Category: The Work of Byron Katie

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How Would It Be? Song For You

Today I’m sharing with you all a song that a dear inquirer in the Year of Inquiry program shared with our group.

We call it our Doing The Work theme song.

Who would you be without your sad, hard, agonizing, painful story?

Play it here, and enjoy.

(You can find the artist, Ellis, at ellis-music.com)

The next Year of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind group begins on Friday, March 7th.

Our small group will meet for a whole year with 3 telegroups per month, from 9-10:30 am Pacific time. With 2 optional in-person retreats in Seattle.

Lucky in YOI

“Thanks for putting up with me. It still amazes me to be so well received. I feel closer to you all than people I have known for decades. What a gift you all are and I thank my lucky stars!” ~ YOI member

With love, Grace

 

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It Needed To Happen

Yesterday in the telegroup working on Money, we were meeting for the 7th time out of 8.

One person said he was feeling discouraged about his lack of action, movement, change around money. Another wave of paying bills and feeling….poor, anxious, worried.

Someone else noticed a huge shift happening not long after the course started, and the change still underway. Money showing up in unexpected places. Thrilled with discovering what thoughts had been in place, feeling them dissolve.

Another participant saw how frightened she was of certain aspects of money like counting it, tracking it, handling it, managing it, saving it….and she signed herself up for a beginners bookkeeping class.

There is no way to ever tell what will happen around the next corner.

All we can see is that right now, we are believing difficult, agonizing, nervous thoughts…..or we are able to see through our thinking to a place beyond fear.

Everyone has that place.

“We either believe what we think or we question it: there’s no other choice. Questioning our thoughts is the kinder way.” ~ Byron Katie

It might feel like a waft of fresh air, holding someone’s hand and feeling connected, or suddenly seeing a huge expansive view appear as you crest the top of a mountain.

Just a small glimpse of hope and a little smile, or a big massive recognition that you’ve been worried when all along it was actually nothing to worry about.

The inquirer who felt like things weren’t changed brought this thought to the surface, for us to question:

I need them to help me stay focused.

Everyone in the class could find a situation, a moment where they believed this thought (or something very close) especially with money or work involved.

I need those teachers, I need that book, I need the information, I need God, I need my friends, I need my family, I need my environment, I need my workplace, I need my boss, I need my partner…..to help me stay focused!!!

This thought often comes alive when focus is “lost”.

Wow, I have lost focus. If I had more of it, if I stayed on track, kept my eyes on the prize….I would Get There Faster.

Getting there faster is better. I know what the final goal is supposed to look like. This is dire. I need to change. This WILL be an emergency soon.

Fear.

Often, when I have felt like this, I have no respect for fun. No time for pleasure, laughter, or stopping for lunch. I’ve paid people money to help me stay on focus (not that there’s anything wrong with that)!

But who would I be without the thought that I need their help, or that I need to stay focused?

It’s a radical idea…..and oh so liberating.

What? I don’t need to stay focused?

Could the way it has gone, so far, be just right? Could it be what has been necessary, so far, for my own growth?

Byron Katie suggests that the way things have gone, to this point right now in your life, is the BEST way possible.

Because every other way is an imagined way. Unreal.

THIS is what I need the world to bring me for my greatest awareness, joy, surrender…..love.

What if “focus”…or whatever you believe is missing…dwells within you, even now?

If you are losing your home and possessions, or something catastrophic has happened, this does not mean Oh Joy that was Brilliant.

That would be ridiculous! (Although what if it was brilliant?)

But even an inkling of the idea that this happened…..and you are OK, you have the ability to go on, to be reborn, to blossom, to grow, to have a very profound shift because you are going through this….

…opening to this, even just a wee teensy tiny bit, could change your life.

Turning the thought around in every way:

I need me to help myself focus, I don’t need them to help me with that, I need to help THEM focus, and, they need to help me stay out-of-focus.

Who knows? I can see when dropping focus, doing the unexpected, and letting things run their course is actually more fun. And more the way of reality.

Roundabout, focused, blurred….whatever is happening, could all be well? Could I feel some peace in the middle of it?

Well, yeah. Probably. OK. Yes.

“Nothing comes ahead of its time, and nothing ever happened that didn’t need to happen.” ~ Byron Katie

With love,

Grace

 

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Worrying About Wants, Cravings and Desires

When people have the experience of over-doing, over-indulging, going too far, having too much, stuffing in work, food, money, experiences, love, sex….

grabbing, craving, wanting, getting, gimme…..

….there is often a judgment that follows about this feeling of desire that it is to be avoided, crushed, and suppressed.

Pleasure? Bad. Desire? Worse. Obsessive craving? Horrid.

Based on past experience of how horrible it feels to have a hangover, or be stuffed with food, or neglect your kids because you’re working so hard….the mind thinks “this craving must be stopped, it’s dangerous”. 

I sure thought that.

So have many people I’ve worked with on their addictive experience, whatever it is. Not just food (my personal favorite) but all kinds of other cravings.

People have told me they wished they could have a lobotomy and cut out the part of their mind that WANTS.

I think the Puritans agreed. And Ascetics.

Anyone interested in controlling themselves and practicing abstaining from “that-seductive-thing”.

Well, that never worked well for me. Like not even for 5 minutes. And I felt really, really bad about it.

Recently, I was remembering a short period of time where I felt that obsessive form of energy about a man.

Instead of cringing the minute I remembered that crush-fear-danger-magnetic-disgust….

….I let the memory live in my mind.

Those memories that make you cringe? GREAT ones for The Work of course!!

Bring ’em on!

That attraction was dangerous.

Is it true?

Yes. He was nuts, he lied, he dropped off the face of the earth, he was depressed. I was SAD.

Can I absolutely KNOW that it’s true that the feeling of attraction was dangerous?

No!

Were my binge-eating, drinking, smoking, over-working, addictive drives ultimately dangerous?

No. I’m still here.

Things got broken apart. Ideas got torn up. Plans got blitzed.

And something new started in its place. Something much more peaceful and expansive.

Something was always there underneath all the destroying and creating going on up on the roller-coaster ride mental surface.

How do I react when I believe that all this wanting or craving is bad news?

I’m against all wanting, craving, desire. I think I need to be vigilant.

I start being against hunger, against the body having needs, against noticing what I find pleasing.

It all gets balled up in one big thought that I want to throw all craving in the garbage.

And if I have one second of craving, I call myself an idiot.

Ouch.

Who would you be without the thought that craving, desiring, wanting, or reaching is bad for me, dangerous, destructive, or wrong?

You mean….this craving could be safe? Neutral? Not something to be afraid of? Natural?

Not something I have to DO something about?

Yes.

Here’s the amazing thing that happens, and I began to notice this long ago around food and eating. If I paused and made no decision, didn’t hack the feeling to bits….

….relaxed, waited….sometimes only for one moment….the craving passed.

Like a wave.

“Each time we move to modify, alter, neutralize or try to get rid of the energies arising, we’re back in the cycle of addictive seeking. We’re looking for something else, something more. We’re trying to control our experience and the thoughts and feelings coming through. We’re overlooking the natural rest of presence.” ~ Scott Kiloby

Turning the thought around:

Being drawn over towards something out there (including a person) is safe, good.

I come back to me, here, now and feeling this thing I’m calling a craving, or an attraction.

Let it be.

Allowing any desires, wants, pleasures to arise and be present….I notice they NEVER stay in the same place.

They build, they shift, they change, they fall away. They are created and they are destroyed. 

“Thoughts are like the wind, or the leaves on the trees, or the raindrops falling. They’re not personal, they don’t belong to us, they just come and go.” ~ Byron Katie 

The relief of knowing that the actual feeling of craving is safe, and normal, can be very liberating.

Who are you without the thought that your attractions are dangerous?

With love,

Grace

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Addicted To Believing

One space left for Eating Peace starting tomorrow 9 am Pacific time. Hit reply if you want to join or have questions.

Yesterday, as I wrote more for the Eating Peace class curriculum (I’m trying not to go overboard) I remembered the concept that many teachers, including Byron Katie, mention about addiction and recovery.

It’s not the substance or the actual behavior that needs to change in order to feel peaceful.

Although….it WILL change and become more peaceful if you get to the bottom of it all.

But the core root of the “problem”, the actual addiction, the uncomfortable, distressing, out-of-control, compulsive experience that throws us off kilter, is our addiction to stressful thinking.

“Addictions are always the effect of an unquestioned mind. The only true addiction to work with is the addiction to your thoughts. As you question those thoughts, that addiction ceases because you no longer believe those thoughts. And as those thoughts cease, as you cease to believe them, then the addictions in your life cease to be. It is a process. And there’s no choice; you believe what you think, or you question it.” ~ Byron Katie 

Now, now.

Don’t start thinking that this means you have to question every single thought that ever entered your head that felt difficult or painful, or every thought that ever felt bad, or every imagined fear that could happen in the future.

I saw you going there! Come on back!

THAT is a thought in itself, that you can’t stop thinking (and you should) and you’ll constantly believe your thoughts, forever.

I’ll never stop thinking of uncomfortable or troubling possibilities in the future. I’ll never stop remembering sad or traumatic things that happened in the past. 

My mind is a maniac…I’ll never get away from…..THINKING!

HHHHEEEEELLLLLPPPPP!!!!! 

Is it true?

Well, have you ever noticed the gaps between thinking, or between difficult experiences? Have you ever noticed there’s slow times and fast times and times in-between?

Do you sometimes sleep? Can you look out the window for a sec? Do you take a deep breath?

Have you ever been thinking something, but not really BELIEVED it? Like some part of you really knows all is well, and you can relax?

Maybe it’s not absolutely true that you’ll never stop thinking fearfully, ruminating, repeating things, seeing the same things over and over in your mind.

It may be possible that you have stopped sometimes.

How do you react when you believe that you’ll NEVER stop thinking, you’ll always believe your thoughts?

Deep despair and discouragement. Longing. Not satisfied. Problem-solving.

Hunting down whatever can stop the thoughts, or appease them.

Sometimes, this means drinking, eating, smoking and doing whatever “works” for you to interrupt the pattern.

Seeking teachers, solutions, whatever you can find that help offer lighter thoughts, fun thoughts, loving thoughts.

And who would you be without the thought that you can’t stop thinking, and you can’t stop believing your thoughts?

Seriously. Who or what would you be?

Without the thought that you have to believe what you think?

Holy Moly!!

Can you imagine not believing everything you think?

So very, very exciting! Curious. Spacious. Free. Wild. Mysterious.

Just to enter the state of not automatically believing everything running through your brain is true. Not the images, the words, the pictures, the ideas, the visions of the future or past.

Not Knowing.

“You don’t have to destroy the character called ‘me’ to wake up from it. In fact, trying to destroy the character makes it very hard to wake up. Because what’s trying to destroy the character? The character. What’s judging the character? The character. So you leave the character alone. The character called you, just leave it alone.” ~ Adyashanti

Turn the thought around: I’ll always stop thinking of uncomfortable or troubling possibilities in the future. I’ll alwaysstop remembering sad or traumatic things that happened in the past. 

Oh. This is just as true. It’s truer.

I don’t have to believe what I think?

WOW.

Noticing this is enough.

And if those terrible, worrisome visions aren’t 100% true, if those bad feelings aren’t staying permanently…

…you may be able to wait, to rest, and see what happens.

Your craving may pass.

With love,

Grace

 

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Mind-Made Not Enougher Videos

Have you ever noticed how quickly your own self-evaluation can win the prize for Vicious Monster or Nit Picky Critic?

You may have met others with mean voices….but the ones you direct towards yourself?

Wow, they can be tough.

When I watched myself for the first time on video the other day (the one I sent you) I wasn’t really mean about it to myself….but I did have a few thoughts.

The difference is in believing them. Joining with them, being sure they are true.

I used to feel a sinking, absolutely horrendous sense of failure, doom or fear about appearing badly.

I thought that if other people saw me with disapproval or negativity, it was about the worst thing that could happen.

My thoughts on watching myself might be like the ones you have if you glance at yourself in the mirror, or see photos of yourself, or have someone give you feedback that isn’t exactly full of praise.

The ones I had the other day ran like this:

  • I am looking up constantly, it looks like I’m having a conversation…..with the ceiling
  • fix the lighting you dork! you are too dark!
  • I speak too slowly or incoherently, not articulate enough
  • I didn’t have a story to really show how powerful questioning pain can be

Not long ago I was working with a man who I’ve been privileged to facilitate for a long long time. In his life, especially with work and career, he repeatedly has believed “I’m not good enough”. 

It comes up so often for many people. And while this belief can be helpful and interesting to question, there is sometimes such a big agenda to Fix That Negative Thought About Me….

….that the real truth can’t really be revealed very easily.

Basically, I can find how my own list while watching myself could fit under the Heading: Not Good Enough.  

Byron Katie warns all the time against doing The Work on yourself.

Such a huge penchant for self-improvement, and it can be almost like an obsession (not that I would know about that)!

But let’s take a closer look and see what might be discovered here.

Is it even true that you aren’t good enough?

Good enough for what?

This is a really valuable question to ponder, and often over-looked or brushed right by.

If you stop and take a look at what you believe you aren’t good enough for….it may start breaking apart your bubble of suffering.

I’m not good enough to create immediate, mind-blowing transformation for people who watch this video.

OK, I can even turn it down a notch: I’m not good enough to make an impact, to make a difference, to effect change.

Now why on earth would I want to do that? What would that give me, if I knew I made a difference or supported change?

Fame? Fortune? Appreciation? Influence? Worthiness? And what would having any of these give me?

You can answer the question from that part of you that cares. Even if another part wants to pooh-pooh this investigation as unnecessary.

What would being truly good enough bring you, if you were?

Safety, Ease, Empowerment, Rest and Relaxation, Gratitude, Joy, Worth.

It’s like there’s a clear image of the Perfect Me, the one who is Good Enough.

My client who has seen this thought rise up over and over has a vision of earning lots of money, and that if he did, he would finally feel good enough.

No debt. Giving lots of gifts. Feeling free.

Others feel that if they had a good body, or ate well, they would be good enough.

Have you ever noticed that this imagined-one-that-is-enough is in the future, or hanging over your head in an imagined ghost ideal version?

“Many people live with a self that is very unpleasant, that creates a lot of problems, a lot of suffering, that continuously criticizes them, that continuously blames them, that tells them they’re not enough…..The mind-made image is connected to thought, to continuous thinking. It’s fueled by, perpetuated by, upheld by the continuous thought processes many of which are about “me”, and my “self.” And so through thought I have a relationship with a thought-made entity, which sometimes feels quite comfortable and sometimes feels not pleasant.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

So is it true that you are not good enough right now, in this present state (even with that blunder you made, or with being mediocre)?

Are you sure you are lacking safety, ease, joy, peace, empowerment, joy, worth, gratitude….or whatever you think you are missing?

No.

Who would you be without the belief that you aren’t good enough, even though you just put your foot in your mouth, even though you have debt and no job, even though you aren’t your ideal weight?

Without that thought?

Such peace and joy, to think of it not being necessary to do ANYTHING to be good enough.

“Awakening doesn’t mean that you awaken. It means that there is only awakening. There is no you who is awake, there is only awakeness. As long as you identify with a you who either is or is not awake, you are still dreaming.” ~ Adyashanti

Turning the thought around:

I am good enough.

Remember what you wanted to be good enough for? The reasons why you need to be good enough?

Are those qualities already present, here, now?

Peace, safety, joy, love, empowerment…

Maybe this “I” of which I speak is not really me. It’s just a story. A mirage. A moving picture. From the past, or the future. A tiny minutia of the Whole Story.

Kind of like a video.

With love, Grace

 

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Ending The Great Escape With Food

I’m adding final touches to the new Eating Peace 8 week teleclass starting this Wednesday Jan. 15th.

Only 2 spaces left.

If you didn’t get the updated eguide with six of the important factors I found most crucial to my own recovery, then click HERE to get it in your Inbox.

I would have loved a better map for my own recovery and peace when I was in great despair about simply eating.

Other people have spent years of their lives drinking alcohol, doing drugs, smoking, gambling, isolating, surfing the net, hunting down the next fun sexual encounter…..or……

….seeking for the answer to life.

Spiritual Seeking.

Where’s the enlightenment??!!! Is it here? Or over there?

Picture a crowd of raving fans running back and forth when someone shouts “The Beatles are about to come out of this door! No wait, it’s the other one!”

Sigh. Chuckle.

It’s my commitment to support others in finding their own freedom and peace, in the most direct route possible.

Maps are good.

They aren’t absolutely required, but oh so helpful. They save time, and energy. They can be shared, you can work with maps as a part of a team. Often, they are aesthetically beautiful.

Good ones include the essentials: side roads, scenic views, construction zones, speedways, oases, places to avoid.

Back when I was in agony about eating…when I didn’t know how to feel peaceful when it came to hunger, fullness, health, weight, exercise or eating…

….or my mind….

…I would have done anything to find that peace.

I spent thousands of dollars and a decade of life on therapy, in-patient treatment, diet books, nutritional programs, and classes. I spent thousands of hours in meetings, meditation, reading…..and circular thinking.

I dropped out of college, I cancelled career pursuits, I didn’t take the usual path (I couldn’t if I wanted to).

Fortunately, life revealed answers and my violence and fear around food began to dissolve, and neutrality, sparkling clarity and peace eventually shone through.

But if through my experience and teaching this awareness might happen sooner and more solidly for even one person, so you can give up the pain of fighting or despair around the natural process of eating…

…then oh JOY!

I’ve had the great privilege to be introduced to Scott Kiloby this past year, a man with an easy, loving and regular-guy way who has been studying his own, and others’ experiences of addiction, for years.

Here are his wise words from his new book Natural Rest for Addiction:  

“Seeking energy is any movement of energy that propels one toward the future in order to escape negative thoughts or feelings or a present sense of lack.”

The Work of Byron Katie and self-inquiry, including what Scott offers, bring the simple idea that awareness is all that’s needed to heal.

Instead of unconscious, compulsive, grabby thinking….you can stop, question, and as Scott says….REST.  

I can ask myself “what do I really think is missing, in this uncomfortable moment, when I feel like eating the entire cake, or graze-eat all night at my desk?” 

We’ll do this together of course, during Eating Peace. There are no rules and regulations about diets, quitting, starting, or demands about your behavior.

This work is about investigation.

And I love the image of “eating peace” from the title that was unintentional….

…of me eating peace, as food goes from plate or hand into mouth and down into stomach. The food is peace. Not war.

It’s my friend. It can be yours, too.

If you would answer a few short survey questions, anonymously, on eating and food, please click HERE. Your thoughts and ideas can really help remind me of what’s important to you.

No obligation to sign up for anything if you complete the survey, I won’t even know who you are.

Click HERE if you’d like to register for the class. Write grace@workwithgrace.com if you have questions or need scholarship help.

With love and gratitude,

Grace

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Hiya Hiya! Crack The Whip!

There are 13 books piled on my bed next to me, some open, some closed with bookmarks, the laptop with a document for notes and then a word document for final curriculum both open, plus another pdf I’ve been reading from a different author.

I’ve been working for 3 hours without really moving. I see emails come in a scan them if they’re quick, and reply.

My daughter comes into the house and calls “Hi mom!” and I exit the bedroom, needing a stretch break. She brings in the mail…more items to take care of.

I’m thinking….quick quick quick. I’ll get back there in a few minutes and get somewhere, continue.

Oh, and dishes. And laundry and more Holds to pick up from the library that I NEED (these things I happen to need help with right now due to crutches situation) and some necessary groceries.

The ticker tape spins. Just a little too fast now.

You know that To-Do Voice that sees what needs to get done and then realizes with fury that it can not be done, will not get done. I may have to drop what I’m working on and get to the other thing.

Quick, you only have 1 hour 45 minutes until the next class!!

Hiya! Hiya!!!! (That’s supposed to be the sound of a rider with a whip trying to get his horse to go As Fast As Possible.)

Stop.

Is it true that there is too much, and it will never get done, and that I neeeeeeeeeeed to get it done, and that there’s not enough time, and, and, and….?

No.

How do I react when I believe that thought?

The feeling inside is frantic buzzing across the chest and in the throat. Not breathing deeply. Mad. Ignoring other interests. Sort of irritable with the phone ringing.

Stop.

Who would I be without the thought that something needs to happen here that hasn’t happened yet? That something needs to get done?

Without any thought of this at all. Like I’m visiting from another planet….and my space ship leave in 1 hour 45 minutes. I’m here to look around.

Nothing to Get Done.

Nothing to complete, wrap up, finish, push, force.

I turn the thoughts around: I do NOT need to keep going, or get this done. I have unlimited time.  

Almost unbelievable. But this is playing in duality, leaning over into the opposite of the way my mind is running.

Yes. I can drop whatever task it is that I am attached to. I can move with the flow. Relax.

“There’s no merit gained through wasted effort, through excess struggle. There are no merit points for the people who drove themselves the craziest along the way to self-realization. For most people it’s so obscure that it seems very intuitive to grasp and to struggle instead of relaxing, not grasping, letting something come to you, letting the truth of your being reveal itself to you on its terms, in its way, letting it happen…..It will happen. It’s always happening. It’s always trying to show itself.” ~ Adyashanti

Relaxing, not grasping, letting it come to me?

Letting the day, the pace of all this, this person here now, noticing a clock, and time, and tasks….letting it all be the way it is. Nothing required.

Taking a very deep breath. Hearing my daughter pick up the ukelele and sing.

“There’s a perfect order running. I’m a lover of what is. Who would I be without my story? Without my story, in this very moment, is where God and I are one. There’s no separation, no decision or fear in it. It just knows. And that’s who we are without our plans.” ~ Byron Katie

Love,  Grace

 

 

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Distorted Thinking Distorted Body

From the time I was 8 years old, I had the notion…and then the more strongly formed idea…and then the certainty that Being Fat was HORRIBLE.

People who were fat were criticized, berated and loathed by other members of society. Kids and adults.

Including my grandparents AND my mother and father.

Those powerful and important people in my life all said really negative, disparaging things about fat people….or about themselves and their own weight.  

You may have heard talk about greedy people, mean people who curse, alcoholic people, people who steal.

But for some reason, my mind locked in on how terrible it was to be fat.

At first it was not noticeable, I didn’t hear it because I had no reference for it. It was like a group of professors (my dad’s colleagues) in my parents’ living room talking about historical documents, student essays and various leaders in 17th century France.

I might have heard sounds coming from out of their mouths, and it was sort of fascinating, but not alarming.

I noticed OTHER things like the shape of one of the men’s glasses, the color of all their shirts, Mozart coming out of the huge black speakers, one of my sisters hands beckoning me outside.

But when it came to food, eating, bodies….at that young age of 8 I was alarmed. All the food in our house changed because my mom went to something called Weight Watchers.

Watching her weight.

You mean…this is an uncertain, dangerous sort of situation that one needs to guard against?

My influential and powerful mom needed to DO something about weight?

I realize…she thought of herself as weighing too much.

The dreaded fat person.

As I return to that image, that memory of that time….thinking about the horrors of being fat and taking that so seriously…

…my mind enters The Work now, as if my 8 year old self can inquire and see what’s really true.

Being fat is horrible.

Is that true?

My mother’s weight matters, she is unhappy, she is suffering, there’s a major problem here….People can be too fat. 

…is that really true?

How do I react when I believe that thought?

Scared. Anxious. Terrified of fat, fattening, fatter, fatness. Hyper critical of fat, fat people, fat conditions, the appearance of fat.

I make effort, I focus on, I strive to prevent fat from happening!

I react towards food like it’s frightening. It causes fatness. It can trick you. It can make you wrong.

But, who would I be without the thought that being fat was horrible?

It’s one of those vivid, mind-boggling moments…hard at first to imagine. Like the mind is shorting-out. Hear the electric tweaks and jerks like a bug is hitting an electric fence?

Zap Zap.

Even for people who have never, ever been worried about gaining weight, personally being fat, or spent much time judging fatness….

….who would any of us be without the belief that the appearance of the body is horrible, and it MATTERS what you look like?

Dang. That’s so spacious. And strange.

And marvelous.

Suddenly, without the thought, there is no concern for fat, thin, age, youth, categorizing, assessing, or putting meaning on anything “seen” in the body….

….there is awareness of so much more that is present, so much more than this body or that body, what is going in or out of the mouth and the stomach.

Without the thought that appearance matters, I clap my hands with joy.

Freedom! So much more here! All temporary and pulsing with life and movement!

“There are two ways to weigh what you do. One is happy and healthy, the other is miserable and depressed…..The cause of suffering is not the body, it is your thinking.” ~ Byron Katie

Look at this body you apparently inhabit in the mirror and see who you’d be without the thought that it should be different.

You may not have to DO anything. That includes reaming yourself for being too “x” (fat, lazy, thin, tired, etc).

How exciting….how restful….what a relief.

“Reality is life without your distorting stories, ideas, and beliefs. It is perfect unity free of all reference points, with nowhere to stand and nothing to grab hold of. It has never been spoken, never been written, never been imagined. It is not hidden, but in plain view. Cease to cherish opinions and it stands before your very eyes.” ~ Adyashanti 

With much love, Grace

P.S. Eating Peace begins January 15th! We’re going to take a dive into Feelings, Beliefs, Situations where Cravings begin. We’re going to examine despair. We’re going to question the pain!
If you have already taken Horrible Food Wonderful Food this class will be different, but you may take this class at the repeater rate of $195.

 

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Your Birthright of Ambiguity, Uncertainty and Not Knowing

So many classes about to begin, new people to work with, ideas popping right and left, projects underway….

….in my mind yesterday I suddenly thought “it’s too much, I’m forgetting things, it’s going too fast, I need to narrow it down, too many emails to reply to, something will get missed, this class needs to start a week later, that one needs to get postponed, must finish book proposal for awaiting editor by yesterday, focus is scattered”.  

It’s like looking at a gorgeous Victorian home that has not been lived in for 40 years. You inherited the house two years ago and began making plans, hiring the architect, getting blueprints, sorting out how to restore and improve this beautiful building from the studs up.

But you don’t exactly have thousands of dollars to draw from to put into this place. So it’s taking awhile.

But the plans are in place, you’ve had lots of good experience, you’ve imagined with joy what this will look like.

And yet, in one moment “this will never get done”.

Followed by a feeling of deflation. The air went out of the balloon and there is a little wrinkled bag of rubber in its place.

The party’s over.

And then, depending on the magnitude of the loss….perhaps a relationship that you’ve worked on for several years is really ending, perhaps the house will go into foreclosure, perhaps you’ve been binge-eating like this for two decades off and on…

total despair.

This will never get done….I’ll never get there. 

Time for The Work.

Is it true?

I don’t know. But with this feeling of giving up, feeling hopeless, wanting to quit, throw in the towel, bag the whole thing…..it’s likely.

Can you absolutely know it is true, that you’ll never get there? That this vision you have will never come to fruition? That you won’t accomplish “x” or have “y” in the way you dream of?

No. Not true. I just Don’t Know. That’s all.

How do you react when you believe something will never happen that you’d like to have happen?

How do you react when you think that Not Knowing whether it will happen or not is somehow SAD?

I demand to KNOW.

I think knowing what’s going on is better than not knowing. I don’t like all this open space.

I have visions of saying “I quit!” to the universe. Shaking my fist at the ceiling.

I believe that what’s happening is chaotic, too much, not right and disappointing. I’m pissy.

But who would you be without the thought that what you are hoping for, what you want, what you envision will never get done, you will never get there, it will never happen?

Wow.

I’d take another step.

In the story of the Hobbit there was discouragement, disappointment, terror, hopelessness….but no one ever sat down in the middle of the road and said “I am not going any farther. I give up. It’s over.”

They definitely thought it. They had their moments.

But without the thought that it will never happen and you will never get what you want, ever….

….this moment becomes fresher, more alive.

Without the belief that I will never get THERE, I feel excited. I look around this room where I sit.

My favorite loose cotton tangerine yoga pants, a cup of herbal tea with honey and milk, seasoned raw zucchini strips just brought by a good friend on the table beside me, a cardboard box cut open across the room on a desk, the sun beaming through window slats and making all the crumbs under the dining room table glow.

This moment.

“As human beings, not only do we seek resolution, but we also feel that we deserve resolution. However, not only do we not deserve resolution, we suffer from resolution. We don’t deserve resolution; we deserve something better than that. We deserve our birthright, which is the middle way, an open state of mind that can relax with paradox and ambiguity.” ~ Pema Chodron

Could it be that this place of not knowing, of not having an answer, of seeing what I want and yet feeling ambiguity, failure, striving, possible loss…

…could it be that this here now is the most wonderful place of all?

What if never getting there and never having it get done is fine, OK….even good, advantageous, perfect for me right now.

How exciting! Joy can be here, now….without whatever it is getting “done”.

With much love,

Grace

P.S. Eating Peace will begin January 15th! This is for people tormented by a binge-purge or compulsive eating cycle, negative self-criticism, bulimia, fear and anger towards their relationship with food.

Since this is the first trial of this class, with the wisdom I’ve learned from several teachers brought in who offer healing on this topic, I offer it for $395 but encourage anyone to ask for sliding scale help if you need it and are drawn.

Only $195 for people who have taken Horrible Food Wonderful Food before.

If you want updates and announcements on this topic be sure to sign up for Eating Peace emails by clicking Update Profile at bottom of this email.

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Never Lose Love

The other day I was talking with a very close girlfriend on skype, me in my very, very familiar position now lying back on the bed, pillows propping my head, keeping the pressure off my right sits bone, ice pack under my right thigh.

I was not feeling frustrated at all….like, not one dash of annoyance or shake of irritation, about my physical condition.

I was listening, intently, with great curiosity.

We were talking about relationships, love attractions.

She said how in the past she always was attracted to the man at the party who had some kind of brooding darkness surrounding him.

Wry humor, edgy appearance, hip, the color black.

Then she said she could relate to the wonderful speaker/writer Danielle Laporte who says “I used to have a contentious relationship with joy”.

I’ve heard others speak of this before. I happen to have read The Four Man Plan seven years ago about a scientific approach to dating for women.

In her book, author Cindy Lu jokes that it’s helpful to question yourself when you haven’t had the best experiences in partnership ….“remember, you suck at love”. 

It’s not a criticism, but a mantra about not holding yourself back, about listening to your own inner voices and seeing if you really believe what they are saying.

It’s saying “now, now, remember…you’ve had some stressful beliefs running that are not exactly easy, helpful or LOVING when it comes to relationships…so don’t jump to conclusions about that man!”

As in, what I’ve done so far hasn’t exactly been the most blissed out love-filled dream.

As in, maybe your mind isn’t seeing the whole, complete picture.

Oh! Right!

Into my own mind suddenly flashed from my past, images followed by waves of interest, curiosity, attraction: black leather dude, rich independent dude, James Dean dude, alcoholic witty dude, muscled physical labor skateboarder dude, angry anti-establishment dude, depressed movie star Robert Downey Jr dude.

That man is attractive. 

Is it true?

Can I absolutely KNOW that it’s true?

Yes….Wait….No.

How do I react when I believe that thought that the dark brooding is attractive (or whatever your version of attractive is)?

I feel a magnetic pull in that direction, but I’m not sure it’s fun, or has integrity, or is peaceful or kind. It’s dramatic, searing, wild.

I forget about joy…innocent, childlike, playful joy.

Who would I be without the belief that what I’m seeing is attractive?

Nooooo! If I give this definition of “attractive” up, I won’t feel attraction ever!

I’d be bored, normal, compromising, bored…..and….bored.

Really? Are you sure?

Byron Katie writes about what happens when you believe you are calling the shots, when you’re in control…when you’re fighting reality….

….and what it would be like to question your thinking, to let go of your ideas of what is true:

“The alternative is to expect reality NOT to follow your plan. You realize that you have no idea what’s going to happen next. That way, you’re pleasantly surprised when things seem to be going your way, you’re pleasantly surprised when they don’t. In the second case, you may not have seen what the new possibilities are yet, but life quickly reveals them.” ~ Byron Katie 

My friend and I laughed, as she imagined being open to alternative ideas about men, dating, and who is attractive or not attractive.

To be open to joy, inside herself, no matter who she was looking at.

No expectations, no demands, no plans, no control.

Attraction, repulsion….if either one causes stress, doubt, anxiety….

….question your story and see who you would be without it.

“Love is a state of Being. Your love is not outside; it is deep within you. You can never lose it, and it cannot leave you. It is not dependent on some other body, some external form.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

With much love,

Grace