Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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I Wish I Didn’t Want More Money

I want more money.

This belief is not only pervasive, but often, it’s also embarrassing!

It’s like, I want more money but I hate to admit it. I shouldn’t want more money, I hate wanting more money, I’m comfortable without money, I don’t even like the fact that it appears that I need it. Ever. 

If you’ve seen that you don’t NEED more money, you are OK with very small amounts of money, you actually aren’t even interested in buying stuff or upgrading things like your furniture…..

…..it can be tricky to access the inner beliefs about this thing called money and what’s really bothering you.

It’s a little bit like a love/hate relationship, only not that dramatic. Annoying instead. Off. Not exactly loving, kind, trusting and totally relaxed. 

One of my favorite insights came when I began to take Rumi’s advice to heart and in my imagination, gave Money a persona. 

You can do this right now, as you read, if you notice there’s any little discord around money and how you experience it in your mind and heart (and body). 

If Money knocked on your door right now….what would he or she look like? What would the mood of this entity be? How would he or she regard YOU?

Six years ago is when I realized that  if Money knocked on my door, and I opened it….

….what I would see was a homeless addict dressed in rags, holding a cigarette in one hand, eyes flicking around like he’s scared of being followed and doesn’t give a rats ass about whether or not I know him. 

Yikes. 

Fortunately, I invited him within, and looked very deeply and carefully about why he looked like that, and what I imagined was terrible or dangerous about having Money come inside for tea. 

….The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in….Jalaluddin Rumi, from The Guest House

But your image of Money may be less severe. It can change, as circumstances change.

If you can picture your relationship with Money (I do this exercise with people around their relationship with Food as well) what would it appear to look like?

Now ask yourself if you want more of this Money in your life? 

Why or why not? What would it give you that feels positive? What would it give you that’s not so positive?

Is this Money a guest you would rather not entertain?

Is it true that you want MORE money?

No. Not if it means needing it, having to pay attention to it, having to ask people for it, charging for services, trading it for food and shelter. 

Squirm squirm. Can we talk about something else?

How do you react when you believe this thought that Money is a troubling thing, and you’d rather not get involved?

Sad. Frustrated. Uncertain. 

Admonishing myself for not figuring it out sooner. Chiding those Other People With Money for being greedy, selfish, lucky, focused, realistic, immature, materialistic, non-spiritual. 

With the thought and the uncomfortable feelings that follow, I’m stuck.

So, who would you be without the belief that it’s tough to want money, or that you wish you didn’t need it, or that there’s something wrong with you? Without the belief in clutching, resistance, feeling “against” the whole situation?

“So if you have no money, you can apply your mind and say, ‘What action can I take?’ And then become still. Don’t apply your mind without the stillness because, if you start applying your mind without the stillness, you might very soon lose yourself in the mind and that turns into worry. Worry means the mind is controlling you. Worry is always pointless. A solution never comes out of worry.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Without the belief that Money is an uncomfortable guest, a problematic person, you may find a spark of joy and excitement about attraction to it. 

Or, if that’s going a bit far a bit too fast, like getting married after three dates….you may feel compassion for your humanness, for wanting more of this thing called Money….

….for having a body that apparently needs a roof, clothing, food.

….for having a mind that enjoys books, adventures, education.

I turn the thoughts around: I want more money, and it’s OK, it’s natural, it’s part of my spiritual life.

Perhaps I want more “thinking” clearly about money. I want more knowledge, maturity, peace, trust, security about myself.

Could it be that I want more connection to others, more exchange with others, contact, vulnerability, beauty, sharing….and perhaps this need/want for Money has to do with making peace about all this?

If you’re wanting to begin an interesting journey around how you truly feel about Money in your life, no matter how much you have (or don’t have) and you’d like to join a group to do it….

….next week on Wednesday 5:15-6:45 pm PT we begin the 8 week journey into examining the thinking with a live teleclass, limited to 10 people, using The Work to question the beliefs that aren’t so peaceful when it comes to Money.

Click here to register: Investigating Money. Or write grace@workwithgrace.com with questions. 

Much love, Grace

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Who Would You Be Without Your (Injured, Painful, Fat, Diseased) Body?

Money! We’ll be looking carefully at what it means…and our apparent “problems” or concerns with money: earning it, getting it, keeping it.

8 week teleclass: Wednesdays, March 19 – May 7. 5:15 pm Pacific Time/8:15 pm Eastern time. Waking hours in Australia, Japan, Indonesia. Write if you’re interested grace@workwithgrace.com.

******

Physical ailments, a state of physicality that feels less than perfect, whether a head cold or a torn hamstring….or cancer….often carry with them a stressful response. 

The disease seems to arrive, the condition. I now have this condition, it’s inside me, THIS body, mine, the one I inhabit.

I’m the one with “x” happening. 

And then, with that ownership, faster than the speed of light, the mind grabs it and says (when it feels stressful) what it means, that I have this condition.

  • I can’t go to that party, I’ll miss out
  • I’m dying
  • I’ll miss everyone
  • I detest this feeling of pain
  • this is all temporary
  • I’ll never run, play, jump, flip, bike, move, dance again

So sad. So infuriating! Who set this entire world up like this, anyway?! Such suffering!

My mind almost always has a comment about whose fault it is (mine). Then there are the other people whose fault it is (parents, history, pesticides). 

Nothing wrong with looking at patterns, gathering information, making huge changes to see how it affects the current status.

But that underlying sense, that dark cave below, that voice that is disappointed….or terrified….can feel dreadful.

Can’t I just think about something else? 

With inquiry, I love turning to face it and take a good look.

Oh, by the way, remember my leg? (All eyes on me!) Well, I almost forgot about it, and returned to my old dance recently, like I used to before I tore my hamstring last fall. The joy I felt on the dance floor was so sweet, I was ecstatic.

And then a few hours later, hmmm. Some dull aching pain radiating from my injury site.

And then the next day, my back and hamstring hurt so much I couldn’t get out of bed. 

Is it true, that I am condemned to reduced movement, decline, pain, aging, discomfort? Am I missing out?

Yes, yes, oh yes. Cry. Fist shaking at the sky. 

Am I sure that it would be better to be my definition of health, right now? What am I looking for anyway, eternal life? Never feeling any pain, ever, ever?

This is an amazing question, to even open to the idea that it might not be as bad as I think. Or I might not want what I *think* I want.

“We try to accept what is, and I’ve come to see that this is just a beginning. To love what is, is how you know that you’re right with yourself. It’s a state of gratitude that you’re living out of that is entirely stimulating, and motivating, and it always replenishes….When we’re of right mind, there is no loss.” ~ Byron Katie 

How do I react when I believe I’m missing something, losing something?

Angry, calculating, sad, upset, snappish at people, unhappy, grabby, panicked, fast.

Gratitude? Uh, that would be NOT. 

(And don’t get upset with yourself for not being grateful, you’re not supposed to jump to grateful, unless you do…it’s not “better”. Is it true that you should be grateful, when you aren’t?)

Who would I be without the thought that my physical state is wrong, a mistake, bad, off, incomplete, imperfect?

Without the thought that having this body means I have to feel pain, I have to miss out, I’m losing something?

“When you finally awake, you don’t try to make good things happen; they just happen. You understand suddenly that everything that happens to you is good. Think of some people you’re living with whom you want to change. You find them moody, inconsiderate, unreliable, treacherous, or whatever. But when you are different, they’ll be different. That’s an infallible and miraculous cure. The day you are different, they will become different. And you will see them differently, too….All of a sudden, no one has the power to hurt you anymore.” Anthony De Mello

If I looked at this physical state, this sickness, ugliness, injury, pain, as one of those people that I’ve been judging…who would I be without these thoughts? 

Even just a tiny smidgeon of an idea? Not inconsiderate? Not treacherous? Not dangerous?

Turning the stressful thoughts around:

  • I can’t go to that party, but I won’t miss out (it’s a party right here, with myself)
  • I’m living right now
  • I’ll won’t miss everyone, I’ll be connected to everything
  • I accept this feeling of pain, not against it, could I love it even?
  • this is all temporary…halleluia (instead of oh sad)
  • I’ll always run, play, jump, flip, bike, move, dance again…I could have what these things bring, like ecstasy, always
“It’s your last chance in this incarnation, as your body begins to fade – or you are becoming aware of this limited lifespan. It’s your last chance to go beyond identification with form. This is true whether it’s to do with your body, or somebody else’s body.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

 

Who would you be, without your body?

Much love, Grace

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Without Comparison God and You Are One

That person is soooo cool, she has it together, he is successful, she is so fit, he is such a dynamo at business, they are so lucky, he is so enlightened, she is so good at helping tons of people…

…have you ever had Comparison Worry?

I love taking a dive to investigate stressful beliefs about these kinds of thoughts where you feel some inner glitch because a human out there has something you feel drawn to yourself.

You want it, too.

You do not have it.

Now, before you chop yourself off from this inquiry by saying“there is nothing I really want, I am fine here with me, there’s no one else’s life I want”…

…stay with me if you have a tiny dream that feels unrealized.

Like “waking up”, being confident, feel abundant, doing good for others (like Mother Teresa), being kind, feeling peaceful at all times, making a difference.

Now think of someone who DOES occupy that role, that space, who has it.

They know something or have something that you do not have—is that true?

Yes! I saw him give a speech. He said he made $122K in one month AND he’s helping tons of people change their own lives and contributing to a more joyful world. He’s so confident!

Yes! She offers personal awareness programs and has waiting lists for participants and helps people recover from terrible addictive behavior. She’s so loving!

Yes! He gave people hope, he was so awake people still talk about him after hundreds of years. He was so radical and kind!

Are you sure it’s true, that when you look over there at that amazing person, that enlightened teacher, that they have some quality, or insight, or idea that YOU don’t have, that you’re missing?  

Really answer this question, with honesty. You might be surprised. The answer might be No.

Even if you’re a regular self-doubter.

How do you react when you think the thought that what is going on over there, in that person’s life, is not possible for you? Or if it is possible, it’s not here yet, dang it!

I chase! I’m on the move. I’m rabidly reading books. I buy information, I check out 800 items from the library when I could only read one at a time.

I analyze, I work very hard, I concentrate.

I had a client recently who had this same kind of thought. I want that lifestyle, over there, he thought. I want to be like so-and-so, the one I admire. I want a girlfriend and a great career.

The way he reacted is, he felt depressed, hopeless, defeated. Like it was impossible. Too late. Too hard. Too many rejections so far.

How do you feel physically, with that thought that you are not there yet?

Tired. Tight throat. Sinking chest.

And now….who would you be without that belief? Without the thought that you don’t have what it really takes, or you have a long way to go before you get there, or even, there might be something wrong with you?

Right in this moment, what would you be without that idea?

“Many people find their spirituality taking them outward. They think they are going inward because they have heard the spiritual teaching, ‘Inquire and look within.’ Meanwhile, they are out in the stars somewhere looking for someone else’s experience, looking for the right experience, or looking for the experience they believe they are supposed to have. This is spirituality going entirely in the wrong direction. Inquiry is a means of taking you back to yourself, back to your experience.” ~ Adyashanti 

As I watch the amazing cool young man on youtube who I love that has built a really innovative business (in my opinion) and as I watch all the beautiful teachers of human inquiry and enlightenment and healing….

….without the belief that I am missing something, or that they have something I don’t, or that I’ll never get there….

….I notice I’m delighted beyond words. The variety of success, joy, abundance, wisdom is infinite in this environment.

This place, here, in this particular human life is just right for now. It’s like a garden blooming full of flowers of the most amazing varieties. Today, it turns out, this is what is called for, that is what is moved to, this is how it moves.

It’s not personal.

“Reality is something I can trust. It rules. It is what is, and once it is, there’s nothing I can do to change it for the moment. Nothing. I love that. It’s all so beautiful…..There’s a perfect order running. I’m a lover of what is. Who would I be without my story? Without my story, in this very moment, is where God and I are one.” ~ Byron Katie

Without my story that I don’t have that, or there is something different about that other person’s life (more successful, easier, bigger….or for that matter less successful, harder, smaller) then this moment is quite brilliant.

It’s one gigantic I-Don’t-Know.

I am here, with myself, and find whatever this is (this person who is apparently me) is temporary, unfinished, filled with life energy, watching, taking things in, communing with these other visions of people.

I turn the thought around: I am not missing anything, nothing at all. I have all that is needed, here now. I could die this moment and know it’s been enough, is enough. I am the most incredible person, I LOVE myself, what an interesting human! 

Could that be as true?

How does it feel, despite all the heartache, setbacks, mistakes, loss, failure….to know that you didn’t miss anything, you have all that is needed, that you ARE the qualities you admire, and it’s fine if they don’t look like that person over there.

They look like you, over here.

Even if you DO have doubt about yourself or your abilities, what would it be like to feel that turnaround right now, in the second you’re reading these words: there is something right with me, this is good enough, I love, I enlighten, I serve, I am abundance, I make a difference, I am radical and kind, I am awareness. 

“We are that awareness, whether we’ve noticed it or not.” ~ Rupert Spira

Appreciating This Process

“I wanted to share with you that as a result of doing My Work relevant to ‘Eating Peace’ I am having one of the most peaceful, easy and gentle in my mind evenings home-alone nights in a long time.  I don’t eat much during the day, but evenings are my tough times. Lots of surprising underlying thoughts to Work with have come up, and I feel deep appreciation for this progress. Thanks so much for holding the space for this!” ~ K

Much love, Grace

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I Must, Should, Ought To, Have To, Will!

I must, I have to, I needa, I should, I will, I ought to, I shall…..

These kinds of thoughts enter the mind in an instant and will repeat themselves in a light way, or an intense pushy way, constantly.

You’re in great pain, feeling sick because you’ve done what you said you would never do: buy, spend, drink, eat, watch, lust, obsess, contact, chase, grab, surf.

Maybe you’re physically sick because you’re practically killing yourself with substance abuse…and this is that moment where you’re very aware that this is happening and how much it hurts.

I must quit, I have to quit, I need to control myself, I ought to stop. 

Or, on a slightly lighter note, maybe you’re experiencing a transition like a relationship break-up, a job change, a new housemate.

I have to hurry, I need to work hard, I must change this situation immediately, I will change it, I ought to stay vigilant.

Or, even on a very teensy subtle flicker of a note, you flash on a desire for change.

I should get a new car, I must get that adjusted, I have to finish this today, I ought to be more organized.

Two weeks ago, I looked at the little space between my refrigerator and the wall of my house. I can stretch my hand into that space, my palm touching the white wall, the back of my hand almost touching the fridge. On the other side of this wall is the outside of the house.

My palm feels the damp. There is pealing paint. The rain pours down and obviously there’s a leak up above. Maybe a big leak.

I think “Dang, I MUST figure this out. I need to call someone. I need to find a roof/leak specialist. ASAP!”

Then I walk away, and a few days go by and I forget about it.

I know, I know. It could be really serious, or expensive, and a hassle.

I called someone last year for the same problem, and they came and fixed something on the roof, and my husband paid him some cash, and we thought it was handled.

But something calls for looking again.

It’s the same with our leaking beliefs, right?

Here comes the awareness that something needs attention. I feel pain in the form of worry, stress, sadness, fear, anxiety, irritation.

I say “I really HAVE to do something about this.”

But that thought, in itself, sometimes fosters stress. The pushiness, the demand, the command, the attack, the screaming.

Like you’re yelling at yourself to do it.

You might find, if you don’t like to be yelled at, that you procrastinate, forget about it, dismiss it, or say “I’ll look into that later, when I damn well please, it’s not that freakin’ serious, jeezus.”

If you have a thought that you HAVE to do something, and then right on the heels of this a turning away from that thought, you may want to take a look.

Are you sure you have to?

No, of course not.

I am free to move or not in that direction. I can drag this out, I can stop now, I can ask for help. What’s inevitable?

But without this thought I might never do anything! Never achieve anything! Never try to get safe or secure! Never keep the eyes on the prize!

Without this thought that I MUST do something, my roof will cave in and the wall will keel over, exposing my kitchen to the outside air.

Really?

You’ve already had the thought that you should do something, though. Maybe for years. Is it working to have it? All that yelling, or reasonable well-meaning encouragement, or instructions to the self….how do you react when you believe these thoughts?

Annoyed, depressed, sad, like a failure. Sometimes, suicidal.

What if you didn’t have that thought that you MUST do something, think differently, change something, move differently, take action?

What if you felt different about the idea of doing it…like it wasn’t a big dang hassle, it’s just an idea?

(I just paused this Grace Note, wrote the email to my good friend who does remodeling stuff on houses to ask about who he knows who is a roofing specialist. Done.)

That’s what happens without the thought. Without the heaviness of should, must, will, have to, ought to, never-let-up, never-forget, push it, oh-what-a-bummer.

Something moves that has nothing to do with should/should not.

“It’s just a thought. What are you without the thought? Nothing. Not vulnerable, not invulnerable.” ~ Adyashanti 

I turn the thought all the way around: I do not have to, there is no must, there is no should, I don’t need, I don’t know, there is no ought. 

If I simply relax, slow it all down, stop doing anything for a minute and follow the simple directions…oh look. Do that next. Call for help. Write an email. Walk over there. Get dressed. Breathe. Be quiet. Go to sleep.

There are simple directions…have you noticed? You can follow them. With ease.

“When you follow the simple way of it, you notice that reality holds all the wisdom you’ll ever need. You don’t need any wisdom of your own. Plans are unnecessary. Reality always shows you what comes next, in a clearer, kinder, more efficient way than you could possibly discover for yourself.” ~ Byron Katie

“I” MUST wake up now, is it true?

Hee hee.

Much love, Grace

 

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Do I Want Security or Freedom?

The other day I was remembering how I used to be when I felt upset. I might feel afraid, or angry, hurt, or sad.

Back then, I wouldn’t have any way of considering that I might be filling my entire body, my psyche, my mind, my spirit with frightening images, terrified beliefs, disturbing thoughts.

I might feel terrible because I perceived danger, or something bad had happened. I’d get overwhelmed very fast.

Like those flashes on a screen that cause subliminal desire for popcorn. The mind took in a photo so fast, but your full consciousness didn’t register. You didn’t “know” you were just shown a photo of popcorn.

That’s how my relationship with food felt….like some weird subconscious, uncontrollable cravings or trance-like states would come over me.

It would seem like I just started eating.

When I entered therapy to find help in understanding my behavior, desperate to heal it, I discovered that most of my life I was not sure how I was going to feel from one moment to the next.

And I hated this!

I wanted to feel GOOD, and safe, and loved, and comfortable…all the time.

If I felt unloved, threatened, and uncomfortable….danger.

To change the feelings, eating was my number one go-to activity. If I was angry, I would eat with anger, shoving in food and hardly tasting it. If I was sad, I would eat very comforting foods, more slowly, but eating until stuffed. If I was terrified I would eat quickly, gulping it down, hiding behind a closed curtain in my apartment.

Drinking often worked, too, although I would drink alcohol with other people, not so much alone, and it seemed to make me less nervous around humans.

Smoking had a way of changing the channel as well. Kind of a slow, deep breath, stepping outside somewhere, a way to pause, wait, stop.

But eating. Wow. That was rough! (No kidding, a decade of bingeing, vomiting and hating myself…definitely rough).

An awesome therapist I had suggested keeping a binge journal. Writing down my feelings when I ate cray-cray.

At first, I hated the idea and wouldn’t even do it. Then, I tried reluctantly. I would think “I hate that this is on paper, so embarrassing, so awful.”

But then, as I read my own writing….I discovered that when I overate or had a huge craving to binge, or started graze eating or dreaming of food when I wasn’t hungry….

….I was always afraid, angry, sad, lonely and thinking in pretty extreme ways.

When I got more involved in studying addiction, in graduate school, and by getting close to people in 12 step programs of every kind, I felt a kinship.

I started to realize that I had a very deep and abiding fear of darkness. A dark, gripping, haunting dread of…emptiness, death, destruction, aloneness.

I thought I was alone.

But it turned out, other people felt the same way.

“How do I react when I think the thought? I see the images…and then I experience the emotions….and if I’m an addict, I’ll use. I mean, afterall, life isn’t worth living anyway. I’m so depressed and no one can help me–THIS helps though. So I grab my drug of choice, my drink of choice, my partner of choice, my gaming….We all know how we react when we’re depressed….Anything to change the emotions.” ~ Byron Katie

What was one of the most stressful, painful thoughts that had to be in place to even want to binge eat?

“The world is a dangerous place.” 

Killer thought.

It puts you on alert, makes you sad, makes you feel lonely (because Other People are a part of the dangerous world), makes you build your defenses, and work hard at being careful.

So let’s take a look, with The Work.

Is it true that the world is a dangerous place?

Well, duh. The only way out is death. Everyone dies. Everything is temporary. Love is temporary, connection is unstable, people leave, people attack, there’s not enough for everyone, people suffer here!

OK, before you see every image in your mind of death, war, bombs, starvation, disease and terror…..

….see if it’s absolutely true that the world is a dangerous place?

You might still say yes. Accidents can happen here. Right? Although, lots of fun, miraculous, spectacular stuff goes on as well. Life, love, change, evolution, invention, joy.

But. Well. I’m still not sure. I see lots of dangerous stuff in my head.

How do you react when you believe the thought that the world is a dangerous place?

Very careful, cautious, quiet….sometimes grabbing moments of giddiness and connection with other special people (lovers, family, friends), acting like there’s no tomorrow so do whatever today I want, pretending I don’t care.

Who would you be without that belief?

This could take a moment.

Without the thought that the world is a dangerous place? Like all that bad stuff isn’t…dangerous?

Hmmm.

“The Unknown is more vast, more open, more peaceful, and more freeing than you ever imagined it would be. If you don’t experience it that way, it means you’re not resting there; you’re still trying to know. That will cause you to suffer because you’re choosing security over Freedom. When you rest deeply in the Unknown without trying to escape, your experience becomes very vast.” ~ Adyashanti 

I turn the thought around: the world is a safe place. It is my mind that is a dangerous place.

Well, now, that explains why I am having a horrible time in my apartment, eating, when the person next door is having a wonderful time in theirs.

And this turnaround does not mean I am a terrible person, I’ve just given my mind a terrible project—believe the world is a dangerous place and react when I see the proof that this is true.

I spend time considering that the world is a safe place, is not a dangerous place. I see that the world is indeed a wonderful, safe, amazing place. I’m only here for a short time. How would I know that this isn’t ingenious?

What if that darkness is my friend? Even if I’m not so sure yet…just the very possibility that it is my friend feels…exciting. Thrilling. Joyful.

With the thought that darkness is safe…or at least not dangerous…what do you notice about your urge to eat?

“Some of you, your mind is not open, and don’t expect it to be. There will be windows when you’re willing, just be gentle…..It can only be what I’m thinking and believing that causes depression, not me. Not me.” ~ Byron Katie 

Much love, Grace

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Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend Coming 4/4

I wanted to let you all know that I’ll be offering my non-residential weekend Horrible Food Wonderful Food, limited to 14, Friday night April 4 – April 6th….in only a month.

The weekend is an ever-expanded in-depth look at the stressful beliefs that I found to be in place that created overeating, binge-eating, obsession with healthy eating, or diet mentality.

I share with you what I found that freed me from that cycle, and you identify what you’re thinking that causes you to stay stuck in yours.

Then, we’ll take these stressful beliefs to inquiry, using The Work of Byron Katie.

This weekend will offer a great tool for your tool box in your journey of healing compulsive or emotional eating…or just thinking too much about weight, or food.

Sign up by writing to me at grace@workwithgrace.com or clicking this button here: undefined

“Our work is not to change what you do, but to witness what you do with enough awareness, enough curiosity, enough tenderness that the lies and old decisions upon which the compulsion is based become apparent and fall away. When you no longer believe that eating will save your life when you feel exhausted or overwhelmed or lonely, you will stop. When you believe in yourself more than you believe in food, you will stop using food as if it were your only chance at not falling apart. When the shape of your body no longer matches the shape of your beliefs, the weight disappears.” ~ Geneen Roth 

Could it possibly be true that witnessing, looking at what you’re thinking, and questioning it, is enough?

Yes. It has been for me.

Join me for the weekend next month.

Much love, Grace

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Stop It! Just Stop It!

Oh so sweet all the lovely inquirers who came to participate in the teleconference yesterday morning.

For those who missed it but wanted to do your own work and follow along, click here. Please keep this confidential and hold it as the personal and sacred work that it is.

There were so many who listened in (so touching!)….your presence was wonderful, and thank you for coming and questioning your thoughts and being with us as silent participants.

So many people love questioning their beliefs….and it isn’t always easy to understand how to do it.

Recently I worked with someone who was deeply disturbed by the unknown that presented itself when considering question four.

Who would you be without that thought?

Yikes. No idea.

Like on the phone call yesterday….as we looked at the belief“that person should STOP doing what they’re doing.”

Maybe without the thought, if someone were threatening us, we wouldn’t KNOW it….and we’d get badly hurt, we’d be crushed, we’d walk right into dangerous situations, we’d die.

It was late at night several years ago and I was having trouble sleeping.

I had not heard from someone I loved dearly for a long time, despite occasional emails and two long heart-felt phone messages left on her voicemail.

I had asked “Is something wrong? Have I hurt you? I love you, you know….”

Nothing.

I was entirely confused. We were close, we shared intimately. This was one of my best friends. I would scan my mind trying to think about what could have happened.

Time for the work. A perfect thing to do when you can’t sleep.

Is it true that she should stop offering silence, non-communication, emptiness?

Yes. I can feel it. Something changed, something off. I don’t know if it’s me, true….could be something else….but how strange.

I would feel better if there were contact.

Can I absolutely know that to be true? Am I sure? Would I really feel better with contact? Am I sure it’s true that I would be better of if she STOPPED being silent?

No. In fact, I love silence.

I used to be uncomfortable with silence, but now it is so incredible, I almost can’t wait for the next quiet time, the next meditation retreat…I am even thrilled about being in silence without going on retreat.

But with her…would things be better, if only….

No. Can’t know that’s true.

How do I react?

I think, think, wonder, imagine, reach out, ponder.

People have this feeling with someone they are newly interested in sometimes: he should call, she should email, I wish I would run into him right now, she should be here with me….this aloneness should stop.

It doesn’t feel exactly relaxed, you know? It’s slightly edgy, nervous, sad, worried….or aggravating, feeling extremely hurt, knife in the heart.

So who would you be without the thought that he or she should stop that? Stop being silent? Stop interrupting? Stop coming too close? Stop moving too far away? Stop leaving?

“Truth never explains why it’s moving that way at that moment. And if you ask, it won’t give any information. It would be like a leaf asking the wind, “Why are you moving that way right now?” The question doesn’t make any sense to the wind.” ~ Adyashanti 

Without the thought I wait, I move towards, then away, then I rest, I let the wind out of my sail, I stop trying, effort-ing, pushing.

Then one day several weeks later, after that late night doing The Work, I made a discovery and find out something about my good friend, completely by accident, that is absolutely shocking (or seems so) and then I even chuckle because I thought I might know what couldn’t have been known.

And I realize all that is possible is to hold that dear person with the greatest compassion, with all their frightened reactions and mixed up responses and mistaken dramas….

….and I remember this is also me.

I have imagined the worst, made up dramas, reacted with fear, had mixed up responses going on inside MY mind. Imagining “bad” things because of….silence.

The mental process is the same.

“We’re all children when we believe unquestioned nursery-school thoughts. – He’s a bad person, it’s not fair, I need to be punished, I’ll cry to get what I want, I’m a victim, you are my problem.- Have you graduated yet?” ~ Byron Katie

I turn the thought around: I should stop what I’m doing.

Especially when it comes to that friend, to my relationship to the unknown, when it comes to silence and uncertainty and lack of approval or contact from someone….I should stop.

Because it hurts to imagine what THEY are thinking.

“That’s the part very few people come to know: it can stop. The noise, the fear, the confusion, the constant changing of these inner energies–it can all stop….You thought you had to protect yourself, so you grabbed the things that were coming at you and used them to hide……But you can let go of what you’re clinging to and not play this game….It will stop. No more struggling–just peace.” ~ Michael Singer

Stop what I’m doing? Stop this war with that person, and what they’re doing? Let go, and stop clinging to my ideas, my demands, my war with what is?

Yes.

Much love, Grace

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Failing At Life? It’s Only A Thought

In our last Eating Peace class yesterday morning, we were looking at underlying beliefs….

…not just about eating, food, bodies, weight…

…but underlying beliefs about LIFE.

As people read their work, their painful concepts they held sometimes about life and living, their lists were deep, sad, terrifying, upsetting and dark.

But no one was alone in thinking them.

“There are no new thoughts.” ~ Byron Katie 

One thought that several people identified was “I am a failure at life”. 

This thought appears very softly, in a little whisper….or very loud, in a scream. Either way, it’s wonderful to question.

Is it true that you are a failure at life?

Even in that ONE area…you know the one. That moment that wasn’t up to par, that exchange that you screwed up, that result that didn’t happen, the outcome that wasn’t optimal, that mess you made in the past.

Was that a failure?

Yes. I know what success looks like. Not that.

Are you positive? Was it a 100% failure? By YOU? Your fault?

No.

How do you react when you believe the thought?

Tired, sad, annoyed at the other person (or people) involved, angry, seeing the faults in many, desperate for change, hopeless.

Who would you be without that belief?

If you just landed here from another planet—BOOM—you’re a person named (insert your name here). Go.

If you were a flower growing in a garden.

If you were a tree in a forest.

What would it be like, without that thought that you are a failure at living? What would it feel like? What can you imagine? How would you walk down the street? How might you eat dinner?

“When your image of the me takes a break, you’ll find all you are doing at that moment is just being open. You feel quite relieved that you are not trying to get to another moment or a better experience. You feel yourself just being in a very relaxed, easy sense of peace. You haven’t gained anything at all–you’re not smarter, you don’t necessarily know more than anyone else, and you haven’t suddenly become holy.” ~ Adyashanti 

Turn the thought around: I am a success at living. 

Could this be as true, or truer?

Are you alive? Breathing, heart beating, observing this world from your area.

Is just being you enough? What if it was?

I chuckle at the other turnarounds: My thinking is a failure at living…it’s not actually supposed to be successful at living. It comes and goes in whisps and fits, highs and lows, appearing, disappearing. Thoughts live and die.

Another turnaround: I am a failure at dying. So far, this is true. I apparently inhabit a human body. That is still alive. And even after the body is dead, it will turn into earth or ashes and carry on in other formats.

Perhaps, there is no success, or failure. Wow.

“You may realize that most of your life you made the present moment into an enemy. You didn’t say “yes” to it, didn’t embrace it. You were out of alignment with the now, and so life became a struggle. It seemed so normal, because everyone around you lived in the same way. The amazing thing is: Life, the great intelligence that pervades the entire cosmos, becomes supportive when you say “yes” to it. Where is life? Here. Now.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

How would you go about your usual day today, without the belief that you are failing, once failed in the past, or could ever truly fail again?

In a few hours, if you’d like to join a 90 minute free telecall to do The Work together, you’ll get the opportunity to investigate a painful situation in your life, and question an underlying belief about it.

Here are the dial-in instructions:

Primary dial in number: (425) 440-5100
Secondary dial in number: (206) 494-4023
Guest pin code: 305799#

Skype: enter “joinconference” right into your keypad where you normally dial a phone number (no spaces). When you are prompted for the pin code, open your key pad again and enter it.

Extra help for skype users: Click HERE.

Finally, if you’d like to connect via computer and not participate “live” then at the time of the call but only listen in, click here.

Let’s do The Work. A tiny shift in thinking, today, could change your life.

Much love, Grace

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Free Telecall Doing The Work March 6th 8:30 am Pacific Time

Everyone interested in a cost-free telecall tomorrow (3/6), come join me live for 90 minutes to do The Work together at 8:30 am Pacific Time.

This will give you a little taste of what it’s like to work on a conference call from the privacy of your own nest, your office with the door closed….

….or maybe like some, you’ll dial-in from your local coffee house and follow along even though you’re on “mute”.

All you need to bring is a pen and paper, and your open mind.

Here’s the dial-in instructions:

Primary dial in number: (425) 440-5100
Secondary dial in number: (206) 494-4023
Guest pin code: 305799#

Skype: enter “joinconference” right into your keypad where you normally dial a phone number (no spaces). When you are prompted for the pin code, open your key pad again and enter it.

Extra help for skype users: Click HERE.

Finally, if you’d like to connect via computer and not participate “live” then at the time of the call but only listen in, click here.

I’m so looking forward to doing The Work with you on Thursday, March 6th at 8:30 am. At the end there will be an opportunity to ask questions about Year of Inquiry which starts Friday.

Much love, Grace

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I Give Up

Every so often, I get the urge to close up shop, sell the cottage, and go live in a monastery.

You think I jest!

But no.

There will be a moment of fleeting thoughts, perhaps the to-do list…..

….the roof is leaking, the bed needs to be made, I need to post information about the April Horrible Food Wonderful Food weekend because hardly anyone knows about it yet, I should finalize my 2013 taxes and send them off….

….and then, for no apparent reason except maybe the natural inclination to escape, the thought enters “I give up”.

An idea to bring everything to simplicity. A surrender. The thought to lie down on the floor and do nothing.

Oh dear, though.

Then nothing would be done. And the darkness, or emptiness, or depression, or despair might take over.

The other day I was working with a lovely inquirer who came to this realization….

….”if I don’t have a drive to change, then, I wouldn’t change!”

This is one of my absolute most favorite difficult and troubling concepts to question.

If I love everything the way it is, as it is right now, I won’t TRY to achieve anything. I won’t move, I won’t take action, I won’t want to do anything.

Ever!

Are you sure?

Yes. I dream of lying on the beach all day, doing whatever I want, whenever I want to. I dream of meditating, living in the monastery, being extremely simple, reading books. I dream of staying in bed all day, eating or having sex or sleeping.

Everyone’s got their images of dreamy non-doing.

Are you positive that this is what you’d be doing, this is what you’d follow and how you’d live, if you had no urgency to change, no stress, no upset?

Well. I’m not sure. Personally, my answer is no.

I don’t know if I’d like endless monastery life, I hate staying in bed all day, and the beach is only fun for me if I get in the water, talk, walk or play volleyball, or meditate under the shady umbrella.

How do you react when you believe the thought that you can’t stop feeling stress because your stress motivates you to change?

And of course, you HAVE to change. The current state of affairs sucks, right?

Not enough! Too much!

But who would you be without the thought that you need to change, and you need pain to motivate you to change?

I am not talking about pretending that your state is pure heaven, when it is not.

This is not weird mind-control, affirmation, crazy-ville talk.

But really, when I realize that perhaps not only pain motivates me, but actually support, love, encouragement, silence and relaxation support me…

…I feel relief. I feel excited. I feel much more creative.

I don’t feel physically hopeless.

I notice I have energy, thrill, movement, action arise inside me. I love writing. I love organizing and studying what works for people around healing eating issues. I love dancing.

I only like lying on the floor doing nothing, sometimes.

Without the belief that I absolutely HAVE to change, I might notice that I kind of love the idea of change…and even that I can’t help but change…that it’s not possible to remain stagnant and NOT change.

Without the belief that only pain makes gain (eww) things appear to be very obvious much more quickly. I follow my intuition, I don’t get side-tracked, I remember what the point of All This is, is unknown (to the mind) but I may as well enjoy the ride.

(I love how Adyashanti always says “enjoy yourself”, it makes me chuckle and nod).

Turning the thoughts around, I find I do NOT need to drive change in order to change.

Nothing big and dramatic actually needs to happen…I can notice tiny movements towards honesty. I bring up something I’ve been wanting to speak about to my mate for awhile. I tell my deepest truth to a family member. I ask for help. I pray. I stop hiding anything. I look up at the sky with rain falling down on my cheeks.

I question what I’m thinking.

This organism moves.

“‘My life is over’–ask ‘is it true? Can I absolutely know? How do I react when I believe that? Who would I be, just in this moment, if I didn’t believe it?’ Then turn it around and allow life to show you the new way to move forward, the way that you haven’t seen yet…..When your old plan is gone, your mind immediately fills with new possibilities.” ~ Byron Katie

If you did not HAVE to change, and you relaxed on your urgency to force something to happen….are you sure you would give up, and do nothing…or that nothing would then happen?

“Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it.” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

Wow, now that’s a turnaround.

Yes! I can do this! I give up! All is well!

Much love,

Grace