I’ve spoken with so many people who have felt the same as I have, when it comes to sticking up for yourself, saying what you mean, asking for what you want.
Noticing how we don’t do it. Wondering why.
It’s such a powerless feeling to avoid confrontation, not ask for what you need or want.
But what if you allowed yourself to be as you’ve been, without such criticism? Maybe noticing what you’re afraid of (hurting someone’s feelings, not getting what you want, getting hurt, feeling rejected)?
What if you made a small gesture towards asking for what you want?
Even this can feel so kind, so supportive.
I’ve never been seen as a super “powerful” strong, intense, fierce, aggressive personality. I have’t liked conflict or confrontation much.
And I can still feel a sense of deep personal power that I won’t do anything, or agree to anything, that purposely or intentionally hurts me.
If I need to say no, or change my mind, or leave someone or something alone, or ask for help….I can.
You’ve probably heard of numbers, scales, measurements and weights when it comes to solutions for eating.
I had so many numbers in my head around eating, my body and food, it was totally overwhelming….and infuriating.
Ugh.
Who wanted another number that I had to pay attention to, and feel like a failure if I didn’t? Why couldn’t I find the natural ease I knew was my birthright, when it came to eating?
Well, here is my one scale that I loved learning about (the first version I ever encountered was from Geneen Roth, thank you for your inspiration, Geneen).
Yes, this scale has numbers in it. But it’s OK. It’s supportive, expansive, based on what reality truly is. It gave my mind something to do. My mind rather appreciates numbers and measuring things.
You can use this scale, this step, to slow down and consider, as you eat.
I also give you two easy thoughts of encouragement, to help you use the scale in a way that works for you.
Eating Peace Core Basics Teleclass starts Thursday, September 8th. We meet from 9-11 am for 3 consecutive Thursdays, then skip a week, then another 3 Thursdays. Please visit here to find out more and to register.
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This shouldn’t be happening! I have plans!
The truck is borrowed and in our driveway. The hard plastic storage bins are purchased in various colors, ready to be filled with what we want to keep. All the cans of old paint are piled ready to be taken to the hazardous waste station. I’ve started a pile of dump items in the middle of the back yard; completely broken chairs, moulded car seat covers, pieces of broken tile and pipes from the bathroom project several years ago.
I’ve asked my two young adult kids, and husband, to mark Labor Day weekend in their calendars for this massive overhaul work party instead of a family vacation.
That old shed is getting cleaned out, and moved to a different location in the yard. The garage is going to get smashed down, and rebuilt into a living space in the not-so-distant future.
I’ve got my sleeves rolled up. This is gonna be very satisfying!
I wake up the day before this three-day weekend full of clean-up plans, to pounding rain on the roof and a few of the plastic storage tubs filling with rain water.
Then my son calls and says….”I’ll be over soon, but I’ve really only got one day tomorrow. I’ll do the dump run, I’ll do the Goodwill run, I’ll stick around until evening….then I gotta go.”
Then my husband says….”Hey, I found a dance hall that’s OPEN on Saturday morning, so I booked it! We’ll still offer our weekend dance on Labor Day weekend!”
Then my daughter says….”I got invited to Amy’s cabin on Lopez Island leaving Saturday night. I’ll work on the garage, but I want to go!”
WHAT??!!!
No one else is taking this clean-up project seriously. They are not going to help. They are too slow. They are too busy. They don’t care. I have to do everything.
Arrrrrggggghhhhhh!!!
Have you ever had plans, and one thing after another happens and it appears the plans you had, are not exactly going the way you thought?
When you make plans….they should THE WAY PLANNED.
Is that true?
LOL.
Oh my, that is funny. Have you noticed how often things change or go unexpectedly? How often the image of the future picture is not like we thought, at all?
The other day as I noticed this thought pouncing in to my mind like a tiger, ready to attack everyone in sight for not caring, not being helpful, or for being too slow….
….I kind of chuckled.
Because almost simultaneously, I thought….oh.
Hmmmm.
How could it be a good thing, this isn’t a three-day extravaganza of laboring, but instead, only one?
Maybe the way this is going is just right. Maybe I had all this desire and plans for the way it should look, but it’s not going that way for a good reason.
Sometimes, plans and visions in the mind appear to be interesting, or desirable, but they aren’t going to happen in just that particular way, in that particular order.
And what about plans for activities that aren’t so “perfect” and ordered?
Like the plan to skip class, avoid that person you are afraid to speak truthfully to, quit your job, marry that girl….
….or what about the plan to smoke, eat, drink, calculate, steal, force something to happen that doesn’t feel good, yet you want it anyway?
The demand to have something happen can be coming from a place in you that’s like a little toddler, or desperate, or filled with this-must-happen energy….
…..or a plan can be coming from a place in you that is more, balanced, open, willing to be flexible, and doesn’t know what’s ultimately going to happen (and OK with that).
It doesn’t matter what you’re planning, really.
If you feel furious about it not going your way, you’re going to suffer.
Here are two questions I love to ask, if I notice I’m feeling anxious (or enraged) about “my” plans not going the way I want them to:
1) What am I afraid of happening, if these plans fail? What’s the worst that could happen?
2) What do I think it means about me, about other people, about this situation, if the plans do not go as I hoped or wanted?
Sometimes, I thought plans needed to go a certain way for me to feel worthy, successful, “good”. Sometimes, I thought plans need to go a certain way so I could avoid other big dangers, and to protect myself.
But what if there’s a middle way to be with plans and planning?
As I’ve heard Byron Katie mention and speak to this process of being aware of the future: If I know I’m going on a trip, I pack my bags. But I have no idea if I’m really going on the trip, until I’m on it.
Very funny, very odd for that mind that loves plans.
So today, after only one “working” day, and another in silence, writing, bicycling and only a wee bit of further clean up….
….I can see how feeling and being and noticing who I am without the mindset “they shouldn’t have cancelled, we all should be cleaning, they are too slow, this should be finished….”
….is better than I ever could have planned.
“When you make plans and replay them in your mind, you may be projecting that the future is going to be more important than the now. But it’s not. Being one with what you’re doing, is being totally into what you are doing “now”. The energy is not diverted from what you’re doing “now” (planning) and into the future. What you are doing now (even if it’s planning) is this, here, now.” ~ Eckhart Tolle in conversation with Oprah Winfrey on video
So even the activity of planning happens, then we get to see what really happens, trusting reality, speaking up if it’s right, sharing.
I enjoy the alive, present activity of planning, if planning is called for and feels right.
I notice my legs and feet were so tired Saturday, they were throbbing by 9:00 pm. Everyone pitched in gloriously, and I loved everyone knew what they wanted to go off and do for the rest of the long weekend, enjoying themselves.
I’ve gotten a break, and writing time.
Now, I notice, is sweet. The emptier shed (not completely empty yet). The space for a dinner date with my husband, rather than working. The writing of this Grace Note. The opening of my fall calendar and noticing some items to “plan” for.
Peace, here now.
Even as a house project is apparently unfinished.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Speaking of planning….I’m sharing my Eating Peace video today even if you have no interest or concern with eating issues, because it’s about so much more than eating. You have to plan, is that true? You have to avoid something, is that true? The only way to stop agonizing about something is to succumb to it….is that really true?
We all get our feelings hurt. It’s part of being human, and alive.
But the way I used to feel when someone hurt my feelings was desperate, ashamed, anxious to please, worried, and self-critical.
I’d also feel incredibly upset with the one who hurt me.
I’d feel angry with that person, or afraid, and equally as critical of them as I was of me.
I’ll never forget one time I felt horribly hurt.
It was my very first job after graduating from college. My boss was generally a kind man. He was my parent’s generation, and I saw him as an authority figure. He was the director of a college, and I was the undergraduate student advisor.
One day, he called me into his office, which was right next door.
“You need to stop talking so much with the students.”
I felt sick to my stomach. (Notice that phrase “sick to my stomach” about feeling hurt and criticized).
After work, I ate from the doorstep of my job all the way through the streets to my apartment.
I share today how you could view the ones who hurt you, and experience peace, instead of “sick to your stomach” by emotionally eating.
When you think you’re a victim of someone else, or life circumstances, or a difficult situation….
….you’re guaranteed to feel uncertain, fearful and like a VICTIM.
Oh no.
Then we also feel bad about being a victim (and then you’re a victim of your own judgment towards yourself on top of it).
The best way to address the feeling of smallness, powerlessness, and being a victim of something or someone (including you) is to access your honest yes or no within, and practice saying it out loud.
No shame, no freaking out.
Sometimes, it’s called “assertiveness” but really this means you are telling the truth, and allowing it to be known.
It may not be as difficult as you think.
And when you do….it’s soooooooo worth it. You’ll stop wanting to eat.
Do you have a hard time eating in gatherings, events, celebrations, meetings with other people when there’s lots of food around?
You can’t avoid feasts. They exist in every culture, throughout human history.
We include food as a form of abundance when we share time with other people.
But you may be moving your attention outside of yourself too much when in the presence of others. So much so, you forget to take care of you, and attend to your own needs.
In today’s video, I share three tools you can take with you everywhere. You can use them at gatherings. They can change your whole experience of sharing time and food with others.
It’s so common to think your body is ugly, or some part of it is ugly, that I used to not even notice I was thinking it.
It was automatic. Like…of COURSE that needs improvement. Of COURSE that’s gross.
But after I learned how to do The Work of Byron Katie and question my stressful thoughts, I applied it to the belief “this is ugly”.
Wow.
In today’s video I share something I saw on my body not long ago, and I stared at it in fascination (a scar). In the past I would have thought of it as ugly, but on the inside I didn’t feel that old pain at all.
I give credit for that freedom to The Work.
You can do this, too.
Eating Peace: Do you think something about your body is ugly? You can find peace with this kind of thinking.
