Silly mind….you’re not as good at playing the trumpet as you think!
What a goof ball the mind can be.
Remember yesterday, sooooo many hours ago, and how I did The Work on how totally boring life can be sometimes?
Ha ha. Not really true.
But you would think, in the midst of inquiry about quiet, repetitive, empty moments of time and the nature of boredom, it would be easy to remember that in less than two days, I’d be walking the streets of New York.
Mid-stride, with a huge smile on my face, drinking in the dark, windy streets full of noises, people, lights coming from small passageways into warm cozy hole-in-the-wall restaurants, art galleries, and shops….
….I suddenly thought to myself, “Jeez, look at this amazing life. I get on an airplane, I sit down for five hours, I run into a friend on the same airplane from Seattle, we travel into New York City on the train together, and the entire journey is spectacular, new, fun, joyful, restful (I slept for part of the plane ride) and my eyes can’t stop taking in this delicious world.”
If you’re bored, just wait awhile.
If you’re sad, just wait awhile.
If you’re angry, just wait awhile.
Here comes another day, another hour, another new moment.
This one.
The complaining mind is so funny, isn’t it?
It’s like a little wind up puppet with a trumpet, and it loves to play that trumpet really loud sometimes!!
We start listening to the horn blow, completely forgetting it’s not that harmonious, and not very good technique, and kind of random.
In fact, it’s terrible.
What if we just looked at our inner complainer like a kind of “off” guy in the alley delightedly playing a trumpet?
Maybe someone with a few cards short of a full deck, if you know what I mean.
Kind of a dim bulb. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Someone with only one oar in the water, if you catch my drift.
As in…..did you remember, the other day when you thought life was boring….but actually you were soon to depart for New York City?
Oh. That was me.
Now. I know this is pretty incredible to be able to take a trip and travel and have the world show up as so very very entertaining.
But I am talking about so much more than the huge privilege of physical adventure.
I’m talking about the very funny way our perceptions are soooo clouded by the moment.
Dang. Just so sure what’s happening is TRUE, it feels like being completely immersed in the emotion and the experience….
….and it will Never End.
But it will. It can. Any minute now. It does.
“Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving till the right action arises by itself?” ~ Tao Te Ching #15
Much love, Grace
P.S. If you want to question your wants about the future that appear favorable….the ones you cross your fingers for, pray for, hope for, come inquire and open to peace, now (not just later): Abundance, Desire and The Work Weekend. March 18-20. Friday evening, Saturday and Sunday. $295.
PLUS Special gift early-bird registration for the spring retreat (all rooms are now sold out, but commuters are welcome) for May 13-15. $325 for three full days of The Work: Question your thinking, change your life.
Lately I’ve been noticing a moment during some days where stress enters the picture.
Sometimes it’s early evening.
I’ve had a good day, or a long day of work and creativity (I love what I do) and now I’m ready to rest, kick back.
Sometimes, the little thoughts start to chatter like crows in the distance when a retreat or workshop has just finished and everyone has left to return to their daily lives (me, too).
Work is done, interacting is complete for now, the experience is over and now we’re moving on to a quieter moment.
And then….
….almost like a delayed reaction….
….”what do I do now??!!”
There’s this empty space. Nothing on the schedule. Something that took planning is now completed, it’s play time or easy-does-it time.
Now, nothing wrong with this in itself whatsoever.
How sweet to move into rest, slow down, sit quietly, reflect on what just happened, spend some down, loose, open time.
But sometimes, it seems, my mind can’t stop!
It’s like it was shot off like a rocket, it gained momentum over time, a lot went into the show….
….the same way a great piece of theater production is created….
….and there’s a kind of weird feeling about this empty place when all is said and done.
Awhile ago, I noticed I would turn on netflix.
I hadn’t watched TV or much on the screen in about a decade. But it seemed there was an appeal to diving into some kind of long-term story.
Only it felt a little addictive, but I ignored it.
I need a distraction, I thought.
Then, sometimes, a beer also sounded good. Rare, and never having much, but noticing even one beer sometimes felt dehydrating and somehow….off.
It doesn’t help to have hormones changing into menopause. Too much stimulation somehow.
And then….caffeine sounding interesting too, when it normally wouldn’t occur to me.
Long stretches would go without concern or any of this happening, and then….it would reappear.
Recently, I knew between all these little things adding together, the distant chatter was more like a dull roar in the background.
Like a crowd of voices saying “Entertain me! PLEASE!”
I noticed a voice that regularly commented on how these empty times were boring.
Just soooooo boring.
Excellent belief system for The Work.
If you’ve ever noticed a complaining voice that loves to talk about how boring things are, or empty, or over, and it’s time to do nothing (except you can’t quite Do Nothing)….
….this is a weird kind of non-stressy stress.
Good to catch before it picks up speed and becomes a more difficult “problem”.
This moment is boring.
Is it true?
Yah, it’s true!
Jeez, have you looked around?
There’s no one here! The house is completely empty! You have a list a mile long of things you could actually do. Get crackin’.
NOW!
But. I wanted some quiet?
Boring Boring Boring Boring!
Oh. Wait.
What was the question?
LOL!
Is it true this moment, here now….this quiet moment where there’s nothing pressing and no work required, and no planning and no answering emails and no tasks completely fundamentally necessary…..
…..is it true that it’s too quiet? Boring?
No.
How do you react when you believe you need something MORE than what’s here now, in your quiet house, in the quiet silence?
I think I don’t deserve to stop.
I’m anxious about what else is next.
I’m on a roll, and I can’t get off the ride.
Are you sure?
Who would you be without the belief you can’t stop everything and sit and enjoy the beauty of the quiet, silent moment?
Who would you be without the need for entertainment?
Who would you be without the need to turn off your mind, and shut it down?
What if there was no list of what else needs to be done, and the equal and opposite list of needing nothing?
What if there was no right or wrong thing to do in this moment?
What if you just stopped, and listened, for as long as it took to find the inner delicious point of rest that’s always been with you, is here right now, and will never leave you in the future for any reason, ever?
Oh. I remember now.
In the moment of the evening, I feel the restlessness, and then….
….notice what else is here besides my little birdy thoughts making warning noises about slowing down.
Turning the thoughts around, I enter a kind of excitement, rather than busy-mind noise.
*My thoughts are boring, not “me”. This silent space is exciting, even thrilling. This moment is not boring.This moment is colorful, full of things, items, pictures, memories, sight, hearing, smelling, movement.
I’m seeing the things that hold more still…..like the chair, the lamp, the beautiful rug, the dish on the counter with leftover soup coating the inside of the bowl.
No “have to”, no need for a revelation, or an insight, or a great movie, or chipping away at the task list.
Those thoughts (the complainers) are actually kind of funny, kind of repetitive, pretty human, pretty messy, pretty normal.
Suddenly, I’m laughing as part of my mind imagines my life to be some grand thrilling event (every moment wonderful! Go!) and noticing it’s not only not required, it’s very stressful to have these expectations.
Who would you be without the belief YOU need to do ANYTHING exciting, in the moment you think you should?
On a magic carpet ride, going to who-knows-where, right in my empty exciting (or boring) living room.
“The world is created as I sit here, it springs into being and is mirrored back to me as life. It’s wonderful not to be the doer. Everything is a story. The mind spins stories out and you believe what the mind tells you. Every time you are stressed out or fearful, you are believing what the mind is telling you. The Work is about discovering what is true and what is not true for you, the difference between reality and imagination.” ~ Byron Katie in her blog
Wow, so glad reality is in charge, not me. I get a little down-time it turns out. What a relief. What a blessing.
And if I want to watch a movie, why not.
Much love, Grace
P.S. If you want to question your wants about the future that appear favorable….the ones you cross your fingers for, pray for, hope for, come inquire and open to peace, now. Abundance, Desire and The Work Weekend. March 18-20. Friday evening, Saturday and Sunday. $295. And don’t forget there’s a short little special gift early-bird registration for the spring retreat (all rooms are now sold out, but commuters are welcome) for May 13-15.
peace is possible in every situation, even the one you hate thinking about
What do you do if you’re anxious, concerned, or troubled about what MIGHT happen in the future?
If the FUTURE is the thing stressing you out, how do you do The Work, or inquire, on that imaginary circumstance?
Someone asked me to write about this the other day.
Great question.
My first response is to chuckle a little….
….because that imaginary future scene we’re so afraid of feels like TOTAL imagination and making up a worrisome story, right?
Except, these memories or situations from the past….they’re also filled with imagination.
You might think….no.
That can’t be true.
In the past, this terrible horrible thing really did happen. I know it. I was there!
Doing The Work isn’t about denial, or saying something actually did not occur, because that would be weird or a bit crazy.
But this work is about investigating what we decided about that thing that occurred in the past. Our conclusions, the idea that we never, ever want to go through that again because we’re certain it wasn’t safe, it shouldn’t have happened, and it was unsurvivable.
Throughout life, to make matters worse, we learn about tough things happening to other people….and it’s natural to conclude that if bad things happen to people in this world, THEY’LL HAPPEN AGAIN!
And maybe to ME!
HHHEEELLLLPPPPP!!!!!
With the logical mind, you’d almost be bonkers NOT to conclude this.
But what I love about The Work is, we’re entering the mind, thoughts, imagination, thinking, visualizing and wondering what’s really true….
….and feeling what it would be like without believing our thoughts.
So let’s do a little exploration of Future Worries today and inquire.
Picture one of those upsetting things happening to you in the future.
If you really want to go for it, you can picture The Worst That Could Ever Happen.
I know this idea is intense.
You might want to do it in a group, or with a facilitator, and make sure you have support–you do anyway, no matter what, but having people with you can help.
(Just remember, it’s all in the mind, you are actually safe even if you think of horrible things).
I did this work myself.
The worst thing I could ever imagine happening was my kids dying suddenly.
It made me feel nauseated and I’d shout “DON’T THINK ABOUT THAT!” at myself.
I remember how vividly I considered this loss right after my first child was born.
My son, lying in his tiny car seat, seemed too delicate to even place in a car. I suddenly felt like I should never ever leave the house. Ever.
I was stunned with what I had just done. I had given birth and created such an intense tie with this human life, it dawned on me I could lose it.
I WOULD lose it, one day.
We were in separate bodies now (unlike pregnancy), and one of us would move on out of a body, who knew when, into this thing called “death” and the other “left behind” for awhile longer. That’s the only thing that could be known. No timing of it, no order of it, nothing else could ever be known about this process of traveling through this temporary life. My child might die before me, or me before child.
Only one thing was for certain. We both would eventually die.
So I sat with this imaginary horror show experience. Both my children dying.
Let’s do The Work.
Is your terrible vision something you are sure you couldn’t handle?
Are you positive it would be impossible to go on clearly, if it did?
Can you find, even a teensy eensy speck, of acceptance that these things do happen in reality, and life does indeed go on, and people not only survive but thrive sometimes?
Are you sure it’s true what you think about such difficulties isactually true?
Are you certain it’s as horrible as you think in this moment right now?
Byron Katie used to have a question she’d ask from time to time. It’s pretty blunt, and might sound kind of harsh.
And yet, I find very worthy of deep consideration.
“Who needs God, when we have your opinion?”
Gulp.
Even if you don’t like the word “God” you can substitute “Reality” or “Life” or “What Is”.
You mean….I might be….wrong? Or have one tiny perspective here that’s not the whole entire picture?
Oh. Right.
I notice, even if I don’t like something, or am terrified of death, hardship, separation, whatever….these events exist.
Could I look at them differently?
Who would you be without the belief that this vision you have, that’s pretty worrisome or devastating to think about….is bad, terrible, not handle-able, total destruction, evil or wrong?
Again, you aren’t denying the heart-breaking experience of loss, and change, and the feelings that pour out of it.
In fact, I learned of someone today, who I don’t know personally, whose son and 11 month old grandson were killed by a drunk driver one week ago.
I burst into tears.
But without the thought that this should never happen, or that nothing ever good comes out of it…..
…..without feeling terror of it, or against it, what might this be like?
You know when you go to the movies, and you see a very sad event occur, and you’re filled with sadness or fear? You might even cry in the movie theater.
Then the movie ends, and you wipe your eyes and ponder. Maybe you even sit quietly for awhile, in silence.
You’re aware that something deep has moved in you, and it’s moved through you because you felt.
You also know, it’s not real.
It was just a story.
Stories seem to happen in the human condition. Every kind of story you ever dreamed of (or had a nightmare about) happens in the human condition.
Everything.
But who are you, right now, without knowing exactly WHY anything happens or even needing to know?
Who would you be if you could relax in the presence of suffering, and hard stories, and the mind imagining all kinds of troubling things whether past or future?
What do you notice is here, besides “thinking”?
Even if you have visions of the apocalypse….what do you notice is here, now, holding all these stories and surrounding these difficult visions?
“Love can take everything into itself and remain complete – it can take in heartbreak, pain, fear, anger, sadness, total devastation. It can be crucified over and over again, and still remain whole. It knows no opposite, no enemy, no other. Only itself. Eternally, timelessly, Now.” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance
Now….here’s the interesting part.
Turn your thoughts around about that possible scene making you anxious about the future.
Could anything interesting, or good, or beneficial, or helpful come out of that vision that scares or repulses you?
Has anything OK come out of that kind of thing ever before in the history of humanity?
As I do this work again today, I’m brought back to my nightmare vision of my kids dying.
What would be OK about it, or what might happen after that happens, or is there anything at all I can think of that would be acceptable about my nightmare?
What I thought about at the time was hard, but miraculous that I could find even one thing. I found three.
I wouldn’t have to worry about making enough money to support them, feed them, pay for college–I was financially in ruins later on in life and horrified I couldn’t buy them clothes, school supplies, or music lessons.
I could move anywhere I wanted in the entire world.
They would never have to suffer through losing me, or their dad, or just about anyone in their lives.
If you can’t find any examples, let it sit there.
Notice in the world what has happened when the thing you’re afraid of has occurred in someone else’s life.
“I just met my thinking with a little understanding. I no longer saw it as an enemy that needed to die, go away, be–what was the term we used?–let go of it. Why would I let go of one of my children? Does that make sense? Our thoughts are our children. Why would we want to banish them? Why can’t we just join with them? And that’s what this Work does: it meets every concept with understanding.” ~ Byron Katie in Who Would You Be Without Your Story
Much love, Grace
P.S. If you want to question your wants about the future that appear favorable….the ones you cross your fingers for, pray for, hope for, come inquire and open to peace, now. Abundance, Desire and The Work Weekend. March 18-20. Friday evening, Saturday and Sunday. $295.
I was 15 years old and on the most daring adventure my academic traveling parents had taken yet.
They liked exploring the world, the inner and outer.
Despite being able to identify a few imperfections about my parents (LOL, I’ve had the privilege of doing The Work)….
….my mom and dad both rocked the house when it came to love of learning.
They had rented a van, referred to as a kombi, in South Africa, and we joined another family with three kids (ours had four) in their own car, making a caravan to a fascinating place all the adults wanted to see.
We were in the tiny country of Lesotho (you say it “Lahsootoo”).
We had been driving for hours. Days, actually.
It had been raining just as long.
Even though I was 15, I notice now I didn’t question or ask how my parents and the other parents picked the village we were trying to drive to, or why.
They loved seeing places.
We were traveling a completely unpaved road at this point.
Well, things had been unpaved for a very long time, come to think of it.
Far, far, far into the deep heart of this small country.
We passed only people on foot, pretty rarely, carrying items on their heads. They would stop and stare at us as we bumped by like a gigantic turtle splattered with mud, going ten miles per hour. Maybe.
We could see the back of our friends up ahead also in their mud-covered car, the color now unknown as I remember only…..mud.
Then, I heard the spin.
The alert of tires, turning wildly in the thick mud.
I sat up straight and looked up at my dad from the back seat.
Would this be yet another time when he’d jump out, my mom would take the wheel, and he’d run alongside and push the van?
Spin, spin, spin.
Cough.
The engine died.
He turned it on again….success, motor engaged.
A moment later he called “everyone out!”
Our friends were up ahead, also spinning in place. Tires whirring and splatting mud in shooting streams.
They beckoned up to us as we all unloaded and moved to their car.
Everyone’s clothes were also, basically, mud-colored. At least our trousers.
Me and every other kid had bare feet. It was easier than trying to actually pull on mud-coated shoes.
We leaned, shoved, and in one big lunge, their car moved forward and up to more solid less liquified ground.
Then came the project of getting the kombi unstuck, and also up to solid ground.
I could tell my dad was getting anxious. It would be dark eventually.
They tried putting paper under the tires for traction. Everyone was offering solutions. A few men walking together along the road, who spoke no English at all, also began talking, waving their arms around, gesturing. It soon became clear, we will all set to gather piles of plants, grass, flowers, sticks, and make something solid in the road.
After a very long time, with shouting, and lots of rocking the kombi, lightening the load by unpacking some of it, and gathering everything we could pick, carry or throw under the wheels….
….there came that moment.
Just like when the space ship breaks through the last leg and the astronauts make it.
Cheers went up! The van was unstuck!
Hooray! All these people, some of whom didn’t speak the same language, shouting Hooray!
We then made our way only 30 minutes farther down the mountain as the day began to fade, entering a remote little village of maybe eight rondavels (small round lovely huts).
We made it.
Nothing like the thrill of Team Work.
Even though we traveled for an entire year, none of us ever forget that moment of the Lesotho mud road.
That village was the most beautiful place, ever, and my memory is the sun came out the next day….although I don’t actually know if that’s true. It was the sunny feeling on the inside of making it through a difficult problem, everyone pitching in and taking part, everyone having a role. Relief. Success.
The feeling of going at it together.
The other day, during a Year of Inquiry weekly call, someone in our group got stuck with her turnarounds.
“I absolutely can’t see”, she said, “how I could find any examples at all for why my ex shouldn’t work with me to help our teenage son.”
There was a pause, and then she asked everyone…..”can you all help me? Does anyone else see an example for my turnaround?”
Someone “raised their hand” (I get to see it on my screen, after someone pushes *2) and I called their name.
Then someone else offered a suggestion, and someone else.
It reminded me of Byron Katie here in Seattle several weeks ago, when a man sat on stage after the suicide of his son, looking at the turnaround on his worksheet and shaking his head “no”…..
…..”he should be dead”?
Katie turned to the audience.
Can anyone find an example?
One by one, people raised their hands and shared: He doesn’t have to live into old age, sickness or decay, he’s no longer suffering in this life, he’s free of a body, he’ll never have to go through other hardship and loss again like we all do while here on planet earth.
The point is not to try to feel better, if you don’t.
It’s not to be in denial.
It’s not pretending that what breaks your heart into a million pieces, didn’t.
For me, it’s about understanding this thinking, that I call “my” thinking (which can be questioned)….and being here, together with reality, instead of separated and in pain.
This work is about investigating the human condition, our thoughts, our suffering, what we believe that’s so agonizing.
And when it’s really difficult, and we can’t see any peace, we can get help from others.
Team Work.
And maybe we are all working together, all the time, all along, in every moment–no matter what has happened or is happening–and you always have available for you the question “can you help me get unstuck?”
“We seek because we feel separate – from each other, from life itself, from The One we love. We feel separate, but are we actually separate? To whom does ‘the sense of being separate’ appear? Does anybody own this ‘sense of being separate’? Even ‘the sense of being separate’ is inseparable from what you are. It does not belong to you. It arises in total intimacy. What you are allows every sense, every feeling, every thought to arise and fall, in a vast open space that cannot be fathomed by mind. Freedom from separation within that very sense of separation. Stunning!” ~ Jeff Foster
Ask for help. Yes, from the person you just thought of, from the group you know of that helps people in your situation.
You feel separate, but you aren’t.
Even if you’re far, far away in Africa, with no stores, or food, or gas stations or places that can help you in sight….
….and it’s getting dark….and darker….
….I guarantee you, you aren’t alone.
Air is filling your lungs, you’re here.
Team Work is happening.
Much love, Grace
P.S. If you’d like the collective energy of people gathering together to question stressful thinking, come to retreat. The next retreat: Abundance, Desire and The Work Weekend. We’ll look at what we wish was here now (desire, abundance, love, excitement, the thing) and examine this longing for the truth. March 18-20.
One of the most interesting exercises and invitations to us all as we do The Work and self-inquiry….
….is to wonder what it would be like to “live” a potent turnaround.
As you probably know….
….the turnarounds are all the opposite angles, perspectives and views to our stressful beliefs.
“He should give me flowers” becomes “he should not give me flowers” and “I should give him flowers” and “I should give myself flowers.”
We sit with these crazy opposites and find examples of how they are also true.
It doesn’t mean any of them are the “right” answer.
They’re like trying on completely different coats, or wearing a different pair of shoes (or moccasins, as the ancient wisdom native saying goes).
Sometimes, we’re hit with the implications of a turnaround, and we might feel great excitement in turning our life situation inside out into something new and different.
The situation that seems so very threatening and awful….
….with a turnaround seems challenging, but possible.
Or, super thrilling!
Or, hilarious!
We get to ask this awesome question: What If I Lived This Turnaround?
What if I actually went into the flower shop, and bought myself the most gorgeous bunch of flowers in the whole place?
Instead of holding onto my thought that HE should be the one doing the flower-buying.
If it can start with something simple, like buying myself just the thing I always wanted someone else to buy….
….what else might be possible to turnaround?
What if I really could bring something different to life, even out of the tragic thing I experienced?
Yesterday I got two sweet and brilliant examples of living turnarounds right before my eyes.
The first was….
….getting to talk with an amazing woman who has clearly lived an astonishing turnaround in her life after giving birth to a baby with down syndrome 28 years ago (Debra Ruh).
I was so moved by her lifetime example of turning her difficult experience into something beautiful, I interviewed her to share it with Peace Talk listeners.
(You can download this Episode 106 of Peace Talk on itunes right here).
The other example of a living turnaround yesterday was…..me.
I led a retreat online, with people dialing in using their phones or computers, for three hours about questioning love stories that hurt.
I shared my biggest painful love story of divorce (that has turned into a blessing).
You know what the living turnaround is?
That I was leading a Valentine’s Prep Day retreat online, where people came from all across the United States, Europe, Australia….
….and this is what I do for a living now.
I join with others to question stressful thoughts.
I get messages like these….both of which I also received in emails yesterday:
Thanks Grace. Really enjoyed this retreat. What a beautiful way to start the Valentine’s Weekend (or any weekend…..it’s only my stories telling me that there is something different /special about Valentine’s weekend). Will be a much more relaxed and pleasant weekend after doing The Work today. So I guess it *IS* a special weekend afterall! I so love YOU and doing The Work with you….THANKS!!! ~ Florida
Thank you Grace,
You are a true teacher, the real deal.
I love having found you! ~ Italy
I had the thought….wow….
….it’s bragging to share these beautiful comments.
But my life is full of these kinds of expressions of love now. Full of thoughtful, incredible people so sincere about questioning their suffering.
Who would you be if you lived one of your turnarounds?
If you opened up to the thing that happened, that incident, that relationship….
….could now morph into something spectacular, or new?
I was once on staff at a School for The Work and was partnered with a woman who was very distraught about a horrible tragedy in her life.
She had been the driver of a car, on a family vacation, and the tires had suddenly blown out (they were later recalled for all these types of vehicles) causing the SUV to flip wildly off the road.
The accident killed her husband, one of her daughters, and the best friend of her other daughter.
In her path of healing, at a future point in her life, she founded an organization to help people handle the shock of sudden death, including helping firefighters and police officers deliver shocking news to families after accidents.
I cried with her, as we did The Work together, as she undid the terrible pain one level further.
We could both already see, in that inquiry, how stunning it was to see what came out of what seemed awful. It was something helpful to humanity, to her community.
Love prevailed.
She’s an inspiration to people of overcoming accidental death and living an incredible life beyond beliefs about how reality should be.
Just like Debra Ruh, the woman I spoke with on Peace Talk.
Now….my own experiences have never been so dramatic.
But I certainly never could have dreamed I’d get to question my thinking, talk with other truly powerful people on a daily basis, or have three hours fly by while asking and answering questions, and turning suffering around into blessings.
What turnaround are you living right now?
Meditate on what it might look like, if you did turn what you’re imagining around.
Let it come in as an idea, an inspirational thought.
You don’t have to know right now….let it come to you.
Let it take as long as it takes.
“To exclude anything that appears in your universe is not love. Love joins with everything. It doesn’t exclude the monster. It doesn’t avoid the nightmare–it looks forward to it.” ~ Byron Katie
“The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.” ~ Ben Okri
Sit with others to question your stressful thoughts, enter Silence, feel the peace
Ahhhhh, I’ve been in retreat all weekend.
Beautiful people (some I’ve known for years, some brand new friends) have been in and out of little Goldilocks Cottage, where I live and work, for three days.
A dear friend, mentor, teacher, companion along the road of life has been staying with me (or I should say “us”) all weekend.
He’s been the “leader” of the retreat.
I’ve been the “host”.
Isn’t it funny how I’m writing quotations marks around all these roles being played?
But it is a wonderful thing to realize how the mind distinguishes people, who they are, why they’re there, and what they’re doing by defining their positions.
Really…..everyone who attended and gathered together was both teacher and student and host.
Everyone who came contributed, connected, felt the sweetness of being there. Some asked questions, some expressed their difficulties with silence or life, some shared their joys with silence or life.
Dialogues happened, conversations about death and love.
What I notice this morning, as life lives itself forward in this beautiful, strange and heart-breaking world….
….is that within this room where I sit, there is thought….
….and no thought.
That’s what we get to do as we feel the pain our thinking produces, and we turn toward Inquiry instead of assuming what we’re thinking is true.
We get to notice. Everything.
We get to notice more than thought!
Finding peace is not so very difficult.
Not anywhere near as difficult as the mind makes it.
The mind says “it is not here”.
Hard things happen by being a human being including loss, grief, death, disappointment, worry, loneliness, terror.
When I’ve focused on these experiences, without inquiry, they sit and repeat themselves like broken records.
When I wonder if what I’m believing is really true….
….the pain doesn’t necessarily vanish, but there is more here than only pain.
What could be possible without your story?
What story are you swimming in, if you feel sad, despair, anger, or disgust?
I love the four questions.
They are a meditation.
They have led me to sit silently, and contentedly, with people all weekend in my home, without feeling invasion, stress, a need to escape.
The questions have led me like breadcrumbs down a path of peace with life that was here all along.
I just couldn’t see it before.
If you don’t know what to do with your thoughts and it’s very difficult to sit still….
….start taking them through The Work.
No, you don’t have to analyze every single thought, or improve, fix, change or adjust your situation with the perfect solution.
You can be your own teacher and advisor and student and leader as you go back and forth asking and answering the questions.
Or even just the first one: “Is it true?”
“You’re believing someone and something to be you, and it’s not. The truth of your perception is silence. All that commentary, and yet, you are the silent witness. You have never been, not for one second, the mind’s perception. You have never been that your whole life.” ~ Ross Oldenstadt (in conversation with “me” a couple of years ago, followed by great laughter)
Much love,
Grace
if you have thoughts and ideas about LOVE and couple-ness and romance you find irritating, disturbing, sad or difficult….join the online Friday afternoon retreat to question your love stories. We’ll meet for three hours (you can come in and drop off any time) and it’s all audio. You can be anonymous or speak up. Click HERE to register ($37).
Meetup today! 2-4 pm at Goldilocks Cottage in northeast Seattle.
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But I really have to do that RIGHT NOW….are you sure?
I was pregnant with my son (he is now 21 years old).
It was the beginning of the sixth month.
I looked down in amazement, for the hundredth time, at the way the belly stretched out in a round smooth balloon shape.
I was observing the process of a life coming into form, and simply….
….move itself along.
I still frequently remember this moment vividly.
Because, even though I continuously was fascinated, almost in awe of having this experience…..
….something that day was different.
Suddenly, I realized it was not “my” belly.
I was looking at “a” human belly that was doing it’s own thing and was being run by the universe, or God, or Life (whatever you like calling the great mystery of it all).
It was like there was something watching the whole thing, being stunned and amazed at having no idea how this all happens, or why, or wherefore, and awareness of not being in charge whatsoever.
And then a voice inside said to me like hearing someone talk out loud practically…..
…..remember how great it is to stretch?
The feeling of stretching like a cat to the ceiling and sucking in as the stomach flattens.
The sensation of languidly reaching.
The sensation of breathing deeply, then raising arms over a head, and feeling the back bone and stomach come much closer together, all the organs and guts and everything inside the torso moving with a slight back bend and a melting in and up.
I used to do gymnastics, but it had been a long time since a back bend or a walkover.
Except right NOW….
….I can’t do that. I’m pregnant.
Then, an inner voice, yelling.
DON’T THINK ABOUT WANTING THAT!!
You can’t have it!!!!!
A little wave of fear coursed through me.
This body can’t do that move in this condition. It will be a long time, many many weeks, until stretching like that is possible.
I know this sounds really melodramatic, right?
Oh My God what a TERRIBLE thought……
……to want to stretch and not be able to!
But it was weirdly serious, strangely full of warning. Do not go beyond this point.
You are in a course of events that are unknown, and all you can do is go along for the ride.
Do NOT wish for something right now that is not possible in reality.
Including the simple act of stretching.
That would be painful.
Now, when I think about how vivid and clear that moment was, it’s like a foggy window got completely wiped free, or a round circle got popped out with those fancy and brilliant glass cutters.
But it’s kind of weird to talk about it, because who has such a moment of insight about not being able to stretch during pregnancy!
Not being able to stretch is so no big deal. What a weirdo.
But I STILL remember that moment, and some unexplained wisdom appearing from within that KNEW that spending anything more than the split second I did of longing for something different….
….was a way to create suffering for myself.
Actually to create it out of thin air.
Wanting something that wasn’t possible.
Wow.
I could wait until later.
I would HAVE to, in fact.
I knew right then that going with the flow of what was happening was far, far, far easier than complaining internally about what was happening in my body and what I couldn’t do at the moment.
What I didn’t see at the time, was the wisdom of how this applied to absolutely everything about reality.
I had no idea.
If I argue with what is going on in my life, the natural trajectory I am not controlling….
….then I will lose the argument.
The arguing itself will give me nothing but angst and suffering, frustration, wishing, longing, sadness, annoyance.
“Am I better off making up an alternate reality in my mind and then fighting with reality to make it be my way, or am I better off letting go of what I want and serving the same forces of reality that managed to create the entire perfection of the universe around me?” ~ Michael Singer in The Surrender Experiment
Today, I love that right in this moment (I just did it) I stood up and stretched to the ceiling.
Now, it turns out, is good for stretching in this body.
But that hasn’t always been the case, and there will be a time again in the future when it isn’t again.
If you find your mind is upset about what you can’t do, have, achieve, accomplish….
….question your need to do that right NOW.
It’s not about giving up dreams or visions, or falling into an uncaring depressed apathy.
Just noticing who you would be without the belief you need to stretch, when you absolutely can’t in this moment?
“Perfection is another name for reality. The only way you can see anything as imperfect is if you believe a thought about it. ‘It’s inadequate, it’s ugly, it’s unfair, it’s flawed’—is that true? This chipped coffee cup on the table: how beautiful it is when you simply look at it, without any thought of what it should be.” ~ Byron Katie
Are you truly interested in ending my way of thinking that results in suffering?
Upset with the noise? Listen to the sound of “shhhhh”.
A moment at the gym.
The guy in front of me answers his cell phone.
His voice is very loud. I can hear everything he says. He’s talking about finishing a deal of some kind, and it’s definitely work-ish-related.
“We need to get them to the table as soon as possible….blah blah blah…”
My eyes burrow into the back of his head.
Will. You. Be. Quiet.
What a disturbing, inconsiderate man.
He hangs up.
*Finally*
I can go back to my reading of the Tao Te Ching while pouring with sweat.
Two minutes pass.
Another man comes down the aisle-way behind me VACUUMING.
SOAB, doesn’t anyone know how to hush up around here?!!
He is actually vacuuming around the wheels of the machine I am riding.
Seriously?
My eyes bore into the page.
But somehow, at the very same time (that’s the amazing part) another place within is basically entirely undisturbed.
Rolling Stones are playing “I Miss You” on the gym speakers.
Who would I be without this thought that everything needs to be quiet?
Including my own mind?
I close my eyes.
I hear feet plopping on a running treadmill, to the beat of the song. I feel air from a nearby fan blowing gently across my right forearm. I feel the fabulous pounding of my heart, steady, happy. I hear these thoughts come and go. I hear a squeak from a machine needing WD40.
I open my eyes.
I see rain pattering in a puddle on the black asphalt through the window, and yellow lines someone painted “NO”….”LANE”.
I see a gray car wish windshield wipers going, turning right while facing my direction. I see cars 100 yards away moving back and forth along an arterial, navy blue, light blue, red, brown. Woman’s white coat in square shapes. Red stop sign. Green trees, unmoving, always in the same place just past the Jiffy Lube. Gray speckled carpet. Round speckled speaker in the ceiling.
Who am I without these thoughts?
What is it that needs to have everything get quiet?
Who actually needs to shut up?
I could say “I do”.
I could move into thoughts about what I need to do, where I should be, how I shouldn’t condemn what is around me, and how I need more practice.
But then….
….even that thought splashes down into the earth and fades away.
No improvement necessary.
Who wants the improvement?
Who demands something different?
What else is here, besides the noise outside and inside?
Right there on the bike, I stretch both arms out wide as wide can be and feel ecstasy of the space all around this body, and how far it extends.
In my mind I see an image of the green wicked witch of the west riding her bike in the middle of a Kansas tornado, cackling with glee in Dorothy’s dream.
Hear the music?
Everything pulsing in this magnificence of a moment on earth in apparently the Pacific Northwest, inside a gym, watching repetitive movement everywhere. Legs pumping, clock hand sweeping, other legs running, light shining through a window, rain pattering, music playing, heat generating, up and down, in and out, dark and light, hearing and silence.
Nothing wrong with this brain doing its thinking, joining in on the clamor and orchestra of the moment.
He should not be quiet. It should not be quiet. They should not be quiet. I should not be quiet.
But something holds it all.
Something is already quiet.
Glory, glory.
Oh, without thinking something needs to be done, or something is missing, or something is too big and loud…..
The other day I shared with you that I just came from a week-long retreat on the wild, rocky, cold northern California coast.
Every day we had almost exactly the same schedule, starting with silent sitting meditation, a silent meal of breakfast, then a talk by the remarkable and wise Adyashanti, silent lunch, silent break, followed by three silent sitting meditations, silent dinner, and the fabulous Q and A in the evening (called “satsang” in Eastern religious traditions) and finally one more silent sitting meditation followed by….
….you guessed it, silent sleeping.
I loved every part.
Except.
Even if all this was called “silent” (no talking, no unnecessary sounds or rustlings in the meditation hall, no gestures or trying to catch someone’s eye)….
….its not exactly silent on the inside.
Have you noticed?
That mind just chatters away like a committee of monkeys or chickens, doesn’t it?
Many of us are deeply aware of this “problem”.
We especially want the negative, irritable, scary, depressed thoughts to be quiet.
But what if we inquired into this belief, this troubling thought, about our thinking itself?
What kinds of thoughts do you have about your own mind?
I know…..it can get pretty vicious the way we sometimes attack our own minds, our process of this thing called “thinking”.
My thoughts are driving me crazy. I want them to leave me alone. They should shut up! They are destroying my peace. My thoughts are brutal, insane, ridiculous, stupid, repetitive, boring and self-centered.
Can someone give me a lobotomy on my disturbing, totally confused thoughts?
Ha ha.
But let’s inquire.
Let’s give even this grand gesture of Attack of Thought Itself a good look.
My thoughts destroy my peace and drive me mad.
Is this true?
Yes.
And I know from doing The Work that when they dissolve, I become more free.
I know my thinking creates my stress. I want an attitude adjustment! I can’t seem to get it all squared away and done with, once and for all.
But are you absolutely sure your thinking destroys your peace, drives you mad, and that you want to them all to go away?
No. Not at all, really.
How do you react when you believe you must get rid of your “negative” thoughts?
How do you treat yourself when you believe “your” thinking is destroying your peace?
Caught in a loop of judgment.
“I” am doing this wrong.
“I” need to fix this thinking.
Thoughts must die.
(Have you ever had this kind of thinking about people, by the way, who have upset you, or other difficult situations in the world like war, or anything you may find frightening?)
Destroy it! Bring out the posse! Grab your pitchforks and firearms! Attack!
How about truly inquiring instead?
They are YOUR thoughts, are you sure?
Thinking is never-ending….and that’s bad because why?
Peace is wiped out if you THINK something….have you checked?
(Check right now, if you want).
What would you be, without being against your own mind?
What if thinking, and thoughts, and mind, was all here to serve you, to serve life?
What if even this process of repeating ideas, returning to the same thoughts over and over, thinking frightening things….
….was actually happening for good purpose?
An invitation.
Maybe your poor little mind just wants to do its job.
Work!
Might as well give it some great questions it can answer, instead of wishing it would die.
Fortunately, The Work is just that.
It’s called The Work, Katie jokes, because it is actually…. ….well….work.
She also suggests that we have only two choices: question your thinking, or believe it.
Notice there isn’t a choice: wipe out all your negative thoughts from the face of the earth (from the mind) WITHOUT work.
I notice, I don’t want that anyway.
Turning the thoughts around: My thoughts are driving me sane. I do not ever want them to leave me alone. They should shout as loud as they need to shout, continuously, until I pay attention! They are creating my peace. My thoughts are gentle, sane, normal, smart, patterned (not repetitive), exciting and other-centered.
Wow.
It makes me chuckle out loud!
And I notice, my brain is running just like everyone else’s brain.
I don’t yell at my heart or my lungs or my organs to stop doing their job. So what if I welcomed all my painful thinking?
What if I opened my arms to all the little compulsive automated evolutionary function of this built-in energy called “thinking”?
What if I accepted that this mind is a little micro chip of awareness, created especially for this life to form memory, to warn for danger, to help operate the actions of this body, to support a return to peace.
I don’t know how, but starting with this first step of being willing to allow all thoughts to be feels like a huge relief, an awesome gift, and a way out.
Just like all the people you ever got upset with.
Or all the situations you ever hated.
Letting them be here.
Ahhhhhhh.
No more control.
Gosh.
That felt so juicy, and delicious, and sparkling, and open….
….I suddenly realized I forgot was “I” was thinking.
Relax, by Ellen Bass
“Bad things are going to happen.
Your tomatoes will grow a fungus
and your cat will get run over.
Someone will leave the bag with the ice cream
melting in the car and throw
your blue cashmere sweater in the drier.
Your husband will sleep
with a girl your daughter’s age, her breasts spilling
out of her blouse. Or your wife
will remember she’s a lesbian
and leave you for the woman next door. The other cat–
the one you never really liked–will contract a disease
that requires you to pry open its feverish mouth
every four hours. Your parents will die.
No matter how many vitamins you take,
how much Pilates, you’ll lose your keys,
your hair and your memory. If your daughter
doesn’t plug her heart
into every live socket she passes,
you’ll come home to find your son has emptied
the refrigerator, dragged it to the curb,
and called the used appliance store for a pick up-drug money.
There’s a Buddhist story of a woman chased by a tiger.
When she comes to a cliff, she sees a sturdy vine
and climbs half way down. But there’s also a tiger below.
And two mice–one white, one black–scurry out
and begin to gnaw at the vine. At this point
she notices a wild strawberry growing from a crevice.
She looks up, down, at the mice.
Then she eats the strawberry.
So here’s the view, the breeze, the pulse
in your throat. Your wallet will be stolen, you’ll get fat,
slip on the bathroom tiles of a foreign hotel
and crack your hip. You’ll be lonely.
Oh taste how sweet and tart
the red juice is, how the tiny seeds
crunch between your teeth.”
Thinking happens.
So does peace and delight.
Endless, endless.
Can you taste it?
Much love, Grace
P.S. Upcoming inquiry events with Grace for 2016:
Eating Peace Retreat January 22-24, 2016 north Seattle, WA $347
Half Day Mini Retreat April 2, 2016 Seattle
Eating Peace Retreat April 15-17, 2016 Newark, CA $347 (last time at this fee)
Money 8 Week Telecourse Jan 14-March 3, 2016 Thursdays 2-3:30 pm Pacific Time (By donation–suggestion $150-$395)
Question Money 3 Day Retreat March 25-27, 2016 Seattle $395
The Work of Byron Katie with Grace: Delete Your Suffering May 13-15, 2016 $395
Breitenbush Annual Deep Dive The Work June 24-28, 2016 $395 plus food and lodging through Breitenbush
Summer Camp For The Mind Immersion TeleJams in The Work July-August 2016
Being With Byron Katie Silent Streamed Retreat July 9-12, 2016 Kenmore, WA $165 (accommodation available for a few at inexpensive fee)
Wide open wild ocean at Asilomar, where I’ve been retreating. And now…..more retreating in daily life!
I have missed you this week, I love sharing with you so much, and hearing from those who write.
I have just come away from a primarily silent retreat with the inspiring and loving teacher Adyashanti for seven days.
The only time there was speaking, was if you raised your hand, Adya called on you, and you came to the microphone (in front of 300 people) to ask him a question or have a conversation about this thing called life.
I asked Adya a question.
How do I bring this profound silence and joy that I receive here on retreat into my daily life, and stay connected to serving and being peace?
It was such a good answer.
He is always very kind and generous, and not judgey.
But if I could sum up the answer in one fell swoop, although it was much longer and sweeter than this, it would be:
Don’t be afraid of getting disturbed.
Oh.
Right.
Questioning what’s going on.
I can do that.
We all can do that.
And not just questioning what’s going on when we feel unhappy, or upset, or sad, or mixed up about things….
….but even telling an uncomfortable situation to come on in.
It’s welcome.
When I wish for my life to be one big long retreat, and a retreat has to look like lots of silence and open time, and space and gentleness, good simple meals, lack of work….
….then I will be disappointed.
And very, very confused.
Because really? That’s not what I want at all.
I want life to be exciting, and challenging, and fascinating, and full of wonder and miracles, and change and destruction, and rebirth and passion.
I want what Life wants.
When I don’t, it hurts real bad.
So today, as I have a day of travel and writing and getting ready for a half day retreat tomorrow in inquiry, I can remember about how every single time I thought I knew how life should go and could not find flexibility in my thinking….
….things got a bit worse.
Every time I have stopped, questioned what I believed to be the truth about any situation….
….things got better.
Eventually.
Today, I am so grateful for every harsh, difficult thing I’ve ever gone through, because of what it’s given me along the way.
Today, I am so grateful for laundry, children, cleaning the bathroom, making copies of retreat materials for participants tomorrow, doing the dishes, and cleaning out the Inbox of emails.
Do I really want my daily life to be like a silent retreat with non-stop spiritual guidance?
Who had the idea that it isn’t?
Oh yeah!
That was me!
The good news….if that was little me who had that thought, I could be wrong!
Much love, Grace
P.S. Last minute shuffling looks like one spot has opened up for tomorrow’s December 12 mini retreat 1:30-5:30 pm. Question your mind, change your life. Really.
The other day I shared with you that I just came from a week-long retreat on the wild, rocky, cold northern California coast.