Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
Posted on

Skip The Middleman–And Find Happiness NOW

If you are seriously considering joining YOI on Friday, it may be daunting to think of committing to an entire year. You may never have worked with me before, or with a small group on the phone or skype.

You are welcome to try it out guilt-free without feeling you need to commit to the entire year, for the month of March only. Write to me to let me know you’d like to try it for our calls in March, just hit reply. We can have an email chat and I’ll let you know how to enroll for March only if you’re pretty serious about YOI.

*****

When I was first beginning to work with people, I felt nervous, tentative, and a push-pull about working with MORE people.

What I mean by that is, I actually felt uncertain enough about building my practice, and meeting new and completely different individuals all the time, with varying issues, that I sometimes wasn’t sure I wanted more clients.

Kind of funny, right?

Yet I knew to survive financially, at least with the life I had of owning a little cottage, supporting two children, and buying food and gas….

….I would need to receive money for my service of working with others.

Even though I loved working with people without getting paid for it at all. I volunteered on the Help Line, I offered free sessions, I did volunteer workshops for business organizations and non-profits in my community.

But as I continued my work with other human beings, I saw that I had some strange and uncomfortable blocks with money.

So the actual “receiving” part was weird. My fees were super crazy low. I’d feel embarrassed about asking for money at all.

I’ve questioned many stressful thoughts since that time….

….stressful thoughts on money, work, promoting oneself, marketing, selling, giving, receiving, buying, charging.

And my thoughts began to open up to other, very different possibilities.

I began to feel much more creative, confident, and valuable, to both myself and to others.

And as this feeling of value grew from inside….so did my value in the physical world.

Even with thoughts that seemed entirely unrelated to money, as I did The Work, my relationship with Reality and with the whole universe, every day, grew more abundant, safe, gentle and loving.

Not having dread of new things, worry about how something might go, sadness about the way something went…

…there is an open humility and softness that I never before experienced.

In the end I found that thoughts I had about money: getting it, earning it, accumulating it, spending it, saving it, asking for it….

….were surprisingly similar to thoughts I had about love, attention and needs…..

….and these thoughts were surprisingly similar to thoughts I once had about food and eating.

  • I need it
  • I want it
  • I must have it in order to be happy
  • I don’t have it now (so I am unhappy)
  • too little is dangerous
  • too much is dangerous

Always pushing for that perfect balance!

Either there was too little or too much! Where’s the middle ground??! ARRRGGG!!!

Just taking one from this list to inquiry can be super powerful.

So pick your item, any time (it’s like the magic tricks–pick a card, any card…)

Money, Love, Food

What do you need this thing to be “right” for? What would you have, if you had enough of it?

What would you have if you had it squared away? Under control?

Well…I thought you’d never ask….I’d have comfort, peace, relaxation, I’d be attractive, secure and care-free.

Are you sure? Is it true?

YES! I’d stop hunting, seeking and striving for more. I’d quit having to feel empty, insecure.

Are you absolutely sure that’s true? Are you sure you’d be happy? That your problems would be solved….if you had money, love and food-and-eating (or that other addiction) all settled in your life?

No. I’m pretty sure there would be different problems, other things to consider, new situations to face, or handle.

There’s always somethin’!!

How do you react when you believe you need something, want something, must have it, are lacking something, or you need to be careful about having too much or too little?

Oh man. Very, very cautious. Nervous, uncomfortable, lost, sad.

Now here’s the Big Question, the one that sometimes is hard to even “get” at first, when you feel nervous:

Who would you be without the belief that getting more of that thing you identified would be good?

What if you came from another culture where there is no need for money, love, or perfection around food and eating?

Without the belief that I need, I want, I must have, I’m missing….

….suddenly I look around the room, and I feel a surge of excitement.

Can you feel it?

What if you knew this was a game, you were OK, and you had all you needed, in this moment right now?

“Absolute completeness surrounds you wherever you go. So there is really no reason to bother yourself about it, except for the fact that we humans have long ago deceived ourselves into such a confined tangle of confusion and disarray that we scarcely even consider, much less experience for ourselves, the divinity within and all around us.” ~ Adyashanti 

You really do have to imagine this for yourself.

All I know is, I can see how every single time in my life I thought all was lost, and I didn’t have enough, or I thought I wouldn’t make it…

…it was OK.

I turn the thoughts around:

  • I do not need it, I already have it or have access to it
  • I do not want it…I want peace…and I already can have peace in this situation
  • I must NOT have it in order to be happy…I’m being invited to something else, something different, something new, something yet unknown
  • I don’t have it now (so I am happy)…could I find happiness for anything right here in this moment? Yes!
  • there is no danger—WOAH! Amazing.
“I have an expression: skip the middleman. And be happy from here.” ~ Byron Katie

 

If you notice you are stuck on some either big or small thoughts about what you might need, or be missing, that you’re SURE would make you happy (and where you are now is unhappy) then try doing The Work.

If it’s hard to “get” or understand, and you’ve tried before but it feels like it’s not sinking in…join Year of Inquiry starting Friday.

Every month we change topics, and we’ll cover Money, the Body, Relationships (love) and many others during our time together.

Much love,

Grace

 

Posted on

Who Would You Be Without Your Scary Story?

The mind is so active, quick, busy, full and engrossed with itself….you’re probably sayin’ “I know! Tell me about it!”

When something troubling happens, mental activity appears to kick in even more than usual: thoughts, images, voices, pictures, planning, suggestions, internal movies.

There’s a Problem.

The mind will go after that problem with a vengeance.

One thing I love about The Work is that when there is a flair-up of excitement, worry or adrenaline….there is something to “do” with the feelings and thoughts that occupies the busy mind.

When something difficult happens in life, often there is a core underlying shout, a belief, that appears.

Maybe it’s not so obvious, but if you ask yourself about a really sad, scary or irritating situation you’ve experienced, then you may find that you really believe one of these thoughts is true:

  • there’s something wrong!
  • I need to change!
  • this is terrible!
  • I can’t live with this feeling!
  • I have to know what to do!
  • I’m not safe!
  • I’m not enough (so I need support, love, money, etc)

When there is a really deep painful belief like one of these coming up, and felt very profoundly inside of you, you may not be able to sleep, sit still, work, talk to friends, stop talking to friends, relax.

You may feel overwhelming urges to avoid thinking about this troubling event by eating, drinking, smoking, watching television, or obsessing about a new relationship.

But like I said, I do like The Work for investigating very deep unsettling beliefs, because I can follow the steps, one-by-one, slowly, and using my imagination to expand my viewpoint.

You get to take this simple action….The Work….and examine your idea that feels so very true.

This situation is terrible, and I need to fix it and know what to do.  

NOW.  

Is that true?

Yes! I’m making check lists, I’m writing out plans, I’m making phone calls, I’m compulsively moving, going, busy, anxious.

Stop.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that this situation is terrible, that I am not happy at all, that I can’t live this way, that I’m not safe?

In the most basic sense, No. I am breathing, living, I am loved, this appears to be part of the human condition (it’s happened to plenty of others).

No. Even if I have no idea what to do, I’m here, now, alive.

How do I react when I believe these core underlying disturbing beliefs?

Like I’m on a racetrack, running…or angry, furious…or very sad, despairing and tearful.

Now here’s the Great Leap to Question Four: Who would I be without these underlying thoughts? If I couldn’t believe them to be true? If they were just not so dang serious?

Who would I be if these thoughts were NOT TRUE?

One thing I say over and over to my clients, that works so well for me, is imagining being a tree.

Trees grow, in just the right amount at just the right time and they do not believe they are doing it wrong, or that they are in danger, even if someone comes along and chops them down.

They are not busy planning how to fix a situation, manipulate, control, change or switch routines.

“Watch any plant or animal and let it teach you acceptance of what is, surrender to the Now. Let it teach you Being. Let it teach you integrity – which means to be one, to be yourself, to be real. Let it teach you how to live and how to die, and how not to make living and dying into a problem.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Even if it feels crazy at the moment…simply consider who you would be without these beliefs that something terrible has happened.

Just the act of entering this imagination, you may notice, changes something ever so slightly within.

Byron Katie suggests that The Work is meditation. It is a waiting, slowing down, stopping, contemplating.

Holding still at some inner place…..even if you are going to the market, preparing your kids’ school lunch, cleaning out the garage, applying for jobs, answering the phone.

Who would you be without that story?

Only 3 days more to sign up for YOI, Year Of Inquiry. If you’d like support with entering the quiet of simply questioning your thoughts, supported by others, then write me at grace@workwithgrace.com.

Much love, Grace

Posted on

Joining YOI Helps YOU Do The Work

Many people have written with questions about the upcoming Year of Inquiry group that starts this coming Friday.

Here’s a summary:

  • We all meet via phone or skype three times a month for 90 minutes, Fridays 9 am Pacific Time
  • We have a private, closed email forum for sharing, questions, breakthroughs and inquiry in writing
  • Everyone in YOI gets to know one another extremely well in a very unique way—not by the usual life details, but through questioning shared stressful beliefs
  • Each month there is a different unique topic for inquiry. We watch a video at the beginning of the month (Byron Katie) and fill out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on a situation in our own life relating to that topic.
  • I partner everyone in YOI with someone else in the group for the month, to trade facilitations. Through this partnering, you learn how to facilitate and be facilitated, and get to know your brethren in inquiry.
  • You can pay monthly, or all at once, or in 3 payments, it’s up to you.
  • There is no written contract for participating, but it’s best if your intention is to stay engaged for a year…and, this is the last YOI that will be in this particular format and this low fee

I created this format because for me, personally, I simply didn’t seem to sit down, write out my thoughts, or slow down long enough….even when I was in pain….to make doing The Work a regular practice.

And I didn’t want to feel desperate for mind-change anymore. I wanted to work with what This is, the life I was apparently living, with a sense of relaxation.

Careful, gentle self-reflection comes easy and quickly to some people.

And then there are the rest of us.

I knew when I listened to Byron Katie on recording, and when I read her book Loving What Is that there was a powerful message.

But I always thought that message was somewhere other than me, like inside Katie herself, or in some other place of wisdom. I thought that doing this work wouldn’t really result in peace unless I got some special insight.

Answer four questions? Then turn what I’m thinking around?

What good is that going to do?! I need bigger guns! I need an inpatient program! I need a fairy godmother! A change of consciousness! Enlightenment!

Are you sure that’s what you need?

What if it really is true that all you actually need, is what all the great teachers have said, including Byron Katie, for all the ages….

…..your own honest answers. Trusting yourself. Being your own best friend.

What if all you need is to honestly clearly identify what it is you are believing and question this, and use YOUR imagination to see another way?

“Self-realization is the sweetest thing. It shows us how we are fully responsible for ourselves, and that is where we find our freedom. Rather than being other-realized, you can be self-realized. Instead of looking to us for your fulfillment, you can find it in yourself……to put The Work into action, begin with the voice inside you that’s telling you what we should do. Realize that it’s actually telling YOU what to do…..There is no peace in the world until you find peace within yourself in this moment.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’ve noticed that you like the idea of doing The Work, but you don’t actually do it (I don’t have time, it doesn’t really work, I get bored, I can’t stay with my answers, so what) then consider joining us.

Year Of Inquiry is here!

Write me at grace@workwithgrace.com to talk about it.

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

I Look Forward To WHAT??!!

Did you notice this week that there were a bunch of days when I did not send out a Grace Note at 5:30 am Pacific time, my usual?

Eeek! I was behind! I was sleeping!

And now, today, apparently…I’m back “On Schedule”.

Ha Ha! As if there is a schedule, that I would know.

Imagining what will happen in the future is a very itchy thought at times. Seeing it go like this, like that, and not wanting it to go like that other less acceptable way.

Or that other terrible, horrifying way.

In the process of doing The Work, the first worksheet for catching stressful thoughts on paper is called the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

As you already know, it’s for filling out all the mean, vile, nasty, vicious, childish, petty thoughts you have about someone or something unpleasant….or awful….in your life.

The very last question on that worksheet is to think about, when remembering a troubling situation that has occurred, what you never want to have happen again, ever, when it comes to encountering that person, or repeating that situation.

It points to the idea that it’s very natural that when a human being gets into a rough situation, they not only wish that it happened in the first place, but also decide thereafter to never let it happen again, if at all possible.

NEVER AGAIN!

I noticed I had this thought, only very mildly without much stress at all, about being “behind” on Grace Notes.

I won’t let that happen another day! I’ll write two in one day! I like staying on plan!

What about bigger worries or risks, though?

  • I don’t ever want to get divorced again
  • I don’t ever want to lose all my money again
  • I don’t ever want to get cancer again
  • I don’t ever want to be betrayed again
  • I don’t ever want to hurt someone again

When looking at the concepts deeply believed on any of our Judge Your Neighbor worksheets, where we got nuts and write them all down, the final step is considering the turnarounds.

You think about the reverse, the opposite, of your belief.

It’s not because you’re a crazy person, it’s because it’s a profound exercise in imagination.

In this present moment, instead of bolstering myself against something terrible happening….instead of keeping myself safe, comfortable, and hidden inside my house….instead of being as small as possible or as careful as possible (very stressful)…

….what if I actually became OPEN, willing, excited, or looking forward to encountering that again?

It doesn’t mean you ARE going to experience it again, it’s a shift inside your body right now, in this present moment.

It’s total and complete surrender, giving up control. Can you imagine the thrill of that?

This may seem really weird, and its simplest if you look at other concepts you have about troubling situations or people one-by-one, before you get to this imagination exercise…

…but wow, what an incredible feeling to let go in the middle of that painful memory:

  • I am willing to get divorced again, I look forward to it
  • I am willing to lose all my money again, I look forward to it
  • I am willing to get cancer again, I look forward to it
  • I am willing to be betrayed again, I look forward to it
  • I am willing to hurt someone again, I look forward to it

Who would you be without the story that you have to make sure to be careful about the future? Who would you be without the thought that you need to follow the plan and keep the schedule?

Perhaps you may notice that you have much less power than you thought, actually. Much less control.

Can you be OK without running things? Without knowing what’s next? With knowing you can’t be the ruler of the universe and dictate what should or should not repeat itself?

Could there be any advantages (it doesn’t mean you are sadistic or masochistic or twisted) to that difficult situation you went through? Did anything come out of it that made you stronger, more actualized, more loving, more mature?

Why, um, yes. 

After my divorce, I discovered an inner mate that would never go away, and had never gone away the whole time. I found out I didn’t really need anybody…and a fabulously new and different kind of man happened to come along who is perfect for me (and it would be OK to have no man in my life as well, seriously).

After I lost all my money, I found a center of passion to get what I needed like never before in my entire previous life.

After my cancer I discovered the extent of friendship, love, connection from unexpected places….and temporary-ness of this life and realization that heaven could be present, even during cancer, and that dying will be an adventure.

After someone betrayed me I stood up for myself and stood up for the truth in a way that taught me to trust myself and feel the depth of my own confidence like never before.

After I hurt someone I learned about the resilience of others, how good it is to tell every iota of truth, relax, feel loved, love instead of hate myself, be tender, open and real.

“If this were your only path to God, would you take it away?” ~ Byron Katie

Without a sense of dread for the future, even being open a tiny little bit that there could be possibility, creativity, wonder, and peace, even with all you’ve been through…

…who would you be right now, in this moment? 

“Not-knowing is true knowledge. Presuming to know is a disease. First realize that you are sick; then you can move toward health. The Master is her own physician. She has healed herself of all knowing. Thus she is truly whole.” ~ Tao Te Ching  #71  

If you find it tricky to question your story, or you have a LOT of them to look forward to repeating…and you need some support in staying in this process of looking and opening to the unknown, then maybe Year Of Inquiry would be perfect for you!

Write me at grace@workwithgrace.com if you want to talk about it.

Much love, Grace

Posted on

The Brutality of Hating Neediness

Recently several clients have been sitting with the very uncomfortable feeling, and idea, that they are longing for attention, approval, connection, contact.

If only that person would have given me more. If only she would have given me a sign that I was supported. If only he would have said he loved me, or given me a hug, or smiled. If only they would have given me a higher grade. If only they would have said I was welcome.

Many of us see the longing inside for being approved of, just for ourselves, without having to “do” anything better, or different.

Long ago, a dear friend was facilitating me through my belief that someone else I knew shouldn’t be so dang needy.

He is so desperate, clingy, full of questions, demanding my attention, insecure, sucking the life from me and other people too, pushing for approval, unstable, dramatic.

He is sooooo needy, it’s so gross, I’m disgusted. Can’t he pull it together and stop being age five? He’s a grown man, for godssakes.

As my friend asked me the questions known as The Work, I started feeling less angry and irritated….

….and more worried.

Uh oh.

Houston, I think we have a situation here.

Neediness is bad. 

Is it true?

Yes. Ewww.

I would never be like that. I will never ask for anything. I won’t impose. I will do everything possible to make sure no one ever, ever thinks I am needy. Because ewww.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that neediness is bad?

Yes. I can hardly stand it when that other person is needy, and I can’t stand it when I myself am needy.

I’ll do The Work right now just to get to that detached place where I find everything I need only inside myself, without ever asking for a single thing…..right?

Um, yeah. How’s that working to have the end result in mind already? The vision of pure, detached, pristine unneediness….ahhhhh.

So how do you react when you believe the thought that neediness is bad?

I RUN AWAY FROM ANYONE WHO HAS BIG NEEDS!

I run away from my own needs. If people are crawling and grabbing for food, I make sure to drop any that is in my own hands, because otherwise I’ll be overwhelmed with grabby consuming energy and they’ll eat me alive!

Get away, slam the door, shut down the engines. Like the submarine at the bottom of the ocean, be super quiet and wait for the Big Seeking Needy energy to pass by overhead.

Not exactly peaceful.

So who would you be without the thought that Neediness is Bad?

Pause.

Hard to even find it at first. I wait.

I imagine clingy needy man in my presence saying “I am desperate, I neeeeeeeeeeeed you.” But without the thought that his neediness is bad, wrong, horrible or impossible.

Dang. That is weird. Very different.

Without that thought that the needs of someone could be bad for me, in any way, I’m not shutting down. I’m not frightened. I’m up on the surface of the ocean, open to the sky, the water, the sea, the other crafts, the life. Not hiding under the surface.

Without the belief that neediness is bad, I have compassion for that person who thinks he is desperate, and I also know that he is OK.

I feel the Yes or No within me to move towards that person, or not.

No emergency.

No emergency for my own needs, but no ignoring them either! If I am thirsty, I get up and go get a glass of water.

If I would like someone to say “I love you, you are awesome at x, I appreciate your contribution” then I might ask people I know for genuine, honest feedback and let them know I would like them to share positive feedback because I’m afraid, for now, of the negative (if I am).

I might laugh, with joy and humor, and my own mundane needs and neediness. I would honor them. That is where I am, at that moment. It’s OK.

Turning the thought around: Neediness is Good. 

Holy Moly, really?

Well, I know it’s good to experience the sensation of hunger (I used to think it was bad). Because then I go find some food, which it turns out is generally necessary on this planet, for me.

Who am I to oppose the way of it, the way of reality that appears to have hunger/fullness, wanting/satisfaction, desire/manifestation, hoping/end of hoping?

“Why should we go looking for more than we are, when we are what we are looking for? Beware of a misguided longing, for it leads in the end to brutality.” ~ Adyashanti 

Thank you, neediness, for driving me out to somewhere else, for it shows me that everything is temporary that I want to grab. It shows me the brutality of my own mind’s secret disappointment.

Byron Katie tells a story of seeing a stranger in a shopping mall, and feeling horrified at the woman’s age, pain, stench, and slowness.

Katie said as she saw this woman and felt trapped, that inquiry arose almost immediately.

“What would I be without the thought?….The horror was equivalent to a deep gentleness, a caressing, a full, immovable acceptance. There was no discomfort. It began, from its new position, to celebrate the whole life of itself, to love itself….There was no longer even the slightest desire to be anywhere else.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the belief that neediness of any kind, in any way, should not exist….I am not against your need, the body’s need, the heart’s need, the neediness that is believed to be true.

I feel neediness with a gentleness, a caressing, a full, immovable acceptance, and know that all is very, very well and nothing is required.

Year of Inquiry starts in one week only. I will close enrollment on Thursday, March 6th. Click here to read more about it. Year of Inquiry YOI.

If you are deeply interested, then please email me grace@workwithgrace.com to have a conversation to make sure it’s right for you.

Member of YOI: “It still amazes me to be so well received. I feel closer to you all than people I have known for decades. What a gift you all are and I thank my lucky stars!”

Much love, Grace

Posted on

I Have To Do Something! Like Eat!

Since I’ve been teaching the Eating Peace teleclass (next week is our last group) I’ve thought once again about that strange, terrible and rather amazing experience of being overwhelmed with compulsion, the belief that I MUST DO THIS or I MUST HAVE THIS that descends in a binge.

This doesn’t happen with only binge eating. There are many other activities that people experience as compulsive, obsessive, trance-like activities.

There are the ones we all know about: eating, smoking, drinking, gambling, exercising, pornography, internet surfing, television…

…but it’s not the actual activity or substance that’s the “problem”.

If you went to live on the moon, where they don’t have any alcohol, then the substance of alcohol might be gone, but what was the reason you were drinking it in the first place?

Because there are reasons.

At a deep level, the reason I used to binge-eat and feel totally out of control was because I was panicked about my feelings.

I was truly terrified of quite a few things: people criticizing me, the unknown of the future, my sense of being lost and separate in a difficult world, my thoughts that life is hard, brutal and scary.

I was very afraid of the lack of love I experienced, and when it came on really strong….I ate.

It’s the same with someone who uses drugs, smokes something, or who can’t stop thinking about a love relationship.

(I’ve heard this called a “love junkie”. That sounds about right. Been there, done that, too).

It can feel difficult to get at the root “problem”, the core of the experience.

But here’s the good news: you don’t have to fully know what the problem actually is.

You can very simply know that you are scared, muddled, confused, terrified, angry, despairing….and your thoughts about feeling these kinds of feelings is that you can’t stand it.

Quick! Change the channel! I’m frightened!

Next thing you know, you’re stuffing your face, or thinking about beer.

Recently, when I heard of Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s death from heroin, after 26 years sobriety, I wondered what was going on in his life that he thought escaping was the best plan.

Escaping from his feelings. Escaping from having to “stand it”.

In 26 years of not using, my thought is that he distracted himself in other more subtle, less destructive ways all that time. But it was still distraction. Avoidance.

I’ve met people who can’t stop taking self-improvement workshops, or attending non-dual speaker events. Ahem. Oh right. That might have been me.

With The Work, I love taking this powerful, brilliant, creative “mind” and considering the simple belief “I have to do something.”

Is it true?

Are you positive you have to do something to help you stop being anxious, afraid, or confused in this moment?

Are you sure you have to do anything, at all?

Who would you be if you didn’t believe you have to do anything? If you sat in a chair until you got up because you want to, not because you have to?

Even if it looks like someone thinks you’re horrible, you’ve had a great loss, you’ve got a disease, you’re a bundled of inexplicable feelings, you aren’t enlightened yet, you aren’t a good person (I’d question that)…

…who would you be without the thought that you have to do something, like eat?

What might happen then? If you feel frightened, and did nothing?

“With inquiry, it can’t be learned like ‘a way’. It can’t be controlled. There’s nothing you can ever know about it. You ask the questions and you don’t ever know what’s going to come up. That’s why it’s so difficult for some of you to answer the questions. You’re entering a universe that you cannot control. So we try to figure it out before we answer it, and that keeps the answer underneath it, it keeps the mystery hidden. And we’re afraid of what we can’t know, or control. Inquiry is new territory.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’re frightened, like I once was (and still am sometimes) to sit and be with the unknown, without doing anything, and you’re not sure if you will explode unless you do….

….and you’d like to stay in inquiry with the mystery out there ahead of you….

….start today to be with questions, instead of answers. Is it OK not to know what’s going to happen, or what you should do, and that you can’t stand it?

“You work on this for your freedom, not to get something.” ~ Byron Katie

“There are no requirements and no prerequisites to awaken. There is nothing to be done, nothing to think, nowhere to go.

Just stop all dreaming. Stop all doing. Stop all excuses. Just stop and be still. Effortlessly be still. Grace will do the rest”. ~ Adyashanti

If you’d like to sit with the questions without running, even by staying in them every week with a group on the telephone together….then Year of Inquiry YOI. It starts March 7th.

Much love, Grace

Posted on

Your Inner Operating System Loves You

Strange the mind and this thing called “thinking”. What is thinking?

It often appears to have sound…a voice, or many voices, a direction out in front, an energy in the head, a force pulling inward into someplace dark.

Someone says “hold on, I need to think!” and we know they are saying they want quiet. Thought overload. Fast thought.

The other day I went to a movie called Her. Friends had recommended it.

I was intrigued when they said that a man falls in love, and has a relationship that actually evolves, with a Voice. His Operating System, an artificial intelligence, called Samantha.

Samantha the OS, of course, and lives inside his computer.

While there are many short little lines in the movie that made me laugh (such as “falling in love is a form of socially acceptable insanity”) there was one interesting.

This man ventures off to a hideaway cabin in the woods, in deep snow. Inside this cabin is warmth, light, movement, safety, a hot kettle. Outside the cold is bitter, the snow so deep it’s way above his knees.

In this scene, the man is alone, apparently, with a body. But his mind is talking, connecting, laughing with his operating system. He’s thrilled to go on this adventure into the wild, out of the city and away from daily life.

One of his friends had pointed out that he was man on the outside but woman on the inside. True, when you consider he has this very powerful and loud female voice in his ear.

And what’s it like when WE go somewhere by ourselves? When we go to a cabin, or a room, or on a walk, or even reading a book, or writing on a computer?

Is there not a Voice, or several voices, talking?

Don’t you sometimes long for one voice to rise above the others that feels loving, kind, that knows you well and is imminently and unconditionally concerned with your best interests, and with understanding you, and who sees the world as a wonderful place to explore?

Because the thoughts that we are bad for ourselves, or we make “bad” decisions, or that the world is detached or dangerous, are often unbelievably painful. Also heavy, depressing and lonely.

Then on top of the mean, vicious self-critical thoughts, we’ll also feel guilty that we’re having those thoughts at all.

When Those Mean Voices are inside the cabin with us, who the heck wants to go hang out in a cabin in the snow, right??

But a really loving, intimate, supportive voice that asks questions, listens, offers answers, and wants to explore….that kind of inner voice is luscious.

And that’s the voice that you can bring to The Work.

Wait. Before you start thinking you don’t HAVE an inner gorgeous OS that’s just right for you….let’s consider with The Work.

Say you are freaked out, anxious, enraged, abandoned, full of despair, horrified, frightened….

Well, there’s a voice talkin’ and it may not be the most supportive one you’ve ever tapped into. It may be the worry wart, or the one that believes in violence as a motivator. It probably believes that something has to change, maybe drastically, or else….

  • I’m too self-critical
  • I sabotage myself
  • I’m my own worst enemy
  • I’m too (quiet, greedy, addictive, nervous)
  • I should be more confident
  • I can’t stop “x”
  • I can’t stay motivated
  • I’m an idiot

So, is it true?

Yeah. I’ve been here over and over again. Just the fact that I repeat negative self-criticism is idiotic. It’s true.

Are you sure?

Well. First of all, who are you referring to, this “I” that is an idiot? This “I” that can’t stop, that isn’t confident, and is flawed?

Is all of you too greedy, quiet, selfish, addictive, or upset? Are you sure you’re the ruin of yourself?

No.

Even if you answered “yes”, keep going.

How do you react when you believe you are “x” and it must stop? How do you react when you think you are flawed, and need to snap out of it, get a clue?

I thought this over and over again when I had an eating disorder all those years ago. I believed I shouldn’t binge, smoke, drink, or harm myself.

Whip, whip, whip.

When I believed these thoughts, one way I reacted was that I thought finding a Nice Voice would be a huge relief. I believed that kind, loving voice was somewhere else, not here.

It’s kind of needy, seriously.

Who would you be without the thought that you are too “x”? That you have a mean inner voice? Or that you are needy?

Without the thought that you need to fix this ridiculous being that you are….

….you may just stop, puzzled, curious, waiting.

Without the thought that you are a jerk, or needy, you may find that you’re open to NOT having the company of anyone except YOU.

You may find yourself to be quite interesting. Fascinating. You may like empty space, silence, other people, and be basically fine with what happens.

I turn the thoughts around and feel them, and find examples:

  • I’m NOT too self-critical
  • I save myself
  • I’m my own best friend
  • I’m NOT too (quiet, greedy, addictive, nervous)
  • I shouldn’t be more confident
  • I can stop “x”
  • I can stay motivated
  • I’m brilliant

Could these be just as true, or truer?

Yes. And you can feel them. Find the benefits of being these things that you were considering to be flaws.

You’re not even sure what this “I” is, so maybe suddenly the goofiness of that might come clear. If the other Mean “I” is evident, the equal and opposite Loving “I” is also evident, in this world of duality.

Who would you be right now in this moment if you were your own best friend?

And what if you don’t even need your own friendship? Are you still breathing?

“Your inner voice guides you all day long to do simple things such as brush your teeth, drive to work, call your friend, or do the dishes. Even though it’s just another story, it’s a very short story, and when you follow the direction of the voice, that story ends. We are really alive when we live as simply as that open, waiting, trusting, and loving to do what appears in front of us now.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’d like to get on a telegroup call three times per month and have a collective committee of voices all of whom are supporting your operating system (or dismantling your critical beliefs)….then come join YOI. It starts March 7th.

Much love, Grace

Posted on

The Delusion of Being In Charge

Only 10 days until YOI Year of Inquiry JOY. Read the details HERE.

Quite some time ago I either read or heard somewhere the story of the little sailboat that represents one’s own life trajectory. You may have heard this same little metaphor….

If you were a little boat sailing across the wide expanse of life, the huge open ocean, every little tiny choice or movement, during any single day, points your sailboat in a certain direction.

In a journey across the open sea, the captain, or the person at the helm, would be doing all that was necessary to stay on course.

You know where you’re going. You’re on the way. All your gizmos and gadgets are pointed to THAT country…the one you think you’re aiming for.

The story told is that your wee boat, even if it changes course one-half of one degree, will wind up in another country altogether.

The shift of one-half of one degree is imperceptible today. The boat looks like it’s in the water, pointed in the same direction, with no apparent change.

But over time, if there is a new ever so slight new course taken….

….one enters different territory.

Now, the way I like this story, that feels very positive and fun, is that there needs to be no massive “change” right now to wind up somewhere completely different.

No gigantic shift, no nervous breakdown, no wild shift of consciousness, no completely mind-bending mind-altering state, no lottery winning, no explosion of awareness, no stunning awakening, no tragedies (unless there are).

No.

Just a little tiny butterfly flutter of something…different.

For me, The Work has more often been like this than like some dramatic change.

The first question alone…Is It True?….is pause for a deep breath.

Could what I am believing, in this moment, be false? If I think it’s true, am I sure? Am I completely positive that in that past uncomfortable situation, I wasn’t safe, it should have gone differently, or that it went horribly for me?

Was I actually a victim of unfortunate circumstances?

And what is happening now, in this moment? Am I OK? Is peace possible, with what is going on? Is love present, even if things seem pretty rough?

Has this happened to others in the human race, and they made it through?

Because here’s my reality of loss: my father died fairly young of leukemia, my marriage fell apart, I lost my beautiful house and all my savings and money, I got a cancerous tumor on my right leg (that bloody right leg), a dear friend made a shocking false accusation, I was bulimic long ago and suicidal, I lied to one of my favorite people in the world, I was too insecure to go to medical school.

In every single one of those instances….and many more that I didn’t even list….I carried on.

I’m still here. Right?

The world is a dangerous place, bad things happen, suffering occurs….is it true?

YES. It’s TRUE! I have suffered! Other people suffer! Awful things happen! Its an unfriendly universe!

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that I have 100% suffered? Or is it my mind that has suffered? Am I certain that I am a victim, caught in a ridiculous chaotic tragedy?

Could there be another possibility? Could reality be friendly?

I am not saying to think positively or fakey fake smiles. This is not a Lets-See-The-Bright-Side exercise.

In those dreadful situations, it appears that great loss happened.

But honestly, I am not absolutely fundamentally sure that there isn’t something more, something different than the usual way I’ve looked at All This. Or something less. Or something beyond my usual conditioned way of looking.

I can’t be 100% sure. Even if I think I’m sure, in one more moment, things could change.

Who would you be without the thought that your come-to-Jesus moment, as they say, is a horrendous, good-for-nothing moment, that there is no peace possible when something difficult happens?

“Thought tells us who we are; what we believe; what is right and wrong; what we should feel; what is true and what is false; and how we fit into this event called “life.” We literally create ourselves and our lives out of thought. Further, we associate the end of thought with sleep, unconsciousness, or death. It is this very personal relationship with thought that is the cause of all the fear, ignorance, and suffering which characterizes the human condition, and which destroys the manifestation of true Love in this life.” ~ Adyashanti 

All I know is that right now, in this present moment, without the belief that all those bad things MEAN that life sucks and is filled with suffering….

….I notice I am in a room, sitting on a small white leather couch in my cute little cottage, feeling my body relax and touch the air and space around it.

I think of upcoming events with relaxation, gentleness, joy, excitement.

I see that when I was lying in bed after my cancer surgery, (and my more recent surgery), and sitting on a chair during my divorce process, and sleeping horribly when my dad was dying, and feeling sick to my stomach when I sold my former house, and having to give away or sell every piece of furniture, and having nothing left but $10 in my bank account….

….and I realize that the next day, the sun came up (OK sort of, I live in Seattle) and an infinite number of things happened just beyond my awareness.

Just past the thoughts.

There was open ocean out there, but I didn’t need to see it, until I did.

I didn’t even need to know it was there. It was.

“It doesn’t matter what symbols we use – poverty, loneliness, loss – it’s the concepts of good and bad that we attach to them that make us suffer…..People who know there’s no hope are free; decisions are out of their hands. It has always been that way, but some people have to die bodily to find out. No wonder they smile on their death beds. Dying is everything they were looking for in life: they’ve given up the delusion of being in charge. When there’s no choice, there’s no fear.” ~ Byron Katie

Could everything I ever wanted be here now, in this moment?

Kindness, peace, love, rest, surrender, freedom.

I know The Work brings this state of mind (or lack of mind) to my experience over and over again.

And now, wherever this little sailboat is headed, it’s gonna be good.

Because NOW is good.

If you’d like something to DO with those troubling stressful, disturbing thoughts, and the power you may tend to give your thinking….then come join YOI. It starts March 7th.

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

Guide For People Having Trouble Doing The Work

I’ve written a little guidebook for folks who aren’t really sure how to do The Work in a way that feels deeply beneficial.

Maybe it feels like it’s all up in your head, and not sinking down into your body…

….maybe it seems too complicated, too mental, and you’re not sure how questioning your story would change your life…

….maybe it makes you more confused or anxious than you were before you were trying to identify and question what you’re thinking.

Help! My mind is racing! How do I stop and do The Work??

Sometimes people in the Eating Peace class REALLY feel like this, since they may be looking at that urge to reach for something to soothe, avoid, diminish or change their uncomfortable FEELINGS.

Any compulsive or addictive process feels like this. EMERGENCY! I must DO THIS NOW!

Other people who don’t have addictions to substances at all feel this way sometimes, too. The feeling of stress, in whatever form or level, can be painful!

I’m anxious, nervous, sad, discouraged, unpredictable….I know what I’m FEELING….but I don’t know what I’m actually THINKING, so how can I follow the steps to take it to inquiry?

Well, hopefully this guide will help.

In it I write about four pillars, as I called them (I know, not terribly original, but a good foundation for a house after all, you know?)

Here they are: CONNECT, FEEL, BOND, IMAGINE.

If you’re a strong feeler, like me, and you want to find out what I mean by these four pillars, check out the guide.

If I can be of service around this process of inquiry, and the movement every human has towards awakening, freedom and love, then I hope this little book is useful.

Click HERE To Get Four-Pillar Guide To Doing The Work.

Forward this link to share it with friends and family.

Using these four elements really helped me deeply experience the impact of self-inquiry.

The “Bond” step is setting up your life so that you have connected contact with others doing the same work. This has been a very powerful way that I’ve stayed in inquiry, when I may not have done it on my own.

If joining with a group for weekly telecalls sounds awesome, we start a year of month-to-month inquiry, a different topic every month, on Fridays 9-10:30 am Pacific Time.

To read about all the topics and what the program offers, click HERE.

“Inquiry appears to be a process of thinking, but actually it’s a way to undo thinking. Thoughts lose their power over us when we realize that they simply appear in the mind. They’re not personal. Through The Work, instead of escaping or suppressing our 
thoughts, we learn to meet them with unconditional love and understanding.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

 

Posted on

Is The Universe Giving You What You Need?

Yesterday was my first day back on the dance floor since my leg got sewn back together!

Oh the joy, the beauty, the people, the music, the movement, the fun of dancing!!

But I have a big confession to make.

Last year when I was inspired to begin this fun Saturday morning open free-form dance with my husband….

….in my head was a picture of a whole room full of awesome people dancing together, sweatin’, singing, being themselves no matter what age or ability.

We had called tons of studios, big room, or spaces where people could easily dance.

Over and over the same question: Are you available Saturday mornings?

Hardly ever available. Aerobics classes, Nia classes, kung fu, tai chi, lessons, groups, salsa. No, we only do our own classes, no we don’t rent space on Saturdays, no we don’t know anywhere else you could try.

Rats.

And then…it turned out because of cuts in city funding, a city community center that was normally never open on Saturdays WOULD be available for a pretty high fee. Like the highest fee of anyplace we had ever called.

Ok. What the heck. Let’s do it. We need 20 people to break even. No problem.

I really thought, absolutely no problem. There will probably be 30 people there, maybe even 40 or 50, on the first day.

It was a winter, drizzly, cold, early February Saturday morning. A good day to dance!

After several visits to the community center dance hall to scope it all out, gather our sound equipment and music together, get dance cards made, set up the room, and sign rental agreements…..my husband and I returned with anticipation, excitement and a little adrenaline in our hearts.

Finally! Our first free-form dance, open to everyone! Soooooo exciting!!

Everything was ready. Doors opened at 10 am!

The clock ticked past 10:15 am.

No one.

I began to get a fearful sensation in my stomach. 10:20 am.

No one.

OMG. This is like having a party, inviting friends, and no one showing up. A worst nightmare. Like a high school movie. The geek has a birthday party and no one comes.

This is sad.

My heart was sinking. My mind started racing.

Oh so, so wonderful to have The Work. To notice when stress, fear, pain, anxiety, discomfort of any kind presented itself within me…and know what to do with it.

Feel it.

Ask it what it thinks is true….that is NOT really in truly true?

  • we are losers
  • we screwed up
  • we thought people wanted to dance with us, but they don’t
  • we’ve made a mistake
  • this is terrible, a disaster
  • this is embarrassing
  • I can’t dance today after all

Then a good friend appeared. ONE good friend. She was here to help. (Although there was no one to help, no lines, no crowds, no people pouring in–ha ha).

Then another good friend appeared who had promised to come.

Are you serious? I think I’m going to throw up. 

10:25, past time to start the music.

My very optimistic and happy husband, who seemed to not be worried about this situation whatsoever, started our music set, right at about the same time as two more people came.

We all began to dance. All six of us.

And the work was starting to work itself in me. I could see the part of me that was five years old flailing on the floor with disappointment.

Two more people showed up…but that was the Grand Total for the morning.

Is it true? Is it true? Are you sure this is a terrible disastrous event, worthy of embarrassment? Are you sure you can’t feel the inspiration to dance?

No. I’m dancing right now. I’m moving. If I were alone in my living room, this is how I would move….and I love this movement.

Is it true that we are losers, that no one wants to be with us, that this means that we made a mistake, that we are ashamed?

No. I can’t know that any of that is true.

Do we need other people to be here to have fun? Does anyone need any other person with them to express joy? Do any of us need a companion, of any kind, in order to be happy?

No. Wow. No.

Who would I be without the thought that 20 or more people should be here? That since they are not here, this is shameful, uncomfortable, difficult, or something wrong with me?

Dancing. Noticing how much I love the space, the trees through the gigantic window, the music.

Everything on its own trajectory, its own timing.

I need a crowd, is it true? No.

I turn the thoughts around, in the middle of dancing:

  • we are winners
  • we did it beautifully, perfectly for this moment
  • we thought people wanted to dance with us, and they do
  • we’ve made a correction
  • this is wonderful, a miracle
  • this is a blessing, good fortune, something to be proud of
  • I can dance!

I suddenly realized that this moment was just like being single and stood up on a date….if I could enjoy being there all by myself, with deep joy….I would never “need” a partner again.

What a relief.

Whomever showed up would be like icing on the cake.

Ahhhhh, a powerful lesson. A test of faith.

I couldn’t have paid for a workshop or personal coaching or business coaching or accessed connection to leadership, power, and unconditional love for this moment in any better way.

I had to see it for myself, I had to feel the dance right here, with these six people who came (plus husband). I was not alone, I was not in need, I did not have to hide, I was making a correction in what I thought was necessary to be happy.

Holy Smokes!

“When all struggle ceases, there is nothing to bind us to a distorted perception of existence and we can finally see. What we see is that we do not simply exist within existence, but all of existence exists within us as well. And although everywhere we look we see the endless diversity of life, we also now see our own true face in everything under the sun.” ~ Adyashanti

 Yesterday, a year later, 26 people came to our Saturday morning dance. Just the right amount. No more, no less. Just the perfect combination of people. More and more every week over time. More and more, steady, showing up, celebrating, expressing.

“Imagine….no one shows up…look around the room. It’s empty…You like silence. You have time out of your schedule to sit, be still, and do your own work. You could probably use some time, right? Look around that room, are you OK? You’re the one that matters…YOU’RE the one…..The universe will give you what you need against your best thought.” ~ Byron Katie

Without any stressful thoughts….all that can be said, is thank you, thank you. How absolutely amazing.

And the exciting vision of 50 people dancing together on a rainy Saturday morning—still here!

Much love,

Grace