Category: The Work of Byron Katie

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The Truth About Bitter Resentments

One of my favorite things about doing The Work, such a simple form of self-inquiry, is the first step.

Writing down all your vicious, nasty, mean thoughts of resentment about that other person, or that problem with food or money, or the way things are set up around here. 

You get to be a total brat. In fact, cuttin’ loose on those resentments can be quite cathartic. On paper. And it’s almost scary, even in this moment, to admit how that dark, frightened, defensive mind actually works. 

I hope that person burns in hell, I hope he fails disastrously and loses all his money and possessions, I hope she suffers and dies, I hope they get hit by a meteor, I hope they kill each other in misery, I hope they get what they deserve.

Then almost tied like a feather to the very same thoughts….sadness, grief, shame.

What’s wrong with me, that I’m so upset. I should take the high road. 

One time, early on in doing The Work and questioning my beliefs, I decided that I would write a massively, wildly, unabashedly shameful worksheet. I would tell the truth on it. 

I would write out how much I hated that person for real.

After completing a barrage of rage against the person as I held them in my memory, all written on paper, I paused as I re-read my words. Then, I suddenly realized….nothing I wrote on there was actually truly satisfying. It’s like I couldn’t really, really, really find words mean enough to describe the hatred I was feeling. 

And what I DID have written on the worksheet was questionable.  

Did I really want that person to rot in hell, burning with suffering forever for what they had done? To me?

Instead of so quickly condemning yourself for being such a mean, rotten, hurt, horrible, judgmental person….it is powerful to allow yourself to sit in those angry words and see if you really think of them as true.

People who steal, betray, or attack you (or others) are really great candidates for these kinds of raging worksheets. 

The ones whose fault it is that you’re not happy now. 

This is allowing that voice that is a total victim, who likes to blame, who wants revenge or resolution, to have it’s say. It’s there for a reason. Instead of suppressing it and feeling like a really horrible bad mean person….if you do….for even THINKING this way, why not go for it?

Because for me, it didn’t really work all that well to hold everything in and smash down my anger. I’d usually end up overeating later on. Turning and facing the actual base energy worked MUCH better, it turned out.

So let’s take a look, at a really mean thought, letting it be as it is–outraged!

He should suffer, rot in hell and die. He should never be happy. He should HURT.

Is that true?

No. Of course not. But let it be OK if YOU secretly answered “yes”. It’s called being mad. And terrified. Blowing energy outward in every direction. A big, chaotic scream. 

How do you react when you feel that extreme rage? When you have visions of that person dying, suffering, losing everything?

I know that for me….I felt HORRIBLE. I myself felt crushed, confused about where to put my anger, lost, desperate, beaten. I sat here with the feelings. I noticed they didn’t feel good. They felt like an implosion, sort of sickening, and furious.

So who would you be without that belief? Without the thought that someone else should suffer, hurt, or remain unhappy…forever?

Happy, lighter, kind…….GRATEFUL.

Turning the thought around, I see that person should heal, multiply in heaven and live! He should always be happy. He should not hurt.

Now that’s truly exciting. And true. 

“At each step and with each breath we are given the option of acting and responding, both inwardly and outwardly, from the conditioning of egoic consciousness which values control and separation above all else, or from the intuitive awareness of unity which resides in the inner silence of our being.” ~ Adyashanti 

Could it be that as I think vengeful thoughts towards someone, or others, that I feel pain towards myself?

I hope that I burn in hell, I hope I fail disastrously and lose all my money and possessions, I hope I suffer and die, I hope I get hit by a meteor, I hope I kill myself in misery, I hope I get what I deserve.

Could any of these be gifts, or absurdities, or unimportant, or not that bad after all? Just a scenario the mind is making up, with its exquisite imagination?

Ha ha, kind of crazy….but opening to these options, without terror….is funny. 

“The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.” ~ Jalaluddin Rumi

Every person who ever “hurt” me taught me the most incredible things. Sitting in what they did, what I did, what happened….there is nothing but profound gratitude. Not because gratitude is the “right” thing to feel. 

It is what remains after inquiry. 

Much love, Grace

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Love Junkie Pain

Every few weeks, someone signs up to do sessions with me because they are experiencing suffering when it comes to a romantic interest.

I will never, ever be the same after doing The Work a decade ago on men. 

In a good way. 

You should have heard my original worksheet, not only on men in general (that was interesting to be so general and broad and totally prejudiced) but on men I was dating. 

One of my biggest Ah-Ha moments came when I realized….I was a total “love” addict. I mean serious junkie for that flourish of adrenaline, excitement, contact, attraction. 

Since someone I worked with recently was almost obsessively concerned with the whereabouts, the emails, texts and conversation history with a woman he knew….

….I thought I’d take a look today and these repetitive beliefs about others.

About that One Other. “My” girlfriend. “My” boyfriend. “My” spouse, partner, husband, wife, lover. 

And when they aren’t doing what you want them to do. 

My client had this Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, already filled out, when we began our session (some words and notions changed slightly just to keep everything completely anonymous):

I am outraged because she is ignoring me since we broke up. I want her to call me, text me, be open to getting together, and maintaining our friendship. She should return my calls. She shouldn’t shut me out. I need her to contact me. She is selfish, bitchy, unpredictable and cold. I don’t even want to get ditched by a potential love interest again.

He also had thrown in there a few self-critical judgments, like that he shouldn’t be thinking about her and there must be something wrong with him, for having these thoughts and feelings in the first place.

Ow. 

I then recognized, as the client was speaking, that he could be talking to me. 

A man I dated had once called me many months after our strange and volatile encounters together, kind of off and then on and then off again. He said “Hi! How are you?” and I had said “why are you calling me?” and he said “because we’re friends!” and I said “we are not friends” and hung up.

Remembering that incident, I heard the voice of this dear inquirer client, and took in his worksheet.

And then, I took a look at a quiet little stressful thought floating in my mind. This thought can cause a lot of problems, I have found, if you really believe it. 

I should be nicer.

Nice means carrying on a conversation past the point when you’re done, nice means smiling, nice means saying yes, nice means being friendly, nice means being open, nice means saying hello, please, thank you and have a good day. Nice means caring, being of service, helping, being interested.

Yikes. Ewwww.

Is it true that I should be these things?

Of course not. But it also doesn’t mean I should be against these things!

How do I react when I believe that I should be nice, and I notice that sometimes I feel these things in a genuine honest way, and sometimes I do not? How do I react when I believe I shouldn’t be nice?

Nice-ness comes and goes. 

If I believe I should be nicer or shouldn’t be too nice, then I feel stifled, nervous about falling off the Nice Wagon or climbing on it and not being able to get off! 

With these thoughts, I notice that other peoples’ feelings are super important. Other people might get hurt, other people might cry, other people might get angry….if I am not nice. Other people might get smothering, clingy, and assume I care if I am too nice. 

With these thoughts, fear and anxiety enter the room. I feel like a fake. Holding things in. 

So who would I be without the thought that I should be careful about being nice or not nice EVER?

WOOHOO! Can you feel the freedom?! 

Things become clear. Things become slow. If I don’t know what my answer is when asked a question, then I don’t answer yet. If I know, then I say “yes” or “no”. 

Without that thought, I feel very, very kind towards myself. I feel gentle to the other person as well. There is no need for niceness to happen, or not happen. There is something alive, sweet, powerful and loving, right here inside, no matter what someone else’s reaction.

“What is love? Take a look at a rose. Is it possible for the rose to say ‘I shall offer my fragrance to good people and withhold it from bad people?’ Or can you imagine a lamp that withholds its rays from a wicked person who seeks to walk in its light? It could only do that by ceasing to be a lamp….and a tree gives its shade to everyone–even those who seek to cut it down….[but] think how the rose, the tree and the lamp leave you completely free. The tree will make no effort to drag you into its shade if you are in danger of a sunstroke. The lamp will not force its light on you lest you stumble in the dark. Another word for love is freedom.” ~ Anthony De Mello

The turnarounds for me are that a code of behavior (called Nice or Not Too Nice) is not necessary. Being present feels open, unknown, yet solid. 

I love that man who challenged me, who asked to talk, and my discovery of my “no” in that moment. 

No rules, no expectations, no demands, no resistance, no pushing, no commands. The truth coming up, in that moment, out of a quiet freedom. 

Back to remembering what it’s like to not know anything. To not be addicted to love, attention, being appreciated, being praised, being liked. 

No need to be clever, full of knowledge, pious, or good. 

What a relief. 

“When the great Tao is forgotten, goodness and piety appear. When the body’s intelligence declines, cleverness and knowledge step forth. When there is no peace in the family, filial piety begins. When the country falls into chaos, patriotism is born.” ~ Tao Te Ching #18

Much love, Grace

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You Need Absolutely Nothing–Not Even Workshop Clients

For the past several months, I’ve had more and more inquiries from people about how to run a small business, how to fill events, where to look for clients, or how to get people to enroll in classes.

It’s funny, because one of my immediate thoughts is….you’re asking ME? 

(Picture Robert Dinero saying ‘You talkin’ to me?!’)

Because some things I do are really “successful” as in a workshop with 100+ people enrolled, or an introductory talk somewhere for a whole business organization….

….while other events have very few people signing up and I’ll reschedule them and then suddenly it’s full.

I don’t exactly feel like an expert small business practitioner who knows what works and what doesn’t, if success means many people enrolling in what I’m offering.

This next weekend on my calendar I’ve had my event upcoming that I’ve taught before….only with much more updated material and several new exercises….Horrible Food Wonderful Food.

Because I just taught my Year of Inquiry weekend, or because I’ve been writing so much, I have done very little to promote or talk about Horrible Food Wonderful Food.

And there are only three people registered.

So if you thought I was packing the house with workshop attendees, it’s not true for this one!

These kinds of experiences used to make me imagine different options: I could worry, fret, push harder, regroup, drop the price, beg people to attend.

I could also inquire, deeply.

This inquiry can be done on ANYTHING you think you need more of. Whether clients, participants, money, weight-loss, recognition, attention, support, health, a partner, sex, success of any kind.

I need more.

The wonderful thing is, when I’ve done The Work on this sensation of “needing” something, the freedom to not need at all is magnificent.

And it never has meant that I don’t continue onward and forward, tweaking my business message, learning more about marketing and connecting with the right audience, or being successful in whatever way I’m dreaming of.

Just because you do The Work on needing to change your relationship with food and eating, for example, doesn’t mean that you will conclude that you do NOT need to change a single thing, ever, around food and eating.

If you are upset about weighing a lot you may really feel in your heart that you would feel more physically comfortable at a lighter weight.

That is what is true for you.

So you keep going with understanding your own mind and your own behavior. You watch yourself and see what is happening when you want to eat a lot, or eat when you aren’t hungry, or eat things that make you feel sick later.

What I have found is that being able to identify what I am actually thinking that creates a stressful reaction inside is like finding a golden treasure.

So here I have a weekend workshop apparently scheduled where I support people in examining their stressful relationship with food.

A time to look at food and the “problem” moments.

So now….I have my own “problem” moment. Not with food, but with people not signing up to attend the workshop in the first place.

I can do some investigation on this situation, and find out what I’m really thinking and believing.

Let’s see what happens.

Here we go:

I can see that I do not need customers, or participants. I do not need this workshop to happen this coming weekend. I’m earning enough money. I’m working every day. My business continues to reach the highest levels ever, after a few years now of being in operation. I’m making a difference.

Many people with eating issues can see that they don’t need the food they are craving, or eating, or bingeing on. They can also see that they don’t need to diet.

Yet they recognize that something is calling to them for assistance, for care, for attention.

What could it be?

I get to ask the same questions.

What’s going on with me and not filling this particular workshop? What are the stressful thoughts about it, that I haven’t looked at yet?

  • I’m communicating about this workshop poorly
  • This means I have more to learn–I’m not Miss Expert Workshop Filler
  • I can’t guarantee results for people who DO take the workshop—like weight loss, ending all obsessions and cravings, or eliminating binges forever
  • I can’t entirely explain why I am so free from any food troubles, when I once was a complete wreck
  • I might not be able to help everyone

Wow. As I look at all the thoughts that spill out when I just let them flow, I can see there are some stressful ideas.

I can’t guarantee transformation in the relationship with food and eating for people who are suffering, but I WANT to. 

Is that true?

Yes! Isn’t that the point for people who take any programs, workshops or do sessions with me?

Can I absolutely KNOW that it’s true that guarantees are best? Or that I need to help people?

No.

Even with the teachers I admire very deeply, there are some people who find great transformation and some who feel “meh”.

Sometimes there are lightbulbs that go off with a huge flash, other times it’s little tiny awareness moments.

How do I react when I believe I’m doing something wrong, I need to get a message across, I’m not communicating well, I wish I could fill that workshop, I can’t guarantee results, or I might not be able to help everyone?

Like giving up, or renewing effort in a determined way. Push hard, or draw back. Energy goes either out or in. Pushing. Pulling. It’s stressy.

Who would I be without these kinds of thoughts?

I would continue to love this journey of having a peace beyond anything I could have ever imagined when it comes to food, eating, weight, body image, and being in this body at this size.

But if it’s not for me to share or “teach” this particular weekend, then that’s OK too.

Without these thoughts, I relax instantly. I feel a surge of how fun all this is. I think about working with people individually who are signed up, connecting with them, focusing on them entirely to see what’s underneath their particular story.

This may be more effective for each one of them, who knows.

Without the thoughts that things should go differently than they are in this instance, I start to get excited.

Energy flows in towards me. Instead of me pushing or pulling at the situation.

I feel more creative. I see advantages for no workshop. Maybe there is something else even better that I’ll be doing.

I turn my thoughts around and sit with them, allowing them all to be:

  • I’m communicating about this workshop richly, in ways that are worth riches to myself, to others
  • This means I have more to learn–I’m not Miss Expert Workshop Filler, oh goodie!
  • I can guarantee results for myself teaching my own “life” workshop—like weight loss, ending all obsessions and cravings, or eliminating binges forever…wow, yes
  • I can’t entirely explain why I am so free from any food troubles, when I once was a complete wreck….and that’s good news, it shows I don’t have to know EVERYTHING
  • I might not be able to help myself, so I can ask others

As I sit with these, I realize that I haven’t communicated well to myself about everything inside when it comes to this Horrible Food Wonderful Food workshop.

I discover how I am learning through this process, and have so much unfolding before me when it comes to filling workshops. I am taking classes, talking with experts, in some fantastic mastermind groups, and my business life is blending with my spiritual life in ways I never could have dreamed before.

Wow.

The people who sign up to work with me are serving ME. They are incredible, their questions are perfect, their concerns are so valuable.

I can feel how very well this present moment is. Whether sitting in a room full of people investigating their relationship to food, or sitting in a room alone, on a couch.

“The mind’s job is to do everything it possibly can to hold a stressful belief in place. Because when that belief is held in place, an identity is established. The Work is a way to break that spell. And I don’t say that it WILL break that spell. But if a person really wants to know the truth, a lot can be done to shift that identity, and then reality, totally.” ~ Byron Katie

If I can be of service to you in your journey with food and eating, breaking that spell of craving or obsessing, or ending your plans for the next diet, then write to me at grace@workwithgrace.com.

Who knows if I can or not.

All I know is, if I can have the entry into freedom that I have had, then so can you.

It is possible for everyone, now.

If other people can fill workshops with many, then so can I, and so can you (if that’s what you want).

And here’s the funny thing. There is no workshop necessary and no workshop that needs to be filled, unless there is.

“Stop thinking of achievement of any kind. You are complete here and now, you need absolutely nothing.” ~ Nisargadatta

OK then. I hear the tap tap of fingers on laptop. And laughter bubbling up. The fun of waiting to see what happens. However it goes is fabulous.

Love, Grace

P.S. It hardly needs to be repeated at this point, but just in case–if you’re interested in spending this coming Friday evening with me, all day Saturday and all day Sunday (10 am – 5 pm both days), to deeply investigate what the heck is going on in this horrible wonderful food situation, contact me. My number is 206-650-1230. I’m here to help.

 

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Complainers! Showing Us How To Love

Those people are sooooooo slow. The traffic is moving like molasses. I hate waiting. This is taking tooooo long. 

Have you ever been bugged when someone else makes these kinds of statements? 

The other day, I was working with a wonderful inquirer who had some thoughts about the way her husband complained about the traffic.

HE was the one with the stressful thoughts like the ones above. About slowness.

And he should stop saying those thoughts out loud. Boring, unnecessary thoughts.  

With frustration in her voice, she exclaimed “We didn’t even have to be anywhere soon, we were going shopping as a family! He should stop barking about something so stupid as traffic!” 

I had to chuckle to myself. Because I’ve had that thought!

That person should stop complaining, stop being so negative, get their act together, stop fussing about traffic (or whatever), calm down, chill, relax, get quiet, stop caring about “x” so much, quit being so concerned about “y”.

Really, they’d be better off. I’m sure of it.

Pause.

Are you really sure?

Yes! So annoying!

Can you be absolutely positively sure, though? Is it entirely true that they should stop complaining about that? Are you sure their life would be better, or yours?

Well…I think so, to be honest. Without all that fussin’ it seems like they’d be happier.

How do you react when you believe this thought?

Arggh. The split second their complaint is uttered I have my own, er…I guess that would be a complaint…

….oh. heh heh.

Like there’s a rush of energy that is against, resisting, defending, not wanting to HEAR those words, that noise, that tone.

But who would I be without any of these thoughts? The person utters their comment, they look distressed or flustered or upset, and I don’t have the thought that they shouldn’t be?

Hmmm. It sure does stop the mechanism of either fixing, helping, addressing or also being concerned in the same situation.

Yes, I notice a spacious feeling. A tenderness towards that person. And a detachment, a freedom from an old way of being with someone who is apparently unhappy.

I might notice, without the thought that they shouldn’t be complaining, that I listen. I wait. I hear that they wish things would go faster. They may feel afraid, worried, sad.

I may be moved to reach over and squeeze their hand. Or remain quiet. Or move away to something else.

I turn the thoughts all around: they shouldn’t stop complaining, I should stop complaining about them complaining, I should stop being so negative about them, or about myself, I should get my act together in their presence (great practice!), I should stop fussing about their fussing about traffic (or whatever), I should calm down, chill, relax, get quiet, stop caring about “x” so much, quit being so concerned about “y”.

Phew! True!

“For me, no one is too tense. They’re as tense as they need to be. Obviously, perfectly….How does it feel to give someone something without the thought that we have to please them? So we give something and our story keeps us from realizing our goodness. I hand you the cup and I tell the story ‘she’ll like me if I do that’. But if I just hand you the cup, without that story, I feel my service, my goodness and my dedication to you.” ~ Byron Katie

When I question my story that you should stop complaining so that I can feel better, I may hear your words, and serve.

Automatically. Without thought.

“How you interact with those who do not support you shows how enlightened you really are. As long as you perceive that anyone is holding you back, you have not taken full responsibility for your own liberation. Liberation means that you stand free of making demands on others and life to make you happy. When you discover yourself to be nothing but Freedom, you stop setting up conditions and requirements that need to be satisfied in order for you to be happy.” ~ Adyashanti

Thank you, complainers, for showing me the way.

Love, Grace

 

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The Moment Is Always Benevolent

Soooooo excited about so many people coming from all over the country to spend a weekend together in our Year of Inquiry group. They are here! Arrived in Seattle!

The anticipation! The happiness! Hand-clapping!

Because….I love doing The Work all weekend. There is depth and clarity by staying with the process in a steady, consistent way. Even when we change it up (partners working with each other, group exercises, walking, imagining life in our turnarounds) it’s like we’re saying we love the company of our own minds.

OK, well, maybe that’s getting a bit carried away….because one of the deeper reasons people gather together to inquire is because sometimes, the company of our own minds has NOT been loving.

It’s been downright nuts!

Not long ago, I spent some time with a wonderful inquirer who was looking with anticipation at an upcoming event.

She was going to be seeing an old flame, at a wedding. She was not feeling very happy about it.

He’s going to try to come over and talk with me. He’s going to ask why we broke up again. He’s going to beg, or cause a scene. 

I asked her if she was positive that was true?

She couldn’t know. It was in the future. In fact, she actually couldn’t even REALLY know that he would be there. She just HEARD that he would be.

How did she react when she believed the thought that it would be uncomfortable to see Mr. X out in the world?

Tense, now, in this very moment (3 months, by the way, before the event). A rush of adrenaline pulsing through her. Anxious. Worried.

I remember having the same kinds of thoughts. Someone I hadn’t seen in over 2 years. Big event with many people. Every day I would think about what I might do when I ran into him…and fortunately I had The Work and I would come up with “I don’t know” and wind up chuckling.

I even imagined hugging him and being so happy to see him.

But I know what it’s like when it’s not so funny. When the person you have in mind hurt you. Badly. When things were a mess between you, and you feel unresolved, you feel fear.

So, without forcing yourself to go anywhere, or do anything you might not want to do….who would you be without the belief that the person in question could hurt you? Or cause a scene? Or ask you questions you think you don’t want to answer?

What if you turned it all around and you felt the same kind of anticipation I myself feel about all the wonderful people coming over to inquire together all weekend at our retreat?

Right in this moment now, what if this was possibility, thrill, joy, wonder, and living in an I-Don’t-Know state?

“Anyone in harmony with what is has no past to project as a future, so there’s nothing she expects. Whatever appears is always fresh, brilliant, surprising, obvious and exactly what she needs….For her, everything is new. She has never seen it before. In the innocence of not knowing, in the wisdom of not needing to know, she can see that everything as it appears in the moment is always benevolent.” ~ Byron Katie

Always benevolent.

Even the possibility of “benevolent”….so fun, so exciting.

Maybe you can not only handle that thing that’s going to happen, that person, that test, that evaluation, that encounter, that interview….

….maybe its good, good, good. No matter what the outcome.

Love, Grace

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Do What’s Right For You

When I first started working with people building my own practice as a practitioner of inquiry, offering classes, working with people one-on-one, teaching retreats and workshops….I wanted as much experience as possible.

I worked with anyone who wanted to do The Work.

I offered free sessions. I filled my schedule. I would ask people if they wanted to be a practice client. I would ask people if they’d enjoy participating in a class.

The more doing of it, the more sessions, the more minutes and then hours and weeks added up…..the more confident and clear I became.

Sometimes people now ask me how to build a private practice.

While there are many technical details like websites and connecting with others for marketing, one of the most important things I found is to give your service. Even if you don’t get paid.

But Not Forever.

Because that isn’t a business, that’s a form of personal service at a volunteer level, and not everyone can support their own food, shelter and clothing with no income.

Sometimes, people ask me about scholarship help, trading a service for my work….and I always consider their commitment, their situation, their desire.

I almost never have people who pay nothing at all unless there is a valuable trade we can make. People have awesome things they’ve given me. Beautiful art, handmade pottery, computer design, website help.

There is a feeling within about the exchange that is loving, generous, alive. I had a woman, a beautiful client, who came out of rehab with nothing, almost zero cents to her name, who put together all she could which was $20 per month for the two months she was in one of my classes.

For her, it was a lot. She didn’t miss one single call, she did all the homework, she emailed with questions. She wasn’t messing around.

Not all the exchanges go like that one, though.

I remember a man who kept asking me to attend a live afternoon half-day retreat I offer every quarter or so, where I spend time making preparations for each individual attending, buying materials, food, creating the space.

He would contact me and ask to come for free. I said what would work for you? He said he could afford nothing. Nothing would work for him.

I said how about $5 to cover snacks and materials? He said no, he couldn’t afford it. After another request, I said yes, come for free, no need to pay even $5.

He arrived in a big car, which was his own, and I couldn’t help think that he had to be able to afford the gas to drive to the workshop. And the car.

Even though I had done so much personal inquiry on money…. I experienced a little flare of resentment.

I was no longer suffering with very low income myself, I wasn’t afraid to have a business and charge fees, I received, I gave my all back, I had stopped feeling embarrassed about needing money in the first place.

This stressful thought about this retreat participant was like a mosquito bite. Itchy, annoying.

Here were my stressful thoughts: he doesn’t value what I’m offering enough to pay even $5 for it, he wants something for nothing, he’s scamming me.

Ouch. Time for inquiry.

Is it true, that he doesn’t value what I’m offering? That he wants something for nothing?

I don’t really know. He may have hugely massive stressful beliefs about money, The Work, his own capabilities. It probably has nothing to do with me.

But that one piece of me wondered. It wasn’t satisfied. Worried that it could be true.

So how did I react when I believed that he was not being fair, withholding, feeling scarce, not valuing my expertise, not valuing this work, or that he’s lying about what he can’t afford?

I didn’t feel 100% open to him. I felt a defense, a carefulness. I felt like I was being ripped off, undervalued. I felt puzzled. I felt like I wanted to teach him that you don’t do that to people.

Sigh.

Who would I be without the thought that I know what he’s thinking or valuing, intending or caring about? Or that I need him to value me by giving me money?

Jeez. So ashamed of these thoughts. I’m too greedy. I’m not trusting.

Stop. The question was “who would you be WITHOUT that thought?”

Not “try to get rid of the thought quick because you are a loser when you have it.”

Without the thought, I noticed I loved his participation, his sweet work, his genuine caring for his own life and how he was perceiving him “problems”. I saw how hard he was trying. I had no idea how money fit into all that.

And that didn’t mean I had to say “yes” again.

Turning the thoughts around, I see with clear awareness what was truer in all those moments of questions and answers, saying yes and saying no:

I am not valuing myself in that moment, I don’t value what I’m offering enough to pay even $5 for him, I want something (money) for nothing, I’m scamming myself in that moment because I’m thinking I need to say yes, or no, to be a good person.

Wow.

How can I live the turnaround to value myself?

Value myself. If I have questions, bring them up. Trust the process of honestly sharing. Trust that when someone has nothing to pay, that is so right for them (it was powerful for me, when that was my situation).

As Byron Katie says, I can love them, but it doesn’t mean I have to go to dinner with them, or live with them.

Being absolutely wide open honest, kind, full of love for all the others and for me….all connected.

No one getting left out.

“To think that I know what’s best for anyone else is to be out of my business. Even in the name of love, it is pure arrogance, and the result is tension, anxiety and fear. Do I know what is right for me? That is my only business.” ~ Byron Katie

Money teleclass starting again soon! We get into these kinds of wonderful thoughts. Exciting!

Love, Grace

 

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Bring On The Bad Stuff

Recently with the Year of Inquiry group we gathered to do some looking at “underlying beliefs” in a conference call.

The definition of Underlying Beliefs is pretty much how it sounds….Beliefs that Lay Underneath. But its worthy of looking a bit to understand what is meant, what’s at play.

“Underlying” in the dictionary means to form a basis or foundation of something. 

A “belief” is defined as an acceptance that something exists or is true. But I once heard a lecture where the speaker said the way she defined a “belief” is a thought that you think over and over again. 

Even if you’re not positive it is 100% true. 

So Underlying Beliefs would be the foundation or basis of other beliefs, and full of core thoughts that you may be thinking over and over again.

Now….the crazy thing is that anyone who spends any time taking a look at their own underlying assumptions or beliefs….starts seeing holes in them. 

Byron Katie speaks of questioning the thoughts that are stressful. Don’t worry about the thoughts that produce happiness, kindness, love, peace, or joy. 

While there are quite a few wonderful exercises to help you identify clearly what your own stressful Underlying Beliefs are….one of my favorites is this simple exercise. This is the one the YOI group (Year of Inquiry) all did together the other day. 

Think of a stressful situation, an exchange you had with someone, an uncomfortable moment in time. See what you don’t like the most. What the person is saying, or doing? What’s going on in the environment? Are you losing something? Are you afraid of losing something?

Now….write down one thought you have about that situation, that you feel is upsetting.

She shouldn’t have said that. I need more money. He’s a liar. She hurt me. I’m too fat. 

As you look at that one concept that you are thinking about, regarding that situation….take a look at what Underlying Beliefs might have to be in place in order to believe this thought.

If someone had this thought, what beliefs would they have to have in place, some assumptions at a very deep level….maybe something that has been repeated for many years, in order to believe this thought?

You can do this without blaming yourself, tearing yourself to shreds, or feeling guilty. This is not about finding your faults, it’s only about research.

My thought: she shouldn’t have said that.

What would I have to believe, in order to be upset by what she said? What does it mean about me? Or about her? Or about life in general?

  • There are dangerous people (and she’s one of them)
  • I need to be careful in this world
  • bad things happen (banishment, betrayal, death, destruction)
  • I could lose friendship, love, approval, appreciation at a moments notice
  • people are unpredictable, they can hurt me

Once you have a concept or thought that appears to be true, or that you’re worried is true (even only sometimes) you can explore more assumptions that you may notice have been in place, maybe since you were a kid.

While they may be frightening, and bring up uncertainty, how amazing to then take these kinds of ancient thoughts, perhaps passed along for generations, to inquiry.For example….Bad Things Happen.

Even just saying it, you may notice images flash through your mind that appear to make this idea true. The mind will say “of course it’s true! Yikes!”

But is it? For real?

Like absolutely without any doubt?

Wait a moment.

Even if you say “yes” do some wondering about it, see if there’s any inkling of uncertainty….

…Because for me, I’ve seen amazing things come from what appears to be tragedy. I also have no idea if death is bad, or relationships that die are bad, or that change is bad, or that struggle is bad, or that destruction is bad.

In fact, some of the most incredible experiences and insights in my life have come from “bad” things happening.“There is no explanation you can give that would explain away all the sufferings and evil and torture and destruction and hunger in the world! You’ll never explain it. You can try gamely with your formulas, religious and otherwise, but you’ll never explain it. Because life is a mystery, which means your thinking mind cannot make sense out of it. For that you’ve got to wake up and then you’ll suddenly realize that reality is not problematic, you are the problem.” ~ Anthony De Mello 

How do I react when I believe that bad things happen? Anxious, protective mode, setting up boundaries, defending myself, eating lots of broccoli, hyper vigilant.

But who would I be without the thought that bad things happen? Even those bad things, yes. This is not denying that there isn’t some huge, gigantic, emotional shift, or that people aren’t completely bonkers sometimes (including moi) or that loss isn’t experienced……..this is not D.E.N.I.A.L. as Debbie Ford used to say “Don’t Even Notice I Am Lying” and thinking everything is roses and unicorns.

In fact, it’s the opposite of lying. It’s seeing and feeling the terror of annihilation, emptiness, loss, endings, apocalypse.

And then imagining who you would be, or what you would be, without the underlying belief that these are bad.

On my kitchen wall, every year my calendar choice has something to do with comics, superheroes, the incredible drawings of many artists. This year because of the LEG SITUATION (had to remind you, since we’re talking about bad things) all the exquisite comic calendars were sold out by the time I got to my favorite store.

I had to get a zombie survival guide calendar instead.

The more I’ve questioned my thinking, the funnier things are that involve total destruction.

Could it be that the rough stuff is not entirely evil, wrong and bad?

Well, so far, I’ve found something encouraging, fascinating, wonderful, curious, insightful, enlightening to come out of every “bad” thing that’s ever happened.

  • after divorce….movement towards viable, amazing career
  • after cancer….inquiry and awareness of love, kindness, do-it-now attitude, surrender, sweet preparation for eventual death
  • after death of friend, father….that person’s qualities in my heart and soul, inside me forever
  • after leg got injured….stunned to realize I don’t need a working body to experience joy….and slowing down
  • after misunderstanding with really close friend….career becoming more successful than ever
  • after losing much of what I owned, money, savings ….discovering my own safety

“Nothing ever goes wrong in life.” ~ Byron Katie

Isn’t what I mostly have wished for….my Underlying Wish….been for happiness, awareness, love, growth, clarity, and freedom?

Oh. Right!

Bring on the “bad” stuff.

Much love, Grace

 

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Be Still And Want What You Want

If you’re wanting to join the truly wonderful circle of inquiry that happens in the luscious Breitenbush Hotsprings (for our 4th year) then NOW is the time to call Breitenbush for your reservations.Click here to get all the information and the phone number to register.

Housing choices get filled up very fast for this incredible time of year at Breitenbush (June 25-29, 2014). An amazing place to experience relaxation of body, mind and spirit in pristine forest. 26 CEUs for mental health professionals.

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Many people who contact me for self-inquiry have a common stressful belief. It starts with a very simple idea.

I need a partner.  

Then there are also variations on this theme: I need a better partner than the one I have, I need to be back with the previous partner I had before.  

Even if you are not concerned with looking at ending or beginning a relationship, but instead there is a little rift in your thoughts where longing arises, or upset because of past choices, or a reaching for that one that got away…..

….Is it true, that you need to add this Other to your life? Are you sure that would be an improvement?

Many people answer “no”. They are aware they do not “need” a partner. They realize there are benefits for their life, freedom, independence, autonomy, making a partnership with something other than an individual human, like their art.

But sometimes, people are afraid that if they don’t feel concern for finding a mate, they won’t even try.

Fine, I know I don’t neeeeeed someone. Forget it then.

Is that true, though?

What would it be like noticing that you think you would have a ball with a companion, enjoy yourself, connect intimately, explore someone else’s world along with your own?

What might happen if you talked about your concerns with that imperfect partner you have? What if you got crazy honest, about what you really, really want, without expectations?

How do you react when you think you don’t really need anyone, you shouldn’t really bring that difficult subject up with your spouse, it’s better if you put a lid on your interests instead of getting into all the mucky messy partner-hunting stuff?

Stuck in an in-between place. Wanting then not-wanting. Not really doing anything. Settling for this, the way it is.

But who would you be without the belief that what you want is hard to find, without any expectations for anything whatsoever, without needing a partner at all?

You may be surprised.

When it really doesn’t matter one way or another…who would you be without the thought that you need a partner?

Some people report that they either feel joyfully thrilled in their single-ness OR they become joyfully thrilled about getting to know tons of interesting, new, fabulous people.

“You know that the basic condition of the egoic self is of a very deep-seated sense of lack, of not enough, not complete. One of the main areas where it looks to fulfill that lack is in Relationship, the Other Person, He or She. He or She is The One. It’s painful. There’s a tendency for the mind to weave all kinds of fantasies, all kinds of stories, a very painful self-image of ‘me’. What is called love is the deep-seated need of the ego, that focuses on one form…… 

…..We need to acknowledge that there are personal affinities. But in themselves, they are never ultimately fulfilling. More often than not, they are a source of suffering. Love becomes a source of suffering when the transcendental is missing. How does the transcendent come in? By being spacious with the other. Which essentially means that you access the Stillness in yourself while you look at the other.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Without the belief that a partner is better than no partner, or that no partner is safer or better than a partner, then companions arrive and it’s fun, companions go and it’s OK, every way is good.

Byron Katie says about her husband “he’s brave enough to be married to the impersonal.”  

Turning the thoughts around: whatever is happening now (partner, no partner) is fabulous.  

Can you find your genuine reasons why?

“Happiness is the freedom to be as we are, however we are; richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, gaining or losing, succeeding or failing, wanting or not wanting, approving or not approving, forever. Happy is what we are and what we’ll be if we don’t believe we are wrong to be as we are.” ~ Bruce Di Marsico

Love, Grace

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I Wish I Didn’t Want More Money

I want more money.

This belief is not only pervasive, but often, it’s also embarrassing!

It’s like, I want more money but I hate to admit it. I shouldn’t want more money, I hate wanting more money, I’m comfortable without money, I don’t even like the fact that it appears that I need it. Ever. 

If you’ve seen that you don’t NEED more money, you are OK with very small amounts of money, you actually aren’t even interested in buying stuff or upgrading things like your furniture…..

…..it can be tricky to access the inner beliefs about this thing called money and what’s really bothering you.

It’s a little bit like a love/hate relationship, only not that dramatic. Annoying instead. Off. Not exactly loving, kind, trusting and totally relaxed. 

One of my favorite insights came when I began to take Rumi’s advice to heart and in my imagination, gave Money a persona. 

You can do this right now, as you read, if you notice there’s any little discord around money and how you experience it in your mind and heart (and body). 

If Money knocked on your door right now….what would he or she look like? What would the mood of this entity be? How would he or she regard YOU?

Six years ago is when I realized that  if Money knocked on my door, and I opened it….

….what I would see was a homeless addict dressed in rags, holding a cigarette in one hand, eyes flicking around like he’s scared of being followed and doesn’t give a rats ass about whether or not I know him. 

Yikes. 

Fortunately, I invited him within, and looked very deeply and carefully about why he looked like that, and what I imagined was terrible or dangerous about having Money come inside for tea. 

….The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in….Jalaluddin Rumi, from The Guest House

But your image of Money may be less severe. It can change, as circumstances change.

If you can picture your relationship with Money (I do this exercise with people around their relationship with Food as well) what would it appear to look like?

Now ask yourself if you want more of this Money in your life? 

Why or why not? What would it give you that feels positive? What would it give you that’s not so positive?

Is this Money a guest you would rather not entertain?

Is it true that you want MORE money?

No. Not if it means needing it, having to pay attention to it, having to ask people for it, charging for services, trading it for food and shelter. 

Squirm squirm. Can we talk about something else?

How do you react when you believe this thought that Money is a troubling thing, and you’d rather not get involved?

Sad. Frustrated. Uncertain. 

Admonishing myself for not figuring it out sooner. Chiding those Other People With Money for being greedy, selfish, lucky, focused, realistic, immature, materialistic, non-spiritual. 

With the thought and the uncomfortable feelings that follow, I’m stuck.

So, who would you be without the belief that it’s tough to want money, or that you wish you didn’t need it, or that there’s something wrong with you? Without the belief in clutching, resistance, feeling “against” the whole situation?

“So if you have no money, you can apply your mind and say, ‘What action can I take?’ And then become still. Don’t apply your mind without the stillness because, if you start applying your mind without the stillness, you might very soon lose yourself in the mind and that turns into worry. Worry means the mind is controlling you. Worry is always pointless. A solution never comes out of worry.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Without the belief that Money is an uncomfortable guest, a problematic person, you may find a spark of joy and excitement about attraction to it. 

Or, if that’s going a bit far a bit too fast, like getting married after three dates….you may feel compassion for your humanness, for wanting more of this thing called Money….

….for having a body that apparently needs a roof, clothing, food.

….for having a mind that enjoys books, adventures, education.

I turn the thoughts around: I want more money, and it’s OK, it’s natural, it’s part of my spiritual life.

Perhaps I want more “thinking” clearly about money. I want more knowledge, maturity, peace, trust, security about myself.

Could it be that I want more connection to others, more exchange with others, contact, vulnerability, beauty, sharing….and perhaps this need/want for Money has to do with making peace about all this?

If you’re wanting to begin an interesting journey around how you truly feel about Money in your life, no matter how much you have (or don’t have) and you’d like to join a group to do it….

….next week on Wednesday 5:15-6:45 pm PT we begin the 8 week journey into examining the thinking with a live teleclass, limited to 10 people, using The Work to question the beliefs that aren’t so peaceful when it comes to Money.

Click here to register: Investigating Money. Or write grace@workwithgrace.com with questions. 

Much love, Grace

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Who Would You Be Without Your (Injured, Painful, Fat, Diseased) Body?

Money! We’ll be looking carefully at what it means…and our apparent “problems” or concerns with money: earning it, getting it, keeping it.

8 week teleclass: Wednesdays, March 19 – May 7. 5:15 pm Pacific Time/8:15 pm Eastern time. Waking hours in Australia, Japan, Indonesia. Write if you’re interested grace@workwithgrace.com.

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Physical ailments, a state of physicality that feels less than perfect, whether a head cold or a torn hamstring….or cancer….often carry with them a stressful response. 

The disease seems to arrive, the condition. I now have this condition, it’s inside me, THIS body, mine, the one I inhabit.

I’m the one with “x” happening. 

And then, with that ownership, faster than the speed of light, the mind grabs it and says (when it feels stressful) what it means, that I have this condition.

  • I can’t go to that party, I’ll miss out
  • I’m dying
  • I’ll miss everyone
  • I detest this feeling of pain
  • this is all temporary
  • I’ll never run, play, jump, flip, bike, move, dance again

So sad. So infuriating! Who set this entire world up like this, anyway?! Such suffering!

My mind almost always has a comment about whose fault it is (mine). Then there are the other people whose fault it is (parents, history, pesticides). 

Nothing wrong with looking at patterns, gathering information, making huge changes to see how it affects the current status.

But that underlying sense, that dark cave below, that voice that is disappointed….or terrified….can feel dreadful.

Can’t I just think about something else? 

With inquiry, I love turning to face it and take a good look.

Oh, by the way, remember my leg? (All eyes on me!) Well, I almost forgot about it, and returned to my old dance recently, like I used to before I tore my hamstring last fall. The joy I felt on the dance floor was so sweet, I was ecstatic.

And then a few hours later, hmmm. Some dull aching pain radiating from my injury site.

And then the next day, my back and hamstring hurt so much I couldn’t get out of bed. 

Is it true, that I am condemned to reduced movement, decline, pain, aging, discomfort? Am I missing out?

Yes, yes, oh yes. Cry. Fist shaking at the sky. 

Am I sure that it would be better to be my definition of health, right now? What am I looking for anyway, eternal life? Never feeling any pain, ever, ever?

This is an amazing question, to even open to the idea that it might not be as bad as I think. Or I might not want what I *think* I want.

“We try to accept what is, and I’ve come to see that this is just a beginning. To love what is, is how you know that you’re right with yourself. It’s a state of gratitude that you’re living out of that is entirely stimulating, and motivating, and it always replenishes….When we’re of right mind, there is no loss.” ~ Byron Katie 

How do I react when I believe I’m missing something, losing something?

Angry, calculating, sad, upset, snappish at people, unhappy, grabby, panicked, fast.

Gratitude? Uh, that would be NOT. 

(And don’t get upset with yourself for not being grateful, you’re not supposed to jump to grateful, unless you do…it’s not “better”. Is it true that you should be grateful, when you aren’t?)

Who would I be without the thought that my physical state is wrong, a mistake, bad, off, incomplete, imperfect?

Without the thought that having this body means I have to feel pain, I have to miss out, I’m losing something?

“When you finally awake, you don’t try to make good things happen; they just happen. You understand suddenly that everything that happens to you is good. Think of some people you’re living with whom you want to change. You find them moody, inconsiderate, unreliable, treacherous, or whatever. But when you are different, they’ll be different. That’s an infallible and miraculous cure. The day you are different, they will become different. And you will see them differently, too….All of a sudden, no one has the power to hurt you anymore.” Anthony De Mello

If I looked at this physical state, this sickness, ugliness, injury, pain, as one of those people that I’ve been judging…who would I be without these thoughts? 

Even just a tiny smidgeon of an idea? Not inconsiderate? Not treacherous? Not dangerous?

Turning the stressful thoughts around:

  • I can’t go to that party, but I won’t miss out (it’s a party right here, with myself)
  • I’m living right now
  • I’ll won’t miss everyone, I’ll be connected to everything
  • I accept this feeling of pain, not against it, could I love it even?
  • this is all temporary…halleluia (instead of oh sad)
  • I’ll always run, play, jump, flip, bike, move, dance again…I could have what these things bring, like ecstasy, always
“It’s your last chance in this incarnation, as your body begins to fade – or you are becoming aware of this limited lifespan. It’s your last chance to go beyond identification with form. This is true whether it’s to do with your body, or somebody else’s body.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

 

Who would you be, without your body?

Much love, Grace