Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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Failing At Life? It’s Only A Thought

In our last Eating Peace class yesterday morning, we were looking at underlying beliefs….

…not just about eating, food, bodies, weight…

…but underlying beliefs about LIFE.

As people read their work, their painful concepts they held sometimes about life and living, their lists were deep, sad, terrifying, upsetting and dark.

But no one was alone in thinking them.

“There are no new thoughts.” ~ Byron Katie 

One thought that several people identified was “I am a failure at life”. 

This thought appears very softly, in a little whisper….or very loud, in a scream. Either way, it’s wonderful to question.

Is it true that you are a failure at life?

Even in that ONE area…you know the one. That moment that wasn’t up to par, that exchange that you screwed up, that result that didn’t happen, the outcome that wasn’t optimal, that mess you made in the past.

Was that a failure?

Yes. I know what success looks like. Not that.

Are you positive? Was it a 100% failure? By YOU? Your fault?

No.

How do you react when you believe the thought?

Tired, sad, annoyed at the other person (or people) involved, angry, seeing the faults in many, desperate for change, hopeless.

Who would you be without that belief?

If you just landed here from another planet—BOOM—you’re a person named (insert your name here). Go.

If you were a flower growing in a garden.

If you were a tree in a forest.

What would it be like, without that thought that you are a failure at living? What would it feel like? What can you imagine? How would you walk down the street? How might you eat dinner?

“When your image of the me takes a break, you’ll find all you are doing at that moment is just being open. You feel quite relieved that you are not trying to get to another moment or a better experience. You feel yourself just being in a very relaxed, easy sense of peace. You haven’t gained anything at all–you’re not smarter, you don’t necessarily know more than anyone else, and you haven’t suddenly become holy.” ~ Adyashanti 

Turn the thought around: I am a success at living. 

Could this be as true, or truer?

Are you alive? Breathing, heart beating, observing this world from your area.

Is just being you enough? What if it was?

I chuckle at the other turnarounds: My thinking is a failure at living…it’s not actually supposed to be successful at living. It comes and goes in whisps and fits, highs and lows, appearing, disappearing. Thoughts live and die.

Another turnaround: I am a failure at dying. So far, this is true. I apparently inhabit a human body. That is still alive. And even after the body is dead, it will turn into earth or ashes and carry on in other formats.

Perhaps, there is no success, or failure. Wow.

“You may realize that most of your life you made the present moment into an enemy. You didn’t say “yes” to it, didn’t embrace it. You were out of alignment with the now, and so life became a struggle. It seemed so normal, because everyone around you lived in the same way. The amazing thing is: Life, the great intelligence that pervades the entire cosmos, becomes supportive when you say “yes” to it. Where is life? Here. Now.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

How would you go about your usual day today, without the belief that you are failing, once failed in the past, or could ever truly fail again?

In a few hours, if you’d like to join a 90 minute free telecall to do The Work together, you’ll get the opportunity to investigate a painful situation in your life, and question an underlying belief about it.

Here are the dial-in instructions:

Primary dial in number: (425) 440-5100
Secondary dial in number: (206) 494-4023
Guest pin code: 305799#

Skype: enter “joinconference” right into your keypad where you normally dial a phone number (no spaces). When you are prompted for the pin code, open your key pad again and enter it.

Extra help for skype users: Click HERE.

Finally, if you’d like to connect via computer and not participate “live” then at the time of the call but only listen in, click here.

Let’s do The Work. A tiny shift in thinking, today, could change your life.

Much love, Grace

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Free Telecall Doing The Work March 6th 8:30 am Pacific Time

Everyone interested in a cost-free telecall tomorrow (3/6), come join me live for 90 minutes to do The Work together at 8:30 am Pacific Time.

This will give you a little taste of what it’s like to work on a conference call from the privacy of your own nest, your office with the door closed….

….or maybe like some, you’ll dial-in from your local coffee house and follow along even though you’re on “mute”.

All you need to bring is a pen and paper, and your open mind.

Here’s the dial-in instructions:

Primary dial in number: (425) 440-5100
Secondary dial in number: (206) 494-4023
Guest pin code: 305799#

Skype: enter “joinconference” right into your keypad where you normally dial a phone number (no spaces). When you are prompted for the pin code, open your key pad again and enter it.

Extra help for skype users: Click HERE.

Finally, if you’d like to connect via computer and not participate “live” then at the time of the call but only listen in, click here.

I’m so looking forward to doing The Work with you on Thursday, March 6th at 8:30 am. At the end there will be an opportunity to ask questions about Year of Inquiry which starts Friday.

Much love, Grace

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I Give Up

Every so often, I get the urge to close up shop, sell the cottage, and go live in a monastery.

You think I jest!

But no.

There will be a moment of fleeting thoughts, perhaps the to-do list…..

….the roof is leaking, the bed needs to be made, I need to post information about the April Horrible Food Wonderful Food weekend because hardly anyone knows about it yet, I should finalize my 2013 taxes and send them off….

….and then, for no apparent reason except maybe the natural inclination to escape, the thought enters “I give up”.

An idea to bring everything to simplicity. A surrender. The thought to lie down on the floor and do nothing.

Oh dear, though.

Then nothing would be done. And the darkness, or emptiness, or depression, or despair might take over.

The other day I was working with a lovely inquirer who came to this realization….

….”if I don’t have a drive to change, then, I wouldn’t change!”

This is one of my absolute most favorite difficult and troubling concepts to question.

If I love everything the way it is, as it is right now, I won’t TRY to achieve anything. I won’t move, I won’t take action, I won’t want to do anything.

Ever!

Are you sure?

Yes. I dream of lying on the beach all day, doing whatever I want, whenever I want to. I dream of meditating, living in the monastery, being extremely simple, reading books. I dream of staying in bed all day, eating or having sex or sleeping.

Everyone’s got their images of dreamy non-doing.

Are you positive that this is what you’d be doing, this is what you’d follow and how you’d live, if you had no urgency to change, no stress, no upset?

Well. I’m not sure. Personally, my answer is no.

I don’t know if I’d like endless monastery life, I hate staying in bed all day, and the beach is only fun for me if I get in the water, talk, walk or play volleyball, or meditate under the shady umbrella.

How do you react when you believe the thought that you can’t stop feeling stress because your stress motivates you to change?

And of course, you HAVE to change. The current state of affairs sucks, right?

Not enough! Too much!

But who would you be without the thought that you need to change, and you need pain to motivate you to change?

I am not talking about pretending that your state is pure heaven, when it is not.

This is not weird mind-control, affirmation, crazy-ville talk.

But really, when I realize that perhaps not only pain motivates me, but actually support, love, encouragement, silence and relaxation support me…

…I feel relief. I feel excited. I feel much more creative.

I don’t feel physically hopeless.

I notice I have energy, thrill, movement, action arise inside me. I love writing. I love organizing and studying what works for people around healing eating issues. I love dancing.

I only like lying on the floor doing nothing, sometimes.

Without the belief that I absolutely HAVE to change, I might notice that I kind of love the idea of change…and even that I can’t help but change…that it’s not possible to remain stagnant and NOT change.

Without the belief that only pain makes gain (eww) things appear to be very obvious much more quickly. I follow my intuition, I don’t get side-tracked, I remember what the point of All This is, is unknown (to the mind) but I may as well enjoy the ride.

(I love how Adyashanti always says “enjoy yourself”, it makes me chuckle and nod).

Turning the thoughts around, I find I do NOT need to drive change in order to change.

Nothing big and dramatic actually needs to happen…I can notice tiny movements towards honesty. I bring up something I’ve been wanting to speak about to my mate for awhile. I tell my deepest truth to a family member. I ask for help. I pray. I stop hiding anything. I look up at the sky with rain falling down on my cheeks.

I question what I’m thinking.

This organism moves.

“‘My life is over’–ask ‘is it true? Can I absolutely know? How do I react when I believe that? Who would I be, just in this moment, if I didn’t believe it?’ Then turn it around and allow life to show you the new way to move forward, the way that you haven’t seen yet…..When your old plan is gone, your mind immediately fills with new possibilities.” ~ Byron Katie

If you did not HAVE to change, and you relaxed on your urgency to force something to happen….are you sure you would give up, and do nothing…or that nothing would then happen?

“Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it.” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

Wow, now that’s a turnaround.

Yes! I can do this! I give up! All is well!

Much love,

Grace

 

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Skip The Middleman–And Find Happiness NOW

If you are seriously considering joining YOI on Friday, it may be daunting to think of committing to an entire year. You may never have worked with me before, or with a small group on the phone or skype.

You are welcome to try it out guilt-free without feeling you need to commit to the entire year, for the month of March only. Write to me to let me know you’d like to try it for our calls in March, just hit reply. We can have an email chat and I’ll let you know how to enroll for March only if you’re pretty serious about YOI.

*****

When I was first beginning to work with people, I felt nervous, tentative, and a push-pull about working with MORE people.

What I mean by that is, I actually felt uncertain enough about building my practice, and meeting new and completely different individuals all the time, with varying issues, that I sometimes wasn’t sure I wanted more clients.

Kind of funny, right?

Yet I knew to survive financially, at least with the life I had of owning a little cottage, supporting two children, and buying food and gas….

….I would need to receive money for my service of working with others.

Even though I loved working with people without getting paid for it at all. I volunteered on the Help Line, I offered free sessions, I did volunteer workshops for business organizations and non-profits in my community.

But as I continued my work with other human beings, I saw that I had some strange and uncomfortable blocks with money.

So the actual “receiving” part was weird. My fees were super crazy low. I’d feel embarrassed about asking for money at all.

I’ve questioned many stressful thoughts since that time….

….stressful thoughts on money, work, promoting oneself, marketing, selling, giving, receiving, buying, charging.

And my thoughts began to open up to other, very different possibilities.

I began to feel much more creative, confident, and valuable, to both myself and to others.

And as this feeling of value grew from inside….so did my value in the physical world.

Even with thoughts that seemed entirely unrelated to money, as I did The Work, my relationship with Reality and with the whole universe, every day, grew more abundant, safe, gentle and loving.

Not having dread of new things, worry about how something might go, sadness about the way something went…

…there is an open humility and softness that I never before experienced.

In the end I found that thoughts I had about money: getting it, earning it, accumulating it, spending it, saving it, asking for it….

….were surprisingly similar to thoughts I had about love, attention and needs…..

….and these thoughts were surprisingly similar to thoughts I once had about food and eating.

  • I need it
  • I want it
  • I must have it in order to be happy
  • I don’t have it now (so I am unhappy)
  • too little is dangerous
  • too much is dangerous

Always pushing for that perfect balance!

Either there was too little or too much! Where’s the middle ground??! ARRRGGG!!!

Just taking one from this list to inquiry can be super powerful.

So pick your item, any time (it’s like the magic tricks–pick a card, any card…)

Money, Love, Food

What do you need this thing to be “right” for? What would you have, if you had enough of it?

What would you have if you had it squared away? Under control?

Well…I thought you’d never ask….I’d have comfort, peace, relaxation, I’d be attractive, secure and care-free.

Are you sure? Is it true?

YES! I’d stop hunting, seeking and striving for more. I’d quit having to feel empty, insecure.

Are you absolutely sure that’s true? Are you sure you’d be happy? That your problems would be solved….if you had money, love and food-and-eating (or that other addiction) all settled in your life?

No. I’m pretty sure there would be different problems, other things to consider, new situations to face, or handle.

There’s always somethin’!!

How do you react when you believe you need something, want something, must have it, are lacking something, or you need to be careful about having too much or too little?

Oh man. Very, very cautious. Nervous, uncomfortable, lost, sad.

Now here’s the Big Question, the one that sometimes is hard to even “get” at first, when you feel nervous:

Who would you be without the belief that getting more of that thing you identified would be good?

What if you came from another culture where there is no need for money, love, or perfection around food and eating?

Without the belief that I need, I want, I must have, I’m missing….

….suddenly I look around the room, and I feel a surge of excitement.

Can you feel it?

What if you knew this was a game, you were OK, and you had all you needed, in this moment right now?

“Absolute completeness surrounds you wherever you go. So there is really no reason to bother yourself about it, except for the fact that we humans have long ago deceived ourselves into such a confined tangle of confusion and disarray that we scarcely even consider, much less experience for ourselves, the divinity within and all around us.” ~ Adyashanti 

You really do have to imagine this for yourself.

All I know is, I can see how every single time in my life I thought all was lost, and I didn’t have enough, or I thought I wouldn’t make it…

…it was OK.

I turn the thoughts around:

  • I do not need it, I already have it or have access to it
  • I do not want it…I want peace…and I already can have peace in this situation
  • I must NOT have it in order to be happy…I’m being invited to something else, something different, something new, something yet unknown
  • I don’t have it now (so I am happy)…could I find happiness for anything right here in this moment? Yes!
  • there is no danger—WOAH! Amazing.
“I have an expression: skip the middleman. And be happy from here.” ~ Byron Katie

 

If you notice you are stuck on some either big or small thoughts about what you might need, or be missing, that you’re SURE would make you happy (and where you are now is unhappy) then try doing The Work.

If it’s hard to “get” or understand, and you’ve tried before but it feels like it’s not sinking in…join Year of Inquiry starting Friday.

Every month we change topics, and we’ll cover Money, the Body, Relationships (love) and many others during our time together.

Much love,

Grace

 

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Who Would You Be Without Your Scary Story?

The mind is so active, quick, busy, full and engrossed with itself….you’re probably sayin’ “I know! Tell me about it!”

When something troubling happens, mental activity appears to kick in even more than usual: thoughts, images, voices, pictures, planning, suggestions, internal movies.

There’s a Problem.

The mind will go after that problem with a vengeance.

One thing I love about The Work is that when there is a flair-up of excitement, worry or adrenaline….there is something to “do” with the feelings and thoughts that occupies the busy mind.

When something difficult happens in life, often there is a core underlying shout, a belief, that appears.

Maybe it’s not so obvious, but if you ask yourself about a really sad, scary or irritating situation you’ve experienced, then you may find that you really believe one of these thoughts is true:

  • there’s something wrong!
  • I need to change!
  • this is terrible!
  • I can’t live with this feeling!
  • I have to know what to do!
  • I’m not safe!
  • I’m not enough (so I need support, love, money, etc)

When there is a really deep painful belief like one of these coming up, and felt very profoundly inside of you, you may not be able to sleep, sit still, work, talk to friends, stop talking to friends, relax.

You may feel overwhelming urges to avoid thinking about this troubling event by eating, drinking, smoking, watching television, or obsessing about a new relationship.

But like I said, I do like The Work for investigating very deep unsettling beliefs, because I can follow the steps, one-by-one, slowly, and using my imagination to expand my viewpoint.

You get to take this simple action….The Work….and examine your idea that feels so very true.

This situation is terrible, and I need to fix it and know what to do.  

NOW.  

Is that true?

Yes! I’m making check lists, I’m writing out plans, I’m making phone calls, I’m compulsively moving, going, busy, anxious.

Stop.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that this situation is terrible, that I am not happy at all, that I can’t live this way, that I’m not safe?

In the most basic sense, No. I am breathing, living, I am loved, this appears to be part of the human condition (it’s happened to plenty of others).

No. Even if I have no idea what to do, I’m here, now, alive.

How do I react when I believe these core underlying disturbing beliefs?

Like I’m on a racetrack, running…or angry, furious…or very sad, despairing and tearful.

Now here’s the Great Leap to Question Four: Who would I be without these underlying thoughts? If I couldn’t believe them to be true? If they were just not so dang serious?

Who would I be if these thoughts were NOT TRUE?

One thing I say over and over to my clients, that works so well for me, is imagining being a tree.

Trees grow, in just the right amount at just the right time and they do not believe they are doing it wrong, or that they are in danger, even if someone comes along and chops them down.

They are not busy planning how to fix a situation, manipulate, control, change or switch routines.

“Watch any plant or animal and let it teach you acceptance of what is, surrender to the Now. Let it teach you Being. Let it teach you integrity – which means to be one, to be yourself, to be real. Let it teach you how to live and how to die, and how not to make living and dying into a problem.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Even if it feels crazy at the moment…simply consider who you would be without these beliefs that something terrible has happened.

Just the act of entering this imagination, you may notice, changes something ever so slightly within.

Byron Katie suggests that The Work is meditation. It is a waiting, slowing down, stopping, contemplating.

Holding still at some inner place…..even if you are going to the market, preparing your kids’ school lunch, cleaning out the garage, applying for jobs, answering the phone.

Who would you be without that story?

Only 3 days more to sign up for YOI, Year Of Inquiry. If you’d like support with entering the quiet of simply questioning your thoughts, supported by others, then write me at grace@workwithgrace.com.

Much love, Grace

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Joining YOI Helps YOU Do The Work

Many people have written with questions about the upcoming Year of Inquiry group that starts this coming Friday.

Here’s a summary:

  • We all meet via phone or skype three times a month for 90 minutes, Fridays 9 am Pacific Time
  • We have a private, closed email forum for sharing, questions, breakthroughs and inquiry in writing
  • Everyone in YOI gets to know one another extremely well in a very unique way—not by the usual life details, but through questioning shared stressful beliefs
  • Each month there is a different unique topic for inquiry. We watch a video at the beginning of the month (Byron Katie) and fill out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on a situation in our own life relating to that topic.
  • I partner everyone in YOI with someone else in the group for the month, to trade facilitations. Through this partnering, you learn how to facilitate and be facilitated, and get to know your brethren in inquiry.
  • You can pay monthly, or all at once, or in 3 payments, it’s up to you.
  • There is no written contract for participating, but it’s best if your intention is to stay engaged for a year…and, this is the last YOI that will be in this particular format and this low fee

I created this format because for me, personally, I simply didn’t seem to sit down, write out my thoughts, or slow down long enough….even when I was in pain….to make doing The Work a regular practice.

And I didn’t want to feel desperate for mind-change anymore. I wanted to work with what This is, the life I was apparently living, with a sense of relaxation.

Careful, gentle self-reflection comes easy and quickly to some people.

And then there are the rest of us.

I knew when I listened to Byron Katie on recording, and when I read her book Loving What Is that there was a powerful message.

But I always thought that message was somewhere other than me, like inside Katie herself, or in some other place of wisdom. I thought that doing this work wouldn’t really result in peace unless I got some special insight.

Answer four questions? Then turn what I’m thinking around?

What good is that going to do?! I need bigger guns! I need an inpatient program! I need a fairy godmother! A change of consciousness! Enlightenment!

Are you sure that’s what you need?

What if it really is true that all you actually need, is what all the great teachers have said, including Byron Katie, for all the ages….

…..your own honest answers. Trusting yourself. Being your own best friend.

What if all you need is to honestly clearly identify what it is you are believing and question this, and use YOUR imagination to see another way?

“Self-realization is the sweetest thing. It shows us how we are fully responsible for ourselves, and that is where we find our freedom. Rather than being other-realized, you can be self-realized. Instead of looking to us for your fulfillment, you can find it in yourself……to put The Work into action, begin with the voice inside you that’s telling you what we should do. Realize that it’s actually telling YOU what to do…..There is no peace in the world until you find peace within yourself in this moment.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’ve noticed that you like the idea of doing The Work, but you don’t actually do it (I don’t have time, it doesn’t really work, I get bored, I can’t stay with my answers, so what) then consider joining us.

Year Of Inquiry is here!

Write me at grace@workwithgrace.com to talk about it.

Much love,

Grace

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I Look Forward To WHAT??!!

Did you notice this week that there were a bunch of days when I did not send out a Grace Note at 5:30 am Pacific time, my usual?

Eeek! I was behind! I was sleeping!

And now, today, apparently…I’m back “On Schedule”.

Ha Ha! As if there is a schedule, that I would know.

Imagining what will happen in the future is a very itchy thought at times. Seeing it go like this, like that, and not wanting it to go like that other less acceptable way.

Or that other terrible, horrifying way.

In the process of doing The Work, the first worksheet for catching stressful thoughts on paper is called the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

As you already know, it’s for filling out all the mean, vile, nasty, vicious, childish, petty thoughts you have about someone or something unpleasant….or awful….in your life.

The very last question on that worksheet is to think about, when remembering a troubling situation that has occurred, what you never want to have happen again, ever, when it comes to encountering that person, or repeating that situation.

It points to the idea that it’s very natural that when a human being gets into a rough situation, they not only wish that it happened in the first place, but also decide thereafter to never let it happen again, if at all possible.

NEVER AGAIN!

I noticed I had this thought, only very mildly without much stress at all, about being “behind” on Grace Notes.

I won’t let that happen another day! I’ll write two in one day! I like staying on plan!

What about bigger worries or risks, though?

  • I don’t ever want to get divorced again
  • I don’t ever want to lose all my money again
  • I don’t ever want to get cancer again
  • I don’t ever want to be betrayed again
  • I don’t ever want to hurt someone again

When looking at the concepts deeply believed on any of our Judge Your Neighbor worksheets, where we got nuts and write them all down, the final step is considering the turnarounds.

You think about the reverse, the opposite, of your belief.

It’s not because you’re a crazy person, it’s because it’s a profound exercise in imagination.

In this present moment, instead of bolstering myself against something terrible happening….instead of keeping myself safe, comfortable, and hidden inside my house….instead of being as small as possible or as careful as possible (very stressful)…

….what if I actually became OPEN, willing, excited, or looking forward to encountering that again?

It doesn’t mean you ARE going to experience it again, it’s a shift inside your body right now, in this present moment.

It’s total and complete surrender, giving up control. Can you imagine the thrill of that?

This may seem really weird, and its simplest if you look at other concepts you have about troubling situations or people one-by-one, before you get to this imagination exercise…

…but wow, what an incredible feeling to let go in the middle of that painful memory:

  • I am willing to get divorced again, I look forward to it
  • I am willing to lose all my money again, I look forward to it
  • I am willing to get cancer again, I look forward to it
  • I am willing to be betrayed again, I look forward to it
  • I am willing to hurt someone again, I look forward to it

Who would you be without the story that you have to make sure to be careful about the future? Who would you be without the thought that you need to follow the plan and keep the schedule?

Perhaps you may notice that you have much less power than you thought, actually. Much less control.

Can you be OK without running things? Without knowing what’s next? With knowing you can’t be the ruler of the universe and dictate what should or should not repeat itself?

Could there be any advantages (it doesn’t mean you are sadistic or masochistic or twisted) to that difficult situation you went through? Did anything come out of it that made you stronger, more actualized, more loving, more mature?

Why, um, yes. 

After my divorce, I discovered an inner mate that would never go away, and had never gone away the whole time. I found out I didn’t really need anybody…and a fabulously new and different kind of man happened to come along who is perfect for me (and it would be OK to have no man in my life as well, seriously).

After I lost all my money, I found a center of passion to get what I needed like never before in my entire previous life.

After my cancer I discovered the extent of friendship, love, connection from unexpected places….and temporary-ness of this life and realization that heaven could be present, even during cancer, and that dying will be an adventure.

After someone betrayed me I stood up for myself and stood up for the truth in a way that taught me to trust myself and feel the depth of my own confidence like never before.

After I hurt someone I learned about the resilience of others, how good it is to tell every iota of truth, relax, feel loved, love instead of hate myself, be tender, open and real.

“If this were your only path to God, would you take it away?” ~ Byron Katie

Without a sense of dread for the future, even being open a tiny little bit that there could be possibility, creativity, wonder, and peace, even with all you’ve been through…

…who would you be right now, in this moment? 

“Not-knowing is true knowledge. Presuming to know is a disease. First realize that you are sick; then you can move toward health. The Master is her own physician. She has healed herself of all knowing. Thus she is truly whole.” ~ Tao Te Ching  #71  

If you find it tricky to question your story, or you have a LOT of them to look forward to repeating…and you need some support in staying in this process of looking and opening to the unknown, then maybe Year Of Inquiry would be perfect for you!

Write me at grace@workwithgrace.com if you want to talk about it.

Much love, Grace

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The Brutality of Hating Neediness

Recently several clients have been sitting with the very uncomfortable feeling, and idea, that they are longing for attention, approval, connection, contact.

If only that person would have given me more. If only she would have given me a sign that I was supported. If only he would have said he loved me, or given me a hug, or smiled. If only they would have given me a higher grade. If only they would have said I was welcome.

Many of us see the longing inside for being approved of, just for ourselves, without having to “do” anything better, or different.

Long ago, a dear friend was facilitating me through my belief that someone else I knew shouldn’t be so dang needy.

He is so desperate, clingy, full of questions, demanding my attention, insecure, sucking the life from me and other people too, pushing for approval, unstable, dramatic.

He is sooooo needy, it’s so gross, I’m disgusted. Can’t he pull it together and stop being age five? He’s a grown man, for godssakes.

As my friend asked me the questions known as The Work, I started feeling less angry and irritated….

….and more worried.

Uh oh.

Houston, I think we have a situation here.

Neediness is bad. 

Is it true?

Yes. Ewww.

I would never be like that. I will never ask for anything. I won’t impose. I will do everything possible to make sure no one ever, ever thinks I am needy. Because ewww.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that neediness is bad?

Yes. I can hardly stand it when that other person is needy, and I can’t stand it when I myself am needy.

I’ll do The Work right now just to get to that detached place where I find everything I need only inside myself, without ever asking for a single thing…..right?

Um, yeah. How’s that working to have the end result in mind already? The vision of pure, detached, pristine unneediness….ahhhhh.

So how do you react when you believe the thought that neediness is bad?

I RUN AWAY FROM ANYONE WHO HAS BIG NEEDS!

I run away from my own needs. If people are crawling and grabbing for food, I make sure to drop any that is in my own hands, because otherwise I’ll be overwhelmed with grabby consuming energy and they’ll eat me alive!

Get away, slam the door, shut down the engines. Like the submarine at the bottom of the ocean, be super quiet and wait for the Big Seeking Needy energy to pass by overhead.

Not exactly peaceful.

So who would you be without the thought that Neediness is Bad?

Pause.

Hard to even find it at first. I wait.

I imagine clingy needy man in my presence saying “I am desperate, I neeeeeeeeeeeed you.” But without the thought that his neediness is bad, wrong, horrible or impossible.

Dang. That is weird. Very different.

Without that thought that the needs of someone could be bad for me, in any way, I’m not shutting down. I’m not frightened. I’m up on the surface of the ocean, open to the sky, the water, the sea, the other crafts, the life. Not hiding under the surface.

Without the belief that neediness is bad, I have compassion for that person who thinks he is desperate, and I also know that he is OK.

I feel the Yes or No within me to move towards that person, or not.

No emergency.

No emergency for my own needs, but no ignoring them either! If I am thirsty, I get up and go get a glass of water.

If I would like someone to say “I love you, you are awesome at x, I appreciate your contribution” then I might ask people I know for genuine, honest feedback and let them know I would like them to share positive feedback because I’m afraid, for now, of the negative (if I am).

I might laugh, with joy and humor, and my own mundane needs and neediness. I would honor them. That is where I am, at that moment. It’s OK.

Turning the thought around: Neediness is Good. 

Holy Moly, really?

Well, I know it’s good to experience the sensation of hunger (I used to think it was bad). Because then I go find some food, which it turns out is generally necessary on this planet, for me.

Who am I to oppose the way of it, the way of reality that appears to have hunger/fullness, wanting/satisfaction, desire/manifestation, hoping/end of hoping?

“Why should we go looking for more than we are, when we are what we are looking for? Beware of a misguided longing, for it leads in the end to brutality.” ~ Adyashanti 

Thank you, neediness, for driving me out to somewhere else, for it shows me that everything is temporary that I want to grab. It shows me the brutality of my own mind’s secret disappointment.

Byron Katie tells a story of seeing a stranger in a shopping mall, and feeling horrified at the woman’s age, pain, stench, and slowness.

Katie said as she saw this woman and felt trapped, that inquiry arose almost immediately.

“What would I be without the thought?….The horror was equivalent to a deep gentleness, a caressing, a full, immovable acceptance. There was no discomfort. It began, from its new position, to celebrate the whole life of itself, to love itself….There was no longer even the slightest desire to be anywhere else.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the belief that neediness of any kind, in any way, should not exist….I am not against your need, the body’s need, the heart’s need, the neediness that is believed to be true.

I feel neediness with a gentleness, a caressing, a full, immovable acceptance, and know that all is very, very well and nothing is required.

Year of Inquiry starts in one week only. I will close enrollment on Thursday, March 6th. Click here to read more about it. Year of Inquiry YOI.

If you are deeply interested, then please email me grace@workwithgrace.com to have a conversation to make sure it’s right for you.

Member of YOI: “It still amazes me to be so well received. I feel closer to you all than people I have known for decades. What a gift you all are and I thank my lucky stars!”

Much love, Grace

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I Have To Do Something! Like Eat!

Since I’ve been teaching the Eating Peace teleclass (next week is our last group) I’ve thought once again about that strange, terrible and rather amazing experience of being overwhelmed with compulsion, the belief that I MUST DO THIS or I MUST HAVE THIS that descends in a binge.

This doesn’t happen with only binge eating. There are many other activities that people experience as compulsive, obsessive, trance-like activities.

There are the ones we all know about: eating, smoking, drinking, gambling, exercising, pornography, internet surfing, television…

…but it’s not the actual activity or substance that’s the “problem”.

If you went to live on the moon, where they don’t have any alcohol, then the substance of alcohol might be gone, but what was the reason you were drinking it in the first place?

Because there are reasons.

At a deep level, the reason I used to binge-eat and feel totally out of control was because I was panicked about my feelings.

I was truly terrified of quite a few things: people criticizing me, the unknown of the future, my sense of being lost and separate in a difficult world, my thoughts that life is hard, brutal and scary.

I was very afraid of the lack of love I experienced, and when it came on really strong….I ate.

It’s the same with someone who uses drugs, smokes something, or who can’t stop thinking about a love relationship.

(I’ve heard this called a “love junkie”. That sounds about right. Been there, done that, too).

It can feel difficult to get at the root “problem”, the core of the experience.

But here’s the good news: you don’t have to fully know what the problem actually is.

You can very simply know that you are scared, muddled, confused, terrified, angry, despairing….and your thoughts about feeling these kinds of feelings is that you can’t stand it.

Quick! Change the channel! I’m frightened!

Next thing you know, you’re stuffing your face, or thinking about beer.

Recently, when I heard of Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s death from heroin, after 26 years sobriety, I wondered what was going on in his life that he thought escaping was the best plan.

Escaping from his feelings. Escaping from having to “stand it”.

In 26 years of not using, my thought is that he distracted himself in other more subtle, less destructive ways all that time. But it was still distraction. Avoidance.

I’ve met people who can’t stop taking self-improvement workshops, or attending non-dual speaker events. Ahem. Oh right. That might have been me.

With The Work, I love taking this powerful, brilliant, creative “mind” and considering the simple belief “I have to do something.”

Is it true?

Are you positive you have to do something to help you stop being anxious, afraid, or confused in this moment?

Are you sure you have to do anything, at all?

Who would you be if you didn’t believe you have to do anything? If you sat in a chair until you got up because you want to, not because you have to?

Even if it looks like someone thinks you’re horrible, you’ve had a great loss, you’ve got a disease, you’re a bundled of inexplicable feelings, you aren’t enlightened yet, you aren’t a good person (I’d question that)…

…who would you be without the thought that you have to do something, like eat?

What might happen then? If you feel frightened, and did nothing?

“With inquiry, it can’t be learned like ‘a way’. It can’t be controlled. There’s nothing you can ever know about it. You ask the questions and you don’t ever know what’s going to come up. That’s why it’s so difficult for some of you to answer the questions. You’re entering a universe that you cannot control. So we try to figure it out before we answer it, and that keeps the answer underneath it, it keeps the mystery hidden. And we’re afraid of what we can’t know, or control. Inquiry is new territory.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’re frightened, like I once was (and still am sometimes) to sit and be with the unknown, without doing anything, and you’re not sure if you will explode unless you do….

….and you’d like to stay in inquiry with the mystery out there ahead of you….

….start today to be with questions, instead of answers. Is it OK not to know what’s going to happen, or what you should do, and that you can’t stand it?

“You work on this for your freedom, not to get something.” ~ Byron Katie

“There are no requirements and no prerequisites to awaken. There is nothing to be done, nothing to think, nowhere to go.

Just stop all dreaming. Stop all doing. Stop all excuses. Just stop and be still. Effortlessly be still. Grace will do the rest”. ~ Adyashanti

If you’d like to sit with the questions without running, even by staying in them every week with a group on the telephone together….then Year of Inquiry YOI. It starts March 7th.

Much love, Grace

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Your Inner Operating System Loves You

Strange the mind and this thing called “thinking”. What is thinking?

It often appears to have sound…a voice, or many voices, a direction out in front, an energy in the head, a force pulling inward into someplace dark.

Someone says “hold on, I need to think!” and we know they are saying they want quiet. Thought overload. Fast thought.

The other day I went to a movie called Her. Friends had recommended it.

I was intrigued when they said that a man falls in love, and has a relationship that actually evolves, with a Voice. His Operating System, an artificial intelligence, called Samantha.

Samantha the OS, of course, and lives inside his computer.

While there are many short little lines in the movie that made me laugh (such as “falling in love is a form of socially acceptable insanity”) there was one interesting.

This man ventures off to a hideaway cabin in the woods, in deep snow. Inside this cabin is warmth, light, movement, safety, a hot kettle. Outside the cold is bitter, the snow so deep it’s way above his knees.

In this scene, the man is alone, apparently, with a body. But his mind is talking, connecting, laughing with his operating system. He’s thrilled to go on this adventure into the wild, out of the city and away from daily life.

One of his friends had pointed out that he was man on the outside but woman on the inside. True, when you consider he has this very powerful and loud female voice in his ear.

And what’s it like when WE go somewhere by ourselves? When we go to a cabin, or a room, or on a walk, or even reading a book, or writing on a computer?

Is there not a Voice, or several voices, talking?

Don’t you sometimes long for one voice to rise above the others that feels loving, kind, that knows you well and is imminently and unconditionally concerned with your best interests, and with understanding you, and who sees the world as a wonderful place to explore?

Because the thoughts that we are bad for ourselves, or we make “bad” decisions, or that the world is detached or dangerous, are often unbelievably painful. Also heavy, depressing and lonely.

Then on top of the mean, vicious self-critical thoughts, we’ll also feel guilty that we’re having those thoughts at all.

When Those Mean Voices are inside the cabin with us, who the heck wants to go hang out in a cabin in the snow, right??

But a really loving, intimate, supportive voice that asks questions, listens, offers answers, and wants to explore….that kind of inner voice is luscious.

And that’s the voice that you can bring to The Work.

Wait. Before you start thinking you don’t HAVE an inner gorgeous OS that’s just right for you….let’s consider with The Work.

Say you are freaked out, anxious, enraged, abandoned, full of despair, horrified, frightened….

Well, there’s a voice talkin’ and it may not be the most supportive one you’ve ever tapped into. It may be the worry wart, or the one that believes in violence as a motivator. It probably believes that something has to change, maybe drastically, or else….

  • I’m too self-critical
  • I sabotage myself
  • I’m my own worst enemy
  • I’m too (quiet, greedy, addictive, nervous)
  • I should be more confident
  • I can’t stop “x”
  • I can’t stay motivated
  • I’m an idiot

So, is it true?

Yeah. I’ve been here over and over again. Just the fact that I repeat negative self-criticism is idiotic. It’s true.

Are you sure?

Well. First of all, who are you referring to, this “I” that is an idiot? This “I” that can’t stop, that isn’t confident, and is flawed?

Is all of you too greedy, quiet, selfish, addictive, or upset? Are you sure you’re the ruin of yourself?

No.

Even if you answered “yes”, keep going.

How do you react when you believe you are “x” and it must stop? How do you react when you think you are flawed, and need to snap out of it, get a clue?

I thought this over and over again when I had an eating disorder all those years ago. I believed I shouldn’t binge, smoke, drink, or harm myself.

Whip, whip, whip.

When I believed these thoughts, one way I reacted was that I thought finding a Nice Voice would be a huge relief. I believed that kind, loving voice was somewhere else, not here.

It’s kind of needy, seriously.

Who would you be without the thought that you are too “x”? That you have a mean inner voice? Or that you are needy?

Without the thought that you need to fix this ridiculous being that you are….

….you may just stop, puzzled, curious, waiting.

Without the thought that you are a jerk, or needy, you may find that you’re open to NOT having the company of anyone except YOU.

You may find yourself to be quite interesting. Fascinating. You may like empty space, silence, other people, and be basically fine with what happens.

I turn the thoughts around and feel them, and find examples:

  • I’m NOT too self-critical
  • I save myself
  • I’m my own best friend
  • I’m NOT too (quiet, greedy, addictive, nervous)
  • I shouldn’t be more confident
  • I can stop “x”
  • I can stay motivated
  • I’m brilliant

Could these be just as true, or truer?

Yes. And you can feel them. Find the benefits of being these things that you were considering to be flaws.

You’re not even sure what this “I” is, so maybe suddenly the goofiness of that might come clear. If the other Mean “I” is evident, the equal and opposite Loving “I” is also evident, in this world of duality.

Who would you be right now in this moment if you were your own best friend?

And what if you don’t even need your own friendship? Are you still breathing?

“Your inner voice guides you all day long to do simple things such as brush your teeth, drive to work, call your friend, or do the dishes. Even though it’s just another story, it’s a very short story, and when you follow the direction of the voice, that story ends. We are really alive when we live as simply as that open, waiting, trusting, and loving to do what appears in front of us now.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’d like to get on a telegroup call three times per month and have a collective committee of voices all of whom are supporting your operating system (or dismantling your critical beliefs)….then come join YOI. It starts March 7th.

Much love, Grace