Trouble With Food and Eating – Page 5 – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

January 3, 2017

I should be different…..is that true, given the story I’m believing?

I should be different when it comes to “x”. What if this isn’t true, for some important reason?

It’s weird how agonizing thoughts that conflict with one another can be sometimes.

On the one hand, I know it would be great to lift weights again. It’s been a few years. You’re supposed to lift weights when you get older, right? Build calcium or something?

On the other hand, how boring can you get…..lifting weights, ugh.

I remember being in a decision dilemma about my old job.

On the one hand, I’ve got great health care benefits, awesome co-workers and boss, nice environment (there’s a fountain named Grace on the campus, how sweet is that?) and a solid paycheck every two weeks.

On the other hand, I commute every day sometimes for an hour, I don’t have enough time for my other pursuits including my business, the actual work is kind of boring.

You could go this way.

Or you could go that way.

You’re free to make the decision. You’re completely and utterly free to do as you wish.

Or…..are you?

What if you feel uncomfortable or stuck, but for some weird reason, you do NOT make a move, or make a change?

What if you’re believing an underlying stressful story, and you’re not even brightly aware of the story?

(What if all you do is attack yourself viciously….why can’t you fix this, or move on, or stop thinking about it, wake up, get a grip, CHANGE?! Jeez! Fume, fume, fume.)

But what if there are a few things to explore and dig into under the surface, things you may find a little uncomfortable to address or even “see” in the first place, that all contribute to this stuck-ness you’re experiencing?

What if there was something that yelling at yourself was hiding?

For example….eating too much.

(I know, my favorite topic, what can I say….I was a nut case for years with eating).

You know you should lose weight, you know it doesn’t serve you to binge-eat, you know you need to stop starving yourself to death and then overeating, you know you need to quit the junk food at night….

….and you might even do The Work on some of the thoughts that appear, such as “I should lose weight” or “I need to eat that food” or “I should go outside and exercise” or “I’m a loser” and find the turnarounds and notice, nothing changes.

Not that there’s anything wrong with doing The Work on those powerful and stressful beliefs.

However….your mind may be brilliantly distracting you with these first thoughts that appear. The ways to FIX this situation. It’s off the to races on what you need to do, say, think, feel in order to change this (especially the “do” part), without really looking deeply at what’s actually going on for you.

So of course, when you fall into this “FIX IT NOW” way of viewing your problem, when you have urgency and fear about your situation or condition, the weird thing is often when there are underlying beliefs that oppose the surface beliefs…..not much may change.

Fear kind of has a way of blocking things from sight. Clever energy, fear.

I speak for myself.

Some time ago, as I’ve mentioned before, I had a raging eating disorder.

Can you imagine how many times I said “I am going to stop this” (starving, overeating, binge-eating)? Yes. about a million.

It was not until someone very wise got to know me, and cared about me, and suggested I might be adapting to something completely different that had nothing to do with food and eating….that I began to consider what it was like to be close with people.

What was I afraid of, that overrode the desire to stop the insane cycle of eating the way I did?

What was the worst that could happen, if I DID stop binge-eating?

You might ask yourself a similar question, even if you don’t have an eating issue: What’s the WORST that could happen if I quit my job, do what I want to do, leave home, start a business, go to the gym, write every day, lose weight, quit drinking coffee?

But those things are all soooooo wonderful. I should do them, it will be good for me, I’ll succeed.

Are you absolutely sure?

Long ago, I discovered that I was actually nauseated to confront someone in my group therapy and tell the truth and speak directly to them about what I wasn’t comfortable with. If someone confronts me, I still feel anxious initially, even now.

If someone says what they don’t like, and I’ve done it, I feel terrified of disappointing them. I feel frightened they’ll attack me, or slink away and never talk with me again.

I was so very committed to NOT BEING A DISRUPTIVE or MEAN or UNLIKABLE or REJECTABLE person, I would do anything, including not actually have friends and eat in secret instead.

Anything to avoid being dismissed or disliked. Anything to get rid of anger and rage (overeating really helped, and vomiting too). Anything to slip under the radar of the judgments of others (namely, mom, dad, grandparents). Anything to stay as safe as possible, in an unsafe, judging world.

Including risk my life by stuffing myself with food and forcing myself to vomit or exercise like a maniac.

You might not have such an extreme case of avoidant beliefs, but if you have something you keep repeating, or don’t act upon, or don’t do even though you know you’d feel happier (you think) or some way you procrastinate, hurt yourself, avoid action….

….there may be a very important frightening story you’d kinda sorta rather not look at, if you please.

But looking will make all the difference.

Not long ago, I realized I have been carrying the thought around “if I stop and slow down, it could be dangerous (money loss, failure, boredom, lack of creativity, fading into oblivion). So I really need to keep up this pace and work all the time. No extra meditations. No reading for pleasure. No netflix. No movies. Morning coffee required.

Who would I be without that story?

“Your suffering may be caused by a thought that interprets what happened, rather than the thought you wrote down….When your statement is about something you think you don’t want, read it and imagine the worst outcome that reality could hand you. Imagine your worst fears lived out on paper. Be thorough. Take it to the limit.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

This work is not always easy. I notice, there’s sometimes initial resistance and refusal inside me to want to look.

It’s like…..NOOOOOOOOO.

And then, when there’s no other alternative (there isn’t, unless I prefer to suffer)…..The Work.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. One spot just opened up in the Eating Peace Retreat–a cancellation. If eating, food or your body image is one of your dilemmas, we’re going in to find out what we’re believing, and what’s really true. Join me January 19-22 in Seattle. To find out more, visit here.

P.P.S. If money is a problem, I’m doing a 4 week money class by donation. To read about it and to sign up, visit here.

January 1, 2017

I Wish I Hadn’t Done That (+ Eating Peace Process Online open for registration)

The shame of wishing you hadn’t done that. What if what you think it means…isn’t true?

Have you ever had the thought about something you did….

.…Dang it. I wish I hadn’t done that.

Well, of course you have.

It would be almost strange to answer the question “No! I have never, ever wished I did anything differently than they way I did it!”

I’ve had this thought a million times. I’ve caught myself wishing I had not done something yesterday, last night, last week, last month, or twenty years ago…or how about forty.

I really wish I hadn’t done that.

The trouble is, it’s a very painful thought IF you believe it’s absolutely true.

If you absolutely believe you shouldn’t have done something in the past, something you did do, this belief brings up shame, guilt, horror, embarrassment, reprimand. For some people they’re so distressed about what they did, they feel like they don’t deserve to live.

Long ago, in a dorm room of a small liberal arts college with high prestige, I broke down and out of a semi-fast of several years of eating “perfectly”.

I was extremely strict about my diet and food plan, and followed it with great precision (although I could question what it means to be so precise, since I didn’t weigh my food after the first three months or so of being on this food plan-I simply copied/remembered what to eat and the approximate portions). I learned this food plan from 12 Step meetings I attended.

In the meetings, they meant very well, they were offering a very, very clear and uncluttered approach to eating. Lots of items in the world of food were eliminated. Things that commonly incited cravings and urges….gone from the plan. You simply did not ever eat those things and you weighed and measured every bite that went into your mouth. It was like giving up alcohol or drugs if you were alcoholic or a drug addict. The first thing to do: stop the activity of consuming. Just stop.

The problem for me was that I was bound to this food plan like a criminal in a maximum security prison. It was as if I had locked my cravings and urges and desires and conflicts about food and eating in a deep dark dungeon behind a massive concrete and barbed wire wall, never to be found (I hoped) again. And then thrown into the bottom of the ocean, just to be on the safe side.

My attitude and beliefs about myself were that I could not be trusted. I could not eat (think) normally. I couldn’t feel normally. My emotions were tricksters, and often “wrong”.

The shout in the wilderness of it all was CONTROL YOURSELF FOR GOD’S SAKE!

Which is what I attempted to do.

People have this attitude towards many things they believe they shouldn’t have done.

The game plan is…..kill it. Control it. Deafen it. Quiet it down. Lock it away.

Not that many people related to eating the extreme way I did. But the energy below the surface, in many ways, had nothing to do with food or eating.

This may surprise you.

But have you ever decided you’re going to be a more generous, nicer or kinder person? Have you ever thought to yourself “I am going to get a handle on money”? Have you ever thought “I won’t criticize my spouse or get into an argument with my teenager”?

And then, sometime later (maybe the very next day) you yelled at someone you love, or said a mean nasty critical thing under your breath, or started fuming about your job, or you got super nervous about speaking up, or said yes when you meant no, or spent money you didn’t really have, or declined a new invitation, or decided to work longer and harder and wait on your vacation for another date and time…..when you PROMISED you wouldn’t keep doing this.

Maybe you tell yourself, like I did, that you should know better by now. You should have this figured out. You should have your act together in this department. You should be farther along…..well-spoken, calm, efficient, successful, the right weight, good at “x”, brilliant at “y”, resistant to “z”.

Another time I thought severely about myself the thought “I shouldn’t have done it” was after flirting very heavily with someone who wasn’t my primary partner at the time.

Ugh.

Or the time I lost my temper with my daughter. Or when I told myself I’d meditate daily. Or start yoga.

Or one of the worst situations of my life (it seemed at the time) I shouldn’t have had the abortion. There must be something wrong with me. So irresponsible. So wrong.

You shouldn’t have done it.

Is that true?

Yes, of course it’s true. There is no good reason to have done it, I already knew what would happen afterwards, I gave myself a terrible thing to live with!

Can you absolutely know it’s true?

No.

Now, this is amazing that I answer no. But I looked and looked over time. I can’t absolutely know it–not with any of these things I was so sure I shouldn’t have done. Was I the one ruling the universe? Did I really have an overall world-view of every element of the situation? Was I entirely in charge? Was the whole thing that went down my choice?

No.

Even if you answer “yes” keep going here.

How do you react when you believe you shouldn’t have done it, and you did do it?

Torn into pieces internally. Self-hating. Hopeless. Frustrated. Punishing myself. Trying harder to control it. Deciding to go on severe diets because I can’t be trusted.

But who would you be without this thought that you shouldn’t have done it?

Wait for it.

The mind might have a hissy fit twisting itself in knots without this thought.

What??! Aren’t you letting yourself get away with murder? Destruction? Violence? Hurting others? Hurting yourself?

This isn’t about pretending you didn’t do something that had major consequences. It isn’t about forgetting reality.

But without the belief I shouldn’t have done something that has already been done…..I am a little lighter.

I can start here, from right now. I rest and relax. I notice I’m still breathing, still living, not struck by lightening. Perhaps I can bring some kindness into this moment, starting freshly. Now.

Turning the thought around: I should have done it.

How could this be just as true, or truer? Are there any advantages, genuine reasons why doing it led to this moment now, where you’re more awake?

In every single situation I’ve ever sat with in The Work where I believed I shouldn’t have done something, I can find a good reason for doing it. An advantage. An unexpected shift of awareness.

Long ago, in that dorm room, I was suddenly struck with the insanity of living with hyper-control, hardly aware of the homework or reading assigned in my classes, the lack of freedom and spontaneity and kindness, the loneliness and unhappiness I was experiencing.

Back then, I got on the next airplane home and never returned to that college campus. I started doing the internal work I really needed to do with my family, my own psyche, my relationship to food and eating, group therapy. Life has been a wonderful road questioning the slavery of stressful thinking.

Plus I saved my parents thousands in college tuition, and didn’t waste my time in a school better built for others, not for me. After a short time, I got a job on a ship which was a magnificent and difficult experience, and I’ll never forget it.

Doing that thing I *thought* I shouldn’t have done was a life-changer and a life-saver and put me firmly on a new and different path than the one I and my entire family had expected.

Another turnaround: it shouldn’t have done me.

That moment, that binge-eating episode, that act of unkindness, that meanness, that behavior, that situation….

….it shouldn’t have “done” me in. It shouldn’t have wrecked my entire world (well, it didn’t actually). It shouldn’t have become such a huge way for me to punish myself or condemn me for life to needing to control myself even more.

Instead, that act I committed, that experience I engaged in, that thing I did….it should be a teacher of love, showing me where not to go in the future, or showing me my confusion.

Byron Katie said in the School for The Work the first time I attended it that the thing I was most ashamed of doing, I could question if it really was as awful as I imagined.

I notice, the thing I shouldn’t have done….it ended. It’s over. It came to an end, despite my own thinking then, or now.

“The Work is about noticing our thoughts, not about changing them. When you work with the thinking, the doing naturally follows.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

If I think you shouldn’t have?

Investigate. Understand what was going on. Listen to yourself in the most deep, powerful, empathetic way. Share with others, so they might hear you, too.

“There is no peace in the world until you find peace within yourself in this moment. Live these turnarounds, if you want to be free. That’s what Jesus did, what the Buddha did. That’s what all the famous great ones did, and all the unknown great ones who are just living it in their homes and communities, happy and in peace.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Despite all those mistakes you’ve made, making you very human by the way…..you are here, now.

What is peaceful about this moment? Certainly not thinking about how you screwed up in the past.

Just saying.

If you have a particular habit of moving towards food and eating when you aren’t hungry, or fighting cravings, or forcing yourself into off-balance diets, or feeling very unhappy about your body and your weight….and you’re ready to do a deep exploration for almost three months, I’m accepting enrollment for the Eating Peace Process which begins January 14th.

The eating peace process includes inquiry into stressful believing, about food, eating and body image….but also about all the other stressful beliefs you have that fuel off-balance eating.

Everyone in the program will have access to brand new slide presentations you can watch on your own time (plus two live optional calls per week) where we follow our thinking, question it, and learn practices that keep us steady, clear and learning what has kept us from the peace we truly want.

Everyone will find a rhythm of self-inquiry and commitment to their freedom and health, and I’ll be doing it all right alongside you.

This program does involve writing in a journal. We’ll do written exercises to help uncover our hidden commitments and fears, so we understand why and how we’ve moved off the peaceful path in the past when it comes to eating (and thinking).

Most of all, the Eating Peace Process is a way to practice resting. Not putting yourself into a straightjacket. It’s a way to understand ourselves and what prevents deep change and transformation.

To read more about the Eating Peace Process, visit here. I’ll be doing some webinars and sharing more about it if you’re on the eating peace mailing list (update your profile below in the teeny small print to see if you’re on the eating peace list).

Today, whatever you fight, whatever you wish you didn’t do….even if it isn’t food and eating, but other things you’ve felt ashamed of and frustrated about….

….you can do The Work, in this new moment, now.

“All suffering is an invitation to deep acceptance of the present moment.” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance

Much love,

Grace

December 28, 2016

Eating Peace: A shorter time to peace than you think

Learning new video recording technology–my message today starts with literally one or two seconds of darkness and a black and white screen….moving into color.

And isn’t that also what the message is all about.

Your movement to peace can take literally seconds, beginning with this moment slowing something deep within you down, no matter what your mind is thinking or what your feelings are.

When you slow movement and action down, you become more still, quiet, deliberate, relaxed…..peaceful. And what happens with your life is a little like what happens when Dorothy lands in Oz. Life becomes more colorful, less dramatic and serious.

A long, long time ago, I sat in a 12 Step Meeting and someone shared with me at the end this same message I speak of in the video today.

I never forgot it.

Much love, Grace

December 12, 2016

Eating Peace: I’ve Been Doing This For Sooooo Long (Grumble)

I know I keep mentioning the Eating Peace Retreat in January in the Pacific Northwest. There are 3 spots left, and no private onsite rooms. Commuters are welcome, though.

And here’s why I talk about it.

Because I’m not only very excited for the new content and ways to share with those who attend, giving you insight into how you can take the practice of questioning your thoughts with you, in every moment (including eating)….

….but also because I know people receive what’s possible at the retreat from the neck down.

You stop staying up in that head which is yelling at you.

The mind that says things like:

“Did you see what you ate last night? What were you thinking? You did it right in front of all those people, too….have you no shame? You should fast every year in December. Rather than stuff your face. Do you know how many times you’ve done this? Yeah….too many to count. You’re pathetic.”

Ow.

Double ow.

It’s really not that funny. It’s dreadful, vicious, and nasty.

I know what it’s like to look in the mirror and immediately think “ugh” instead of “oh hello you lovely person!”

It almost doesn’t even matter what’s in the mirror, it’s a judgment, an assessment, based on deep conditioning about what you’re supposed to think of as beautiful or ugly.

But what if you can’t do it wrong?

Especially if you think you failed lately (you’re gaining weight, you’re eating a lot during the holiday season, you’re going off your food plan, you binged yesterday).

For those of you feeling extremely discouraged during December, try this for a change.

It’s called Not Fighting.

And, I’m so thrilled about the art practice I will bring into our retreat, by living this from the neck down. And movement. And being in the presence of food and eating in a peaceful way for 3.5 whole days.

Let’s do this together.

If you want the experience of disconnecting yourself from your thinking….come to the Eating Peace Retreat in January. You won’t regret it. (The mind loves regret).

You’ll love, instead.

Much love,

Grace

December 5, 2016

Eating Peace: the Tao says you don’t have to be happy to NOT eat

A fantastic group of people will be attending the Eating Peace Retreat January 19-22, right here at a lovely private lodge near my little cottage in Seattle. I’d love you to join us. People are traveling from every corner of the US so far, literally New York, West Virginia, California and of course up here in the Pacific Northwest. For travelers, there are still queen sized mattresses we can set up for you in the loft (no private rooms left, although someone may be willing/interested in sharing).

The most important part of the retreat….if I could say there is a MOST important….

….is being with yourself compassionately.

Like the way you are with other people.

You’ll slow down, we’ll eat together, write together, question thoughts together, have an experience of art and movement together. We’re in session daily from 9:30 am until 9:00 pm. No matter how far down the road to overweight, underweight, crazy eating or simple unhappiness about food…..you will be welcomed with open arms.

Enroll here. Space for 4 more. As mentioned in the Eating Peace Masterclass, included in this retreat registration is a one-on-one session to use any time in 2017 whether in person or online.

****************

Have you ever noticed how your thoughts seem to direct your behavior (including eating, obviously).

And yet, you don’t have to DO what your thoughts say.

You might get wound up full of cravings and compulsions and reaching and the agony of urges to stuff yourself with food.

It seems like that Voice that says GO GO GO is nasty, unconcerned about your peace or your freedom, busy, rude, critical of you. That Voice suggests that you….eat. It almost demands you eat, if you have a craving for food. As if there’s no other option.

But there is another option.

You actually take this other option all the time.

It’s called Not Listening To Or Doing What Your Mind Says.

It’s not the King of everything (it might think so, but it really isn’t).

Based on the Tao Te Ching, here’s a way to work with the mind that’s yelling at you to eat: tap into what is NOT your thoughts.

Here’s how:

Much love,

Grace

November 18, 2016

Eating Peace: What To Do When There’s A Feast (+ Masterclass)!

When I used to be invited to a potluck, a feast, a celebration, a party, a huge dinner, a brunch, a birthday….OK, you name it, a place where there was food all over….

….I started getting anxious about the food long before I went.

If it’s really good, I’ll eat from one end of the room to the other, all the while faking like I’m normal, and then ditch out of there.

I won’t eat anything at all. I’ll have a salad. I’ll drink soda water with lemon slices.

I’ll call and ask them beforehand to make some special no-skin chicken or other specially prepared food that’s plain, non-triggering, and pure or healthy or “right”.

Arrrrrggggghhhhh!!!!!

What I really wanted was to NOT BE THINKING ABOUT IT BEFORE IT HAPPENED.

I didn’t want to be concerned in any way with the food.

I wanted to relax today, in the present moment, and eat when hungry and stop eating when full, and enjoy food and eating immensely.

Well….when you’ve used food for emotional safety and comfort, when you’ve used food to replenish you after you’ve been starving yourself, when you’ve used food to help you with your feelings….it’s going to have a pretty big role in your life.

First thing to do: don’t beat yourself up into a pulp.

Seriously, if you knew any better, you would have done it differently long ago.

Food has been reliable in many ways, and YOU are not a terrible awful person for relying on it.

Today I share with you one kind of funny way to handle big food events, feasts, and times when food is a gigantic focus (and by the way, these will eventually be absolutely wonderful celebrations for you, too, in a very normal way).

I call it the Slowing Down step, which is the first step in a series of seven I sometimes talk about when it comes to healing food and eating.

And here’s the fun news: I’m inspired to offer an entirely free MasterClass on all seven steps to Eating Peace.

If you’d like to register for the MasterClass, please click here. We’ll meet on Wednesday, November 23rd at 1:00 pm. Please set aside 90 minutes.

Can’t wait to bring you this masterclass training, it will be the very first time I’m doing it in this particular format, and I hope it gives you fantastic practices for any upcoming feast (or any discomfort with food and eating)!

Even if you can’t make it to the MasterClass, watch here for the first Slowing Down step and how you can bring it to your next feast. (Hint: there’s a little bit of Step Seven in what I share here today….they all become a big process together, bringing you thinking, feeling and eating peace).

November 17, 2016

Eating Peace: What To Do When There’s A Feast (+ MasterClass 11/23)

When I used to be invited to a potluck, a feast, a celebration, a party, a huge dinner, a brunch, a birthday….OK, you name it, a place where there was food all over….

….I started getting anxious about the food long before I went.

If it’s really good, I’ll eat from one end of the room to the other, all the while faking like I’m normal, and then ditch out of there.

I won’t eat anything at all. I’ll have a salad. I’ll drink soda water with lemon slices.

I’ll call and ask them beforehand to make some special no-skin chicken or other specially prepared food that’s plain, non-triggering, and pure or healthy or “right”.

Arrrrrggggghhhhh!!!!!

What I really wanted was to NOT BE THINKING ABOUT IT BEFORE IT HAPPENED.

I didn’t want to be concerned in any way with the food.

I wanted to relax today, in the present moment, and eat when hungry and stop eating when full, and enjoy food and eating immensely.

First thing to do: don’t beat yourself up into a pulp.

Seriously, if you knew any better, you would have done it differently long ago.

Food has been reliable in many ways, and YOU are not a terrible awful person for relying on it.

I call it the Slowing Down step, which is the first step in a series of seven I sometimes talk about when it comes to healing food and eating.

And here’s the fun news: I’m inspired to offer an entirely free MasterClass on all seven steps to Eating Peace.

If you’d like to register for the MasterClass, please click here. We’ll meet on Wednesday, November 23rd at 1:00 pm. Please set aside 90 minutes, but we may be done in less.

Can’t wait to bring you this masterclass training, it will be the very first time I’m doing it in this particular format, and I hope it gives you fantastic practices for any upcoming feast!

Watch here for the first Slowing Down step and how you can bring it to your next feast. (Hint: there’s a little bit of Step Seven in what I share here today….they all become a big process together, bringing you thinking, feeling and eating peace).

Much love,

Grace

October 27, 2016

Eating Peace: Can you feel peaceful with inner disturbance? LOL, I know it’s weird.

(Sorry the sound is so low….dork here, not remembering to turn up the volume on the mic, so please turn up yours. Here is an imperfect video. Imperfection happens. I also have really dirty hair, no makeup whatsoever, and no script. The honesty of Eating Peace starts here. Can I be at peace with this disturbance?)

I’ve worked with several people lately, it seems, who’ve discovered the belief from way back:

“He didn’t like me” or “She didn’t love me” so I need to make sure I never get rejected again.

When someone else judges, it does hurt sometimes. You can’t deny it.

So what if, even in the middle of inner disturbance, or inner fear, pain, difficulty….

….you still could feel peace?

I know it’s kind of weird.

Feel peace with disturbance? Can those two go together?

Yes.

Is there some greater, bigger part of you able to be OK with being disturbed.

Because if you can be disturbed (even very disturbed) and notice you are OK, you are still alive, you are here, you are still standing….

….what an incredible thing to notice!!

We think it’s SO TERRIBLE to feel pain. Anything but that.

Anything but feel such grief, sorrow, rejection, anger, upset, devastation.

Who would you be without the belief you can’t get through it (especially without eating)?

Much love, Grace

October 24, 2016

The one Big Question to answer if you want to live your turnarounds

Light in the Cave of Pain, Sickness and Death Using The Work — Scared to go inside this cave? It could be your only way to peace…..At least it was for me.

Several people who couldn’t attend the new Living Turnaround group that started yesterday wrote to me this past weekend and asked….

….I want to know how to investigate a situation so I can find out how to make the lasting changes I always want to make, but never seem to find!

Can you point me in the right direction with Living Turnarounds and how to do them or find them?

Where do I begin?

Some shared with me they feel like they have a ton of places they’d like things to be different. They wished THEY were different, most of all.

You might notice the same.

Where do you wish things were different? Relationship status, body, aging, money, house, career, service to others.

Sometimes, you may notice….there’s something imperfect and improvable about everything you consider!

But as I asked some of the amazing people who came yesterday in person to the group….

….first, you begin by making a short list, or scanning in your mind what you wish was different….

….whether you feel slightly uncomfortable, just a wee bit disappointed, or really upset.

You may notice, something rises to the top asking to be seen.

Yes, THAT situation with “x”. I really wish it were otherwise.

Now, instead of going straight to a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, consider the following question and journal about it and get ready to do Step #1 in understanding YOU.

Observing yourself, without so much dreadful internal screaming about what’s wrong with you.

Seriously. Don’t jump to how awful you are so fast.

It’s a diversion.

OK? Agreed?

Studying yourself and contemplating some important questions come out of work and research I’ve gathered for many years on desire, goals, and action-taking….how these happen in life, how they don’t.

Some of this work comes from extended research in the field of human motivation, behavior and transformation ever since I studied it in graduate school in the late 1990s.

This was before I ever heard of The Work….but the research and study of human behavior is oh so connected to questioning your stressful beliefs.

Because what do experts say, quite often?

Action is about what people are thinking, what’s in the mind, that drives their behavior.

To “live” a turnaround and experience deep or permanent change is about first, identifying the underlying beliefs that create fear, lack of ease, inaction, or action you don’t really want (like overeating, my old favorite personal example).

So, follow along with me here.

Let’s say you want to be in better shape physically, or as I used to want all the time, let’s say you want peace with food and eating.

Here’s the first question you want to keep in mind, before racing to The Work:

What do you do, how do you behave, what actions do you take….that crushes or destroys this state of peace you so desire?

As in, you ain’t gonna get that thing you want if you keep doing “x”.

For example, long ago when I suffered from binge-eating, I might have said “I don’t ever experience eating peace because…..twice a week I binge-eat from one end of the continent to the other without stopping to breathe for one second”.

Let’s say you’re having concerns with lack of money, and you feel like money’s always been a problem, or has been for a really long time. (Some of the members of the Living Turnaround group mentioned this…..OK, all of them).

What do you do, in that case, that keeps you from stability with money?

Make a list. Really answer the question thoroughly. Be specific. Sometimes, you even have to observe yourself for a week (or longer) and watch what you do and catch all the moments, because it’s easy to forget or be unaware.

Academics and researchers might calls this collecting the data.

You’re being like a scientist with yourself, watching, looking, taking notes. Don’t let shame or guilt come in and slam the door on this looking!! (I had that happen all the time around eating issues and was very secretive for fear of other peoples’ judgment).

So long ago, when I was getting help for this weird binge-eating behavior I seemed to live with….I studied what was going on during those binges. I wrote down what was happening. I wrote down what I had experienced earlier, before the urge to binge began. What was my state of hunger physically? Who did I encounter? What was I thinking?

Then…you can answer this next interesting question:

What’s the worst that could happen if you did the OPPOSITE of this behavior or activity? What would bother you about doing this? What’s the danger lurking for you, when you think about not doing this activity you’ve been doing–maybe for years?

So, in my example (lacking eating peace) I would wonder by writing in my journal about why, if I stopped binge-eating, I might find this threatening? What would disturb me about stopping this behavior?

I know.

If you had asked me without explaining that something important is going on that prevents normal behavior with food, or if you asked me what I would have been afraid of if I stopped binge-eating, I might not have been able to think of one single answer.

I might have even said….WHAT??! Are you crazy? It would be GREAT to no longer have cravings and then stuff myself, it’s what I always wanted….to STOP suffering from an eating disorder.

But just open your mind a little and give this a minute.

What if you are not ridiculous, and what if there isn’t anything wrong with you?

What if your mind is a genius at making sure you avoid, at all costs, what could really be emotionally, physically, or spiritually painful?

What if this idea of no longer having your actions (in my case “binge-eating”) available to you made you raw, exposed, nervous…..for any reason whatsoever?

What kind of young woman would be afraid of stopping binge-eating behavior?

As it turned out, there were several reasons why I would be afraid to stop binge-eating.

One was, because in between binges, I was always thinking I should be starving myself. I DID starve myself. I used lots of willpower to push really hard in athletics.

I was also terrified to speak of my true inner feelings (we don’t do that in this family) or to show I felt upset about anything.

So, feeling super upset, sad, afraid started having a wild condensed response to it….all piled and smashed up in a ball of unexpressed energy inside, and it exploded out with binge-eating (and purging, for me).

Now my behavior was very extreme.

This can be done with much more quiet and mild behaviors. You don’t have to be a crazed addicted-acting person to study yourself (some of us need things to be extreme or super obvious, apparently).

If you have a mild case of doing something you wish you wouldn’t….or NOT doing something you wish you would….

….really consider very, very deeply what you might be afraid of, if you stopped this uncomfortable behavior, or if you started doing the thing you wish you’d do.

What is it about the ACTION or NON-ACTION itself you want to learn from?

It’s your teacher.

Usually, the normal way to address human behavior that needs “correction” is to fix it ASAP. Get a diet, get an exercise plan, mark your calendar, force yourself to “do” it, ignore the fears.

As I said, several people in the Living Turnarounds group mentioned trouble with money.

Been there.

You can do this around money and your relationship to it. Notice if you feel you MUST have it, you need it to survive, you grab for it, you store it.

Or, maybe you stay really foggy with it. You have no idea how much is in your bank account, you write checks you’re not sure will clear, you borrow and owe. Some part of you doesn’t like seeing how much you actually have (hint: it’s dangerous).

What does this behavior mean about the world, about you, about people you’ve known or encountered?

Study your fears.

I really hated (at first) seeing what I was most afraid of in my late teens and early twenties.

They were thoughts like….I can’t make it on my own, but I should. People are critical (“people” being parents mostly). I have nothing to offer. I can’t do it perfectly (so why bother trying). People don’t really care about the honest me. You can’t say what you really think or feel (people get hurt). If thin, people will love respect me. If I’m not in great physical condition, people could criticize me. Food is the only pleasure I have. Food is easy to find everywhere, and comforting. I love eating forbidden foods, no one tells me what to do for once. When I’m eating, I don’t have to think about what I “should” be accomplishing, I don’t have to push myself, I can finally quit trying to be perfect every second of the day.

How could it be helping you to do that activity you notice you criticize yourself for doing? How could it be helping you to NOT do that activity you wish you’d do?

This is a huge topic, and there are ways to break it down slowly, carefully, one step at a time….

….but I say, run with it.

Wonder what you’re afraid of. Ask the powerful question Byron Katie asks “what’s the WORST that could happen?”

Keep a “thought journal”. (If you’ve been on retreat with me, especially at Breitenbush, I always hand out thought catchers to carry around with you–little notebooks to write down your stressful thoughts).

Who would you be without your story?

You’d be living your turnarounds.

“A man that flies from his fear may find that he has only taken a short cut to meet it.” ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” ~ Joseph Campbell

And the best news of all?

The cave, the fear, will follow you until you enter it or take a look at it. You don’t even have to worry about avoiding it endlessly, or how you’re going to address it. It’s probably not up to you, anyway.

Drop the “probably”.

Much love,

Grace