The Work of Byron Katie – Page 61 – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

June 26, 2013

They Shouldn’t Be So Sad

One of my favorite quotes is by Ram Dass when he suggests that we can feel blissful on retreat, or in our daily lives and in our practices….but go home for a week and see what happens.

Depression, irritation, anger, sadness! Argh! I thought I was free from all this!

Forms of stress and troubling emotions can sometimes enter the scene within minutes of encountering that person we have lots of memories with, those people who disappointed us, or who are not living their lives as we might have hoped.

We know what that person is like, and it’s downright difficult to be around them!

Even as we knock on the door of their home, or call them, or answer the telephone….we may feel a clench in the gut…ready to brace against that mean, abrasive, complaining, disheartening, unhappy person.

I love when once I realized, that every time I thought about my grandma, who has been dead for almost twenty years now, I saw her face all pinched and angry, her cigarette that was constantly burning, her sad look.

She rarely spoke.

“She shouldn’t have been so sad”.

That is so sad that she was so sad! What a funny thought really…but one I believed since I was a child. Every time I thought of her, I felt a little sad myself.

I wanted to shake my head….oh the waste of a precious life. A hurt, unhappy person, never resolving her life, never finding peace.

I realize how stressful that thought was, throughout my childhood, watching my father (her son) believe the thought, watching him try to help her feel better.

Even now my mind will still make guesses for how much abuse she must have suffered (which I don’t know is true) or how much self-criticism. I never saw her smile!

My mind loves to analyze “now WHY would someone be so sad and quiet, and rarely get up from her chair”.

But as I watch the scenario in my mind, allowing myself to remember very clearly a moment when I saw my sad grandmother in her chair….I realize that I don’t know what is happening in that situation.

I’m not even entirely sure that she IS sad. But even if she is, why is that sad for me?

People around me should be happy. Not sad. IS THAT TRUE?

Yes! It’s so much more fun! It’s easier! I don’t have to think about them! No worries!

Can I absolutely know that it’s true, that people around me should be happy? That my grandma should have been happier in her life? Or that she wasn’t?

No.

The way I react when I see someone and think they are sad, and that this is a sad thing, is that I myself get sad and I want to help them. My throat gets achy, I reach out, I try to make them smile.

There’s all this effort moving towards that person, away from me. As Byron Katie would say, I am in that person’s business, and out of my own business. In other words, I am focused big time on them, not me. And I want them to change.

Whew, it’s a lot of work.

Who would I be without the thought that it’s sad when someone is sad? That people should be happy around me?

For a moment, it may feel heartless. What do you mean, NOT have that thought! I would be careless, disconnected, too detached, selfish, self-centered!

They would suffer even more, I would pay no attention, I wouldn’t CARE, they might even die!

Are you sure?

Turn the thought around: it is NOT sad when that person is sad. People should be sad around me, not happy, if that’s what they are. I myself should not be so sad when that other person I love is sad.

My grandma was just right, perfect the way she was. A human being with an entire life with huge parts in it that I had no idea about. Only a few small pictures in my mind of her really.

As I remember her, I realize that I don’t actually know if she WAS sad all the time in the first place. She lived a long, long life with tons of experiences, perhaps many of them very happy.

I’m not even sure that my dad was upset about my grandma being sad, really, or that it was a bad thing that he felt helpless and unhappy about her predicament.

I realize I know very little….I have simply assumed that the person over there with a sad look, or who is crying, must be consoled and assisted and comforted, or else.

“I’ve heard people say that they cling to their painful thoughts because they’re afraid that without them they wouldn’t be activists for peace. “If I feel peaceful,” they say, “why would I bother taking action at all?” My answer is “Because that’s what love does.” To think that we need sadness or outrage to motivate us to do what’s right is insane. As if the clearer and happier you get, the less kind you become. As if when someone finds freedom, she just sits around all day with drool running down her chin. My experience is the opposite. Love is action.” ~ Byron Katie

I love imagining living the turnaround that my clarity and happiness brings kindness, and the most easy wonderful, loving action with that sad person I know (who, by the way, I am not sure really IS sad anymore).

I don’t have to make special plans for that person, or worry about them, or anxiously hope for their mood to change. I will know what to do, with love.

You will too.

Love, Grace

June 22, 2013

When You Make Demands You Suffer

I once worked years ago with a woman on a project whose voice really bothered me.

I would hear her speaking to another person, or addressing a meeting where I was present, or talking on her phone, and inside feel like the sound of her voice was like fingers on a chalk board.

Such a squeaky, false, high-pitched, minnie-mouse, fake-syrup voice! Arggh! How can anyone STAND IT! I’m gonna kill myself if I have to listen one more second!

Quite recently, I met someone who had the very same kind of voice. I had a little jolt inside..”oh no, not THAT kind of voice”.

I had to laugh.

Even in that small, tiny moment, encountering someone I might never speak to again, I wanted to NOT hear what I was hearing.

I was against that sound.

That constriction inside the mind or gut that says “no” offers a most amazing opportunity for awareness.

This is what questioning your thinking is all about, really.

Questioning what hurts, what feels uncomfortable, annoying, smelly, disturbing, and IRRITATING AS HELL….and finding out what is going on, what you really think is bad about that thing.

So having the reminder of the woman’s voice from long ago, I went back in time and asked myself what did I believe was wrong with that voice?

she’s trying to over-compliment people for personal gain
she’s pretending enthusiasm, happiness, cuteness
she complains a lot, so she is needy for attention
she could burn me, betray me or others
something about her is not genuine, she’s a fake!

I realized once I got into it, that I was believing a whole humongous amount of beliefs that I had absolutely NO idea if they were true.

And what was the danger of her being a fake, or pretending, or winning peoples’ favor?

She might hurt me, when I didn’t expect it.

I was scared about getting stabbed in the back. It had happened before. With someone who looked all sweet and kind, complimentary and inviting on the outside.

Ouch. I suddenly realized that I thought people shouldn’t lie, and people shouldn’t surprise other people (er, that would be ME) with anger, or pain or jealousy or opinions.

Even though I had a small level of stress about a VOICE and what the tone was like….there was a demand present, as there always is when I say “should” or “shouldn’t”.

“I demand you be different than you are.”

This can be just a little bit different, or a LOT different. Doesn’t matter.

So was it really, really true that this woman should be different than she was being? Should her voice really change, so that I could be happier (and trust her more)?

Should she, or anyone else, never do that thing that I call getting surprised, hurt, accused, criticized, snubbed, attacked, pushed away?

No. I can’t know that it’s true.

Am I sure that I was hurt? Am I positive those people who do something surprising should be different than they are, for my sake?

You might say “yes, yes, yes”! You might feel wretchedly hurt by someone. You might have the scars to prove it.

Keep going with your inquiry anyway.

Notice how you react when you believe the thought “that person should be different” whether in the past or the present, or in the future.

It sucks. It’s so painful. You can’t stop thinking about them and wondering what you did wrong and perhaps becoming furious all over again, or very sad.

Who would you be without the thought that they should be different? Ever?

It’s an amazing question.

“…when someone criticizes you, blames you, or calls you names, instead of immediately retaliating or defending yourself—do nothing. Allow the self-image to remain diminished and become alert to what that feels like deep inside you. For a few seconds, it may feel uncomfortable, as if you had shrunk in size. Then you may sense an inner spaciousness that feels intensely alive. You haven’t been diminished at all. In fact, you’ve expanded.” ~Eckhart Tolle

What if that person is supposed to be exactly as they are, or were, in that very moment? This does not mean that what they did was right, or wonderful.

It just means that it’s not about you. They are living their life, being themselves with all their experiences and their beliefs and ways of thinking, and it’s not in your control to have them change.

What is in your control is stepping out of the way, and relaxing, and taking care of yourself, and noticing what’s actually true.

Not demanding that they change so you can feel happier, at peace, or calm.

“The Work reveals that what you think shouldn’t have happened should have happened. It should happened because it did, and no thinking in the world can change it. This doesn’t mean that you condone it or approve of it. It just means that you can see things without resistance and without the confusion of your inner struggle. No one wants their children to get sick, no one wants to be in a car accident; but when these things happen, how can it be helpful to mentally argue with them? We know better than to do that, yet we do it, because we don’t know how to stop.” ~ Byron Katie

The turnarounds for me: I should not be how I am, especially when it comes to how I think about that person’s plastic voice!

I should not be so nervous, worried about being “tricked” again, worried about being lied to or accused falsely.

I myself have been over-complimentary, inauthentic, and a fake, by hiding my true feelings!

I myself have pretended I was happy, when I wasn’t!

That person should be exactly as they are!

Her voice helps me let go, reminds me to relax, to not take things so seriously, that I do not really have a handle on what is or is not true, or dangerous, or in my control in this situation.

I also notice that any time I’ve ever been criticized, or accused, or pushed away, I have been absolutely OK.

In fact, I must admit, I have come out better in the end every timethan before I got surprised, or tricked, or confronted, or attacked or called names.

“Failure is an opportunity. If you blame someone else, there is no end to the blame. Therefore the Master fulfills her own obligations and corrects her own mistakes. She does what she need to do and demands nothing of others.” ~ Tao Te Ching #79

Much Love, Grace

June 20, 2013

There Is Nothing Wrong With You

The other day I was watching a short teaching video on my computer as I tried to figure out a technical step on my website.

The man had a super crazy thick New York accent, funny jokes, and was overall pretty entertaining. But I didn’t know how to solve my technical problem when the video was over!

It made me think about the instant moment of taking in someone’s personality. We all do it every day.

One person, very quiet and soft-spoken. One person boisterous and loud. Tid-bits of information about where that person is from, what their culture is like.

The mind, that information-gathering machine, will start commenting on peoples’ personalities immediately.

he is so kind
she is very needy
these people don’t think for themselves
that man is really angry
her mother talks only about herself, non-stop
those kids are very rebellious
that person will never stop suffering

Little assessments happening, all day long, about other people.

Many of us conclude very fast who we like and who we don’t like, what kinds of personalities are appealing, which ones not so much.

And we do this constant-commenting thing about ourselves as well…noticing what we’re like, how we behave, what we say, how we respond to all these people we run into.

One of my most favorite things (well….sometimes it feels a little scary) has been opening up to what other people say about MY personality.

Even asking them for feedback.

“I would really love to know, what works and what doesn’t work about the way I respond to you, the way I come across to you? I want to hear your true thoughts.”

WOW.

As I’ve gotten more and more comfortable with this question, and hearing peoples’ answers, I get really honest, amazing feedback.

A bunch of it is complimentary. This is beautiful to take in, of course.

But you may have noticed…the mind gets anxious about the stuff that is NOT so complimentary.

So that’s what I’m talking about today.

Here are a few things I’ve heard where I noticed a little fear arise, what people have said to me:

you should interrupt other people and stop them from talking so long when you’re facilitating a group
you don’t talk enough about yourself
you do too much cheerleading
you’re too passive
I need you to make a difference for me in one session with you (and you didn’t)
I didn’t understand your class
you don’t have enough time for me
you are not being collaborative, we have very different personalities
I don’t believe you

OMG! The mind will take off faster than a speeding bullet!

I need to change! How could this error have happened! They perceive me as imperfect! What can I do to fix this “problem”?!

HONK!!! (that’s the buzzer going off, TIME OUT!)

There is only fear or resistance in the mind that believes in being perfect, having no flaws……the mind that believes that being liked or approved of is important.

Once again, it’s like there’s a core underlying belief that got established somewhere, somehow (and it doesn’t matter where) that wants to be loved….whatever that means.

“I need to be seen as helpful, useful, worthy, loving, kind, likable, strong, successful, aware, enlightened, clear, supportive…”

The thing is, if these thoughts screams out from the rafters above all the other critical thoughts, you won’t ever get to really look at the so-called critical ones.

That list of criticisms might be VERY, VERY interesting to investigate.

“I love receiving what the world calls criticism. It’s a very, very fast way to know yourself, just in case you don’t—-the world does! So if you’re a true seeker, open your mind to criticism….could they be right? Because until we realize what our enemy realizes about us, no change is possible. How can I change when I deny? It’s not possible.” ~ Byron Katie

When I hear what someone else tells me, and relax, I am not as frightened of their minds as I have been of my own mind.

I do not take it all so seriously.

Who would I be without the thought that people need to find me helpful, lovable, entertaining, important, effective?

I’d hear what they have to say with excitement, fascination, even joy.

I’d have the feeling inside “could they be right?” And I would look, watching with wonder, open to the awareness.

Without the thought that criticism is bad to receive, I trust the universe, I let go of trying to control anything or anyone and their opinion of me…

…I notice how thrilling this all is, and how all is well.

“There is nothing wrong with you.” ~ Cheri Huber

I start at the top of the list of feedback I have received. I take this to inquiry. I investigate. I find out what I have believed it means about me. My mind opens.

Thank you, everyone, who speaks their truth. Thank you everyone who comes, everyone who goes.

“And when you begin to feel this joy, that’s when you’ll know God’s nature. Then nobody will upset or disappoint you. Nothing will create a problem. It will all appear as part of the beautiful dance of creation unfolding before you.” ~ Michael Singer

Much Love, Grace

June 19, 2013

Stepping Backwards When A Relationship Ends

When I was traveling half way around the world recently with my beloved partner, after almost three weeks of 24/7 time together….at one point I thought suddenly “it’s easier to be single”.

So many advantages, for an introvert like me. Although I couldn’t believe the thought for more than 15 seconds.

But there was a flash, a vision of the benefits, all in an instant. Quiet, silence, space, no deciding what we’re doing next, no talking….fortunately, all I needed to do was to say “could we have no talking?” and my husband lovingly agreed.

And it was really hilarious that I even jumped to that thought in the first place, because I used to think the opposite: “it’s better to be partnered.”

The belief that it’s better to be in partnership, dating, have a girlfriend or boyfriend is really common. And often stressful.

“I can’t get what I really want, need, desire, enjoy…unless I have a partner”.

Many people are single when they say or think this thought. At least, I said it when I myself was single.

I would be having a wonderful time, and then have the thought “this would be BETTER if I had a partner here with me!”

Now, I’m not saying that being married to the amazing and sweet man I am married to is difficult. It is, in fact, the easiest, most kind, loving, simple relationship I’ve ever known.

But I swear….it seems like this current relationship appeared when I came to stand in a place where I really did not care if I ever got married again. Or care if I ever lived with anyone again. Or care if I was “in a relationship” again.

I did The Work a LOT on relationships….especially after my first marriage of 15 years ended.

Fortunately, I had The Work.

Fortunately, I stopped “trying” to go get something different. I stopped trying to move forward into that new state of relationship that would be better.

I stopped, and questioned my thinking.

When a relationship “ends” (we’ll talk about what that means in a minute) then it is very common for human beings to feel a great variety of feelings…feelings that HURT!!

I was not only hurting, I felt physically sick. I could not sleep well, I had a low-level anxiety running at all times, and my future looked bleak.

I thought that “ending” meant a lot of things. BAD THINGS.

My thoughts about myself were the most excruciating. They went something like this:

I am worthy of being broken up with
if I was good enough, this wouldn’t be happening
I can’t make it financially on my own
I can’t handle house repairs or car repairs by myself
My life will never be the same, it is over
I will never risk being this hurt again
The rest of my life, I will be lonely
I need someone else to pow-wow with, to converse with, to be intimate with emotionally and physically

As I looked at the beliefs and the whole system of thinking about Relationships: The Pros and The Cons.…I realized that many of the primary core beliefs broke apart and didn’t even make sense once I began to investigate them.

Could I really know that it was true, that this relationship “ending” meant that I wasn’t good enough? That if someone was breaking up with me, it meant BAD THINGS about me?

Could I really know that I couldn’t make it financially on my own? Or handle daily life tasks?

Was it really true that my life changing drastically was a TERRIBLE thing?

Was I really, really, really as hurt as I thought I was? Or lonely?

Was I SURE I could only get the intimacy I craved from a primary relationship?

No! I had no idea, really, that what was happening was a dreadful, horrible, terrible thing.

When I believed that it was a bad thing….life was rough. I was scared, confused, closed, nervous, and unhappy. I wasn’t interested in other people, or I was TOO interested in people who actually did NOT REALLY interest me. A knot of tension and dishonesty.

And then I asked the amazing question….“who would I be without the thought that breaking up or ending a relationship is a bad thing”?

What if it was a good thing?

“How do I know I don’t need a boyfriend? Simple: I don’t have one. ” ~ Byron Katie

Ending an important relationship brings so much opportunity to question stress and pain…I found the turnarounds to be amazingly true.

A relationship ending could give you the opportunity to enjoy your own company, to enjoy yourself as worthy, to notice how you are good enough, to make it financially on your own, to handle house and car repairs yourself, to notice life was already not ever going to be the same (always changing), to laugh, to see how intimate you can be with anyone, in every way.

I mean, you could ROCK, without needing anyone!

And here’s the funniest thing of all: the relationship didn’t actually “end”.

There is communication, conversation, ideas, response, memories, laughing….they continue.

Even my father, who is long gone, I can remember, think about, talk to…it did not “end”.

“The forward step is always moving ahead, always trying to attain what you want, whether it’s a material possession or inner peace. The forward step is very familiar: seeking and more seeking, striving and more striving, always looking for peace, always looking for happiness, looking for love. To take the backward step means to just turn around, reverse the whole process of looking for satisfaction on the outside, and look at precisely the place where you are standing. See if what you are looking for isn’t already present in your experience.” ~ Adyashanti

I say, question your thinking, change everything you know about relationships.

It’s worth it.

And if I can do it….lordy…you can do it too.

Much Love, Grace

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June 18, 2013

Needing Love

Every so often, I think of the movie Castaway starring Tom Hanks.

If you haven’t seen it, it’s about a man who is in a cargo plane crash (almost no people, just fed ex packages on board). He lands on a tiny tropical island awash with fed ex boxes and letters, but no people.

He lives there for four years before being rescued.

Can you imagine finding yourself on a tiny island, no inhabitants except you, yourself and I?

Many monks would do this on purpose in caves or in monasteries, spending time with only themselves, no one else. Just their own minds.

One of the deepest questions that appears to come forward in this aloneness, in feeling separate or empty or far away (like on an island) is lack of loving contact….whatever that looks like.

“I need love”.

It seems like it’s at the core of so many situations……as a very stressful belief.

The belief system all related to “I need love” looks like this:

Something happens, someone says something, someone gives you a look, someone makes a gesture…and there is a worry, a fear, a terror of being alone, being cut off, being bereft, falling, becoming nothing, feeling meaningless, being unworthy….

*my partner left me…I need his love
*she gave me an irritated look…I need her love
*my house burned down….I need other peoples’ love
*he said he hates my dress…I need him to like it
*she broke up with me…I need her attention
*my boss criticized my work…I need his appreciation
*my daughter is angry because I said no…I need her love
*my father raged at all the kids…we needed his approval
*my mother couldn’t stop criticizing…I needed her love
*I am suffering, sad, disappointed, angry, frightened…I need God’s love
*I have cancer….I need love
*I need more money…I need more self-love

I need his love, her love, their love, our love, your love, God’s love, and my own love!

When this feels absolutely true, that love in some form or another is missing, then yes, it’s sad. It’s terrible for some. Heart-breaking, desperate, clinging, awful.

And the mind just knows there is a solution: get love!

If only I was rescued from this desert island in the middle of the ocean, things would begin looking up!!!

If only I was filled with ecstasy, bliss and joy every second of every minute of every hour THEN I would be TRULY happy!

But I love questioning this thought that I need love, ever.

Is it true?

YES OH YES, OMG let me play the violin and sing the song, and tell you of my story.

I make fun of myself in all this….believe me, it’s not like I’m cured of thinking ever that I need love. Ha!

But can I absolutely know that I need it? Or that I have to do something about needing it? Or manage it or make plans or work out strategies to cope with needing it?

I know that the way I react when I believe the thought “I need love” in whatever tiny little way that shows up, is that I am careful. I don’t feel free. I worry. I freak out. I cry. I panic. I hunt for relief.

Who would I really be without that thought? Goodness, it’s almost hard to imagine.

At first, I wait. It’s an empty feeling without the thought “I need love”. It’s very quiet. Nothing really to do or say. Nowhere to go. Observing.

It can feel uncaring. Yet free. Liberating.

Who would you be, walking down the street today, without the thought that you need love?

It makes me break out in laughter! I start to notice things more freshly around me somehow, or not notice. It’s so open, so relaxed. It’s like the way teenagers say WHATEVER!

There’s something very funny about this. In fact, there’s something hysterical about the drama of thinking about all those times I thought I needed love.

All those times when I have been so grabby and nervous, so trying to calm down, or make an effort, or work hard, or be nice, or be healthy, or do the right thing…whatever those are.

“The truth of your being doesn’t crave happiness; it could actually care less. It doesn’t crave love, not because you are so full of love, but because it just doesn’t crave love. It’s very simple. It doesn’t seek to be known, regarded highly, or understood. When you’re living what you are in an awakened way, there’s no ideal for you anymore. You’ve stepped off the entire cycle of suffering, of becoming; you’re not interested.” ~ Adyashanti

The turnaround: I do not need love.

Doesn’t that sound exciting? Right in the middle of the situation where you thought you needed it most? Could that be truer that you do not, in fact, need any more love than you already have? Not one drop more of attention, approval, appreciation? From anyone, or anything?

Even if you’re on an island, or in a monastery, or all alone in your house, or someone just said something unpleasant, or you learned something troubling?

YES! WOW!

“If I had a prayer, it would be this: ‘God, spare me from the desire for love, approval, or appreciation. Amen.'” ~ Byron Katie

Much Love, Grace

June 15, 2013

Cell Phone Sets Mind Off

It’s funny how the tiniest thought can produce just a wee bit ‘o stress“my cell phone should not have run out of battery power”.

I knew it wasn’t a matter of life or death…CLEARLY.

But still.

I told someone I would call them back 5 minutes ago. I will now be quite late. They will be waiting for me.

And what if my children are trying to text me RIGHT NOW?

Yeah, now that I think about it…I want to text my husband, and my good friend who texted me earlier. But I can’t! This is annoying!

And that person is waiting….they might even be getting upset. Dang! I hate my new phone! My old phone had a better battery!

Jeez, what kind of company would make a phone that drains out of battery power so quickly?

How did I overlook the battery level being so low? I don’t remember using the phone that much…did I do something?

Is there something else I haven’t learned yet about this phone, something that inadvertently uses up all the battery power?

Probably, it’s so complicated! I don’t even understand all the features. There are too many of them! I just want a simple phone!

Getting this phone was a big mistake!!!!

That’s how the mind runs sometimes. It’s like it’s flitting from idea to idea, figuring out the source of the problem.

Digging down into a deeper, more intense, more theatrical belief.

Have you ever looked at your beloved partner and through the same process of disgruntled stressful thinking…..gone from being upset that he doesn’t wipe the mud off his shoes, to concluding that this relationship is doomed?

Or maybe you had a flat tire, or took longer than expected in the store, or you got stuck in heavy traffic, or you cut your finger, or you couldn’t sleep, or you received some news in the mail….and your heart jumps, you experience a little worrisome image, your mind thinks this could be serious.

Not just serious….dire. Dreadful. Tragic.

For a long time, I carried in my wallet a cartoon drawing that reminded me of the Drama Queen Mind.

It was a one-frame square cartoon image. A man was standing, opening his mail. The only written word in the drawing was a bubble coming out of an envelope he was holding as he ripped one end of the envelope open….“tear”.

In the background, his dog was going berserk. The drawing captured this dog going completely ballistic, and the man turning quizically towards the dog, as if wondering what the heck was the problem?

Beneath the frame was the caption “As usual, violent behavior sets the dog off.”

As usual, a major freakin’ emergency sets the mind off (cell phone ran out of battery, what else).

Fortunately, that all happens so fast, that with inquiry….without taking it seriously….a few more minutes go by and I am chuckling about the phone, and I notice all is incredibly well. Later the person I was calling back didn’t seem to notice how late I was.

But don’t berate or be upset with yourself if you react more drastically. It sometimes is the way of it.

Then you’ll know to question whether what you’re thinking is an emergency is actually true? And you may discover quite quickly that it’s not.

And then maybe when a true actual emergency comes along…that won’t feel so much like one, either.

“So, how do you get back to heaven? To begin with, just notice the thoughts that take you away from it. You don’t have to believe everything your thoughts tell you. Just become familiar with the particular thoughts you use to deprive yourself of happiness. It may seem strange at first to get to know yourself in this way, but becoming familiar with your stressful thoughts will show you the way home to everything you need.” ~ Byron Katie

Much Love, Grace

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June 14, 2013

It’s OK To Ask For Money

It was a dark, damp, bleak January morning. My mortgage was due in 2 days for the little cottage where I had lived for 15 months. I had exactly 64 dollars in my bank account. The mortgage was $2,130.

Five months earlier, I could see this day coming. Even though I hated to, at that time, I had put my cottage up for sale. I only had enough money at that time to last about five more months.

To last until now.

Five months earlier, I did The Work on my deep grief and terror at having little time left to turn my life around financially. I was living off my savings, and my savings were draining. I was sinking as fast as the Titanic.

I had borrowed money from family, I had sold everything I could sell, I had done part-time manual work for cash. I had become willing and applied for a job at Starbucks. I had done a temp job at a hospital.

I knew if I purchased absolutely nothing but the basic necessities; food, heat, electricity and my house mortgage, I would be out of money by January.

My kids became eligible for Free Lunch at school.

I started working at a dance twice a week, trading my help for free entrance. I found out the school had special services for clothes, back packs and other items for my kids for school, based on my enormous drop in income.

A friend suggested I apply for food stamps. I refused….and later started to cry while thinking about it.

I could hardly believe I was eligible for food stamps. But I was.

Five months earlier, I had come to the conclusion, after doing The Work and questioning my long-held beliefs about failure, success, work and money, that I could sell my house.

It felt so, so sad. But I didn’t know that for sure. It looked like the most practical step, the necessary step. It was the worst that could happen, and I questioned that Worst Thing and found, maybe it would actually be OK.

I would go live with my mom. I had put my house up for sale.

The selling price was less than what I had paid for it with my former husband when we were still married, only two years before. It was now worth less, and I might barely make enough on the sale to cover the original loan.

I knew when I put my house for sale that I would make no profit, but at least I would be out of debt, and free and clear of the obligation. And I wouldn’t owe anymore.

I would prevent total and complete financial disaster.

I thought, by putting my house up for sale (which I did not want to do) that I would avoid THAT MOMENT.

But here was that moment. This terrible January morning when I had 2 days to pay my mortgage, and only $64.

As it had turned out, over the past five months, quite a few people had made offers to purchase my cottage. For very low prices.

The market was plummeting downward. “Sorry, but we need to offer you fifty thousand dollars less than what you even owe on the property….You will foreclose even after you sell, because you’ll still have a loan to pay off!”

All during this time of house-selling and keeping the cottage in pristine order so people could come look at it, I was also applying for jobs frantically. I went to many interviews. I was a job-interviewing expert.

As I sat there looking at the mortgage bill and knowing, I had no money to pay it, I had the thought that there was only one way I had not received money yet, that would be acceptable to my integrity.

A gift. Winning the lottery. Something weird and unexpected.

“I cannot ask for a gift of money”.

Too shameful, humiliating, embarrassing. I would never do that, I couldn’t…

I sat and did The Work on this concept. Is it true, that I can’t ask for money? Who would I ask anyway?

What would people think? It made me feel sick to my stomach.

I cannot ask for a gift of money.

Is that true?

No. I CAN ask for a gift of money. But the embarrassment….so demeaning, so low.

Are you sure? Are you sure that you can’t ask….for fear of rejection, horror, people turning away, people being uncomfortable?

Yes. My answer is yes. I can’t ask. It is absolutely true.

I had never asked for a gift of money my entire life, not that I remembered. Never. I had always, it seemed, believed this.

When other people asked for money, I thought they were really reducing themselves to the lowest level. They were at rock bottom. They were a mess.

Who would I be without the thought “I cannot ask for a gift of money”?

I’d probably ask right now. If there was any time that was the right time, knowing that I have done everything I possibly could, sold all my assets, looked for a job or income with all my might, and become willing to sell my home…this was probably the time.

The turnaround: I can ask for a gift of money.

I couldn’t find examples. I felt stuck. I did not know when someone, including ME, could ask for money and feel OK about it. I had no examples.

That night, the man I had begun dating about six months earlier took me to the movies. He knew I was bad off financially, but not how bad.

We saw “Cinderella Man” starring Russell Crowe.

Right in the movie was an example for “I can ask for a gift of money”.

The main character swallowed his pride, took off his hat, knowing he had to do it to feed his own children, and went around a room full of distinguished looking businessmen, holding out his hat for donations.

I sobbed.

I told my new boyfriend about doing The Work on money, and the truth of my financial situation.

I told him that I still couldn’t actually ask for a gift of money….but at least I was open to the possibility that there are some situations when its OK, when it is done in integrity.

I was late for that January mortgage payment. Late payment #1. On the way to foreclosure. Only two more months of late payments, and the bank would reclaim my house.

But something also felt possible, not as closed off….like the awareness that in this world, money comes and goes and flows in and out and really, all would be well.

I loved seeing that turnaround appear before me in that movie. So beautiful.

Two weeks later, I drove (deciding to use the gas in the tank of my car) to the dance where I had been volunteering my work in exchange for free entrance for the past six months.

Now, I had $11 left in my bank account. I had a credit card I had been using for groceries, almost maxed out to the limit.

At the end of the dance, after helping put away tables and clean up and sweep the dance floor, and vaccuum….the woman who runs the dance (who had become a dear friend), and my new boyfriend beckoned me over, where there appeared to be a lot of people hovering…longer than usual at the end of the dance when people usually linger.

People hushed each other and were murmuring. Someone said “this is it! Quiet!….for Grace….”

Someone pulled me into the center of a circle that was forming, right in the middle of the dance floor.

“Grace, we’d like to present you with a gift. We heard of your situation, and we also heard it’s your birthday, and we took up a donation….”

I opened the thick bursting envelope….Tears welled up in my eyes. I could hardly speak.

Bills of cash from people right there in the dance community, checks from family who lived far away, checks and cash from friends in other countries, friends who didn’t live anywhere near me…donations from people who saw me at dance but weren’t even sure what my name was.

My boyfriend had extended the donation, put out the request to the universe, sent out emails….no expectations.

He called it the Birthday Bucket.

The next day, I paid my late mortgage. Two weeks later I got a job, and I paid the next month’s mortgage.

I’ve never needed to ask for any money since.

It’s OK to ask for money.

“Once you can think clearly, without the stress of your painful thoughts, the whole world, in all of its unlimited abundance and glory, will open up for you. A fearful mind is limited; it can see only a very few options. A clear mind can see many more options–unlimited options. It can act efficiently, effortlessly, intelligently, in the present moment, and not be stuck in its deadly stories of past and future.” ~ Byron Katie

Much Love, Grace

June 13, 2013

There’s Not Enough Time

August 10th Seattle: Mini Retreat 1:30 – 5:30 pm. A brief intro and plunge right in to The Work of Byron Katie. Start from scratch with beginner’s mind. End with new insight through investigation on any stressful situation you’ve ever encountered (you pick which one). Mental health professionals can earn 4 CEUs.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch (picture tumbleweeds blowing across the wide open plains…the inner mind).

I noticed an old familiar tumbleweed this morning: I need more time!

Holy Moly this thought can be frustrating and definitely stressful.

I love investigating this thought, though, instead of just believing it and reacting to life with it totally entrenched in the mind.

What do I need more time for? Why do I need more time?

Well, GOSH! Of course I need to complete all the following items…yesterday:

I need to check and respond to emails
I need to read my class materials
I need to sit down and watch my training videos
I need to finish that book
I need to go to the library
I need to learn how to make a video
I need 75 minutes at the gym
I need to make those 4 phone calls
I need to buy those items at the Rite Aid
I need to finish my book on recovering from eating issues
I need to schedule my fall classes
I need to organize my calendar, my desk, my to-do list, my retreat plans, my hand-outs, my grocery store list, my bank statements, my bills….

It can go on and on.

And why do I actually need to do these things?

Because, because…I need to do them to succeed, to improve my life experience, to make more money, to avoid feeling needy in the future, to produce something meaningful, to feel happy and peaceful, to avoid forgetting about someone or something, to make sure my kids are safe and secure, to keep my health excellent, to gain knowledge, to rock the casbah.

It is truly incredible to enter the world of self-inquiry around all these kinds of things…the things we are apparently needing to do in order to be successful, healthy, happy and accomplished.

The list is endless! I could add so much more!

But do I really need to do that thing I think I need to do? Is it absolutely critical that I respond, call, email, schedule, buy, get, organize, finish that thing?

Sometimes people get really worried about who they would be without the thought “I need to do that.”

I might lie like a slug on the couch and waste my life away. I might never finish my book. I might never do anything of true value. I might have no purpose. I might not earn any money, I might never go to work, or go to the store. I’d be apathetic, lazy, boring, slow.

It would be depressing. I’d be a failure!

I can’t give up that thought! Even if it’s stressful!

Are you sure? Are you sure you’d be “wasting” time if you did nothing? Are you sure whatever you’re doing is “nothing”?

Are you sure that you’d even WANT to do “nothing” if you didn’t have the thought “I need to do something”?

Perhaps, like me, you can discover that without the belief that you have to do something, you actually find out that you LIKE doing some things, even things on your list.

Such as going to the gym.

I love my gym! So fun! (Except for when they replay the Van Halen Classics channel over and over…)

But it’s NOT wrong if you don’t like it, at all, its the way of it.

As I question “I need more time” over and over again (when it becomes stressful) I discover without the thought….I am here in this moment, with a mind that’s having fun thinking about stuff that can get accomplished, and I’m really not taking it all seriously.

There goes that Crazy Mind! With all it’s Crazy Ideas!

For some weird reason, even though I believe I’ve never eaten it, the ad for Trix Cereal comes into my mind sometimes from American TV when I was a kid. (Silly Wabbit, Trix Are For Kids!)

Silly Mind! Tricks Are For Kids!

Not taking the mind’s TO-DO list very seriously. That to-do accomplishment list is such a sneaky trick!

Making me think I need more time! Ha!

Turning it around, I do not actually need more time. I don’t need to “work” at all this.

My heart is beating, my lungs are breathing, my body is going from young to old on just the right trajectory.

Without my help.

There are enough hours and minutes in every day.

The quantity of time here on the planet is enough, from birth to death, from sun up to sun down, from point A to point B.

What if I simply lived that turnaround, instead of believing in Not Enough Time?

What would I be like if I walked around today, going about my business, in the grocery store, getting up in the morning, talking with my family…always believing that there is plenty of time?

Oooh boy, doesn’t that sound exciting?

Suddenly, here in this moment now, I feel very satisfied, trusting of the universe and the enough-ness of it all….being here, right now.

“Time isn’t precious at all, because it is an illusion. What you perceive as precious is not time but the one point that is out of time: the Now. That is precious indeed. The more you are focused on time–past and future–the more you miss the Now, the most precious thing there is.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Much Love, Grace

P.S. Money class starts July 11th now (not tomorrow). Join us!

Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, July 11 – August 29, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 12 – August 30, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays, 6/15, 8/10, 9/7, 10/12, 11/30, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate. Click here to register for mini-retreats:
Loving Your Body Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.

June 10, 2013

Afternoon Announcement 2rd Group Inquiry Call Today

I don’t usually ever send two emails in one day, but wanted to let you all know, in case you want to attend the second free group call, that anyone is welcome and we’ll start in a couple of hours 5:15 pm – 6:45 pm Pacific Time.

And, if you would be so kind as to complete this anonymous survey, if you attended the first call OR if you attend the second, it will help me improve and make future group calls really wonderful:

Take the Survey here (only 4 questions)

I was SO EXCITED about the first Group Inquiry phone call that happened earlier!

Of course, since it was a first-time group live open call, there were a few small technical glitches. Or maybe they were big!

1) I muted myself accidentally for about 3 minutes. That probably sounded pretty goofy—total and complete silence.

Most of you didn’t even hang up during that silent phase, which was awesome.

2) only the first 25 people to call could get “in”. That will be the case for the second group today as well. There is a cap on the total spots available, it turns out!

So, I guess the early bird gets the worm! If you want to just listen, but come on live, that’s OK, but you’ll still need to come on board early if you want a spot.

And, if you missed the phone call today, here is the recording below. (Note: there are more than 3 minutes of silence….kind of like Watergate, I’m hoping you don’t notice). Ha!

Click HERE to listen to the morning Group Inquiry With Grace call

But I was so excited to do The Work with those of you who came! Thank you so very much for your participation, vulnerability and beautiful honesty. Even just listening is a gift of energy to the pool!

So let’s do The Work together AGAIN! 5:15 Pacific Time!

Here’s how to dial-in:

Phone: 206-402-0100 Code: 305799#

Skype: enter “joinconference” into the dialing keypad (or your address book). Call “joinconference” then locate the keypad again and enter the code 305799#

Or listen only via your computer:

5:15 class 6/10— http://InstantTeleseminar.com/?eventID=41960172

We’ll do The Work again on a common, underlying stressful belief.

You will have the opportunity to quietly sit at the beginning and consider a stressful situation, contemplating it in your mind, and then picking a painful, troubling, or confusing belief about that situation.

Then together, we’ll move into inquiry on one of the concepts that someone finds that they have been thinking about their difficult situation. Something that creates stress inside when they think it!

It may be one of your concepts!

And even if it’s not…as Byron Katie says “there are no new thoughts”.

Whatever we inquire into, you may be easily able to find where you yourself have believed that thought.

This process known as The Work is so simple, anyone can do it. Come see what its like to question a stressful thought with a group, and open to new possibilities.

Much love, Grace

P.S. If you attend either one of the calls today, I want your feedback! Absolutely anything you might advise, what did not work, what you would like to see happen that would work better, what you need or want, what you would like to hear more of, or less of, anything annoying, anything worrisome. I am here to serve you and help you investigate your thoughts! Here again is the link. Your words are valuable to me (and to the greater community of inquirers):

Click here to take the survey

June 10, 2013

Free Group Inquiry Telecall Today

Let’s do The Work together!

My first free telecall is almost here—and I’m offering this at two times so you can hopefully join us, depending on your time zone.

Monday, June 10th 8:15 am – 9:45 am Pacific time

Monday, June 10th 5:15 pm – 6:45 pm Pacific time

Here’s how to dial-in to either call:

Phone: 206-402-0100 Code: 305799#

Skype: enter “joinconference” into the dialing keypad (or your address book). Call “joinconference” then locate the keypad again and enter the code 305799#

Or listen only via your computer:

8:15 class 6/10— http://InstantTeleseminar.com/?eventID=41960046

5:15 class 6/10— http://InstantTeleseminar.com/?eventID=41960172

I won’t be able to help you connect once the call begins.

Pop in any time to listen, or come at the very start to participate. If you arrive late, there won’t be an “entry” chime so you won’t interrupt the group.

We’ll do The Work on a common, underlying stressful belief.

Then together, we’ll move into inquiry on one of the concepts that someone finds that they have been thinking about their difficult situation. Something that creates stress inside when they think it!

It may be one of your concepts!

And even if it’s not…as Byron Katie says “there are no new thoughts”.

Whatever we inquire into, you may be easily able to find where you yourself have believed that thought.

This process known as The Work is so simple, anyone can do it. Come see what its like to question a stressful thought, and open to new possibilities.

Much love,

Grace

A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind: Life Support For The Compulsive Thinker. June 11, 2013 – May 20, 2014, Tuesday teleclasses * 2 optional in-person retreats * Powerful Group work. Click here to read all about it.
Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, June 13 – August 8, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. No class June 27. 8 weeks $395.Register Here.
Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 12 – August 30, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays, 6/15, 8/10, 9/7, 10/12, 11/30, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate. Click here to register for mini-retreats:
Loving Your Body Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.