Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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Nothing Ever Goes Wrong

Yesterday morning in our YOI (Year of Inquiry) Tuesday group we began looking at The Worst That Could Happen, our topic for the month.

It’s not easy. 

Often the way the human mind works is that it will flash images of that worse case scenario, and also chatter (or scream) at you about how you better make sure to prevent it or do everything you can to try.

Then your mind will also say “You have to stop thinking about this! Control yourself! What’s wrong with you?!”

When people think of the worst case scenarios that could happen in their lives, just the very exercise of calling this forth can be stressful, troubling. 

Why think about that? Don’t we have enough stress as it is, with regular life, not to add in MORE drama and trauma? Jeez, are you trying to bring me down?

But returning and considering my greatest fears, many times now using The Work, has been a way to stop, wait, pause, investigate and actually melt that pain.

Really.

While people had very disturbing worst case scenarios in our group yesterday…..death of those we love, destruction, loss, suicide, trapped…..one brave inquirer focused on losing all possessions, money, assets, and her home.

Can you imagine it?

It’s an alarming idea for many. Owning nothing, having nothing.

Let’s look at a very simple, very painful thought, that appears for so many at some time in our lives. It doesn’t necessarily have to be losing your savings, or house. It may be your marriage, your youth, your family, your sanity, your freedom.

You lost it. 

Is that true?

Yes. I once had a big beautiful house. I once was a child who never worried about money, or body image (which plagued me in my twenties). I once had two young children and an intact family. I once had a leg without huge scars in it from 250 stitches, accidents and cancer. I once had a dad who was alive.

I lost them all.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true, that I lost them? 

No. First of all, I do remember all these things, I remember them before, and after. I feel the joy of having had them, and now, I have something different. I know everything in this entire world is temporary, everything changes. 

Second of all, I’m not sure who the “I” is who lost something. Even if I did know who or what “I” was, I definitely can’t know that “I” lost it.

So how to I react when I think the thought that I lost something, or that I COULD lose something around the next corner?

Sad, terrified, anxious, full of plans, controlling my environment, expending energy on keeping things together. Spending time thinking about losing stuff, distracting myself from believing this, talking myself down.

Quick! Think about something nice!

When I was a little kid of about 8 years old, my dad told me I could think about something pleasant if I woke up having a nightmare. I thought of a dancing ballerina wind-up music jewelry box. 

But it didn’t really work all that well. I’d feel the haunting nightmare over my right shoulder, while staring into the spinning ballerina and hearing the music in my mind, kind of like stuck between the two paradigms. Believing both were possible.

It helped a little. Maybe.

With the thought that loss is possible? Panic. Worry. Sadness.

Who would I be without that thought though? Not as an act of dancing ballerina, but instead seeing this thing full on that I am calling loss: no house anymore, no money, no car, no health, no family. It’s gone.

But I don’t have the thought that it is lost.

I sit for a moment. I watch the mind rattle that idea around. I look around, even right now, typing as rain hits the window pane. The quiet room pulsing with life. Lights, cup, table, fingers.

Without the thought that if something is gone, it MEANS that it is LOST….

….a very small chuckle, a kind of pin prick of light enters in the back of my mind. Sort of behind, from somewhere in the distance, and yet not the distance. A fluttering in the center of my chest. Tears almost choking up into my throat, but they are oddly joyful, a warm buzzing heat through my whole body.

Nothing is lost. 

I found it. 

Could this be as true, or truer? 

Like the moment in the movie Titanic when Leonardo Dicaprio unhooks from the destroyed piece of floating ship raft, and his frozen body sinks and fades into oblivion, into the ocean. Not lost. Found. 

“Nothing ever goes wrong.” ~ Nisargadatta Maharaj

What if all these things lost me?

I try on this turnaround. They lost me. I became unhooked from those stories, I stopped knowing which way was up or down, I fell backwards, I relaxed, I stopped pushing forward, I surrendered, people helped me. 

In that terrible moment of the Worst Case Scenario, how would I know it’s not really the best case scenario? Maybe death, letting go, endings, giving up, hands opening, stopping….maybe these are where we are going anyway, all of us. No choice in the matter. 

All I know is, when I lost my house, my money, most of my possessions….it was a wake up call of a lifetime. It rocked and shook things up so deeply and I came to a fork in the road where I could HATE myself or LOVE myself, and everyone involved. 

I could find fault with others and this situation, and with myself….or not. 

I did The Work, and I couldn’t choose anything but love, or I would have been lying.

Since I “lost” everything, I have gained confidence, clarity, aliveness, energy, freedom, creativity, an inner silence that is unshakable (so far…mostly), and a sense that I can handle just about anything that was never before felt. I have a thriving and growing business doing The Work. I’m writing a book. I have zero debt with the exception of one mortgage, that I’m paying off. 

Would I trade that, for having that house and money that I “lost” back?

No. Thank you.

“That’s why you usually have a good laugh, because you realize that all your struggles were made up. You conjured them up out of nothing–with a thought that was linked to another thought, that was then believed, that linked to another thought that was then believed. But never could it have been true, not for a second could it have actually existed. Not ever could you have actually suffered for a reason that was true–only through an imagination, good, bad, indifferent.” ~ Adyashanti

If you’d like to go on a journey exploring your stories about MONEY starting next week at 5:15 pm-6:45 pm pacific time, join me for an 8 week trip. It may change your entire story. It sure changed mine.

We start 4/16 and end 6/4….but you can keep going after that. 

And the story might get better and better. 

Much love, Grace

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When Wanting More Or Less Contact Is Stressful

An inquirer wrote me recently and asked me to write about the experience of people being offended when you set a boundary.

Of course, I don’t know the exact situation and what everyone involved is thinking, feeling, assuming, wondering or feeling stress about.

But what a great situation to investigate….because I’ve got a personal example.

Let’s say you email, send letters, send gifts, call someone, make contact every so often….and you do indeed care about them, it’s not like you hate them or anything….

….but they never respond very quickly. Or at all.

Sometimes people have this experience with family members, their kids, their grandchildren, an old neighbor, someone they used to work with.

It’s a kind of dud communication. Uneventful, unsatisfying, or just nada. Nothing there.

Then let’s say….a completely different kind of communication goes on in another type of situation, where you are the RECEIVER of emails, letters, texts, phone calls, requests for coffee, how-are-you messages….

….but YOU don’t really feel moved to write back or return the call. 

I’ve had both. 

You may lean one way more often than the other, depending on your personality or preferences. 

So what’s going on when you feel trouble in either side of these scenarios?

Usually, some basic assumptions are going on….that hurt: They don’t like me, they think I have nothing to offer, he is too demanding and needy, she is too impatient, I need to tell him to stop, I need to tell her I’m giving up and won’t call again, that person is rude, they think I am rude, I need him to call me, I need her to stop calling me, scream!

So whatever your situation, whichever side of the scene you’ve been on, whether you’ve been reaching out to no avail, or someone is over-contacting you and won’t stop…..let’s do The Work.

I need to do something (speak up, set limits….something). 

Is it true? Are you sure?

Feel what is happening in your body. Are you trying to control the situation? Do you feel nervous, or afraid, or sad? Are you thinking that person isn’t safe? Are you feeling hurt?

Do you have to do something?

Well. No. I could pause. 

How do you react when you believe you have to do something about this error in communication? Whether too much or too little, for you to be happy.

Wow, all kinds of reactions. Like…FINE, I’ll stop ever ever making any attempts to contact them. FINE, I’ll delete their phone number from my cell phone. FINE, I’ll write a goodbye letter explaining how I will no longer be their friend. FINE, I’ll make myself forget about her. FINE, I’ll send an email saying Do Not Contact, No Exceptions.

But who would you be without the thought that this is not acceptable, and you needa do something about this whole communication break-down?

“True communication is communion–the realization of oneness, which is love.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

One of my favorite teachers, Anthony de Mello, speaks often of the burden of being a slave to the behavior and attitude of People. When people reject you, or praise you, notice the power they hold. Rejection may mean silence for you, praise may mean they call you back right away. 

Notice how you assess them based on their reactions, efforts, contact, appropriateness. 

Who would you be if it did not matter how others respond, or do not respond? Who would you be if you knew you were one with life, with the present moment, and within that present moment people come and they go?

Without the belief that you MUST do something to stop or start better communication……you may or may not do something, and you may enter another place of being altogether with those others. An unknown place, mysterious, clear, open to change at any moment, resting without change. 

No need for control, or being nice, or pushing, or complying.

I turn the thought around: I do not have to do anything about this communication situation. I have to do something about communicating with ME in this situation.  

There are no rules about who should communicate when, or how, or how frequently, or in which manner. 

I am moved to speak, with peace, or respond in perfect timing, or notice that I can’t actually get to all the emails I have. Nothing personal. 

“Isn’t what you really want is to meet the world, kicked back? Without the thought that you need anyone is to be open to every human being, every cat, dog and tree. And you don’t have to marry anyone just because they’ve flattered you.” ~ Byron Katie

I notice that every moment I can question my mind. I can see what my story is and see if it’s really true. Even in small (or large) communications between me and other humans. 

When I communicate with myself, with love and compassion and trust, when I care for myself so dearly and lovingly and give myself exactly what I need, I notice that I am very kind to others, very open, very interested. 

Or silent. 

If they object to how I respond to them, I might say “tell me more, I want to understand.” 

But only if I really do. 

Much love, Grace

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Not Believing Your 10,000 Thoughts = Peace Around Food (Or Anything)

Wow, I loved doing The Work this past weekend in Horrible Food Wonderful Food with the beautiful inquirers who wanted to look at the way they eat, view their bodies and examine their compulsive movements with food.

Not only did we question powerful thoughts like “there won’t be enough for me” but we also looked at one person in our lives whose behavior, words, or even a “look” disturbed us.

That person was bothersome….and it may appear that they have nothing to do with our relationship with food or eating.

But it may be more closely related than you think.

Try this test.

First, pick a situation where you got scared, upset, nervous, irritated, worried, confused. It’s a scene from your life. There was another person, or a group of people, involved.

It can be hard to choose sometimes, when there might be many moments spent with this other individual. So allow one particularly troubling moment to come to mind.

It doesn’t even have to be that big of a deal….the most important thing is you have some objection to someone. You didn’t like something about the situation you experienced with them.

Then, write down all your beliefs about this situation. Write down why you’re disappointed or nervous, what you would prefer instead, what you wanted, what you needed in order to be happy.

Now you have your troubling concepts written, on paper, in front of you.

Here’s where the interesting part about food and eating…or ANY addiction…comes in as a part of your investigation into your stressful experience of reality.

Let’s say you write this about someone: I am upset with him because he lied to me. I want him to grow up. I want him to vanish. He shouldn’t have ever started talking to me. He should cut the crap. I need him to apologize, relax, stop being so dramatic, enjoy his own life. 

You may then do The Work with any one of these concepts, asking the four questions and finding your turnarounds (opposites) and exploring the truth of your story and if you really believe it.

Now, to investigate further with your addictive substance (in my case it was food)….here’s the interesting test:

Turn all your thoughts around to the opposite, to yourself, and plug in the word “food” and try it on like you’re trying on a different outfit.

I am upset with myself because I lied to myself about food. I want me to grow up when it comes to food. I want my thinking about food to vanish. I shouldn’t have ever started talking to myself about food. I should cut the crap. I need me to apologize to food (to my body), to relax, to stop being so dramatic, to enjoy my own life especially when it comes to eating food. 

Wow. What an awesome prescription for what I needed to do next, to face my addictive behavior.

I can spend more time with this prescription, specialized for me only as it was built out of my own stressful perceptions (of that other person).

Instead of that other person, or thing like food, needing to change, in order for me to be comfortable, could it be ME who could be comfortable first?

Can I stop lying to myself and telling myself all kinds of detailed, intricate, wild, chaotic, sad, violent stories about food, eating and this body?

“You just stop telling your mind that its job is to fix your personal problems. This job has broken the mind and disturbed the entire psyche. It has created fear, anxiety and neurosis. Your mind has very little control over this world. It is neither omniscient nor omnipotent….You have given your mind an impossible task by asking it to manipulate the world in order to fix your personal inner problems.” ~ Michael Singer 

Today, I know that eating something will not solve my personal inner problems. It will only fuel them, quite honestly.

Drinking, smoking, engaging in obsessive thinking about a relationship, shopping, cleaning, setting goals….these also won’t resolve anything in the inner world. Yes, they will distract me, cause temporary memory loss, create drama, make me feel relief.

But all that is really not that fun. I tried them all and they really all stopped working. And I wanted more than relief.

I wanted liberation.

So in that moment when you feel like reaching towards something like a candy bar, a cigarette, a magazine, memories of that giddy moment with a lover….

….could you remember to ask yourself “is it true, that I need or want this?”

Is it true that this present moment isn’t good enough?

Is it true that I’m hungry? Or unhappy? Or lonely?

Is it true that this moment won’t be changing in a few seconds, without my help?

“You can have ten thousand thoughts a minute, and if you don’t believe them, your heart remains at peace.” ~ Byron Katie

Doing The Work on anything addictive, on others, on what I object to in my life in any way….is such a great alternative job for this analytical mind than demanding it resolve the situations or people I encounter in my life.

And funny thing….the more I have done The Work….

….the urges, cravings, commands, demands to DO something (like eat, or think, or plan)….

….all vanish.

For all those who wrote to me about doing Horrible Food Wonderful Food via web cast, YES, I will do an online retreat soon on this topic where you can join from anywhere in the world.

I love your creative ideas, and your sweet and amazing desire to set yourself free.

Much love,

Grace

 

 

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Your Hidden Beliefs That Drive Addiction (Like Overeating!)

Even though we have a small group today, we’re on. We’re goin’ for it. The time has come. Day retreat here in Seattle on food and eating. Come on over!

Time to rip off the overlying cement layer of pain that drives addictive behavior, and check under the hood.

If you’re in Seattle and can make it by 10 am out to Goldilocks Cottage in the northeast end….then we’re taking the trip in to investigate hunger, cravings, the urge to eat when you’re not exactly hungry, and what you don’t like about your body.

Call me at 206-650-1230. You can also register by clicking right here, and I’ll send you directions and all you will need to join us.

You don’t need extensive experience doing The Work, you only need an open mind and a readiness to take a look at what is going on inside it that makes you eat or feel about food in a way you don’t really like.

Even if you’re not near Seattle….you can start right now on looking at any addictive pattern you may enter. Keep reading.

It almost doesn’t matter what you do. The outcome bothers you.

Some people can’t stop cleaning, pulling at their hang nails, watching TV, thinking about their “ex”.

And then you attack yourself for being such a dunce, for eating wheat or sugar again, for stuffing your face. Because there’s obviously something wrong with you.

But what if you set those really intense, heavy, negative, mean thoughts that you yell at yourself completely aside?

This is the cement layer that often, can’t be penetrated.

The self-hate is so vicious, you just want to get some relief, get away, rest, and find some solid ground. Your own mind seems to be an enemy. You give yourself the nastiest motivational speeches you’ve ever heard. If anyone else spoke to you that way, they’d be called totally insane, or seriously abusive.

But instead of trying to get away from that Mean Voice today, how about let’s see if there’s something else present, that you may not be quite seeing directly, that you’re believing to be true.

This might be hard, but it’s worth it.

Answer these questions:

  • What else are you hungry for, besides food (or whatever else you use to get distracted)?
  • What is not exactly satisfying, in your life?
  • Where do you not feel satiated, full, or comforted?
  • What about your life feels empty?
  • Do you feel dependent on anything? What?
  • Where do you feel unsafe, nervous, or terrified…past or present?
  • When do you say “yes” when you’d prefer to say “no”?

Enough questions, for now.

What are your answers?

What I know is that food is required for life, apparently. It’s a source of life. It’s pleasurable. It’s comforting and soothing. At just the right amounts, in balance. Too much food is sickening, frustrating, and uncomfortable.

But if you overeat, something inside of you believes it is worth the discomfort….it’s giving you something you think you need.

Maybe there’s something else, a ghost hunger, that you’d rather NOT see. Maybe it’s frightening, very sad, or feels hopeless to see this thing you want or wish for.

You don’t ever have to look at your thoughts…..but if you don’t….you’ll keep having the yo-yo problem of being in control, then out of control, up then down, barely relaxed for a moment, then panicked. Swinging all over the place, and then making a new food plan.

The inquirers who can come at 10 am today are bravely going to take a look at this “problem”. You can too, sitting quietly by yourself wherever you live, to write what seems to be really true for you.

Once you identify your struggle in a way that is beyond “I can’t control myself” or “I’m hideously fat” or “I’m a rotten person” then you’ll be able to question what you’re believing.

Once you question what you’re believing, you may find your urges and cravings begin to dissolve. You may relax.

“…we are in a psychological prison created by our minds. Until we begin to realize how confined we are, we will not be able to find our way out. Neither will we find our way out by struggling against the confines we have inherited from our parents, society, and culture. It is only by beginning to examine and realize the falseness within our minds that we begin to awaken an intelligence that originates from beyond the realm of thinking.” ~ Adyashanti 

Beyond the realm of thinking!? Wow, really?

It means you don’t have to be a brilliant thinker to become free from compulsive behavior.

“God doesn’t make junk. It’s wonderful to realize that it’s not a possibility. There is no mistake.” ~ Byron Katie

Just for today, quiet yourself, and write down some of your stressful, repetitive thoughts. Once they’re in writing, you’ll be able to take them into inquiry.

You can do this.

Much love, Grace

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The Secret Surprise In Giving Up Security With Money (or Food)

I am thrilled to say that a completely updated, exciting and light-bulb blasting 8 week money telecourse is fresh off the press. Over time with teaching the class so often, we’ve zoned in on some powerful ways to dig into the beliefs under the surface when it comes to money….

…the underlying ones you can’t always get to unless you take a little time out to look. 

Money, and all it means, can bring massive tension. It doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor, or somewhere in between. 

The beliefs sit below as a foundation. Sometimes festering. Bringing about anxiety, suspicion, insecurity, concern, judgment about other people, worry about the future, wanting to avoid things from the past ever repeating again. 

We’ll start soon, on Wednesdays. Most likely on April 16th at 5:15 pm Pacific Time. Hit reply if you’re interested and I’ll be sure to include you on updates. 

Speaking of Underlying Beliefs (my favorite!)….

….this weekend a few inquirers will be doing some excavating in the realm of food and eating. (If you’re interested, we’re swimming in this topic on Saturday in person at Goldilocks Cottage in Seattle, my home). 

Horrible Food, Wonderful Food. Too Much, Not Enough.

I used to call the workshop about food and eating, and my telecourse that covers the same material, “too much, not enough” because it seemed like I could never hit the “just right” mark. 

Like there was this point, somewhere in the universe, where all would be well, comfortable, guilt-free, happy, and totally and completely contented when in came to feeding myself….

….but that point was never reached. 

It was like being on a merry-go-round that was a mile wide, trying to reach the golden brass ring when the ponies came round to one side. 

I would reach, reach, wait, get ready to grab that brass ring…but fail. 

And then, because the merry-go-round was soooo big and enormous, it would take days to get back again to that one place where the circle meets brass ring and the dangling prize could be grabbed at. 

But never actually owned, never done, never there. 

Ack, what trouble. 

That impossible psychizophrenic flip-flop around food was torturous. Highs and then lows. In control, out of control. Losing weight, gaining weight. Bingeing, starving. Gorging, refusing everything. 

I just wanted some peace!

(Funny how food and money have some similarities….ahem. Wanting more, feeling undeserving, anorexic in our thinking, fat in our beliefs, desperate, starving, insecure…)

So I would muster up my plan and gather resources, like I was fighting a battle (I believed I was) and then other more important reasons to drop my plan would arise. And instead of looking at the power of those new beliefs….I would attack myself. 

You can stop that cycle. 

But it takes some Work.

“We go to the refrigerator even though we’ve just eaten, or we pick up the cigarette we said we’d never smoke again and on and on. It’s alcoholism. It’s a drug addiction, mind addiction. When I found this work, or it found me on the floor, that day later I picked up a cigarette to smoke it…and it looked insane, and I began to laugh and I couldn’t do it. What happened was, I was seeing. What happened was, I did The Work and smoking quit me.” ~ Byron Katie

Instead of trying so wildly hard to get it, find it, see it, believe differently, change…what if you gave up? What if you stopped altogether, and you metaphorically sat down, or lay down on the floor, and waited?

What if you identified exactly what you really were thinking, even if it’s embarrassing, immature, stupid or weird, and you allowed it to be there, wrote it down, and then questioned it. 

You don’t have to drop any thoughts. You don’t have to give up your beliefs, if you don’t want to. 

In fact, you probably can’t, even if you DID want to.

As the 12 steps go….step number one: I am powerless over my *thinking* and my life has become unmanageable. 

It’s true! Have you ever tried to control your thinking?! 

Just becoming aware that trouble with food or money has to do with troubled thinking will take you down a more efficient road. You don’t need that treatment plan, that diet, that budget. 

But you do need to see how attached you are to your thoughts, and be patient enough to slow down and look.

You don’t have to take my teleclass on Money or Eating Peace to start. You can do this right now, today. 

Write down all the painful things about life, the people in your world, what having too much or not having enough money or food mean for you….

….you’ll be on the road to freedom. 

“Even those who have had deep spiritual experiences and awakenings beyond the mind will in most cases continue to cling to superstitious ideas and beliefs in an unconscious effort to grasp for the security of the known, the accepted, or the expected. It is this grasping for security in all its inward and outward forms which limits the perspective of enlightenment and maintains an inwardly divided condition which is the cause of all suffering and confusion.” ~ Adyashanti

Uh, yeah. What he said about inwardly divided! 

I know that feeling! Stuck, twisted, groping, afraid.

Stop now, and stop trying to believe what you really don’t believe (yet) and stop trying to STOP believing what you really DO believe. It’s kinda bossy to yourself. 

Plus it keeps that division thing going….endlessly and forever. 

You can be whole again. Start right now.

Begin by writing down what you actually think, even if you’re not positive it’s even true, that hurts or feels frightening. Don’t try to find security in any of it. 

Then, you’ve got thoughts right in front of you for inquiry. You know what to do from there. 

The Work.

Much love, Grace

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Don’t Change Your Addiction, Investigate It

Addictive behavior is one of the most troubling for people who go through it.

Overeating (my personal biggie many years ago), drinking alcohol, drugs, porn, relationship obsessing, emails, sex, internet surfing, smoking. 

If you’ve ever had even one fogged-out trance-like escapist episode, you might come up for air later and often wonder what happened….and how you can make sure it never happens again. 

Only it does.

People write to me all the time asking about how to do The Work on the cycle of addiction. 

It doesn’t actually matter what your deal is, whether eating, ingesting something, doing something mindless and apparently time-wasting…..the main thing is that you notice a lack of presence. 

And often, a sense that you are experiencing something not exactly helpful for your life. Or downright harmful and death-oriented. 

What Byron Katie and many thought teachers often say is, just keep doing The Work, keep looking at your thought patterns and what you believe about everything that bugs you, everything that brings up stress….and you’ll notice that the urge to use will lessen, and then vanish.

But what if it’s not exactly vanishing? Or what if you’re so exhausted by the addictive behavior that the main stress you see is your horrible relationship with that substance?

Just start there.

I hate this cycle. I hate overeating. Why? Because it does nothing for me, it’s bizarre, I keep doing it with the same results. I can’t control myself. 

Recently I was working with a wonderful inquirer who has suffered terribly with binge-eating. She has, however, been studying herself in a lighter way in the past couple of years.

Before, when she overate, she detested herself, thought of herself as totally and completely self-defeating. But now, she was open to understanding better the spell that would come over her called a “binge”. 

And she had recently discovered something. Just like I did long ago.

BEFORE the feeling of urgency to eat entered, there was an uncomfortable feeling that had nothing to do with food. And guess what came along with (almost simultaneously) before that uncomfortable feeling? 

A troubling thought. 

Believing something scary, alarming, worrisome, nerve-wracking or terrifying. And believing that was actually true. And not knowing what to do with all the fear.  

Bam. Eat. Smoke. Drink. Text that person you’ve been obsessed with. Hunt for workshops to sign up for online. Buy another spiritual non-duality book.

But it’s really OK if you don’t even know what the thought was before you felt like doing your addictive thing. 

Like I said, you start with what is prominent, what is screaming in your head. That will be a stepping stone to the next thing.

You can trust the process.

I hate this addictive cycle.

Is that true?

Duh. Of course it’s true.

Are you sure? Are you completely positive? What do you mean by “hate”?

No. I am not completely sure that it’s true that I hate it. 

How do you react when you believe you hate the cycle of addiction and everything about it?

I attack it. I hate food. I hate myself. I hate society. I blame everyone. I wish I were dead. I feel discouraged. I hate being alive. 

Your reaction may not be so dramatic. The way you react may be that you make a plan. You sign a contract. You vow. You go through a treatment program. You promise. You control yourself. 

But who would you be without the thought that you HATE this addictive cycle? 

If you really stay and sit with this idea for awhile, even for five minutes, you may notice that something inside of you relaxes. The energy of “hate” which is like an intense feeling of fear surging outward (or however you might describe it) doesn’t have so much vigor behind it.

What if you LOVE the addictive cycle?

Ha ha, kind of funny right? But what if there is something, up to now, that has been useful about the whole thing (apparently)? Even though it has hurt and been so uncomfortable….perhaps it has given you something you thought you needed.

What if you’re not wrong, to have experienced your addiction?

What has been good about it?

Maybe there is another way to find relief, freedom, letting go, power, kindness, soothing, clarity, or love. That has no side effects. 

You can find the way. You will, in just the right time, the right moment. 

“Who would want their mind to be quiet if they understood it, if they really understood it? If they could meet all their thoughts with unconditional love, which is what these questions bring, then who would want the mind to shut up? Who would want to escape or change it? We haven’t been able to quiet the mind. And we haven’t been able to meditate it down or medicate it down, not for long. It looks like we have control over it until we get the parking ticket. So instead of fighting our thoughts, through these four questions we welcome them as friends.” ~ Byron Katie

I would never, ever, ever be where I am now, with this calm that accompanies me almost all the time around food, without the severity of the food addiction and cravings and urges. 

I LOVE that I had that cycle of addiction. It served me beyond anything else possible to study this mind and wake up, wake up, wake up, over and over again.

“Our work is not to change what you do, but to witness what you do with enough awareness, enough curiosity, enough tenderness that the lies and old decisions upon which the compulsion is based become apparent and fall away. When you no longer believe that eating will save your life when you feel exhausted or overwhelmed or lonely, you will stop.” ~ Geneen Roth

Much love, Grace

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The Truth About Bitter Resentments

One of my favorite things about doing The Work, such a simple form of self-inquiry, is the first step.

Writing down all your vicious, nasty, mean thoughts of resentment about that other person, or that problem with food or money, or the way things are set up around here. 

You get to be a total brat. In fact, cuttin’ loose on those resentments can be quite cathartic. On paper. And it’s almost scary, even in this moment, to admit how that dark, frightened, defensive mind actually works. 

I hope that person burns in hell, I hope he fails disastrously and loses all his money and possessions, I hope she suffers and dies, I hope they get hit by a meteor, I hope they kill each other in misery, I hope they get what they deserve.

Then almost tied like a feather to the very same thoughts….sadness, grief, shame.

What’s wrong with me, that I’m so upset. I should take the high road. 

One time, early on in doing The Work and questioning my beliefs, I decided that I would write a massively, wildly, unabashedly shameful worksheet. I would tell the truth on it. 

I would write out how much I hated that person for real.

After completing a barrage of rage against the person as I held them in my memory, all written on paper, I paused as I re-read my words. Then, I suddenly realized….nothing I wrote on there was actually truly satisfying. It’s like I couldn’t really, really, really find words mean enough to describe the hatred I was feeling. 

And what I DID have written on the worksheet was questionable.  

Did I really want that person to rot in hell, burning with suffering forever for what they had done? To me?

Instead of so quickly condemning yourself for being such a mean, rotten, hurt, horrible, judgmental person….it is powerful to allow yourself to sit in those angry words and see if you really think of them as true.

People who steal, betray, or attack you (or others) are really great candidates for these kinds of raging worksheets. 

The ones whose fault it is that you’re not happy now. 

This is allowing that voice that is a total victim, who likes to blame, who wants revenge or resolution, to have it’s say. It’s there for a reason. Instead of suppressing it and feeling like a really horrible bad mean person….if you do….for even THINKING this way, why not go for it?

Because for me, it didn’t really work all that well to hold everything in and smash down my anger. I’d usually end up overeating later on. Turning and facing the actual base energy worked MUCH better, it turned out.

So let’s take a look, at a really mean thought, letting it be as it is–outraged!

He should suffer, rot in hell and die. He should never be happy. He should HURT.

Is that true?

No. Of course not. But let it be OK if YOU secretly answered “yes”. It’s called being mad. And terrified. Blowing energy outward in every direction. A big, chaotic scream. 

How do you react when you feel that extreme rage? When you have visions of that person dying, suffering, losing everything?

I know that for me….I felt HORRIBLE. I myself felt crushed, confused about where to put my anger, lost, desperate, beaten. I sat here with the feelings. I noticed they didn’t feel good. They felt like an implosion, sort of sickening, and furious.

So who would you be without that belief? Without the thought that someone else should suffer, hurt, or remain unhappy…forever?

Happy, lighter, kind…….GRATEFUL.

Turning the thought around, I see that person should heal, multiply in heaven and live! He should always be happy. He should not hurt.

Now that’s truly exciting. And true. 

“At each step and with each breath we are given the option of acting and responding, both inwardly and outwardly, from the conditioning of egoic consciousness which values control and separation above all else, or from the intuitive awareness of unity which resides in the inner silence of our being.” ~ Adyashanti 

Could it be that as I think vengeful thoughts towards someone, or others, that I feel pain towards myself?

I hope that I burn in hell, I hope I fail disastrously and lose all my money and possessions, I hope I suffer and die, I hope I get hit by a meteor, I hope I kill myself in misery, I hope I get what I deserve.

Could any of these be gifts, or absurdities, or unimportant, or not that bad after all? Just a scenario the mind is making up, with its exquisite imagination?

Ha ha, kind of crazy….but opening to these options, without terror….is funny. 

“The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.” ~ Jalaluddin Rumi

Every person who ever “hurt” me taught me the most incredible things. Sitting in what they did, what I did, what happened….there is nothing but profound gratitude. Not because gratitude is the “right” thing to feel. 

It is what remains after inquiry. 

Much love, Grace

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Love Junkie Pain

Every few weeks, someone signs up to do sessions with me because they are experiencing suffering when it comes to a romantic interest.

I will never, ever be the same after doing The Work a decade ago on men. 

In a good way. 

You should have heard my original worksheet, not only on men in general (that was interesting to be so general and broad and totally prejudiced) but on men I was dating. 

One of my biggest Ah-Ha moments came when I realized….I was a total “love” addict. I mean serious junkie for that flourish of adrenaline, excitement, contact, attraction. 

Since someone I worked with recently was almost obsessively concerned with the whereabouts, the emails, texts and conversation history with a woman he knew….

….I thought I’d take a look today and these repetitive beliefs about others.

About that One Other. “My” girlfriend. “My” boyfriend. “My” spouse, partner, husband, wife, lover. 

And when they aren’t doing what you want them to do. 

My client had this Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, already filled out, when we began our session (some words and notions changed slightly just to keep everything completely anonymous):

I am outraged because she is ignoring me since we broke up. I want her to call me, text me, be open to getting together, and maintaining our friendship. She should return my calls. She shouldn’t shut me out. I need her to contact me. She is selfish, bitchy, unpredictable and cold. I don’t even want to get ditched by a potential love interest again.

He also had thrown in there a few self-critical judgments, like that he shouldn’t be thinking about her and there must be something wrong with him, for having these thoughts and feelings in the first place.

Ow. 

I then recognized, as the client was speaking, that he could be talking to me. 

A man I dated had once called me many months after our strange and volatile encounters together, kind of off and then on and then off again. He said “Hi! How are you?” and I had said “why are you calling me?” and he said “because we’re friends!” and I said “we are not friends” and hung up.

Remembering that incident, I heard the voice of this dear inquirer client, and took in his worksheet.

And then, I took a look at a quiet little stressful thought floating in my mind. This thought can cause a lot of problems, I have found, if you really believe it. 

I should be nicer.

Nice means carrying on a conversation past the point when you’re done, nice means smiling, nice means saying yes, nice means being friendly, nice means being open, nice means saying hello, please, thank you and have a good day. Nice means caring, being of service, helping, being interested.

Yikes. Ewwww.

Is it true that I should be these things?

Of course not. But it also doesn’t mean I should be against these things!

How do I react when I believe that I should be nice, and I notice that sometimes I feel these things in a genuine honest way, and sometimes I do not? How do I react when I believe I shouldn’t be nice?

Nice-ness comes and goes. 

If I believe I should be nicer or shouldn’t be too nice, then I feel stifled, nervous about falling off the Nice Wagon or climbing on it and not being able to get off! 

With these thoughts, I notice that other peoples’ feelings are super important. Other people might get hurt, other people might cry, other people might get angry….if I am not nice. Other people might get smothering, clingy, and assume I care if I am too nice. 

With these thoughts, fear and anxiety enter the room. I feel like a fake. Holding things in. 

So who would I be without the thought that I should be careful about being nice or not nice EVER?

WOOHOO! Can you feel the freedom?! 

Things become clear. Things become slow. If I don’t know what my answer is when asked a question, then I don’t answer yet. If I know, then I say “yes” or “no”. 

Without that thought, I feel very, very kind towards myself. I feel gentle to the other person as well. There is no need for niceness to happen, or not happen. There is something alive, sweet, powerful and loving, right here inside, no matter what someone else’s reaction.

“What is love? Take a look at a rose. Is it possible for the rose to say ‘I shall offer my fragrance to good people and withhold it from bad people?’ Or can you imagine a lamp that withholds its rays from a wicked person who seeks to walk in its light? It could only do that by ceasing to be a lamp….and a tree gives its shade to everyone–even those who seek to cut it down….[but] think how the rose, the tree and the lamp leave you completely free. The tree will make no effort to drag you into its shade if you are in danger of a sunstroke. The lamp will not force its light on you lest you stumble in the dark. Another word for love is freedom.” ~ Anthony De Mello

The turnarounds for me are that a code of behavior (called Nice or Not Too Nice) is not necessary. Being present feels open, unknown, yet solid. 

I love that man who challenged me, who asked to talk, and my discovery of my “no” in that moment. 

No rules, no expectations, no demands, no resistance, no pushing, no commands. The truth coming up, in that moment, out of a quiet freedom. 

Back to remembering what it’s like to not know anything. To not be addicted to love, attention, being appreciated, being praised, being liked. 

No need to be clever, full of knowledge, pious, or good. 

What a relief. 

“When the great Tao is forgotten, goodness and piety appear. When the body’s intelligence declines, cleverness and knowledge step forth. When there is no peace in the family, filial piety begins. When the country falls into chaos, patriotism is born.” ~ Tao Te Ching #18

Much love, Grace

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You Need Absolutely Nothing–Not Even Workshop Clients

For the past several months, I’ve had more and more inquiries from people about how to run a small business, how to fill events, where to look for clients, or how to get people to enroll in classes.

It’s funny, because one of my immediate thoughts is….you’re asking ME? 

(Picture Robert Dinero saying ‘You talkin’ to me?!’)

Because some things I do are really “successful” as in a workshop with 100+ people enrolled, or an introductory talk somewhere for a whole business organization….

….while other events have very few people signing up and I’ll reschedule them and then suddenly it’s full.

I don’t exactly feel like an expert small business practitioner who knows what works and what doesn’t, if success means many people enrolling in what I’m offering.

This next weekend on my calendar I’ve had my event upcoming that I’ve taught before….only with much more updated material and several new exercises….Horrible Food Wonderful Food.

Because I just taught my Year of Inquiry weekend, or because I’ve been writing so much, I have done very little to promote or talk about Horrible Food Wonderful Food.

And there are only three people registered.

So if you thought I was packing the house with workshop attendees, it’s not true for this one!

These kinds of experiences used to make me imagine different options: I could worry, fret, push harder, regroup, drop the price, beg people to attend.

I could also inquire, deeply.

This inquiry can be done on ANYTHING you think you need more of. Whether clients, participants, money, weight-loss, recognition, attention, support, health, a partner, sex, success of any kind.

I need more.

The wonderful thing is, when I’ve done The Work on this sensation of “needing” something, the freedom to not need at all is magnificent.

And it never has meant that I don’t continue onward and forward, tweaking my business message, learning more about marketing and connecting with the right audience, or being successful in whatever way I’m dreaming of.

Just because you do The Work on needing to change your relationship with food and eating, for example, doesn’t mean that you will conclude that you do NOT need to change a single thing, ever, around food and eating.

If you are upset about weighing a lot you may really feel in your heart that you would feel more physically comfortable at a lighter weight.

That is what is true for you.

So you keep going with understanding your own mind and your own behavior. You watch yourself and see what is happening when you want to eat a lot, or eat when you aren’t hungry, or eat things that make you feel sick later.

What I have found is that being able to identify what I am actually thinking that creates a stressful reaction inside is like finding a golden treasure.

So here I have a weekend workshop apparently scheduled where I support people in examining their stressful relationship with food.

A time to look at food and the “problem” moments.

So now….I have my own “problem” moment. Not with food, but with people not signing up to attend the workshop in the first place.

I can do some investigation on this situation, and find out what I’m really thinking and believing.

Let’s see what happens.

Here we go:

I can see that I do not need customers, or participants. I do not need this workshop to happen this coming weekend. I’m earning enough money. I’m working every day. My business continues to reach the highest levels ever, after a few years now of being in operation. I’m making a difference.

Many people with eating issues can see that they don’t need the food they are craving, or eating, or bingeing on. They can also see that they don’t need to diet.

Yet they recognize that something is calling to them for assistance, for care, for attention.

What could it be?

I get to ask the same questions.

What’s going on with me and not filling this particular workshop? What are the stressful thoughts about it, that I haven’t looked at yet?

  • I’m communicating about this workshop poorly
  • This means I have more to learn–I’m not Miss Expert Workshop Filler
  • I can’t guarantee results for people who DO take the workshop—like weight loss, ending all obsessions and cravings, or eliminating binges forever
  • I can’t entirely explain why I am so free from any food troubles, when I once was a complete wreck
  • I might not be able to help everyone

Wow. As I look at all the thoughts that spill out when I just let them flow, I can see there are some stressful ideas.

I can’t guarantee transformation in the relationship with food and eating for people who are suffering, but I WANT to. 

Is that true?

Yes! Isn’t that the point for people who take any programs, workshops or do sessions with me?

Can I absolutely KNOW that it’s true that guarantees are best? Or that I need to help people?

No.

Even with the teachers I admire very deeply, there are some people who find great transformation and some who feel “meh”.

Sometimes there are lightbulbs that go off with a huge flash, other times it’s little tiny awareness moments.

How do I react when I believe I’m doing something wrong, I need to get a message across, I’m not communicating well, I wish I could fill that workshop, I can’t guarantee results, or I might not be able to help everyone?

Like giving up, or renewing effort in a determined way. Push hard, or draw back. Energy goes either out or in. Pushing. Pulling. It’s stressy.

Who would I be without these kinds of thoughts?

I would continue to love this journey of having a peace beyond anything I could have ever imagined when it comes to food, eating, weight, body image, and being in this body at this size.

But if it’s not for me to share or “teach” this particular weekend, then that’s OK too.

Without these thoughts, I relax instantly. I feel a surge of how fun all this is. I think about working with people individually who are signed up, connecting with them, focusing on them entirely to see what’s underneath their particular story.

This may be more effective for each one of them, who knows.

Without the thoughts that things should go differently than they are in this instance, I start to get excited.

Energy flows in towards me. Instead of me pushing or pulling at the situation.

I feel more creative. I see advantages for no workshop. Maybe there is something else even better that I’ll be doing.

I turn my thoughts around and sit with them, allowing them all to be:

  • I’m communicating about this workshop richly, in ways that are worth riches to myself, to others
  • This means I have more to learn–I’m not Miss Expert Workshop Filler, oh goodie!
  • I can guarantee results for myself teaching my own “life” workshop—like weight loss, ending all obsessions and cravings, or eliminating binges forever…wow, yes
  • I can’t entirely explain why I am so free from any food troubles, when I once was a complete wreck….and that’s good news, it shows I don’t have to know EVERYTHING
  • I might not be able to help myself, so I can ask others

As I sit with these, I realize that I haven’t communicated well to myself about everything inside when it comes to this Horrible Food Wonderful Food workshop.

I discover how I am learning through this process, and have so much unfolding before me when it comes to filling workshops. I am taking classes, talking with experts, in some fantastic mastermind groups, and my business life is blending with my spiritual life in ways I never could have dreamed before.

Wow.

The people who sign up to work with me are serving ME. They are incredible, their questions are perfect, their concerns are so valuable.

I can feel how very well this present moment is. Whether sitting in a room full of people investigating their relationship to food, or sitting in a room alone, on a couch.

“The mind’s job is to do everything it possibly can to hold a stressful belief in place. Because when that belief is held in place, an identity is established. The Work is a way to break that spell. And I don’t say that it WILL break that spell. But if a person really wants to know the truth, a lot can be done to shift that identity, and then reality, totally.” ~ Byron Katie

If I can be of service to you in your journey with food and eating, breaking that spell of craving or obsessing, or ending your plans for the next diet, then write to me at grace@workwithgrace.com.

Who knows if I can or not.

All I know is, if I can have the entry into freedom that I have had, then so can you.

It is possible for everyone, now.

If other people can fill workshops with many, then so can I, and so can you (if that’s what you want).

And here’s the funny thing. There is no workshop necessary and no workshop that needs to be filled, unless there is.

“Stop thinking of achievement of any kind. You are complete here and now, you need absolutely nothing.” ~ Nisargadatta

OK then. I hear the tap tap of fingers on laptop. And laughter bubbling up. The fun of waiting to see what happens. However it goes is fabulous.

Love, Grace

P.S. It hardly needs to be repeated at this point, but just in case–if you’re interested in spending this coming Friday evening with me, all day Saturday and all day Sunday (10 am – 5 pm both days), to deeply investigate what the heck is going on in this horrible wonderful food situation, contact me. My number is 206-650-1230. I’m here to help.

 

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Money Never Gave Anyone A Problem

Correction on Breitenbush update: early bird rate $395 (before May 1st) and repeaters are $395 no matter when you register but also receive solo sessions with both me and Susan, my kind and experienced co-facilitator.

And speaking of corrections….

….I can’t believe I make typos on important details! Like dates, fees, schedules.

People have been suggesting to me for awhile that I need a full time assistant. I know it’s eventually going to happen.

Becoming someone who has people working for me is….

….bizarre.

There are a few thoughts. That may be stressful.

But the biggest stressy thing is imagining making a payment, not knowing how long things will take (and therefore how much it will cost), wondering that I may experience disappointment at how much is going out for what I receive back.

Isn’t that just the goofiest but VERY common notion?

So many people think this not just when they need to hire someone but every time then give money in exchange for something else. I am anticipating feeling disappointment in the future, after I have made the trade of money for this service, item, experience, or assistance.

I have a leaking roof right now on my little cottage. I’m gathering bids for the replacement.

How do you even sort out what the work is “worth”?

I know whenever the commentator says “you HAVE to….” then there’s a disempowered voice talking.

As in….victim.

I have to hire someone, I have to get that done, I have to fix my roof, I have to go to work, I have to go buy groceries, I have to do my laundry, I have to go to the gym, I have to be nice to him, I have to have to have to.

I love stopping and doing The Work on these “have to” orders.

Is it true?

Yes. I have to buy groceries. If I want to LIVE. Because I have to eat.

Really?

No. If I had no money, there are food banks, friends, family, land to grow something on, dumpsters, waiting until tomorrow or the next day, going without for awhile, trading something besides money for food.

How do you react when you believe you have to do something, as in YOU MUST, you should, it’s a order, you’re stuck, you’re confined to this, it’s a necessity, you can’t get out of it, it’s required?

You might rebel. You might want to keep things “under control” and manage the situation. Or if you’re like me maybe you freeze, depending on the situation. Do nothing.

Maybe you try to hide, not spend, never “cost” anything, save, hoard, worry, hang on to the money you have.

Or the flip side, you might spend money like you’ll be dead tomorrow. Who cares.

But who would you be without the thought that you HAVE to put your money over there, to trade it for help, food, fun, an experience, education, survival?

“Reality as we believe it to be will bring tears or sadness, but when you go back within these questions you look at it with the fourth question–who would you be without that thought?…. Money is absolutely innocent. Money never gave anyone one problem. It just sits there, and you just project on to ‘nothing’.” ~ Byron Katie 

Without the thought that you “have to” do anything when it comes to money and acquiring something or giving it away or trading it for something else?

Without that thought, I’m in a flow of life. I’m resting, then I’m noticing I’m hungry, then I’m going to get food, then I’m going to get a drink of water, then I’m seeing that the roof has rain water coming in and then I’m googling roofers, then I’m typing these words, then I’m getting up and walking outside and getting into my car and driving to the store.

Every moment, this moment, perfect. I am OK in this moment. It means nothing about the future, or about the past. I’m not being forced to do anything. I’m breathing, noticing the support around me, under my feet.

I turn the thought around that I “have to”.

“With or without money, we have a right to be happy. That’s our birthright. If peace is dependent on houses and cars, arms and legs, there’s no possibility for peace. But in my experience, peace has no conditions.” ~ Byron Katie 

I do not have to do anything. I do not HAVE TO. I may choose to, out of the joy of being alive, efficient, caring, joyful.

I notice I LOVE taking care of my little house. It’s my job. Why would I not want this job? I notice I LOVE taking care of my work, my business, my body, my clients, my family.

“Life without a reason, a purpose, a position… the mind is frightened of this because then “my life” is over with, and life lives itself and moves from itself in a totally different dimension. This way of living is just life moving. That’s all…..The only price is all of our positions. The only price is that you stop paying a price.” ~ Adyashanti 

Inside I began to notice a trust in this flow, there is a movement, nothing is set in steel, no moment is limited. There is the possibility of not suffering every time money leaves my hand for someone else’s hand, and leaves someone else’s hand for my own.

Perhaps there are no individual hands, everyone breathing in and out.

And the movement is beautiful, like a gorgeous abundant river.

The 8 week class on money begins again soon on Wednesdays. Stay tuned. We’ll meet late afternoons Pacific time.

Love, Grace