Grace – Page 131 – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

January 28, 2014

Missing Real Life By Trying To Achieve Something

There is nothing like a group to encourage, celebrate, learn, connect, and challenge your personal perceptions of the world.

The group doesn’t have to be big.

The group can even be a group of two.

But that contact with another serves as one of the most incredible opportunities for juicy, visceral awakening to who you are that is possible.

This past week I got to be with incredible people from several countries and continents, in two different groups.

The first? We were all gathered around big round tables with white table cloths in a conference room at a hotel. Food, hot drink, kind faces, people sharing.

The second? People sitting close on couches and soft chairs in a living room, tea mugs nearby, food on the kitchen island. People sharing.

The first was for business leadership, the second for spiritual leadership. Me being a leader in my own life.

And yet, not so much.

More like learning to STOP leading!

Here’s why:

As I sat in the company of other amazing people, I became aware of how little I can manage, how there is nothing really necessary to do, and how much the thought “I have to achieve something”all by myself has been stressful.

Let’s take a look with The Work.

Have you ever had the belief that you need to achieve, build, create, go for something, get something, understand, accomplish, manage, attend to, grow, win?

Most people have.

There are books written on how to accomplish and build, on how to win. Including spiritual awareness or enlightenment. Definitely on business.

But it is really true?

Are you sure you need to plan, control, manage, drive or build something?

Yes! I say yes! I need to work at it! Give myself pep talks (or get them from other people)!

Go Go Go! Success is coming!

However, can I really know it’s absolutely true that I need to lead? That I really do need to achieve something?

Not at all. Not when I think about it.

Nothing really has to be done or accomplished…at least not by me.

The groups prove it.

I get this body, called Grace, over to that location where there’s been an agreed-upon time and we all connect, listen, contemplate and feel alive together.

Sometimes there’s aggravation with others, or one other person…oh good. Inquiry time.

Sometimes there’s a feeling of great unity and joy.

But all that’s required is being there and noticing, watching the mind have its opinions about where or what you’re supposed to be.

Who would I be without the thought that I need to achieve something, soon, or tomorrow, or yesterday?

Without the thought that I need to be something bigger and better than I am?

Completely and totally free.

“If you are content with being nobody in particular, content not to stand out, you align yourself with the power of the universe. What looks like weakness to the ego is in fact the only true strength. This spiritual truth is diametrically opposed to the values of our contemporary culture and the way it conditions people to behave.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

I turn the thought around: I do NOT need to achieve anything. I do not need to be better, more improved, or different than I am.

Wow. Could that be true?

Because what I notice is that achievement happens, I grow, leadership gets developed, learning and connections occur.

“The miracle of love comes to you in the presence of the uninterpreted moment. If you are mentally somewhere else, you miss real life.” ~ Byron Katie

I adore showing up to hang with other people. I love them all, the new friends and the old.

Together, we all do, say, think, feel, live.

Joy!

Nothing required. Imagine that.

With love, Grace

P.S. If you’re wanting a group to journey with for a whole year in self-inquiry using The Work then join us on Fridays, March 7, 2014 – February 2015. We dive in, get to know each other deeply, and live honestly. It’s wonderful.

January 27, 2014

Fear Loves You To Fight It

Dreams can be really disturbing. The ones you have at night, when you’re sleeping.

Random, chaotic, funny…..or horrifying.

The other night I woke up terrified because I was falling off a cliff. I’ve had this dream before. During a meditation retreat.

The body reacts as if the dream really happened. I woke up with my heart beating wildly, and adrenaline shooting through my veins.

Sometimes people say it’s hard to shake the nightmare when they have one, it may haunt them for awhile during their day.

Movies can bring on the same physical reactions. It’s like we’re on an emotional ride with the characters we’re watching.

We start sobbing when someone dies, or grit our teeth when someone does mean, bullying things.

Often when people have bad dreams, or see unsettling movies, they will they exclaim that they wish they could forget about it.

God, I wish I’d stop feeling so scared, quit picturing that awful scene. I wish I hadn’t ever seen that film! I wish I didn’t ever have that nightmare! What’s wrong with my mind, showing me such rotten, freaky scenarios! Jeez!

We don’t want to bring up a bad memory, either.

I wish it would GO AWAY. I wish I would forget that ever happened!

The thing is, resisting the dream, being against it, pushing it away, believing that you need to forget about it ASAP….

…often brings on the opposite of what you’re seeking: more fear, anger, worry, dread.

When I used to compulsively eat, my fear was obvious. The eating was frantic, secretive, like a big scream. I ate fast, viciously and feverishly. Like I was starving to death.

Some people eat, or smoke, or drink, or engage in all the tons of other kinds of addictive behaviors like shopping or computer surfing out of a similar fear….dread, worry, nervousness, anxiety.

What if we took a look at that feeling of fear, and questioned our judgments of it, using The Work?

Is it true that the images you see should go away, that you should be calm, not anxious…that you should be relaxed instead of triggered?

Yes! Of course! Who wants to be haunted by a bad dream, or a scary movie?

Are you crazy?

Can you absolutely know that it’s true, without doubt…I mean do you really know that whatever has frightened you should vanish from your mind?

That you should forget it? Like it never happened?

No. Apparently there’s memory, visions, images, remembering over and over, revisiting, looking.

I have no idea if that shouldn’t occur.

Your answer may still be “yes” though. You may feel the dream should stop scaring you, should stop being there in your mind.

So how do you react when you believe the thought that whatever has frightened you should leave? That the fear itself should vanish, ASAP?

For me…I spent a lot of time running.

Quick! Distract yourself! Quick! Find the scary thing and kill it! Quick! Find comfort! Quick! Slam the door and lock it!

I shouldn’t have this feeling! I hate this feeling! I can’t stand this feeling!

But who would you be without the thought? Without the belief that fear, anxiety, nervousness or dread will destroy you and should be avoided?

Strange, right? Without the thought that Fear Is Bad?

I would be a little more open to it. I’d allow it to be as it is. It’s an energy. A wave. It comes and goes.

I’d notice I have no control over this thing called “fear”.

If I wasn’t against fear, I wouldn’t attack the things that produced it, like movies or bad dreams (or people).

I wouldn’t protect myself with such care, making sure I don’t ever feel fear or anxiety.

Without the thought that fear must be gotten rid of…must leave…?

I’d be so much more open, inviting more in, not running away. Standing on solid ground, rooted, willing, letting go.

Without the thought that feeling fear is a terrible thing, I’d take a huge deep breath, and then another.

I turn the thought around:

This sensation, this image, this mental picture, this feeling….. should stay. This horrible scene in my mind is OK to allow to be there. This wretched memory doesn’t absolutely have to go.

As odd as it may seem, when I allow everything to stay right here, including the terror of death-by-falling-off-a-cliff it begins to look lighter.

Letting that bad, terrible scene you really experienced be there, instead of fighting to get rid of it, you may finally find your sweet relief.

“This energy of fear loves a good fight. It’s an internal bully. It LOVES for you to try to get rid of it. To try to transcend it. To try to go beyond it. Fear loves it, it feeds on it. The more you try not to be afraid, the more afraid you get. The more you try not to be anxious, the more anxiety you feel….[Instead], grant permission for almost infinite space for fear and anxiety.” ~ Adyashanti

What I notice is, I can’t get rid of fear. Fear happens.

Nightmares or dreams, or vivid memories occur. They fill the mind’s eye.

But letting these pictures be there is honest.

I’m afraid.

When I don’t argue with reality, I feel afraid, and then I feel space, or I feel comfort, or I feel love.

I live through frightening things. I live through feelings of fear.

“In my experience, we don’t make thoughts appear, they just appear. One day, I noticed that their appearance just wasn’t personal. Noticing that really makes it simpler to inquire.” ~ Byron Katie

Don’t be afraid of your fear, your pictures of fear, your fearful dreams, your fearful memories.

You are here despite them all.

All is well.

With love, Grace

January 25, 2014

Who’s The Boring One?

Next Saturday: Mini retreat for anyone 1:30-5:30 pm 2/1 Goldilocks Cottage Seattle. Beginners and experienced all welcome to come do The Work…your work. Question your thinking, change your life. Supplies and snacks.

*******

This is boring.

How many times in your life have you had that thought?

Sometimes it’s got a friendly feel to it, like when a good friend leans over to you at a school lecture and whispers it, and you both smile.

Sometimes it’s got a little more punch to it.

Like when you’re at work in a meeting and fifteen employees stand up to talk about their new department reports one after the other. Yawn.

Sometimes…it’s more like “this is soooooo freakin’ boring, I’m gonna rip my eyes out!”

Heh heh.

Not that I myself would be so impatient.

But since I notice a little, uh, aggravation accompanying this aggressive thought, let’s do The Work.

First, when does that thought rise up most of all? When does it feel the strongest, the surge of frustration, the wave of irritation?

SOOOOOOOO BORING!!

Is there a person involved?

Because for me, there’s always another person involved.

Some people think it’s boring to be sitting somewhere all alone, waiting for their turn perhaps, waiting to board the train, waiting for the forms to get filled out.

But that’s never really that boring.

In that situation, I’m always staring at all the activity, the people, the room, the furniture with a sort of fascination. I don’t mind waiting.

No, for me….the Boredom Attack comes on when I think Someone Else is extra crazy boring.

How can he talk endlessly about how he wants a girlfriend, for so many years?
She always has the same problem….her mean neighbor and other rude people
Him and his drunkalogues and drinking escapades….so annoying
He never stops mentioning his need to lose weight
Oh here we go again with her about her husband and how boring HE is

In that moment, the voice inside my head is “bored” with the other person’s story.

So how do I react when I believe that they are telling a boring, repetitive story?

I think they should be quiet, give it a rest, stop complaining, DO something about their “problem” for once.

Is that true that they should do something, quit bellyaching about the same thing over and over again, move on?

I have no idea. It’s not absolutely true.

The way I react is inside, I’m rolling my eyes, I pull away, zone out, tune out, think about how to get outta here, away from their moving lips.

But I don’t say anything I’m thinking.

Wouldn’t want to be rude. Or mean.

Who would I be if I didn’t believe that they should do something, stop repeating their story, and put an end to telling me about it?

Wow.

Without the belief that they are a problem?

I’d listen. I mean….actually really listen, and then move on myself.

I might say “I’ve heard you speak about this before, several times. This is really important to you and it sounds like you have no idea how to sort this out. How can I help?”

Right in the middle of their sentence I might say “I’m going now”and go to my next interest.

Without the thought, I hear them telling their story and don’t feel serious about it.

I don’t believe their story is absolutely true, even if they think it is.

I notice where I am drawn, what I find appealing and exciting and pleasurable….and I go that way, naturally.

I turn the thoughts around:

They should not quit yakking on and on about the same thing, I should. They are not a problem for me. They are expressing themselves the best they know how. They shouldn’t do something to fix their problem, I should do something to fix MY problem—with THEM.

If I really lived this turnaround, opened to a new way of being instead of being so positive they are boring….

….I would realize how boring I am.

I say the same thing EVERY TIME about that person.

I behave the SAME way. I go foggy and start figuring out ways to exit the conversation the way I always do.

“The human condition is characterized by a compulsive and obsessive personal relationship to thought……You must become more interested in the Unknown than in that which is known. Otherwise you will remain enslaved by the very narrow and distorted perspective of conceptual thinking. You must go so deeply into the Unknown that you are no longer referencing thought to tell you who and what you are.” ~ Adyashanti

In that moment when I think someone is boring, who is the boring one?

Because in reality, this is the most fascinating, creative, mysterious, bizarre world, along with everyone I encounter.

When that supposedly boring person is talking, I might simply move towards something else, walk away.

Or suddenly feel like going over to them and giving them a big bear hug.

With love,

Grace

January 24, 2014

I’ll Never Live The Good Life Money Worries

Yesterday morning was the very last session of the current Money telegroup.

Our assignment together….think of the worst that could happen

to you when it comes to money.

People had visions of living on the street, pushing a cart, moving into a basement somewhere, losing every thing, sleeping in a car….

….but not only these frightening visions of homelessness or poverty, there was another troubling belief that rose to the surface from one participant’s worksheet:

I will never live the good life.

I can relate.

I may be surviving, I may even be able to pay for the repair guy to come fix the dishwasher, I’ve paid for my kid’s private school tuition, I may get my car to the shop for broken brakes, I can buy any kind of bread I want–even the $6 loaf from the local organic bakery.

BUT.

I’m not living the good life…the premium life.

That life over there where people drive fancy cars, custom order $2000 shoes, go to the spa, take private jet rides, throw big parties by the sea, and donate $1 million to charity (in case you were wondering where Mother Teresa went).

Last weekend (OK, on my crutches still since you asked, did you have to remind me?) I went to a most breath-taking gathering with a bunch of exquisite new friends.

We’re all in a program together. These people were kind, fun, creative business owners. Many solo entrepreneurs.

Like me.

We were all going to eat dinner together, and Stan invited us over to his place instead of out to a restaurant.

I didn’t know Stan, but I could tell he was a real sweetheart.

OK, I’ll go.

Off we all went, drivers getting maps on their phones, explanations, people putting in the GPS address and pointing off in the direction we’d be headed.

Then we were all there, unloading, parking, laughing.

Through a gate, we entered a courtyard. Off to the left, an indoor basketball court, to the right a tasteful row of 6 garage doors.

Then, through a spectacular arch-way entrance into a gorgeous lodge-like living room with beautiful leather couches, mission-style beams up high across the ceiling.

One part of the huge living room wall slid open, like a theater, to a garden patio, with a deep blue swimming pool in a cove shape, and luxurious outdoor furniture and tables.

I marveled with the beauty of what humans can build. The creativity, the design.

Part way into the evening, people talking, eating, playing music, having drinks….I had the thought “this is the good life”.

But I’m only invited. I didn’t MAKE this good life. I didn’t invent it, create it, or build it.

Stan did.

My mind, as if something’s suddenly occurring to that Voice, kicks in and says “How did he do it? Why didn’t I start thinking about money and following the bread crumbs earlier in life? I should have studied business 30 years ago, I should have…”

Right then, literally as my mind is starting to light a match under thoughts of inadequacy, slight melancholy, the feeling like I’m watching this life from an outside window looking through, another new friend plops down next to me.

“You’re gonna have a challenge with all this, aren’t you?” he says with a twinkle in his eye.

What a sweet, powerful, wonderful question! So intimate!

We then had the best discussion EVER. About money, mind, thinking, beliefs, past experiences, history, future.

Looking back now a few days later, and being in inquiry deeply with fellow companions this morning, I realize how exciting it is to be without the concepts, imagining who I would be again without my story of money:….

“that is far away from this…the good life is over there, not here….I am inadequate, not doing it right…I should have done it differently…there’s something missing…”

Today, we found the most precious examples and the crisp, clear turnarounds: I will always live the good life, I will never live the bad life.

As peoples’ voices choked up with gratitude and realization for the goodness of this life they have lived….they remembered all the really difficult stuff they’ve experienced, with appreciation.

This included sudden death of loved ones, losing possessions, feeling completely alone, having things destroyed, being left behind.

“All you want is to be happy. All your desires, whatever they may be, are longing for happiness. Basically, you wish yourself well…desire by itself is not wrong…….[But] to imagine that some little thing–food, sex, power, fame–will make you happy is to deceive oneself. Only something as vast and deep as your real self can make you truly and lastingly happy.”~ Nisargadatta

One thing I know. My real self goes with me everywhere, just like you.

It is walking down the street past a dumpster, it is gazing into an artistic blue and white glass fire pit in Stan’s amazing back yard, it is breathing deeply all the air that is supplied, without needing to do anything for it.

“Many of us are motivated by a desire for success. But what is success? What do we want to achieve? We do only three things in life: We stand, we sit, we lie horizontal. Once we’ve found success, we’ll still be sitting somewhere, until we stand, and we’ll stand until we lie down or sit again. Success is a concept, an illusion. Do you want the $3900 chair instead of the $39 one? Well, sitting is sitting. Without a story, we’re successful wherever we are.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

If you want to join the next 8 week money telegroup, we begin again on Thursday, January 31st at 1:00-2:30 pm Pacific time.

And yes, I am developing this class for personal format, so you can follow along on your own and listen to audio. Stay tuned.

With love, Grace

January 23, 2014

Alone And Aggravated

Feeling connected with life, the planet, other humans, our surroundings….isn’t always easy, or automatic, or clear.

Even if we know we’re connected to others in the big scheme of things, like we get it cognitively with our thoughts, the deep feeling sense of being alone can still be alive.

And sometimes, it isn’t fun.

I used to feel like it was floating in outer space with no planet, human, or warmth in sight.

Yesterday the Eating Peace group met for the second time.

Everyone had the invitation to consider their “worst” moments or times of day with food. A repetitive experience.

So many people I’ve worked with over the years have a restless, unpleasant, empty, lonely feeling when they are toward the end of their day.

Perhaps it’s already evening, or night time. Open time. Choice. A desire for entertainment. No need for work. Space. Silence. Home.

During the day, there’s morning, work, to-do lists, errands. Sometimes a reason to keep it together. A job. Other People.

But oh…….the evening.

Many people drawn to drink alcohol do it at this hour as well.

So what’s going on?

For me, I often finally felt like I could relax, stop doing the “right” thing all day, stop working so dang hard.

Sometimes, the empty space of evening allowed my deeper fears or longings to stir….and I didn’t really want to spend time with those fears or look at them head on.

In any case, the space of silence and being alone can bring out some of our strongest beliefs about the universe.

Seriously. It’s that big, and that telling.

There I am, by myself in my safe, warm home. No one to ask me questions, look at me, see me, criticize me, attack me, compete against me, blame me, or need me.

What’s going on for you? How do you talk to yourself?

Some inquirers in Eating Peace said they had the “right” things to do and the “wrong” things to do in that empty space.

I can relate.

My own mind would start in, when I had several free hours and a night alone.

I should do laundry, wash the blankets, clean the kitchen, vacuum, empty the garbage, work on a creative project, write, work out at the gym, write her a thank you letter, read, clean out my closet, research.

I should do something productive.

It was almost like my own mind wouldn’t let me alone to Do Nothing.

Where was the freedom?!

In food.

It was the only way I could be chaotic, non-logical, wild, a rebel, and stop the dictator mind that wouldn’t let me relax, do what I wanted, have pleasure, enjoy myself.

Here’s the belief that would enter, and seem really, really true:

Eating will be nice, comforting, fun, sneaky, an alternative to more work, satisfying. It will help me turn off the mind that never stops and get something for me, for once.

Let’s take this to inquiry.

Is it true that eating something, in that moment of empty space, with mental chatter that isn’t exactly supportive, will distract me and allow me to get something for me?

Yes. I’m rebelling and crushing that mental chatter. It’s so demanding!

With food, I defy that voice (or maybe for you its alcohol, or some other compulsive process).

But can I absolutely know that it’s true that at that moment, food helps?

Yes! That’s why I keep eating! It actually helps!

What a stupid question!

But here’s the interesting inquiry: can you absolutely know that eating will really, really help in the end?

Um, that would definitely be a NO. A big fat no. Because I’m filled with suffering around food when I realize it actually “works” to a certain extent to give me some relief….but it doesn’t help the silence, the emptiness, the lonesomeness, the cravings, or the frustration Go Away.

Ever.

I override the harsh voice temporarily, I get some power back (I’ll eat what I DAMN WELL PLEASE you &*^%#@!)

But. Bummer. The trance always ends.

And it can’t have really helped, because I am suffering.

When I believe that food, or whatever, changes the channel and gives me some relief from the toil of it all, how do I react?

I get into the whatever. I eat.

Who would I be without the thought that I have no power?

Who would I be without the thought that empty space, quiet stillness, or open time should be filled?

Who would I be without the thought that I am not capable of finding my own answers, or dealing with the evenings in my life?

Without the thought that eating something will help?

I would feel hope. I would feel curious. Patience. Wondering. Willing to be honest.

I also might cry my eyes out. I might realize how pissed off I feel sometimes.

But I’d be willing to stop taking so seriously that chatterbox that won’t shut up about what a loser I am.

“I can give you the simples of all possible rules of thumb: Any time a voice is talking to you that is not talking with love and compassion, don’t believe it! No exceptions!” ~ Cheri Huber

I turn the thoughts around:

Eating something will not help me. Eating something in this haunted alone evening time will hinder me.

Doing anything addictive and distracting will not help me.

“Meditation….is seeing our emotions and thoughts just as they are right now, in this very moment, in this very room, on this very seat. It’s about not trying to make them go away, not trying to become better than we are, but just seeing clearly with precision and gentleness.” ~ Pema Chodron

Could it be this simple?

Yes.

Love, Grace

January 22, 2014

What If I Don’t Wake Up?

I am sitting in the airport (yes, my crutches are still with me and very nice people have been wheeling me around in wheelchairs).

This morning my flight is pretty early….but my ride to the airport even earlier.

Have you ever woken up off and on all night before going on a trip?

Because last night, my sleep was that kind of sleep.

I looked at the clock at 2:33 am, and then 4:04 am. Always the concern “how much longer?” and then a sort of funny back-of-the-mind thought about whether or not I would actually wake up with the alarm.

So funny, the idea that I would NOT hear the alarm, or awaken…as if somehow, I would remain asleep and miss this important occasion.

That part of mind has such an unrelaxed, nervous attitude towards my capacity to wake up.

As if!

Such anticipation of a near-future error! I might screw up!

For the first time, this morning, I actually did The Work on this very small, minor stressful thought “If I missed my flight, it would be terrible”.

Because it is only because of that threatening possibility that I even care about waking up, planning, packing, moving.

Is it true that it would be terrible if I missed my flight?

YES! It would cost money, mess up my schedule at home, and be imposing on my airport pick-up when I arrive at my destination.

I might miss the next class I’m teaching, I might miss my doctor’s appointment, I might, I might, I might…

Hmmmm. Would it really be terrible to miss my flight?

Maybe not. There is nothing unsafe about rescheduling anything and everything. Change occurs.

I see what I’m like WITH the thought. I feel like I never slept all night (which is not actually true).

With the belief, I am leaning into the future in a pretty stressful way, like I’m anticipating the next hours ahead. I’m thinking about when all this is over with, and I’m done traveling. Like I want to skip this moving/waiting/rushing part where I’m on the move.

Who would I be without the thought that it would be terrible to miss my flight?

I would not be diving into the next 10 hours trying to “see” them and make sure they are safe.

Without the thought, I trust myself to participate in this idea of travel, waking up, alarms, being ready, waiting in the agreed upon places.

All is well, whatever happens.

I turn the thought around “it would be wonderful if I missed my flight”.

Now it’s getting interesting.

I might have quiet time. I’d have time to sit with my computer, or my book…or to close my eyes and rest. I might see more of the strange city I’ve been in. I might run into someone fun.

Something deep inside would relax.

Suddenly, I realize that the thought about not waking up with an alarm feels the same as the thought about not waking up to the Truth, or Enlightenment….

….that future open state of peace.

Eckhart Tolle reminds me that if I focus on the future, my goals, the time on the clock, I begin to lose.

That includes the focus on waking up. Whatever kind of waking up I’m thinking about.

“Your life’ journey is no longer an adventure, just an obsessive need to arrive, to attain, to “make it.” You no longer see or smell the flowers by the wayside either, nor are you aware of the beauty and the miracle of life that unfolds all around you when you are present in the Now.”

There could be wonderful, exciting things about missing my flight, missing the future.

Who knows. It is not sooooooo up to me as I think. Everything is working here together with this plan to move from point A to point B. Or not.

Remembering that I am open to whatever happens, everything within rests.

“Nothing comes ahead of its time, and nothing ever happened that didn’t need to happen.”

With love,

Grace

January 21, 2014

How Would It Be? Song For You

Today I’m sharing with you all a song that a dear inquirer in the Year of Inquiry program shared with our group.

We call it our Doing The Work theme song.

Who would you be without your sad, hard, agonizing, painful story?

Play it here, and enjoy.

(You can find the artist, Ellis, at ellis-music.com)

The next Year of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind group begins on Friday, March 7th.

Our small group will meet for a whole year with 3 telegroups per month, from 9-10:30 am Pacific time. With 2 optional in-person retreats in Seattle.

Lucky in YOI

“Thanks for putting up with me. It still amazes me to be so well received. I feel closer to you all than people I have known for decades. What a gift you all are and I thank my lucky stars!” ~ YOI member

With love, Grace

January 20, 2014

Flitting About Like A Fool For Sherlock Holmes

It was a sweet weekend evening, time at home with nothing on the agenda. A rare moment after a good day of work, clients, a morning class, and a solid two hours of writing…and a mind ready to read for fun, or watch a great movie.

My 16 year old daughter May is the only other person home.

“Let’s watch Sherlock Holmes!” my daughter exclaims.

Turns out there is a wonderful BBC modern version of the tales.

My daughter knows exactly where and how to watch them on the computer. She’s a huge fan.

We’re sharing a blanket on the living room couch, leaning back, the laptop on a chair, the speakers hooked up for high quality sound.

We’re 30 minutes into the show.

It’s getting exciting. I love this Sherlock portrayal. Brilliant, blunt, hysterical, says exactly what he thinks.

Suddenly, my daughter says “Oh wait! This is NOT the right episode” and reaches for the computer, pushes a button, the whole thing shuts down before my eyes and she’s tap-tapping her fingers on the keyboard.

AAAAHHHHH!! WAIT! STOP!

The inner sensation is like a rug has been pulled out from under me.

“Hey! What are you doing?!?” I say with a frustrated tone. “You’ve already seen them all…and I liked that! I don’t want to change to another one! Put it back where it was!”

Inside, I am screaming. Outside I am gritting my teeth.

My daughter looks up, noticing my reaction.

Let’s see what was going on in that moment. Heh Heh.

My story is yanked away! I want to see what happens next! I love being lost in the show! She shouldn’t get me all interested and excited and then stop the movie!

I felt FURIOUS!

Yes. About a TV show getting interrupted.

The first movie I ever went to, I was five years old. Mary Poppins.

It was the most spectacular, mind-boggling experience I ever had.

Leaving the movie theater, I can remember the dark red carpet, the gorgeous golden lights glowing softly on the theater walls, and holding my mother’s hand.

Out on the street, it was Kansas. Seriously.

As in Not London. Or singing, dancing and magic.

Glaring late afternoon sun. A sidewalk. People departing and scattering in various directions.

My mom says at that moment, I put my head back and screamed, mouth wide open, crying from the bottom of my soul.

What I remember is feeling like all my pleasure and joy were suddenly ripped away, destroyed, the channel changed….just like that.

Like a switch was flipped. The electricity unplugged.

Not unlike (in a less intense version) this same moment of anticipation watching Sherlock, being lost in the trance of a very exciting story on the screen, and having the trance END.

Time for some honest investigation.

You may have something you’ve thought of as “over” that you wish wasn’t. Not just a show, but a relationship, your youth, someone else’s life, your job, a vacation.

Is it true that the story is over, unplugged, brought to a sudden halt….and that it shouldn’t be?

Can I be absolutely sure that this switch to a new and different channel is a bad idea? Am I sure it’s actually “sudden”?

Hmmm. Seems true that it’s over. But I’m not sure 100%.

And I know it isn’t absolutely true that it should keep going and never end.

Can I be sure that it was sudden, ripped out from under me, shocking, frightening, maddening?

Strange to even question this, but it does seem true that it was sudden. Although I realize it’s my version of sudden, and I’m not sure it was sudden until I gave it that evaluation later.

In the moment, it may not have been sudden at all…..it was there, then not there.

Things were like this….then like that.

So who on earth would I be without my story that what I was engrossed in suddenly ended….and shouldn’t have?

Without the thought that my opinion is the most important one? Or that my trance state is extremely important to maintain, uninterrupted?

I would be relaxed. Breathing. Watching my adorable daughter focus on her own ideas.

Roll with the flow and the scenery.

I would notice that this story, the one without a Sherlock movie running anymore, is quiet, tender, sweet.

Silent house, daughter tapping fingers, a moment to pause, no emergencies, curious about what is next, no need to actually ever know what is next.

Something ends. And then there is something right here, in its place.

I would be rooted, solid in the earth, allowing what I see to change, come, go….and trusting reality.

“Why should the lord of the country flit about like a fool? If you let yourself be blown to and fro, you lose touch with your root. If you let restlessness move you, you lose touch with who you are.” ~ Tao Te Ching #26

I turn the thoughts around:

My story continues! I am already seeing what happens next! I love being found in the present! She should get me all interested and excited and then stop the movie!

Yes. Because in these turnarounds, I expand and grow up from age five into an adult.

With love,

Grace

January 18, 2014

The Pure Ego of Feeling Their Pain

Saying No to people can be strangely uncomfortable, even for bold, verbal, articulate folks…..who don’t even appear shy.

Someone calls, or looks at you with big sweet crocodile tears….I’m so sad. I can’t take it anymore. I wish I were dead.

If your kid said this, most moms would feel the energy practically spring out of the heart towards the one suffering.

My baby!

Sometimes this movement goes towards anyone who appears to be suffering profoundly.

The underlying assumptions and beliefs get churned up in less than two seconds…..and they might be troubling.

In which case, soooooo good for self-inquiry.

this is terrible
their suffering must be stopped
I need to help them
if I say No or move away they will suffer worse
Helping means I say Yes, I listen, I stay with them

All in a flash of two seconds, without questioning these troubling beliefs, there is suddenly no choice, a loss of clarity, fear, anddishonesty.

Dishonesty? But!

I am such a good, kind, genuine person. This has nothing to do with being dishonest!

Does it?

Let’s take a look.

How do you react when you believe these thoughts that the person before you is in terrible need, you are the one to help them end their suffering (since they asked you, since you’re here), or you could be responsible for them feeling worse?

How do you react when you’re sure saying No won’t go over well? When you’re afraid of disappointing someone? Or making them mad?

Or sending them over the precipice?

Yikes. I’m very, very careful.

Many years ago, I was madly in love with a brooding and very funny handsome European. A crush.

He told me he was kinda schitz. Very happy, then very depressive. A musician (of course). Edgy, dark. Trying to quit smoking Gitannes.

We had long conversations into the night. Who cares about getting sleep (as I watched the clock tick by…midnight, then 12:20 am, oh now it’s 1:11 am, rats I’ll be so tired tomorrow).

The thing is, if I were truly honest, I would say “I seem to be very interested in you and your fascinating story, and, I am going to sleep now. I hope we get to talk again soon.”

But there was a clinging, grabbing sense of risk about revealing the overriding desire to go to sleep. A risk if I hung up.

He began revealing the dark inner recesses of the hellish world he sometimes occupied. His painful secrets. His addictive story. Abuse.

Oh yeah. This is serious! I can help! I’ve felt bad before, too!

No more choice in the dynamic. I’m believing he needs help, and I am the one to do it. I am believing that my need for sleep is sort of…stupid.

Considering the comparison.

Who would I be without the thought that there is a desperate problem happening? Without the thought that suicide is bad? Without the thought that someone crying and feeling pain must be soothed?

Without the thought that I have to help?

I would be free to relax, slow down, trust the world, not think I am the all-important solution.

I would be free to be a regular, mediocre, balanced person who sleeps at night, if that’s what I notice I like to do.

I would be free to say No peacefully, with loving kindness. No need to explain, give excuses, feel guilty, worry, give advice.

I could trust the inner voice that says “maybe later” or “not now” or “I don’t know”.

I turn the thoughts around:

this is not terrible
their suffering must continue, my suffering must stop
I do NOT need to help them, I need to help myself
if I say No or move away they will suffer less, if I say No I will suffer worse (my real fear)
Helping means I say No, I listen to my inner voice, I stay away from them

I realize that every person, including this one who appears unhappy in this moment, is simply expressing. Being themselves. Asking.

I don’t have to have a heart attack. They are allowed to ask. Who made me the boss of the universe, thinking they shouldn’t?

And whose suffering do I have control over? Only my own. And I’m not even doing a great job at that, in the moment that I’m suffering because they are suffering.

“Do you feel their pain? Or are you projecting what they probably feel like? How can you feel another person’s pain? No one has ever felt another person’s pain! We imagine what their pain is like and we feel what we’re imagining! You’re creating your own pain…..’I feel their pain’—pure ego. It’s disrespectful to believe that I can. It’s separating, it doesn’t connect.” ~ Byron Katie

If I truly do not believe that they should not be suffering, I am free to feel joy, laughter, quiet, silence, care, kindness and peace in the presence of their pain.

In the presence of absolutely anything.

Who would I be without this story?

A well-rested, honest person.

Willing to help if that’s the truth. My honest No could be a big help, just as much as my honest Yes.

“The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance of your partner as he or she is, without needing to judge or change them in any way. That immediately takes you beyond ego. All mind games and all addictive clinging are then over….This is also the end of all codependency, of being drawn into somebody else’s unconscious pattern and thereby enabling it to continue.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

With love,

Grace

January 17, 2014

It Needed To Happen

Yesterday in the telegroup working on Money, we were meeting for the 7th time out of 8.

One person said he was feeling discouraged about his lack of action, movement, change around money. Another wave of paying bills and feeling….poor, anxious, worried.

Someone else noticed a huge shift happening not long after the course started, and the change still underway. Money showing up in unexpected places. Thrilled with discovering what thoughts had been in place, feeling them dissolve.

Another participant saw how frightened she was of certain aspects of money like counting it, tracking it, handling it, managing it, saving it….and she signed herself up for a beginners bookkeeping class.

There is no way to ever tell what will happen around the next corner.

All we can see is that right now, we are believing difficult, agonizing, nervous thoughts…..or we are able to see through our thinking to a place beyond fear.

Everyone has that place.

“We either believe what we think or we question it: there’s no other choice. Questioning our thoughts is the kinder way.” ~ Byron Katie

It might feel like a waft of fresh air, holding someone’s hand and feeling connected, or suddenly seeing a huge expansive view appear as you crest the top of a mountain.

Just a small glimpse of hope and a little smile, or a big massive recognition that you’ve been worried when all along it was actually nothing to worry about.

The inquirer who felt like things weren’t changed brought this thought to the surface, for us to question:

I need them to help me stay focused.

Everyone in the class could find a situation, a moment where they believed this thought (or something very close) especially with money or work involved.

I need those teachers, I need that book, I need the information, I need God, I need my friends, I need my family, I need my environment, I need my workplace, I need my boss, I need my partner…..to help me stay focused!!!

This thought often comes alive when focus is “lost”.

Wow, I have lost focus. If I had more of it, if I stayed on track, kept my eyes on the prize….I would Get There Faster.

Getting there faster is better. I know what the final goal is supposed to look like. This is dire. I need to change. This WILL be an emergency soon.

Fear.

Often, when I have felt like this, I have no respect for fun. No time for pleasure, laughter, or stopping for lunch. I’ve paid people money to help me stay on focus (not that there’s anything wrong with that)!

But who would I be without the thought that I need their help, or that I need to stay focused?

It’s a radical idea…..and oh so liberating.

What? I don’t need to stay focused?

Could the way it has gone, so far, be just right? Could it be what has been necessary, so far, for my own growth?

Byron Katie suggests that the way things have gone, to this point right now in your life, is the BEST way possible.

Because every other way is an imagined way. Unreal.

THIS is what I need the world to bring me for my greatest awareness, joy, surrender…..love.

What if “focus”…or whatever you believe is missing…dwells within you, even now?

If you are losing your home and possessions, or something catastrophic has happened, this does not mean Oh Joy that was Brilliant.

That would be ridiculous! (Although what if it was brilliant?)

But even an inkling of the idea that this happened…..and you are OK, you have the ability to go on, to be reborn, to blossom, to grow, to have a very profound shift because you are going through this….

…opening to this, even just a wee teensy tiny bit, could change your life.

Turning the thought around in every way:

I need me to help myself focus, I don’t need them to help me with that, I need to help THEM focus, and, they need to help me stay out-of-focus.

Who knows? I can see when dropping focus, doing the unexpected, and letting things run their course is actually more fun. And more the way of reality.

Roundabout, focused, blurred….whatever is happening, could all be well? Could I feel some peace in the middle of it?

Well, yeah. Probably. OK. Yes.

“Nothing comes ahead of its time, and nothing ever happened that didn’t need to happen.” ~ Byron Katie

With love,

Grace