Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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Fat Thinking Creates Misery

I was looking at someone close to me during a class. He was looking forward at the teacher who was lecturing. I was staring with fascination at the belt around his waste which looked squeezed, with his shirt tightening with strain on either side of his stomach.

I had the thought that his stomach was too fat. Or his shirt was too small. And that he should un-tuck his shirt.

And then the thought that I shouldn’t be so rude as to think that thought.

In the current new Eating Peace class, we’ve taken a good look at our bodies by looking in the mirror.

And then there are Other Bodies, too.

Those bodies, the ones that look like THAT (fill in your own image) are beautiful, perfect, exciting, interesting, or attractive.

These other bodies, the ones that look NOT so perfect (fill in your other images like the one I had in my mind) are anywhere from slightly unappealing to repulsive.

Lumpy/Smooth, Thick/Narrow, Tight/Loose, Saggy/Firm, Wrinkled/Flat, Fat/Thin.

Even when I was a teenager, I would have not only the thought that something was ugly on a body…but also that I was stupid to be thinking that it was ugly.

I should control my judgmental thoughts about those other peoples’ bodies! And while we’re at it, I should also love my own body!

Major Dismal Failure at NOT judging.

So there I was, a teenager, seeing the world and it was jam-packed with images of other bodies.

It was so quick, I could easily tell you what was beautiful and ugly in one-half of a second.

I KNEW UGLY AND I KNEW ATTRACTIVE.

I was learning, or had learned, VERY quickly, very young. As soon as I could hear what adults were saying around me. As soon as I could see what people were drawn to, and how they behaved, and who they rejected or praised.

It was in the movies and on TV.

I KNEW already at the age of 8 that when I sat on a table one day, and my thighs spread out in a squished way with my legs hanging over the edge of the desk.

I was shocked at the time.

“I have fat thighs?! I did not realize this! Terrible! They are ugly!”

“100 percent of your misery is brought on by your dishonest, unconscious thinking. That’s what a lie feels like….if you think you’re too fat, it’s not about your body, it’s about your mind. It’s about imagination running wild…The mind doesn’t have the question IS IT TRUE? to stop it, so that it can reconsider, so that it can bring itself to sanity. Sanity is a word I equate with love, with intelligence and maturity. An immature mind, is a mind that hates itself.” ~Byron Katie

I’ve had the thought that someone was too fat. That person should lose weight. They should exercise. Something is wrong with how they are taking in food.

Plus, another person I love I thought of as waaaaaaaay too focused on the body (and it wasn’t me).

She should get off this whole get-the-body-perfect thing. What a waste of energy, time, resources, focus! Jeez!

Can you call up an image of someone you know who is “fat” and who you think shouldn’t be?

Let’s do The Work.

Is it true that they would be better off thinner? Is it true they are actually FAT?

Is it true that they represent everything that fatness means?

Undisciplined, lazy, unhealthy, scared, angry, pudgy, needy, unhappy, self-centered, or don’t love themselves?

Are they really unattractive? Do people reject them, are they lonely? Are they less than spiritual, or unconscious?

Really?

No. It’s actually not true. At all.

What is really the problem with anyone in this world being fat?

I’ve noticed that the world, the universe, Reality actually contains bodies which are of all different qualities. The variety is enormous, in fact, and actually infinite.

I notice that without the thought that anyone’s Body should be different than the way it actually appears in this moment, then the creativity and variety is magnificent.

All these bodies everywhere being themselves….

Could it be that any way a body appears here, now, is just right?

 

See how amazing it feels to be with this thought.

Back (once again) to leaving everything alone.

What was too fat, was my thinking. When I think someone else is too fat, or anything about me is too fat…..my thinking is slow, full, repetitive, thick, heavy, extra, big, dark, overflowing, wide, depressing.

Fortunately, my thinking is not ME.

Just like my body isn’t ME.

“God, or your essential nature, is not Something. Not Content. Not Form. The best description with words is to say what it is NOT….It can be known in the silent space of stillness which is in everyone…”~ Eckhart Tolle 

What if you walked around today, or sat around, or maybe the body you appear to have is lying around…what if you were here and entirely and completely without the thought that what your body looks like or represents IS you?

What if you are much more than that. Or not even that, at all.

Love, Grace

P.S. The Horrible Food Wonderful Food weekend is approaching in April 4-6, Friday evening through Sunday 5 pm. We’ll be looking at what we think about our bodies. Reply back if you’re interested and I’ll keep you up to date.

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Big Ego Gets Spit Out Of The Universe

I was sitting cross-legged on a brown carpeted floor in a large circle of people. We were in an enormous log cabin far up a winding dirt road in the mountains, thick green forest outside, cool scented summer air coming in through the big screened windows.

Each person was sharing the answer to three questions.

What’s your name? Where did you spend a lot of time growing up? Who haven’t you forgiven? 

One of the workshop leaders had explained that you haven’t forgiven someone if you feel resentful, furious, critical or irritated in the presence of someone….or even just thinking about them.

As people shared, one by one, my turn to go grew closer and closer. My heart was starting to beat a little faster.

I was nervous about sharing, period.

Everyone stares at you! They make judgments! I could say something stupid! And by the way, I can’t answer that question about who I haven’t forgiven….because I’m irritated with EVERYONE! I’m too angry, judgmental and critical myself! 

But here I was. I had signed up for this for three whole days to learn about anger, resentment and speaking one’s truth…..or something like that. I was only 24.

So far, 45 minutes had gone by.  

Fortunately for me, somewhere along the road I recognized that the one who thinks she is important, unique, independent, an individual personality…..is not exactly any of those things.

One of my deepest underlying beliefs back then: I have a problem. I must fix it. I must change myself. This will perhaps help other people around me to change. It has to get better.

Is it true, that I need to fix something? Something about me, something about you?

I need things to change…is that absolutely true?

Of course! That’s why I’m on this stupid retreat!

How do I react, though, when I believe these thoughts that I need change….yesterday?

I gather information, I make plans, I get an agenda, I wonder about myself, and others.

There’s an energy of push, forcing, lazer-beam direction. I get pictures of the future better-looking world.

I’m against stuff. Even my own thinking.

Especially my own thinking. 

So who would I be if I couldn’t have the thoughts that there is a problem around here, things need to be corrected, I have to do something, and that I should fix my own mind?

Who would I without the thought that I really should be more forgiving, or forgive anyone, or be a “better” person and that I better get on that right away?

Weird. I’m used to trying to fix myself. So much to fix, so little time…..right? So many self-improvement course, techniques, workshops, trainings.

“Only a huge ego could say that you’re supposed to be doing something that you’re not doing. If it’s required, just start moving toward it–get the job done. And if you can’t get the job done, it’s because it’s not required. It’s your attempt to mess up the universe, and the universe won’t have it. It would prefer perfection. It does its job. The universe does what’s required. It spits you out–have you noticed?” ~ Byron Katie

I’m raising my hand here! I’ve noticed!

When I argue with what is happening, with another person’s behavior, with my own thoughts, with my own agenda, even about whether or not I should be forgiving….it really doesn’t feel good. Or true.

Turning the thoughts around….

….I do not have a problem. It is not necessary for ME to fix this. I must not try to change myself. No one around me needs to change. It will never get better.

Suddenly laughter wells up. This is not up to me. I am not the boss of How Things Unfold.  

As people share in the circle on the retreat, everyone begins to look so sweet, thoughtful, pensive. Everyone is so sincere.

Coming all this way to spend some time with others, enter the unknown, listen, experience something different.

I suddenly want to hug everyone. Even if I’ve never met any one of them before. I feel joy with this place.

Why, I could probably call up my old ex-boyfriend right now, or my mean old grandpa, or that infuriating 4th grade teacher, and tell them “I love you!”

Wow, I can even see the advantages in those people chewing me up and spitting me out.

I’m not sure I can thank them for it…but I can so see how it’s helped me become so deeply powerful (in a good way) with my own rooted capacity to love unconditionally.

Like a light beam planted deep in the earth, never to be moved.

Oh. Forgiveness. I think I’m getting it.  

“By watching your mind, you will notice that it is in the process of trying to make everything okay. Consciously remember that this is not what you want to do, and then gently disengage. Do not fight it. Do not ever fight your mind. You will never win.” ~ Michael Singer  

I hope this retreat never ends.

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Heaven Is Putting Your Separateness On Hold

Almost nine years ago, I signed up for the School for The Work of Byron Katie.

Little did I know what a crazy, joyful, astonishing adventure it would be to begin to question what I was thinking.

You mean, I don’t have to believe that everything that runs through my head is true?

All the scary stuff about other people, having big emotions like terror or rage, living successfully, failing, being safe, telling the truth, getting sick or hurt, engaging in addictive behavior, pursuing the meaning of life, or contemplating death itself?

That’s a lot of thinking, over a lot of years. Always in the background.

What’s All This about? What’s going on around Here on planet Earth?

After I left the School which lasted nine days, I knew what to do when I had a feeling of anxiety, worry, sadness, irritation or emotional reaction that didn’t feel good.

Or even curiosity, resistance, confusion.

I knew I could identify what it was I thought in that moment, and spend some time with it to see if it was really true.

I thought “why would I need a facilitator? It’s four simple questions and then finding turnarounds. I can do this with one hand tied behind my back!”

My life continued along, and the thing is….it got a little fast-paced.

Movement was happening. I was faced with divorce, moments of unrest with my kids, money worries, cancer.

It’s not always natural or easy (so it seems) to stop, do a little writing, and take a moment to understand what it is that’s going on in your mind like its your best friend and you have all the time in the world for examining your thoughts.

Your mind does not always feel exactly like a Best Friend, if you know what I mean.

Plus, the mind is faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and definitely able to leap tall buildings or even whole countries in a single bound.

(If you’re not so sure about that, quick right now, think about France…now think about Africa….see what I mean?)

As the weeks went by following my 9 day immersion in The Work with Byron Katie herself, I noticed every so often that I hadn’t actually sat down and done The Work for a few days.

Then a few more days.

Then a couple of weeks.

I’m doing The Work in my head in the car! Isn’t that good enough? 

But I’d get interrupted. I’d forget where I was. I’d get lost.

Then…I decided I needed a companion. I needed a friend, a co-facilitator, I needed to anchor this practice into time so that it actually happened.

Because every single time I did it from start to finish, with someone else, or with a small group, there was always a magnificent discovery.

Like I was able to have a genuine, honest conversation with my own mind, after enlisting support.

Gosh. With other people facilitating me, and time set on the calendar…shared investigation, depth, authentic connection.

Up to me on my own with Me, Myself and I running the show, the short-cut version, kind of like fake sugar. Not quite right.

The way things were going all on my own wasn’t exactly reliable.

I knew I didn’t want to mess around.  This was my life. My world was changing.

In some ways, it was falling apart completely.

Everything I had previously thought of as true was up for grabs.

I got a facilitator. Best move I could have made.  Because when I felt just a wee bit better emotionally, in control, relaxed, like “OK, I got it! I’m good!” I would have the urge to take that idea seriously.

But I didn’t.

Thank you for sharing, oh mind that thinks it can do everything by itself thank you very much. I love that you’re so independent and brilliant (which it is, actually).

However, the results are that on my own it kind of looked like the tasmanian devil approach, with slight moments of exhaustion and re-grouping in between.

I wanted peace.

Of course, the great paradox is that everyone must find their own answers….they are actually already there, in the silence within all of us, ready to blossom.

But if like me you find that you just don’t find the time, commitment, clarity or depth on your own at first…you may love signing up for a class with others, or putting yourself in a retreat or structured program, or scheduling time with a facilitator.

It doesn’t have to be anything that costs money, you can call the Help Line on thework.com or you can get a partner to trade sessions with.

I continue to value the peeps I gather with as my stepping stones to true peace.

Just like when I first went to 12 Step Meetings so long ago at age 19. On my own, things weren’t going so well.

In a group….better.

It doesn’t matter if the people you encounter are your new best friends. The group is for you to show up into. It brings a stable structure that you don’t have to question.

You’re just there, scheduling it is handled.

“Mind’s job is to be right, and it can justify itself faster than the speed of light. Stop the portion of your thinking that is the source of your fear, anger, sadness, or resentment by transferring it to paper. Once the mind is stopped on paper, it’s much easier to investigate. Eventually The Work begins to undo you automatically without writing.” ~ Byron Katie 

If you notice that like me, you kinda want the speed-dating, speed-skating, speed-racer path to enlightenment…. ….then you may enjoy entering the Year of Inquiry (YOI) for the Addictive Mind program.

A WHOLE YEAR?!?!

Yes.

Invented for the more brilliant, quick, distracted minds that may find great serenity in having a set time 3 times per month for 90 minutes with others to investigate your deepest judgments, your stressful thinking, your assumptions, your troubling ideas.

We do it on the phone, so you can be anywhere.

Even your car.

And of course, no one needs to do YOI. You can do a shorter class (the one on Parenting starts soon!) or set up a trade with someone in your life.

If I could do it, you can too!

If this was your last year in this lifetime…would you want to be with others in this deeply intimate way?

Would you want to rest in knowing you had the time and space to dial-in, literally, to inquiry?

I would.

Heaven in YOI“I love that I have to EXPERIENCE the Work, have to DO it, to be IN it.  And when I do The Work – surprise! – I am letting go into the moment. I’ve been at it for a few years now, here and there, sometimes frequently/intensely, sometimes not for weeks or even months.  And here we are in this terrific group.  Heaven.” ~ YOI participant

Come join us in un-believing and un-doing your painful thoughts. Losing your world could be a good thing….and you can get support while doing it.

It’s why meditation retreats, groups, classes, communities exist.

Because other people ARE you, of course.  “

Everyone is a mirror image of yourself-your own thinking coming back to you.” ~ Byron Katie  

Reply to this email if you’re ready to sign up for YOI or another class. Let me know how I can be of service to you.  My sincere commitment is joining with others in our true freedom.

As the wise and loving teacher Adya says about signing up for meditation retreats or classes:
“….They are an opportunity to put your separateness on hold and discover the liberating truth of what you are…” ~ Adyashanti  

Love, Grace

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Eeeek I Need To Ask For Help

I was talking with my mom on the phone. I called her because I had the pool schedule, and she had offered to take me swimming again.

I had discovered a rehabilitation warm-water pool about 30 minutes away from my home…perfect for me and my stiff, hurting body after lying in bed for 3 weeks after my leg surgery.

My mom had picked me up and taken me and gotten in the pool with me, following me with my crutches and helping me get dressed in the locker room.

I couldn’t lean over to pick up anything, or reach my right foot.

She had to put on my sock and tie my shoe, like when I was four.

Now we were talking on the phone and I was excitedly telling her about when we could go again.

But I heard a hesitation in her voice.

“The chlorine kind of bothers me. I’m not sure I’ll be able to stick with this. I’m wondering if you have any other options for people who could drive you?”

Oh.

Rats.

A feeling of embarrassment came up through me. I had the thought that while I had enjoyed myself, she had not.

The thing is, people often want to help you when you have an accident, or you’re sick, or you have a very rough experience–maybe a devastating loss, an abrupt change, a shocking diagnosis.

But sometimes….the help can feel uncomfortable.

Like, you’re weighing and measuring how much help is OK, whether or not you should really ask for All That, and if the person who is offering help really means it.

It’s a strange doubt that enters.

The one where even though someone is saying “please tell me what I can do to help” but you think “they will think I’m a pain in the ass if I tell them what they could really do to help”.

Discomfort can even overcome us when we need to ask directions, or for the bathroom key, or for a different meal, or for the late fee to be removed.

These kinds of stressful thoughts are cloudy, confusing, worrisome, and anxiety-producing.

Is that person pleased or repulsed by my need for help?

Let’s take a look and see what could be going on when you’re in need of something, but you’re afraid to ask…or you’ve asked, and the answer appears to be “no”.

  • She doesn’t like me
  • He’s just too busy–other things are more important
  • She’ll feel obligated
  • He’ll do it, be secretly resentful and I’ll pay for it later
  • He’ll think I owe him
  • They’ll think something’s wrong with me
  • They’ll feel uncomfortable about saying no, even though they want to

Is it true that someone might feel obliged, resentful, owed if they help you?

Yes! They might not feel comfortable saying no, and then feel stuck and like they should help.

It could come between us. They might avoid me.

Even if they are a stranger, they might feel all twisted up inside and want to run for the hills because they don’t even like being asked.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that all these possibilities are to be avoided, that they are dangerous outcomes? Can I absolutely know that if someone says “no” that they don’t like me anymore?

No.

How do I react when I believe that I shouldn’t impose, shouldn’t ask for too much help, should do things by myself, or that it’s much better to be entirely independent and need nothing?

How do I react when I believe that people don’t tell the truth, feel stuck, or feel like they are owed something for helping?

I NEVER ask anyone for anything! If I really need something, I agonize about who, when, where and how to ask. I do everything I can to get what I need without putting anyone out.

Phew, it’s a lot of work being in other peoples’ business!

Who would I be without the thought that receiving a “no” is bad, for any reason? Without the thought that someone saying “no” means something about me?

Can you imagine having a “no” be just as fabulous as a “yes”?

How exciting!

Without that thought, everything feels easy, fun, full of humor. Not serious, grave and heavy.

Without the thought….absolute freedom to ask, to hear the answer, to confirm, to have conversations about what works and what doesn’t.

Turning the thoughts around: she still loves me, he may be too busy and that’s fine (it doesn’t mean I’m not important), people will or won’t feel obliged and it doesn’t really matter, he’ll tell the truth honestly with a “yes” or “no”, they’ll think something’s right with me for asking, it’s not my business if they feel uncomfortable saying “no”.

The only thing I am responsible for is asking for what I want, hearing the answer, moving on.

That’s it.

So simple.

Nothing personal. 

“I trust everyone. I trust them to do what they do, and I’m never disappointed. And since I trust people, I know to let them find their own way. The wonderful thing about inquiry is that there’s no one to guide you but you. There’s no guru, no teacher who, in her great wisdom, shows you the answers. Only your own answers can help you. You yourself are the way and the truth and they life, and when you realize this, the world become very kind.” ~ Byron Katie 

I find my own “yes” and “no” and so does everyone else. What they want is kind, for me. Every request and every answer is felt with trust and respect…no fear of the truth, no personal meaning.

Who would you be without the story that asking for help, and any answer you receive, is dangerous, or any kind of a problem, whatsoever?

Love, Grace

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How To Get The To-Do List All Done

The word “whelm” comes from an old English term that meant to overturn a vessel. Totally submerged, turned upside down, drowning, helpless.

Today, I glanced at the clock knowing I had exactly two hours to respond to a bunch of emails, write for 50 minutes on my book proposal (at least that’s my little plan), take a shower, finish my taxes, work with a client, write this blog, fix something on my website, watch a training video, and make a green smoothie.

If I really did all of that, it would take five hours. Depending on the speed needed for the email replies.

The mind kicks in…what can I cut?

Not enough time! Not enough time! Not enough time!

And then there’s a few more personal messages I would actually like to respond to but naturally, not enough time for those, either.

When time appears to be limited, with more things to do in it than what allows….a strange dynamic gets built that believes in TIME and that MORE of it will resolve this state of un-done-ness.

Yesterday, I unexpectedly devoted a lot of time to my wonderful son who is 19. He needed fairly quick medical attention and we had to see an ear, nose and throat surgeon/specialist.

After a fascinating two-hour visit (I got to see a film of his inner ear on a big screen and a bunch of weird stuff inside it) and a procedure, the next step was driving son back to college. Ninety minutes away.

3.5 more hours for me out of my “schedule”.

Now, because I love caring for my kid and have zero trouble with whatever needs to happen there, the whole afternoon and evening I did not consider a waste of time, and I loved spending time with him….

….but I had the thought this morning that I don’t have enough of it to allow for surprises, changes, hitches, cancellations.

Then, in comes the itchy little thoughts. I need more time, and for these reasons (x, y, and z) I am getting held back. I should cancel my dinner date tonight. I should skip my own physical therapy appointment later.

Uh oh. Overwhelm is descending. The boat is getting turned over.

Ahhh….must inquire.

What do I actually need more time for?

Creativity, building and making everything I’m thinking into a reality, connection, success!

And what do I need creativity for? What would I have, if I had my creations manifested into reality? What would it mean if I emailed back, traded communications with people? What would I have if I had success?

I’d feel Happy! Powerful! In Service! Mighty! Joyful! Rooted!

Quite remarkable what I think more time would give me…like it’s an obvious stepping stone to feeling strength, happiness, and joy.

Woah.

If I just had more time, I wouldn’t feel so incomplete, unfinished, unstable, small, limited, insecure, unsafe……

I suddenly picture I’m at the end of my life, still with the thought.

Please….just a little bit more time? God? Source? Reality? Universe?

Like I’m asking something Out There.

More. Now. I personally need it.

I see how I am when my convinced mind that believes that More Time would offer greater happiness.

I get all worked up internally, going fast, speedy. I feel an adrenaline rush. I don’t go to the bathroom until I’m bursting. I don’t ever pick up the phone when it rings. I feel irritable with interruptions.

I think about canceling things I love to do most.

Like I’m running a race and I’ll wait til it’s over before I slow down, or take care of basic needs, or simply enjoy myself, or pay attention to anything except the finish line.

So who would I be without the thought that I need more time and there’s not enough of it right now?

Writing this Grace Note. Taking a long, deep breath.

Without the thought that anything is actually un-done?

An even deeper breath.

Everything good the way it is. Everything brilliant the way it is. I stop and look around the room, hearing the air of the heater, listening to the mail truck drop off mail, feeling my sweater on my arms, relaxing.

Turning the thought around: Everything is completely and entirely Done right now, in this moment, as much as it needs to be for my happiness….I do not need More Time. 

“As soon as your idea of enlightenment becomes time-bound, it’s always about the next moment. You may have a deep spiritual experience and then ask, ‘How long will I sustain this experience?’ As long as you insist on the question, you remain time-bound. If you are still interested in time and the spiritual accumulations you can have in time, you will get a time-bound experience. The mind is acting as if what you are looking for isn’t already present right now….So you miss what’s actually here.” ~ Adyashanti

Here now is a beautiful silver laptop, and a full spectacular mind thinking many thoughts, words spilling out onto the screen, images of meeting a very close friend for dinner later, feeling the joy of creativity in this moment, feeling in service, noticing how very safe I am, connected to the flow of life…

….joyfully unfinished, not done.

No submerged boat. Not whelmed. Not underwater, not drowning.

FLOATING, face up to the gorgeous sky, feeling everything.

Could it be TRUER right now that I am complete, finished, stable, expansive, unlimited, secure, safe……OR happily incomplete, unfinished and never actually DONE?

Into my mind comes the picture of butterfly eggs, caviar, dandelion seeds….the burst of multiple millions of something in nature but only a few actually become fertilized.

The eggs that aren’t fertilized aren’t screaming for more time.

Maybe thoughts and to-do lists are like that, too.

So you just pick the ones you feel joy about getting born, and move into the activity of completing those (or not) and notice what is here, now.

Nothing more is required.  Nothing.

“Nothing comes ahead of its time.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

 

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Watching Football For No Reason

Normally on Sunday afternoons I start my Grace Note for Monday morning.
But yesterday offered an unusual opportunity: watching football (the American kind).
Now, I must confess, I haven’t watched football in a few years. I don’t even know all the rules.
But it was such a sweet adventure.
I had printed out a google map of the location where I was invited along with my husband. My son arrived home unexpectedly for the weekend from college, so he joined us.
Our destination?
The home of someone I knew in high school who I had not seen in about 30 years.
The map showed that we would be traveling for 40 minutes and into a slightly unfamiliar neighborhood. There would be other high school friends there, too, who I also hadn’t seen since 1979.
Now that’s what I call an adventure.
Paths not crossed, yet lives being lived, the business of being human, growing, expanding, becoming aware….how had it played out for these friends?
And these were the football guys from HS. I mean, the popular team players. The guys ON the football team.
Well….they were all totally welcoming, kind and fun. Long stories were not necessary, details were not exchanged like “what do you do, where do you work, how long have you been married, how many kids do you have.”
There was a game to watch!
It reminded me that people connect, then separate, then connect again….like dancing.
I’m in a car driving to another nearby town, then I’m in someone’s new kitchen circled with others holding hands hearing a blessing of the food and people gathered, then meeting new people and eating guacamole and chips, then high-fiving people in a room, curious, delighted, in the now, sharing.
Yesterday, there was a thought of wondering why I am called to drive 40 minutes in what turned out to be heavy traffic for part of the way, in order to watch something that could be watched at home….
…but then the thought “who would I be without the thought that there has to be a reason?”
Who would you be without the thought that you should know why you are going here or there, or that there must be a clear goal, or a purpose, for what you do?
Without the thought that you need a good logical reason to be drawn over there, or that you should avoid long travel, or that it is hard or arduous.
Once at an Adyashanti retreat, there was a woman who stood up to share on the very last day at the last hour of a one-week retreat in California at a meditation retreat conference center.
She said that very recently she had been searching for something on the internet, not even sure what….and came across Adya’s website and began reading.
She then knew she had to come meet him.
She puzzled about it. Because she lived in Australia. And she wasn’t a meditation retreat type person. She smoked cigarettes and ate meat and had no personal spiritual practice.
But she got on an airplane and showed up at the retreat a week later.
I don’t remember what she looked like, but I felt her braveness and her clarity. There was no “should” about being there. She was so honest about feeling like she didn’t fit in.
Adya said “Oh! It was you who was smoking! I loved that, it reminded me of my grandpa.”
Who would we be without the story that it’s easier or safer to stay home, or that we should know why we’re called here or there, or that we don’t fit in?
Even in the smallest ways…like showing up to gather with friends just because that’s the next thing to do, with joy, even if we have no idea what’s going on in football.
“Being and non-being create each other. Difficult and easy support each other. Long and short define each other. High and low depend on each other. Before and after follow each other.” ~ Tao Te Ching #2
Turning the thoughts around and letting them come alive and living them out: I don’t have to know the purpose, I follow the joy, I say yes, I say no…I relax into the way of it…there doesn’t have to be a reason, I’m not running things here.
The adventure of a lifetime!
“If you put your hand into a fire, does anyone have to tell you to move it? Do you have to decide? No: When your hand starts to burn, it moves. You don’t have to direct it; the hand moves itself. In the same way, once you understand, through inquiry, that an untrue thought causes suffering, you move away from it.” ~ Byron Katie 
Same with moving towards something you love, what brings joy, honesty, connection, play, lightness.
For no reason, you know to do it. 
Love, Grace
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Join Others And Let The Tao Sing In Your Life

The mini retreat is now closed for tomorrow. An employer decided to pay for all her employees to take the retreat together so we’re doing it separately with only their company.

If you had a little spark of thinking about coming…the March 8th and May 3 will be the next open Saturday afternoons of The Work in Seatown (that’s fondly for Seattle).

Whether you’re experienced or not, everyone will be welcome.

Getting together with others is not always an easy choice.

If you’re particularly introverted like me (I come out very extreme every single time I’ve taken the Meyers-Briggs test, toward the Introverted side of the scale) then your first thought about joining a group of any kind may be like mine.

Isn’t there a book somewhere on this topic? That I could read BY MYSELF? Do I have to get together with other people?

Heck, even someone on the Extraverted side of the scale might have reservations.

(As if these “scales” actually exist, but for the sake of the discussion, I will continue).

Admit it! Other people can be annoying! Or scary!

Many years ago when I had a wonderful mentor/therapist, I told her that I was invited to a party the coming weekend.

“Oh?” she replied, “How will that be for you if you don’t drink alcohol and don’t overeat any food?”

Gulp.

I told her I would have anxiety just walking into the house!

She said “Oh, I’ve had the same feeling. But remember the other people there are Human Beings. You can stand next to someone and actually say ‘I’m a little nervous about being here’. Have a real conversation.”

Wow, a real honest conversation?

What would be the worst that could happen, if you joined a workshop, event, class, group, retreat, party, gathering, trip……..with other humans?

Let’s go ahead and see what some of the stressful thoughts are:

  • someone might dominate the entire group, the conversation, or every activity with their talking on and on
  • there might be someone rude or scary present
  • I might have to talk, expose myself and have everyone hear me, or stare at me….they might think I’m an idiot
  • I could appear foolish, naive, immature, selfish, bossy, or any other quality where people won’t like me
  • someone might start crying, sobbing, freaking out, yelling, or getting really emotional….and that would make me nervous
  • somebody might be needy and start asking for attention from me or others, I might feel compelled to help them and not get what I need

Oh boy. Lots of potential dangers. It’s a jungle out there.

And I’m not kidding!

Let’s say you like the idea of learning meditation, or going to AA, or taking an art class, or going to school, or attending a party, or taking a workshop…….but you hesitate.

Is it true that there could be someone else who dominates, controls….or someone needy and desperate…either of whom might “take over” the group focus?

Is it true that when I reveal my inner world, someone might be disgusted or appalled?

Well, YEAH! I’ve been in these situations before! Very uncomfortable! I wanted to get OUTTA THERE!

But are you absolutely sure you couldn’t get what you needed? Are you positive that when people judged you, that was terrible?

Are you certain that the person who stirred things up was someone you need to run from?

No.

How do you react when you believe the thought that Other People’s needs or behavior can conflict with your own?

That you might have to “deal” with tough people and it will be hard?Oh man.

I avoid groups. I keep a low profile. I don’t sign up for that many group-ish things. I run to my car when an event is over. I don’t ask friends to go with me. I put up a shield against whoever I think of as “trouble”.

And who would I be if I didn’t even have these kinds of thoughts?

If I noticed what I enjoy, and the topics I want to learn more about, and the attraction I have towards classes or workshops…. ….and I simply follow my preferences?

Who would I be without the thought that something bad might happen with a person there? Or that IF someone were difficult that’s the last thing I want?

Woah.

Without the thought that people could make me feel uncomfortable? Without the thought that something might be awkward?

I’d be excited. I’d be ready for anything. I’d say “bring it on” and join with others all the time.

I’d come and go and leave and stay with a deep freedom, something solid, no hesitation, no worries about what should or should not happen.

Without the thought that feeling uncomfortable is something to be avoided…I’d join. I’d walk through the door. I’d sign up.

Someone difficult would be the FIRST thing I’d want.

Turning the thoughts around:

  • someone might serve the entire group, the conversation, or every activity with their talking
  • there might be someone kind or very loving present
  • I might have to talk, expose myself and have everyone hear me, or stare at me….they might think I’m normal, and awesome
  • I could appear foolish, naive, immature, selfish, bossy, or willing, honest, mature, selfless, humble…and people will think whatever they think
  • someone might start crying, sobbing, freaking out, yelling, or getting really emotional and that would make me excited
  • somebody might be needy and start asking for attention from me or others, and I might get exactly what I need by whatever happens next

When every single danger could be an opportunity it’s an adventure to join with Other People.

When every exchange, lesson or activity that is presented in a group creates potential for enlightenment of my own thinking…

…I go.

Almost everything of deep value, I notice, I’ve learned by someone or something bringing it to me. I am presented it by reality, in the form of these Other People.

By looking and being with them, I am with myself.

“Let the Tao become present in your life and you will become genuine. Let it be present in your family and your family will flourish. Let it be present in your country and your country will be an example to all the countries in the world. Let it be present in the universe and the universe will sing.” ~ Tao Teo Ching #54

This universe that I let the Tao be present in includes people and all their reactions, forms, words, behaviors, dominance, neediness…whatever form they/it takes.

Oh boy, can’t wait to show up in whatever group thing is going on next.

I’ve always enjoyed being in the background, sitting in a cafe, watching people. But now, when I sit in a cafe, sometimes people watch me. It’s a challenge. But it’s usually people who want to say ‘your book transformed my life’, or something… so then I’m joyful. One moment before, I didn’t want them to recognise me, but when they do, I’m glad. ~ Eckhart Tolle

Even if you’re very shy…or maybe BECAUSE you are very shy…you may find great joy and just the right amount of contact in the upcoming Year of Inquiry.

It’s filling up. With your peeps.

Come experience the challenge and joy of inquiry with others, even if you’re shy.

(Monthly payment plans available, we meet on Fridays for a year, 3 times per month on telephone). Write me with questions grace@workwithgrace.com.

Connections of a Lifetime in YOI (Year of Inquiry)
It is really valuable to make the personal connections/friendships that we are forming in the group. They are those lifetime, special connection, we were in it together, kinda friendships. And, like The School, it’s basis is life-giving, healing, transcending. So the friendship level is a very high vibration. Like we support each other in being the best we can be, which for me means the most peaceful/loving we can be, (rather than the most successful in society’s eyes we can be.) It reminds me of the bonds/friendships I formed in seminary.~ YOI participant, Oregon  

We start March 7th.

Love, Grace

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Escape Route To The Present

I can walk, I can walk!

Isn’t it funny to become excited about returning to your previously “normal” experience (in my case, having the use of my right leg as a regular working leg)?

The most intense part of the ordeal is over, apparently, in my journey to healing.

Although, I can probably testify that my right leg and hamstring will never be the same again. There’s a big scar, and permanent titanium pins embedded in my right pelvic bone.

But this body, and all its functions…what an incredible entity for receiving our judgments.

Often the mind runs rampant with its opinion about what should or should not be happening:

It should go faster, stop hurting, be smaller, grow taller, return to normal, heal, be younger, have no wrinkles, feel juicier, feel stronger, be softer, flatter, smoother, lighter, heavier. 

It’s sort of an incessant commentary.

In the Eating Peace group, we’re looking at the body, and zoning in on judgments about what is ugly or repulsive.

Too fat.

But what does that actually mean? In the past, I knew something was off about the whole fat/thin, old/young, abled/disabled assessments…but it seemed the only way to oppose all that was to think about something else, or apply affirmations.

Until I found The Work I didn’t even know how to examine this torturous belief-system in detail.

Is it true that your body is too fat, or that part of the body?

Is it true that any part you’re fighting with should be different than it is?

Well, duh. Of course it should different…look at that extra roll around the middle! Yuck!

Are you sure it shouldn’t be the way it is? Are you sure it’s too fat?

Even if you still say “yes”….because it seems like a dumb question…see if you can actually ask and answer.

Because when I stopped to answer, I couldn’t know for sure, not absolutely, that the part of my body I was looking at was ugly.

Scar tissue, atrophied thigh, sagging skin.

Ugly? Even if I were from another planet and had no reference for this belief system?

No.

Who would I be without the thought that something’s wrong here with the body?

Some people think at this point that they’d go off their rocker, become wildly obese, never work out again, stuff themselves silly every day, stop all physical movement, if they didn’t have the idea that something was wrong.

Can you be sure of that? Are you sure you have to hate it and think it’s ugly to get motivated?

Turning the thoughts around: this body should be exactly as it is, in exactly this state at this time.

How could that be truer? How could I be soft, gentle, kind and accepting with this body, here, now?

Which way would feel better….saying “this body sucks” or “this body rocks the house”?

Which way do you think you’d lose weight, feel less pain, relax with the illness you have, recover from an injury?

“Relying on thought has been our escape route. The only instruction we need to follow from the mind is ‘rest in presence’. This one instruction changes everything.” ~ Scott Kiloby

Dropping all ideas about right and wrong with the body, what is or is not true, what I deem ugly or unacceptable, I feel freer, full of wonder. Curious, present.

What if the next time you feel overwhelmed with self-criticism about your body, or despair, or you feel craving and hunger, or a pull towards a substance that doesn’t end up well….you just sat there.

And did nothing.

What if the easiest way really is….the easiest way.

Love, Grace

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Best. Relationship. Ever.

The other day, a new friend shared with me that a relationship expert and mentor she very much appreciates told her if you feel attraction to anyone over a six on the richter scale….

….run the other way, fast.

In other words, if you’re getting thrown off kilter, toppled over, if the ground is moving….DANGER DANGER! 

It made me laugh.

I’ve had a couple of those off-the-charts explosive attractions.

Of course, when I look back, they were big invitations for expressing true love….and I didn’t always do that.

Let me explain.

I totally get why a relationship expert would joke that runningaway if you feel Big Crazy Love might offer a better outcome than running toward.

Thank goodness for the Tuesday Year of Inquiry group this past week. We’ve been looking at attraction, sexuality, dating, romance for the past month…

…and the power of the group connecting together to hear each other’s thoughts and work in inquiry together was soooo valuable.

I’ve had this feeling about intense feelings not only with romantic flares, but others as well.

People in our YOI could relate.

That person should settle down, not move so quick, relax, quit acting so excited, stop being so intense, stop pushing, asking, inviting, showing up, calling, emailing, texting, pestering, returning. Get a grip!

It’s too much! They should back off!

Many years ago when I was in my twenties I was in an office building at the end of the day. It was 5 pm and pitch dark. A north American winter.

I had just been getting to know a man I met in an improv theater class. We had gone out to dinner and had a great conversation for hours.

Leaving my job, I got a phone call from him at my desk.

I had told him where I worked but never given him the number. He had looked up the organization in the phone book, called the main reception, and tracked me down.

I laughed and said “no problem” but I had just a wee bit of a weird feeling, or a question, or a slight spark of alertness.

I ignored it.

The building emptied out, people waving goodbye to me as they passed my door, and soon I was the only person left.

I continued on the phone with my new friend, flirting, joking around, but then he said “Hey, I just got to your work, I’m parked out front.”

Uh. Too much. Too fast. Too intense. Not invited.

Fear raced through my veins.

I said I wasn’t done working, which was actually true, but I normally wouldn’t have stayed at my office to finish my tasks that day, I would have taken them home.

After some light conversation, he told me he was leaving.

I stayed at my desk for 2 hours, until the janitor arrived. I was frightened.

Let’s see what it would be like if back then I had The Work.

Is it true that it’s too much and therefore he should back off?

Yes. Then I wouldn’t have to say anything, or notice how much I don’t like this.

I want him to change, I want him to chill.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that he should? Am I sure that he should be different, rather than me?

No. Rats. I thought it would be easier for the other person to change.

I don’t like where this is going.

How do I react when I believe I need to escape, it’s too much, I can’t handle it, they are too big, loud, noisy, overbearing, scary, intense…whatever that other person does TOO MUCH of?

I squirm. I get really frightened. I run. I avoid.

But who would I be without the thought that he was too forward, too pushy, too grabby, too full of assumptions, too…..too?

I love this question. So beautiful. So fun.

There that person is, being chaotic, busy, wild, excessive, extreme, surprising….and you do not have the thought that there’s no way to handle it but to run for the hills?

I’d feel clear, direct, focused, aware. I’d tell the truth.

I’m surprised you’re here. It feels strange to me. It’s odd that you tracked me down at work, I don’t want to talk with you while at my job. I can’t see you right now. I’m uncomfortable with what you’re doing. I’m not able to meet you. I hear you, and my answer is no. 

Even parents have trouble with their thoughts and a screaming child, along these lines.

Who would THEY be without the belief that it’s too much, too big, too loud for them to handle? That their kid is wrong for being the way they are being, and should stop, NOW?

“We perceive something as an enemy, when all we need to do is be present with it. It’s just love arising in a form that we haven’t understood yet…..Your enemy is the teacher who shows you what you haven’t healed yet….(and that doesn’t mean you have to invite them to dinner). No one can be my enemy until I perceive him as threatening what I believe.” ~ Byron Katie

I turn the thoughts around: they should be this way, they are not too much, I can say yes or no and be totally honest, I am receiving good information, there is no disappointment, upset, or defense needed.

I am safe, clear.

If that form is love arising then I am love arising too.

Complete freedom. No need to be against them. Honest expression. Truth.

I speak with strength from my heart, with love that is like a strong rod, rooted in the earth. I care for myself, I care for them.

“Negative feelings are in you, not in reality. Stop trying to change reality. That’s crazy! Stop trying to change the other person. We spend all our time and energy trying to change external circumstances, trying to change our spouses, our bosses, our friends, our enemies and everybody else. We don’t have to change anything. Negative feelings are in YOU.” ~ Anthony DeMello

Thank you Big Crazy Love for showing up. It showed me every time where I needed to be more real, gentle, expressive, kind…

….and to express my own big crazy love, not just for that other person, but most of all, for me. 

What would it be like if YOU were your number one biggest fan, and you held yourself, took care of yourself, loved and trusted yourself, did the kindest thing you could imagine for yourself, rescued yourself, in the presence of that tough person?

Best. Relationship. Ever.

With love, Grace

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Telling The Truth To Others Changes Everything

The Year of Inquiry (YOI!) circle begins 3/7/2014 and our in-person live group (optional) retreat in Seattle is only two months away. If you are seriously considering joining this fabulous one-year small group of inquirers, email me soon for a conversation: grace@workwithgrace.com.

A participant shared this with the YOI group, and I feel the same way:“I’d like to say how much I’m enjoying being a part of this group. I thank you all very much for coming together and making it possible. I thank me, too, for this gift to myself.” ~ YOI Circle Participant

Being connected to others in groups and at a deeply intimate level has offered me shifts in my life that have changed…..everything.

But being in a group can be uncomfortable! It can be really freaky scary!It might be boring, stupid, full of annoying people, or depressing!

The first time I went to a twelve step meeting, thirty years ago, I was so shocked that people spoke the way they were speaking. I was quite literally stunned.

I had no idea you could say out loud what was going on inside your mind and heart.

I had no idea you could actually tell the truth.
But I caught the bug of awareness about my own mind by hearing others talk about theirs.
A few years later, I joined a therapy group.
That scared me half to death. I was silent for six months before the therapist actually said “your silence is actually very controlling”.
OMG! Really? But I don’t want anyone, ever, to see anything wrong with ME!
Oh. Right.
When I first encountered The Work of Byron Katie, I felt a memory stir of how I felt when I started that group therapy in my twenties.
I wanted to clam up.
Thanks! Got it! I’ll just go away and handle this BY MYSELF!
See ya! I’m good!
OK then!
Yep, yessirree I’ve done a LOT of personal work so I’ll take it from here!
I wanted to burn my Judge Your Neighbor worksheets. I might even look over my shoulder while I wrote them just to make sure no one was coming.
Once, I even watched myself skip right over one of my sentences written down, one of my stressful concepts, as I read them all out loud to an actual facilitator (that I could hardly believe I had hired).
I couldn’t read that one. Then the facilitator will really hate me.
Maybe some judgments are acceptable, but not that one.
I’ll just work on that one later, by myself in my closet with a flashlight.
The truth is, when you work with a group of people, and get to know them and show up regularly, you have no way to manipulate, direct, appease, lighten, or control what anyone does, says, thinks or feels when you tell the absolute truth.

We may see parts of you that you normally keep hidden. You may not be able to keep that ugly stuff to yourself anymore.

“The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes.” ~ Pema Chodron
 

The thing is, you can only maneuver your life into being closed and careful for so long.At some point, for everyone, their interest in the truth and revealing themselves becomes more important than holding things together.

I find every time I join a collection of people with the intention to learn, grow, incorporate and understand….it’s thrilling. Our joining makes something wonderful happen.

But I’ve got a lot of practice now at self-disclosure. I know from experience that it works WAY better than puttin’ a lid on it.

I speak from careful testing.I would have LOVED to maintain a perfect image and never have to say the yucky stuff, the fears, the anger, the sadness.

But it was killing me not to.

Even if you’re super crazy shy, you know how great it feels to have one of those wonderful, close, connected, honest conversations.

Being with others in a deeply honest way may not only be good, it may change your entire life. Twelve step groups, support groups, one-on-one counseling, group therapy, retreats, prayer circles, study groups, people who do The Work of Byron Katie together.

We the people are somewhere you can reach us…whether on the phone, in your neighborhood, in your city.

You mean….I am going to reveal my stressful, weird, unpleasant, nasty, immature, pissy beliefs?

You mean I’m going to tell about my inadequacies, fears, and anger?

You mean I’m going to write what is inside my head? On paper (not in invisible ink)? And read what I write OUT LOUD?

Yes. You are. You know you want to!

You may feel sick for a little bit, but it rocks. The more I’ve done The Work….the easier its gotten to reveal my innermost crushing thoughts to other humans.

In fact, the cave is no longer dark and musty and smelly….the one filled with all those resistant beliefs.

It’s rather light and treasure-filled now.I see now that this comes from being totally and completely honest, noticing exactly where and what I wanted to hide, and uncovering it…all the way.

“Most people don’t get out of childhood, or adolescence, without being wounded for telling the truth. Someone says ‘you can’t say that’ or ‘you shouldn’t say that’ or ‘that wasn’t appropriate’ so most of us human beings have a very deep underlying conditioning that says that just to be who we are is not OK…….Most human beings have an imprinting that if they’re real, if they’re honest, somebody’s not gonna like it. And they won’t be able to control their environment if they tell the truth.” ~ Adyashanti

Letting go of control, you become very honest.That moment of speaking the truth without trying to get anything or expect anything or look a particular way…of just being you…what an amazing shift.You may notice a freedom beyond belief.

“If you aren’t afraid of dying, there is nothing you can’t achieve.” ~ Tao Te Ching #74

If you’re ready to be with a group, supporting you through inquiry with honesty and integrity, then come on down to the One Year Program and join our telegroup, starting 3/7/2014.You will be welcome here…the real you.Love, Grace(This Grace Note went out originally in Sept 2013…it’s modified here since I’m gone celebrating my birthday.)