The other morning I had a one-on-one phone session with my wise and kind teacher Stephan Bodian.
I notice that the way the mind works is that it appears to be able to co-opt any experience into a seeing it as a slightly imperfect one….or a horrendously imperfect one.
Consulting with an expert, a teacher, a consultant, or even a good wise friend can be an incredible gift, full of learning, awareness, another perspective, good counsel.
Connecting with another person individually, or in a small group where you can’t really “hide” (whether you’re the talkative type or quiet type) can sometimes feel really vulnerable.
The actual content of my phone call was super crazy awesome for me. All it took was a short question and some back-and-forth talk and hearing Stephen say a few things in response, and I felt moved to tears at remembering what really matters…..the mystery of it all.
But before the call…aiyiyi. Here came the pesky mosquito-like thoughts that almost seemed ridiculous and meaningless, and they created NERVOUS energy.
Seriously, the day before this one phone call, I was thinking “how can I get the MOST out of the 30 minutes I have with him on the phone? What’s my biggest, grandest question? What’s the one most important thing?”
Not BAD to have those kinds of thoughts, but my mind started spinning with ideas.
Hmmm, maybe I should talk about my constant need to work on my business. Maybe I should talk to him about “goals” in the real world and how to let go of them. Maybe I should talk about my lack of meditation time, the dumb thing I did last week, or my self-criticism. Maybe I shouldn’t be too emotional (not likely, knowing me).
Jeez, maybe I should ask him for advice about Nervousness.
What I noticed, throughout my day, and in the morning before getting on the phone, is that I was relaxed, then tight, then thinking, then forgetting about it all, then relaxed.
One thing that Stephan talks about, as many other wonderful teachers do, is the idea that thoughts remain present, even all the busy, stressful ones….but as we see who we really are, they lose their grip.
As Byron Katie says, the thoughts still appear, we just stop believing them.
The split second between thinking a thought, which seems to appear out of nowhere, or as a result of something happening “out there”….and then BELIEVING that the thought is true, seems inconceivably fast.
It almost seems like it’s impossible to follow, to catch. When was the moment that I started believing something, versus just having it run through my mind?
One thing I’ve found, is that the body will tell you when you’re believing a thought. It begins to feels stress. Adrenaline kicks in, muscles tighten, teeth clench, the stomach feels tight. The more you are believing your un-true thoughts, the more stress you feel.
Believing un-true thoughts is stressful, that’s what happens. You can’t believe 100% without doubt the thoughts “I need more money” or “I am too fat” or “this phone call MUST be fruitful” and get all happy and psyched and excited.
When you’re a believer in your painful thoughts you don’t jump out of your chair and say “This rocks! I am so, so, so happy that I’m thinking this thought! WOOHOO!”
Except….with The Work and investigating your thinking, you CAN get much lighter.
Who would I be without the thought that something has to go “well”, or that I need anything at the moment, or that I should be doing something else right now, or that I ought to find enlightenment tomorrow afternoon?
Who would I be without the thought that I need or want to get something out of a phone call?
I am filled with gratitude, joy, and peace during the phone call. I breathe deeply.
Even though the phone died, and I couldn’t hear some of what Stephan said (I had the thought during the crackles and dead-space that I always get bad reception–ha ha).
Even though I had waves of various emotions in the rest of the day following my phone call…I remembered that my thinking is not really ME.
“…..we change like the weather, we ebb and flow like the tides, we wax and wane like the moon. We do that, and there’s no reason to resist it. If we resist it, the reality and vitality of life become misery, a hell.”~Pema Chodron
When I allow my little conniving, worried, irritable, jealous, childish thoughts to just be there, instead of OMG I MUST BE A HAPPY PAIN-FREE BRILLIANT PERSON AT ALL TIMES then I take the edge off the suffering.
Maybe even the suffering moves into tears, into expression, and dissolves away.
Who would you be without your belief that you HAVE to change your thinking?
“Rushing into action, you fail. Trying to grasp things, you lose them. Forcing a project to completion, you ruin what was almost ripe. Therefore the Master takes action by letting things take their course. He remains as calm at the end as at the beginning. He has nothing, thus has nothing to lose.”~Tao Te Ching #64
Today, I look forward to the next phone call, the next session, the next contact with other people, the next exploration of truth.
I look forward to my mind having a few pissy thoughts about All This….if it does.
Love, Grace
Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.
- Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th.
- Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29-May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.