Money left me….is that true?

As I get ready for a full new beautiful telecourse of people gathering for eight weeks starting this afternoon on MONEY, I’m already feeling the freedom of who I would be without my current beliefs about it.

(Sorry the class is indeed all the way full, but you can join it again in the future–maybe even this spring if I can–write me with your favorite times or days).

If you’ve read Grace Notes for awhile, you’ll know where I came from (having $10.16 left in the bank and a $2000 mortgage bill due in 3 days).

It sucked.

Or so I thought.

I still have the feelings sometimes that it should never be like that again….when I get scared.

If I really go back and sit on my couch in my mind, stressing about having no money left, agony about not having enough money to put gas in my car, or buy groceries….

….it seems the same as looking back on the time I was in the war.

No, I wasn’t really ever in an actual “war” in history.

But I’ve heard people talk about being in the war, whether my grandpa in World War II, or my dad in the Korean War, or guys who were a little bit older and cooler than me who were in the Vietnam War (which horrified me as a kid).

These are all wars associated with the United States where I mostly grew up.

Well….I look on that time without money as The War. The money war.

Watching money fly away from me and feeling like I was the Titanic, sinking.

In my head, it was a war zone.

My own private war, with money.

With the universe.

At that time, in that situation sitting on my couch looking at my bank statement, with no current job and nowhere else to borrow from….

….I felt so ashamed.

I was volleying shots directly at myself, kicking myself.

When I look back, I can see that even though it was pretty straightforward when it came to money….

….I Would Not Stop Kicking.

I would not stop kicking MYSELF.

I screamed and demanded that money show itself to me, come to me, be with me, stay with me, not abandon me, rescue me.

Jeez, get a grip woman! Stand on your own two feet!

Nope, wouldn’t do it.

I insisted that I was too small, lost, incapable, and unworthy.

Until I lost all of it.

Fine.

I noticed I was still breathing, even as I said “fine” with total surrender and defeat and anger.

And I wasn’t dead.

Actually….I had a fridge with food in it, a car in the driveway, and clothes in my tiny closet. I had a mom saying she’d take me in if I needed it.

If I had had no mother, I know a friend would probably have volunteered or invited me to stay for awhile.

Just because you have debt, even colossal debt….

….just because you have spent addictively, or felt you MUST HAVE some item….

….just because you’ve been weird with money (and I mean this with people who have tons, and people who have none)….

….doesn’t mean it’s over.

Have you noticed?

If you’re alive, you have the capability of standing on your feet and being cared for.

In the Year of Inquiry group we’re in Month Five.

Money Month!

Yesterday, we looked at the most basic and very stressful belief about money…..

…..when you see it walkin’ away (pull out the strings, this is the basis of a good sad heart-break song).

Money Is Leaving!!!! Oh no!!!!

It doesn’t seem so funny in the moment, though, right?

How do you react when you see money flying AWAY from you, moving to other people, debts you owe, bills?

One inquirer in YOI noticed how vulnerable she felt. Total exposure.

I have to ask for help, I have to connect with people. I have to call and ask why a check hasn’t arrived yet, or call and tell someone I can’t pay my bill this month.

So embarrassing.

But what if you didn’t believe it’s wrong to be vulnerable, or dangerous to not have money? What if you didn’t think you were guilty, or a sinner, for being without money?

What if you just got here from another planet, today. And you never heard of money before. You were here for an adventure, for joy, for excitement, for learning, for riding a rollercoaster (that’s life, right?)

Who would you be without the belief that money is leaving you, when it moves from your pocket or bank account or hand or debit card…..

…..to somewhere else?

Turning the thought around: money is arriving, money is staying, my thinking is the one that’s leaving (wandering off after the money), I am leaving myself….in the name of money.

Some people become super poor and never go to work because of fear about money. Some people become super rich and work all the time because of money.

Who would YOU be if money didn’t matter? Just for today?

What would happen if you stayed with you, your own best friend, knowing how worthy and awesome you are?

Best of all, for me in my “disaster-lose-everything” situation, was being without money and realizing…..

…..wow oh wow…..

…..the inner center juicy peaceful glorious place within has never been absent, has never left, will never leave.

This present moment is alive, and pulsing and rich with creativity, rest, and No War.

Astonishing.

I thought I needed money to be happy, in that moment on the couch with $10.16 left in my bank account.

After I did The Work that day, a little over 7 years ago, I picked up the phone and called my mom.

We had the best conversation we had had in years, about me moving in with her and bringing my two kids with me and all the worries and anger I had about her trying to run my life and order me around if I moved in.

It was a truce conversation, in my own heart.

I knew it might be hard if I moved in with her, but it would be an incredible adventure and I could trust the universe to have brought me into it.

Except, right after THAT like the next day…..I got a job offer and a secret donation from friends and family for my birthday which covered a whole month of expenses, including that mortgage payment.

Who would you be without your war stories with money?

Could they actually be peace stories underway?

And I don’t care how much money you have.

It really doesn’t matter.

Much love, Grace