Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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One Sneaky Belief Successful People Think That Keeps Their Stress High

Breitenbush 4 day retreat is in 3 months—exactly! To find out more and learn how to sign up: CLICK HERE. If you register early, you get a big wonderful variety of housing choices. And an early-bird price!

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As I’ve spent more time in the last decade discovering quite astonishing things about this mind that apparently inhabits whoever I am….

….I’ve noticed some really fascinating stressful beliefs about success, clarity and seeking answers about life.

I’ve encountered hundreds of people wanting to end their personal pain, addiction, compulsive urges, unease, or unhappiness.

Often, when people get some traction, stability, when they find solid ground, they aren’t so sad or traumatized anymore. Through personal inquiry, they question deeply and they stop reacting so fast to the world around them as if it’s dangerous or dark….as if it hurt them.

Then after awhile, they might feel more successful. They might start feeling creative, dreaming bigger dreams. Maybe they dare to try something completely different.

Exciting!!

Sometimes people say to me that they feel finding The Work and self-inquiry saved their life.

They realize that their relationship with their spouse, before the work, was going downhill. Fast. Or their connection to one of their children, or a sibling was rough. Sometimes Money was agonizing at one time, and now they’re out of debt completely (like my story) and doing pretty well. Or they were a survivor of a major life trauma, and now they can actually find peace in the midst of all that.

Something shifted…..but then…..some other slightly stressful ideas appear.

Now that I feel so good, renewed, rejuvenated, more clear than ever in my life….I should be doing it differently: faster, better, bigger.

I call it the Success Stress part of the story. You feel stressed because you’re thinking thoughts about the ways you, or your world, could improve.

I should be more successful by now. I should be over it. I want to make a difference. 

These are little persnickety thoughts that create a little frustration. But if you don’t take them to inquiry….they may grow. You may not realize how powerful they can be, and how debilitating.

I should be somewhere other than here, where I am. 

Especially when it comes to my weight, my health, my spiritual awareness, my generosity, my love life, my career….you get the idea.

Let’s take a look, with The Work.

Is it true, that you should be doing better in that department by now? Is it true that you should be somewhere else?

Yes. I know I’m capable of much more. I have a book proposal almost done. I have fantastic workshops that could be taught to many more people. I want to spend more time with my family. I want to go on some adventures.

Can you absolutely, really, really know this is completely true?

Well…it SEEMS like it would be nice. It SEEMS like I’ll feel very psyched, thrilled and proud. But no, I can’t really know.

And there is something about being here, today, that is sooooooo sweet, even as I work on my writing or upcoming retreats, or plans, or buy plane tickets.

How do I react when I think the thought that I should be THERE, not here?

Clamped down, like I’m racing. Competitive with an image of the future. Pushy. Determined. No down time. Little rest.

I say “there’s no time, there’s no time, there’s no time” in about three hundred different ways through my week. Like everything is QUICK, quick, quick!

But who would you be…..you successful, clear person who is so eager to learn and grow….who would you BE without the thought that a little further on is better?

That next week or next month or next year you need to be MORE successful and YOU have to wake up, expand, achieve?!!!

Wow. Kind of crazy, how different that is from the usual way. You mean, it’s not up to me, all by myself?

“Most humans are never fully present in the now, because unconsciously they believe that the next moment must be more important than this one. But then you miss your whole life, which is never not now.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Even though I feel so much more content, so changed, since being able to identify and question what I believe….do I still think that the future might be just a wee more important than today?

And if so, who would I be without that belief?

Who would I be without even knowing what success actually is? Without needing or wanting anything more in this day, today?

I notice that I don’t lie down on the couch, which is one of the greatest fears of so many successful people if they give up their drive, their motivation, their discipline. I don’t quit, I don’t go to bed.

I don’t FEEL like going to bed! I write with joy. I contemplate. I feel so excited, creative, alive. I write and tweak new curriculum. I spend time with my cute husband and children.

I actually feel more energy NOW than I ever used to feel when I had the thoughts that I MUST achieve success.

And I could die today–ha ha! What freedom!

“To cease cherishing illusions is a way of inverting the energy of seeking. The energy of seeking will be there in one form or another until you wake up from the dream state. You can’t just get rid of it……And if you’re like most spiritually oriented people, your spirituality is your most cherished illusion. Imagine that.” ~ Adyashanti

If you notice that you’d like to dissolve stressful beliefs about your own success (or lack of it) then you will LOVE coming to Breitenbush in June. No matter where you are on the trajectory of life, whether you’re wanting to question deep disappointment, or mild angst, come join me and my co-facilitator Susan Beekman.

If you need to rest and sink into deleting your stress, this is an amazing venue, a gorgeous natural environment, and very affordable.

Click here to read more.

I can’t wait to meet you!

Love, Grace

 

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You’re The Teacher

When I offer a weekend workshop or retreat, those of you who know me will know that I always read sacred poetry, and I repeat the same ones several times over the weekend.

Because once is not enough to hear every beautiful nuance or understand the meaning.

Twice is not enough to hear what you didn’t hear the first time.

Three times is getting closer…where you might say “oh, wow, I get it now”.

And in more times after that, you may hear different lines, words, meanings than you ever heard so far.

Mind is like that.

So full, so busy, so big, so wide. Crunching hard at seeing, hunkering down, making plans, analyzing, being surprised being delighted, fearful, joyful.

The past weekend during our Year of Inquiry retreat the amazing people present did some fantastic looking.

We ended our Saturday together meditating on the stressful thought: something threatening is happening. 

Everyone could find that thought, a situation in which they believed it to be very true. Many people thought that something threatening COULD happen.

Absolutely possible. True true true.

Illness, accidents, death, mean people, time passing, loss, hurt, destruction.

But who would you be without that thought? Without the belief that anything threatening has happened, is happening right now, or will happen later?

Kind of hard to imagine. But that’s where to start: imagination.

Because that’s what you have already….a wild imagination, thinking fearful thoughts.

So why not imagine who you would be without the thought?

Who would you be a few hours from now, or next week, or in a month? Or next year? Or at the end of your life on your death bed?

Without the thought that something threatening is happening?

“A teacher of fear can’t bring peace on Earth. We have been trying to do it that way for thousands of years. The person who turns inner violence around, the person who finds peace inside and lives it, is the one who teaches what true peace is. We are waiting for just one teacher. You’re the one.” ~ Byron Katie 

When I don’t believe something threatening could happen (or ever did) a mystery enters that is brilliant, dark, unknown and very exciting.

I love this moment.

I turn the thought around: nothing threatening is happening.

Wow, what does that feel like?

What if ultimately nothing truly threatening ever happens?

“The Infinite uses all measures in order to awaken in all the various forms in existence. It uses birth, life, death, happiness, sorrow, clarity, and delusion in order to awaken.” ~ Adyashanti

If all that happens is used for awakening, if every form in existence, every feeling, every trait, every delusion, every stressful thought….is for you….

….then wow, nothing to worry about.

Love, Grace

P.S. If you’d like to join a future YOI, let me know. Our retreats are always equinox weekends March and September. Amazing inquiry, amazing people.

 

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The Moment Is Always Benevolent

Soooooo excited about so many people coming from all over the country to spend a weekend together in our Year of Inquiry group. They are here! Arrived in Seattle!

The anticipation! The happiness! Hand-clapping!

Because….I love doing The Work all weekend. There is depth and clarity by staying with the process in a steady, consistent way. Even when we change it up (partners working with each other, group exercises, walking, imagining life in our turnarounds) it’s like we’re saying we love the company of our own minds.

OK, well, maybe that’s getting a bit carried away….because one of the deeper reasons people gather together to inquire is because sometimes, the company of our own minds has NOT been loving.

It’s been downright nuts!

Not long ago, I spent some time with a wonderful inquirer who was looking with anticipation at an upcoming event.

She was going to be seeing an old flame, at a wedding. She was not feeling very happy about it.

He’s going to try to come over and talk with me. He’s going to ask why we broke up again. He’s going to beg, or cause a scene. 

I asked her if she was positive that was true?

She couldn’t know. It was in the future. In fact, she actually couldn’t even REALLY know that he would be there. She just HEARD that he would be.

How did she react when she believed the thought that it would be uncomfortable to see Mr. X out in the world?

Tense, now, in this very moment (3 months, by the way, before the event). A rush of adrenaline pulsing through her. Anxious. Worried.

I remember having the same kinds of thoughts. Someone I hadn’t seen in over 2 years. Big event with many people. Every day I would think about what I might do when I ran into him…and fortunately I had The Work and I would come up with “I don’t know” and wind up chuckling.

I even imagined hugging him and being so happy to see him.

But I know what it’s like when it’s not so funny. When the person you have in mind hurt you. Badly. When things were a mess between you, and you feel unresolved, you feel fear.

So, without forcing yourself to go anywhere, or do anything you might not want to do….who would you be without the belief that the person in question could hurt you? Or cause a scene? Or ask you questions you think you don’t want to answer?

What if you turned it all around and you felt the same kind of anticipation I myself feel about all the wonderful people coming over to inquire together all weekend at our retreat?

Right in this moment now, what if this was possibility, thrill, joy, wonder, and living in an I-Don’t-Know state?

“Anyone in harmony with what is has no past to project as a future, so there’s nothing she expects. Whatever appears is always fresh, brilliant, surprising, obvious and exactly what she needs….For her, everything is new. She has never seen it before. In the innocence of not knowing, in the wisdom of not needing to know, she can see that everything as it appears in the moment is always benevolent.” ~ Byron Katie

Always benevolent.

Even the possibility of “benevolent”….so fun, so exciting.

Maybe you can not only handle that thing that’s going to happen, that person, that test, that evaluation, that encounter, that interview….

….maybe its good, good, good. No matter what the outcome.

Love, Grace

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The Be A Good Person Campaigns

It’s funny the list of “shoulds” any one of us might have in our beliefs about what a good person does, thinks, or says.

The way you know you have rules, your belief system, is someone breaks them.

Or YOU break them, and you feel guilty.

Either way, kinda bummer situation.

So let’s say there’s someone in your life who does something a little irritating, or really terrifying….

….and you have the wish that not only should they stop being like that so they don’t freak you out….

….but while you’re clenching up against them, you’re holding a picture of what they should be doing instead.

In other words, you know what it looks like, to make it better. Someone broke the rules. Someone swayed from the suggestions, the recommendations, the plan for a really good, successful, easy, happy way.

Now, here’s a little tricky trick that some minds do in this situation (gosh, could I relate?): Oh, wait, it’s not them, I feel bad about being so judgmental, so I guess it’s me. I shouldn’t be so harsh, I should be accepting, I should be more spiritual, I should forgive, I need to be a better listener, I shouldn’t shut that person out, I should be nicer. 

The problem with this twist in the plot, when it becomes your fault, is you don’t really get to identify and work with the threatening Other Person and what they are presenting to you, for your deepest discovery.

You don’t get to find out that maybe you aren’t a horrible person….but maybe you’re afraid. Maybe you’re terrified. Maybe you’re nervous about losing something, dying, missing out, being unloved.

I’ve worked with lots of people who say “I don’t have judgments towards others, the worst judgments are towards myself.”

People who have addiction escapes, often food, feel this way a lot. They think of themselves as losers, irrational, undisciplined, unmotivated, over-emotional, insecure, greedy, needy or insane.

It’s not you, it’s me!

The funny thing is, maybe it’s really true that this situation has nothing to do with the other person.

But not the way you think.

The only way I found that I could really understand myself, was to admit the judgment I had of the other. Like an honest confession. Letting the fearful thoughts have their say, cutting them loose.

A very long time ago, I was in a romantic dynamic with a man where he kept saying things that scared the crap out of me. And guess what I looked like on the outside?

Exactly the same. Maybe a slightly flushed face. Frozen.

Before he said the words…After he said the words…THE SAME EXPRESSION. Total storm, fear, panic, worry, stomach twisted in knots on the inside, and a great conviction that I will not show how I feel.

Why? Because Good People Don’t Say Mean Things. Good People Don’t Get Too Emotional. Good People Don’t Get Pissy.

Fortunately, I had come across The Work by then.

I knew to let my judgments rip on paper, in the privacy of my own mind. Even though my mind also was screaming that I was such a bee-och, I ventured to start with that first step. I followed the directions.

There was a moment when I realized that my anger was so intense that I wanted to chop it out of myself, it felt toxic and terrible. But instead of reaching for something to distract myself or trying to delete the feeling of anger….I looked.

But if you have a hard time starting….you may be able to loosen the thorn in your own eye by taking a look at your self judgments.

I shouldn’t be this upset. I shouldn’t let this person get to me. I shouldn’t pay attention, I should be kinder. I shouldn’t be so bothered.  

Is that true?

Yes! I’ve always been taught that. It’s nicer to be around people who are non-upset, unbothered types….isn’t it?

Can I know absolutely that this is true?

Well. It seems that having ideals to live up to is a good idea. I must control my base emotions. I must hold it together. I really do not want to cause harm.

But how do I react when I believe the thought that I shouldn’t be upset, when I am upset?

Sick to my stomach. Angry. Stuck. Torn between my own thoughts of hate to myself or hate to the other. Messed up. Discouraged. Irritated. When I felt like this, I would think of food in the past. Anything comforting. I wanted solid ground.

But who would I be without believing that I shouldn’t be upset?

Wait…really? I’m allowed to be upset?

Wow, I notice that’s a relief. It takes a certain seriousness away from the whole thing. I’m still upset, because I am….but I can trust that maybe something is off. I’m a human. I’m regular. I don’t have to work so hard. There’s something natural here going on, called “upset”.

I get excited to do The Work.

I turn the thought around: I should be upset, angry, irritated. I should let this person get to me, I should pay attention, I shouldn’t be kinder, I should be bothered.  

How could all this be true, or truer?

First of all, that’s reality. I am moved. That’s the truth. I’m feeling it, baby!

Second of all, these people who have bugged me, they have taught me the most amazing teachings in my life. My enemies and frenemies have offered a crash course in awareness.

“Thoughts are friends, not enemies. They’re just what is. They appear. They’re innocent. We’re not doing them. They’re not personal. They’re like the breeze or the raindrops falling. Thoughts arise like that, and we can make friends with them. Would you argue with a raindrop? Raindrops aren’t personal, and neither are thoughts. It’s the meaning you attach to those thoughts that you think is personal.” ~ Byron Katie

Could it be that my feelings, in the presence of this person, are not enemies? Could I be trying not to look and see something really important, that maybe I don’t REALLY want to see (except I do)?

Here comes being upset. Here comes nervousness, anxiety, rage, fury, sadness, despair.

Without the thought that I know what I should do, or he should do, back then, I noticed tears welling in my eyes, my throat closing with sadness, and I notice with great compassion that I am saying goodbye.

“.…true awakening will not fit into the world as you imagine it or the self you imagine yourself to be. Reality is not something that you integrate into your personal view of things. Reality is life without your distorting stories, ideas, and beliefs. It is perfect unity free of all reference points, with nowhere to stand and nothing to grab hold of.” ~ Adyashanti 

Who would you be without any reference point for yourself, without grabbing on to any of those judgments about who you are being?

You may not expect yourself to be more than you actually ARE right now.

“You’re supposed to love yourself?’–is that true?…You’re not supposed to love yourself yet–not until you do. These sacred concepts, these spiritual ideas, always turn into dogma.” ~ Byron Katie 

Love, Grace

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Do What’s Right For You

When I first started working with people building my own practice as a practitioner of inquiry, offering classes, working with people one-on-one, teaching retreats and workshops….I wanted as much experience as possible.

I worked with anyone who wanted to do The Work.

I offered free sessions. I filled my schedule. I would ask people if they wanted to be a practice client. I would ask people if they’d enjoy participating in a class.

The more doing of it, the more sessions, the more minutes and then hours and weeks added up…..the more confident and clear I became.

Sometimes people now ask me how to build a private practice.

While there are many technical details like websites and connecting with others for marketing, one of the most important things I found is to give your service. Even if you don’t get paid.

But Not Forever.

Because that isn’t a business, that’s a form of personal service at a volunteer level, and not everyone can support their own food, shelter and clothing with no income.

Sometimes, people ask me about scholarship help, trading a service for my work….and I always consider their commitment, their situation, their desire.

I almost never have people who pay nothing at all unless there is a valuable trade we can make. People have awesome things they’ve given me. Beautiful art, handmade pottery, computer design, website help.

There is a feeling within about the exchange that is loving, generous, alive. I had a woman, a beautiful client, who came out of rehab with nothing, almost zero cents to her name, who put together all she could which was $20 per month for the two months she was in one of my classes.

For her, it was a lot. She didn’t miss one single call, she did all the homework, she emailed with questions. She wasn’t messing around.

Not all the exchanges go like that one, though.

I remember a man who kept asking me to attend a live afternoon half-day retreat I offer every quarter or so, where I spend time making preparations for each individual attending, buying materials, food, creating the space.

He would contact me and ask to come for free. I said what would work for you? He said he could afford nothing. Nothing would work for him.

I said how about $5 to cover snacks and materials? He said no, he couldn’t afford it. After another request, I said yes, come for free, no need to pay even $5.

He arrived in a big car, which was his own, and I couldn’t help think that he had to be able to afford the gas to drive to the workshop. And the car.

Even though I had done so much personal inquiry on money…. I experienced a little flare of resentment.

I was no longer suffering with very low income myself, I wasn’t afraid to have a business and charge fees, I received, I gave my all back, I had stopped feeling embarrassed about needing money in the first place.

This stressful thought about this retreat participant was like a mosquito bite. Itchy, annoying.

Here were my stressful thoughts: he doesn’t value what I’m offering enough to pay even $5 for it, he wants something for nothing, he’s scamming me.

Ouch. Time for inquiry.

Is it true, that he doesn’t value what I’m offering? That he wants something for nothing?

I don’t really know. He may have hugely massive stressful beliefs about money, The Work, his own capabilities. It probably has nothing to do with me.

But that one piece of me wondered. It wasn’t satisfied. Worried that it could be true.

So how did I react when I believed that he was not being fair, withholding, feeling scarce, not valuing my expertise, not valuing this work, or that he’s lying about what he can’t afford?

I didn’t feel 100% open to him. I felt a defense, a carefulness. I felt like I was being ripped off, undervalued. I felt puzzled. I felt like I wanted to teach him that you don’t do that to people.

Sigh.

Who would I be without the thought that I know what he’s thinking or valuing, intending or caring about? Or that I need him to value me by giving me money?

Jeez. So ashamed of these thoughts. I’m too greedy. I’m not trusting.

Stop. The question was “who would you be WITHOUT that thought?”

Not “try to get rid of the thought quick because you are a loser when you have it.”

Without the thought, I noticed I loved his participation, his sweet work, his genuine caring for his own life and how he was perceiving him “problems”. I saw how hard he was trying. I had no idea how money fit into all that.

And that didn’t mean I had to say “yes” again.

Turning the thoughts around, I see with clear awareness what was truer in all those moments of questions and answers, saying yes and saying no:

I am not valuing myself in that moment, I don’t value what I’m offering enough to pay even $5 for him, I want something (money) for nothing, I’m scamming myself in that moment because I’m thinking I need to say yes, or no, to be a good person.

Wow.

How can I live the turnaround to value myself?

Value myself. If I have questions, bring them up. Trust the process of honestly sharing. Trust that when someone has nothing to pay, that is so right for them (it was powerful for me, when that was my situation).

As Byron Katie says, I can love them, but it doesn’t mean I have to go to dinner with them, or live with them.

Being absolutely wide open honest, kind, full of love for all the others and for me….all connected.

No one getting left out.

“To think that I know what’s best for anyone else is to be out of my business. Even in the name of love, it is pure arrogance, and the result is tension, anxiety and fear. Do I know what is right for me? That is my only business.” ~ Byron Katie

Money teleclass starting again soon! We get into these kinds of wonderful thoughts. Exciting!

Love, Grace

 

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Is There Something Wrong With You?

One by one I’ve been interviewing all the participants who took my recent 8 week Eating Peace class.

I LOVE getting feedback.

It’s like we’re engaged in a project together to investigate this common and sometimes agonizing experience when the act of eating feels stressful, NOT peaceful.

And I’m learning how to deliver information in a way that is easiest, most direct, clear, supportive.

In the end, the most important thing is, how can I be of greatest service? What works? What induces or inspires freedom, change, an alternative experience, one that is useful?

Of course, there are no guarantees. No way to apply an exact formula. It’s a process, a practice. It’s an un-doing really, not a doing of anything.

Doing Nothing.

I remember how I used to feel when I would have “episodes”. Code word for frantic binges, eating everything in sight and buying more, stuffing food in like I was trying to hide it, in a panic.

Quick! Emergency!

But not everyone has such extreme anxiety or urgent cravings and actions. Some people will buy one candy bar and gulp it down, or continuously return to the cupboard for more raw cashew butter or vegan brownies, grazing off and on all evening.

Sometimes, people sit down with food while watching television and feel semi-conscious of how much is going in their mouth and down their throats.

But for just about everyone….there is a moment in time later on, after the eating, when they have the thought that they must be sick, crazy, failing, missing something, hopeless, lacking any discipline.

A pretty difficult thought to believe: something must be wrong with me. 

Yeah! Look at the evidence. Extra weight. Isolation. If normal weight, then the evidence is this obsessive eating, this obsessivethinking.

Even if you don’t have an issue with food, or it’s very minor and of fairly little concern, you can find where you might have evidence of the possibility of something being wrong with you.

For some people it’s change, loss. Divorce. Illness. Confusion.

Something must be wrong with you. 

Is that true?

Yes.

Why can’t I stop acting or thinking this way?

Can you really know that it’s true though, like for All Time, that doing this thing or being that way MEANS there is something wrong with you?

For me, when I look back at who I was and how I behaved and how I lived…I can find how nothing was inherently wrong with me.

Something was out of balance. I was afraid. I was in a fog. Something wasn’t clear. It seemed like my best choice at the time.

I was believing some really troubling thoughts, and somehow I needed to eat at the time. Because that was what I did. Everyone is doing the best they can with what they’ve got, with what they’re believing, and that includes me. And you.

How did I react when I believed that thought, that something must be wrong with me?

Exhausted. Total despair. A feeling of the lowest energy and like giving up. Sometimes an inner rage, blistering words towards me, towards the whole planet. I’d go off on being in this world sometimes, saying or thinking things like “it’s completely insane!”

For some people, how they react to the thought that something must be wrong with them, is that they eat more, they snap at people, they push, they isolate themselves…..or, they try even harder and put on a fake plastic smile and overwork or take care of others and strive to be better, or take mega workshops.

But who would you be without the thought that the must be something wrong with you?

Especially given what you’ve done?

Realizing that there was something so powerful, important, crucial and fundamental happening in those moments of troubling or shameful behavior, that even if I didn’t understand it all….it was a clue, a gift, of the greatest awareness.

That activity I was doing, that thing I said, that uncomfortable behavior….could that mean that something must be right with me?

What’s a genuine example?

Instead of just going on autopilot that something was wrong, how was it right?

Here’s what I see as right, when I look back: I felt the pain. It helped me move away from the hot stove. I became aware of how terrified I was of other peoples’ anger and my own, and how I’d try to shut it down. I was too afraid of rejection, and didn’t want to ask for help for good reasons. I didn’t know another way, but I began to put energy into whatever it would take. 

I had the mechanism, naturally, that was like a compass telling me which way to go. I could feel it, even if I didn’t consciously grasp it.

And now, years and years later….I also realize that it put me on a trajectory that completely eliminated more minor food obsessy type moments. If I have any criticism of the body, it can barely get any traction.

I do not get involved with the “right” and “wrong” of food. I do not go up and down ten or twenty pounds. I do not have conversations about recipes, I don’t cook because I notice I don’t enjoy it, really, ever (and I don’t oppose it). I am happy with very, very simple food a lot of which turns out to be raw since I dislike cooking. Hilarious.

I have small moments of learning about food, with delight, but it takes just about one tiny percentage of my mental energy.

I have a good friend who also found how something was right with her for her past drinking behavior. She stopped, because it got unmanageable. Non-issue now.

What is right about you for getting divorced, for losing your temper, for being so clingy, for getting sick, for hurting your leg, for losing your job, for feeling like you can’t forgive……

…..for getting a Reality Slap (coined by Russ Harris)?

It waking me up. Eyes wide open awake.

I felt the discord in being a believer of those stressful thoughts.

Yes, something was really right with me. You may find if you even open yourself to this possibility, something inside sparkles.

Not screwed up. Not missing something. Not incapable. Not special. Same as all humans…feeling pain sometimes.

But wait, there’s more.

What if there is no wrong or right with you, nothing to counter or get rid of, nothing to add or find? 

“It is in the absolute surrender of all conditions and requirements that Liberation is discovered to be who and what you are. Then the love and wisdom that flows out of you has a liberating effect on others. The biggest challenge for most spiritual seekers is to surrender their self importance, and see the emptiness of their own personal story. It is your personal story that you need to awaken from in order to be free.To give up being either ignorant or enlightened is the mark of liberation and allows you to treat others as your Self. What I am describing is the birth of true Love.” ~ Adyashanti 

What if There. Is. Nothing. With. You.

Oh, ha ha!

“We all already have everything. We all do. That’s how I can sit here so comfortably.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’re noticing difficulty in your inner world around food and eating, come join the Horrible Food Wonderful Food weekend, the first weekend of April right here in Seattle. Friday night, Saturday and Sunday all day, non-residential. $295.

Please email grace@workwithgrace.com if you have questions. If you want to attend and bring a family member or good friend, the second person is half the fee ($150).

Love, Grace

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Bring On The Bad Stuff

Recently with the Year of Inquiry group we gathered to do some looking at “underlying beliefs” in a conference call.

The definition of Underlying Beliefs is pretty much how it sounds….Beliefs that Lay Underneath. But its worthy of looking a bit to understand what is meant, what’s at play.

“Underlying” in the dictionary means to form a basis or foundation of something. 

A “belief” is defined as an acceptance that something exists or is true. But I once heard a lecture where the speaker said the way she defined a “belief” is a thought that you think over and over again. 

Even if you’re not positive it is 100% true. 

So Underlying Beliefs would be the foundation or basis of other beliefs, and full of core thoughts that you may be thinking over and over again.

Now….the crazy thing is that anyone who spends any time taking a look at their own underlying assumptions or beliefs….starts seeing holes in them. 

Byron Katie speaks of questioning the thoughts that are stressful. Don’t worry about the thoughts that produce happiness, kindness, love, peace, or joy. 

While there are quite a few wonderful exercises to help you identify clearly what your own stressful Underlying Beliefs are….one of my favorites is this simple exercise. This is the one the YOI group (Year of Inquiry) all did together the other day. 

Think of a stressful situation, an exchange you had with someone, an uncomfortable moment in time. See what you don’t like the most. What the person is saying, or doing? What’s going on in the environment? Are you losing something? Are you afraid of losing something?

Now….write down one thought you have about that situation, that you feel is upsetting.

She shouldn’t have said that. I need more money. He’s a liar. She hurt me. I’m too fat. 

As you look at that one concept that you are thinking about, regarding that situation….take a look at what Underlying Beliefs might have to be in place in order to believe this thought.

If someone had this thought, what beliefs would they have to have in place, some assumptions at a very deep level….maybe something that has been repeated for many years, in order to believe this thought?

You can do this without blaming yourself, tearing yourself to shreds, or feeling guilty. This is not about finding your faults, it’s only about research.

My thought: she shouldn’t have said that.

What would I have to believe, in order to be upset by what she said? What does it mean about me? Or about her? Or about life in general?

  • There are dangerous people (and she’s one of them)
  • I need to be careful in this world
  • bad things happen (banishment, betrayal, death, destruction)
  • I could lose friendship, love, approval, appreciation at a moments notice
  • people are unpredictable, they can hurt me

Once you have a concept or thought that appears to be true, or that you’re worried is true (even only sometimes) you can explore more assumptions that you may notice have been in place, maybe since you were a kid.

While they may be frightening, and bring up uncertainty, how amazing to then take these kinds of ancient thoughts, perhaps passed along for generations, to inquiry.For example….Bad Things Happen.

Even just saying it, you may notice images flash through your mind that appear to make this idea true. The mind will say “of course it’s true! Yikes!”

But is it? For real?

Like absolutely without any doubt?

Wait a moment.

Even if you say “yes” do some wondering about it, see if there’s any inkling of uncertainty….

…Because for me, I’ve seen amazing things come from what appears to be tragedy. I also have no idea if death is bad, or relationships that die are bad, or that change is bad, or that struggle is bad, or that destruction is bad.

In fact, some of the most incredible experiences and insights in my life have come from “bad” things happening.“There is no explanation you can give that would explain away all the sufferings and evil and torture and destruction and hunger in the world! You’ll never explain it. You can try gamely with your formulas, religious and otherwise, but you’ll never explain it. Because life is a mystery, which means your thinking mind cannot make sense out of it. For that you’ve got to wake up and then you’ll suddenly realize that reality is not problematic, you are the problem.” ~ Anthony De Mello 

How do I react when I believe that bad things happen? Anxious, protective mode, setting up boundaries, defending myself, eating lots of broccoli, hyper vigilant.

But who would I be without the thought that bad things happen? Even those bad things, yes. This is not denying that there isn’t some huge, gigantic, emotional shift, or that people aren’t completely bonkers sometimes (including moi) or that loss isn’t experienced……..this is not D.E.N.I.A.L. as Debbie Ford used to say “Don’t Even Notice I Am Lying” and thinking everything is roses and unicorns.

In fact, it’s the opposite of lying. It’s seeing and feeling the terror of annihilation, emptiness, loss, endings, apocalypse.

And then imagining who you would be, or what you would be, without the underlying belief that these are bad.

On my kitchen wall, every year my calendar choice has something to do with comics, superheroes, the incredible drawings of many artists. This year because of the LEG SITUATION (had to remind you, since we’re talking about bad things) all the exquisite comic calendars were sold out by the time I got to my favorite store.

I had to get a zombie survival guide calendar instead.

The more I’ve questioned my thinking, the funnier things are that involve total destruction.

Could it be that the rough stuff is not entirely evil, wrong and bad?

Well, so far, I’ve found something encouraging, fascinating, wonderful, curious, insightful, enlightening to come out of every “bad” thing that’s ever happened.

  • after divorce….movement towards viable, amazing career
  • after cancer….inquiry and awareness of love, kindness, do-it-now attitude, surrender, sweet preparation for eventual death
  • after death of friend, father….that person’s qualities in my heart and soul, inside me forever
  • after leg got injured….stunned to realize I don’t need a working body to experience joy….and slowing down
  • after misunderstanding with really close friend….career becoming more successful than ever
  • after losing much of what I owned, money, savings ….discovering my own safety

“Nothing ever goes wrong in life.” ~ Byron Katie

Isn’t what I mostly have wished for….my Underlying Wish….been for happiness, awareness, love, growth, clarity, and freedom?

Oh. Right!

Bring on the “bad” stuff.

Much love, Grace

 

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The Enlightenment Capers

A dear friend and I were recently talking. She brought up a most wonderful topic…enlightenment. Awakening. Spiritual freedom.

We both love this topic.

During the conversation, I noticed something I hear in “spiritual” discussion circles….

….or should I say, I hear it in my own mind.

The question of who is and who is not “awake”.

Suddenly I was struck by this way we humans have of looking, defining, contemplating the notion of “awake” or “enlightened” or “there” or “arrived”.

As one friend said to me once about a spiritual teacher he knew,  “he’s the real deal”.

How does anyone know?

How do I know?

For this exploration, I decided to make a list. When someone has these qualities, I see them as unenlightened:

  • cares too much or too little about other peoples’ behaviors or opinions
  • afraid of the future, regretful about the past
  • dishonest, cheat, liar, selfish, immature, childish
  • experiences big feelings like longing, anger, rage, terror, sobbing
  • triggered by some people, not by others
  • high maintenance – lots of needs
  • addicted
  • complainer
As I sat with my list, I was amazed by all the images, feelings and thoughts that floated around me.

 

I could point out the asleep, clueless people….and the awake, brilliant people.

 

Like I knew.

 

These people, like that…..these other people, like this. One side having crossed the line, the other side, not yet crossed.

 

Some people with it, some without. Some people taking the blue pill, some people the red pill (the matrix).

 

Gosh. Talk about duality.

 

I would know who is or is not enlightened. I would know if someone was clear, brilliant, there. I would know if someone was hazy, lost, not there. I know I am not. I know those people are.

 

Is that true?

 

I take a deep breath and answer.

 

No. I have no idea. I don’t “know” anything about all this, or what’s going on.

 

How do I react when I believe that there are some enlightened people and some endarkened people, and I’ve got a clue who is who?

 

Jeez. A world full of evaluation, comparison, resistance to the dark, pursuit of the light.

 

Not exactly relaxing.

 

So who would you be without the thought that you have any clue at all who is or who isn’t “there” based on behaviors like the list above…..including YOU?

 

Who would you be without the thought that anyone else in the world has something you don’t have?

 

“It is of no use to speculate about what enlightenment is; in fact, doing so is a major hindrance to its unfolding. As a guiding principle, to progressively realize what is not absolutely True is of infinitely more value than speculating about what is.” ~ Adyashanti

Who would you be without the thought that those people, with those qualities, are asleep?

It’s like starting from scratch, knowing nothing.

What if none of these qualities truly mean anything? About anyone?

Nobody holding a quality and keeping it, the possessor of it, the one who owns that difficult (or delicious) quality…nobody wrong, nobody right. Everyone where they are, in a great moving body of energy.

Nothing static, nothing permanent, nothing set in stone.

“People say am I enlightened? Well how would I know? But I know what freedom is, that I know. ‘Enlightened’ I have no thought to. ‘Freedom’ I do, and when we’re free there’s no problem and that’s a very friendly universe to live in. I love this planet.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the belief that Some People have something missing (and you could be part of some people) or that you must strive for certain qualities in order to be comfortable, clear, or good….

….whatever is happening right now is spacious, empty, unknown.

Everyone is amazing, even with their complaints, getting triggered, blubbering, yelling, judging, being needy, being addicted, sick, lying.

“You don’t want your happiness to be conditional on the behavior of other people. It’s bad enough that your happiness is conditional upon your own behavior. When you start making it conditional upon other peoples’ behavior, you’re in serious trouble.” ~ Michael Singer

Ahhh…I look forward to encountering people, whatever their qualities, and allowing them all to be exactly as they are. I myself can practice unconditional happiness in their presence.

Inner stillness, quiet, no matter what.

And when it gets disrupted, inquiry.

Much love, Grace

 

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Be Still And Want What You Want

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Housing choices get filled up very fast for this incredible time of year at Breitenbush (June 25-29, 2014). An amazing place to experience relaxation of body, mind and spirit in pristine forest. 26 CEUs for mental health professionals.

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Many people who contact me for self-inquiry have a common stressful belief. It starts with a very simple idea.

I need a partner.  

Then there are also variations on this theme: I need a better partner than the one I have, I need to be back with the previous partner I had before.  

Even if you are not concerned with looking at ending or beginning a relationship, but instead there is a little rift in your thoughts where longing arises, or upset because of past choices, or a reaching for that one that got away…..

….Is it true, that you need to add this Other to your life? Are you sure that would be an improvement?

Many people answer “no”. They are aware they do not “need” a partner. They realize there are benefits for their life, freedom, independence, autonomy, making a partnership with something other than an individual human, like their art.

But sometimes, people are afraid that if they don’t feel concern for finding a mate, they won’t even try.

Fine, I know I don’t neeeeeed someone. Forget it then.

Is that true, though?

What would it be like noticing that you think you would have a ball with a companion, enjoy yourself, connect intimately, explore someone else’s world along with your own?

What might happen if you talked about your concerns with that imperfect partner you have? What if you got crazy honest, about what you really, really want, without expectations?

How do you react when you think you don’t really need anyone, you shouldn’t really bring that difficult subject up with your spouse, it’s better if you put a lid on your interests instead of getting into all the mucky messy partner-hunting stuff?

Stuck in an in-between place. Wanting then not-wanting. Not really doing anything. Settling for this, the way it is.

But who would you be without the belief that what you want is hard to find, without any expectations for anything whatsoever, without needing a partner at all?

You may be surprised.

When it really doesn’t matter one way or another…who would you be without the thought that you need a partner?

Some people report that they either feel joyfully thrilled in their single-ness OR they become joyfully thrilled about getting to know tons of interesting, new, fabulous people.

“You know that the basic condition of the egoic self is of a very deep-seated sense of lack, of not enough, not complete. One of the main areas where it looks to fulfill that lack is in Relationship, the Other Person, He or She. He or She is The One. It’s painful. There’s a tendency for the mind to weave all kinds of fantasies, all kinds of stories, a very painful self-image of ‘me’. What is called love is the deep-seated need of the ego, that focuses on one form…… 

…..We need to acknowledge that there are personal affinities. But in themselves, they are never ultimately fulfilling. More often than not, they are a source of suffering. Love becomes a source of suffering when the transcendental is missing. How does the transcendent come in? By being spacious with the other. Which essentially means that you access the Stillness in yourself while you look at the other.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Without the belief that a partner is better than no partner, or that no partner is safer or better than a partner, then companions arrive and it’s fun, companions go and it’s OK, every way is good.

Byron Katie says about her husband “he’s brave enough to be married to the impersonal.”  

Turning the thoughts around: whatever is happening now (partner, no partner) is fabulous.  

Can you find your genuine reasons why?

“Happiness is the freedom to be as we are, however we are; richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, gaining or losing, succeeding or failing, wanting or not wanting, approving or not approving, forever. Happy is what we are and what we’ll be if we don’t believe we are wrong to be as we are.” ~ Bruce Di Marsico

Love, Grace

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Memories Bringing Love Into The Now

The other day I walked through my childhood home here in Seattle. My parents owned it for 28 years.

A friend had driven by, and seen the For Sale sign in the front. She had spent many nights there. With four girls in our family with a span of under six years, there was a lot of voices, activity, movement, people coming and going, meals, parties, meetings, community.

The friend who drove by wanted to see the inside again. So did I. My daughter, my current husband, my mom, my youngest sister, my niece, one brother-in-law….we all came at the appointed time.

As I stood in my parents bedroom I suddenly felt the strangeness of remembering my father’s death right in that very room, of leukemia, almost 25 years ago.

All of us had been there with my dad when he passed. It was odd to think “it was right here”. Images flashing of holding his hand, all the candles that were lit, the bed was over there, the dresser was here….

….and then other images and scenes from totally unrelated times in that same room. Here’s where the closet door used to stick, and it still sticks. Here’s where we passed to go out to the roof top to sunbathe.

As I entered the basement I could hear Earth, Wind and Fire in the distance from all the house dance parties, so much dancing. My sweet sixteen party.

My first wedding.

And my own bedroom. No furniture, seeing the past overlaid onto the space, the walls and the shell of the room in the Now.

People call it nostalgia, taking a walk down memory lane. With so much life lived in that house, there were many memories popping, floating in the room. Even in the front hall closet, running my hand over the wall paper, the very same coat hooks.

Then somewhere in the corner of the mind, a sadness. Something moved, felt, the ghosts of the past, these moments, gone forever.

I had the thought “Life is temporary. Now I am standing here, remembering, and many years, over.”

What is sad about it?

Time for inquiry.

All that life passes by, unfolding, and every moment temporary, gone, vanished except in ghost images in the mind. Sad.

Really? Are you sure it’s sad, uncomfortable, haunting? Are you certain that this walk-through in this moment is not perfect, hearing the voices echo in empty rooms NOW?

Are you sure you miss it? What is it you think you miss? Is it really gone?

Yes! On a timeline, things go from beginning to end. I was happy then, I was care-free (not true), I miss my dad, I’ll never be that young again.

Is that really a sad thing? Are you positive?

No. 

I notice what happens when I believe that there is a past and it’s gone, or over, and that this is sad. 

So who would I be without the thought that remembering all those moments, seeing the images and pictures, is sad?

Realizing that this house was built long before I ever existed, and others also lived here, and it will stand long after I am gone.

The way of it is things come and go, things are created, then they dissolve. 

“It’s just a thought, with no energetic or emotional pull. I no longer live with any sense of lack. When that is gone, life is just lived in the here and now, like I say, loving dogs or eating prime rib or whatever–not to reach a later goal.” ~ Scott Kiloby 

Could this be very, very happy, this moment? Not seeking any repeated moment, not seeking any later goal, not hoping for something else?

I turn the thought, the feeling, the experience around….just to try it on, not to try to get away from the feeling of nostalgia or that something missed. 

Could even this moment, remembering so much, be good, be OK, be beautiful?

My current partner, asking me questions, my youngest sister asking me if I remember the way the pantry door hit the dining room door and what a hassle that always was, and us laughing. 

My niece saying to reenact my wedding for everyone, and me hamming it up. Laughter. My mom saying “I’m sure those stained glass doors were never like that” and everyone else saying they remember those doors to be exactly like that. 

Everyone hugging each other goodbye, everyone touched.

On the way home in the car saying “shall I take you out to dinner?” to my sixteen year old daughter, when I almost never go out to dinner at restaurants, or take her by herself.

My daughter saying “this place is so awesome, I want to have my next birthday dinner right here!” 

Laughing with her, sending a snap chat to her brother, my son, of our delicious food. Talking with her about my memories, her grandpa. 

Something being re-membered right here, in this moment. A little piece of story told, joyfully, for no reason.

“Life without a reason, a purpose, a position… the mind is frightened of this because then ‘my life’ is over with, and life lives itself and moves from itself in a totally different dimension. This way of living is just life moving. That’s all.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love, Grace