Category: The Work of Byron Katie

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The Fabulous Discovery of Not Being Special

Quick News: There is room in teleclass Earning Money, starting Thursday 5:15 pm Pacific, on diving in to the stressful beliefs about money, work, and business. Click here to read about it and register.

Here’s a beautiful note I received from a participant from this class:

Dear Grace,
Thank you. 
A year ago you gave me a discounted place on one of your business courses. I went into it open minded but not exactly sure what (if any) impact it would have.At the very outset of the course I remember you saying that we should deal with whatever will stop us from fully participating in the course. That simple challenge meant it was the first course that I have taken that I completely participated in (and I have taken a lot of courses).
I am still working with my issues around money however in terms of my business.... it doubled within a year of taking the course. Working with you was a major consciousness shift. It was a brilliant and worthwhile investment on many levels. Thank you for your valuable work – and very welcome grace notes. ~ Earning Money teleclass participant 2012

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Other than upcoming teleclasses, this morning I am thinking about my recent travel. And being special (not).

Traveling by airplane is very, very bizarre, when you really think about it.

We humans can get on a big airplane that holds several hundred people, like an entire waiting room jam packed full, and all their bags and boxes, and the tubular unit (the jet) takes off into the sky and flies half way around the world at 30,000 feet.

That is sooooo bizarre.

Now, I am back in cool, gray Seattle, Washington where I normally apparently live. It’s morning here, and evening in Bali.

My brain is a little groggy.

My thoughts go something like this:

  • I should sleep all night without waking up
  • I wish I felt better physically, as in, energetic, well-rested, spunky!
  • My body has a life of its own…it seems confused about the hour of the day….and I don’t like it!
  • I wanted to be special and not have Jet Lag!

Ha! I want to be special!

One of my all-time favorite repetitive concepts, that I really don’t like to confess or mention, is all about being special.

This idea can appear just about anywhere.

It appears often for many humans in primary relationships, family situations, then work situations, creative endeavors, the urge to be “known” or  perhaps “famous”, loved, adored, special around health, time…you name it.

It’s a little embarrassing to admit having the idea “I am special”.

The mind has a voice that says “You are soooo special. You are not like all other people. Just look! You are clever! You are successful! You are an amazing manifester! You look young for your age! You’re a good athlete! You are quite a unique talent! You don’t even get Jet Lag! WOW!”

I call that the Pumper-Upper Voice. It gives assurance and pep talks and cheer-leading speeches, in an effort to feel relief, or dissolve worry, or deny that there is fear present about being ordinary, just like all other humans.

That voice that gets interested in being special is comparing yourself to everyone and everything else. It’s like there’s a huge gigantic competition, and where you fit in the percentiles actually matters.

That voice enjoys feeling like you might have a leg-up, part of an elite group, an outlier, lucky, a hard-worker….special.

Often in primary love relationships, we get very caught in thinking we are special because the other person thinks we’re special and we think they are special….specialness all around.

But no.

It’s the very same flip-side thinking as comparing yourself to others and to the universe and finding yourself lacking, less-than, worse-off by comparison.

I have a body, just like everyone else does. It is actually nothing special.

Neither is my mind, my journey, my relationships, my life experience.

The thing is, “getting” this idea at a most deep level (and we all really do get this)….that I am mediocre and ordinary and just like everyone else…can be the most wonderful, liberating, extraordinary thing.

Nothing to brace against, nothing to push towards, nothing to strive for. Simply alive, living this moment, being here….tired and knowing very little, not having any answers, on my way to death eventually.

Not trying to feel pumped, or encouraged, or bolstered up or full of big accomplishments as opposed to tired, normal, middle-aged (or whatever age you are) person.

Allowing everything about yourself to be as it is, without wishing it to be different, and without giving yourself a gold star either for accomplishment.

“Rejoicing in ordinary things is not sentimental or trite. It actually takes guts. Each time we drop our complaints and allow everyday good fortune to inspire us, we enter the warrior’s world.” ~ Pema Chodron

If right now, today, you loosen the grip of wishing you were something other than what you are, no matter how tiny the thoughts (like “I wish I wasn’t jet-lagged” or “I wish I had more money”) and see who you would be without the thought….you may have an inspiring, extraordinary, awesome feeling of relaxation.

No big deal.

If you let go of the complaints, you let go also of the compliments, the strutting, the feeling of control or better-ness or having a special spin on things…..and it’s really OK.

It’s more than OK, it’s so ordinary and sweet, without needing anything to be different….that it feels amazing.

Who would you be without the thought that you are special, different, exceptional, admired, or that it would be better if you were?

“The funny thing about enlightenment is that when it is authentic, there is no one to claim it. Enlightenment is very ordinary; it is nothing special. Rather than making you more special, it is going to make you less special. It plants you right in the center of a wonderful humility and innocence. Everyone else may or may not call you enlightened, but when you are enlightened the whole notion of enlightenment and someone who is enlightened is a big joke. ” ~ Adyashanti

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Due to great interest, I will likely start a Fall Group for the One Year Program of Inquiry on Thursday evenings Pacific Time (a different time option) beginning in September. I so love the joy people are drawn to in creating a group community sangha to investigate their stressful beliefs together for a whole year. Click here to read all about it.

P.P.S Two spaces left in Horrible Food Wonderful Food—join us on Tuesdays!

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Make Thinking Easy By Thinking Real Hard

I’m high-lighting all the upcoming classes right here front and center, with the links to register or find out more, since so many of you have questions. Skip on down below this list for the daily Grace Note!

  • A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind: Life Support For The Compulsive Thinker. June 11, 2013 – May 20, 2014, Tuesday teleclasses 8 – 9:30 am * 2 in-person retreats Sept and March Seattle * Powerful Group work. Option to do teleclasses only for those living far away! Click here to read all about it.
  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, June 13 – August 8, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. No class June 27. 8 weeks $395.Register Here. 
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 12 – August 30, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here. 
  • Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays, 6/15, 8/10, 9/7, 10/12, 11/30, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate. Click here to register for mini-retreats:
  • Loving Your Body Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013.For all the information please click HERE.

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I got a wonderful note from an inquirer the other day with a link about recovering from the anxious mind.

I was laughing out loud as I watched!

The little news video concludes that the solution to an obsessively thinking, anxious, compulsive mind is to dive into the thoughts and investigate them from every possible angle.

The news clip is a total spoof, but in it, there are some powerful grains of truth.

The true idea inside this funny video is that “the way out, is the way in”.

In other words, when you’re trying to beat your mind, crush your mental chatter, eliminate, go to war, destroy, alter, radically change your thinking….then what you resist persists.

As we’ve all heard, from Star Trek, RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.

So given that, let’s go ahead and dive full head on into the swimming pool of stressful thinking.

Let’s swim and immerse ourselves in it, so we see it, identify it clearly, wallow in it….and then capture just one of the thoughts, one at a time, and start to study and investigate it, with all our heart.

The Great Relief, thank goodness, are the steps and structure offered by inquiry, the four questions and then finding the turnarounds.

Without the capacity to inquire, we just believe everything we think…and get tied up in a ball of stress and anxiety that is sometimes almost unbearable.

At least that’s the way it was for me. Chasing after one belief, then another, then another, going around in circles VERY confused.

The Good News….the mind actually likes inquiry. It’s like it finally has something to do with all those compulsive, repetitive stressful thoughts.

At least that’s been my experience.

When I feel anxious, or like I’m ruminating and re-visiting a situation at hand over and over, when I FEEL the stress, then I know what to do!

Ask the four questions! Find the turnaround! Really consider that thought from every angle!

Thinking about it real hard….can become thinking about it real easy.

Yes, even THAT terrible situation that plagues you, maybe for many years. Even that person who hurt you, or that difficult loss, or that weird confusing experience.

You can do it, you can question your mind.

If you need the support of a group and a facilitator, then check out the classes above.

I myself did not do inquiry by myself for about 2 years after reading Loving What Is. I had to schedule myself to go to The School…and then, I needed to partner with a great facilitator for two years every single week…and then, I had to connect with tele classes of people doing The Work.

It was not easy for me to just sit down and do The Work, unless I was feeling tortured.

Join us for inquiry, if it’s right for you. Find a partner. Put it in your calendar.

Make thinking easy. If that’s all you do in your entire life….you’ve done something amazing.

Click here to have a chuckle! And then go question one of your stressful thoughts.

Love, Grace

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.  

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Chicken Soup For The Nit-Picky Mind

News flash: Breitenbush has 2 spots free. Join us for an in-person inquiry retreat in Oregon June 26-30. It will be fabulous. Click here for all the info.

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Have you ever thought of yourself as being too negative?

You notice a little complaint rise up about the temperature, or you notice that your co-worker’s laugh is rather annoying, or you see how your artwork is never quite good enough, or your spouse keeps repeating himself the same irksome way.

Today I was hiking through the jungle in Bali. Really, it was Raiders of The Lost Ark along ancient-looking paved walkways and steep staircases descending to a valley, gigantic waterfalls, wild mist rolling in, long stone stair steps all the way back up to the top of the village perched on the edge of a volcano, stunning views of the Bali Sea sparkling for a second in the distant before huge dark warm clouds rolled in again.

As I was hiking, with eyes as big as lightbulbs, it occurred to me that I haven’t included in Grace Notes enough of the glorious, quite stunning, exotic and awe-striking aspects of this country that I’ve encountered.

I’ve been too negative, mentioning a few little forays into rather minor, although perhaps stressful, situations.

What will people think!?

If you’re too negative, people get fed up. If you’re too nit-picky, people can’t take it anymore and they leave. If you’re too critical, people say mean things to you. If you’re too pessimistic, people won’t give you what you want.

The way I see it, there are two very important (and stressful) belief-systems to question in this line of thinking:

  1. I need people, I need to be liked, I want to be loved, I dislike being alone.
  2. Can I question that thing I consider to be negative, nit-picky, critical, pessimistic?

Yes, so even if the thought seems minor, sort of stupid, not really that important…and petty, childish, and dumb…put it on paper, and take it to inquiry.

For example: “her voice is too sweet like fake maple syrup” or “I don’t talk about what is positive often enough” or “He should stop talking” or “I’m too nit-picky”.

So I decided to inquire.

What is going on in that moment when I have the thought “her voice is too fakey”?

Why do I care? What does it mean?

And what about the moment I think that being negative is bad?

“I need people to like me.” Is that actually true? Yes. It would be terrible if people hate me! It would be bad if that person with the fakey voice knew what I was thinking about her.

I really do need to be a positive person. It’s just better for the world….really? 

YES!

Can I absolutely KNOW that this is true?

YES! Positivity is better! Down with negativity!

How I react when I believe the thought that people, including me, should be positive all the time? Ack, it’s a lot of work. And feels dishonest, false, like an energy-drain.

I notice, also, that when someone else seems super-dee-dooper positive like Ned Flanders, I am judgmental of them. So there’s a line…this is not really logical. I just want to control the situation and have it go “well”.

Thinking that it’s better to be one certain way becomes a trap, and I stop being able to be freely whatever is here, in this moment.

Who would I be without the thought that positive is better…because I need to be liked?

What would that really be like to NOT have the thought that I need to be any different than I am, and that I need love, or that I don’t have it already?

I’d be in the present, here looking around, noticing the mind running on like usual (that rascal) and watching it go on about its preferences and dislikes…but not really believing any of it.

I’d have a nice conversation with the syrup-voice woman and find she’s very awesome, and I’d notice he doesn’t interrupt me about 98% of the time, and I’d realize that sometimes, it’s hilariously funny how negative the mind can get.

When I turn all the thoughts around, I discover that I’m not too negative, and sometimes I’m too positive (ha!) and I’m noticing just the right amount of tiny details (the nit-picky part) and I actually do not need that person, or anyone, to like me.

“As soon as you look at the world through an ideology you are finished. No reality fits an ideology. Life is beyond that…. That is why people are always searching for a meaning to life… Meaning is only found when you go beyond meaning. Life only makes sense when you perceive it as mystery and it makes no sense to the conceptualizing mind.” ~ Anthony de Mello

It is indeed a strange mystery that I never could have predicted a decade ago, or EVER, that I would be in another land called Bali.

I have learned so much, and watched my mind, and been delighted in the Course in Miracles idea being so vivid “I do not know what anything is for.”

And I also know that you don’t have to go here, ever, to have adventure. Life is a mystery, right where you are.

Love, Grace

P.S. Three spaces left in the One Year Program which starts on Tuesday, June 11th at 8:00 am Pacific time with our first 90 minute telecall…an inner adventure in reality. Also, 8 week MONEY class Thursdays, June 13th 5:15 pm – 6:45 pm Pacific time, and FOOD/EATING class Tuesdays, June 11th 5:15 pm – 6:45 pm.

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The Truth About Hiding Dirty Mental Laundry

Yesterday I shared the TOP 4 healing elements that offered me peace from the extremely compulsive way of thinking, and ACTING, that I used to engage in from time to time.

Well, OK, that I engaged in almost constantly.

I must confess, my mind still works at warp speed quite a bit of the time.

It’s not like I’ve stopped thinking. I see images, pictures, and scenarios either that I make up for the future, or that already happened in the past.

I have sounds or smells or voices pop into my consciousness. I have memories or visions come to mind in an instant. I experience uncomfortable feelings.

Even when I’m meditating sometimes, the mind sometimes has endless commentary.

But there is something very, very different about my experience that is hard to describe….and feels much easier than it once felt.

And often, it feels wondrous, alive, accepting, or joyful.

I think Byron Katie puts it best when she says that she thinks thoughts, but doesn’t BELIEVE them.

The second step that I mentioned yesterday, out of those top four components to healing a troubling relationship with “x” (you fill in the blank for yourself) was revealing my innermost thoughts and feelings to fellow companions in total honesty…NO HIDING or running away.

This is big. Pretty scary for just about everyone.

It’s exposing your dirty laundry! EEEGADS!

Thoughts about telling the truth of how we really feel…to OTHER PEOPLE…even thoughts ABOUT those other people right to their face…yikes, that can feel so incredibly frightening!

It’s like you know you’re not being utterly and truly honest, and you have questions, concerns, fears, or observations. You can ignore it or hold it in for longer, or you can bring it up.

NO! Not bring it UP! I don’t want to talk about it to that person! They’ll hate me! They’ll get angry!

I’ve got to show CLEAN laundry! Pretty laundry! Presentable laundry!

They’ll think I’m mean, selfish, rude! They’ll yell at me, or leave the room and slam the door, or ask for a divorce, or get super scared and run into the street screaming for help!

They’ll tell everyone they know, and everyone I know, what a nasty person I am that I mentioned this hurtful thing, that I asked for what I wanted, or that I spoke of my feelings.

Then MORE people will think I’m horrible than just that person to whom I told the truth of how I felt. News will spread and I’ll be rejected and no one will want to be my friend.

EVER AGAIN!

A war will start! Either a small personal emotional war, or WWIII.

“If I tell what I’m thinking OUT LOUD, then the other person(s) will suffer—and then I will suffer—and nothing good will come of it.”

That’s a belief. It can be questioned.

I remember hearing encouragement from various healing practitioners to tell the truth. The whole truth.

But I thought what I was thinking was so YUCKY and HORRID. I should be ashamed of myself just having these thoughts.

Early on, when doing The Work at my first school, I edited one of my worksheets when reading it out loud to my facilitator. I could read most of it but not THAT sentence.

The facilitator might judge me and be disgusted!

So let’s begin….is it true that if I tell the truth about my inner feelings and thoughts that some person, or people, will suffer or be repulsed?

Can I know for sure that it would be better to zip it? Can I know that if it hurts someone’s feelings, I should not speak it?

No.

OK, they might feel hurt. But can I know this is bad, in the great big scheme of things? Do I really have control of other peoples’ feelings?

No.

When I believe the thought that I should always keep quiet lest my words or feelings disturb someone else….then I become plastic. I become false. Energy gets stuck inside. I look nice on the outside, and feel angry, tormented, sad, or very anxious on the inside.

“Can you understand how the mind has a plan? You’re planning to fear war that isn’t even going on….but I invite you to wait for the real war, and live in a state of grace.” ~ Byron Katie

When I question my worried thoughts about revealing myself honestly, then I can breathe, and share myself.

I can write a worksheet that has EVERYTHING in it I ever imagined saying, and then NOT EDIT it when I’m reading it out loud to a facilitation partner.

What a relief.

And speaking these terrible thoughts, or wonderful thoughts, out loud and exposing them, and me….I actually become more accepting and loving.

Less afraid of war. And laundry.

I actually start getting excited about telling the truth. Even if it’s terrifying and I know that the person I speak it to might leave, or judge, or feel uncomfortable.

I do NOT know, absolutely, that what I am saying is “wrong”. I do not have an internal war going on before I even talk out loud. I don’t have a plan, or an idea to force things to move in a certain direction.

I don’t have an Outcome all worked out. I am open to going with the flow of the universe.

“What would it be like if we didn’t avoid anything we knew to be true? What if we came out of hiding in all areas of our life? What if we stopped avoiding ourselves completely? Because that really is the awakened life.” ~ Adyashanti

If you’re wanting to tell your secrets, to confess, to tell the truth, to listen, to come out of hiding, and to not run….then doing The Work can be one of the most sincere ways to begin.

With The Work, it may feel scary, but you are getting real with what’s going on in your own mind. You write down your most troubling thoughts, and get facilitated on them.

It may feel terrifying…but it’s worth it. It can bring you into an awakened life.

Note: Two 8 week teleclasses start in June to question your stressful thoughts about FOOD (Tuesday 5:15 Pacific 6/11) and also MONEY (Thursdays 5:15 Pacific 6/13). And of course the incredible One Year Program of diving in together starts June 11th (only two spots left for that).

If you’re called, come join us! Your truth deserves to be set free out in the open….so do you.

Much love, Grace

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Being With People Healing Your Life

Many people have asked me over time how I ended my compulsive and addictive behavior, especially with food and eating.

Compulsive behavior can be one of the most painful cycles of human experience.

It’s lonely, desperate, grasping, repeats itself, and has “victim” stamped all over it.

On the surface, compulsive behavior looks like a terrible path. Like what freakin’ ding-a-ling would choose THAT?

It’s easy to see in someone else how unhappy they are, how stuck.

Drinking, eating, working, being helpful, over-exercising, dieting, using drugs, smoking, worrying, self-improving, checking email, cleaning, playing video games, watching TV, planning, shopping, porn, talking, researching the internet.

I once heard a woman share that to get over drinking alcohol, she formulated a structure to drink water instead. Even though she went to AA, she drank water every time she thought she had a craving for alcohol.

True story, she was at her doctor’s for drinking too much water, for suppressing her immune system and whatever else happens to bodies with too much water in them.

The definition of compulsive is to experience an irresistible, persistent impulse to do something.

It feels like a force that takes over consciousness…which brings in the VICTIM part. I am a victim of the force of this irresistible urge.

One thing I’ve talked about a lot is that the compulsive behavior is the result, it has to be the result, of compulsive thinking.

Even though it feels like the idea, craving, urge or command to eat comes out of the wild, blue yonder and descends like a cloud upon you…that’s the Great Illusion.

There was something there, in the mind, in the psyche, in consciousness, that was seen and believed and thought…and then a huge desire to avoid it, run from it, change it, transform it.

Work! Go running! Drink coffee! Drink rum! Consume!

Suddenly, the original worrisome idea, thought, dream, or memory vanishes and the mind is busy with something else instead. So it kinda works, temporarily.

I know I never would have eaten like a stark-raving lunatic if I hadn’t been deeply frightened, angry, confused, lost, or grief-stricken and been totally and completely against having these feelings.

I wanted to feel good, or neutral, or psyched at ALL TIMES.

I got really scared with almost any kind of strong feeling. I still get nervous sometimes.

One of the most powerful turning points for me in changing my cravings and urges was connecting with a group of people.

These people all were interested in being honest, open, authentic and understanding the truth for themselves.

The thing about getting truly close and vulnerable with other people is that; a) it is risky—someone may not love hearing what you’re really thinking if you speak it—they may leave, or fight, or dismiss you, and, b) you may not like yourself for what you’re thinking, let alone what you’re saying, and this feels pretty bad.

But telling the truth, exploring the truth, is worth it.

In fact, I would say that it is not just worth it, it is a matter of life or death.

A real, genuine, honest, powerful life….instead of a false, fakey, dishonest, powerless life…that feels like half-life or death.

When I stuffed myself, or drank a lot of alcohol, or smoked, or planned, or moved my home compulsively (I counted how many places I lived from age 18 to 30 once and it was like 22) I was either really nice, really fogged out or really hyped up.

Never calmly present. And I definitely never felt truly ALIVE.

The following items are the TOP FOUR things that helped me end really destructive compulsive behavior, apparently for….a very, very long time (these are also on my website page all about the One Year Program).

The very same four steps are what change my compulsive thinking, even without behaviors that are damaging.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got compulsive cravings and urges, but they are much more subtle…and I welcome them coming along overall.

  1. Having a guide(s) or mentor(s) and fellow travelers along the road who could see sanity at the end of my tunnel…people who could feel confident of my path, trusting, even amused in response to the way I am thinking
  2. Revealing my innermost thoughts, feelings and experiences to companions in total honesty…NO HIDING or running away
  3. Being asked by a facilitator powerful, direct, lazer-sharp questions, and answering them honestly, so I could eventually ask them of myself
  4. Staying with compassion (picture an owner saying to the puppy “STAY!”). Staying with my feelings, sensations, or painful thoughts without condemning or dismissing them, so they can be truly seen.

People….a group. That was the first big healing step, the first thing that shifted a dramatic change in my behavior.

Being honest with other people, over time…allowing contact with them that was revealing, vulnerable, expressive….this made all the difference.

I stayed with my first group for three years, almost never missing our weekly sessions. My binge-eating stopped during that time. I never went back.

I’ll continue more with this theme during this week in other posts, the rest of the steps….

…but what I learned about connecting with people authentically in this path of self-inquiry is how to love.

By not running away from anyone, especially in my support group, and agreeing that I would be totally honest….then I learned true love.

Unconditional love.

“The Master has no mind of her own. She works with the mind of the people. She is good to people who are good. She is also good to people who aren’t good. This is true goodness. She trusts people who are trustworthy. She also trusts people who aren’t trustworthy. This is true trust.”~Tao Te Ching #49

If you’re ready to connect with a small group for either 2 months, or one year, or half a day (in person) then come on over to a group class. Check out the list below.

If not this, find a partner to do The Work with. Share yourself.

The more honest and compassionate, the less compulsive your thinking will be.

Love, Grace

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Learning The Three Greatest Treasures By Doing The Work

Oh so excited to begin the One Year Program in only ten days. If you’re on the fence, there are only a few spots left. We start Tuesday June 11th at 8:00 – 9:30 am Pacific time with the first teleconference call.

By the way, since many have asked, yes you can participate in the One Year program by teleclass sessions only, if you live too far away to attend the in-person retreats. You can elect to include the solo sessions with me (4 of them) or leave them out.

I am not offended, whatever your choice! Really!

I get that the teleclass-only option is less expensive and may be all you need or want. We meet generally the second, third and fourth Tuesdays of every month. The exact dates are on on my website if you click HERE then scroll to the bottom, along with details about payments and registration.

Here’s a very short, quick look-see at the programs starting soon:

  • A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind (compulsive, repetitive thinking about some situations, people, life). We go into one topic deeply every month. Amazing group of people. Commitment to join? Monthly payments, partial payments, or least expensive if you make one payment at the start. Read all details by clicking HERE.
  • Teleclass Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, June 13 – August 8, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. No class June 27. 8 weeks $395. Register by clicking HERE.
  • Teleclass Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register by clicking HERE.
  • June 15, 1:30 – 5:30 pm Mini-Retreat In Person, Seattle $70 first time, $55 any subsequent time. 4 CEUs for mental health professionals.

Remember, always, to ask me by writing me if inability to pay is the only thing holding you back.

And with all these programs coming up, I made a decision to sign up for a one-year program myself, with a very small group and a teacher/guide/facilitator I love (Stephan Bodian, author of Wake Up Now).

Signing up for such a thing sometimes brings some major considerations…perhaps even doubts, or fears!

Committing to something long-term…now that’s dangerous. Like marriage, for example. Or going to college and plunking down all that money for a 4 (or more) year program.

  • I might change my mind part way through
  • I might hate it, once I’m “in”
  • The other people (or one other person) might drive me bonkers
  • It will use up too much time
  • It will cost too much money, emotional attention, energy
  • It won’t make me happier in the long run
  • I won’t find what I’m looking for!

It really is taking a chance to enroll in something and say “yes”. You can’t know exactly what it will be like, ever. There are no guarantees, the outcome is not certain.

But the process….for myself, I know the process, whatever it actually looks like…is something I want.

It’s like meditation…we would all think it would be CRAZY to think of promising that if you meditate regularly for one year, you will be enlightened.

Yet something about going into the silence of meditation…it is offered as a practice in nearly every religious community.

When I think about going through a process, enjoying the journey, then, when I look back at my experience when it’s all over, and I naturally ask myself “was that worth it?” then I usually say“absolutely”. 

I love how The Work and self-inquiry IS a process. It’s a sort of action/meditation. Every time I set aside time to “do” The Work, I become more naturally a person who is “done” by The Work.

In other words, as I’ve heard Byron Katie express it, I enter more and more automatically the Don’t Know Mind.

I begin to notice that I’m living in a place of openness and not knowing, of surrender and relaxation and rest. I wake up and am full of wonder about the day, and sort of delighted and waiting to see what happens.

I’m not so braced up against difficult events, when they do occur. Or, the bracing period is one heck of a lot shorter than it used to be.

The more I question my perceptions of reality, and really get that I have no idea what’s going on, but a curiosity about All This, then I find life more and more….well, fun.

Now I’m not saying that it’s ALWAYS fun. Because it’s not.

But I love having The Work as a process to engage in when I think things are not going well, or they are downright frightening.

Finally, something to do with this worried, speedy-quick, relentless mind!

Not long after I was at my first school, a wonderful inquirer and friend from that school and I agreed that we would meet on the phone every single Monday to exchange inquiry.

One of us would facilitate, one would answer the questions. I needed that pinned down on the schedule or I would NEVER get around to inquiry, not fully.

So I said YES to it. And we kept going. The “rules” were that either one of us could end this agreement at any time.

The difference it made in my life was phenomenal. It wasn’t magic, explosive, mind-blowing all in one instant. It was slow and steady over time, like the turtle in the race.

Part of my mind would say “who needs to do this work, not me…who needs to devote this much time to facilitation, not me…who needs to set up this framework of a structure, not me…I want freedom!”

But freedom was coming MORE from doing The Work than NOT doing it.

I guess that’s why humans have set up spiritual practices for thousands of years. The structure paradoxically seems to offer some sense of freedom.

So I have found the turnarounds to be true, for all my stressful thoughts about commitment and joining into programs, or getting married, or saying “yes” and setting up structure and the like.

These turnarounds look like this:

  • I might change my mind part way through—yes, likely some part of my mind will DEFINITELY decide to change. This is actually good news, and why I’m signing up–ha!
  • I might hate it, once I’m “in”—Well, I sure hope so, because then I can be right up against my fears, objections, and awareness of how I want to run or fight rather than question my thinking (Byron Katie herself sets up some exercises to offer the opportunity to face your fears in her school). ALSO I might LOVE it once I’m in!
  • The other people (or one other person) might drive me bonkers—halleluia! I’ll have the perfect real and up close experience for truly doing The Work! And wow, the other person might drive me sane! The people I connect with in any program, or my life partner, may give me the gift of peace.
  • It will use up too much time—and what else was I going to do with that time? Get obsessive? Worry? Live in my story? Watch TV? Work? Is there a better way to spend my time?
  • It will cost too much money, emotional attention, energy—the money it costs will be a stake in the ground for my commitment to awakening and learning (and I can do The Work on Money if I’m freaked out), my emotional attention is already going to other people and disturbing situations so why not give it FULL attention, and yes, investigating your reality takes energy. That’s why it’s called The Work.
  • It won’t make me happier in the long run—oooh, what a great chance to see what I think happiness is, and see if I can find happiness in the present (you can). No program is necessary. We all have everything we need to access peace, right now.
  • I won’t find what I’m looking for!—My favorite. I get to see, by having this stressful belief, that I believe something needs to be found. That I’m looking. I may have the chance here to enjoy the search instead of feeling so frustrated by it. And maybe even give up the search! WOW!

“Some say that my teaching is nonsense. Others call it lofty but impractical. But to those who have looked inside themselves, this nonsense makes perfect sense. And to those who put it into practice, this loftiness has roots that go deep. I have just three things to teach: simplicity, patience, compassion. These three are your greatest treasures. Simple in actions and in thoughts, you return to the source of being. Patient with both friends and enemies, you accord with the way things are. Compassionate toward yourself, you reconcile all beings in the world.”~Tao Te Ching #67

Doing The Work is the practice of receiving the teachings of simplicity, patience and compassion.

You teach them to yourself, these great treasures.

For me, this path of questioning my mind is stunning. This is what I came here for: returning to the source of my being, living in accord with the way things are, and feeling reconciled towards all beings in my life.

For me, this is worth making a commitment to. An understatement.

Love, Grace

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Trauma Mirror, Mirror Therapy

Many inquiries for Breitenbush retreat, the One Year Inquiry program, and the upcoming June teleclasses! So excited to meet and be with all of you who are coming to in-person programs, including those of you flying thousands of miles to attend. I so LOVE that you are coming.

At Breitenbush, we will look deeply at our relationship to our own bodies, every part of it we don’t like or are worried about…and how this relationship expands out to our relationship with life, death and the universe.

Speaking of the body and difficult parts, I was reading recently of the phenomena of great pain in the body occurring long after a traumatic accident occurs.

I had to re-read the text, in this fascinating book entitled Mind Over Mind by Chris Berdik, to make sure I understood what was being said.

YES…people feel ongoing pain or itching or weird sensations that feel like its coming from parts of their body that are no longer there, or that no longer work.

Apparently, over time, many scientists and physicians and psychologists have tackled the problem of “phantom” pain.

Then a neuroscientist called Vilayanur Ramachandra created a process of making the mind “see” a pretend whole limb and voila, the pain or weird sensations subside for some people.

He calls it Mirror Therapy.

The way it works is that a mirror is held up to the whole, complete, un-lost or un-injured looking body part using a mirror. The mind sees a healthy, complete body part, where it was NOT perfect before, and the pain diminishes, or in some cases is gone.

They don’t really know why, they said in the book, and the results are not definitive….but as I read this, I considered self-inquiry on the body and the way a change in perception of what is can change the way we feel.

So what changed first when I did inquiry; my own mind and what it expected to see…or the actual body part I was looking at with disdain or upset?

Because regularly, throughout my life, I’ve had a few stressful thoughts about the body and what the eyes are seeing.

It happened again the other day, as a matter of fact.

I’m walking along the beach, happy as a clam, thinking about my friends, my clients, all the people I hear from on email, and the pretty weather, and the bulbous clouds, and hearing the sounds, and feeling the space of being on vacation and having no real plans…and then….

I glimpse at my reflection in the bungalow office window and immediately see nine things wrong with my image. And I could probably find more if I spent sixty more seconds thinking about it.

  1. tank top does not match skirt–where’s the color chart!
  2. feet are peeling and ugly and unfeminine, and these flip-flops are pretty ugly and worn out
  3. thighs should be thinner, stomach tighter
  4. jiggly butt, not firm enough, should be pure muscle
  5. hair color too orange, especially in this bright light…covering the gray is not exactly working “naturally”
  6. facial skin too wrinkled around the outer lips, like the cheeks are drooping to Texas
  7. same exact earrings since I left town…which by the way do not match the tank-top OR the skirt at all
  8. vein on left side of neck is huge, as usual since I first noticed it around age 19
  9. couple back on beach having wedding pictures taken, bride in pink and white, looked young, glorious and beautiful…those days are pretty much over for me

It used to be that these kinds of speedy images were very serious. I would then start in on solving these problems, or feel discouraged.

With a vengeance.

Time for Basic Training! Make a plan! Exercise More! CHANGE THE IMAGE IN THE MIRROR through doing stuff.

But since I’ve done The Work and questioned my thinking and very perception of this kind of stuff, and reading about this mirror therapy idea, I know the mind can change completely…the response to what it sees can change completely.

Eyes open, eyes closed, it doesn’t matter.

Who would we be if we didn’t believe the image truly meant something bad? What if we could allow the mind to look, and keep looking, and not turn away in horror or disappointment… but to let it wait and really look.

What if we just added a wee tad bit of an open-hearted, accepting attitude? Like we were listening to our best friend say how ugly she felt that morning, and we looked and saw only absolute beauty, even if yes, we agree that she has more wrinkles than she had twenty years ago.

Maybe we’d get used to this body and the images our mind apparently sees, and the feeling of being against what we see might subside.

What if you came from another planet and you didn’t know what a “perfect” body part was supposed to look like? What if you never learned about wrinkling skin being horrifying, or mis-matching apparel?

When I think about who I would be without the thought that any of those speedy quick images MEAN anything….wow. It would all be a big mumbo-jumbo potpourri of creative and changing pictures.

And the pictures would be fun, interesting, fascinating, intriguing, beautiful, ugly, and it wouldn’t matter…it’s just not that freakin’ serious, or real.

Then, you would be someone who lives without believing the thought that you need to change anything about your body in order to be deeply happy.

“It’s helpful to realize that this body that we have, this very body that’s sitting here right now on this shrine room floor……and this mind that we have at this very moment, are exactly what we need to be fully human, fully awake, and fully alive.”~Pema Chodron 

That means THIS body, with the big neck vein and the growing facial lines and jiggling areas….and the body that got cancer, is exactly what I need to be fully human, fully awake, and fully alive.

Turning it all around, I see the flash of images, in my head or in the mirror, and hold them all in my mind instead of brushing them aside and I LOOK….and everything that once seemed alarming now looks beautiful and sweet….or neutral.

Even the huge scar on my leg from removing a tumor.

So here’s an exercise for us all: try staring at something you think of as ugly or awful, and see what happens. Especially if you decide to bekind (hint: this is the turnaround)…you might be surprised.

You might see yourself as not so ugly….maybe gorgeous. Or at the very least, you will see what you are thinking about your appearance with clarity, and you can question it more completely.

Later, looking at myself in a mirror as I entered the bathroom to brush my teeth, I was startled to see how cute, attractive and appealing that image in the mirror looked.

What a cute smile! What an adorable person! That’s ME!

I guess, somehow, it’s what my mind expected so BOOM there it was…after questioning my thoughts of ugliness and decline.

If you’re ready to do inquiry, and do your mirror therapy, starting with this body you have, then come to Breitenbush. Last chance to register! We gather together in only one month!

Love, Grace

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No Effort Means Wispy, Passive, Jello-Brain…Right?

Do you ever worry about being too far gone, being a nut that’s just too hard to crack, that you won’t ever REALLY get it, or you won’t get there?

Gosh, I never think thoughts like that! (Not).

The other day I was considering the idea of life with no effort again…the whole concept of relaxing, waiting, being, accepting.

Sometimes, I must confess, it amazes me that it could even be possible to have a “good” life with no effort…I mean, really?

Aren’t we supposed to set goals, work very hard, push, use force, make demands, stand up for ourselves, and at least try to rise to the top?

YEAH! GO TEAM! ARRRRRR! (That’s roaring like a lion, or shaking your spear at the sky).

It feels like I might somehow turn into jello, or live a wasted life, if there is no force used, no effort.

Sometimes people say about questioning stressful thoughts that the process of inquiry could be strangely passive.

If I start loving what is, I may not care about anything, I’ll float around like a willow wisp smiling at everything I see.

But after doing The Work for a few years, I realized that when I really questioned my thinking…I had more access to reality than ever, including the times when something called for energy, action, movement.

In fact, sometimes these days I have strong, loud, passionate words and I speak them.

I feel more real, more alive, more vigorous.

Like I have a wider range of access to feelings, not like I’m fighting them or judging them or deciding I need to look any different.

Acceptance doesn’t necessarily look like all sweetness and pink light.

Sometimes it looks like “I am hanging up now, and please do not contact me again”. 

Sometimes acceptance looks like a person packing their bags and moving out, saying “no”, taking someone to the mental health emergency clinic, changing the airplane reservation.

Sometimes acceptance looks like “you cut me off, you told that lie, you hit me…so I am staying away from you so we both feel more peaceful and not so triggered.”

It is so much fun to be what you are, in this moment. Without trying to be spiritual or special or lovable.

One of my teachers, Stephen Bodian, told this zen story recently:

A student asked the master “it’s really hot in the monastery in the summer time, and in the winter it’s really cold…how do you DEAL with that?”

The master replied “go to a place where there is no cold and no hot.”

The student said “huh?” (I think it was more eloquent, but this is the Grace Bell regular dude version).

The master said something like “well…when you are extremely hot, be totally, agonizingly, completely brutally hot. And when you are extremely cold, be shivering, tight, bone-chilling cold…..you will simply move to take care of what you need to take care of, without arguing with reality. You will be in a place where there is no cold and no hot.”

If I just move towards what I move towards, then I am in the flow. I feel cold, I go get a blanket or I decide to leave that place, or I realize I’m actually fine and it’s no biggie.

I’m not all full of endless complaints about the temperature. I get it. It’s very efficient. I don’t start thinking about what should or shouldn’t be happening and plug into that for hours, days and weeks.

Loving what is has turned out to not be passive at all….it becomes more and more active the more I inquire.

And yet, no effort. At least a lot of the time. I forget and start moving into effort and force, when I think there’s no other way. When I get a little freaked out or scared.

And then I remember, let go. Open my hand up that is pushing with a tight closed fist and the mind that is thinking incessantly about all the ways it could “make” or force something to happen.

Today, how about letting things handle themselves? Who would I be without the thought that I need to deal, complain, make a better effort, or push?

I’d be oh so excited! Nothing to worry about! An observer, a watcher, in a really good, contented way. Not missing out.

Ready to play in this beautiful world! Here to breathe, be alive apparently (for now), and have fun.

“Wise men don’t need to prove their point; men who need to prove their point aren’t wise…… The Tao nourishes by not forcing. By not dominating, the Master leads.”~Tao Te Ching #81

If you find you could use some support around inquiry and Not Making An Effort when it comes to food, money or sex….then check out these three classes on these topics starting this summer. We inquire, question, investigate, and then sit back to see what happens. In my experience, it’s always good.

Much love, Grace

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Holy Moment No Matter What, When, Where

One of my favorite inquirers sent me a quote by Geneen Roth from her book Women, Food and God (which I highly recommend).

In the passage, Geneen writes that holiness is not in what we achieve or eat or weigh.

It reminded me of the sweet awareness that holiness is also not here in Bali, in some extra special way, or out there on a Hawaiian vacation, or in Mexico, or in Paris, or London, or Istanbul.

Holiness, or the awe of this world, can come upon you in a moment, in your mind.

You might be taking out the garbage, and then suddenly think about All This, and the strange, wild magic of it all.

That is a little moment of awe or holiness. It’s like you wake up from a trance…or a tendency to pop from one thought to another in a sort of speedy-zipping way, and you get a bigger view of everything.

So back to Geneen and her most important topic….food and eating.

As so many of you know, also my most important topic, or so it seemed, for many years. I say most important because it was a matter of life or death.

Starvation, limits, stuffing, emptiness, desperation, panic, doubt, determination….all these elements were present in my relationship with food and eating. It was in my mind constantly.

I would NOT have said it was holy. It seemed like anything BUT holy.

Food and how I felt about eating and my body was dark, terrible, full of anxiety, and totally twisted and confusing.

I was a total scaredy cat in my mind. This world was not holy, my body not holy, many people not holy, money not holy, my mind not holy, my work not holy, my thoughts not holy.

No wonder I was so freaked out so much of the time! Day to day life was a danger zone!

The way I viewed the universe quite a bit of the time, if you had asked me, was that it was profane, an abomination, unconsecrated…. all the opposites of holy.

And I was a part of the universe, of course.

But what if this moment, this next hour, is a holy one? No matter where you are, no matter what you’ve done, no matter what is going on around you?

What if it’s this way for some important reason…and you don’t even need to know what reason?

What if when it came to food and eating, that most important baseline wonderful topic, you imagined that just for a moment today (if that’s all you can do) or for the entire day, that you are an incredible holy entity that you have been gifted with caring for.

In this caring, you close your eyes and feel what this body needs, and with gratitude and perhaps awe, you cared for it like it is a most sacred visitor…like Jesus, or Rama, or your fairy godmother arrived to stay with you?

Don’t think about permanently changing your relationship with food and eating. Don’t think about losing twenty pounds, or dieting, or punishing yourself, or exercising, or healing.

This exercise in seeing what is holy around you is for now only, dropping all the plans for the future.

Dropping all thoughts that holiness will appear when you weigh, eat, or do something different.

If you begin to think of ways your life is not going well, or that you can’t do this exercise, then write them down—you can do The Work on these, they are like gold for your awareness.

Holiness is right here in this moment, not because the moment has wealth, happiness, money, or a perfect body in it…not because this moment is in Bali or someplace that looks pretty!

Anyone can do this exercise, it is for everybody. You could be sitting beside a road on a freeway in a pile of garbage. You don’t need any special information or to go somewhere or understand better.

“To acquire happiness you don’t have to do anything, because happiness cannot be acquired. Does anybody know why? Because we have it already. How can you acquire what you already have? Then why don’t you experience it? Because you’ve got to drop something. You’ve got to drop illusions. You don’t have to add anything in order to be happy; you’ve got to drop something. Life is easy, life is delightful.”~Anthony De Mello

Even right here, traveling, my whole entire diet is completely different than it is at home (so I think). But it turns out the humans eat here, and have plates and stores and gardens and stoves.

Once again, all I have to do is take care of this particular body, today, and un-learn and un-know whatever I think has to happen to make things holy around here.

Love,
Grace
P.S. I eat papaya, mango, banana, honeydew, watermelon, sticky rice and meat on a stick almost every meal, it seems. OMG where are the green vegetables? “I’m supposed to eat tons of raw green veggies every day.” IS IT TRUE?
P.P.S. If you’re ready to question your stressful thoughts about food and eating, we start an 8 week telecourse soon on this topic–check out the website www.workwithgrace.com

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Free Group Inquiry Scoop

Many people wrote to me recently (thank you all so much) and I am called to respond to one of the most common requests I’ve received: you would love a chance to do one trial teleclass with a small group without signing up for a big long course, or maybe even a 2 month course.

You want to try out group inquiry first!

Makes so much sense to me! I would want the exact same thing, some idea of what it might be like to do something to see if it would be a good fit for me.

So—I’m offering two live teleclasses on Monday, June 10th at both 8:15 am and 5:15 pm Pacific Time for 90 minutes.

Anyone can come join the call and participate, or just listen, and connect with like-minded inquirers to work through a stressful belief.

There is no fee for this.

Here are the instructions for joining the inquiry call. With phone, just dial the number and then enter the pin code.

If you are using skype from anywhere in the world, open your key pad and enter “joinconference” in the place you would put a phone number, call it, and you will be connected. Then locate the key pad again and enter in the six code number.

Title: Work With Grace Inquiry
Time: Monday, June 10th at 8:15am Pacific AND/OR 5:15 pm Pacific
Listening method: Phone or Skype
 Phone number: (206) 402-0100 or “join conference” with Skype
PIN Code: 305799#

If you like, bring to the call a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet already filled out on a very stressful situation you hold in your mind.

This can be a current stressful situation or one from the long-distant past that creates sadness, anger, upset, fear, worry, frustration or irritation.

Visualize the scene that is most troubling in that memory. See the person who is annoying or frightening to you. Remember what they said and did, then write short, simple sentences on your worksheet.

Whatever group assembles, we will move through inquiry together and question a painful belief.

You can just listen, or you can participate actively.

You can be on the call even if you don’t have a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

Your presence will be appreciated and just being there will make a difference for you and for the group.

This won’t be a call for sharing long stories or speaking about your stressful experiences in detail. This will be a call for the power of group inquiry together. My favorite!

Love, Grace

P.S. The One Year Program starts on Tuesday, June 11th and I will include more information about it very soon. Important to know is that YES, you can join only the teleclass portion of the program (no in-person retreats or solo sessions) AND you can make payments for the program in small chunks that work for you per month. Write and ask me about this.