Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
Have you often wondered why you’re eating, or why you ate the food you ate, or why you ate the way you ate?
If you’ve experienced compulsion with food, you’ve certainly wondered these things many times.
The answer to this question, for me, has really become quite simple.
The reason I’m eating (or doing anything compulsive that I really don’t want to do, or isn’t healthy for me) is because I am AFRAID!
I’ve felt threatened by something.
I’m nervous.
This might have happened many years ago, or very recently.
But my view of a relationship, a task, a request, an activity, a dynamic about life and the world….
….is fearful.
Here’s an amazing question to ask that can really help uncover the truth of what you’re thinking and believing when you feel like doing something (in this case eating).
doing the work with others brings connection, sharing, love, the end of fear….freedom
Tuesday night, at the closing of a beautiful four day retreat, all the people assembled gathered in a circle to share their take-aways from the time together.
We had just completed four full days of watching Byron Katie, and the awesome people in her live audience, streamed from Switzerland. Eighteen people from our local community in the Pacific Northwest joined me.
We copied the pace and structure of the event in Switzerland, and held complete silence in between all the video sessions with Katie.
There is no comparison to watching this online retreat with the group who gathered here in my neighborhood….
….vs watching by myself at home and attempting (not) to remain in silence in between sessions, and do my own inquiry work on disturbing situations I’ve encountered in life.
My mind is a bit tricky to hold silence for 4 days, relax, listen, and do in-depth work on my own.
(Although, I could question that).
But here’s one of the coolest things that happened. It’s not the first time, but oh so sweet to feel and see it occur again.
Everyone felt close, felt loving, and felt connected even though some people didn’t even know other peoples’ names until our closing circle.
People drove from Canada, from Oregon, from all around Washington state. People have flown before from California. All to share the silence, and drinking in Katie’s words AND the words of all the beautiful people who share live at the retreat.
I already can’t wait until next year.
So here’s the thing.
Sharing the time together is incredibly helpful if you get stuck in thought-loops when you’re on your own. If you feel isolated, or introverted about your inner world. Or shame about what you’ve been feeling and thinking.
The way my mind used to work.
(Well, it still races off in this direction, it’s just I’m totally getting what Katie talks about, that I don’t believe what it’s saying! Halleluia!)
But this is the way it went before:
1) Something happened that felt a little uncomfortable, or really awful. Shocking. Or mildly irritating. Doesn’t matter. I don’t like it. It’s a bother. I’d rather it was different.
In other words, Reality is not perfect, in this situation.
2) KABAM. Mind is crunching down around the “problem” trying to fix it, adjust it, change it, get away from it, destroy it, rip it to shreds, complain about it, run away from it, avoid it, solve it, erase it.
Never questioning for One Minute that there’s a problem. It assumes there IS one. And it’s here! No doubt whatsoever.
3) Huge amounts of energy, fear and terror, lack of sleep, isolation, loneliness, depression, anger, waiting, sadness and suffering follow.
4) Things cools off (but they aren’t really forgotten, they’re in the files).
5) Something happens. Go back to #1.
When I first learned to do The Work, I inserted a step between 3 and 4.
It went like this:
3a) Consider I might be wrong about this terrible situation. It woudl be good if I was mistaken about this. It would potentially mean less stress and fear, less worry and upset. I might feel better. But my mind can’t actually be WRONG! Wait! That would be terrible! Go back to #4 and continue.
But then I got together with other people.
Other people also interested in questioning their thoughts and beliefs.
Instead of pausing for 5 seconds at 3a and moving to #4, my thought process began to add 3b.
3b) Take out a piece of paper and start writing down a few thoughts, wildly, with passion, with nervousness. Maybe get all the way to questioning a stressful belief using The Work, starting with the first question “is it true?”
Ditch this process. Too boring. Too slow. Too cumbersome. Too ridiculous. It doesn’t work, and it’s not going to work in the future.
Go back to #4.
Ahhhhhh, but then came The School for The Work.
Sitting slowly with a whole group of people, and Katie facilitating. There, together, we sat for 9 days over and over again questioning stressful situations. Seeing what I had objected to, in some cases since childhood. Going through all four questions of The Work, and finding turnarounds.
If it hadn’t been for being in a group program, I would have left for a movie.
The kind where you eat popcorn and it’s about someone else’s life, not mine. Preferably with a happy ending.
After The School, I really got that connecting with other people, sharing in the discoveries, telling the truth about my thinking, does something so deep. It created intimacy and dissolved shame, fear and embarrassment at what I had been calling “my” thoughts.
Wow! I thought. There aren’t new thoughts, and I’m not a Special Case (like the only person The Work doesn’t work for, or the only person who had “x” happen and can’t get over it).
After seeing and experiencing the power of the group spending time together to question and BE in inquiry, I noticed something interesting had happened.
2a) The paper comes out, and a pen is fetched, and I remember and consider doing The Work after #2. I get some insight. I feel relief. I step back from my “problem”. I maybe even get excited. I do not necessarily move on to #3!
Then….after more practice and more time spent partnering with other people, sharing The Work, facilitating and receiving facilitation from other human beings….something VERY interesting happened.
#1 occurs. Something troubling happens.
1a) The paper comes out, I get a pen (or open my laptop) and I’m writing down my judgments and answering all the questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet RIGHT AFTER #1.
I realize I might have been over-reacting. A new way to handle the situation pops in my head. I feel calmer. I get the sense in not such a scary way that I might not know what’s really going on. I might laugh.
And then…..
….I bet you can guess what happened next.
I began to sit down with pen and paper, before anything appears to have happened (#1) and actually go through memories ON PURPOSE to find events, disturbances, situations I thought I forgot all about after #4.
I no longer wished I had forgotten about those things.
I notice I hadn’t, even when I wanted to. Not really.
This unraveling and uncovering all the dark corners of my past, and diving into inquiry to address these memories, have mostly happened during retreats and partner work with others.
Now I’m not saying it’s impossible to do on your own.
I have LOVED sitting now, and doing The Work all by myself.
But hands down….the best is when I am supported by the energy of other human beings (or just one other partner) sharing the inquiry together.
Sometimes you just want someone to hold your hand, or give you a hand up, or take your arm as you’re walking along the path, or laugh with you. It allows you to notice you’re not mad.
It’s made all the difference in the world to me.
Who would I be without my stressful thoughts?
Grateful beyond measure to everyone (and to Katie) for coming along for the ride, and noticing….
….I’ve had support, connection, others and life sharing All This with me the whole time.
I just didn’t see it.
If you feel isolated and stuck, or lost when you try to inquire, or you get obsessive and aggravated with your own thinking, or you think you’re the only one not getting this….
….then you may be ready to join the next and newest brilliant version of Year of Inquiry.
I am so touched and excited by each and every person who says “yes” to this adventure.
There are several new components to Year of Inquiry, but one primary thread: doing The Work together. Not leaving you on Planet Mars to fend for yourself in outer space without the four questions or without your own answers.
The most amazing people show up for inquiry together for a year.
You may make a friend you’ll know when you’re 85 years old. People in Year of Inquiry from previous years continue to partner and share with people they met in their first YOI. I get notes all the time from participants. Some people return over and over to YOI, as this work has become part of their transformational life practice and they know they want community for it over time.
Registration is open for early bird Year of Inquiry 2016-2017. If you’re curious about what it’s like, read on:
We meet three times a week via telesession (free for anyone from all over the world through the internet). You come to one session a week, or all three–you get to choose.
We’ll do immersion into deep partner work, especially for everyone interested in credit with Institute for The Work of Byron Katie. while this is optional, it’s an amazing process for people who want to learn the one-for-one way of partnering taught in the Institute for The Work (ITW).
We meet twice in Seattle, Washington (optional) for 4 days for two retreats. People fly from all over to be together. We also have a monthly webinar (new) on our topic and to review best practices for The Work and going deep into Q &A.
While we have ten powerful topics for inquiry during our year together, everyone in YOI also has access for free to at least 2 other teleclasses I teach on some of the same topics (money, eating, relationships, sexuality, pain/sickness, parenting) for no charge. Local YOI folks enrolled in the FULL program can also come to my monthly Deep Divers Sunday closed group that meets October through June.
It’s quite simply, a HUGE INCLUSIVE WELCOME to everyone who wants to stay connected throughout the entire year to all the brilliant people who show up to do The Work together under the apparent umbrella organization of Work With Grace.
I do this because I love The Work and I love exploring the truth and I love waking up.
I couldn’t do it without you.
If you’d like all the information about Year of Inquiry, please visit and read this page. You can scroll down for the logistical details to the bottom of the page including dates, times, and the fee schedule.
You can choose the Whole Shebang (everything including retreats) or Everything Except Retreats (for those more available online via phone/computer).
So excited to see who joins the new YOI. You are already part of my heart and soul. Everyone who has gone before you, all the other participants, have helped make this a better and better program over time, with improvements and sharp clarity, and a brilliant awareness of what works.
I can’t wait. This is gonna be better than ever.
And I’m talking about what we’ll discover about Reality.
If you’re not up for this huge commitment of an entire year, or you don’t have the funding….look for a meetup in your area, find a partner, go over to my facebook page Work With Grace and share that you’re looking to trade The Work with someone (I might be able to pair you up), call the Help Line, come to a retreat.
This work doesn’t require anything, except a willing, open mind….and I know if you’re here, you’ve got one!
“Take thoughts in as if you were a lover. Thoughts are the Beloved. If you don’t love them, you’re at war. Invite them in, put them on paper, make love….Fear is a trance. Inquiry wakes you up.” ~ Byron Katie during Being With Byron Katie
thank you to every person who ever bugged me….with self-inquiry they show me the way to freedom
Mind Officially Blown.
Listening to Byron Katie answer questions about life, suffering, and what it means when anyone says they are “doing” The Work….
….is nothing short of the stressed-out busy mind getting blown into tiny bits and scattered about like seeds in the wind.
In a really good way.
What I mean by this is, I feel the joy of recognizing once again how I’ve been chattering away with some scary stories, and not cleaning them up, not getting around to listening to them to see what’s really frightening me.
Not really thinking these stories of other people, or fearful events, are very important to question.
Why sit down for this meditation, this in-depth contemplation of my mental noise, when it really hasn’t been very noisy, especially compared to how loud it used to be!?!?
Isn’t this good enough?
It’s sooooo much work. Jeeeeeeeeez.
And then there are the thoughts, too, that people have sometimes (not me, to be honest) like “maybe The Work doesn’t work for me.”
But who knows.
The more important thing, is what has worked so far, for me.
What has worked, has been answering the four questions as I look steadily at a situation full of pain, fear or sadness. What I’ve found in all my love for reading, writing, wondering and exploring, is that The Work makes realization wildly simple.
You write down your thoughts.
You question them.
So during this past weekend, while in the middle of watching the Being With Byron Katie retreat, I wrote.
There’s an old friend who’s been bugging me.
So much so, I said I needed a break from communication. I made excuses and said I and used these reasons to ask for less messaging, less interaction.
The real truth was I was sick of his advice-giving and pissed off at him still for how he acted five years ago.
Yep.
Kind of embarrassing.
But sitting in the presence of Byron Katie, who invited us to carefully and deeply contemplate an uncomfortable moment with another person, I had to admit I felt sudden fury at my friend.
I’ve written worksheets on him before.
You know what, though?
I have not gone through all the thoughts I’ve written down, one by one, and taken them through the inquiry process, finding my true answers, without expectation of anything except wanting to understand my mind and my heart, and open them.
I. Have. Not. Done. Thorough. Work.
Instead, apparently I have preferred to do a little work, call it good, and move on.
Fast.
So as others did their work, and people asked questions of Katie, and I remembered my great intention, and joy, in questioning stressful beliefs instead of holding on to them for weeks, months, years, decades….
….I brought my real thoughts about this friend to inquiry.
The starting point is, of course, actually seeing what you think in the first place.
I might have been skirting these true, deeper, frightened thoughts.
Well, OK, I definitely was.
As I wrote down what I really thought of this guy, I had an image of us both flailing around in the deep ocean. He is drowning and can’t swim at all. I can swim, I’m a good swimmer in fact, but he’s bigger and heavier, and he’s putting me down underwater in his own panic.
Wow, I thought.
My thoughts about this friend are that he’ll kill me with his fear or intensity or wild creativity. He’ll pull me under with him. He’s completely screwed up, depressive, has been suicidal, an addict, incredibly passionate, and if I keep in touch with him….
…..WE are goin’ down. Drowning!!!
Yowser. I haven’t wanted to look at how dramatic my mind has been about this friendship. It’s loserville. It’s a mess. It’s sick. He’s a wreck. He’s a threat. I better watch out. He’s volatile, homeless, obsessive, mentally ill, needy, overpowering, desperate.
As I wrote my true un-edited thoughts down on paper, they felt so intense and ridiculous. Childish. I would never, ever want him to see these thoughts (OMG).
But I really want to know what’s going on here, instead of have it come back for little visits as a pattern of thought all over again. And again.
This is step #1.
Writing down these horrible thoughts. The scariest ones.
And then, during breaks in between listening to other peoples’ work, and listening to Katie, I began to inquire.
If I’m his friend, I’ll be drowned. He’ll pull me down with him.
Is this true?
I’ve never been near any water with this man. I’ve never been pulled down, in any water, by anyone. I’ve had nightmares of drowning, and done The Work on drowning, but I have never even begun to drown in this physical life.
Except emotionally, in my own stressful thinking, in my own chaotic feelings.
The closest I ever came to a real drowning incident was watching my grandpa wade into 3 feet of water with his work suit on to grab my little sister who apparently had just gone into the deeper segment of the pool by accident, whose head was underwater without coming up. I didn’t actually even see her. I saw him racing through water in his doctor’s office clothes.
Is it true my friend would pull me down with him, with his addiction and sadness and longing and neediness (judge, judge, judge)?
No. Total fantasy. Me making up a story. A scary one.
How do I react?
I cut off contact. My heart races. I feel confused after some communication. I don’t know what to do. I conclude I’m unable to help. I say goodbye. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m annoyed.
So who would I be without this whole entire story that he’ll drown me?
Communicating. Listening. Saying “no” easily, without panic or caution under the surface. Asking him clarifying questions when he’s said wild things. Noticing how dear he is, how hard he tries, how creative and persistent.
Turning this first thought around (and I have more thoughts to question, after this one from the start):
If I’m his friend, I will not be drowned. He will not pull me down with him. If I’m my own friend, I will not be drowned (ever). Good awareness. Be your own friend, Grace! I’ll pull myself down with my stories of how terrible it could be (physically drowning, for God’s sake).
If he’s my friend, I’ll drown him! I’ll pull him down underwater. Yikes.
Who’s the one pulling people under water, drowning them in crazy overwhelming emotions, playing games with stories in my head?
That would be me.
I sat with this awareness a long while today, silently.
I realize, I have no idea truly who my friend is. I’ve judged him with all those descriptive words: intense, addictive, needy.
I am the one who has been very intense, especially when it comes to this friend. I have been addictive in my thinking very obsessively about his health and his ability to thrive. I have been needy for knowledge that he’s OK.
I have been almost demanding he act a certain way, so I can be happy.
Gulp.
Tears.
Awareness.
Who would you be without the belief that someone has to do, act, be, say, feel, think a certain way so that YOU can be happy?
Free.
Back here, letting reality be as it is. Hands open.
are you questioning the same story over and over again?
I am stunned by the brilliant and thoughtful questions people are asking on Summer Camp calls (we have Q & A time at the beginning, before we do The Work).
Yesterday someone asked a question I’ve heard many times.
I’ve asked it myself, directly to Katie.
What do I do if I’m doing The Work on the very same thing over and over again? What if the same thing comes up, just when I think it’s settled, or resolved?
Partner. Money. Kid. Mother. Boss.
There they go again, driving me NUTS!
I do The Work and feel lighter, more at ease with this person or thing….
….and BAM….
….the next time I’m with this person, or the next time it happens again, I’m right back where I was before. Seething, anxious, upset, worried, sad.
First, I like to say as an answer to this question….to remember, this is a process. Sometimes we learn in tiny increments. Sometimes we’re revisiting, or returning to a habitual way of thinking we’ve gone into for years—like walking the same rutted pathway again.
You should have another viewpoint of this person by now, or this entity (like money) or this activity, or place! You shouldn’t have to do The Work again on this. You should be over it.
Is that actually true? What’s going on here, anyway, that might be making the process tricky?
Later after our Summer Camp call, someone emailed me a great little synopsis of words taken right out of Byron Katie’s wonderful book Loving What Is.
This is really the manual for The Work. The How-To.
In Loving What Is, at the very back of the book, there’s a section called Q & A. Katie offers some thoughts to these exact same questions.
What does it mean if I keep needing to do The Work on the same thing over and over? I’ve done The Work many times on the same judgment, and I don’t think it’s working.
Here are Katie’s replies, summarized:
It doesn’t matter how often you need to do it…The issue may come back a dozen times, a hundred times. It’s always a wonderful opportunity to see what attachments are left and how much deeper you can go.
You’ve done The Work many times—is that true? Could it be that if the answer you think you’re looking for doesn’t appear, you simply block anything else? Are you frightened of the answer that might be underneath what you think you know? Is it possible that there’s another answer within you that could be as true or truer?
Do you really want to know? It could be that you’d rather stay with your statement than dive into the unknown. Blocking means rushing the process and answering with your conscious mind before the gentler polarity of min (I call it “the heart”) can answer. If you prefer to stay with what you think you know, the question is blocked and can’t have its life inside you.
Do you move into a story too quickly? Notice if you move into a story before letting yourself fully experience the answer and the feelings that come with it. If your answers begin with “Well, yes, but….” you’re shifting away from inquiry. Do you really want to know the truth?
Are you inquiring with a motive? Are you asking the questions to prove that the answer you already have is valid, even though it’s painful? Do you want to be right more than you want to know the truth? It’s the truth that set me free. Acceptance, peace, and less attachment to a world of suffering are all effects of doing The Work. They’re not goals. Do The Work for the love of freedom, for the love of truth. If you’re inquiring with other motives, such as healing the body or solving a problem, your answer may be arising from old motives that never worked for you, and you’ll miss the wonder and grace of inquiry.
Are you doing the turnarounds too quickly? If you really want to know the truth, wait for the new answers to surface. Give yourself enough time to let the turnarounds find you. If you choose, make a written list of all the ways that the turnaround applies to you. The turnaround is the re-entry into life, as the truth points you to who you are without your story. It’s all done for you.
Are you letting the realizations you experience through inquiry life in you? Live the turnarounds, report your part to others so that you can hear it again, and make amends, for the sake of your own freedom. This will certainly speed up the process and bring freedom into your life, now.
Finally, can you really know that inquiry is not working?When the thing you were afraid of happens and you notice that there is little or no stress or fear–that’s when you know it’s working.
I once asked, “Katie….what should I do? I’ve done so many worksheets on this one guy I’ve been dating. I seem to remain angry, though. Anger, over and over again.”
Katie replied to me: “How do you know you’re supposed to be angry, Grace? YOU ARE!”
Oh.
Doh!
(See “are you inquiring with a motive” bullet point above).
I was thinking that if I was angry, I needed to fix that, by hook or by crook. There must be something wrong with me.
With Katie’s words, I felt the relief of permission, acceptance, awareness of this feeling called “angry” instead of having an inner plan or drive to Get Un-Angry as soon as humanly possible.
And low and behold, what I noticed later on that day, after my exchange with Katie….
….I felt like laughing at the absurdity of the way that particular relationship danced.
And it was over.
Ever since, anger has been “allowed” to visit, to come in an give me it’s amazing passionate message. With zero expectations or demands that it leave.
Strange, I don’t experience it so much anymore these days.
Feeling love for that person doesn’t mean I have to hang out with them, or like them, or say “yes” to them, or invite them to dinner. Love is an internal experience.
Something came up in Summer Camp just yesterday.
One of my most favorite discoveries within about The Work.
It’s this: The Work is not a passive experience. It’s not a way to try to force yourself to feel peace, or love, when you don’t.
In other words, doing The Work doesn’t mean you lie down on the floor, figuratively or in real life, and go mute or say nothing or hide your feelings or become despondent in the presence of people, places, incidents or things you find uncomfortable.
Doing The Work doesn’t mean….
…”it’s fine. I don’t care what happens. I am completely at peace all the time 24/7. That’s enlightenment, right?”
This is what people object to when they do The Work on very stressful beliefs and turn it around without close reflection and attention.
For example.
Original belief or thought passes through your mind, whenever you think of this person: he abused me.
You turn it around, flipping it to the opposite in two shakes of a lamb’s tail: “he did NOT abuse me” AND “I abused him” AND “I abused myself”.
YEAH, that’s right. I’m the loser culprit who can’t calm down and *think* without violence. I attracted it to me. I brought it on.
It must be me.
YEAH, I’m wrong. I’ve been mistaken. He did NOT abuse me.
It must be me.
YEAH, I’m wrong again. I abused him. My brain is full of voodoo lazer-sharp thoughts aimed in his direction. I wasn’t kind, or loving, or gentle enough from the start. I thought he could be something other than what he could be. I had too high expectations.
It must be me.
HONNNNNKKKKKK!!!!! Did you hear the loud bear-scaring emergency alert horn?
The Work is not about swinging the pendulum to the opposite side of your reactions, and finding fault with yourself, or feeling despair.
You were probably doing that already. Fault with them, fault with you. Trying to find blame.
The Work, I find, is much deeper than this.
But let’s start at the very beginning.
You have a thought someone is “x” and it feels stressful (abusive, obsessive, demanding, mean, dismissive, cruel).
You’re afraid, when you think of this person. Something inside feels threatened.
(I notice I do not feel overwhelming stress, or stress that fills my view, if I do not personally feel threatened, even in very difficult situations involving anger, grief, sadness or violence. Just saying.)
The very first question in The Work is “is your thought true?”
You get to answer the question for yourself. No one else answers it.
There is no “supposed to” about the answer being “no”. You are not better off or more spiritual if you answer “yes” or if you answer “no”.
I once read Byron Katie commenting about this question “is it true”?
She said nothing is true and everything is true.
Because so much appears untrue, once we stop for 5 seconds and think about it, people sometimes begin to lump together this awareness of truth the answer into ALL ANSWERS for ALL TIME.
“Everything is not true! I know nothing is true!”
Well. Let’s say you don’t. LOL.
I like leaving that answer open, for myself, so I can look gently and see what’s really accurate for me in any situation, at any time, during my lifetime.
I wouldn’t want to bypass or abort the process of inquiring with this amazing mind. I want to actually sit with what I notice my inner answer is, for me.
So is your thought true? (Like from my example “he abused me”).
Maybe your answer is “YES”.
Maybe it’s just not efficient communication when you’re with that person, or you always feel weird and scared, and you get confused, and they seem confused, and no one is really happy when you’re in each other’s presence.
What an excellent person to do The Work on, since they’re bringing you an objection with reality. And you don’t have to be in their presence to do it.
I once had someone come to me to do The Work.
He had seven (yes, seven) second-opinions of his mental health diagnosis of bi-polar and manic-depression. (A little manic with the second opinions).
Back then, I tried just a little too long. I wanted to “help”.
If I was completely honest instead of trying to rescue and make it look perfect and right on the outside (in my opinion) then I would have referred him to a psychologist or psychiatrist. It had been recommended he take anti-anxiety meds. He was refusing. I was not the expert who knew how to handle it. He couldn’t really follow along with The Work. He even said The Work made him more anxious.
It was simply true, at that time, that he needed some kind of other help that wasn’t mine.
Because that’s what happened, no matter what I was thinking or doing.
“You’re supposed to feel peaceful all the time, in every situation, with every person.”
Is it true?
No!
Some places, people and situations might give you the creeps! Or not be your job!
If someone said “here’s an airplane, time to get in the pilot’s seat and fly!” I’d look at them like they were a little off, because I have no idea how to fly an airplane.
It would not be true that I need to get in the pilot’s seat and start the engine!
Doing The Work, I find, is for my own sake. It’s to come to clarity, joy, peace, acceptance, forgiveness, calm, surrender….in situations that are actually almost always OVER.
(Well….always over….drop the “almost”).
So my mind is just catching up with reality.
Reality, it turns out, has already made it clear, joyful, peaceful, accepting, forgiving, calm, surrendered and silent.
Am I able to notice this, and go in that direction?
That direction may mean packing your bags, and leaving a house where you notice fights break out and you get physically hurt over and over again. That direction may mean saying “no, I won’t get together with you” with someone who is very insistent, and appears panicked. That direction may look like breaking up with a partner, or getting together with one. It may look like quitting a job.
Who would you be right now in this moment without your story of the past, noticing what you notice with your senses and your body and your mind and your heart?
“Until you can see the enemy as a friend, your Work is not done. This doesn’t mean that you have to invite your enemy to dinner. Friendship is an internal experience. You may never see the person again, you may even divorce him or her, but as you think about the person, are you feeling stress or peace?” ~ Byron Katie
Last night I went to test out the gorgeous big-screen at the lodge where we’ll be watching Being With Byron Katie and moving into silence in between all sessions starting on Saturday.
Wow.
The internet connection worked beautifully, and I felt thrilled to be one of the people about to enter listening-only-mode with Byron Katie as she teaches from Switzerland.
I feel so lucky.
This retreat has space for 2 more people. I operate this one at a non-profit level, which sometimes brings up a few thoughts about MONEY.
ARRGGG, will it never end?!
(You’ll see in a sec what I’m talking about, when it comes to the “arrggg” part around money).
What the non-profit deal means, is everyone attending pays the small rate of $165 for attending one, two, three or all four days with Katie. If you have to leave, or miss any days, then included in your registration is free access to the recordings through August 31st.
Everyone who attends gets to sign up for viewing time, on their own, from their own home, using my log-in. It takes some scheduling prowess because we can only have one person logged in at a time, but we have full permission and an awesome scheduler. It worked fabulously last year.
So back to the money part I mentioned.
As in non-profit.
Now, as of today, I am sooooooo OK with this retreat with the money part.
Because why?
Because I am not losing money, so reality is going my way (ha ha).
All my expenses have now been reimbursed. I’ve put many hours into arranging it, planning it, organizing people, answering questions….and not put any financial expectation on the working hours required to pull the event together. As in, no money expected for the organizing of this retreat.
However, when I put the payment down on the lodge I rent for retreats here in Seattle, for 5 nights, it felt like a pretty major kaplunk of moolah. Almost $2000 for the lodge rental alone.
There’s a streaming fee of course ($250). Then there are Judge Your Neighbor worksheet copies, a white board and pens, post-it notes, and other small expenses. A few internet fees. Some posting fees for the event announcements.
Even though I know by now, events happen, people show up, it always works out (especially when I have The Work)….
….it’s still scary for that part of me that cares so much about money and prefers more coming in than going out.
Ugh. So much thinking, worrying, wondering about money.
These thoughts move like a stuck tape loop. Needing more money, losing money, not having enough money.
(Will these kinds of thoughts never end during my lifetime?)
How they show up this time, in this situation around this event, are like an old set of flies buzzing around, softening sometimes, rising up again.
They sound like this:
If I charged more, I’d at least pay myself back for all the work. This isn’t fruitful to offer this as a volunteer project. Just because I’m not teaching, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t make money for my time involved. Oh no….if this keeps up, I’ll lose money on this retreat! I am NOT doing this next year. No one understands how awesome this is. People shouldn’t write me to ask for scholarships. I should have more confidence about this retreat. People don’t understand how cool this event is or how insanely cheap compared to live events with Byron Katie. Maybe its so cheap it reduces the awareness of the value. No one realizes they can watch what they miss after the event, without extra cost. I’ve done all this work for nothing. It’s too much work. See #1, loop back. Repeat.
Over and over again, the same kinds of thoughts.
Why not take a look, see what’s left of these annoying beliefs?
More money should come in. I should be paid for effort (I’m somehow NOT being paid).
Is this true?
Yes. Yes. It really would be better to feel compensated for everything. It would be better to earn something, have money coming in. Not breaking even. Breaking even is not good enough!
Are you absolutely sure?
No. No idea. Ha ha.
I look around and notice, I’m absolutely fine. Thriving, enjoying myself, enough to eat, place to live, good business, people coming and excited for this amazing retreat.
How do I react when I think I should have some kind of pay back? That the money isn’t “worth” it, not enough, too low?
Pissy. Annoyed.
Bad attitude. Treating money like I know better, bossing it around.
Nervous. Thinking about NEXT YEAR of all things, when this soon-to-be event hasn’t even happened yet THIS year.
Wildly flailing in the future. Thinking about my bank account. So concerned with enough-ness and deciding this isn’t it.
So who would I be without this belief, though? What if I had no idea, no argument with what is, when it comes to money?
Huh.
You mean….money can do whatever it does, and I don’t mind? Like, I don’t even KNOW it’s doing something uncomfortable, or not good enough?
Yes.
Woah.
I guess I would be noticing how excited I am for this retreat, to spend 4 days listening, instead of talking or teaching or facilitating or expected to lead one single session.
Noticing how relaxed I am right now, in the beautiful summer weather. Breathing deeply. Feeling the amount of money I have and thinking “enough”. Stopping the comparison, pushing, wondering, wishing, wanting….altogether.
No wanting something different.
An amazing relaxed, curious, sweet feeling of being with this present moment. Noticing how fun money is, and it’s enough the way it is. Like this moment.
Turning the thoughts around….
No charging more is required. I am already paid back for my work with joy, connection with others. Plus all the money I’ve spent is reimbursed. This IS fruitful as a volunteer project. Because I’m not teaching, it’s OK to not make money. Oh no….if this keeps up, I’ll gain sanity on this retreat! I have no idea about next year, I’m open to it. All the right and perfect people understand how awesome this is. Maybe I’m the one who doesn’t. People should write me to ask for scholarships, it’s wonderful and gives me ideas for doing this in the future. I already have great confidence about this retreat, and I’m feeling more. I could make a scholarship fund for this event. People totally understand how cool this event is and how cheap compared to live events with Byron Katie. I have reduced my own awareness of the value here by being concerned with money. People realize just what they need to realize, and so do I. I’ve done all this work for so much. I am rewarded with love, insights from Katie. I’ll get to enjoy the retreat. It is NOT too much work. For all I know, I’ll become aware of an incredible realization in these four days ahead.
How could the money be doing exactly the right thing, in the right amount, for me….for others….for Seattle….for the world?
Why not?
This could be the most perfect, brilliant, lovely four days for me, and I don’t have to buy any plane tickets or spend anything more than I have, or go to Europe to see Byron Katie in person. I get to be with all these amazing people coming to attend to their minds….with a passionate interest in freedom.
I get to hear one of the world’s gifted teachers of peace, and hardly have to leave my own home.
Wow. Such a deal.
“I’ve never seen a work or money problem that didn’t turn out to be a thinking problem. I used to believe that I needed money to be happy. Even when I had a lot, I was often sick with the fear that something terrible would happen and I would lose it. I realize now that no amount of money is worth that kind of stress.” ~ Byron Katie
No LACK of money is worth that kind of stress either.
I notice right now, in this moment, I’d rather be free than right about money, profit, income, being paid, being compensated.
How do I know I shouldn’t be making MORE in this event?
I’m not.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. It’s been a few years, but I created a full webinar on money, and questioning what I call a “Belief Cluster” of thoughts about money we commonly believe, all of which bring terrible stress. If you’d like to watch it, click here.
Not long ago I was working with an inquirer who heard about a friend’s new job, and felt jealous.
A month before, I worked with an inquirer who was jealous of her husband’s career success (they were in the same line of work).
Sometimes, people feel jealous around love relationships….my partner, or my love-interest, is drawn or attracted to someone else (not me) and I feel threatened.
it feels so true that this other person has it made and we haven’t made it. They’re set. They’re safe. They’re loved. They’ve arrived.
People even feel this way about other people who have “awakened” or “woken up” spiritually.
They’ve gotten “there”.
Not me.
I’m left out here in the dust without security, stability, love, peace, intimacy, popularity or success.
Wow. It’s a rough place to be.
The first thing I always notice about this kind of comparison, is that whomever we’re looking at, who has “more” of something desirable….
….we feel absolutely positive they’re having a better time than we are. They are happier, more fulfilled, doing it right, proud, satisfied, peaceful, relaxed.
Those people with all that money, fame, beauty, even those “spiritually enlightened” people are enjoying themselves.
Not me.
So I better keep trying to get over there. I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ll spend money, I’ll travel, I’ll go on trainings or retreats, I’ll fix myself, I’ll plan. I won’t truly rest until I get what I want.
What I want is not right here. I have to go get it.
But who would you be without thinking that happiness is achieved by getting “x” or doing “y”? Who would you be without comparing in any way?
Who would you be without believing other people are happier than you if they have “more” of something? Who would you be without the story that achieving “x” means you’re now at peace forevermore, or at least closer to it than if you didn’t achieve “x”?
Huh.
It’s weird.
Who WOULD I be?
No idea.
You mean….I can stop trying?
But. What if I lay down in the street and just let cars run over me? What if, when I stop, I die? What if I dissolve into a puddle and stop caring? Won’t that be depressing? Or sad? What if I never make a bunch of money, then, or find the perfect partner, or do that thing?
Nooooooooooooooooo!
Except.
If I don’t need that other thing in order to be happy, like I really don’t need the same job as my friend just got, what would that be like?
What if I didn’t need something called “awakening” or “to become enlightened” right NOW in order to be happy?
What would it be like to let go of all of it? No more expectations. No more plans, hopes, wishes.
No more waiting.
No. Waiting.
Ha ha.
Wheeeee!!
“That’s how powerful LIKE and DISLIKE are. They steal your entire life. They own you. They possess you. They destroy your life and they keep you from God. But if you watch this process of “like” and “dislike”….and you stop participating in this process anymore, it’s like the ants step off the treadmill. ‘I don’t care who’s ahead. I’m done with the entire process of liking and disliking’. You no longer have to stay there to monitor or participate. When you no longer play in that process, your state of being is released. At that point you are a gift to all of humanity.” ~ Michael Singer in a talk on Preferences
You “have to” do stuff to get ready….are you absolutely sure it’s true you can’t relax in this moment?
It’s one of those quiet, gray, warm early mornings in the Pacific Northwest where I live.
I love how no one else is awake in the house.
I hear the hum of the refrigerator, and the high strange chirping call of an eagle way up high in a tree in the neighbor’s back yard.
This is so peaceful.
And later on, twelve people + are coming over for what is called a barbecue. It’s my son’s birthday, he’s turning 22.
I wish it was going to stay quiet like this, right now, all day long. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t be doing anything except reading, writing, continuing to clean out the shed (which spontaneously started happening yesterday, my car now packed with items to go to Goodwill).
Having people over means….you have to tidy up, clean, plan, shop, buy, cook, prepare, welcome, greet, talk, share, clean, wash. We say we’re “entertaining” guests. The goal is people are delighted, entertained, enjoying themselves.
[Daughter just entered the room, going to the bathroom and getting a glass of water before returning to bed for a few more hours, we said a few words, I had to stop writing for a minute.]
OK, back to silence….where was I?
Oh yeah, thinking about entertaining people. And being interrupted. And not feeling spontaneous, or free to do whatever I want.
I “have to” do, respond, answer a question, talk, entertain, deal with others, clean, prepare….is it true?
Not really.
I sit here. The world happens around me, full of life. I appear to be full of life as well. Heart beating. Fingers typing. Clock ticking. Thought happening. People moving here and there, into this house, out of this house.
It’s really not that big of a deal.
But what happens with that part of me believing I “have to” do stuff because people are coming over later, or I “have to” do stuff because a group is gathering together to watch Byron Katie live for four days starting Saturday, or I “have to” go buy a cake, or I “have to” enjoy a nice workout before other “have-to’s” kick in.
Ugh. How I react is I want to escape. I start thinking things like “by tomorrow, it will all be over”. Or “thank God this is a small gathering” or “do we have everything?” and running through the check list repeatedly.
When I believe I “have to” (see list) I feel trapped. So much to DO. I feel a sense of urgency. Quick Quick Quick!
With this belief, I begin to dream of quitting everything, and sitting in a cave somewhere, and no longer having email.
Strangely, and you may think this is kinda weird, but I even begin to think of the sweet mysterious unencumbered wild unknown of death, of moving on out of this body into another world, where no “have to’s” exist.
I love how far the mind goes with things. It has the idea that the only way to uninterrupted, unencumbered silence and liberation, is to no longer be alive in this world having to DEAL with what’s here.
LOL.
So who would I be without the story that I have to do anything? That in nine hours people will be coming to celebrate? That “I” have to do stuff? That in five days I must be entirely prepared for the group arriving to watch Katie together (there’s another list for THAT event)?
Wow.
Suddenly, imagining what it would be like without a future. None.
Watching a spider scurry across the wooden floor. Noticing the peace of this moment. Closing my eyes for a long pause between writing these words, drinking in wind chimes gently singing from the front porch, and silence.
[Door opens, husband comes out of room in bathrobe stretching and yawning, sits next to me for a moment on the couch. Without the thought I am being interrupted, or this shouldn’t be happening, I’m relaxed, I’m open].
Without any thoughts of the future or any “have to”, nine hours from now or five days from now, I notice the outdoors beckoning, and the joy of this inquiry, and the curiosity of opening to whatever will happen.
Something lets go, feels spacious.
We start again. This moment. At zero. No expectations, no knowing what will happen next.
“You have given your mind an impossible task by asking it to manipulate the world in order to fix your personal inner problems. If you want to achieve a healthy state of being, stop asking your mind to do this. Just relieve your mind of the job of making sure that everyone and everything will be the way you need them to be so that you can feel better inside. Your mind is not qualified for that job. Fire it, and let go of your inner problems instead. You can have a different relationship with your mind. Whenever it starts up telling you what you should or shouldn’t do in order to get the world to match your preconceived concepts, don’t listen.” ~ Michael Singer
Without the belief in “I have to do stuff, to be ready for…” I feel a looseness opening, something un-gripping itself. Even laughter.
Absolutely nothing required for an event to be a “good” one. Noticing nothing is happening right now, in this moment.
What are you “doing” today?
I hope you find some relaxing sweetness inside, while you “do” it, before you “do” it, after you “do” it.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. there is still space if you’d like to come watch Byron Katie with others. You don’t have to come to all 4 days–you can log in on your own (no extra charge) for at least 2 or 3 days on your own until August 31st and watch segments you want to repeat. This log-in time is included in the $165 for sharing this event. To join us, sign up here.
My fingers have been wildly tapping the keyboard of my computer as questions come in for these upcoming events taking place very soon.
I love your questions! And they actually help me be clearer.
So even if you’re kinda tired of hearing about Summer Camp which starts in three days….I’m answering some important Q’s as I’ve gotten so many. And I’m sharing how Camp and Inquiry offer such wonderful freedom. (You ultimately make your own camp, anywhere, any time).
Summer Camp for The Mind is a completely virtual 7 week “camp” session with one 90 minute call offered every single weekday for people to do The Work of Byron Katie and inquire into their stressful beliefs. You don’t have to come to every call. You choose which calls you attend. Meaning, literally….you can attend two calls during the entire summer 7-week session, or all 32 of them.
What’s good about dialing in and doing The Work….like….why would anybody want to?
Well, if you’re super shy like me (very introverted) or you find it difficult to stop you’re daily life responsibilities to travel to learn and do The Work in a retreat space or a class, or you normally can’t afford the smaller in-depth group classes or events….
….OR, even more importantly, you simply do not question your thinking when you’re on your own and busy….
….then this may be just the ticket.
The Work is like meditation. It’s a practice to return to over and over again. You don’t meditate for an hour and say “WOW! BINGO! I am now completely peaceful with silence and life for All Time!”
Meditation is like an energy. We’re tapping into the wisdom of being.
With The Work, we’re answering the same four questions, but finding over and over again new layers of insight, new glimmers of freedom. We wake up, sometimes slowly, sometimes suddenly, out of the huge variety of stories we have from all our life experiences.
Sharing together via teleconference also has a powerful affect and benefit for us, even if we listen only It’s remarkable what listening to someone else is like, learning we’re not alone. We don’t say a word, and yet we’re riveted by someone else’s personal work….because it’s just like ours. The circumstance doesn’t really matter. We show each other the way.
I find, joining together in this remarkable way invented by the technology we live with in our times….it’s like we’re a think-tank of brilliant people, pooling our minds together to create One Mind in awareness. And this awareness brings so much peace, clarity and joy. It’s strangely simple, and strangely profound. No “teacher” is required for The Work. You are your own teacher. All you really need is a willingness to be open, to write, to contemplate without expectations.
Meditation is like that. We don’t know what will happen in a meditation session, but our great intention is to make friends with silence. With The Work, we get to make friends with our chattering and nervous minds, and even make peace with events from the past.
The first Opening Day session on July 5th is free for everyone (find the link on the Summer Camp page and come on board with us). July 5th is open to everyone. Even if you’re not registering for Summer Camp! The July 5th session is extra long, but if you miss it, you can still come to Summer Camp for any sessions you like as long as you’re a registered member. So for example, if you don’t dial in until August 1st, you still can join us for all the calls after August 1st.
Because this is so open, and because you pick what works for your schedule, you also choose what to pay. The suggested fee is $150-$500 depending on how many calls you think you’ll attend and what you’re able to give.
A ninety minute call you can think of as being worth $30 – $50 in dollars, but you also get to choose what feels right to you, and what you can afford. If you have zero income, and you’re wanting support and assistance in daily inquiry (on money and jobs and unemployment, for example) then You Are Welcome. Pay an amount you CAN afford, and you’re in. No questions asked.
This is open season sliding scale for everyone in service to self-inquiry and The Work of Byron Katie, and freeing your mind from stressful thinking in your life.
Note: The only days we don’t meet are Monday July 11 and Tuesday July 12 because many of us–including me–will be attending the Being With Byron Katie Seattle 4 day retreat where we participate through live streaming with Katie all the way from Europe while we’re watching together at a quiet, gorgeous lodge. This event is only $165, a fraction of the normal live events with Byron Katie. An incredible opportunity to be with her almost-live, and sharing the silence with others. This retreat is almost full to capacity.
How do these Summer Camp for the Mind telesessions actually work?
You’ll use your phone, or your computer, to connect at the scheduled hour. There are local alternative phone numbers for those who are long-distance. If you want to use your computer to connect for free, you’ll receive a new link, daily, via email, for each call about 20 minutes before we meet for our Summer Camp session.
Everyone has the option during Summer Camp to listen-only, or to share live and raise your hand to do The Work. None of the calls will be recorded (the way I usually do in other classes). This assures peoples’ privacy and encouragement to give it a try.
When you sign up, you’ll learn the three options for joining: phone,webcall (you can speak and we’ll hear you just like you’re on the phone) or webcast (listen-only).
If you’d like to join the July 5th Opening Day call first, before signing up for Summer Camp all the way….no problem. After the Opening Day session, just go visit the Summer Camp page on my website and register for the rest of the summer when you’re ready (you pick the amount manually entering what you want to pay). I’ll send you all the information on how to join calls after I receive your registration.
Finally, you may wonder after all this what the schedule is, so you can see what works for you if you’re in Europe or Australia or Costa Rica or South Africa. Here are the times for all the calls, every weekday. Again, if you come only Mondays, for example, you are entirely welcome. There will be 5 Monday calls total (since we miss 7/11) so you might only want to donate $150. If you’re coming Tuesday, Weds, Thursday every single week, you’ll have 21 calls of immersion into The Work so you may choose to donate more. Let it match what feels right.
Here’s the full schedule:
Mondays 2-3:30 pm PDT/5-6:30 pm Eastern/10-11:30 pm London
Tuesdays 5-6:30 pm PT/8-9:30 pm Eastern/8:00 am Australia
Wednesdays noon-1:30 pm/3-4:30 pm Eastern/9 pm Europe
Thursdays 9-10:30 am/noon-1:30 pm/5-6:30 pm London
Fridays 10-11:30 am/1-2:30 pm Eastern/6-7:30 pm London
These telesessions meet from July 5th through August 19th (but not on July 11 or 12).
The other day, I read a healthy childhood psychology article about why Summer Camp can be so fabulous for kids (I had an awesome time in summer camp when I was young).
The very same reasons are true for The Mind.
Here’s my special version of why inquiry, and doing Camp together, is so good for us ADULTS….for our thinking.
Substitute the word “camp” with “The Work” for this entire list and enjoy the fun reading.
It may be healthy for kids to enjoy childhood at camp….but for me, it’s even more healthy as an adult to enjoy adulthood in inquiry!!
10. Spend time in quality action: As children (ADULTS) spend so much time these days inside (THEIR HEADS), camp provides a wonderful opportunity to move (MENTALLY, TO A NEW PERSPECTIVE, and PHYSICALLY TO FEEL IN THE BODY).CAMP IS ACTION!
9. Experience success and become more confident – Camp helps children (ADULTS) build self-confidence and self-esteem by removing the kind of (MENTAL) competition that shapes their lives. With its non-competitive (INQUIRY), camp (TELE-SESSIONS) are a real boost for young people (ADULTS). CAMP SHOWS YOU THAT YOU CAN!
8. Gain resiliency – The kind of encouragement and nurture kids (ADULTS) receive at camp makes it a great environment to endure setbacks, try new (and thereby maybe a little frightening) things, and see that improvement comes when you give something another try (BY INQUIRING). CAMP HELPS DISSOLVE FEARS!
7. Unplug – When kids (ADULTS) take a break from distractions (FROM THEIR STRESSFUL THINKING) they rediscover their creative powers and engage the real world–real people, real activities, and real emotions. CAMP IS REAL!
6. Develop life-long skills – Camps provide the right environment and guidance for kids (ADULTS) to enhance their abilities, their artistic talents, and their adventure skills. The sheer variety of (INQUIRY) offered at camp makes it easy for kids (ADULTS) to discover and develop what they like to do. CAMP EXPANDS YOUR ABILITIES!
5. Grow more independent – Camp is the perfect place to practice making decisions without parents and teachers guiding every move (ESPECIALLY THE PARENTS AND TEACHERS IN YOUR HEAD FROM THE PAST). Everyone welcomes this as a freedom to blossom in new directions. CAMP HELPS YOU DEVELOP WHO YOU ARE.
4. Have free time for unstructured play (INQUIRY) – Free from the overly-structured, overly-scheduled routines of home and school (WORK), camp gives children (ADULTS) free time to just play (INQUIRE). Camp is a slice of carefree play (INQUIRY) where you can relax, laugh, and be silly. AT CAMP WE PLAY!
3. Learn social skills – Coming to camp means joining a close-knit community where everyone respects each other. When they live in a cabin (WHEN WE DO THE WORK) with others, we share answers, resolve disagreements, and see firsthand the importance of sincere communication. CAMP BUILDS TEAMWORK!
2. Reconnect with nature (YOUR TRUE NATURE) – Camp is a wonderful antidote to “true-nature deficit disorder,” and to the narrow experience of modern (MENTAL) life. Outdoor experience (GETTING OUT OF YOUR STRESSFUL STORIES) enriches perception of the world and supports healthy development. CAMP GETS YOU BACK OUTSIDE (YOUR NEGATIVE BELIEFS).
1. Make true friends – Camp is the place for making best friends (WITH YOURSELF). Free from social expectations, camp encourages kids (ADULTS) to relax and make friends easily. All the fun (INQUIRY) at camp draws everyone together. Everyday, CAMP CREATES FRIENDSHIP.
YES. I love Summer Camp for The Mind. I love inquiring into the painful stories that cause suffering, using the powerful method called The Work. Join me.
My fingers have been wildly tapping the keyboard of my computer as questions come in for these upcoming events taking place very soon.