Category: The Work of Byron Katie

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Write To Me

As the One Year Program gets closer to beginning (June 11th) many of you have written to me with suggestions, considerations and dreams of how you would best love to be served if you had your perfect scenario for ongoing support for self-inquiry, and a fulfilling relationship with your own thinking.

Some of you instantly knew that signing up to work in a whole year of inquiry, with the same small group of people, mostly in teleclasses and then a few in-person retreats, was PERFECTO.

Today I would love to hear from those of you who are considering joining the one-year program, and even those of you who are not at this time, what you would really want if I could support you in inquiring into your stressful thinking in your life, and truly beginning to have a loving relationship with your reality over time.

If you had your ideal structure, or had your most important questions answered, or the best format for you personally that you could have in a program with other people, what would it be?

If you could make up your favorite format for life support and inquiry and watching your thoughts and noticing your freedom…how would it look?

This is an amazing thing for any human to consider, whether thinking of a meaningful spiritual journey with others, (like the one-year inquiry program), or as an exercise of imagining what you would like most in your life around any kind of journey or relationship.

Sometimes we know what we are against in our lives, and what doesn’t work…but we hardly consider the possibilities for what DOES work, in a fun, imaginative, loving way.

It is an important step to know what doesn’t work. We get it. THIS is not working. Every time I’m interacting with that person, someone gets hurt….every day when I go to that job, I get upset….every time I eat, I hate myself.

Not working.

And we seem to know that those other people aren’t going to change (Byron Katie says hopeless and we know she’s right).

As many of you know who have started to ask yourself the questions known as The Work, and to question your own beliefs about life, other people and yourself….you’ve discovered that your life is shifting.

You may have discovered that in changing only your thoughts about your world and your experience, that your world actually appears to be changing.

And all that time, you thought you had to fix or change or adjust something OUT THERE, outside of you, in order to have your life and your world be calmer and more fun and more peaceful.

So today, imagine what one troubling situation in your life might look like if it was peaceful, serene, humorous, or joyful….one thing that seems like it’s not right now.

This doesn’t mean thinking about that situation you dislike and saying “I wish x, I wish y, this is so sad…”

It’s about playing with a fun picture, imagining the feeling being full of love, acceptance, gentleness or clarity right in that situation that generally produces stress when you think of it.

And if you have a vision of what would support you in inquiry, then just reply back to this email, and let me know what it would look like.

I’d love to hear your concerns or questions if you’re considering joining the One Year group, or a teleclass, or solo sessions….how would it be tweaked for you to make it right?

Don’t hold back—maybe it’s money, or worry about not liking it, or not understanding inquiry, or that you’ve tried to investigate your thoughts before to no avail….what are your biggest questions?

I’d love to know, if you’ve got ideas and requests. It helps me understand how to support you best, if there’s a way I don’t see it yet.

And if its a question I can write about here, then I will!

So replay back to this email and tell me, what would you like in support of your personal inquiry journey? Where do you bump up against your investigation, your awakening? What is your heart’s desire?

Much love, Grace

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OMG I Might Feel Uncomfortable

Life on the road appears absolutely and completely different, in some ways, than life NOT on the road.

And yet, depending on the circumstance, the thinking mind reaction to the situation at hand, whatever it is, is the same.

Something happens, something unexpected or out of the norm, and a response forms in the mind.

I must admit, I had a few stressful thoughts arise as I entered Bali with my husband Tuesday night. The fascinating piece to the thinking is me calling it stress, because it was slightly fearful.

Really, it was simply entering the unknown…..and with enough unknown, the mind begins to put up warning signs that say WATCH OUT.

It all boiled down to a primary, deep, underlying stressful thought:something could go wrong.

Why would the mind call it “wrong”?

Good question! So many things could go wrong! So let’s see what my mind was chatting about and suggesting as I entered a place I’ve never been before:

  • I might lose money, I might have to pay for something I didn’t expect to have to pay for
  • I might get sick from drinking the water (people told me it’s possible)
  • I might get sick from eating the food (people told me it’s likely)
  • I need something and no one understands my language when I ask for help
  • I am very hungry and I don’t know how to get food right now
  • We’re lost
  •  We don’t have the address to where we’re going, or the person’s phone number, and no one is here to meet us…we don’t know what to do next

Now, did we ever have to know what to do, in that situation upon arrival getting off the airplane?

Actually no.

The MIND will think it would be better to know all about everything, at all times, so that nothing unexpected ever happens and there are no surprises…..and NOTHING EVER GOES WRONG.

The mind will say that something went a little wrong for me and Jon upon arrival, or several things went wrong: I lost one of my sandals in a ditch (bizarre but true), some men began to take off with our luggage, someone wanted to charge us for internet service when it was actually free, there was no one to meet us at the airport and we had expected someone, and there appeared to be no food at our destination when we finally got there.

When I look at any of these and consider why the mind comes up with the idea of them being “wrong” I see that, as usual, it comes down to the perception of safety.

I might not get my needs met! I might feel uncomfortable! This would be WRONG!

As I lay in bed, exhausted and ready to sleep on our first night in a foreign country, with a bit of a weird feeling about being in a wild, mysterious place and not knowing what would happen next…I noticed the sensation in the body of caution.

And I remembered Byron Katie’s words “Don’t be careful, you might hurt yourself.” 

Moving around on planet earth to places unknown, at least for me, may feel like a risk, or it may feel like an adventure, and it vacillates between both.

If it’s too much risk (according to the mind) then the mind will yell and try to get back to safety and the known and calm as quickly as possible.

Yesterday, safety and known were not quite as solid as usual.

And yet, oh yeah that’s right, now I remember that things are neverreally solid or known.

Unexpected things can happen at any moment, no matter where we are.

Accidents, happy coincidences, a new neighbor moves in, a friend reveals something very touching about their life, your partner says they are leaving, a gift arrives in the mail for no reason, you get laid off, someone you haven’t seen in years calls you, you fall and break your arm, you have an interesting conversation at a dinner party.

Life is unfolding and flowering every single moment, and we think that if it remains uneventful, somehow stable, then we can breathe and rest and we’re “safe”.

But Not Knowing anything that will happen is the greatest truth of all, whether I am in the place I live every day, that appears to look quite similar each morning, or whether I am in a different country.

I remember that nothing is guaranteed, nothing static, and that anything could change at any moment. In fact, everything is changing, every moment.

What if I lived the turnaround to my stressful thought that I am in potential danger, and that something could go wrong?

What if instead I lived the belief “something could go right”? 

What if even when I am very hungry and tired and not sure how to get to a bed, and I’m not sure how or where to get food, I notice that something comes to me to do or say.

Nothing “bad” happened. There was only uncertainty, and imagining that things would get worse.

I remember this was really my only most terrible thought when my marriage was ending. What it really boiled down to was that I did not know what the future would look like, whereas before, I thought I knew.

I didn’t like not knowing, and the risk that I would not feel physically comfortable LATER.

Being on the road, with things unknown, my relationship to the universe and to reality feels more teeter-totter close to the edge.

But it’s not any more than usual, really.

Yes, all those uncertain things might happen.

If I lost money, or lost my way, or couldn’t find food, or got sick, or didn’t speak the language…who knows what exciting wonderful Absolutely Right thing could happen next.

All I know is, it does seem true that WITH the thought Something Could Go Wrong (or something IS going wrong) then there is stress…

…but WITHOUT the thought that anything could go wrong…

…smiling inside, entertainment, humor, fun, adventure, awe, beauty, rest, joy, and taking care of myself, asking for help.

No matter where you are, who would you be if you believed and lived the thought today “something could be going just right”?

Much love, Grace

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Liking Green Eggs And Ham Reality

As you read this, I am probably somewhere over the Pacific ocean, on board an airplane to Bali. I will post Grace Notes from there….who knows what will go on in the mind with a little change of scenery in the environment.

Many of us have had the opportunity and privilege to travel somewhere, some time, from point A to point B.

Doesn’t matter if it’s in a car, a train, a taxi, a boat, an airplane. You may have traveled five blocks, or five thousand kilometers.

I have a little joke that seems to appear in my mind every so often….and makes me often laugh out loud.

A little private joke with myself, and today I’ll tell it to you.

Have you ever read Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss? I read it about one thousand eight hundred and forty two times as an adult, about fifteen years ago. I usually had two kids sitting near me, or at least one, and was reading it out loud.

I also listened to it many times when I was a girl.

The images Dr. Seuss drew appear in my mind regularly….as the backdrop to the question “Will you question your thinking everywhere? In all circumstances? In absolutely any frightening, difficult or tricky situation?”

How about on a train? With a goat? On a boat? In a plane?

Will you question your thoughts anywhere?

Won’t you try on Reality, and question it, and see if you like it?

Won’t you see if it’s a friendly universe? How about just a taste?

NO says this little inner scaredy cat place. No, no, no. I will not try to relax, or change my point of view Here nor There, I will not try that ANYWHERE.

NO says resistance, the little self that needs a wall up, that is sure it needs protection from dangerous possibilities.

No, I will not change my perspective when my relationship ends, when I am terrified, when people die, when I get sick, when people do weird and upsetting and creepy things, when friends betray me, when I feel hurt.

Basically, that inner place that doesn’t wish to try on new orientations, or open to very, very radical different ideas….that inner “ego” place is one big NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Arms folded across the chest.

And then comes a day when you may be so hungry, you just have to try those green eggs and ham.

Or perhaps something (like Sam-I-Am) has invited you over and over again, never giving up, always tickling your mind (or nagging) to JUST TRY QUESTIONING YOUR REALITY and see what happens.

Maybe you’ll be beaten down by life circumstances, and you’ll think, “why not simply question what I’m thinking?”

“Deep down we all suspect that something is very wrong with the way we perceive life but we try very, very hard not to notice it. And the way we remain blind to our frightful condition is through an obsessive and pathological denial of being — as if some dreadful fate would overcome us if we were to face the pure light of truth and lay bare our fearful clinging to illusion.” ~ Adyashanti

Soon, I will be looking at a country I’ve never seen before (as far as I know) and encountering brand new visions, sites, people, languages, food, money, weather…

…and it will be so exciting to see what happens, in the mind, and watch as it dances the way it has tended to do, so far.

Thankfully, I’ll be there with inquiry.

You don’t have to change countries to do it. You can do it from your vista, where you are right now…at work, in a car, in a box, with a fox, in the dark, in the rain, on a train…

….and yes, even in that pretty rough situation, that feels frightening or full of anguish.

Do you like reality?

I do, I do like it! And I will see if I like it in EVERY situation!

Much love, Grace

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Forgiveness Problems

Byron Katie says when you’re wondering where to start with The Work, think of someone whom you haven’t forgiven 100%.

Seriously? Someone who I haven’t forgiven 100%? Isn’t that like everyone who even looked at me funny?

And what about money, not showing up enough and being hard to get? Or my body not erasing all signs of cellulite or cancer growth?

What about God/Source/the Universe/Reality for being so freakin’ confusing? Or me, for not being perfectly enlightened at all times in every moment?

Ahhh, there’s the rub. The difficulty at forgiving the self, and all the more subtle ideas about what forgiveness is and how much better it is to DO IT.

Today in the last session of the wonderful teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven we looked at forgiveness and making amends, ultimately towards ourselves.

One dear inquirer spoke for many as she said that she had discovered, during a powerful inquiry session in the past, that she had great expectations for herself to be forgiving.

The following kinds of thoughts can be very stressful, even though they sound true and we’ll nod our heads in agreement.

  • I should be forgiving
  • it’s better to be forgiving
  • being forgiving means I feel all love and tenderness towards the person who harmed me
  • being forgiving means I am quiet, kind, I hug them, I converse with them
  • being forgiving means I live with them, I care about them, I contact them

It’s like The Voice, or the Committee for Spiritual Awakening and Goodness, is demanding you to be an angel, or Jesus Christ, or Byron Katie, or Desmond Tutu….

….but you are not them. You are you.

Your job is to be you. It’s all you can be of course. And if you haven’t been forgiving so far in the past, then that’s what was just right, so far.

What if you turned all that you think about forgiveness, every little stressful belief about it and what it is supposed to look like, around?

  • I shouldn’t be forgiving—maybe not THAT version or definition of forgiving
  • it’s worse to be forgiving—can you find examples of this opposite belief?
  • being forgiving doesn’t mean I feel ALL love and tenderness
  • being forgiving could mean I am loud, apparently unkind, hugs have nothing to do with it, and I may never converse with them ever again
  • being forgiving means I move out from living with them, I don’t care about them (in that same overkill co-dependent way) and I do not contact them

I think about Gandhi, Tina Turner, Martin Luther King, Byron Katie and other great leaders who spoke out, very direct (some people thought of them as unkind) and full of love.

The thing that seems to work best, step by step, is simply to look at what causes or creates stress inside your own mind, and what doesn’t.

Questioning every thought that feels stressful, or like a dictation or order, or command, or “should” or “have to”….including how “loving” or “forgiving” you’re supposed to be….can free you beyond anything you ever imagined.

“Do you want to meet the love of your life? Look in the mirror.”~Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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Amends With That Scary Person–In Your Mind First

If you’re in Seattle, there are spots for Saturday afternoon inquiry. 1:30 – 5:30 to dive deep, practice, learn. Write me if you need any scholarship help. Click below at the end of this post if you want to attend.

The other evening on skype, working with a dear client in another time zone 8 hours away, she said she ran into someone from her past in a crowded theater.

She felt panic! She wanted to leave the show at intermission!

It reminded me of going to a show myself some time ago, and having the THOUGHT that I could run into a certain individual from my past at that very show.

With a small shot of adrenaline zapping through my system, I had scanned the audience when her face entered my mind.

Oh dear, she attends shows like this….she could be here! How will I act if she’s here!?

Fortunately, I chuckled at my mind coming up with ideas like this, as it seems to do.

I already knew that running into that person would be fantastic.

The emotional experience might be uncomfortable, because of my own beliefs about her thoughts about me, and the misunderstandings that occurred in our relationship, and my imagination that something went wrong between us.

But it would offer a shift, a new opportunity.

So even in the thought about running into that person, there was a tiny shift, and a new opportunity.

Who would you be afraid to run into out in the world?

What if you even imagined running into someone you know who has died, maybe long ago?

Perhaps you turn the corner in a big city and BOOM there they are. Perhaps you notice them in a moving car when you’re driving. Or in a restaurant or grocery store.

Strange how the world moves, and you are in the same dimension, same place, same time (apparently) as that one person who brings up a lot of emotion.

Byron Katie speaks of these sometimes stunning coincidences as beautiful opportunities to connect with the truth for yourself…and perhaps to make amends.

In the dictionary, “amends” is defined as altering, modifying, rephrasing….compensating for injury or loss.

So this dear woman was speaking of seeing a former boss of hers in the crowded theater, and feeling fear. She didn’t approach him or talk with him.

But she hadn’t thought of him in ages, and just seeing him brought forth troubling memories.

Whether in the flesh or only in our minds, the pictures and the feelings can be vivid.

And I speak from experience….you can face the person, whether the person is there or not, whether they are alive or not.

Sometimes, imagining the person is the best place to start. Doing it there, internally from within, with all your heart and soul exposed to yourself, can feel safer.

Just safe enough to bring it into greater clarity.

Making amends doesn’t mean scampering off to apologize and hoping to receive favor from that person who is upset with you.

Making amends doesn’t mean pushing yourself beyond what feels deeply right for you.

You may know that it is most peaceful and loving to make NO contact with that person.

But you can still make peace with that situation, that person, within your heart and mind. In fact, starting with yourself is the most wonderful place.

You sit down and write out your most difficult, excruciating, sad, angry, frustrated thoughts and feelings. On paper.

Then have someone ask you the Four Questions.

You may be closer to feeling the joy of amends or forgiveness than you realized.

You may find that the feeling of fear that courses through you when you run into someone coincidentally without plans is really just excitement, love, joy, adventure.

Even if you feel nauseated, you may know that you are recovering from a deep sickness of looking at this person in a twisted way, a hateful or unforgiving way.

“Go somewhere where its really quiet, and get very still. With your eyes closed, imagine [that person] sitting across from you and do it…get it done, from that inside place of you. And then to make it right, just live it out with the rest of us…with other men in your life, and women and cats and dogs and trees.”~Byron Katie

You do not ever “have to” make amends to someone.

In fact, if you feel like this is a “have to” then it probably isn’t time.

The universe will arrange the right place and the right time. If you run into someone out there, and you feel fear or trepidation, or sadness….

…then you know its because you can handle it.

Much love, Grace

P.S. Stay tuned for additional upcoming information about the One Year program starting in June. A fabulous, in-depth, comprehensive way to question your reality with like-minded people on the journey, addressing all the people and situations we’ve ever been afraid of.

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Money Grows On Trees

Recently I gave myself a special consult appointment with a wise therapist, in the business of mental health for many years, who I meet with from time to time.

Having mentors and other understanding, thoughtful people in my life has been powerful and life-changing. I enter a conversation one way, and come out another…with a brand new idea or spark of excitement.

Or a really radical flip on the way I’m seeing things. Like what happened when I met with my mentor.

I thought I had learned so much about my relationship with money over the past six years, that anything new would be smallish, not that foreign.

But this particular day, I mentioned lightly that it felt fantastic to be completely out of debt (I was thousands of dollars in debt five years ago) and paying for my youngest child’s private education, and that I saved my house from foreclosure only four years ago.

She asked me a few more questions about how I felt about money, and then said “I can tell you know that your life is part of the universe, that your body is part of the earth, that the items in your home are part of the atmosphere….all connected. But you don’t think money is part of you, and of the earth and the atmosphere….you think it’s separate.”

Driving home from my meeting, I thought about what I could learn from these words.

Money and I have come so far. We used to have a very dismissive, uninterested relationship. Not much attraction either way. And fine with that.

Then it became a love-hate relationship. I hated discovering that I needed and wanted it. My strategy for needing and wanting things is to give up needing and wanting them.

Rats. It was like an obsessive love affair with someone I thought was “bad” for me.

THEN, I started liking and enjoying money a lot. Money seemed to be on my side, supportive, ready to work with me.

Could I actually LOVE money?

Like unconditional love? Could money be a part of me? My best friend? A close companion? Nah. Impossible. I still wanted to hide that I loved money. The secret crush no one could know about.

Money couldn’t be really trusted.

  • money could go away any minute
  • money could be required elsewhere, like in a broken car, or a major house repair, or an unexpected accident
  • money doesn’t grow on trees
  • I have to keep vigilant, stay responsible, work hard
  • I wish I didn’t have to earn money
  • can’t I go live in a monastery, with my basic necessities met, and lots of books?
  • I have to give great service, help people, be “worth” the price—the more perfect, the better
  • I need money

Some of these seem more stressful than others. Some feel stressful one day in the morning, and like no biggie at the end of the day.

But in reflecting on my mentor’s words, I thought “wow, money DOES feel separate from me….like it’s OUT THERE somewhere and by wild chance I draw it in sometimes. By my own hard nose-to-the-grindstone work, I repaid all my debt and started making money.”

GONG!!!! (wrong)

Realizing that I was out of the general panic zone for quite awhile now, I decided I hadn’t done The Work in awhile on money. It was time.

Who would I be without the thought that money doesn’t grow on trees? Or that Me-Myself-and-I am the One who brings/gets/acquires money?

Who would I be without the thought that I “have” to do stuff, push, be perfect, and “earn” it in any kind of a stressful way?

What if it was really part of nature, like air or water? Like breathing? And I didn’t have to “make” it come and go, like the same way I don’t have to make my heart beat, my lungs breathe, my kidneys function.

If I lived in these turnarounds, my belief system about money might look like this:

  • money could go away any minute (how exciting!) or it could come along any minute, like rain or sunshine—I don’t have to have a hissy fit either way
  • money is not limited…it moves towards this and that, repairs and all kinds of other possibilities, it’s amazing what it can be traded for
  • money does grow on trees (!) I shows up unexpectedly, it’s made from trees, when it’s used, more grows, like apples or food…more always shows up, for the next meal
  • I have to relax, rest, watch, wait, play easy
  • It’s a gift to “earn” money, I wish money didn’t have to earn ME (I try to be so perfect all the time, and think I don’t deserve it unless I am, jeez!)
  • can’t I simply live in my current life, where I see already all my basic necessities are ALWAYS met, and I have lots of books?
  • I have to receive great service from each person I meet with, I don’t have to help people (maybe I actually can’t), be “worth” the price—the more my natural, loving self, the better
  • I need money (yay!) And yes, I also don’t need it at all. I call that a really good, healthy relationship. No co-dependency here.

This relationship with money really is like my relationship with life.

I noticed long ago, doing The Work on money, that if I substituted the word “God” for money on my worksheets full of stressful thoughts, it showed me my inner relationship with God/Reality/Source/Universe.

The same. God could leave any minute, be required elsewhere, and I needed to earn God’s love and attention, stay vigilant and work hard.

Who would I be without these thoughts?

Magical. Free. Wild. Entering the unknown. Not really “needing” anything, but receiving, using, giving, just by being alive. Air going in, air going out.

“Fill you bowl to the brim and it will spill. Keep sharpening your knife and it will blunt. Chase after money and security and your heart will never unclench. Care about people’s approval and you will be their prisoner. Do your work, then step back. The only path to serenity.”~Tao Te Ching #9

When I care about money’s approval, and it feels like it is separate from me and eratic and volatile and uninterested….I am its prisoner.

When I don’t care about money’s approval of me….I notice I create as gloriously as a gushing fountain, I adore working with people, money shows up to celebrate.

Money grows on trees.

Much love, Grace

P.S. MONEY teleclass starts June 13! Click the second class link below to register. This time the class meets in the evening Pacific time 5:15 – 6:45 pm (unusual). I can’t wait to inquire and shift beliefs about our friend Money this summer. Join our group, it could mean an about-face for your work, income, business….your freedom!

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Paperwork Is Not Spiritual

Excited to offer 4 CEUs (Continuing Education Credits) for any Social Workers, Therapists and Counselors in Washington State for the mini-retreat this weekend! We dive into The Work with a small group from 1:30 – 5:30 on Saturday.

Join me!

I am freshly approved to offer credits, to participants who need or want them, for 2 years, after much paperwork and quite an application process.

Speaking of paperwork! It’s REALLY exciting to get approved for something like this. It feels like a green light for all the work I’ve already done, the workshops completed, the curriculum, the evaluation forms.

It ROCKS!

But sometimes the papers, getting everything you’ve done ON PAPER…Oi Vey. It can feel like a daunting task.

Mortgages, loan applications, college essays, school transcripts, quit claim deeds, taxes, medical notes, official letters….perhaps even doing The Work?

If you’re bored even hearing about paperwork….well, you are not alone.

Paperwork and formal applications and the like are huge forms of stress, boredom, irritation and even despair for many people.

When I first looked at the list of what was necessary to qualify and apply for offering workshop CEU credit here in my state, I took a heavy sigh…but then came “I can do it”.

Grades, evaluations, checking off boxes. Piles of documentation.

It could drive you mad, if you have certain stressful thoughts about it like these:

  • there are so many steps, it will take me FOREVER to finish them
  • this is tedious
  • I can’t explain it well enough
  • I don’t have the materials, the documents, the files, the information I need
  • I’ll have to hunt through cabinets, I don’t know where stuff is
  • it’s too hard
  • I can take a shortcut
  • I can’t

But I have found that my life, honestly, has gotten a hundred times more efficient in this kind of paperworky administrative-ish arena as I’ve questioned OTHER stressful beliefs about people, safety, money, friendship, love, death, and making a living.

That thing you need to turn in? You know, those taxes? Or that school you’ve wanted to apply for? Or that scholarship application? Or that certificate you need? That letter you’d like to write?

You can do it.

It seems like this type of area isn’t really one for questioning your thoughts sometimes. It’s the mundane paper trail of life.

Yet, once all the stuff is put on paper…you go through a gate to the next thing. Action might happen.

Your mind might feel freed up. Something is handled.

David Allen, author of Getting Things Done, talks in a wonderful way about the mind and how we try to work with it, in this world of organizing and work and business and tasks of the day-to-day life. He likens paperwork and taking care of stuff as a spiritual path, really.

David said “Mind Like Water”. Even with tasks we’re supposed to do.

Especially with tasks we’re supposed to do!!

When I truly see what it’s like to be without the stress of believing I can’t do something, I can’t find something, I don’t have the right materials or information….when I feel what its like to NOT HAVE something “done” as stressful…

….then I notice I take one step at a time. I keep going.

It just wells up out of me to move, to fill out the form. Send it. Finish it. Look at it.

This is true with The Work itself. You have to write your thoughts down, to really get into them and remember what you’re doing. At least that always seems to be the case for me, so far.

Now, I see the turnarounds as so true or truer:

  • there are many steps and this is a great and wonderful thing, it will be fun to take them all and look back at this process
  • this is not tedious, its worthwhile
  • I can explain it well enough
  • If I don’t have what I need, I can figure out how to get it, I can ask for help
  • Hunting through cabinets is fun, is easy…it’s just looking
  • it’s easy
  • no shortcut is necessary (the long way might be shorter)
  • I can

Even in this mundane topic of paperwork and following directions and filling things out….there is beauty.

“When you have names and forms, know that they are provisional. When you have institutions, know where their functions should end. Knowing when to stop, you can avoid any danger. All things end in the Tao as rivers flow into the sea.”~Tao Te Ching #32

Even paperwork ends in the Tao. Relaxed. Open to it, not fighting. Accepting. One step, then the next.

Welcome paper. Do The Work on paper. Go slower.

I’m breathing more slowly now.

Much love, Grace

P.S. Only a few spots left. Come on up to the little cottage and do The Work this weekend. Only 4 hours (and 4 CEUs if you need them) for learning, practicing, and USING PAPER to question your thinking. You might have a break through!

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She Doesn’t Like Me

It was Saturday night, a lovely spring evening in north Seattle. My sixteen year old daughter (by 2 days) had asked to attend the local high school musical production of the long-time favorite Music Man.

I bought two tickets just for the two of us to attend together.

Here are a few things I heard during the course of the evening. They set off a few stressful thoughts inside me:

  • Mom, is that what you’re wearing?
  • This concessions line is waaaaaay too long, I’m not waiting
  • Stop staring at those people!
  • Why didn’t you say Hi to her?
  • Don’t lean so close to my face to tell me something!

I was sure there was a constant stream of criticism.

Now that I read my own list, I see basic, simple communication.

Direct, blunt, to the point. No dilly-dallying around. Refreshing really.

But that night, after the last comment “Don’t lean so close to my face!” I dramatically leaned in the opposite direction, folded my arms across my chest, sitting in my chair, and pointedly looked only directly ahead at the stage.

Yes, it was that mature.

I noticed her sweet face turning towards me several times, out of the corner of my eye, looking to see how or what I might be thinking or feeling, perhaps.

But I didn’t look at her for a couple of minutes!

She doesn’t like me!

That was my painful thought. I know this is true because she’s critical, she has a tone, she tells me I’m too close, she doesn’t want to wait in line with me.

As I’ve mentioned before, one of my favorite professors said during a graduate school lecture when I was newly pregnant with my first child:

The secret to being a good parent? Be willing to be hated.

In that little tantrum moment where I pulled back and clammed up I was NOT willing to be hated.

She HAD to have a positive, wonderful opinion of me.

Yikes.

This thought has also entered my internal world with other people. God forbid anyone to have distaste for me, be repulsed, critical, upset or worried about me.

Sigh.

I sat there in the dark theater with 76 Trombones and a full stage of young actors belting their hearts out joyfully, able to simultaneously ask myself….it just sprang up really….

Who would I be without the thought that my daughter should like me? Or be one ounce different than she is?

How about those other people in my life who on the rare occasion have criticized, had a less-than-fabulous opinion, or cut off communication with me?

Who would I be without the thought that it should be different?

Quite stunning to think of this, to really imagine it with love, to develop the picture, to fill out the whole experience of allowing them all to hate me as much as they want.

As if I could control any of it.

And then….in the theater, I noticed in the story on stage that the main character Professor Harold Hill was having a transformation. He was noticing that he was enjoying, and touched, by the people around him. He was not interested in ditching and running as he always had before.

“My foot never got caught in the door before!” he exclaims on stage.

On his way out, something caught his attention. He discovered that people were aware of his limitations and false intentions and foibles,and they loved him anyway!

What if that person DOES like you? Even if it doesn’t appear that they do? What if you lived that turnaround?

“When I walk into a room, I know that everyone in it loves me. I just don’t expect them to realize it yet.” ~Byron Katie

I relaxed and stopped the distancing. I noticed how connected I felt to that darling girl, who observes so much about me.

This morning she brought me breakfast in bed for Mother’s Day. At the crack of dawn (knowing I’m an early riser, she set her alarm).

“The point is that our true nature is not some ideal that we have to live up to. It’s who we are right now, and that’s what we can make friends with and celebrate.” ~ Pema Chodron 

Much love, Grace

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Inquiry Changes The World

There is nothing more intriguing and wonderful for me than spending time doing inquiry. The shifts and changes have been profound….my life is changed.

That’s a big statement…..“my life is changed by self-inquiry”.

For me to think this is true, there has to be a memory of what my life was like, what happened when I first began to inquire and learn to sit with myself…and then what life is like now.

It seems true my life is deeply changed.

Something happened…..and the time between fretting or making sweeping decisions or engaging in self-harm or being confused is a fraction of what it once was.

I argue with what is far less. I am not against what is happening much of the time.

There seems to be this mind that gets worked up sometimes, busy busy busy. Anxious, analyzing, worried, stressed, tired, angry, determined, fearful.

It got more like that after age 10 or so. Before that, life is sort of foggy and sweet. I remember major events, but I wasn’t an anxious mess. Some really troubling things happened, but then they passed and life kept going.

Somewhere into puberty the world and my thoughts became much more vivid. Like technicolor. More alert, intense, and more full of really big questions.

As more questions entered my awareness, more assumptions did too, based on experiences. Almost like the mind is filling in answers. Like something’s going on and there’s a voice saying“You want to know the meaning of life? Go find out, grasshopper! Look around!” 

I was looking around and sometimes I really loved what I saw and sometimes I thought this place was a loony bin, or worse….quite dreadful. A horror show.

The world was beginning to look pretty scary. Bad stuff seemed to happen. People got very upset. People died or left. Wars broke out. Tsunamis occurred. People did mean things to other people, really confusing, terrible things.

The agony of looking at the world and seeing a frightening vista will inspire just about anyone to understand better, to seek freedom, to end the suffering.

Reading great spiritual works seemed like the first place to go, starting in my late teens.

And then various therapies, groups, workshops, conversations, graduate school, training.

Self-inquiry, that is, asking oneself questions about how you operate, what’s going on, why you’re responding, what you’re thinking or feeling…what a fantastic breath of fresh air, a slowness, making things simple.

One of my favorite authors and teachers, for years and years, is Geneen Roth. She had the eating issue I did….and learned to ask herself what the heck was going on and study the answers, study the patterns.

She wanted to know.

I realized at some point that I wanted to know….more than I wanted the issues and stress and pain to stop, I wanted to “get” what this was all about.

Wanting to know the answers, to explore and investigate, makes all the difference.

The difference between doing something soothing, so that you feel temporarily better, and wanting to know the truth for yourself.

The truth is so dang interesting, so amazing, so satisfying. So rich, varied, full, revealing.

And automatically, I found that when I questioned what I was believing, the world opened up and things became lighter, more wild and free. And do did I.

“Of this I am certain….something happens every time I stop fighting with the way things are. Something happens to every one of my students when they stop running their familiar programs about fear and deficiency and emptiness. I don’t know what to call this turn of events or the freshness that follows it but I know what it feels like. It feels like relief. It feels like infinite goodness. Like a distillation of every sweet fragrance, every heart-stopping beauty, every haunting melody you’ve ever heard. It feels like the essence of tenderness, joy, peace…like love itself.”~ Geneen Roth

I know that when I look head-on at a troubling situation, and wonder about my response to it, and how it happened, and what role I played….my heart is full of compassion, I see the essence of love in everyone involved, I feel accepting.

The world is so friendly these days, I can hardly contain my happiness about it. A quiet, simple happiness without anxiety. I feel like clapping my hands!

I don’t know what This (the world) is all about. I really don’t know what its for, or how it got made. I don’t have sophisticated answers…the questions all still hang out and are still here.

But there is such a profound peace, it really is a feeling of peace beyond all belief.

Until I believe something difficult and then I get to have my little reaction, and then inquire and look. So fun.

“A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but our  attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing that it’s true, without inquiring. A belief is a thought that we’ve been attaching to, often for years.” ~Byron Katie

Who knew that unhooking attachment to my ways of thinking could change my life, could change the world as I see it.

Much love, Grace

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Grateful For Stomach Punch

Standing in the middle of my dorm room over thirty years ago as dark winter rolled in, two months into the academic year, I suddenly thought “I can’t take this anymore”.

After two years of “abstinence” from compulsive eating, which for me was a brutally perfect and rigid diet, and running five miles per day including cross country races…I decided to eat whatever the hell I wanted.

The thing is, it wasn’t really what I wanted. I was about to binge like there was no tomorrow….just this once.

Like a thief filled with excruciating guilt, but nowhere else to go, I went on foot wearing a big back pack, into one store, then a fast-food restaurant, then another store, then a 7-11, then a gas station, with a fake calm on the outside, making sure I only bought a small amount of food so that it looked “normal”.

As soon as I purchased the food at each stop, I stuffed it into my back pack and kept walking.

I felt like I was holding my breath. I was about to blow two years of will power, control, and cold-hearted take-no-prisoners discipline. Just once. Then I would get back on track.

I couldn’t let myself even think 24 hours in advance. All that mattered was right now.

I was buying food that I had not allowed myself to taste, smell, or touch for two years. I had held a low, almost anorexic level weight for two years. No menstrual cycle, bony shoulders…and compliments for my slender form.

In that moment, right then, was rage. Blind rage. Breaking out of this prison.

That was my mind flipping to the extreme opposite of control, never even stopping for a moment’s rest at a mid-way balance point.

I was far, far from the center, from source. I went from one side of the universe (gripping control) to the other side (massive out-of-control).

I didn’t even know what balance was at that time. Or self-love. Or trust.

At least I didn’t THINK I knew. But of course I did. It was lying down in there, quietly waiting.

My mind contained the following beliefs so long ago, which I had arrived at through observing what I thought and did and seeing the “proof” that what I deserved was control, not love:

  • I want too much
  • I am greedy, selfish and self-centered
  • There is never enough for me
  • I am too emotional
  • My feelings are too extreme for other people (especially my parents)
  • There is something terribly wrong with my wants, desires, appetite

When I returned to my dorm room, frantic, with my anxiety shooting through the roof, I locked the door and bolted it and turned the lights low and unpacked all the food items like I just stole diamonds from the fanciest jewelry store in the world.

Too much, too good to be true, too off-the-charts expensive, too out of my league…and I started stuffing the food into my mouth, especially the sugary sweet stuff (not a drop of sugar or chemical additive had crossed my lips in TWO YEARS).

I ate until my stomach felt like it was going to be split open. Then I knew I needed to do that thing I had forced myself to learn only three years earlier, for the first time…I would make myself vomit.

I vomited into a black plastic garbage bag. I wouldn’t dream of entering a public bathroom with the intention to throw up, where other girls who lived in this dorm might come in and hear me.

After the episode was all over, throwing up into the bag, I carefully wiped my face and hands, went down to the bathroom and scrubbed my face with soap and water, my whole body shaking.

I brushed my teeth and brushed them again, and headed back to the scene of the crime, looking down at anyone in the hall who passed me by.

In my room I put three more black heavy-duty garbage bags around the evidence, the bag containing all the vomited food. It was warm from my own stomach and body heat.

Then for some odd reason, to find some relief perhaps in this horrifying scene, I pulled out my bathroom scale (I never went anywhere without it back then) and weighed myself….holding the bag of regurgitated food….and then I set the bag aside and weighed myself without it.

The difference in weight was ten pounds.

I had eaten and vomited ten pounds of food in weight. My actual body weight was the same as it had been yesterday. Part of me felt more guilty than ever, like I got away with something unbearable. A very close shave.

“Acting” calm again, I very quietly unlocked my door and snuck down the back stairs, outside and two blocks away to a dumpster to throw away the disgusting bag, so no one would trace back this sickening event to me.

The level of self-hate and fury and confusion was so intense, I asked myself for the next few days, weeks and months if I could really go on. I knew that it was not worth living a life believing the kinds of things I did about myself.

About a week later, I dropped everything, left college and flew home to my parents and the house I grew up in, and entered therapy.

It would be another ten years before I was completely over the extreme violence I had towards my own desires, my appetite, and my feelings (like sadness, fear, or anger).

But dropping my control, going out-of-control, was the first step towards healing and balance.

It was the best thing that could have happened.

Now, I continue to watch my internal life and the thoughts I repeat or believe…and I notice, I rarely use food or starvation or over-exercise to try to control my feelings, my desire and my appetite.

This happened by looking at what I believed back then, and questioning those beliefs (even though I did not yet have The Work).

Now I can look back at that young woman who was apparently me, so many years ago, and I am filled with appreciation for her story. Even when I still would rather not reveal that story, I know it’s safe, and loving.

If it helps someone else to hear my story, and how far to the extreme it went, then good. Even someone in that kind of pain, with that kind of violence, could find peace, love and understanding out of that suffering.

Today I continue to examine my beliefs about my desires, my appetite, my wants, my feelings.

When I think “Oh Grace, you really should tone it down…you need to get back to “normal” (whatever that is)…you need to calm yourself…you should control your feelings”….

….then I give myself a hug and say thank you to my powerful feelings.

I write down what I’m thinking, I let it rip ON PAPER…and I question those beliefs.

And somehow, I haven’t felt the need to overeat, cram in the food, weigh myself or “slap” myself into shape for many, many years.

It’s easier this way, being truly out of control.

“If you don’t realize the source, you stumble in confusion and sorrow. When you realize where you come from, you naturally become tolerant, disinterested, amused, kindhearted as a grandmother, dignified as a king. Immersed in the wonder of the Tao, you can deal with whatever life brings you, and when death comes, you are ready.”~Tao Te Ching #16

Thank you violence, confusion, emptiness, sorrow. You help me see something is off, to remember the source.

Thank you rage, sadness, grief, desperation, craving, desire and the stomach-punch I gave myself. These reminded me always that where I come from is love.

So do you.

Much love, Grace