Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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There Must Be Some Mistake

Making mistakes is an interesting concept.

Byron Katie says that when she first experienced her huge shift of perspective, quite on its own without her help, people started knocking on her door.

Many of them would say “namaste”. She thought they were saying “no mistake”.

She hadn’t been a part of any scenes that said “namaste” so it was an entirely foreign word. but “no mistake” worked just as well for her.

Kind of hilarious, though, to realize that she was thinking everyone was so brilliant and they were all bowing and saying No Mistake to each other….

And they were brilliant, of course.

Namaste means, roughly, “I bow to your form and the light in you”. In India (or here as well) you might bow with your hands together and this will mean the same thing, even if you don’t say “namaste” out loud.

Mistake is defined in the dictionary as making a blunder in judgment, action or opinion. By definition, it means that it should have or could have gone differently….with more knowledge, or more awareness, or less negligence, a different opinion, an alternative action, or SOMETHING.

But imagine walking about and seeing someone before you and bowing, whether you really do it or not, with the idea that there are no mistakes.

Imagine doing this with that person who really bugs you. That person from 20 years ago, that mean boss, that difficult teenager, that angry son, that ex-partner, that nasty neighbor.

Have you had the thought that a relationship in your life was a mistake? That you made a mistake? They made a mistake? One big blunder?

What if you open to turning that thought around. It doesn’t mean jumping into believing immediately “I did NOT make a mistake, that relationship was NOT a mistake….that was a FABULOUS wonderful relationship, one of the BEST!”

No, that might be a bit far at the beginning.

But if you find yourself experiencing deep stress when you consider that mistaken time you spent in the past, or that mistaken action, with that mistaken person….then you know you can do The Work, and find out what’s really true.

That was a mistake. Is it true? Can I absolutely know that this is true?

How do I react when I believe the thought that there’s been a mistake?

Oh boy. Busy mind. Sad, unhappy, frustrated, regretful. Busy feelings. Many images. Worried energy. Tight. Planning ways to fix it. Self-critical. Wishing things were different.

Who would you be without the thought that a mistake was made? Without the thought that it could or should have gone differently, could have gone better, could have not hurt so much?

Who would you be without the thought that you made a mistake, or THEY made a mistake?

I did not make a mistake, that period of time was not a mistake, he did not make a mistake, she did not make a mistake, it’s nobody’s fault.

Can you find examples of how this might be true? What if everyone is always doing the best they can? Were there any advantages to it going the way it went?

“Our parents, our children, our spouses, and our friends will continue to press every button we have, until we realize what it is that we don’t want to know about ourselves, yet. They will point us to our freedom every time.”~Byron Katie

The thing happened. It went the way it did.

Without any mistakes, I am in this present moment. Open and empty, filled with peace. Moving with the wave.

I bow to the mistake. Namaste. Thank you for being there, to show me where I have believed in mistakes.

“Open yourself to the Tao, then trust your natural responses; and everything will fall into place.” ~ Tao Te Ching #23

Love, Grace

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Start A Huge Foolish Project, And You May Cross A Dangerous Line

Long ago, I had the incredible experience of working on a ship. I was 24 and that job lasted for a little less than a year. My position? Ordinary Seaman.

I am still fascinated with the lingo and history of life at sea, and I know I was only an onlooker. Peeking in to a culture and world that would never really be mine.

A 24 year old woman being an Ordinary Seaman? I think the people of the 13th century would have been stunned. It’s still a little weird.

For some odd reason, and there perhaps is no reason, I am a shellback, because of that experience.

A what?

A Trusty Shellback is someone who has crossed the equator. This is no small feat. This does not mean, the vessel “crossed” the equator line, and therefore you are automatically a shellback.

Since ancient shipping times, on board the vessels crossing the equator, there are very strange and wild ceremonies put forth to initiate the dirty, scummy wogs (those seamen who have never crossed the equator) into the other side of the line.

All work stops, there are elaborate rituals and rites performed. Captains and ship officers become someone other than they usually are.

Yeah, that was crazy. I have my certificate signed by King Neptune to prove I went through it.

In every culture, group, and family there are “lines” that get laid down, and with some of those lines, it’s a Big Honkin’ Deal if you cross them.

Sometimes it’s very “positive”….like graduations, weddings, changing careers.

Sometimes it’s very “negative”….like taking something from someone, hurting someone, giving something away, ending a marriage, voting for BLEEP, taking the pill.

The Work of Byron Katie, as so many of you already know, allows us to enter the realm of the questioning mind where it doesn’t matter where you are from, what you have done, which gender you are, what historical age you live in, or whether or not you’ve done the “right” thing or the “wrong” thing.

You are simply looking at who you would be, without your story. Without your fear, trepidation, sadness, anger, or anxiety.

For some reason, there I was on that ship, because of very odd circumstances lining up in the universe, like the federal government creating a Equal Opportunity law, and a good friend of mine calling me to say “they need an OS on this ship, get over here and you’ve got the job” and me dropping out of college and knowing I needed a huge change.

Not everyone liked that I was on that ship. Some of the others employed there could hardly stand it.

  • young women shouldn’t be on ships
  • this is dangerous
  • we can’t change the way we’ve always done it
  • she’s not strong enough, tough enough, smart enough
  • if she can do it, that means my job is diminished, disrespected
  • she doesn’t belong here, she’s not our kind

If I had believed their thoughts, I would have been so freaked out I wouldn’t have lasted five minutes.

Was I thinking that they were having those thoughts, or did I assume that these were their thoughts because of a few stressful moments when someone said something or acted uncomfortable, or acted mean?

Mostly…..everyone was incredible. They were kind, attentive, protective. They showed me the ropes. Literally. One guy showed me how to tie four vital knots that we needed to use from time to time.

Another showed me how to use the nail gun. I got the special job that no one else wanted of re-painting the huge faded black letters of the ship’s name on the stern.

There were hours spent in silence on watch…hours of it in pitch dark under the night sky.

There was lots of time painting and re-painting the ship gray.

Today, I remembered a moment during that amazing time, and I thought about how sometimes, you go across a “line” without planning, without controlling anything about it.

There I was in a most unusual weird strange place out at sea, with a very unusual job for a 24 year old that could only have happened in very unusual perfect circumstances….and it turns out, a line was crossed.

Several lines were crossed. For many of the men on that ship, for the Chief Botswain, for the other OS. Lines were being crossed left and right, all over the place.

And I was there to cross it, because I was. I was PART of the line-crossing. I had my role in the story. Apparently, the one who could play that part, at that time.

It wasn’t up to me. If I had known what I was getting into, as I said, I might have been afraid and not gone.

“Start a huge, foolish project like Noah. It makes absolutely no difference what people think of you.”~Rumi

Getting on that ship was a huge, foolish project. But a thing inside said “go”. And because of that, I got to cross several deep lines that I had no idea would be crossed.

Perhaps this is all we can do…follow the “yes”….and along the way, you will come to some edges. Sometimes they are sharp.

Pema Chodron wrote of how her teacher Chogyam Tungpa, Rinpoche, told her this:

“A big wave comes along and knocks you down. You find yourself lying on the bottom of the oceans with your face in the sand, and even though all the sand is going up your nose and into your mouth and your eyes and ears, you stand up and you begin walking again. Then the next wave comes and knocks you down. The waves just keep coming, but each time you get knocked down, you stand up and keep walking. After a while, you’ll find that the waves appear to be getting smaller.”

Keep going. Follow the “yes”. It’s worth it….and it’s out of your hands anyway.

Love, Grace

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Underestimating Your Enemies Means Losing

For all of you who have written with interest about the upcoming Year For The Addictive Mind….stay tuned. I will have many details on both my website and also it will be posted on Byron Katie’s website by the end of this coming weekend.

Even with so many details to finalize, when I awoke this morning, I was thinking, as usual, about the meaning of life, along with when I was going to repair the tear in my coat. Such a rascally rascal, that voice that enjoys figuring things out. As if.

I read a passage the day before where a very old woman who had experienced a truly wonderful and rich life, discovered that at the end of her long days on the planet, she really hadn’t figured out anything yet.

DOH!

All this seeking, learning, analyzing, ruminating, wondering, fascination…it comes and goes in waves of happiness and sadness, despair, grief, ecstasy, joy, peace, fear….all kinds of feelings about everything, coming and going hither and thither.

That big question that Einstein posed…is the universe friendly, or NOT?

Was the little old lady talking about THAT question? I don’t know for sure, but that’s what I was thinking about this morning:

Do I now know, or do I now NOT know, if the universe is friendly?

The usual way of life, for me so far, has been that things are hummin’ along and then something happens, and it gets categorized into Friendly/Not Friendly.

There’s all the reaction, and response, and the A-Teams checking out the casualties (or births), thumbs up, disappointments, up or down…but in the back of the mind a little note-taker who is cataloguing and recording the friendly and not friendly experiences.

I had a Not Friendly experience recently. According to the One Who is Recording In The Catalogue.

And I had to ask myself, as someone who knows the beauty of self-inquiry, what could be the advantage in this situation? I found one, and then another.

It was quite startling, to find advantages so quickly, almost immediately after the Not Friendly occurred.

But then I noticed, it still felt like an emotional blow, like getting hit really hard, injured, damaged, misunderstood. I felt sad.

I felt so very sad, that I had sudden immense, deep doubt in the Friendliness of the Universe.

And then I noticed….in this situation I’m really invested in getting back to positive, to not have to feel so incredibly sad, to manage my wounds.

Positive thinking, finding turnarounds, quickly asking “who would I be without this thought?!” is not The Work if I do it in order to find a good outcome, or get happy.

It’s not The Work if I’m all “QUICK! Remember that it’s a Friendly Universe! OMG Hurry, Hurry, Hurry!”

Trying to make the best of a situation is OK, but it’s not exactly always REAL. It’s not theTruth. It’s trying to impose a positive slant on Reality.

Oops. Remember that quote by Katie..”Argue with reality, and you lose, but only 100% of the time.” 

This includes arguments that say that surely, the universe is friendly, when you’re really NOT sure at that particular moment.

I once again realized, when feeling a strong emotional feeling of great grief, that I was judging the actual feeling as bad to feel. The situation, with bad feelings in it, was BAD.

I was trying to draw conclusions from my experience, too, maybe a little too fast. Like a strategy for handling this very terrible situation.

“Gosh golly, this will be a really amazing learning opportunity, this will allow me to practice acceptance of endings/death!”….OR…. “This doesn’t really bother me, I can force myself, surely, into forgetting all about this!”

If someone gets hit by a car, and is lying in the street, we don’t run over to them with blood flowing around them and look into their eyes and say “would you like to do The Work right now?”

This morning, I didn’t do that to myself either.

But now, later in the day….I will. Everything in perfect timing.

“There is no greater misfortune than underestimating your enemy. Underestimating your enemy means thinking that he is evil. Thus you destroy yoru three treasures and become an enemy yourself. When two great forces oppose each other, the victory will go to the one that knows how to yield.”~Tao Te Ching #69

My suffering and grief is not my enemy, that person who did something that hurt is not my enemy, this situation is not my enemy.

Are there ways that this is true? Not lets-get-positive ways. Real ways. Is there anything friendly here? Can you find it?

That’s what I’m talkin’ about!

Love, Grace

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A One Year Program Starts In April

Today just a quick announcement to say that I’ll finally be offering a program I’ve been thinking and dreaming about for many years:

A One Year Program For The Addictive Mind

A small group will join together to do The Work of Byron Katie on all the topics, thoughts, and beliefs that create stress in our lives.

All the pain that creates addiction, whether it is to a substance, an activity, relationships, or MORE thinking.

We’ll work on the same general topics together every month, meeting via teleconference, and there will be two in-person residential retreats as a part of the program.

Can you imagine having a group meet in this powerful way to question every part of the thinking that results in compulsive behavior, more compulsive thinking, and sadness, anger, or anxiety?

I really can’t wait!

Tentative start date is April Fools Day (the best!) with the teleconferences. Retreats will be in September 2013 and March 2014.

Many more details to follow on my website in the next few weeks…I’ll keep you posted.

Meanwhile, if you’re suffering because you’re addicted to your story, you can’t stop thinking and thinking, you can’t stop whatever it is you do that hurts….

You can do The Work right now, in this moment by asking yourself if it is true, that thing you’re thinking. Is it absolutely 100% true beyond a shadow of a doubt?

“If we really address the whole issue of suffering, as well as our desire and yearning for freedom, love and connection, then we need to learn how to look clearly at our own minds.”~Adyashanti

Love, Grace

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Lack of Creativity Is A Problem

This morning in our Monday teleclass Earning Money we had a most fascinating time looking at the concept of “creativity”.

Many of us will believe that we need MORE of it, this thing called creativity: If I had more creativity, I would be more interesting, more attractive, and more wealthy.

Some people in the class thought of creativity as having the capacity to make things, to sew, to do pottery, to paint. Some thought of it as writing a book. Some thought of it as having some great solution to a “problem”.

The definition of creative in the dictionary is “the use of imagination or original ideas, to transcend the usual patterns or rules, to cause something to come into being”.

The most painful part of thinking about creativity can be in comparing our own with others.

That person over there is making a much prettier painting than me. That woman used to wait tables in New York, but now she is Lady Gaga and I’m still nothing. All my friends can cook, sew, make gifts by hand, and I hate crafts. He built that house himself, my house is boring. They invented google in their garage, I have no ideas!

Thoughts about creativity are stressful when we believe that if we were more creative, we would have more, be more, or do more.

My life would be better if I had MORE of this thing, called creativity.

My lack of creativity is a problem!

But is this thing called creativity actually yours? And are you sure your life needs to be better…..and that creativity is the ticket?

What do we really mean by creativity anyway? Remember the definition? It means imagination, original ideas, transcending the usual norm….something unique is being expressed.

Isn’t that already what you are? A very entirely unique human being living a different life than was ever once lived or ever will be lived again? Aren’t you creativity in action?

What if what you are IS creativity….just the way you are? And what if the creativity that comes to you and springs out of you isn’t actually even yours? Did you cause it, or did it just seem to happen?

Who would you be without the thought that you need any more creativity, inventiveness or imagination than you have now?

Who would you be without the thought that what you are just isn’t enough?

The hilarious thing is when I sit with this idea of creativity and wishing for more….I realize how my mind has been constantly creating stories my whole life. And they aren’t all fun stories.

Boy, I can sure find the Turnaround to be true: I need LESS creativity!  Less of my stories about creativity.

“Coming to the end of suffering has to do with reality and truth, with what’s real as opposed to what’s not real, and valuing what’s actual instead of what’s imagined.” ~Adyashanti

What does it feel like to be OK with what is, right here, right now, the way you are?

Love, Grace

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Getting Crucified Has Its Advantages

The concept of “decisions” and how we make them is very complex and seems to have many underlying beliefs, often stressful, for many people.

A little child sees a huge store window full of toys and her grandma says “let’s go inside and choose one”.  But every single toy looks so fabulous!

Have you ever been with a kid who was taking too long to decide?

One of my good friends used to be very upset with all the people in lines waiting at the sandwich shop. If they got to the counter, after all that waiting, and hesitated or had questions about the menu, ARRRRGGGHH.

Just pick something! Choose!

The thing is, decisions only become “critical” when there seems to be a lot at stake. I am going to choose this action, and there will be consequences that don’t really matter in the big scheme of things…..

OR, I am going to choose this other action, and there will be BIG changes afterwards.

The more there seems to be at stake, the bigger the worry, fear, anxiety, frustration….the more we write lists of pros and cons and wring our hands.

Should I stay here or should I move to another country? More thinking about it.

Should I order the salmon or the pasta? Less thinking about it.

Should I try to quit smoking again? Should I take my coat with me? Should I say I want a divorce? Should I buy the brown couch or the gray couch? Should I ask her out?

When I was a teenager, after I became aware that sometimes humans do odd things that appear to be out of their usual kind nature, I remember wondering what Peter or Judas were thinking when they decided to “betray” Jesus in the stories in the bible.

Both these men spent a ton of time with Jesus and admired him, loved him, appreciated him…as the story goes.

And then something happened. Whether it was hunger for wealth, or fear of being associated with that radical guy, or jealousy, or misunderstanding Jesus’ message or words, or competition…..whatever it was that was bothering them drove them to make decisions that would change the course of the lives of everyone involved.

Loss, suffering, death, goin’ down in history as the ones who dissed their buddy.

But did they personally actually make those decisions?

It’s not like they planned out the future and said, “there’s going to come a time when I will throw Jesus under a bus”.

It just worked out that way. They didn’t enjoy it. In fact, it was quite agonizing, so the story goes. They surprised themselves with their own behavior.

Who would you rather be, the guy who got betrayed, or the betrayer? As Byron Katie asks sometimes, who would you rather be, the perpetrator, or the victim?

When something bad happens that we think is because someone else was wrong, someone else betrayed us, abandoned us, lied, embellished, tricked, made up rumors, gossiped, was abusive, violent, manipulated the situation….the Threatened Mind Committee can have a field day.

When something difficult happens that appears to be caused by someone else, the first level of reaction is usually to think that the person who took action against someone else is crazy, twisted, wrong, very confused, or has some kind of disorder.

Often, people have this kind of feeling towards a lover or spouse who leaves them.

That person who ditched their partner is judged as fearful, a bit mixed up, unskilled, immature, unhappy, full of distrust, suspicious. Maybe they are an addict, maybe they don’t know any better based on their family background.

The trouble with looking at the other person as if they have a major problem is that the Threatened Mind Committee will involve YOU in the attack. Some of the voices will think it’s YOUR fault, that YOU are the stupid, ignorant, unlovable, unworthy, messed up, victimized, weak, gullible person.

And more importantly, the trouble with looking at the other person with any anger or sadness or fear AT ALL, is that it puts you in prison internally…..ready to defend, get justice, fight, return the blow.

But I notice as that if I stop and wait, and open myself to the possibility of questioning every painful thought that streaks through my consciousness, then I have a chance to be free.

“Defense is the first act of war”~Byron Katie

What happens when you center yourself and start to question your stressful thinking?

You don’t defend yourself. You don’t get all riled up (as much). You may even remember right in the moment when someone leaves you, betrays you, or makes statements against you, that this it is OK that this is happening.

You may find the part of you that’s like Jesus. Willing, able, fearless, innocent, and totally accepting of the outcome. Ready to live in peace, without an ego-centered point of reference.

Who would you be without the thought that you have ever been betrayed?

“My safety lies in my defenselessness”~A Course In Miracles

Without the thought that I have been betrayed, I am not afraid. I trust. I have the courage to let go. I let life have me, there is no struggle, there is just movement here or there.

I turn the thought around that I was betrayed, that its possible for bad decisions to get made by other people.

My thinking is betraying me, I am betraying myself, I am betraying this person who I believe is doing the betraying, with my thoughts of fear and anger. 

Is there any possible way this thing that happened is a good thing?

Wow. There is a complete turnaround, an opportunity, of momentous power here. What I have always asked for, as I live and breathe each day, is that love engulfs me, and my urge to BE IMPORTANT dies, and that I surrender to the universe instead of arguing with it. That happens when I find turnarounds to stressful thoughts.

What did I get when my former husband left?

Silent time alone in the house, playing the piano for more hours than I had in 15 years, picking up the guitar again to learn new songs, signing up for classes in Qigong and meditation, new friends, new work.

What I have always asked for is to be with God/ Source/ Chaos/ Death/ Endings/ Beginnings/ Mystery without a ME controlling it all, or trying to, and using a lot of energy.

Yes, I wanted the upheaval, the new connections, to drop the old ways, to change. That is what it took.

 “Believe me, there cannot be too much destruction.”~Nisargadatta

Who would I be without the thought that anybody ever did me wrong?

 “You can get out by simply by letting everyday life take down the walls you hold around yourself. You simply don’t participate in supporting, maintaining, and defending your fortress.”~Michael Singer

Everyday life is gifting me with freedom…even if it scares me to the bones. That person who left, who betrayed, who challenged me, who incited my anger, who blamed me, who criticized me….they are the most amazing assistants for knocking out that tight little identity I think is me.

Getting crucified may hurt, but what comes after is life without a story. And pure gratitude.

Love, Grace

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The Upside of Death

Many people wrote me yesterday to ask details about the Death Class. Several requests for evening led me to schedule it for Thursdays starting March 7 – April 11, 2013 from 6:15 – 7:45 pm Pacific time. Click HERE to register for it.

I am also having fun calling it the Death Class (and don’t worry, we will talk about Pain and Sickness as well!). But it sure makes me laugh to say that I’m teaching a Death Class.

Bringing humor to death and dying has been something we humans have brought to existence throughout the ages, especially since writing, books, theater and poetry.

Maybe even cave men joked around about death. Ug and Thug pretending they fell off a cliff or got gored by a rhino, rolling around laughing.

We will all say that Death and Dying are so serious….and yet, it’s quite amazing to find that often, there are sparks of laughter in the middle of the “end” of someone’s life.

Many years ago, my father was at the end of his. His four daughters, and all of our boyfriends or new husbands at the time, my mother, and my father’s best friend, had all been keeping vigil in my parent’s bedroom for several days.

The last round of chemo in the hospital had come to an end. There was no other possible treatment. It was over. They had sent my father home to die.

My childhood house was filled with people bringing over food. A priest came and gathered for awhile with my sisters and I in our parent’s home, where we all had grown up.

One of my father’s dearest friends called him from Africa. Another flew from across the country to visit my dad for 2 hours, dressed in a business suit, and then returned to the airport to fly away again.

And then came the actual Last Day of my father’s life on the planet.

The people he really loved and cherished were all surrounding him. My mother shared photo albums from their wedding, everyone was in their (fortunately) very large bedroom sitting in chairs, lying on the floor, lying on my parents big bed.

We sang lullabies as we listened to my father breathe. He lay on a special hospital-type bed. The day was a very dark November afternoon with drizzling gray skies outside.

All afternoon we talked in hushed voices about all kinds of things, stretched our stiff necks, went to the bathroom, or would go sit by my father’s bed. Maybe someone would cry softly and we would sit with our arms around each other for a minute.

As all the light faded and darkness came, someone lit more candles. The door opened and closed and people placed a tray of sandwiches on my parent’s dresser.

And then the breathing stopped.

Suddenly, everyone sat up on alert. Everyone who was more than 2 feet away came to my father’s side. We all gathered close and touched him, his shoulders, arms, legs, feet.

We looked at each other, holding our own breath. My mother uttered a cry of great grief. We all began to weep.

And then my father took another breath.

Every single person in that room suddenly burst out laughing. There were no words, there were tears and laughing, and laughing….

And then listening, and waiting, and a long, long pause…

All the laughter fading to a hush, and then listening, and silence, silence.

And then we all knew, simultaneously, that really WAS the last breath, that last one.

And THEN the tears flowed and everyone sobbed. My forehead was resting on my father’s arm and I was holding his hand with my own, and I felt it grow cold. As I cried, I was amazed with this recognition of something I had heard about, the body having no more heat.

And strangely, that laughter did not feel very different from the grief that poured out. At all.

All of it felt like the truth, like love.

“The Tao is like the Great Mother: empty yet inexhaustible, it gives birth to infinite worlds. It is always present within you. You can use it any way you want.”~Tao Te Ching #6

We’re all in the Death Class. Amazing and Beautiful, containing the funniest and the most serious of it all.

Love, Grace

Learn About Teleclasses Here 

Click here to register for the Pain, Sickness and Death Class!

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th.
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life. Thursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 6:15 – 7:45 pm. 6 weeks $295. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29-May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.     
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Oh Goody! It’s Pain, Sickness and Death

It’s here, it’s here! The teleclass on Pain, Sickness and Death!!!

Kind of funny thing to announce with exclamation points, right?

We humans make a lot of jokes about death, getting old, getting sick, and going through very tough physical pain. We often joke about it because it’s so uncomfortable, so serious, and so incredibly difficult.

These things seem threatening. For real!

Feeling acute pain or chronic pain that doesn’t seem to end….having your best friend get terminal cancer…a child dying unexpectedly, or a parent…facing your own imminent death…

These are the experiences encountered in life that can bring the greatest suffering.

With great loss or shock, disease or physical difficulty, many of us think we can’t get through it….like it will actually be so painful emotionally that our lives will be ruined.

I once met a woman who had three boys who were all killed. I had the thought “how could she live through that?” 

But of course, we do live through the deaths of people who are very close to us. There this woman was, right in front of me, living beyond her three sons.

Just THINKING about pain, sickness and death can produce the feelings of horror, or dread. Nothing has even happened yet, and we’re freaking out because of the pictures in our minds.

Turning and facing to look at all this, head-on, is not always pleasant. But sometimes, when the anxiety gets too strong, there’s no other way to go except to dive into the biggest fear.

As it turns out, when you look at the process of being human on this planet, it is not truethat parents should die before their children. It is not true that people shouldn’t get cancer. It is not true that people shouldn’t get in car accidents. It is not true that people shouldn’t have terrible pain in some area of their body day after day.

Because those things happen. All the time.

I figure, as Byron Katie has suggested all these years, you can either argue with What Is and suffer, or question your thinking.

How could that terrible horrible worst thing happening actually be OK? How can I accept it? How can I be comfortable with it? How can I stop worrying?

I have found that the way to stop worrying and being so upset…is to find out what I’m most afraid of, most against, and bring it to self-inquiry.

  • It’s sad that I have a limited time on the planet
  • Getting cancer is terrible
  • It’s wrong and horrible when children die
  • I need my leg to stop hurting
  • Something terrible is going to happen
  • Being young is better than being old

The mind will have a field day delivering horror-show images.

What if we can question and contemplate everything though….these very worst, worst experiences we’ve encountered, the things we most fear?

What if we could find peace right in the middle of mayhem, anxiety, or endings?

“The whole notion of death is a beautiful and very potent spiritual awakener….Even the very idea of death takes away everything we’re identified with. The body will go, thoughts will go, imagination will go….death takes it all away. For the mind, this is terrifying! But if you just imagine body gone, mind gone, feelings gone, memories gone…what’s left?….Death takes everything away except what’s essential.”~Adyashanti

As I turnaround all my thoughts about death, sickness, pain, accidents…all those “bad” things that can happen to a body….I find a foundation of peace that is startling. I think it’s been here the whole time, I just didn’t see it before with all the layers of fear piled on top.

  • It’s awesome that I have a limited time on the planet..what, I want to be special and stay endlessly?
  • Getting cancer is fantastic. It made me slow down, pay attention, rest, actually stop worrying…every day a gift.
  • It’s not wrong or horrible when children die. They don’t ever have to go through all the crap older people do, they are innocent, they don’t think it’s their fault.
  • I don’t need my leg to stop hurting. I’m breathing, walking…learning about pain.
  • Something wonderful is going to happen…wow, bring it on! It’s OK if it’s over.
  • Being old is better than being young, if that’s what you are. This body is incredible, it’s being the perfect servant taking me to the end zone slowly but surely.

“I see life and death as equal. Reality is good; so death must be good, whatever it is, if it’s anything at all.”~Byron Katie

If you’re ready to question your fears about the worst case scenarios….join me on Tuesday mornings starting 2/12. We’ll look at the experience of feeling physical pain, with awareness of illness and malady, and of course the top favorite….death.

I’d love company along this crazy upside-down journey of opening to what’s apparently difficult, in discovering what’s true.

Love, Grace

 

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The Expert’s Mind Is Best

My Marine Biology teacher in high school was sooooo excited about marine science that some students went on to study biology just because of his enthusiasm! He was happy, light, and joyful about all the details of crabs, seaweed and salt water.

He was an expert at the world of marine biology, but he LOVED hanging out with us beginners.  He was an expert at teaching, at engaging with teenagers. For many students it became their favorite class.

So many of us have heard the concept “Beginner’s Mind”. It’s popular amongst the meditators and students of the human condition in various modalities.

Beginner’s Mind, or Sho Shin, is a term used in zen tradition. The teacher Shunryu Suzuki wrote a book called Zen Mind, Beginners Mind in 1973.

People who have never even heard of zen often get very drawn to the thought that being at the beginning….having a mind that is innocent, open, fresh, new, and has no answers…is an exciting, empty, sweet place to be.

It’s like the fun part of being at the beginning of a journey, sending out the invitations to a party, starting from scratch, the first day of a brand new job, flirting with a new love interest, having an empty canvas before you, moving into your new home, taking a bite of a food you’ve never heard of before, getting a great new idea……the moment before any danger or trouble existed, yet.

The first day of the journey out of The Shire! The bags are packed, there is plenty of food and provisions, no one has been stabbed yet with a sharp object.

ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!

Oh. But wait, that’s a problem. I don’t want ALL things to be possible, I want to avoid bad things and I want to not go through hell and I want to never suffer. Please.

I think I will study, study, study and become an expert. So I can get to where I want, have what I want, not feel pain, and have things be easier.

Sometimes, thoughts about being at the beginning are very painful. Filled with great discouragement.

The reason people are invited in zen to return to Beginner’s Mind is because that Expert place sometimes creates blind spots, forgetfulness of what it used to be like….it creates a tendency to be a Know-It-All.

The down side of expertise is that when someone gets really knowledgeable about a topic, or condition, or the way-things-are….they can appear puffed up, bossy, parental.

Experts can be full of giving advice, telling people what or how to do it, opinionated, judgmental, anxious, pushy, and frustrated with all the people out there who should know more, know better.

But my high school teacher wasn’t like that. He was so HAPPY and had so much humor about his special topic Marine Biology.

He loved it when students asked questions. “I’m so glad you asked!” he would yell with a huge smile on his face. And we would all laugh.

Since I teach classes in this process called The Work, which is profound, simple, yet very deep, I make contact with Beginners all the time who may have never even heard of The Work.

I always like to say, The Work is simple, but not so easy. And actually, not that simple!

You may have noticed.

Byron Katie herself says, “that’s why it’s called The Work”.

The thing is, to enjoy this moment where I am about to embark on something new, where I know nothing, is NOT exactly appealing if I believe it’s too much work, or I can’t do it, I don’t get it, or it will take to freakin’ long to get there.

The down side of being a beginner in something can be very stressful. Even with The Work. People new to questioning their thinking may have thoughts like this:

  • why are other people so enamored with this method?
  • this is too cognitive, I learn kinesthetically so this isn’t for me
  • my mind is driving me nuts with so much thinking, and it’s only made WORSE by answering these four questions
  • I can’t identify any single thoughts that bother me
  • I hate writing things down
  • this takes too long and it’s boring
  • I have a good story and surely you agree with me that it sucks
  • this work is waaaaaay too negative, jeez!
  • just questioning thoughts won’t change ANYTHING

The thing is, no one has to do The Work, or any other method of inquiry about life. No one has to follow any programs, study, practice, or learn. It’s maybe weird that there are no requirements at all to life, but there are not.

No Requirements.

No one has to like Marine Biology.

If someone is not understanding The Work and you think they SHOULD understand The Work, and they should DO The Work….then it’s time for YOU to do The Work.

What if my high school teacher was angry at the students who weren’t really into it? What if he had the idea that some students are too hostile, dumb, close-minded, or rude? What if he thought it was so dull and worthless to hang out with beginner students?

But he didn’t. We could all feel it. He LOVED teaching us.

When becoming a so-called Expert is done because we are so thrilled, excited, engaged, and full of love about the topic….wow, then in that mode, it’s amazing to be a student of the thing we’re becoming an Expert about.

Doing The Work, I have found I love studying my mind, other peoples’ minds, the human mind, the human condition. The path keeps unfolding. Always something new to learn.

If I hear someone talking about The Work or self-inquiry and how disturbing it is for them or how they don’t understand it, I can turn toward them or away from them. Open or closed.

I know which one feels better.

“How can I not be available to anyone who asks for help? I love people just the way they are, whether they see themselves as saints or sinners. I know that each of us is beyond categories, unfathomable. It’s not possible to reject people unless you believe your story about them.”~Byron Katie

I notice the energy of “rejection” sometimes appears. I will think “that expert doesn’t know what the hell they’re talking about!” or “that beginner doesn’t know anything! I wish they did!”

And then I feel that energy that is interested in rejecting that person or situation, and I know to ask “Is It True?”

That person should be different than they are…in a different place, farther down the path, closer to the beginning…… Really? Are you sure?

Who would I be without the thought that they shouldn’t be saying that, acting that way, thinking those thoughts, feeling those feelings?

I would watch, wait, and be very still.

“By watching the mind, you will notice that it is engaged in the process of trying to make everything okay…..When you see the mind telling you how to fix the world and everyone in it in order to suit yourself, just don’t listen.”~Michael Singer in The Untethered Soul

All those thoughts that new people express that are so honest and real, especially where they say they don’t understand what it means to question the mind….I remember not getting it either.

I don’t actually even get it now, entirely. But the difference is, it is no longer frightening. Exploring when and where I feel against something is absolutely fascinating.

Not understanding this mind, my thinking, or exactly what’s going on when I question my thoughts is even fun a lot of the time.

“Anyone in harmony with what is has no past to project as a future, so there’s nothing she expects. Whatever appears is always fresh, brilliant, surprising, obvious, and exactly what she needs…..For her, everything is new. She has never seen it before….She doesn’t expect results, because she has no future.”~Byron Katie

I notice I’m excited about the raw, blunt, direct beginner. The one with awesome questions, and defense, irritation. She finds this whole inquiry thing “lame”.

I remember thinking that, too. We’re on the same page.

And I notice I LOVE questioning my thoughts, and this seems to have been going on for about a decade now, if you believe in time.

I didn’t study more marine biology after high school….and I can guarantee you that my teacher is not upset about this. I once ran into him when I had growing children myself, and he turned out to be retired.

He said “call me any time and I’ll do a teaching walk on the beach for everyone in your entire family!” Just because he loves it.

Love, Grace

P.S. Room for one more person in tomorrow’s teleclass on questioning all our thoughts about money and work: how to earn it, get it, receive it…what our thoughts are about work, jobs, our businesses, marketing, announcing, making contact with others, charging, the people who bug us the most. It’s a blast to arrive back at Beginner’s Mind with Money and Work. ALL THINGS BECOME POSSIBLE! Click below to register.

Learn About Teleclasses Here 

Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29-May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
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You Have To Change Your Thinking

The other morning I had a one-on-one phone session with my wise and kind teacher Stephan Bodian.

I notice that the way the mind works is that it appears to be able to co-opt any experience into a seeing it as a slightly imperfect one….or a horrendously imperfect one.

Consulting with an expert, a teacher, a consultant, or even a good wise friend can be an incredible gift, full of learning, awareness, another perspective, good counsel.

Connecting with another person individually, or in a small group where you can’t really “hide” (whether you’re the talkative type or quiet type) can sometimes feel really vulnerable.

The actual content of my phone call was super crazy awesome for me. All it took was a short question and some back-and-forth talk and hearing Stephen say a few things in response, and I felt moved to tears at remembering what really matters…..the mystery of it all.

But before the call…aiyiyi. Here came the pesky mosquito-like thoughts that almost seemed ridiculous and meaningless, and they created NERVOUS energy.

Seriously, the day before this one phone call, I was thinking “how can I get the MOST out of the 30 minutes I have with him on the phone? What’s my biggest, grandest question? What’s the one most important thing?”

Not BAD to have those kinds of thoughts, but my mind started spinning with ideas.

Hmmm, maybe I should talk about my constant need to work on my business. Maybe I should talk to him about “goals” in the real world and how to let go of them. Maybe I should talk about my lack of meditation time, the dumb thing I did last week, or my self-criticism. Maybe I shouldn’t be too emotional (not likely, knowing me).

Jeez, maybe I should ask him for advice about Nervousness.

What I noticed, throughout my day, and in the morning before getting on the phone, is that I was relaxed, then tight, then thinking, then forgetting about it all, then relaxed.

One thing that Stephan talks about, as many other wonderful teachers do, is the idea that thoughts remain present, even all the busy, stressful ones….but as we see who we really are, they lose their grip.

As Byron Katie says, the thoughts still appear, we just stop believing them.

The split second between thinking a thought, which seems to appear out of nowhere, or as a result of something happening “out there”….and then BELIEVING that the thought is true, seems inconceivably fast.

It almost seems like it’s impossible to follow, to catch. When was the moment that I started believing something, versus just having it run through my mind?

One thing I’ve found, is that the body will tell you when you’re believing a thought. It begins to feels stress. Adrenaline kicks in, muscles tighten, teeth clench, the stomach feels tight. The more you are believing your un-true thoughts, the more stress you feel.

Believing un-true thoughts is stressful, that’s what happens. You can’t believe 100% without doubt the thoughts “I need more money” or “I am too fat” or “this phone call MUST be fruitful” and get all happy and psyched and excited.

When you’re a believer in your painful thoughts you don’t jump out of your chair and say “This rocks! I am so, so, so happy that I’m thinking this thought! WOOHOO!”

Except….with The Work and investigating your thinking, you CAN get much lighter.

Who would I be without the thought that something has to go “well”, or that I need anything at the moment, or that I should be doing something else right now, or that I ought to find enlightenment tomorrow afternoon?

Who would I be without the thought that I need or want to get something out of a phone call?

I am filled with gratitude, joy, and peace during the phone call. I breathe deeply.

Even though the phone died, and I couldn’t hear some of what Stephan said (I had the thought during the crackles and dead-space that I always get bad reception–ha ha).

Even though I had waves of various emotions in the rest of the day following my phone call…I remembered that my thinking is not really ME.

“…..we change like the weather, we ebb and flow like the tides, we wax and wane like the moon. We do that, and there’s no reason to resist it. If we resist it, the reality and vitality of life become misery, a hell.”~Pema Chodron

When I allow my little conniving, worried, irritable, jealous, childish thoughts to just be there, instead of OMG I MUST BE A HAPPY PAIN-FREE BRILLIANT PERSON AT ALL TIMES then I take the edge off the suffering.

Maybe even the suffering moves into tears, into expression, and dissolves away.

Who would you be without your belief that you HAVE to change your thinking?

“Rushing into action, you fail. Trying to grasp things, you lose them. Forcing a project to completion, you ruin what was almost ripe. Therefore the Master takes action by letting things take their course. He remains as calm at the end as at the beginning. He has nothing, thus has nothing to lose.”~Tao Te Ching #64

Today, I look forward to the next phone call, the next session, the next contact with other people, the next exploration of truth.

I look forward to my mind having a few pissy thoughts about All This….if it does.

Love, Grace

Learn About Teleclasses Here

Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29-May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.