Sometimes the way, is in. Do nothing. Let your troubling thoughts be here. What is here, right now, if I stopped trying to change?
People have written to me lately, and individual clients I work with in person or on skype or facetime or phone, and people in Year of Inquiry, and messages on facebook….
….and they’ve said something I have also felt in my life.
For me, I’ve been working hard, but not efficiently. I love working, I love my life’s projects, but I found my mind began to be filled by “have to”. I have to do this, that, this, that. No stopping.
Burn out.
A fatigue, feeling discouraged. Maybe a sense of failure. Or a feeling of having lost.
Even devastated.
I’m not making it. Some people overeat with overwhelm. Or overspend. Over-plan. Then, unfortunately, even more failure.
It brings enormous suffering into the mind.
I remember not being able to get out of bed, with a physical sense of deep, deep low energy. I remember drinking strong coffee, trying to put something into the body to change the foggy and dreadful feeling of slow movement. I wanted to find an “up” feeling.
Being “up” is better. Right?
But what if you didn’t believe where you are right now, no matter how you feel and what you feel, is wrong….and must be changed?
What if there is nothing that could make you happy outside yourself, including an elevated mood, or a million bucks, or health, or love coming to you from another person?
Strange, I know.
Something here, in the empty, dark, tired space….
….thinks happiness must be somewhere else. Even if you’re too tired to try to find it anymore.
It isn’t here. Nope.
What if we remembered inquiry, in the middle of depression, or feeling like we’re making a mistake, or falling backwards, or failing in some way?
But if even that seems to hard, here’s what to do.
First, take a very deep breath and stop. Even if you’re lying in bed, just stop trying to figure it out.
Right now.
Then, you can wonder….what are my thoughts doing right now?
Oh, it’s churning out stories. Concepts.
Despairing ones. Sad ones. Angry ones.
Thoughts like “I am always like this” or “I’ve failed” or “I need x to be happy”.
But something else is here besides these thoughts, besides “thinking” running amok.
The mind might feel resistance, fighting, feeling oppositional to What Is.
Who would you be, though, without believing these thoughts?
Who would you be without the belief you’re doing it wrong? Without the thought you’ve lost? Without the thought you’re missing it? Without the thought you can’t find happiness?
Can you make a place in the room, in your surroundings, inside of you, for your thoughts….and also notice what else is here?
Can you let this be here, all of your thoughts and images and painful stories, and not fight against them and wish you were different and pray for your mind to stop talking?
Maybe let it run today, in this moment, like a river running through.
Then once you sit still awhile, wondering who you are without your troubled stories, you’ll notice who you are without a past, and without a future.
Who would you be, in that serious situation, without the belief you’re in danger? Could you be supported?
Today is the anniversary of my father’s death.
It was a very long time ago, and I’m so used to living without him being physically present in my life, there is no dreadful pain about his absence.
But it wasn’t always this way.
When he first got diagnosed with incurable, terminal cancer, a wave went driving through me of deep fear, anguish, and grief.
It was terrible, horrible news.
I was filled with dread.
In Year of Inquiry we’re really diving deep in our third month together into some great and profound questions, related to fear.
I remembered vividly, when I heard someone else’s work on the fear they had for their own child’s safety….
….the fear I felt when I learned my father was going to die.
Worrying about someone else is so stressful.
But here’s what I absolutely love about inquiry. It can open up your mind to seeing clearly, and seeing beyond the fear.
What is safety? Why do I feel so unsafe, in this situation? What am I expecting of myself, or of others, or of life….when I think it’s threatening?
And hey, wait a minute!
Where did I get this idea anyway, that something’s OFF and unsafe or dangerous?
Is it this situation, or Reality, that is off? Or my thinking?
We know intellectually that Byron Katie and other thought leaders and spiritual teachers are offering perspective on this whole “mind” and “thinking” thing, right?
Katie suggests our thinking is the cause of suffering, not the actual conditions of reality. She invites us to look, over and over, as a practice.
“Nothing terrible has ever happened, except in our thinking. Reality is always good, even in situations that seem like nightmares. The story we tell is the only nightmare that we have lived.” ~ Byron Katie
Holy Smokes….let’s test it out.
Let’s look at this very common and VERY troubling belief: I am not safe.
Notice you can only think you should be experiencing something different, this “safe” thing, if you believe you aren’t and it’s bad, bad, bad.
I am not safe (TERRIBLE)!
Is it true?
To really dig into this inquiry as you read, find a situation in which you felt unsafe. Emotionally, physically, spiritually–whatever your circumstance.
Is it true, you’re in danger?
Yes!
I remember the circumstances, many of them, when I felt unsafe.
The doctor is telling me the tumor on my leg is cancer. I’m in full-stop traffic miles away, with my 5 year old standing in the rain in the dark by himself, waiting. I’m reading an alarming text. I’m reading an email that says someone’s coming over NOW and they are desperate. I’m hearing a phone message where someone implies I’m a liar, and another phone message where someone says I’m not being a good friend.
I learn someone very close to me (like my dad) are very sick or going to die. I’m suddenly at the scene of a car accident right after it happened. I can’t reach the man I have a crush on, he’s not ever calling me back. I open the trunk of my car and see it’s empty–all my luggage has been stolen.
Not safe! Surely!
You are not safe.
Is it absolutely true for all time, beyond all doubt?
I pause, wondering about this moment, holding still.
Astonishingly, I notice I can’t know it’s absolutely true I am not safe. Even though I just injured myself, even though someone I love just received a diagnosis, even though my stuff is apparently gone (stolen) and I feel energy coursing through me. I can’t absolutely know I am not safe.
Wow.
How do you react when you believe “this is a threat, I am not safe, this is dangerous”?
I clench up tight. I stop breathing deeply. I want to quit everything, why bother trying in this dangerous world? I see pictures of how things will go (badly) and terrible scenes I imagine for the future, and sad memories from the past. I attack myself, or I attack the attackers in my mind.
I condemn nervousness or anxiety as bad and wrong, and I act tough. I avoid any place or any person who threatens me. THEY are the one making me feel this terrible feeling of danger, after all.
I treat myself like I’m meek and tiny, and unable to handle these feelings or this threat. I run.
So who would you be without this thought, this story of the lack of safety? What if you didn’t know this person, this situation, was dangerous?
Some people think, with this question….my God, I’d be crazy! I’d be walking right into something without fear, and not even know it.
Bingo.
And this isn’t about being passive, or being stupid and defying gravity or something.
You can still follow traffic rules, make lists of pros and cons for spending money, notice you drop everything and leave your house when you learn your kid has a broken wrist at school.
But you’re taking action without terror. You’ve moved, without personally believing it MUST go a certain way, or else.
You do the most efficient, kind, loving thing. That’s who you are, without panic. Someone who cares. Someone who moves to help, if you’re able.
I once remember Katie facilitating someone through their thought “I’m afraid of the cancer in my body!”
She asked the person; “Do you think the cancer is more likely to go away…if you hate it and fear it, or you don’t mind it’s there?”
Hmmm.
Without the belief that I’m threatened…..WOW. I’m wondering where this is going? I’m open. I’m stepping forward, even if it’s in the dark. I’m feeling about, I’m curious, even excited.
Even about the Big Fears, like death and loss and change.
Turning the thought around: I am not threatened in this situation, I am not in danger, I am safe.
Could this be just as true, or truer?
What part of you is OK?
I notice, I’m alive, I’m unhurt physically, I thought I was threatened but actually I only read words, or heard words. Bodies are temporary, and some last longer than others. Things are temporary, too.
Without the belief that I’m unsafe, as I hear troubling news from someone else, I might just sit, stay connected to the person, notice I have only kindness to offer and speaking isn’t necessary.
Turning it around even further: I am supported, all is well, everything is not only OK but brilliant, loving, wonderful.
I know that sounds a bit over the top, considering some of the human situations we find ourselves in. I’m not saying I’d be happy in some very grave, shocking news.
And yet….who knows what is possible?
I notice I would live, even if my child died. I notice I lived, even though my father did die. I notice I’m sitting in a very quiet room, with a heater humming hot air into the space, and a beautiful orange lamp shining, with a cup of peppermint tea and some apple slices sitting within reach. It is extremely safe.
It is as if, right now in this very moment, nothing terrible HAS ever happened, unless I remember or think about it.
It is true that I am only threatened if I THINK.
What I notice, too, is when I was in very apparently dangerous situations, I did not actually “think”.
Thinking happened afterwards. I took in what was happening, I moved, I ducked, I ran, I waited, I showed up, I left.
Who was I without my story?
Life in action. Human, being itself.
Human learning something different. Human discovering what it’s like to not believe it’s thoughts.
Human living with no requirements, conditions, demands (except in thought)….or true lack of safety, ever.
Human spinning through space on a small planet called earth, here for a few seconds by comparison to Reality.
Here, noticing what is sweet and lovely, and bitter and difficult, and noticing I’m not running this joint.
Thank God.
“The Master acts without doing anything and reaches without saying anything. Things arise and she lets them come; things disappear and she lets them go. She has but doesn’t possess, acts but doesn’t expect. When her work is done, she forgets it. That is why it lasts forever.” ~ Tao Te Ching #2 (Translated by Stephen Mitchell)
Much love,
Grace
P.S. If you notice anxiety, fear, nerves, emptiness, boredom, anger when it comes to eating, food and body….I’m offering a MasterClass on Wednesday, November 23rd 1:00-2:30 pm. Eating Peace: How To Question Your Thoughts That Drive Off-Balance Eating. Register here.
You know when you have those days where you thought you had time to do your list, but no?
Sometimes….argggghhhh.
So frustrating.
Yesterday, I had quite the list of tasks and appointments and writing time planned. These involved being out at the library, or driving in my car to visit the post office and office supply store. Only two clients scheduled on purpose, and the last week of every month has no Year of Inquiry calls….
….time to sit down and map out the full Eating Peace Process which will start in January, the upcoming Relationships retreat at Breitenbush in early December….
….and really make progress in writing and outlining some of the new updated curriculum.
But then, a doctor’s appointment turned into an hour of waiting before it even began.
And suddenly I was going to be late for a client whose number I didn’t write down in my calendar (never good).
Racing home, everything was bumped an hour late.
My mom left a message saying “call me today, I need to book flights for spring ASAP!”
My email Inbox was a mile long.
The home phone cable line stopped working. And the internet disconnected twice.
Then knock-knock on the door and new internet equipment has arrived after 3 months (or a year) of trying to figure out what would help.
Attention turned to putting the new modem and router together (which went surprisingly well) but I needed a special part for my computer, and to return an old part to the internet store so I stopped “renting” it month after month.
Five hours later….
No writing done on programs, probably the most important thing I could have been doing (in my opinion). No Grace Note written (which is one way I “do” The Work).
And the thought “this is too much effort. I quit.”
When I say this kind of thing, I mean the Whole Thing is too much effort. Like, even having this business I seem to do in the first place.
I quit.
What an interesting thought.
It’s like the mind comes up with this idea and it feels pretty good for a minute, right?
This relationship is over! Take this job and shove it! I’m outta here! Sell it all! I’ll never speak to him again! Give all the books away!
I QUIT!
Pictures of no longer paying for internet service, ever, and moving off the grid. (LOL).
What’s really kind of funny is how it’s not possible to actually “quit” most of the things you think you can quit.
But let’s look. Because it sure it enticing and sort of has a wild passionate fire-energy inducing feel to it.
Quitting what I do for a living is a good idea.
Is it true?
Maybe you can find something you think of quitting from time to time. Your primary relationship. Moving to a new house. Moving to a different country. Quitting your job.
It’s what you want to do, really….is it true?
No. It’s almost funny, for me, it’s so untrue. You may have noticed, though, depending on your situation, the feeling of wanting to “quit” something many times.
How do you react when you think this thought in earnest? What happens when you imagine you want to quit, you say in your head “I am so leaving this” or you feel the urge to walk away?
Sometimes, people with this thought begin to imagine what it will look like AFTER they quit, and get scared.
Yesterday when I was doing the zip-zip around of unexpected movement of the day, I had an old CD in my car audio player. It was Byron Katie doing The Work with a young woman who felt she couldn’t read certain books in her house because her husband would throw them out.
“He’s controlling me” said the woman.
I was fascinated with how and why someone would stay in a relationship situation like that….and I listened closely. I remembered hearing this work long ago, but I was so intrigued at the thoughts in my own head basically saying “Why doesn’t she quit?!!!”
Hmmmm. Maybe the mind loves coming up with this quitting solution, but it’s not necessarily the best one, or the easiest, or the most efficient.
Who would I be without the belief that quitting is the solution? That quitting is the way to not have to deal with something or someone anymore? That moving, leaving, shutting down is the best or primary answer to a difficult relationship or schedule?
Who would I be without the story of “I QUIT!”
Wow.
Even if there’s a furious little 2 year old having a fit in the background (the one who loves quitting)….
….I would notice it’s not possible to quit.
This way of thinking, the furious mind that loves to try to control situations, and make big grandiose statements, and jump to conclusions, and protect from further uncomfortable feelings….
….doesn’t quit.
Ha ha.
But it doesn’t mean I have to “do” what that Quitter Voice says.
I can look more closely at what I object to in the first place, that inspired the quitter to come forward.
Usually….fear, lack of freedom, sadness.
Turning the thoughts around: “I” don’t quit.
I notice the thoughts sometimes can yell about quitting, but the body does what it does and life moves as it does.
The relationship continues to be very important, even in my own head, whether the person is in the room or not. The activity continues to draw me, whether I know why I’m doing it or not. The movement of love continues to happen, whether I’m resisting it or not. Rest occurs whether I think I should be working harder, or not.
“It is possible to choose awareness instead of resistance. Switching attention from the resistance of ego-identity to the intelligence that animates us is a skill we can learn. And it takes practice.” ~ Cheri Huber
Resistance arises as a thought, and I follow it or believe it, or I don’t. I notice another turnaround is truer: thinking quits.
It’s here, then it isn’t. Poof! It’s gone.
Another turnaround: “it” quit me. The relationship, the job, the business, the location, the activity.
When it does. Not really me in control and dictator of this situation, I notice.
Again….laughter.
“Do you choose to actively or passively change your life? Good; you made the right choice. Why? With or without you, you seem to change, and with or without you, something always seems to happen. It isn’t necessary that you do it.” ~ Byron Katie
Notice, notice, notice. Awareness.
The power of noticing, becoming aware, seeing it from a greater perspective….far bigger than the little mind will ever know.
Scared to go inside this cave? It could be your only way to peace…..At least it was for me.
Several people who couldn’t attend the new Living Turnaround group that started yesterday wrote to me this past weekend and asked….
….I want to know how to investigate a situation so I can find out how to make the lasting changes I always want to make, but never seem to find!
Can you point me in the right direction with Living Turnarounds and how to do them or find them?
Where do I begin?
Some shared with me they feel like they have a ton of places they’d like things to be different. They wished THEY were different, most of all.
You might notice the same.
Where do you wish things were different? Relationship status, body, aging, money, house, career, service to others.
Sometimes, you may notice….there’s something imperfect and improvable about everything you consider!
But as I asked some of the amazing people who came yesterday in person to the group….
….first, you begin by making a short list, or scanning in your mind what you wish was different….
….whether you feel slightly uncomfortable, just a wee bit disappointed, or really upset.
You may notice, something rises to the top asking to be seen.
Yes, THAT situation with “x”. I really wish it were otherwise.
Now, instead of going straight to a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, consider the following question and journal about it and get ready to do Step #1 in understanding YOU.
Observing yourself, without so much dreadful internal screaming about what’s wrong with you.
Seriously. Don’t jump to how awful you are so fast.
It’s a diversion.
OK? Agreed?
Studying yourself and contemplating some important questions come out of work and research I’ve gathered for many years on desire, goals, and action-taking….how these happen in life, how they don’t.
Some of this work comes from extended research in the field of human motivation, behavior and transformation ever since I studied it in graduate school in the late 1990s.
This was before I ever heard of The Work….but the research and study of human behavior is oh so connected to questioning your stressful beliefs.
Because what do experts say, quite often?
Action is about what people are thinking, what’s in the mind, that drives their behavior.
To “live” a turnaround and experience deep or permanent change is about first, identifying the underlying beliefs that create fear, lack of ease, inaction, or action you don’t really want (like overeating, my old favorite personal example).
So, follow along with me here.
Let’s say you want to be in better shape physically, or as I used to want all the time, let’s say you want peace with food and eating.
Here’s the first question you want to keep in mind, before racing to The Work:
What do you do, how do you behave, what actions do you take….that crushes or destroys this state of peace you so desire?
As in, you ain’t gonna get that thing you want if you keep doing “x”.
For example, long ago when I suffered from binge-eating, I might have said “I don’t ever experience eating peace because…..twice a week I binge-eat from one end of the continent to the other without stopping to breathe for one second”.
Let’s say you’re having concerns with lack of money, and you feel like money’s always been a problem, or has been for a really long time. (Some of the members of the Living Turnaround group mentioned this…..OK, all of them).
What do you do, in that case, that keeps you from stability with money?
Make a list. Really answer the question thoroughly. Be specific. Sometimes, you even have to observe yourself for a week (or longer) and watch what you do and catch all the moments, because it’s easy to forget or be unaware.
Academics and researchers might calls this collecting the data.
You’re being like a scientist with yourself, watching, looking, taking notes. Don’t let shame or guilt come in and slam the door on this looking!! (I had that happen all the time around eating issues and was very secretive for fear of other peoples’ judgment).
So long ago, when I was getting help for this weird binge-eating behavior I seemed to live with….I studied what was going on during those binges. I wrote down what was happening. I wrote down what I had experienced earlier, before the urge to binge began. What was my state of hunger physically? Who did I encounter? What was I thinking?
Then…you can answer this next interesting question:
What’s the worst that could happen if you did the OPPOSITE of this behavior or activity? What would bother you about doing this? What’s the danger lurking for you, when you think about not doing this activity you’ve been doing–maybe for years?
So, in my example (lacking eating peace) I would wonder by writing in my journal about why, if I stopped binge-eating, I might find this threatening? What would disturb me about stopping this behavior?
I know.
If you had asked me without explaining that something important is going on that prevents normal behavior with food, or if you asked me what I would have been afraid of if I stopped binge-eating, I might not have been able to think of one single answer.
I might have even said….WHAT??! Are you crazy? It would be GREAT to no longer have cravings and then stuff myself, it’s what I always wanted….to STOP suffering from an eating disorder.
But just open your mind a little and give this a minute.
What if you are not ridiculous, and what if there isn’t anything wrong with you?
What if your mind is a genius at making sure you avoid, at all costs, what could really be emotionally, physically, or spiritually painful?
What if this idea of no longer having your actions (in my case “binge-eating”) available to you made you raw, exposed, nervous…..for any reason whatsoever?
What kind of young woman would be afraid of stopping binge-eating behavior?
As it turned out, there were several reasons why I would be afraid to stop binge-eating.
One was, because in between binges, I was always thinking I should be starving myself. I DID starve myself. I used lots of willpower to push really hard in athletics.
I was also terrified to speak of my true inner feelings (we don’t do that in this family) or to show I felt upset about anything.
So, feeling super upset, sad, afraid started having a wild condensed response to it….all piled and smashed up in a ball of unexpressed energy inside, and it exploded out with binge-eating (and purging, for me).
Now my behavior was very extreme.
This can be done with much more quiet and mild behaviors. You don’t have to be a crazed addicted-acting person to study yourself (some of us need things to be extreme or super obvious, apparently).
If you have a mild case of doing something you wish you wouldn’t….or NOT doing something you wish you would….
….really consider very, very deeply what you might be afraid of, if you stopped this uncomfortable behavior, or if you started doing the thing you wish you’d do.
What is it about the ACTION or NON-ACTION itself you want to learn from?
It’s your teacher.
Usually, the normal way to address human behavior that needs “correction” is to fix it ASAP. Get a diet, get an exercise plan, mark your calendar, force yourself to “do” it, ignore the fears.
As I said, several people in the Living Turnarounds group mentioned trouble with money.
Been there.
You can do this around money and your relationship to it. Notice if you feel you MUST have it, you need it to survive, you grab for it, you store it.
Or, maybe you stay really foggy with it. You have no idea how much is in your bank account, you write checks you’re not sure will clear, you borrow and owe. Some part of you doesn’t like seeing how much you actually have (hint: it’s dangerous).
What does this behavior mean about the world, about you, about people you’ve known or encountered?
Study your fears.
I really hated (at first) seeing what I was most afraid of in my late teens and early twenties.
They were thoughts like….I can’t make it on my own, but I should. People are critical (“people” being parents mostly). I have nothing to offer. I can’t do it perfectly (so why bother trying). People don’t really care about the honest me. You can’t say what you really think or feel (people get hurt). If thin, people will love respect me. If I’m not in great physical condition, people could criticize me. Food is the only pleasure I have. Food is easy to find everywhere, and comforting. I love eating forbidden foods, no one tells me what to do for once. When I’m eating, I don’t have to think about what I “should” be accomplishing, I don’t have to push myself, I can finally quit trying to be perfect every second of the day.
How could it be helping you to do that activity you notice you criticize yourself for doing? How could it be helping you to NOT do that activity you wish you’d do?
This is a huge topic, and there are ways to break it down slowly, carefully, one step at a time….
….but I say, run with it.
Wonder what you’re afraid of. Ask the powerful question Byron Katie asks “what’s the WORST that could happen?”
Keep a “thought journal”. (If you’ve been on retreat with me, especially at Breitenbush, I always hand out thought catchers to carry around with you–little notebooks to write down your stressful thoughts).
Who would you be without your story?
You’d be living your turnarounds.
“A man that flies from his fear may find that he has only taken a short cut to meet it.” ~ J.R.R. Tolkien
“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” ~ Joseph Campbell
And the best news of all?
The cave, the fear, will follow you until you enter it or take a look at it. You don’t even have to worry about avoiding it endlessly, or how you’re going to address it. It’s probably not up to you, anyway.
You need more time…to feel what? Skip the middleman (time) and see what happens.
More time, more time, I need more time, more time, more more time time time, more time….
…oh, I almost didn’t see you there.
I was busy collating handouts for the upcoming retreat, facilitating the Year of Inquiry session, buying gluten-free cinnamon cookies and sesame crackers, apples and raw nuts, collecting together pens and clipboards, bringing the cleaning service in for deep cleaning, vacuuming and dusting myself, working with clients, doing a load of laundry, meeting with my co-trainer for a November class for Institute for The Work, spending an hour on the new Eating Peace Process curriculum, and setting up chairs for an eating peace meetup.
All while hearing the voice within occasionally say…er, I mean shout…
…you NEED MORE TIME!
It seems true.
Right at the moment I realized I had a second meet-up scheduled in one week, this one on eating peace, I thought “why did I do that, right before the retreat??!!”
Before people arrived, I was thinking “boy, what I could do with two extra hours right now.”
The quest or demand for more time shows up in so many places:
Something needs to be found, completed, accomplished, done, over, satisfied, obtained, gained, finished.
That’s why I need more time.
Here’s a fabulous question, I first heard from Byron Katie, that really puts this whole “needing more time” thing in the front and center, with a big spotlight shining on it:
What would I have, if I had that thing “done” or “accomplished”?
What would I have, if I had more of this thing called “time”?
Or if everything, absolutely everything, was now handled, completed, tasks finished?
The answer my mind comes up with?
Freedom. Free do to ANYTHING I choose. Free to continue on to the next thing. Free to try something new. Free to Not Work. Free to experience MORE.
Hmmm.
Do I really need more time, in order to experience freedom? Is it true I need to experience MORE? More life, more days, more doing things I like, more pleasure, more happiness, more enlightenment, more awareness, more goodness, more love, more adventure?
Do I really need “more”?
Phew. Haha. Seems rather funny in this moment. And it’s a big inquiry. A very repeated overarching idea.
Let’s look.
I need “more” time than I have right now.
Is it true?
No.
How could I possibly know this to be true?
I’m not even sure why I want “more”! I notice there’s flow, there’s something happening, I call it time, I decide I need more of it, I’m trying to control my day, my pace, my process, my life, my happiness and believing it’s possible through MORE of something that apparently isn’t here in this moment.
Not exactly stress-free, to have this idea that MORE is needed, of anything….including time.
When I have the thought, I see pictures and images haunting me of what’s in store for the future. Unfinished tasks. Unaccomplished dreams. A life cut short.
I’m threatening myself with the need for “more” of this thing called time. I’m demanding, expecting, hoping for LOTS of it.
With the belief, I feel like I’m leaning forward, running forward, sometimes like there’s a headwind pushing against me. Like I have someone screaming in the future, way on the horizon, for me to go faster, more efficiently, quicker, and not give up!
Such a stressful project, idea, desire, vision.
Who would I be without this belief? Without this thought that I need more time, more, more, more time?
Standing here now, with limited days. No idea how many, but clearly they are limited.
Knowing there’s an end to this life as I know it, and it’s absolutely OK. It’s the way of it.
Without this belief rolling through the mind, could I open up to the idea that this moment is precious, sweet, enough. Nothing more required. No future day needed.
It doesn’t mean I stop doing anything. I notice I’m writing this. Fingers are tapping on a keyboard. I pause and gaze out the window to stare at morning dew on green grass for a moment.
I notice a clock here in the room, and awareness of my calendar for the day which is very full, and the next four days blocked off for retreat with people coming.
Without the thought I need more time, this moment feels like a joyful one. Enough.
We’ll all die at some point. I’ll be gone from this body, this life, this construct at some point.
Without the thought “I need more time” I notice such beauty of the room I’m in at this moment, faces of the people I love floating through my mind, visions of the people traveling today to come to retreat who I get to meet for the first time, a journey underway….
….but THIS moment now is full of silence and the refrigerator humming very softly.
Enough, enough, enough.
Shhhhhhh.
Hush, quiet, thrill, joy, peace.
Gratitude I have this moment. I could be gone in an hour, for all I know (and I love that I have no idea). Wondrous world, unfolding in yet another day I get to experience, another morning blossoming.
Without the thought, I notice the sweet evening last night that accomplished absolutely nothing for the retreat beginning tomorrow (apparently), but the joy of connecting with people who came to learn how to do The Work when it comes to compulsive behavior. I got to deeply listen, hear their words, hear their questions. I forgot all about how long the to-do list was. Nothing on that list required.
Turning the thought around: I do NOT need more time. I need less time. My thinking needs more time. I need more of myself, in this moment.
Ooooh, here I am giving time to my thinking, writing this Grace Note, questioning thoughts of “more”. Here I am feeling this moment, now, and opening up to the idea that it’s plenty, it’s enough, it’s genius.
I do not need more time to finish anything, write that book, find love, sort out that uncomfortable relationship, experience, get enlightened, live.
All those things are happening right now. Right now.
“Everything that seems permanent is in truth impermanent and will be smashed….Right now, in this very moment, you stand on sacred and holy ground, for that which will be lost has not yet been lost, and realizing this simple thing is the key to unspeakable joy….Everything is present.” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance
Even the imagined future I would get with more time is not somewhere in the future as a good-feeling moment.
Despite having this amount of time I have….
….or perhaps because I have limited time, lost time, no more time….
….I can slow down, even to a halt, and feel the gratitude of absolutely unknowing impermanence, the thank you for this day, now, and nothing more.
Life artist: creating a symphony of meaning out of suffering by questioning the forever-ness of troubled times
This past weekend I sent a Grace Note out that said a free inquiry jam session (people dialing in to do The Work) would be happening at 7:45 am. On Saturday morning.
Only, the free inquiry session had already happened, the day before, on Friday.
Because I got quite a few emails of confusion, people trying the link and finding “this event is OVER” (yep, already happened the day before) I decided to just do it again on Sunday morning.
Let’s do it a second time!
It was great.
Someone had a particularly important question at one of these inquiry sessions.
That is….can you start doing The Work with Question #6 on your Judge Your Neighbor worksheet?
Question #6 is the last one you answer, as you sort through your stressful situation, the situation bringing you deep pain.
You’ve already written down what you want, what should or shouldn’t be going on, what advice you’d give, what you need in order to be happy. You’ve described what you see in that situation, about the other person or condition.
And then, at the end, you get to make your big grand WISH and dream statement in Question #6.
You get to write down the thing you never, ever, ever want to experience again, if you had your way.
The inquirer who was thinking she’d start her inquiry on a situation described the dilemma. Her issue had to do with her mom, and money, all rolled up into one. Her answer to question number six was “I don’t ever want to want what I can never have.”
Now, there’s nothing wrong with seeing this thought arise. There’s nothing wrong with writing it. It’s a powerful, deep, grand thought.
It’s so liberating to be able to write a thought like this down, when writing your worksheet. I notice the mind thinks it anyway.
I’ve had this thought myself.
But what I suggested is if you start right there, at the end with the last Big Global Assumption, you might cover the whole world, and cover a lot of ground as you consider your inquiry, but it could very likely be too big, too much and too wide to really “get” a clear answer.
You can’t really dig into it, and the truth of reality right in the middle of that terrible and difficult situation.
So we went backwards, up to what she wrote in other parts of her Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, and we worked one of those, first.
I find, it really is easier to start at the top of any given worksheet, and move down through the questions, one by one.
So, why not go to the big kahuna thought right away?
I’ll give you an example from my own life.
Last week, I was far away from home, listening to a wonderful teacher, gathered with pretty amazing, thoughtful people. We were contemplating much about the history of culture, especially western culture, the people who fought and warred and battled, and the people who fled, and the people who immigrated, and the movement of beliefs from one to the next generation.
I had the thought…”wow, times have always been troubled. Humans have always suffered. People have always been at odds with one another, had to navigate conflict, fallen asleep, failed, given up, been tortured or sad or despairing…”
I raised my hand.
“Haven’t people always been troubled?”
What came back to me from our wise teacher was the most fascinating suggestion: basically, to question that thought. Even if the venue, the format and the tool or model was not The Work.
I realized right then….inside, under, around this believing in trouble, was a Big Kahuna Global thought I was assuming to be true without even questioning it: I don’t ever want to live through severely troubled times, ever.
If I had begun this investigation by questioning the belief “I don’t ever want to live in troubled times” I probably wouldn’t have challenged the belief that these troubled times have ALWAYS been here.
If I turned the thought around immediately, without considering what I’m honestly thinking of as troubled….I would find these turnarounds which are done a particular way for Question #6: “I always want to live in troubled times. I’m willing to always live in troubled times. I look forward to always living in troubled times.”
Always troubled, never un-troubled. Always rough waters. Always at war. Always, always.
Very painful. Quite harsh. Hard to feel hope, joy or peace in this moment right now, if everything is “always”.
So I loved being guided back within, by following the simple steps I already know, to the first thought instead….times have been troubled for humans….always….how did I get this idea?
What is my specific proof, as I hear stories of history, some of whom are my own ancestors? What does this mean about me? What does it mean about my future, or the future of my neighborhood, or this city, or the planet?
Troubled times are intolerable, relentless….and have always been here.
Is this true?
Hmmm.
Woah.
Are you saying?…
You mean, I could be wrong? It’s not always this way for eternity backwards in time, and it may not be this way for the rest of eternity into the future? It may not be inevitable that trouble means The End and something I must avoid or can’t handle?
Are you sure troubled times are “always”?
Well. No. I just thought….
….because of learning and reading and hearing stories of the past, and listening, and being with people and their words, and because of my feelings when hard things happen, that trouble is “always”.
I’ve got so many examples.
But I can’t know this means it will be forever, and it already was forever, or that I can’t tolerate it, or that it’s relentless. I really do not know.
How do you react when you believe “it’s always been this way (troubled)”?
Soooo sad. Trying to think positive. Quick do The Work so I can stop thinking of this despair. Trying to solve the problem, or, the reverse, giving up and hiding under the covers. Searching the globe for answers, for hope.
Reaching, seeking, worrying, hiding.
Who would I be without this story that it’s always been this way….Troubled, relentless, agonizing?
Who would you be without the belief you’ve always had trouble with “x” or been in conflict with “y”?
Wow.
Boing! (Like getting bonked on the head with a foam mallet in a cartoon and hearing the “boingggg!” sound).
Without the belief or the thought, I’d be noticing that troubles come and troubles go, and there are spaces in between of peace, or freedom.
I’d notice I’m inspired or motivated by troubles.
I’d see all sides and angles to the troubles….not all-devastation all-the-time.
I’d wonder what I can do, in the midst of “troubles”? I’d wonder what happened along the way, with curiosity and an open mind, that created persistent troubled times?
I wouldn’t be in denial, trying to seek a mystical untroubled place Somewhere Else. I’d be here, now, maybe even with a breaking heart and a full heart, but here.
I’d talk with others about these troubles, I’d contribute more, I’d connect honestly. I’d question my thinking, I’d turn my thinking around.
It has not always been this way. It is not always troubled, now.
My thinking is troubled, my viewpoint is troubled….about myself, about this world, about the human condition.
Could these thoughts be just as true, or truer?
Could it be possible to see clearly, notice suffering and devastation and difficulty, but not give up “forever”, not find it intolerable, not think there is No Solution possible?
Yes.
“Out of the cacophony of random suffering and chaos that can mark human life, the life artist sees or creates a symphony of meaning and order. A life of wholeness does not depend on what we experience. Wholeness depends on how we experience our lives.” ~ Desmond Tutu
It hasn’t always been this way in the past, therefore it won’t always be this way in the future.
Now that’s exciting. That’s being a life artist.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Come join the group this upcoming week, we’ll squeeze you in when you can attend, or start with us on October 23rd for the nine-month journey with others in Living Turnarounds. When we question trouble, always…we find love in action, now.
peace like a river: letting the four questions lead you… (like my Bonnechere River view in northern Ontario last week)
This morning 7:45 am Pacific Time, join from anywhere in the world for 75 minutes of The Work of Byron Katie. Use your phone or computer to connect. To join me, click here.
There’s nothing like doing The Work with other people, whether it’s one person, or a group, or an auditorium.
Long ago, when I went to the 9 day school for The Work (March 2005) I was a little startled at all the people milling about and entering the huge hotel conference room.
We were handed beautiful red roses, one for every person, a bag with a notebook and materials inside, a name tag that went around our necks, and ushered into a huge room filled with chairs.
Part of me also thought….oh good. There are so many people here, I won’t ever have to actually talk. I am definitely NOT taking the microphone.
I sat near the back.
Each day, I slowly moved forward in the seats until around Day 5 I sat in the very front row, in direct view of Byron Katie and the front stage and all that might occur in the front of the room.
Just this move was a big deal for me, I was so shy.
Many brave people asked questions, and I would think “I don’t have the guts to raise my hand and speak up….and I have no questions anyway.”
This didn’t last….I later raised my hand at another event, and shared, and read my worksheet out loud to the entire audience, and even did The Work on stage with Katie. But at that first school, I was super quiet.
I still learned a ton.
I learned so much, even without sharing, that my mind was literally blown open and I left a changed human being, from that point forward, never to go back to all my old ways of thinking. I also left grateful for every single person who spoke up, stood up, told the truth, asked questions, and did The Work with Katie out in the open, whether they were afraid, or not.
The power of other peoples’ work, and their sharing and raised hands, has made all the difference in my life. It kept me moving forward when my head was completely foggy and I had no idea where to go next with my own work.
Listening is deeply transformative.
And it sure is different than sitting in your own same-old thoughts you don’t seem to break away from or question when you’re on your own. I had such a hard time doing The Work in my own brain, and connecting with others sank it in deeper every time, without fail.
In just a few weeks, the Sunday monthly deep-divers group is beginning again, like last year. This is a three hour group, like a little mini retreat once a month, for people who want to dive deeply into the group and connect with others for support.
We’ll be focusing on living turnarounds. That is, making shifts and changes and wondering about what it really looks like to be without our stressful thoughts, one thought at a time. We’ll be taking what we find in The Work, and bringing it into action in our lives.
People can attend the Sunday Deep Divers group one at a time, or you can sign up for all 9 months all at once. This is a closed group, not a drop-in group, but it’s totally OK if you see you can’t attend them all (please let me know which ones you can).
Please see the exact dates of our groups and read about it here.
We had a brilliant time last year, such a sweet way to connect, get to know others, and stay in The Work….and on a Sunday afternoon, how cool is that? (Not a week day evening).
People come from fairly far to attend, and this group is limited to 14 participants. I’ll offer guidance for people to facilitate one another in between sessions (you can sign up for every time we meet) and you can be assigned a partner every month, or opt-out, based on what works in your schedule.
You can do The Work on what comes between you and a peaceful life. We’ll do some great exercises in inquiry, and learn and grow together. All materials and handouts are supplied.
If you register for the entire Deep Divers program, you get a significant discount, the equivalent of missing two sessions for no charge.
The commitment to every session is not required, you can check your calendar and see which groups you can’t make, and then pay per session ($65). However, if you are not available to register for the full program of 9 months, please let me know by hitting “reply” and I’ll put you on the list for those only able to attend on a part-time basis. I’ll be filling spots with people wanting the whole kit and kaboodle first.
The whole program is $450 for the year, through June 11, 2017.
Can’t wait to see you….our first group is Sunday, October 23rd 3-6 pm, and everyone is welcome, whether you’re a beginner or experienced and everything in between.
Check the dates here and I look forward to serving everyone who comes in this powerful process called questioning your painful thinking, and changing our lives.
“After my life changed in 1986, I spent a lot of time in the desert near my home, just listening to myself. Stories arose inside me that had been troubling mankind forever. Sooner or later, I witnessed every concept, it seemed, and I discovered that even though I was alone in the desert, the whole world was with me. And it sounded like this: ‘I want,’ ‘I need,’ ‘they should,’ ‘they shouldn’t,’ ‘I’m angry because,’ ‘I’m sad,’ ‘I’ll never,’ ‘I don’t want to.’ These phrases, which repeated themselves over and over in my mind, became the basis for the Judge Your Neighbor Worksheet…..You’ll put each written statement, one by one, up against the four questions and let each of them lead you to the truth.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Local Year of Inquiry members attend for no extra fee.
As always, a little shuffling goes on in September for the Year of Inquiry program that just began. One person joined last week, one decided to leave, one switched to Eating Peace two weeks ago.
I suddenly realized something, with some of the thoughts in my brain about shuffling, in and out, joining and departing: I’m feeling unhappy about the instability, the lack of guarantee, the comings and goings….namely the “goings” part.
Again. Oh jeez.
I know that may sound like….well, of course. This is something to be unhappy about if someone withdraws, leaves or goes.
But it also sounded to me like the echoes of a belief I’ve questioned before about people leaving in general, and I thought “oh brother, here we go again.”
I need to know who’s in and who’s out. I need to know when, how, and where.
Temporariness is hard to live with, it seems, to my human mind.
But is it? Is this actually true?
The most gigantic temporariness I ever realized was under the spell of something to be feared, worried about, horrified with….
….was Endings.
In the form of death especially.
A huge Nooooooo shouted up at the sky for the “ending” of something. Over. Finished. Done. Wail!
This doesn’t have to be about the Big One (death). It can be about a relationship break-up, a job ending, the family home being sold, divorce, the end of a vacation, or like I mentioned the whispering sadness of a lovely person dropping a course.
Goodbyes are hard.
Is that true?
How do you feel, speak, react when you believe goodbyes are difficult, or unbearable, or an emergency, or must be stopped?
I’ve worked with so many people on this topic.
Huge inner stress.
This past week, I’ve been in northern Ontario province of Canada with a brilliant group of learners all gathering to talk about and inquire into wisdom, death and dying, connection, temporariness, life and living.
One topic brought forth was the act of saying goodbye.
Here comes the voice, the thought…I can’t stand goodbyes. I don’t like parting ways. I don’t want this to end. This shouldn’t be this way. I need it to keep going, and never stop.
Is this actually true?
Because, I notice, reality has goodbye and hello and goodbye and hello over and over again. Constantly.
Which means even if someone has not left, they might. So even worrying about something departing later, in the future, becomes frightening, and how I react….when I continue to believe that departures are bad.
I clutch. I grab.
I often looked at money this way. It needs to stay, and grow, and never say goodbye.
Is it even true that you need to keep the thing you’re worried about diminishing later?
You don’t have enough love (when this person leaves your life). Is that true?
You don’t have enough money, energy, support. True?
You don’t have enough clients, work, people in your retreat.
Is this actually true?
No. I find over and over again…..no, not true.
Perhaps very drilled into our bones, though. Such a common stress. I’ve experienced it time and again. I’ll look at so many little things like it isn’t enough, compared to “that” over there. I need to keep this, I need more, I need to take, I need to be connected, I need to have.
And I notice, when I think my empty nest house right now is not as good as the full house with a “complete” family in it, I suffer.
But can you really be sure goodbyes are sad, or bad, or to be avoided? Are you positive you don’t have enough people around, or love, or support? (Even if you’re sitting in a room by yourself)?
No.
How do you react when you believe “Goodbyes are bad!” (In my case, I’m thinking about people withdrawing from something I’m offering).
Woah is me. Pity party. I quit. Cancel everything. I can’t do it right. Why continue to bother.
Now….who would you be without this story?
Without any thought at all that what’s happening isn’t enough right now, that it’s off, that more would be better, or it was better before these changes? Without the belief that goodbyes are hard, or intolerable, or to be avoided?
I would be so much more clear. More present, more aware, more alive. More feeling full of the heart-break of departure and the joy of reunion, but somehow trusting it all and knowing it’s not up to me, and I can make a clean “goodbye”, or hear one, without regret. With trust.
I might even be laughing, without the thought that goodbyes are bad.
Without the belief in Bad Goodbye’s Good Hello’s I would notice the tide going in and out, and the emptiness of any moment, also full, in this world of both/two/duality/multitudes.
Maybe even laughing and then crying, almost at the same time, and allowing even this to be as it is.
Without the belief that goodbyes are ultimately bad, I’m aware of the equal and opposite advantages for any given moment, I become excited. Turnarounds are so thrilling and wild to try on!
This goodbye is not hard. I like this goodbye. I like this hello into something new that doesn’t involve the same format as before. This is NOT goodbye.
I love parting ways….with my old outdated thinking and stories. I want this to end. This should be this way. I need this to happen, just the way it is.
With the story of Not Enough-ness or “OH NO!”….
….I’m taking in information about what is, and maybe I make adjustments and changes not only to this moment as I inquire, but also to my program(s). Something new is created. I feel the “hello” along with the “goodbye”.
Without this story of being against What Is, I learn to move with the flow, and the sheer joy of this life not being mine.
This is not “mine”. Departures or communions, both not guaranteed to go as I think they should. Both not “mine”. Both definitely happening. Both in the hands of something that knows more than I do.
“Your hand opens and closes, opens and closes. If it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralyzed. Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding, the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as birds’ wings. God turns you from one feeling to another and teaches by means of opposites so that you will have two wings to fly, not one.” ~ Rumi
Much love, Grace
P.S. Fall Retreat is sold out full, but there is a spot in Year of Inquiry. We have only just begun Month 2 out of 12. Write to me if you’re seriously interested. If you join YOI then we can squeeze you in to Fall Retreat, or you can join YOI for telesessions-only if you’re not able to attend retreats.
Are your thoughts about yourself creating a brick wall of suffering? Who would you be without your negative thoughts….about you?
This past weekend I had the privilege of being with a small group led by someone who has had first hand practice in The Work of Byron Katie for thirty years: Katie’s daughter, Roxann.
My favorite thing about her story and her insights was describing how she used to do The Work with her mom, and Katie would say “you can’t harm a human being and not feel the effects….and YOU are a human being.”
In other words, when we tell ourselves awful, nasty, vicious things, when we’re harsh with ourselves, when we do things we find dishonorable or out of our own integrity (even with no one else around)….
….we feel bad.
And it’s amazing how powerful the Self-Attack Voice can be.
I once heard Annie Lamott, the beautiful writer, call it radio station KFCK.
Something happens, you’re triggered, you turn on the radio, you find the channel, you tune in, and here comes a constant stream of “I hate you” language, followed immediately by “you suck” feelings.
Yikes. It really hurts.
And of course, what I always used to do with this voice constantly talking in the background (sometimes screaming), was to do everything possible to make up for my wrong-doing, to improve myself, to fix me, to become a better person, to eliminate the negative (and when this didn’t work….eat, or whatever escape mechanism of choice was available).
It’s a lot of work.
Instead, what if we invited that voice to come in for tea, and we questioned it instead, or had a more civilized conversation?
I know, I know….we’re inviting in a crazy screaming person, but what if they’ve been screaming because they’re trying to help, and we’ve been ignoring them?
This morning, I noticed when I woke up…..wait, what’s that sound?
I hear something in the other room. Do you hear it? Oh my….yup. It’s that radio station I just mentioned!
It’s saying: “You should have finished the outline yesterday, you’ll never get your project done. You have one day to finish laundry, have you packed yet for your trip tomorrow? No, I thought as much. Leaving things until last minute again. You didn’t read the whole book, either, the only homework required for the program. You try to do too much. You don’t do enough. You haven’t meditated recently. Why’d you buy organic jelly beans at the grocery store?”
So today, let’s slow down and be with this voice, directed to ourselves.
I like asking these questions, when it comes to this voice: What is this voice most afraid of? What’s it trying to ultimately accomplish? What’s it worried about? Why does it think you should follow it’s directions? What’s the worst that could happen, if you don’t?
I sit and consider the answer.
You can do this right now, if you want.
Pause.
What’s that voice really scared about?
I’m failing. I’m not good enough. I can’t ever do it right. I’m not worthy. I made a mistake. I am abandoned. It’s possible to be banished. I could die.
I notice this feeling is like a gut wrench right in the middle of my stomach. My chest feels like dust is stuck inside my lungs. My body feels tired. I feel nauseated. I feel like giving up.
I feel very, very sad.
And what if now, we asked some simple, yet deep, questions about this kind of voice, energy, judgment, conditioning?
Called The Work.
First question: Is it true that you are personally not good enough, unworthy, or need to be somewhere else? Are you sure you can’t feel love and joy for yourself, that you made a mistake?
No.
If you answer “yes” then be sure to ask the second question: Can you absolutely know this is true without a doubt, for all time?
No.
Even if you say “yes” keep going.
Next question: How do you react, what happens, when you believe you should have done it differently, you’ve got something “wrong” here, you’re unworthy of acceptance and kindness in this moment?
How do you react when the way you are….scares you?
I notice I feel small, tight, closed. I feel like a victim. I actually behave like a victim of my own KFCK radio station as it plays on.
A few weeks ago, someone in the brand new Year of Inquiry group wrote to me and said how overwhelmed she felt about beginning this work as a constant practice, because as she wrote her worksheets on other people, and turned everything around, it all came back to herself. She’s doing it wrong. She’s got the qualities of “badness” she’s seeing in others. She’s screwed up.
But as Byron Katie says “turnarounds should feel like a kiss, not a slap!”
These attack-thoughts, or outward-movement thoughts, are only there and alive because they’ve been passed along and it’s the way you learned.
A “Fear Based Religion” as Roxann said this weekend.
I’m believing in fear, I’m believing fear will “make” me snap out of it, pull it together, and shape up! I’m believing that fear will make me change, or wake up. I’m 100% positive I’m asleep.
I’m forgetting the power of love, acceptance, and open hands, not tight fists. For some weird reason, it seems easy to forget “love” as the power. We’re not familiar with this way. We didn’t learn it. We’re not sure we can trust it.
And yet.
Who would you be without your story you’ve done something wrong? Who would you be without the story you need to fix yourself, or wake up, or be any different, or shape up, or prevent terrible things from happening?
Who would you be right now in this moment, as you read these words and consider “being” without believing anything’s wrong with you whatsoever?
Again, it may be time to pause.
Feeling what it’s like to be without the thoughts that something’s missing, something’s wrong, something’s bad, something’s off…..about you.
Without believing your thoughts of self-condemnation….
….you may just have a good cry.
Turning these thoughts around: I’m succeeding. I’m good enough. I constantly doing it right. I’m worthy. There is no mistake. I am connected, I am love. It’s not possible to be banished. I am living.
All is well. I am safe. No mistake. No mistake. No mistake.
Turning it around: My thinking is failing, not good enough, constantly believing in wrongness, unworthy, making mistakes, believing in banishment, believing death is terrible and to be avoided.
And what if this is good news, that my THINKING can’t find answers, or fix everything, or correct all potential emergencies or problems, or make everything better?
That’s a lot to put on the energy of “thought”….right?
What if something else is here, besides all the frantic, chaotic, mean thinking? Simply being.
Simply being.
Who are we, without the story that we have to believe our thoughts?
I noticed, as I inquired this morning….silence.
Wild Geese by Mary Oliver
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
Have you ever known someone close to you to become ill, get injured, or find out something devastating?
Yes, everyone’s had this kind of moment in life.
“Dad’s got cancer.”
I remember hearing these words from my mom.
A panic began to rise inside, instantly.
What does this mean? Wait…what? What kind? What happened? Why? What’s going to happen?
The mind is filled with pictures, imagination, possibilities, trying to grab information desperately.
A huge NO fills the body. No, I can’t take this. No, this can’t be happening. No.
When the “worst” thing happens, it’s shocking.
When my dad was receiving treatment for leukemia, which lasted about two years, he was sometimes very sick, sometimes better. He lived just about exactly the length of time they anticipated. The doctors knew so much about the disease, and trying all kinds of ways to make it go away. To fight it.
That was a long, long time ago in my life experience. I was in my twenties, living pretty close by to the big house I grew up in.
I didn’t have inquiry, but my mind had so many questions. Constant questions. Disturbed questions. Questions I had no answer for, couldn’t answer.
Many years later, when I discovered self-inquiry and The Work by reading Loving What Is, I thought….
….well, it’s good for feeling angry and upset with your neighbor (judge your neighbor, right?)….
….but I didn’t even imagine using The Work for situations of life and death.
But then, I was in a weekend workshop with Byron Katie, never having successfully “done” The Work after reading her book, and I recognized one of my greatest, deepest, terrifying, sad, frustrations in life was…..death.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized I had a very weird and troubled relationship with loss, change, things being temporary, endings.
The biggest ending of all being “death”. The biggest “neighbor” I wanted to judge was loss, death.
I had something, and now it’s gone. I have something, and I will lose it.
My health, my boyfriend, my wife, my kid, love, my life, my daughter, my house, my necklace, my guitar, my friend, my dad.
It was mine. I had it.
Now it’s lost. It’s gone. Or will be.
Forever.
This is hard for some people to think about. Well, I speak for myself.
It’s hard to look at these places that have been so painful. But oh so powerful for The Work.
Stay with me here, and let’s do it today.
As you see those things, places, times or people you lost….
Is it true you lost them?
Yes. All gone.
Are you absolutely sure? Do you know this in the most deep, absolute way?
Are you positive the energy, love, kindness is lost? Are you sure it’s gone, just because you can’t see it or touch it? Are you sure everything about it is completely 100% gone?
Do you need it to be present physically, in order to be happy?
Wow. No. Not really.
I should still have that person, that thing, that other situation.
Is this true?
Who would I be without these thoughts?
Who would I be without BELIEVING these thoughts?
I notice no thoughts hang around 24/7 without one single other thought coming in for a visit. There are seconds, moments, of other thoughts.
The day my father died, I am quite sure I drank water. I went to the bathroom.
Probably several times. I was capable of having that thought to get up and go. It appeared. I went. People brought food. I ate a little. I breathed. I spoke to my sisters and my mom. I stayed. I was there, holding my dad’s hand as he died.
Who would you be without the belief you lost her? You lost him? You lost it?
I’m not saying something profound didn’t happen. But I love how I like to write about my dad’s death, as I feel the tears sometimes still arise, “it was unbelievable.”
That’s what we say about profound moments, eyes-wide-open moments, present moments, astonishing moments.
Unbelievable.
Turning the thought around: I did not lose my father. I will never lose him.
I lost myself. I lost awareness.
I believed I couldn’t survive loss. I believed there was nothing here, remaining, with myself. I believed I had something, it was mine, and now it’s gone.
Who would you be without your story of losing?
“It’s your body–can you absolutely know that that’s true? That’s a very old concept. ‘This is mine. I say so’….It’s not yours. Just because you believe it doesn’t make it true. When you know that you’re not that, you can sit back and watch.” ~ Byron Katie in Who Would You Be Without Your Story
Could this be also the case for my father? My house? My childhood? My earrings?
Not mine in the first place.
And not required for living, or loving, or happiness, I notice.
Today, can I find evidence for how I gained, how I received, how I lived….instead of the opposite customary sadness?
It doesn’t mean “trying” to be positive and fakey or plastic or thrilled about death or loss.
But I have discovered, with The Work, it’s miraculous to wonder who I would be without my stories of death and loss, and to find examples of joy, acceptance, receiving, kindness, even benefits for what has happened….
….and maybe even though I apparently lost….I also found.
You know when you have those days where you thought you had time to do your list, but no?
