If I had six figures….I’d be more successful….are you sure?

I can’t wait to hear the people who get up on stage and so bravely share themselves vulnerably with a room full of about 300-500 people.

Wow.

That’s a lot!

And many of these folks who get to do The Work with Katie will be filmed and recorded, and the conversations they have with Katie will go on youtube and head out onto the internet, inspiring others to also investigate suffering.

 

It’s a pretty courageous act to be willing to expose oneself in this way.

A very long time ago, when I was in the hospital inpatient treatment program for eating disorders, I got to write my autobiography.

At first, I was soooooo grossed out.

Write down the horrible details of my addictive and painful process?

For other people to read?

Please no. Not that.

The eating, bingeing, drinking, smoking, shop-lifting, boyfriends, scarcity, quitting jobs, frequent moving, dropping out of college, vicious judgments towards myself and others.

I had what they call a huge in-to-me-see problem.

An intimacy problem.

Which I’ve heard said is the root of all addictive processes.

Nowadays, I appear to write about whatever comes to mind about myself and share what it is like to both believe, and un-believe, these thoughts.

It’s pretty intimate, I guess.

And sometimes, I still feel shame, or the urge to keep something to myself.

Like about money, for example.

Not long ago, I received a one-time individual mentoring session for being a part of a class (I love learning all kinds of things, and often sign up for classes–one at a time is my only rule).

This class was for small business owners and learning how to connect with other people to support business growth.

Only a handful of people “won” the opportunity to have a one-on-one session with the teacher, who had an MBA and was successful at starting several businesses, even though she was a bit younger than me.

I wasn’t sure what to ask her, we only had 30 minutes.

When I sat still and wondered what my biggest question was about running my little business, the answer came to mind “What is my next step to make more money?”

Another part of me immediately responded with…..

…..“OH COME ON!! Still? Can’t you get over the whole I-Am-Not-There-Yet thing when it comes to MONEY??!!”

When we got on the phone together, I blurted out the shameful truth.

“I haven’t made 6 figures yet!”

Honestly, it’s almost embarrassing to write this in Grace Notes, because of all the “six figure” rhetoric.

I was embarrassed to tell her I had not yet made six figures in my business, and embarrassed to tell you I cared.

Six figures means, in case you don’t know, that in Canadian or US dollars you are making 100,000 (count the digits–it is SIX) per year. Maybe for euros this little saying also works. But you get the picture.

It’s a milestone marker in business growth. Six figures kinda means you’re cruising along, getting to a basic operational stage with running a successful small business.

Except.

I thought “I have to keep it a secret that I don’t make six figures”….

AND at the very same time….

….with this business mentor, I felt embarrassed about not making  six figures.

Jeez.

What inquiry to even investigate?

I should have more money / I shouldn’t / I want more money / I don’t want / I need more money / I don’t need / I care about money / I don’t care.

This would require a more subtle examination of the stories present.

The world could judge me!

My business mentor could judge me!

Oh….one at a time!

Right!!

In This Situation (with the business mentor and our session)….

….she’ll think I’m a loser, small potatoes, insignificant, unorganized, bag-lady potential, and a dork when she learns I make less than six figures.

And this would be bad because……why?

Because I want her to like me, to believe in me, to help me, to teach me, to support me into riches.

Is that true?

Well, yes!

Such an impulse to say “yes” if I’m looking at money, money, money, just money.

And yet….let’s get more specific.

She is more successful than I am, she makes more money. She knows now (because of my confession) what I make. I am not as good as she is, because of this number.

Is that absolutely true?

No.

How do I react when I believe in comparing numbers, in amounts of money, in this woman being more successful than me because she makes more money than me?

Yikes, it’s a bummer.

Images flash through my head of people and the amount of money they “make”.

Even though, I actually do not know how much they make. (Interesting point).

I’m sure they make a lot, because of their excitement, the way they speak, what they do, what they buy, the clothes they wear….

….that they are totally making a ton of money.

I read my mentor’s words if she writes, I hear what she says if she speaks, I deduct that if she has four full-time employees she’s rocking it, she’s inventing a ten-year plan, she’s succeeding, she’s successful, she’s already succeeded.

Who would I be without this comparison?

Without this belief that she is more successful than I am since she makes more money?

Wow.

Without the belief that the amount of money someone makes means they are succeeding, or succeeded, or will succeed in the future?

Holy smokes.

It’s hilarious.

Huh. Pause. Wait. (Silence).

Turning the thought around: she is NOT more successful than I am.

I’m far more successful at being Grace, at being the person who struggled massively with self-hate and addiction and depression and confusion and quitting jobs and treating money rudely….

…..and then found balance, and steadiness, and contact with reality, and money, in just the right way for me.

I have enough money.

I know nothing about her daily life, really.

Examples also float through of all the very wealthy people I’ve known who report that they are unhappy, who are the same as me only with a lot of money, or who spend money but feel no grounding or peace or joy or rest.

Turning it around again: I am more successful than her (with money). How could this be just as true?

Well, I’ve lived about 15 years longer, so my hands may have touched more money over time. I’ve known what it’s like to live with nothing and be eligible for food stamps and survive. It’s kind of a fun, dramatic story.

I have NO IDEA what she considers. I am more successful at being myself than her. That’s 100% truer.

Turning it around one more time: I am more successful than my thinking, especially when it comes to money.

Ha ha ha!

When I even start to think about money, I enter comparisons, I judge, I analyze, I wonder, I get scared, I see other people as better or worse off, I’m like a Comparison Machine with money flying hither and yon in all directions.

I see riches, and wealth, and poverty, and lack….

….just like we all do.

And what is here, right now, without a thought about money?

Air. Space. Quiet. Images. Stories. Fantasies. Joy. Laughter. Not Knowing. Fun. Truth.

Intimacy.

If you notice your mind getting turned on by money and comparing who makes what and who doesn’t make what and who has it and who doesn’t have it and who uses it best and who doesn’t use it well and who makes it easily and who doesn’t make it easily and who is lucky and who is unlucky and who is successful and who is failing…..

…..no matter how much money you have…..

…..you might want to join the 8 week MONEY teleclass coming up on Thursdays starting January 14th from 2-3:30 pm Pacific Time.

We deeply look at situations, and share ourselves honestly, and grow up into greater wisdom about money.

And get this.

It’s by donation (suggested $150 – $395).

Only 4 spaces left.

What have you got to lose?

(Ooooh, great question. We’ll be looking at that one).

Register HERE.

Special retreat to do The Work and inquiry on Everything Money is March 25-27, 2016 in Seattle. Come celebrate the exploration of money, making it, losing it, keeping it, playing with it here on planet earth. We will have so much fun.