It’s funny the list of “shoulds” any one of us might have in our beliefs about what a good person does, thinks, or says.
The way you know you have rules, your belief system, is someone breaks them.
Or YOU break them, and you feel guilty.
Either way, kinda bummer situation.
So let’s say there’s someone in your life who does something a little irritating, or really terrifying….
….and you have the wish that not only should they stop being like that so they don’t freak you out….
….but while you’re clenching up against them, you’re holding a picture of what they should be doing instead.
In other words, you know what it looks like, to make it better. Someone broke the rules. Someone swayed from the suggestions, the recommendations, the plan for a really good, successful, easy, happy way.
Now, here’s a little tricky trick that some minds do in this situation (gosh, could I relate?): Oh, wait, it’s not them, I feel bad about being so judgmental, so I guess it’s me. I shouldn’t be so harsh, I should be accepting, I should be more spiritual, I should forgive, I need to be a better listener, I shouldn’t shut that person out, I should be nicer.
The problem with this twist in the plot, when it becomes your fault, is you don’t really get to identify and work with the threatening Other Person and what they are presenting to you, for your deepest discovery.
You don’t get to find out that maybe you aren’t a horrible person….but maybe you’re afraid. Maybe you’re terrified. Maybe you’re nervous about losing something, dying, missing out, being unloved.
I’ve worked with lots of people who say “I don’t have judgments towards others, the worst judgments are towards myself.”
People who have addiction escapes, often food, feel this way a lot. They think of themselves as losers, irrational, undisciplined, unmotivated, over-emotional, insecure, greedy, needy or insane.
It’s not you, it’s me!
The funny thing is, maybe it’s really true that this situation has nothing to do with the other person.
But not the way you think.
The only way I found that I could really understand myself, was to admit the judgment I had of the other. Like an honest confession. Letting the fearful thoughts have their say, cutting them loose.
A very long time ago, I was in a romantic dynamic with a man where he kept saying things that scared the crap out of me. And guess what I looked like on the outside?
Exactly the same. Maybe a slightly flushed face. Frozen.
Before he said the words…After he said the words…THE SAME EXPRESSION. Total storm, fear, panic, worry, stomach twisted in knots on the inside, and a great conviction that I will not show how I feel.
Why? Because Good People Don’t Say Mean Things. Good People Don’t Get Too Emotional. Good People Don’t Get Pissy.
Fortunately, I had come across The Work by then.
I knew to let my judgments rip on paper, in the privacy of my own mind. Even though my mind also was screaming that I was such a bee-och, I ventured to start with that first step. I followed the directions.
There was a moment when I realized that my anger was so intense that I wanted to chop it out of myself, it felt toxic and terrible. But instead of reaching for something to distract myself or trying to delete the feeling of anger….I looked.
But if you have a hard time starting….you may be able to loosen the thorn in your own eye by taking a look at your self judgments.
I shouldn’t be this upset. I shouldn’t let this person get to me. I shouldn’t pay attention, I should be kinder. I shouldn’t be so bothered.
Is that true?
Yes! I’ve always been taught that. It’s nicer to be around people who are non-upset, unbothered types….isn’t it?
Can I know absolutely that this is true?
Well. It seems that having ideals to live up to is a good idea. I must control my base emotions. I must hold it together. I really do not want to cause harm.
But how do I react when I believe the thought that I shouldn’t be upset, when I am upset?
Sick to my stomach. Angry. Stuck. Torn between my own thoughts of hate to myself or hate to the other. Messed up. Discouraged. Irritated. When I felt like this, I would think of food in the past. Anything comforting. I wanted solid ground.
But who would I be without believing that I shouldn’t be upset?
Wait…really? I’m allowed to be upset?
Wow, I notice that’s a relief. It takes a certain seriousness away from the whole thing. I’m still upset, because I am….but I can trust that maybe something is off. I’m a human. I’m regular. I don’t have to work so hard. There’s something natural here going on, called “upset”.
I get excited to do The Work.
I turn the thought around: I should be upset, angry, irritated. I should let this person get to me, I should pay attention, I shouldn’t be kinder, I should be bothered.
How could all this be true, or truer?
First of all, that’s reality. I am moved. That’s the truth. I’m feeling it, baby!
Second of all, these people who have bugged me, they have taught me the most amazing teachings in my life. My enemies and frenemies have offered a crash course in awareness.
“Thoughts are friends, not enemies. They’re just what is. They appear. They’re innocent. We’re not doing them. They’re not personal. They’re like the breeze or the raindrops falling. Thoughts arise like that, and we can make friends with them. Would you argue with a raindrop? Raindrops aren’t personal, and neither are thoughts. It’s the meaning you attach to those thoughts that you think is personal.” ~ Byron Katie
Could it be that my feelings, in the presence of this person, are not enemies? Could I be trying not to look and see something really important, that maybe I don’t REALLY want to see (except I do)?
Here comes being upset. Here comes nervousness, anxiety, rage, fury, sadness, despair.
Without the thought that I know what I should do, or he should do, back then, I noticed tears welling in my eyes, my throat closing with sadness, and I notice with great compassion that I am saying goodbye.
“.…true awakening will not fit into the world as you imagine it or the self you imagine yourself to be. Reality is not something that you integrate into your personal view of things. Reality is life without your distorting stories, ideas, and beliefs. It is perfect unity free of all reference points, with nowhere to stand and nothing to grab hold of.” ~ Adyashanti
Who would you be without any reference point for yourself, without grabbing on to any of those judgments about who you are being?
You may not expect yourself to be more than you actually ARE right now.
“You’re supposed to love yourself?’–is that true?…You’re not supposed to love yourself yet–not until you do. These sacred concepts, these spiritual ideas, always turn into dogma.” ~ Byron Katie
Love, Grace