I was pregnant with my son (he is now 21 years old).
I looked down in amazement, for the hundredth time, at the way the belly stretched out in a round smooth balloon shape.
I was observing the process of a life coming into form, and simply….
….move itself along.
I still frequently remember this moment vividly.
Because, even though I continuously was fascinated, almost in awe of having this experience…..
….something that day was different.
Suddenly, I realized it was not “my” belly.
I was looking at “a” human belly that was doing it’s own thing and was being run by the universe, or God, or Life (whatever you like calling the great mystery of it all).
It was like there was something watching the whole thing, being stunned and amazed at having no idea how this all happens, or why, or wherefore, and awareness of not being in charge whatsoever.
And then a voice inside said to me like hearing someone talk out loud practically…..
…..remember how great it is to stretch?
The feeling of stretching like a cat to the ceiling and sucking in as the stomach flattens.
The sensation of languidly reaching.
The sensation of breathing deeply, then raising arms over a head, and feeling the back bone and stomach come much closer together, all the organs and guts and everything inside the torso moving with a slight back bend and a melting in and up.
I used to do gymnastics, but it had been a long time since a back bend or a walkover.
Except right NOW….
….I can’t do that. I’m pregnant.
Then, an inner voice, yelling.
DON’T THINK ABOUT WANTING THAT!!
You can’t have it!!!!!
A little wave of fear coursed through me.
This body can’t do that move in this condition. It will be a long time, many many weeks, until stretching like that is possible.
I know this sounds really melodramatic, right?
Oh My God what a TERRIBLE thought……
……to want to stretch and not be able to!
But it was weirdly serious, strangely full of warning. Do not go beyond this point.
You are in a course of events that are unknown, and all you can do is go along for the ride.
Do NOT wish for something right now that is not possible in reality.
Including the simple act of stretching.
That would be painful.
Now, when I think about how vivid and clear that moment was, it’s like a foggy window got completely wiped free, or a round circle got popped out with those fancy and brilliant glass cutters.
But it’s kind of weird to talk about it, because who has such a moment of insight about not being able to stretch during pregnancy!
Not being able to stretch is so no big deal. What a weirdo.
I could wait until later.
I would HAVE to, in fact.
I knew right then that going with the flow of what was happening was far, far, far easier than complaining internally about what was happening in my body and what I couldn’t do at the moment.
What I didn’t see at the time, was the wisdom of how this applied to absolutely everything about reality.
I had no idea.
If I argue with what is going on in my life, the natural trajectory I am not controlling….
….then I will lose the argument.
The arguing itself will give me nothing but angst and suffering, frustration, wishing, longing, sadness, annoyance.
“Am I better off making up an alternate reality in my mind and then fighting with reality to make it be my way, or am I better off letting go of what I want and serving the same forces of reality that managed to create the entire perfection of the universe around me?” ~ Michael Singer in The Surrender Experiment
Today, I love that right in this moment (I just did it) I stood up and stretched to the ceiling.
Now, it turns out, is good for stretching in this body.
But that hasn’t always been the case, and there will be a time again in the future when it isn’t again.
If you find your mind is upset about what you can’t do, have, achieve, accomplish….
….question your need to do that right NOW.
It’s not about giving up dreams or visions, or falling into an uncaring depressed apathy.
Just noticing who you would be without the belief you need to stretch, when you absolutely can’t in this moment?
“Perfection is another name for reality. The only way you can see anything as imperfect is if you believe a thought about it. ‘It’s inadequate, it’s ugly, it’s unfair, it’s flawed’—is that true? This chipped coffee cup on the table: how beautiful it is when you simply look at it, without any thought of what it should be.” ~ Byron Katie
Grace