the work – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

November 17, 2020November 17, 2020

there’s something wrong with anxiety

There must be something wrong with me–I know, because of this anxiety.

Have you ever had that thought?

Whether a moment when you dropped a dish and it smashed to pieces, or someone broke up with you, or you weighed yourself (we’re looking at this in Eating Peace program) or you lost your temper, or you lost your house because of difficult financial circumstances….

….so many times we’ve reacted.

“Yikes! Oh no!”

I did it wrong.

Because I did it wrong, I’ll die without succeeding. I’ll fail. I’ll suffer. I’ll be alone forever. I won’t get “there”.

Some of us take so much responsibility for problems, we’re anxious, then we’re depressed and incredibly full of despair.

But can you be sure there’s something wrong with you because you’re anxious?

Think of just one situation.

For example, two different inquirers brought this to the pot in the past couple of weeks:

They were anxiously thinking about the future.

They were against feeling so anxious. Their minds were out of control.

Unchangeable.

“I’ve been working on this for soooooo long. Why don’t I stop obsessing? Why do I continue to be like this?!”

So if you’ve experience anxiety, and then berated yourself for being anxious….this inquiry is for you.

My situation. Two years ago (ish) in February on a very dark wintry rainy weekend in the northwest. I’m out of town with my husband for a long weekend.

In the hotel room, we receive an email saying they’ll be moving ahead with the building project in our back yard. A new small house with a ground floor apartment for my mother in her elder years, and a studio/office space up above for groups and inquiry work.

They would need $52,000 to begin on Tuesday.

I begin to sweat.

Holy Mother of God, what have we done? This is going to cost so much more than that. If this is only what they need to get started, how will this unfold? What if we don’t have enough? How did we ever think we could do something so massive? Why didn’t we just pay off our house instead of refinancing and building?

How could I have imagined I would even be eligible to do such a grand, gigantic thing?

People are starving in Africa.

As my husband began to breathe heavily later, in a deep and restful sleep, I began to think.

Maybe we should back out of this.

And by the way, why are we in a hotel? We should be saving any extra money for this ginormous project.

We should probably leave in the morning. I don’t like it here.

Now, you might think….she probably started doing The Work in the middle of the night, right?

Oh no.

I was having a full on epileptic thinking seizure. I stared at airplane lights far in the distance out the dark window, wondering how I picked a hotel this close to the airport.

I’m honestly still not sure why or how that all rose up to such a heightened sense of speeding thought, and how it happened that all sense of safety was sucked out of the room. (That’s dramatic–the room was entirely safe. The future, in my head, was unsafe).

I’m not sure why I did not meet the anxious mind with four questions as I always find liberating.

Maybe the fire needed to burn very brightly, so I could see how much I feared not having enough in the future.

I had images of boarded-up unfinished houses seen in neighborhoods sometimes. People who started a big project, and couldn’t finish it.

I had images of stocks plunging to zero and everything tanking.

“What is wrong with you?”, I thought.

“Don’t you want a simple life?”

People who come into the programs I facilitate often come with this core belief running in the background, this terrible doubt about themselves; Relationship Hell to Heaven (which just ended last Sunday, such a beautiful healing group), Year of Inquiry (gathering all year for self-inquiry together), Eating Peace (people feeling horrible about their eating issues).

Everyone is upset with how life has gone, and especially how they’ve responded to it.

Is it true there’s something wrong with you, if you’ve been full of emotions, like anxiety?

Are you absolutely sure it’s wrong to feel anxious?

No.

What’s the reality? Anxiety exists.

What happens when you’re upset with anxiety, with thinking, with a circumstance or a condition that sends you into fear?

I see flashes of terrible failure in the future.

Suffering. Sorrow. Regret.

I have to make the right decision NOW. I panic and run. Or I jump in when not quite ready.

Everything on the topic is an emergency.

In my mind that night during the news that our plans were really happening, I was unexpectedly thrown off by my panic about the unknown future…and money.

Who would I be without the belief that something was wrong? With me? With the circumstance?

Aware that nothing WAS actually wrong in that moment.

Even with this mind.

It was doing its job, reminding (re-mind-ing) me that only ten years earlier I almost lost the very same property to foreclosure and debt. Reminding me I should be very careful (which can be questioned). Reminding me I’ve suffered in the past, so suffering may happen again in the future.

But it was just mental images and thoughts and imagination and stored memory presenting itself.

I could question it all.

Who are we without our thoughts about the thing causing anxiety, and the anxiety itself?

I love we can turn the mind towards using the imagination for support and loving kindness, rather than drama and chaos.

Without my beliefs running, I’d notice the stillness and the powerful support of the present moment.

Turning the thought around: there’s something wrong with my thinking.

Yes, I can see my thinking, left unto itself, runs rampant when believing there’s a threat.

Turning the thought around: there’s something RIGHT with me (as I gaze at anxiety).

Could this be just as true, or truer?

Anxious images in a slide show, anxious feelings in the body.

And still, woman listening to husband’s sleeping breath. Looking through a glass at the night sky. Listening to the quiet room.

Stillness present.

Safety present.

Secure in gravity, warmth, resting, oxygen.

Mind busy, doing what it was born to do.

Nothing wrong.

“It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering.” ~ Byron Katie

Body lying on a bed, feeling what the mind is thinking.

Failing to notice the joy of the space, the support, the slowness. Failing to notice no check needs to be written in the middle of the night, right at that moment.

All else, perfectly in order, perfectly on time.

Life, offering something. Person reacting to it and believing. Person believing the thought that believing a thought was wrong.

A lovely inquirer in Year of Inquiry said in passing in our call last Saturday “that Rumi poem about staring at the wound, that one…”

It’s one of my favorites, and I read it at retreats quite often.

I opened it up later to re-read it, and bring it to this memory of an imagined anxious sleepless night, noticing the intensity and beauty of that weekend and the turning within, the awareness. The invitation.

Look.

Look again.

Who are you, without your thoughts, even in that past memory of anxiety?

Who are you without your thoughts that having anxious thoughts is terrible, or wrong or unenlightened?

Healing the past, in the present moment of inquiry.

Calling back the past “see, it’s OK, it always was. Relax, relax.”

Kind to the anxious one. Willing to question.

“Trust your wound to a teacher’s surgery.
Flies collect on a wound.
They cover it, those flies of your self-protecting feelings,
your love for what you think is yours.
Let a Teacher wave away the flies and put a plaster on the wound.
Don’t turn your head.
Keep looking at the bandaged place.
That’s where
the Light enters you.
And don’t believe for a moment that you’re healing yourself.”
~ Rumi

If you have a past memory that surfaces, an experience of something “wrong” with you, with others, with life….

….you can believe your thoughts (how brilliant that you have done so) and you can also answer four questions and find turnarounds and un-believe your thoughts.

We can keep looking at the wounds, and not turn our heads.

Letting the light enter us.

If you want to, join me and the wonderful Tom Compton as we support you in healing the anxious mind with The Work.

Everyone, experienced to beginner, is welcome.

We meet Dec 1-6, 2020 with two sessions a day (Pacific Time) and 4 hours in between for partner pairing and digesting and silence. Every session recorded for those who need to miss and listen later because of timezone.

We have wonderful things planned and the unplanned will present itself, as it always does, to hold us in steady joy and silence in the background of it all.

We can’t wait to be in the adventure.

Still room for a few more. Read more and sign up here. Sliding scale $375 – $895 for six days.

We prepare for winter, on the inside, on the outside.

The immense gift of inquiry: noticing reality is kind. Noticing reality is a teacher. Noticing reality can be trusted.

Astonishing.

Much love,
Grace

May 11, 2017

Leaving everything you know behind, one thought at a time

There’s nothing like the gathering of people who come together to learn and do The Work.

Yesterday was Day #1 of the four day spring cleaning retreat. The rain drizzled, then pattered on the roof, with bright round pink, white, magenta rhododendrons drinking up the rain outside.

I could feel the excitement beforehand of meeting people I’ve never met before, seeing old friends come again to do The Work.

And so, we began at the beginning. Finding a moment we felt disturbed by. A time of trouble that when we think about it now, we’re still sad, sore, angry, confused.

Everyone had a situation. Everyone could find what they thought about it, answering the questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet that help us catch all the stressful, nasty, negative, terrifying, critical, frustrating, sad thoughts about just one situation.

We didn’t have to consider all of life, or everything we’ve ever been troubled by.

Only one situation.

You get to start with the one on top.

It doesn’t have to go fast. It doesn’t have to be too big a mouthful. It doesn’t have to be more than we can handle.

It can start where it starts. Just one moment in time you remember where that other person, thing, or place did something you didn’t like. It hurt.

It’s a wonderful way to not get overwhelmed, overstimulated, wildly full of expectation to change your entire world (or that whole relationship) and everything you’ve ever opposed (although you could be surprised by what happens, when you question just one situation).

The beauty I see and feel in the room, in everyone’s faces, when they begin this work together is so gorgeous. It reminded me once again of this profound poetry of David Whyte, read by him. The mystery of awakening.

Take a few minutes and listen today. Close your eyes.

Then, if something’s been bothering you, again….write it down. Ask four questions, turn it around.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Come do The Work at Breitenbush! I love this retreat. It’s amazing to settle into the summer Pacific Northwest forest. It’s an emerald green fairy land. The cabins are so toasty warm, heated by the natural springs (the entire place is run on heat and electricity generated by the water). The beds are cozy. It’s pitch dark at night. The food is amazing. And there are none of the usual distractions like TV or internet or noise to distract you. A deep sinking-in place to soak in The Work. And soak your body in the mineral waters in between sessions. Join me. Call soon to get lodging before it fills.

March 21, 2016

You know that improvement thing you should do?

youshouldbe One of the strangest experiences some of us have about change or learning or inviting something new into our lives….

….is when something is right in front of us, and we’re intrigued, and we even know it’s helped others and we’re pretty sure there’s something good about it for us….

….but we don’t get around to it.

I really should start doing yoga.
I really should get into meditating daily, like I used to.
Doing The Work would be a great practice for me.
I should stop eating so much. Or smoking.
I really should learn to communicate better with my partner.
I should start a savings account, I should pay off my house, I should quit wasting time on the computer.

But.

What is that….the “but”?

It’s like some other voice, or thought, or idea unconsciously comes up to meet this interesting plan about doing things differently and says:

NO!

Not enough time. Not enough energy. Not enough guarantee that it will work. Not enough motivation.

And then do you notice what typically happens?

Self-flagellation. Kicking yourself with your own thinking. Listing all the reasons why you’re a loser.

Not everyone does this, but if you do….you’re not alone. (I raise my hand, I’m great at this strategy).

Have you ever noticed this interesting result of self-hating thoughts?

Hacking yourself apart mentally has this weird way of detracting you from actually changing.

You enter punishment mode, so now, you’re busy.

Gosh….and you don’t actually have to look at the deets on what’s occurring that results in No Change.

Here’s a great question to ask, to get you started.

If you made this change, if you added this activity into your life, if you implemented this behavior, if you quit that thing you don’t really enjoy doing….

….what do you believe you would have?

This is the season of taxes in the USA. The other day I had to start getting all my documents and itemizations and totals ready to hand over to the accountant. My annual income is better than ever. I’ve never earned so much in my life (this isn’t saying much–but that’s another story). Which means, I owe taxes.

Just the very act of looking at the year and having to answer questions about what expenses were for, I started feeling uncomfortable. So uncomfortable, I had the thought “it would be better to never earn any money than have to tell other people, like an accountant, what I spent things on”.

Flash Thought during the money conversations: I need to win the lottery.

But what would I have if I had a lottery win?

I’d be able to be frivolous with some expenditures. I could give money away freely. I wouldn’t have to think about how to responsibly attend to every penny. I could go on my meditation retreats and spend money on all the spiritual type things I do without guilt!

I could NOT have the conversation about business expenses because…..who should have opened a Self-Employment Pension SEP thingie (I didn’t know what it was either until yesterday)? Not me! I wouldn’t have to be responsible that way and have to worry about such stupid things as the future.

Leave me alone! I’m trying to meditate!

Many people resolve to make changes that change their health, or their relationships.

But they don’t actually do it.

What are you avoiding?

This is a serious question. The flip side to what would you have, if you had this thing you desire in the future.

For me (for starters), I imagine through winning some big amount of money I’d be free to spend no questions asked, and I’d avoid the criticism of others about all these retreats I attend. I’d do the SEP thingie, and still get to have fun.

I don’t stop there…..I keep going with the inquiry to dig into the underlying beliefs.

What would I have if I were free to spend on retreats no questions asked?

Happiness, relaxation, fun, excitement, understanding, acceptance.

What would I avoid, if I went on all these retreats?

The drudgery part of needing to earn money, count money, set aside money, pay taxes with money, “work” at promotion, growth, announcing my retreats, getting clients.

What would I have, and avoid, then?

Gulp.

Now we’re getting down to the nitty gritty rock bottom dark stories. Sometimes, they’re embarrassing.

My story is with lots of won money, I could avoid the unknown future, “needing” money, fear of not having enough, fear of not being useful or making a difference, and fear of not being very good at what I do and not helping anyone (because I wouldn’t be trying).

I could gain safety from all this.

I am also afraid of peoples’ jealousy (if I won a bunch of money) and thinking I should give some to everyone I know who needs it (quite a few people, I see in my mind).

So you see….

…..by exploring closely the tiny moment of stress I experienced in a meeting to talk about income and taxes…..

…..I see what frightens me about the future, or the past, and takes me away from this present moment now.

You can do this with any thought you have about what you should be doing so that your life would be improved.

(We look at this deeply in Eating Peace work, for example, to explore why we might want to be eating, instead of raking ourselves through the coals with condemning thoughts to punish ourselves for doing it).

Who would I be without the belief that it would be easier or more fun or offer freedom to have a ton of lottery-won money right now?

Noticing I’m resting comfortably on a beautiful cream-colored couch, in my lovely sweet living room, feeling this room, and this body, and this life. Hearing wind chimes ring.

Turning the thoughts around:

I should not do yoga–I could try only one small simple class for the joy of it, and I don’t “have to” do anything.
I notice I love sitting quietly, again no “have to”.
Doing The Work is great practice for me. I join with others to share in it (so much fun). It’s the inner adventure of a lifetime, and a joy beyond belief.
I should keep eating, or smoking, to understand why I do it and sort out the internal workings of my soul…until I’m done.
I really should learn to communicate better with myself, and it will naturally be better with the world.
I should not start a savings account, I should not pay off my house, there is no wasting time. Not out of fear, only out of pleasure.

Every time I truly wish for something different, and tell myself I should be doing it….I’m at war with what is.

I’m either thinking something’s missing in the present, or I’m avoiding something frightening about the future.

So yesterday, I spoke up.

I said to my husband, after the accountant meeting, “I’m worrying right now that you might be judging me for spending so much on retreats last year.”

You know what he said?

“No, not at all. You were investing in yourself. And maybe I have some ideas on how you could prepare better for tax time, and save a little.”

No resentment, no criticism, no fear.

“A thought may arise: ‘It’s okay now, but it’s going to be different when I step out the door’….Stop right here! Don’t think more–it is quite enough. Don’t say more–it is quite enough. Don’t strive more–it is quite enough. Now, don’t touch any idea of moving forward–simply rest as This, as it is, without that, as it could be. Now drop the idea of being This.” ~ Mooji

Who would you be without your list of shoulds?

Much love,

Grace

January 7, 2016

Full of longing? Good.

Longing.

I wish…..

If only…..

The floating images through the mind that dream, sometimes with great angst, of a different future.

We’ve all been there.

I wish I had a soul mate
I wish I was back with that Other life partner
I wish I had a million dollars
I wish I could lose weight
I wish I had a nice place to live
I wish I could win
I wish I could create that awesome thing (book, song, movie, Ted Talk, organization, law, new world order)

I love looking more deeply at wishes.

The passion of desire, especially the kind where you can’t help yourself, you just keep pursuing it…..

…..can be a Great Adventure.

And yes, sometimes quite infuriating and disappointing.

But what if you stopped, and considered what you really want that thing, that event, that experience, that person…..for?

What would it give you, if you had it?

For example, a million bucks.

What would I have, if I had a million dollars.

OK, here’s something hilarious that just happened–my mind immediately said make it 10 million and now we’re talking.

So, let’s multiply it by ten.

What would I have?

Wow Wee, I would have security, freedom, independence, fun, adventure, excitement. I would be able to give generously. I’d feel completely secure for life. I’d feel genius about taking care of my kids and offering the best possible opportunities.

I would finally be able to be fully creative and figure out the best most genius program ever for helping people end compulsive or addictive or dependent trances…..food or otherwise.

Honestly?

I’d probably move into a bigger house and get a nicer car that’s not about to break down. And new hard wood floors….in the current house. Which I’d keep.

Sigh.

My lifestyle is so much lower than when I grew up.

Fume.

Notice the comparison that happens, when I believe I want that other thing (visions of the past, or images from movies, magazines, friends, family, neighbors).

Over there it looks like THAT. (Lots of good, sparkly stuff).

Over here it looks like THIS. (Lots of run down, old, ugly stuff).

Wait.

Did she say something about ending “dependent trances”?

Hmmmmm. Right.

Let’s keep going.

Who would you be without the belief that ten million dollars would offer safety, fun, independence….and that I don’t already have contact with all of those things?

Am I safe? Check. Having fun? Check. Independent? Very. Enjoying myself? Weeee! Adventure? Amazing.

And the thing is….

….if I didn’t feel any of these things a whole lot, or I wanted to feel them more….

….I could turn the volume up on the sensations, and find examples of how true they are, and bask in them RIGHT NOW.

In the Work of Byron Katie we speak of “living turnarounds”.

The way to live the opposite of your stressful thinking, and celebrate peaceful, joyful thinking instead.

What would it look like?

What would you do, if you lived it?

What would it feel like, if you felt it?

Now that’s a fun exercise.

And I don’t have to wish, or wait, to enjoy what I really wanted to enjoy in the first place.

Awesome.

Longing, felt fully, carries us to belonging.

~ Tara Brach, in Radical Acceptance

Much love, Grace

P.S. If you want to enter the feeling of being someone who lives with Eating Peace….only two weeks from today we’ll be practicing and feeling it for three full days in Seattle. It can stop the discouraged pattern of overeating, comfort eating, boredom eating…and allow you to enter what it’s like to feel peace instead. Hit reply with questions about signing up.

December 26, 2015

I have to stretch right now…..a story of suffering.

Meetup today! 2-4 pm at Goldilocks Cottage in northeast Seattle.

**************

fear — But I really have to do that RIGHT NOW….are you sure?

I was pregnant with my son (he is now 21 years old).

It was the beginning of the sixth month.

I looked down in amazement, for the hundredth time, at the way the belly stretched out in a round smooth balloon shape.

I was observing the process of a life coming into form, and simply….

….move itself along.

I still frequently remember this moment vividly.

Because, even though I continuously was fascinated, almost in awe of having this experience…..

….something that day was different.

Suddenly, I realized it was not “my” belly.

I was looking at “a” human belly that was doing it’s own thing and was being run by the universe, or God, or Life (whatever you like calling the great mystery of it all).

It was like there was something watching the whole thing, being stunned and amazed at having no idea how this all happens, or why, or wherefore, and awareness of not being in charge whatsoever.

And then a voice inside said to me like hearing someone talk out loud practically…..

…..remember how great it is to stretch?

The feeling of stretching like a cat to the ceiling and sucking in as the stomach flattens.

The sensation of languidly reaching.

The sensation of breathing deeply, then raising arms over a head, and feeling the back bone and stomach come much closer together, all the organs and guts and everything inside the torso moving with a slight back bend and a melting in and up.

I used to do gymnastics, but it had been a long time since a back bend or a walkover.

Except right NOW….

….I can’t do that. I’m pregnant.

Then, an inner voice, yelling.

DON’T THINK ABOUT WANTING THAT!!

You can’t have it!!!!!

A little wave of fear coursed through me.

This body can’t do that move in this condition. It will be a long time, many many weeks, until stretching like that is possible.

I know this sounds really melodramatic, right?

Oh My God what a TERRIBLE thought……

……to want to stretch and not be able to!

But it was weirdly serious, strangely full of warning. Do not go beyond this point.

You are in a course of events that are unknown, and all you can do is go along for the ride.

Do NOT wish for something right now that is not possible in reality.

Including the simple act of stretching.

That would be painful.

Now, when I think about how vivid and clear that moment was, it’s like a foggy window got completely wiped free, or a round circle got popped out with those fancy and brilliant glass cutters.

But it’s kind of weird to talk about it, because who has such a moment of insight about not being able to stretch during pregnancy!

Not being able to stretch is so no big deal. What a weirdo.

But I STILL remember that moment, and some unexplained wisdom appearing from within that KNEW that spending anything more than the split second I did of longing for something different….

….was a way to create suffering for myself.

Actually to create it out of thin air.

Wanting something that wasn’t possible.

Wow.

I could wait until later.

I would HAVE to, in fact.

I knew right then that going with the flow of what was happening was far, far, far easier than complaining internally about what was happening in my body and what I couldn’t do at the moment.

What I didn’t see at the time, was the wisdom of how this applied to absolutely everything about reality.

I had no idea.

If I argue with what is going on in my life, the natural trajectory I am not controlling….

….then I will lose the argument.

The arguing itself will give me nothing but angst and suffering, frustration, wishing, longing, sadness, annoyance.

“Am I better off making up an alternate reality in my mind and then fighting with reality to make it be my way, or am I better off letting go of what I want and serving the same forces of reality that managed to create the entire perfection of the universe around me?” ~ Michael Singer in The Surrender Experiment

Today, I love that right in this moment (I just did it) I stood up and stretched to the ceiling.

Now, it turns out, is good for stretching in this body.

But that hasn’t always been the case, and there will be a time again in the future when it isn’t again.

If you find your mind is upset about what you can’t do, have, achieve, accomplish….

….question your need to do that right NOW.

It’s not about giving up dreams or visions, or falling into an uncaring depressed apathy.

Just noticing who you would be without the belief you need to stretch, when you absolutely can’t in this moment?

“Perfection is another name for reality. The only way you can see anything as imperfect is if you believe a thought about it. ‘It’s inadequate, it’s ugly, it’s unfair, it’s flawed’—is that true? This chipped coffee cup on the table: how beautiful it is when you simply look at it, without any thought of what it should be.” ~ Byron Katie

Are you truly interested in ending my way of thinking that results in suffering?

Yes, Yes, Yes.

Much love,

Grace

December 14, 2015

The Little Yellow Card

I love how people enter The Work in all kinds of ways.

The other day someone who came to a meetup for the first time, knowing absolutely nothing about The Work, left with a delighted look in her eyes.

She had never read anything by Byron Katie, or tried The Work, before our meetup.

She simply trusted that her friend, who invited her, might be onto something interesting.

I love that some people dive in and follow the simple directions.

They write down their stressful thoughts about a person who’s bothering them, or a situation they find disturbing.

They take only one of the thoughts they’ve written, and apply the four questions.

There is no major motive to get somewhere else.

There is no vision about where they should be.

They know they feel pain about the relationship or concern, and they’re willing to try answering a few questions about it, slowing down, considering if what they’re assuming is actually true or not.

Today, if you’re not sure which way to go about something (or perhaps many things) that you find upsetting….

….instead of trying to analyze it further, or resolve it right now, or fix it, or feel better about it…..

….just ask these questions and see what happens, without any expectations whatsoever:

Is what you’re thinking actually true?

Is it absolutely true?

What happens, how do you react, when you’re thinking that thought, in that situation?

Who would you be without your thought, in that very same situation?

Then find turnarounds, or opposites, to your thought.

(Sometimes this is the tricky part, but even that’s OK….you’ll catch on).

Byron Katie suggested during an event once that I attended that if you felt stuck, but noticed you were talking to yourself and telling yourself stressful things in your own mind (things that made you sad, scared, or angry)….

….and you were too freaked out to sit down with a pen and paper and do The Work….

….why you could simply ask a stranger on the street to ask you the four questions (while handing them a card with the questions printed on it).

Katie has these little yellow cards called, well, the Little Yellow Card.

What I love about this idea is how simple it is.

It’s the simplest thing in the world to answer (or ask) four questions, and find turnarounds to what you’re thinking.

You don’t need something special to do The Work.

You can find someone nearby, and see if they’ll ask you the questions about something you find painful.

There’s really no right or wrong.

There’s just doing it.

“The future depends on what you do today.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

Much love, Grace

P.S. Two things already filling I better tell you about: 1) Eating Peace 3 Day Retreat Jan 22-24 Seattle and 2) Money Love Story 8 week telecourse Thursdays 1/14-3/10 2-3:30 pm. More about them soon! xo

September 27, 2015

Kiss The Feet of The Master by Investigating your thoughts

On my walk during retreat lunch break--silence, brilliance, joy Kissing the feet of the master — On my walk during retreat lunch break–silence, brilliance, joy. Kissing the feet of the master

I just spent three days in The Work.

Gathering with a group, writing down thoughts, asking people the four questions one by one, answering the questions internally, listening, watching minds scamper around, connecting with others in deep honesty, questioning again, sharing very authentically, dropping in deeper.

This was retreat.

The past three days were so sweet, like eating the most delicious food in the entire world.

I looked around the room gathered with 15 people and thought of them all as the most unique, fascinating, adorable, courageous, willing people.

Many of them part of a Year of Inquiry. A handful simply coming to do The Work, to learn it, to apply it and “do” it for the very first time. Everyone is welcome on the two retreats I do per year (the next one is May 13-15 by the way).

A feeling of great joy filled my body and heart for the entire retreat, the intention, purpose and sincere beauty seen in questioning the mind.

Warm, thrilled, touched, connected.

Looking at a circle of people, for me, was not always this way.

At one time, if I was one member in a circle of 15, including myself, I would have been sizing up everyone as fast as you can say Jackie Robinson.

If I was the facilitator (by some some weird fluke)…..oh boy.

Kill me now. My heart would have been beating fast, I would have had adrenaline. I would have wondered how I got to be leader, was there some mistake?

I would have been judging who I needed to be careful of, who was mentally off, who was needy, who was a blabber mouth, who needed psychological counseling, who to avoid.

My mind would have been the #1 sound, running the show with great precision and speed.

So proud of itself at the helm. So shiny and strong and genius.

And well….ok…..

…..I still think of the mind as an astonishing genius. It still comes up with ideas that are so crazed and insane and loving and hilarious they’re ah-mazing.

But I get the idea now, the truly tear-filled idea, that I do not have to believe everything I think.

Wow.

Who would all of us be without our very sad, or very traumatic, or very tragic, desperate, or empty stories about our lives?

This isn’t something that comes in the snap of two fingers.

For three days, with beautiful meal breaks and bathroom breaks and silent walks and nights to ourselves sleeping, most of us looked at one situation that brought deep disturbance to our peace.

A daughter who lied.
A wife who might embarrass her husband.
A sister who died young.
Husbands who didn’t care, didn’t love, didn’t treat his wife fairly.
A body that gained weight.
Supervisors at work who criticized.
A mother who was mentally ill.
A mother who never succeeded and wasted her life.

These seem like small slices of the whole big pie of life, right?

Sometimes, one situation seems like such minutiae.

That one five-minute moment where I felt suffering.

Could I really find freedom if I question that one thing, that one situation, that one interval out of my whole existence?

Yes.

Try it.

Answer the questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet about only one tiny (or very big) interaction with a person in your life who disappointed you, angered you, or made you truly sad.

Not yourself.

It’ll come back to you anyway.

Just trust the process and watch your judgments towards another person.

Give the judgments a voice instead of ramming them underground or deciding you need a lobotomy or hating yourself or doing positive affirmations.

Don’t be such a meanie to your own mind and your own thoughts.

Let them all be there.

Have you tried to CHANGE your thoughts, with aggression? Have you said things like “I’m such a sh*$ I really need to get this together” or “if only I could stop thinking this thought” or “what the hell is wrong with me”?

Well, now you can try another way.

I notice the self-condemnation doesn’t work. It would have worked by now, if it was going to work, I notice.

How about you?

Instead……

……Halleluia, you’re thinking a stressful thought!! You hate someone, you’re really annoyed, they’re driving you bonkers, you can’t stand it, you lost someone!

Let this passion live and come out on to the paper.

This past three days I saw what happens when people explore a situation they experienced as suffering, with The Work. This is what happens when they don’t tell themselves they better stop thinking….or else….

….I call it Love.

At least, it feels like love to me.

“No one knows how to let go, but anyone can learn exactly how to question a stressful thought….After that questioning, you can’t ever be the same. You may end up doing something or doing nothing, but however life unfolds, you’ll be coming from a place of greater confidence and peace.” ~ Stephen Mitchell (married to Byron Katie) in 1000 Names For Joy Introduction

Even if YOU do not see exactly how you are changing, or you throw another log on the fire of hating-what-is and you say something like “I can’t do this questioning thing” or “it doesn’t work for me.”

Your path is very exquisite and unique.

Questioning your situations must become your own.

And it can, and must, become your own inquiry.

Your life is all about being with you and who you are, is it not?

I saw people give themselves this incredible opportunity these past three days to study themselves very closely.

It was soooooo inspiring.

Find YOUR way into self-inquiry. You might wonder if your stressful beliefs are true, and wonder if you’re worthy, or desirable, or important, or loved.

You are.

At least, that’s what I keep seeing as I connect with people in The Work.

People I’m so in love with.

This is one of the things that has happened over time, with the capacity to inquire: I love the people I sit with in a circle.

It is no longer alarming, or something to worry about.

Even if I get a little excited and have damp underarms the first day, and notice my body feels a little electric and on and awake….

….it no longer feels frightening.

Holy Holy Moly that is FANTASTIC for someone with all those pounding judgments in the past, and so much hesitation and caution.

I LOVE EVERYONE.

Then I turn this thought around and realize….

….I’m so in love with me, too.

“Gratitude, you could say, is what remains of the experience of humility. That’s my favorite position. It’s a sense of kissing the ground, licking the ground for its pure deliciousness, kissing the feet of the master that is everything without exception. There is such a sense of thankfulness for no longer being the person who thinks she knows and who has to live life out of that limited, claustrophobic mind.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

Much Love,

Grace

P.S. Starting a special inquiry circle in Seattle second Sunday of every month from November 8 until June 12 (time TBD). Eight sessions. For those of you who love in-person rather than phone and want to keep inquiry alive so you can practice falling in to love and out of the limited, claustrophobic mind.

August 29, 2015

The Advantages of Computers Dying? Really?

Well, this is a little awkward and embarrassing.

My trusty laptop which goes with me everywhere, blitzed itself into a total crash here in England.

I was told the electrical adapter to recharge it would not be a problem, and would work beautifully.

Looks like it worked beautifully to turn the entire screen black and make it continuously turn on and crash over and over and over.

ARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!

This is NOT good because people are enrolling in Year of Inquiry right now. My computer has record of everyone signed up. We begin only two days after I return home. (I have a back up at home of my entire computer, but…..MY COMPUTER HAS TO WORK RIGHT NOW!)

I have to send everyone all the dial-in information!

And I have to be able to communicate with everyone (like I am right now, ahem).

Almost as my mind is yelling things right and left, I am also wondering what the answers are to the question…..

…..how could this be interesting, or useful, or curious, or something that is not a problem at all, something good?

Ach…let’s not get carried away….good? Seriously?

But doing The Work is not about forcing yourself to find wonderful, joyful things about something rather frustrating, it’s about investigating for the full picture.

Because the mind doesn’t have it.

Ever.

I find immediately, when I question this “terrible” event (computer breaking) I find the computer is completely unrequired at this exact moment, and basically for my entire journey through England.

There are ways to communicate with everyone signed up for Year of Inquiry and upcoming events.

And they might contact me if they’re wondering what’s going on or have a question.

And look….here I am writing a Grace Note on someone else’s computer, immediately lent to me the minute I asked.

When I think the thought “this shouldn’t be happening” my stomach crunches up, I feel tense, I clench my teeth, my mind races to weird scenarios of inability to connect, people trying to reach me and me trying to reach people and nothing working.

There’s a general sense of deep separation, hollowly floating in outer space in darkness, all alone with nothing in sight.

Which is the very same vision with far more serious stressful thoughts.

Such as “my friend is going to die” or “I want a divorce” or “I shouldn’t have taken this job” or “I can’t stop eating” or “my business is failing”.

The other day I walked on Roman ruins from a town called Vindolanda that was thriving for several hundred years, almost 2000 years ago.

I also walked the previous day among stones placed by people in a huge circle in a field 5000 years ago.

It was impossible not to consider the temporary nature of human life.

Even living 90 years is a blip on planet earth, the blink of an eye.

I had this one fascinating thought while walking quietly under the wide open sky with wind blowing in gusts so hard I couldn’t hold open my map of the Roman ruin town site:

Feeling stressed about being temporary is the only “problem” I’ve ever had.

What if what is happening right now IS brief and temporary and this is the way of it, the way it should be?

I notice something else always happens next, after something “terrible” (or something wonderful) happens.

Have you?

Who would you be, who would I be, who are you already, who am I already, without the belief that something breaking down (a computer, a body, a life, a relationship, a career) is bad news?

It doesn’t mean I have to love the news.

I might be uncomfortable, disturbed, nervous….maybe even afraid.

If someone said “you have 3 days to live” it would be very odd, very surreal, perhaps terrifying, perhaps exciting….I don’t know.

That’s the thing…..

…..we don’t know.

It would be so wonderful to KNOW but the deal is, it’s not possible to know.

There is no reason, it appears. for why my computer crashed, but I can find very easily how it makes me stop, and focus on what is relevant and in front of me at the moment, and to trust that I will handle this issue when I can, which may not be until I return to Seattle.

There is no emergency.

Even in other forms of crashing, dying, ending…..without the mind, without thinking, is there an actual emergency?

“To face the totality of life we must face the reality of death, sorrow, and loss as well. We must face them as unavoidable aspects of life….By embracing the tragic quality of life we come upon a depth of love that can love ‘in spite of’ this tragic quality. Even though your heart may be broken a thousand times, this unlimited love reaches across the multitude of sorrows of life and always triumphs. It triumphs by directly facing tragedy, by relenting to its fierce grace, and embracing it in spite of the reflex to protect ourselves.” ~ Adyashanti

So it may not be my favorite thing that my computer appears broken.

It may break my heart that my friend is so sick right now with cancer and suffers deeply.

It may worry me that my son sometimes feels very anxious and doesn’t know why. Or that my daughter will be living a life containing many experiences I couldn’t ever know about.

But I can understand all this, and I can stay with it closely. Aware of it, not enraged or desperate about any of it. Willing to be with it all, without having any answers.

Answers are not required to be here.

Open hands.

Feeling love for everything, even my beautiful friendly computer lying there all shut down and unused and unhelpful.

Maybe there are advantages.

It’s showing me what’s still around without it.

The mind is like that too.

Without stressful thinking, I look around and see windows, a bird’s nest, air, space, bed, blanket, butter-yellow walls, a brown jug on the window sill, daughter showing me a trailer on her cell phone, heart beating, movement, pulse, life, sounds, emptiness.

Much Love,

Grace

P.S. Despite the computer break downs, Year of Inquiry does still start on September 8th. It’s a most magnificent way to practice doing The Work and letting your mind finally rest. Room for 3 more.

August 14, 2015

The Easiest Way To Not Believe Everything You Think (and signing up for YOI)

I’m so excited to see who is enrolling in Year of Inquiry.

I feel like I’m meeting the remarkable group who will be joining me for an intimate year in looking into reality.

We’re interested in seeing what is really true, and what isn’t, and practicing using imagination and awareness of what is present to see more clearly.

Recently in a group I was facilitating something happened which happens ALL THE TIME.

An inquirer read her worksheet in our telesession and we began to do The Work.

I asked her the four questions, starting with “Is it true?” (I love that question).

Everyone who could relate closely to this very same stressful thinking shared their own experience, and when we got to the turnarounds, the woman who started the inquiry on her stressful situation was stumped.

“I have no idea how I could turn this thought around, I can’t find an example.”

I asked everyone on the call if they could find anything, an example that might fit.

Someone found an example from a friend’s life.

Then someone else found another example from their own life.

Someone else then said they had an example that she could find that might work for the inquirer’s life, based on what the inquirer had shared about her situation.

When we were done investigating and looking at all the turnarounds, the person who had started with her terribly stressful situation, her worksheet, her despair…..

…..shared the thing that happens all the time.

“I would have never found these possibilities, if it had not been for all of you on this call. Thank you soooooo much. I think I’ve made a crack in this belief system. I can see how closed I was to any other option. I really couldn’t have done this on my own, sitting here doing The Work by myself in my living room.”

I can relate.

When I was doing The Work by myself, I wanted to hit the road doing something else ASAP.

Just whiz by and feel lighter.

The last thing I wanted to do was sit with something agonizing, or horrible, or sad.

This morning an inquirer who has been in Year of Inquiry for the entire year (we were all saying goodbye this morning) shared that she was woken up at 7 am by a phone call from work, asking that she respond immediately.

(It involved someone speaking Russian with such a thick accent, she could barely understand the request).

She did all she could for her job, but then said…..

……”Excuse me now, I have an important meeting on the phone.”

Our YOI call.

She shared with us how she’s learned that inquiry is top priority, her most important work.

It trumps everything else.

She shared that even if she wanted to keep working and handle that apparently critical issue, it was more critical that she was here, with us on our phone call.

The most important thing I do in my life is question my stressful thinking.

Only this changes my suffering, in the most efficient, direct way.

Yes, hard things still happen.

Scary, sad, surprising things. Things I sometimes think I can’t handle.

But with inquiry, I understand it is the way of it.

I am a human being having a life, feeling what its like to be a truly free human.

Knowing this in the end…..that all is very well indeed, no matter what I’m thinking.

Because I don’t have to believe everything I think.

It’s all going the way it goes, anyway, no matter what I think, right? I may as well enjoy the ride.

If you’re joining Year of Inquiry, you’re in for a treat (I sure am).

Tomorrow’s the early-bird registration deadline. I know a lot of you are about to say “yes” and I am so honored. I bring my deepest love, creativity and ever-evolving way of working with mind to this new year.

It will be a good one. We’ll do new things, we’ll try new ways.

Below are buttons to sign up for 2015-2016 Year of Inquiry (sorry for those of you who have been trying on my web page). Hopefully this makes it easier! I’m a goofball with the links sometimes!

If you’re new and haven’t yet filled out the Q & A application form, so I can get to know you, please do so right here.

And welcome aboard.

Click here for Year of Inquiry full program with retreats in Seattle

Click here for Year of Inquiry TeleSessions Only

If you need a payment plan for the year, now’s the time to ask. I will make it work for you if at all possible.

Much love,

Grace

July 28, 2015

Inquiry: A New Pair of Glasses

newglasses — Inquiry: a new pair of glasses

When I left my very first School for The Work of Byron Katie in March 2005, my feet hardly touched the ground.

I looked at the whole world with a new pair of eyes.

I kept shaking my head in disbelief, thinking….

….wow.

I’ve never seen the sidewalk, people, carpet, airplanes, cars, water fountains, life….like this before.

I know that sounds a little cray-cray.

But there was an inner revolution happening called looking-without- certainty-what-I-think-is-true.

It’s not necessarily all roses and rainbows.

Not knowing what is true can be strange and disconcerting. At least for that mind that loves having a task, and Knowing Stuff.

Some of the floating, amazed, wondrous feeling I experienced, however, fizzled away just a bit over time.

I actually didn’t sleep more than 4-5 hours a night for 9 months.

I felt like I was riding a strange, unknown, wave….

….and my life was turning upside down.

The insight, when I look back, came first, before all the super-huge changes.

First, I raised my hand to do inquiry. I read Loving What Is, then I went to the School for nine days.

I knew I wanted to challenge my assumptions. I wanted to do this more than I wanted stability, certainty, or guarantees.

I was really moved by wanting to understand the truth for myself, not through any doctrine, or ideal, or religious or spiritual teaching (even though I loved the religious groups I had been a part of). I did not want to suffer. I had suffered so greatly, I wanted out.

I didn’t even want a special teacher. I didn’t want Katie herself to be my guru (and I soon realized she didn’t want that either).

I wanted life, and my own inner mystery and source, to be my guru.

But I really did want to take my newfound capacity to inquire, after that first school, into an alive, expanding practice.

I wanted to do The Work all the time.

What would that look like?

I noticed, after a little while, I didn’t do The Work every day like when I first got home.

I could hardly keep up, it sometimes seemed, with the quantity of stressful thoughts my mind would spew out.

Then more days stretched between reacting, and sitting down and doing The Work. More days would go by without me writing a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on stressful experiences I encountered.

Sometimes I would sit down, though, and write with great concentration and depth about a situation that had disturbed me.

Then I would have such sweet awareness. I loved it so much, I loved the investigation. I loved the lightness.

I am so lucky.

A friend called, who I had met at that very same first school, and asked if I wanted to become partners in inquiry together.

I knew immediately to say yes.

We met on the phone every single Monday morning at 8 am Pacific Time. I was unemployed, looking for work, and she had Mondays off. She lived several states away.

We had no idea how long we would go, how much we wanted to do it, what would result.

It was amazingly good.

Almost every Monday, without fail, we met for two hours on the phone (I didn’t have skype yet or know what it was). Yes, I was actually holding a phone, putting it on speaker phone for some of the time, for two hours. We hardly missed a Monday for two years.

I inquired into my own very stressful and painful thoughts. She inquired into hers. We almost always had whole Judge Your Neighbor worksheets written out. We held each other to inquiry.

I also gathered with almost 20 people for a reunion, all of whom had been at that same very first School for The Work. Many of us traveled by plane and car to get to the home of the wonderful man who hosted us all.

We created our own Morning Walk (a silent walking meditation offered by Byron Katie). We partnered up for inquiry sessions. We shared meals and talked into the night about questioning thought.

It was brilliant to stay connected to others doing The Work, and to practice, practice, practice without it being a demand, or a chore, or something I was supposed to do.

I’m sure, today, having these experiences made me realize how gathering a group to join for inquiry practice is essential for some of us.

At least, if you’re like moi.

Creating a group format or structure is not just kinda nice, like a hobby or something….

….It’s a life changer.

It’s the difference between actually inquiring into stressful thought, and thinking it’s a good idea but not trying it.

Which is, I am sure, why I kept going and kept doing it and kept participating and kept pressing on.

Inquiry became so deeply interesting, it finally stuck inside in a way that grew more automatic.

But here’s the thing that may surprise you.

I STILL notice a gap between the stressful experience occurring in my life (an exchange with a person, an issue with money, trouble in the physical body) and beginning inquiry.

My mind kicks into gear with reaction, with contemplating something, noticing, wondering, uncertainty, fear, emptiness….

….and I’ll be following a trail of thoughts, maybe even down a rabbit hole within a few minutes….

….before *ping*….

….Grace, you could inquire. You could do The Work. Remember? The questions? Is it true? Are you sure?

Ohhhhh. Right.

Wow, that mind is a speedy one.

What a genius project manager!

Which is why I personally love entering inquiry every single day, with other people.

It’s incredible. It’s built into my daily life. For all I know, it’s saving my life.

I’m the one who needed, apparently, the constant contact of doing The Work with others. Groups, individuals, classes, meetups, retreats, intensives, immersions.

And one of my favorite things in all the world is being able to pick up my phone, or dial in with skype and my headphones, and have people show up from all over the world to answer the four questions together.

It’s a unified spirit of dissolving our personal suffering.

What could be more supportive and incredible than that?

Pretty soon, the Year of Inquiry program will open for applications and sign-ups. This is a collective spirit of coming together, with a new topic to guide us, every month for a year.

We start in September.

Our tele-sessions are Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays at three distinctly different hours so your time zone might fit. Come to one session, or come to all.

Retreats (optional) are in September 2015 and May 2016. (They’re awesome).

If you’ve been wondering how to stay in touch with your own inquiry, if you’d like to have a group to carry you through a year of identifying and expanding your mind to understand your own inner life (and outer life, too, I find) then consider joining us this year.

Curious and want to know details?

Click HERE to read all about it. (You can fill out the info/application form there if you’re ready. Decisions made by August 15th.)

Much love,

Grace