Tag: Byron Katie

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I did it wrong

bow
bowing to whatever appears as difficult

Night before last, while still in California after the beautiful retreat I was offering ended, I went with my delightful host (her home was where our Eating Peace Retreat took place) to see one of the gazillion spiritual teachers in the Bay Area.

The gathering was sweet, small (maybe 25 people) in a gorgeous old mission-styled building in Berkeley. The three-quarters moon shone brightly.

For about half an hour, we sat savoring silence.

My eyes closed, I could hear people entering and shuffling behind me, yet feel the sweetness of space, quiet, a centeredness inside that’s here no matter where this body goes.

Outside, satsang….Inside at the center, dark sweet quiet.

This lovely teacher (Pamela Wilson) was sitting in a soft red chair, facing the rest of us in the audience. She was gentle, with a kind voice and a darling smile and long straight light-colored hair like mine. She didn’t speak long before asking if anyone had a question.

I love watching and hearing how a guide at the front of the room works with the questions from an audience. She had a kind approach, soft and motherly voice, unassuming yet clear, without hesitation, periodically suggesting people give an internal “bow” to anything they’re observing, including the mind.

She suggested bowing especially to things we object to. You just give a little bow, from the heart, on the inside, and no one has to know.

Isn’t that sweet?

Towards the end, I raised my hand, although I honestly had no question.

As the microphone made its way towards me, I thought “I better think of a good question” but mostly what I wanted was to speak “hello”. I wanted to know how she came to discover this sweet way with the world. I was so curious about her journey, which I knew nothing about.

“But you can’t ask her about herself….you have to ask her aboutyour spiritual journey whatever that is….so you leave with a new tidbit for your toolbox.”

With the mic in my hand, I started explaining, saying “here’s where I used to be, here’s where I am now” giving my assessment of my “spiritual” journey and she was someone who might comment on how I’m doing so far.

Afterwards, I thought….”Why didn’t you just have a real, more honest talk and share in the moment rather than ask for advice All About Me And My Journey? Why didn’t you go ahead and ask her about her experience the way you wanted to?”

After sleeping deeply and well, when I awoke the next morning, my mind turned to the memory of this moment the night before and watched the feeling of a mild version of “I did it wrong” appear.

Funny how this little thought can be tiny, or enormous, and cause immense suffering depending on how sure you are it’s true.

Can you find some moment or some experience where you thought “I did it wrong?”

Just about everyone in the Eating Peace Retreat I just facilitated had many times thought they did it wrong with food. They did it wrong with eating, with a meal, with a binge, with a diet, with a compulsive moment, with their bodies, or with their weight.

When you have a lot of proof that you did it wrong a terrible feeling can come over you, in this moment now. (As your mind scans your life it sees you, at many different ages and different moments, doing it “wrong” perhaps).

Even in that tiny flash of experience I recently had, asking the spiritual guide/teacher a question, my after-thought was I did it wrong. So funny to recognize this familiar idea, repeated over a lifetime.

We’ve all heard of the idea that you can’t do it wrong, or you can’t make a mistake….but we sure don’t always believe this idea, right?

No way

I’m sure I could have done better, we’ll say. I screwed up. It was a bad outcome. I definitely did it wrong.

But let’s investigate to see if it could be absolutely true we could do it wrong, and it’s a terrible thing this is so.

The best way I know how to get to the heart of it, and explore, is to land on a specific time and place in your life where you really believe you DID do it wrong.

I can go to the moment at satsang. You can go to your own experience where you think you did it wrong.

You did it wrong, is that true?

Yes, Grace, you did.

You made way too much noise in the head. You didn’t stay simple and true to yourself. You rambled. You made no sense. You were float-y and using retarded terms like “this is taking too long”.

What is “this” you were talking about? Why would you confess you have a thought about the pace of time “this is taking too long”….or sound like you’re trying to get somewhere, like an awakening in the future when you already know that’s ridiculous? Why would you try to explain your “spiritual” journey when you basically don’t even know what that is in the first place, really? Why talk about yourself when you actually want to talk about her instead?

What a dunce.

Question Two. Can you absolutely know something went wrong

Can you absolutely know all this chatter, so intent on the wrongness of Grace’s question in that moment, is wrong itself?

(Out of the wrong-ness blossoms the idea that even thinking I’m wrong is wrong).

How do I react when I believe this idea and follow the trail or line of thinking that there is something “wrong” or inadequate or not enough or missing…..and even that thinking something is wrong, is wrong?

(Hilarious).

The way I react is I see whatever “me” is as disappointing. Less than enough. This moment is missing something. Like there’s a gigantic buffet of wisdom in that room (inside the spiritual teacher especially, and the two hours we have together) and it is not a part of me.

She has it, I don’t.

Like I remember with food and eating and the way it used to feel for me (not enough, wrong, too much, never just right). I am empty, not full enough, I need more. And I need it fast. There may not be another chance.

But who would I be without this belief that something wrong could occur? Without the thought I said it wrong, or did it wrong, or did it less than ideally, or I didn’t get what I needed, or I didn’t get fully satisfied, or I wasn’t able to ask the question the “right” way so I could take in information and feel the fabulous sensation of tasting and getting enough?

Who would you be without the belief you did it wrong?

Yes. Even that BIG thing you did wrong?

What I notice is that right now, not much is happening. I am typing and the mind is streaming these words as I wonder, pause, feel fingertips on computer keys, sense this body, notice mind flashing pictures of people I’ve met and love, or the bright smile of Pamela

You might look around and see what’s happening, now

What’s the opposite of “I did it wrong”

I did it right

Couldn’t this be just as true, or truer

Of course

If you really think about reality….how could it be any other way? It’s what happened

It got me here, to this moment now.

“This place where you are right now,
God circled on a map for you.”
~ Hafiz
 
This includes the “wrong” thing you did.
Which includes talking into a microphone on a quiet Sunday night in Berkeley, California with a loving blue-eyed teacher and an attentive accepting group of humans all gathered to talk about life.
Can you see examples of how where you are right now is right, and what you did “wrong” helped you get to it?
Yes.
I bow to that thing I did, now. And now. And now.

Much love,

Grace

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if you’re of sound mind, how can you possibly believe?

You can make the wrong decision….is that true? It’s YOUR decision….is that true?

The other night, my husband and I got in the car as the sun set, on a glorious warm spring evening here in Seattle.

We were headed for an annual event, a great friend’s birthday party–always lively, full of music, dancing, conversations, costumes, re-connecting, joking.

And then I said….”Wow, I’m kind of tired. I’d almost rather stay home and rest and hang out with you.”

I had been on a road trip that very day, driving a couple of hours to another town with my daughter and mom to tour the same college I graduated from–a bit of a memory-lane experience for me. My daughter was accepted there, but not so sure she wanted to attend.

It had been an emotional day, a day full of feelings, long-forgotten images.

I had told several other friends, who always went to this big shin dig every year, that I wasn’t guaranteed to be there, because of this college visitation day.

I knew after a long day on the road, heading out for a party might not be on the top of the self-care list.

Right when I suggested out loud about not going…..my husband said “Really? Well, if you don’t want to, I’m COMPLETELY happy to turn this car around and go back home.”

Six minutes later, we were back home.

We were both asleep by ten o’clock.

At 2:30 am, I woke up thinking about my former life in college and what a strange, uncomfortable, self-destructive, anxiety-ridden time it had been, whether or not my daughter would be OK if she attended the same school, all the fun I missed at the party that night and the people I didn’t get to see, the final IRS payment I needed to make for taxes, my upcoming Eating Peace retreat next week.

Fortunately for me…..I could feel the Not-True-ness of the wee-hours thoughts, and I soon fell back to sleep again.

But it reminded me of how painful it used to be to think I made the wrong decision.

  • I should have gone to a different college
  • I should have been more mentally healthy when I was in my twenties
  • I should have gone to that party last night
  • I should have chosen a more solid career earlier in life
  • I should have married an entrepreneur long ago, or a playwright

If you’ve ever thought you made the wrong decision, it can be a horrible feeling if you think the consequences or outcome is BAD.

Not long ago, a young woman wrote to me saying she needed help, she was filled with such regret about saying “no” to a man who asked her to marry him.

He went on to get married to another woman.

Her heart was broken, she said she felt desperate, devastated, like she’d made a terrible decision.

But who would she be without her belief her decision was “wrong”?

Who would any of us be without the belief that our past decisions were the “wrong” decisions?

What if we truly didn’t know? What if it was not true? What if it went the way it went for a very important reason?

Who would you be without your story that it should have gone differently, and YOUR DECISION was the cause of your suffering?

Even though you have a voice, and you did say “no” and you were the one who walked away, or you were the one who chose (apparently), you were the one who said “yes”, you were the one who did or didn’t follow a path, you were the one who turned left….

….who would you be without the belief this was all up to you.

This doesn’t mean it was someone else’s fault suddenly. This is more like, who would you be without it being anyone’s “fault” at all?

What if it should have gone just as it went?

Can you find anything, whatsoever, coming out of that decision and how things unfolded, that benefitted your life?

I notice, when I look at what resulted from my decisions, and trust the way life ran itself, many good things came from every choice (and I’m not sure it was ever “me” solely choosing anything, to be honest).

That college gave me support, kindness, and attention that no other more competitive environment had given me. I graduated. I grew more honest. I dated a very loving boyfriend. I had an amazing therapist who lived in the town of that college who taught me the art of journaling to get to know myself.

My mental suffering led me to a passion so deep for understanding the human condition, I was lit up with learning ever since. My career was awakening, what could be more thrilling, and why would I want anything more solid?

I should have married exactly who I did, and NOT married exactly who I did not. I should have married myself (the practice of a lifetime, and pure joy to be married to “me” now).

I should not have gone to that party the other night.

It was a beautiful, restful, gentle night of silence, wondering, making peace with my college days, making friends with thinking, meditating in the night, spending time with my life partner husband in great connection, watching the rest of Mooji (one of my favorite teachers) miraculously on video even though he was in India and I was in Seattle, feeling the space of inner peace deep, deep within, feeling grateful.

Can you find, in this present moment, what is OK about it, no matter what decision you ever made?

YOU made that decision, is it true?

“When you believe you can make the wrong decision…you’re in past, future, past, future…don’t worry about the present, just past, future, past, future!….The universe will give you what you need. There are soooo many advantages. If you’re of sound mind, how could you possibly believe you made a mistake?” ~ Byron Katie video clip youtube

Every thought somehow, lately, feels less true than ever, and fading into oblivion.

Without this moment having anything wrong with it–including a past decision?

Presence, here now. Life. Joy. It is a feeling in the very center of anything that could be thought.

Can you feel it?

Much love, Grace

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Who is making you do it?

dictator1
We have ways to make you do that task. (Believe your thoughts)!

As someone who has a private practice, it’s weird how often I notice thoughts about Employment vs My Own Business.

The other day, one of my clients who has been working with me for a very long time, wanted to dig deeper into her thoughts about work and jobs and career.

She was at a crossroads, had been sitting there for awhile, and through the work we had done together she was wondering if she should go left, or right.

She needed to take action.

(She needed some money–although we had done quite a bit of work on that over time and she was fairly relaxed about money overall, and had a good chunk of it in the bank).

But “doing” something was calling to her.

I had her make a list about her beliefs about getting a new job, or starting her own business (she saw the choice between the two as a key dilemma, or decision).

I’ve done this work myself.

I decided to do it again, after my day was over and this client kept popping in my head.

Here are the stressful concepts I myself found when it comes to the two ways to make a living and earn money, which have been my primary options in life (so far):

Being Employed (Job): Having Your Own Business:
Commuting Volatile Income
Co-workers Taxes
Required meetings Hustling to fill retreats
Doing tedious or pointless tasks Difficult (or irritating) clients
Must be onsite/at work DIY (Do It Yourself or Hire It)
Five days a week Working all hours, any time
Boring People wanting it for free

As I sat down to make comparisons, I could see how fast the mind would like to see what’s good about that other position over there, and bad about this one.

Or….what’s good about this position here,  and bad about that one over there. (I love how this comparison drops in quickly when hearing about another person’s difficult plight, or remember BAD scenarios from the past).

Every single item on each list is worthy of questioning and clearing the mind, with The Work.

But the other day, when I wrote out this list, I had an almost-aggressive feeling about the pointless, tedious tasks I used to have to perform at my previous job, as I remembered it.

Data collecting, and putting the data into an excel spreadsheet.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I loved having the data–it was quite fascinating, and I loved making the charts and looking at comparisons and sort of the big picture, and sharing them with the leaders involved who cared about these results….

….but I HATED that I had to do the data entry.

Yuck.

SUCH A DRAG! NEVER AGAIN! (Grrrr, RESIST).

Can’t someone else do this? It’s so stupid. And boring. A waste of my time.

I hate when you have a job, you’re an employee, and you have to do stuff you hate!

This is so close to the work my client did….let’s question it!

You may have had the same thought as well, about anything in life you dreaded doing, thought it was boring, thought it was repetitive, dull, annoying, even overwhelming…..

….but you HAD TO DO IT.

Is that true?

Yes. It’s in the job description. I could get fired if I don’t…..

Are you sure?

No. I’ve never told anyone how much I hate doing it. Not one single person at this company. Including my boss.

How do you react when you think “I HAVE to do this task!”

I put it off. I wait until the last minute possible. I try to think of rewards, or motivation, or what I’ll do when I’m done. I do it, and bear it rather than enjoy one ounce of it. I feel tense, and tired. I look at my co-workers and see what they’re doing, and notice it’s better (or worse).

I think about quitting. Inside my head, I actually say “when I quit, I will feel sooooooo good….” and dream of the day, in the future.

But who would I be right now, without the belief “I HAVE to do this task”?

What if you couldn’t think about how you’re forced to do it, or it’s required, or it’s necessary, or fundamental to success, or that you better do it, or else (big disastrous picture)?

Without this thought of being so against this task, what my client noticed was she might ask for help, ask others if they’d be willing to do it, work with a partner, find support, or even ask other people what they suggest about how to do this task stress-free!

As my client did The Work, I realized *ping* how I never, ever asked my boss if there were any alternatives to me doing the data entry.

I always went to all our meetings, especially our annual review meetings (the ones all about me and my performance) with anxiety, with a sense of wanting to be extremely pleasing, dreading any criticism.

I was so on the defense from receiving criticism and trying to be perfect, that I didn’t ask for support or talk about what I didn’t like, or even consider what I’d like to do more.

Wow.

Turning the thought around:

You do not HAVE to do that task. 

Could that be just as true, or truer?

Yes, for me in my situation, I didn’t “have” to do it. No one was holding a gun to my head. I wanted to keep my job. I wanted to get praised. I wanted to be thought of as the one who did it right, and did it well, and didn’t make requests.

I kept doing it!  This job was many years ago, and it only occurred to me during this client’s recent inquiry that I never explored one other option, not once, than Doing It.

Who believed they HAD to do it?

That was me.

Kind of coo-coo bird, how much I blamed the job. But I didn’t know, until now, to question that thought and stop being such a victim. Must be perfect timing…now.

“An unquestioned mind is the world of suffering.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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Who started the war?

The link to my Women For One article (would love love if you feel moved to scroll to the bottom and comment) right HERE.

********

startingthewar
What are you defending against? Study the situation closely to find out.

Oops.

I had a hissy fit with my teenage daughter.

She might be my Number One Replay Guru.

What I mean by “Replay” Guru is someone who didn’t just bug me one time, or a troubling relationship from the past, or a relationship that involved an “incident” so to speak, or with a friend or partner or family member there was a “thing”.

No….a Replay Guru is a person who when you regularly interact with them, it’s basically a Replay of the same exact dynamic replayed in a slightly different setting or on a different day. But almost the same conversation.

Over and Over. And Over.

Rewind….Click the “Play” button on the remote….watch the way she said THAT, then I said THIS, then she tensely said THAT, then I tensely said THIS, then she said what I said–only it was WRONG, then I said don’t put words in my mouth, then she said THAT, then I huffed and left the room.

LOL.

OK, it’s funny NOW to me. Sort of.

A day later and after I texted her at school “I know I wasn’t listening to you, and I’m sorry and I love you, always” and she texted back “K”.

I’m amazed by how my sense of self (small “s” intentional), my ego, my demand for personal respect and/or agreement rises up like a creature from the Black Lagoon.

But it isn’t really a solid thing, the “ego”. It’s more like an energy, a defended little ball of energy that wants to curl up and never get hurt again by harsh words. It sends out defensive fire, as they say in war talk.

How did the little conversation begin, you ask?

Oh, we were arguing over a TELEVISION SHOW and how one of the characters SHOULD have acted, if they were a nice agreeable sort of person.

Yep.

(No, you can’t see the replay, there will be 17 minutes of silence in that particular section of my life video).

Often when we have these fiery quick repeating replay conversations with people close to us in our lives (I actually did this for a few minutes) we’ll be very upset with ourselves, and the other person, and bounce back and forth between the two trying to figure out who is at fault.

The mind loves knowing who is to blame, in a threatening situation.

The far more interesting, and sometimes far more difficult, activity is to wonder what was frightening, just in the split second before the need to defend arose. You can’t have defense without feeling threatened, after all.

So I take a look.

I review the situation which is recorded in my own mind, from my perspective.

I find the moment where the most troubling feelings appeared inside me.

It was when I spoke out loud, after the final scene in this TV show where the main character heroine (who happens to be the age of my daughter) looked sad and dejected after asking a young man if he wanted to get a cup of coffee sometime, because she’s trying to “date” in her new freshman year at college.

The young man said to her “no, not really” and walked out of the room.

“He could have been nicer about it” I said, and explained how people can say “no” but do it super cool and smooth and kindly so that the other person hearing the “no” isn’t hurt.

My daughter said she much prefers direct, blunt, without explanation. “Who cares about saying it nice?!”

Gasp!

No! People should be polite, kind, gentle, and good listeners! They shouldn’t be rude, they should say no clearly with love, they shouldn’t leave someone disappointed.

This wasn’t necessary going through my mind consciously, but as I look closely now at this touchy moment, this is what I have to say if I give that intense voice some words.

That’s what finding the situation is all about, and staying very close to it so you can slow it way down and see what troubled you.

And it’s the first and most important step in going deep in The Work.

As I reflect upon the situation, I see if I were in the shoes of this TV character (the young woman) I’d feel horrible for a second, and then try to get over it, and probably avoid that guy if I ever saw him around campus.

How did my daughter get so confident?

Why do I get so disturbed by rejection….whether I am the one saying “no” or the other person?

Ack…..is this the Abandonment-Is-Terrible thing again? That ever-endless Top Hits Parade “I am abandoned” or “I could be abandoned” or “Do anything not to be abandoned” or “Abandoning Ship is the only way out of a difficult relationship”.

Seriously?

Sigh.

I realize as I sit with this situation that I was sure our main character in the TV show would be hurt, feel rejected, feel rejectable, feel unworthy, and contract into herself.

My daughter did not see it the same way.

(WHAT??!!)

And in fact, my daughter doesn’t treat me with kid gloves, doesn’t hold back, expresses herself quite simply and clearly, and assumes I can handle what she has to say.

By looking at this situation very closely, and not fast-forwarding into the future…..I can feel an old wound in my side, in my heart.

A belief that says “people can hurt me” or “Rejection can happen any moment, and it’s bad” or “hearing or saying ‘No’ means someone did something wrong”…..

…..all of which boil down to “I need to be liked, she needs to be liked, they need to be liked, he needs to be liked, everyone needs to be liked.”

Phew.

I’ve got my underlying belief laid out in front of me, ready for inquiry.

I wanted my daughter to agree with me, and like me, and share the belief I’ve had since I was a little kid…..that being liked is fundamental for survival, and abandonment must be avoided, that NOT being liked is actually happening in that moment, and it’s dangerous.

Is it true?

“Who started the war? I did. She just told the truth. And I start to punish her for being more enlightened than I am. If there is a war in my life, I started it. There’s no exception. If the war ends in my life, I end it. I end it, or it doesn’t end. No exception.” ~ Byron Katie in Who Would You Be Without Your Story

Much love, Grace

P.S. Eating Peace Webinar on Control: The Harder Way Is Easier (no cost) Monday 5-6:30 pm Pacific Time. Click HERE to get all the information in your Inbox with the link to join on Monday.

 

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I’m published on Women For One!

I am sooooo thrilled to be featured on Women For One.

This beautiful and far-reaching organization is a global community of women sharing their truth, stories, and inspiring action and transformation. Featured TruthTellers on the site are Maya Angelou, Marianne Williamson, Marie Forleo and Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor.

Recently, the founder Kelly interviewed Byron Katie. Kelly founded Women for One in 2011 and I love her tagline “permission to be real, granted”.

So now, I’m a “TruthTeller” on Women For One, too!

So deeply honored to be among such amazing women.

I would be so grateful if you headed over to the article I wrote, and leave a comment below the article there.

Click HERE to read my article. If you’re moved to comment, lovely. If you’re moved to share the article with family and friends, thank you ever so much. It so helps to spread the message of peace that’s possible for us all.

Much love and big gratitude,

Grace

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You don’t have to be afraid of the truth…even if it means breaking up

begging
Ugh. He is soooo needy and demanding.

When someone is acting needy or demanding, like they can’t give up until they get what they want, we’ll often judge their behavior as sooooo…..ewww.

There they are, plowing ahead knocking other people out of the way to reach their goal…..or pining and moaning in a corner somewhere because they’re not getting what they want.

Both human behaviors are a bit irritating, even though they’re kind of opposites to the same coin.

Whether someone else is the needy, clinging, grabby person, pushing, selfish, demanding person, you might have one type you notice in your life (or maybe both) on a regular basis.

Either one feels, well, gross….as my teenage daughter would say.

It feels wretched, and upsetting, or infuriating.

Even if you think YOU exhibit one or both of these types of energies, and you don’t admire it much in yourself, there’s a way to address it, and it’s kind of counter-intuitive.

Find SOMEONE ELSE–Not You–who has this irritating or desperate behavior you’re calling needy or demanding, and judge the heck out of them on paper.

Get out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, and picture the needy or demanding person acting the MOST needy or demanding they’ve ever acted, who is so insecure (or whatever you’re thinking of them) and write every uncomfortable thought down, unedited, on this worksheet.

I’ve got one.

How about you?

A man who once said to me that he was going to commit suicide without me in his life.

Ugh.

When he wrote that to me….I thought he was completely nuts.

I have this picture of him, long before the declaration that he wanted me to be his girlfriend…..following me to my car, never taking a breath he talked so much (we were friends), and holding on to the open door while I got in. I politely waited for him to pause, so I could get a word in edgewise, shut the door, and drive away.

He’s a dependent addict. Needy, extreme, lost and ridiculous in his thinking. He should get some serious psychological help and to stand on his own two feet. He’s a stalker. I need him to grow up and act normal. He’s sick.

Let’s inquire.

Is it true?

Yes!

Can you imagine committing suicide because someone doesn’t want you? What is this, Shakespeare? Creepy!

For me, it was terrifying.

But could I absolutely know it was true, that he was a dependent addict, like a love addict, with me? That he was needy, extreme, lost, ridiculous…or a stalker?

Not 100%. Well, not at all, now that I think about it.

He lived hundreds of miles away, he worked hard and made lots of money. A love addict?

I didn’t really know.

So how do you react when you think someone’s too needy, or someone’s too demanding, about getting what they want, in any way?

I notice, I try to get away. I ditch them.

If they’re bossy and demanding, I feel afraid. If they’re crying, I withdraw.

So who would you be without your beliefs about this person?

Without the belief he’s reaching, grabbing, begging, insecure, addicted, overwhelmed, too focused on me, and a baby?

“Mind is the creator of all of it, and when you see someone as unkind, it’s reminder that your head is off, not your body, and it’s time to do The Work….Our work’s not done until we stop being at war with anyone or anything.” ~ Byron Katie

Oh yah.

Heh heh.

Without these thoughts and beliefs, I notice the room I’m in, my surroundings. I’m here with myself, and many strong and intense emotions, feelings and images in my mind (of him).

I turn the thoughts around….without using it to attack myself, but instead using it to open up to who the projector is, and that I might not know any better either, just like him.

I am a dependent addict. I am needy, extreme, lost and ridiculous in my thinking. I should get some serious psychological help and to stand on my own two feet. I’m a stalker. I need me to grow up and act normal. I’m sick.

Deep breath.

I’m the one whose heart started pounding when reading a few words on email. I’m the one whose whole day was ruined, just because of not knowing where he was and because he didn’t answer his phone. I stalked myself with my frightened or angry thoughts about him. I woke up in the night, thinking. I needed me to grow up and act normal. I’m the one who acted like a love-addict, like contact with him was my “fix”.

Back then, when I did my work at the time…..

….I saw how I expected someone else to be the grown up (not me, never me) and act mature, enlightened and give the appropriate response to this situation.

It’s like I didn’t think of myself as the one who possibly could be clear, loving, honest and vulnerable.

But it turns out…..I could.

I “broke up” with him, feeling a sense of humility and great clarity too (not wishy-washy), seeing how I was just as weird as he was in the whole dance, acknowledging what a total love-addict I had been, and how dishonest, and how needy.

I gave myself a big hug, and cried a long while, for being so extreme, and lost, and not standing on my own two feet.

“You have everything you need in order to be an honest human being. No one ever has to be afraid of the truth. It’s the defenses that we build around the truth that strike fear into our hearts….If I think ‘What’s the matter with him?’ there is something the matter with me in that moment. I’ve just put an obstacle between us. It’s only a thought, but look what my mind does with it. And until I question what I believe about him, until I do The Work, I lose the awareness of love. So I question it, and love is visible again.” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is It True?

Wow. Love becoming visible again.

Sweet.

Start with your most despicable judgments. Write them all down.

Who ever would have thought your worst thoughts could become lightbulbs to awareness, freedom….LOVE!?!

And if you’d like group support to do The Work together on difficult relationships….you’re in luck. On Wednesdays from 9-10:30 am Pacific Time March 23 – May 11 (no class April 4 or April 27) we’ll begin working together on this powerful journey of inquiry. That’s Noon Eastern, 5 pm London. Click HERE to join read more, or to join the six session telecourse Relationship Hell To Heaven.

Much love, Grace

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When you think of you-know-who…are you feeling stress or peace?

Peace Talk Episode 107 is released. I loved talking with Kathleen Gage about practical, everyday inner peace…and no mistakes.

Also, today is Sunday afternoon meetup for folks wanting to drop in to get a taste of doing The Work of Byron Katie 2-4 pm. Seattle. Only $10.

****************

fighting
Are you feeling stress or peace when you think of that person?

I received a text once, the last one in a series of texts back and forth about a good friend’s divorce involving lawyers, cease-and-desist orders, heavy alcohol use, terrible sadness, upsetting scenes with kids.

Ugh. The whole thing seemed to be getting worse, and worse, and worse.

Even though I wasn’t so sure, I wrote back that he should do everything in his power to NOT go to war and make more enemies. I called it my Martin Luther King moment. I had this weird hesitation when re-reading it, but I hit “send”.

This is what I got back:

“I’m totally at peace with whatever happens. If you tell me ‘you will get through this’ or ‘in the end you’ll be OK’ again, we will no longer be speaking.”

You gotta admit, this is pretty clear.

I felt smacked down.

Inside I had a voice that said something like “fine, take your completely-at-peace self outta here and go f*%^ yourself, see if I care.”

That would be slightly defensive, wouldn’t it?

Saying something sarcastic, saying I didn’t want to talk anymore, saying he was acting defensive, pointing out he didn’t exactly seem at peace…..any of my immediate comments would be feeding the very same slap-down energy.

War.

I could feel it inside when he told me these words, like a fire ready to explode, in my gut, and I wanted to cry.

The words to accompany the feeling, if I spoke them out loud, were basically like a scream, a wail, pure cussing, a rage.

Inside this voice was having a fit of Poor Me, or I-Have-Been-Ditched or I-Have-Been-Threatened or I-Have-Never-Been-So-Insulted-In-My-Life.

Defend, defend, defend.

And right under this, very hurt.

A great sweeping sense of pain.

I knew that if I wanted to learn from this interaction (and I always do, please) I needed to listen, not tell him what to do or how to be or send back a defensive or hostile text.

I also knew, I needed to focus back on myself and get in my own business, not on his.

How do you get back inside your own business, when someone ditches you, or tells you they don’t like what you said?

The Work.

I identified my thoughts, the hurt ones yelling in my head and bursting in my heart and feeling sick in my stomach.

He doesn’t care about me. He thinks I’m shit. He’s an asshole. He’s a big fat baby, and a victim. He’s so rude. He doesn’t understand me. He’s a liar. He’s sick. He hurt me.

Take a deep breath.

Is it true?

Yes, cry. Hurt, angry, raging, fists pounding, choked up, abandoned.

Are you sure it’s true? Really, really sure?

Deep breath again.

I pause, I look. I see the movie in my head of him, I see the words on my phone, I feel tears form in my eyes. It’s like anger has nowhere to go. And a sadness….why are people so mean like this, so full of rage? Was my pep talk to him really that horrible? Jeez. Poor me.

(I ask myself these questions almost simultaneously while doing The Work….why am I so full of rage? Can I find how what I said WAS horrible?)

Is it absolutely true, all these things I mention, all this pain about him?

In the breath, I look around and see outside the windshield of the quiet parked car. The world is still underway outside this car.

I stop and sob a minute. So hurt.

Is it absolutely true he is this mean asshole who thinks I’m shit, doesn’t understand me, is manipulative and babyish and rude….and he hurt me?

Back then in my car, I said YES!

Fists gripping the steering wheel. Then back to writing.

Now, as I look back doing this work….I can’t say it was absolutely true.

No, it wasn’t.

I don’t know, I don’t know. I have no idea of the entirety of what was going on there. What came out of it was an important and very good change. So, no, it was not absolutely true….even if I have doubts. I survived, I had happy moments, I wasn’t all-hurt-all-the-time. I’m not even sure “I” was hurt. Wow.

How do you react when you believe these thoughts?

In writing, I look at each thought one at a time. I want to give my mind clarity, not get scattered, settle down. I want freedom.

The silent part of me can see how I’m sitting in a quiet car, alone, and how peaceful this moment is EXCEPT for my thoughts.

How do I react, when I believe and think these thoughts? I hate. I feel furious. I want to throw a knife. I feel violent. I want to cry. I feel scared. I think I’m right. I think he’s wrong. I think I’m better. I think he’s worse. I think he’s the source of pain, not my own thinking. Wow.

This isn’t just “defensive”, it’s the energy of war.

So who would you be without the belief? Without the thought that this list of horrible qualities I’ve written down and offenses and meanness are all true?

Hold still.

What would that be like, if the thoughts you have about someone who you think hurt you…..were not true?

What would it be like to not have the thoughts in your head at all? Like, if you couldn’t think them?

This is not denial, not playing mind-games with yourself trying to be nicey-nice when you do NOT feel nice.

But remember how I wasn’t so sure my thoughts were the Absolute Truth of All Time (as if I was God) anyway….and after some time passed I realize my thoughts about this person might not be true at all?

In that moment I felt so hurt and criticized, what was happening really?

Memories. Movies playing in my head. Very quiet car, rain pattering on windshield, skin on steering wheel, things (called cars and people) moving about.

As I remember the words, the letters on a screen I read, I realize without the thought, I’d be a person reading a text (and not even that, since it’s a memory) and no one ever yelled at me. No one ever screamed for me to stay away from them. No one ever said I was shit, or they didn’t care about me.

I look more closely, I spend time there looking instead of picking up a verbal baseball bat to prepare to hit.

Because fetching a baseball bat, whether physically or with words, is actually…..hell. I can feel in the heartbreak, in the turmoil, how hellish it really is.

As I sit and look with this space of a breath, and not believing what I’m thinking is 100% true, I see a person in my mind (my friend), trying to do the best he can. And he even said “I am completely at peace.”

Wow, I didn’t even hear (believe) those words. Why not? Because, they are actually at one level entirely true, no matter how he’s acting or what he’s doing.

Turning the thoughts around:

He does care about me. I don’t care about him. I don’t care about myself. I think I’m shit, I think he’s shit. I’m an asshole. I’m a big fat baby, and a victim, in this situation. He’s so direct and clear. I don’t understand him, or myself. I’m a liar. I’m sick. I hurt him.

What if these were just as true, or truer?

I slowly, carefully, with unconditional acceptance for myself, found examples.

And then….this boiling energy, and hurt energy, lifted and seemed to vanish instantly.

I became aware of how much I love him, and also don’t have to be his best friend. I don’t actually see him all that much, I realized. I don’t know in depth about his life, I’ve assumed a lot, and what I heard at that time via text scared me, I replied with advice “you’ll get through this”, so he would settle down and stop being so upset.

I really was a liar!

I was scared of his opinions, and scared of his temper. I didn’t want to show how sad I felt, how scared, and how horrified I was about his troubling story and life circumstances.

I covered all that up and told him “in the end you’ll be OK” and honestly, I don’t even know what OK looked like. The situation he had shared with me sounded absolutely awful, with many people getting hurt and acting crazy.

I dismissed his situation, I didn’t care about him.

The truth would have been to write “Your situation sounds truly awful. I don’t know what to say. If you want to do The Work, I’m here. If you want me to listen, I can do that–but barely. I’m feeling pretty sad about it.”

I hurt him.

Oh.

I hurt myself, too.

I got very caught up in someone else appearing to freak out (which I don’t know was actually true) and I freaked myself out, about their situation, in zero to 60 in less than one second (the time it took to read a text) and started ladling out advice to get him to stop freaking out, so I could, too.

Wow.

“For thousands of years we’ve been told not to judge–but let’s face it, we do it all the time. We all have judgments running in our heads. Through The Work we finally have permission to let those judgments speak out, or even scream out, on paper. We may find that even the most unpleasant thoughts can be met with unconditional love…..This doesn’t mean that you have to invite your enemy to dinner. Friendship is an internal experience. You may never see the person again, you may even divorce him or her, but as you think about the person, are you feeling stress or peace?” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

P.S. If you have some work to do on someone like this….Spring Retreat is May 13-15. A few spaces left.

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Finding Your Way In Between The Thoughts…Not Fighting Them

fightinganimals06
Meet no resistance, do The Work

Uh oh.

One of my best friends in the world who lives in another country is in the middle of a break up of a long-term relationship.

We hear about these things happening all the time.

People bickering, spending thousands on lawyers, he did this, she did that, this is mine, that’s not yours, he’s insane, she’s wrong.

The couple involved are both basically incredibly, deeply, fundamentally shaken and hurt. They’re feeling guilty, confused, shocked, and angry to the core.

Funny how this goes, and it’s so opposite to the first budding romantic excitement of a brand new love.

This was a person you once decided to buy property with, or have children with, or share a kitchen and bathroom with….

….and now you hate them.

Kind of weird, right?

What the heck happened?

Often, it’s small things that happen over time, and how people communicate what they really feel (or don’t communicate), and stories that build up….than can definitely be questioned (but never were).

I’ve worked with couples from time to time when they call for sessions doing The Work together.

People read their worksheets to each other, with all the most blistering and childish beliefs written down about the other person (the stuff we’d normally never say out loud).

Both people have to be really willing to hear difficult things from the other person, take it in, and feel it and hold it as something to learn from.

I find, many people would love to be able to do this, but they can’t.

(Only, of course, they can….maybe just not yet).

They don’t know how to NOT feel defensive, put up a wall, cut the other person off in anger, take things very personally.

My friend, who knows The Work and is super willing to question her own thinking was so angry at her partner she was half-crying half-yelling in her voicemail.

Sometimes, we just break down.

It’s kinda normal, really. Maybe even the breaking down, breaking apart…..breaking…..isn’t so bad after all.

But here’s something I thought after listening to her, calling her back and talking awhile.

I hung up the phone, and I felt a little sad myself.

“They’re both acting like total babies.”

I could feel this feeling of YUCK inside my own chest.

Thoughts like….I want nothing to do with this ridiculous juvenile behavior. They should get a grip. People are mad.

And then, I realized….my own thoughts of being against them fighting were similar to them actually fighting.

Sigh.

Time for The Work.

They should stop fighting.

Is it true?

Yes, damn right they should stop. Did I tell you about how they got together in the first place so many years ago and how there was already some concern, and…..

…..Oh. I almost forgot.

I was answering the question.

Right.

Is it absolutely true they should stop fighting?

Um….YEAH.

How do you react when you believe they should stop, and they don’t?

I remember my two kids fighting. I believed this thought. I remember my neighbors fighting about a loud dog. I believed this thought. I remember my grandpa and dad fighting about money and respect. I believed this thought.

And what about the wars in the world?

I believe this thought.

How do I react?

Upset, very sad. Wanting to get away from it all, get away from the human race. It’s depressing.

So who would you be without this belief, that people should stop fighting?

Wait, what?

What d’ya mean, without that thought? Are you saying….it’s OK for them to be fighting! You must be crazy!!

No. This isn’t saying you find it OK, acceptable, good, kind, happy, beneficial.

Not at all.

But without the thought screaming in my mind, without the bracing within my body against this thing called “fighting” I definitely relax a moment.

I think about these people who are fighting, and I want to understand, to connect, to listen.

I don’t tell them what to do, I don’t give speeches, I may or may not be super involved (my friend, after all, lives a long way away).

There’s a space of silence or a pause between thoughts, between words.

I notice, in reality, there is fighting. Always has been. Maybe always will be, who knows. I saw dogs fighting yesterday on the bike trail. Fighting, and fires, and fireworks, and huge waves crashing, and volcanoes erupting HAPPEN in this reality.

I also notice, in reality, there is NO fighting in this moment in my environment. It is very quiet, my daughter is reading at the table, my husband is on his computer, there’s a hum of a motor outside, I can hear rain pattering on the kitchen window.

Turning the thought around:

They shouldn’t stop fighting. They should keep on fighting, until they don’t. I should stop fighting in my own head, about their fighting. I should stop fighting myself. I should stop fighting my own thinking.

Ooh. Nice little pussy cat thoughts (like tweety bird)….you aren’t so lionishly terrifying after all, are you?

If you look at a pile of thoughts….there’s nothing there.

Ha ha!

And silence holds it all.

“It has nothing to do with effort. Just turn away, look between the thoughts, rather than at the thoughts. When you happen to walk in a crowd, you do not fight every man you meet, you just find your way between. When you fight, you invite a fight. But when you do not resist, you meet no resistance. When you refuse to play the game, you are out of it.” ~ Nisargadatta Maharaj in I Am That

Much love, Grace

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Leaping Into Heaven…Special Leap Day Ways to Do The Work

leapyearspecialHave you been wanting to enter the deep place within where you can see your stress or anxiety, look at it with eyes open….

….and turn your thinking around?

In honor of LEAP day (my favorite!)….let’s leap into The Work.

What’s your top repetitive stressful scenario you deal with in your life?

Some people answer this question with “my relationship!”

They’re talking about a primary person they’re coupled with in their lives, or the one they’re dating, or the one they divorced!

Other people answer this question with “money!”

Maybe a source of stressful thinking in your life is through other people close to you at work, in your family, your kids, your friends.

One of my greatest sources of suffering was my eating, body image, lack of confidence, feeling undeserving, being addicted to fear and negativity.

All of us sometimes feel anxiety, irritation, anger, sadness, or fear.

Those feelings are our inner compass.

They’re the key that says “Hello? Hello? Tension is here! You might want to slow down, see what’s really going on, and question what you’re thinking!”

Even though all these feelings are so uncomfortable, they’re awesome for pointing to what wants to be investigated.

So….good, if you feel some stress.

You’re not broken. You’re a human being with a Thought Detector (known as Feelings).

There is nothing like doing The Work for doing this investigation, at least for me (and for so many people I’ve worked with).

It’s four questions, followed by finding the “turnarounds”.

They take a little time, maybe 20 minutes.

It’s a practice, like meditation, or relaxation.

Sometimes I’ve said “but I don’t have the time, I don’t want to slow down, I don’t want to answer questions” and yet, every single time I have done so, my life has changed just a wee bit.

Or done a 180.

Complete. Turnaround.

Happy about the divorce, instead of terrified. Curious about the cancer, instead of an anxious wreck. Full of wonder about the new possibilities, instead of angry about getting fired. Relaxed about the person I’m connected to, instead of annoyed.

Safe. Inspired. Open.

In honor of this wonderful Leap Year February 29th which won’t happen for another four years….I’m opening up some options for you for guidance in The Work and this powerful form of self-inquiry that leads to awareness, and peace.

It’s only if you need a kick-starter.

I sure did.

When I first read Loving What Is, I sat down on my couch in my living room while my kids were occupied with blocks and books for awhile.

I leafed through the pages.

OK, I thought. I get it. Now I need to try it.

I answered the questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, that first step where you get to identify what you’re actually thinking without it whizzing by so fast, like a speeding bullet.

The worksheet said “Judge Your Neighbor” so I judged my neighbor. She was a little irritating, now that I thought about it.

I look back and I think to myself….really?

That’s all I could come up with?

I had a mountain of past suffering, pain, tension, grief and shock that were all running my life and very un-investigated at the time. Even though I had been in therapy. Even though I had come a long way, and was very stable and no longer suffering from an eating disorder or addictive behaviors like smoking.

It took a lot of guidance, and attending Byron Katie’s 9-Day School for me to actually buckle down and DO The Work. Until then, I was a great avoider.

After I actually questioned my beliefs, I found out it wasn’t so horrible to see them, and take them through the process of The Work.

I wasn’t so afraid of what I thought anymore.

But it took people helping me, facilitating me, for me to get there. I couldn’t have done it alone.

If you find you’re stuck-ish, or not getting to the heart of the matter with your inquiry, or persistently struggling and anxious, then maybe you’d like to try a different approach with The Work and join a class, do some one-on-one sessions, or come to retreat.

So that’s where Day of Leap comes in.

I wanted to do something special just for today, and only for today.

I’m offering a set of options. See if any one of them appeals to you if you’re wanting more clarity around your exploration of what youthink that brings on stress in your life.

This work is about how to turn what you’re thinking around and find peace in its place, new ways of thinking about your difficult situation, and brand new possibilities.

See if something here is right for you.

It’s my honor to serve you in this amazing, lazer-sharp work that has changed so many peoples’ lives for the better, including mine.

Here’s what’s on the menu:

  • Let’s Do The Work on Not Getting What We Desire:TeleRetreat Sunday March 6 8:30 – 11:00 am PT $37
  • Intro Foundation of Eating Peace Teleclass: Six Weeks of Exercises and Inquiry to help you question and shift your inner overeater. Fridays, March 4 – April 8, 2-3:30 pm PT $197
  • One month Eating Peace In-Person Group to identify and question what fuels crazy eating or thinking about food. Seattle Mondays March 21 – April 11 7:00 – 9:00 pm. $197
  • Four Individual Sessions for $375 Skype, Phone or In-Person
  • Special Solo Retreat: In person or via skype/phone. We spend three hours together on your work, we have time for questions, reflection, talking about your work, you create a map for your living turnaround. $197.
  • Spring Retreat May 15-17 Leap Day Special $325. Three Full Days of The Work on Your Stressful Situations and Finding The Living Turnarounds! For people with some experience in The Work. North Seattle Kenmore Lodge.

These special leaping-in rates….in honor of LEAPING….will only be available until tonight at midnight.

Use this unique link to sign up for your choice of leaping in.

Click Here To Leap Into The Work

  1. Click the link above to head over to my website
  2. Click the Buy Now button at the top
  3. Once you’re in the paypal page, enter the amount of your program in the “Item Price” box and click Update
  4. Complete your payment (if you are using a credit card, follow the link that says “Don’t have a paypal account?” even if you do)
  5. Send me a personal email confirming you’ve signed up (so we don’t miss anything!) at grace@workwithgrace.com
  6. I’ll send you all the details including possibilities for scheduling, and instructions for dialing in if you’re joining the Desire Tele-Retreat or the Eating Peace Teleclass.

Can’t wait to spend this powerful and sacred time together.

“So, how do you get back to heaven? To begin with, just notice the thoughts that take you away from it. You don’t have to believe everything your thoughts tell you. Just become familiar with the particular thoughts you use to deprive yourself of happiness. It may seem strange at first to get to know yourself in this way, but becoming familiar with your stressful thoughts will show you the way home to everything you need.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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Ramit Sethi. Everything happens at the right moment.

So many people! Scary!
So many people! Scary!

Attending big events, conferences, workshops, retreats or courses are all something many of us have experienced.

It’s a big deal to have your curiosity sparked, decide to say yes to something, come up with the funds, make plane reservations or drive for hours to get somewhere, arrange your accommodations, leave your daily life behind, get time off work.

What’s more is….you want deeply to come away with vital or inspiring information, or a change of heart, or a completely new perspective that makes it all worth it.

That’s why you’re going in the first place.

There’s a lot riding on some of these things we attend!

The story in the mind is….when I get there and go through this thing, I’ll get “x” or I’ll obtain “y” or I’ll learn “z” and then I’ll have something I didn’t have before….

….and I’ll feel better, or I’ll feel fabulous, or I’ll feel transformed, or I’ll feel inspired.

So you know how I mentioned I was visiting New York?

Well, one reason I’m here was to attend a one-day conference all day long yesterday for people who run businesses, like me, who want to share their message, get their book published, understand publicity, share authentically with the world.

To be honest, this is not really my “thing”.

I’m usually headed to a silent meditation retreat, a personal growth workshop or a training that helps me be more effective with clients and students, or with myself.

I like studying peace, more than anything.

This was almost the antithesis of peace, for the introverted inner me.

Ha ha!

I was connecting and being with people all day long in conversation, with microphones, stages, chairs, coat-checks, bathroom lines.

Asking people what they do, hearing interviews, listening to a few experts, asking an editor about my book proposal next steps.

But after I’ve done The Work for awhile, I’ve got to admit, this is one pretty clear way I’m different, directly as a result of doing The Work.

I can still hear the internal thoughts float through, but somehow, I’m not really disturbed.

I really do know they aren’t true.

Here’s what they sound like, right in the middle of the conference, during breaks, keynote speakers, getting tea, walking from the front of the room to the back, seeing the person sitting next to me:

  • I don’t fit in
  • I should just take a picture
  • I should talk/shouldn’t talk to him/her/them
  • I don’t know how to connect with everyone
  • I am different than whatever’s going on here
  • this is not “my” greatest pleasure
  • it’s too loud
  • people are looking at me
  • I have nothing to say
  • what a fascinating world….look at her purple hair, his leather jacket, her huge smile, his tired worried face, their blonde heads leaning together, the sun pouring in the window.
It’s like a steady flow of thoughts, sounds, sights, smells.

 

Those thoughts float in, like little warning labels.

 

But then it’s like there’s a hand reaching out, as if to shake hello, saying:

 

“Oh hi…is it true?”
“Are you sure that’s true?”

 

“Oh…remember when you used to think that was true, like, all the time? Yah, that was funny, wasn’t it. Chuckle.”

 

All I can say is, this was probably the most fun I’ve ever had in my life at one of those conference-type educational meet-other-people and learn business thingies.

 

I even got surprised by meeting one person who popped in for lunch who was not an official part of the conference and didn’t speak publicly at all, and who happens to be a rock star in the business world.

 

I shared with him what a kick I get out of his newsletter writing about his mom, and told him it makes me happy about my own high-expectation parenting of my own kids.

 

I told him my son follows him, too, at my demand, er..I mean encouragement…and he apologized for using the F-Bomb sometimes, and he said I was a good mom.

 

It was so cute.
So fun to meet the delightful Ramit Sethi

OK….so maybe this type of event doesn’t necessarily offer a “spiritual experience”, or a shift of consciousness that’s totally life-changing so that it feels like rebirth, or a cracked open perspective, or a massive transformation in mind-body-spirit….

….or does it?

Why couldn’t anything have the possibility of inviting me to stop assessing constantly if something was “worth it”….

….but instead to simply flow into yes, or no, or maybe, and watch the way the environment around me changes….

….while something within is steady, persistent, and peaceful as a deep, vast lake.

  • I do fit in, always, and the world fits in me
  • someone else should take a picture, not me (see above)
  • talking just happens, or it doesn’t
  • I know how to connect with everyone
  • I am the same as whatever’s going on here
  • this is my greatest pleasure
  • it’s just right in sound level
  • looking is happening, and not happening at all
  • I have something to say (and nothing to say! halelujah!)

What if this quiet, empty room I’m in now, while writing this, was just as amazing as one full of people, or a meditation retreat, or the busy city Saturday streets?

Who would I be without my story?

Who would you be without yours?

“Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it… it’s just easier if you do.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

P.S. Some of the very best thoughts about a future success story are around money and business. Do yours cause you stress, when you aren’t “there” yet? Come do The Work on it! Abundance, Desire and The Work Weekend. March 18-20. Friday evening, Saturday and Sunday. $295.