Category: Trouble With Food and Eating

Several people who couldn’t attend the new Living Turnaround group that started yesterday wrote to me this past weekend and asked….

….I want to know how to investigate a situation so I can find out how to make the lasting changes I always want to make, but never seem to find!

Can you point me in the right direction with Living Turnarounds and how to do them or find them?

Where do I begin?

Some shared with me they feel like they have a ton of places they’d like things to be different. They wished THEY were different, most of all.

You might notice the same.

Where do you wish things were different? Relationship status, body, aging, money, house, career, service to others.

Sometimes, you may notice….there’s something imperfect and improvable about everything you consider!

But as I asked some of the amazing people who came yesterday in person to the group….

….first, you begin by making a short list, or scanning in your mind what you wish was different….

….whether you feel slightly uncomfortable, just a wee bit disappointed, or really upset.

You may notice, something rises to the top asking to be seen.

Yes, THAT situation with “x”. I really wish it were otherwise.

Now, instead of going straight to a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, consider the following question and journal about it and get ready to do Step #1 in understanding YOU.

Observing yourself, without so much dreadful internal screaming about what’s wrong with you.

Seriously. Don’t jump to how awful you are so fast.

It’s a diversion.

OK? Agreed?

Studying yourself and contemplating some important questions come out of work and research I’ve gathered for many years on desire, goals, and action-taking….how these happen in life, how they don’t.

Some of this work comes from extended research in the field of human motivation, behavior and transformation ever since I studied it in graduate school in the late 1990s.

This was before I ever heard of The Work….but the research and study of human behavior is oh so connected to questioning your stressful beliefs.

Because what do experts say, quite often?

Action is about what people are thinking, what’s in the mind, that drives their behavior.

To “live” a turnaround and experience deep or permanent change is about first, identifying the underlying beliefs that create fear, lack of ease, inaction, or action you don’t really want (like overeating, my old favorite personal example).

So, follow along with me here.

Let’s say you want to be in better shape physically, or as I used to want all the time, let’s say you want peace with food and eating.

Here’s the first question you want to keep in mind, before racing to The Work:

What do you do, how do you behave, what actions do you take….that crushes or destroys this state of peace you so desire?

As in, you ain’t gonna get that thing you want if you keep doing “x”.

For example, long ago when I suffered from binge-eating, I might have said “I don’t ever experience eating peace because…..twice a week I binge-eat from one end of the continent to the other without stopping to breathe for one second”.

Let’s say you’re having concerns with lack of money, and you feel like money’s always been a problem, or has been for a really long time. (Some of the members of the Living Turnaround group mentioned this…..OK, all of them).

What do you do, in that case, that keeps you from stability with money?

Make a list. Really answer the question thoroughly. Be specific. Sometimes, you even have to observe yourself for a week (or longer) and watch what you do and catch all the moments, because it’s easy to forget or be unaware.

Academics and researchers might calls this collecting the data.

You’re being like a scientist with yourself, watching, looking, taking notes. Don’t let shame or guilt come in and slam the door on this looking!! (I had that happen all the time around eating issues and was very secretive for fear of other peoples’ judgment).

So long ago, when I was getting help for this weird binge-eating behavior I seemed to live with….I studied what was going on during those binges. I wrote down what was happening. I wrote down what I had experienced earlier, before the urge to binge began. What was my state of hunger physically? Who did I encounter? What was I thinking?

Then…you can answer this next interesting question:

What’s the worst that could happen if you did the OPPOSITE of this behavior or activity? What would bother you about doing this? What’s the danger lurking for you, when you think about not doing this activity you’ve been doing–maybe for years?

So, in my example (lacking eating peace) I would wonder by writing in my journal about why, if I stopped binge-eating, I might find this threatening? What would disturb me about stopping this behavior?

I know.

If you had asked me without explaining that something important is going on that prevents normal behavior with food, or if you asked me what I would have been afraid of if I stopped binge-eating, I might not have been able to think of one single answer.

I might have even said….WHAT??! Are you crazy? It would be GREAT to no longer have cravings and then stuff myself, it’s what I always wanted….to STOP suffering from an eating disorder.

But just open your mind a little and give this a minute.

What if you are not ridiculous, and what if there isn’t anything wrong with you?

What if your mind is a genius at making sure you avoid, at all costs, what could really be emotionally, physically, or spiritually painful?

What if this idea of no longer having your actions (in my case “binge-eating”) available to you made you raw, exposed, nervous…..for any reason whatsoever?

What kind of young woman would be afraid of stopping binge-eating behavior?

As it turned out, there were several reasons why I would be afraid to stop binge-eating.

One was, because in between binges, I was always thinking I should be starving myself. I DID starve myself. I used lots of willpower to push really hard in athletics.

I was also terrified to speak of my true inner feelings (we don’t do that in this family) or to show I felt upset about anything.

So, feeling super upset, sad, afraid started having a wild condensed response to it….all piled and smashed up in a ball of unexpressed energy inside, and it exploded out with binge-eating (and purging, for me).

Now my behavior was very extreme.

This can be done with much more quiet and mild behaviors. You don’t have to be a crazed addicted-acting person to study yourself (some of us need things to be extreme or super obvious, apparently).

If you have a mild case of doing something you wish you wouldn’t….or NOT doing something you wish you would….

….really consider very, very deeply what you might be afraid of, if you stopped this uncomfortable behavior, or if you started doing the thing you wish you’d do.

What is it about the ACTION or NON-ACTION itself you want to learn from?

It’s your teacher.

Usually, the normal way to address human behavior that needs “correction” is to fix it ASAP. Get a diet, get an exercise plan, mark your calendar, force yourself to “do” it, ignore the fears.

As I said, several people in the Living Turnarounds group mentioned trouble with money.

Been there.

You can do this around money and your relationship to it. Notice if you feel you MUST have it, you need it to survive, you grab for it, you store it.

Or, maybe you stay really foggy with it. You have no idea how much is in your bank account, you write checks you’re not sure will clear, you borrow and owe. Some part of you doesn’t like seeing how much you actually have (hint: it’s dangerous).

What does this behavior mean about the world, about you, about people you’ve known or encountered?

Study your fears.

I really hated (at first) seeing what I was most afraid of in my late teens and early twenties.

They were thoughts like….I can’t make it on my own, but I should. People are critical (“people” being parents mostly). I have nothing to offer. I can’t do it perfectly (so why bother trying). People don’t really care about the honest me. You can’t say what you really think or feel (people get hurt). If thin, people will love respect me. If I’m not in great physical condition, people could criticize me. Food is the only pleasure I have. Food is easy to find everywhere, and comforting. I love eating forbidden foods, no one tells me what to do for once. When I’m eating, I don’t have to think about what I “should” be accomplishing, I don’t have to push myself, I can finally quit trying to be perfect every second of the day.

How could it be helping you to do that activity you notice you criticize yourself for doing? How could it be helping you to NOT do that activity you wish you’d do?

This is a huge topic, and there are ways to break it down slowly, carefully, one step at a time….

….but I say, run with it.

Wonder what you’re afraid of. Ask the powerful question Byron Katie asks “what’s the WORST that could happen?”

Keep a “thought journal”. (If you’ve been on retreat with me, especially at Breitenbush, I always hand out thought catchers to carry around with you–little notebooks to write down your stressful thoughts).

Who would you be without your story?

You’d be living your turnarounds.

“A man that flies from his fear may find that he has only taken a short cut to meet it.” ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” ~ Joseph Campbell

And the best news of all?

The cave, the fear, will follow you until you enter it or take a look at it. You don’t even have to worry about avoiding it endlessly, or how you’re going to address it. It’s probably not up to you, anyway.

Drop the “probably”.