Grace, Author at Question with Grace

July 27, 2016

She should communicate with me!

Have you ever been ghosted?

Oh man. The open imagination when someone is giving you the silent “treatment” is strange and difficult, if you don’t have inquiry to question your thoughts.

Your mind races in so many tangents. You wonder if that person who isn’t responding to you, or who is not making eye contact, or who isn’t saying anything….

….is scheming against you, or angry with you, or hating you, or thinking you’re unworthy and stupid and too boring or undeserving to care about.

I mean, wow.

I’ve had two people “ghost” me in my life. Talk about going off on a tangent! Even though I already KNEW I didn’t KNOW what it fully meant.

How could I?

The response I was getting was…..silence.

In childhood psychological development studies, researchers have observed sometimes children prefer negative, violent or critical communication over NO communication.

“Give me something….anything. What’s wrong? What’d I do?”

Let’s take a look today at this very painful belief when it runs in the mind: that person should communicate with me.

A memory.

I have an amazing friend who I’ve known only for about two years. We’ve had long conversations about human psychology and development. We share graduate studies in human behavior.

Our connection builds over time, with walks and dinners and attending a fabulous women’s retreat together (which is where we met). We talk into the night.

She comes to my wedding, but I don’t see her much. I notice her absence, but the days of the wedding festivities are so full and so fabulous, I hardly pay attention.

It never crossed my mind something was wrong.

She said she didn’t feel well, and she didn’t attend the rehearsal dinner. I assumed she was taking care of herself.

A week after the wedding, once I was settled back at home with my husband (we were postponing our honeymoon adventure for the following summer) I called her.

I left a message, bubbling with enthusiasm and questions “Did you get to talk with my cousin? Did you meet my aunt and uncle? How are you feeling? So sorry you were sick during all the celebrations. Call me ASAP!”

No call.

I email.

I receive an email back “I’m sooooo busy. Sorry! Didn’t want to bother YOU after your wedding. Off to another wedding, will make contact in a few weeks once my schedule relaxes.”

A month goes by.

I email again.

“Is everything OK?”

I didn’t ask “Are you upset with me?” because I genuinely didn’t have the slightest thought she could be.

So funny, when I know now what she was upset about. She was disturbed by something that never happened, but I can see completely how she was mistaken because of my dry sense of humor when writing.

Or who knows. She saw me through her glasses, and it was someone dangerous. Someone doing something wrong. Someone to be critical of.

I didn’t know it yet, though.

I just felt uneasy.

She should communicate with me.

Is it true?

Yes. This is weird. I love her. We are super close. She’s like a sister to me.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true, she should communicate?

No. I really can’t know this. And I am very happy, without the communication. My life was especially fun and sweet at that moment, post wedding.

How did I react when believing she should communicate?

I begin to review my behavior, or try to guess what’s going on, and I cannot find anything, so I let it go…..over and over again. I compulsively think I must have missed something. I begin to think she just didn’t like something about the wedding? She was uncomfortable with the non-traditional character of it? She didn’t like the people. Something?

I even think “Fine. Be that way” and find benefits for not being her friend. I call her names in my head. I create a list of faults. I’m better off without her.

But it bothers me, like a splinter that won’t come out.

I talk with other friends about it.

I realize I haven’t been fully, completely honest. If I really opened up my heart and spoke freely, I’d call her again and ask her some questions and tell her how I feel.

First, I do The Work. I feel clear.

My living turnaround is “I should communicate with her”.

I call her.

Voice Mail.

I say “I really love and miss you. I’m wondering if something happened. Did I do something to trouble you? You mean so much to me. I just really wanted you to know, I love you.”

I say this with a lot of words, I share some events, I’m trying to stay casual and not make a big dramatic thing out of it. The voice mail even cuts me off and I go ahead and call back and finish my message and say “Goodbye! I hope we get the chance to talk, if you’re able!”

She emails back thanking me for the sweet phone messages and apologizing for all the time gone by and she’s incredibly busy and just can’t talk right now.

I listen a think “huh.”

Maybe the intimate connection was not as I thought.

Who would I be without the belief “she should communicate with me”?

I’d notice she DID communicate with me.

Maybe this is a friendly universe, telling me who not to talk with.

I am indeed an extremely introverted person who adores spending time alone.

I turn the thought around every way possible:

She should not communicate with me. I should communicate with her. I should communicate with myself.

One at a time, I look at these turned around statements.

Given what I learned several months later, I realize she definitely couldn’t communicate with me. Not given what she mistakenly thought I did. But without knowing this yet, in that moment, the way it was good for me that she shouldn’t communicate was where I found my examples: I didn’t have to plan long drives to meet her at an expensive restaurant somewhere, spend a lot of money, feel sleepy the following morning after our binge-conversations. I didn’t have to say “no” to too-frequent invites to get together.

I should communicate with her. Yes, it was so powerful to feel the vulnerability of calling and leaving two messages in a row and saying I loved her. It felt like I exposed the full truth, no matter what she thought of me or what was going on. In the end, there was love.

I should communicate with myself in this situation. Yes, I should enjoy my own thoughts, my own mind trying to sort things out. I should notice what an interesting person I find myself to be, and how much I love, and how good it feels to be a lover of what is.

How could it be good news that person doesn’t communicate with you as you like? What if their communication level is just perfect, not too little, not too much?

“And it appears that I always have a preference for the thing happening now. I prefer the sun in the morning, and I prefer the moon at night. And I prefer to be with the person in front of me now.” ~ Byron Katie

If YOU are the one in front of you now….oh boy. What a treat, what a treat.

Thank you to everyone who gave me the incredible gift of silence, thank you. It’s not always easy.

Or maybe….I could question that.

Much love, Grace

P.S. I’m offering a masterclass webinar next week (you can choose August 4th or August 9th) addressing places we get stuck in inquiry. This concept that someone should communicate differently, or at all, is often one of those sticky, painful concepts, especially if you think badly of yourself because of the silence of someone else. Join me to learn about ways to help yourself get un-stuck with your work. We’ll have an awesome time. To reserve your seat, visit here.

July 25, 2016

Peace Talk: Sam-I-Am Practice for Who You’d Be

Peace Talk Episode 118: Do you notice sometimes, The Work feels like the LAST thing you want to do when you’re overwhelmed with heavy emotion?

Like….I don’t know….say, ANGER, for example?

Identifying common ways people get stuck in self-inquiry can be so helpful….ultimately for yourself.

When you study the ways many humans stop allowing insight like The Work to work, you might recognize one or more of the patterns of resistance are very, very familiar.

Like me, you might think “Gosh….I do that!” (lightbulb turns on!)

As I’ve become more acutely aware of the stories I tell internally about why The Work or any self-inquiry isn’t working, I can see the symptoms of a story coming on before they get really big. Kinda like knowing you’re about to get a head cold because you have a very small tickle in your throat, as opposed to noticing you have the flu and need bedrest when you already have a temperature of 105.

In today’s Peace Talk podcast, I include a little exercise (one of my favorites) I call the Sam-I-Am Practice.

It’s super helpful for me when I’m stuck in my racing mind, frightened, angry, worried, nervous.

I love using it with Question Four the most: Who would you BE without this stressful thought?

“Can you really know that inquiry is not working?…..Be gentle with yourself. Life will bring you everything you need.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

P.S. Your comments continuing to come in about why you get blocked, confused or stuck sometimes in The Work are awesome. So, so helpful. It reminds me, we are all one mind–there are no new thoughts! I’ll be using your feedback and all this fantastic information in my upcoming masterclasses in early August….on dissolving barriers to inquiry.

If you know you want to join for sure, the two masterclass options are scheduled for August 4th 5:30-7:30 pm PT and August 9th 9-11 am. You can save your seat here.

July 24, 2016

Stay until you lose your fear

fearmonster — Is what you see really true?

I am stunned by all the responses and comments I’ve been getting to my question….”what are your barriers or sticky points when it comes to The Work?”

If you didn’t get to chime in, you can do it here. It’s one question, that’s it. Be as wordy or as brief as you like.

I’m so glad I’m asking people this question.

Once again, I feel very Not Alone when it comes to the intensity, the power, the fear or the resistance that can be generated in the mind.

You have been sharing quite deeply and honestly.

And the thing is, we all don’t realize we’re thinking a lot of the same things.

It’s like we’ve got this incredible “unit” (the brain) and it works quickly, it’s fantastic at identifying what might threaten us, and it’s running our lives!

Not always in a good way. You know what I’m talking about.

Stress. Worry. Sadness. Disappointment. Suffering.

But reading peoples’ answers about why they bump up against a brick wall when doing The Work, or why they stay kind of fogged out and unclear around how to handle their issues….

….I was struck by something I remembered Byron Katie doing in the recent Being With Byron Katie retreat.

She also speaks about it in Loving What Is.

It is that fear is extremely powerful.

(But not as powerful as love, I notice).

Fear is believing your stressful thoughts. Fear is believing you have cause to worry. It’s believing something terrible happened, and will happen again.

My daughter returns after being with her father for a week.

I’ve bought her a gift that arrived while she was gone. I say “I ordered you a shirt, I think you’ll love it!”

This is rare. I don’t notice or acquire many things, or gifts that are items. I like giving experiences and theater tickets and dates out and trips to special places.

She says “that’s funny, I ordered a shirt for myself, and it looks like the same kind of package.”

Sure enough, while she was away, she bought the exact same t-shirt.

She said with a critical voice “Don’t you remember, I used your credit card to buy it in the first place, and gave you cash? You don’t pay attention to anything.”

She sees me trying it on, now that it looks like I could wear it myself, and adds “and do NOT wear that shirt EVER at the same time as I’m wearing mine!”

I feel the sting of hurt, as I stand there in the kitchen with the t-shirt pulled over my summer tank top. I take it off quickly.

My mind says “she’s so mean” and “she’s so critical” and “she hates me” and “we haven’t seen each other in a week and she has to….” I have a reaction of sadness, then a defense that wants to push out at her.

It’s like an energy that wants to crunch down tightly around this moment, this situation, kind of like a contraction when I was giving birth to this same daughter. All the muscles tighten, the sense of air between us tightens, I want to go to my room.

It’s fear.

Mind says grand statements chattering away like “never!” or “always!” and “depressing!” about the way she acts, or how it is between us.

Is any of that absolutely true?

No.

Who would I be without these thoughts? Who would I be without the feeling of separation between ME and HER? Without me thinking she shouldn’t mind if I wear the same t-shirt as her?!

I don’t even want to wear that t-shirt, to be honest.

What if I could turn everything around I’m objecting to? Allowing it to feel like rain pattering in the room.

Lovely. Sound. Daughter. Shirt. Gift. Not.

She should say these things to me. I shouldn’t say all the things I say to her. I shouldn’t say all the things I say to myself.

Yes, like I shouldn’t use the moment to feel disappointment, or proof I’ve done parenting wrong, or to suddenly have a mood change from open and eager to closed and hurt.

I shouldn’t be following all my thoughts and jumping to wild conclusions like this means HATE and this means CRITICISM. I notice I’m lucky she’s honest, direct, blunt and clear. She’s very loving, too. She helps me slow everything down to simplicity.

Major discussions are not necessary. We don’t need to hash out things for hours.

She also moves on very quickly, not holding resentment. We talk later, like the t-shirt incident never happened.

I notice after The Work, I adore her. Even though she went to bed hours ago and she’s not in the room with me and nowhere in sight, except in my thoughts.

And I then think the thought that changes it all, in an instant.

Examples for why I shouldn’t speak meanly to myself, I shouldn’t talk to me with criticism. I shouldn’t say I’ve been a bad parent.

I’m an awesome parent. I’m doing the best I can. I’m being lived. I’m not doing this. I’m not guilty.

No fear.

A sense of trust.

Yes, also a mind saying “but what about tomorrow when this might happen again” but I don’t automatically think it’s true.

Katie answers a question from someone in the Q & A section at the end of Loving What Is: What if my suffering is too intense?

She responds: “In this state, it’s very difficult to do The Work for the love of truth because you’re invested in your story. Your story is your identity, and you’d do almost anything to prove that it’s true.”

That’s the power of fear.

I must prove my story (daughter hates me, is mean to me, rejects me) and this story is a bad, sad story. I cannot love what is. Impossible. Reality got this wrong.

Here again, I notice love is more powerful. If love is truth, clarity, willingness to stop and sit with this, willingness to give up my story.

I wrote an ebook looking at some very useful ingredients that helped me slow down and stay with this profound inquiry process known as The Work. Pillars to hold it steady, really.

The Work for me is not just a bunch of questions….it’s a way to open to a new, more expansive, mysterious world. A brilliant one.

I’d love for you to have the eguide: Four Pillars To Deepen The Work and Bring It Home To Yourself.

One of the pillars is STAY. I share what this means for me.

Download the eguide here.

Let me know what you think, and share it freely with anyone if you like. I hope you’ll use it, if you’ve noticed your own blocks, barriers, walls or resistance to doing The Work, like you’re not finding answers bringing greater love.

“Stay until you lose your fear….Ego can’t stand up to ‘Is It True?’ in the silence.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

July 22, 2016

Eating Peace: What happens when you question “this is ugly!”

It’s so common to think your body is ugly, or some part of it is ugly, that I used to not even notice I was thinking it.

It was automatic. Like…of COURSE that needs improvement. Of COURSE that’s gross.

But after I learned how to do The Work of Byron Katie and question my stressful thoughts, I applied it to the belief “this is ugly”.

Wow.

In today’s video I share something I saw on my body not long ago, and I stared at it in fascination (a scar). In the past I would have thought of it as ugly, but on the inside I didn’t feel that old pain at all.

I give credit for that freedom to The Work.

You can do this, too.

Eating Peace: Do you think something about your body is ugly? You can find peace with this kind of thinking.

Much love,

Grace

July 20, 2016

Three Underworld Beliefs that keep The Work (enlightenment) away

snuffedcandles — Are you believing some thoughts that keep you in the dark?

I remember my March 2005 School for The Work.

It was a truly remarkable experience for me. Like, one of the most transformational times of my entire life.

Something in my mind cracked apart as I began to understand what it really meant to have stories….stressful stories….about being a human being. I had spent so much of my life scared and nervous.

And it wasn’t necessary.

Before going to the School and hanging out with Byron Katie, I had never really understood, even though I had read Loving What Is, what it actually meant to genuinely answer the question “Is it true?”

It occurred to me, each day that passed during those nine days in March 2005, that I could ask this question “is it true?” not only about the troubling relationships or encounters I had in my life, but also about money, my body, my family, my home, my childhood, my identity, the future….

….basically every single story I ever had.

Woah.

Then, I left.

I felt almost giddy on the airplane home. So much less fear. Like a weight had been lifted off of me about where, how, when, or what life was supposed to be like.

I realized, I didn’t know anything for sure–in a really good way! Not a scary way!

A few weeks went by.

And a few months.

Yes, I took long walks listening to the music I first heard in the School of Deva Premal (gorgeous). Yes, I connected with new friends I had just met at that school, and we talked on the phone. Yes, my life had unexpected changes that propelled me to continue my self-examination. Yes, I traded facilitation of The Work with people as often as possible at first, then a little less, then a crisis and it would be more, then a little less, then a little less, then….

It was early fall. Almost six months since that nine day school.

I saw a post come across my email announcing someone who was teaching a teleclass where everyone would be doing The Work.

I had the thought:

“Why on earth would I ever pay to take a course in The Work? It’s only four questions. I know what to do! I’ve been to the School for The Work for crying out loud.”

But even though I was then going through separation in my marriage, and my life was entirely up in the air, I just didn’t seem to get around to doing The Work all the time, like I had before.

What is that?

We know we enjoy something, we know we feel better, we know it provides awareness, or relief, or health, or greater joy.

But there’s such an urge to find, at least in me (and I’ve heard from others) an Easier Softer Way.

Sure, I’ll do The Work if I’m about to go insane, or I’m really freaking out, but if things are groovin’ along OK, then why bother?

It’s like there’s a big energy (call it ego if you like) that doesn’t want to work, doesn’t want to discover a damn thing, wants everything to be easy, wants to remain a victim or someone who is being tortured (oh the drama), and really feels threatened by the actual loss of Story Power.

I say Story Power because oooooh, doesn’t a great story have amazing power to make you laugh, cry, snort, sob, howl, release, feel excited?

I love stories! Stories are so awesome!

However…NOT when I forget they’re stories, and NOT when they appear to be frightening stories. (I don’t go to horror movies, I just invent them in my mind).

As I watched this phenomena within myself take place of moving in and out of stories, taking something very seriously, taking something personally, feeling conflict….

….I noticed some interesting patterns.

There were three typical ways I’d stop doing The Work, and start thinking obsessively instead.

They came out of believing the following concepts to be very, very true. So true, I couldn’t answer the four questions anymore. I was busy!

1) I need more information

Oh boy. Have you ever had this idea?

I need to study, gather, ask tons of questions, read, analyze, get more data, figure out who did it, how it happened, and if I did something wrong. I have to figure this out, map it out, explain it. I have to find out what’s worked for other people, or not worked, I have to see if anything terrible has ever happened to anyone who answered the questions. Must. Get. More.

(This can keep you very busy, very distracted, very active for a lifetime. Just saying. Not that I would know about it).

2) I can do it by myself

Relying on other people is such a pain! Anything worth doing has to be done because I want to, not anyone else. Yeah, that’s right! Don’t I have to do most things by myself, anyway? Shouldn’t I be able to figure life out on my own? I mean, really. Come on. Depending on others for help is a major hassle. I prefer independence.

(I don’t know about you, but this kept me from going to therapy for several years even though I was a wreck, kept me from joining scary support groups, and kept me from being authentically honest with other humans, and kept me from asking for help.

And, oh yeah, from doing The Work thoroughly and deeply. When on my own, I did The Work in five minutes. While driving.)

3) I’d rather forget than face my fears

This one isn’t always up front in consciousness, because the very nature of this thought is to stay murky, and avoid and make sure no matter what, the scary vision is not faced.

I would act like I wanted to look and examine things directly, but gosh, I have errands to run, movies to watch, work to do, money to count or earn, dishes to wash. It’s so uncomfortable to look at these inner painful thoughts and situations from the past. Can’t we just forget about it all? I don’t want to get too stirred up!

These efforts to Not See would show up in various forms and activities repeatedly.

I even started recognizing different small patterns. Call them fog, or smog, as I’ve heard Byron Katie refer to confusion or lack of clarity.

Today, I’d love to hear from you. But only if you’ve ever noticed something sticky, or a barrier, or fog entering your vision.

Why?

Because I’m putting together a masterclass on a whole myriad of ways I’ve found the trickster mind, or ego, or self-centered identity, try to move away from The Work (or any kind of peace and rest, in any situation).

I find this impulse incredibly fascinating, and I’ve discovered that shining a light on it has brought a deep awareness.

Have you felt like The Work doesn’t work for you sometimes? Have you noticed how the funny mind has a whole commentary about questioning thought? Have you laughed at how goofy it is that you bump up against the very same issues over and over again?

If you would be so kind to say a few words in this survey, I’ll know to address whatever you share in the classes in early August.

It would be so wonderful if you would take only 4 minutes to answer one question about your experience with The Work (it’s anonymous): Click Here

The things you don’t work, I call them the Underworld. Because without those worked, [ego] overrides awareness. Like smog. Dirty water you can’t see through. Unfinished business…..The ego loves Yeah, but….” ~ Byron Katie during Being With Byron Katie 2016

Today, eleven years after that first School for The Work, I’m still learning almost daily. I find this stunning. I love The Work more than I once did, I think. How very odd. You would think I’d have gotten bored by now, considering my busy brain.

But it’s a phenomenal adventure, letting go of the personal identity and need to argue with reality, or with life….and opening up to more love than I ever thought possible.

Can’t wait to hear more about your apparent “problems” and play with the “solutions” to really “getting” this work. My favorite.

Much love, Grace

P.S. Even though I accidentally sent a link to the upcoming August masterclasses a wee bit early the other day, I wasn’t quite ready with it yet. Ugly registration page! I’ll be sure to keep you posted so you can sign up at the end of next week. And if You DID sign up, we got you covered (you’re in).

July 19, 2016

Forgive yourself for seeking approval: Peace Talk podcast

When I was a kid, I distinctly remember not caring about other peoples’ approval.

Not all the time.

But I remember the feeling really well, like a free-form state of absolute comfort being alone with myself.

This may have been age 4.

Then something happened (like I share in the newest Peace Talk Episode 117) where I felt driven by the need for approval and doing it right, instead of doing whatever I wanted to do.

And from there the concerned continued. I was critical of myself for wanting approval.

Oyes, I couldn’t win.

The other day, considering my own inquiry, I noticed a loosening up on a belief I didn’t even realized was pretty stressful: I shouldn’t have wanted my grandpa’s approval so badly.

Or my mom’s. Or my dad’s. Or all my sisters or grandparents, teachers, adults….well, the list goes on into adulthood.

I shouldn’t have wanted their approval, is it true?

Peace Talk is now on IHeartRadio, too.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. I am planning a wonderful masterclass with slides and interaction, to look at the big reasons I’ve heard (or, ahem, experienced myself) about why The Work or inquiring into a thought doesn’t seem to “work”, when it doesn’t.

I’ve got a great list to share. If you’re interested….you’ll be the first to sign up. Just click here to register. Share the link with any inquirers you know who might love to participate to find out why, how, where or what they’re getting stuck in.

July 18, 2016

What she said really, really hurt

depressed1 — When someone called you a name, did you believe them?

I receive a lot of emails but one of my favorites came in yesterday.

Subject line: the work works

“I sat down and wrote a Trash Your Neighbor. By the time I had written, fumed, and done The Work, the whole dynamic shifted. The part that surprised me was the change in [other person]. We had a lovely evening. With love and gratitude to you, Mom.”

First of all, my heart bursts with how cute my own mom is and the way she does The Work. She even took one of my classes on doing The Work When You Work For Yourself (back before it became the class on Money). She’s had her own business for 25 years.

But my favorite part was the way Judge Your Neighbor has become Trash Your Neighbor.

Isn’t that hilarious?

And it really is the spirit of the thing.

Childlike, adolescent, mean, nasty, feisty, unedited, judgey, critical, rude, name-calling.

Many people can hardly write this way at the beginning. They feel so bad about their thoughts. So embarrassed!

When people DO go ahead and write their worksheet, they think, “If this person ever read these words I’ve written about them, or found this Judge Your Neighbor (er, or is that Trash Your Neighbor) Worksheet, or heard me say this…..they would be mortified. I would be mortified. They would be wounded to the core.

People have asked me to shred their worksheet when we’re done with a mini retreat, or a session. I even have a dark brown unmarked envelope where I keep JYNs for people in storage, in between the times they visit to do The Work.

A memory.

I’m hiding under one of my sister’s beds, the one I’m closest to in age. I dove there when we heard footsteps coming up from the ground floor, most likely one of our other sisters (there are four of us girls altogether).

I whisper “if it’s E, ask her what she thinks about me and DON’T SAY I’M HERE!”

E enters the room. I can feel it, from under the bed. I can see her shoes moving towards the middle of the floor, closer to my other sister.

My other sister, the one I feel closer to, says a little awkwardly….”so, hey, um, I have a question for you, um, so what do you think of Grace?”

Pause. Silence hangs in the air.

“I think she’s a bitch.”

A huge sweep of shame rises from my gut through my chest into my face and while E says….

….”Wait, is she in here?”….

….I fly like lightening from under the bed and race out of the room in less than one second, skipping stairs two or three at a time down, through the kitchen, out the door, running through the alley and in the street. Just, running. Tears coming out of my eyes.

After awhile, I slow down, pause, I turn around, and I start to walk slowly back home.

It’s almost dinner time when I return.

My mom rings the cow bell and everyone is supposed to come right away who hasn’t been assigned table-setting duty.

I go to the table, and fake like nothing happened. Conversation, eating, passing the salt, quiet. E and I never look at each other. She’s across the table and one seat over. I pretend she doesn’t exist. My cheeks are hot.

Now, I’m doing my work on that moment, so aware it felt like a horror show, the feelings were so immense of hurt. And guilt.

She trashed me! And I heard it!

I do this work from my 11 year old self, right in that vivid moment.

She shouldn’t think I’m a bitch. I need her to love me.

Is it true?

Yes. This is horrible. I can’t take the crushing criticism. I should have known. She hates me.

Are you absolutely sure she shouldn’t think you’re a bitch? Are you sure you need her to love you?

Are you sure they’re saying that MEANS it’s TRUE? Is it really something to be ashamed of?

No.

How do I react when one of my sisters says about me that I’m a bitch?

Devastated. Shocked. Wall goes up between me and this person, like a 4 foot cement barrier, never to come down.

She even used a swear word.

So who would I be without this thought that she shouldn’t have thought what she thought, said what she said, and shouldn’t have called me a bitch?

Well. My first thought, from my 11 year old self, is “it’s a free country”!

In other words, people can think what they think, feel what they feel. I mean, jeez.

Without the thought that I’m destroyed by it, or should be ashamed, or that I need her to not have ever said, or thought, I’m a bitch….

….I might wake up to how angry she is with me.

Gosh, I wonder why.

Maybe it’s because I ignore, manipulate, hide under beds and play tricks on her. Maybe it’s because I never ask her a single question about herself or her life.

Maybe she’s right! Gasp!

I turn the thought around: she should think I’m a bitch, and she definitely shouldn’t love me….Now that I’ve seen how I treat her, I might think the same thing.

I shouldn’t think she’s a bitch. I shouldn’t think she’s someone awful, or boring, or worthy of ignoring or mocking (I’ve done it) or teasing or tricking.

And finally, I shouldn’t think I am a bitch. The minute she said it, my whole body froze and went into panic mode with shame and fear.

Truth be told, I needed that ice cold bucket of water over my oldest-sister oldest-daughter boss-of-everyone attitude. It was probably about time.

I didn’t have The Work back then.

But I did have connection, and the ability to have a broken heart. Like other humans, I had feelings. So did my sisters. It was a wake-up call to respecting them, and to not taking everything so incredibly personally.

A growing up moment. A moment I can revisit, over 40 years later, and notice how the universe supported me by hearing those words.

I see now, in moments like this, what Byron Katie means when she says “love kills”.

I knew there was something cracked open there, in that moment age eleven…..and it came from lack of love.

“Love is the power, and it won’t be distracted.” ~ Byron Katie

Thank you to everyone who called me names. Those brave souls breathed some significant life into my inner growth, acceptance, kindness, gentleness and capacity to love. It raised the fire up, I felt the passion of the “cut” and knew who to move towards and connect with.

Me. Them. Us.

That same sister, ten years later, I adored and respected…..and still do.

She really, really hurt me? More like, she really, really helped me.

Maybe even healed me by slowing down a huge 11 year old ego-fire, or a huge 11 year old ultra-sensitive scaredy cat.

Actually, she’s the one who suggested the School for The Work.

Need I say more?

Much love,

Grace

July 18, 2016

Are you sure it’s disappointing?

if you're disappointed....time to question your thoughts — if you’re disappointed….time to question your thoughts

In the past year, I’ve received a few questions from people connected to the Institute for The Work (ITW) about credits for programs I offer, but especially Year of Inquiry.

(In case you’re not familiar with ITW, it’s a very thorough in-depth training and certification program in Facilitation of The Work created by Byron Katie and many others in 2008).

I finally decided to write to the institute friends and ask about whether or not Year of Inquiry could offer more credits for these folks training to become certified facilitators.

Just the other day, I found out….not yet.

First, I need to offer some of their teleclasses inside the Institute, and teach their curriculum.

It makes sense. They need to see me in action as a teacher, get evaluations from people taking the courses, get super familiar with the curriculum inside ITW.

I had this little let-down though.

I had gotten all excited. They ran it by Katie. It sounded like I might very well be able to call my one year program the equivalent to a 9 day School for The Work plus 80 more hours of partner training in facilitation.

That would have been a lot of credits people could get, for taking Year of Inquiry!

Have you ever found out some exciting, maybe unexpected news….and thought Oh Cool! That sounds great!

You get excited and have visions of the way it will be.

It was like a little journey inside the head….I might be able to offer ALL THOSE CREDITS to people….wowwee!

Imagination goes off on thrilled tangent at how awesome it is because more people will like this and sign up, it will help them, this is an acknowledgement of the beauty of the program.

Then….wait. No, it turns out. Not gonna happen.

Imagination goes off on a disappointed tangent. Too bad because now no one will sign up, people like credits so they won’t like this, I’m doing it wrong.

It is HILARIOUS how the mind runs rampant with one new idea, and what it thinks it means, all in a course of literally a few days.

Now, here’s the great, great, great and I mean great news about all this.

There was a strong part of me, a place I was looking from the whole time, that was unmoved and completely undisturbed.

It had no idea what would be best here. It watched with a neutral eye.

It’s like there was a twinkle of fun in the whole thing.

And I notice plans for Year of Inquiry moving forward, with joy, with or without credits.

How do I know I’m supposed to carry on, and for now it doesn’t matter? It feels right. It feels brilliant and exciting.

It feels like the perfect format for some people, those who don’t care about certification credits (just like it’s always been so far) who want to keep returning to The Work over and over, week after week, every month, all year.

Year of Inquiry is for those who want to answer the four questions deeply without giving up or quitting, or dreaming of doing The Work without DOING it.

I organized it because I needed it, and I still love it.

The most remarkable people tend to show up. This is not surprising. People who know they want to quiet themselves down, slow their minds down, and become more loving and kind with the world and with themselves.

Who would I be without the story that having mega-credits to offer participants in Year of Inquiry would have been the better outcome?

Trusting. Happy. Laughing.

Thrilled to implement the newer format I have planned, and the longer 4 day retreats for both autumn and spring, and the new webinar that’ll be at the beginning of each month on the topic with guidance through a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, and the more in-depth partner work for those who want it, and the monthly in-person group again.

Who would you be, right in this moment, without the belief that it should have gone that other way? The way you were hoping it might go, even if just for awhile?

Who would you be without the belief that you should have been with that other partner, or it would have been better in the other job or position, or it would have been better if you got the second house instead of the first, or it would be better if you had a possible $25 instead of the $10 in your hand right now, or you had gotten the green one instead of the red one?

Turning the thought around: the way it’s going is perfect. Everything unfolding in just the right timing, in just the right way, for the highest good for all.

Can you find this feeling within, for your situation?

How could this be as true, or truer, for the Year of Inquiry program?

Well, I don’t have to evaluate others on their facilitation skills or their awareness, or for any reason at all. I don’t need to “grade” anyone. Or myself. I’m learning from everyone there.

People can come to Year of Inquiry to immerse themselves in however much inquiry they want, it’s all optional, there’s nothing mandatory or required. It’s sooooo easy for me (and what I’ve been learning is true about life–that nothing’s required–even when I think something is).

I get to relax and see who shows up, and notice how quiet, peaceful and silent this moment is right now….no matter what’s going on in the mind.

I can do whatever I want, make changes whenever I want, take suggestions and new ideas whenever I want. Last year we started an in-person group because someone in YOI wanted more face-to-face contact. Bam. It was created.

How would I ever possibly be able to know that the other alternative I was dreaming of for a few days….would have been better?

How do I know it wasn’t supposed to happen? It didn’t.

That goes for everything that didn’t happen.

Wow.

“The past is an illusion (over). The future is an illusion (not happened yet) so any time you’re worried, you’re worried over….Nothing. That’s how friendly the Universe is.” ~ Byron Katie in Being With Byron Katie 2016

“Return is the movement of the Tao. Yielding is the way of the Tao.” ~ Tao Te Ching #40

Much love,

Grace

P.S. If you have the idea you might love doing The Work for a year with other marvelous and interesting people….and you wonder if The Work could really be helpful for you….I’ll be offering two live masterclass webinars in August on how to dissolve barriers to your process in The Work, when Year of Inquiry is still open for early-bird registration. August 4 or August 9. More soon. Just a little heads-up special for Grace Note readers.

July 16, 2016

When the ego wants to be right….even about very negative things (including you)

lightincave — When something is frightening, ask ‘is it true?’ in the silence, and wait

A young woman in the audience of Byron Katie raised her hand because she didn’t know how to write her worksheet.

Her thoughts were about herself.

She was worried about what other people were telling her she was like: prone to self-destruction. A suicide risk perhaps.

As I’ve heard Katie do so many times with others, Katie guided this beautiful young student to find a situation where she was most worried about suicide, or self-destructive behavior.

Katie asked available staff to help this girl write a clear worksheet about someone else, or other people, related to these feelings. And not make it all about her.

Because this first step….writing a worksheet….is so deeply, profoundly helpful for sitting with a stressful situation and allowing yourself to see what you really believed in the middle of it.

Especially when it’s not all about you.

The part of you hell bent on proving you can change (or can NOT change), or fixing yourself, or getting out of a difficult situation….

….has to step aside for awhile, and you get to be unedited about the world, about reality (those people). Your childish thoughts come out.

This is good. No more hiding.

To my surprise, later when the girl returned and sat on stage with Katie to do The Work, her worksheet was on a good friend of hers texting to say he was going to kill himself.

I was surprised, because I thought she was going to find a situation where her parents, or a teacher, or a psychiatrist was telling her she’d have to be careful or worry about her introverted, depressive nature or something.

My mind had already raced off, wondering about what interesting situation she might find in her life that would be great “proof” of her need to worry about suicidal feelings.

What? You mean what my mind pictured wasn’t even close to what she shared?

Ha ha.

I loved her simple worksheet, and the brand new picture that sprang into my mind as she read her stressful thoughts out loud.

He shouldn’t put his problems on me. He is needy. He shouldn’t burden me with this. He should get professional help.

Have you ever thought this about someone?

It doesn’t even matter if they’re suicidal or not. I’ve had these kinds of thoughts with friends or family or strangers on the train.

Is it true, they shouldn’t be telling you their problems? Is it true they’re burdening you? Are you sure they need professional help (whatever that is)?

Hmmm. No.

Something feels uncomfortable about it, though.

I love Katie’s question she asks sometimes to allow what really scares you to come into focus….”what’s the worst that could happen? What are you afraid of?”

Of course, the thing I was most afraid of when someone was seriously distressed, freaking out, suicidal and/or drinking? (OK, I admit it now, I’ve had a few boyfriends with these dark-cloud angst-ridden personalities….in the past).

They kill themselves. They succeed!

This is what the girl on stage feared, too.

I noticed the vision would come to mind of them being found, or me learning they succeeded this time. I’d feel my heart jump, and not want to picture such a terrible thing.

That’s how I reacted with the belief they could kill themselves.

Seeing it. Frightened. Thinking I should do something, like go find them and make sure they’re OK, be a “good friend”.

I had to do something! Right?

Suddenly I have a vivid image come to mind. I’m in a 12 Step Meeting about 30 years ago now, miserable, sick, hopeless.

I actually speak, which is a shocker to me now considering how awful I felt and full of despair. I cried and said into the still, listening air of the room, that I couldn’t “do” this (referring to life). I couldn’t seem to stop binge-eating, I couldn’t quit, I was a total failure and I wished I were dead.

There was a silent pause in the room.

Then after a few moments, someone else went next, and my turn was over. No rescuing, no response. The way it always is in a 12 step meeting. It works well this way. No cross talk.

But near the end of the meeting, a note was pressed into my hand that came down the line of people sitting in the chairs in the row I was in.

I never knew who this note was from.

In a delicate sort of old, ball-point pen elegant, and slightly wobbly, cursive writing, someone wrote….”there is a quality of negative grandiosity in suicidal despair.”

I don’t remember all the words after those. The mysterious person went on to write that my life was important, and worthy of living. I saved that note for years and years in my wallet.

What I always remember, though, is the phrase “negative grandiosity”.

It hit a home run. It clunked in as true.

My ego gigantic. Grandiose with negativity and depression. With challenging the universe and shaking my fist at God or Reality or whatever you want to call it. I was one big grandiose walking egomaniac, only it was the opposite flavor of what I had been taught someone with a big ego looked like–that was someone with personal authority, bossy-ness, prestige, force, power, drive, who wanted to rule other peoples’ lives.

Me? I just wanted to rule my own, it appeared (although, not really, I had plenty of judgments about others and they all became brilliantly useful when I let them come out more clearly).

But who would I be without this whole story of terror that someone else I care about might commit suicide, and that something needs to be done to prevent it?

Wow. So much freer.

Noticing what’s true is….no one who I ever personally feared would do it, actually did it. Other people I knew, who DID do it, I hadn’t realize wanted to. I really had no idea what was going on when it came to suicide. I notice even though I felt like doing it, and thought about ways to do it (long ago) I never even took one step towards making it happen. Not one. I escaped with addiction instead.

Turning the thoughts around about that person you worry about, who seems suicidal:

I shouldn’t put my problems on myself, or him. I am needy, he’s not needy at all. I shouldn’t burden myself with this. He shouldn’t get professional help, I should.

Each turnaround of course, is a meditation all by itself. This is not the get-work-done-in-a-packaged-lump plan.

To really look, you would take one thought at a time, and turn it around all the ways you can, so you see every angle of looking rather than seeing from only your personal point of view.

But as this girl did her work with Byron Katie, I loved allowing the turnarounds to flow like a river of water over me, through my mind, discovering some of the following examples very clearly, for these turnarounds.

Yes, I shouldn’t believe this is all up to me and I’m the one who must “do” something. I notice the people I’ve worried about feeling suicidal are not here in this room. I have no idea what they’re doing or will do. The images in my head are not real. They’re images.

This is even true for the one friend I’ve known who did commit suicide. I wasn’t there. I heard the story. I have no idea what it actually looked like.

Yes, I appear needy. I am needy for these other people to live. Please live the rest of your life, happy. Like I would somehow generate some kind of guilt if they died….unless I….what? (I consider the idea again that “I” have something to do with their life, that some fault could be committed by me).

Yes, I shouldn’t burden myself with all this thinking, feeling panic, despair, urgency. I notice people in this world die, sometimes at their own hand. We have a word for it (suicide). They’re taking the best route they can see at the time. How would I know it’s wrong for them?

Yes, I can consult “professional help”, or not (thank goodness it was available when I felt suicidal so long ago. It was so lovingly helpful and life-changing).

Doing The Work itself is the ultimate professional help. It requires no other person, only me, answering questions.

“We’re not ever really dealing with people, we’re dealing with concepts. Take care of what you’re thinking and believing….Pain is produced by ego. The ego wants to be right. The ego has you want to do The Work on yourself. The ego compares. And every time–you lose….There’s nothing more fun than stillness. It’s where all the action is. I love the guidance of inquiry. The ego is powerful but it’s never more powerful than the truth.” ~ Byron Katie during Being With Byron Katie 2016

Much love,

Grace