Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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Everyone’s A Valentine

The big hand of the clock clicked in place in my kitchen, 7:00 am Pacific Time. The room was still, and my headphones were on, ready for my usual Tuesday morning session.

My laptop did it’s little sing-song ring at the top of the hour, on the dot.

This woman and I had been working together for three years. She hardly ever missed a session.

We could see each other on skype.

“I’m having the same thought again….it isn’t going away.”

I told her to tell me her stressful, sticky, painful situation….and while it was technically new, the same characters were involved as in the past.

Doing the very same things as before. Saying the same things as before.

Here was a new “situation”. New proof. Proof that her belief was true.

He is financially irresponsible.

Her boyfriend. He had debt, bills, a gambling history, had asked her for money and not paid it back, owed rent in five days, had his wages garnished, and was driving a car without a license.

Now, before you roll your eyes and say that Mr. Boyfriend is a loser….like many others in this woman’s life….notice what your own thoughts are about this situation.

She should break up with him, she’s not getting it, he is indeed irresponsible, he’s bad news, there’s something wrong with this, or with her, or with him, she is getting hurt….these thoughts of hers should go away. 

I watch how a little voice in my mind immediately comments that it knows what is best.

I know what is best for my client, my friend, my child, my parent, my neighbor, my boss, my co-worker, my spouse.

Especially when someone has a long, repetitive, difficult story where they are reporting that they are suffering.

She should move on, she should quit what she’s doing.  

I had another client once who was already broken up with a lover, yet pined for him endlessly. A year had gone by since the end of their relationship. She had entered The Work to try to get over her heart-break.

But every week, she said she felt the same way.  

I miss him, I hate being alone, I can’t go on like this, I wish I felt differently, I think about him all the time.  

That person should get over it!! Quit doing that!!

Is it true?

Of course! They should wake up, snap out of it, grow up, “get” how to inquire on this, stop hurting themselves, question their thinking, have a shift of consciousness, quit suffering.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true?

No. I do not know their timeline.

I would have loved to snap my fingers and end my eating disorder at age 18, right when it started.

I would have liked to notice that I was in a really volatile, caustic relationship the first weekend I ever went away with that man, but it went on for the rest of the summer and then stretched with several other encounters into the future for a couple of years.

I would have liked to see that one man I had been friends with was a complete raving addict in the first months of knowing him and completely 100% unavailable for any real and genuine connection.

I would have loved to see that the best choice for my kids and family was simple public school instead of being obsessed and fearful for four years about their education.

I’ve had a few repetitive, ongoing, persistent beliefs.

Could I stop them? God knows I tried.

How do I react when I believe someone should get their friggin’ act together and stop believing their repetitive thoughts?

How do I react when I think thoughts should STOP?

Pissy.

When I think I know what’s best for someone….and they aren’t doing it….I feel really irritated. Or I’m frightened, and sad.

I believe I must not be helping, which is also disappointing.

I get angry, I sulk, I threaten, I worry, I wring my hands, I’m anxious.

I see pictures of the future with them feeling horrible, suicidal, dead.

But who would I be without the belief that this person should STOP THINKING THOSE THOUGHTS!??

Without the thoughts that they should do something different than they are doing…..or faster, or smoother, or with more joy, or power?

I would feel the deep compassion of Not Knowing. The Mystery of their human condition.

And I would speak honestly. Because I would have no agenda or expectation or thought about what should happen, whatsoever.

I mean, how could I possibly know anything more than this loving connection, here in this moment, being here now.

“Have you noticed it’s hopeless to dictate peoples’ awareness or behavior?……Reality doesn’t wait for your opinion, vote, or permission, sweetheart. It just keeps being what it is and doing what it does. ‘No! Wait for my approval!’ I don’t think so! You lose, always.” ~ Byron Katie

Turning the thoughts around: she should keep thinking those thoughts, she shouldn’t change, he should suffer as long as he does, I shouldn’t think these thoughts about them, I should break up my thinking (about them)….. 

Everything relaxes in an instant. I love the sound of this person’s voice, I love her sincerity, her deep commitment. I honor her dilemma, I’m here with her.  

It’s 7:05 am. 

“If I think ‘what’s the matter with him?’ there is something the matter with ME in that moment. I’ve just put an obstacle between us. It’s only a thought, but look what my mind does with it….

…..If I don’t love you, I’ve lost my sanity.” ~ Byron Katie 

I love you dear Grace Note reader, thank you for being here and making a difference by even considering the question of who you would be without your story about yourself, about other people.

You are one amazing Valentine, no matter how many of the same thoughts you’ve had over and over.

Love, Grace

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The Truth of My Mediocrity

I was looking into the face of a woman I didn’t know extremely well. Her eyes were squinted and very pale and icy blue. Her voice was low but edgy, a little like she was trying to control herself. Her face was slightly red and shaking.

We were sitting in a conference room of an office building. This was a board meeting for a big community non-profit organization. I was the secretary.

“Some people look really good on the outside, but it’s deceptive. The way they look is much better than they actually are….” 

She stared viciously towards me. She was clearly saying it to me even though other people were listening.

I almost wanted to look left and right to see if she was looking at someone else nearby…was there someone standing behind me?

There wasn’t.

A huge electrical surge of adrenaline zapped through my whole body, turning my own face red.

Is she saying that I’m a fake? That I appear to be something that I am not?  

My heart was pounding.

I knew this had to do with my poor secretarial skills. I wasn’t keeping up on the notes I was supposed to take and transcribe at every meeting. I wasn’t getting them out on time to the rest of the board.

She was upset. An important deadline had come and gone. It was definitely my fault.

But wait, this was an insult.

What a b*%&#! 

Later, I was telling one of my best friends about this irritating fellow board member and her rude, paranoid, critical comments, and the way she looked at me.

I hate her. She’s making something that is supposed to be fun, community service into a chore. I HATE her! 

Fortunately, my closest friends all know that I love questioning my thinking. My dear friend said “have you done The Work on this?”

Oh. Well. OK.

Is it true that I hate the woman who was upset with me? Is it true that she is ruining my experience? Is it true that she’s making something into a chore, that was supposed to be fun?

Yes. This has gone very badly. She’s too critical. She’s sooo picky. She’s worthy of my hate, my rage, my irritation, my disappointment. She’s embarrassed me in front of other people.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true, though, that I hate her? That she ruined my participation on that board? That she embarrassed me and messed things up?

No. I don’t absolutely know this. When I met her the year before, I instantly liked her. She asked lots of good questions. She cared about the board.

When I first learned that she had no family for Thanksgiving, I thought about inviting her to mine.

How did I react when I believed that thought that she messed everything up…that she insulted me, embarrassed me, criticized me…and was worthy of my hate?

I stopped looking at her, talking with her, connecting with her. I wrote her off. I made any conversation as short as possible from that time forward.

Too scary a person.

So who would I be without the thought that I hated her? Who would I be without the thought that she was a dangerous person who put me down in front of others?

Without the thought that she was a threat?

Oh boy.

Without the thought, I would notice how powerful her words were, that I was affected deeply, that I may not love hanging out with her, but she called me out to be in complete and absolute integrity.

Without the thought that I hated her, my body relaxes. I realize her words are not daggers. Her opinion of me is not actually important. It doesn’t matter if she dislikes me, or thinks of me as a fraud, or irresponsible with my duties.

She’s right! I’m feeling very insecure with my secretarial position! These people are brilliant on this board, and I feel like an idiot half the time.

I turn the thoughts around that I have about this situation, in that moment, with that woman who dared to criticize me in front of other people….

….I love her. She is making something that is supposed to be fun into a very powerful life-changing experience. I love her!

Because after that time, I got crystal clear on my role on that board, I did my duties so that I knew I was doing my best, I cut the fat, I did exactly what I signed up to do, nothing more and nothing less.

I expended my energy exactly where I wanted to. I didn’t try to act nice or say “yes” to something I really was saying “no” to.

“In virtually every situation where you find yourself blaming, attacking or making someone else wrong, there is an unconscious feeling or sensation in the body that is being avoided. Turn gentle, restful, open attention to the sensation and let it float freely without words. Watch it disappear. Then look at the other person and notice it was never about him or her. It was just about avoidance.” ~ Scott Kiloby

After that, I looked without fear at the idea that I might look more together or better than I actually WAS.

Yes. True. Not so terrible.

If she, or anyone, was saying that I am a liar by looking different than I am…well, it’s true.

I think I want to be perceived as great and amazing, but I’m really not. I think I want to be thought of as a genius, or very kind, or loving…but I’m not (just look at my thoughts about that person)! I think I want to be supportive and helpful, but I’m not.

“It was so wonderful when I really understood that I was mediocre. Oh my goodness, what a balance!” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

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Is This Tiny Slice Of Life Enough?

“I can’t get anything done”.

A woman with a tear rolling down her face sat on the couch in my little cottage where I meet people for sessions.

She was a mother of three kids (and she was pregnant with her fourth).

The following week, at the mini retreat I offer sometimes on Saturdays, a man who was the head of a huge insurance company said “I should be doing more.”

He had the same deeply unhappy look.

I need to accomplish my goals, I must clean, drive, fix, take care of household items, I should be working on my dreams, I don’t have time, I have to focus on my vision, I should be farther than this, I wish someone else would take care of that.  

And then, being washed with all these kinds of thoughts there is an urge to cut and run.

As in, ditch the project.

Like a ton of granite, the weight settles on the shoulders…you’ve just been taking care of kids all day, or working at your job…and all you want is to escape.

Oh for just a little television, or a movie. How about a little bite to eat, or a drink? Perhaps facebook.

But what about your meditation, or exercising, or buying lightbulbs or returning those books to the library?

Just leave me alone! I want to stop and do nothing for once! 

I enter the large Victorian house on Elizabeth street in Denver Colorado where I’ve been living for three months. The door is large and elegant, built in the 1920s. It reminds me of my childhood home.

I share this house with four other perfectly lovely, young working single people. Outside it’s been brilliantly sunny all day long, with snow piled along the sidewalks.

No one is home.

The parking area is empty in the back alley.

I am alone.

Two ideas collide: 1) oh good, I can do anything I want without having to converse with anyone, and 2) I should do something productive.

I’m volunteering for student production at the college where I work tomorrow, and I could work on the programs. I could go running in the crisp air. I could write my grandma a letter. I could watch LA Law. I could look at grad school applications.

I drop my bag on the staircase up to the second floor, to my room, and I enter the empty kitchen.

Not even thinking about food, not even hungry really.

The mind chatters about what I should be doing…which by the way, I don’t even have enough time for if I DID do it…but I stay in the kitchen and start eating fat-free red diet jello that I made yesterday.

And then I want to eat some “real” food and I make a small plate of cheese and crackers and take them upstairs. All the while screaming at myself that I should be eating green vegetables instead. And getting something done.

Two hours later, I’m running in the park, jumping over snow drifts, pushing myself hard even though exhausted. I went up and down the stairs eight times, getting more food each time, consuming an entire box of triscuits and then another of wheat thins, a bunch of cheese and ice cream and stealing some of my housemates’ food.

Guilty as usual.

I run for an hour.

Even though I was in counseling and in a therapy group, and knew a lot about self-care….the way I talked to myself was vicious.

I look back now, and remember that young woman as I hear other people have the same thoughts.

Back then, I didn’t ask if it was true that I should do more, and that I wasn’t getting enough done. I just believed it was true…..and I wasn’t.

The same thoughts will run through my mind now and again, only I notice, I simply cannot believe them like before.

Who would you be without the thought that you should be doing more than you are? Without the thought that you need to take action, get on the horse, cross the finish line for that project?

But. Won’t I just lie around like a lazy slob and do NOTHING?

Without these thoughts I might never get ANYTHING done. EVER! I won’t win! I won’t achieve!

I won’t be guilt-free!

Are you sure?

Here’s the thing. Now that I hardly ever believe the thought that I should ever do anything, I do a lot more.

Seriously.

(Ask me right before a workshop is about to start and I might have a different story about done-ness).

Without the thought that I should do anything at all, I’m writing this Grace Note in this moment, hearing the wind chimes sing on the front porch. Feeling the thump of my daughter’s footsteps moving outside past my closed door. Feeling the delicious heat of my black sweater on my arms.

Every little thing alive, ecstatic, like the air is dancing.

Look around right now. Breathe in and feel the room you are in as you read this.

Feel it.

Who would you be without the thought that you need to do anything more, at all? Without the belief that this is not quite enough, there should be more? 

“You have to understand that it is your attempt to get special experiences from life that makes you miss the actual experience of life. Life is not something you get; it’s something you experience. Life exists with or without you. It’s been going on for billions of years. You simply get the honor of seeing a tiny slice of it. If you’re busy trying to get something, you’ll miss the slice you’re actually experiencing.” ~ Michael Singer 

Turn the thoughts around that you need to do something, that you need to stop procrastinating or wasting time, that you must achieve and do more, that you haven’t gotten enough done:

You need to stop, you should sit here, you do not need to do anything, it’s not your job to get anything special done, it’s not possible to waste time, you can slow way down, you do not have to write that letter, you can get everything done that is necessary.

You are enough. This moment is completely full.

Isn’t that amazing? Doesn’t it make you want to stare at everything, with wonder and joy?

The colors, the sounds, the temperature, textures, sensations, smells…can you see how much is around you?

Could this be enough?

Love, Grace

 

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Fat Thinking Creates Misery

I was looking at someone close to me during a class. He was looking forward at the teacher who was lecturing. I was staring with fascination at the belt around his waste which looked squeezed, with his shirt tightening with strain on either side of his stomach.

I had the thought that his stomach was too fat. Or his shirt was too small. And that he should un-tuck his shirt.

And then the thought that I shouldn’t be so rude as to think that thought.

In the current new Eating Peace class, we’ve taken a good look at our bodies by looking in the mirror.

And then there are Other Bodies, too.

Those bodies, the ones that look like THAT (fill in your own image) are beautiful, perfect, exciting, interesting, or attractive.

These other bodies, the ones that look NOT so perfect (fill in your other images like the one I had in my mind) are anywhere from slightly unappealing to repulsive.

Lumpy/Smooth, Thick/Narrow, Tight/Loose, Saggy/Firm, Wrinkled/Flat, Fat/Thin.

Even when I was a teenager, I would have not only the thought that something was ugly on a body…but also that I was stupid to be thinking that it was ugly.

I should control my judgmental thoughts about those other peoples’ bodies! And while we’re at it, I should also love my own body!

Major Dismal Failure at NOT judging.

So there I was, a teenager, seeing the world and it was jam-packed with images of other bodies.

It was so quick, I could easily tell you what was beautiful and ugly in one-half of a second.

I KNEW UGLY AND I KNEW ATTRACTIVE.

I was learning, or had learned, VERY quickly, very young. As soon as I could hear what adults were saying around me. As soon as I could see what people were drawn to, and how they behaved, and who they rejected or praised.

It was in the movies and on TV.

I KNEW already at the age of 8 that when I sat on a table one day, and my thighs spread out in a squished way with my legs hanging over the edge of the desk.

I was shocked at the time.

“I have fat thighs?! I did not realize this! Terrible! They are ugly!”

“100 percent of your misery is brought on by your dishonest, unconscious thinking. That’s what a lie feels like….if you think you’re too fat, it’s not about your body, it’s about your mind. It’s about imagination running wild…The mind doesn’t have the question IS IT TRUE? to stop it, so that it can reconsider, so that it can bring itself to sanity. Sanity is a word I equate with love, with intelligence and maturity. An immature mind, is a mind that hates itself.” ~Byron Katie

I’ve had the thought that someone was too fat. That person should lose weight. They should exercise. Something is wrong with how they are taking in food.

Plus, another person I love I thought of as waaaaaaaay too focused on the body (and it wasn’t me).

She should get off this whole get-the-body-perfect thing. What a waste of energy, time, resources, focus! Jeez!

Can you call up an image of someone you know who is “fat” and who you think shouldn’t be?

Let’s do The Work.

Is it true that they would be better off thinner? Is it true they are actually FAT?

Is it true that they represent everything that fatness means?

Undisciplined, lazy, unhealthy, scared, angry, pudgy, needy, unhappy, self-centered, or don’t love themselves?

Are they really unattractive? Do people reject them, are they lonely? Are they less than spiritual, or unconscious?

Really?

No. It’s actually not true. At all.

What is really the problem with anyone in this world being fat?

I’ve noticed that the world, the universe, Reality actually contains bodies which are of all different qualities. The variety is enormous, in fact, and actually infinite.

I notice that without the thought that anyone’s Body should be different than the way it actually appears in this moment, then the creativity and variety is magnificent.

All these bodies everywhere being themselves….

Could it be that any way a body appears here, now, is just right?

 

See how amazing it feels to be with this thought.

Back (once again) to leaving everything alone.

What was too fat, was my thinking. When I think someone else is too fat, or anything about me is too fat…..my thinking is slow, full, repetitive, thick, heavy, extra, big, dark, overflowing, wide, depressing.

Fortunately, my thinking is not ME.

Just like my body isn’t ME.

“God, or your essential nature, is not Something. Not Content. Not Form. The best description with words is to say what it is NOT….It can be known in the silent space of stillness which is in everyone…”~ Eckhart Tolle 

What if you walked around today, or sat around, or maybe the body you appear to have is lying around…what if you were here and entirely and completely without the thought that what your body looks like or represents IS you?

What if you are much more than that. Or not even that, at all.

Love, Grace

P.S. The Horrible Food Wonderful Food weekend is approaching in April 4-6, Friday evening through Sunday 5 pm. We’ll be looking at what we think about our bodies. Reply back if you’re interested and I’ll keep you up to date.

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Big Ego Gets Spit Out Of The Universe

I was sitting cross-legged on a brown carpeted floor in a large circle of people. We were in an enormous log cabin far up a winding dirt road in the mountains, thick green forest outside, cool scented summer air coming in through the big screened windows.

Each person was sharing the answer to three questions.

What’s your name? Where did you spend a lot of time growing up? Who haven’t you forgiven? 

One of the workshop leaders had explained that you haven’t forgiven someone if you feel resentful, furious, critical or irritated in the presence of someone….or even just thinking about them.

As people shared, one by one, my turn to go grew closer and closer. My heart was starting to beat a little faster.

I was nervous about sharing, period.

Everyone stares at you! They make judgments! I could say something stupid! And by the way, I can’t answer that question about who I haven’t forgiven….because I’m irritated with EVERYONE! I’m too angry, judgmental and critical myself! 

But here I was. I had signed up for this for three whole days to learn about anger, resentment and speaking one’s truth…..or something like that. I was only 24.

So far, 45 minutes had gone by.  

Fortunately for me, somewhere along the road I recognized that the one who thinks she is important, unique, independent, an individual personality…..is not exactly any of those things.

One of my deepest underlying beliefs back then: I have a problem. I must fix it. I must change myself. This will perhaps help other people around me to change. It has to get better.

Is it true, that I need to fix something? Something about me, something about you?

I need things to change…is that absolutely true?

Of course! That’s why I’m on this stupid retreat!

How do I react, though, when I believe these thoughts that I need change….yesterday?

I gather information, I make plans, I get an agenda, I wonder about myself, and others.

There’s an energy of push, forcing, lazer-beam direction. I get pictures of the future better-looking world.

I’m against stuff. Even my own thinking.

Especially my own thinking. 

So who would I be if I couldn’t have the thoughts that there is a problem around here, things need to be corrected, I have to do something, and that I should fix my own mind?

Who would I without the thought that I really should be more forgiving, or forgive anyone, or be a “better” person and that I better get on that right away?

Weird. I’m used to trying to fix myself. So much to fix, so little time…..right? So many self-improvement course, techniques, workshops, trainings.

“Only a huge ego could say that you’re supposed to be doing something that you’re not doing. If it’s required, just start moving toward it–get the job done. And if you can’t get the job done, it’s because it’s not required. It’s your attempt to mess up the universe, and the universe won’t have it. It would prefer perfection. It does its job. The universe does what’s required. It spits you out–have you noticed?” ~ Byron Katie

I’m raising my hand here! I’ve noticed!

When I argue with what is happening, with another person’s behavior, with my own thoughts, with my own agenda, even about whether or not I should be forgiving….it really doesn’t feel good. Or true.

Turning the thoughts around….

….I do not have a problem. It is not necessary for ME to fix this. I must not try to change myself. No one around me needs to change. It will never get better.

Suddenly laughter wells up. This is not up to me. I am not the boss of How Things Unfold.  

As people share in the circle on the retreat, everyone begins to look so sweet, thoughtful, pensive. Everyone is so sincere.

Coming all this way to spend some time with others, enter the unknown, listen, experience something different.

I suddenly want to hug everyone. Even if I’ve never met any one of them before. I feel joy with this place.

Why, I could probably call up my old ex-boyfriend right now, or my mean old grandpa, or that infuriating 4th grade teacher, and tell them “I love you!”

Wow, I can even see the advantages in those people chewing me up and spitting me out.

I’m not sure I can thank them for it…but I can so see how it’s helped me become so deeply powerful (in a good way) with my own rooted capacity to love unconditionally.

Like a light beam planted deep in the earth, never to be moved.

Oh. Forgiveness. I think I’m getting it.  

“By watching your mind, you will notice that it is in the process of trying to make everything okay. Consciously remember that this is not what you want to do, and then gently disengage. Do not fight it. Do not ever fight your mind. You will never win.” ~ Michael Singer  

I hope this retreat never ends.

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Heaven Is Putting Your Separateness On Hold

Almost nine years ago, I signed up for the School for The Work of Byron Katie.

Little did I know what a crazy, joyful, astonishing adventure it would be to begin to question what I was thinking.

You mean, I don’t have to believe that everything that runs through my head is true?

All the scary stuff about other people, having big emotions like terror or rage, living successfully, failing, being safe, telling the truth, getting sick or hurt, engaging in addictive behavior, pursuing the meaning of life, or contemplating death itself?

That’s a lot of thinking, over a lot of years. Always in the background.

What’s All This about? What’s going on around Here on planet Earth?

After I left the School which lasted nine days, I knew what to do when I had a feeling of anxiety, worry, sadness, irritation or emotional reaction that didn’t feel good.

Or even curiosity, resistance, confusion.

I knew I could identify what it was I thought in that moment, and spend some time with it to see if it was really true.

I thought “why would I need a facilitator? It’s four simple questions and then finding turnarounds. I can do this with one hand tied behind my back!”

My life continued along, and the thing is….it got a little fast-paced.

Movement was happening. I was faced with divorce, moments of unrest with my kids, money worries, cancer.

It’s not always natural or easy (so it seems) to stop, do a little writing, and take a moment to understand what it is that’s going on in your mind like its your best friend and you have all the time in the world for examining your thoughts.

Your mind does not always feel exactly like a Best Friend, if you know what I mean.

Plus, the mind is faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and definitely able to leap tall buildings or even whole countries in a single bound.

(If you’re not so sure about that, quick right now, think about France…now think about Africa….see what I mean?)

As the weeks went by following my 9 day immersion in The Work with Byron Katie herself, I noticed every so often that I hadn’t actually sat down and done The Work for a few days.

Then a few more days.

Then a couple of weeks.

I’m doing The Work in my head in the car! Isn’t that good enough? 

But I’d get interrupted. I’d forget where I was. I’d get lost.

Then…I decided I needed a companion. I needed a friend, a co-facilitator, I needed to anchor this practice into time so that it actually happened.

Because every single time I did it from start to finish, with someone else, or with a small group, there was always a magnificent discovery.

Like I was able to have a genuine, honest conversation with my own mind, after enlisting support.

Gosh. With other people facilitating me, and time set on the calendar…shared investigation, depth, authentic connection.

Up to me on my own with Me, Myself and I running the show, the short-cut version, kind of like fake sugar. Not quite right.

The way things were going all on my own wasn’t exactly reliable.

I knew I didn’t want to mess around.  This was my life. My world was changing.

In some ways, it was falling apart completely.

Everything I had previously thought of as true was up for grabs.

I got a facilitator. Best move I could have made.  Because when I felt just a wee bit better emotionally, in control, relaxed, like “OK, I got it! I’m good!” I would have the urge to take that idea seriously.

But I didn’t.

Thank you for sharing, oh mind that thinks it can do everything by itself thank you very much. I love that you’re so independent and brilliant (which it is, actually).

However, the results are that on my own it kind of looked like the tasmanian devil approach, with slight moments of exhaustion and re-grouping in between.

I wanted peace.

Of course, the great paradox is that everyone must find their own answers….they are actually already there, in the silence within all of us, ready to blossom.

But if like me you find that you just don’t find the time, commitment, clarity or depth on your own at first…you may love signing up for a class with others, or putting yourself in a retreat or structured program, or scheduling time with a facilitator.

It doesn’t have to be anything that costs money, you can call the Help Line on thework.com or you can get a partner to trade sessions with.

I continue to value the peeps I gather with as my stepping stones to true peace.

Just like when I first went to 12 Step Meetings so long ago at age 19. On my own, things weren’t going so well.

In a group….better.

It doesn’t matter if the people you encounter are your new best friends. The group is for you to show up into. It brings a stable structure that you don’t have to question.

You’re just there, scheduling it is handled.

“Mind’s job is to be right, and it can justify itself faster than the speed of light. Stop the portion of your thinking that is the source of your fear, anger, sadness, or resentment by transferring it to paper. Once the mind is stopped on paper, it’s much easier to investigate. Eventually The Work begins to undo you automatically without writing.” ~ Byron Katie 

If you notice that like me, you kinda want the speed-dating, speed-skating, speed-racer path to enlightenment…. ….then you may enjoy entering the Year of Inquiry (YOI) for the Addictive Mind program.

A WHOLE YEAR?!?!

Yes.

Invented for the more brilliant, quick, distracted minds that may find great serenity in having a set time 3 times per month for 90 minutes with others to investigate your deepest judgments, your stressful thinking, your assumptions, your troubling ideas.

We do it on the phone, so you can be anywhere.

Even your car.

And of course, no one needs to do YOI. You can do a shorter class (the one on Parenting starts soon!) or set up a trade with someone in your life.

If I could do it, you can too!

If this was your last year in this lifetime…would you want to be with others in this deeply intimate way?

Would you want to rest in knowing you had the time and space to dial-in, literally, to inquiry?

I would.

Heaven in YOI“I love that I have to EXPERIENCE the Work, have to DO it, to be IN it.  And when I do The Work – surprise! – I am letting go into the moment. I’ve been at it for a few years now, here and there, sometimes frequently/intensely, sometimes not for weeks or even months.  And here we are in this terrific group.  Heaven.” ~ YOI participant

Come join us in un-believing and un-doing your painful thoughts. Losing your world could be a good thing….and you can get support while doing it.

It’s why meditation retreats, groups, classes, communities exist.

Because other people ARE you, of course.  “

Everyone is a mirror image of yourself-your own thinking coming back to you.” ~ Byron Katie  

Reply to this email if you’re ready to sign up for YOI or another class. Let me know how I can be of service to you.  My sincere commitment is joining with others in our true freedom.

As the wise and loving teacher Adya says about signing up for meditation retreats or classes:
“….They are an opportunity to put your separateness on hold and discover the liberating truth of what you are…” ~ Adyashanti  

Love, Grace

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Eeeek I Need To Ask For Help

I was talking with my mom on the phone. I called her because I had the pool schedule, and she had offered to take me swimming again.

I had discovered a rehabilitation warm-water pool about 30 minutes away from my home…perfect for me and my stiff, hurting body after lying in bed for 3 weeks after my leg surgery.

My mom had picked me up and taken me and gotten in the pool with me, following me with my crutches and helping me get dressed in the locker room.

I couldn’t lean over to pick up anything, or reach my right foot.

She had to put on my sock and tie my shoe, like when I was four.

Now we were talking on the phone and I was excitedly telling her about when we could go again.

But I heard a hesitation in her voice.

“The chlorine kind of bothers me. I’m not sure I’ll be able to stick with this. I’m wondering if you have any other options for people who could drive you?”

Oh.

Rats.

A feeling of embarrassment came up through me. I had the thought that while I had enjoyed myself, she had not.

The thing is, people often want to help you when you have an accident, or you’re sick, or you have a very rough experience–maybe a devastating loss, an abrupt change, a shocking diagnosis.

But sometimes….the help can feel uncomfortable.

Like, you’re weighing and measuring how much help is OK, whether or not you should really ask for All That, and if the person who is offering help really means it.

It’s a strange doubt that enters.

The one where even though someone is saying “please tell me what I can do to help” but you think “they will think I’m a pain in the ass if I tell them what they could really do to help”.

Discomfort can even overcome us when we need to ask directions, or for the bathroom key, or for a different meal, or for the late fee to be removed.

These kinds of stressful thoughts are cloudy, confusing, worrisome, and anxiety-producing.

Is that person pleased or repulsed by my need for help?

Let’s take a look and see what could be going on when you’re in need of something, but you’re afraid to ask…or you’ve asked, and the answer appears to be “no”.

  • She doesn’t like me
  • He’s just too busy–other things are more important
  • She’ll feel obligated
  • He’ll do it, be secretly resentful and I’ll pay for it later
  • He’ll think I owe him
  • They’ll think something’s wrong with me
  • They’ll feel uncomfortable about saying no, even though they want to

Is it true that someone might feel obliged, resentful, owed if they help you?

Yes! They might not feel comfortable saying no, and then feel stuck and like they should help.

It could come between us. They might avoid me.

Even if they are a stranger, they might feel all twisted up inside and want to run for the hills because they don’t even like being asked.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that all these possibilities are to be avoided, that they are dangerous outcomes? Can I absolutely know that if someone says “no” that they don’t like me anymore?

No.

How do I react when I believe that I shouldn’t impose, shouldn’t ask for too much help, should do things by myself, or that it’s much better to be entirely independent and need nothing?

How do I react when I believe that people don’t tell the truth, feel stuck, or feel like they are owed something for helping?

I NEVER ask anyone for anything! If I really need something, I agonize about who, when, where and how to ask. I do everything I can to get what I need without putting anyone out.

Phew, it’s a lot of work being in other peoples’ business!

Who would I be without the thought that receiving a “no” is bad, for any reason? Without the thought that someone saying “no” means something about me?

Can you imagine having a “no” be just as fabulous as a “yes”?

How exciting!

Without that thought, everything feels easy, fun, full of humor. Not serious, grave and heavy.

Without the thought….absolute freedom to ask, to hear the answer, to confirm, to have conversations about what works and what doesn’t.

Turning the thoughts around: she still loves me, he may be too busy and that’s fine (it doesn’t mean I’m not important), people will or won’t feel obliged and it doesn’t really matter, he’ll tell the truth honestly with a “yes” or “no”, they’ll think something’s right with me for asking, it’s not my business if they feel uncomfortable saying “no”.

The only thing I am responsible for is asking for what I want, hearing the answer, moving on.

That’s it.

So simple.

Nothing personal. 

“I trust everyone. I trust them to do what they do, and I’m never disappointed. And since I trust people, I know to let them find their own way. The wonderful thing about inquiry is that there’s no one to guide you but you. There’s no guru, no teacher who, in her great wisdom, shows you the answers. Only your own answers can help you. You yourself are the way and the truth and they life, and when you realize this, the world become very kind.” ~ Byron Katie 

I find my own “yes” and “no” and so does everyone else. What they want is kind, for me. Every request and every answer is felt with trust and respect…no fear of the truth, no personal meaning.

Who would you be without the story that asking for help, and any answer you receive, is dangerous, or any kind of a problem, whatsoever?

Love, Grace

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How To Get The To-Do List All Done

The word “whelm” comes from an old English term that meant to overturn a vessel. Totally submerged, turned upside down, drowning, helpless.

Today, I glanced at the clock knowing I had exactly two hours to respond to a bunch of emails, write for 50 minutes on my book proposal (at least that’s my little plan), take a shower, finish my taxes, work with a client, write this blog, fix something on my website, watch a training video, and make a green smoothie.

If I really did all of that, it would take five hours. Depending on the speed needed for the email replies.

The mind kicks in…what can I cut?

Not enough time! Not enough time! Not enough time!

And then there’s a few more personal messages I would actually like to respond to but naturally, not enough time for those, either.

When time appears to be limited, with more things to do in it than what allows….a strange dynamic gets built that believes in TIME and that MORE of it will resolve this state of un-done-ness.

Yesterday, I unexpectedly devoted a lot of time to my wonderful son who is 19. He needed fairly quick medical attention and we had to see an ear, nose and throat surgeon/specialist.

After a fascinating two-hour visit (I got to see a film of his inner ear on a big screen and a bunch of weird stuff inside it) and a procedure, the next step was driving son back to college. Ninety minutes away.

3.5 more hours for me out of my “schedule”.

Now, because I love caring for my kid and have zero trouble with whatever needs to happen there, the whole afternoon and evening I did not consider a waste of time, and I loved spending time with him….

….but I had the thought this morning that I don’t have enough of it to allow for surprises, changes, hitches, cancellations.

Then, in comes the itchy little thoughts. I need more time, and for these reasons (x, y, and z) I am getting held back. I should cancel my dinner date tonight. I should skip my own physical therapy appointment later.

Uh oh. Overwhelm is descending. The boat is getting turned over.

Ahhh….must inquire.

What do I actually need more time for?

Creativity, building and making everything I’m thinking into a reality, connection, success!

And what do I need creativity for? What would I have, if I had my creations manifested into reality? What would it mean if I emailed back, traded communications with people? What would I have if I had success?

I’d feel Happy! Powerful! In Service! Mighty! Joyful! Rooted!

Quite remarkable what I think more time would give me…like it’s an obvious stepping stone to feeling strength, happiness, and joy.

Woah.

If I just had more time, I wouldn’t feel so incomplete, unfinished, unstable, small, limited, insecure, unsafe……

I suddenly picture I’m at the end of my life, still with the thought.

Please….just a little bit more time? God? Source? Reality? Universe?

Like I’m asking something Out There.

More. Now. I personally need it.

I see how I am when my convinced mind that believes that More Time would offer greater happiness.

I get all worked up internally, going fast, speedy. I feel an adrenaline rush. I don’t go to the bathroom until I’m bursting. I don’t ever pick up the phone when it rings. I feel irritable with interruptions.

I think about canceling things I love to do most.

Like I’m running a race and I’ll wait til it’s over before I slow down, or take care of basic needs, or simply enjoy myself, or pay attention to anything except the finish line.

So who would I be without the thought that I need more time and there’s not enough of it right now?

Writing this Grace Note. Taking a long, deep breath.

Without the thought that anything is actually un-done?

An even deeper breath.

Everything good the way it is. Everything brilliant the way it is. I stop and look around the room, hearing the air of the heater, listening to the mail truck drop off mail, feeling my sweater on my arms, relaxing.

Turning the thought around: Everything is completely and entirely Done right now, in this moment, as much as it needs to be for my happiness….I do not need More Time. 

“As soon as your idea of enlightenment becomes time-bound, it’s always about the next moment. You may have a deep spiritual experience and then ask, ‘How long will I sustain this experience?’ As long as you insist on the question, you remain time-bound. If you are still interested in time and the spiritual accumulations you can have in time, you will get a time-bound experience. The mind is acting as if what you are looking for isn’t already present right now….So you miss what’s actually here.” ~ Adyashanti

Here now is a beautiful silver laptop, and a full spectacular mind thinking many thoughts, words spilling out onto the screen, images of meeting a very close friend for dinner later, feeling the joy of creativity in this moment, feeling in service, noticing how very safe I am, connected to the flow of life…

….joyfully unfinished, not done.

No submerged boat. Not whelmed. Not underwater, not drowning.

FLOATING, face up to the gorgeous sky, feeling everything.

Could it be TRUER right now that I am complete, finished, stable, expansive, unlimited, secure, safe……OR happily incomplete, unfinished and never actually DONE?

Into my mind comes the picture of butterfly eggs, caviar, dandelion seeds….the burst of multiple millions of something in nature but only a few actually become fertilized.

The eggs that aren’t fertilized aren’t screaming for more time.

Maybe thoughts and to-do lists are like that, too.

So you just pick the ones you feel joy about getting born, and move into the activity of completing those (or not) and notice what is here, now.

Nothing more is required.  Nothing.

“Nothing comes ahead of its time.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

 

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Watching Football For No Reason

Normally on Sunday afternoons I start my Grace Note for Monday morning.
But yesterday offered an unusual opportunity: watching football (the American kind).
Now, I must confess, I haven’t watched football in a few years. I don’t even know all the rules.
But it was such a sweet adventure.
I had printed out a google map of the location where I was invited along with my husband. My son arrived home unexpectedly for the weekend from college, so he joined us.
Our destination?
The home of someone I knew in high school who I had not seen in about 30 years.
The map showed that we would be traveling for 40 minutes and into a slightly unfamiliar neighborhood. There would be other high school friends there, too, who I also hadn’t seen since 1979.
Now that’s what I call an adventure.
Paths not crossed, yet lives being lived, the business of being human, growing, expanding, becoming aware….how had it played out for these friends?
And these were the football guys from HS. I mean, the popular team players. The guys ON the football team.
Well….they were all totally welcoming, kind and fun. Long stories were not necessary, details were not exchanged like “what do you do, where do you work, how long have you been married, how many kids do you have.”
There was a game to watch!
It reminded me that people connect, then separate, then connect again….like dancing.
I’m in a car driving to another nearby town, then I’m in someone’s new kitchen circled with others holding hands hearing a blessing of the food and people gathered, then meeting new people and eating guacamole and chips, then high-fiving people in a room, curious, delighted, in the now, sharing.
Yesterday, there was a thought of wondering why I am called to drive 40 minutes in what turned out to be heavy traffic for part of the way, in order to watch something that could be watched at home….
…but then the thought “who would I be without the thought that there has to be a reason?”
Who would you be without the thought that you should know why you are going here or there, or that there must be a clear goal, or a purpose, for what you do?
Without the thought that you need a good logical reason to be drawn over there, or that you should avoid long travel, or that it is hard or arduous.
Once at an Adyashanti retreat, there was a woman who stood up to share on the very last day at the last hour of a one-week retreat in California at a meditation retreat conference center.
She said that very recently she had been searching for something on the internet, not even sure what….and came across Adya’s website and began reading.
She then knew she had to come meet him.
She puzzled about it. Because she lived in Australia. And she wasn’t a meditation retreat type person. She smoked cigarettes and ate meat and had no personal spiritual practice.
But she got on an airplane and showed up at the retreat a week later.
I don’t remember what she looked like, but I felt her braveness and her clarity. There was no “should” about being there. She was so honest about feeling like she didn’t fit in.
Adya said “Oh! It was you who was smoking! I loved that, it reminded me of my grandpa.”
Who would we be without the story that it’s easier or safer to stay home, or that we should know why we’re called here or there, or that we don’t fit in?
Even in the smallest ways…like showing up to gather with friends just because that’s the next thing to do, with joy, even if we have no idea what’s going on in football.
“Being and non-being create each other. Difficult and easy support each other. Long and short define each other. High and low depend on each other. Before and after follow each other.” ~ Tao Te Ching #2
Turning the thoughts around and letting them come alive and living them out: I don’t have to know the purpose, I follow the joy, I say yes, I say no…I relax into the way of it…there doesn’t have to be a reason, I’m not running things here.
The adventure of a lifetime!
“If you put your hand into a fire, does anyone have to tell you to move it? Do you have to decide? No: When your hand starts to burn, it moves. You don’t have to direct it; the hand moves itself. In the same way, once you understand, through inquiry, that an untrue thought causes suffering, you move away from it.” ~ Byron Katie 
Same with moving towards something you love, what brings joy, honesty, connection, play, lightness.
For no reason, you know to do it. 
Love, Grace
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Join Others And Let The Tao Sing In Your Life

The mini retreat is now closed for tomorrow. An employer decided to pay for all her employees to take the retreat together so we’re doing it separately with only their company.

If you had a little spark of thinking about coming…the March 8th and May 3 will be the next open Saturday afternoons of The Work in Seatown (that’s fondly for Seattle).

Whether you’re experienced or not, everyone will be welcome.

Getting together with others is not always an easy choice.

If you’re particularly introverted like me (I come out very extreme every single time I’ve taken the Meyers-Briggs test, toward the Introverted side of the scale) then your first thought about joining a group of any kind may be like mine.

Isn’t there a book somewhere on this topic? That I could read BY MYSELF? Do I have to get together with other people?

Heck, even someone on the Extraverted side of the scale might have reservations.

(As if these “scales” actually exist, but for the sake of the discussion, I will continue).

Admit it! Other people can be annoying! Or scary!

Many years ago when I had a wonderful mentor/therapist, I told her that I was invited to a party the coming weekend.

“Oh?” she replied, “How will that be for you if you don’t drink alcohol and don’t overeat any food?”

Gulp.

I told her I would have anxiety just walking into the house!

She said “Oh, I’ve had the same feeling. But remember the other people there are Human Beings. You can stand next to someone and actually say ‘I’m a little nervous about being here’. Have a real conversation.”

Wow, a real honest conversation?

What would be the worst that could happen, if you joined a workshop, event, class, group, retreat, party, gathering, trip……..with other humans?

Let’s go ahead and see what some of the stressful thoughts are:

  • someone might dominate the entire group, the conversation, or every activity with their talking on and on
  • there might be someone rude or scary present
  • I might have to talk, expose myself and have everyone hear me, or stare at me….they might think I’m an idiot
  • I could appear foolish, naive, immature, selfish, bossy, or any other quality where people won’t like me
  • someone might start crying, sobbing, freaking out, yelling, or getting really emotional….and that would make me nervous
  • somebody might be needy and start asking for attention from me or others, I might feel compelled to help them and not get what I need

Oh boy. Lots of potential dangers. It’s a jungle out there.

And I’m not kidding!

Let’s say you like the idea of learning meditation, or going to AA, or taking an art class, or going to school, or attending a party, or taking a workshop…….but you hesitate.

Is it true that there could be someone else who dominates, controls….or someone needy and desperate…either of whom might “take over” the group focus?

Is it true that when I reveal my inner world, someone might be disgusted or appalled?

Well, YEAH! I’ve been in these situations before! Very uncomfortable! I wanted to get OUTTA THERE!

But are you absolutely sure you couldn’t get what you needed? Are you positive that when people judged you, that was terrible?

Are you certain that the person who stirred things up was someone you need to run from?

No.

How do you react when you believe the thought that Other People’s needs or behavior can conflict with your own?

That you might have to “deal” with tough people and it will be hard?Oh man.

I avoid groups. I keep a low profile. I don’t sign up for that many group-ish things. I run to my car when an event is over. I don’t ask friends to go with me. I put up a shield against whoever I think of as “trouble”.

And who would I be if I didn’t even have these kinds of thoughts?

If I noticed what I enjoy, and the topics I want to learn more about, and the attraction I have towards classes or workshops…. ….and I simply follow my preferences?

Who would I be without the thought that something bad might happen with a person there? Or that IF someone were difficult that’s the last thing I want?

Woah.

Without the thought that people could make me feel uncomfortable? Without the thought that something might be awkward?

I’d be excited. I’d be ready for anything. I’d say “bring it on” and join with others all the time.

I’d come and go and leave and stay with a deep freedom, something solid, no hesitation, no worries about what should or should not happen.

Without the thought that feeling uncomfortable is something to be avoided…I’d join. I’d walk through the door. I’d sign up.

Someone difficult would be the FIRST thing I’d want.

Turning the thoughts around:

  • someone might serve the entire group, the conversation, or every activity with their talking
  • there might be someone kind or very loving present
  • I might have to talk, expose myself and have everyone hear me, or stare at me….they might think I’m normal, and awesome
  • I could appear foolish, naive, immature, selfish, bossy, or willing, honest, mature, selfless, humble…and people will think whatever they think
  • someone might start crying, sobbing, freaking out, yelling, or getting really emotional and that would make me excited
  • somebody might be needy and start asking for attention from me or others, and I might get exactly what I need by whatever happens next

When every single danger could be an opportunity it’s an adventure to join with Other People.

When every exchange, lesson or activity that is presented in a group creates potential for enlightenment of my own thinking…

…I go.

Almost everything of deep value, I notice, I’ve learned by someone or something bringing it to me. I am presented it by reality, in the form of these Other People.

By looking and being with them, I am with myself.

“Let the Tao become present in your life and you will become genuine. Let it be present in your family and your family will flourish. Let it be present in your country and your country will be an example to all the countries in the world. Let it be present in the universe and the universe will sing.” ~ Tao Teo Ching #54

This universe that I let the Tao be present in includes people and all their reactions, forms, words, behaviors, dominance, neediness…whatever form they/it takes.

Oh boy, can’t wait to show up in whatever group thing is going on next.

I’ve always enjoyed being in the background, sitting in a cafe, watching people. But now, when I sit in a cafe, sometimes people watch me. It’s a challenge. But it’s usually people who want to say ‘your book transformed my life’, or something… so then I’m joyful. One moment before, I didn’t want them to recognise me, but when they do, I’m glad. ~ Eckhart Tolle

Even if you’re very shy…or maybe BECAUSE you are very shy…you may find great joy and just the right amount of contact in the upcoming Year of Inquiry.

It’s filling up. With your peeps.

Come experience the challenge and joy of inquiry with others, even if you’re shy.

(Monthly payment plans available, we meet on Fridays for a year, 3 times per month on telephone). Write me with questions grace@workwithgrace.com.

Connections of a Lifetime in YOI (Year of Inquiry)
It is really valuable to make the personal connections/friendships that we are forming in the group. They are those lifetime, special connection, we were in it together, kinda friendships. And, like The School, it’s basis is life-giving, healing, transcending. So the friendship level is a very high vibration. Like we support each other in being the best we can be, which for me means the most peaceful/loving we can be, (rather than the most successful in society’s eyes we can be.) It reminds me of the bonds/friendships I formed in seminary.~ YOI participant, Oregon  

We start March 7th.

Love, Grace