Category: The Work of Byron Katie

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Procrastination Exists Only In The Mind

Have you ever noticed considering something new, different, exciting, interesting, even healing and beneficial for you…

….sometimes an inclination appears to put off trying it, or doing it, or finishing it?

You get introduced to a new dance class, someone invites you to an event, you drive by a big state-of-the-art new gym every day and wonder what its like inside, he tells you about changing his diet, you hear about The Work or a supportive kind of therapy, you’ve always wanted to learn a creative art form, you’d love to have that closet all cleaned out and new shelves….

All these ideas come along and you might think “that sounds great, I could use that, I’m sure it would be fun, it could change my life”.

And then you keep going about your business, your life, your day-to-day activity.

Without trying the thing you heard about.

Even though something inside said “yes”. A little tug inside saying “go that way”. An intuition. Attraction. Interest.

For a year now I’ve had a thought appear: go to yoga. I’ve googled yoga studios in my neighborhood. I love stretching. You stretch in yoga. It could help my hamstring.

Fairly frequently, someone comes to do The Work with me because of their procrastination. They know what to do, how to do it, and yet….they don’t.

Oh the mental torment that can rise up out of the non-doing.

You should stop doing what you’re doing and go complete that task. You should get this done. What’s wrong with you? Are you lazy? Is there something missing here? Why aren’t you movin, dang-it?! Just do it.

But let’s stop and take a look at this experience and see what can be discovered, without all that noisy judgment.

Because that mean voice, even when very critical, doesn’t really seem to make much difference….in case you haven’t noticed.

You should be doing that other thing, you should be doing it by now, you’re waiting too long. 

Is that really true?

No. I’m not doing yoga (yet). Nor have I finished my book proposal that I said I’d have done by March. But I really can’t know that it should have been done by now.

In fact, I’m pretty sure that it shouldn’t be done by now. Because it isn’t! Ha ha.

Even if you said “yes” and you’re SURE you should have done that thing by today, this moment, when you’re reading this….

….answer this next question….

Who would you be without this belief?

Without thinking it’s true that you should have done “x” by now, or there is something WRONG because you haven’t?

Wow, it feels spacious. Empty. Open and accepting.

Without the thought that it is better to do it than not do it….there is simply this moment, with activity inside of it, and vast space permeating through everything, even thoughts.

“Spiritual people can be some of the most violent people you will ever meet. Mostly, they are violent to themselves. They violently try to control their minds, their emotions, and their bodies. They become upset with themselves and beat themselves up for not rising up to the conditioned mind’s idea of what it believes enlightenment to be. No one ever became free through such violence.” ~ Adyashanti

Noticing that the voice that lists what you should have accomplished by now, or done yesterday, or push yourself to do tomorrow, has a bossy tone.

Violence.

Turn the thoughts around about so-called procrastination. There is nothing that needs to be done by me right now, or before, or later. There is nothing required. There are no MUST DOs in this moment.

Here now is good enough, with or without action.

“If you want to understand stress, begin by realizing that you carry around with you your own set of preconceived notions of how things should be.” ~ Michael Singer

You, and me, and every living thing is here, good enough, right now…without having to add anything more, or finish a task.

“Only a huge ego could say that you’re supposed to be doing something that you’re not doing. If it’s required, just start moving toward it–get the job done. And if you can’t get the job done, it’s because it’s not required.” ~ Byron Katie

In this moment now, I feel so free about what I try or don’t try, no books necessary to read anymore in this moment, nothing expected to get done, no new thing important to add, no grabbing, no plans, no goals….

….and strange, there is writing happening, and a book getting finished, appointments being made, sweet client connections happening, applications being completed, gas tanks getting filled, grocery stores entered, water drunk, marketing plan created, kitchen swept…

All in a very great stillness. Nothing necessary.

Isn’t it exciting to have none of that stuff done yet, if it isn’t?

Much love, Grace

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No One Knows What Death Is–So Question Your Thoughts About It

Recently a sincere inquirer contacted me to do some work on her sadness and depression about death.

Powerful topic, to say the least.

“I’m not afraid of death….I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” ~ Woody Allen

The funny thing about death is that it appears to be something that occurs to every living entity. An end of sorts, with no turning back. And from a very early age, this mystery is often spoken and taught about as…… terrible.

Horrible images of absence, violence, blood, gore, hell, a dark abyss, vacant silence and fear arise in stories we hear, in conversation around us. When we’re kids, we see the grownups around us cry or mourn, sometimes desperately, for someone gone.

We think….”Oh, death must be the worst thing that could ever happen!”

But who would you be without that belief? 

It’s strange to imagine. However, notice the argument with reality to believe death is bad, wrong, incorrect. An argument with something greater than yourself.

An argument that says “this should not be that way, we should live forever, we shouldn’t die, whoever set this up (God) must be a masochist or a sadist, I can’t stand it, it hurts too much…”

“Argue with reality and you lose, but only 100% of the time.” ~ Byron Katie 

Turning around your thoughts, ideas, beliefs and turmoil about death, what if you considered these opposites?

LIFE is terrible….is it possible I’m upset with my life? What if Death is as good as life (which is really wonderful)? What if Death is a birth, a beginning, a transition, a metamorphosis?

What if I can stand it, it doesn’t hurt too much, we should die? Perhaps my thinking is the masochist or sadist, no one should live forever….or maybe we do.

Could it be that when I imagine death to be so frightening and threatening and awful….that I’m really imagining things, with this brilliant and creative mind?

“Death is not extinguishing the light; it is only putting out the lamp because the dawn has come.” ~ Rabindranath Tagore 

I may even consider death to be appealing because my life is not so pleasant.

But can you know death is any better than life?

What if you even just considered the possibility that it’s all equal, no state better or worse than the other?

What if you simply do not know, can’t really know (with your thinking at least), and gave yourself a break trying to know?

I find this…….very exciting.

“The Unknown is more vast, more open, more peaceful, and more freeing than you ever imagined it would be. If you don’t experience it that way, it means you’re not resting there; you’re still trying to know. That will cause you to suffer because you’re choosing security over Freedom.” ~ Adyashanti 

I know the pain of losing someone, losing an adorable furry friend, saying goodbye to a home, a way of life, a town, a country, a special precious item…..is, well, pain.

Dreadful pain.

You are not wrong to feel the separation, the deep cut of grief.

But who, or what, would you be without your beliefs about death?

No one knows what death is. Maybe it’s not a something; maybe it’s not even a nothing. It’s the pure unknown, and I love that. We imagine death is a state of being or a state of nothingness, and we frighten ourselves with our own concepts.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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Money – Gathering Money Like A Bee Gathers Honey

Oh so excited to begin the 8-week journey with Money starting Wednesdays 4/16.

Details: 5:15 pm – 6:45 pm Pacific Time. Click Here for more.

There are no guarantees of course for any “cures” about anything in life….like lack of money or painful relationships or ways to prevent traumas from occurring.

But I love that with The Work of Byron Katie one can first identify what it is running in their minds, that they never even thought of questioning before….and then take it into a personal, deep investigation to see if its really true.

Just because you investigate doesn’t always mean you find out it isn’t true for you, ever ever, or that suddenly all is supremely well and you never think about that issue again.

When I had no money left, no money coming in, a negative balance because of debt, and was ready to give up entirely….

….I couldn’t do some kind of mind trick, or The Work, and create a full bank account and freedom from debt in one day.

Affirmations or positive thinking were not the answer, that’s for sure.

This internal work is not about snapping your fingers, magic, instant wealth (unless it is). It is about looking, deeply, carefully, steadily at what is the truth and what is being called for in your life.

What are you being invited to see? What are you being invited to do? What have you believed about money and the flow in and out of resources in your life….maybe since you were a kid?

These are big, wide questions.

When I was panicking and with so very little money in my life at a time of great change, I had to answer these questions if I really wanted to take a good look.

I felt like I was on the Titanic. There was a humongous leak in my thinking, and I was going down fast. My ship prior to that time had looked like there wasn’t really a major problem. I had been in calm, shallow seas.

(Notice the word “shallow”).

I had not been forced to look at how I viewed money, until there was a major crisis in my life.

Not everyone gets the excitement, adventure and powerful possibilities for change that I got. It took a dramatic shock for me to wake up and stop pretending that I didn’t need, want or care about money….or find it all that valuable.

And here’s the funny thing that happened: when I really investigated, when I lost just about everything (all that was necessary to wake me up) I cared in a very deep, abiding, wonderful way.

I started a joyful love affair with money where I trusted it by loving and trusting myself.

And money began to trust me. I became a good caretaker of it.

As I did The Work, with the help of a wonderful facilitator by the way (I couldn’t sit and do that work on my own, my mind raced too quickly with fear) I was able to find a new kind of energy from within.

It didn’t really have to do with money. Money was a manifestation of the loving energy I had found.

I was able to be honest, clear, and kind…..with my own mind, with my own thinking.

If you find that you have distrust, fear, anxiety, worry about the future, discomfort with your past around money….and you’re ready to take a look at some of your stressful thoughts and money….

….consider joining our group on Wednesday this week via phone or skype. There are 3 more spots available.

“The wise who are trained and disciplined Shine out like beacon-lights. They earn money just as a bee gathers honey without harming the flowers, and they let it grow as an ant-hill slowly gains in heights. With wealth wisely gained they use it for the benefit of all.” ~ Digha Nikaya

Life with money is fascinating, mysterious, and sometimes very unsettling.

The good news: your thinking is the unsettled thing, not so much money. It does what it does.

But if you question your own thinking, you may see money differently, feel differently, notice differently.

“If people are living their lives for security and comfort and pleasure, then mind’s every waking moment will be plotting those things. That’s how it stays identified – as a body, as a you. The moment it begins to question itself, the mind becomes so clear that it starts working with itself rather than with the body’s identification.” ~ Byron Katie

Honey Money. Money Honey. You are a fabulous bee.

What a fun, thrilling investigation.

Much love, Grace

 

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The Futile Search For What You Want

I love getting a bird’s eye view of the story of Something Wanted.

There’s the dreamy thing I want. Mmmm. Fabulous. Can’t wait. Reaching for it. Almost got it.

Or maybe it’s far away, very elusive, in the distant future. Frustrated, never getting there. Been trying for years.

People feel this way about finding a mate, success in their career, money, achieving enlightenment.

Not quite having it, or not having it for a very long time….both could generate a little stress.

Or become very aggravating.

But getting that broad, expansive, all-inclusive view from a higher altitude where you can see the whole landscape, can be a great relief.

Doing The Work is a way to get that view.

Is it true that I want it?

Is it true that I don’t have it yet? What do I want it for, anyway? Why do I imagine that I don’t have this thing? What terrible thing will happen if I never get it?

The mind is very interested in these questions.

It is very interested in the potential failure, the absence of this wanted thing, how to prevent lack of achievement, what should be done next, and how to fix this situation, improve it, or make a plan.

The mind has the vision.

Fabulous partner. One Million Dollars. Applause From Audience. Liberation.

People do all kinds of crazy stuff….well, OK…I myself have done all kinds of crazy stuff in order to GET that desired state in the future.

Spent money. Gone on retreats. Hired specialists.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. In fact everything I’ve ever been drawn to has been a beautiful step or experience in whatever needed to come next.

But without that push, that focused, sometimes grabby, demanding energy that really believes it needs that thing…..who would you be?

“What” would you be, without that thought of the Something Wanted?

“It is the nature of all dreams that the characters therein are so busy being–well, dream characters–that the bigger reality of what lies outside the dream state eludes them……ultimately it is ignorance (the belief in things that are untrue) that imprisons us within a trance state, which is induced by taking the conditioned stream of thinking within one’s mind to be true. If we are to awaken from the mind’s hypnotic embrace, we must question all of our beliefs and assumptions down to the very source of our being until that which is true, real, and everlasting reveals itself.” ~ Adyashanti
Stunning to think of who I would be without that thought. Or that one. Without the thoughts that I want, need or am headed towards something where I’ll have More.
Turning the thought around that there is Something Wanted?
There is NOT anything wanted, in any future.
How could that be true, for me….cosmic as it sounds?
Because I notice right now, I am alive, feeling, being. I have no idea what anything is for. I do not know why anything is the way it is. I never will.
Now that is absolutely hilarious.
There is no need for a mate, more money, enlightenment, success. Because right now this here is enough and beyond enough.
“When the mind is perfectly clear, what is is what we want. If you want reality to be different than it is, you might as well try to teach a cat to bark.” ~ Byron Katie 

That means, there is nothing required of you. Can you feel how amazing that is?

“Seek not outside yourself, for all your pain comes simply from a futile search for what you want, insisting where it must be found.” ~ Course In Miracles

If you’re interested in changing your Money Story…a group will begin on Weds 5:15 pm Pacific time to investigate the truth. Your answers only. You get to see who you’d be without your thoughts.

Much love, Grace

 

 

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Create A Safe Place Inside You, Investigating Money

Next week another wonderful group is going to begin to examine beliefs that are upsetting about money.

If you’re really worried about not having enough, for example….it could be very liberating to question.

You also may be opposed to giving money for a class about money, even though you’re aware that “spending” some time taking a deeper look at your relationship and thoughts about money might be REALLY powerful.

(If that’s the case, and you’re really low on income right now, write to me by the way. I don’t refuse people if they want this work, there is room in the class, and they happen to be unemployed or some other difficult circumstance).

Thoughts about money are often that it is limited, there isn’t enough, and you may hurt….later….unless you’re really careful. So it’s hard to let it go.

Trouble is, if it’s hard to let go of, it may be also hard to receive.

Let’s take a look today at one of my favorite investigations on money.

Why do you want more? 

What would more money give you, if you had it?

Even just a wee bit, but perhaps a LOT more, it doesn’t matter. You have your dream, and it involves more money. Maybe for you, you’d like more money that is all clearly yours, your bank account, your own resources, a fund just for YOU and no one else. 

You earned it, you deserve it, your ideas created it.

Now, don’t you go and start feeling guilty. Don’t think you’re a selfish first-world nervous ninny, or that you should feel grateful instead of grabby.

You feel the way you feel. 

There are no rules. We’re entering this work from the point of view of reality. All things possible. Everything capable of change, right in this second. Nothing static. No guarantees. Wild mystery. 

And money, it appears, is a form of exchange here on planet earth. You trade it for other things. You express what you care about with it. You use it for what serves you.

So what would more money give you? Or different money, if you’re clear that simply more isn’t that interesting?

In sitting with this deeply over time, I found the following qualities I believed would be present, with ample money: assurance, support, safety, comfort, insurance against difficult times in the future, fun, adventure, happiness, generosity, excitement, joy.

Yowser, that’s a lot of expectations on money.

Without any money, the opposite qualities come to mind, in this world of duality:hunger, pain, sickness, abandonment, threat, discomfort, worse times in the future, seriousness, boredom, narrow life, unhappiness, not able to be generous, neediness, panic, grief.

Time for inquiry.

Is it true that with money….the good stuff…..without money….the bad stuff? 

No. I’ve seen very wealthy people who are totally worried and anxious and insecure. I’ve seen very poor people who are excited, joyful and open. I’ve been both myself! (What a trip).

How do I react when I believe my thoughts about money?

My body is flooded with stress, anxiety. I begin planning. I work until midnight. I feel competitive with time…like I’m racing against a limited amount. 

Must. Get. There. Before. I. Die. 

I remember being a child, who didn’t have to worry about money or food or loss. It seems so long ago. I think of the world as a hard-ass, complicated, tricky place when it comes to money, work, payments, receipts, calculations, amounts moving from here to there.

I want to give up. Deflated. Worth less. 

Who would I be without these thoughts about wanting more money, needing a certain amount of money, or that money represents safety, security, ease in the future?

Really. This is a huge big incredible leap into another paradigm. A world without negative, busy, anxious thought. A world with room to breath and look around.  

Without the thought that I want more “money” (safety, joy, excitement, adventure, comfort, insurance) or that I don’t have enough?

Instead of nerves, my body is flooded with sweetness. 

Eyes wide open. I see my hands, the edges of the frames of my new purple reading glasses, I feel the chair beneath my thighs, my heart beating. 

Without the idea that more would be better….I would be stunning really. I take the deepest breath and notice it’s enough. Something is very exciting here. This moment. 

“On the surface, this is about finances. But beneath that, this question comes from the feeling that your life can be taken away from you. You think that money protects you from total loss of control and if there isn’t enough of it, unseen forces will overwhelm you. Rather than tackling the money issue, it’s time to create a safe place inside you.” ~ Deepak Chopra

If little piles of colored paper with faces on it, and round metal pieces of various sizes, had nothing to do with my future security, my happiness, a sense of adventure, comfort, care, worthiness or safety….

….I notice the joy of having what I have. Starting with lungs that can breathe. A house, a beautiful office, a driveway, a yard, an entire world full of adventures right in my own neighborhood. I have connection, intimacy, joy and fun.

And within, within, a vast space of silence, vibrating emptiness, thrill, ease, fearlessness, courage, creativity in this colorful moment.

Unlimited.

Without any rules about money or beliefs about money, I can get up and walk and knock on the next door and ask for work. I can ask people questions who have a whole lot of money or who have very little money. I can lie in the sun on the grass and stay there as long as I like. I can find a place to live where there is no need to give money in exchange. I can feel the spectacular energy of artistic creativity pouring out of me in the form of service, writing my book, ideas for inquiry.

I turn the thoughts around. 

I want more of me, here now. I want myself. All my thinking, all my feelings, everything welcome. I want my thoughts…I love my thoughts. My thoughts bring me assurance about myself. 

Maybe money wants more of me, too. Maybe it’s waiting for my next move, with joyous anticipation.

How can I bring myself assurance, with my own thinking, instead of wanting this thing called money to bring assurance to me? 

Wow. I can give myself adventure, support, safety, comfort, generosity, happiness, joy. 

“When you are concerned with making money you want the future more than the present. Whenever you want the future more than you want the present, true intelligence cannot flow into what you do, because it can do so only when you are totally aligned with the present moment. So, instead, what you do is ego, or it comes from ego……Whatever you do in your daily life – driving from here to there, trying to reach someone on the phone, doing this or that – you always are going toward somewhere. That’s inevitable. But the question is: Is that purpose in the future more important to you than what you are doing in the present? If it is, then it is a form of ego. The ego always looks toward the next moment for some kind of fulfillment.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

In this moment, I give abundantly to myself by staying here, with this sparkling, peaceful, mysterious present moment.

“We join spokes together in a wheel, but it is the center hole that makes the wagon move. We shape clay into a pot, but it is the emptiness inside that holds whatever we want. We hammer wood for a house, but it is the inner space that makes it livable. We work with being, but non-being is what we use.” ~ Tao Te Ching #11 

If you’d like to join a group on the phone or skype, look at an exercise each week to help uncover those fascinating and sometimes exceptionally painful concerns about money, then write to me at grace@workwithgrace.com. We start next Wednesday 4/16 at 5:15 pm Pacific time.

The emptiness inside holds whatever you want. 

When you know this to be true (and you do) then who knows what can happen, right now, with money. 

Much love, Grace

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Not Wanting Death is A Recipe For Unhappiness

Deep in the middle of a dark, rainy day last winter, I noticed one of my neighbors limping.

We had many talks over the fence during summer lawn-mowing days. We took in each other’s mail if we were ever on vacation. I borrowed their ladder.

I had the thought at the time to joke with him because I myself was on crutches, not able to sit, and mostly lying in bed, healing.

I’ll talk with him once I’m back on my feet, I thought. 

He and his partner left their usual holiday goodies tin at our door. They made them together for everyone in the neighborhood every year. I had heard them knock, but couldn’t get up to answer. 

Then it just seemed quieter over there. Much quieter. I never saw my neighbor with the limp. I had the thought that he was gone.

Yesterday, I finally went over to their house to check in, say hello. No answer, so I left a card in their mailbox. 

It turned out, he recently died. 

His limp was cancer riddling his leg and then his whole body. 

I talked for a long time with his life partner, more than we ever have in 8 years of being neighbors. I heard about both their families, the story of the disease, the funeral. 

I can hear the mind get fired up, begin to make comments here and there in the background. 

I should have gone over there sooner. I could have had them come by for tea during the holidays. We never shared a meal. There’s nothing I can do now. I missed my chance. He’s gone. He was younger than me. Everything’s temporary.

I know its not true. But a melancholy sense of the briefness of life. 

How do I react when I believe he died and I’ll never get the chance to deepen the relationship, see him, do happy neighborly things, share more?

Sad, concerned, aware of how brief This all seems sometimes. Then I also have a voice that thinks it doesn’t matter, we weren’t very close. People die every day. 

The reactive mind sorts, categorizes, evaluates, chatters. Trying to reduce pain, manage information, protect, alert. 

So who would I be without the belief that I missed my chance to connect? Without the thought that it went less than the way it could have gone, that I should have gone over there sooner?

Here in the present, simply taking in this information. 

“Do you ever look in the mirror and wonder where the ‘younger you’ went? That is the unchanging sense of being noticing the changing world. Change can only be noticed against a background of stillness. There can be stillness without change, but there cannot be change without stillness.” ~ Fred Davis

Turning the thoughts around that my neighbor died, that it was a surprise, that it’s troubling to be unaware of when the ‘end’ will come, that I missed a chance for greater connection….

….an sense of the unknown fills the room, an alive pulsing mystery.

The wind blows a wind chime, the heater kicks on and hums, the lights glow. I look around and there are pictures, colors, shapes absolutely everywhere.

There is memory of my dear neighbors, one now without a body, one still in a body, also here in this present moment.

I shouldn’t have done anything sooner. It was perfect not to have them over for tea. We shared all that was needed to share. There’s anything and everything I can do now. I gained my chance for connection. He’s here. He was younger than me, how wonderful. 

Everything’s temporary.

Now, today, in this moment I notice the change in everything, every moment. The movement of all things. Energy and stillness. 

Today, I am here, tomorrow perhaps not. Halleluia.

“No argument in the world can make the slightest dent in what has already happened. Prayer can’t change it, begging and pleading can’t change it, punishing yourself can’t change it, your will has no power at all………nothing less than an open mind is creative enough to free you from the pain of arguing with what is. An open mind is the only way to peace. As long as you think that you know what should and shouldn’t happen, you’re trying to manipulate God. This is a recipe for unhappiness.” ~ Byron Katie

Today, I love being reminded through my dear neighbor’s passing, of even being willing to consider what is wonderful about everything being temporary, including my life.

What is wonderful about death for you, today? 

Much love, Grace

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Nothing Ever Goes Wrong

Yesterday morning in our YOI (Year of Inquiry) Tuesday group we began looking at The Worst That Could Happen, our topic for the month.

It’s not easy. 

Often the way the human mind works is that it will flash images of that worse case scenario, and also chatter (or scream) at you about how you better make sure to prevent it or do everything you can to try.

Then your mind will also say “You have to stop thinking about this! Control yourself! What’s wrong with you?!”

When people think of the worst case scenarios that could happen in their lives, just the very exercise of calling this forth can be stressful, troubling. 

Why think about that? Don’t we have enough stress as it is, with regular life, not to add in MORE drama and trauma? Jeez, are you trying to bring me down?

But returning and considering my greatest fears, many times now using The Work, has been a way to stop, wait, pause, investigate and actually melt that pain.

Really.

While people had very disturbing worst case scenarios in our group yesterday…..death of those we love, destruction, loss, suicide, trapped…..one brave inquirer focused on losing all possessions, money, assets, and her home.

Can you imagine it?

It’s an alarming idea for many. Owning nothing, having nothing.

Let’s look at a very simple, very painful thought, that appears for so many at some time in our lives. It doesn’t necessarily have to be losing your savings, or house. It may be your marriage, your youth, your family, your sanity, your freedom.

You lost it. 

Is that true?

Yes. I once had a big beautiful house. I once was a child who never worried about money, or body image (which plagued me in my twenties). I once had two young children and an intact family. I once had a leg without huge scars in it from 250 stitches, accidents and cancer. I once had a dad who was alive.

I lost them all.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true, that I lost them? 

No. First of all, I do remember all these things, I remember them before, and after. I feel the joy of having had them, and now, I have something different. I know everything in this entire world is temporary, everything changes. 

Second of all, I’m not sure who the “I” is who lost something. Even if I did know who or what “I” was, I definitely can’t know that “I” lost it.

So how to I react when I think the thought that I lost something, or that I COULD lose something around the next corner?

Sad, terrified, anxious, full of plans, controlling my environment, expending energy on keeping things together. Spending time thinking about losing stuff, distracting myself from believing this, talking myself down.

Quick! Think about something nice!

When I was a little kid of about 8 years old, my dad told me I could think about something pleasant if I woke up having a nightmare. I thought of a dancing ballerina wind-up music jewelry box. 

But it didn’t really work all that well. I’d feel the haunting nightmare over my right shoulder, while staring into the spinning ballerina and hearing the music in my mind, kind of like stuck between the two paradigms. Believing both were possible.

It helped a little. Maybe.

With the thought that loss is possible? Panic. Worry. Sadness.

Who would I be without that thought though? Not as an act of dancing ballerina, but instead seeing this thing full on that I am calling loss: no house anymore, no money, no car, no health, no family. It’s gone.

But I don’t have the thought that it is lost.

I sit for a moment. I watch the mind rattle that idea around. I look around, even right now, typing as rain hits the window pane. The quiet room pulsing with life. Lights, cup, table, fingers.

Without the thought that if something is gone, it MEANS that it is LOST….

….a very small chuckle, a kind of pin prick of light enters in the back of my mind. Sort of behind, from somewhere in the distance, and yet not the distance. A fluttering in the center of my chest. Tears almost choking up into my throat, but they are oddly joyful, a warm buzzing heat through my whole body.

Nothing is lost. 

I found it. 

Could this be as true, or truer? 

Like the moment in the movie Titanic when Leonardo Dicaprio unhooks from the destroyed piece of floating ship raft, and his frozen body sinks and fades into oblivion, into the ocean. Not lost. Found. 

“Nothing ever goes wrong.” ~ Nisargadatta Maharaj

What if all these things lost me?

I try on this turnaround. They lost me. I became unhooked from those stories, I stopped knowing which way was up or down, I fell backwards, I relaxed, I stopped pushing forward, I surrendered, people helped me. 

In that terrible moment of the Worst Case Scenario, how would I know it’s not really the best case scenario? Maybe death, letting go, endings, giving up, hands opening, stopping….maybe these are where we are going anyway, all of us. No choice in the matter. 

All I know is, when I lost my house, my money, most of my possessions….it was a wake up call of a lifetime. It rocked and shook things up so deeply and I came to a fork in the road where I could HATE myself or LOVE myself, and everyone involved. 

I could find fault with others and this situation, and with myself….or not. 

I did The Work, and I couldn’t choose anything but love, or I would have been lying.

Since I “lost” everything, I have gained confidence, clarity, aliveness, energy, freedom, creativity, an inner silence that is unshakable (so far…mostly), and a sense that I can handle just about anything that was never before felt. I have a thriving and growing business doing The Work. I’m writing a book. I have zero debt with the exception of one mortgage, that I’m paying off. 

Would I trade that, for having that house and money that I “lost” back?

No. Thank you.

“That’s why you usually have a good laugh, because you realize that all your struggles were made up. You conjured them up out of nothing–with a thought that was linked to another thought, that was then believed, that linked to another thought that was then believed. But never could it have been true, not for a second could it have actually existed. Not ever could you have actually suffered for a reason that was true–only through an imagination, good, bad, indifferent.” ~ Adyashanti

If you’d like to go on a journey exploring your stories about MONEY starting next week at 5:15 pm-6:45 pm pacific time, join me for an 8 week trip. It may change your entire story. It sure changed mine.

We start 4/16 and end 6/4….but you can keep going after that. 

And the story might get better and better. 

Much love, Grace

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When Wanting More Or Less Contact Is Stressful

An inquirer wrote me recently and asked me to write about the experience of people being offended when you set a boundary.

Of course, I don’t know the exact situation and what everyone involved is thinking, feeling, assuming, wondering or feeling stress about.

But what a great situation to investigate….because I’ve got a personal example.

Let’s say you email, send letters, send gifts, call someone, make contact every so often….and you do indeed care about them, it’s not like you hate them or anything….

….but they never respond very quickly. Or at all.

Sometimes people have this experience with family members, their kids, their grandchildren, an old neighbor, someone they used to work with.

It’s a kind of dud communication. Uneventful, unsatisfying, or just nada. Nothing there.

Then let’s say….a completely different kind of communication goes on in another type of situation, where you are the RECEIVER of emails, letters, texts, phone calls, requests for coffee, how-are-you messages….

….but YOU don’t really feel moved to write back or return the call. 

I’ve had both. 

You may lean one way more often than the other, depending on your personality or preferences. 

So what’s going on when you feel trouble in either side of these scenarios?

Usually, some basic assumptions are going on….that hurt: They don’t like me, they think I have nothing to offer, he is too demanding and needy, she is too impatient, I need to tell him to stop, I need to tell her I’m giving up and won’t call again, that person is rude, they think I am rude, I need him to call me, I need her to stop calling me, scream!

So whatever your situation, whichever side of the scene you’ve been on, whether you’ve been reaching out to no avail, or someone is over-contacting you and won’t stop…..let’s do The Work.

I need to do something (speak up, set limits….something). 

Is it true? Are you sure?

Feel what is happening in your body. Are you trying to control the situation? Do you feel nervous, or afraid, or sad? Are you thinking that person isn’t safe? Are you feeling hurt?

Do you have to do something?

Well. No. I could pause. 

How do you react when you believe you have to do something about this error in communication? Whether too much or too little, for you to be happy.

Wow, all kinds of reactions. Like…FINE, I’ll stop ever ever making any attempts to contact them. FINE, I’ll delete their phone number from my cell phone. FINE, I’ll write a goodbye letter explaining how I will no longer be their friend. FINE, I’ll make myself forget about her. FINE, I’ll send an email saying Do Not Contact, No Exceptions.

But who would you be without the thought that this is not acceptable, and you needa do something about this whole communication break-down?

“True communication is communion–the realization of oneness, which is love.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

One of my favorite teachers, Anthony de Mello, speaks often of the burden of being a slave to the behavior and attitude of People. When people reject you, or praise you, notice the power they hold. Rejection may mean silence for you, praise may mean they call you back right away. 

Notice how you assess them based on their reactions, efforts, contact, appropriateness. 

Who would you be if it did not matter how others respond, or do not respond? Who would you be if you knew you were one with life, with the present moment, and within that present moment people come and they go?

Without the belief that you MUST do something to stop or start better communication……you may or may not do something, and you may enter another place of being altogether with those others. An unknown place, mysterious, clear, open to change at any moment, resting without change. 

No need for control, or being nice, or pushing, or complying.

I turn the thought around: I do not have to do anything about this communication situation. I have to do something about communicating with ME in this situation.  

There are no rules about who should communicate when, or how, or how frequently, or in which manner. 

I am moved to speak, with peace, or respond in perfect timing, or notice that I can’t actually get to all the emails I have. Nothing personal. 

“Isn’t what you really want is to meet the world, kicked back? Without the thought that you need anyone is to be open to every human being, every cat, dog and tree. And you don’t have to marry anyone just because they’ve flattered you.” ~ Byron Katie

I notice that every moment I can question my mind. I can see what my story is and see if it’s really true. Even in small (or large) communications between me and other humans. 

When I communicate with myself, with love and compassion and trust, when I care for myself so dearly and lovingly and give myself exactly what I need, I notice that I am very kind to others, very open, very interested. 

Or silent. 

If they object to how I respond to them, I might say “tell me more, I want to understand.” 

But only if I really do. 

Much love, Grace

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Not Believing Your 10,000 Thoughts = Peace Around Food (Or Anything)

Wow, I loved doing The Work this past weekend in Horrible Food Wonderful Food with the beautiful inquirers who wanted to look at the way they eat, view their bodies and examine their compulsive movements with food.

Not only did we question powerful thoughts like “there won’t be enough for me” but we also looked at one person in our lives whose behavior, words, or even a “look” disturbed us.

That person was bothersome….and it may appear that they have nothing to do with our relationship with food or eating.

But it may be more closely related than you think.

Try this test.

First, pick a situation where you got scared, upset, nervous, irritated, worried, confused. It’s a scene from your life. There was another person, or a group of people, involved.

It can be hard to choose sometimes, when there might be many moments spent with this other individual. So allow one particularly troubling moment to come to mind.

It doesn’t even have to be that big of a deal….the most important thing is you have some objection to someone. You didn’t like something about the situation you experienced with them.

Then, write down all your beliefs about this situation. Write down why you’re disappointed or nervous, what you would prefer instead, what you wanted, what you needed in order to be happy.

Now you have your troubling concepts written, on paper, in front of you.

Here’s where the interesting part about food and eating…or ANY addiction…comes in as a part of your investigation into your stressful experience of reality.

Let’s say you write this about someone: I am upset with him because he lied to me. I want him to grow up. I want him to vanish. He shouldn’t have ever started talking to me. He should cut the crap. I need him to apologize, relax, stop being so dramatic, enjoy his own life. 

You may then do The Work with any one of these concepts, asking the four questions and finding your turnarounds (opposites) and exploring the truth of your story and if you really believe it.

Now, to investigate further with your addictive substance (in my case it was food)….here’s the interesting test:

Turn all your thoughts around to the opposite, to yourself, and plug in the word “food” and try it on like you’re trying on a different outfit.

I am upset with myself because I lied to myself about food. I want me to grow up when it comes to food. I want my thinking about food to vanish. I shouldn’t have ever started talking to myself about food. I should cut the crap. I need me to apologize to food (to my body), to relax, to stop being so dramatic, to enjoy my own life especially when it comes to eating food. 

Wow. What an awesome prescription for what I needed to do next, to face my addictive behavior.

I can spend more time with this prescription, specialized for me only as it was built out of my own stressful perceptions (of that other person).

Instead of that other person, or thing like food, needing to change, in order for me to be comfortable, could it be ME who could be comfortable first?

Can I stop lying to myself and telling myself all kinds of detailed, intricate, wild, chaotic, sad, violent stories about food, eating and this body?

“You just stop telling your mind that its job is to fix your personal problems. This job has broken the mind and disturbed the entire psyche. It has created fear, anxiety and neurosis. Your mind has very little control over this world. It is neither omniscient nor omnipotent….You have given your mind an impossible task by asking it to manipulate the world in order to fix your personal inner problems.” ~ Michael Singer 

Today, I know that eating something will not solve my personal inner problems. It will only fuel them, quite honestly.

Drinking, smoking, engaging in obsessive thinking about a relationship, shopping, cleaning, setting goals….these also won’t resolve anything in the inner world. Yes, they will distract me, cause temporary memory loss, create drama, make me feel relief.

But all that is really not that fun. I tried them all and they really all stopped working. And I wanted more than relief.

I wanted liberation.

So in that moment when you feel like reaching towards something like a candy bar, a cigarette, a magazine, memories of that giddy moment with a lover….

….could you remember to ask yourself “is it true, that I need or want this?”

Is it true that this present moment isn’t good enough?

Is it true that I’m hungry? Or unhappy? Or lonely?

Is it true that this moment won’t be changing in a few seconds, without my help?

“You can have ten thousand thoughts a minute, and if you don’t believe them, your heart remains at peace.” ~ Byron Katie

Doing The Work on anything addictive, on others, on what I object to in my life in any way….is such a great alternative job for this analytical mind than demanding it resolve the situations or people I encounter in my life.

And funny thing….the more I have done The Work….

….the urges, cravings, commands, demands to DO something (like eat, or think, or plan)….

….all vanish.

For all those who wrote to me about doing Horrible Food Wonderful Food via web cast, YES, I will do an online retreat soon on this topic where you can join from anywhere in the world.

I love your creative ideas, and your sweet and amazing desire to set yourself free.

Much love,

Grace

 

 

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Your Hidden Beliefs That Drive Addiction (Like Overeating!)

Even though we have a small group today, we’re on. We’re goin’ for it. The time has come. Day retreat here in Seattle on food and eating. Come on over!

Time to rip off the overlying cement layer of pain that drives addictive behavior, and check under the hood.

If you’re in Seattle and can make it by 10 am out to Goldilocks Cottage in the northeast end….then we’re taking the trip in to investigate hunger, cravings, the urge to eat when you’re not exactly hungry, and what you don’t like about your body.

Call me at 206-650-1230. You can also register by clicking right here, and I’ll send you directions and all you will need to join us.

You don’t need extensive experience doing The Work, you only need an open mind and a readiness to take a look at what is going on inside it that makes you eat or feel about food in a way you don’t really like.

Even if you’re not near Seattle….you can start right now on looking at any addictive pattern you may enter. Keep reading.

It almost doesn’t matter what you do. The outcome bothers you.

Some people can’t stop cleaning, pulling at their hang nails, watching TV, thinking about their “ex”.

And then you attack yourself for being such a dunce, for eating wheat or sugar again, for stuffing your face. Because there’s obviously something wrong with you.

But what if you set those really intense, heavy, negative, mean thoughts that you yell at yourself completely aside?

This is the cement layer that often, can’t be penetrated.

The self-hate is so vicious, you just want to get some relief, get away, rest, and find some solid ground. Your own mind seems to be an enemy. You give yourself the nastiest motivational speeches you’ve ever heard. If anyone else spoke to you that way, they’d be called totally insane, or seriously abusive.

But instead of trying to get away from that Mean Voice today, how about let’s see if there’s something else present, that you may not be quite seeing directly, that you’re believing to be true.

This might be hard, but it’s worth it.

Answer these questions:

  • What else are you hungry for, besides food (or whatever else you use to get distracted)?
  • What is not exactly satisfying, in your life?
  • Where do you not feel satiated, full, or comforted?
  • What about your life feels empty?
  • Do you feel dependent on anything? What?
  • Where do you feel unsafe, nervous, or terrified…past or present?
  • When do you say “yes” when you’d prefer to say “no”?

Enough questions, for now.

What are your answers?

What I know is that food is required for life, apparently. It’s a source of life. It’s pleasurable. It’s comforting and soothing. At just the right amounts, in balance. Too much food is sickening, frustrating, and uncomfortable.

But if you overeat, something inside of you believes it is worth the discomfort….it’s giving you something you think you need.

Maybe there’s something else, a ghost hunger, that you’d rather NOT see. Maybe it’s frightening, very sad, or feels hopeless to see this thing you want or wish for.

You don’t ever have to look at your thoughts…..but if you don’t….you’ll keep having the yo-yo problem of being in control, then out of control, up then down, barely relaxed for a moment, then panicked. Swinging all over the place, and then making a new food plan.

The inquirers who can come at 10 am today are bravely going to take a look at this “problem”. You can too, sitting quietly by yourself wherever you live, to write what seems to be really true for you.

Once you identify your struggle in a way that is beyond “I can’t control myself” or “I’m hideously fat” or “I’m a rotten person” then you’ll be able to question what you’re believing.

Once you question what you’re believing, you may find your urges and cravings begin to dissolve. You may relax.

“…we are in a psychological prison created by our minds. Until we begin to realize how confined we are, we will not be able to find our way out. Neither will we find our way out by struggling against the confines we have inherited from our parents, society, and culture. It is only by beginning to examine and realize the falseness within our minds that we begin to awaken an intelligence that originates from beyond the realm of thinking.” ~ Adyashanti 

Beyond the realm of thinking!? Wow, really?

It means you don’t have to be a brilliant thinker to become free from compulsive behavior.

“God doesn’t make junk. It’s wonderful to realize that it’s not a possibility. There is no mistake.” ~ Byron Katie

Just for today, quiet yourself, and write down some of your stressful, repetitive thoughts. Once they’re in writing, you’ll be able to take them into inquiry.

You can do this.

Much love, Grace