Category: The Work of Byron Katie

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You Are Interesting

This morning the current MONEY teleclass met at our usual hour, barely light at 8 am, eagles chirping away in the pine tree where they like to sit behind my little cottage, me on my couch with my headphones connected to skype.

As people shared their thoughts from the journaling prompt, and then a situation they identified as very stressful when someone didn’t want what they had to offer….

…I marveled at how often I’ve experienced this thought, or worried about potentially having the thought, in my life:

“That person is not interested in what I’m offering”. 

This can be so complex and gritty, a whole network and system of ideas and troubling beliefs.

It may or may not have to do with money.

First of all, what do I mean by “offering” something? Is that why anyone would be interested in me…at all…because they think I have something to offer them?

And what is “not interested” and how do I know it’s true that they aren’t?

Is it a look on their face, an unreturned phone call, no email reply, or are they shouting NO I AM NOT INTERESTED!

If they’re shouting, does it really mean they aren’t?

(Remember my favorite book Green Eggs and Ham? That guy Sam-I-Am kept asking ‘are you interested?’ and after 859 No’s he got a Yes).

Why was Sam-I-Am so persistent anyway?!!

So is it true that the person in question is not interested in what I’m offering? Maybe yes, maybe no.

I’m only stressed with this belief when I think they should be, when I want them to be, when I think it will be uncomfortable or sad if they aren’t.

Like that cute man one time who was a professional surfer….

YES! It’s true! That person is not interested!

Can I absolutely know that it’s true?

YES. He said no. She didn’t sign up for the class. They didn’t offer me the job. He never called back. No one bought my product. She broke up with me.

How do I react when I believe that thought?

What I heard in our class today that seemed most painful was the running voice that people had about themselves.

It means (ouch) that I am not interesting. I did something wrong. It means I have nothing worth offering.

Wow, harsh.

So who would you be without the thought that someone isn’t interested and it means you aren’t interesting?

Who would you be without the thought that it might have been nicer if they had been interested?

For me…..wildly free.

Back into myself seeing what I want in the moment….what I am moved to do next.

Someone in the class said “I would be clear, I would ask a direct question”.

I might be Sam-I-Am and be having a ball asking….”how ’bout on a train? with a mouse? on a boat?”

Trying on every possibility with humor and joy.

I might hear a “no” and move on. I’d feel playful, efficient, clear.

I turn the thoughts around:  

That person is not interested in what I have to offer, that person should not be interested, I am not interested in what they are offering me (a “no” for example), I am not interested in what I offer myself. 

Wow, I do see where I’ve stopped asking, quit, shut down, moved away with sadness, felt disappointment, been upset with myself, no longer found myself superbly interesting…

….right in that moment when I’ve believed I want that otherperson to be interested in me.

“You have everything you need in order to be an honest human being. No one ever has to be afraid of the truth. It’s the defenses that we build around the truth that strike fear into our hearts.” ~ Byron Katie

When I stop believing that someone else should be interested in what I have to offer, I feel how fun it is to be interested in myself, and interested in my work, and interested in money, or relationships, or friendship, in a really fun way.

Oh boy!

“What the world doesn’t tell you–because it doesn’t know–is that you cannot BECOME successful. You can only BE successful. Don’t let a mad world tell you that success is anything other than a successful present moment.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Today, as people say yes and no and come toward me or move away…I stay in my integrity, humor, and love for myself…

….whatever level of interest they have.

Success is present, right now. You are success.

With much love, Grace

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Want Greater Happiness? Get Un-Motivated

The other day I got to do The Work with a wonderful inquirer on her thought that she needed self-discipline. She needed motivation.

People think this on a day like today….because of the date.

Today I will quit “x” or start “y”. It’s easy to remember! From now on I proclaim that I will or will not ______ .

The work of the inquirer reminded me of my own judgments of someone close to me who I love dearly, who I’ve perceived of as a procrastinator.

Whether it’s YOU or that OTHER low-motivation person….

….the thoughts can be mildly stressful, or deeply concerning.

What is the worst that would happen, if you aren’t motivated, or if that person you’re working with isn’t motivated, or disciplined?

I picture myself, in a specific situation, where I believed someone’s low motivation was dreadful.

It was a quiet spring afternoon. The sun was shining brightly outside with red tulips lining peoples’ gardens. Inside this house, the TV was turned on AND music coming out of a computer.

Dishes all over the kitchen counter. Grime and dirt on the tile floors, in the corners of the room. Food wrappers and papers next to the stove. Pots and pans on the burners.

The person who inhabits this kitchen….overweight.

She needs to get motivated! 

Is it true?

Yes! This can’t be a good life! There’s got to be another way! This looks miserable, unnecessary, wasteful!

Can you absolutely believe that it’s true? Are you sure she needs to get motivated?

Yep, I am pretty dang sure that would change everything, this thing called motivation….I am sure would make her life better.

How do I react when I believe she should be motivated? That she should DO something, that she needs to find this thing, this energy called “motive” and turn it on?

I feel anxious for her. I see unhappiness. I use this scene as a warning to myself, or just something to be sad about. I think about what would “help” her. I have ideas, plans, suggestions, offers.

Even if I don’t say them out loud, I think them.

But who would I be without the thought that she should be motivated? That she should WANT to clean up her kitchen, and lose weight?

Wow, odd. Really?

Well…..lighter inside. Not so hard, demanding, concerned, or full of ideas. Open. Someone with questions, with curiosity.

Without the thought that she should be motivated…

I feel so accepting, intrigued, and I may notice that I love the thought of cleaning up this kitchen, asking if it would be OK.

I notice how excited I get by cleaning! I love wiping, shining things, making them smooth, putting things away, covering items in soap and suds. Being with a clean kitchen, so happy.

I turn the thought around: she should NOT be motivated. 

I look at her standing by the refrigerator with the door wide open, peering in with the light shining on her face, with the thought that she should not be motivated to do anything other than this, right in this moment.

Others think of a friend or family member who smokes, someone who drinks, someone who remains depressed.

Perhaps the thought is “they should do The Work”. But they don’t.

How could this moment be exquisite….for me? 

How could it there be an advantage in this person not being motivated to do “x” or stop “y” or begin “z” if they are not?

Because I am not fighting, asking, hoping for anything different than what is. I am not building up that vision of Better Life and believing in the story of BEST, better-than, success and failure.

I am not the know-it-all who thinks clean kitchens and lost weight, or whatever my ideas are for that person, mean happiness.

I turn the thought around again….where do I think I should be motivated, where do I feel criticism at what is not enough, where I don’t “work” hard enough, or achieve enough?

“To most people, the present moment almost doesn’t exist, because what they’re really interested in is the next moment, or the one after that. Unconsciously they regard that next moment, that future moment, as more important that THIS moment….People live as if the present moment is an obstacle that is to be overcome in order to get to some better point which never arrives. It’s a mad way to live, it makes living HARD. It makes living into an effort.” ~ Eckhart Tolle   

What if instead of motivation being needed in this moment, or discipline, or movement, or quitting or starting or action or non-action….

….what if here, now….you relaxed, you let go of all need for change, effort, pushing, adding energy of any kind.

What if you dropped your thoughts of motivational needs for those other people you love….for yourself?

Who would you be without the story that there’s a future and you need to get motivated to make it a better one?

Excited about this present situation. Asking “what are your thoughts right now?” to my friend.

Curious about my own present moment, chuckling at all those plans for the future….fulfilled, breathing deeply, joyful, enough.

And when I love this present moment, who knows what brilliant future moments may appear?  If I feel the power of this present moment and explore love, safety, joy or happiness right here, right now…

….would this orientation, or an orientation that I need motivation, be more…well, motivating?

“Beginners sometimes ask me what would happen if they did The Work on a regular basis. They’re afraid that without a story, they wouldn’t be motivated to act and wouldn’t know what to do. The experience of those who do The Work is that the opposite is true. Inquiry naturally gives rise to action that is clear, kind, and fearless.” ~ Byron Katie

With much love,

Grace

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NOT Live From The Cleanse

Two years ago I was sending off my first Grace Notes, Live From The Cleanse with Byron Katie in Los Angeles.

I remember sitting in the internet cafe at the hotel, computer screens glowing in a circle…very quiet all around, murmurs of people coming and going in the dark muted lobby…the smell of Starbucks, the glow of red, green and white holiday lights.

….and then I’m back inside the huge conference room, absorbing the profound work happening up on stage, Katie sitting in one large comfortable chair, a courageous human sitting in the other, answering the four questions of The Work.

Thoughts being questioned, ideas being reviewed, perhaps dropped, beliefs being un-believed, examined.

I remember the first time, with all this slowing down and looking at thoughts, that I examined what “believing” something meant.

When someone says “I believe…..”

What are they saying? What am I saying?

In the dictionary, the word believe is defined as this: to be convinced by, to give credence to, to regard as true, to credit, trust, put confidence in, to imagine, suspect, suppose, assume, presume, conclude, deduce, understand. 

Nowhere does believing mean that it actually IS 100% true.

This is a relief when you’re believing something stressful and upsetting, when you’re believing a situation is not so good.

I loved when once a teacher said believing something is when you repeat it over and over to yourself, you find proof again and again…so you conclude it must be the way it is.

Here’s the really funny thing. I have discovered that some things only have to happen, well, ONCE….and I’ve believed them to be true, at least acted like it was for days, weeks, months and years beyond the original incident.

Other things have repeated themselves hundreds of times, and yet…I am not sure of it’s absolute truth, I’m acting like it’s NOT true.

Hmmmm….a little fishy.

Could my perspective be one that shifts, changes, perhaps isn’t entirely accurate, maybe doesn’t have all the variables or parts?

Stephen Hawking, the famous physicist, says “even though I cannot move, and have to speak through a computer…in my mind, I am free. Free to explore the great questions of the universe.”

Stephen is completely paralyzed in almost every way, except that his eyes blink and his heart beats, and he does not feel trapped.

Simply being able to ASK is freedom!?

WOW.

How exciting to be able to ask if something is true! To explore!

(And sometimes….alarming, I know).

Those first two questions known as The Work:

1) Is it true?

2) Can I absolutely know it is true?

So powerful, without any of the other steps.

When I look at where I am not believing I am free in my mind…where I think something or someone or some incident is holding me back from freedom, is creating a prison for me, is bringing sadness, fear, regret, unhappiness….

…how truly amazing to ask “Is it true? REALLY? Are you absolutely sure? Are you seeing the whole entire picture?”

And I love that you only need to do this with stressful thoughts.

“Ask YOU if it’s true…Don’t ask if the thought matches what you’ve been told or have learned. Don’t consider the way life is supposed to look….Don’t consult the part of you that knows what the answer SHOULD be. The question is, does the thought match what you know inside? Does that thought resonate with your deepest sense of reality?” ~ Byron Katie

Is it true that here in this life, I am paralyzed, trapped, stuck, missing out, frozen, I have to live it out this way, there’s rules I can’t ignore, laws of the universe and physics…..and it’s a BAD thing? It’s hard? It’s a shame? It’s sad? 100%?

How inspiring that Stephen Hawking can answer “no”.

Is it true that I can’t have the same inspired feelings I would have if I were LIVE, in the flesh, at the Cleanse?

No.

I can have joy, love, peace, tears, questions…all right here, in this great and wonderful mind, without my body going anywhere.

How inspiring that we get to try on our own answers.

With much love,

Grace

 

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Gentle Gentle The Way Of It

I have received really, really good feedback and suggestions for change for the recovery guide for ending a war with eating that I sent out a few days ago.

Here is an entirely new version.

More tips for what you can do NOW. Less memoir. And all the beautiful quotes I meant to include the first time.

Here’s the funny thing that happened in my mind:

I was reading incoming messages, some people who I asked to read with a critical eye….

….and as I opened up the original document and began to read it again….

…..it looked terrible. 

Who wrote this story going on and on with no real help? This is garbage! A waste of time! You call this a guide? I can’t believe I sent this out! 

That little worried wart voice.

And then, an inner smile…it is sooo different the way I would have once believed that chattering voice from the calm that now winks at me a second later.

It’s like I can simply hear another channel, almost immediately (at least in this situation) that is playing a tune of no concern, of peace.

“When you know how to question your thoughts, there’s no resistance. You look forward to your worst nightmare, because it turns out to be nothing but an illusion, and the four questions of The Work provide you with the technology to go inside and realize that. You don’t have to grope in the dark to find your way to freedom. You can just sit down and give it to yourself, anytime you want.” ~ Byron Katie 

Even if your worst nightmare today is that you said or wrote something off, or someone didn’t get you, or you were misunderstood, or people were critical of you….

….can you really know that it’s true that you’ve done something wrong, or stupid, or cheesy, or ridiculous, or tacky, or scary?

Can you know it’s true that what you did matters, in a bad way?

No.

How do you react when you want to take it back, when you want a do-over?

I always found my stomach felt queasy, I felt exposed, frightened. I expected mean words coming in my direction. I expected people to shun me, avoid me, not want contact.

And who would I be without believing those thoughts?

What if you did something right? What if this was fantastic? Just part of the journey that caused things to go….to the right, instead of the left.

“The real plan is always the way of it, eliminating the need for any plan I might have.” ~ Byron Katie

Today, I celebrate this moment exactly where it is, without needing to do anything, without anything needing to change.

I wrote and added and deleted yesterday, I felt creative and rushed and fascinated….

….and everything is “in progress”.

Everything.

“The Master takes action by letting things take their course. He remains as calm at the end as at the beginning. He has nothing thus has nothing to lose.” ~ Tao Te Ching #64

Peace be with you today. You are awesome!

Even those goofy thoughts that run through your mind.

With love,

Grace

P.S. Again, the revamped free guidebook to peaceful eating, is right HERE. You’ll enter your email again, and be added to the Peaceful Eating list along with receiving the new guide in your Inbox.

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Daring To Question The Great and Powerful Oz

It was a hushed, late night, pitch dark outside. The house was very quiet except for my clicking fingers on my keyboard, and the glowing light of the laptop screen.
I was writing my heart out in email.
I was sharing with a friend my response to her challenge the day before, also written in email, that I was doing something she felt uncomfortable with in my wedding preparations.
She told me she didn’t feel the celebration contained the formalities she thought important. She thought we shouldn’t call it a wedding if we weren’t going to actually get a license.
The night was quiet. It was very late, after midnight. Very unusual for me. I couldn’t sleep because I just couldn’t stop thinking about her email I had received, that I was now replying to.
My inner immediate reaction (not the email I wrote in reply) to her email was, on first read, something like this:
“She doesn’t know me at all! She doesn’t understand me! I thought she was less conservative than this! She wouldn’t bring this up if I were gay…what a hypocrit! She’s not the person I thought she was! She’s such a snob! Forget her–she can GO TO HELL!”
 
Yes, it was that mature.
My stomach tightened, my heart sped up just a little, a shot of adrenaline zinged through my arms as I grasped what she was saying and read her words that she did not agree with what I was planning for the ceremony.
She thinks I’m not being HONEST? How DARE…….
 
……Ooops. 
 
I have an automatic timer that goes off when I begin to say the word “how dare you/she/he/they/this….”
Because I know I’m being totally, completely, utterly defensive.
How dare they? Like they should be afraid? To dare question the Great and Powerful Oz Grace Bell?
As I couldn’t sleep, I knew it was time to inquire.
Stressful thoughts were multiplying. I was beginning to question the entire friendship.
Is it true that she doesn’t know me? That she should know better? That she’s too conservative? That she’s not the person I thought she was (in other words—WORSE than I thought she was)?
Is it true that she should go to hell?
Argggh! But! This is wrong! She shouldn’t be so contrary! What does it matter to her how the ceremony goes, how it’s recorded or planned, what traditions are included, whether it’s an official license or not (my husband and I weren’t sure what we even wanted at that point)?
She’s in my business!
Gulp.
Is it absolutely true? Is she not allowed to speak up? Is it true that if she says what she thinks, she’s a snob?

 

No. Deep breath.

I am in favor of people telling the truth. Whether it hurts or not. I love the truth. I adore real, passionate, heartfelt words.
Communication at the core, authentic, most truthful level is my FAVORITE THING. Um…usually.
And even when it’s not, my closest friends are people I connect with and talk with with complete openness, even if we’re afraid.
How do I react when I believe someone is speaking against me, challenging my core beliefs, threatening me in some important way?
I want to write them off, get away from them, cut them out of my life, ignore them, act nice but back out of the room slowly.
Or I might wish they die in a plane crash, off the top of my head. I mean, I want them DESTROYED.
I feel really afraid, even if my reaction appears angry on the inside. I know that what I am…..
…..is terrified.
But who would I be without the thought that she was frightening? That she was wrong, critical, too conservative, and a snob?
I would realize that she brings up excellent agonizing questions, that the whole nation is actually debating. Whether to get a marriage license or not, to declare assets together as a business/economic entity or NOT.
(And I love equal rights for everyone).
In my heart I was getting married with a deep emotional and inner value of commitment. But I KNOW emotional commitments are enormously likely to change over time.
They are more likely to change that to remain stable.
And my past experience is that when the relationship grew more distant (in my previous marriage) that the economic end of the marriage was eventually dissolved.
It’s called divorce.
So for me, there was NOTHING stable about committing to marriage on paper, with the county, the state, the nation, one other human.
My friend expressed my deepest angst and anxiety about what was true for me. I did not know. In fact, I had no idea if this whole marriage/commitment thing was good for much of anyone.
My inquiry was ultimately with the government, laws, marriage, and what I had learned socially. I was mad at my society and my conditioning. And mad at her for learning the same conditioning.
Sigh.
Who would I be without the thought that she shouldn’t speak her mind? That she isn’t expressing something important, meaningful, and loving?
I would read and re-read her email, and see that she didn’t call me names, she didn’t berate me, she was loving, kind, direct and caring.
Without the thought that this was wrong….
….I relaxed so deeply, knowing that there is no absolute answer. I have no idea what the future will be. There is no future.
And after a wonderful discussion with my soon-to-be partner that day after I received the email, I searched online for marriage licenses “just to find out what’s involved these days” with this thing I am not even sure I agree with.
Oh. The offices to get licenses just happened to be about 2 miles away from our home. And this one night of the week, only on Tuesdays (it was Tuesday) it was open later into the evening. It was open right then, for another hour.
So my partner and I said to each other “Let’s go over there and get a license. What the heck?”
So we did.
Turning my thoughts around, I saw that I was the snob, I was the conservative one, she was freer and more liberal in that she could express herself to me.
And what did it matter if she were not the person I thought she was? I wasn’t thinking well of her in that moment….so….good. I was not the kind, generous person I thought I was.
Thank you everyone who has “dared” to tell me honestly what they think. Even if it sounds mean. Even if I don’t like it, or feel quite desperately frightening by it.
That dark night, after inquiry, after my stimulating discussion with my now-husband, I wrote an email full of honest love and gratitude to my friend.
And then pushed SEND.
“When I don’t look for approval outside me, I remain as approval. And through inquiry I have come to see that I want you to approve of what you approve of, because I love you. What you approve of is what I want. That’s love—it wouldn’t change anything. It already has everything it wants. It already IS everything it wants, just the way it wants it.” ~ Byron Katie
With love,
Grace
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The That Was Soooo Hard Story

If you missed the link with my eGuide on my own personal recovery from eating issues and how you can begin to understand your own, to download it (for free) then click HERE.

If you click the link, your email will be added to a separate list for people interested in eating/food recovery, including the program starting in January. (You can unsubscribe any time from that list).

*****

Yesterday, on the longest night of the year where I live…I suddenly knew I was just a little bit better physically, in this journey with the body.

My upper thigh looked less swollen at the site of the injury, the searing pain in my pelvic bone, the pins and needles throbbing in my foot and the chalky sticky aching feeling in my ankle, the throbbing in my calf…….were all quieter than previous days.

I was suddenly so happy. Relieved.

It’s as if there is this part of the mind that is filled with doubt, dread, fear and visions of darkness. I had those parts visiting at various times, hanging in the air of my room as I stared sometimes at the ceiling.

That part is frightened. I said to myself “I’m going to be here again, in the future….who knows when, but I will be here, unable to move from the bed, on my journey to death”.

I wondered what age I would be when it happened again. I wondered what life will be like from now until then…will I be more careful? Will I be afraid to climb mountains, do gymnastics, jump?

I look back at my extreme nausea, only about six days ago, and I could have the thought about it “that was SOOOOO HORRIBLE!”

The vomiting on top of the need to lie immobile, what an ordeal!!

But even as I thought it, another part of myself is asking “is that true?”

Is it true that it was sooooooo horrible in that exact moment? Did I really barely make it through this whole experience? Was it truly a horrendous, rough ride?

These can be stressful thoughts.

Even if in the moment I think them, I may also feel relieved, and glad to be on this side of the experience.

Yet my thoughts about that other side of the experience, that terrible side before the healing could begin, can actually start to multiply if I give them weight, if I believe them.

  • that was horrendous, I never want to go through that again
  • I couldn’t add one more thing, if any other symptoms appear, I can’t take it anymore
  • if I got breast cancer right now, I would hate the world and reality
  • this experience proves that the world is a dangerous place

I will never forget when one time, I was describing a very difficult break up with a very close friend to a wise mentor I trust, who knows me well, and I said “that was so hard, I can’t believe it happened”and shook my head in sadness.

And this wise old mentor replied “It actually wasn’t that hard for you, from the way I see it. It was emotional, and full of feelings, and those feelings rose and fell in waves…..but not much else changed in your life. You’ve done really well with this, you’ve come through it learning more deeply about human nature, and yourself.”

What????

Oh! WOW!

Could it be that it is NOT absolutely true that something I’ve been through in the past was horrendous, dreadful, hard to believe, shocking, incredible or that I barely made it?

Yes, what I have been going through is not unusual. It is not hard to believe. It is normal. It is a part of being alive. And its over. It’s only a memory, already. It’s a partially seen story.

It’s not that shocking to endure an injury. Or betrayal. Or sadness, fear, angst, terror, or deep grief.

Who am I when I believe the thought that experiencing what I call difficulties is tragic, frustrating or hard?

I’m scared of the future, I replay the past. I become less aware of the present. I feel upset about “life”. I get confused about not understanding it. I make plans to figure out how to solve the “problem” I’ve had or never have it happen again.

I begin to feel like the darkness will last forever and that I can’t stand it anymore.

But who would I be without the thought that hard times “prove” that life is sad, tough, or surprising? That darkness stays dark?

I’d notice that things fade away and then return, and all is a huge mystery. There is light, then dark, then light again. And I do not know what anything actually truly means.

My leg breaks, then it mends. And I didn’t have to do anything. I was just following along for the ride. Something flowed, in the story, and it kept flowing.

“The ego lives by comparisons.” ~ The Course in Miracles

Without the thought that challenges are….well….challenges….jeez, my story ends. I feel gratitude, peace, emptiness.

There’s really nothing to do.

“Any feeling is just a feeling arising in you, in awareness. For example ‘I’m not spiritually connected’ or ‘I’m unawakened’…all that is a story. See it for the story it is, and then turn around and recognize that which is seeing the story. Then it’s all over.” ~ Stephen Bodian

I turn my frightened thinking around and find…perhaps my thoughts have hurt me more than my body has hurt me. Whatever this “me” is that I’m referring to. Which seems to be other, or greater than, my thoughts or my body. Ha!

  • that was amazing, I am willing to go through that again
  • I could add any thing, if any other symptoms appear, I can take it (and I can release it)
  • if I got breast cancer right now, I would love the world and reality (astonishing, but true–I see so much I love in the world)
  • this experience proves that the world is a safe place (astonishing again! and out of the pain came ease and sweetness)
Do I want to tell the story of the pain and how hard, with dread, complaint, unhappiness?
Or do I want to tell the story of joy, healing, peace and discovery that I am not only this body, or this mind…
….and that maybe, this is easy?
The second story seems truer.
“Most people think that they are what their thoughts tell them they are. One day I noticed that I wasn’t breathing–I was being breathed. Then I also noticed, to my amazement, that I wasn’t thinking–that I was actually being thought and that thinking isn’t personal.” ~ Byron Katie

With love,

Grace

P.S. If you want to get the free guidebook to peaceful eating, click HERE.

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Food Nightmares? Free Guide To Peaceful Eating

As you probably know, one of my most difficult relationships was with food, eating and body image in my teen years and all of my 20s and into my 30s.

Really….it was my relationship with my own mind that was rough. I was brutal!

I thought being mean would incite change.

I didn’t realize that love and compassion for myself, without attempting to change, would bring so much MORE change than anything I had tried.

If you are someone who would like to be on a separate email list for announcements and programs for people wanting to investigate their relationship with food….

…then I have a gift for you.

Click on this link HERE, and you can download a free E-Guide I’ve written to help people get started with using self-inquiry and internal questioning to understand and heal their painful behaviors with food.

When you get the guide, you’ll be added to the email list for Peaceful Eating that’s separate from daily Grace Notes.

You may have had bulimic episodes, or been anorexic, or you may have had great tension and sadness, weight gain and loss, and anger with the state of your relationship with food.

Anyone on this list will receive occasional updates on upcoming new programs or opportunities.

There are two teleclasses in January—one a new one for investigating bulimia and the binge/purge cycle using self-inquiry—one for examining the relationship to food…and also the first weekend in April 2014 in Seattle the Horrible Food Wonderful Food weekend!

If this is not an area of tension for you, then please forward this to anyone you think might benefit.

“When you’re operating on uninvestigated theories of what’s going on and you aren’t even aware of it, you’re in what I call “the dream.” Often the dream becomes troubling; sometimes it even turns into a nightmare. At times like these, you may want to test the truth of your theories by doing The Work on them. The Work always leaves you with less of your uncomfortable story. Who would you be without it? How much of your world is made up of unexamined stories? You’ll never know until you inquire.” ~ Byron Katie

If you or anyone you know is interested in dissolving your nightmare with food, eating, weight and you want to receive updates on this topic, click HERE.

Much love, Grace

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The Hook Before The Fall

Quick announcement: If you are interested, or know someone who would be, in working with me in a small group to investigate bulimia or painful binge-purge eating, then I am offering a program for the first time for those with this type of disordered eating.

We’ll meet on Wednesdays, January 8th from 9-10:30 am Pacific Time and meet for 8 weeks. Send me a quick reply to this email and I’ll give you all the details. You can see for yourself if its right for you to participate.

*****

In so many ways, any one addiction is like every other addiction. People have their favorites, their specialties, the ones that “work” for them or that they are drawn to or trapped in.

But you don’t really call it an addiction until you see it does NOT actually work, it’s harmful, it’s a mixed love/hate kind of experience.

For me, I either ate food, smoked tobacco, or drank alcohol…or worried, obsessed, grew more and more fearful.

I remember the feeling right in the moment of moving towards the activity, even though I swore I wouldn’t do it again.

These were my thoughts:

  • I don’t care, I need this
  • I’d feel desperate (or irritated, angry, scared) without this “x”
  • there is no love, kindness, safety, power, rest, entertainment or care for me here now
  • it doesn’t matter what happens later
  • I’ll stop doing this tomorrow
  • I hate this feeling
  • I must satisfy this craving

It appears that there is a moment of discomfort, whether extreme or mild, or a painful idea or memory. Then comes anxiety, loneliness, pressure, wanting to relax, anger, mystery, emptiness, self-criticism, fear, craving, self-doubt, worry, sadness….

….and then these thoughts to ease that feeling, change the feeling, ASAP.

I know it all seems to happen very, very fast. Almost unconsciously. It begins to happen in the snap of a finger.

So let’s question the thoughts.

Is it true that you need to do this? Is it true that this feeling won’t end unless you do your activity (drink, smoke, eat, internet, phone, emails, shop, spend, TV, contact “x”)?

Is it true that you should control this feeling, this craving, or that it is too big for you right now?

Yes, it certainly felt that way. Overwhelming feelings, a pull like a gravitational force, like a wave that has to crash on the sand.

Can you absolutely know it’s true that you need to do this? That this moment and the feelings in it are too big right now?

No. Something feels right also about NOT engaging in this behavior. I know other people who don’t do it, and they’re fine.

Are you sure you’re powerless? Are you sure you’re not safe? Are you sure you’re not loved? Are you sure you can’t rest?

No.

How do you react when you think the thought that you need to do this thing that also hurts you? What happens?

I scream at myself in my own head. I feel scared, nervous, unhappy, alone. Against some parts of my life. I feel like giving up. I think it doesn’t matter anyway.

I call myself a loser.

But who would you be without the thought that this feeling is terrible? That you can’t handle this moment? That this is too uncomfortable? That you’re completely powerless (in a bad way)? That you need to go do that thing, get that food, drink that alcohol, smoke that cigarette, surf the internet?

Who would you be without the thought that there is no love, safety, rest, power, comfort and connection for you right here, right now?

Pause to see.

Without the thought “I need to do this”?

I might stop. I might cry. I might call someone for true, honest, intimate connection. I might lie down, rest, listen. I might punch a pillow and yell, or go on a walk. I might be silent.

I turn the beliefs around.

  • I do care, I don’t need to do this
  • I will feel desperate (or irritated, angry, scared) with this “x”
  • there is love, kindness, safety, power, rest, entertainment or care for me here now…how could I access it or receive it?
  • it does matter what happens later
  • I will stop doing this now (or, I will not stop doing this tomorrow)
  • I love/accept this feeling, I can stay with it, open to it
  • I must not satisfy this craving, this craving will end without me
“Nobody chooses dysfunction, conflict, pain. Nobody chooses insanity. This happens because there is not enough presence in you to dissolve the past…You are not fully here.” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

 

“An uncomfortable feeling is not an enemy. It’s a gift that says, ‘Get honest; inquire.’ We reach out for alcohol, or television, or credit cards, so we can focus out there and not have to look at the feeling. And that’s as it should be, because in our innocence we haven’t known how. So now what we can do is reach out for a paper and a pencil, write thought down, and investigate.

Just hit reply if you’re interested in the 8 week teleclass to take a deep dive into the greater extremes of painful eating, binge-purge cycles, bulimia or over-exercising.

And whatever your go-to relief is that doesn’t provide deep rest…question your thoughts about what isn’t possible for you.

If I could have the addictive cycle fall away, without violence against myself, or rules, or discipline…..so can you, so can you.

Much love, Grace

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Outside The Worriers’ Guild

The big news of the day yesterday: I turned over on my stomach and got to take the leg brace off while lying very still.

The room was quiet, the lights bright, no one was home for a few hours.

After slowly maneuvering my torso to carefully turn over, never engaging the hamstring muscles on the right leg….letting it stay relaxed and dangling…

…I found myself staring into the corner space just past my mattress in my bedroom.

Nice view, now what.

Then I stared for thirty minutes at the stack of books, the far corner behind the dresser, the wire leading to the cell phone on the floor.

My worried smaller mind started in, as if taking some invisible bait.

  • this is pure torture, who am I kidding?
  • I am trapped
  • this is depressing, boring, pointless, sad, awful
  • this is what life will eventually come down to, I’m getting a little preview
  • my time here is limited
Ai me! Life is so temporary! All so brief!

 

But oh the little thoughts fly around like gnats, don’t they? And they come in as fast as fruit flies.

 

Just when you think they are gone…turns out…its another moment. And they are multiplying again with gusto.

Good news. They can dissolve as fast as they multiply. Really.

Is this a real story? Is this a true story? 

Yes it’s true! I know this life is only for a while, even a short time in some cases! And unpredictable!

The reaction is the key. The reaction is pain and suffering, blooming and multiplying.

How do I react when I believe I am trapped, it all ends, my time here is limited, and this is depressing, boring, pointless or sad or terrible?

Physically weak, fearful, unhappy that I don’t know more, that I don’t understand. I want to understand All This, I think that then I will be more accepting, I will get it, I will grasp.

When I believe the thought that I am trapped here in this injured body, that can barely turn over today, I am frustrated, desperate…even if only for a moment.

Wringing my hands. Beating my chest. Worrying.

Feeling sorry for myself.

But who would I be without this story, these beliefs that I am trapped, stuck, bored, that my life is so temporary, that this moment RIGHT HERE is not a good one?

Without the thought that this, now, is bad?

Wow. It is so spacious. Something ungrips, uncurls. Waits.

Something is here, unknown, unplanned, far far far beyond whatever this person is who is lying in bed today. I remember other people, in other houses, other countries, words, poetry, sounds, music….life going on, life playing on.

I turn the thoughts around, the whole story right around upside down:

  • this is pure bliss, who am I kidding? (Me!)
  • I am liberated
  • this is expanding, exciting, meaningful, happy, wonderful
  • this is what life will eventually come down to, I’m getting a little preview (fabulous!)
  • my time here is unlimited
Could this be as true or truer? Could I actually feel happiness, peace and bliss here, right now, in this moment?
Why not?
Deep breath, time to turn back over. And then, time apparently to take a sip of water, and after awhile more, time for a friend to knock on the door and bring delicious food to eat.

I do not need to know what is going on next, or next, or next.

The Worriers’ Guild 
Today there is a meeting of the
Worriers’ Guild,
and I’ll be there.
The problems of Earth are
        to be discussed
        at length
        end to end
        for five days
        end to end
        with 1100 countries represented
        all with an equal voice
        some wearing turbans and smocks
        and all the men will speak
        and the women
        with or without notes
        in 38 languages
        and nine different species of logic.
Outside in the autumn
        the squirrels will be 
        chattering and scampering
        directionless throughout the town 
        because
they aren’t organized yet.~ by Philip F. Deaver

Who would I be without my story?

Perhaps finding gentleness, kindness, darkness, space, light, disorganization, no plans, and no direction. And it is OK.

“I am a lover of what is, not because I’m a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

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The Scale And Your Worth

The Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass is underway right now. One dear participant mentioned something to me that I have heard many times before.

I sometimes suggest that people give up their bathroom scales….you know, the ones that calculate body weight. She said, “I could never give up my scale, I have to weigh myself twice a day.”

Measuring things can be incredibly powerful. Documenting, looking, examining, surveying, gathering data. These are invaluable for studying information, analyzing. Especially when you are totally uncertain about how something works.

It’s so amazing to have ways to track something over time that may not be entirely conscious. Like lets say a scientist is studying a brand new species of insect. She could open her computer and write down every hour what is happening, as she watches through a camera the insect’s behaviors in its habitat.

But if the scientist has gathered information for a year, and has tracked the whole lifecycle of the insects several times….but then can’t stop documenting that insect’s behavior…it could be a little weird, right?

The problem with the scale situation is of course not the scale, but the lack of deep inner trust around eating and weight. The belief for me was “I do not understand my weight fluctuation, therefore, I must measure it constantly….otherwise, I might grow heavier and not even realize it!!!”

I used to feel extremely anxious if I didn’t have access to a scale. And then, I felt extremely anxious if I DID have access to a scale.

The thought I had way back when I had a scale was that if I saw the number was too high, it would alarm me and push me towards weight-loss strategies. If I saw the number was low, then I could feel happy and proud for being a “good” weight.

I believed I needed a measuring device, that I couldn’t feel deeply what was right for me on the inside.

Last week when I was at the hospital in the surgery pavilion, before I was sent to change my clothes into the hospital gown and before the kind nurse put in the IV into the back of my hand, they had me go to the scale.

I watched the electronic bright red numbers speeding by and balancing out to the exact ounce. I remembered the way I used to feel in this waiting half-second “Oh I hope it’s going to land on a good weight and give me good news!”

It was about the exact same number I’ve been mostly for my adult life, but for a flash I thought “isn’t that amazing”.

Still the same. Without trying for it, wanting it, setting it as a goal, or caring about it. Amazing, because I once thought I needed to run this whole food, eating, weight situation!

I remembered when I used to want the scale to say that number, when I had an eating disorder and my weight fluctuated up and down a bit.

I used to strive for that number, wish for that number. Just tell me what to eat so I can always have that number.

Then I threw away my scale, because I used it too often and for the wrong reasons: to feel good or feel bad. I let the scale tell me what kind of person I was. I didn’t want that from a piece of metal that measured weight. I wanted to be good no matter what.

Is it true that the amount you weigh means you are good, or bad? Worthy or unworthy? Lovable or Not Lovable? Attractive or Unattractive?

Long ago, I found the answer was “NO”. Even though I had been acting like it was “YES”.

Who was I when I believed that my weight had something to do with my character, my lovableness, my worthiness, my power, my strength, my attractiveness?

Horribly obsessed with weight. Angry. Hungry. Overeating. Undereating. Calculating, planning and trying to control food.

Jumping on the scale every day, and at the gym, and in other places where scales were sitting around.

Who was I without the thoughts that without a scale, I can’t be trusted, that my weight MEANS good/bad, lovable/repulsive, worthy/unattractive?

Open to another way. Open to not knowing. Relaxing, resting at a most deep level, slowing down. Not planning.

Taking a deep breath. Eating and noticing the flavors, the beauty, the texture.

Practicing feeling Joy, Quiet and Peace in the presence of food, or mirrors, or scales.

Living the turnaround. Turning towards the light, the inner light.  

“Enlightenment is to be totally Un-Self-Concious, Un-Ego-Conscious. It’s to be free of self-reflection. Isn’t it the biggest bain on humanity to be always reflecting on oneself? ‘How am I doing, I like it, I hate it, this is hard, my life’s difficult’. Constant reflection…..I’ve never met anybody who was addicted to anything who was ever able to get beyond it until they really saw and came to grips with ‘this is not working’.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love, Grace

P.S. 8 week teleclass on food/eating starts again on January 15, and the Year of Inquiry for the Addictive Mind YOI starts on January 10th.