Category: The Work of Byron Katie

Posted on

If It Weren’t For My Flaws–I Wouldn’t Be Here

A darling inquirer connected with me on skype at our usual hour. She was in her hot, tropical, southern hemisphere…me in my cool, wet, green pacific northwest.

She had begun her personal facilitated inquiry with me because her career felt boring, blase. Like coasting.

She wanted more excitement, accomplishment, and pleasure in her life. And she had a really good-paying job and a nice house.

But she was stuck between imagination of this bigger, dreamier, exciting future….and feeling like she didn’t want to ruffle things up too much, shake her stable life too loose, burn out, have no free time.

“I get home after a long day’s work, I think about writing my book, making more money, visiting foreign places, connecting with friends….but then I feel tired. So I eat. And watch TV. And research on the internet.”

I wondered if she was afraid of something. Stuck between doing and not doing. Not liking this here, the way it is, and not liking what she might have to do to get away from this conundrum.

Fear can sometimes show up in subtle ways.

Nothing huge has to happen. There’s no trauma, no explosion, no dramatic change.

But there is a holding on, wanting guarantees, not liking it to get too uncertain or precarious…..

….like for me when my part-time job had ended, and it looked like I would need a full time job instead. Because I might be getting a divorce.

I couldn’t live on part-time income (IF I wanted to pay for my house, car, phone, groceries and heat).

I was sitting in my living room. The couch was an old brown, run down worn couch that was a fancy Brazilian furniture designers couch in the 1960s, in my parents’ house.

Now I was living on the borrowed, hand-me-down furniture from the same house in which I grew up. It used to be designer. Now, it was threadbare and uncomfortable.

Like my thinking.

I really should have planned better financially.

I should have gotten a job sooner, after giving birth to my kids. I should have picked a career more clearly. I should have gone to medical school like I considered. I shouldn’t have been too nervous to go to med school, or too much of a mess. I should have not been so innocently relying on other peoples’ incomes, like my soon-to-be-former husband.

The thoughts of self-criticism and all the ways I might have prevented this predicament piled up on me like a mountain of garbage.

You’re an idiot. You’re too mean. You’re too critical, bossy, lazy, opinionated.

If only you weren’t so flawed, you wouldn’t be in this position.

Ouch.

My client had many volumes of thoughts about herself being lazy, worthless, insignificant, small, a failure, pointless, wrong, immature, burdened.

Just like me and my own thoughts….they’re like a fire hose and full volume, all aimed at protecting and preventing pain.

Back then, sitting on that old 1960s couch wondering if I could sell it….I had The Work questions, thank goodness.

I asked myself, or it just came to me because I was doing The Work a lot, “who would you be without these thoughts of self-hate?”

Without trying to stab myself with a knife (with mean words) who would I be, right now, knowing I wanted more money….or a more exciting life, a more adventurous life, an untethered life, a more creative life?

Stop and think about it.

When I asked my client this thought….she was very quiet for a long time.

“I would sit here and wait, I guess. I wouldn’t have an inner battle with doing and not doing. I would be more relaxed. I would notice that I like many things in my life, and think about doing more.”

Without the thought that I am incapable, or unworthy, or stupid…I feel very innocent. I feel like I absolutely love this moment, this day.

Strange, but without the thought that I should have prevented this moment, that where I am is my fault, I’m more in the present.

And how do I treat this universe, my world, the way of this reality, when I do not buy those self-flagellating thoughts?

If I couldn’t believe that I am a bad person, in any way, or that I can’t handle what’s happening, that I’m not enough for myself…I notice that my whole entire body and nervous system relaxes.

“Trying to earn your own love is just as painful as seeking the love of others, and the results are just as unsatisfying. And undoing the search works the same way. When you sincerely question your unexamined thoughts about yourself, love just happens…..You can’t force this process; you can only inquire and find out what’s true.” ~ Byron Katie

My client breathed a very deep breath and considered who she would be in that moment upon arriving home after her work day without the thought that she should work on her book, or she shouldn’t feel tired, or she should DO something different….or that she should be less critical, more loving, careful, brave.

Laughter rose out of her, and we were both laughing.

The following week, she reported that for no apparent reason, she had worked a total of six hours on her book, cleaned out her closet, bought a vacuum replacement part, looked at maps of San Diego where she had thought about moving for years, and eaten less.

She had also thoroughly enjoyed watching some TV.

“Love is not a doing. There is nothing you have to do. And when you question your mind, you can see that the only thing that keeps you from being love is a stressful thought.” ~ Byron Katie 

Who are you, without the thought that you have to do something, be someone, think something, say something, feel something DIFFERENT than you feel….in order to be “good” and earn your own love?

I know I keep sayin’ it…but if you want help with this from month-to-month with a small group with facilitation to keep you looking at what you dislike in your life, including YOUR (APPARENT) FLAWS…come join Year of Inquiry.

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

Inquiry Brings Me Closer

The other day, a familiar event happened. I was waiting for my son for an hour while he had an appointment.

I was in a comfortable, bright waiting room, with several people reading magazines and books, sitting in soft gray chairs. The lights were glowing bright, while outside the Seattle rain was falling.

Someone asked me, after trading the reason we were waiting for family members…“so what do you do?”

Jeez. What to say.

I ask people questions, I help people with stress reduction, I’m like a counselor only different, I offer a form of personal inquiry, I facilitate misery-reduction using the mind, I offer mindful questioning of painful thinking, I help people change their lives by asking them questions about their own thinking.

Out loud I said…”have you heard of The Work of Byron Katie”?

No, she had not.

No one else in the waiting room looked up from their magazines, or had any looks of recognition.

OK, back to Option #1.

Sometimes a smile breaks over someone’s face as they recognize the work, or they’ve read Loving What Is. Then there is no need to explain.

But really….once I say that I work with people by asking them questions and allowing them to discover what is true for themselves when it comes to their stressful or painful thinking…

…then almost everyone finds it curious, interesting, and they want to know more.

Or they say “I could use some of that!”

The thing is, even for someone who has never, ever heard of The Work, this type of deep personal inquiry has been practiced for centuries, in varying formats.

Almost every single person has wondered why some things are the way they are, why they behave this way, why other people behave or think that way….and what is going ON around here (on planet earth)?

Humanity adores a good question.

It brings out the most wonderful, profound answers. And good questions bring alive a movement of looking, creativity, pondering, wondering, sharing conversation.

But when you aren’t sure of the answer…or your brain takes off into coldesacs and dead ends…

…you can easily give up.

All you know is, you feel pain, you feel worried, afraid, or very sad, and one of the most natural things to do is try to feel better ASAP.

Distract yourself! Do something pleasurable! Change the channel!

The last thing you want to do is get asked a bunch of personal, deep, hard-to-answer questions.

And yet….I had nothing left to do but to answer these questions when I was so fearful about many things in life.

Having The Work gave me a simple plan. It gave my fast mind a job.

Here, oh mind, go at it. Take a look. Find out what’s being assumed here and take it away.

The very first question in the series known as The Work is this:

Is It True?

This question alone can stop that panicking mind that never considered this before.

The Work might be four questions, and then finding turnarounds for your painful, stressful, disturbing thoughts and mindset…but it’s not that easy to “get” in five minutes.

It’s kinda complicated!

“After doing The Work, many people report an immediate sense of release and freedom from thoughts that were making them miserable. But if The Work depended on a momentary experience, it would be far less useful than it is. The Work is an ongoing and deepening process of self-realization, not a quick fix.” ~ Stephen Mitchell (husband to Byron Katie)

After I got introduced to The Work, I knew I loved it.

And I still didn’t do it regularly. Can’t I just rest, just stop, just relax?

Yes. That’s the whole point, in the end.

But try to tell the fearful, sad or angry mind to rest, stop and relax. Have you noticed how it doesn’t really understand how?

Or it CAN’T??!

But for me, and for many others, giving my stressful thoughts some questions to answer wound up doing just that…

…slowing everything down, reducing fear, diminishing pain, making things quieter….

…and sometimes, stopping the mind altogether from it’s penchant for stressful, negative, nervous thinking.

“We are entering the dimension where we have control–the inside.” ~ Byron Katie  

If you have found that you are intrigued by eliminating your troubled thoughts, by changing your own mindset, by altering your automatic responses to what happens in your world….

….then you may have discovered how exciting it is to do The Work.

But it takes practice, attention, time (or so it seems) and a willingness to look inside and see what’s going on inside your own head to understand your stressful emotions.

After some time of catching on to The Work, I realized just like all the other things I’ve ever loved doing in my life with joy, that I needed to schedule it, set aside time.

Otherwise…I kinda got around to it LATER.

Or only in big crisis, when I was crying, hurt, furious or traumatized.

I wanted not only stress relief, I wanted true freedom.

Freedom from believing all my difficult, frightened thoughts.

The only way I could accomplish this was to get with other people, schedule partner time, sign up for a class, connect with a group to do The Work.

And that’s what I still do now….almost ten years later.

I gather with other people, I have a partner facilitate me, I get a conversation going with my own mind so I can get in touch constantly with my inner world and freeing myself the confines of my own mindset.

I don’t want to be just a conditioned reactive person with no ability to stop, rest and relax.

Will you join me?

Our next Year of Inquiry group begins March 7th, Friday mornings 9-10:30 am pacific time.

We meet via telecalls, 3 times a month, and have an email forum and a different topic every single month: our parents, relationships, money, the body, sickness, pain, jobs, our complaints….

….twelve months of focused, vital, commonly stressful topics to look at clearly and with clarity together, and keep you in The Work all year.

There is still room for more.

If you’ve been wondering how to enter your inner world and stay there, with inquiry, maybe this is your time?

You pay monthly if you like, or one or two lump sums for our year together. Two in-person retreats are optional (we have a ball).

Read all about it here and write if you have questions or you’re ready to sign up. It will be a fantastic 2014-2015 year.

Inquiry Brings People Closer 

“When I signed up for the YOI class I had high expectations & goals. They have been exceeded. It is amazing to me to do the work with somebody and not have to listen to a bunch of ego denial bullshit. I get to share & hear what is really going on. So many techniques I have learned in the past ultimately do not break through the ego-barrier, in fact, many bolster it. Inquiry not only brings one closer to self, it brings people closer to each other.“ ~ SW Yoi Participant

Much love, Grace

Posted on

Everyone’s A Valentine

The big hand of the clock clicked in place in my kitchen, 7:00 am Pacific Time. The room was still, and my headphones were on, ready for my usual Tuesday morning session.

My laptop did it’s little sing-song ring at the top of the hour, on the dot.

This woman and I had been working together for three years. She hardly ever missed a session.

We could see each other on skype.

“I’m having the same thought again….it isn’t going away.”

I told her to tell me her stressful, sticky, painful situation….and while it was technically new, the same characters were involved as in the past.

Doing the very same things as before. Saying the same things as before.

Here was a new “situation”. New proof. Proof that her belief was true.

He is financially irresponsible.

Her boyfriend. He had debt, bills, a gambling history, had asked her for money and not paid it back, owed rent in five days, had his wages garnished, and was driving a car without a license.

Now, before you roll your eyes and say that Mr. Boyfriend is a loser….like many others in this woman’s life….notice what your own thoughts are about this situation.

She should break up with him, she’s not getting it, he is indeed irresponsible, he’s bad news, there’s something wrong with this, or with her, or with him, she is getting hurt….these thoughts of hers should go away. 

I watch how a little voice in my mind immediately comments that it knows what is best.

I know what is best for my client, my friend, my child, my parent, my neighbor, my boss, my co-worker, my spouse.

Especially when someone has a long, repetitive, difficult story where they are reporting that they are suffering.

She should move on, she should quit what she’s doing.  

I had another client once who was already broken up with a lover, yet pined for him endlessly. A year had gone by since the end of their relationship. She had entered The Work to try to get over her heart-break.

But every week, she said she felt the same way.  

I miss him, I hate being alone, I can’t go on like this, I wish I felt differently, I think about him all the time.  

That person should get over it!! Quit doing that!!

Is it true?

Of course! They should wake up, snap out of it, grow up, “get” how to inquire on this, stop hurting themselves, question their thinking, have a shift of consciousness, quit suffering.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true?

No. I do not know their timeline.

I would have loved to snap my fingers and end my eating disorder at age 18, right when it started.

I would have liked to notice that I was in a really volatile, caustic relationship the first weekend I ever went away with that man, but it went on for the rest of the summer and then stretched with several other encounters into the future for a couple of years.

I would have liked to see that one man I had been friends with was a complete raving addict in the first months of knowing him and completely 100% unavailable for any real and genuine connection.

I would have loved to see that the best choice for my kids and family was simple public school instead of being obsessed and fearful for four years about their education.

I’ve had a few repetitive, ongoing, persistent beliefs.

Could I stop them? God knows I tried.

How do I react when I believe someone should get their friggin’ act together and stop believing their repetitive thoughts?

How do I react when I think thoughts should STOP?

Pissy.

When I think I know what’s best for someone….and they aren’t doing it….I feel really irritated. Or I’m frightened, and sad.

I believe I must not be helping, which is also disappointing.

I get angry, I sulk, I threaten, I worry, I wring my hands, I’m anxious.

I see pictures of the future with them feeling horrible, suicidal, dead.

But who would I be without the belief that this person should STOP THINKING THOSE THOUGHTS!??

Without the thoughts that they should do something different than they are doing…..or faster, or smoother, or with more joy, or power?

I would feel the deep compassion of Not Knowing. The Mystery of their human condition.

And I would speak honestly. Because I would have no agenda or expectation or thought about what should happen, whatsoever.

I mean, how could I possibly know anything more than this loving connection, here in this moment, being here now.

“Have you noticed it’s hopeless to dictate peoples’ awareness or behavior?……Reality doesn’t wait for your opinion, vote, or permission, sweetheart. It just keeps being what it is and doing what it does. ‘No! Wait for my approval!’ I don’t think so! You lose, always.” ~ Byron Katie

Turning the thoughts around: she should keep thinking those thoughts, she shouldn’t change, he should suffer as long as he does, I shouldn’t think these thoughts about them, I should break up my thinking (about them)….. 

Everything relaxes in an instant. I love the sound of this person’s voice, I love her sincerity, her deep commitment. I honor her dilemma, I’m here with her.  

It’s 7:05 am. 

“If I think ‘what’s the matter with him?’ there is something the matter with ME in that moment. I’ve just put an obstacle between us. It’s only a thought, but look what my mind does with it….

…..If I don’t love you, I’ve lost my sanity.” ~ Byron Katie 

I love you dear Grace Note reader, thank you for being here and making a difference by even considering the question of who you would be without your story about yourself, about other people.

You are one amazing Valentine, no matter how many of the same thoughts you’ve had over and over.

Love, Grace

Posted on

Fat Thinking Creates Misery

I was looking at someone close to me during a class. He was looking forward at the teacher who was lecturing. I was staring with fascination at the belt around his waste which looked squeezed, with his shirt tightening with strain on either side of his stomach.

I had the thought that his stomach was too fat. Or his shirt was too small. And that he should un-tuck his shirt.

And then the thought that I shouldn’t be so rude as to think that thought.

In the current new Eating Peace class, we’ve taken a good look at our bodies by looking in the mirror.

And then there are Other Bodies, too.

Those bodies, the ones that look like THAT (fill in your own image) are beautiful, perfect, exciting, interesting, or attractive.

These other bodies, the ones that look NOT so perfect (fill in your other images like the one I had in my mind) are anywhere from slightly unappealing to repulsive.

Lumpy/Smooth, Thick/Narrow, Tight/Loose, Saggy/Firm, Wrinkled/Flat, Fat/Thin.

Even when I was a teenager, I would have not only the thought that something was ugly on a body…but also that I was stupid to be thinking that it was ugly.

I should control my judgmental thoughts about those other peoples’ bodies! And while we’re at it, I should also love my own body!

Major Dismal Failure at NOT judging.

So there I was, a teenager, seeing the world and it was jam-packed with images of other bodies.

It was so quick, I could easily tell you what was beautiful and ugly in one-half of a second.

I KNEW UGLY AND I KNEW ATTRACTIVE.

I was learning, or had learned, VERY quickly, very young. As soon as I could hear what adults were saying around me. As soon as I could see what people were drawn to, and how they behaved, and who they rejected or praised.

It was in the movies and on TV.

I KNEW already at the age of 8 that when I sat on a table one day, and my thighs spread out in a squished way with my legs hanging over the edge of the desk.

I was shocked at the time.

“I have fat thighs?! I did not realize this! Terrible! They are ugly!”

“100 percent of your misery is brought on by your dishonest, unconscious thinking. That’s what a lie feels like….if you think you’re too fat, it’s not about your body, it’s about your mind. It’s about imagination running wild…The mind doesn’t have the question IS IT TRUE? to stop it, so that it can reconsider, so that it can bring itself to sanity. Sanity is a word I equate with love, with intelligence and maturity. An immature mind, is a mind that hates itself.” ~Byron Katie

I’ve had the thought that someone was too fat. That person should lose weight. They should exercise. Something is wrong with how they are taking in food.

Plus, another person I love I thought of as waaaaaaaay too focused on the body (and it wasn’t me).

She should get off this whole get-the-body-perfect thing. What a waste of energy, time, resources, focus! Jeez!

Can you call up an image of someone you know who is “fat” and who you think shouldn’t be?

Let’s do The Work.

Is it true that they would be better off thinner? Is it true they are actually FAT?

Is it true that they represent everything that fatness means?

Undisciplined, lazy, unhealthy, scared, angry, pudgy, needy, unhappy, self-centered, or don’t love themselves?

Are they really unattractive? Do people reject them, are they lonely? Are they less than spiritual, or unconscious?

Really?

No. It’s actually not true. At all.

What is really the problem with anyone in this world being fat?

I’ve noticed that the world, the universe, Reality actually contains bodies which are of all different qualities. The variety is enormous, in fact, and actually infinite.

I notice that without the thought that anyone’s Body should be different than the way it actually appears in this moment, then the creativity and variety is magnificent.

All these bodies everywhere being themselves….

Could it be that any way a body appears here, now, is just right?

 

See how amazing it feels to be with this thought.

Back (once again) to leaving everything alone.

What was too fat, was my thinking. When I think someone else is too fat, or anything about me is too fat…..my thinking is slow, full, repetitive, thick, heavy, extra, big, dark, overflowing, wide, depressing.

Fortunately, my thinking is not ME.

Just like my body isn’t ME.

“God, or your essential nature, is not Something. Not Content. Not Form. The best description with words is to say what it is NOT….It can be known in the silent space of stillness which is in everyone…”~ Eckhart Tolle 

What if you walked around today, or sat around, or maybe the body you appear to have is lying around…what if you were here and entirely and completely without the thought that what your body looks like or represents IS you?

What if you are much more than that. Or not even that, at all.

Love, Grace

P.S. The Horrible Food Wonderful Food weekend is approaching in April 4-6, Friday evening through Sunday 5 pm. We’ll be looking at what we think about our bodies. Reply back if you’re interested and I’ll keep you up to date.

Posted on

Heaven Is Putting Your Separateness On Hold

Almost nine years ago, I signed up for the School for The Work of Byron Katie.

Little did I know what a crazy, joyful, astonishing adventure it would be to begin to question what I was thinking.

You mean, I don’t have to believe that everything that runs through my head is true?

All the scary stuff about other people, having big emotions like terror or rage, living successfully, failing, being safe, telling the truth, getting sick or hurt, engaging in addictive behavior, pursuing the meaning of life, or contemplating death itself?

That’s a lot of thinking, over a lot of years. Always in the background.

What’s All This about? What’s going on around Here on planet Earth?

After I left the School which lasted nine days, I knew what to do when I had a feeling of anxiety, worry, sadness, irritation or emotional reaction that didn’t feel good.

Or even curiosity, resistance, confusion.

I knew I could identify what it was I thought in that moment, and spend some time with it to see if it was really true.

I thought “why would I need a facilitator? It’s four simple questions and then finding turnarounds. I can do this with one hand tied behind my back!”

My life continued along, and the thing is….it got a little fast-paced.

Movement was happening. I was faced with divorce, moments of unrest with my kids, money worries, cancer.

It’s not always natural or easy (so it seems) to stop, do a little writing, and take a moment to understand what it is that’s going on in your mind like its your best friend and you have all the time in the world for examining your thoughts.

Your mind does not always feel exactly like a Best Friend, if you know what I mean.

Plus, the mind is faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and definitely able to leap tall buildings or even whole countries in a single bound.

(If you’re not so sure about that, quick right now, think about France…now think about Africa….see what I mean?)

As the weeks went by following my 9 day immersion in The Work with Byron Katie herself, I noticed every so often that I hadn’t actually sat down and done The Work for a few days.

Then a few more days.

Then a couple of weeks.

I’m doing The Work in my head in the car! Isn’t that good enough? 

But I’d get interrupted. I’d forget where I was. I’d get lost.

Then…I decided I needed a companion. I needed a friend, a co-facilitator, I needed to anchor this practice into time so that it actually happened.

Because every single time I did it from start to finish, with someone else, or with a small group, there was always a magnificent discovery.

Like I was able to have a genuine, honest conversation with my own mind, after enlisting support.

Gosh. With other people facilitating me, and time set on the calendar…shared investigation, depth, authentic connection.

Up to me on my own with Me, Myself and I running the show, the short-cut version, kind of like fake sugar. Not quite right.

The way things were going all on my own wasn’t exactly reliable.

I knew I didn’t want to mess around.  This was my life. My world was changing.

In some ways, it was falling apart completely.

Everything I had previously thought of as true was up for grabs.

I got a facilitator. Best move I could have made.  Because when I felt just a wee bit better emotionally, in control, relaxed, like “OK, I got it! I’m good!” I would have the urge to take that idea seriously.

But I didn’t.

Thank you for sharing, oh mind that thinks it can do everything by itself thank you very much. I love that you’re so independent and brilliant (which it is, actually).

However, the results are that on my own it kind of looked like the tasmanian devil approach, with slight moments of exhaustion and re-grouping in between.

I wanted peace.

Of course, the great paradox is that everyone must find their own answers….they are actually already there, in the silence within all of us, ready to blossom.

But if like me you find that you just don’t find the time, commitment, clarity or depth on your own at first…you may love signing up for a class with others, or putting yourself in a retreat or structured program, or scheduling time with a facilitator.

It doesn’t have to be anything that costs money, you can call the Help Line on thework.com or you can get a partner to trade sessions with.

I continue to value the peeps I gather with as my stepping stones to true peace.

Just like when I first went to 12 Step Meetings so long ago at age 19. On my own, things weren’t going so well.

In a group….better.

It doesn’t matter if the people you encounter are your new best friends. The group is for you to show up into. It brings a stable structure that you don’t have to question.

You’re just there, scheduling it is handled.

“Mind’s job is to be right, and it can justify itself faster than the speed of light. Stop the portion of your thinking that is the source of your fear, anger, sadness, or resentment by transferring it to paper. Once the mind is stopped on paper, it’s much easier to investigate. Eventually The Work begins to undo you automatically without writing.” ~ Byron Katie 

If you notice that like me, you kinda want the speed-dating, speed-skating, speed-racer path to enlightenment…. ….then you may enjoy entering the Year of Inquiry (YOI) for the Addictive Mind program.

A WHOLE YEAR?!?!

Yes.

Invented for the more brilliant, quick, distracted minds that may find great serenity in having a set time 3 times per month for 90 minutes with others to investigate your deepest judgments, your stressful thinking, your assumptions, your troubling ideas.

We do it on the phone, so you can be anywhere.

Even your car.

And of course, no one needs to do YOI. You can do a shorter class (the one on Parenting starts soon!) or set up a trade with someone in your life.

If I could do it, you can too!

If this was your last year in this lifetime…would you want to be with others in this deeply intimate way?

Would you want to rest in knowing you had the time and space to dial-in, literally, to inquiry?

I would.

Heaven in YOI“I love that I have to EXPERIENCE the Work, have to DO it, to be IN it.  And when I do The Work – surprise! – I am letting go into the moment. I’ve been at it for a few years now, here and there, sometimes frequently/intensely, sometimes not for weeks or even months.  And here we are in this terrific group.  Heaven.” ~ YOI participant

Come join us in un-believing and un-doing your painful thoughts. Losing your world could be a good thing….and you can get support while doing it.

It’s why meditation retreats, groups, classes, communities exist.

Because other people ARE you, of course.  “

Everyone is a mirror image of yourself-your own thinking coming back to you.” ~ Byron Katie  

Reply to this email if you’re ready to sign up for YOI or another class. Let me know how I can be of service to you.  My sincere commitment is joining with others in our true freedom.

As the wise and loving teacher Adya says about signing up for meditation retreats or classes:
“….They are an opportunity to put your separateness on hold and discover the liberating truth of what you are…” ~ Adyashanti  

Love, Grace

Posted on

Join Others And Let The Tao Sing In Your Life

The mini retreat is now closed for tomorrow. An employer decided to pay for all her employees to take the retreat together so we’re doing it separately with only their company.

If you had a little spark of thinking about coming…the March 8th and May 3 will be the next open Saturday afternoons of The Work in Seatown (that’s fondly for Seattle).

Whether you’re experienced or not, everyone will be welcome.

Getting together with others is not always an easy choice.

If you’re particularly introverted like me (I come out very extreme every single time I’ve taken the Meyers-Briggs test, toward the Introverted side of the scale) then your first thought about joining a group of any kind may be like mine.

Isn’t there a book somewhere on this topic? That I could read BY MYSELF? Do I have to get together with other people?

Heck, even someone on the Extraverted side of the scale might have reservations.

(As if these “scales” actually exist, but for the sake of the discussion, I will continue).

Admit it! Other people can be annoying! Or scary!

Many years ago when I had a wonderful mentor/therapist, I told her that I was invited to a party the coming weekend.

“Oh?” she replied, “How will that be for you if you don’t drink alcohol and don’t overeat any food?”

Gulp.

I told her I would have anxiety just walking into the house!

She said “Oh, I’ve had the same feeling. But remember the other people there are Human Beings. You can stand next to someone and actually say ‘I’m a little nervous about being here’. Have a real conversation.”

Wow, a real honest conversation?

What would be the worst that could happen, if you joined a workshop, event, class, group, retreat, party, gathering, trip……..with other humans?

Let’s go ahead and see what some of the stressful thoughts are:

  • someone might dominate the entire group, the conversation, or every activity with their talking on and on
  • there might be someone rude or scary present
  • I might have to talk, expose myself and have everyone hear me, or stare at me….they might think I’m an idiot
  • I could appear foolish, naive, immature, selfish, bossy, or any other quality where people won’t like me
  • someone might start crying, sobbing, freaking out, yelling, or getting really emotional….and that would make me nervous
  • somebody might be needy and start asking for attention from me or others, I might feel compelled to help them and not get what I need

Oh boy. Lots of potential dangers. It’s a jungle out there.

And I’m not kidding!

Let’s say you like the idea of learning meditation, or going to AA, or taking an art class, or going to school, or attending a party, or taking a workshop…….but you hesitate.

Is it true that there could be someone else who dominates, controls….or someone needy and desperate…either of whom might “take over” the group focus?

Is it true that when I reveal my inner world, someone might be disgusted or appalled?

Well, YEAH! I’ve been in these situations before! Very uncomfortable! I wanted to get OUTTA THERE!

But are you absolutely sure you couldn’t get what you needed? Are you positive that when people judged you, that was terrible?

Are you certain that the person who stirred things up was someone you need to run from?

No.

How do you react when you believe the thought that Other People’s needs or behavior can conflict with your own?

That you might have to “deal” with tough people and it will be hard?Oh man.

I avoid groups. I keep a low profile. I don’t sign up for that many group-ish things. I run to my car when an event is over. I don’t ask friends to go with me. I put up a shield against whoever I think of as “trouble”.

And who would I be if I didn’t even have these kinds of thoughts?

If I noticed what I enjoy, and the topics I want to learn more about, and the attraction I have towards classes or workshops…. ….and I simply follow my preferences?

Who would I be without the thought that something bad might happen with a person there? Or that IF someone were difficult that’s the last thing I want?

Woah.

Without the thought that people could make me feel uncomfortable? Without the thought that something might be awkward?

I’d be excited. I’d be ready for anything. I’d say “bring it on” and join with others all the time.

I’d come and go and leave and stay with a deep freedom, something solid, no hesitation, no worries about what should or should not happen.

Without the thought that feeling uncomfortable is something to be avoided…I’d join. I’d walk through the door. I’d sign up.

Someone difficult would be the FIRST thing I’d want.

Turning the thoughts around:

  • someone might serve the entire group, the conversation, or every activity with their talking
  • there might be someone kind or very loving present
  • I might have to talk, expose myself and have everyone hear me, or stare at me….they might think I’m normal, and awesome
  • I could appear foolish, naive, immature, selfish, bossy, or willing, honest, mature, selfless, humble…and people will think whatever they think
  • someone might start crying, sobbing, freaking out, yelling, or getting really emotional and that would make me excited
  • somebody might be needy and start asking for attention from me or others, and I might get exactly what I need by whatever happens next

When every single danger could be an opportunity it’s an adventure to join with Other People.

When every exchange, lesson or activity that is presented in a group creates potential for enlightenment of my own thinking…

…I go.

Almost everything of deep value, I notice, I’ve learned by someone or something bringing it to me. I am presented it by reality, in the form of these Other People.

By looking and being with them, I am with myself.

“Let the Tao become present in your life and you will become genuine. Let it be present in your family and your family will flourish. Let it be present in your country and your country will be an example to all the countries in the world. Let it be present in the universe and the universe will sing.” ~ Tao Teo Ching #54

This universe that I let the Tao be present in includes people and all their reactions, forms, words, behaviors, dominance, neediness…whatever form they/it takes.

Oh boy, can’t wait to show up in whatever group thing is going on next.

I’ve always enjoyed being in the background, sitting in a cafe, watching people. But now, when I sit in a cafe, sometimes people watch me. It’s a challenge. But it’s usually people who want to say ‘your book transformed my life’, or something… so then I’m joyful. One moment before, I didn’t want them to recognise me, but when they do, I’m glad. ~ Eckhart Tolle

Even if you’re very shy…or maybe BECAUSE you are very shy…you may find great joy and just the right amount of contact in the upcoming Year of Inquiry.

It’s filling up. With your peeps.

Come experience the challenge and joy of inquiry with others, even if you’re shy.

(Monthly payment plans available, we meet on Fridays for a year, 3 times per month on telephone). Write me with questions grace@workwithgrace.com.

Connections of a Lifetime in YOI (Year of Inquiry)
It is really valuable to make the personal connections/friendships that we are forming in the group. They are those lifetime, special connection, we were in it together, kinda friendships. And, like The School, it’s basis is life-giving, healing, transcending. So the friendship level is a very high vibration. Like we support each other in being the best we can be, which for me means the most peaceful/loving we can be, (rather than the most successful in society’s eyes we can be.) It reminds me of the bonds/friendships I formed in seminary.~ YOI participant, Oregon  

We start March 7th.

Love, Grace

Posted on

Best. Relationship. Ever.

The other day, a new friend shared with me that a relationship expert and mentor she very much appreciates told her if you feel attraction to anyone over a six on the richter scale….

….run the other way, fast.

In other words, if you’re getting thrown off kilter, toppled over, if the ground is moving….DANGER DANGER! 

It made me laugh.

I’ve had a couple of those off-the-charts explosive attractions.

Of course, when I look back, they were big invitations for expressing true love….and I didn’t always do that.

Let me explain.

I totally get why a relationship expert would joke that runningaway if you feel Big Crazy Love might offer a better outcome than running toward.

Thank goodness for the Tuesday Year of Inquiry group this past week. We’ve been looking at attraction, sexuality, dating, romance for the past month…

…and the power of the group connecting together to hear each other’s thoughts and work in inquiry together was soooo valuable.

I’ve had this feeling about intense feelings not only with romantic flares, but others as well.

People in our YOI could relate.

That person should settle down, not move so quick, relax, quit acting so excited, stop being so intense, stop pushing, asking, inviting, showing up, calling, emailing, texting, pestering, returning. Get a grip!

It’s too much! They should back off!

Many years ago when I was in my twenties I was in an office building at the end of the day. It was 5 pm and pitch dark. A north American winter.

I had just been getting to know a man I met in an improv theater class. We had gone out to dinner and had a great conversation for hours.

Leaving my job, I got a phone call from him at my desk.

I had told him where I worked but never given him the number. He had looked up the organization in the phone book, called the main reception, and tracked me down.

I laughed and said “no problem” but I had just a wee bit of a weird feeling, or a question, or a slight spark of alertness.

I ignored it.

The building emptied out, people waving goodbye to me as they passed my door, and soon I was the only person left.

I continued on the phone with my new friend, flirting, joking around, but then he said “Hey, I just got to your work, I’m parked out front.”

Uh. Too much. Too fast. Too intense. Not invited.

Fear raced through my veins.

I said I wasn’t done working, which was actually true, but I normally wouldn’t have stayed at my office to finish my tasks that day, I would have taken them home.

After some light conversation, he told me he was leaving.

I stayed at my desk for 2 hours, until the janitor arrived. I was frightened.

Let’s see what it would be like if back then I had The Work.

Is it true that it’s too much and therefore he should back off?

Yes. Then I wouldn’t have to say anything, or notice how much I don’t like this.

I want him to change, I want him to chill.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that he should? Am I sure that he should be different, rather than me?

No. Rats. I thought it would be easier for the other person to change.

I don’t like where this is going.

How do I react when I believe I need to escape, it’s too much, I can’t handle it, they are too big, loud, noisy, overbearing, scary, intense…whatever that other person does TOO MUCH of?

I squirm. I get really frightened. I run. I avoid.

But who would I be without the thought that he was too forward, too pushy, too grabby, too full of assumptions, too…..too?

I love this question. So beautiful. So fun.

There that person is, being chaotic, busy, wild, excessive, extreme, surprising….and you do not have the thought that there’s no way to handle it but to run for the hills?

I’d feel clear, direct, focused, aware. I’d tell the truth.

I’m surprised you’re here. It feels strange to me. It’s odd that you tracked me down at work, I don’t want to talk with you while at my job. I can’t see you right now. I’m uncomfortable with what you’re doing. I’m not able to meet you. I hear you, and my answer is no. 

Even parents have trouble with their thoughts and a screaming child, along these lines.

Who would THEY be without the belief that it’s too much, too big, too loud for them to handle? That their kid is wrong for being the way they are being, and should stop, NOW?

“We perceive something as an enemy, when all we need to do is be present with it. It’s just love arising in a form that we haven’t understood yet…..Your enemy is the teacher who shows you what you haven’t healed yet….(and that doesn’t mean you have to invite them to dinner). No one can be my enemy until I perceive him as threatening what I believe.” ~ Byron Katie

I turn the thoughts around: they should be this way, they are not too much, I can say yes or no and be totally honest, I am receiving good information, there is no disappointment, upset, or defense needed.

I am safe, clear.

If that form is love arising then I am love arising too.

Complete freedom. No need to be against them. Honest expression. Truth.

I speak with strength from my heart, with love that is like a strong rod, rooted in the earth. I care for myself, I care for them.

“Negative feelings are in you, not in reality. Stop trying to change reality. That’s crazy! Stop trying to change the other person. We spend all our time and energy trying to change external circumstances, trying to change our spouses, our bosses, our friends, our enemies and everybody else. We don’t have to change anything. Negative feelings are in YOU.” ~ Anthony DeMello

Thank you Big Crazy Love for showing up. It showed me every time where I needed to be more real, gentle, expressive, kind…

….and to express my own big crazy love, not just for that other person, but most of all, for me. 

What would it be like if YOU were your number one biggest fan, and you held yourself, took care of yourself, loved and trusted yourself, did the kindest thing you could imagine for yourself, rescued yourself, in the presence of that tough person?

Best. Relationship. Ever.

With love, Grace

Posted on

Missing Real Life By Trying To Achieve Something

There is nothing like a group to encourage, celebrate, learn, connect, and challenge your personal perceptions of the world.

The group doesn’t have to be big.

The group can even be a group of two.

But that contact with another serves as one of the most incredible opportunities for juicy, visceral awakening to who you are that is possible.

This past week I got to be with incredible people from several countries and continents, in two different groups.

The first? We were all gathered around big round tables with white table cloths in a conference room at a hotel. Food, hot drink, kind faces, people sharing.

The second? People sitting close on couches and soft chairs in a living room, tea mugs nearby, food on the kitchen island. People sharing.

The first was for business leadership, the second for spiritual leadership. Me being a leader in my own life.

And yet, not so much. 

More like learning to STOP leading!

Here’s why:

As I sat in the company of other amazing people, I became aware of how little I can manage, how there is nothing really necessary to do, and how much the thought “I have to achieve something”all by myself has been stressful.

Let’s take a look with The Work.

Have you ever had the belief that you need to achieve, build, create, go for something, get something, understand, accomplish, manage, attend to, grow, win?

Most people have.

There are books written on how to accomplish and build, on how to win. Including spiritual awareness or enlightenment. Definitely on business.

But it is really true?

Are you sure you need to plan, control, manage, drive or build something?

Yes! I say yes! I need to work at it! Give myself pep talks (or get them from other people)!

Go Go Go! Success is coming!

However, can I really know it’s absolutely true that I need to lead? That I really do need to achieve something?

Not at all. Not when I think about it.

Nothing really has to be done or accomplished…at least not by me.

The groups prove it.

I get this body, called Grace, over to that location where there’s been an agreed-upon time and we all connect, listen, contemplate and feel alive together.

Sometimes there’s aggravation with others, or one other person…oh good. Inquiry time.

Sometimes there’s a feeling of great unity and joy.

But all that’s required is being there and noticing, watching the mind have its opinions about where or what you’re supposed to be.

Who would I be without the thought that I need to achieve something, soon, or tomorrow, or yesterday?

Without the thought that I need to be something bigger and better than I am?

Completely and totally free.

“If you are content with being nobody in particular, content not to stand out, you align yourself with the power of the universe. What looks like weakness to the ego is in fact the only true strength. This spiritual truth is diametrically opposed to the values of our contemporary culture and the way it conditions people to behave.” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

I turn the thought around: I do NOT need to achieve anything. I do not need to be better, more improved, or different than I am. 

Wow. Could that be true?

Because what I notice is that achievement happens, I grow, leadership gets developed, learning and connections occur.

“The miracle of love comes to you in the presence of the uninterpreted moment. If you are mentally somewhere else, you miss real life.” ~ Byron Katie

I adore showing up to hang with other people. I love them all, the new friends and the old.

Together, we all do, say, think, feel, live.

Joy!

Nothing required. Imagine that.

With love, Grace

P.S. If you’re wanting a group to journey with for a whole year in self-inquiry using The Work then join us on Fridays, March 7, 2014 – February 2015. We dive in, get to know each other deeply, and live honestly. It’s wonderful.

 

Posted on

Fear Loves You To Fight It

Dreams can be really disturbing. The ones you have at night, when you’re sleeping.

Random, chaotic, funny…..or horrifying.

The other night I woke up terrified because I was falling off a cliff. I’ve had this dream before. During a meditation retreat.

The body reacts as if the dream really happened. I woke up with my heart beating wildly, and adrenaline shooting through my veins.

Sometimes people say it’s hard to shake the nightmare when they have one, it may haunt them for awhile during their day.

Movies can bring on the same physical reactions. It’s like we’re on an emotional ride with the characters we’re watching.

We start sobbing when someone dies, or grit our teeth when someone does mean, bullying things.

Often when people have bad dreams, or see unsettling movies, they will they exclaim that they wish they could forget about it.

God, I wish I’d stop feeling so scared, quit picturing that awful scene. I wish I hadn’t ever seen that film! I wish I didn’t ever have that nightmare! What’s wrong with my mind, showing me such rotten, freaky scenarios! Jeez! 

We don’t want to bring up a bad memory, either.

I wish it would GO AWAY. I wish I would forget that ever happened!

The thing is, resisting the dream, being against it, pushing it away, believing that you need to forget about it ASAP….

…often brings on the opposite of what you’re seeking: more fear, anger, worry, dread.

When I used to compulsively eat, my fear was obvious. The eating was frantic, secretive, like a big scream. I ate fast, viciously and feverishly. Like I was starving to death.

Some people eat, or smoke, or drink, or engage in all the tons of other kinds of addictive behaviors like shopping or computer surfing out of a similar fear….dread, worry, nervousness, anxiety.

What if we took a look at that feeling of fear, and questioned our judgments of it, using The Work?

Is it true that the images you see should go away, that you should be calm, not anxious…that you should be relaxed instead of triggered?

Yes! Of course! Who wants to be haunted by a bad dream, or a scary movie?

Are you crazy?

Can you absolutely know that it’s true, without doubt…I mean do you really know that whatever has frightened you should vanish from your mind?

That you should forget it? Like it never happened?

No. Apparently there’s memory, visions, images, remembering over and over, revisiting, looking.

I have no idea if that shouldn’t occur.

Your answer may still be “yes” though. You may feel the dream should stop scaring you, should stop being there in your mind.

So how do you react when you believe the thought that whatever has frightened you should leave? That the fear itself should vanish, ASAP?

For me…I spent a lot of time running.

Quick! Distract yourself! Quick! Find the scary thing and kill it! Quick! Find comfort! Quick! Slam the door and lock it!

I shouldn’t have this feeling! I hate this feeling! I can’t stand this feeling!

But who would you be without the thought? Without the belief that fear, anxiety, nervousness or dread will destroy you and should be avoided?

Strange, right? Without the thought that Fear Is Bad?

I would be a little more open to it. I’d allow it to be as it is. It’s an energy. A wave. It comes and goes.

I’d notice I have no control over this thing called “fear”.

If I wasn’t against fear, I wouldn’t attack the things that produced it, like movies or bad dreams (or people).

I wouldn’t protect myself with such care, making sure I don’t ever feel fear or anxiety.

Without the thought that fear must be gotten rid of…must leave…?

I’d be so much more open, inviting more in, not running away. Standing on solid ground, rooted, willing, letting go.

Without the thought that feeling fear is a terrible thing, I’d take a huge deep breath, and then another.

I turn the thought around:  

This sensation, this image, this mental picture, this feeling….. should stay. This horrible scene in my mind is OK to allow to be there. This wretched memory doesn’t absolutely have to go. 

As odd as it may seem, when I allow everything to stay right here, including the terror of death-by-falling-off-a-cliff it begins to look lighter.

Letting that bad, terrible scene you really experienced be there, instead of fighting to get rid of it, you may finally find your sweet relief.

“This energy of fear loves a good fight. It’s an internal bully. It LOVES for you to try to get rid of it. To try to transcend it. To try to go beyond it. Fear loves it, it feeds on it. The more you try not to be afraid, the more afraid you get. The more you try not to be anxious, the more anxiety you feel….[Instead], grant permission for almost infinite space for fear and anxiety.” ~ Adyashanti

What I notice is, I can’t get rid of fear. Fear happens.

Nightmares or dreams, or vivid memories occur. They fill the mind’s eye.

But letting these pictures be there is honest.

I’m afraid.

When I don’t argue with reality, I feel afraid, and then I feel space, or I feel comfort, or I feel love.

I live through frightening things. I live through feelings of fear.

“In my experience, we don’t make thoughts appear, they just appear. One day, I noticed that their appearance just wasn’t personal. Noticing that really makes it simpler to inquire.” ~ Byron Katie 

Don’t be afraid of your fear, your pictures of fear, your fearful dreams, your fearful memories.

You are here despite them all.

All is well.

With love, Grace

 

Posted on

I’ll Never Live The Good Life Money Worries

Yesterday morning was the very last session of the current Money telegroup.

Our assignment together….think of the worst that could happen

to you when it comes to money.

People had visions of living on the street, pushing a cart, moving into a basement somewhere, losing every thing, sleeping in a car….

….but not only these frightening visions of homelessness or poverty, there was another troubling belief that rose to the surface from one participant’s worksheet:

I will never live the good life.

I can relate.

I may be surviving, I may even be able to pay for the repair guy to come fix the dishwasher, I’ve paid for my kid’s private school tuition, I may get my car to the shop for broken brakes, I can buy any kind of bread I want–even the $6 loaf from the local organic bakery.

BUT.

I’m not living the good life…the premium life.

That life over there where people drive fancy cars, custom order $2000 shoes, go to the spa, take private jet rides, throw big parties by the sea, and donate $1 million to charity (in case you were wondering where Mother Teresa went).

Last weekend (OK, on my crutches still since you asked, did you have to remind me?) I went to a most breath-taking gathering with a bunch of exquisite new friends.

We’re all in a program together. These people were kind, fun, creative business owners. Many solo entrepreneurs.

Like me.

We were all going to eat dinner together, and Stan invited us over to his place instead of out to a restaurant.

I didn’t know Stan, but I could tell he was a real sweetheart.

OK, I’ll go.

Off we all went, drivers getting maps on their phones, explanations, people putting in the GPS address and pointing off in the direction we’d be headed.

Then we were all there, unloading, parking, laughing.

Through a gate, we entered a courtyard. Off to the left, an indoor basketball court, to the right a tasteful row of 6 garage doors.

Then, through a spectacular arch-way entrance into a gorgeous lodge-like living room with beautiful leather couches, mission-style beams up high across the ceiling.

One part of the huge living room wall slid open, like a theater, to a garden patio, with a deep blue swimming pool in a cove shape, and luxurious outdoor furniture and tables.

I marveled with the beauty of what humans can build. The creativity, the design.

Part way into the evening, people talking, eating, playing music, having drinks….I had the thought “this is the good life”. 

But I’m only invited. I didn’t MAKE this good life. I didn’t invent it, create it, or build it.

Stan did.

My mind, as if something’s suddenly occurring to that Voice, kicks in and says “How did he do it? Why didn’t I start thinking about money and following the bread crumbs earlier in life? I should have studied business 30 years ago, I should have…”

Right then, literally as my mind is starting to light a match under thoughts of inadequacy, slight melancholy, the feeling like I’m watching this life from an outside window looking through, another new friend plops down next to me.

“You’re gonna have a challenge with all this, aren’t you?” he says with a twinkle in his eye.

What a sweet, powerful, wonderful question! So intimate!

We then had the best discussion EVER. About money, mind, thinking, beliefs, past experiences, history, future.

Looking back now a few days later, and being in inquiry deeply with fellow companions this morning, I realize how exciting it is to be without the concepts, imagining who I would be again without my story of money:….

“that is far away from this…the good life is over there, not here….I am inadequate, not doing it right…I should have done it differently…there’s something missing…”

Today, we found the most precious examples and the crisp, clear turnarounds: I will always live the good life, I will never live the bad life.

As peoples’ voices choked up with gratitude and realization for the goodness of this life they have lived….they remembered all the really difficult stuff they’ve experienced, with appreciation.

This included sudden death of loved ones, losing possessions, feeling completely alone, having things destroyed, being left behind.

“All you want is to be happy. All your desires, whatever they may be, are longing for happiness. Basically, you wish yourself well…desire by itself is not wrong…….[But] to imagine that some little thing–food, sex, power, fame–will make you happy is to deceive oneself. Only something as vast and deep as your real self can make you truly and lastingly happy.”~ Nisargadatta 

One thing I know. My real self goes with me everywhere, just like you.

It is walking down the street past a dumpster, it is gazing into an artistic blue and white glass fire pit in Stan’s amazing back yard, it is breathing deeply all the air that is supplied, without needing to do anything for it.

“Many of us are motivated by a desire for success. But what is success? What do we want to achieve? We do only three things in life: We stand, we sit, we lie horizontal. Once we’ve found success, we’ll still be sitting somewhere, until we stand, and we’ll stand until we lie down or sit again. Success is a concept, an illusion. Do you want the $3900 chair instead of the $39 one? Well, sitting is sitting. Without a story, we’re successful wherever we are.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

If you want to join the next 8 week money telegroup, we begin again on Thursday, January 31st at 1:00-2:30 pm Pacific time.

And yes, I am developing this class for personal format, so you can follow along on your own and listen to audio. Stay tuned.

With love, Grace