Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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Oh Goody! It’s Pain, Sickness and Death

It’s here, it’s here! The teleclass on Pain, Sickness and Death!!!

Kind of funny thing to announce with exclamation points, right?

We humans make a lot of jokes about death, getting old, getting sick, and going through very tough physical pain. We often joke about it because it’s so uncomfortable, so serious, and so incredibly difficult.

These things seem threatening. For real!

Feeling acute pain or chronic pain that doesn’t seem to end….having your best friend get terminal cancer…a child dying unexpectedly, or a parent…facing your own imminent death…

These are the experiences encountered in life that can bring the greatest suffering.

With great loss or shock, disease or physical difficulty, many of us think we can’t get through it….like it will actually be so painful emotionally that our lives will be ruined.

I once met a woman who had three boys who were all killed. I had the thought “how could she live through that?” 

But of course, we do live through the deaths of people who are very close to us. There this woman was, right in front of me, living beyond her three sons.

Just THINKING about pain, sickness and death can produce the feelings of horror, or dread. Nothing has even happened yet, and we’re freaking out because of the pictures in our minds.

Turning and facing to look at all this, head-on, is not always pleasant. But sometimes, when the anxiety gets too strong, there’s no other way to go except to dive into the biggest fear.

As it turns out, when you look at the process of being human on this planet, it is not truethat parents should die before their children. It is not true that people shouldn’t get cancer. It is not true that people shouldn’t get in car accidents. It is not true that people shouldn’t have terrible pain in some area of their body day after day.

Because those things happen. All the time.

I figure, as Byron Katie has suggested all these years, you can either argue with What Is and suffer, or question your thinking.

How could that terrible horrible worst thing happening actually be OK? How can I accept it? How can I be comfortable with it? How can I stop worrying?

I have found that the way to stop worrying and being so upset…is to find out what I’m most afraid of, most against, and bring it to self-inquiry.

  • It’s sad that I have a limited time on the planet
  • Getting cancer is terrible
  • It’s wrong and horrible when children die
  • I need my leg to stop hurting
  • Something terrible is going to happen
  • Being young is better than being old

The mind will have a field day delivering horror-show images.

What if we can question and contemplate everything though….these very worst, worst experiences we’ve encountered, the things we most fear?

What if we could find peace right in the middle of mayhem, anxiety, or endings?

“The whole notion of death is a beautiful and very potent spiritual awakener….Even the very idea of death takes away everything we’re identified with. The body will go, thoughts will go, imagination will go….death takes it all away. For the mind, this is terrifying! But if you just imagine body gone, mind gone, feelings gone, memories gone…what’s left?….Death takes everything away except what’s essential.”~Adyashanti

As I turnaround all my thoughts about death, sickness, pain, accidents…all those “bad” things that can happen to a body….I find a foundation of peace that is startling. I think it’s been here the whole time, I just didn’t see it before with all the layers of fear piled on top.

  • It’s awesome that I have a limited time on the planet..what, I want to be special and stay endlessly?
  • Getting cancer is fantastic. It made me slow down, pay attention, rest, actually stop worrying…every day a gift.
  • It’s not wrong or horrible when children die. They don’t ever have to go through all the crap older people do, they are innocent, they don’t think it’s their fault.
  • I don’t need my leg to stop hurting. I’m breathing, walking…learning about pain.
  • Something wonderful is going to happen…wow, bring it on! It’s OK if it’s over.
  • Being old is better than being young, if that’s what you are. This body is incredible, it’s being the perfect servant taking me to the end zone slowly but surely.

“I see life and death as equal. Reality is good; so death must be good, whatever it is, if it’s anything at all.”~Byron Katie

If you’re ready to question your fears about the worst case scenarios….join me on Tuesday mornings starting 2/12. We’ll look at the experience of feeling physical pain, with awareness of illness and malady, and of course the top favorite….death.

I’d love company along this crazy upside-down journey of opening to what’s apparently difficult, in discovering what’s true.

Love, Grace

 

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The Expert’s Mind Is Best

My Marine Biology teacher in high school was sooooo excited about marine science that some students went on to study biology just because of his enthusiasm! He was happy, light, and joyful about all the details of crabs, seaweed and salt water.

He was an expert at the world of marine biology, but he LOVED hanging out with us beginners.  He was an expert at teaching, at engaging with teenagers. For many students it became their favorite class.

So many of us have heard the concept “Beginner’s Mind”. It’s popular amongst the meditators and students of the human condition in various modalities.

Beginner’s Mind, or Sho Shin, is a term used in zen tradition. The teacher Shunryu Suzuki wrote a book called Zen Mind, Beginners Mind in 1973.

People who have never even heard of zen often get very drawn to the thought that being at the beginning….having a mind that is innocent, open, fresh, new, and has no answers…is an exciting, empty, sweet place to be.

It’s like the fun part of being at the beginning of a journey, sending out the invitations to a party, starting from scratch, the first day of a brand new job, flirting with a new love interest, having an empty canvas before you, moving into your new home, taking a bite of a food you’ve never heard of before, getting a great new idea……the moment before any danger or trouble existed, yet.

The first day of the journey out of The Shire! The bags are packed, there is plenty of food and provisions, no one has been stabbed yet with a sharp object.

ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!

Oh. But wait, that’s a problem. I don’t want ALL things to be possible, I want to avoid bad things and I want to not go through hell and I want to never suffer. Please.

I think I will study, study, study and become an expert. So I can get to where I want, have what I want, not feel pain, and have things be easier.

Sometimes, thoughts about being at the beginning are very painful. Filled with great discouragement.

The reason people are invited in zen to return to Beginner’s Mind is because that Expert place sometimes creates blind spots, forgetfulness of what it used to be like….it creates a tendency to be a Know-It-All.

The down side of expertise is that when someone gets really knowledgeable about a topic, or condition, or the way-things-are….they can appear puffed up, bossy, parental.

Experts can be full of giving advice, telling people what or how to do it, opinionated, judgmental, anxious, pushy, and frustrated with all the people out there who should know more, know better.

But my high school teacher wasn’t like that. He was so HAPPY and had so much humor about his special topic Marine Biology.

He loved it when students asked questions. “I’m so glad you asked!” he would yell with a huge smile on his face. And we would all laugh.

Since I teach classes in this process called The Work, which is profound, simple, yet very deep, I make contact with Beginners all the time who may have never even heard of The Work.

I always like to say, The Work is simple, but not so easy. And actually, not that simple!

You may have noticed.

Byron Katie herself says, “that’s why it’s called The Work”.

The thing is, to enjoy this moment where I am about to embark on something new, where I know nothing, is NOT exactly appealing if I believe it’s too much work, or I can’t do it, I don’t get it, or it will take to freakin’ long to get there.

The down side of being a beginner in something can be very stressful. Even with The Work. People new to questioning their thinking may have thoughts like this:

  • why are other people so enamored with this method?
  • this is too cognitive, I learn kinesthetically so this isn’t for me
  • my mind is driving me nuts with so much thinking, and it’s only made WORSE by answering these four questions
  • I can’t identify any single thoughts that bother me
  • I hate writing things down
  • this takes too long and it’s boring
  • I have a good story and surely you agree with me that it sucks
  • this work is waaaaaay too negative, jeez!
  • just questioning thoughts won’t change ANYTHING

The thing is, no one has to do The Work, or any other method of inquiry about life. No one has to follow any programs, study, practice, or learn. It’s maybe weird that there are no requirements at all to life, but there are not.

No Requirements.

No one has to like Marine Biology.

If someone is not understanding The Work and you think they SHOULD understand The Work, and they should DO The Work….then it’s time for YOU to do The Work.

What if my high school teacher was angry at the students who weren’t really into it? What if he had the idea that some students are too hostile, dumb, close-minded, or rude? What if he thought it was so dull and worthless to hang out with beginner students?

But he didn’t. We could all feel it. He LOVED teaching us.

When becoming a so-called Expert is done because we are so thrilled, excited, engaged, and full of love about the topic….wow, then in that mode, it’s amazing to be a student of the thing we’re becoming an Expert about.

Doing The Work, I have found I love studying my mind, other peoples’ minds, the human mind, the human condition. The path keeps unfolding. Always something new to learn.

If I hear someone talking about The Work or self-inquiry and how disturbing it is for them or how they don’t understand it, I can turn toward them or away from them. Open or closed.

I know which one feels better.

“How can I not be available to anyone who asks for help? I love people just the way they are, whether they see themselves as saints or sinners. I know that each of us is beyond categories, unfathomable. It’s not possible to reject people unless you believe your story about them.”~Byron Katie

I notice the energy of “rejection” sometimes appears. I will think “that expert doesn’t know what the hell they’re talking about!” or “that beginner doesn’t know anything! I wish they did!”

And then I feel that energy that is interested in rejecting that person or situation, and I know to ask “Is It True?”

That person should be different than they are…in a different place, farther down the path, closer to the beginning…… Really? Are you sure?

Who would I be without the thought that they shouldn’t be saying that, acting that way, thinking those thoughts, feeling those feelings?

I would watch, wait, and be very still.

“By watching the mind, you will notice that it is engaged in the process of trying to make everything okay…..When you see the mind telling you how to fix the world and everyone in it in order to suit yourself, just don’t listen.”~Michael Singer in The Untethered Soul

All those thoughts that new people express that are so honest and real, especially where they say they don’t understand what it means to question the mind….I remember not getting it either.

I don’t actually even get it now, entirely. But the difference is, it is no longer frightening. Exploring when and where I feel against something is absolutely fascinating.

Not understanding this mind, my thinking, or exactly what’s going on when I question my thoughts is even fun a lot of the time.

“Anyone in harmony with what is has no past to project as a future, so there’s nothing she expects. Whatever appears is always fresh, brilliant, surprising, obvious, and exactly what she needs…..For her, everything is new. She has never seen it before….She doesn’t expect results, because she has no future.”~Byron Katie

I notice I’m excited about the raw, blunt, direct beginner. The one with awesome questions, and defense, irritation. She finds this whole inquiry thing “lame”.

I remember thinking that, too. We’re on the same page.

And I notice I LOVE questioning my thoughts, and this seems to have been going on for about a decade now, if you believe in time.

I didn’t study more marine biology after high school….and I can guarantee you that my teacher is not upset about this. I once ran into him when I had growing children myself, and he turned out to be retired.

He said “call me any time and I’ll do a teaching walk on the beach for everyone in your entire family!” Just because he loves it.

Love, Grace

P.S. Room for one more person in tomorrow’s teleclass on questioning all our thoughts about money and work: how to earn it, get it, receive it…what our thoughts are about work, jobs, our businesses, marketing, announcing, making contact with others, charging, the people who bug us the most. It’s a blast to arrive back at Beginner’s Mind with Money and Work. ALL THINGS BECOME POSSIBLE! Click below to register.

Learn About Teleclasses Here 

Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29-May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
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You Have To Change Your Thinking

The other morning I had a one-on-one phone session with my wise and kind teacher Stephan Bodian.

I notice that the way the mind works is that it appears to be able to co-opt any experience into a seeing it as a slightly imperfect one….or a horrendously imperfect one.

Consulting with an expert, a teacher, a consultant, or even a good wise friend can be an incredible gift, full of learning, awareness, another perspective, good counsel.

Connecting with another person individually, or in a small group where you can’t really “hide” (whether you’re the talkative type or quiet type) can sometimes feel really vulnerable.

The actual content of my phone call was super crazy awesome for me. All it took was a short question and some back-and-forth talk and hearing Stephen say a few things in response, and I felt moved to tears at remembering what really matters…..the mystery of it all.

But before the call…aiyiyi. Here came the pesky mosquito-like thoughts that almost seemed ridiculous and meaningless, and they created NERVOUS energy.

Seriously, the day before this one phone call, I was thinking “how can I get the MOST out of the 30 minutes I have with him on the phone? What’s my biggest, grandest question? What’s the one most important thing?”

Not BAD to have those kinds of thoughts, but my mind started spinning with ideas.

Hmmm, maybe I should talk about my constant need to work on my business. Maybe I should talk to him about “goals” in the real world and how to let go of them. Maybe I should talk about my lack of meditation time, the dumb thing I did last week, or my self-criticism. Maybe I shouldn’t be too emotional (not likely, knowing me).

Jeez, maybe I should ask him for advice about Nervousness.

What I noticed, throughout my day, and in the morning before getting on the phone, is that I was relaxed, then tight, then thinking, then forgetting about it all, then relaxed.

One thing that Stephan talks about, as many other wonderful teachers do, is the idea that thoughts remain present, even all the busy, stressful ones….but as we see who we really are, they lose their grip.

As Byron Katie says, the thoughts still appear, we just stop believing them.

The split second between thinking a thought, which seems to appear out of nowhere, or as a result of something happening “out there”….and then BELIEVING that the thought is true, seems inconceivably fast.

It almost seems like it’s impossible to follow, to catch. When was the moment that I started believing something, versus just having it run through my mind?

One thing I’ve found, is that the body will tell you when you’re believing a thought. It begins to feels stress. Adrenaline kicks in, muscles tighten, teeth clench, the stomach feels tight. The more you are believing your un-true thoughts, the more stress you feel.

Believing un-true thoughts is stressful, that’s what happens. You can’t believe 100% without doubt the thoughts “I need more money” or “I am too fat” or “this phone call MUST be fruitful” and get all happy and psyched and excited.

When you’re a believer in your painful thoughts you don’t jump out of your chair and say “This rocks! I am so, so, so happy that I’m thinking this thought! WOOHOO!”

Except….with The Work and investigating your thinking, you CAN get much lighter.

Who would I be without the thought that something has to go “well”, or that I need anything at the moment, or that I should be doing something else right now, or that I ought to find enlightenment tomorrow afternoon?

Who would I be without the thought that I need or want to get something out of a phone call?

I am filled with gratitude, joy, and peace during the phone call. I breathe deeply.

Even though the phone died, and I couldn’t hear some of what Stephan said (I had the thought during the crackles and dead-space that I always get bad reception–ha ha).

Even though I had waves of various emotions in the rest of the day following my phone call…I remembered that my thinking is not really ME.

“…..we change like the weather, we ebb and flow like the tides, we wax and wane like the moon. We do that, and there’s no reason to resist it. If we resist it, the reality and vitality of life become misery, a hell.”~Pema Chodron

When I allow my little conniving, worried, irritable, jealous, childish thoughts to just be there, instead of OMG I MUST BE A HAPPY PAIN-FREE BRILLIANT PERSON AT ALL TIMES then I take the edge off the suffering.

Maybe even the suffering moves into tears, into expression, and dissolves away.

Who would you be without your belief that you HAVE to change your thinking?

“Rushing into action, you fail. Trying to grasp things, you lose them. Forcing a project to completion, you ruin what was almost ripe. Therefore the Master takes action by letting things take their course. He remains as calm at the end as at the beginning. He has nothing, thus has nothing to lose.”~Tao Te Ching #64

Today, I look forward to the next phone call, the next session, the next contact with other people, the next exploration of truth.

I look forward to my mind having a few pissy thoughts about All This….if it does.

Love, Grace

Learn About Teleclasses Here

Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29-May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
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Bring All Those Money Thoughts

Someone asked me “You mean, you just investigated your thoughts about money, and your money changed?”

The short answer is “yes”.

Of course, I now see that money changes all on its own, without my opinion.

My opinion used to bring anger, frustration, terror, unhappiness and anxiety. My opinion used to bring comparison to those other people with money, me with less money, those other people without money, me with more money.

It can drive a person nuts to be in that framework. Well….it did drive me nuts.

My job, as I see it these days, is to watch my mind, be present, and investigate. I watch the effort rise, the thoughts that I need to do something, the thought that this money should go here or there.

I’m so bossy!

If you’re wondering what to do with your Money Thoughts….all those endless ideas and dreams about having more or less….one place you can bring them for deep investigation is to a very small group of inquirers.

The power of the group is amazing, intimate, and precious. And it can change your mind entirely about that thing called Money and all the ways we know to get it, receive it, have it move towards us.

Monday we start the teleclass Earning Money. We dial in together, limited to 10 participants, using our phones or Skype, and we sink into examining this thing called money and the ways we access it…work, having a business, marketing, services, gifts, spending, investing, donating.

People will be on the call together from all over the world. Amazing.

Come along for the ride, it’s a fabulous journey.

You don’t need to have huge job or business problems…all you need is an interest in looking at your thoughts about money, your relationship to money, and to question it!

Richness Of The Group Inquiry Process:

Thanks everyone, for a great class. And thanks, Grace, for creating the structure and support for this powerful inquiry. I so appreciate your facilitation, dedication, humility, and humor, and I’m nourished by your desire to be of service in any way you can. This is a motherlode of a ‘topic’ and it’s amazing to me that after 8+ weeks of exploring Money, Work, Biz, how it feels like it’s just the tip of the iceberg….I was really impressed by how much richness there was in the group inquiry process. And enjoyed the companionship, vulnerability, and humor that was generated in our circle.~MB, class participant Autumn 2012

I Never Looked At This Before:

I really loved sitting with the questions from Grace this week.  No wonder I feel so uncomfortable marketing when I saw all the underlying beliefs I have around marketing and sales.   I have been doing the work for several years and never looked at this part of my business and what I do, the marketing. ~ MM, class participant Summer 2012  

Love, Grace

Learn About Teleclasses Here

Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.   

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29-May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
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You Do Not Need More Money

Money seems to be one of my biggest hooks, triggers, potholes, or suffering zones over the past several years. For some weird reason, I didn’t think about it much in my teens, twenties, or thirties.

It’s almost like I put it on a shelf over there. I had other more important things to think about. I didn’t want to get all riled up about it, like other people. I didn’t want to feel scarcity around it, or get too driven about it.

I was always pretty happy with small amounts of stuff. Seriously. I loved taking things to goodwill or give them away. I preferred everything I owned to fit in my car.

During my childhood it seemed like Money caused a lot of problems for several important people in my life: my mom, dad, grandma and grandpa.

Strange, but it remained unimportant to me, because there was nothing I actually wanted, as a child, that money could buy. It was super easy to get my first job…one of my sisters got a job at a retirement home and told me to go ahead and apply, too. I think we were about 14 and 15 years old.

If she hadn’t suggested applying, I probably wouldn’t have even thought of it in the first place.

Cut to 30 years later when I was desperate for an interview, income, a job. And yet…picky picky picky. It couldn’t be a low-paying waitress job or an entry level position. Because of my thoughts, I imagined that to be worse than being unemployed.

A few weeks more, with the threat of not being able to buy gas for my car much longer, I was not so picky anymore.

Fortunately for me, at that time, I had The Work as a tool to use for my wildly insanely panicked thoughts about money and work.

Even though I had almost no money left and my bank account was dwindling to nothing, I hired a facilitator to help me investigate my beliefs about money, and work. I like to tell this story in the Earning Money teleclass.

The most painful, painful thought was “I need more money. Yesterday”.

I could see the inevitability of losing my house unless something really drastic changed. I made my first late mortgage payment….only 3 months away from foreclosure.

My savings were gone.

I needed more money, so I thought, or I would lose my house. And THAT would of course be horrendous, because my kids and I would have to move in with my mom. Forty minutes away by car.

Thinking about the worst that could happen without money was something I barely wanted to consider before. But with investigation into my greatest fear, I asked myself what was really true.

  • I will have no home
  • My children will suffer
  • My entire family will be happier than me
  • I will never bounce back
  • It’s too late for me to start a good career
  • I don’t know how to get a good job, earn LOTS of money
  • I need more training, another degree, a different education
  • My mother will be annoyed with us
  • I won’t be able to stand sharing a kitchen with my mother! It will be WWIII.

As I found these thoughts my stomach felt nauseated and tight, the images were terrible, I imagined myself as such a loser.

And the thing that would cure this pain was definitely more money.

But could I absolutely know that this was true? Would my pain actually be cured? Would I feel excited and without fear? Would I feel secure, truly? Would I feel rested, peaceful, happy? Was money the only way to freedom?

Um. That would be a “no”. I knew money was not the only way to freedom, that would be crazy.

How I lived with the thought that I needed more money YESTERDAY was like I was in a state of emergency inside my body. I was exhausted, I was jittery, I couldn’t sleep well, I kept thinking the same thoughts, and I was sure I couldn’t get along with my mother.

Who would I be WITHOUT the thought that I needed more money?

It was almost impossible to find that place, initially. I kept seeing my house disappear, my life disappear, my car disappear, my enthusiasm and motivation disappear. I kept seeing myself depressed in my mother’s basement, and my kids crying because they missed the house we used to have (as if they would join me in the same agony).

But turning the thought around….WOW. Now that was amazing to consider. To become open to the possibilities.

  • I will always have a home, no matter where I am–that has been the case so far
  • My children will not suffer, they will see what it’s like to move from here to there
  • I could be happier than my entire family. Hilarious! Without the constrictions of a mortgage, who knows!
  • I don’t need to bounce back, I will be bouncing forward
  • Amazing people have found new careers late in life, and so can I
  • I do know how to get a good job, I am just as capable of earning lots of money as anyone else
  • I don’t need any more training, no degree, no education. I have the perfect amount. Incredible people in this world support themselves, without degrees.
  • My mother will be thrilled with us, and get to know us intimately
  • I will love sharing with my mother. It will be an incredible truce!

I began to see such benefits, that it started sounding fantastic to move out of our home, sell everything, give everything away, and move in with my mother. What an opportunity! Start a brand new life! Fun!

The relief, stillness, acceptance, and peace penetrated everything I had started believing about money.

I did not need more money. 

The whole thing was a nightmare, and I was waking up.

And that was happening, without more money. DOH!

“Fear has only two causes: the thought of losing what you have or the thought of not getting what you want. In either case, the worst thing that can ever happen is a story. Nothing you need can be taken from you. And no one can ever have anything you need. Need is a story you tell yourself. It’s a wanting-what-is-not that separates you from what is.”~Byron Katie in I Need Your Love, Is It True?

Seeing the advantages in what is, I waited and kept moving and calling places, more joyfully. I looked at want-ads with more creativity. I asked for loans, and amazing family members said Yes.

I felt the trust of the universe. This was going to go the way that it would go…without my opinion.

It went the way it needed to go, for my biggest learning.

Come join the next teleclass Earning Money: What’s The Problem?  It starts next Monday, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. We spend time investigating the really gritty, angry, beastly thoughts about money, about our businesses or our jobs (or lack of them), what we believe about marketing or selling (job interviews, promoting our businesses) and how we feel about the state of not-enough.

It’s one of my favorite journeys of all time. Join us! We still have room for a few more.

Love, Grace

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You Can’t Get Rid Of It

Yesterday I signed off the computer. I had not scheduled any clients or classes. I took a good book, and went to the bath house.

Outside it was raining cats and dogs. Dark, gray, dreary winter. I wanted to be alone and felt very contemplative.

Unfortunately, I had one of those weird times when being alone with my own company wasn’t all that fun.

Sometimes irritability is like an energy that asserts itself into whatever is here, whatever it is, even if you’re in paradise. I had on Irritation Glasses.

Why on earth are there so many people in the bath house on a Monday? Why do I live in a place that rains 11 months of the year? I should use this time to write, I should use this time to research, I should be doing some kind of “look-at-the-year-ahead” strategic goal-setting thing, I need to finish my taxes, didn’t I say I was going to learn to play the mandolin? Well, you should be playing it TODAY.

And by the way, you should stop complaining. What kind of person are you? JEEZ.

It’s like there’s splinter stuck in the thinking process, a cedar splinter…too small to pull out without good tweezers and no tweezers in sight, it seems.

And what happens with this annoying, edgy, dissatisfied, uncomfortable, whiney way of seeing everything?

A new idea…the idea known as “I QUIT!”

There is a new energy, although certainly not peaceful, with I-Quit Thinking.

I’ve had enough! This is unacceptable! I’m outta here! I refuse! Good riddance! Never again!

It’s a great dramatic moment in movies and theater. You can take this job and shove it! I want a divorce! You have offended me, you are no longer my friend and I will never speak to you again! We are hiking over the alps out of Austria to freedom!

The curtains close. The dust setttles. The conflict is over. Freedom has prevailed!

At least, that’s what the mind thinks.

Of course, life goes on and new challenges meet the heros and heroines who have moved into the I-QUIT zone. They may even repeat the exact same sequence with someone new, in a new situation.

Before I had the tool of self-inquiry, my mind would chatter incessantly and I would, indeed, quit something. If the chatter got too loud.

There is nothing wrong with quitting. But it often is not necessary. We think we have to, that there is no way out of this rat-maze of experience unless we make a big change, put our foot down, draw a boundary.

It is an absolute demand for improvement. THIS situation is bad and I will not stand for it. I will force a change. I will get away from that BAD person or situation.

Yesterday, in my mind, it was like I was saying if it weren’t for taxes, rain, learning the mandolin, money, time, and other people….I would be having fun here in this life. But since all these things are here, and they are irritating, then I am unhappy.

We can even have the thought that if it weren’t for our THINKING then all would be well.

Gosh, if it weren’t for my irritable, annoying brain, I would wake up and be happy.

“Loving-kindness—maitri—toward ourselves doesn’t mean getting rid of anything. Maitri means that we can still be crazy after all these years. We can still be angry after all these years. We can still be timid or jealous or full of feelings of unworthiness. The point is not to try to change ourselves.”~Pema Chodron

I notice that in my alone day, despite there being crankiness around every corner, I also have a voice of curiosity. I am watching, or something watches. There is someone or something here that knows all is well. Or perhaps all is very NOT well, and that’s OK too. This is just a dream world.

If I really, really, really do not have to get rid of anything….if I do not have to move away, cut off ties, ban anything, go on a special diet, lay down the law, get a lobotomy….wow.

Suddenly there is relaxation. Openness, the unknown. What happens next is mysterious.

I don’t have to DO anything, or change anything. Things actually just change. That’s the nature of reality.

“Mind is so powerful that it could take the imagined fist and beat it against a wall and actually believe that you are the person whose fist it is. Because mind in its ignorance is so quick to hold its imagined world together, it has created time and space and everything in it. Mind’s ability to create is a beautiful thing, unless as the terrorist that it often is, it has created a world that’s frightening or unkind……Eventually, mind discovers that it’s free, that it’s infinitely out of control and infinitely joyful.”~Byron Katie

Yesterday I watched, and didn’t do much, and didn’t accomplish much, and rested and lay still, and thought with wonder about how I will die at some point and this whole thing will quit, at least in this particular form.

And later, at dinner with my three sisters and my mother, we all laughed so hard our stomach’s hurt. Irritability was gone. “I” didn’t “make” it leave or decide to never speak to it again. It came and went.

Remembering that everything changes and that reality is on the move is the sweetest thing. I don’t have to be at war with what I am not in favor of, like other people or the weather.

Today it looks like I have another day on the planet. The rain is very soothing and lush. My cottage is gorgeous and bright. My thoughts are flowing.

Even if I Quit, I didn’t really. It keeps going.

“All streams flow to the sea because it is lower than they are. Humility gives it its power.”~Tao Te Ching #66

Love, Grace

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People With More Money Are Better

The anxiety of discovering that you made a mistake or did something wrong, shows up in a variety of ways, depending on your usual modes of operation.

Some people get very jittery and nervous, very shallow breathing, very worried, with the mind spinning as fast as it can trying to feel better.

Some get very angry, blaming, frustrated and saying defensive things like “well, if she hadn’t done or said THAT, then I wouldn’t have made the mistake in the first place!”

Some people cry, feel frightened of what will happen next because of their bad mistake, or desperately wish they could go back and get a do-over.

Whatever this terrible mistake is….it’s painful.

This morning I worked with a lovely woman who observes her family and sees them all as successful, prosperous, adventurous people.

Her mistake? Taking a road less traveled. Not making as much money. Owning less, doing less, having less.

I remember when my marriage was ending 8 years ago. At the time I had the thought “Holy Cow! (maybe the words were a little more caustic) I shouldn’t have been a stay-at-home mom for 10 years! What the hell was I thinking!?!”

I looked at my life path and choices and had a profound, sinking feeling of failure.

I had just wasted 10 years of my life NOT earning money, I had just selfishly done what I wanted with my kids and gotten myself into a place of poverty, I had just relied on a husband to provide, and not realized how STUPID that was.

I MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.

So many thoughts about money, success, career, enjoying the pleasures of life, feeling secure and safe, having enough, not having enough.

Like the woman I had the honor of speaking with this morning, my mind at the time began wildly comparing me to other “better” people who hadn’t made bad career-and-money mistakes.

  • members of my family are doing much better than me
  • they are successful, I am not
  • they have more money, so they did something right
  • I have less money, so I did something wrong
  • I should have gotten a degree, stayed married, earned more money, invested better
  • I shouldn’t have spent that other money in the past
  • I should have saved
  • I’m worthless now
  • I need more money

It can be incredibly difficult to step back in the middle of looking at everyone else with great comparison to see your surroundings without it.

At that time when my economy was collapsing, I had to look over and over again at thoughts about money and my worth and my choices and the people around me, who seemed to be better off…..especially my family.

I asked myself over and over, and had facilitators ask me “who would you be without the thought that you should have made more money? Or that you should have chosen and followed a career path? Or that you did it wrong? Or that you need more money right now?”

Who would you be without the thought that other people have done better?

This is a very strange place to visit, this place of no comparison, when the mind is used to constantly comparing.

It feels empty, open, paused. It appears to be like a movie scene, with the sound turned off. It is mysterious….and it begins to be beautiful.

All these people, including family members…..these bodies surrounding us, who we were assuming were better than us, are now just neutral. No better or worse. It’s simply a picture, a vision. No attaching “good” or “bad” to any of it.

I am here breathing, apparently in this body over here….this one that doesn’t have much money associated with it.

This body has a heart beating, lungs taking in breath, eyes seeing other people, eyes seeing the richness, colors, things, stuff, items that money can buy, it appears.

Without a sense that anything is good or bad…this person that I am feels unlimited, wild, magical, unknown. Just being here, seeing.

“Being present means living without control and always having your needs met.”~Byron Katie

I begin to find advantages for my life being exactly as it has been, with no career developed until age 45, with just the amount of money I had.

I watch the other people I love who are around me and see how perfect the amount of money is for them that they have. If they have more, they need more. If I have less, it’s just the amount I can handle.

What a spectacular adventure: to realize how much is here in this moment, bursting with stuff, things, sounds, sights. I need to do nothing to experience any of it. I haven’t had to work hard.

“I notice that I fed myself this morning in the kindest way. The food was wholesome and simple, and if I hadn’t had china and elegant flatware and chairs and table and candle, I would have found a place in the sun and sat and eaten breakfast with my hands. I wouldn’t give myself less than the best of what is available at any moment. I love that I am my keeper, and I love what keeps the keeper: everything.”~Byron Katie

If I spend only 10 seconds looking around, as if I came from another planet or another culture, and I did not know about money and who has enough of it (or that I don’t) then I see how I am surrounded by infinity. Abundance.

This moment is so full. How can I practice giving myself the best of what is available, right here, right now in this moment? There is so much to choose from….I think it might be easy.

Love, Grace

P.S. The next teleclass is beginning soon on MONEY! One of my most favorite all-time topics! We begin Mondays, Feb. 4th to start our week. Class is filling up…register soon and join us for this amazing and wonderful exploration into money and how we think about it, relate to it, get it, and experience it.

Learn About Teleclasses Here

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Guys Wanted Bad

I am laughing at the subject line. Hilarious! But I promised the one wonderful guy in my Sexuality class that I would beat the bushes for another male participant.

One spot left before our second class meets on Tuesday evening Pacific time via telephone! Anyone can catch up by listening to the first class recording. You will be welcomed in with open arms. All for exploring your icky thoughts that are not fun to think.

And meanwhile, back at the ranch. Speaking of WANTING BAD….

Doesn’t that just about sum up one of the major human life dilemmas? I waaaaannnnnttttt it. Really bad.

Recently, I’ve been reminded of how intense the experience of WANTING can be forparents. I’ve had probably 4 clients in the past week work on a deeply similar thought: I want my kid to succeed. I don’t want my kid to feel bad. 

Being a parent myself, I know how badly we can want when it comes to kids.

  • I want her to get good grades
  • I want him to clean his room
  • I want them to be kind and thoughtful
  • I want him to be excited and passionate about learning
  • I want her to excel at ___________ (sports, classes, art, drama, language, etc)
  • I want them to be upstanding citizens
  • I want her to love herself

Parenting another human carries such weight, responsibility, hope, energy, fear…and HOPE! Did I say hope?

We think of ourselves that we need to be strong, excellent, incredible parents who are stellar role models of brilliance!

Our kids don’t always do what we want them to do. They might even “fail” the usual system. These kids might have other ideas, their own desires and interests, their own new way of doing something.

In fact, doing things in a new, innovative, unusual way might secretly be what we would really, really want for them….and for ourselves.

But gosh, that’s entering the unknown. I’m not sure it will work!

This raising a kid thing has to WORK. Meaning, I have to successfully help navigate this child towards THEM being incredible stellar models of brilliance!

They have to turn out GOOD. Otherwise….I’M A TERRIBLE MOTHER.

I must be vigilant!

Wow. So much hanging on the “success” of these creatures under our care. We see these conditions we place on them, and discover that it doesn’t quite feel like wide open love.

My daughter was having a terrible time in school. She was tested. Not enough of a gap between intelligence and skill. No special ed supplied. But she couldn’t read. She was recorded as “three years behind” her grade level.

I did the Work a lot on schools, the inadequacies of the schools, the need to actually go through school in order to learn something. After questioning stressful beliefs, my daughter I realize could try many options, and I knew the schools weren’t bad, and knew that they are full of amazing helpful people AND she doesn’t actually need to go to any of them.

And then I questioned the concept “my daughter needs to read”.

I mean, that just seemed so true! She not only needs to read, she needs to succeed in school, GO to school, and go to college….otherwise she’ll be a waitress for the rest of her life.

Or worse!!

Everyone who is anywhere wants children to read! Everyone knows it is best, this is just basic square one rudimentary stuff of life. How could anyone be happy or successful without reading?

And by the way, while we’re at it…videos, computers, gaming, movies, talking, listening, iphones, cell phones, shows, anything observed by sight that you passively sit back and relax and take in….these are NOT as good as reading.

Reading is better.

Is that absolutely true?

I notice after doing The Work for awhile on this and related ideas, I stopped worrying about all that. I didn’t stop caring. I just accepted that the structure to thrive was going to look really different than I had previously imagined.

My daughter started going to a little itsy bitsy alternative private school. She’s been there for awhile now.

In the past I would have been afraid of this crazy, alternative school.

Bunch of weirdos!

But that was several years ago. I stopped having a panic attack about my daughter and her reading. I continued to question my thinking. It seemed like I was the one who calmed down, not her.

Yesterday, my daughter came through the door breathing with excitement, with a pile of books from the library. She said “mom, you gotta hear this!” She threw down the pile on the table and opened one of them, hunting for the right page…..

“Listen to this book we’re reading in my class!” she said.

And she read out loud to me…..several paragraphs, with speed, clarity, articulation, excitement, laughter.

“Isn’t that funny?!” she said as she looked up.

My eyes were brimming with tears. I had forgotten about that “reading” problem, for quite awhile now. I had stopped wanting her to read. And this is what happened.

“If you want to shrink something, you must first allow it to expand. If you want to get rid of something, you must first allow it to flourish. If you want to take something, you mus first allow it to be given. This is called the subtle perception of the way things are. The soft overcomes the hard. The slow overcomes the fast. Let your workings remain a mystery. Just show people the results.”~Tao Te Ching #36

Yes, that’s pretty funny.

Love, Grace

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I’ve Never Really Done The Work

Sometimes I have a little voice that raises up and says things like “Gosh…you are soooo freakin’ insecure, just look at you! Did you hear what you just said? What a dope!”

It goes on, but it really is a little boring. It repeats itself.

People who work with me often say they have thoughts against themselves most of all, not against other people or the world.

I find it’s really all balled-up together in a big knotted pile. How I think about you is how I think about me is how I think about you, and it’s all bouncing around in all directions, skipping hither and thither.

I often wind up talking a little about that Critical Voice (to put it mildly) at times when working with a client, or in a class or workshop.

Annie Lamott, a fabulous writer I love, says she named this voice KFCK. Like a radio station. You turn on the station and you get the barrage of insults and corrections and commentary on what you are doing wrong, when you did it wrong, how you did it wrong and the way you are likely to do it wrong in the future.

When people learn about doing The Work sometimes they say they have to do their worksheet on themselves. If you are familiar with Byron Katie, you’ll know she highly recommends sticking to considering your thoughts about others, not yourself.

Why?

Because there is almost always a motive, a very deep desire to get in there and remove, fix, eliminate, or destroy the “bad” part of me. Once I do that….then my life will be better, easier, and free.

The thing is, this is not “loving what is” or being with this, as it is. This is not appreciating or understanding or accepting or opening to THIS. Imperfect me.

Last night my “spiritual” group met via the phone, with our facilitator Stephan Bodian. I noticed how my mind raced wildly for the first 30 minutes of the call, after frantically looking for the phone number which I apparently wrote down wrong in my new 2013 calendar.

Then I began to settle into the present moment. And then, I was aware of how much I’ve been rushing. Again.

I shared with the group and felt like my words were fast, busy, and not all that deep. Like I was sharing an observation about a bucket of water I just saw and how fascinating that bucket was….when Stephan and others were talking about seeing the Ocean.

The Voice had a few things to say:

  • you talk too much
  • you’re trying too hard
  • you’ll never get this
  • you’re too busy, too interested in the outer world
  • you’re too hooked on making money, preventing financial disaster
  • you’re a scaredy cat in the end, you can’t stop being afraid

It sometimes sounded a bit more mean, abusive, and nasty than I’ve written here. But you get the idea.

One of my favorite teachers, Joan Tollifson, wrote that sometimes she is sitting at her desk, or going about her life (which has been a lifetime of studying the human condition and her own human condition) and she has had the thought “I’ve ruined my life”. 

I burst out laughing the first time I read it.

When I was at the recent Cleanse with Byron Katie in Los Angeles, at one point in the middle of it while listening to someone do The Work on stage, I had the thought “I’ve never really done The Work.” 

I can’t even remember what came right before that thought. There was some recognition of how deep, profound, wide, and mysterious all this is. How just having the question “is it true?” is so bizarre and penetrating, if you stay with it for more than 2 seconds.

I was aware of how much time I spend chasing after what I think needs to be chased after. How much I believe things are true, that are not really true. How careful I think I need to be sometimes, how cautious, or how frustrated that I’m not “getting it” (whatever IT is) fast enough.

“Look how your mind reacts if you do something that doesn’t live up to your expectations. You try to re-create yourself. And if your mind is like a lot of minds, it could be brutal….As though that violent mode will create something different.”~Byron Katie

What if I just noticed that the chatterbox radio station apparently got turned on, and there it is, being itself? No emergencies, no need to listen with hyper-alert to every word.

What if harsh gunfire in the form of words (or guns, for that matter) is just the way it comes out sometimes, with the belief that this intensity is absolutely necessary to get a point across?

“In reality, there is no such thing as enlightened activity and deluded activity. The distinction is purely notional, and from the perspective of the universe, there is no mistake and no tragedy either way. The disorder is all part of a larger order.”~Joan Tollifson

What if The Voice that gets all shrieky and pestilent and abrasive, or all the behavior I’ve called DISORDERED, is actually part of a greater order, a magnificent order?

Can I find the possibility of this to be true? Can I find examples of how even my disorders are in order, somehow?

I shared with my food and eating group that I found with myself, and with all people with food and eating issues, that they are actually very powerful, passionate, intense and alive!

My disordered eating brought me to explore the universe. On my knees. It turned out to be easier on my knees. And I didn’t need any weapons.

“You can’t not be in grace. Everything about you is totally absolutely perfectly appropriate. All the things you think are wrong with you are absolutely right.”~Tony Parsons

Love, Grace

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Something Is Definitely Wrong

Every single time I start a new teleclass group, I learn new things. Last Friday a fabulous and passionate group gathered to investigate their pain around their relationship with eating food.

Tonight a brave and transparent group gathered to look at sexuality and memories that brought shame, disgust, sadness and the desire for peace.

I am surrounded by such sincere inquiring minds. I am un-doing my own stressful assumptions….and wanting to help everyone follow along with this work, especially the new folks.

I notice thoughts move through my mind, like “I hope this is awesome, I hope people get a lot out of it, I want them to learn, I want them to be filled with awareness, joy, to have AH-HA moments, to get free!”

This prickly sense of anticipation, or looking with these kinds of thoughts to the future, can be VERY fascinating to investigate.

I have these kinds of thoughts with ANY group, meeting, party, gathering, lecture or event that I am hosting, offering, planning or running. Yes, I confess that it’s true.

What I am putting on has to be AWESOMELY GOOD! Please oh please oh please! I want them to like it! To like me! Ack, not that again…

Do they really need to like me? I’ve investigated and discovered they absolutely don’t need to at all. They might even be very annoyed….it really is OK.

But diving deeper into this idea that any workshop or program or class or retreat must be GOOD. What is that? Why? I have had the very same thought myself about things I have signed up for, participated in.

Is it actually absolutely true that if I venture out into the world in some way, go on a journey, that I must learn something, get something, have an ah-ha light bulb go off?

I discover, as I consider this, how often I have thought of myself as truly needing something when I attend a workshop, class, or program. I need the information. Something inside me is missing. I need something more.

I am confused, anxious, bored, seeking. Maybe even broken.

That’s why I’m going to the therapist, for crying out loud! That’s why I’m going to the retreat, the workshop, the meeting, the healer, or the wise teacher.

Otherwise, why would I go!?!

THERE’S A PROBLEM OVER HERE! Something is wrong. 

 Is that true? Is it absolutely true that something is wrong?

Yes. Here’s the list of what’s wrong. See? Surely you agree with me.

How do I react when I think the thought that there is a purpose, a solution, a meaning, an importance, a need, and answer being fulfilled by any workshop, retreat or class offered?

I chase after every workshop that I think will resolve my “problem” that I can find. I can’t stop. I keep seeking. My motto is “find out what is wrong and then fix it”. I have an expected outcome…..ENLIGHTENMENT! I get disappointed if it’s not quite right, not quite the result I was looking for.

Who would I be without the thought that I have a problem? That I need to find a solution? That anyone else needs to find a solution? That there is an ANSWER? That enlightenment is around the next bend?

The wonderful thing about drilling down into the core of my beliefs about all that needs to be fixed, is that everything becomes more and more mysterious, and unresolvable, and open, and wild and free.

As I un-ravel and un-do my own system of thinking that creates stress and worry, doubt, anger or frustration…I know less.

I’m in kindergarten. Preschool.

“All the greatest and most important problems of life are fundamentally insoluble…They can never be solved, but only outgrown. This “outgrowth” proved on further investigation to require a new level of consciousness. Some higher or wider interest appeared on the patient’s horizon, and through this broadening of his or her outlook the insoluble problem lost its urgency. It was not solved logically in its own terms but faded when confronted with a new and stronger life urge.”~Carl Jung 

I turn the thought around: I do NOT need to solve anything, I do not need to find a solution, I do not need to find the answer, I do not need to become enlightened.

What are genuine, authentic, real, believable examples for me that this could be as true, or truer, than my original stressful thought?

I feel much lighter without the thought that I need to do something, be something, find something different. I feel excited. Creative! Imaginative! Not critical, not bitter. Not wanting to avoid this and grab that.

My mind can relax. Something here continues to move and be and grow, no matter what. I don’t have to add anything or do anything myself.

Life is living itself, right here (without my assistance, it turns out).

“Do you want to improve the world? I don’t think it can be done. The world is sacred. It can’t be improved. If you tamper with it, you’ll ruin it. If you treat it like an object, you’ll lose it. There is a time for being ahead, a time for being behind; a time for being in motion, a time for being at rest; a time for being vigorous, a time for being exhausted; a time for being safe, a time for being in danger. The Master sees things as they are, without trying to control them. She lets them go their own way, and resides at the center of the circle.”~Tao Te Ching #29

Love, Grace

P.S. One spot left for the Our Wonderful Sexuality class that just started this evening. You can catch up by listening to the recording. Class will be closed after session two. There is one man in our class, would be fun with another one! Come join us!

Learn About Teleclasses Here

Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.

  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: Untangling the Passion, Attraction, Love, Past Terrors, Future Worries, Fear, Confusion, Tenderness, and Joyful Intimacy. Tuesdays, January 22 – March 12, 2013, 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th. 
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Healing the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating, Food, and Our Bodies. Fridays, January 18 – March 15, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks. No class 2/22.
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29-May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.

In Person workshops:
Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June 2013! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.