Category: The Work of Byron Katie

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Do I Want Security or Freedom?

The other day I was remembering how I used to be when I felt upset. I might feel afraid, or angry, hurt, or sad.

Back then, I wouldn’t have any way of considering that I might be filling my entire body, my psyche, my mind, my spirit with frightening images, terrified beliefs, disturbing thoughts.

I might feel terrible because I perceived danger, or something bad had happened. I’d get overwhelmed very fast.

Like those flashes on a screen that cause subliminal desire for popcorn. The mind took in a photo so fast, but your full consciousness didn’t register. You didn’t “know” you were just shown a photo of popcorn.

That’s how my relationship with food felt….like some weird subconscious, uncontrollable cravings or trance-like states would come over me.

It would seem like I just started eating.

When I entered therapy to find help in understanding my behavior, desperate to heal it, I discovered that most of my life I was not sure how I was going to feel from one moment to the next.

And I hated this!

I wanted to feel GOOD, and safe, and loved, and comfortable…all the time.

If I felt unloved, threatened, and uncomfortable….danger.

To change the feelings, eating was my number one go-to activity. If I was angry, I would eat with anger, shoving in food and hardly tasting it. If I was sad, I would eat very comforting foods, more slowly, but eating until stuffed. If I was terrified I would eat quickly, gulping it down, hiding behind a closed curtain in my apartment.

Drinking often worked, too, although I would drink alcohol with other people, not so much alone, and it seemed to make me less nervous around humans.

Smoking had a way of changing the channel as well. Kind of a slow, deep breath, stepping outside somewhere, a way to pause, wait, stop.

But eating. Wow. That was rough! (No kidding, a decade of bingeing, vomiting and hating myself…definitely rough).

An awesome therapist I had suggested keeping a binge journal. Writing down my feelings when I ate cray-cray.

At first, I hated the idea and wouldn’t even do it. Then, I tried reluctantly. I would think “I hate that this is on paper, so embarrassing, so awful.”

But then, as I read my own writing….I discovered that when I overate or had a huge craving to binge, or started graze eating or dreaming of food when I wasn’t hungry….

….I was always afraid, angry, sad, lonely and thinking in pretty extreme ways.

When I got more involved in studying addiction, in graduate school, and by getting close to people in 12 step programs of every kind, I felt a kinship.

I started to realize that I had a very deep and abiding fear of darkness. A dark, gripping, haunting dread of…emptiness, death, destruction, aloneness.

I thought I was alone.

But it turned out, other people felt the same way.

“How do I react when I think the thought? I see the images…and then I experience the emotions….and if I’m an addict, I’ll use. I mean, afterall, life isn’t worth living anyway. I’m so depressed and no one can help me–THIS helps though. So I grab my drug of choice, my drink of choice, my partner of choice, my gaming….We all know how we react when we’re depressed….Anything to change the emotions.” ~ Byron Katie

What was one of the most stressful, painful thoughts that had to be in place to even want to binge eat?

“The world is a dangerous place.” 

Killer thought.

It puts you on alert, makes you sad, makes you feel lonely (because Other People are a part of the dangerous world), makes you build your defenses, and work hard at being careful.

So let’s take a look, with The Work.

Is it true that the world is a dangerous place?

Well, duh. The only way out is death. Everyone dies. Everything is temporary. Love is temporary, connection is unstable, people leave, people attack, there’s not enough for everyone, people suffer here!

OK, before you see every image in your mind of death, war, bombs, starvation, disease and terror…..

….see if it’s absolutely true that the world is a dangerous place?

You might still say yes. Accidents can happen here. Right? Although, lots of fun, miraculous, spectacular stuff goes on as well. Life, love, change, evolution, invention, joy.

But. Well. I’m still not sure. I see lots of dangerous stuff in my head.

How do you react when you believe the thought that the world is a dangerous place?

Very careful, cautious, quiet….sometimes grabbing moments of giddiness and connection with other special people (lovers, family, friends), acting like there’s no tomorrow so do whatever today I want, pretending I don’t care.

Who would you be without that belief?

This could take a moment.

Without the thought that the world is a dangerous place? Like all that bad stuff isn’t…dangerous?

Hmmm.

“The Unknown is more vast, more open, more peaceful, and more freeing than you ever imagined it would be. If you don’t experience it that way, it means you’re not resting there; you’re still trying to know. That will cause you to suffer because you’re choosing security over Freedom. When you rest deeply in the Unknown without trying to escape, your experience becomes very vast.” ~ Adyashanti 

I turn the thought around: the world is a safe place. It is my mind that is a dangerous place.

Well, now, that explains why I am having a horrible time in my apartment, eating, when the person next door is having a wonderful time in theirs.

And this turnaround does not mean I am a terrible person, I’ve just given my mind a terrible project—believe the world is a dangerous place and react when I see the proof that this is true.

I spend time considering that the world is a safe place, is not a dangerous place. I see that the world is indeed a wonderful, safe, amazing place. I’m only here for a short time. How would I know that this isn’t ingenious?

What if that darkness is my friend? Even if I’m not so sure yet…just the very possibility that it is my friend feels…exciting. Thrilling. Joyful.

With the thought that darkness is safe…or at least not dangerous…what do you notice about your urge to eat?

“Some of you, your mind is not open, and don’t expect it to be. There will be windows when you’re willing, just be gentle…..It can only be what I’m thinking and believing that causes depression, not me. Not me.” ~ Byron Katie 

Much love, Grace

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Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend Coming 4/4

I wanted to let you all know that I’ll be offering my non-residential weekend Horrible Food Wonderful Food, limited to 14, Friday night April 4 – April 6th….in only a month.

The weekend is an ever-expanded in-depth look at the stressful beliefs that I found to be in place that created overeating, binge-eating, obsession with healthy eating, or diet mentality.

I share with you what I found that freed me from that cycle, and you identify what you’re thinking that causes you to stay stuck in yours.

Then, we’ll take these stressful beliefs to inquiry, using The Work of Byron Katie.

This weekend will offer a great tool for your tool box in your journey of healing compulsive or emotional eating…or just thinking too much about weight, or food.

Sign up by writing to me at grace@workwithgrace.com or clicking this button here: undefined

“Our work is not to change what you do, but to witness what you do with enough awareness, enough curiosity, enough tenderness that the lies and old decisions upon which the compulsion is based become apparent and fall away. When you no longer believe that eating will save your life when you feel exhausted or overwhelmed or lonely, you will stop. When you believe in yourself more than you believe in food, you will stop using food as if it were your only chance at not falling apart. When the shape of your body no longer matches the shape of your beliefs, the weight disappears.” ~ Geneen Roth 

Could it possibly be true that witnessing, looking at what you’re thinking, and questioning it, is enough?

Yes. It has been for me.

Join me for the weekend next month.

Much love, Grace

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Failing At Life? It’s Only A Thought

In our last Eating Peace class yesterday morning, we were looking at underlying beliefs….

…not just about eating, food, bodies, weight…

…but underlying beliefs about LIFE.

As people read their work, their painful concepts they held sometimes about life and living, their lists were deep, sad, terrifying, upsetting and dark.

But no one was alone in thinking them.

“There are no new thoughts.” ~ Byron Katie 

One thought that several people identified was “I am a failure at life”. 

This thought appears very softly, in a little whisper….or very loud, in a scream. Either way, it’s wonderful to question.

Is it true that you are a failure at life?

Even in that ONE area…you know the one. That moment that wasn’t up to par, that exchange that you screwed up, that result that didn’t happen, the outcome that wasn’t optimal, that mess you made in the past.

Was that a failure?

Yes. I know what success looks like. Not that.

Are you positive? Was it a 100% failure? By YOU? Your fault?

No.

How do you react when you believe the thought?

Tired, sad, annoyed at the other person (or people) involved, angry, seeing the faults in many, desperate for change, hopeless.

Who would you be without that belief?

If you just landed here from another planet—BOOM—you’re a person named (insert your name here). Go.

If you were a flower growing in a garden.

If you were a tree in a forest.

What would it be like, without that thought that you are a failure at living? What would it feel like? What can you imagine? How would you walk down the street? How might you eat dinner?

“When your image of the me takes a break, you’ll find all you are doing at that moment is just being open. You feel quite relieved that you are not trying to get to another moment or a better experience. You feel yourself just being in a very relaxed, easy sense of peace. You haven’t gained anything at all–you’re not smarter, you don’t necessarily know more than anyone else, and you haven’t suddenly become holy.” ~ Adyashanti 

Turn the thought around: I am a success at living. 

Could this be as true, or truer?

Are you alive? Breathing, heart beating, observing this world from your area.

Is just being you enough? What if it was?

I chuckle at the other turnarounds: My thinking is a failure at living…it’s not actually supposed to be successful at living. It comes and goes in whisps and fits, highs and lows, appearing, disappearing. Thoughts live and die.

Another turnaround: I am a failure at dying. So far, this is true. I apparently inhabit a human body. That is still alive. And even after the body is dead, it will turn into earth or ashes and carry on in other formats.

Perhaps, there is no success, or failure. Wow.

“You may realize that most of your life you made the present moment into an enemy. You didn’t say “yes” to it, didn’t embrace it. You were out of alignment with the now, and so life became a struggle. It seemed so normal, because everyone around you lived in the same way. The amazing thing is: Life, the great intelligence that pervades the entire cosmos, becomes supportive when you say “yes” to it. Where is life? Here. Now.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

How would you go about your usual day today, without the belief that you are failing, once failed in the past, or could ever truly fail again?

In a few hours, if you’d like to join a 90 minute free telecall to do The Work together, you’ll get the opportunity to investigate a painful situation in your life, and question an underlying belief about it.

Here are the dial-in instructions:

Primary dial in number: (425) 440-5100
Secondary dial in number: (206) 494-4023
Guest pin code: 305799#

Skype: enter “joinconference” right into your keypad where you normally dial a phone number (no spaces). When you are prompted for the pin code, open your key pad again and enter it.

Extra help for skype users: Click HERE.

Finally, if you’d like to connect via computer and not participate “live” then at the time of the call but only listen in, click here.

Let’s do The Work. A tiny shift in thinking, today, could change your life.

Much love, Grace

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Free Telecall Doing The Work March 6th 8:30 am Pacific Time

Everyone interested in a cost-free telecall tomorrow (3/6), come join me live for 90 minutes to do The Work together at 8:30 am Pacific Time.

This will give you a little taste of what it’s like to work on a conference call from the privacy of your own nest, your office with the door closed….

….or maybe like some, you’ll dial-in from your local coffee house and follow along even though you’re on “mute”.

All you need to bring is a pen and paper, and your open mind.

Here’s the dial-in instructions:

Primary dial in number: (425) 440-5100
Secondary dial in number: (206) 494-4023
Guest pin code: 305799#

Skype: enter “joinconference” right into your keypad where you normally dial a phone number (no spaces). When you are prompted for the pin code, open your key pad again and enter it.

Extra help for skype users: Click HERE.

Finally, if you’d like to connect via computer and not participate “live” then at the time of the call but only listen in, click here.

I’m so looking forward to doing The Work with you on Thursday, March 6th at 8:30 am. At the end there will be an opportunity to ask questions about Year of Inquiry which starts Friday.

Much love, Grace

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Joining YOI Helps YOU Do The Work

Many people have written with questions about the upcoming Year of Inquiry group that starts this coming Friday.

Here’s a summary:

  • We all meet via phone or skype three times a month for 90 minutes, Fridays 9 am Pacific Time
  • We have a private, closed email forum for sharing, questions, breakthroughs and inquiry in writing
  • Everyone in YOI gets to know one another extremely well in a very unique way—not by the usual life details, but through questioning shared stressful beliefs
  • Each month there is a different unique topic for inquiry. We watch a video at the beginning of the month (Byron Katie) and fill out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on a situation in our own life relating to that topic.
  • I partner everyone in YOI with someone else in the group for the month, to trade facilitations. Through this partnering, you learn how to facilitate and be facilitated, and get to know your brethren in inquiry.
  • You can pay monthly, or all at once, or in 3 payments, it’s up to you.
  • There is no written contract for participating, but it’s best if your intention is to stay engaged for a year…and, this is the last YOI that will be in this particular format and this low fee

I created this format because for me, personally, I simply didn’t seem to sit down, write out my thoughts, or slow down long enough….even when I was in pain….to make doing The Work a regular practice.

And I didn’t want to feel desperate for mind-change anymore. I wanted to work with what This is, the life I was apparently living, with a sense of relaxation.

Careful, gentle self-reflection comes easy and quickly to some people.

And then there are the rest of us.

I knew when I listened to Byron Katie on recording, and when I read her book Loving What Is that there was a powerful message.

But I always thought that message was somewhere other than me, like inside Katie herself, or in some other place of wisdom. I thought that doing this work wouldn’t really result in peace unless I got some special insight.

Answer four questions? Then turn what I’m thinking around?

What good is that going to do?! I need bigger guns! I need an inpatient program! I need a fairy godmother! A change of consciousness! Enlightenment!

Are you sure that’s what you need?

What if it really is true that all you actually need, is what all the great teachers have said, including Byron Katie, for all the ages….

…..your own honest answers. Trusting yourself. Being your own best friend.

What if all you need is to honestly clearly identify what it is you are believing and question this, and use YOUR imagination to see another way?

“Self-realization is the sweetest thing. It shows us how we are fully responsible for ourselves, and that is where we find our freedom. Rather than being other-realized, you can be self-realized. Instead of looking to us for your fulfillment, you can find it in yourself……to put The Work into action, begin with the voice inside you that’s telling you what we should do. Realize that it’s actually telling YOU what to do…..There is no peace in the world until you find peace within yourself in this moment.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’ve noticed that you like the idea of doing The Work, but you don’t actually do it (I don’t have time, it doesn’t really work, I get bored, I can’t stay with my answers, so what) then consider joining us.

Year Of Inquiry is here!

Write me at grace@workwithgrace.com to talk about it.

Much love,

Grace

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The Brutality of Hating Neediness

Recently several clients have been sitting with the very uncomfortable feeling, and idea, that they are longing for attention, approval, connection, contact.

If only that person would have given me more. If only she would have given me a sign that I was supported. If only he would have said he loved me, or given me a hug, or smiled. If only they would have given me a higher grade. If only they would have said I was welcome.

Many of us see the longing inside for being approved of, just for ourselves, without having to “do” anything better, or different.

Long ago, a dear friend was facilitating me through my belief that someone else I knew shouldn’t be so dang needy.

He is so desperate, clingy, full of questions, demanding my attention, insecure, sucking the life from me and other people too, pushing for approval, unstable, dramatic.

He is sooooo needy, it’s so gross, I’m disgusted. Can’t he pull it together and stop being age five? He’s a grown man, for godssakes.

As my friend asked me the questions known as The Work, I started feeling less angry and irritated….

….and more worried.

Uh oh.

Houston, I think we have a situation here.

Neediness is bad. 

Is it true?

Yes. Ewww.

I would never be like that. I will never ask for anything. I won’t impose. I will do everything possible to make sure no one ever, ever thinks I am needy. Because ewww.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that neediness is bad?

Yes. I can hardly stand it when that other person is needy, and I can’t stand it when I myself am needy.

I’ll do The Work right now just to get to that detached place where I find everything I need only inside myself, without ever asking for a single thing…..right?

Um, yeah. How’s that working to have the end result in mind already? The vision of pure, detached, pristine unneediness….ahhhhh.

So how do you react when you believe the thought that neediness is bad?

I RUN AWAY FROM ANYONE WHO HAS BIG NEEDS!

I run away from my own needs. If people are crawling and grabbing for food, I make sure to drop any that is in my own hands, because otherwise I’ll be overwhelmed with grabby consuming energy and they’ll eat me alive!

Get away, slam the door, shut down the engines. Like the submarine at the bottom of the ocean, be super quiet and wait for the Big Seeking Needy energy to pass by overhead.

Not exactly peaceful.

So who would you be without the thought that Neediness is Bad?

Pause.

Hard to even find it at first. I wait.

I imagine clingy needy man in my presence saying “I am desperate, I neeeeeeeeeeeed you.” But without the thought that his neediness is bad, wrong, horrible or impossible.

Dang. That is weird. Very different.

Without that thought that the needs of someone could be bad for me, in any way, I’m not shutting down. I’m not frightened. I’m up on the surface of the ocean, open to the sky, the water, the sea, the other crafts, the life. Not hiding under the surface.

Without the belief that neediness is bad, I have compassion for that person who thinks he is desperate, and I also know that he is OK.

I feel the Yes or No within me to move towards that person, or not.

No emergency.

No emergency for my own needs, but no ignoring them either! If I am thirsty, I get up and go get a glass of water.

If I would like someone to say “I love you, you are awesome at x, I appreciate your contribution” then I might ask people I know for genuine, honest feedback and let them know I would like them to share positive feedback because I’m afraid, for now, of the negative (if I am).

I might laugh, with joy and humor, and my own mundane needs and neediness. I would honor them. That is where I am, at that moment. It’s OK.

Turning the thought around: Neediness is Good. 

Holy Moly, really?

Well, I know it’s good to experience the sensation of hunger (I used to think it was bad). Because then I go find some food, which it turns out is generally necessary on this planet, for me.

Who am I to oppose the way of it, the way of reality that appears to have hunger/fullness, wanting/satisfaction, desire/manifestation, hoping/end of hoping?

“Why should we go looking for more than we are, when we are what we are looking for? Beware of a misguided longing, for it leads in the end to brutality.” ~ Adyashanti 

Thank you, neediness, for driving me out to somewhere else, for it shows me that everything is temporary that I want to grab. It shows me the brutality of my own mind’s secret disappointment.

Byron Katie tells a story of seeing a stranger in a shopping mall, and feeling horrified at the woman’s age, pain, stench, and slowness.

Katie said as she saw this woman and felt trapped, that inquiry arose almost immediately.

“What would I be without the thought?….The horror was equivalent to a deep gentleness, a caressing, a full, immovable acceptance. There was no discomfort. It began, from its new position, to celebrate the whole life of itself, to love itself….There was no longer even the slightest desire to be anywhere else.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the belief that neediness of any kind, in any way, should not exist….I am not against your need, the body’s need, the heart’s need, the neediness that is believed to be true.

I feel neediness with a gentleness, a caressing, a full, immovable acceptance, and know that all is very, very well and nothing is required.

Year of Inquiry starts in one week only. I will close enrollment on Thursday, March 6th. Click here to read more about it. Year of Inquiry YOI.

If you are deeply interested, then please email me grace@workwithgrace.com to have a conversation to make sure it’s right for you.

Member of YOI: “It still amazes me to be so well received. I feel closer to you all than people I have known for decades. What a gift you all are and I thank my lucky stars!”

Much love, Grace

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I Have To Do Something! Like Eat!

Since I’ve been teaching the Eating Peace teleclass (next week is our last group) I’ve thought once again about that strange, terrible and rather amazing experience of being overwhelmed with compulsion, the belief that I MUST DO THIS or I MUST HAVE THIS that descends in a binge.

This doesn’t happen with only binge eating. There are many other activities that people experience as compulsive, obsessive, trance-like activities.

There are the ones we all know about: eating, smoking, drinking, gambling, exercising, pornography, internet surfing, television…

…but it’s not the actual activity or substance that’s the “problem”.

If you went to live on the moon, where they don’t have any alcohol, then the substance of alcohol might be gone, but what was the reason you were drinking it in the first place?

Because there are reasons.

At a deep level, the reason I used to binge-eat and feel totally out of control was because I was panicked about my feelings.

I was truly terrified of quite a few things: people criticizing me, the unknown of the future, my sense of being lost and separate in a difficult world, my thoughts that life is hard, brutal and scary.

I was very afraid of the lack of love I experienced, and when it came on really strong….I ate.

It’s the same with someone who uses drugs, smokes something, or who can’t stop thinking about a love relationship.

(I’ve heard this called a “love junkie”. That sounds about right. Been there, done that, too).

It can feel difficult to get at the root “problem”, the core of the experience.

But here’s the good news: you don’t have to fully know what the problem actually is.

You can very simply know that you are scared, muddled, confused, terrified, angry, despairing….and your thoughts about feeling these kinds of feelings is that you can’t stand it.

Quick! Change the channel! I’m frightened!

Next thing you know, you’re stuffing your face, or thinking about beer.

Recently, when I heard of Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s death from heroin, after 26 years sobriety, I wondered what was going on in his life that he thought escaping was the best plan.

Escaping from his feelings. Escaping from having to “stand it”.

In 26 years of not using, my thought is that he distracted himself in other more subtle, less destructive ways all that time. But it was still distraction. Avoidance.

I’ve met people who can’t stop taking self-improvement workshops, or attending non-dual speaker events. Ahem. Oh right. That might have been me.

With The Work, I love taking this powerful, brilliant, creative “mind” and considering the simple belief “I have to do something.”

Is it true?

Are you positive you have to do something to help you stop being anxious, afraid, or confused in this moment?

Are you sure you have to do anything, at all?

Who would you be if you didn’t believe you have to do anything? If you sat in a chair until you got up because you want to, not because you have to?

Even if it looks like someone thinks you’re horrible, you’ve had a great loss, you’ve got a disease, you’re a bundled of inexplicable feelings, you aren’t enlightened yet, you aren’t a good person (I’d question that)…

…who would you be without the thought that you have to do something, like eat?

What might happen then? If you feel frightened, and did nothing?

“With inquiry, it can’t be learned like ‘a way’. It can’t be controlled. There’s nothing you can ever know about it. You ask the questions and you don’t ever know what’s going to come up. That’s why it’s so difficult for some of you to answer the questions. You’re entering a universe that you cannot control. So we try to figure it out before we answer it, and that keeps the answer underneath it, it keeps the mystery hidden. And we’re afraid of what we can’t know, or control. Inquiry is new territory.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’re frightened, like I once was (and still am sometimes) to sit and be with the unknown, without doing anything, and you’re not sure if you will explode unless you do….

….and you’d like to stay in inquiry with the mystery out there ahead of you….

….start today to be with questions, instead of answers. Is it OK not to know what’s going to happen, or what you should do, and that you can’t stand it?

“You work on this for your freedom, not to get something.” ~ Byron Katie

“There are no requirements and no prerequisites to awaken. There is nothing to be done, nothing to think, nowhere to go.

Just stop all dreaming. Stop all doing. Stop all excuses. Just stop and be still. Effortlessly be still. Grace will do the rest”. ~ Adyashanti

If you’d like to sit with the questions without running, even by staying in them every week with a group on the telephone together….then Year of Inquiry YOI. It starts March 7th.

Much love, Grace

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Your Inner Operating System Loves You

Strange the mind and this thing called “thinking”. What is thinking?

It often appears to have sound…a voice, or many voices, a direction out in front, an energy in the head, a force pulling inward into someplace dark.

Someone says “hold on, I need to think!” and we know they are saying they want quiet. Thought overload. Fast thought.

The other day I went to a movie called Her. Friends had recommended it.

I was intrigued when they said that a man falls in love, and has a relationship that actually evolves, with a Voice. His Operating System, an artificial intelligence, called Samantha.

Samantha the OS, of course, and lives inside his computer.

While there are many short little lines in the movie that made me laugh (such as “falling in love is a form of socially acceptable insanity”) there was one interesting.

This man ventures off to a hideaway cabin in the woods, in deep snow. Inside this cabin is warmth, light, movement, safety, a hot kettle. Outside the cold is bitter, the snow so deep it’s way above his knees.

In this scene, the man is alone, apparently, with a body. But his mind is talking, connecting, laughing with his operating system. He’s thrilled to go on this adventure into the wild, out of the city and away from daily life.

One of his friends had pointed out that he was man on the outside but woman on the inside. True, when you consider he has this very powerful and loud female voice in his ear.

And what’s it like when WE go somewhere by ourselves? When we go to a cabin, or a room, or on a walk, or even reading a book, or writing on a computer?

Is there not a Voice, or several voices, talking?

Don’t you sometimes long for one voice to rise above the others that feels loving, kind, that knows you well and is imminently and unconditionally concerned with your best interests, and with understanding you, and who sees the world as a wonderful place to explore?

Because the thoughts that we are bad for ourselves, or we make “bad” decisions, or that the world is detached or dangerous, are often unbelievably painful. Also heavy, depressing and lonely.

Then on top of the mean, vicious self-critical thoughts, we’ll also feel guilty that we’re having those thoughts at all.

When Those Mean Voices are inside the cabin with us, who the heck wants to go hang out in a cabin in the snow, right??

But a really loving, intimate, supportive voice that asks questions, listens, offers answers, and wants to explore….that kind of inner voice is luscious.

And that’s the voice that you can bring to The Work.

Wait. Before you start thinking you don’t HAVE an inner gorgeous OS that’s just right for you….let’s consider with The Work.

Say you are freaked out, anxious, enraged, abandoned, full of despair, horrified, frightened….

Well, there’s a voice talkin’ and it may not be the most supportive one you’ve ever tapped into. It may be the worry wart, or the one that believes in violence as a motivator. It probably believes that something has to change, maybe drastically, or else….

  • I’m too self-critical
  • I sabotage myself
  • I’m my own worst enemy
  • I’m too (quiet, greedy, addictive, nervous)
  • I should be more confident
  • I can’t stop “x”
  • I can’t stay motivated
  • I’m an idiot

So, is it true?

Yeah. I’ve been here over and over again. Just the fact that I repeat negative self-criticism is idiotic. It’s true.

Are you sure?

Well. First of all, who are you referring to, this “I” that is an idiot? This “I” that can’t stop, that isn’t confident, and is flawed?

Is all of you too greedy, quiet, selfish, addictive, or upset? Are you sure you’re the ruin of yourself?

No.

Even if you answered “yes”, keep going.

How do you react when you believe you are “x” and it must stop? How do you react when you think you are flawed, and need to snap out of it, get a clue?

I thought this over and over again when I had an eating disorder all those years ago. I believed I shouldn’t binge, smoke, drink, or harm myself.

Whip, whip, whip.

When I believed these thoughts, one way I reacted was that I thought finding a Nice Voice would be a huge relief. I believed that kind, loving voice was somewhere else, not here.

It’s kind of needy, seriously.

Who would you be without the thought that you are too “x”? That you have a mean inner voice? Or that you are needy?

Without the thought that you need to fix this ridiculous being that you are….

….you may just stop, puzzled, curious, waiting.

Without the thought that you are a jerk, or needy, you may find that you’re open to NOT having the company of anyone except YOU.

You may find yourself to be quite interesting. Fascinating. You may like empty space, silence, other people, and be basically fine with what happens.

I turn the thoughts around and feel them, and find examples:

  • I’m NOT too self-critical
  • I save myself
  • I’m my own best friend
  • I’m NOT too (quiet, greedy, addictive, nervous)
  • I shouldn’t be more confident
  • I can stop “x”
  • I can stay motivated
  • I’m brilliant

Could these be just as true, or truer?

Yes. And you can feel them. Find the benefits of being these things that you were considering to be flaws.

You’re not even sure what this “I” is, so maybe suddenly the goofiness of that might come clear. If the other Mean “I” is evident, the equal and opposite Loving “I” is also evident, in this world of duality.

Who would you be right now in this moment if you were your own best friend?

And what if you don’t even need your own friendship? Are you still breathing?

“Your inner voice guides you all day long to do simple things such as brush your teeth, drive to work, call your friend, or do the dishes. Even though it’s just another story, it’s a very short story, and when you follow the direction of the voice, that story ends. We are really alive when we live as simply as that open, waiting, trusting, and loving to do what appears in front of us now.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’d like to get on a telegroup call three times per month and have a collective committee of voices all of whom are supporting your operating system (or dismantling your critical beliefs)….then come join YOI. It starts March 7th.

Much love, Grace

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Guide For People Having Trouble Doing The Work

I’ve written a little guidebook for folks who aren’t really sure how to do The Work in a way that feels deeply beneficial.

Maybe it feels like it’s all up in your head, and not sinking down into your body…

….maybe it seems too complicated, too mental, and you’re not sure how questioning your story would change your life…

….maybe it makes you more confused or anxious than you were before you were trying to identify and question what you’re thinking.

Help! My mind is racing! How do I stop and do The Work??

Sometimes people in the Eating Peace class REALLY feel like this, since they may be looking at that urge to reach for something to soothe, avoid, diminish or change their uncomfortable FEELINGS.

Any compulsive or addictive process feels like this. EMERGENCY! I must DO THIS NOW!

Other people who don’t have addictions to substances at all feel this way sometimes, too. The feeling of stress, in whatever form or level, can be painful!

I’m anxious, nervous, sad, discouraged, unpredictable….I know what I’m FEELING….but I don’t know what I’m actually THINKING, so how can I follow the steps to take it to inquiry?

Well, hopefully this guide will help.

In it I write about four pillars, as I called them (I know, not terribly original, but a good foundation for a house after all, you know?)

Here they are: CONNECT, FEEL, BOND, IMAGINE.

If you’re a strong feeler, like me, and you want to find out what I mean by these four pillars, check out the guide.

If I can be of service around this process of inquiry, and the movement every human has towards awakening, freedom and love, then I hope this little book is useful.

Click HERE To Get Four-Pillar Guide To Doing The Work.

Forward this link to share it with friends and family.

Using these four elements really helped me deeply experience the impact of self-inquiry.

The “Bond” step is setting up your life so that you have connected contact with others doing the same work. This has been a very powerful way that I’ve stayed in inquiry, when I may not have done it on my own.

If joining with a group for weekly telecalls sounds awesome, we start a year of month-to-month inquiry, a different topic every month, on Fridays 9-10:30 am Pacific Time.

To read about all the topics and what the program offers, click HERE.

“Inquiry appears to be a process of thinking, but actually it’s a way to undo thinking. Thoughts lose their power over us when we realize that they simply appear in the mind. They’re not personal. Through The Work, instead of escaping or suppressing our 
thoughts, we learn to meet them with unconditional love and understanding.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

 

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To Act Or Do The Work–Is That The Question?

Not long ago I was listening to a lecture on my laptop. The screen kept freezing and doing a spinney wheel and I’d hack away at emails in my Inbox on another screen….

…but I kept listening to the recording.

Then, I heard the voice of the speaker say something that made me pause a moment. 

She said “don’t you just get sick of looking at your limiting beliefs all the time? Heck, just take action.” 

(Scrape…….did you hear the rewind sound?)

I had to chuckle.

Because on first read-through…moving through and doing The Work is all about looking at limiting beliefs….

….uncomfortable, disappointing, frightening, aggravating beliefs.

We’re looking, investigating, exploring this (apparently) internal world.

It’s true that there appears to be no guidance about action. No rules or ideas about what to do or when to do it.

But here’s what I’ve noticed about action and believing: both of these experiences or “things” HAPPEN.

It’s not exactly natural to sit still and never take action. It’s not natural to constantly take action and never sit still.

If you just sat all the time writing out The Work, or getting facilitated, or concluding that since you are not feeling happy, you must question your thoughts 24/7 until this changes…

…none of us would last very long. And it would be virtually impossible.

Even when I’ve been looking at my beliefs about situations and people in my life, I’ve been going about my business…cleaning house, picking up kids, writing the book, sleeping, doing dishes, meeting with clients, teaching classes, working out at the gym, healing from my leg getting cut off, eating lunch.

(OK OK, the leg wasn’t cut off, I had surgery on a badly torn hamstring).

But I really love the idea that this dynamic speaker had about moving, acting, energy: sometimes, heck, just go for it!!

Sometimes, even if you are really nervous, feeling totally awkward, uncertain, uncomfortable, terrified, indecisive, do-it-anyway. 

The thing is, the more I do The Work and get down into the gritty dark recesses of my greatest fears, the more actions and energy appear to be freed up.

I take about 1000% more efficient, fun action than I used to. Before, I’d spend so much time in my head analyzing, ruminating, perseverating…

…I hardly let anything sink below the neck.

And my actions, when I believed my fearful thoughts, were very defensive, protective….like when a little bunny rabbit is trying to run across the open highway with cars zooming both ways at 70 miles per hour.

Major random emergency chaos! And who the heck knows if the bunny ends up on the other side of the highway!

When I’ve spent time in meditation, quiet, feeling, being, doing The Work, contemplating…

…my actions sink down into the entire body and even spread out into the universe.

If I think that I SHOULD take action, I get a little paralyzed and frustrated. If I think I SHOULDN’T take action, I get a little paralyzed and frustrated. Ha!

And….I love what that speaker said that suggested watching the experience of staying inside the mind, thinking, without bustin’ a move.

“I need to wait before I take action on x, y or z”.

If it’s stressful to wait…then yes, take it to The Work!

Is that true that you need to wait? That you need to be careful? That you need to gather more info before trying it?

Yes. I really want to make the best move possible. I have to weigh it out, pull together all the information, find the “right” answer.

Can you absolutely know that it’s true that you need to wait?

No.

How do you react when you believe you need to wait?

My head almost explodes with finding the perfect answer. I practically forget I have a body. I talk to other people and hash it over.

Who would you be without the belief that you need to wait?

Jumping! Dancing! Entering the heat!

Willing to see what happens next, with no mental plans. Making an offer, asking for what I want, connecting with others, feeling delighted with what I love.

Trusting what will be. Surrendering to what is. Having a universe that’s waaaaaaay bigger than me. Peaceful, steady, quiet, joyful.

I turn the thought around: I do not need to wait, I can take action. 

I’ve noticed when I have no right and wrong, when it’s not possible to make a mistake anymore, when I’ve questioned my assumptions…

…more possibilities spring forth. The creativity is almost so great, I’m bursting with ideas.

I’m not making any action happen, it’s happening of its own accord.

Everything moving with balance. Sometimes sound asleep, sometimes wide awake.

“It’s a curious place to be (especially in the beginning) not to be driven by anything–pleasure or displeasure, helping or hurting, loving or hating. The only thing that will move you (and I don’t mean to be too poetic about this) is the same thing that moves a leaf hanging from a tree. It’s simply because the breeze blows that way. So you always know what to do: The breeze blows that way, and that’s the way you go. You don’t ask questions anymore. You don’t evaluate why the breeze is blowing that way because you know that you don’t know why. And you know you can’t know why. There’s never been a leaf anywhere that knows why the wind blows that way on that day at that moment.” ~ Adyashanti 

I don’t really know if I need to question my thoughts, or move, or go left or right. All I do know is that when I’m freakin’ out, I am believing in things that scare me and it hurts. In that situation, there’s no peace.

When I’m peaceful (and oddly, this includes being OK with feeling afraid) life is so much more fun.  

“There are two ways to live your life, one is stressed out, one is not. One hurts, one doesn’t.” ~ Byron Katie  

In the present moment, I act, I move, I am still, I do The Work…who knows until I get there. No way to know why or how or when, until now.

If you do notice that you’d like to set aside 90 minutes a week for group inquiry together, and see how that affects the action you take in your life (or non-action) then come on board on Fridays 9-10:30 am pacific time for a Year of Inquiry.

The Closeness in Inquiry

“I was just thinking about how much I love all you amazing people in our group. It’s funny that I feel so much closer to you than I do many of my friends!” ~ YOI participant

Much love,

Grace