Grace – Page 129 – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

February 22, 2014

To Act Or Do The Work–Is That The Question?

Not long ago I was listening to a lecture on my laptop. The screen kept freezing and doing a spinney wheel and I’d hack away at emails in my Inbox on another screen….

…but I kept listening to the recording.

Then, I heard the voice of the speaker say something that made me pause a moment.

She said “don’t you just get sick of looking at your limiting beliefs all the time? Heck, just take action.”

(Scrape…….did you hear the rewind sound?)

I had to chuckle.

Because on first read-through…moving through and doing The Work is all about looking at limiting beliefs….

….uncomfortable, disappointing, frightening, aggravating beliefs.

We’re looking, investigating, exploring this (apparently) internal world.

It’s true that there appears to be no guidance about action. No rules or ideas about what to do or when to do it.

But here’s what I’ve noticed about action and believing: both of these experiences or “things” HAPPEN.

It’s not exactly natural to sit still and never take action. It’s not natural to constantly take action and never sit still.

If you just sat all the time writing out The Work, or getting facilitated, or concluding that since you are not feeling happy, you must question your thoughts 24/7 until this changes…

…none of us would last very long. And it would be virtually impossible.

Even when I’ve been looking at my beliefs about situations and people in my life, I’ve been going about my business…cleaning house, picking up kids, writing the book, sleeping, doing dishes, meeting with clients, teaching classes, working out at the gym, healing from my leg getting cut off, eating lunch.

(OK OK, the leg wasn’t cut off, I had surgery on a badly torn hamstring).

But I really love the idea that this dynamic speaker had about moving, acting, energy: sometimes, heck, just go for it!!

Sometimes, even if you are really nervous, feeling totally awkward, uncertain, uncomfortable, terrified, indecisive, do-it-anyway.

The thing is, the more I do The Work and get down into the gritty dark recesses of my greatest fears, the more actions and energy appear to be freed up.

I take about 1000% more efficient, fun action than I used to. Before, I’d spend so much time in my head analyzing, ruminating, perseverating…

…I hardly let anything sink below the neck.

And my actions, when I believed my fearful thoughts, were very defensive, protective….like when a little bunny rabbit is trying to run across the open highway with cars zooming both ways at 70 miles per hour.

Major random emergency chaos! And who the heck knows if the bunny ends up on the other side of the highway!

When I’ve spent time in meditation, quiet, feeling, being, doing The Work, contemplating…

…my actions sink down into the entire body and even spread out into the universe.

If I think that I SHOULD take action, I get a little paralyzed and frustrated. If I think I SHOULDN’T take action, I get a little paralyzed and frustrated. Ha!

And….I love what that speaker said that suggested watching the experience of staying inside the mind, thinking, without bustin’ a move.

“I need to wait before I take action on x, y or z”.

If it’s stressful to wait…then yes, take it to The Work!

Is that true that you need to wait? That you need to be careful? That you need to gather more info before trying it?

Yes. I really want to make the best move possible. I have to weigh it out, pull together all the information, find the “right” answer.

Can you absolutely know that it’s true that you need to wait?

No.

How do you react when you believe you need to wait?

My head almost explodes with finding the perfect answer. I practically forget I have a body. I talk to other people and hash it over.

Who would you be without the belief that you need to wait?

Jumping! Dancing! Entering the heat!

Willing to see what happens next, with no mental plans. Making an offer, asking for what I want, connecting with others, feeling delighted with what I love.

Trusting what will be. Surrendering to what is. Having a universe that’s waaaaaaay bigger than me. Peaceful, steady, quiet, joyful.

I turn the thought around: I do not need to wait, I can take action.

I’ve noticed when I have no right and wrong, when it’s not possible to make a mistake anymore, when I’ve questioned my assumptions…

…more possibilities spring forth. The creativity is almost so great, I’m bursting with ideas.

I’m not making any action happen, it’s happening of its own accord.

Everything moving with balance. Sometimes sound asleep, sometimes wide awake.

“It’s a curious place to be (especially in the beginning) not to be driven by anything–pleasure or displeasure, helping or hurting, loving or hating. The only thing that will move you (and I don’t mean to be too poetic about this) is the same thing that moves a leaf hanging from a tree. It’s simply because the breeze blows that way. So you always know what to do: The breeze blows that way, and that’s the way you go. You don’t ask questions anymore. You don’t evaluate why the breeze is blowing that way because you know that you don’t know why. And you know you can’t know why. There’s never been a leaf anywhere that knows why the wind blows that way on that day at that moment.” ~ Adyashanti

I don’t really know if I need to question my thoughts, or move, or go left or right. All I do know is that when I’m freakin’ out, I am believing in things that scare me and it hurts. In that situation, there’s no peace.

When I’m peaceful (and oddly, this includes being OK with feeling afraid) life is so much more fun.

“There are two ways to live your life, one is stressed out, one is not. One hurts, one doesn’t.” ~ Byron Katie

In the present moment, I act, I move, I am still, I do The Work…who knows until I get there. No way to know why or how or when, until now.

If you do notice that you’d like to set aside 90 minutes a week for group inquiry together, and see how that affects the action you take in your life (or non-action) then come on board on Fridays 9-10:30 am pacific time for a Year of Inquiry.

The Closeness in Inquiry

“I was just thinking about how much I love all you amazing people in our group. It’s funny that I feel so much closer to you than I do many of my friends!” ~ YOI participant

Much love,

Grace

February 21, 2014

If It Weren’t For My Flaws–I Wouldn’t Be Here

A darling inquirer connected with me on skype at our usual hour. She was in her hot, tropical, southern hemisphere…me in my cool, wet, green pacific northwest.

She had begun her personal facilitated inquiry with me because her career felt boring, blase. Like coasting.

She wanted more excitement, accomplishment, and pleasure in her life. And she had a really good-paying job and a nice house.

But she was stuck between imagination of this bigger, dreamier, exciting future….and feeling like she didn’t want to ruffle things up too much, shake her stable life too loose, burn out, have no free time.

“I get home after a long day’s work, I think about writing my book, making more money, visiting foreign places, connecting with friends….but then I feel tired. So I eat. And watch TV. And research on the internet.”

I wondered if she was afraid of something. Stuck between doing and not doing. Not liking this here, the way it is, and not liking what she might have to do to get away from this conundrum.

Fear can sometimes show up in subtle ways.

Nothing huge has to happen. There’s no trauma, no explosion, no dramatic change.

But there is a holding on, wanting guarantees, not liking it to get too uncertain or precarious…..

….like for me when my part-time job had ended, and it looked like I would need a full time job instead. Because I might be getting a divorce.

I couldn’t live on part-time income (IF I wanted to pay for my house, car, phone, groceries and heat).

I was sitting in my living room. The couch was an old brown, run down worn couch that was a fancy Brazilian furniture designers couch in the 1960s, in my parents’ house.

Now I was living on the borrowed, hand-me-down furniture from the same house in which I grew up. It used to be designer. Now, it was threadbare and uncomfortable.

Like my thinking.

I really should have planned better financially.

I should have gotten a job sooner, after giving birth to my kids. I should have picked a career more clearly. I should have gone to medical school like I considered. I shouldn’t have been too nervous to go to med school, or too much of a mess. I should have not been so innocently relying on other peoples’ incomes, like my soon-to-be-former husband.

The thoughts of self-criticism and all the ways I might have prevented this predicament piled up on me like a mountain of garbage.

You’re an idiot. You’re too mean. You’re too critical, bossy, lazy, opinionated.

If only you weren’t so flawed, you wouldn’t be in this position.

Ouch.

My client had many volumes of thoughts about herself being lazy, worthless, insignificant, small, a failure, pointless, wrong, immature, burdened.

Just like me and my own thoughts….they’re like a fire hose and full volume, all aimed at protecting and preventing pain.

Back then, sitting on that old 1960s couch wondering if I could sell it….I had The Work questions, thank goodness.

I asked myself, or it just came to me because I was doing The Work a lot, “who would you be without these thoughts of self-hate?”

Without trying to stab myself with a knife (with mean words) who would I be, right now, knowing I wanted more money….or a more exciting life, a more adventurous life, an untethered life, a more creative life?

Stop and think about it.

When I asked my client this thought….she was very quiet for a long time.

“I would sit here and wait, I guess. I wouldn’t have an inner battle with doing and not doing. I would be more relaxed. I would notice that I like many things in my life, and think about doing more.”

Without the thought that I am incapable, or unworthy, or stupid…I feel very innocent. I feel like I absolutely love this moment, this day.

Strange, but without the thought that I should have prevented this moment, that where I am is my fault, I’m more in the present.

And how do I treat this universe, my world, the way of this reality, when I do not buy those self-flagellating thoughts?

If I couldn’t believe that I am a bad person, in any way, or that I can’t handle what’s happening, that I’m not enough for myself…I notice that my whole entire body and nervous system relaxes.

“Trying to earn your own love is just as painful as seeking the love of others, and the results are just as unsatisfying. And undoing the search works the same way. When you sincerely question your unexamined thoughts about yourself, love just happens…..You can’t force this process; you can only inquire and find out what’s true.” ~ Byron Katie

My client breathed a very deep breath and considered who she would be in that moment upon arriving home after her work day without the thought that she should work on her book, or she shouldn’t feel tired, or she should DO something different….or that she should be less critical, more loving, careful, brave.

Laughter rose out of her, and we were both laughing.

The following week, she reported that for no apparent reason, she had worked a total of six hours on her book, cleaned out her closet, bought a vacuum replacement part, looked at maps of San Diego where she had thought about moving for years, and eaten less.

She had also thoroughly enjoyed watching some TV.

“Love is not a doing. There is nothing you have to do. And when you question your mind, you can see that the only thing that keeps you from being love is a stressful thought.” ~ Byron Katie

Who are you, without the thought that you have to do something, be someone, think something, say something, feel something DIFFERENT than you feel….in order to be “good” and earn your own love?

I know I keep sayin’ it…but if you want help with this from month-to-month with a small group with facilitation to keep you looking at what you dislike in your life, including YOUR (APPARENT) FLAWS…come join Year of Inquiry.

Much love,

Grace

February 20, 2014

When In Doubt–Lean Inside

Have you ever pondered a decision, flipped back and forth, written lists of pros and cons, agonized, consulted others on what to do?

Just about all of us have done this at least one time: what will be my major, should I go to that school, is breaking up with him a good idea, should I stay, when is the best time to start that program, is this place or that place better, do I choose the blue one or the pink one?

How can I decide? Yowsers!!

Even if you don’t have much trouble “making” decisions….

…you’ve probably had at least one biggie that took more than five minutes to make.

In one of the sweet and powerful YOI (Year of Inquiry) Groups recently, one of our participants asked if they could bring a new friend to the in-person weekend retreat.

The people of YOI meet for these twice a year, unless someone YOI lives miles and miles away (England, Toronto, Michigan, New York, Hawaii….although one member is traveling from Florida…I think distance may be less important than we THINK).

I had to stop and consider the question.

Can someone in YOI bring a friend to just the retreat?

My process: check in with gut, still uncertain, call the requester and have a conversation, still uncertain, hear from other members of the group, still uncertain, consult a wise and detached mentor, still uncertain.

And then….holding the whole group in mind and deeply feeling what is created here with people committing, joining, investing, and being a part of something for a whole year…

…I knew the answer was No.

But oh! I could disappoint the wonderful inquirer who made the request!

Hand wringing, hand wringing.

If you have known that you needed to say “no” to someone, no matter how incredible they are, then you know it’s not personal.

Saying “no”, deciding not to go for it, taking the left turn not the right turn, saying goodbye, quitting that job, telling them “thank you, and no”….

….these are powerful moments. You may not know what you are moving towards, you simply know you are moving away….

It was a very early spring, almost violently bright sunny morning in February in Colorado. My dorm room was warm, the high mountain air dry. I quietly packed my final clothing into my suitcase under my bed.

My roommate was already gone, working out early before she went to church.

A dear young man, Sean, who had carved a beautiful wooden GRACE by hand for me for my recent 19th birthday, was waiting for me in the parking lot in his mom and dad’s station wagon. The smoke formed clouds from the tail pipe.

I had met Sean at the local church youth group in town, off campus.

For all the months here at school, I had tried hard to have fun.

I had tried to work hard, but I was having a nervous breakdown, or a life-break-down, I didn’t know what. I was at the church youth group every Wednesday and Sunday with people and families who didn’t know me from the college. I couldn’t concentrate on my classes. I was obsessing about food worse and worse.

Now Sean was driving me to the airport.

That day, I knew to leave. I knew to head home, to Seattle. Where the sun wasn’t so blinding. And neither were my thoughts.

That was a very, very hard decision.

I was leaving an excellent, high-level small liberal arts college in one of the most beautiful places in the country.

Sometimes, saying No is life-changing and dramatic, and twists you up in knots.

What a grand place for The Work.

Is it true that I shouldn’t or should say NO? Is it true that I shouldn’t or should say YES? Is it true that I need to decide? Is it true that I could make a mistake?

Help Help Warning Warning!!

(Sound effects: Big Honking Fire Alarms Going With Red Lights Flashing!)

Are you sure this is “difficult” and are you sure you don’t really know which way to move?

No. I do know.

“What you start to get used to, very subtly at first, is almost like an inward leaning. There’s an inward leaning, one way or the other. You just feel that the Infinite is inclining toward one direction. Then your mind wants to know, “I feel it is going in that direction. Is that the right direction? Is that true? Is it all going to work out for me?” The interesting thing about the way the Infinite moves is it never answers those questions, does it?” ~ Adyashanti

Who would I be without the thought that it’s hard to decide, or it’s difficult to say no (or yes), or that something bad will happen, or that mistakes could be made, or that you have to decide NOW!?

Peaceful, very quiet, hearing in the silence the way to lean.

Willing to pause, be gentle. Feel.

Feeling loving kindness and care arise as a leader, a gatekeeper (in this YOI story).

Turning the thoughts around….there is no past and no future, no need to THINK heavily, with effort, nervousness, anxiety.

No expectations, no analysis here, I am present. I say one thing, I say another the next day. Things unroll the way they need to, gathering the input, all in the right timing, everything unfolding.

You will know when deciding happens, or change, or turning back, or moving forward.

“When you become a lover of what is, there are no more decisions to make. In my life, I just wait and watch. I know that the decision will be made in its own time, so I let go of when, where, and how. I like to say I’m a woman with no future. When there are no decisions to make, there’s no planned future.” ~ Byron Katie

Wow. With no future….ahhhhhhh…letting life have you.

To come join our YOI family, click here. Yes, it’s a whole year, a new topic every month. Telegroups on Fridays 9-10:30 am Pacific Time. Email grace@workwithgrace.com to have a conversation and learn more.

Much love,

Grace

February 19, 2014

Wiping Away That Sweet Dream In The Future

I noticed a joyful zing of excitement and happiness flash through my chest the other day when thinking about the upcoming in-person March retreat for Year of Inquiry folks.

We’ll be gathering in a month for the weekend, in Seattle.

Not everyone has met, maybe they’ve only known one another from our phone calls together, or maybe they are brand new and just starting in a few weeks on the journey.

But all of them will be coming together to question their thinking, to investigate their consciousness, their beliefs, their mindset, their complaints.

It’s intimate and vulnerable. The goal is unknown.

The hopes are sometimes huge: making it through divorce, finding a meaningful career, finding balance in the body like weight loss, quitting an addictive process, finding ease with our children and being an awesome rockin’ parent, finding a mate, making more money, eliminating anger, or fear.

People have their dreams and desires, and so does everyone in YOI. And many others.

I do too.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m a bit of an (extreme) introvert. However, I adore people. I’m good all day long without ever talking with a soul, I sort of lean that way naturally.

Nevertheless, connecting with humanity is very important to me.

Being a good facilitator of the group process, of a group organism or a family, being an effective leader, is really, really meaningful for me.

It’s my Mama Grace nature coming out.

So I have a confession to make.

I sometimes worry about my clients, my program attendees, the people in YOI, my classes….

….I want people to feel the joy of being held while they find what is just right for them on their journey, of being supported even though they are in many ways alone on their unique adventure.

I want them to feel this incredible joy of moving in their life fearlessly…even if they feel afraid sometimes (which I guess means it’s not fear-less, right?)

Sometimes this feeling has a little edge of angst.

I hope they are finding what they need, what they’re looking for. I hope they shine, I hope they take off like a rocket ship and discover who they are is dynamite!

Parents often inwardly hope this for their kids.

Best friends hope this for each other.

And what happens if the person whom you hope finds what they are looking for….doesn’t?

An excellent place for inquiry, don’t you agree?

I hope he feels safe, secure, comfortable, thrilled
I hope she feels loved, cherished, powerful, deserving
I hope they feel excited, bonded, content, connected
I hope we feel thrilled, touched, moved, evolved

How do I react when I hope for these things….and they don’t seem to be manifesting?

Humph.

Just a wee bit full of waiting. Not quite HERE.

I’m talking about the part that’s a small voice, but slightly full of wanting for these end results to occur.

Like the little kid that says “Come on everybody! I want everyone to be happy!”

A memory, an image, returns of wanting my dad to be joyful and no longer depressed, of wanting my mom to be thrilled instead of angry.

But who would I be without the these thoughts of hope?

Ahhhh….if there was no hope….

What could be wonderful about that?

“When you become a lover of what is, there are no more decisions to make. In my life, I just wait and watch. I know that the decision will be made in its own time, so I let go of when, where, and how. I like to say I’m a woman with no future…..For forty-three years, I was always buying in to my stories about the future, buying in to my insanity.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the thought of any hope for the future, for myself or for anyone, I enter the complete unknown.

I have a sense of happiness about the upcoming retreat, mystery, openness, and joy NOW, in this moment.

Without hope for anyone, or for me, I feel the destruction, the end of something…and the end of neediness, urgency, grabbing.

Deep breath.

This is fine, here, this reality, this now.

“Overcompensating is a way to avoid all of that and to dream a sweet dream that somewhere, someday down the road, all the pain will be wiped away. But in that dream of getting somewhere, you avoid the pain as it arises in your experience right now or that pain or fear that might arise if you begin to see through your dream of future and your mental certainty.” ~ Scott Kiloby

I turn the thoughts around:

Right now he feels unsafe, insecure, uncomfortable and frightened
Right now she feels unloved, dismissed, powerless, undeserving
Right now I myself feel bored, separate, discontent, disconnected
Right now we feel scared, unmotivated, unmoved, unevolved

This is what is here…can I be with this person in pain, can I be with myself in pain…without hoping it will change?

Yes.

“So the very thing you seek keeps you from the awareness of what you already have.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’re interested in exploring, for no apparently hopeful reason, your internal world….

….join Year of Inquiry starting March 7th. I have no idea if it will solve everyone’s problems, but I do know, the journey is strange, unexpected, and magnificent.

Right now.

Much love, Grace

February 18, 2014

Inquiry Brings Me Closer

The other day, a familiar event happened. I was waiting for my son for an hour while he had an appointment.

I was in a comfortable, bright waiting room, with several people reading magazines and books, sitting in soft gray chairs. The lights were glowing bright, while outside the Seattle rain was falling.

Someone asked me, after trading the reason we were waiting for family members…“so what do you do?”

Jeez. What to say.

I ask people questions, I help people with stress reduction, I’m like a counselor only different, I offer a form of personal inquiry, I facilitate misery-reduction using the mind, I offer mindful questioning of painful thinking, I help people change their lives by asking them questions about their own thinking.

Out loud I said…”have you heard of The Work of Byron Katie”?

No, she had not.

No one else in the waiting room looked up from their magazines, or had any looks of recognition.

OK, back to Option #1.

Sometimes a smile breaks over someone’s face as they recognize the work, or they’ve read Loving What Is. Then there is no need to explain.

But really….once I say that I work with people by asking them questions and allowing them to discover what is true for themselves when it comes to their stressful or painful thinking…

…then almost everyone finds it curious, interesting, and they want to know more.

Or they say “I could use some of that!”

The thing is, even for someone who has never, ever heard of The Work, this type of deep personal inquiry has been practiced for centuries, in varying formats.

Almost every single person has wondered why some things are the way they are, why they behave this way, why other people behave or think that way….and what is going ON around here (on planet earth)?

Humanity adores a good question.

It brings out the most wonderful, profound answers. And good questions bring alive a movement of looking, creativity, pondering, wondering, sharing conversation.

But when you aren’t sure of the answer…or your brain takes off into coldesacs and dead ends…

…you can easily give up.

All you know is, you feel pain, you feel worried, afraid, or very sad, and one of the most natural things to do is try to feel better ASAP.

Distract yourself! Do something pleasurable! Change the channel!

The last thing you want to do is get asked a bunch of personal, deep, hard-to-answer questions.

And yet….I had nothing left to do but to answer these questions when I was so fearful about many things in life.

Having The Work gave me a simple plan. It gave my fast mind a job.

Here, oh mind, go at it. Take a look. Find out what’s being assumed here and take it away.

The very first question in the series known as The Work is this:

Is It True?

This question alone can stop that panicking mind that never considered this before.

The Work might be four questions, and then finding turnarounds for your painful, stressful, disturbing thoughts and mindset…but it’s not that easy to “get” in five minutes.

It’s kinda complicated!

“After doing The Work, many people report an immediate sense of release and freedom from thoughts that were making them miserable. But if The Work depended on a momentary experience, it would be far less useful than it is. The Work is an ongoing and deepening process of self-realization, not a quick fix.” ~ Stephen Mitchell (husband to Byron Katie)

After I got introduced to The Work, I knew I loved it.

And I still didn’t do it regularly. Can’t I just rest, just stop, just relax?

Yes. That’s the whole point, in the end.

But try to tell the fearful, sad or angry mind to rest, stop and relax. Have you noticed how it doesn’t really understand how?

Or it CAN’T??!

But for me, and for many others, giving my stressful thoughts some questions to answer wound up doing just that…

…slowing everything down, reducing fear, diminishing pain, making things quieter….

…and sometimes, stopping the mind altogether from it’s penchant for stressful, negative, nervous thinking.

“We are entering the dimension where we have control–the inside.” ~ Byron Katie

If you have found that you are intrigued by eliminating your troubled thoughts, by changing your own mindset, by altering your automatic responses to what happens in your world….

….then you may have discovered how exciting it is to do The Work.

But it takes practice, attention, time (or so it seems) and a willingness to look inside and see what’s going on inside your own head to understand your stressful emotions.

After some time of catching on to The Work, I realized just like all the other things I’ve ever loved doing in my life with joy, that I needed to schedule it, set aside time.

Otherwise…I kinda got around to it LATER.

Or only in big crisis, when I was crying, hurt, furious or traumatized.

I wanted not only stress relief, I wanted true freedom.

Freedom from believing all my difficult, frightened thoughts.

The only way I could accomplish this was to get with other people, schedule partner time, sign up for a class, connect with a group to do The Work.

And that’s what I still do now….almost ten years later.

I gather with other people, I have a partner facilitate me, I get a conversation going with my own mind so I can get in touch constantly with my inner world and freeing myself the confines of my own mindset.

I don’t want to be just a conditioned reactive person with no ability to stop, rest and relax.

Will you join me?

Our next Year of Inquiry group begins March 7th, Friday mornings 9-10:30 am pacific time.

We meet via telecalls, 3 times a month, and have an email forum and a different topic every single month: our parents, relationships, money, the body, sickness, pain, jobs, our complaints….

….twelve months of focused, vital, commonly stressful topics to look at clearly and with clarity together, and keep you in The Work all year.

There is still room for more.

If you’ve been wondering how to enter your inner world and stay there, with inquiry, maybe this is your time?

You pay monthly if you like, or one or two lump sums for our year together. Two in-person retreats are optional (we have a ball).

Read all about it here and write if you have questions or you’re ready to sign up. It will be a fantastic 2014-2015 year.

Inquiry Brings People Closer

“When I signed up for the YOI class I had high expectations & goals. They have been exceeded. It is amazing to me to do the work with somebody and not have to listen to a bunch of ego denial bullshit. I get to share & hear what is really going on. So many techniques I have learned in the past ultimately do not break through the ego-barrier, in fact, many bolster it. Inquiry not only brings one closer to self, it brings people closer to each other.“ ~ SW Yoi Participant

Much love, Grace

February 16, 2014

Trapped In Thoughts For Now

A lovely inquirer at the Breitenbush 4 day retreat several years ago said she had a common “problem”.

She was single, but pining over someone.

Until this moment, I didn’t know about how much pining, longing, curiosity, and imagining had been happening in her mind.

It turned out, she had been on a sports team with the person who she dreamed of for two years.

She explained to me how she would see the Other Beloved Person running, moving, talking….and watch them. Open eyes, but quiet, from a distance, wanting more.

Two years? I perked up my ears.

That’s a long time, I thought, and a lot of opportunity to connect and get to know one another. And yet, she had never even had more than a two minute conversation with the person of interest.

Wow…I wondered what was going on?

There she was, dreaming of a potential love possibility, feeling passionate and admiring from a distance, finding pleasure at watching this “other”, but never moving towards that person to ask for more time, even a longer conversation.

Never reaching out with the question: can I spend some time with you?

And then, a wave of sadness crossed her face as she spoke with me, and she said “I tell myself I’m going to go over there and strike up a conversation…..but then I chicken out, over and over. I procrastinate. I say I’ll do it next time.”

I could see the self-criticism piled up on her back like the weight of the world.

She shared a flood of thoughts about how she never acted fast enough, she was too nervous, she put things off too much.

A great stream of self-criticism and frustration with herself came out.

I knew this is common, but tricky…because the self-attack can cover up the potential fear or discomfort we might have of actually doing something.

“We would all change if we knew how. This inquiry is how.” ~ Byron Katie

I could feel myself agreeing with her, nodding. Yes, you should go for it. No, you shouldn’t be so careful. Yes, you should stop procrastinating. Yes, you should ask. No, you shouldn’t wait any longer.

However….what was happening, despite these kinds of ideas about getting oneself to go for it, was no action.

So was it true that this dear woman sitting with me should take action, muster up the courage to make further contact, break through her discomfort, go for it?

No. That is not what was happening.

I might think so. I might think that action would be more satisfying, that procrastinating on this further would be agonizing, that she should speak up.

But I really do not know what is best for this dear inquirer.

I remember Byron Katie talking with a woman once about similar stressful thoughts. The woman said “but Katie, I could never ask that person for attention…it would be so rude.”

Katie responded “then don’t ask”.

No prodding, pushing, cajoling, expecting.

Everyone has their own pace, their own process, their own lessons, growth, insights.

Who would I be without the thought that she would be happier asserting herself?

Who would I be without the thought that something would be better off happening, than NOT happening?

What about my own situations….when I have had the thought that I should take action, but I don’t? That I ought to raise my hand, talk, ask, make a request, speak up, offer my opinion, participate more actively?

Who would I be without the thought that I should do anything, or that it is “right” and “strong” to do so, and “wrong” or “weak” not to do so?

I relax.

Without all the ideas about who should speak up, and when, and what I think would be better…there is an open, alive, very sweet discussion.

We enter the unknown.

We suddenly can see the next layer below…the one that loves the dream, the one not wanting to risk destroying the fantasy, the one that is very simply enjoying, without further contact, a tender, sweet appreciation with nothing more required.

Without the thought that anyone, including you, is procrastinating, then this is a new moment right now.

There is no fear of failure, or a list of what should be happening. A new, empty, open moment. With an idea arising in it. A creative impulse to go THAT way, over there.

I relax commands on myself, treating myself with meanness and harshness like a dictator, and then comes a spark that I could also question the idea that I could lose.

Without one harsh thought, the next stressful thought can appear, and that one can be unearthed.

Without the thought that procrastination is happening and it is bad….this woman sees how afraid she’s been of losing this feeling in her heart of appreciation and love when gazing upon someone from afar.

I could lose something, if I ask somebody for time, attention, help, support, contact….I could receive a “no”….I could get disappointed….

….is that true?

Yes!

Absolutely 100% true?

No.

But who would I be without the thought that I could lose something, lose connection, love, kindness, appreciation by speaking up, by making a request?

Without the thought that I could lose anything….my mind is open and I’m in this present moment.

I can give you some guidance, but I can’t give you any hope. You’re hoping that it will get better at some point in the future (and I’m not saying it won’t) but it has to get better internally NOW….The situation is as it is, but one begins to form a conceptual image of oneself as failing. And as the conceptual image of yourself failing gets strengthened, you experience emotions that correspond to those mental images and thoughts….But if you were not trapped in your thoughts, you could look on this situation as an opportunity. ~ Eckhart Tolle

I love that all that is necessary (and not even necessary) is being here, present and noticing.

Instead of a risk, or a hassle, carefulness, avoidance, or worry about this situation and this thing I want….what if there is an opportunity for something to shift right NOW?

Much love,

Grace

February 15, 2014

Entering A Higher Form Of Intelligence–Together

Only two weeks from today on 3/8: jam session in The Work 1:30-5:30 pm, Seattle. Start from wherever you are. You’ll take a look at something that seems to not be working well, someone you’ve been troubled by, an ongoing problem.

I love that people show up, and go for it.

At least that’s what I love about questioning my thoughts, my feelings, situations that bother me.

In that moment that I take a seat, sit with other inquirers, pull out a pen and paper….I’m going for it.

Being able to be totally and completely honest, with all the anxious, mean, vicious, nasty, terrified, distressed thoughts….even from the distant past….and look at them head on like they are worthy of being addressed is a remarkable feeling.

These are the feelings I used to avoid.

These are the thoughts I used to shove under the rug, or try to distract myself from.

I should just be happy and doing something productive and not thinking negative thoughts and being a good citizen!!

My old mantra when I felt anger, sadness, or fear was “Quick! Look over there instead! Danger Danger! Do Something Else!”

I used binge-eating, running, movies, alcohol, and to-do lists to keep very, very busy.

Last night, I noticed a funny little evening thought.

Outside was a full moon, quiet night air. A friend had come over and she, my husband and I had tea. We ate some chocolate hearts with fortune messages inside. We all wrote letters together.

After hugs and goodbyes, and putting our letters in envelopes, with stamps, she left, and I thought about several other tasks I needed to accomplish for upcoming events.

I could work on them for an hour or so, before going to bed.

But then…seconds later….the thought “let’s watch the next episode of Dexter”.

(Yes, my second television show series in over a decade. It started with getting Six Feet Under from the library two years ago).

Two episodes later it’s almost midnight.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

But I’m reminded how the urge to escape and think about nothing that has anything to do with ME; my interests, worries, success, fears, goals, pain, suffering, tasks, thinking, uncomfortable feelings….

….is incredibly appealing.

ESCAPE!!

And so, something moved to watch the story of what happens next in that story, and now on Saturday morning there’s sitting and being here again, with less drama.

I love that a client will be on his way soon for a session this afternoon, and tomorrow there will be two more sessions, and Monday quite a few sessions with incredible people….spending time in their presence, looking at the mind, staying with it.

I love that the mini retreat is coming in two weeks, because that is what brings me to presence. I plan to sit and do inquiry.

Willing to sit, be here right now. With this busy mind. With this human body.

If you’re drawn, if it would feel like going for it, if it is appealing, interesting, exciting, maybe a little scary, yet you are willing to look…perhaps you’ve exhausted all other choices….

….join me in inquiry.

Whether a teleclass, Year of Inquiry, a mini retreat coming soon, the Horrible Food Wonderful Food weekend in April in Seattle, I am so touched by what we do together.

Simple as it sounds, placing aside the intention to connect with others and do inquiry is very powerful.

All the big coaching success blah-blah books have this in their directives: SCHEDULE IT.

But they are ON to something.

Go to the retreat. Sign up. Say yes. Join others. Allow yourself to be guided. Show up at the meeting. Sit in the chair. Close your eyes. Start writing.

You may find that as you put your boat in the river of looking, as you enter the flow of inquiry….

….you begin to be directed by an order of intelligence that is far beyond the mind, the personal, the individual.

You’re saying “yes” and you enter the silence. And awe.

And it’s more than just OK, it’s beyond belief.

Give yourself the opportunity to get there. You will anyway, there’s no emergency or rush….

…but why not now?

“In ego-land it’s helpful to have an ego that can discriminate between right and wrong, but at a certain point, that’s not what you are operating by. You are operating by the flow of the Tao, which is a higher order of intelligence. You don’t need to intellectually discriminate anymore because the Tao discriminates without discriminating; it knows without knowing; it moves without moving. There is no sense of being enlightened or unenlightened.” ~ Adyashanti

Sign up for Mini Retreat Jam Session by hitting reply to this email and letting me know you’re coming, or sign up for the next teleclass.

Appreciations for Group Gathering in The Work:
“Dear Grace, I so appreciate your teleclass savvy. in my book, you are a model for teleclass giving. This body so appreciates the combined effect of the food teleclass and the work. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.”

“I had no idea I thought I needed money to feel safe and
secure and happy and special and needed and wanted and in control….I appreciate the stress-free but supportive environment you create that allows whatever is up to be welcomed into inquiry.”

“Thank you so much for our group and Grace for such amazing insights and leadership. It’s been a pleasure to let go of so many heavy thought-weights, together.”

Love, Grace

February 14, 2014

Everyone’s A Valentine

The big hand of the clock clicked in place in my kitchen, 7:00 am Pacific Time. The room was still, and my headphones were on, ready for my usual Tuesday morning session.

My laptop did it’s little sing-song ring at the top of the hour, on the dot.

This woman and I had been working together for three years. She hardly ever missed a session.

We could see each other on skype.

“I’m having the same thought again….it isn’t going away.”

I told her to tell me her stressful, sticky, painful situation….and while it was technically new, the same characters were involved as in the past.

Doing the very same things as before. Saying the same things as before.

Here was a new “situation”. New proof. Proof that her belief was true.

He is financially irresponsible.

Her boyfriend. He had debt, bills, a gambling history, had asked her for money and not paid it back, owed rent in five days, had his wages garnished, and was driving a car without a license.

Now, before you roll your eyes and say that Mr. Boyfriend is a loser….like many others in this woman’s life….notice what your own thoughts are about this situation.

She should break up with him, she’s not getting it, he is indeed irresponsible, he’s bad news, there’s something wrong with this, or with her, or with him, she is getting hurt….these thoughts of hers should go away.

I watch how a little voice in my mind immediately comments that it knows what is best.

I know what is best for my client, my friend, my child, my parent, my neighbor, my boss, my co-worker, my spouse.

Especially when someone has a long, repetitive, difficult story where they are reporting that they are suffering.

She should move on, she should quit what she’s doing.

I had another client once who was already broken up with a lover, yet pined for him endlessly. A year had gone by since the end of their relationship. She had entered The Work to try to get over her heart-break.

But every week, she said she felt the same way.

I miss him, I hate being alone, I can’t go on like this, I wish I felt differently, I think about him all the time.

That person should get over it!! Quit doing that!!

Is it true?

Of course! They should wake up, snap out of it, grow up, “get” how to inquire on this, stop hurting themselves, question their thinking, have a shift of consciousness, quit suffering.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true?

No. I do not know their timeline.

I would have loved to snap my fingers and end my eating disorder at age 18, right when it started.

I would have liked to notice that I was in a really volatile, caustic relationship the first weekend I ever went away with that man, but it went on for the rest of the summer and then stretched with several other encounters into the future for a couple of years.

I would have liked to see that one man I had been friends with was a complete raving addict in the first months of knowing him and completely 100% unavailable for any real and genuine connection.

I would have loved to see that the best choice for my kids and family was simple public school instead of being obsessed and fearful for four years about their education.

I’ve had a few repetitive, ongoing, persistent beliefs.

Could I stop them? God knows I tried.

How do I react when I believe someone should get their friggin’ act together and stop believing their repetitive thoughts?

How do I react when I think thoughts should STOP?

Pissy.

When I think I know what’s best for someone….and they aren’t doing it….I feel really irritated. Or I’m frightened, and sad.

I believe I must not be helping, which is also disappointing.

I get angry, I sulk, I threaten, I worry, I wring my hands, I’m anxious.

I see pictures of the future with them feeling horrible, suicidal, dead.

But who would I be without the belief that this person should STOP THINKING THOSE THOUGHTS!??

Without the thoughts that they should do something different than they are doing…..or faster, or smoother, or with more joy, or power?

I would feel the deep compassion of Not Knowing. The Mystery of their human condition.

And I would speak honestly. Because I would have no agenda or expectation or thought about what should happen, whatsoever.

I mean, how could I possibly know anything more than this loving connection, here in this moment, being here now.

“Have you noticed it’s hopeless to dictate peoples’ awareness or behavior?……Reality doesn’t wait for your opinion, vote, or permission, sweetheart. It just keeps being what it is and doing what it does. ‘No! Wait for my approval!’ I don’t think so! You lose, always.” ~ Byron Katie

Turning the thoughts around: she should keep thinking those thoughts, she shouldn’t change, he should suffer as long as he does, I shouldn’t think these thoughts about them, I should break up my thinking (about them)…..

Everything relaxes in an instant. I love the sound of this person’s voice, I love her sincerity, her deep commitment. I honor her dilemma, I’m here with her.

It’s 7:05 am.

“If I think ‘what’s the matter with him?’ there is something the matter with ME in that moment. I’ve just put an obstacle between us. It’s only a thought, but look what my mind does with it….

…..If I don’t love you, I’ve lost my sanity.” ~ Byron Katie

I love you dear Grace Note reader, thank you for being here and making a difference by even considering the question of who you would be without your story about yourself, about other people.

You are one amazing Valentine, no matter how many of the same thoughts you’ve had over and over.

Love, Grace

February 13, 2014

The Truth of My Mediocrity

I was looking into the face of a woman I didn’t know extremely well. Her eyes were squinted and very pale and icy blue. Her voice was low but edgy, a little like she was trying to control herself. Her face was slightly red and shaking.

We were sitting in a conference room of an office building. This was a board meeting for a big community non-profit organization. I was the secretary.

“Some people look really good on the outside, but it’s deceptive. The way they look is much better than they actually are….”

She stared viciously towards me. She was clearly saying it to me even though other people were listening.

I almost wanted to look left and right to see if she was looking at someone else nearby…was there someone standing behind me?

There wasn’t.

A huge electrical surge of adrenaline zapped through my whole body, turning my own face red.

Is she saying that I’m a fake? That I appear to be something that I am not?

My heart was pounding.

I knew this had to do with my poor secretarial skills. I wasn’t keeping up on the notes I was supposed to take and transcribe at every meeting. I wasn’t getting them out on time to the rest of the board.

She was upset. An important deadline had come and gone. It was definitely my fault.

But wait, this was an insult.

What a b*%&#!

Later, I was telling one of my best friends about this irritating fellow board member and her rude, paranoid, critical comments, and the way she looked at me.

I hate her. She’s making something that is supposed to be fun, community service into a chore. I HATE her!

Fortunately, my closest friends all know that I love questioning my thinking. My dear friend said “have you done The Work on this?”

Oh. Well. OK.

Is it true that I hate the woman who was upset with me? Is it true that she is ruining my experience? Is it true that she’s making something into a chore, that was supposed to be fun?

Yes. This has gone very badly. She’s too critical. She’s sooo picky. She’s worthy of my hate, my rage, my irritation, my disappointment. She’s embarrassed me in front of other people.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true, though, that I hate her? That she ruined my participation on that board? That she embarrassed me and messed things up?

No. I don’t absolutely know this. When I met her the year before, I instantly liked her. She asked lots of good questions. She cared about the board.

When I first learned that she had no family for Thanksgiving, I thought about inviting her to mine.

How did I react when I believed that thought that she messed everything up…that she insulted me, embarrassed me, criticized me…and was worthy of my hate?

I stopped looking at her, talking with her, connecting with her. I wrote her off. I made any conversation as short as possible from that time forward.

Too scary a person.

So who would I be without the thought that I hated her? Who would I be without the thought that she was a dangerous person who put me down in front of others?

Without the thought that she was a threat?

Oh boy.

Without the thought, I would notice how powerful her words were, that I was affected deeply, that I may not love hanging out with her, but she called me out to be in complete and absolute integrity.

Without the thought that I hated her, my body relaxes. I realize her words are not daggers. Her opinion of me is not actually important. It doesn’t matter if she dislikes me, or thinks of me as a fraud, or irresponsible with my duties.

She’s right! I’m feeling very insecure with my secretarial position! These people are brilliant on this board, and I feel like an idiot half the time.

I turn the thoughts around that I have about this situation, in that moment, with that woman who dared to criticize me in front of other people….

….I love her. She is making something that is supposed to be fun into a very powerful life-changing experience. I love her!

Because after that time, I got crystal clear on my role on that board, I did my duties so that I knew I was doing my best, I cut the fat, I did exactly what I signed up to do, nothing more and nothing less.

I expended my energy exactly where I wanted to. I didn’t try to act nice or say “yes” to something I really was saying “no” to.

“In virtually every situation where you find yourself blaming, attacking or making someone else wrong, there is an unconscious feeling or sensation in the body that is being avoided. Turn gentle, restful, open attention to the sensation and let it float freely without words. Watch it disappear. Then look at the other person and notice it was never about him or her. It was just about avoidance.” ~ Scott Kiloby

After that, I looked without fear at the idea that I might look more together or better than I actually WAS.

Yes. True. Not so terrible.

If she, or anyone, was saying that I am a liar by looking different than I am…well, it’s true.

I think I want to be perceived as great and amazing, but I’m really not. I think I want to be thought of as a genius, or very kind, or loving…but I’m not (just look at my thoughts about that person)! I think I want to be supportive and helpful, but I’m not.

“It was so wonderful when I really understood that I was mediocre. Oh my goodness, what a balance!” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

February 11, 2014

Is This Tiny Slice Of Life Enough?

“I can’t get anything done”.

A woman with a tear rolling down her face sat on the couch in my little cottage where I meet people for sessions.

She was a mother of three kids (and she was pregnant with her fourth).

The following week, at the mini retreat I offer sometimes on Saturdays, a man who was the head of a huge insurance company said “I should be doing more.”

He had the same deeply unhappy look.

I need to accomplish my goals, I must clean, drive, fix, take care of household items, I should be working on my dreams, I don’t have time, I have to focus on my vision, I should be farther than this, I wish someone else would take care of that.

And then, being washed with all these kinds of thoughts there is an urge to cut and run.

As in, ditch the project.

Like a ton of granite, the weight settles on the shoulders…you’ve just been taking care of kids all day, or working at your job…and all you want is to escape.

Oh for just a little television, or a movie. How about a little bite to eat, or a drink? Perhaps facebook.

But what about your meditation, or exercising, or buying lightbulbs or returning those books to the library?

Just leave me alone! I want to stop and do nothing for once!

I enter the large Victorian house on Elizabeth street in Denver Colorado where I’ve been living for three months. The door is large and elegant, built in the 1920s. It reminds me of my childhood home.

I share this house with four other perfectly lovely, young working single people. Outside it’s been brilliantly sunny all day long, with snow piled along the sidewalks.

No one is home.

The parking area is empty in the back alley.

I am alone.

Two ideas collide: 1) oh good, I can do anything I want without having to converse with anyone, and 2) I should do something productive.

I’m volunteering for student production at the college where I work tomorrow, and I could work on the programs. I could go running in the crisp air. I could write my grandma a letter. I could watch LA Law. I could look at grad school applications.

I drop my bag on the staircase up to the second floor, to my room, and I enter the empty kitchen.

Not even thinking about food, not even hungry really.

The mind chatters about what I should be doing…which by the way, I don’t even have enough time for if I DID do it…but I stay in the kitchen and start eating fat-free red diet jello that I made yesterday.

And then I want to eat some “real” food and I make a small plate of cheese and crackers and take them upstairs. All the while screaming at myself that I should be eating green vegetables instead. And getting something done.

Two hours later, I’m running in the park, jumping over snow drifts, pushing myself hard even though exhausted. I went up and down the stairs eight times, getting more food each time, consuming an entire box of triscuits and then another of wheat thins, a bunch of cheese and ice cream and stealing some of my housemates’ food.

Guilty as usual.

I run for an hour.

Even though I was in counseling and in a therapy group, and knew a lot about self-care….the way I talked to myself was vicious.

I look back now, and remember that young woman as I hear other people have the same thoughts.

Back then, I didn’t ask if it was true that I should do more, and that I wasn’t getting enough done. I just believed it was true…..and I wasn’t.

The same thoughts will run through my mind now and again, only I notice, I simply cannot believe them like before.

Who would you be without the thought that you should be doing more than you are? Without the thought that you need to take action, get on the horse, cross the finish line for that project?

But. Won’t I just lie around like a lazy slob and do NOTHING?

Without these thoughts I might never get ANYTHING done. EVER! I won’t win! I won’t achieve!

I won’t be guilt-free!

Are you sure?

Here’s the thing. Now that I hardly ever believe the thought that I should ever do anything, I do a lot more.

Seriously.

(Ask me right before a workshop is about to start and I might have a different story about done-ness).

Without the thought that I should do anything at all, I’m writing this Grace Note in this moment, hearing the wind chimes sing on the front porch. Feeling the thump of my daughter’s footsteps moving outside past my closed door. Feeling the delicious heat of my black sweater on my arms.

Every little thing alive, ecstatic, like the air is dancing.

Look around right now. Breathe in and feel the room you are in as you read this.

Feel it.

Who would you be without the thought that you need to do anything more, at all? Without the belief that this is not quite enough, there should be more?

“You have to understand that it is your attempt to get special experiences from life that makes you miss the actual experience of life. Life is not something you get; it’s something you experience. Life exists with or without you. It’s been going on for billions of years. You simply get the honor of seeing a tiny slice of it. If you’re busy trying to get something, you’ll miss the slice you’re actually experiencing.” ~ Michael Singer

Turn the thoughts around that you need to do something, that you need to stop procrastinating or wasting time, that you must achieve and do more, that you haven’t gotten enough done:

You need to stop, you should sit here, you do not need to do anything, it’s not your job to get anything special done, it’s not possible to waste time, you can slow way down, you do not have to write that letter, you can get everything done that is necessary.

You are enough. This moment is completely full.

Isn’t that amazing? Doesn’t it make you want to stare at everything, with wonder and joy?

The colors, the sounds, the temperature, textures, sensations, smells…can you see how much is around you?

Could this be enough?

Love, Grace