of the worst experiences of my life. 

And yet, as I say this, I know the brilliant and simple question….is that true?

Oh. Right. Not really.

The story felt awful, kept me up at night, filled me with fretting. I tried to plan and count money, watched my bank account diminish day by day. It seemed like the worst that could happen.

It went something like this:

Divorce, need to get a job, economy crash, twenty job interviews, sweating bullets, picking up a Starbucks application, awake every night at 3:30 am, borrow several thousand from a very kind family member (ashamed to ask for it, desperate), still no job, better sell house (sob), wringing hands during open houses, getting offers so low they wouldn’t pay off my mortgage anyway, sell most of what I have of value (furniture, dishes, jewelry, clothes), my kids go on reduced lunch at school, I’m eligible for food stamps but I refuse to apply, crying at night looking around my little cottage knowing the mortgage was due–again–and not having the funds.

Constant nervous energy. I learn about a dance in Seattle called Ecstatic Dance. You don’t have to talk to anyone. Good. Dance. Keep moving. I can’t afford to pay the $10, but I can trade cleaning for attending the dance.

I meet a lovely man at dance. I begin to make some new friends. No one knows how broke I am. I’m doing The Work at home on money. I’m realizing that moving into my mom’s basement might not be as bad as I think. More job interviews. One interview I get a call-back. I get interviewed a third time. Maybe I have this job….

….heart sinks a thousand miles into the earth when I learn “nope, we picked the other candidate.”

I have $10.16 left in my bank account, I am in deep debt having paid for groceries with my credit card, no one bought my house, my mortgage is due in a week. It’s my birthday in two.

The lovely man I met who I am seeing often now, the only person who knows my true situation besides my family, writes a letter to everyone in my email address book (I think it’s for my birthday when he asks).

I’m questioning my thoughts and finding maybe, just maybe, I can walk away from this home and foreclose on it, and survive the blow–although it might be hard, and a long climb out. I feel the support of the couch I still own underneath me. I feel the unknowingness of the future, the strangeness of loss, the deep sadness of having no place of my own to live.

I feel the turnaround “I have enough” even if I lose everything. Not having money does not equal death. I think of the house I grew up in, no longer in the family. I think of the house I owned with my former husband at Greenlake. I think of our big Lake Forest Park home we also used to have.

Gone, gone, and gone. I can lose this one too, and survive.

I go to dance, barely enough gas in my car to get there. The due date of my mortgage just passed. I’m a day late for the first time. Foreclosure will begin after 3 late payments.

I dance with huge energy, with abandon, nothing left to lose. I dance the turnarounds to my beliefs “I need more money” and “I am a failure” and “I am not capable of working or earning a living” and “it will be shameful to live with my mother in my forties with my two kids” and “no one wants to hire me”.

I dance my turnarounds: I do NOT need more money, I am a success, I am capable of working and earning a living, it will be wonderful to live with my mother and my kids, everyone wants to hire me.

I dance nothing being true. I dance not knowing anything.

At the end of the dance, my friend Mary says…”as usual, we’re honoring birthdays tonight….and we have a special one. Grace, could you come to the center of the circle?”

What?

I shyly walk into the center of the huge circle of dancers all holding hands. My new boyfriend steps forward, with my friend Mary, and they hand me an envelope. It’s thick, and open at the top because it can’t be closed, too puffed full.

I look inside, the room dark, aware of all eyes on me.

Money.

My eyes tear up and I hold back a choked up sob, and look up, feeling stunned, barely able to say “thank you, thank you.”

Later undoing the envelope, there are checks and bills of all amounts, and my sweetheart shows me paypal donations from friends and family I haven’t seen in years, who have all donated to a birthday bucket. For me.

I have enough to call the mortgage company the next day and say I am sending the mortgage payment, can you please withdraw the late fee? They say yes.

The day after that, I get a call from the company where I had three interviews and they tell me they’ve created a part time job and I’ve got the position, if I want it.

A few days after that, someone calls me to ask if she could hire me to facilitate her in The Work of Byron Katie–my first ever client.

What did I do for any of this?

As I look back now….all I can see is….nothing.

Nothing but question my thoughts. And tell the truth. And share with others. And not be so dreadfully serious, about money.

Later on, as I got excited about business, and needing a website, and creating curriculum, and learning technology, and working with more people, and sharing and earning and being of service, I started taking classes in things I wanted to learn about. I had the money to pay for them, so I signed up. As I learned more, I kept doing The Work.

Last year, I joined a coaching group with Selena. I was such a serious student, doing everything she mentioned without hesitation (OK, there was hesitation, and I did The Work). I loved her course because it was built for shy people, like me….and for those who wanted to grow but not be weird or gross about it.

And because of what happened, Selena interviewed me, so now I’m on the internet as one of her student examples of “success”.

Wow.

I’ve repaid every last penny of debt, except for my mortgage–which has never, ever been late (just between us, we know that’s not actually true, but the late fee was removed and no record of that fateful day in January 2009 was kept, as far as I know).

I guess losing my house entirely was not required, because that’s not what happened (my adorable cottage where many retreats have been held). I guess I’ve always needed exactly the amount of money I’ve had, not any more, or any less. I guess I didn’t need to move into my mother’s basement (we have a very loving, kind relationship now). I guess I didn’t need to even work hard or earn every penny. I guess I really don’t know much about anything and what it’s happening for.

And you know what?

My financial failure was one of the best experiences of my entire life.

The turnaround is TRUER.

I would have never, ever seen the magnificent generosity of humans when asked to help out. I would have never learned of the kindness of my own mother, my sisters, my extended family. I would have never learned of the unconditional acceptance of my boyfriend who became my husband. I would have never learned to love learning and growing so much, and to love the wild nature of having a business. I would have never learned to hold still and notice if money was really required for happiness. I would have never become so clear.

I would have never done so much that terrified me….and have it turn out fabulous. 

“The Master view the parts with compassion, because he understands the whole. His constant practice is humility. He doesn’t glitter like a jewel but lets himself be shaped by the Tao, as rugged and common as a stone. ” ~ Tao Te Ching #40

Much love, Grace

P.S. Selena offered a teaching webinar earlier this week for self-employed folks. It is available for replay today only. In it are some great ideas, you might love it to assist your work if you’re an artist, coach, counselor, holistic sort. Literally, Selena will be taking her webinar down and starting her next group of Get Known Get Clients very soon (which I do recommend also).

Watch her webinar replay here.

If you want to see my interview with her (I still feel shy about sharing it, and, it’s not true) you can still watch it here.

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Who is making you do it?

dictator1
We have ways to make you do that task. (Believe your thoughts)!

As someone who has a private practice, it’s weird how often I notice thoughts about Employment vs My Own Business.

The other day, one of my clients who has been working with me for a very long time, wanted to dig deeper into her thoughts about work and jobs and career.

She was at a crossroads, had been sitting there for awhile, and through the work we had done together she was wondering if she should go left, or right.

She needed to take action.

(She needed some money–although we had done quite a bit of work on that over time and she was fairly relaxed about money overall, and had a good chunk of it in the bank).

But “doing” something was calling to her.

I had her make a list about her beliefs about getting a new job, or starting her own business (she saw the choice between the two as a key dilemma, or decision).

I’ve done this work myself.

I decided to do it again, after my day was over and this client kept popping in my head.

Here are the stressful concepts I myself found when it comes to the two ways to make a living and earn money, which have been my primary options in life (so far):

Being Employed (Job): Having Your Own Business:
Commuting Volatile Income
Co-workers Taxes
Required meetings Hustling to fill retreats
Doing tedious or pointless tasks Difficult (or irritating) clients
Must be onsite/at work DIY (Do It Yourself or Hire It)
Five days a week Working all hours, any time
Boring People wanting it for free

As I sat down to make comparisons, I could see how fast the mind would like to see what’s good about that other position over there, and bad about this one.

Or….what’s good about this position here,  and bad about that one over there. (I love how this comparison drops in quickly when hearing about another person’s difficult plight, or remember BAD scenarios from the past).

Every single item on each list is worthy of questioning and clearing the mind, with The Work.

But the other day, when I wrote out this list, I had an almost-aggressive feeling about the pointless, tedious tasks I used to have to perform at my previous job, as I remembered it.

Data collecting, and putting the data into an excel spreadsheet.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I loved having the data–it was quite fascinating, and I loved making the charts and looking at comparisons and sort of the big picture, and sharing them with the leaders involved who cared about these results….

….but I HATED that I had to do the data entry.

Yuck.

SUCH A DRAG! NEVER AGAIN! (Grrrr, RESIST).

Can’t someone else do this? It’s so stupid. And boring. A waste of my time.

I hate when you have a job, you’re an employee, and you have to do stuff you hate!

This is so close to the work my client did….let’s question it!

You may have had the same thought as well, about anything in life you dreaded doing, thought it was boring, thought it was repetitive, dull, annoying, even overwhelming…..

….but you HAD TO DO IT.

Is that true?

Yes. It’s in the job description. I could get fired if I don’t…..

Are you sure?

No. I’ve never told anyone how much I hate doing it. Not one single person at this company. Including my boss.

How do you react when you think “I HAVE to do this task!”

I put it off. I wait until the last minute possible. I try to think of rewards, or motivation, or what I’ll do when I’m done. I do it, and bear it rather than enjoy one ounce of it. I feel tense, and tired. I look at my co-workers and see what they’re doing, and notice it’s better (or worse).

I think about quitting. Inside my head, I actually say “when I quit, I will feel sooooooo good….” and dream of the day, in the future.

But who would I be right now, without the belief “I HAVE to do this task”?

What if you couldn’t think about how you’re forced to do it, or it’s required, or it’s necessary, or fundamental to success, or that you better do it, or else (big disastrous picture)?

Without this thought of being so against this task, what my client noticed was she might ask for help, ask others if they’d be willing to do it, work with a partner, find support, or even ask other people what they suggest about how to do this task stress-free!

As my client did The Work, I realized *ping* how I never, ever asked my boss if there were any alternatives to me doing the data entry.

I always went to all our meetings, especially our annual review meetings (the ones all about me and my performance) with anxiety, with a sense of wanting to be extremely pleasing, dreading any criticism.

I was so on the defense from receiving criticism and trying to be perfect, that I didn’t ask for support or talk about what I didn’t like, or even consider what I’d like to do more.

Wow.

Turning the thought around:

You do not HAVE to do that task. 

Could that be just as true, or truer?

Yes, for me in my situation, I didn’t “have” to do it. No one was holding a gun to my head. I wanted to keep my job. I wanted to get praised. I wanted to be thought of as the one who did it right, and did it well, and didn’t make requests.

I kept doing it!  This job was many years ago, and it only occurred to me during this client’s recent inquiry that I never explored one other option, not once, than Doing It.

Who believed they HAD to do it?

That was me.

Kind of coo-coo bird, how much I blamed the job. But I didn’t know, until now, to question that thought and stop being such a victim. Must be perfect timing…now.

“An unquestioned mind is the world of suffering.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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Money, Abundance, Desire…Your Soul’s Work

Desire and Abundance...Do The Work, Clear The Way (March 18-20 weekend retreat Seattle)
Desire and Abundance…Do The Work, Clear The Way (March 18-20 weekend retreat Seattle)

The other day I got a quick chat message on skype….

….”Hey, you got time to do The Work for a sec?”

It was from someone I didn’t know or recognize.

Just like when I first started out in my business, I paused a moment to double-check if I missed anything in the short communication.

Nope.

Pretty short and sweet.

My thoughts start wondering, though.

Do they know what doing The Work is?

(It seems like not).

Do they know what “for a sec” means, or looks like?

It sounds super casual and friendly, like something someone might say who wants immediate attention, and probably is not looking to set up a session for hire, which is what I do for a living.

It’s a funny business I’m in, I sometimes muse.

That question for me would be the very same as asking a therapist….

….Hey, have you got a sec for me to run a few psychological issues by you and I can get your opinion….real quick? And I don’t want an actual therapy session or anything.

As always, so I don’t assume, I wrote back and asked….did you want to make an appointment? I gave my normal fee amount ($125), and just between you and me, I am an incredibly flexible person when it comes to payment if you truly need my time and energy and attention and you are honoring and respecting this, but you genuinely don’t have the normal fee.

(I’ve been told, too flexible–lesson learned).

Sure enough, this person wrote back: Oh wow! I didn’t know you charged for facilitating! Nevermind.

This is hilarious!

But the part I love about it is, it wasn’t the first person to ever do this.

Some people appear to think I’m simply open for calls, volunteering my time (which I do on the Helpline for The Work, two hours a month) or that I can call them back to have long conversations about how to do The Work.

This is a truly brilliant situation for me for finding small, slightly stressful or irritable thoughts about money and business and making a living and charging or asking for fees.

It will bring out all your true thoughts about money, and your possible love-hate relationship with it.

Uh, that would be MY love-hate relationship with it.

And this is perfect, right now, because I’m in the middle of running the eight week money course I love to teach (I love to learn)!

  • He shouldn’t assume I work for free or that I’m here only for volunteer service
  • She shouldn’t always show up late and go over time in our sessions and pay her bill late
  • Does he think I have no appointment calendar?
  • What does she think I do all day?
  • They don’t think my time is precious!
  • They don’t respect the huge investment made in training in The Work and human behavior (my master’s degree)
  • REALLY?
Ha ha, I’m laughing already, but let’s take a look.
You might be able to find this, even if you don’t charge money for anything. Maybe you feel this way about what you’re paid at your job and the raise you didn’t get, or what someone offered you once when you sold your car.
I’m not respected! Or there is something seriously OFF about them!
Is this story true?
Yes!
I mean….what are they thinking? How could they assume this?
But can you absolutely know this is true?
No. I really can’t know.
How do you react when you believe they are either insulting you, or they are missing a card in the deck if you know what I mean?
Wow….I start wondering if there’s some kind of vibe I put off that says “will work for anything” like I’m holding a piece of cardboard next to the freeway.
I start thinking I’m too nice….like my 8th grade teacher said. I don’t stick up for myself. I give off “kick me” or “I don’t matter” energy. I’m not good at boundaries. I don’t say “no” well.
I’m a loser. I’m bad with money. This proves it.
I treat that other person like they must be also a loser with money.
They don’t respect an independent professional, or someone running a small business, or the time and commitment of other people (OK, of me).
Oy.
It’s very stressful. It’s embarrassing. I feel childish, on top of it all.
So who would I be without this story of being used, or disrespected, or that someone’s asking too much for too little in exchange?
Who would I be without my story as I read the incoming simple question?
How would I feel? What would I say? What would I do?
I’d do exactly the same thing I already did….
….write a simple email back….
….without all the horrible dark thoughts of angst, self-criticism, attack, upset, disappointment, discouragement, or heavy meaning.
The moment would be soooo efficient, it would be mind-blowingly simple.
Did you want to set up a session? No.
Done.
My niceness, kindness, care, attention doesn’t have to have anything to do with the money exchanging hands.
What’s true is, I charge for my time. I have a business. Apparently, I need to earn money in order to be able to buy food and pay for my house, clothing, transportation.
Seriously, I don’t have other money available for my basic expenses.

In the world of infinite possibilities of what we can do, this is the one I finally have done more than any other profession or job….and I’m not sure “I” went with it, by the way….but it’s the thing I do and I trade this beautiful experience for money.

And yes, I do it for free sometimes, but this would be impossible without careful consideration and blocking aside my volunteer time in a truly caring and respectful way for my own schedule.

I turn the thoughts around….and while I’ve done this work before, I’m realizing something in this moment as I turn them all around to myself. Again.

  • I shouldn’t assume I work for free or that I’m here only for volunteer service (ouch, yes).
  • I shouldn’t always speak up late (about showing up late) and go over time in our sessions (without being clear) and NOT ask why the bill isn’t paid?
  • Do I think I have no appointment calendar?
  • What do I think I do all day?
  • I don’t think my time is precious!
  • I don’t respect the huge investment I’ve made in training in The Work and human behavior (my master’s degree)
  • REALLY?

These are all true.

I act passively, and don’t speak up for what I want and need, and then call myself a loser for caring about money, or not asking for money, or being unclear about money.

I think I’m supposed to be Mother Teresa and never keep a penny for myself, and yet, I’m a human with needs that cost money.

I notice….these people who ask if I’ll help them, for free, are an echo of my past beliefs coming forward to be seen again, and faced.

Yes, I am still clearly uncomfortable talking about money, asking for money, charging money, running a business, hiring an employee, paying taxes, paying bills, sending bills, caring about money.

Wow.

I do care about money.

I want to care about money, not ignore it and treat it like it’s nothing and of no use, or something dirty that I still happen to need, like a toilet.

But who would I be without the thought I have to get this all perfectly cleared up, squared away, that I have to be awesome and happy and charitable at all times, that I have to avoid looking selfish and greedy, that I have to be carefree, content, giving, saintly, generous and say “yes” to anyone who asks and never ask about money?

I’d be respecting money itself….which I haven’t. Not in my own mind. Not in my actions.

I turn the thoughts around again, but this time….to money.

  • I shouldn’t assume money works for free or that it’s here only for service (for me)
  • I shouldn’t always show up late for money (yep, started earning it in my forties) and give it away in our sessions (by going over time) and being so uncaring about it coming late
  • Do I think money has no appointment calendar? It’s just supposed to show up when I ask?
  • What do I think money does all day? Nothing?
  • I don’t think money is precious
  • I don’t respect the money investment I made (especially when I don’t charge reasonable fees, or ask for payment, or respect my accounting)
  • REALLY? (says money to me, do you care at all about me?)

“Why is money trouble? A better question to ask is: What happens to us when we are in its presence?…Money itself provides the occasion for finding this kind of deep ambivalence in the self, and money is one place where the soul’s work must be done.” ~ Stephen Jenkinson in Money and The Soul’s Desires, A Meditation

As I inquire today, I whisper thank you to money today. I bow to it’s power to bring out my own ambivalence about myself, about life, about love, service, right, wrong, reality.

I am here for soul’s work.

Turns out….money is involved.

It has a place in All This.

Just like inquiring about people I feel uncomfortable with….let’s make friends with money, too.

Much love, Grace

Abundance, Desire and The Work Weekend Retreat: If you have trouble with money, a relationship, a dream you’ve never achieved….this is the place to allow the disappointment to surface, to be felt, to see your stressful thoughts, to inquire, to find out what’s really true for you. Let’s find freedom. Question your thinking, change….your whole world.

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They have more than me

moneyquoteI’m doing lots of questioning about money again.

I guess this comes up at least once a year when the Year of Inquiry group starts inquiring for a month on money AND the eight week teleclass is running, too.

Yesterday, in Year of Inquiry we looked at such a simple and powerful thought:

They have more money than me.

You know those people?

The ones who have more?

I remember vividly a moment.

I am standing in the foyer of a huge home, some would call it a mansion. My daughter is playing here on an after-school play date with a new friend. This foyer is marble, imported from Italy (I am told, when I exclaim at the beauty of the house). I look up to see a wide, expansive view of the lake. With a dock. And two boats.

Suddenly…..I am somehow less than these people who live in this house. Like, not as good. Not as successful.

They have more money than me, certainly. They have done something right, I have done something wrong.

Sick stomach.

That’s my situation. I stare at it while I inquire. I don’t let my mind move from that moment, the way it likes to shift to something else, like another memory.

I don’t let myself move into trying to make myself feel better, now.

I stay right there in the situation.

Can you see them in your mind, wearing jewels, living in gigantic houses, frolicking about the world on jets, owning islands, going to every kind of retreat or workshop or spa they want?

What we’re questioning in this is the stress. The pain of comparison.

We’re just sooooo sure they have more.

More opportunity, more freedom, more fun, more power, more security, more creativity, more independence, more health, more support.

There’s moral value placed on what Those People are doing (or not doing).

They should….they shouldn’t….I need…..other people need…..it shouldn’t be like this.

Wow, it’s a gigantic system of Right and Wrong. Have and Not Have.

Let’s investigate.

Who would you be right now, without the belief that those people have more? More than you, more than others, more than they deserve, more than they can use?

Who would you be without the belief in judging YOU in the middle of this (which is also critical-mind, the vicious attacking mind that makes you wrong)?

Even if the ones you look at with all the money are very lovely people doing wonderful things in their communities…..

…..who are you without the belief they have MORE of anything?

I notice how I’ve had this thought about more than just money.

I’ve had this thought about other things I value deeply….like enlightenment, peace, joy.

Those gurus have more of it than me.

Those authors and actors have more influence than me.

Who would I be without this belief, if I couldn’t even have this thought run through my mind as I look at them, as I hang out with them?

What if I had no awareness of More or Less?

It’s almost so weird and counter to the way the mind normally works, it’s strange to even contemplate.

“Ego mind is so upsetting. You think you have choice, but you don’t. You’re submerged in the waters of active thinking. Only when you become aware of your attention is there choice, is there an option. ‘Oh. I can put my attention on my ego/reactive mind, or I can put my attention on silence!’ Now that I’m aware of my attention, I can choose where it goes….And you don’t need a self to do the choosing. You don’t need a self to breath, you don’t need a self to walk down the street. You don’t need a self to choose either. Consciousness itself is highly intelligent.” ~ Adyashanti

Who would I be without the belief that someone has more than me?

Feeling the peace of this moment, here now. Trusting.

Dropping down into silence, watching, feeling.

In harmony in the presence of money and whatever money is doing.

Turning the thought around…..and this is so fun and mind-boggling:

They do not have more money (or anything) than me. I have more money than them. I have more of myself, here now, than anyone else has.

I notice money is flowing around in constant motion, like air and energy. In any given moment, I can freeze it like a picture and maybe say “more is here!” or “less is here!” but then…..

…..there is another in-breath, and out-breath, another purchase of a bag of groceries, another gift coming to me, another opportunity to enjoy, another day of sun rising and setting, another paycheck received, another withdrawal from savings, another kind word, another conversation, another beautiful Ah-Ha inquiry, another person registering for something.

There’s hunger, then fullness.

Everything moving and changing and flowing.

I am not in charge.

What I have is actually…..nothing I can hold on to with my two fists.

What I have is an attitude willing to question my own thinking. What I have is awareness. What I have is silence in this moment.

I have curiosity, I have wondering.

I have the ability to expand my conditioned stories. I have the capacity to step out of this stressful story line, with money.

In my situation standing in the front entrance of the magnificent house, without the belief that these people have more money than me….

….I marvel at the gorgeousness of what is walking distance from where I sleep. I feel so lucky to be seeing it, and how amazing that humans build and invent such incredible stuff.

Without the beliefs (after doing The Work)…..a few weeks later, picking up my daughter again, I ask the owner all about what it was like to plan, build and move into this place, and where the money came from.

I learn a ton. It’s super fun.

I feel very connected. He tells me about how bored he is and that he’d prefer to be working again, rather than retired.

Ha ha!

You can stop blaming money for how you feel.

You can stop insisting, judging, condemning.

Yes, you have sooooo much more than “you” in this moment.

You have the mystery of the universe available.

You have peace, quiet, life…..right here now.

Wow. It’s priceless.

And free.

Much love, Grace

P.S. Join me at Breitenbush this summer! To get all the information and learn how to register, click HERE.

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Money left me….is that true?

money left me, and it's a crying shame....is that true?
money left me, and it’s a crying shame….is that true?

As I get ready for a full new beautiful telecourse of people gathering for eight weeks starting this afternoon on MONEY, I’m already feeling the freedom of who I would be without my current beliefs about it.

(Sorry the class is indeed all the way full, but you can join it again in the future–maybe even this spring if I can–write me with your favorite times or days).

If you’ve read Grace Notes for awhile, you’ll know where I came from (having $10.16 left in the bank and a $2000 mortgage bill due in 3 days).

It sucked.

Or so I thought.

I still have the feelings sometimes that it should never be like that again….when I get scared.

If I really go back and sit on my couch in my mind, stressing about having no money left, agony about not having enough money to put gas in my car, or buy groceries….

….it seems the same as looking back on the time I was in the war.

No, I wasn’t really ever in an actual “war” in history.

But I’ve heard people talk about being in the war, whether my grandpa in World War II, or my dad in the Korean War, or guys who were a little bit older and cooler than me who were in the Vietnam War (which horrified me as a kid).

These are all wars associated with the United States where I mostly grew up.

Well….I look on that time without money as The War. The money war.

Watching money fly away from me and feeling like I was the Titanic, sinking.

In my head, it was a war zone.

My own private war, with money.

With the universe.

At that time, in that situation sitting on my couch looking at my bank statement, with no current job and nowhere else to borrow from….

….I felt so ashamed.

I was volleying shots directly at myself, kicking myself.

When I look back, I can see that even though it was pretty straightforward when it came to money….

….I Would Not Stop Kicking.

I would not stop kicking MYSELF.

I screamed and demanded that money show itself to me, come to me, be with me, stay with me, not abandon me, rescue me.

Jeez, get a grip woman! Stand on your own two feet!

Nope, wouldn’t do it.

I insisted that I was too small, lost, incapable, and unworthy.

Until I lost all of it.

Fine.

I noticed I was still breathing, even as I said “fine” with total surrender and defeat and anger.

And I wasn’t dead.

Actually….I had a fridge with food in it, a car in the driveway, and clothes in my tiny closet. I had a mom saying she’d take me in if I needed it.

If I had had no mother, I know a friend would probably have volunteered or invited me to stay for awhile.

Just because you have debt, even colossal debt….

….just because you have spent addictively, or felt you MUST HAVE some item….

….just because you’ve been weird with money (and I mean this with people who have tons, and people who have none)….

….doesn’t mean it’s over.

Have you noticed?

If you’re alive, you have the capability of standing on your feet and being cared for.

In the Year of Inquiry group we’re in Month Five.

Money Month!

Yesterday, we looked at the most basic and very stressful belief about money…..

…..when you see it walkin’ away (pull out the strings, this is the basis of a good sad heart-break song).

Money Is Leaving!!!! Oh no!!!!

It doesn’t seem so funny in the moment, though, right?

How do you react when you see money flying AWAY from you, moving to other people, debts you owe, bills?

One inquirer in YOI noticed how vulnerable she felt. Total exposure.

I have to ask for help, I have to connect with people. I have to call and ask why a check hasn’t arrived yet, or call and tell someone I can’t pay my bill this month.

So embarrassing.

But what if you didn’t believe it’s wrong to be vulnerable, or dangerous to not have money? What if you didn’t think you were guilty, or a sinner, for being without money?

What if you just got here from another planet, today. And you never heard of money before. You were here for an adventure, for joy, for excitement, for learning, for riding a rollercoaster (that’s life, right?)

Who would you be without the belief that money is leaving you, when it moves from your pocket or bank account or hand or debit card…..

…..to somewhere else?

Turning the thought around: money is arriving, money is staying, my thinking is the one that’s leaving (wandering off after the money), I am leaving myself….in the name of money.

Some people become super poor and never go to work because of fear about money. Some people become super rich and work all the time because of money.

Who would YOU be if money didn’t matter? Just for today?

What would happen if you stayed with you, your own best friend, knowing how worthy and awesome you are?

Best of all, for me in my “disaster-lose-everything” situation, was being without money and realizing…..

…..wow oh wow…..

…..the inner center juicy peaceful glorious place within has never been absent, has never left, will never leave.

This present moment is alive, and pulsing and rich with creativity, rest, and No War.

Astonishing.

I thought I needed money to be happy, in that moment on the couch with $10.16 left in my bank account.

After I did The Work that day, a little over 7 years ago, I picked up the phone and called my mom.

We had the best conversation we had had in years, about me moving in with her and bringing my two kids with me and all the worries and anger I had about her trying to run my life and order me around if I moved in.

It was a truce conversation, in my own heart.

I knew it might be hard if I moved in with her, but it would be an incredible adventure and I could trust the universe to have brought me into it.

Except, right after THAT like the next day…..I got a job offer and a secret donation from friends and family for my birthday which covered a whole month of expenses, including that mortgage payment.

Who would you be without your war stories with money?

Could they actually be peace stories underway?

And I don’t care how much money you have.

It really doesn’t matter.

Much love, Grace

 

P.P.S. Join me at Breitenbush! To get all the information and learn how to register, click HERE.

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The beautiful thing about the truth about money….it’s free

moneyblossome
have a love affair with money

As I walk through life (and sometimes run, I admit) in the past couple of years, one thing has been very, very, very transformative and awe-inspiring for me.

The way I relate to money.

The way money appears to relate to me.

As in, we’re having more fun together than we used to. Almost a love affair….but let’s not get carried away.

Now many people might think….

…..oh. What? She’s making money now? That’s what’s happening?

That MUST be what she means by having a love affair with money, if that’s what’s going on!

But check your assumptions about what a “love affair” actually is.

Is it all I-get-what-I-want-and-I-am-comfortable-at-all-times easy-peasy non-confrontational never-asking-you-to-grow kinda deal?

If that’s what you want with a love affair, there’s nothing wrong with that.

And, that’s not what I’m talking about.

Somewhere along the way in my life, I discovered through extreme fear and suffering (it took some yelling to wake me up) that what a truly deep, wild, fantastical, growth-inspiring love affair looked like with money….

….was to lose my need for it to go MY way.

(Secret hint: this is true about romantic love, other people, your family, and everything else in your entire life).

My way involved money always directing its attention towards ME.

Staying with me, giving to me, calling on me at all the right moments, showering me with appreciation, bringing me gifts, making it fun-fun-fun pleasure ALL the time, growing before my eyes, asking nothing or very little of me.

How did I react when I believed the thoughts that money doesn’t care about me personally when it was not acting the way I wanted, and it should, that money should stay with me and never challenge me, ever?

Twisted up in knots.

Terrified.

Angry.

With those thoughts, I felt small, tiny, and inconsequential. Unloved. Left behind. Less than others who had more money than me.

Who would I be without the belief that when money moves away….

….it means I’m abandoned, or unloved by money, or incompatible, or undeserving, or bad?

Without the belief that money is acting unacceptable, frightening?

That money is not doing as I wish, that it’s leaving me unhappy and all alone?

Who would I really be without these beliefs?

Holy smokes.

That’s an amazing feeling.

The lightness of allowing money to be as it is, moving the way it does!

To not “need” anyone, including money, to do it the way I want in order to be happy…..laughter-inducing.

The freedom to not have to depend on money to come to me in times of trouble…..incredible.

Turning the belief system around about money:

I do not need it to survive. Never have.

Money needs more of me, pouring myself into the world and meeting the world with joy, instead of the other way around.

Turning thoughts about needing more money around to the opposite (I don’t need more of it than I ever have) I notice I have abundance all around me, and its free for the noticing.

Grass, trees, sidewalks, parking places, bicycles at the gym, daylight hours, conversations, videos, furniture, long slabs of wood creating a floor, pieces of furniture, art, air to breathe.

Abundance everywhere I look.

Including the direction “in”.

“The Tao never does anything, yet through it all things are done. If powerful men and women could center themselves in it, the whole world would be transformed by itself, in its natural rhythms. People would be content with their simple, everyday lives, in harmony, and free of desire. When there is no desire, all things are at peace.” ~ Tao Te Ching

Now don’t go off thinking this means you’re supposed to not have any desire for money, if you do.
That’d be pretending stuff that isn’t really true.
Just investigate the stress.
I keep seeing there’s nothing to fear, and money keeps asking me to grow. It invites me to create, to bring service and have a ball doing it.
And this is what I always so deeply wanted anyway.
So thank you, money, for being soooo challenging, and such an exciting, brilliant, wise, ingenious energy.
You’ve loved me so much that you want me to come out of my cave of introversion, shame and being small and insignificant….
….and turn up the volume on being here, on being myself, and connecting very honestly and intimately with the world.
“This is the beautiful thing about the truth: ever-present, always here, totally free, given freely.” ~ Adyashanti
 
Truth is free.

 

Truth about money is free.

 

All you need to do is inquire within.

Money Love Story 8 week telecourse Thursdays 2-3:30 pm beginning on January 14th. So much fun to watch it fill up with awesome people. We will have a great time investigating money with exercises, questions and prompts that allow you to see what you think, that’s hurting, and change your relationship with money.

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

Are You SURE You Should Buy It? Spending worries?

guiltyspend
Are you guilty if you spend?

The other day a friend shared with me her former husband’s sarcastic text about her upcoming vacation.

“I guess you’re not broke.”

I instantly was personally defending my friend, when I heard of this text, without speaking a word out loud.

That guy makes ten times as much money as my friend! He goes on a minimum of two luxury vacations a year. He demands his 12% payment from her for sports and medical fees for their kids. He ignores her at every extended family event.

He should CHILL OUT!!! Jeezus!!

How could anyone get so unhappy about money? How could anyone be such a jerk, such a victim, and keep it going for ten years (he’s been paying child support this long)?

But I watched my mind flare up, and I watched the passion to believe.

Almost like someone is beckoning seductively.

Come on over here. 

This is a really juicy one. You can get VERY upset about that nasty ex-husband of your friend (who you’ve never even met, by the way) and give it a good run, even for ten minutes.

Come on, let’s go.

Have a reaction, have a war….you can do it!

I felt a surge of energy in my chest and heart.

And then, so strange. (Because my mind is a little disappointed….no someone’s-been-done-wrong story? Awww…..)

Even as I saw the pictures and felt the force of energy against this phantom ex-husband I’ve never met….

….I felt compassion for this man, who didn’t want to get a divorce in the first place, and how terribly angst-ridden and sad he is about his loss.

He’s still angry.

He’s still upset, confused.

His life didn’t go the way he worked so hard for it to go.

And….if I read his words, in the most simple way, without emotion or stories attached….they are actually true.

My friend has felt, as I did, like she was dead broke following divorce, and then living paycheck to paycheck.

But she’s not! She can go on this vacation!

Don’t we all know it’s a terrible strain to live paycheck to paycheck, counting your pennies after mortgage, car payment, groceries and phone bill?

I can’t do anything extra! I can’t do anything luxurious. I can’t go out to eat like other people. I can’t buy anything that isn’t completely justified and required for survival. I can’t take workshops or retreats. I can’t enroll in special programs. I can’t buy fancy clothing. I can’t give to charity. I can’t…..

I can’t allow my money to go from here, in my bank account, to there….unless it’s, 1) a clear benefit to my well-being and improvement, or 2) required for my children’s happiness or, 3) I owe it from previous debt, or 4) a gift to someone who needs it more than me (which is a lot of people….I should be more grateful on top of all this!)

The thing is, my friend felt guilty before her former-husband even texted a word.

I know, because she had talked about it as she made plans for the vacation, decided to do it, figured out how to pay for it, and packed her bags.

It’s really, really painful feeling guilty about something that costs money, when you believe you do not deserve it, money is scarce in your life, and you better stay safe.

What to do?

I’m going on vacation myself, and I notice some of the very same thoughts.

I should stick around and keep working.

I’m going to need to prepare for Year of Inquiry and other fall events. I really need to tweak my website more after the overhaul not long ago. I need to make sure I’m ready for Eating Peace retreats. I need to map out my 2016 invitations.

I can’t leave town! I have to concentrate, stay with the program, focus!

Sigh.

Who would you be without the belief that you shouldn’t spend your money on that thing that brings you pleasure?

Something unusual. An interesting item to buy. A learning experience. Something that supports your life, your growth, your awareness.

It doesn’t have to be big. This can be ever so small.

Who would you be without the belief you shouldn’t dive in and go ahead and spend?

Especially if it’s clear you won’t go into debt or compromise your own sense of integrity.

I’m not saying throw all caution to the wind and go crazy buying a yacht.

But this is like my friend’s vacation.

She’s thought about it for several years. She’s actually trading some work for part of it. She’s getting low-cost fees and deals for buying way in advance, or sharing expenses with a whole group.

If you actually have the money to spend (and sometimes, its great to spend what you don’t actually have and to borrow, with integrity)….

….even if it’s a very small purchase by comparison….

….who would you be without the belief that you’re in danger if you trade your money for something you’re quite sure will bring you something you deeply value?

True, it’s not guaranteed.

But if you can question your beliefs, even as your luggage gets lost, your plane gets cancelled, your partner gets sick, you miss the train, the weather sucks….

….who would you be without the belief it has to go perfectly in order to be of value, to be of importance, or to be “worth it”?

Who would you be without the belief you are taking a HUGE RISK by spending some money?

Deep breath.

Wow.

I’d realize money comes in, goes out, comes here, goes there.

I’d recognize I can make the best decision possible at any moment. I can involve myself in wild unusual activities, like signing up for something really fascinating, or visiting a place very, very far away.

Without the belief it will be an emergency if I spend “x” amount of money, I notice there’s lightness on the money coming in, too.

What if safety is not an issue?

What if I can ask for what I need, and wait?

What if a former husband says “I guess you’re not broke”?

It’s true.

I’m OK. I’m not broke. I’m whole. Mended. Put together. Making a choice.

I’m alive, enjoying planet earth, trading money for things I find important, pleasant, necessary, and wonderful.

Whether its food, or a learning program, or a book, or a house.

Not frantic, buying something quick before I have “nothing” again in the near future, not grabbing for crumbs, not going into debt, not desperate.

Easy. Free. Not beating yourself up for feeling anxious, undeserving, worried.

Letting everything be here.

“Defense is the first act of war…..Without you, how can I know the places in me that are unkind and invisible? You bring me to myself….If you say one single thing that I have the urge to defend, that thing is the very pearl waiting inside me to be discovered.” ~ Byron Katie

What did my friend need to realize, and I mean deeply realize within that she had not seen before?

That she was not broke, but thriving, adventurous, courageous, independent, strong and that she actually has all she needs, in order to be happy.

Maybe you have enough, too?

No matter how much it is.

“Questioning the thought that arises when you hit a bump in your life can radically change the quality of your whole existence.” ~ Byron Katie 

Much love,

Grace