spirituality – Page 5 – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

September 13, 2016

Think too much? You are not alone.

One of my favorite moments in the brand new Year of Inquiry group, that just began last week, was when someone wrote to me on our little private group membership board….

….”I had no idea! And the individuals have all kinds of drama and angst just like me!”

There’s something so wonderful about realizing you are not alone.

As Byron Katie says….that there are no new thoughts.

This is quite profound.

All the thoughts you’ve ever had….all those terribly stressful, intense, horrifying, dramatic, terrible, selfish, condemning thoughts….

….all of them are Not New.

Isn’t this amazing?

You didn’t think your dreadful thoughts up! You didn’t invent them! It’s not some special problem, all yours, that you need to fix!

Who would you be without the belief that you’re twisted, messed up, wrong, deranged….that there’s something wrong with you, or your mind, and your thoughts?

Yesterday I was riding my bicycle on the very same trail I’ve been down hundreds of times. Hundreds.

The day was a late summer, gorgeous golden light day, with the poplar trees making that glorious sssshhhh-ing sound as I flew by.

In the middle of my ride, as my body is moving quickly (I notice this happens a lot while the physical form is busy) I wondered….

….what is without thought like, here?

Who am I without thoughts?

What’s going on here, if I didn’t have a thought?

Colors, sounds, people passing in the other direction on foot, or other bikers, or roller bladers. Shadows dancing. Leaves blowing. Green colors in all different shapes and sizes. The smell of blackberry bushes. The place I always turn around that I call the Infinity Tree (There are eight trunks. I’m serious. Eight trunks coming out of one tight circle of tree).

Who would I be in that moment, riding and peddaling along a river trail on a bike, without all the infinite thoughts that tend to appear?

It’s really…without BELIEVING the thoughts that appear.

Because thoughts appear….you can’t help it.

Your brain is running. If it’s empty, that’s OK. This is just noticing, what if there isn’t a “good” and a “bad” about mind creating thought?

What is believing?

This is a brilliant question.

Who would you be without believing your thought?

You only need to contemplate ONE thought at a time. Keep it simple. You don’t have to try to be someone without ALL thoughts, or some dramatic big wide goal to experience life, or a moment, without a thought. That would be tiring to try to do that.

But any of us can find what it’s like without believing.

I once heard the definition of “believing” is thinking the same thing over and over and over and over again and experiencing the feelings that accompany stressful thoughts over and over again, too.

That’s it.

Repetitive thinking along with feeling. Considering what you think to be true. Acting like it IS true. That’s believing.

Nothing more.

I noticed on the very same ride, I thought of someone I feel sad about. He left without saying goodbye. I wonder where he is now, if he’s alive and happy and thriving?

I think of this person almost every time I take a bike ride.

But who am I without the belief that anything I’m thinking….is true?

I am simply noticing. Noticing thought happens.

Noticing the SAME thoughts happen. (LOL, right)?

Who would you be without your story that thinking means anything? Or means what you think it means?

What if you are a human, with a mind and a brain and experiences….and you aren’t so different after all? You’ve got drama, and angst, and worry, and fear, and love, and kindness.

And something, some part of “you” that’s without thought.

You have THAT, too.

“Loving what is, is not accepting what is. It’s not kind of appreciating what is. It is loving what is. It is very exciting.” ~ Byron Katie

This is all of it.

“Thinking” and being a part of the human race. Sharing the same kind of mind.

Wondering about this stunning, thrilling question “who would you be without your thought?”

“Imagine that you are the Buddha under the Bodhi tree, or Christ in the desert, remaining perfectly still and unmoved by the body-mind’s nightmare. It may feel very real but it really is nothing more than a convincing illusion.” ~ Adyashanti

You are not alone. You can do this.

Much love,

Grace

August 27, 2016

My latest Peace Talk: the first time I did The Work (it made me sick)

sickdog — Listen to Peace Talk to hear my first time doing The Work, and feeling sick as a dog

Two people wrote to me yesterday and asked if they could get the masterclass replay Ten Barriers to The Work and How To Dissolve Them. Since I got asked twice, out it goes. Replay is now enabled.

To watch and listen to the MasterClass replay, click here. No opting-in. It’s yours, in service. This link will work until September 5th. This is the day before we start Year of Inquiry which I mention at the end of the masterclass–so it will be outdated after YOI begins.

So, if you want to look at it this weekend, or next long weekend in the United States, feel free.

Then it will go into review, revamp, update mode, or potentially be built into a longer series since there was just so much material to cover in two hours (yes, I know–two hours is a long time….so maybe listening to a part, then coming back later is the perfect way for you).

So speaking of those barriers (will she ever stop?) I was thinking about the Big Kahuna Number One Barrier again yesterday.

Which is doing The Work of Byron Katie on yourself. Not other people or things outside of you in your life. Just wanting to do it on YOU.

Now….here’s the funny thing.

I suddenly remembered that the very first time I did The Work ever in public was when Byron Katie came to my city and offered a weekend-long workshop. There were hundreds of people there.

And guess what I did The Work on?

Um. Yes. (After all this talk of not doing The Work on yourself).

Me.

That’s exactly who I filled out my Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on, even though we were invited to NOT fill it out on ourselves and instead consider someone else we might not have forgiven yet.

Me.

But here’s what I remember happened that amazing and horribly difficult weekend. I realized something profoundly important, even though I was “working” on myself.

That I might not be the awful monster I thought I was.

It was a huge beginning to an incredible journey of waking up out of a zombie trance of self-criticism.

So, can I really know it’s difficult or wrong, or even a barrier, to do The Work on oneself?

No.

If you’re one of the people who feels deeply compelled to question thoughts that bring you suffering about yourself, you might enjoy this latest Peace Talk Episode 120.

Even though I spoke on Peace Talk last time about doing The Work on yourself and what to do instead, or how to take it a bit deeper, in this episode I share what happened when I did The Work on myself, anyway.

During that first dreadful weekend workshop, I hardly spoke, I gave no one any eye contact, I never raised my hand (wouldn’t have dreamt of it), felt physically like death warmed over, hated what I wrote on that worksheet…..

…..but something shifted inside of me that was the beginning of the end of the pain…..

…..even though my worksheet appeared to be all about me.

So even though I’ve gone on and on about Barrier #1 to deepening The Work being the way we want to do it on ourselves at first…..

…..there’s nowhere you can’t go with The Work and nothing that will prevent you from freedom, if you answer the questions.

(Peace Talk is also on IHeart Radio and Stitcher by the way, and it helps spread the word so much when you leave a review or subscribe).

“Thinking that people are supposed to do or be anything other than what they are is like saying that the tree over there should be the sky. I investigated that and found freedom.” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is That True?

This goes for ourselves, too. Thinking WE are supposed to do or be anything other than what we are is like saying something cray cray.

Investigate it.

Much love,

Grace

August 22, 2016

The Do-Do of believing in requirements

docknight — Remembering….nothing is required.

Last night, I was leafing through my well-worn book Loving What Is.

I was thinking about time and how I needed more of it.

How I want to hike Mt. Dickerman before the summer is over, connect for meals or walks with some important friends, clean out the shed, finish the doggone book proposal that’s been on the back burner for two years, create the first webinar for the new Year of Inquiry peeps, go on a date with my husband, add a little more time to meditation silence each day….

….and once again I wondered what it would be like if I really remembered every moment that there is nothing truly required. No place I’ll get to that’s “it” after I do all these things.

No way I can exert pressure or force change on my environment, the people I’ve known, the situations I’ve encountered that I find troubling, frightening, sad, or necessary and feel peace.

There is no way I can do everything my mind pictures or suggests to me. No way I can see every place I learn about, or read every book, or get it all done.

There is no way I can avoid heartbreak, or difficult things happening….like disappointment, or death.

A voice dimly shouted “Get to work!” like I should start the list, or start something, anything. It was an unusual day, after all….nothing on the calendar at a set time. Many things could be done, but nothing required for happiness.

Nothing required for happiness.

What a strange concept, right?

I’ve been so conditioned, it seems, to figure out (I love the way the words “figure out” are so mentally oriented) where this life ought to go, for it to be the greatest show on earth….

….or at least a really good one….

….and I’ve been told Nothing Will Happen Unless I Make It Happen.

I’ve got proof of those people who didn’t do anything, and tanked.

No success, no service to others, nothing noble, no enlightenment before they died, no major impact on the human race, no invention that stops global warming, no big accomplishment, no wild adventure that could be made into a Hollywood movie.

Sigh.

(This one again, Grace? Come on. How many times do you have to inquire about…..)

Deep breath.

I have to make stuff happen. This moment, not enough is happening. I need to make MORE happen.

Is it true?

Suddenly, remembering what a funny thought that one is, that I have to be the get-it-done person, or else (terrible images).

I mean, this just isn’t true.

There’s a problem in this moment….not true.

Not even close.

I know what I’m like WITH the thought there’s a problem, and I need to make stuff happen so I’m better off or more successful later on.

I’m tight, snappish. I don’t stop working on these things I think are valuable, that help the effort to get somewhere very important.

My daughter interrupts and I say with some sharpness “not now, wait five minutes”.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that….but really? Is this such an emergency and so important I can’t answer her question, and cook some dinner with her?

Who would I be without this story?

Noticing how much fun I have in movement, and in slowness. It moves back and forth, flowing strong, then soft.

It doesn’t have to be turned on, turned up, going 100 mph all day without stopping to be called “successful”.

Without the belief it’s required to make stuff happen, I might sit on the front porch and talk with an old friend on skype for awhile, then go on a bike ride.

I might reflect on how I’ve heard that the man Siddhartha, who became known as Buddha, fried so very hard to find wisdom that he practically killed himself with aesthetic spiritual practice for years.

Even WITH the thought….I may notice I don’t tackle the list, and instead, I still bike ride.

Who is this “I” that’s noticing the Task Master anyway? Or the Lazy Do Nothing-er? Or the images of what will happen if (Do or Not Do)?

Without the belief that I must “do” I notice I actually DO do.

That is, I enjoy doing some things. I adore writing. I love to read. I like talking closely with a friend one-on-one. I like exchanging emails with people asking about space in Year of Inquiry. New ideas float through. I schedule my first “livestream” for Thursday at 1 pm without really knowing what it is or what I’ll say or if it will work.

I notice the Way of It is someone loving writing, getting up and drinking some water, asking my husband a question about his day, hearing silence, eating a juicy nectarine, watching Mooji on youtube, or leafing through Loving What Is.

Remembering happens, that this is it, nothing more, no later future like tomorrow. THIS.

Loving What Is, page 53.

Katie: If I think that someone else is causing my problem, I’m insane.

Inquirer: I see. So….we cause our own problems?

Katie: Yes, but only all of them. It’s just been a misunderstanding. Your misunderstanding. Not theirs. Not ever, not even a little. Your happiness is your responsibility. This is very good news.

Maybe this also includes when I think my mind is causing problems, or money is causing problems, or the body is causing problems, or the mosquito bite itch is causing problems.

It’s all a misunderstanding. My happiness is my responsibility.

Now.

This is very good news. Very, very good news.

The best news I could ever imagine in the world. That without believing my stressful thoughts (or any thoughts) are true in this moment….

….I’m not only sane. I’m happy.

Thank you, Four Questions.

And if that’s a big jump to take, start on the first “problem”. Get with others and do The Work. Take a telecourse, call the Help Line, find a partner, answer the questions, attend a meetup for The Work, joinYear of Inquiry.

Get it in your bones and see what happens when you let go of “doing” and simply question what hurts, instead.

Much love,

Grace

August 18, 2016

Why do The Work? (+ early bird YOI closes tonight at midnight PT)

h-c-YOI2016

I am beyond-excited about the new participants who have registered for Year of Inquiry 2016-2017.

I feel so touched that people raise their hand for such a long commitment….an entire year.

One of the biggest considerations people have is wondering if this process of doing The Work steadily will “work”.

It’s kind of a funny question to answer.

Because, if you know anything about this brilliant process called The Work of Byron Katie, you know it’s powerful, deep, simple and liberating….and there are no guarantees.

When someone asks me if I think doing The Work will work, whether they’re thinking about Year of Inquiry or any other program involving self-inquiry, I actually want to find out more and ask them questions.

What do you need it to “work” for?

What are you having troubles with? What do you object to about your life? What else have you tried? How will you know if it’s worked? How will you know if it hasn’t worked?

What I’ve noticed about my own life, is when I have Great Expectations for something and really feel a deep conviction that something MUST WORK, I’ve got a bit of fear.

Or a lot of it.

I remember this was my feeling the first time I called a therapist, and scheduled an appointment. Ok, Ok, my mom called the therapist. But I felt utterly desperate. I so wanted to understand myself, to heal my crazed eating patterns, to quell my anxiety, to see if I could relax and find hope about my world.

This was also my feeling….fear, desperation….when I first attended a Twelve Step Meeting for people suffering from addictive drinking, although I was there because of my eating (they didn’t have an Overeaters Anonymous in the place I was temporarily living at the time, but they did have AA and someone said to go anyway).

It seemed like extreme suffering, secrecy, pain and shame drove me to seek help.

Those two processes–therapy and 12 Steps–changed everything for me. It was like some lights got turned on in a very dark room. I found support, care, love and new ways of sharing I never imagined possible.

I started connecting with the world more more, rather than being such a reclusive scaredy cat, especially amount my emotional life.

Fast forward to about twenty years later.

I’ve graduated with a master’s degree in Applied Behavioral Science because I’m just so dang fascinated with the human mind, human actions, human thought.

I’ve gotten married, stayed at one job for several years, bought a house, made friends, had two beautiful children (home births), taken writing classes, and no longer ate my head off when I was upset.

I was clearly not desperate and terrified anymore.

Not like that other dreadful way, that felt like I was small, lost, suicidal and frightened in a big enormous and strange world.

And yet….

….I had a kind of feeling of deep angst within, if I really thought about it, when it came to my true spirit.

I still had a constant question inside. I still felt uncertain, troubled and like life was one big fat question mark–and I didn’t like it.

What is life for? Is this happiness? If you stop feeling broken, is that all there is? What about deep peace? What is this place (earth)? Why am I here? Why was I so screwed up in my twenties? Can I make sure my kids don’t suffer as much as I did? What is God? What is faith? Did I make a mistake? What would I have faith “in” if I had it? Did I do enough today? Why do terrible things happen? Why don’t I like that person?

How can I understand All This?

Because I didn’t really feel like all there was to life was getting over feeling mentally ill (eating disorder, depression, anxiety) and being “normal”, whatever that was.

Right?

Over the years I read volumes of books on spirituality, religion, peace and self-improvement or personal development. I went to est. After my master’s degree, I spent another $15K on a one year Life Coach training program. I bought all the books on “success”. I watched the movie the Secret.

Not that there’s anything wrong with any of those—they were all great, actually.

But then, I came across the book “Loving What Is”.

I was sooooo intrigued.

There was no cheerleading, no positive affirmations, no creating plans, no training for a future, more successful moment later on.

It was about this moment, here, now. No matter what was happening in it.

And what I thought of it.

No guru, no teacher, no key, no special religion, no right answer needed.

Only the time to consider and contemplate, to wonder about my thinking, to meditate on situations I thought of as horrible….

….and take them through four questions, and then find turnarounds, just as an experiment, not as anything I “should” do or “better” do, or else.

The invitation was peace.

True peace was something I still dearly wanted.

And it’s been an amazing journey. (Not over yet, I notice).

What I love about The Work is best described at the very beginning of the book Loving What Is:

“The deeper you go into The Work, the more powerful you realize it is. People who have been practicing inquiry for a while often say, ‘The Work is no longer something I do. It is doing me.’ They describe how, without any conscious intention, the mind notices each stressful thought and undoes it before it can cause any suffering. Their internal argument with reality has disappeared, and they find that what remains is love—love for themselves, for other people, and for whatever life brings. The title of this book describes their experience: Loving what is becomes as easy and natural as breathing.” ~ Stephen Mitchell, husband to Byron Katie, Introduction to Loving What Is

After reading Loving What Is, it took me awhile to really “do” The Work. I didn’t have patience for it one minute when I tried it on my own.

I also developed a raging inexplicable fever the first time I went to see Byron Katie. (I was trying The Work on one thing I was most ashamed about in my entire life–an abortion. Next time remind me to start out a little slower).

I went to the School for The Work and had insight after insight popping in my mind, so stunned I didn’t sleep more than four hours a night for 9 months.

You mean, all my suffering could be altered, my experience of life completely changed, by identifying my painful thinking and asking if it was really true? Seriously?!

WOW.

But I still wouldn’t sit down and DO The Work all by myself.

Then someone touched my arm at a Byron Katie event and said “can I hire you as a facilitator?”

Oh. Hire me. Um. Well. Hire me?

Yes.

She worked with me for three years straight. A brilliant inquirer.

Or should I say….I worked with her for three years straight.

Because that’s what every person who shows up to work with me is. Someone to do The Work with. My work. My teacher, my family, my guide, my coach, my friend, my colleague, my companion.

They are a part of my world….and this world has become absolutely brilliant.

Now, THAT, is a story worth keeping.

As people in The Work for awhile joke, “This is my (new) story, and I’m stickin’ to it!”

We really have no idea where this story is going.

But it’ll probably be better than anything we could have ever imagined.

Considering that, all hatred driven hence,

The [mind] recovers radical innocence

And learns at last that it is self-delighting,

Self-appeasing, self-affrighting,

And that its own sweet will is Heaven’s will.

~ William Butler Yeats(printed in Loving What Is, by Byron Katie)

If you find yourself drawn, and yet you do not “do” The Work as deeply as you’d like whether on your own or with others, then maybe Year of Inquiry is for you. We start September 1st with Orientation, and September 8th is our very first call.

It’s for those who love self-inquiry, have seen the joy it brings, and who need to connect with others to keep it alive and shining.

For people like me.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. For those who have questions (I’ve received a bunch) on what are the fees and how did I come to them, the logistics, and what exactly is included in YOI….you can visit the YOI web page, but here’s the short version:

In a nutshell….with a business expert a few years ago, I wrote down every program I’ve ever done myself, or heard directly about, focusing on personal transformation and understanding thoughts, feelings, and peaceful human behavior, and came in under most.

Individual therapy $740 per month/ $8800 per year.
Group therapy $450 per month/ $5400 per year.
Life Coach training $8,000-$15,000 per year.
School for The Work $5500 for 9 days.
The Forum $550 for one weekend (plus many more courses).
Context Trainings $595 weekend (plus advanced courses).
Meditation retreat with favorite teacher $525 (5 days).
Geneen Roth Women, Food and God Retreat $1845 (6 days).

The normal YOI full program fee is $3200 including everything and $2275 for All-But-Retreats YOI for a 12 month program, a private group through June, then Summer Camp for The Mind 5 days a week.

This crazy early-bird helps me prepare and get the group together before we even start. It’s $2700 for full YOI and $1900 for All-But-Retreats.

Refund: Anyone can withdraw before November 1st, 2016 for a full refund minus only $100 per month (September and/or October). Take 60 days to feel it out and decide. You’ll be treated from the start like a part of the team, but if it’s not for you, no questions asked.

Schedule: We meet on teleconference call, password protected, using skype, webcall, or simple phone. Tuesday 8:30, Weds 2:00 pm, Thurs 5:30 pm PT. All 90 minutes. Come to one, or all, of the telecalls. These meet 3 weeks of every month.

Once a month at the beginning of the month, we’ll have an intro webinar on that topic, and you’ll be guided through the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. It will be recorded.

Everyone gets access to YOI via Slack, a really cool custom private online forum you can put on your phone and your computer. We stay connected together all year.

Partner Work: Everyone gets to Casual Partner or Training Partner as followed in Institute for The Work 1-4-1 partnering. You choose.

Two retreats Seattle: October 13-16, 2016 and May 2017

To learn all the greater details, please visit the Year of Inquiry web page right here.

“When you believe your thoughts, you suffer….but only 100% of the time.” ~ Byron Katie

August 17, 2016

Orchestrate your own happiness (who’s coming?)

nisargadattaquoteYOI Yesterday I offered for the third time (I called it an Encore since so many people requested it “just once more”) the MasterClass on Ten Barriers That Derail, Deflect, Cloud, Make Murky or Result in Meh When It Comes To Doing The Work….And How To Dissolve Them.

Watch and listen to the replay here. It will be available until Friday.

To be honest, I’m not sure the class could thoroughly cover how to dissolve all the barriers. I mean, really.

But just being aware of what creates havoc….

….or as someone mentioned recently…..the mind’s “antics”….

….can change everything and bring much greater awareness.

I offered four exercises that help you dig into thoughts and get to the bottom of the stressful barriers and patterns we tend to fall into.

And I offered the four ingredients I’ve found that support any kind of personal, transformational work (connect, feel, bond, imagine)….

….but only you ultimately get to discover what your barriers are and how you might dissolve them, in your own time, in your own way.

Self-inquiry is an unplanned program of wondering about your life, your own experience, your own brilliant, crazy, wildly-fast thoughts, your beliefs, your perceptions.

Some call it questioning your suffering, and the meaning of being human and living this life….wondering why it sometimes hurts, and exploring how to navigate it all.

Funny, with self-inquiry, there are no formulas, no step-by-step plans, no guarantees, no results, no certainties, no promises, no answers (but your own), no golden tickets, and nowhere to go.

What an odd business to be in.

We’re asking over and over again…..”is it true?”

And yet, here I am, here we are.

Coming back to the slight sudden in-breath that happens when we answer the question about whether or not something is absolutely true about this terrible situation we’re contemplating….

….wow….what I’m thinking and believing might not be true!!?!

There’s nothing like discovering what you thought was true (that’s scary or sad)…..isn’t.

There’s nothing like discovering you may have barriers to freedom, in your opinion….but there are four questions you can answer, to check on reality to see if it’s really as unfriendly as you imagine.

“When you realize that suffering and discomfort are the call to inquiry, you may actually begin to look forward to uncomfortable feelings. You may even experience them as friends coming to show you what you have not yet investigated thoroughly enough. It’s no longer necessary to wait for people or situations to change in order to experience peace and harmony. The Work is the direct way to orchestrate your own happiness.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Year of Inquiry begins with our Orientation in two weeks, and our first telecall in three weeks, the first retreat in eight weeks (if you’re coming to the optional retreats).

If you’ve tried everything to stop thinking stressful thoughts, and to feel better, but it hasn’t exactly worked….and you know deep within that you are your own teacher (along with reality)….then you’re probably already thinking about joining.

Early bird ends Friday night, which helps with cost, but people will still join afterwards and still get a great deal for the support of doing The Work month in and month out for a year.

Read all about it here. I’d love to have you share in this amazing adventure with me.

Who’s coming?

Much love,

Grace

July 4, 2016

Tasting the freedom of NO liking, wanting, hoping for Something Else

Not long ago I was working with an inquirer who heard about a friend’s new job, and felt jealous.

A month before, I worked with an inquirer who was jealous of her husband’s career success (they were in the same line of work).

Sometimes, people feel jealous around love relationships….my partner, or my love-interest, is drawn or attracted to someone else (not me) and I feel threatened.

it feels so true that this other person has it made and we haven’t made it. They’re set. They’re safe. They’re loved. They’ve arrived.

People even feel this way about other people who have “awakened” or “woken up” spiritually.

They’ve gotten “there”.

Not me.

I’m left out here in the dust without security, stability, love, peace, intimacy, popularity or success.

Wow. It’s a rough place to be.

The first thing I always notice about this kind of comparison, is that whomever we’re looking at, who has “more” of something desirable….

….we feel absolutely positive they’re having a better time than we are. They are happier, more fulfilled, doing it right, proud, satisfied, peaceful, relaxed.

Those people with all that money, fame, beauty, even those “spiritually enlightened” people are enjoying themselves.

Not me.

So I better keep trying to get over there. I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ll spend money, I’ll travel, I’ll go on trainings or retreats, I’ll fix myself, I’ll plan. I won’t truly rest until I get what I want.

What I want is not right here. I have to go get it.

But who would you be without thinking that happiness is achieved by getting “x” or doing “y”? Who would you be without comparing in any way?

Who would you be without believing other people are happier than you if they have “more” of something? Who would you be without the story that achieving “x” means you’re now at peace forevermore, or at least closer to it than if you didn’t achieve “x”?

Huh.

It’s weird.

Who WOULD I be?

No idea.

You mean….I can stop trying?

But. What if I lay down in the street and just let cars run over me? What if, when I stop, I die? What if I dissolve into a puddle and stop caring? Won’t that be depressing? Or sad? What if I never make a bunch of money, then, or find the perfect partner, or do that thing?

Nooooooooooooooooo!

Except.

If I don’t need that other thing in order to be happy, like I really don’t need the same job as my friend just got, what would that be like?

What if I didn’t need something called “awakening” or “to become enlightened” right NOW in order to be happy?

What would it be like to let go of all of it? No more expectations. No more plans, hopes, wishes.

No more waiting.

No. Waiting.

Ha ha.

Wheeeee!!

“That’s how powerful LIKE and DISLIKE are. They steal your entire life. They own you. They possess you. They destroy your life and they keep you from God. But if you watch this process of “like” and “dislike”….and you stop participating in this process anymore, it’s like the ants step off the treadmill. ‘I don’t care who’s ahead. I’m done with the entire process of liking and disliking’. You no longer have to stay there to monitor or participate. When you no longer play in that process, your state of being is released. At that point you are a gift to all of humanity.” ~ Michael Singer in a talk on Preferences

Much love,

Grace

July 4, 2016

I HAVE TO to get ready….is it true?

You "have to" do stuff to get ready.... are you absolutely sure it's true you can't relax in this moment? — You “have to” do stuff to get ready….are you absolutely sure it’s true you can’t relax in this moment?

It’s one of those quiet, gray, warm early mornings in the Pacific Northwest where I live.

I love how no one else is awake in the house.

I hear the hum of the refrigerator, and the high strange chirping call of an eagle way up high in a tree in the neighbor’s back yard.

This is so peaceful.

And later on, twelve people + are coming over for what is called a barbecue. It’s my son’s birthday, he’s turning 22.

I wish it was going to stay quiet like this, right now, all day long. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t be doing anything except reading, writing, continuing to clean out the shed (which spontaneously started happening yesterday, my car now packed with items to go to Goodwill).

Having people over means….you have to tidy up, clean, plan, shop, buy, cook, prepare, welcome, greet, talk, share, clean, wash. We say we’re “entertaining” guests. The goal is people are delighted, entertained, enjoying themselves.

[Daughter just entered the room, going to the bathroom and getting a glass of water before returning to bed for a few more hours, we said a few words, I had to stop writing for a minute.]

OK, back to silence….where was I?

Oh yeah, thinking about entertaining people. And being interrupted. And not feeling spontaneous, or free to do whatever I want.

I “have to” do, respond, answer a question, talk, entertain, deal with others, clean, prepare….is it true?

Not really.

I sit here. The world happens around me, full of life. I appear to be full of life as well. Heart beating. Fingers typing. Clock ticking. Thought happening. People moving here and there, into this house, out of this house.

It’s really not that big of a deal.

But what happens with that part of me believing I “have to” do stuff because people are coming over later, or I “have to” do stuff because a group is gathering together to watch Byron Katie live for four days starting Saturday, or I “have to” go buy a cake, or I “have to” enjoy a nice workout before other “have-to’s” kick in.

Ugh. How I react is I want to escape. I start thinking things like “by tomorrow, it will all be over”. Or “thank God this is a small gathering” or “do we have everything?” and running through the check list repeatedly.

When I believe I “have to” (see list) I feel trapped. So much to DO. I feel a sense of urgency. Quick Quick Quick!

With this belief, I begin to dream of quitting everything, and sitting in a cave somewhere, and no longer having email.

Strangely, and you may think this is kinda weird, but I even begin to think of the sweet mysterious unencumbered wild unknown of death, of moving on out of this body into another world, where no “have to’s” exist.

I love how far the mind goes with things. It has the idea that the only way to uninterrupted, unencumbered silence and liberation, is to no longer be alive in this world having to DEAL with what’s here.

LOL.

So who would I be without the story that I have to do anything? That in nine hours people will be coming to celebrate? That “I” have to do stuff? That in five days I must be entirely prepared for the group arriving to watch Katie together (there’s another list for THAT event)?

Wow.

Suddenly, imagining what it would be like without a future. None.

Watching a spider scurry across the wooden floor. Noticing the peace of this moment. Closing my eyes for a long pause between writing these words, drinking in wind chimes gently singing from the front porch, and silence.

[Door opens, husband comes out of room in bathrobe stretching and yawning, sits next to me for a moment on the couch. Without the thought I am being interrupted, or this shouldn’t be happening, I’m relaxed, I’m open].

Without any thoughts of the future or any “have to”, nine hours from now or five days from now, I notice the outdoors beckoning, and the joy of this inquiry, and the curiosity of opening to whatever will happen.

Something lets go, feels spacious.

We start again. This moment. At zero. No expectations, no knowing what will happen next.

“You have given your mind an impossible task by asking it to manipulate the world in order to fix your personal inner problems. If you want to achieve a healthy state of being, stop asking your mind to do this. Just relieve your mind of the job of making sure that everyone and everything will be the way you need them to be so that you can feel better inside. Your mind is not qualified for that job. Fire it, and let go of your inner problems instead. You can have a different relationship with your mind. Whenever it starts up telling you what you should or shouldn’t do in order to get the world to match your preconceived concepts, don’t listen.” ~ Michael Singer

Without the belief in “I have to do stuff, to be ready for…” I feel a looseness opening, something un-gripping itself. Even laughter.

Absolutely nothing required for an event to be a “good” one. Noticing nothing is happening right now, in this moment.

What are you “doing” today?

I hope you find some relaxing sweetness inside, while you “do” it, before you “do” it, after you “do” it.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. there is still space if you’d like to come watch Byron Katie with others. You don’t have to come to all 4 days–you can log in on your own (no extra charge) for at least 2 or 3 days on your own until August 31st and watch segments you want to repeat. This log-in time is included in the $165 for sharing this event. To join us, sign up here.

June 26, 2016

Do you ever want a Do-Over, for a day, a week….a decade?

Feeling peaceful....no need for any do-overs, appreciating the way it went the first time (reality) — Feeling peaceful….no need for any do-overs, appreciating the way it went the first time (reality)

On Saturday night, the last night together at the annual Breitenbush retreat, we dance.

People have been deeply examining their thinking since Wednesday….

….walking through the memories, experiences, or relationships with others they’ve found hopeless, depressing, frightening or sad.

It’s courageous work.

I’m sometimes amazed, literally astonished, that people show up to investigate something painful they’d rather not look at. The death of a husband, the heroin addiction of a son, a painful divorce, needing to lay off people at the company, having insomnia for years, a mother’s death very early in life.

All these situations came to these woods at Breitenbush.

And The Work, the Four Questions plus Turnarounds, was all that was needed to open people to other alternatives and possibilities, to feeling love and self-compassion.

Not just love for the self, but love and acceptance for others. Even the ones who hurt us.

What many beliefs boil down to, suggests Byron Katie in Loving What is, is the deep conviction that I shouldn’t have had to experience something, and it shouldn’t have happened.

“I want an alternative life, where I don’t have to experience THAT (insert rough experience)”.

You might think….

….BUT….

….I really DO think my life would be better, and I’d be a better person, if I didn’t have to go through “x”. That experience made things worse than they could have been. It was a waste of time!

I’d be further along by now, if it hadn’t have happened. More confident. More of service. Calmer.

I wouldn’t have had to spend all those years in therapy. I could have just lived a more “normal” life. I might have a better condition NOW, if I hadn’t experienced that other thing THEN.

I want a do-over!!

(Remember yelling this when you were a kid playing a card game, or trying to shoot baskets, or trying to hit the bullseye, or making a batch of cookies and forgetting the baking soda?)

But can you absolutely know this is true, you want a do-over of some part of your life?

For me, I’ve thought often that much of my life from age 18 through 30 I could do without.

Visions come to mind of dropping out of college because I was too sick with addiction, bulimia, borderline anorexia, compulsive over-exercising, too anxiety-riddled, smoking cigarettes, occasionally over-drinking, isolated, and disassociated. Mind full of violent thoughts like “you’re such an idiot” or “what a fool you are” or “there’s something wrong with you” that covered up the ability to look more closely at my beliefs about what I feared. I lost my dad in that time period, too.

Is it true I want a do-over of that decade beginning with going to college?

Whew. It sure does seem like it would be better if I hadn’t dropped out of an awesome school, returned home to my parents, spent thousands of their dollars on therapy, struggled becoming a grown up, or lived with a tortured mind.

Can I absolutely know it’s true though?

No.

As one woman at the Breitenbush retreat discovered, unexpectedly, about her difficult past with her father….

….without her experience with her dad, she might still be living in the suburbs where she grew up, living an uncreative, boring, unimaginative, dissatisfying life. Instead, she moved across the entire country, married someone with opposite traits to dad, and raised two amazing kids.

I felt the same for my experience, and I felt the urge once again, to give a little bow to reality.

Without those ten years in my life that shaped my future in a completely different way than planned….

….I wouldn’t be at this retreat at Breitenbush, facilitating.

It was like my life, back then, showed the need to push the PAUSE button on my future direction.

More like CONTROL-ALT-DELETE, come to think of it.

That other imaginary version of the story, the one where I graduate from college with certainty and drive, and honors of course….and leave for Oxford as a Rhodes Scholar following in my dad’s footsteps…..plus write a screen play and land a leading role on stage somewhere….and invent something high-tech on the side that accidentally makes millions of dollars….

….THAT version of the story is, well, heh heh, fictional.

But that version would never have offered a collapse of the Know-It-All mind, that led to a sense of destruction, that led to a sense of devastation, that led to a sense of rebirth, that led to a sense of infinity and detachment, that led to a sense of peace beyond all stories and outcomes and plans and successes in this world, that led to a sense of unconditional love.

Nice.

Nevermind about the Do-Over.

Much love,

Grace

June 24, 2016

Emptying Misty Mind of Stressful Thoughts

inside the beautiful misty land of Oregon, the beautiful misty land of the inner world....& seeing clearly — inside the beautiful misty land of Oregon, the beautiful misty land of the inner world….& seeing clearly

Here I am deep in the tall woods, rain pitter-patting on leaves. The morning is very still. I’m at Breitenbush Hotsprings. A low bell in the distance sounds, signaling a half hour until breakfast is served in the lodge.

I hear my husband breathing deeply as he still sleeps.

The cabins here are incredibly cozy, heated by the mineral hotsprings with big pretty old-fashioned looking radiators. A small soft lamp sits on a little wooden desk, sending a quiet yellow light into the cabin. Once again I think of Laura Ingalls Wilder, only there’s plumbing.

My annual Breitenbush retreat began Wednesday night.

When a circle of people gather to learn and do The Work together, a part of me feels strangely unable to convey with words the freedom possible through questioning your suffering.

It’s hard to describe what it means to catch yourself thinking something painful, to believe you’re doomed, to feel terrified or nervous…..

….and to suddenly remember in the middle of the flow of reacting…..

…. is what I’m thinking actually true? Who would I be without this belief?

Before I knew how to inquire and investigate into the nature of “thinking”, my immediate interpretation of things that felt scary or hard, was that it was TRUE that they were scary or hard.

It went like this:

Something happened. It’s bad news. I ran. I fought. I cried. I felt hurt. I felt stress.

I then walked around a little shell-shocked or upset the thing might happen again. I consider life to be a bit dangerous (or very dangerous). I made plans to fix the bad thing, incident, or relationship (or myself, endlessly).

Now, there’s nothing really wrong with this. It’s normal.

It’s sort of brilliant we have these brains set up to be aware of danger, and move away from it. Kind of like the hot stove analogy we’ve always heard growing up “Don’t put your hand on a hot stove-you’ll get burned!”

Got it. No hands on stoves. Check.

But what if your mom or dad or caregiver shouted at you that you’d get burned….every time you walked past the stove?

What if they screamed “Watch out! Remember the stove?! You have NO IDEA if it’s ON or OFF, you could get burned!! BE CAREFUL!! OMG!!!”

You might have an extra big ALERT in yourself about stoves. You’d always feel a little nervous in kitchens.

It’s like the awareness of what works and what doesn’t (stoves burn) would have a sort of instant anxiety-producing result, rather than being filed in the mind as simple data, which the mind is so brilliant at doing.

If it even looks like a stove, you’d feel cautious. If you heard the word “stove” you might have a flash of adrenaline inside. You may decide not to cook.

What I love about The Work is, you get to take what’s already happened inside of YOU, your own basic day-to-day life experiences in the real world, and explore how a disturbance in the past (an event, a word, a conversation, an incident) might still be affecting you in a limiting way.

In a way you don’t feel free.

I wanted to feel free to come and go in life, and have stoves be in the room, without running away, or getting all defensive, or worrying about getting burned.

Now, I get to sit with all these dear people in our retreat and already witness them tasting this freedom.

I don’t really have to explain anything.

When they answer the four questions, and find turnarounds….

….the sweetness of them finding new ways to be with “problem” people, the awareness they are not victims but can feel empowered in any situation, the tears and the relief I see….

….it’s sooooo inspiring.

I love doing this work.

How did this happen, that I get to be a part of a retreat such as this?

So inspirational, so profound, so full of a sense of the greatness of humanity and the awe of how people can transform simply by seeing something or someone disturbing….differently?

Empty your mind of all thoughts. Let your heart be at peace. Watch the turmoil of beings, but contemplate their return. Each separate being in the universe returns to the common source. Returning to the source is serenity. ~ Tao Te Ching #16

Thank you so much for being here on this journey with me, whether we’ve met in person or connected on emails or shared through the phone or audio….I love that you’re here.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. One bedroom left at Being With Byron Katie and space for you on a sleeping mat on the floor or commuting each day (which is what I’ll be doing).

June 20, 2016

Do you think there’s something wrong with you?

I love when people write to me about problems they’re having, and ask me to write a Grace Note on it. I have a folder of these requests and notes and I rotate them all in, one by one.

A powerful problem, with big repetitive pain, is not sleeping well. Someone shared with me recently how far she’s come with the story of suffering from sleep disturbance.

She started doing The Work on sleep year before last during Year of Inquiry. Her general attitude got a whole lot lighter without the belief she SHOULD be sleeping more, longer, better, faster.

Without the simple belief that the way you sleep is bad….

….it can be a weird, but enormous relief.

What if the way I’m sleeping (shorter than I think is needed, too light, too erratic, too off hours, too interrupted) is just The Way It Is?

I can still seek assistance, consult sleep specialists, research….

….but I’m not wringing my hands with worry or rage about it. I’m simply following directions to study my condition, hear what others know.

When I was going through a divorce, and after my very first School for The Work with Byron Katie, my life was turned upside down and inside out.

Everything was going differently than I ever planned or imagined.

I was scared at a very deep level, and also cut loose at a very deep level (in a good way). There were 9 months or so of a very rough patch….in a deep I-Don’t-Know state of mind, everything exquisitely new, everything painfully new.

I slept four hours a night.

No matter what time I went to bed, I was awake by 3:00 am. The wee, silent, looming, haunting, magical, meditative hours in the dark night.

I did The Work on the belief that I should sleep, and soon learned to relax with Not Sleeping. I noticed I couldn’t say for sure if my lack of sleep was because of stress and anxiety, or excitement and liberation.

The inquirer who had done a lot of investigation on her difficulties with sleep wrote to me and asked about some other persistent thoughts, directed at herself, when it came to beliefs about not sleeping.

She had thoughts like “I need to change” or “I can’t live like this.”

She asked if these were also appropriate to do The Work on, even though she wasn’t sooooo against her lack of sleep anymore, after doing The Work.

A great question.

And here’s the thing about this question.

It show the places left where what you’re looking at still seems to be a problem. I see it. It’s bad. I see it. It’s wrong. There is something wrong with me.

People think this about a lot more than just sleep issues.

I have a series of difficult boyfriends. I do The Work on all of them. Then I get another one, and he also doesn’t work out. “There must be something wrong with me.”

I lose my job. I do The Work on not needing any more money, and noticing I survive without income. Yet I still want to feel stable and secure, and it makes sense to have a good career. I go to interviews, and still….nothing. I wonder if there’s something wrong with me?

I try to quit coffee. It’s my only “vice” (besides being addicted to certain stories, LOL). I do inquiry, study myself, write my thoughts, talk it out, delve into my motivations. And still, I just don’t mind drinking a cup of coffee every morning. There must be something wrong with me.

What I see over and over again, is the belief “there is something wrong with me” is a reactive thought to the situation feeling threatening.

At least for me, I only think “there must be something wrong here…I guess it’s with me” when I’m reacting to my underlying belief that there’s a terrible problem, and the way through it is to figure out what’s wrong…..and let’s start with me.

Here’s a weird thought.

What if what’s happening is not your fault?

What if you are the way you are for very important, brilliant, gentle reasons? What if today, you don’t even have to know what those reasons are, if you don’t?

What if life brings these conditions along and they are to be addressed, of course….not ignored….and we simply continue, explore, feel, wonder, investigate, and act.

I remember thinking once, during my long short-sleep period when I would feel dizzy sometimes, and exhausted, and unable to concentrate….

….if this continues for the rest of my life, I’m fine with it.

I might have gone to doctors, and sleep experts, yes….

….just like when I needed money I kept applying for jobs and going to interviews and talking with people I knew about money, work, careers….

….but I wanted to enjoy this day, if it was my last one, if there was no future, if I never “solved” this problem of lack of sleep, lack of money, lack of love, something missing, something wrong, something wrong with me.

“….It just comes to you what to do. You can find everything you need to know right where you are. And in reality, you already live that. When you need a pen, you reach over and you take it. If there’s not a pen there, you go get one. And that’s what it’s like in an emergency. Without fear, what to do is just as clear as reaching and picking up a pen. But fear isn’t so efficient. Fear is blind and deaf. ” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is pg. 280

Today, if you notice you have a problem like poor sleeping (or lack of money, or loneliness, or poor health) and you think it’s hurting you or your life, you can keep doing The Work, and you can also keep moving towards the solutions…..both.

As I ask for input and help, as I research and explore, as I question my stressful thoughts, things change.

A cup fell from my hand as I washed it this morning and reached to put it in the cupboard. It smashed on the floor.

What happened next, was I went to get the broom, and I picked up the chunks of broken mug and put them in the garbage, swept and vacuumed. It was one of my very favorite cups. But for such an event as this, there was almost-zero thought it was sad. I already know there are other cups to drink from, and cups I’ve had in the past that no longer exist.

That cup is no longer required, even though a part of me loved that cup and even in writing this, part of my mind is wondering for a sec where it came from so I can replace it. But I notice I don’t try to figure it out or go on the internet to find it.

I’m fine with it.

Here’s the craziest thing. The ultimate turnaround.

What if what is happening, is perfect, and should be happening? Can I find the advantages? Can I relax, even as this condition persists (apparently)? Can I hold still and allow things to support me in this moment, like the floor, or the couch, or the bed (which support me whether I “allow” it or not)?

This is not a despairing letting go, like a hopeless, why-bother, who-cares-anymore, something-wrong-with-me letting go. It feels like deep intimate staying. Connected to this present moment, to the air, to the sounds. Opening to new ideas, new possibilities, new answers.

What if this was not insurmountable, unbearable, impossible, ….being here right now?

“If you desire healing,
let yourself fall ill
let yourself fall ill.”

~ Rumi

Much love,

Grace