Category: spirituality

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How do want nothing, other than what is?

Work With Grace
“Inquiry is grace. It wakes up inside you, and it’s alive, and there’s no suffering that can stand against it.” ~ Byron Katie

We’re in Month #10 of Year of Inquiry. The final quarter of the year.

Our topic is to go to your worst fears, your deepest stressful beliefs, your experience of loss, endings, death, goodbyes.

You don’t have to conjure up a horrible scenario (although this can be really fascinating to do with The Work–to look at what frightens you most and take it to inquiry).

We’re looking sincerely at what’s occurring in life, how we’re feeling about All This, and writing down what we think about it.

Now here’s a weird thing going on with people in Year of Inquiry, and it’s happened before.

Some are facing the illness of people they love, or recent near-death of someone they know, or a slightly new chapter on a life situation like a job ending, a decision looming, separation from their partner. Someone even began yesterday with a one-month sabbatical from their work, coinciding with this topic of change, fear, loss, or worry.

Maybe, it’s just that people when doing The Work as a regular practice month to month begin to get to the core underlying beliefs they really, truly, honestly want to question.

Our greatest worries and fears.

One incredibly powerful expression uttered by Byron Katie is the following saying that knocked my mind open the first time I heard it, and it still blows me away: “The only problem, is an unquestioned thought.”

Wait….what?

With all the difficulty, sadness, grief, shock and horrifying things that happen in the world….

….can it really be true that the thoughts about what’s happening is what causes the most pain?

The mind will race around, ready to argue that if you accept what is, you won’t “fight” for what’s right, or help change the world, or change your own life for the better.

Surely, says the mind, it’s the event, the way something happened, the way that person acted, the words I heard, the thing I lost….

….that created pain.

Right?

If it had not happened that way, then I’d be fine.

Are you sure, though?

Are you positive you can’t be fine, even with all the sh*t that went down? Are you absolutely sure you can’t be happy, even though you lost him or her or that?

Who would you be without your story that when “x” happens (death, pain, cancer, bankruptcy, divorce, injury, conflict, mental illness)….

….It. Is. Awful.

What if the opposite was true?

What if something, at least one thing, came out of whatever happened……that served me, or someone else?

What if it simply wasn’t as devastating as I thought? What if, even though people die, or I will die, I can trust the way it goes?

I notice death and endings and loss happen.

What if this is the way of it, reality…..and it’s OK? Even good? Or atleast undetermined and unknown?

Can I really know as much as God or the whole totality of the universal plan? Can I be sure of what I’m seeing when using only my mind to decide what’s good and what’s bad?

Can I really know the things I’ve learned, or believed, to be terrible…..ARE terrible?

No. I can’t answer “yes” honestly.

I do not know that what I believe to be horrific, or devastating, or terrifying eternally fundamentally is horrific.

When something seriously difficult has happened, I’ve hated it at first maybe, or been afraid, but I’ve lived through it (so far)….

….and I can’t find a time I didn’t learn something, grow in some way, change for the better, find connection with others, become amazed by the support available, or find love at the bottom of the fear.

Try it for yourself.

Find the worst thing that ever happened to you.

Write it down, so you don’t switch around the words or get tricky or decide you’d rather not look at this troubling thought.

Take it to inquiry.

It may be the best thing you ever did for yourself….to question your mind.

“And then the full horror of the situation appeared…..Immediately inquiry arose: ‘I am this’–is it true? Is it true that I am this forever? How do I react when I believe that? What would I be without the thought?….Thought and questions arose at the same instant and canceled each other out. The horror was equivalent to a deep gentleness, a caressing, a full, immovable acceptance. There was no discomfort….I wanted nothing other than what is.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

If you’d like to sit in the presence of Byron Katie via live video as they stream her silent retreat from Switzerland July 9-12 (only 6 weeks away) then please join me for only $165 to attend the entire event in a large, very comfortable, private retreat lodge in far northeast Seattle area. Already half full, there is space for you if you need/want to spend the night (for a very reasonable additional fee–please let me know if you’re interested).

Last year we filled to the max (24) so I encourage you to sign up now. If you can only attend a part of the retreat, you will still have individual access to the videos of Katie for a minimum of one day (everyone will get to sign up for their favorite additional personal viewing time–when they can log-in by themselves in their own home through August 31st.)

Being With Byron Katie retreat is a once-a-year experience and no other retreats are like it. Our local Seattle event will be held in silence in between all sessions with Katie, and we’ll watch all sessions on a huge flat screen, and listening together.

To sign up for this amazing (and remarkably inexpensive way to be with Katie for 4 days) please click HERE.

Much love, Grace

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How do you live your turnarounds?

Iloveme
they love me, I love me, I love them living the turnarounds is….exciting

In the past several years, doing The Work regularly, I’ve become super interested in the Living Turnarounds.

You might wonder what I’m talking about?

When we do The Work….the four questions, followed by finding turnarounds, or opposites, to the concepts we’re questioning….

….we often find turnarounds that “clunk” (as one lovely participant put it in the spring retreat this past weekend).

It’s like the turnaround makes you take palm and hit forehead.

For example: I once did The Work (many times in fact) on a very dear friend who reacted abruptly to something she thought I did that wasn’t accurate.

While the thing she reacted to wasn’t actually true….I still deeply investigated “she doesn’t care about me” because of what happened.

When I said out loud the first turnaround I saw clearly “I didn’t care about her” I sat for a few minutes thinking, nope, I definitely cared very much about her!

But I knew to keep sitting with it, and find even the smallest example, to open up my mind (for my own benefit, not because I “should”).

As I waited, I began to realize; Oh. I listened to her talk on the phone for long periods of time without saying “I need to hang up now” and secretly resenting the length of time I was in the conversation. I never told her I don’t like to hang out in bars or buy exotic drinks. I was occasionally jealous of her fortune, and the fact she didn’t have to work for a living.

I didn’t exactly have kind, compassionate, loving thoughts towards her at all times. I wasn’t honest. I judged her and never brought up my irritations–which in real friendship is hard, but deeply valuable and connecting when you can sort through it.

These were all ways I didn’t care. I secretly harbored many unpleasant thoughts about her.

Dang. I was not truly caring about the friendship, not really steppin’ up to an honest, genuine connection. And I had been doing it a long time, maybe most of the so-called friendship.

Another turnaround I found in my work on that friend was of course “I didn’t care about myself”.

Again palm to forehead.

Clunk.

Why didn’t I speak up for what I really wanted, or say NO if I didn’t want to go to that loud, brightly-lit bar or to spend precious money on fancy hors d’oeuvres?!

Which brings me back to this experience of looking closely at the Living Turnarounds.

If I lived my life, actually caring for myself, or feeling the way she DID care for me instead of being so sure she didn’t….

….what would it look like?

I began to notice when I didn’t say “no” or speak up. I began to include my own desires and wants and preferences in activities, with respect and love for myself (whatever this ‘self’ was).

Instead of ignoring when I wanted to say “no” to an invitation in order to be pleasing to someone else and not shake any feathers, I said “no”. I started feeling a sense of trust for myself, like I would take care of me without guilt, without hurting anyone else, without pretending anything.

Instead of believing someone didn’t care about me, I realized they might care enormously. I felt the sense of them caring. It was warm, kind….even somehow recognizable.

Of course they care. How very dear, tender and loving they are. Even if they seem confused or do things I learned were supposed to mean “they don’t care”….

….I could imagine the turnaround. I could feel how it was just a possible, even more probable, that they DID care (even my old friend)!

Slowly I lived the turnaround. And it grew bigger.

It’s been a little here, a little there. Speaking up just a little more, and a little more. Sharing my inner heart. Noticing when I haven’t responded to a request quite right and saying something then. Or maybe I have a question for someone in order to understand what my own answer is. Or I decide to spend time with someone face-to-face so we’re on the same page and learn about each other.

There hasn’t been a major turning point, as I’ve lived this new turnaround of caring about myself, caring about others, feeling the care people have for me, and trusting there’s a wonderful solution that works (if there’s a conflict) however long it takes.

This Living Turnaround is nothing super dramatic. I don’t have a story to share like “one day I said NO and everyone dropped their jaw in shock and from that point forward, I was the president of the United States”.

Ha ha!

But little by little, as this turnaround has come alive, whatever I am appears to be much more honest, speaking the truth when I know it, honoring whatever’s true inside me with loving kindness.

“Realization has no value until it’s lived.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

If you want to move closer into living your turnarounds, the ones that “clunk” (feel true and right for you) then spend a little time feeling in your body what they might be like, each day.

Ask yourself what you would do, how you would walk, how you would talk, what you would say, how you would live, if this turnaround were just as true or truer, than your original stressful belief.

The best news of all?

You don’t even have to believe it 100%.

Everyone and everything cares about me. I care for every part of myself. I care for everyone and everything.

What would it be like, today, to live this turnaround and act like it was true?

Pretty awesome.

Much love,

Grace

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Imagination without investigation = h – e – double hockey sticks

imagination without investigation feels like Hell
imagination without investigation feels like Hell

In our Year of Inquiry group, this month we’re looking at The Worst That Could Happen.

Nice and cheery. (Ha ha).

But here’s the thing. Doing The Work on events we’ve found terrible, tragic, horrifying, difficult….seems to expand the mind to include not only the sense of being shattered (no denial of the event in other words) but MORE than only this.

How does that work, being shattered and yet alive, even whole?

It’s the strange paradox of life apparently, part of the duality everyone is speaking about.

(I don’t think of duality as a terrible thing, by the way, and like we all must get to NON-dual ASAP, or else….)

When our Year of Inquiry group is investigating terrible tragedy, or frightening images and visions (the worst that could happen) we notice there’s a never-ending supply of ideas the mind can come up with.

That’s not what this work is about….accumulating scary pictures and scaring ourselves with them, like watching horror movies on purpose.

What this exercise is about, for me, is addressing fear, and noticing what’s actually really true.

Almost every time I’ve considered something “horrifying” or a really bad terrible experience, it’s not as bad as I thought.

Long ago, I was driving on a long road trip with my former husband.

We were in the very last week of our 3 month adventure, driving through tall yellow wheat fields in California on a small blue highway. Rounding a corner in the late afternoon/early evening sun, we saw a truck turned up on its side, and two bodies lying on the earth some distance from the truck.

We stopped.

The bodies were moving. Everything came into consciousness very fast.

Woman, bloody head, turning from side to back, calling out. Small boy, no blood, lying face down quite a few feet away. We’re both jumping out of the car, doors slam, I run to woman, he runs to boy. High alert. Woman talking, moaning, drunk. Boy shaken opening eyes. My husband getting a blanket, boy standing up, lots of blood coming out of a big cut in woman’s forehead.

Two other cars stopping on the road. Someone shouting they’re going back to store to call 911. This was before anyone had a cell phone (1990). I stay with mother of the boy, holding her hand which she’s squeezing, trying to keep a towel on her bloody head and it’s not working well since she’s moving around, worried about her boy, not thinking clearly. Her leg is in a crazy twisted position and must be broken.

In the dusk, a helicopter. First aid men running. We can leave now.

Back in the car, everything was back to normal motion.

Can you believe that happened? We say to each other.

We’re far later traveling to our destination than anticipated. My sister’s place where she lives while she goes to school at Berkeley. We hear her worried voice when we stop to call and say what happened. She waits up.

We arrive at 11:00 pm. At midnight, I can’t sleep. At 1:00 am. At 2:00 am. at 3:30 am. I basically stay up all night, adrenaline coursing through me AFTER the whole thing was over. I was entirely safe. I was always entirely safe, but my mind is seriously freaking out, seeing the pictures of what happened over and over.

During the whole thing, I was waiting, calm but extremely awake. I never thought once that time was passing too slowly. I had no reference for time passing at all as we waited for help, as I held this woman’s hand and tried to stop the blood from her head and wondered if I should try to move her twisted leg and decided against it.

I can’t sleep more than 2 hours for 3 nights.

Then I start telling myself I shouldn’t be so freaked out, it didn’t even happen to me, no one died, what’s wrong with me am I too sensitive?

The truth is, that was a traumatic, sudden, surprising situation.

Often, sudden surprises like this are shocking….and they are The Worst That Could Happen.

But what I see now, from here, from doing The Work on this very situation even though it happened 26 years ago, was how everything was present there, including peace: support (the earth), first aid, me and my then-husband, a beautiful California night, my sister’s home, a quiet landscape with soft wind blowing.

Maybe it was the end of drinking for the mother, the end of her driving while drunk. Maybe it was the end of them not using seat belts.

I really don’t know what it meant in their story, all I can know is what I assumed it meant in mine. My entire psychic, physical, mental and emotional system held the belief “this is the worst, it should never happen, there is no good that can come out of this event or any event like it, the world is a dangerous place.”

Was it true?

Could I absolutely know that situation was 100% entirely dangerous, and no good could come from it?

No.

I’m here. Nothing fundamentally permanently terrible really happened, to be honest.

How did I react when I believed it was terrible, dangerous, horrifying?

Surged like an electric fence with anxiety. Repeating the event over and over and over in my head for days, then weeks, and even now I can remember it vividly.

Who would I be without the belief it was the worst that could happen, a terrible event….dangerous?

Huh? Weird.

Although I see, it’s only dangerous to my mind. This body was untouched. There were many healthy bodies all helping out. The hurt bodies of the boy and his mother appeared to be intact (not dead, that’s for sure).

What was in danger? My mind! My believing! Threatened! Scared! Panicked!

Who would I be without the thought the world is a dangerous place, as I consider that scene?

Somehow…..empty. But a good kind of empty, like a light unknowable, unknowing empty. It’s almost funny for some weird reason, right now.

Life went on. I have lived for 26 more years past that incident, and had many, many good times and awe-struck moments, and love, and peace, and awareness and difficulty and loss and clarity.

It seems we’re all here temporarily, I notice. What if this is a good thing? What if I trusted Reality?

Without the belief the world is dangerous, I notice I’m sitting at a table in a quiet living room, writing. I hear a lawn mower in the distance outside, and the refrigerator humming.

“Who or what would you be without this story? You’ve already been living the worst that could happen. Imagination without investigation. Lost in hell. No way out….But there’s not dark hole you can go into where inquiry won’t follow. Inquiry lives inside of you if you nurture it for awhile. Then it takes on its own life and automatically nurtures you. And you’re never given more pain than you can handle. You never, ever get more than you can take. That’s a promise.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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I really do need more time (and empower radio show!)

My friend and colleague Doug Foresta (creative, thoughtful and hilarious too) interviewed me on his Empower Radio show. Listen as we talk about peace and he asks me….what is peace and how do we access it anyway, and other cool questions that I usually ask other people.

***********

Let the opposites play on! There is enough, and not enough time. And this is perfect.
Right Now, I have enough time.

So I’m not sure how it happened…..

….(OK, OK I know I am actually the person who said “yes” to my own calendar schedule, why’d you have to remind me?)….

….but I’m starting TWO teleclasses in the next ten days followed by a 3 day retreat here in Seattle area where we’ll be doing The Work and focusing deeply on how we create, feel and live the turnarounds we find when we do The Work (very cool exercises to help facilitate this together).

(The three events starting soon are May 4th Weds 9 am Relationship Hell to Heaven, May 9th Mondays 5:30-7:00 pm Eating Peace Core Teleclass the 8 week version, and Spring Retreat May 13-15 space left for 2).

I seriously did not plan starting two teleclasses plus a retreat in such a condensed period of time on purpose.

I never would do that.

Except this statement appears to be untrue. As it turns out, I’m probably doing that.

Do you ever feel a time crunch scheduling conflict, and you’re a little stressed about the load?

Or, perhaps, it’s completely impossible to do what you think you wanted to do in the amount of time you had available to do it in?

Oy vey.

I need more time.

It’s sooooo true!

We’ve done similar inquiry before, but let’s see what happens today as we look more deeply at why we need more time, and what’s really going on with this belief “I need more time.”

This is one of those top-hit repeating thoughts. A stressful belief that appears and re-appears over and over.

So….why?

Why do you need more time?

Because I have special things to say about the Relationships Course and they need to be written, then shared, and special things to say about the Eating Peace course, and two different mailing lists of people interested in them, and I should tell them about what they’re like so they can decide if its a good time for them to take the plunge and do The Work in these areas.

Writing and making announcements takes time!

But I’m off in the hinterlands to hang out on the earth with a small tribe doing more non-writing-ish things. I won’t have my computer with me much. Although this hasn’t stopped me before.

Why do I need to write about my courses?

So people know about them, so they can opt-in and sign up. You can’t actually run a course or a retreat without people participating in it….right??!

(Not actually true, I realize. I can do The Work myself in quiet solitude and have a fabulous time being student and facilitator….although I’m pretty dang sure I wouldn’t sit as still, nor as quietly, nor as long, if on my own. But that’s another inquiry.)

Funny, though….having people enrolled seems important. It seems necessary. Maybe even critical for making this business of service in The Work to happen. How else do I join with others to do inquiry? How else do I earn a living?

This is VERY IMPORTANT!!

I do know, however, that creating offerings and sharing them with the world can be done stress-free (amazing, but true) and without the belief “I need more time!” screaming in my ears.

If you feel like you really need more time to complete something, or accomplish it the way you want, then this inquiry is for you.

This inquiry can happen when you’re on a freeway stuck in traffic and you’re late. It can happen if your biological clock is ticking and pretty soon it won’t be possible to have children. It can happen if you’re aging and you want to live to see more happen. It can happen if someone you love dearly is moving away, or terminally ill. It can happen if a buzzer just went off and you had to stop doing whatever you were doing.

I need more time….so I can savor what’s happening much longer, so I can not feel the loss, so I can feel filled up, so I can be satisfied, successful, achieve what I want, accomplish the dream, or live.

It’s a pretty big deal, this needing more time. A lot is hanging on it.

How do you react when you believe you need more time?

I make lists, sometimes physically but mostly in my head. I think since there’s pressure to get stuff done in a certain amount of time, I have to be hyper clear, on task, no “wasted” time. I feel a rushed energy within, tight and tense.

If someone interrupts you, and you’re believing you need more time, how do you treat that person? (Visions of telling my daughter NOT NOW when she burst through the door to my room).

Sometimes, with this belief, there’s sadness. Hand wringing. Fear. Pictures of what’s to come….like death, life over, time run out. I think about my dad dying long ago. I needed more time with him.

But who would you be without this thought that you need more time?

What if all those things you need more time for, can wait….or aren’t really necessary for happiness, right now?

Wait. What?

I don’t need more time with my dad, in order to be happy? I don’t need more time to wake up and get enlightened? I don’t need more time to make money?

Huh.

What if you stopped, in this moment, and noticed the space you’re in. Are you OK? What’s going on right now, no matter what the date, year, or hour on the clock says?

Ha ha, for me, I notice my body is ready to take a walk, not write. I put on my coat and slip my phone/camera into one pocket and my wallet in the other of my heavy down coat. I walk out on the street of this new city I’m in, where I’ve never been before. I stop in a little organic grocery mart and get some yummy food in a little bag, snack size. I step out again and begin to walk, having no mental idea of where I am, looking around at the buildings with fascination.

I stop sometimes and take a picture, I love buildings so much. I notice the odd arrangement of huge brick Victorian houses next to weird 1960s complexes. I walk and walk and breathe in the air and stare at the people, listen to the French and the English being spoken, and drink in the street.

And then, I turn a corner and before my eyes appears a massive gigantic building rising in the distance with a tall tower reminiscent of Big Ben in London, with gargoyles and flowery decor and massive windows, all across an expansive lawn. As I walk, I’m in the middle of a huge central square, and right near me a big beautiful flame burning as the sun sets in a sort of tureen in the middle of a wide stately walk.

Welcome to the Parliament of Canada, I read on the sign.

I had no idea this was here.

I do not need more time.

Could this opposite point of view be truer?

“Focus your attention on the now and tell me what problem you have at this moment….You are leaving behind the deadening world of mental abstraction, of time. You are getting out of the insane mind that is draining you of life energy, just as it is slowly poisoning and destroying the Earth. You are awakening out of the dream of time into the present.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Much love,

Grace

P.S. For either telecourse, or the retreat, you need no experience in self-inquiry. Come. Something in your mind produces stress when it comes to love, or that one particular relationship. Some thought in your mind produces agony when it comes to eating. Troubling thoughts about reality create a troubling reality. Come to teleclass, or to retreat in Seattle, and turn in the direction of peace.

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I did it wrong

bow
bowing to whatever appears as difficult

Night before last, while still in California after the beautiful retreat I was offering ended, I went with my delightful host (her home was where our Eating Peace Retreat took place) to see one of the gazillion spiritual teachers in the Bay Area.

The gathering was sweet, small (maybe 25 people) in a gorgeous old mission-styled building in Berkeley. The three-quarters moon shone brightly.

For about half an hour, we sat savoring silence.

My eyes closed, I could hear people entering and shuffling behind me, yet feel the sweetness of space, quiet, a centeredness inside that’s here no matter where this body goes.

Outside, satsang….Inside at the center, dark sweet quiet.

This lovely teacher (Pamela Wilson) was sitting in a soft red chair, facing the rest of us in the audience. She was gentle, with a kind voice and a darling smile and long straight light-colored hair like mine. She didn’t speak long before asking if anyone had a question.

I love watching and hearing how a guide at the front of the room works with the questions from an audience. She had a kind approach, soft and motherly voice, unassuming yet clear, without hesitation, periodically suggesting people give an internal “bow” to anything they’re observing, including the mind.

She suggested bowing especially to things we object to. You just give a little bow, from the heart, on the inside, and no one has to know.

Isn’t that sweet?

Towards the end, I raised my hand, although I honestly had no question.

As the microphone made its way towards me, I thought “I better think of a good question” but mostly what I wanted was to speak “hello”. I wanted to know how she came to discover this sweet way with the world. I was so curious about her journey, which I knew nothing about.

“But you can’t ask her about herself….you have to ask her aboutyour spiritual journey whatever that is….so you leave with a new tidbit for your toolbox.”

With the mic in my hand, I started explaining, saying “here’s where I used to be, here’s where I am now” giving my assessment of my “spiritual” journey and she was someone who might comment on how I’m doing so far.

Afterwards, I thought….”Why didn’t you just have a real, more honest talk and share in the moment rather than ask for advice All About Me And My Journey? Why didn’t you go ahead and ask her about her experience the way you wanted to?”

After sleeping deeply and well, when I awoke the next morning, my mind turned to the memory of this moment the night before and watched the feeling of a mild version of “I did it wrong” appear.

Funny how this little thought can be tiny, or enormous, and cause immense suffering depending on how sure you are it’s true.

Can you find some moment or some experience where you thought “I did it wrong?”

Just about everyone in the Eating Peace Retreat I just facilitated had many times thought they did it wrong with food. They did it wrong with eating, with a meal, with a binge, with a diet, with a compulsive moment, with their bodies, or with their weight.

When you have a lot of proof that you did it wrong a terrible feeling can come over you, in this moment now. (As your mind scans your life it sees you, at many different ages and different moments, doing it “wrong” perhaps).

Even in that tiny flash of experience I recently had, asking the spiritual guide/teacher a question, my after-thought was I did it wrong. So funny to recognize this familiar idea, repeated over a lifetime.

We’ve all heard of the idea that you can’t do it wrong, or you can’t make a mistake….but we sure don’t always believe this idea, right?

No way

I’m sure I could have done better, we’ll say. I screwed up. It was a bad outcome. I definitely did it wrong.

But let’s investigate to see if it could be absolutely true we could do it wrong, and it’s a terrible thing this is so.

The best way I know how to get to the heart of it, and explore, is to land on a specific time and place in your life where you really believe you DID do it wrong.

I can go to the moment at satsang. You can go to your own experience where you think you did it wrong.

You did it wrong, is that true?

Yes, Grace, you did.

You made way too much noise in the head. You didn’t stay simple and true to yourself. You rambled. You made no sense. You were float-y and using retarded terms like “this is taking too long”.

What is “this” you were talking about? Why would you confess you have a thought about the pace of time “this is taking too long”….or sound like you’re trying to get somewhere, like an awakening in the future when you already know that’s ridiculous? Why would you try to explain your “spiritual” journey when you basically don’t even know what that is in the first place, really? Why talk about yourself when you actually want to talk about her instead?

What a dunce.

Question Two. Can you absolutely know something went wrong

Can you absolutely know all this chatter, so intent on the wrongness of Grace’s question in that moment, is wrong itself?

(Out of the wrong-ness blossoms the idea that even thinking I’m wrong is wrong).

How do I react when I believe this idea and follow the trail or line of thinking that there is something “wrong” or inadequate or not enough or missing…..and even that thinking something is wrong, is wrong?

(Hilarious).

The way I react is I see whatever “me” is as disappointing. Less than enough. This moment is missing something. Like there’s a gigantic buffet of wisdom in that room (inside the spiritual teacher especially, and the two hours we have together) and it is not a part of me.

She has it, I don’t.

Like I remember with food and eating and the way it used to feel for me (not enough, wrong, too much, never just right). I am empty, not full enough, I need more. And I need it fast. There may not be another chance.

But who would I be without this belief that something wrong could occur? Without the thought I said it wrong, or did it wrong, or did it less than ideally, or I didn’t get what I needed, or I didn’t get fully satisfied, or I wasn’t able to ask the question the “right” way so I could take in information and feel the fabulous sensation of tasting and getting enough?

Who would you be without the belief you did it wrong?

Yes. Even that BIG thing you did wrong?

What I notice is that right now, not much is happening. I am typing and the mind is streaming these words as I wonder, pause, feel fingertips on computer keys, sense this body, notice mind flashing pictures of people I’ve met and love, or the bright smile of Pamela

You might look around and see what’s happening, now

What’s the opposite of “I did it wrong”

I did it right

Couldn’t this be just as true, or truer

Of course

If you really think about reality….how could it be any other way? It’s what happened

It got me here, to this moment now.

“This place where you are right now,
God circled on a map for you.”
~ Hafiz
 
This includes the “wrong” thing you did.
Which includes talking into a microphone on a quiet Sunday night in Berkeley, California with a loving blue-eyed teacher and an attentive accepting group of humans all gathered to talk about life.
Can you see examples of how where you are right now is right, and what you did “wrong” helped you get to it?
Yes.
I bow to that thing I did, now. And now. And now.

Much love,

Grace

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lush rose beauty, and self-inquiry

rose1
sunny rose outside my California window this morning, on retreat

This morning I’ve awakened to huge red roses outside my California bedroom window, and bright sun shining in light blue sky.

We’re about to gather in a few hours for Eating Peace Retreat.

I love this journey.

One of my favorite questions to ask, and answer….is why I am unhappy (if I think I am) about a situation, an interaction, a condition?

I will be asking all the beautiful people attending the retreat today this question, especially about eating, weight, food, and even beyond these.

What is going on here in our lives when it comes to “(fill in the blank on someone you feel bad about)”?

This is the first question on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, when we’re identifying why we’re troubled.

Spending some time there, with our answers, is deeply powerful.

Wondering why, identifying why, writing it down.

Only when captured on paper, or in consciousness, can we then work with these reasons, and find out what’s really true.

“Self-inquiry is a spiritually induced form of wintertime. It’s not about looking for a right answer so much as stripping away and letting you see what is not necessary, what you can do without, what you are without your leaves.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love,

Grace

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if you’re of sound mind, how can you possibly believe?

You can make the wrong decision….is that true? It’s YOUR decision….is that true?

The other night, my husband and I got in the car as the sun set, on a glorious warm spring evening here in Seattle.

We were headed for an annual event, a great friend’s birthday party–always lively, full of music, dancing, conversations, costumes, re-connecting, joking.

And then I said….”Wow, I’m kind of tired. I’d almost rather stay home and rest and hang out with you.”

I had been on a road trip that very day, driving a couple of hours to another town with my daughter and mom to tour the same college I graduated from–a bit of a memory-lane experience for me. My daughter was accepted there, but not so sure she wanted to attend.

It had been an emotional day, a day full of feelings, long-forgotten images.

I had told several other friends, who always went to this big shin dig every year, that I wasn’t guaranteed to be there, because of this college visitation day.

I knew after a long day on the road, heading out for a party might not be on the top of the self-care list.

Right when I suggested out loud about not going…..my husband said “Really? Well, if you don’t want to, I’m COMPLETELY happy to turn this car around and go back home.”

Six minutes later, we were back home.

We were both asleep by ten o’clock.

At 2:30 am, I woke up thinking about my former life in college and what a strange, uncomfortable, self-destructive, anxiety-ridden time it had been, whether or not my daughter would be OK if she attended the same school, all the fun I missed at the party that night and the people I didn’t get to see, the final IRS payment I needed to make for taxes, my upcoming Eating Peace retreat next week.

Fortunately for me…..I could feel the Not-True-ness of the wee-hours thoughts, and I soon fell back to sleep again.

But it reminded me of how painful it used to be to think I made the wrong decision.

  • I should have gone to a different college
  • I should have been more mentally healthy when I was in my twenties
  • I should have gone to that party last night
  • I should have chosen a more solid career earlier in life
  • I should have married an entrepreneur long ago, or a playwright

If you’ve ever thought you made the wrong decision, it can be a horrible feeling if you think the consequences or outcome is BAD.

Not long ago, a young woman wrote to me saying she needed help, she was filled with such regret about saying “no” to a man who asked her to marry him.

He went on to get married to another woman.

Her heart was broken, she said she felt desperate, devastated, like she’d made a terrible decision.

But who would she be without her belief her decision was “wrong”?

Who would any of us be without the belief that our past decisions were the “wrong” decisions?

What if we truly didn’t know? What if it was not true? What if it went the way it went for a very important reason?

Who would you be without your story that it should have gone differently, and YOUR DECISION was the cause of your suffering?

Even though you have a voice, and you did say “no” and you were the one who walked away, or you were the one who chose (apparently), you were the one who said “yes”, you were the one who did or didn’t follow a path, you were the one who turned left….

….who would you be without the belief this was all up to you.

This doesn’t mean it was someone else’s fault suddenly. This is more like, who would you be without it being anyone’s “fault” at all?

What if it should have gone just as it went?

Can you find anything, whatsoever, coming out of that decision and how things unfolded, that benefitted your life?

I notice, when I look at what resulted from my decisions, and trust the way life ran itself, many good things came from every choice (and I’m not sure it was ever “me” solely choosing anything, to be honest).

That college gave me support, kindness, and attention that no other more competitive environment had given me. I graduated. I grew more honest. I dated a very loving boyfriend. I had an amazing therapist who lived in the town of that college who taught me the art of journaling to get to know myself.

My mental suffering led me to a passion so deep for understanding the human condition, I was lit up with learning ever since. My career was awakening, what could be more thrilling, and why would I want anything more solid?

I should have married exactly who I did, and NOT married exactly who I did not. I should have married myself (the practice of a lifetime, and pure joy to be married to “me” now).

I should not have gone to that party the other night.

It was a beautiful, restful, gentle night of silence, wondering, making peace with my college days, making friends with thinking, meditating in the night, spending time with my life partner husband in great connection, watching the rest of Mooji (one of my favorite teachers) miraculously on video even though he was in India and I was in Seattle, feeling the space of inner peace deep, deep within, feeling grateful.

Can you find, in this present moment, what is OK about it, no matter what decision you ever made?

YOU made that decision, is it true?

“When you believe you can make the wrong decision…you’re in past, future, past, future…don’t worry about the present, just past, future, past, future!….The universe will give you what you need. There are soooo many advantages. If you’re of sound mind, how could you possibly believe you made a mistake?” ~ Byron Katie video clip youtube

Every thought somehow, lately, feels less true than ever, and fading into oblivion.

Without this moment having anything wrong with it–including a past decision?

Presence, here now. Life. Joy. It is a feeling in the very center of anything that could be thought.

Can you feel it?

Much love, Grace

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Trapped for a week with a maniac!

crazy
Trying to control your thoughts? Welcome to crazyville.

I’ve received quite a few requests from folks who really wanted to listen to the Replay of Monday’s webinar about “Control” when it comes to compulsion (specifically with eating).

Click here to watch the webinar slide show to understand moving out of trying to control yourself or your feelings, and investigate them instead. A whole new world. The Q & A at the end I found wonderful, too, including wanting to control kids’ eating, and what to do if you feel you really can’t stop. Enjoy, and write to me and let me know what’s helpful that you learn.

*********

Speaking of CONTROL.

Control is a topic of interest to everyone…..whether you grapple with it, or not.

Not just for people who’ve experienced wild out-of-control episodes of consuming, drinking, or doing some kind of intense behavior like trying to have sex with as many people as possible or eating everything in your kitchen from one end to the other.

The energy of “bingeing” is not limited to eating, that’s for sure.

But eating seems like one of the most socially acceptable, pervasive, constantly available compulsive behaviors around.

Even kids do it (unlike a lot of the other addictive behaviors), especially kids challenged with tough emotional experiences, anxiety, or confusion.

When we talk about “control” there’s ONE area probably 99.9 % of us have felt Out-Of-Control in.

Thinking.

And yet, we try so hard to control it.

We have beliefs like “I need to fix my thinking” or “I’m being to negative” or “I’ve got to stop obsessing about x, y or z”.

Over a decade ago, I went on my first “silent” retreat.

I put the word “silent” in quotations because….

….even though the room was quiet with 200+ people sitting with their eyes closed, even though there was no talking while standing in line for meals, or eating meals, even though there was no gesturing or writing notes or looking into other peoples’ eyes, and there was literally nothing to “do” except be in one of three places all day (meditation hall, dining hall, sleeping room)….

….it seemed like it was the loudest retreat I had ever been on in my life.

INSIDE MY HEAD!!

And I mean, it was a scream of immense suffering that I almost didn’t know where it came from or what it was all about.

Something seemed horrified at my thinking, and how out of controlit actually was, and how mean and bitter and negative and alarmed.

I had been trying to fix my thinking for years, and here it was right in my face.

I couldn’t sleep most nights during that retreat, my brain was talking so loudly.

The second night of trying, I got up with my tiny flashlight so as not to disturb the other women all lined up on cots sleeping in the pitch dark of a mountain retreat with no moon.

I’ll start walking. That’s it. I can’t lie still here anymore. I love the trails here. It will be brilliant to be out at sunrise. 

I pulled on my socks and shoes, my sweater and jacket. This was northern California and very chilly up in the mountains. I had put my phone away so I had no idea what time it was (no checking emails, no looking at facebook, no contact with the internet. On purpose).

Very softly and slowly, I made my way out of the full room of sleeping sounds, and into the dimly lit foyer, past a reception sort-of open area and towards the bathroom that lit up suddenly making my eyes squint and blink when I entered.

Then, I saw the clock on the wall.

2:33 AM.

Seriously???!!!

As if to check, and make sure the clock was correct….

….I went all the way down the corridor, past the meditation hall, and out of the building and looked out into the night. Pitch dark.

I can’t even go on a f*&ing WALK!! Hell runneth over!!

That was my Shakespeare drama moment. I was fully and completely believing there was danger lurking and this was a TERRIBLE situation.

Even though I was surrounded by amazing people, listening to the beloved and wise author and spiritual teacher Adyashanti twice a day, I could ask a formal question if I wanted to, and basically there was NOTHING I “had” to do.

Food was prepared for me, the gong rang to call people to the hall. A fabulous bed was all mine. I was warm, and clothed.

I came here for this? I thought.

This is insanity! I can’t stand it! Get me outta here! My mind is simply too whacked to do this. I give up. I’m never doing this again. Only 5 more days. I’ll just get through it and go home, never to return. Impossible. Ridiculous. I can’t.

I truly felt like I was trapped in a room for a week with a maniac.

But little did I know, it was this voice that had been waiting desperately for the opportunity to talk with me. She/He (a sort of weird non-gendered monster) had been sitting in the corner waiting for me to stop “doing” stuff constantly for years.

In my twenties, I had eaten instead of listen to that horrible maniac. I had smoked and planned my life and worked and tried to control things and probably most especially that voice. I had spent a whole lot of energy focused on making sure I never, ever, ever was stuck in the same room with this maniac mind for more than one minute. I kept moving.

Why didn’t I remember that before I signed up for this retreat?

Well. Good question.

The reason I was there is because I had done lots of self-inquiry, The Work of Byron Katie, for a couple of years at that point.

And something within me had changed.

I was not so frantic, not so unwilling, and not so convinced that I was insane (or going there) and broken. I had gotten the feel of being something other than my mind itself. I didn’t have answers, but I was definitely calmer at the core.

I had seen by then that my thoughts were not necessarily True. It took a bit of inquiry to see this. There was no “convincing” that they were not true, only willingness to sit still and slowly look at the beliefs running through my mind (maybe for many years) that made me feel awful, and frightened, and like running for my life.

Fortunately, it was only the second day of the retreat.

The next day, I raised my hand to speak.

It was either than, or bolt.

Instead of speaking from the voice that tries to get everything in order, present well, be acceptable, and hold the Maniac Voice underwater until it drowns (which it unfortunately never did)….

….I spoke about my inner torture where I just felt like crawling out of my skin, and like the world was a dangerous place, and I was nuts.

The first step of The Work is expressing what you’re actually thinking that hurts. It’s identifying the beliefs of horror, of pain, of wondering why this world (or you) are so messed up, of despair.

Writing these thoughts down helps so much, because slowing down rather than speeding up is one of the most wondrous and weird keys to freedom (I’d let you know if I had discovered a faster way, believe me).

When I went up to the microphone, I called my thinking a cesspool. “It’s a cesspool in here” I said, pointing to my own head.

And here’s what happened that was unexpected, for the voice, and yet….not so unexpected at all, really.

People nodded, smiled, laughed. Adya basically said in his own more eloquent words: Oh, yeah. I get it. Been there. Done that.

You mean?

I’m not extra special crazy? I’m not hopeless?

No.

THINKING your way out of this predicament of being alive, and having to have things go well and favorably, is hopeless.

THINKING your way out of suffering is….not possible, it seems.

Just look around. It’s in the newspapers. Horrible things happen. It’s tragic. It’s absolutely awful. It’s a deep cry of wailing and sobbing and shock and sadness that’s unbearable for the mind.

But what I notice is, I am alive, even though I’ve seen horrible things (and they haven’t been so horrible compared to what some people have experienced, but it doesn’t matter).

So something here IS surviving. Life still is alive. Something is even present here that is NOT noisy. The mind might be shouting for attention, and shouting for you to watch out around every sharp corner (it loves to think everything’s a sharp corner on a mountain pass going 120 miles per hour).

But do you feel what is here, now, hearing the Maniac? I know the listener in us seems awfully quiet. So quiet it’s imperceptible. I sometimes can’t feel or hear the “listener” at all–I’m just like you.

But I know it’s there, because as soon as I stopped trying to run away from all that noise, the most wonderful feeling of relief poured through me.

And I slept all night long in my little sleeping cot at the retreat.

Question the thought: this world is horrible, hell, dangerous and insane.

Is it true?

Who would you be without that thought?

Turn it around: My thoughts are horrible, hell, dangerous and insane. This world is beautiful, heaven, safe and sane.

I notice, I can find many examples.

“….Nothing could be worse than trying to control what can’t be controlled. If you want real control, drop the illusion of control. Let life live you. It does anyway. You’re just telling the story about how it doesn’t, and that’s a story that can never be real. You didn’t make the rain or the sun or the moon. You have no control over your lungs or your heart or your vision or your breath. One minute you’re fine and healthy, the next minute you’re not. When you try to be safe, you live your life being very, very careful, and you may wind up having no life at all.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

When I tried to be safe, and careful, and full of warning screams within, I wound up binge eating.

I didn’t have a life. At all.

I just thought I did.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Again, here’s the replay for the Eating Peace webinar on having your needs met without control when it comes to eating. And if you want to join me for a deeper Eating Peace online mini retreat on Saturday (limited to 10) then click HERE to learn more and sign up.

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You know that improvement thing you should do?

youshouldbeOne of the strangest experiences some of us have about change or learning or inviting something new into our lives….

….is when something is right in front of us, and we’re intrigued, and we even know it’s helped others and we’re pretty sure there’s something good about it for us….

….but we don’t get around to it.

  • I really should start doing yoga.
  • I really should get into meditating daily, like I used to.
  • Doing The Work would be a great practice for me. 
  • I should stop eating so much. Or smoking.
  • I really should learn to communicate better with my partner.
  • I should start a savings account, I should pay off my house, I should quit wasting time on the computer.

But.

What is that….the “but”?

It’s like some other voice, or thought, or idea unconsciously comes up to meet this interesting plan about doing things differently and says:

NO!

Not enough time. Not enough energy. Not enough guarantee that it will work. Not enough motivation.

And then do you notice what typically happens?

Self-flagellation. Kicking yourself with your own thinking. Listing all the reasons why you’re a loser.

Not everyone does this, but if you do….you’re not alone. (I raise my hand, I’m great at this strategy).

Have you ever noticed this interesting result of self-hating thoughts?

Hacking yourself apart mentally has this weird way of detracting you from actually changing.

You enter punishment mode, so now, you’re busy.

Gosh….and you don’t actually have to look at the deets on what’s occurring that results in No Change.

Here’s a great question to ask, to get you started.

If you made this change, if you added this activity into your life, if you implemented this behavior, if you quit that thing you don’t really enjoy doing….

….what do you believe you would have?

This is the season of taxes in the USA. The other day I had to start getting all my documents and itemizations and totals ready to hand over to the accountant. My annual income is better than ever. I’ve never earned so much in my life (this isn’t saying much–but that’s another story). Which means, I owe taxes.

Just the very act of looking at the year and having to answer questions about what expenses were for, I started feeling uncomfortable. So uncomfortable, I had the thought “it would be better to never earn any money than have to tell other people, like an accountant, what I spent things on”.

Flash Thought during the money conversations: I need to win the lottery. 

But what would I have if I had a lottery win?

I’d be able to be frivolous with some expenditures. I could give money away freely. I wouldn’t have to think about how to responsibly attend to every penny. I could go on my meditation retreats and spend money on all the spiritual type things I do without guilt!

I could NOT have the conversation about business expenses because…..who should have opened a Self-Employment Pension SEP thingie (I didn’t know what it was either until yesterday)? Not me! I wouldn’t have to be responsible that way and have to worry about such stupid things as the future.

Leave me alone! I’m trying to meditate!

Many people resolve to make changes that change their health, or their relationships.

But they don’t actually do it.

What are you avoiding?

This is a serious question. The flip side to what would you have, if you had this thing you desire in the future.

For me (for starters), I imagine through winning some big amount of money I’d be free to spend no questions asked, and I’d avoid the criticism of others about all these retreats I attend. I’d do the SEP thingie, and still get to have fun.

I don’t stop there…..I keep going with the inquiry to dig into the underlying beliefs.

What would I have if I were free to spend on retreats no questions asked?

Happiness, relaxation, fun, excitement, understanding, acceptance.

What would I avoid, if I went on all these retreats?

The drudgery part of needing to earn money, count money, set aside money, pay taxes with money, “work” at promotion, growth, announcing my retreats, getting clients.

What would I have, and avoid, then?

Gulp.

Now we’re getting down to the nitty gritty rock bottom dark stories. Sometimes, they’re embarrassing.

My story is with lots of won money, I could avoid the unknown future, “needing” money, fear of not having enough, fear of not being useful or making a difference, and fear of not being very good at what I do and not helping anyone (because I wouldn’t be trying).

I could gain safety from all this.

I am also afraid of peoples’ jealousy (if I won a bunch of money) and thinking I should give some to everyone I know who needs it (quite a few people, I see in my mind).

So you see….

…..by exploring closely the tiny moment of stress I experienced in a meeting to talk about income and taxes…..

…..I see what frightens me about the future, or the past, and takes me away from this present moment now.

You can do this with any thought you have about what you should be doing so that your life would be improved.

(We look at this deeply in Eating Peace work, for example, to explore why we might want to be eating, instead of raking ourselves through the coals with condemning thoughts to punish ourselves for doing it).

Who would I be without the belief that it would be easier or more fun or offer freedom to have a ton of lottery-won money right now?

Noticing I’m resting comfortably on a beautiful cream-colored couch, in my lovely sweet living room, feeling this room, and this body, and this life. Hearing wind chimes ring.

Turning the thoughts around:

  • I should not do yoga–I could try only one small simple class for the joy of it, and I don’t “have to” do anything. 
  • I notice I love sitting quietly, again no “have to”.
  • Doing The Work is great practice for me. I join with others to share in it (so much fun). It’s the inner adventure of a lifetime, and a joy beyond belief.
  • I should keep eating, or smoking, to understand why I do it and sort out the internal workings of my soul…until I’m done.
  • I really should learn to communicate better with myself, and it will naturally be better with the world.
  • I should not start a savings account, I should not pay off my house, there is no wasting time. Not out of fear, only out of pleasure. 

Every time I truly wish for something different, and tell myself I should be doing it….I’m at war with what is.

I’m either thinking something’s missing in the present, or I’m avoiding something frightening about the future.

So yesterday, I spoke up.

I said to my husband, after the accountant meeting, “I’m worrying right now that you might be judging me for spending so much on retreats last year.”

You know what he said?

“No, not at all. You were investing in yourself. And maybe I have some ideas on how you could prepare better for tax time, and save a little.”

No resentment, no criticism, no fear.

“A thought may arise: ‘It’s okay now, but it’s going to be different when I step out the door’….Stop right here! Don’t think more–it is quite enough. Don’t say more–it is quite enough. Don’t strive more–it is quite enough. Now, don’t touch any idea of moving forward–simply rest as This, as it is, without that, as it could be. Now drop the idea of being This.” ~ Mooji

Who would you be without your list of shoulds?

Much love,

Grace

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Want a new identity?

Open yourself to this moment, and everything falls into place
Open yourself to this moment, and everything falls into place

This month the Year of Inquiry program is looking at the body, physical conditions or limitations, feelings like “exhaustion” we don’t like.

But really, the sticky beliefs we have about the body are almost the same as the ones we have about anything that feels uncomfortable.

If it’s a person, an experience, a condition, an interaction, part of reality and it causes anxiety, heartbreak, worry, or rage…..

…..often we have the same reaction.

Kill it.

Now, I’m kind of joking around here.

But “kill it” can mean the following: get away from it, destroy it, figure out how to crush it or punish it or make it go away forever, work hard to eliminate it, seek help to change it, and never be happy unless it looks like you might be successful at putting an end to your contact with this thing, person, condition, interaction or experience. Forever.

People in Year of Inquiry were noticing weight, shape, or feelings all as being “wrong” and how much the mind suffers when something is present that it thinks shouldn’t be.

I’ve had the same feeling with people, or with the condition of “not enough money” or even towards my own MIND.

It’s a problem.

How to solve it?

Make it go away. It shouldn’t exist. Not like this.

But let’s look at “change” and the wish that something was different than it is.

I demand this to change. Now.

Can you feel the stress? The frustration? The fury at that thing Not Changing?

What if you wished this about your mind, and the act of thinking itself?

Yeah! It should be calmer! It shouldn’t run around like a Tasmanian Devil. My thoughts should be relaxed, still, sharp, genius, and non-judging, and Not Bored.

Haha! As if.

(You know the saying “as if”? You say it with sarcasm like a super rebellious teenager and it means….”As If that could EVER happen!”)

So let’s do The Work on this demand for something to change–even the mind itself.

Is it true that it should change?

Answer this question about whatever it is you really, really think would be waaaaay better if it changed, upgraded, improved, stopped.

Are you absolutely sure it should?

Um. Pretty sure. At least…..

…..dang, now I’m confused.

Maybe not. Maybe I can’t know if it should change, this thinking mind. I’m not really trying to MAKE it think. It’s just doing that.

How do I know it’s not supposed to, or that I’d feel better if it didn’t?

I know how I react when I believe my mind is a problem.

I hammer away at it. I read books about “thinking” and changing the mind. I feel irritated with it. I’m sure there’s something I’m missing, that other people are enjoying out there. Poor me.

Who would I be without this belief, though?

Clunk.

Going blank.

You mean….no belief that this needs to change? No conviction that this is bad, and must be fixed?

Wow.

Wait, even the mind?

Yah.

What if you didn’t believe your evaluations were true, that this should go away, it needs to change, you will be happier later (and you aren’t right now)?

Who would you be without your thought that your thoughtsshouldn’t be as they are?

Hilarious, right?

“At the core of our suffering is the sense that something bad is happening to us. In fact, that’s what the word suffering literally means–to undergo or endure. There’s a sense of passivity (from the Latin passio, meaning ‘I suffer’), of not being in control, of being the victim of life….When the pain is not deeply accepted in this moment, I become ‘the one who is in pain’. And then the search is on. I do not want to be the one who is in pain. I want to escape pain. I want to be the one who is NOT in pain. I don’t want to be pain’s victim. I want a new identity!” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance

What if you turned it all around and you stood here, right now, without any sense of anything being wrong, or happening to you….

….not the difficult person, your condition, your body, the uncomfortable moment, or your fearful or troubled thoughts?

No need for any new identity.

As if.

“Open yourself to the Tao, then trust your natural responses; and everything will fall into place.” ~ Tao Te Ching #23

Much love, Grace